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1
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- I bet it's Eli.
2
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- Hey buddy, what's up?
3
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- I'm so sorry to bother you,
4
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I need some advice.
5
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- I told you.
6
00:00:52,163 --> 00:00:54,086
Put it on speaker.
7
00:00:54,086 --> 00:00:55,174
What's going on?
8
00:00:55,174 --> 00:00:56,723
Did he stand you up?
9
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- No, no, Brett's here.
10
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He's very present.
11
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He just bears absolutely no resemblance
12
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to the picture in his profile.
13
00:01:05,363 --> 00:01:08,205
- Maybe it was an old photo.
14
00:01:08,205 --> 00:01:09,485
- Okay, I know time can be cruel,
15
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but I don't know how he lost a foot
16
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:13,443
of his height and literally all
17
00:01:13,443 --> 00:01:16,760
of his African-American heritage.
18
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,677
- Well, you did say you
were open to all races.
19
00:01:22,467 --> 00:01:23,484
- I am.
20
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He lied, okay and I'm not talking about
21
00:01:26,488 --> 00:01:28,024
some little white lie,
22
00:01:28,024 --> 00:01:30,125
I'm talking about like a big muscly
23
00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:33,608
I-stole-somebody-else's-profile lie.
24
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- Yeah, that is kind of bad.
25
00:01:36,744 --> 00:01:37,987
- So what do I do?
26
00:01:37,987 --> 00:01:39,144
- Just be honest with him.
27
00:01:39,144 --> 00:01:40,168
Tell him that you do not appreciate
28
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that he misrepresented
himself and then leave.
29
00:01:43,965 --> 00:01:45,215
- Right, okay.
30
00:01:48,488 --> 00:01:50,821
Hi, um, you know, I'm sorry.
31
00:01:52,563 --> 00:01:53,565
That, that phone call was actually
32
00:01:53,565 --> 00:01:55,648
an emergency with my cat.
33
00:01:56,504 --> 00:01:57,907
Very sick.
34
00:01:57,907 --> 00:01:59,128
I've gotta go.
35
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- But you just got here.
36
00:02:00,125 --> 00:02:01,528
- I know.
37
00:02:01,528 --> 00:02:02,945
But, it's rabies?
38
00:02:04,143 --> 00:02:05,667
And he doesn't have much time so
39
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,563
I really gotta to be
there for his final hours.
40
00:02:08,563 --> 00:02:09,565
- Oh, okay well.
41
00:02:09,565 --> 00:02:12,408
I will call you and we can reschedule.
42
00:02:12,408 --> 00:02:13,405
- You know, my people actually have
43
00:02:13,405 --> 00:02:16,387
a really long mourning period.
44
00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:17,744
For pets.
45
00:02:17,744 --> 00:02:20,765
So I'm gonna be sipping Chivas for months.
46
00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:23,432
- I, do you mean sitting shiva?
47
00:02:24,408 --> 00:02:25,991
- No, Chivas Regal,
48
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,627
it's how we cope.
49
00:02:28,627 --> 00:02:29,964
It was so nice to meet you.
50
00:02:29,964 --> 00:02:30,968
- Oh, I can help.
51
00:02:30,968 --> 00:02:32,003
I am a,
52
00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:33,986
I'm a grief counselor.
53
00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:36,627
- Your profile said graphic designer.
54
00:02:36,627 --> 00:02:40,210
- I'm multi talented in all kinds of ways.
55
00:02:42,845 --> 00:02:44,595
- I really should go.
56
00:02:50,565 --> 00:02:52,164
Could you please let go.
57
00:02:52,164 --> 00:02:53,331
- Just tell me you'll let me help.
58
00:02:53,331 --> 00:02:56,546
I know I can make you feel better.
59
00:02:56,546 --> 00:02:57,549
- Fine, whatever.
60
00:02:57,549 --> 00:02:58,547
I'll call you.
61
00:02:58,547 --> 00:02:59,571
- Okay, when?
62
00:02:59,571 --> 00:03:00,749
- Soon.
63
00:03:00,749 --> 00:03:03,011
- Tomorrow, I'm open all afternoon.
64
00:03:03,011 --> 00:03:04,178
- Yes, great.
65
00:03:05,469 --> 00:03:06,483
Bye.
66
00:03:06,483 --> 00:03:07,491
We'll talk then.
67
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,824
- Don't leave, don't leave.
68
00:03:12,504 --> 00:03:14,837
Ah, he smells like my future
69
00:03:20,407 --> 00:03:21,240
- Whoa.
70
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,989
- You told him some crazy lie, right?
71
00:03:32,989 --> 00:03:35,489
- Not crazy, cats get rabies.
72
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,280
- What?
73
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:39,806
- It's not funny.
74
00:03:39,806 --> 00:03:41,241
He seriously wouldn't let go.
75
00:03:41,241 --> 00:03:43,507
I had to drag him across the floor
76
00:03:43,507 --> 00:03:46,525
while everybody in the
coffee house watched.
77
00:03:46,525 --> 00:03:48,967
- And you were afraid
he wouldn't like you.
78
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:49,965
- Oh he liked me all right.
79
00:03:49,965 --> 00:03:51,027
But I think it was in a
80
00:03:51,027 --> 00:03:52,024
I want to wear your skin,
81
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:55,774
it puts the lotion in
the basket kind of way.
82
00:03:56,902 --> 00:03:58,744
- I'm sure you're exaggerating.
83
00:03:58,744 --> 00:03:59,747
- Okay, fine.
84
00:03:59,747 --> 00:04:01,163
He's probably not dangerous.
85
00:04:01,163 --> 00:04:02,328
But, I don't know,
86
00:04:02,328 --> 00:04:03,784
but it's kind of sad,
87
00:04:03,784 --> 00:04:05,624
he's actually not a bad looking guy.
88
00:04:05,624 --> 00:04:06,925
I just think he feels like he needs
89
00:04:06,925 --> 00:04:08,568
to lie about who he is to get someone
90
00:04:08,568 --> 00:04:10,565
to go on a date with him.
91
00:04:10,565 --> 00:04:13,565
- Maybe he just found
a strategy that works.
92
00:04:13,565 --> 00:04:14,568
I'm sure some guys go ahead
93
00:04:14,568 --> 00:04:16,467
and have sex with him.
94
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:18,626
- That's too pathetic.
95
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:19,768
It can't be true.
96
00:04:19,768 --> 00:04:22,226
- He probably gets more
action than you do.
97
00:04:22,226 --> 00:04:23,289
- Yeah, thanks Nat,
98
00:04:23,289 --> 00:04:25,885
I always feel better
after our little chats.
99
00:04:25,885 --> 00:04:26,968
- I'm sorry.
100
00:04:28,045 --> 00:04:29,885
You know I'm right.
101
00:04:29,885 --> 00:04:32,303
- God, why is my dating
life such a disaster?
102
00:04:32,303 --> 00:04:36,042
- Tonight was bad, but it's not just you.
103
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,445
I mean, it's tough out
there for everybody.
104
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,768
- Ryan is right,
105
00:04:39,768 --> 00:04:41,048
I'm sure crazier shit than this
106
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:45,048
is happening in coffee
houses all over the city.
107
00:04:48,408 --> 00:04:50,991
(upbeat music)
108
00:05:47,203 --> 00:05:48,536
- Mind if I join you?
109
00:05:48,536 --> 00:05:50,105
- Are you sure?
110
00:05:50,105 --> 00:05:52,019
I'm not on your app.
111
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,304
- Does that mean you're straight?
112
00:05:53,304 --> 00:05:55,749
- No, just not into hooking up.
113
00:05:55,749 --> 00:05:56,883
- Me neither.
114
00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:59,177
I, I mean I really just
have that app for laughs.
115
00:05:59,177 --> 00:06:00,381
- Does it work?
116
00:06:00,381 --> 00:06:01,298
For laughs?
117
00:06:02,826 --> 00:06:03,826
- Sometimes.
118
00:06:08,458 --> 00:06:09,880
- So, um, do you have a name,
119
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:10,883
people usually do?
120
00:06:10,883 --> 00:06:12,323
- Sorry, it's Darren.
121
00:06:12,323 --> 00:06:13,320
You?
122
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,237
- Matthew.
123
00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:16,323
- I haven't seen you in here before,
124
00:06:16,323 --> 00:06:18,723
this is kind of a hangout for me.
125
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:20,330
- I'm new in the neighborhood.
126
00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:22,120
Just moved from San Francisco.
127
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,939
- You'll do fine.
128
00:06:23,939 --> 00:06:25,981
You're very sexy,
129
00:06:25,981 --> 00:06:28,440
if you don't mind my saying.
130
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,520
- I don't mind, but seriously,
131
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,735
does that line usually work?
132
00:06:32,735 --> 00:06:33,741
- What?
133
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:35,101
I'm sincere.
134
00:06:35,101 --> 00:06:37,203
- You sincerely want to get into my pants.
135
00:06:37,203 --> 00:06:38,819
- Well you shouldn't wear them so tight
136
00:06:38,819 --> 00:06:40,061
if you don't want people to fantasize
137
00:06:40,061 --> 00:06:42,461
about what's inside.
138
00:06:42,461 --> 00:06:44,483
- Fair enough.
139
00:06:44,483 --> 00:06:47,939
- So what do you think my chances are?
140
00:06:47,939 --> 00:06:50,975
- Of getting into my pants?
141
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:53,439
I thought you weren't into hooking up?
142
00:06:53,439 --> 00:06:54,723
- This isn't a hookup?
143
00:06:54,723 --> 00:06:55,727
- Why?
144
00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,225
Because we bonded,
145
00:06:57,225 --> 00:06:59,283
formed a deep meaningful relationship?
146
00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:00,280
- Hey we bantered,
147
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,723
I think that raises this
to at least to a fling.
148
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:03,800
- A fling?
149
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,080
- What do you prefer, rendezvous,
150
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,497
liaison, un affaire de coeur?
151
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,659
- Let's stick with English.
152
00:07:10,659 --> 00:07:11,659
- I guess a,
153
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,840
I guess a fling will do.
154
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:29,993
- So.
155
00:07:32,083 --> 00:07:35,539
Any idea what you'd like to do on Friday?
156
00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:38,355
- We never go out on Fridays.
157
00:07:38,355 --> 00:07:41,208
- Have you forgotten what day it is?
158
00:07:41,208 --> 00:07:43,699
- Hmmm, let me think?
159
00:07:43,699 --> 00:07:45,949
Is it Bastille Day already?
160
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,459
- Bastard.
161
00:07:49,459 --> 00:07:50,723
- Do you think we would
have lasted 25 years
162
00:07:50,723 --> 00:07:51,922
if I made a habit out
163
00:07:51,922 --> 00:07:54,858
of forgetting our anniversary?
164
00:07:54,858 --> 00:07:57,240
- Well, we are pushing 40,
165
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,600
senility can set in at any time.
166
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:00,659
- Well don't count on it,
167
00:08:00,659 --> 00:08:03,523
I'm going to be sharp as a tack at 90.
168
00:08:03,523 --> 00:08:05,923
Just like my mother.
169
00:08:05,923 --> 00:08:08,120
- Hopefully, not as bitchy.
170
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,219
- My hearing, is also still just fine.
171
00:08:11,219 --> 00:08:12,403
- I'm kidding.
172
00:08:12,403 --> 00:08:14,736
You know I love your mother.
173
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:18,260
So, how should we celebrate?
174
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:21,876
25 years.
175
00:08:24,781 --> 00:08:26,448
Makes a girl think.
