Original subtitles

♪ Have I the right to hold you?

♪ You know I've always told you

♪ I've loved you from the very start

♪ Ah, come right back

♪ I just can't bear it

♪ I got some love

♪ And I long to share it

♪ Come right back

♪ Right back where you belong

♪ Oh, yeah, you belong! ♪

Look, right from the start, I made it clear

that the thing that mattered most

to me was getting a quick sale.

I'm afraid the market's going through

a bit of a sluggish patch. Not much we can do about that!

Well, I mean, look at this brochure.

"Versatile, highly desirable, larger than average."

Well, what is average? I mean...

"Boasts a back garden." Boasts?

"Deceptively spacious."

I mean, what does it mean?!

I would have thought it rather spoke for itself. - I think it means that

if we happen to be looking for a small house,

it's not bad news that it's deceptively spacious

because it is, in fact, small. - Phil.

Whereas, if we're looking for a large house,

then "deceptively spacious" means that

if we think it's big enough, it's not.

Uh...

I wonder if the time has come for us to reconsider my original proposal?

What proposal? For an open-house day. - Quite.

What did I say?

You said you'd rather be publicly disembowelled

than have strangers tramping all over your house. - Did I?

Oh, it seemed such a good idea to me. And you'd be there as host,

to greet everyone, and it's something you do so well.

Yes, well, why not?

Ah, as to that... What?

I'm afraid it's never a good idea for the owner to be present

on these occasions. Never. - Never?

Ever. - Most ill-advised.

Well, what could happen?

Come on, Edith.

No open house.

We'll think about it. Ha-ha!

I'm not sure about this, Bob.

It's a bit early for it...

Listen, don't start!

Well, I like to sing at night, after midnight,

when my voice is more relaxed. Huh?

Like Frank Sinatra...

Do you want to go back in the box?

Will you two shut up?!

Sorry. Sometimes, my fellow performer's

a wee bit of a problem, you know? It's not me, it's him...

Rubbish!

Right, now, I know you're wondering, how can a man with a prosthetic arm

play the guitar?

Well, I'm here to tell you.

It is possible, yes!

It is possible!

I've never done it myself and I don't intend to try.

No, no, this, erm,

cavernous guitar case is just here

for you generous people

to put your donations in, right?

"Is it too big?", I ask myself.

I sincerely hope not!

Right, let's go!

Ahem...

♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do! ♪

♪ La, la, la, la... ♪

It's too early, too early for my voice!

Yeah, I know you folk are looking for serious,

high-quality entertainment. You see, when you find some,

would you let me know?!

Right, once again... One, two. One, two, three.

♪ Cherry ripe, cherry ripe

♪ Ripe, I cry

♪ Full and fair ones

♪ Come and buy... ♪

You look so much better than when you came in!

Ziggy, um...

I love coming to your salon and chatting to all your customers.

I've only got time for a quick coffee today, Wendy.

Fridays are hell. Where are we going?

It's not far. - Oh.

I thought we'd go here today.

Here? Mmm.

Hello, there.

Ooh, dominoes!

Ooh, I used to love dominoes... Ha-ha-ha!

..when I was a child. Ha-ha!

Ooh, I wouldn't have put this down as

your sort of place at all, Sandra.

Oh, I often pop in here. There's always something going on. - Really?

Yes, they've got great courses. I've done quite a few of them myself.

Have you? Yes, I'd like to do more, if I had the time.

You always meet such interesting people. - Yoga.

Hmm, I tried that once. It wasn't really my sort of thing.

Mindfulness.

Well, I'd say I was a pretty mindful sort of person anyway.

It's in my nature. What you need is something

that's going to make the most of your natural talents.

Music and movement. Mmm...

Counselling. Actually, I'd be

a really good counsellor, wouldn't I?

Well, you could certainly give it a try. - Yes, I will!

Oh, I would never, ever have thought of this, Sandra. Thank you.

Mmm. - Since the divorce it's just been so...

Mmm.

It's almost impossible to believe that Roger is your brother.

Mmm.

♪ Greensleeves was my heart of gold

♪ And who but my lady... ♪

Oh, what's going on here?! Ha!

♪ ..Alas, my love

♪ That you should own

♪ A heart of wanton vanity... ♪ Huh?

