All language subtitles for Loudermilk S01 Afl.1.English

* Begin again *

* This time you should
Take a bow at the very end *

* It's quite an act
You put on *

* Wait till the cameras roll *

Ladies first.

Thanks.

* You're the leading man... *

Okay. I'm gonna need
one large caffè misto

with soy milk,
extra hot.

Next, a hot chai latte and--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

I'm ordering.
Yeah, I know,

but I was here first.

And I'm just getting
a black coffee.

One black coffee.

You said, "ladies first"?

BARISTA:
Name?

Yeah, back there,
not here.

Why?
What's the difference?

Sir, name?

Hold on there, sporty.

Uh, the difference is,
that over there,

I was being chivalrous.
Over here,

you're being selfish,
thoughtless and rude.

You live in a world
with other people, okay?

Get your nose out of your phone,
you might see that.

My phone?

I have the coffee order
for work on here.

There's, like, a hundred drinks
on that thing.

Why are you getting coffee
for the whole office?

Never heard of
Betty Friedan?

No, I--
Gloria Steinem?

Not a clue.
Really?

No. Mm-mm.
Not at all.

Maybe you need to be
on medication.

I'm on medication
called coffee.

I can't get it.
I'm waiting for you

to order for everyone
in your millennial clown car.

You're an asshole.
I'm an asshole?

Yes. Yes, an asshole.
I'm an asshole?

'Cause let's be real.

If I wasn't young,

and let's face it,
kind of hot,

you wouldn't have
held that door.

You were flirting.

And then, when you realized
I showed no interest,

you got mad.

And then, all your chivalry

went right out the window.

So that's how you do it?

You take your own
self-centered behavior,

and you flip it on me?
Now, I'm supposed to be

the asshole--?
BARISTA: Asshole?

Coffee
for "Asshole."

Yeah, that's me.

There.

[***]

* The North Sea sings *

* Won't you come to me, baby? *

* Oh, won't you come to me? *

* The North Sea sings *

* Won't you come to me, baby? *

* Oh, won't you come to me? *

* The North Sea sings *

* Won't you come to me, baby? *

* The North Sea sings *

* Oh, won't you come to me? *

Okay, I see
we got some new folks.

I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm four years off the sauce,

and I'm super-duper excited

about getting you all
on the road to sobriety.

MAN 1: All right.
[CLAPS]

MAN 2:
Yay.

So which one of you fuckups
wants to go first?

Don't drink.
Don't drink.

Don't drink.

Actually, I am
a recovering meth addict.

Still good advice.
Take a shower.

Hey, come here. Cisco.

How come
you haven't been sharing?

'Cause everything's
going good.

Okay. So how--?

How many days
are you sober?

Um, I--

Yeah, no.
You're lying to me.

Okay?
There's no "um" in sober.

If you're sober,
you know exactly how long

you've been sober.

Yeah, okay.
I had a few beers.

What kind of beers?

Coors Light.

[SCOFFS]

That stuff's like water.
That-- That doesn't count.

Really?
No.

Of course it counts,
you dope.

Come on.

I'm really trying, man. I--

Well, you gotta try harder.

Look,

life's about
fucking things up, okay?

And then, un-fucking the things
that you fucked up.

That's what makes you
less of a fuckup.

Not lying about it.

Thanks.

I'll do better.

Well, just don't do worse.

Mr. Loudermilk,
can I speak to you in private?

This isn't private?

Ahem, well, I suppose

it won't come
as a surprise to you

that I've received
anonymous complaints

about the way
you're leading meetings.

Who?

No, I want names.

I can't give you the names.
I just told you.

The complaints are anonymous.

It's the bingo bitches,
isn't it?

[SIGHS]

Look, Loudermilk,
let's face it.

You're not warm and fuzzy.

You're hard and angular
and uncomfortable.

You're like an IKEA chair
who leads sobriety meetings.

Be that as it may,

I think the work
that your organization does

benefits a number of people.

And for that reason,

I would hate
to have to suspend your meetings

because of one
unruly facilitator.

Okay, so, am--?

Am I getting a prize
or what?

I need a favor.

Mrs. Wilkes is
an important member

of our church. Right now,

she's having trouble
with her daughter.

God, help me.

I have a feeling
that your brand of help

may be
exactly what she needs.

You have a real knack

with people
who have lost their way.

Yeah, um,

women are not exactly
my area of expertise,

unless you want her to smash
all your shit and move out.

