Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

IN SLOW, GENTLE VOICE: Welcome. Good evening, everyone.

Before we start,

let's set an intention for the class.

Be grateful for being on the mat.

Does anyone have any injuries?

Sometimes my knees get a little stiff,

and other times my neck gives me a lot of gyp.

Ah! Yes. I can see my flatmate has come to support me.

Should be an interesting class, since she had three curries less than six hours ago.

Yes. Three. Fucksake.

Not whole ones. I didn't finish them.

LIVELY THEME MUSIC

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I see you came to sabotage my class, you arse.

Nooo. "See how kind and gentle I am,

with my pretend kind-angel whisper voice."

I speak mindfully because I want the class to be peaceful and relaxing.

IN SLOW, GENTLE VOICE: It was so great.

Um, you can talk! I heard you on the phone to Mark's mum.

IN POSH VOICE: "Um, yes, I agree, Jo."

"One mustn't forget the accoutrements."

What? I did not say accoutrements. Carol, you posh up!

Of all people! No, no, no, no. It's how it starts.

You get a little posh boyfriend... No! ..a little bit of tweed,

a smidge, then you're head to toe in it, shooting birds out the sky

for no reason! So, what - you've never moderated your voice

or your tone when you speak to someone?

No. But you're a actor, for God's sake.

At work, obviously. But in real life? No.

I bet that affects the auditions you get.

I haven't got to worry about it. I don't have an agent,

so I don't have auditions. Thank you. Looks great.

So, what we up to after this? Friday night!

I am going to Mark's. I am gonna stay around your mum's

and help Billy move into his new flat with Simon Skinny Pig tomorrow.

You know, I can't believe he's finally bought somewhere.

Anyone can save up for a deposit if they move home for five years and don't pay a penny rent!

Am I right?! THEY LAUGH

Well, maybe us three should try and buy somewhere together.

We'd probably need about what - 15 grand each for a deposit?

Where are we gonna get that kind of dough, sweeties?

Actually... Oh, my God! SHE CHUCKLES

Sorry! I haven't got that much, but close.

I'm a saver, baby!

Unlike you, spunkin' your money on needless shit

that's destroying the planet. Hey, hey!

I don't buy needless shit!

It slices eggs!

Where IS that egg-slicer?

And I got my investments - ethical, of course.

Investments? You've got investments?! All right, Martin Clunes!

Martin Clunes? Yeah! Er... Apprentice.

Martin Clunes. Alan Sugar, not Martin Clunes.

You're obsessed with Martin Clunes. It's a lovely word to say!

It should be a real word. Clunes. I bought some Clunes tonight.

Clunes... Yeah. It is. You know, if you're serious, Carol,

I think I might have enough for a deposit too.

What?! How dirty are those chakras you pretend to clean?

My nan. They sold the house.

Seems like the only good thing about dementia is that she forgot she was a racist.

For... I can't believe you didn't tell me you had investments, Carol.

I've told you repeatedly I have investments.

Right! I can't believe you didn't tell me you had investments, Carol,

in a way that didn't bore me to tears.

Well, you're interested now, aren't you, Marcie-pops -

now that we're gonna buy a house and leave you all on your own,

wanking your days away and looking at puppies you're never gonna buy.

LUCY CHUCKLES

That's not funny. I'm joking.

It's not funny. Martin Clunes!

SHE GIGGLES Dickhead.

Hey.

Hey! How you doing? I, er...

I brought your cardigan. Thanks.

It was period... Periods, yeah.

They're just... Yeah! Periods are... Um, just...

OK. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ooh! Um... Let's get the show on the road. OK.

Hey. Am I, er... Am I the show? Yes.

Yes, you are the show, Marcella.

And we're done. Cool!

So, er... what you up to at the weekend?

You hittin' the clubs? Shakin' your boot-ay?

No. No! I'm just gonna stay in... tonight,

er, watch a film, get a pizza.

What about you? Same.

Same, I think.

What are you gonna watch?

Um, I don't know. I was thinking maybe Steel Magnolias?

Maybe we could... No.