Ha-ha!

Roger... What? Look.

There's your mum...

Oh, my God!

It's Roger...

and Bob!

Good grief!

Hello, Mrs Stevens! Ha-ha!

Shh, you'll embarrass her!

Ah, and the kidnapper. Yeah, the tall stalker!

Hello, tall stalker!

Very determined tall stalker.

You've got to tell your son to let me sing at night,

like Frank Sinatra!

Well, I would, but he never listens to me!

Let's go. - What?!

It's only a bit of fun! Yeah, but people are looking, right?

Let's go. - No, you go. I'm staying.

What for? Because he's having a go, he's doing his best.

Like when he was third camel

in the nativity play, right? Yes, exactly like that, yes.

Right, well, I'm off.

Come on, Phil, come and join us!

He was Choirboy of the Year, you know.

Aye, until they found out where the noise was coming from!

♪ ..Greensleeves was all my joy

♪ Greensleeves was my delight

♪ Greensleeves was my heart of gold

♪ Oh, my lady Greensleeves... ♪

Oh! Ha! Ah, Bertie!

He seems to be fascinated

by your feet. - Well, now, this is new.

Oh, very smart, look at it!

Ah, yes, Sandra turned up with it

for him. - Yeah, very Sandra too.

Yes, they've become great friends.

She's always bringing him some sort of treat or other. Nothing that's

actually any good for him, of course. - Well, of course not.

So, where are you off to, then?

Oh, somewhere in the sun.

You know, somewhere defensible.

Defensible? Well, with a moat and drawbridge.

Roger! Mmm.

Yes, I saw him in town the other day, singing.

You don't think he's certifiable, do you? No, I don't think so.

Do you? In optimistic moments, yes.

You know we're leaving him here, I mean, in charge of Edith's house?

Well, whatever is wrong with him, and I'm not sure what that is,

perhaps leaving him in charge of the house on his own terms

might help sort himself out a bit.

I'm going to miss you, Jack.

Ah, I'll miss you too, Phil.

You must visit, bring the hound.

Well, I don't think being in the sun

would be too much good for this one.

I think a damp English spring is more his mark. - Ah.

Anyway, he'd only insist on flying first class!

Well, quite right too!

You know, I've been thinking, maybe it's a sign. Ha!

A sign?!Phil's house not shifting.

Maybe it's not meant to be.

Not the right time.

When would be the right time?

Well, for a start, there's Roger.

He's not what you'd call normal, is he? Well, he's better.

A bit better.

And then there's Sandra.

She works so hard.

She's a clever girl...

..but she's not as strong as she makes out.

She needs you more than you realise, Edith.

Yes, I do worry about Sandra.

It's not as if you even know where you're off to, is it?

Yeah, but that's part of the big adventure! Mmm,

Phil's big adventure. - Hey, mine too!

Think of all the places you've lived over the years.

Well, now it's my turn.

The truth is, I've been so happy,

coming here, feeling I'm part of a family again.

I'm going to miss you so much, Edith. - I'll miss you too, Queenie,

but it's not as if we'll be gone forever.

Well, as far as Phil's concerned, it's forever.

Why don't you tell him you just need a bit more time,

to get things settled? I can't.

He says it's now or never.

Queenie! Oh, hello, Sandra. Ha-ha!

Long day? Oh, no, this is our usual time.

No rest for the wicked, eh?

I've just been past the estate agent.

I see they've dropped the price of Phil's house. - Have they?!

A lot. - Really?!

And they haven't even had one of those open-house days.

No, they haven't, have they?

Why not? Phil refused. - Oh!

They can really work, those. - Yeah.

And it's the sort of thing you'd do brilliantly, Sandra.

I know how much store you set by presentation.

Everything, Queenie. It is everything.

Who's it with now? Percy and Noble.

Oh, Roland Percy. I was at school with him.

I can imagine the sort of viewing day he'd put on.

He has the imagination of a used tea bag!

Still, seems criminal to throw away an opportunity like this.

Yeah. It does, doesn't it?

That was our best early-morning session so far.

Listen... Boop!

Ha-ha! We could be huge!

We could go on the X Factor. We could.

Whatever that is.

Are you sure about this pitch, Bob?