My daughter, Claire,

she's a good girl.

Was a good girl.

Is she transitioning?

No. She's still a girl.

But now she's a bad girl.

My husband passed
recently,

and since then,
she's gotten out of control.

I try and talk to her

about enrolling
in one of those heroin schools.

Rehab.
But she won't listen to me.

Okay, well, I don't know,
send her to a meeting.

I'll-- I'll talk to her.
No.

She'll never do that.
You have to go to her.

Yeah, here's the thing.
I don't make house calls.

MRS. WILKES:
Please.

Father Michael
recommended you very highly.

Well...

I wouldn't say "highly."
Look, Loudermilk...

[CLEARS THROAT]

you go and talk to Claire,

and I won't suspend
these meetings

or report you

for being one of
the most horrible people

ever to set foot into--

All right, fine, fine, fine.
I'll do it.

Where exactly will I find
this fragile little flower?

[***]

[KNOCKS]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

Who the fuck are you?

Well, that's spoken like
a Disney Princess come to life.

Again, who the fuck are you?

I'm Sam Loudermilk.

Your mother says
you need professional help,

but I guess she settled on me.
My mom's a cunt.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, she probably is.

She doesn't know shit about me

or what I want in my life.

So get the fuck
out of here, asshole.

I just wanna get something
out of the way.

I understand there's a shit-ton
of sexual chemistry

between us,
but not gonna happen.

Gross, you're like, 70.

I'm gross?
You're like, 14 pounds.

Fuck you, man.
Yeah.

Hyperbole for comic effect.
Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Why don't you let me in?

Fine, come on in.

[EXHALES]

[CLUB MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

This is my boyfriend,
Wyatt.

Yeah? Don't care.

You realize you gotta tell me
if you're filming me?

Why would I
be filming you?

Well, I figure there's gotta be
a crew from Hoarders

around here somewhere.

So, what's up?

Are you lashing out
at the unfeeling universe

because Dad's dead, or--?

I-- I-- What's your deal?

I don't have a deal.

I live my life
the way I wanna live it.

Ah, okay.

Okay. See you.

What?
What, what?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.
[CLAIRE CHUCKLES]

Aren't you supposed to, like,
try harder or something?

Let me break this down
for you.

I don't know you.
I don't give a fuck about you.

You wanna drink
and drug yourself

to an early grave? Great.

You're doing great.
So why did you even come here?

Morbid curiosity.

I wanted to see
if you were half the shit show

your mother said you were.
Fuck you, man.

Here. That's my number.
You want help, call it.

You wanna come to a meeting,
great.

If not, exactly zero shits
will be given by me.

Dude, you better get
the fuck out of here now.

SAM:
Yeah, I'm-- I'm going.

Not 'cause I'm afraid of you,

but 'cause it smells like

two garbage cans
have been fucking in here.

[***]

Coming through.

Hey. Greatest Generation,
come on, pick it up a bit.

Let's go.
I'm trying.

Well, pretend I'm Ike,
and that's Normandy,

and storm that shit.

Oh, my God.

Hey, watch it.

This Fender Kingman's
six months of your rent.

Must be a piece of shit then

because I share an alley-view
apartment with another dude.

[SIGHS]

Hi.

Hey.

Uh, hey, this is
kind of embarrassing,

but I think you have a chair
stuck to your back.

What? Where?
Other-- Other shoulder.

Yeah, just keep--
No, no. Too far. Back.

Oh! Ha, ha!
Ah! There you go.

Probably got it snagged
at a restaurant or something

the last couple days.

Oh, crap. Not again.
Ha-ha-ha!

I'm Allison.

I just moved into 2C.

Sam, 2B--

or not to be.

It is my apartment, heh.
[CHUCKLES]

It actually is 2B though,
so there's no confusion.

[GUITAR CLATTERS ON FLOOR]
Oh, Mr. Ellis,

I was gonna call you
about starting guitar lessons.

[ELLIS PANTING]

You okay?
Yeah, sure.

I'm from the Greatest
Generation. Right?

Oh, hey, can I help you
with that, sir?

That looks
pretty heavy.

You sure you don't
wanna push me down again?

This guy body checked me
on the stairs.

No, I scooted past you, okay?
With minimal contact. I scooted.

Who rushes past
an elderly person,

and body checks them?

I didn't
body check him.

I might have bumped him
a little bit, okay?