No. Actually I do have stuff to do.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

My tutor, Clarice, has -

IN HANNIBAL LECTER VOICE: "Hello, Clarice." What?

Silence Of The Lambs. I've never heard anyone called Clarice in real life.

Right. Er... OK. Um, yeah. Well... Er, Clarice -

"Do you still hear the lambs, Clarice?"

Sorry! SHE LAUGHS / CLEARS HER THROAT

Sorry. I won't interrupt. Sorry. OK.

Um, Clarice...

has asked me just if I would like to display some of my paintings

at this exhibition in a few weeks. What?!

SHE GASPS I can come and see your work.

Um, I'm... not sure...

..I want people I know to come.

Yeah, no. That makes loa-... That makes perfect sense.

That's totally fine. Honestly, I get it. You're driving really well.

What? What did you fail on again?

The examiner would've written it on the form.

Oh, yeah, she did. It was, um... It was something... I think...

I mean, I thought I did all right. She... Someone... A squirrel run out,

and I didn't hon-... I couldn't tell it was a squirrel.

I was, like, "Beep-beep!" PHONE BUZZES

Oh, sorry. It's Steven. I need to, er...

Sorry. I need to take this. Hey, Steve.

Have a nice weekend.

What did you want to talk to me about, anyway?

I'll tell you tomorrow, with your father.

Everything's OK, right? It's fine.

Um, excuse me, pet.

Whose idea was it to get rid of the handles?

Oh, my God, Mum! You ask this every time!

Was it a conscious choice to get rid of them?

Or did they just show up this way?

I don't know anything about the handles.

You don't seem too concerned with their whereabouts!

She knows about the handles, all right!

I am not the first person to ask,

"Why am I drinking tea from a bowl?"

SHE LAUGHS Hundred percent.

You know what I think? I think they DO have handles,

and when they see you walk in, they just smash them off.

SHE LAUGHS

Good mugs! That's something I can get for Billy's new flat.

Billy's just like me. He likes a thick rim.

I heard you like a thick rim.

Oh, grow up, Marcella! SHE LAUGHS

What are you going to get him? Er, why would I get Billy a present?

A moving-in present! I gave him the gift of understanding

for moving in with my ex-boyfriend - who, let's not forget,

I was nearly pregnant with. Were you a bit disappointed -

well, you know, not to get the ball rolling?

No, Mum! I mean...

why would I be disappointed not to be pregnant

with my ex-boyfriend, who is a married man?

I mean... I'm doing better than that. I'm doing OK!

OK! Sorry! Sorry!

OK, Marcella.

I think, subconsciously, this pregnancy scare

is just another way of keeping the driving instructor away,

just like this, er, mysterious Tania figure.

Tania figure?! Tan-... Tania's a real woman.

She's Simon's very angry wife. And I really thought I was pregnant.

You must be very relieved.

I dunno. I mean, would it have been so bad?

My life is embarrassingly empty of things

an unplanned pregnancy could actually affect.

Well, what about this relationship with Rashid?

It would ruin any chances of that developing.

Have you told him about passing the test? Rashid?!

Oh, sorry. Is that... Oh, I must have the wrong notes.

Frances keeps changing things. Hang on.

I just, um... Ralph! No. It's, er, Barney.

Jon. Jon. His name is Jon.

And, no, I haven't told him yet. I'm...

I wanna wait till it's less eggy between us

and take the test again. SHE SIGHS

Where is she today, anyway? Frances?

Ugh! Got engaged. Glad of the break.

What the fuck?! She's 12!

I mean, even SHE'S way ahead of me!

I... I'm so far behind everyone! In what way do you feel behind?

Where did you think you would be in life now?

SHE SPEAKS CHINESE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

You thought you'd be Chinese?!

No, of course I didn't think I'd be Chinese.

But I thought I would know some languages.

Chinese might be pushing it, but a little Spanish, maybe?

Gracias! El gran... It's not just that. Go on.

I just feel like I'm constantly trying to get things

that don't wanna get got.

The pregnancy scare has obviously thrown you.

But we can see this as a good thing,

showing you where you can push harder for the things you want.