176
00:08:27,418 --> 00:08:28,959
- I'm sorry, I don't think we're going
177
00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:30,641
to be able to resurrect Marilyn Monroe
178
00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:32,163
for the occasion.
179
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:33,521
As much as I'd like to.
180
00:08:33,521 --> 00:08:34,354
- I know.
181
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,619
We should do something special
182
00:08:37,619 --> 00:08:39,369
to mark the occasion.
183
00:08:42,339 --> 00:08:43,506
- Surprise me.
184
00:08:45,763 --> 00:08:48,096
(screaming)
185
00:09:01,363 --> 00:09:02,419
- Ok, cut!
186
00:09:02,419 --> 00:09:03,599
Great work everyone.
187
00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:05,677
This next setup is going
to take a while so relax,
188
00:09:05,677 --> 00:09:06,918
get some coffee.
189
00:09:06,918 --> 00:09:10,001
We'll give you a five minute warning.
190
00:09:11,341 --> 00:09:13,101
- Ooh, I think I sprained my uterus.
191
00:09:13,101 --> 00:09:14,518
- You are bloody.
192
00:09:15,616 --> 00:09:17,300
- Yeah, you think we get extra for this?
193
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,217
- I dunno.
194
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:26,421
I can't believe I went to Julliard.
195
00:09:26,421 --> 00:09:29,504
We don't even have any fucking lines.
196
00:09:31,261 --> 00:09:34,060
- I consider arrraaaaghhh to be a line.
197
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,100
I mean it's better than some of
198
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,933
the sitcom dialog I've had to say.
199
00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:44,713
- Aah, this is god awful.
200
00:09:44,713 --> 00:09:46,356
I think it's been sitting here all day.
201
00:09:46,356 --> 00:09:47,356
- Probably.
202
00:09:48,936 --> 00:09:49,928
- Wait.
203
00:09:49,928 --> 00:09:51,534
You said that you were in sitcoms?
204
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:52,537
I've been here,
205
00:09:52,537 --> 00:09:54,061
thank you,
206
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,997
I've been here for three months
207
00:09:55,997 --> 00:09:59,021
and this the first job that I've booked.
208
00:09:59,021 --> 00:10:00,797
- Aah, this is disgusting.
209
00:10:00,797 --> 00:10:01,842
- I know.
210
00:10:01,842 --> 00:10:04,739
This is what I think they call swill.
211
00:10:04,739 --> 00:10:05,958
- You know what zombie number three?
212
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,981
You want to go get some real coffee?
213
00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:09,619
I saw a place around the corner.
214
00:10:09,619 --> 00:10:10,861
- Wait, do you think that we can leave?
215
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,160
And by the way I'm Brad.
216
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:17,936
Only my hardcore fans call
me zombie number three.
217
00:10:17,936 --> 00:10:20,017
- One, it's literally
right across the street
218
00:10:20,017 --> 00:10:21,480
so we're going to be back in two minutes.
219
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:26,061
And, I am not zombie with
head wound, I'm Sean.
220
00:10:26,061 --> 00:10:27,156
- Nice to meet you.
221
00:10:27,156 --> 00:10:28,978
- Nice to meet you.
222
00:10:28,978 --> 00:10:29,811
- Come on!
223
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:33,156
They're not paying us enough to stay here
224
00:10:33,156 --> 00:10:35,101
and drink this shit.
225
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:36,460
- Yeah, that's true.
226
00:10:36,460 --> 00:10:38,015
Let's go.
227
00:10:38,015 --> 00:10:40,061
- Throw out her banana.
228
00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:43,644
Who would hand someone
a half eaten banana?
229
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,062
- So you really went to Julliard?
230
00:10:57,062 --> 00:10:59,623
- Yeah, that a $1.85 got
me this cup of coffee.
231
00:10:59,623 --> 00:11:02,147
- I got my MFA from UCLA which sounds
232
00:11:02,147 --> 00:11:04,125
like word salad but it's supposed
233
00:11:04,125 --> 00:11:06,424
to impress the casting directors.
234
00:11:06,424 --> 00:11:08,067
- Does it?
235
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:11,123
- Well, I'm being paid below minimum wage
236
00:11:11,123 --> 00:11:14,323
to terrorize beautiful
young women so, yeah,
237
00:11:14,323 --> 00:11:15,740
living the dream.
238
00:11:16,706 --> 00:11:19,678
- It does sound like some guy's dream.
239
00:11:19,678 --> 00:11:21,245
- Yeah, maybe.
240
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,858
But I'm not really
interested in eating women,
241
00:11:22,858 --> 00:11:25,025
figuratively or literally.
242
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,144
- Oh, well.
243
00:11:27,981 --> 00:11:28,898
Me neither.
244
00:11:31,341 --> 00:11:33,661
- Do you think they
purposely hired gay zombies?
245
00:11:33,661 --> 00:11:36,024
Like it's a political
statement or something?
246
00:11:36,024 --> 00:11:37,283
- Yeah, because they're
all radical evangelicals
247
00:11:37,283 --> 00:11:40,959
and we're responsible
for earthquakes and 9/11.
248
00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:42,003
So why wouldn't be be responsible
249
00:11:42,003 --> 00:11:44,170
for the zombie apocalypse?
250
00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:46,517
- Do you really think that
251
00:11:46,517 --> 00:11:49,261
it's some sort of
anti-gay propaganda film?
252
00:11:49,261 --> 00:11:51,405
- No, of course not.
253
00:11:51,405 --> 00:11:52,421
I don't think they know that their
254
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,184
two lead zombies are gay.
255
00:11:54,184 --> 00:11:55,181
It's not like I put gay
256
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:57,661
on the top of my resume.
257
00:11:57,661 --> 00:12:00,420
I don't really consider
it a special skill.
258
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,443
- Oh, I disagree.
259
00:12:01,443 --> 00:12:02,456
I think being a good homosexual
260
00:12:02,456 --> 00:12:03,565
takes a lot of special skills.
261
00:12:03,565 --> 00:12:05,400
But you're right,
262
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,243
none of them are on my resume.
263
00:12:08,243 --> 00:12:10,120
Um, but I do have, can drive stick shift
264
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,703
and can touch nose with tongue.
265
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,673
- Oh wow, intriguing.
266
00:12:16,621 --> 00:12:18,664
- Oh god, I'm so gross,
267
00:12:18,664 --> 00:12:20,803
did that sound like a come on?
268
00:12:20,803 --> 00:12:22,461
It was not meant to be come on.
269
00:12:22,461 --> 00:12:23,704
- No, not really.
270
00:12:23,704 --> 00:12:25,537
But, a girl can dream.
271
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,001
- So, I take it you're single.
272
00:12:30,001 --> 00:12:31,341
- Yeah, like I said,
273
00:12:31,341 --> 00:12:32,883
I just moved here a couple of months ago
274
00:12:32,883 --> 00:12:34,560
and Los Angeles is not the easiest
275
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,310
place to meet people.
276
00:12:37,363 --> 00:12:38,501
I mean there is not a big demand
277
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:42,563
for under-employed
actors with crappy cars.
278
00:12:42,563 --> 00:12:43,959
- Well, no, because half the population
279
00:12:43,959 --> 00:12:45,784
of Los Angeles is under employed
280
00:12:45,784 --> 00:12:48,424
actors who drive crappy cars.
281
00:12:48,424 --> 00:12:50,083
- So what about you?
282
00:12:50,083 --> 00:12:52,104
- Oh no, my car's great.
283
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,057
- No, I mean, are you single?
284
00:12:54,057 --> 00:12:55,603
- I know what you meant.
285
00:12:55,603 --> 00:12:57,936
- Um, yeah, I am, actually.
286
00:12:59,464 --> 00:13:01,214
- Oh, so, then, maybe
287
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:05,640
we could go out sometime.
288
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,341
- Like, on a date?
289
00:13:07,341 --> 00:13:08,840
You don't even know what I look like.
290
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,163
- So, you don't know what I look like.
291
00:13:10,163 --> 00:13:12,037
It could be like a blind date.
292
00:13:12,037 --> 00:13:15,637
- Yeah, but I don't really do blind dates.
293
00:13:15,637 --> 00:13:17,438
Here, why don't I show you some photos.
294
00:13:17,438 --> 00:13:18,996
- No.
295
00:13:18,996 --> 00:13:21,060
- What do you mean no?
296
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:22,502
- Listen.
297
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:24,036
Sean, I have nothing to hide,
298
00:13:24,036 --> 00:13:25,240
it's not like I have some deformities
299
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,224
underneath this makeup.
300
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:29,421
I just think that's it
sad that like our world,
301
00:13:29,421 --> 00:13:33,400
man on man, online world has been reduced
302
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,701
to looking at nothing but like dick pics
303
00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:39,357
and face pics and chest pics.
304
00:13:39,357 --> 00:13:40,418
- Oh, and don't forget my favorite,
305
00:13:40,418 --> 00:13:42,461
the completely natural pose,
306
00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:44,979
um, which is clearly a candid shot,
307
00:13:44,979 --> 00:13:47,000
where they're ever so slightly lifting
308
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,181
up their shirt to show their abs.
309
00:13:49,181 --> 00:13:50,637
- Yes, exactly.
310
00:13:50,637 --> 00:13:54,077
I mean that's why this
is liberating, like this.
311
00:13:54,077 --> 00:13:56,963
I mean, you actually are interested
312
00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:59,130
in me and what I'm saying.
313
00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:03,363
- I think I get what you're saying.
314
00:14:03,363 --> 00:14:06,259
You're totally ug-o, right?
315
00:14:06,259 --> 00:14:07,880
Dude, I'm kidding.
316
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,876
No, I understand what
you're saying, I really do.
317
00:14:11,876 --> 00:14:13,279
But you can't pretend that physical
318
00:14:13,279 --> 00:14:15,379
appearance doesn't matter.
319
00:14:15,379 --> 00:14:17,181
- Of course it matters.
320
00:14:17,181 --> 00:14:18,931
But I'm not a troll.
321
00:14:21,741 --> 00:14:22,740
Look, I may not be your type
322
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,341
and you may not be my type but I like you.
323
00:14:25,341 --> 00:14:27,841
And I think that you like me.
324
00:14:29,718 --> 00:14:31,759
So, let's just, you know, be surprised
325
00:14:31,759 --> 00:14:33,923
and go from there.
326
00:14:33,923 --> 00:14:35,922
Kind of the opposite of Grindr
327
00:14:35,922 --> 00:14:40,197
and Jacked and Lewd and Scuff and Growler.
328
00:14:40,197 --> 00:14:41,560
- None of which you actually use.
329
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,563
You just happen to know the name
330
00:14:42,563 --> 00:14:44,039
of every single app.
331
00:14:44,039 --> 00:14:45,206
- No, not me.
332
00:14:49,316 --> 00:14:50,816
So, is it a date?
333
00:14:55,443 --> 00:14:57,518
- Is it wrong, that even as a zombie,
334
00:14:57,518 --> 00:14:59,851
I do think you're kinda hot?
335
00:15:01,617 --> 00:15:03,921
- Maybe, I don't know.
336
00:15:03,921 --> 00:15:05,661
But for someone who's undead,
337
00:15:05,661 --> 00:15:07,994
you're pretty sexy yourself.
338
00:15:09,379 --> 00:15:11,046
- Ooh, back to set.
339
00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:14,781
What the hell was that?
340
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,440
- A kiss.
341
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,725
A zombie kiss.
342
00:15:17,725 --> 00:15:19,581
You know, just in case you do find
343
00:15:19,581 --> 00:15:21,821
me disgusting when we're out of makeup.
344
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:22,821
- All right.