But that's it. He--

Look, he's old.

They exaggerate.

Well, I guess
it's not "to be."

Asshead.

[***]

So then, he called me
an asshead,

and she slams the door
in my face.

Well, I mean,
the "asshead" thing is fair.

Yeah, but she
didn't know that yet, okay?

I was charming
the balls off her.

You know, I got a question.

Why were you pushing
an old man out of your way?

Because I was in
a hurry.

For what?
You got nowhere to be.

Well, maybe I wanna get
nowhere faster.

So are you gonna try
and make it up to her?

I don't know.
What's the point?

[SIGHS]
What's the point?

Point is,
this is the first woman

you've had a meaningful
connection with in years.

Yeah. She did really like
my chair-on-the-shoulder bit,

which I ad-libbed.

Ha-ha-ha!
That is funny.

"It looks like
a chair's stuck to you."

Yeah.

Now you just gotta
make it up to her.

Show her that you're
a thoughtful, sensitive guy.

You mean fool her?

Yes.

How?

[***]

No, no, no.

You're banned from the store,
Loudermilk.

I'm sick of you
calling me a douche.

Relax,
I come in peace.

I don't wanna argue about why
Nirvana wouldn't exist

without bubblegum hits
of the late '60s.

[SCOFFS]
Man, that's so reductive.

"Reductive"?

Are we just
making words up now?

Just because Cobain said,
in one interview,

that the 1910
Fruitgum Company's version

of "Yummy Yummy Yummy"--

Yeah, hey, hey.
All right, all right.

Hey, Captain Pompous,
relax.

Get your talking points
together,

we'll get back to this.
We're on a mission.

Fine.
What are you looking for?

Loudermilk knocked an old man
down some stairs

in front of
our hot new neighbor.

He's trying
to make up for that.

Jesus, dude.

You're the fucking worst,
man.

SAM:
Oh, really? I'm the worst?

I'm worse than Hitler?

I'm worse than Saul Zaentz?
I'm worse than Pol Pot?

Hey, isn't it weird that
a guy with "pot" in his name

turns out to be
so totally bogus?

[LAUGHS]

You've been sitting on that,
haven't you?

An incredibly long time.

Thank you for teeing it up.
Sure.

Who the hell's
Saul Zaentz?

You don't know Saul Zaentz?
Asshole producer.

Tried to charge Creedence
to play their own music.

We had to listen to
"Put me in, coach"

for years
because of that fucker.

I love "Centerfield."

Well, you're an idiot.

Look, man, I gotta tell you.
As your sponsor

and your only friend,

you make it hard
for people to like you.

What are you talking about?
I'm a people person.

Unless the people act
like dickbags,

which they always do.
Always do.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

"Andrés Segovia."

He's the greatest
classical guitarist in the world

playing
a bunch of romantic crap.

She'd like that shit, right?
Yeah. Yeah.

Shows you were
paying attention.

It's got the added bonus
of being obscure,

which pretentious chicks
love.

You think she's pretentious?
I don't know. Let's hope so.

Great, let's get out of here.
Okay.

Wait, how's she
gonna listen to it?

Why do I give a shit
if she listens to it?

Come on, Loudermilk.

Please,
stop half-assing it.

I mean, finish something
for once in--

Here we are, this is good.
Perfect.

Ben to the rescue again.

Cheap. Only 60 bucks.
Okay.

Uh, one more favor.
No, I-- I'm broke.

Bullshit. You got a hundo
in your pocket.

I saw it when I was rifling
through your pants.

Why are you rifling
through my pants?

So, you can't pull
this "I'm broke" bullshit.

You know, you really are
an asshead.

Yeah.

[***]

[KEYS JANGLE]

Whoa! Hey, Allison.
Hey.

Hey, Sam.

Remember? From the--?
Yeah, yeah. I-- I remember.

Listen, yesterday, I didn't make
a very good first impression.

And the thing is,
is I'm a counselor

for people who abuse
drugs and alcohol.

So I--
I'm dealing with people

who stack lies
on top of lies all day.

And you gotta be,
sometimes--

You know,
you gotta be a little blunt.

You gotta be
a little harsh

to cut through the bullshit
with that.

But I recognize that
it bleeds over a little bit

into my personal life.

So--
So it must be tough.

It's not an excuse
to be rude though.

So I just wanted--

Well, I wanted
to give you this.