When opportunity arises,

you need to pounce...

like a lion on skates.

On skates?

Think what you say, mate.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, hello, Marcella. How are you?

Good, thanks. I'm eating halloumi.

All right. Great.

Um, I was just phoning to inform you that I have checked the files,

and you are in fact correct. I am your agent.

Yeah. I know. I didn't - I feel very guilty.

Um, I think I mentioned, I was Adderall'd off my tits

for four years. Horrible business.

Seems I also signed a group of guys from Hollyoaks.

Anyway, I wanna help you, darling. What, like...

be my agent, but, like, properly? "Yeah. So, refresh my memory."

What kind of roles are you looking for? What have you done recently?

Um...

You ain't gonna find nuffin', you filth!

Girls' night! Girls' night! THEY SHOUT AND CACKLE

THEY SHOUT DANCE MUSIC POUNDS

Will that be all, ma'am?

Well, all kinds of... roles.

Not just gritty stuff. I can do posh.

Well, listen. Look, I would never, ever normally put you up for this.

Er, small part but great. Er, lawyer.

Ooh, wow! Lawyer? That's the dream!

Well, you're not at all what they're looking for in any way,

but by way of apology, I'll put you in the mix.

That'd be really amazing. Yeah. "All right, darling."

Apologies again for having forgotten about you entirely.

Ah, don't worry about that. Bye! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Fuckin'...yes!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

What is he, 31 now? He only scored nine goals last season.

Christ, Billy, the man's doing the best he can.

That's all anyone can do. You all right, Dad?

Yeah, I'm OK. I'm OK.

Just have a few things on me mind.

22 chicken dinners, five curries,

eight shepherd's pies, and a bucket of soup!

Seems like your mum thinks she's the only one in North London

with a cooker. We, er, ready to go? Er, just gotta wait for Skinny Pig.

He's gonna drop stuff round to take in the van, so...

Come here to me.

See this here? You enjoy this bit of life, you hear me? OK.

Cos this is the good stuff!

The moving in! The chicken dinners!

Right? This... This is... the stuff!

Billy! Hi, Michael.

Jesus Christ! Is that you, Skinny Pig?

I never would've recognised you

without the eyes rollin' in the back of your head

and without you stinkin' of shite an' all.

Well, Michael, I'm 93 days clean now, so the person you - Ah, that's grand.

Good for you. Now, come here. Do you think it's a good idea,

you two movin' in together? Yeah!

Of course. We're both sober and in recovery.

We're gonna support each other. Right.

Where's all the stuff you want dropping off? Oh! Thanks very much.

Is that the lot? That's the lot.

Christ! Come on, then.

"Objection, Your Honour! This man is a criminal."

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: This man is a criminal.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING TONE Hey, Jon.

Hey! Marcella, hi. You all right?

Yeah, good. Good. Um...

What are you... What are you up to?

Just doing some research for an audition I have on Monday.

"A lawyer." "Great!"

What about you? Er, yeah. Well, I took your advice.

Watched Steel Magnolias. Really?! Amazing, right?

So, so sad. Oh, my God.

It's cathartic sad, though, right? Good sad.

No. No, I just feel really sad. SHE LAUGHS

I'm glad that's made you laugh. Um...

Anyway, no. I just wanted to...

I'll see you on Wednesday.

OK. I'll see you... Hey, um - have you seen Beaches?

Er, is it sad? No. Not sad at all.

Then, I'll give it a go. OK. Night, Marcella.

OK. Bye bye.

CUTLERY CLATTERS That was delicious, Mum.

Well, thank you for coming around.

Now, this isn't going to be easy, so I'll need you to be strong.

HE SOBS It's OK!

It's not OK! I'm frightened, Mums.

Me and your father are getting divorced.

Wait. What's happening? You divorced when I was 11. Yeah.

We separated, but we didn't divorce.

Divorcin' me, after all of these years!

BOTH LAUGH

BOTH CONTINUE TO LAUGH

Dad, you've had about 20 live-in girlfriends since you left.

I mean, I don't even bother to remember their names anymore.

The last one I can think of is Teeth For Sale Tina.