345
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:24,904
But I think I got a little brain
346
00:15:24,904 --> 00:15:26,987
matter on your lower lip.
347
00:15:43,283 --> 00:15:44,883
- Hey, what can I get you guys?
348
00:15:44,883 --> 00:15:47,683
- Hi, can I get a large
sugar-free mocha latte.
349
00:15:47,683 --> 00:15:49,725
And can I get that with non-fat milk?
350
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:50,723
- Can I have your name?
351
00:15:50,723 --> 00:15:51,725
- Lance.
352
00:15:51,725 --> 00:15:52,883
- You are so gay.
353
00:15:52,883 --> 00:15:54,403
Non-fat and sugar-free?
354
00:15:54,403 --> 00:15:56,824
- Hey, this body doesn't
just maintain itself!
355
00:15:56,824 --> 00:15:58,381
- I'll have the same thing,
356
00:15:58,381 --> 00:16:00,061
except you can put his missing cream
357
00:16:00,061 --> 00:16:02,125
and sugar in mine.
358
00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:02,958
Peter.
359
00:16:03,843 --> 00:16:06,061
- You sure about that, buddy?
360
00:16:06,061 --> 00:16:07,965
If you keep guzzling the sugar and fat,
361
00:16:07,965 --> 00:16:10,377
you're never going to beat me.
362
00:16:10,377 --> 00:16:11,384
- Okay, okay, I was a
little off my game today.
363
00:16:11,384 --> 00:16:14,634
I think I'm coming down with something.
364
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,363
- Can one come down with a pot belly?
365
00:16:17,363 --> 00:16:18,365
- Fuck you!
366
00:16:18,365 --> 00:16:19,400
The Dad bod is in.
367
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,678
All right, I'm in great shape,
368
00:16:21,678 --> 00:16:23,701
I just had an off day.
369
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:25,325
- You say that every time I whip your ass.
370
00:16:25,325 --> 00:16:27,165
- You did not whip my ass.
371
00:16:27,165 --> 00:16:28,803
- I mopped up the floor with it.
372
00:16:28,803 --> 00:16:29,981
I owned your ass.
373
00:16:29,981 --> 00:16:30,984
- Yeah, you wish.
374
00:16:30,984 --> 00:16:32,280
- Get over yourself.
375
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:33,280
Not every gay guy is lusting
376
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,904
after your virgin hole.
377
00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:36,483
- That's not what I meant.
378
00:16:36,483 --> 00:16:37,500
And I'm perfectly happy if your
379
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:41,523
people never give my
backside a second thought.
380
00:16:41,523 --> 00:16:42,356
What?
381
00:16:43,885 --> 00:16:47,165
- It's just I feel kind of
sorry for straight guys.
382
00:16:47,165 --> 00:16:48,163
You completely miss out on
383
00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,784
one of life's great pleasures.
384
00:16:49,784 --> 00:16:50,787
- You're kidding, right?
385
00:16:50,787 --> 00:16:52,205
You feel sorry for us?
386
00:16:52,205 --> 00:16:53,038
- Lance.
387
00:16:54,909 --> 00:16:55,891
- What?
388
00:16:55,891 --> 00:16:57,891
Because we're not getting
our asses pounded?
389
00:16:57,891 --> 00:16:59,187
- Yes.
390
00:16:59,187 --> 00:17:01,331
You have no idea how much more intense
391
00:17:01,331 --> 00:17:04,831
an orgasm is when you're being penetrated.
392
00:17:06,044 --> 00:17:07,048
- Yeah.
393
00:17:07,048 --> 00:17:08,925
I'm think I'm all set on that one.
394
00:17:08,925 --> 00:17:09,758
- Peter.
395
00:17:11,928 --> 00:17:13,583
- That's just your straight male
396
00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:15,250
fear of penetration.
397
00:17:16,346 --> 00:17:17,344
You think of it as submission,
398
00:17:17,344 --> 00:17:18,989
unmasculine.
399
00:17:18,989 --> 00:17:19,987
- I'm not afraid.
400
00:17:19,987 --> 00:17:20,989
I'm just not gay.
401
00:17:20,989 --> 00:17:23,587
I'm like a total eight
on the Kinsey scale.
402
00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:25,688
- The scale only goes to six
403
00:17:25,688 --> 00:17:28,408
and I'm pretty sure
that's the 100% gay side.
404
00:17:28,408 --> 00:17:29,405
- Whatever.
405
00:17:29,405 --> 00:17:31,389
The point is, I'm not
even a little bit bi.
406
00:17:31,389 --> 00:17:32,525
The thought of a guy's dick up my butt
407
00:17:32,525 --> 00:17:34,547
is not appealing.
408
00:17:34,547 --> 00:17:36,349
- Who said anything about a guy?
409
00:17:36,349 --> 00:17:38,248
This isn't a gay straight thing.
410
00:17:38,248 --> 00:17:39,448
I'm talking about exploring one
411
00:17:39,448 --> 00:17:42,429
of your body's most
sensitive erogenous zones.
412
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:45,005
- Exploring it with what a flashlight?
413
00:17:45,005 --> 00:17:48,663
- I'd start with something smaller.
414
00:17:48,663 --> 00:17:49,666
- You're serious?
415
00:17:49,666 --> 00:17:50,664
- It's called pegging.
416
00:17:50,664 --> 00:17:51,667
Lots of straight guys are doing it.
417
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:52,728
It's a thing.
418
00:17:52,728 --> 00:17:53,726
- Bullshit.
419
00:17:53,726 --> 00:17:55,083
You're making this up.
420
00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:56,083
- Google it.
421
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,427
- So it's what, a guy getting fucked
422
00:17:59,427 --> 00:18:01,481
by a girl with a strap-on?
423
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,968
- Exactly.
424
00:18:02,968 --> 00:18:04,045
They even make these strap-ons that
425
00:18:04,045 --> 00:18:05,606
penetrate the woman while
426
00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:07,539
she penetrates her partner.
427
00:18:07,539 --> 00:18:09,289
Win-win for everyone.
428
00:18:11,725 --> 00:18:14,205
It makes total sense, okay?
429
00:18:14,205 --> 00:18:17,565
The anus and prostate have
tons of nerve endings.
430
00:18:17,565 --> 00:18:19,645
Why are they there if not to give
431
00:18:19,645 --> 00:18:22,564
us pleasure during anal sex?
432
00:18:22,564 --> 00:18:24,525
- Oh, oh, you want to
play the evolution card?
433
00:18:24,525 --> 00:18:27,437
All right, there's no
evolution without reproduction.
434
00:18:27,437 --> 00:18:29,861
And that requires a man fucking a woman
435
00:18:29,861 --> 00:18:31,028
in the vagina.
436
00:18:33,965 --> 00:18:35,507
And you want to talk
about missed experiences?
437
00:18:35,507 --> 00:18:37,373
You've never even been
with a woman, right?
438
00:18:37,373 --> 00:18:38,387
- Right.
439
00:18:38,387 --> 00:18:39,384
Gold card gay.
440
00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:40,426
- Okay, well, you are missing out on
441
00:18:40,426 --> 00:18:43,667
one of life's great pleasures, pussy.
442
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:44,664
- I'm good with that.
443
00:18:44,664 --> 00:18:46,211
- Okay.
444
00:18:46,211 --> 00:18:49,711
Well, I'm good leaving my anus unexplored.
445
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,289
- Maybe we're both just scared.
446
00:18:52,289 --> 00:18:55,206
Maybe what we need is an incentive.
447
00:18:59,069 --> 00:19:00,072
- What do you mean?
448
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,069
- A bet.
449
00:19:01,069 --> 00:19:03,822
A gentlemanly wager which
ever of us overcomes
450
00:19:03,822 --> 00:19:06,322
his fears first wins 20 bucks.
451
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,089
- 20 bucks.
452
00:19:13,089 --> 00:19:14,086
If we're going to do this,
453
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,489
let's make it worthwhile.
454
00:19:15,489 --> 00:19:16,322
A hundred!
455
00:19:17,628 --> 00:19:18,628
- You're on.
456
00:19:51,708 --> 00:19:52,708
- Holy Crap.
457
00:19:53,809 --> 00:19:54,806
You're Asian.
458
00:19:54,806 --> 00:19:55,723
- No shit.
459
00:19:56,644 --> 00:19:57,649
- Why didn't you tell me?
460
00:19:57,649 --> 00:19:58,646
- Tell you what?
461
00:19:58,646 --> 00:19:59,649
- With those glasses,
462
00:19:59,649 --> 00:20:01,486
I thought you were Latino.
463
00:20:01,486 --> 00:20:04,449
- Nope, I'm Filipino descent.
464
00:20:04,449 --> 00:20:05,866
- Hang on a sec.
465
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,086
- I'm just not into Asians.
466
00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,926
- You had me fooled.
467
00:20:11,926 --> 00:20:13,548
- I'm not racist, really I'm not,
468
00:20:13,548 --> 00:20:16,865
it's just Asians aren't my thing.
469
00:20:16,865 --> 00:20:18,049
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
470
00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:19,932
I'm not anybody's thing.
471
00:20:19,932 --> 00:20:21,590
- Now, don't go getting offended.
472
00:20:21,590 --> 00:20:23,691
- No fats, fems or Asians, right?
473
00:20:23,691 --> 00:20:24,689
Let me guess,
474
00:20:24,689 --> 00:20:26,589
you probably have a no
blacks policy as well.
475
00:20:26,589 --> 00:20:28,506
- No, I like black men.
476
00:20:31,377 --> 00:20:33,377
I mean, blacks are fine.
477
00:20:34,470 --> 00:20:36,870
- Oh, now I get it.
478
00:20:36,870 --> 00:20:38,191
You're a size queen.
479
00:20:38,191 --> 00:20:39,830
- A guy can't help what he's attracted to.
480
00:20:39,830 --> 00:20:41,569
If we could we'd all be straight, right?
481
00:20:41,569 --> 00:20:43,409
- And for you it's big dicks, huh?
482
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,009
- Look, I'm not proud of it,
483
00:20:45,009 --> 00:20:46,913
but I know what I like and I'm just
484
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:50,080
not going to be satisfied by you know?
485
00:20:51,608 --> 00:20:52,608
- By, by, what?
486
00:20:52,608 --> 00:20:53,873
An Asian?
487
00:20:53,873 --> 00:20:55,649
Cause we all have small dicks?
488
00:20:55,649 --> 00:20:58,846
We're probably all bottoms too, right?
489
00:20:58,846 --> 00:21:01,596
- Look, I'm sorry I offended you.
490
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:04,550
I better go.
491
00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:06,710
- Yeah, maybe you should.
492
00:21:06,710 --> 00:21:10,377
Before you go, I want
to show you something.
493
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:15,132
- Omigodzilla.
494
00:21:15,132 --> 00:21:16,351
Where'd you get that?
495
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,596
- Walmart was selling cock by the inch
496
00:21:17,596 --> 00:21:19,212
so I decided to stock up.
497
00:21:19,212 --> 00:21:21,879
What kind of a question is that?
498
00:21:26,531 --> 00:21:28,693
Ah, you want this huh?
499
00:21:28,693 --> 00:21:31,137
How bad do you want it?
500
00:21:31,137 --> 00:21:32,156
- What?
501
00:21:32,156 --> 00:21:33,596
- You heard me?
502
00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:34,809
How bad?
503
00:21:34,809 --> 00:21:36,753
Enough to beg for it?
504
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:37,586
- Beg?
505
00:21:38,513 --> 00:21:40,233
You mean like on my knees?
506
00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:41,650
- Sure, why not?