The naked ladies? Why?

Well, isn't it, sort of, private property?

Roger, we are artists.

Art knows no bounds.

Anyway, I love the naked ladies.

Eh? Ha!

♪ Daisy, Daisy

♪ Give me your heart to do

♪ I'm half crazy

♪ Oh, but I love you

♪ It won't be a stylish marriage

♪ I can't afford a carriage

♪ But you look sweet upon the street

♪ On a bicycle made for two! ♪

More! More!

Once more, by popular demand. This time, let's hear you properly!

One, two, three...

♪ Daisy, Daisy

♪ Give me your heart to do

♪ I'm half crazy... ♪

Oh, here we go, here we go!

We'll be back! Agh! Never fear, we'll be back! Oh, yes.

No, stop...

Ah... Ah...

Oh!

Oh!

Agh! Bob?

Bob, are you all right?

Bob?

Oh, my God!

HELP! HELP!

Mr Dugdale, look! Something's happened to him.

I think he's fallen over.

Call an ambulance.

Er... 999!999.

Yes, hello. Er, yeah, er...

What?

Er, ambulance.

Phil, these open-house days always work. Always. - Always.

They create a sense of competition.

Exactly what I told him!

And you know that your house is seriously undervalued now? Is it?

Phil! Yeah, he could get a lot more for it.

I'd no idea. Phil, we should have discussed this.

You know, what I don't quite get is why everyone has

such a strong opinion about my house,

because, after all, it is my house

and if I want to make a hash of selling it,

that's my business. Well, mine and Edith's.

I'm her daughter, her next of kin.

All right, you can have a very little say.

And I'm her guardian angel.

And what exactly does that entail? Well, you wouldn't want me

not to have a guardian angel, would you?

Once again, I feel myself slowly sinking out of my depth.

I've got a proposition. Oh, there's a surprise!

What is the lowest that you'd be happy with?

1.3, if it's a quick sale.

But you'd be even happier with 1.8? And I'd be even happier with nine!

Quick sale, anything over 1.3, you give me 20%.

And why would I do that?

Because unlike your unimaginative estate agent,

I will create an unforgettable viewing day.

Wine, flowers, music.

Nibbles from Patisserie de Lyon.

And... people really fall for that?

Yes!

You've got it all figured out, haven't you?

Bob!

We need you, Bob!

For God's sake, will you get that thing out of here?!

He can't. I've got a mind of my own!

Thank God you were there, you being a doctor and everything.

A long retired doctor.

Yes, but he might have died.

That would have really freaked me out. - It would.

I wouldn't have been too happy, either.

I would have blamed myself for the rest of my life.

I'd never have got over it.

Well, me neither!

Well, you'd be dead, you wouldn't have to get over anything.

Oh, that's very consoling!

Right. Well, I'll leave you two to it.

Goodbye, Methuselah!

So, we're all pitching in, so they can be off as soon as poss.

I'm all for that. I know.

That's why I was thinking you might like to help out

on the day.

Help?

Would there be any..?

Payment?

Oh, Roger!

This is called helping someone out.

Doing them a favour.

Oh.

There'll be a lot of people there, so I was thinking it might be nice

if there was a bit of background music.

Well, Methuselah could do music.

Yes, I could.

Oh, Roger, what a good idea!

Yeah!

You're already a practising counsellor?

Well, in a way, yes, I am.

Um, you see...

I've been through a great deal myself, one way and another,

so I understand pain and loss.

But no actual qualifications?

I'd say I'm more qualified than most, with all my experience.

I'm always giving people advice. Are you?

Oh, all the time.

..we find ourselves at downward dog.

Downward dog, right leg up.

Three-legged dog.

Three-legged dog.

The thing is, I find the people who come to creative writing classes

tend to not be very...

Not very good at confrontation.

I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name already.

Wendy. - Oh, yes, Wendy.

Why don't you come and sit here?

Thank you.

I think we all know that feeling.

I certainly do.

Vicky.

Confrontation.

What's your experience?

My ex-husband!

Rebecca?

My ex-husband!

Norman?

My ex-husband!

Wendy?

My ex-husband!

Oh!

Mr Percy!

Quick snifter before the off?

A what? Hello, Roland.

Sandra!