What you call her Tina Teeth For Sale for?

Because she always smiled at you like she was trying to sell you her teeth.

"Hello, Billy! How's school today? Look at my incis-"... YES!

SHE HAD GREAT TEETH! But what's that to do with anything?

They all knew I was married! BOTH LAUGH

You think this is funny?! My fuckin' marriage is falling apart here!

Dad, are you actually insane?

We've been separated for over 20 years!

Not in here, Moira!

We haven't been separated in here!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yeah. Hi, Olga.

Yeah, yeah. I'll be home... I'll be home soon, love.

Huh?

Yeah, I could eat. Yeah. What's on offer?

All right. I'll have mash, yeah. No, chips.

Sweet-potato chips.

All right. We'll scrap the chips, then.

Let's not bother. Yeah. I'll just have the mash.

Grand. All right.

Yeah. Thanks, love. Bye.

Is Olga makin' mash? Sure, that'll cheer you right up.

Mash can't fix this, Moira. And you know it can't!

This is so mad!

You're gonna be from a broken home now. You realise that?

When I was nine, I saw you kissing another woman on Christmas Eve,

and you told me you were getting off with Santa Claus.

That fucked me up a lot more than this!

Ah, Jaysus, that was back in the '90s! I was a sex addict then.

Ohhh! He was. You'd be worried for the livestock around him,

he had that much of a libido. Gross! Sex addict? What?!

Well, we didn't have a name for it back then, did we?

No! I just thought he was a lying bastard.

I didn't realise. OK. All right.

Well, look, you have our blessing to get divorced. But can I say,

this is SO dysfunctional! It's no wonder that me and Billy are bad at relationships.

Oh! Hmm... I'm not bad at relationships.

OK. Er, you've literally just got out of rehab for the third time,

and you're moving into a house with two other single men, so...

Yeah, cos Lucy didn't wanna leave YOU, so... Oh, OK.

We were talking about buying a place together, so...

Yeah, but you have no way of doing that, so, like everything else...

Would you two stop it?! ..it's just talk.

No, but, actually - Oh, the cat is shitting on the table.

Orlando is that upset, he's shitting on the table!

MARCELLA AND BILLY ARGUE / HE SOBS Orlando, you dirty bastard!

WOMEN CONVERSING IN POSH VOICES I know, darling.

I mean, my nanny's doing everything now,

but Dorothy is amaaaaaaazing.

My last nanny was appalling!

Good afternoon, Marcella.

IN POSH VOICE: Good afternoon.

Mr Ronson. An absolute pleasure to meet you.

So, I can see your last roles were... oh, pretty gritty, really.

I wanted to show range. My agent's always, like, "Marcella,

you should be playing lawyers." And I went, "No."

"I want to play the wife of a car salesman." That's acting.

No point playing myself the whole time, is there?

Wait, sorry. ARE you a lawyer?

No. But I'm not far orf, if you catch my drift.

Smart. OK. Well, come in.

Oh! You'll be reading with David Chaplin.

IN HER OWN VOICE: THE David Ch-Ch-...

IN POSH VOICE: David Chaplin!

Good day. So, thanks for coming in.

Er, this is David Chaplin. Oh, my God.

It's such a... pleezure to meet you. That's an interesting accent.

Where exactly are you from? Er... SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

The, um... Er, Oxford. Oh! Where'd you go to school?

Eton. Eton?!

Er, near there. Just r-round the back of Eton.

I had a tutor, private of course, and she taught me...

Er, just... just near Eton. Just, er... And...

sometimes in Swiss Cottage, and Hong Kong.

Ah! So, international school, then.

Yes. Yes. That's it. Cos I knew it was...

OK. Er, give this a go, shall we?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

The law's the law, Sam. You must know how bad this looks.

Oh, no. No, sorry. After we watched your reel, we changed our minds.

Did you send her the sides for Pauline?

Is she... Is she the other lawyer? No. She's a bit more gritty.

She breeds greyhounds and sells spice out of a bingo hall.

It's a bigger part, as well. You're an old face from my...

Detective Owens' past.