507
00:21:44,673 --> 00:21:47,756
- Please sir, may I touch your cock?
508
00:21:49,116 --> 00:21:50,953
- A racist piece of shit like you,
509
00:21:50,953 --> 00:21:52,033
I don't think so.
510
00:21:52,033 --> 00:21:53,356
You're too small for me.
511
00:21:53,356 --> 00:21:54,888
- You haven't even seen it yet, though.
512
00:21:54,888 --> 00:21:55,721
No wait.
513
00:21:56,876 --> 00:22:00,793
- That's not the part
of you that's too small.
514
00:22:05,381 --> 00:22:06,631
- Fair enough.
515
00:22:20,304 --> 00:22:21,642
- Why are you still here?
516
00:22:21,642 --> 00:22:22,892
- I don't know.
517
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:25,504
It's really weird
518
00:22:25,504 --> 00:22:27,845
it just felt wrong to leave.
519
00:22:27,845 --> 00:22:29,045
- Trust me it's not wrong.
520
00:22:29,045 --> 00:22:31,628
Now go be weird somewhere else.
521
00:22:32,565 --> 00:22:33,819
- Wait.
522
00:22:33,819 --> 00:22:35,363
- Why?
523
00:22:35,363 --> 00:22:36,362
- I know I kept apologizing,
524
00:22:36,362 --> 00:22:39,283
but I don't think you understand.
525
00:22:39,283 --> 00:22:41,242
I'm truly sorry.
526
00:22:41,242 --> 00:22:42,245
And not just because I'm missing out
527
00:22:42,245 --> 00:22:44,245
on an epically big dick.
528
00:22:45,205 --> 00:22:47,539
- Okay, apology accepted.
529
00:22:47,539 --> 00:22:48,544
- Wait.
530
00:22:48,544 --> 00:22:51,082
Couldn't we, I don't know, start over?
531
00:22:51,082 --> 00:22:52,762
Go out to dinner, or something?
532
00:22:52,762 --> 00:22:54,965
- You mean, like on a date?
533
00:22:54,965 --> 00:22:57,296
- Yeah, a date, a normal date.
534
00:22:57,296 --> 00:22:58,284
Tonight?
535
00:22:58,284 --> 00:23:00,005
- Like I was real person and just
536
00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:03,080
a life support system for a penis?
537
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,080
- Yeah, just like that.
538
00:23:05,921 --> 00:23:06,920
- You're not embarrassed to be seen
539
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,101
in public with an Asian guy?
540
00:23:09,101 --> 00:23:10,643
Ooh, what will your friends think?
541
00:23:10,643 --> 00:23:11,643
- Fuck 'em.
542
00:23:13,529 --> 00:23:15,446
- No thanks, but maybe.
543
00:23:16,309 --> 00:23:20,389
Maybe if you take me somewhere very nice
544
00:23:20,389 --> 00:23:24,533
and manage to keep at least
one foot out your mouth,
545
00:23:24,533 --> 00:23:25,700
I'll fuck you.
546
00:23:33,186 --> 00:23:35,312
- I'll pick you up at eight.
547
00:23:35,312 --> 00:23:36,145
- 7:30.
548
00:23:54,053 --> 00:23:56,416
- I don't understand why I'm doing this.
549
00:23:56,416 --> 00:23:57,994
- Because you're objective.
550
00:23:57,994 --> 00:24:01,244
You won't be swayed by physical beauty.
551
00:24:02,234 --> 00:24:04,133
Clearly my judgment can't be trusted.
552
00:24:04,133 --> 00:24:05,557
- It was one bad date.
553
00:24:05,557 --> 00:24:06,954
And it wasn't your fault.
554
00:24:06,954 --> 00:24:08,273
- No, no, no no no,
555
00:24:08,273 --> 00:24:10,213
it was one disastrous date,
556
00:24:10,213 --> 00:24:13,653
after a half dozen merely bad dates.
557
00:24:13,653 --> 00:24:15,194
- You're exaggerating.
558
00:24:15,194 --> 00:24:16,209
- No, I'm not.
559
00:24:16,209 --> 00:24:17,376
Look you can't quite possibly be
560
00:24:17,376 --> 00:24:19,751
as bad at this as I am.
561
00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:23,084
Okay, can you just please pick somebody.
562
00:24:26,437 --> 00:24:27,594
- Hey, Nat.
563
00:24:27,594 --> 00:24:30,011
Come in here a sec, would ya?
564
00:24:33,296 --> 00:24:34,310
- What's up?
565
00:24:34,310 --> 00:24:35,616
- We're helping Eli find a boyfriend.
566
00:24:35,616 --> 00:24:36,613
- You know what, it's fine.
567
00:24:36,613 --> 00:24:38,016
- No no no no.
568
00:24:38,016 --> 00:24:39,514
Natalie's got a great eye for this.
569
00:24:39,514 --> 00:24:41,616
She picked me, didn't she?
570
00:24:41,616 --> 00:24:42,618
- All that proves is I'm into
571
00:24:42,618 --> 00:24:44,117
skinny white boys, honey.
572
00:24:44,117 --> 00:24:46,357
- I'm not skinny, I just
have a high metabolism,
573
00:24:46,357 --> 00:24:47,354
it's genetic.
574
00:24:47,354 --> 00:24:48,458
- Baby.
575
00:24:48,458 --> 00:24:49,575
- Children, children.
576
00:24:49,575 --> 00:24:50,408
Hello.
577
00:24:50,408 --> 00:24:51,241
Hi, hi!
578
00:24:52,773 --> 00:24:54,144
Could we find an attractive
579
00:24:54,144 --> 00:24:56,311
non-psycho for me to date?
580
00:24:57,348 --> 00:24:59,450
- Ooh, what about this guy?
581
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:02,309
He's young, clean-cut professional.
582
00:25:02,309 --> 00:25:06,010
It says he is not looking for a hook-up.
583
00:25:06,010 --> 00:25:07,260
- Are you high?
584
00:25:08,613 --> 00:25:10,330
He's totally out of my league.
585
00:25:10,330 --> 00:25:11,631
- That's ridiculous.
586
00:25:11,631 --> 00:25:13,189
You're adorable, man.
587
00:25:13,189 --> 00:25:14,928
- Says the straightest guy on earth.
588
00:25:14,928 --> 00:25:16,326
- Ryan's right, if you were straight
589
00:25:16,326 --> 00:25:17,871
I'd totally be all over you.
590
00:25:17,871 --> 00:25:18,988
- Excuse me?
591
00:25:18,988 --> 00:25:21,071
- If I were single, baby.
592
00:25:22,030 --> 00:25:23,333
The point is you're good-looking,
593
00:25:23,333 --> 00:25:25,250
you're young, employed.
594
00:25:26,469 --> 00:25:29,119
You have a lot to offer.
595
00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:30,452
- I don't know.
596
00:25:31,370 --> 00:25:34,287
- Oh come on, this guy looks great.
597
00:25:35,904 --> 00:25:37,589
- I guess he can't kill me and eat me.
598
00:25:37,589 --> 00:25:39,269
- There was that one guy in Ger-
599
00:25:39,269 --> 00:25:41,019
- Not helping honey.
600
00:25:49,189 --> 00:25:50,631
- Do you mind?
601
00:25:50,631 --> 00:25:51,464
- Oh.
602
00:25:58,271 --> 00:26:00,104
- Casual, real casual.
603
00:26:23,249 --> 00:26:25,069
- You must be Rachel.
604
00:26:25,069 --> 00:26:26,533
- Oh, I must be.
605
00:26:26,533 --> 00:26:27,366
Hi.
606
00:26:28,647 --> 00:26:30,471
- Hi Rachel, I'm Leo.
607
00:26:30,471 --> 00:26:32,309
Nice to meet you.
608
00:26:32,309 --> 00:26:33,311
Can I sit?
609
00:26:33,311 --> 00:26:34,978
- Sure, have a seat.
610
00:26:37,831 --> 00:26:38,998
- How are you?
611
00:26:40,391 --> 00:26:41,405
- I'm good.
612
00:26:41,405 --> 00:26:42,695
Omigosh.
613
00:26:42,695 --> 00:26:44,945
Sorry I'm a little nervous.
614
00:26:45,794 --> 00:26:47,975
I mean, I saw your picture
615
00:26:47,975 --> 00:26:51,475
but you're very handsome in a bearded way.
616
00:26:54,889 --> 00:26:55,895
- Thank you.
617
00:26:55,895 --> 00:26:58,071
Thanks, thanks on my beard.
618
00:26:58,071 --> 00:26:59,474
Alright, can we be honest are you,
619
00:26:59,474 --> 00:27:02,974
are you nervous because of something else?
620
00:27:03,829 --> 00:27:06,329
- Um, well I've never dated a
621
00:27:07,572 --> 00:27:09,294
- Short guy?
622
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:11,134
- No, I'm tall.
623
00:27:11,134 --> 00:27:14,134
So that would be self-defeating but.
624
00:27:15,396 --> 00:27:16,613
- Right, I'm sorry I'm joking,
625
00:27:16,613 --> 00:27:18,937
I'm nervous too and you know this
626
00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:21,937
is my first time on a date as a man.
627
00:27:25,236 --> 00:27:28,819
- Okay, yeah, because
before you identified
628
00:27:30,414 --> 00:27:32,078
as like a lesbian?
629
00:27:32,078 --> 00:27:33,076
- A lesbian?
630
00:27:33,076 --> 00:27:35,850
No, I didn't really identify as a lesbian.
631
00:27:35,850 --> 00:27:37,576
I mean that would be like a woman
632
00:27:37,576 --> 00:27:41,284
loving a woman and I
really didn't identify
633
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:43,102
as a woman, I mean, I always kinda
634
00:27:43,102 --> 00:27:44,769
felt like a man, so.
635
00:27:46,702 --> 00:27:49,661
No, you know I would say I was a person
636
00:27:49,661 --> 00:27:52,020
with a vagina loving another person
637
00:27:52,020 --> 00:27:53,801
with a vagina, so.
638
00:27:53,801 --> 00:27:55,884
- Okay, I get that, yeah.
639
00:27:57,479 --> 00:28:00,396
So, let me just lay this out there.
640
00:28:01,561 --> 00:28:03,397
I find you really attractive.
641
00:28:03,397 --> 00:28:05,564
Actually unnervingly sexy.
642
00:28:07,098 --> 00:28:07,931
But
643
00:28:08,996 --> 00:28:10,420
- You like dick.
644
00:28:10,420 --> 00:28:12,818
And I don't have one.
645
00:28:12,818 --> 00:28:14,485
- Yeah, I mean, wow,
646
00:28:15,422 --> 00:28:17,300
you don't beat around the bush.
647
00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,860
- I do have one of those.
648
00:28:19,860 --> 00:28:21,957
- Oh, I get it.
649
00:28:21,957 --> 00:28:23,019
- I'm sorry.
650
00:28:23,019 --> 00:28:24,269
- That's okay.
651
00:28:25,193 --> 00:28:27,401
- You want to know,
what, if we pursue this,
652
00:28:27,401 --> 00:28:29,519
like how it would all work?
653
00:28:29,519 --> 00:28:33,102
- Yeah, is that too aggressive or forward?
654
00:28:34,740 --> 00:28:36,740
- No, let's be forward.
655
00:28:37,779 --> 00:28:40,695
How about, okay, do you like oral sex?
656
00:28:40,695 --> 00:28:42,362
- Yeah, yeah, I do.
657
00:28:44,217 --> 00:28:45,870
- I'm really good at oral sex
658
00:28:45,870 --> 00:28:49,203
and I've been told I have magic fingers.