What is all this? What's going on?

This is to help your open day to go with a swing and zing.

Swing and zing?

Who authorised all this?

The owner of the house.

♪ This old house once knew his children

♪ This old house once knew his wife

♪ This old house was home and comfort

♪ As they fought the storms of life

♪ This old house once rang with laughter

♪ This old house heard many shouts

♪ Now he trembles in the darkness

♪ When the lightnin' walks about

♪ Ain't gonna need this house no longer

♪ Ain't gonna need this house no more... ♪

Hello, again!

Smoked salmon?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you.

These are delicious.

It's a super house, isn't it? Oh, yes, it is.

It's so quiet and peaceful.

Very peaceful.

Magical.

Oh, have another? Oh.

There's a lovely aroma everywhere.

I can't quite think what it is.

That will be the potpourri.

Home-made from flowers in the garden.

Oh, do go and have a look at the garden.

It really is quite special.

We've got them in every room.

How lovely.

And they really do the job, thank goodness. - The job?

They cut right through the usual smell.

Smell?

The damp.

They've had it for years.

And you just can't shift it when you've got it,

can you?

No.

No, I don't suppose you can.

Oh.

Would you care for a glass of quality tipple?

Thank you.

Mmm, first-rate.

Yes, pity you can't say the same about the house. - Oh?

Oh, don't get me wrong, it's a lovely house,

but it's just its past, its tragic history.

What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Call me superstitious, but I wouldn't want to live here.

No.

Oh, dear.

Oh!

Ooh! Don't worry, we're not here for long.

Any offers? Offers?

On the house? The house!

Oh, it's all going swimming... swimmingly.

They got them all over the place, the whole house.

It's got this terrible smell they can't get rid of.

Terrible smell?!

There's never been any kind of bad smell in this house, ever.

It's what I was told.

♪ There is a house in Twickenham... ♪

Phil! Phil, no!

Run!

I'd say this is one of the best, wouldn't you? I think so.

Hello! Come and join us.

Yes, do sit down. - Ah, thank you.

I'm off for more. Can I get you anything?

No, no. I've already eaten, thank you.

The prawns are lovely.

Ah, good, good.

So...

What do you think of it?

Delicious, a real cut above.

The ham's a bit salty.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What do you think about the house?

Oh, the house.

Oh, well... Not for me.

Funny atmosphere.

Really? My wife picks things up.

Well, funny in what way?

Daphne finds it a bit, um...

Cold? No, no, um...

Spooky.

Spooky?! And then there's the smell.

What smell?

I think there was a death.

As I said, Daphne picks these things up.

What smell? The damp.

There's no smell of damp!

That's because of all these.

The a smell of damp's coming from those?!

No, that's why you don't smell it!

Would anyone like a prawn?

Actually, I think the smell is...

Is probably the dead body.

You see! Well done, Daphne.

Mind you, it is eight years ago.

What happened? Tragic.

It was a middle-aged woman.

Wardrobe.

Fell on her. - Oh! Oh, what a mess.

Took us a month to clean it up.

You seem to know a lot about it.

Well, I was there. You were there? Yes.

I pushed the wardrobe.

I was her husband!

So, Phil Parton, hello, I'm the owner of the house.

Now!

That's why the house is haunted, quite right.

So, let me get you some dessert.

What would... Who would like what?

I sense there are many levels of sorrow to this story.

No, no, there aren't.

No, I hated the bitch.

And all's well now because now she's dead,

you see, I've been able to turn it into a RESTAURANT!

Oh, anyone for dessert?

Hello?! Anyone for DESSERT?!

♪ Good-bye-ee! Good-bye-ee!

♪ Wipe a tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee

♪ Tho' it's hard to part, I know

♪ I'll be tickled to death when you go

♪ Good-bye-ee! Good-bye-ee!

♪ There's a silver lining in the sky-ee... ♪

You know, sometimes these things turn out for the best.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

It's just not meant to be.

Kismet.

You never know. I mean...

Someone might come back and make an offer.

Oh, yeah, that's really going to happen

You must admit, they were a strange bunch.

I mean, going on about the smell and the damp, and...

I mean, where did they get that from?

That's people for you, isn't it?

Wait till I get my hands on his...

Where's Phil?