You know, you said
you were learning guitar.

And this is Andrés Segovia.

He's the Hendrix
of guitar players.

He's terrific.
Right.

You're gonna like him.
His only failing is

he didn't OD, so nobody
knows who he is, but--

Yeah.

Well, that's really nice
of you, Sam.

But I don't have any way
to play it.

Oh, well, yeah, you do.

I got a--

It comes with--

There's a--
[LAUGHS]

Wow, thank you.
A latch.

Yeah, sure. There you go.
There you are.

You piece of trash.

I came to you for help,
but you did nothing.

No, actually,
you made it worse.

SAM:
This is one of those fuckups
that I was telling you about.

I think she's on
the bath salts--

Don't you lie to her!

You called my daughter a slob,
then tried to proposition her.

No, no, no. Hey, what I said
was that I would not fuck her.

Then you insulted
her hygiene?

Yes. But you gotta admit,

the girl smells a little bit
like a rotting corpse. No?

You may have fooled
Father Michael,

but I can see you

for the worthless human being
you are.

You make me sick.

So Segovia
is the first guy

to ever put nylon strings
on a guitar.

And that blew the sound open,
and it made the fingering--

Enjoy.

[***]

Hey, check it.

We've been kicked out
'cause of you.

[PEOPLE MURMURING
INDISTINCTLY]

Unbelievable.

Like, what kind of monster
evicts you using comic sans?

Come on, Mike.

You can't just kick us out.
I just did.

What about all the people
who need help?

Well, that's on you,
Loudermilk.

I made it very clear
what would happen

if you didn't do
your part.

Unlike you,
I stick to my word.

Yeah,
I'm not a miracle worker

like the bearded guy
that you love so much.

You mean Jesus?

You asked me to talk
to the girl, I talked.

Should've tried harder.

I tried plenty hard.
She didn't go for it.

My decision is final.

You brought this on yourself.

So that's it?
Yep, that's it.

Okay, fine. You know what?
I don't need you.

I can think of
a million places

that will open their doors
to some people in need.

I started jerking off
a few guys for meth money.

No big deal.

Before you know it,
I was giving a couple of BJs.

It seems like I wasn't going
more than five minutes

without a dick in my mouth.

Then I hit rock bottom.

And one day,
I find myself in lockup,

getting into a shouting match
with some know-it-all

about whether it's better
to work the tip or the shaft

while diddling the balls.

[SIGHING]

That--

That wasn't me.

SAM:
Okay. Okay, good sharing.

That's powerful stuff.

[PEOPLE MURMURING
INDISTINCTLY]

This was a horrible,
horrible idea.

Uh... And that's on me.

We gotta get back to the church,
but I'm gonna figure it out.

I don't want you guys
to worry about it.

You're my number-one priority,
okay?

Let's go.

I'm not a biologist or anything,
but, uh,

it would have to be the shaft,
right?

[DOOR BELL CHIMES,
DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

Because that's where
all the nerves are.

If you're working the balls
though, that's a power move.

Really a matter of contrast.
Guys, let's go.

[***]

Hey, Father.

All right, so I'm outside
of a place called

"Kockblockerz."
That sound right?

That is the worst name for
a strip club I have ever heard.

Well, I don't think
they understand marketing.

So if I talk to Claire,

you're gonna let us back
in the church, right?

I'm a man of my word,
Loudermilk.

All right.

I haven't been in a bar
in five years,

so I hope you sleep well
tonight.

All right,
let's do it for the kids.

[GROANS]

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
{PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, this sucks,
this sucks, this sucks.

Hm. Could be worse.

Can I get you a drink?
No. No, no, no. Tra la la.

* Hell's flesh
Made mountains... *

Yay. There she is.

Hey, Claire.

Hi.
CLAIRE: It's you.

The asshole from my house.
You're sweet, you remember.

I'm gonna spitball
with you for a minute here.

I told my mom what you said
to me, and she was pissed.

Yeah, I know.

You wanted to get me
in trouble, it worked.

Oh. You got busted.

[CLAIRE YELPS]

Hey. No touching.
It's all right.

No, I'm not touching anybody.

She's touching me.

It's okay, I know him.

Take it into
the champagne room.

SAM:
Yep, we're going.
Thank you.

* I need a little ass
To squeeze *

* With mouths, please *

* So I could operate
I feel... *

Here. Let's get you some
fresh air. Come on.