659
00:28:50,180 --> 00:28:51,182
- That's good.
660
00:28:51,182 --> 00:28:53,358
Actually, I'm not so concerned
661
00:28:53,358 --> 00:28:55,358
about you satisfying me.
662
00:28:56,756 --> 00:28:59,256
I'm just more concerned about.
663
00:29:00,260 --> 00:29:02,436
Well, I love my vagina well enough,
664
00:29:02,436 --> 00:29:05,686
but I don't know if I could be up close
665
00:29:06,752 --> 00:29:08,958
and personal with someone else's.
666
00:29:08,958 --> 00:29:10,772
- Okay, all right, well let me put
667
00:29:10,772 --> 00:29:12,355
it to you this way.
668
00:29:15,038 --> 00:29:17,311
The very first time that you saw a penis.
669
00:29:17,311 --> 00:29:19,342
Did you think it was beautiful?
670
00:29:19,342 --> 00:29:20,537
- Beautiful?
671
00:29:20,537 --> 00:29:21,861
Ah, no.
672
00:29:21,861 --> 00:29:23,028
- OK, and now?
673
00:29:24,053 --> 00:29:26,980
- Okay, I see where
you're going with this.
674
00:29:26,980 --> 00:29:30,730
Yeah, maybe I could grow
to love your vagine.
675
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:34,438
- My vagine.
676
00:29:35,460 --> 00:29:38,260
I mean, I don't exactly love my vagine
677
00:29:38,260 --> 00:29:40,958
but I would hope that we if we were
678
00:29:40,958 --> 00:29:43,356
to become involved and.
679
00:29:43,356 --> 00:29:46,439
I don't know, if we loved each other,
680
00:29:47,816 --> 00:29:50,692
then maybe, I don't know,
maybe you would love
681
00:29:50,692 --> 00:29:52,359
that part of me too.
682
00:29:53,918 --> 00:29:57,335
- Yeah, that's a good way to think of it.
683
00:29:58,916 --> 00:29:59,918
- But really, we're putting the cart
684
00:29:59,918 --> 00:30:01,140
before the horse.
685
00:30:01,140 --> 00:30:02,857
I mean, neither of us are jumping
686
00:30:02,857 --> 00:30:04,900
into the sack tonight.
687
00:30:04,900 --> 00:30:07,437
You know, I figure if I'm gonna get
688
00:30:07,437 --> 00:30:08,878
naked with someone then it's gonna
689
00:30:08,878 --> 00:30:11,460
be somebody that I'm
in a relationship with
690
00:30:11,460 --> 00:30:13,257
and maybe that I see something with and
691
00:30:13,257 --> 00:30:16,164
I figure that when it comes to
692
00:30:16,164 --> 00:30:18,741
the sex stuff it will work itself out.
693
00:30:18,741 --> 00:30:22,220
- So, has that been your experience?
694
00:30:22,220 --> 00:30:24,745
- My experience has been kind of limited.
695
00:30:24,745 --> 00:30:25,742
I mean this is really kind
696
00:30:25,742 --> 00:30:27,385
of new territory for me.
697
00:30:27,385 --> 00:30:28,635
- Okay, got it.
698
00:30:30,761 --> 00:30:33,545
But you transitioned two years ago
699
00:30:33,545 --> 00:30:35,962
so you must be kind of picky.
700
00:30:36,985 --> 00:30:38,485
- Not excessively.
701
00:30:39,865 --> 00:30:41,284
I would say, you know, it's not
702
00:30:41,284 --> 00:30:43,241
all rainbows and unicorns
703
00:30:43,241 --> 00:30:45,741
for trans people all the time.
704
00:30:46,778 --> 00:30:47,881
Once you weed out the people who
705
00:30:47,881 --> 00:30:51,822
sort of fetishize trans
men or trans people
706
00:30:51,822 --> 00:30:55,102
and you weed out the women who want men
707
00:30:55,102 --> 00:30:59,044
with penises, and then weed out gay guys
708
00:30:59,044 --> 00:31:01,044
who want men with dicks,
709
00:31:02,105 --> 00:31:03,108
there's not even a check box
710
00:31:03,108 --> 00:31:05,221
for me on match.com after that.
711
00:31:05,221 --> 00:31:07,018
- I don't know, I don't know either.
712
00:31:07,018 --> 00:31:08,561
- Did I, did I just freak you out?
713
00:31:08,561 --> 00:31:09,558
I'm sorry.
714
00:31:09,558 --> 00:31:10,561
- No.
715
00:31:10,561 --> 00:31:13,760
No, actually you're all good.
716
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:17,427
I think you're charming
and rather adorable.
717
00:31:20,497 --> 00:31:22,975
- Well, you are going to give
718
00:31:22,975 --> 00:31:24,475
me a swelled head.
719
00:31:31,773 --> 00:31:32,606
- Right.
720
00:31:34,573 --> 00:31:37,073
So there's just one more thing
721
00:31:38,389 --> 00:31:40,973
we should get out of the way.
722
00:31:40,973 --> 00:31:41,986
- Okay.
723
00:31:41,986 --> 00:31:43,319
What do you got?
724
00:31:44,551 --> 00:31:45,554
- Well.
725
00:31:45,554 --> 00:31:46,471
- Bring it.
726
00:31:49,063 --> 00:31:51,506
- Okay, well, I'm also a trans.
727
00:31:51,506 --> 00:31:52,946
- Wait, what, what?
728
00:31:52,946 --> 00:31:53,779
Excuse me.
729
00:31:54,967 --> 00:31:55,965
- I'm trans too.
730
00:31:55,965 --> 00:31:56,967
- You lied.
731
00:31:56,967 --> 00:31:57,965
- No, I didn't lie!
732
00:31:57,965 --> 00:31:59,506
I just,
733
00:31:59,506 --> 00:32:03,245
I just didn't get to
it yet, I just omitted.
734
00:32:03,245 --> 00:32:04,912
- Why would you omit
735
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:09,405
the most important thing about yourself?
736
00:32:09,405 --> 00:32:11,927
- Well, it's not the most
important thing about me.
737
00:32:11,927 --> 00:32:13,594
It's not even close.
738
00:32:14,706 --> 00:32:15,779
And I didn't want this connection
739
00:32:15,779 --> 00:32:18,529
or whatever to be all about that.
740
00:32:20,365 --> 00:32:21,447
- What is wrong with being attracted to
741
00:32:21,447 --> 00:32:22,883
and relating to somebody that you
742
00:32:22,883 --> 00:32:26,464
have a profound shared
life experience with?
743
00:32:26,464 --> 00:32:27,463
- Nothing.
744
00:32:27,463 --> 00:32:28,296
Nothing's wrong with that.
745
00:32:28,296 --> 00:32:31,005
I mean, I'm, I'm a part
of the trans community.
746
00:32:31,005 --> 00:32:32,146
I'm proud of that,
747
00:32:32,146 --> 00:32:33,949
I just, god, I don't want my whole
748
00:32:33,949 --> 00:32:36,509
life to be about that.
749
00:32:36,509 --> 00:32:37,965
Can't I just be a person?
750
00:32:37,965 --> 00:32:41,024
Maybe not, maybe not a normal person,
751
00:32:41,024 --> 00:32:44,120
whatever that means, but just a person?
752
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:45,106
- It's misleading,
753
00:32:45,106 --> 00:32:48,185
it was under false pretense
754
00:32:48,185 --> 00:32:51,548
that you didn't share
this information with me.
755
00:32:51,548 --> 00:32:54,429
I'm not a cis-gender man
who is gonna beat you,
756
00:32:54,429 --> 00:32:56,727
rape you or murder you if you share
757
00:32:56,727 --> 00:32:58,360
this information with me.
758
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,360
You should have told me.
759
00:33:03,687 --> 00:33:05,687
I think I'm going to go.
760
00:33:07,666 --> 00:33:08,499
- Really?
761
00:33:09,965 --> 00:33:10,967
Leo.
762
00:33:10,967 --> 00:33:11,800
Hey.
763
00:33:13,546 --> 00:33:14,967
I'm sorry.
764
00:33:14,967 --> 00:33:16,269
I didn't mean to deceive you.
765
00:33:16,269 --> 00:33:17,186
I just, uh.
766
00:33:18,807 --> 00:33:20,124
Oh god.
767
00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:20,957
Look.
768
00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:24,909
I just wanted to get to
know you woman to man,
769
00:33:24,909 --> 00:33:26,492
not trans to trans.
770
00:33:29,709 --> 00:33:30,706
You know what I mean,
771
00:33:30,706 --> 00:33:31,709
just a real connection
772
00:33:31,709 --> 00:33:33,959
without that obvious thing.
773
00:33:37,545 --> 00:33:38,605
It didn't work anyway.
774
00:33:38,605 --> 00:33:43,309
We spent our whole time
talking about trans issues,
775
00:33:43,309 --> 00:33:44,306
and I really wanted to know how
776
00:33:44,306 --> 00:33:46,806
you felt about the Carpenters.
777
00:33:48,311 --> 00:33:51,330
- People who work with wood?
778
00:33:51,330 --> 00:33:54,747
- No, like Karen and Richard Carpenter?
779
00:33:55,949 --> 00:33:57,851
- Seriously, the Carpenters?
780
00:33:57,851 --> 00:34:00,653
- Yeah, I'm kind of obsessed.
781
00:34:00,653 --> 00:34:02,189
I mean a voice like that comes along,
782
00:34:02,189 --> 00:34:04,690
what, once in a generation.
783
00:34:04,690 --> 00:34:06,173
- You're weird.
784
00:34:06,173 --> 00:34:08,340
But I can deal with weird.
785
00:34:11,450 --> 00:34:16,071
I just, I don't think I
can deal with the lies.
786
00:34:16,071 --> 00:34:17,069
- Well, I mean I told you as soon
787
00:34:17,069 --> 00:34:19,152
as I felt something real.
788
00:34:23,330 --> 00:34:25,247
And I'm sorry I waited.
789
00:34:26,528 --> 00:34:27,529
- How do I know that there's
790
00:34:27,529 --> 00:34:30,362
not something else you've omitted?
791
00:34:31,544 --> 00:34:32,749
- You don't.
792
00:34:32,749 --> 00:34:34,416
Actually, you can't.
793
00:34:35,647 --> 00:34:40,109
Not until we get to know
each other a lot better.
794
00:34:40,109 --> 00:34:43,325
- You still want to do that?
795
00:34:43,325 --> 00:34:44,492
- Yeah, I do.
796
00:34:45,927 --> 00:34:46,927
- Very much.
797
00:35:00,967 --> 00:35:03,149
- God, my head is killing me.
798
00:35:03,149 --> 00:35:06,622
Why is the sun so fucking bright?
799
00:35:06,622 --> 00:35:11,069
- Ah, because it's morning,
in Los Angeles, in August.
800
00:35:11,069 --> 00:35:12,845
- Why are you still here?
801
00:35:12,845 --> 00:35:14,305
- Where else would I be?
802
00:35:14,305 --> 00:35:15,309
- How should I know?
803
00:35:15,309 --> 00:35:17,645
Where ever you people go.
804
00:35:17,645 --> 00:35:18,845
- You people?
805
00:35:18,845 --> 00:35:20,786
- The dearly departed, the dead.
806
00:35:20,786 --> 00:35:22,765
- I prefer corporeally challenged.
807
00:35:22,765 --> 00:35:23,746
- So political correctness extends
808
00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:24,930
into the afterlife.
809
00:35:24,930 --> 00:35:26,063
Great.