Our lives have gone in very different directions.

Are you OK with a working-class London accent?

Oh, absolutely fine.

OK. Let's do it. On its feet.

You sure? Yeah! Why not? OK.

I... I won't know the lines.

Pauline, get these greyhounds off me!

IN HER OWN VOICE: Get down! Get out of it, dogs!

What do you know about the spice ring? Get down, boy!

I told you, I just like playing bingo. For God's sake!

If you don't want me to call the RSPCA about all these greyhounds,

you better tell me all about your spice ring.

I need to find my father, dammit! I don't know anything!

A bit more gritty.

I don't know nothing! What's happened?

Don't you find me attractive anymore? Remember when we was kids -

Oh, here we go. I don't feel bad for getting out.

You could've, as well. But even now you'd still rather sit and wait

to rob the pizza off a moped than buy one.

I pay for my takeaway now... WITH tip.

How is your mum? I heard she went to prison

for selling dodgy strip-club poles. Yeah. Not a big deal.

No big deal?! Tell that to the man who died

with an eight-inch stiletto sticking out of his face

like a sad unicorn! Listen 'ere.

I don't give a toss about that... tit perve,

or you comin' round 'ere with your big words.

I've told you all I know, so if there's anything else you want,

you can speak to Dan down at the club,

or Big Steve... or Fat Mike...

DAVID WHISPERS No. I do take the point.

IN POSH VOICE: I don't mind... You can, um...

You can speak to me directly. It's fine. I take direction very well.

Er, OK. It's the voice. Sorry. It sounds painfully inauthentic.

I don't buy that you're from inner-city London,

and, um... No. It just feels wrong.

Oh. SHE LAUGHS / CLEARS HER THROAT

IN HER OWN VOICE: Er... OK. My name's Marcella.

Um, I grew up in Camden, North London. Er -

Stop! It's bordering on offensive.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT IN POSH VOICE: OK, then.

Thank you for seeing me.

Toodle-pip.

I mean, that was just all a bit... Don Cheadle in Ocean's Eleven,

wasn't it? Am I alone here?

SONG: My Happiness by Connie Francis

♪ Evening shadows ♪ Make me blue... ♪

DOOR BANGS Hey.

Hello. Hiya. Where you been?

Just walking...

all over London... on my own.

I've decided I'm gonna give up acting!

Don't be silly. You're always like this after an audition.

Why? Cos she doesn't get any work. Don't be a prick, Bill.

He's actually right. I don't get any work. And it's really not right.

It's not good for my mental health, and you can't build a life like this.

And I don't wanna do it anymore,

and I'm gonna have to get a full-time job,

and I don't even know what. Teaching, I guess?!

Can I do if it it's just... I don't wanna do mornings!

Maybe evening teaching or something! You've said this before.

I know I've said it before. I mean it this time, Carol. I'm done. I want out.

I'm donezo, mate. I don't wanna hear about acting.

I don't wanna hear actors' names. That's all I ask.

I'm out. I'm fuckin' finished with it all.

PHONE RINGS I'm gonna have a new life!

Oh!

Hello?

Hi, Marcella. Great news.

What great news? Did I, um... Did I get a part?

No, no. Did you say you went to Eton?

No! Anyway, out of nowhere,

we've had a request for you to act in a commercial. Yoghurt, I think.

Yoghurt? What do you mean? Anyway, no audition,

and the fee is £12,000. £12,000?! No audition?

Well, there's no business like show business.

You're right! There ISN'T any business like - Bye!

Bye! Thank you so much. Bye bye!

SHE SNIFFS Oh, my God!

I'm back in the game! BOTH, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Yay.

Nice.

♪ Don't bring me posies

♪ When it's shoes I need ♪ Tough Mary

♪ Don't bring me flowers ♪ Tough Mary

♪ Don't bring me the sea ♪ Tough Mary is tough

♪ Just bring me diamonds ♪ Tough Mary

♪ That'll suit me fine ♪ Tough Mary

♪ And I'll love you forever ♪ Tough Mary

♪ And you'll be mine ♪ Tough Mary is... ♪