* ...and the lights go out *

[VOMITS, COUGHING]

[GROANS]

So as glamorous and fun
as this all seems,

I've seen it before,
and it doesn't end well.

You don't know anything.

I know how to barf

without getting it
on my shoes.

[SIGHS]

[SHIVERING]

Here.

Just try not to get
too much puke on it.

Why are you bothering me?

I'm trying to help.

You can't help me.

Nobody can.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Really, come on.

You think
you're the only person who--?

You think I don't know
misery and pain?

I was married
for eight years.

And what happened?

She dumped your ass?

Big fucking surprise.

No, not exactly.

I took us out
for a spin one night

after a couple bottles
of Jack

and wrapped the car
around a tree.

No, I was okay.

She wasn't.

Shit happens.

What are you
gonna do?

Hurting yourself is easy,

but living is hard.

So Claire,
what's the thing?

Okay, what's the big problem
that nobody can help you with?

Come on,
I'm in suspense.

I'm not gonna be able
to sleep at night.

Just-- Just say it.

What the fuck is it?

I just--

I really miss my dad.

[***]

[CRYING]

I know.

I know you do.

Hey, dude,
get away from my girlfriend!

Look,
guys, guys, guys.

She's upset,
all right?

I just gave
an awesome speech.

Please tell me
you heard some of it.

No, man. We missed it.

Let's hear it again,
Shakespeare. Come on.

[GRUNTS]
All right. Here you go.

Hey, I've been
dicking around all night

looking for this girl,

so I can help some people

with real problems, okay?

So why don't you
get out of my way,

or we're gonna do this
the hard way.

[***]

So how'd you know
to call me?

There are only three numbers
in his phone.

You're the only one
that answered.

Well, that's really,
really pathetic.

[SAM COUGHING]

Oh!
[SPITS]

Oh, my God.
Gross. I'm out of here.

Is--? Is he okay?

Oh, who, "asshead" Sam?

No, he's fine.

Hey, I'm "kindhearted" Ben,
by the way.

Hey.

What the hell
were you doing in a bar?

Okay, you're a drunk.
I'm a drunk.

Guys like us can't do that.
I had to find the kid.

It was fine.

Yeah, looks like
it went really great.

You gotta call me
next time, man.

You're not ready
to be alone like that.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Seriously?
They punched your feet?

This will help
with the swelling.

Oh. Thank you.

Hey, the teenage girl
that I came in with,

you know I'm not hitting that,
right?

Yeah, Ben filled me in on that.
All right. Thanks.

Would it be all right
if we forgot about

all that business earlier

and started over?

Are you gonna stop
pushing old people down stairs?

Can't make any promises.

Okay. I gotta go, Sam.

Give me a shout
if you guys need anything.

Thank you.

I get it.

You staged the beatdown

so you can garner the sympathy
of our hot neighbor.

You are a tactical genius.

Listen, I'm gonna
close my eyes.

If I die in my sleep,
the Netflix password is

"Dianne underscore Wiest,
zero, three."

Well, I hope
you don't die

'cause those are terrible
last words.

Yeah.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

[***]

You've earned it.

The meeting room
or the beating?

[GIGGLES]

Oh, good. Uh...

Go on in, and set up the chairs.
I'll be in in a minute.

Can I ask you something?
What?

Did that hurt?
Yeah.

Good.

'Cause you made me talk
about giving BJs

where I get my lattes.

Who are you again?

Never mind.

Loudermilk,
you got a visitor here.

Oh.

I, uh...

I wanted to give this
back to you.

Hm.
I washed it.

You didn't have to do that.

After I threw up on it.

I'd really like you
to have it.

You were, um,

right, by the way.

Hurting myself was easy, and...

living is the hard part.

Hm.

Well, even a blind squirrel's
right twice a day.

So, you're here, you wanna
stick around for the meeting?

Uh, yeah, I--

I can't tonight.

No?
But maybe another time.

How about next week?

Maybe.
Yeah, okay.

See you, maybe.

That's right,
you're blowjob guy.

[***]

Uh--
BEN: Hi.

Hey, is Sam around, or--?

Oh, no. He's still out

running his meeting
at the church where he does--

That's where
he does them.

I'd invite you in,

but you just caught me
coming out of the shower.

In--? In your clothes?

Okay, thanks for coming by.
I'll let him know.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[***]

Ahh.

* Ah *

* Bored again *

* Ah... *