810
00:35:26,063 --> 00:35:27,149
- Hey, don't blame me.
811
00:35:27,149 --> 00:35:29,316
I only exist in your head.
812
00:35:30,386 --> 00:35:32,647
- Yeah, about that.
813
00:35:32,647 --> 00:35:34,407
Why do you look so damn good?
814
00:35:34,407 --> 00:35:35,421
We both know you weren't this hot
815
00:35:35,421 --> 00:35:37,649
or this tall in life so why I am
816
00:35:37,649 --> 00:35:41,482
I torturing myself by
making you look perfect?
817
00:35:50,727 --> 00:35:52,347
Hey.
818
00:35:52,347 --> 00:35:53,346
- Who were you talking to?
819
00:35:53,346 --> 00:35:54,179
- Nobody.
820
00:35:55,474 --> 00:35:56,471
- Oh.
821
00:35:56,471 --> 00:35:57,490
Omigod.
822
00:35:57,490 --> 00:35:58,487
You've got to tell me about last night.
823
00:35:58,487 --> 00:35:59,490
I can't believe you haven't called me.
824
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:02,290
- He was otherwise occupied, slut.
825
00:36:02,290 --> 00:36:03,410
- Jesus, you're chipper this morning.
826
00:36:03,410 --> 00:36:04,985
Do you have any idea how annoying that is?
827
00:36:04,985 --> 00:36:06,946
- I'm a morning person, you know that.
828
00:36:06,946 --> 00:36:09,687
- It's one of your more
irritating qualities.
829
00:36:09,687 --> 00:36:11,789
- Blah, blah, love you too.
830
00:36:11,789 --> 00:36:13,289
Drink your coffee.
831
00:36:16,850 --> 00:36:18,850
- Aww, perfection.
832
00:36:18,850 --> 00:36:20,147
How do you always remember how I like it?
833
00:36:20,147 --> 00:36:21,348
- After 20 years of being best friends,
834
00:36:21,348 --> 00:36:24,407
how do you never remember how I like mine?
835
00:36:24,407 --> 00:36:27,807
- Rampant narcissism and
poor short-term memory.
836
00:36:27,807 --> 00:36:30,557
- Oh, so true, so true about you.
837
00:36:31,607 --> 00:36:32,610
Stop changing the subject,
838
00:36:32,610 --> 00:36:35,869
I want to hear about this historic date.
839
00:36:35,869 --> 00:36:36,871
- It wasn't historic.
840
00:36:36,871 --> 00:36:38,289
It was just a normal date.
841
00:36:38,289 --> 00:36:40,311
- Excuse me, hi, best friend over here.
842
00:36:40,311 --> 00:36:41,309
All right?
843
00:36:41,309 --> 00:36:42,311
Hi.
844
00:36:42,311 --> 00:36:43,309
Oh, good morning.
845
00:36:43,309 --> 00:36:44,327
Yeah no bullshit zone, all right?
846
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,167
This is your first date since Mitch died.
847
00:36:46,167 --> 00:36:47,908
And you got laid, right?
848
00:36:47,908 --> 00:36:49,241
That's historic.
849
00:36:50,167 --> 00:36:51,469
How was it?
850
00:36:51,469 --> 00:36:52,471
- The date?
851
00:36:52,471 --> 00:36:53,474
- It.
852
00:36:53,474 --> 00:36:54,477
How was it?
853
00:36:54,477 --> 00:36:55,474
- He was an animal.
854
00:36:55,474 --> 00:36:56,487
And not the good kind.
855
00:36:56,487 --> 00:36:57,490
- Fine.
856
00:36:57,490 --> 00:36:58,487
I mean, if sex isn't fun,
857
00:36:58,487 --> 00:37:00,151
you're just not doing it right.
858
00:37:00,151 --> 00:37:01,149
- So, he didn't ask you to do
859
00:37:01,149 --> 00:37:03,527
like nasty perverted stuff?
860
00:37:03,527 --> 00:37:04,530
- According to most of the world,
861
00:37:04,530 --> 00:37:05,527
anything two men do together
862
00:37:05,527 --> 00:37:07,467
is nasty and perverted, so.
863
00:37:07,467 --> 00:37:08,470
- Personally, I think it's perverted
864
00:37:08,470 --> 00:37:10,610
to only do it missionary
position in the dark,
865
00:37:10,610 --> 00:37:12,887
but what do I know?
866
00:37:12,887 --> 00:37:13,890
But, how was it?
867
00:37:13,890 --> 00:37:15,587
Answer the question.
868
00:37:15,587 --> 00:37:16,587
- We were completely safe,
869
00:37:16,587 --> 00:37:17,923
if that's what you were worried about.
870
00:37:17,923 --> 00:37:18,930
- Who's worried?
871
00:37:18,930 --> 00:37:22,087
No. I just want to make sure you had fun.
872
00:37:22,087 --> 00:37:22,920
- I guess.
873
00:37:24,130 --> 00:37:25,127
- Oh, enthusiasm.
874
00:37:25,127 --> 00:37:27,890
- Like I said, it was, it was fun.
875
00:37:27,890 --> 00:37:29,090
- But.
876
00:37:29,090 --> 00:37:30,391
- But.
877
00:37:30,391 --> 00:37:31,641
- But, so what.
878
00:37:33,511 --> 00:37:34,567
So is masturbation.
879
00:37:34,567 --> 00:37:36,327
So is an ice cream sundae.
880
00:37:36,327 --> 00:37:39,577
When it's all over, what does it mean?
881
00:37:41,224 --> 00:37:42,227
- Too many ice cream sundaes
882
00:37:42,227 --> 00:37:44,551
and you won't fit into your skinny jeans.
883
00:37:44,551 --> 00:37:47,167
- Anthony, this is serious
psychological stuff.
884
00:37:47,167 --> 00:37:48,391
You're making fat jokes.
885
00:37:48,391 --> 00:37:49,389
- I used to be fat,
886
00:37:49,389 --> 00:37:50,983
I can make fat jokes.
887
00:37:50,983 --> 00:37:52,983
Maybe, you just had fun.
888
00:37:54,087 --> 00:37:55,927
Does it have to mean something?
889
00:37:55,927 --> 00:37:57,351
- I don't know.
890
00:37:57,351 --> 00:37:59,330
Maybe I expect too much.
891
00:37:59,330 --> 00:38:01,207
Sex is a great recreational sport,
892
00:38:01,207 --> 00:38:04,707
but making love, making love is different.
893
00:38:08,906 --> 00:38:09,911
- I'm getting a feeling that
894
00:38:09,911 --> 00:38:12,790
this date didn't go so well.
895
00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:13,789
- That's why I love you Anthony,
896
00:38:13,789 --> 00:38:16,087
you're so perceptive.
897
00:38:16,087 --> 00:38:17,511
- Last night was a test.
898
00:38:17,511 --> 00:38:19,389
I wanted to see if I could do it.
899
00:38:19,389 --> 00:38:21,426
If after all those years
of making love with Mitch,
900
00:38:21,426 --> 00:38:24,265
I could go back to just fucking.
901
00:38:24,265 --> 00:38:25,098
- And?
902
00:38:26,927 --> 00:38:28,253
- I mean, all the plumbing works.
903
00:38:28,253 --> 00:38:30,336
But I just don't want to.
904
00:38:31,954 --> 00:38:33,751
Sure, there are a lot of
beautiful men out there,
905
00:38:33,751 --> 00:38:36,871
but, I need a guy with
more between his ears
906
00:38:36,871 --> 00:38:38,151
and a beautiful head of hair.
907
00:38:38,151 --> 00:38:39,889
I don't care if he has no hair.
908
00:38:39,889 --> 00:38:43,351
No muscles, no as, well he needs an ass.
909
00:38:43,351 --> 00:38:44,973
But just so long as there's a person
910
00:38:44,973 --> 00:38:47,053
I can find a kinship with you know.
911
00:38:47,053 --> 00:38:48,594
And last night with Greg,
912
00:38:48,594 --> 00:38:51,394
not only were we not
on the same wavelength,
913
00:38:51,394 --> 00:38:52,994
I kept thinking we were transmitting
914
00:38:52,994 --> 00:38:55,161
in in different languages.
915
00:38:56,135 --> 00:38:58,432
- Yeah, you were barely the same species.
916
00:38:58,432 --> 00:38:59,854
- God, that sounds awful.
917
00:38:59,854 --> 00:39:02,434
- It wasn't, it was a typical date.
918
00:39:02,434 --> 00:39:03,437
No worse than dozens of other
919
00:39:03,437 --> 00:39:05,298
ones that I've been on.
920
00:39:05,298 --> 00:39:06,914
Well, okay, maybe a little.
921
00:39:06,914 --> 00:39:08,978
But that's just cause
I was out of practice.
922
00:39:08,978 --> 00:39:10,242
The main difference,
923
00:39:10,242 --> 00:39:12,482
was it the big payoff at the end, the sex?
924
00:39:12,482 --> 00:39:14,482
It just wasn't worth it.
925
00:39:15,442 --> 00:39:17,559
- So, what does this mean, Jeff,
926
00:39:17,559 --> 00:39:20,301
that you're on this course to monkdom?
927
00:39:20,301 --> 00:39:21,298
Because I don't think that's
928
00:39:21,298 --> 00:39:23,938
what Mitch would want for you.
929
00:39:23,938 --> 00:39:25,639
- Eternally pining away for me,
930
00:39:25,639 --> 00:39:27,934
has a certain appeal.
931
00:39:27,934 --> 00:39:28,767
- No!
932
00:39:29,602 --> 00:39:32,722
I'm just going to be selective.
933
00:39:32,722 --> 00:39:34,839
I'm gonna hold out for someone special.
934
00:39:34,839 --> 00:39:37,138
- And you don't care what he looks like?
935
00:39:37,138 --> 00:39:38,656
As long as he has the inner
936
00:39:38,656 --> 00:39:40,722
qualities that you admire?
937
00:39:40,722 --> 00:39:41,719
- Well, I'm not gonna hook up with
938
00:39:41,719 --> 00:39:44,365
the elephant man, but within reason, yes.
939
00:39:44,365 --> 00:39:46,363
I think someone can become sexy if,
940
00:39:46,363 --> 00:39:49,085
if you know, their
personality is attractive.
941
00:39:49,085 --> 00:39:52,125
- Okay, so you're saying
that if somebody came
942
00:39:52,125 --> 00:39:53,485
in the door right now,
943
00:39:53,485 --> 00:39:55,661
that had everything you were looking for
944
00:39:55,661 --> 00:39:58,845
but you didn't find him
that physically attractive
945
00:39:58,845 --> 00:40:00,861
you could still have a relationship,
946
00:40:00,861 --> 00:40:03,444
a sexual relationship with him.
947
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:05,235
- Yes.
948
00:40:10,263 --> 00:40:14,263
- Well, what if that
person was here right now?
949
00:40:23,519 --> 00:40:24,546
- You mean you?
950
00:40:24,546 --> 00:40:26,546
- Yes, I mean me, idiot.
951
00:40:27,584 --> 00:40:29,085
- But you're his best friend.
952
00:40:29,085 --> 00:40:30,201
- But you're my best friend.
953
00:40:30,201 --> 00:40:31,682
- Yeah, exactly.
954
00:40:31,682 --> 00:40:32,690
- We're like brothers.
955
00:40:32,690 --> 00:40:33,666
It would be weird.
956
00:40:33,666 --> 00:40:34,680
- Well hey, haven't you heard?
957
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:35,679
Incest is the new hot.
958
00:40:35,679 --> 00:40:36,680
- Ew.
959
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,663
- Okay, I don't know why I said that.
960
00:40:38,663 --> 00:40:39,721
- Okay, well maybe if they're,
961
00:40:39,721 --> 00:40:41,164
you know, muscular Czech boys with big.
962
00:40:41,164 --> 00:40:42,162
- Okay, you know what?
963
00:40:42,162 --> 00:40:43,165
If you're gonna lump me in with
964
00:40:43,165 --> 00:40:45,061
the elephant man, I'm out.
965
00:40:45,061 --> 00:40:46,066
- Of course not,
966
00:40:46,066 --> 00:40:47,522
it's not, it's just that.
967
00:40:47,522 --> 00:40:49,759
- You find me physically repulsive.
968
00:40:49,759 --> 00:40:50,882
- No, you're very attractive.
969
00:40:50,882 --> 00:40:52,546
You're the most wonderful person.
970
00:40:52,546 --> 00:40:54,082
- Hey!
971
00:40:54,082 --> 00:40:55,106
- One of the most wonderful
972
00:40:55,106 --> 00:40:57,181
people I've ever known.
973
00:40:57,181 --> 00:40:58,761
But.
974
00:40:58,761 --> 00:40:59,762
- I'm not your type.
975
00:40:59,762 --> 00:41:01,084
I get it.
976
00:41:01,084 --> 00:41:02,823
And Mitch was your type,
977
00:41:02,823 --> 00:41:06,490
I don't, I just, he's
not here anymore Jeff.
978
00:41:08,322 --> 00:41:09,989
And here we are and.
979
00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:13,963
- But, you shouldn't settle.
980
00:41:13,963 --> 00:41:15,346
You deserve someone who lusts after you,
981
00:41:15,346 --> 00:41:17,047
someone whose type you totally are.
982
00:41:17,047 --> 00:41:18,525
- But Jeff, it's so much more than that.
983
00:41:18,525 --> 00:41:20,423
It's so much more than just lust, okay,
984
00:41:20,423 --> 00:41:21,774
you know, I mean, when I used to be fat I,
985
00:41:21,774 --> 00:41:23,691
I dated chubby chasers.
986
00:41:24,589 --> 00:41:27,125
And I was their fantasy, you know,
987
00:41:27,125 --> 00:41:29,245
but I wasn't a real person to them.
988
00:41:29,245 --> 00:41:31,527
And I think, I don't know,
989
00:41:31,527 --> 00:41:33,346
I think what you and I have is completely
990
00:41:33,346 --> 00:41:35,096
real with each other.
991
00:41:37,603 --> 00:41:38,727
And I think there's something
992
00:41:38,727 --> 00:41:40,394
to be said for that.
993
00:41:41,548 --> 00:41:42,925
- There's a lot to be said for that.
994
00:41:42,925 --> 00:41:45,675
I mean, you mean the world to me.
995
00:41:46,625 --> 00:41:47,629
And that's why I wouldn't want to fuck
996
00:41:47,629 --> 00:41:49,962
it up by, you know, fucking.
997
00:41:51,869 --> 00:41:53,527
- You said you were looking
for a kindred spirit.
998
00:41:53,527 --> 00:41:55,110
Well, well so am I.
999
00:41:56,225 --> 00:41:59,975
My god, I think we have
that with each other.
1000
00:42:01,149 --> 00:42:02,524
And what, are we going to let fear get
1001
00:42:02,524 --> 00:42:03,746
in the way of something that
1002
00:42:03,746 --> 00:42:05,996
could be totally wonderful?
1003
00:42:08,916 --> 00:42:11,287
- Jesus, I should have saw this coming.
1004
00:42:11,287 --> 00:42:12,120
- Okay, hold on for a minute.
1005
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:15,203
Cause I, I, I, I need to absorb this.
1006
00:42:16,071 --> 00:42:17,730
It's a lot to.
1007
00:42:17,730 --> 00:42:18,733
- Okay, you need a minute.
1008
00:42:18,733 --> 00:42:19,730
- Process.
1009
00:42:19,730 --> 00:42:20,733
- Yeah, yeah.
1010
00:42:20,733 --> 00:42:22,651
- Okay, I need to go pee.
1011
00:42:22,651 --> 00:42:23,650
- Oh good.
1012
00:42:23,650 --> 00:42:24,973
- Isn't that great.
1013
00:42:24,973 --> 00:42:25,970
- Yeah.
1014
00:42:25,970 --> 00:42:26,973
- Super convenient,
1015
00:42:26,973 --> 00:42:28,093
so I'm going to go do that now.
1016
00:42:28,093 --> 00:42:29,090
- Have a good time.
1017
00:42:29,090 --> 00:42:31,090
- I'm gonna go do that.
1018
00:42:35,773 --> 00:42:37,549
- No, don't look at me.
1019
00:42:37,549 --> 00:42:38,553
This is your life.
1020
00:42:38,553 --> 00:42:39,933
I have no skin in this game.
1021
00:42:39,933 --> 00:42:41,529
In fact, I have no skin.
1022
00:42:41,529 --> 00:42:42,669
- It's a completely hare-brained,
1023
00:42:42,669 --> 00:42:44,169
preposterous idea.
1024
00:42:46,311 --> 00:42:47,351
- But what if it worked?
1025
00:42:47,351 --> 00:42:48,370
- What?
1026
00:42:48,370 --> 00:42:49,549
You never even liked Anthony.
1027
00:42:49,549 --> 00:42:51,107
- I loved Anthony.
1028
00:42:51,107 --> 00:42:52,105
- You guys would needle each other all
1029
00:42:52,105 --> 00:42:53,970
of the time, you never agreed on anything.
1030
00:42:53,970 --> 00:42:55,553
- We agreed on you!
1031
00:42:57,191 --> 00:42:58,691
We both love you.
1032
00:43:01,431 --> 00:43:03,330
- So, so what are you saying?
1033
00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:04,986
I should say yes?
1034
00:43:04,986 --> 00:43:07,819
- I'm saying the two of you always
1035
00:43:10,226 --> 00:43:12,059
had something special.
1036
00:43:12,985 --> 00:43:15,652
Heck, even I was jealous of it.
1037
00:43:17,582 --> 00:43:18,866
- But what if we screwed
up the friendship,
1038
00:43:18,866 --> 00:43:20,567
I don't think I could handle that.
1039
00:43:20,567 --> 00:43:22,087
- We've been through a lot of things,
1040
00:43:22,087 --> 00:43:24,420
I think we can weather this.
1041
00:43:25,666 --> 00:43:26,674
- I've just never launched
1042
00:43:26,674 --> 00:43:29,424
a relationship so cold-bloodedly.
1043
00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:33,730
- We're contemplating
an affair not a murder.
1044
00:43:33,730 --> 00:43:35,864
- Friends are friends
and lovers are lovers,
1045
00:43:35,864 --> 00:43:38,062
you don't mix up the categories.
1046
00:43:38,062 --> 00:43:39,869
- Remember what you told
me when we first met?
1047
00:43:39,869 --> 00:43:43,527
Back when I was still
pretending to be straight.
1048
00:43:43,527 --> 00:43:46,610
You said, we make our own life rules.
1049
00:43:48,647 --> 00:43:50,730
And the exceptions, too.
1050
00:43:57,037 --> 00:43:58,287
- You're right.
1051
00:43:59,651 --> 00:44:01,401
- So, is that a yes?
1052
00:44:02,571 --> 00:44:04,821
- Yes, it's a, it's a yes.
1053
00:44:07,314 --> 00:44:08,317
- Well, if it's a yes,
1054
00:44:08,317 --> 00:44:12,234
then what are you doing
all the way over there?
1055
00:44:15,735 --> 00:44:18,077
It's okay to still miss him you know.
1056
00:44:18,077 --> 00:44:18,910
- I know.
1057
00:44:20,013 --> 00:44:21,757
But it will be different.
1058
00:44:21,757 --> 00:44:22,754
- Yeah, of course.
1059
00:44:22,754 --> 00:44:23,757
- And that's a good thing.
1060
00:44:23,757 --> 00:44:24,774
- Yeah, it's a really good thing.
1061
00:44:24,774 --> 00:44:26,173
- You know I love you, right?
1062
00:44:26,173 --> 00:44:27,006
- I know.
1063
00:44:28,034 --> 00:44:29,784
Shut up and kiss me.
1064
00:44:50,853 --> 00:44:52,397
- Tell me again why we are up at
1065
00:44:52,397 --> 00:44:54,077
the crack of 10 to have coffee
1066
00:44:54,077 --> 00:44:56,157
with people we don't even know.
1067
00:44:56,157 --> 00:44:57,355
- I know them.
1068
00:44:57,355 --> 00:44:58,354
Well, at least Margaret.
1069
00:44:58,354 --> 00:44:59,837
And David sounds great.
1070
00:44:59,837 --> 00:45:01,357
You're the one always complaining
1071
00:45:01,357 --> 00:45:02,733
that we never meet new people.
1072
00:45:02,733 --> 00:45:03,735
- It was an observation,
1073
00:45:03,735 --> 00:45:05,495
it was not a complaint.
1074
00:45:05,495 --> 00:45:06,931
- You're going to love them.
1075
00:45:06,931 --> 00:45:09,735
You and David have a lot in common.
1076
00:45:09,735 --> 00:45:10,877
- I hate lawyers.
1077
00:45:10,877 --> 00:45:12,210
- We're lawyers.
1078
00:45:13,175 --> 00:45:15,355
- Yeah, well, I can tolerate us.
1079
00:45:15,355 --> 00:45:16,354
I mean, it's those other people
1080
00:45:16,354 --> 00:45:18,493
that I find annoying.
1081
00:45:18,493 --> 00:45:19,494
- That's what I love about you
1082
00:45:19,494 --> 00:45:21,895
your positive attitude.
1083
00:45:21,895 --> 00:45:23,645
- Honey, I'm sorry.
1084
00:45:24,493 --> 00:45:25,326
Okay, look, I just feel like,
1085
00:45:25,326 --> 00:45:26,994
you know, Sunday mornings are the perfect
1086
00:45:26,994 --> 00:45:28,477
time to lie around the house,
1087
00:45:28,477 --> 00:45:30,973
pretending to read the New York Times.
1088
00:45:30,973 --> 00:45:33,093
- I actually do read it.
1089
00:45:33,093 --> 00:45:34,093
- Not today.
1090
00:45:38,237 --> 00:45:39,239
- Look, if you don't like them,
1091
00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:40,994
we won't do this again.
1092
00:45:40,994 --> 00:45:41,827
I just thought it would be a nice change
1093
00:45:41,827 --> 00:45:43,618
to get out of the house.
1094
00:45:43,618 --> 00:45:45,438
- Well, are they chronically late?
1095
00:45:45,438 --> 00:45:47,378
I mean, you know how I
feel about late people.
1096
00:45:47,378 --> 00:45:48,393
- They're not late.
1097
00:45:48,393 --> 00:45:49,560
We were early.
1098
00:45:51,456 --> 00:45:52,498
- Hi.
1099
00:45:52,498 --> 00:45:53,331
- Hi.
1100
00:45:54,637 --> 00:45:55,655
- Hello.
1101
00:45:55,655 --> 00:45:57,037
Nice to meet you.
1102
00:45:57,037 --> 00:45:58,135
- Yeah.
1103
00:45:58,135 --> 00:45:58,968
Same here.
1104
00:46:00,157 --> 00:46:01,458
- I'm so happy we're finally doing this.
1105
00:46:01,458 --> 00:46:02,455
You know, we've been talking about
1106
00:46:02,455 --> 00:46:03,538
getting together for months.
1107
00:46:03,538 --> 00:46:06,621
- I actually have to go
the little girl's room.
1108
00:46:06,621 --> 00:46:07,677
- Oh, I'll come with.
1109
00:46:07,677 --> 00:46:08,674
- What is it women always go
1110
00:46:08,674 --> 00:46:10,757
to the bathroom in packs?
1111
00:46:15,091 --> 00:46:16,655
- What the hell are you doing here?
1112
00:46:16,655 --> 00:46:17,488
- Me?
1113
00:46:18,774 --> 00:46:19,791
How was I supposed to know that
1114
00:46:19,791 --> 00:46:22,557
your wife was my wife's workout buddy?
1115
00:46:22,557 --> 00:46:23,554
- If you're trying to trap me
1116
00:46:23,554 --> 00:46:25,032
into leaving Margaret.
1117
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,535
- Don't be an ass.
1118
00:46:26,535 --> 00:46:29,234
Look, I am perfectly happy
with our arrangement.
1119
00:46:29,234 --> 00:46:30,532
- Arrangement?
1120
00:46:30,532 --> 00:46:31,537
- I don't know.
1121
00:46:31,537 --> 00:46:32,989
What would you call it?
1122
00:46:32,989 --> 00:46:36,572
- Right now I'd call
it fucking terrifying.
1123
00:46:38,434 --> 00:46:39,437
I thought for sure Margaret
1124
00:46:39,437 --> 00:46:42,215
was gonna notice my heart pounding.
1125
00:46:42,215 --> 00:46:44,695
- Oooh, why I am so flattered I can
1126
00:46:44,695 --> 00:46:46,738
still make your heart go pitter-pat.
1127
00:46:46,738 --> 00:46:47,895
- Stop it.
1128
00:46:47,895 --> 00:46:49,657
This isn't funny.
1129
00:46:49,657 --> 00:46:51,815
They're bound to notice something.
1130
00:46:51,815 --> 00:46:54,898
- Not if you will calm the fuck down.
1131
00:46:56,234 --> 00:46:59,417
- I've had nightmares like this.
1132
00:46:59,417 --> 00:47:01,891
Maybe I'm asleep now.
1133
00:47:01,891 --> 00:47:02,724
Ow.
1134
00:47:02,724 --> 00:47:03,557
- Nope.
1135
00:47:04,978 --> 00:47:06,061
You're awake.
1136
00:47:06,994 --> 00:47:07,827
- Asshole.
1137
00:47:09,214 --> 00:47:10,881
How are you so calm?
1138
00:47:12,151 --> 00:47:14,093
You really didn't plan this?
1139
00:47:14,093 --> 00:47:17,351
- Jesus, David, I am not that devious.
1140
00:47:17,351 --> 00:47:18,349
Look, if I wanted more than what we have,
1141
00:47:18,349 --> 00:47:20,770
I would just say so.
1142
00:47:20,770 --> 00:47:21,828
But I know, I'm greedy,
1143
00:47:21,828 --> 00:47:25,170
but I like having a wife and a lover.
1144
00:47:25,170 --> 00:47:26,173
Don't you?
1145
00:47:26,173 --> 00:47:27,090
- Yes, but.
1146
00:47:28,126 --> 00:47:29,693
- But, what?
1147
00:47:29,693 --> 00:47:31,591
- Doesn't the lying ever get to you?
1148
00:47:31,591 --> 00:47:32,606
- You know what, actually,
1149
00:47:32,606 --> 00:47:36,867
having you in my life
makes me a better husband.
1150
00:47:36,867 --> 00:47:37,869
- I had no idea you could
1151
00:47:37,869 --> 00:47:41,053
rationalize with such virtuosity.
1152
00:47:41,053 --> 00:47:42,151
- It's not a rationalization.
1153
00:47:42,151 --> 00:47:43,671
Nah, I'm actually,
1154
00:47:43,671 --> 00:47:45,271
I'm happy because I don't have
1155
00:47:45,271 --> 00:47:47,688
to deny a big part of myself.
1156
00:47:49,111 --> 00:47:50,231
- I just met her, of course,
1157
00:47:50,231 --> 00:47:52,029
but I'm guessing your wife would rather
1158
00:47:52,029 --> 00:47:53,090
you were a little less happy,
1159
00:47:53,090 --> 00:47:55,090
and a lot more faithful.
1160
00:47:56,471 --> 00:47:57,490
- Yeah, well, what she doesn't
1161
00:47:57,490 --> 00:47:59,157
know won't hurt her.
1162
00:48:00,631 --> 00:48:04,050
- But what if she, or
Margaret, notices something?
1163
00:48:04,050 --> 00:48:05,810
I mean, what if one of us does
1164
00:48:05,810 --> 00:48:06,893
or says something?
1165
00:48:06,893 --> 00:48:08,834
- Okay, relax.
1166
00:48:08,834 --> 00:48:13,373
Something like this isn't
even on their radar.
1167
00:48:13,373 --> 00:48:15,410
- I suppose you're right.
1168
00:48:15,410 --> 00:48:17,243
- Of course I'm right.
1169
00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:21,063
They don't suspect a thing.
1170
00:48:24,226 --> 00:48:25,234
- You were right.
1171
00:48:25,234 --> 00:48:26,973
This is so hot.
1172
00:48:26,973 --> 00:48:27,991
- I told you.
1173
00:48:27,991 --> 00:48:28,994
Nothing quite like making out while
1174
00:48:28,994 --> 00:48:32,244
our oblivious husbands a few feet away.
1175
00:48:34,327 --> 00:48:36,027
- I guess we should get back.
1176
00:48:36,027 --> 00:48:37,031
Unless you think we have time
1177
00:48:37,031 --> 00:48:39,287
for me to go down on you?
1178
00:48:39,287 --> 00:48:41,709
- You know I don't like to rush that.
1179
00:48:41,709 --> 00:48:42,947
And I think even they would notice
1180
00:48:42,947 --> 00:48:46,311
if we stayed in here for half an hour!
1181
00:48:46,311 --> 00:48:48,165
- You don't think they
know that we know, do you?
1182
00:48:48,165 --> 00:48:48,998
- Please.
1183
00:48:50,269 --> 00:48:52,610
They think they're being so clever.
1184
00:48:52,610 --> 00:48:53,972
- Maybe we should tell them that
1185
00:48:53,972 --> 00:48:55,570
that's how we really met,
1186
00:48:55,570 --> 00:48:59,090
checking up on who they were fucking.
1187
00:48:59,090 --> 00:49:00,647
- Why ruin the fun?
1188
00:49:00,647 --> 00:49:03,489
Besides, they're on to something,
1189
00:49:03,489 --> 00:49:05,822
sneaking around is exciting.
1190
00:49:09,330 --> 00:49:10,727
- Remind me, did we tell them we met
1191
00:49:10,727 --> 00:49:12,310
at yoga or Pilates?
1192
00:49:13,629 --> 00:49:14,626
- Who remembers?
1193
00:49:14,626 --> 00:49:16,293
I'm sure they don't.
1194
00:49:22,061 --> 00:49:23,746
- What is so funny, ladies?
1195
00:49:23,746 --> 00:49:26,167
- We're just so happy that we
1196
00:49:26,167 --> 00:49:28,546
finally got you boys together.
1197
00:49:28,546 --> 00:49:29,687
- That's right.
1198
00:49:29,687 --> 00:49:32,829
We both had an intuition
you guys would hit it off.
1199
00:49:32,829 --> 00:49:34,647
- And we weren't wrong, were we?
1200
00:49:34,647 --> 00:49:36,989
I can tell, you two like each other.
1201
00:49:36,989 --> 00:49:37,992
- Uh.
1202
00:49:37,992 --> 00:49:40,242
Yeah, David is a great guy.
1203
00:49:41,467 --> 00:49:43,229
We were just out here talking shop.
1204
00:49:43,229 --> 00:49:44,226
- Right.
1205
00:49:44,226 --> 00:49:45,215
Shop.
1206
00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:46,210
Lawyer stuff.
1207
00:49:46,210 --> 00:49:49,629
Nothing, you know, very personal.
1208
00:49:49,629 --> 00:49:50,770
- Oh, that's too bad.
1209
00:49:50,770 --> 00:49:51,773
We were hoping you guys were
1210
00:49:51,773 --> 00:49:53,773
out here being intimate.
1211
00:49:59,309 --> 00:50:02,268
- Well, the day is young, right?
1212
00:50:02,268 --> 00:50:03,627
And since we're all
hitting it off so well,
1213
00:50:03,627 --> 00:50:04,631
maybe we can just make
1214
00:50:04,631 --> 00:50:06,690
this a regular thing, right.
1215
00:50:06,690 --> 00:50:08,109
Wouldn't that be fun?
1216
00:50:08,109 --> 00:50:09,453
- Oh, I'm game.
1217
00:50:09,453 --> 00:50:10,467
- Cheers to that.
1218
00:50:10,467 --> 00:50:11,300
- Cheers.
1219
00:50:27,549 --> 00:50:29,549
- Well, you owe me $100.
1220
00:50:32,026 --> 00:50:33,570
- Seriously?
1221
00:50:33,570 --> 00:50:35,149
You did it?
1222
00:50:35,149 --> 00:50:37,006
- Can't you tell from
the way that I'm walking?
1223
00:50:37,006 --> 00:50:38,173
God, I'm sore.
1224
00:50:39,330 --> 00:50:40,330
- Holy crap.
1225
00:50:42,466 --> 00:50:46,322
I can't believe you went through with it.
1226
00:50:46,322 --> 00:50:47,572
So, how was it?
1227
00:50:48,786 --> 00:50:50,663
- At first it hurt like hell.
1228
00:50:50,663 --> 00:50:52,202
I may have called your name out,
1229
00:50:52,202 --> 00:50:54,202
as a curse, a few times.
1230
00:50:55,586 --> 00:50:57,170
Still Awkward.
1231
00:50:57,170 --> 00:50:58,253
I never thought I'd be the one to say,
1232
00:50:58,253 --> 00:51:00,653
baby, slow down, be gentle.
1233
00:51:00,653 --> 00:51:03,333
But the crazy thing is, once she did,
1234
00:51:03,333 --> 00:51:05,083
the pain receded and.
1235
00:51:06,375 --> 00:51:09,375
- It started to feel amazing, right?
1236
00:51:10,471 --> 00:51:11,474
- I'm not hooked or anything.
1237
00:51:11,474 --> 00:51:13,391
But it was interesting.
1238
00:51:14,829 --> 00:51:17,511
Worth adding to the repertoire.
1239
00:51:17,511 --> 00:51:20,173
- I knew you'd like it.
1240
00:51:20,173 --> 00:51:22,711
- So, did you hook up with a woman?
1241
00:51:22,711 --> 00:51:24,209
- Yeah, that was never going to happen.
1242
00:51:24,209 --> 00:51:25,692
- What?
1243
00:51:25,692 --> 00:51:28,286
- Breasts are awesome, but vaginas?
1244
00:51:28,286 --> 00:51:29,933
Kind of scary.
1245
00:51:29,933 --> 00:51:31,389
- Scarier than getting butt-fucked?
1246
00:51:31,389 --> 00:51:33,090
- Apparently.
1247
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,007
- You jerk.
1248
00:51:36,050 --> 00:51:40,328
- That is the best 100 bucks I ever spent.
1249
00:51:40,328 --> 00:51:41,161
- Dick.
1250
00:51:42,311 --> 00:51:43,309
- Jackwad.
1251
00:51:43,309 --> 00:51:44,226
- Fucktard.
1252
00:51:55,305 --> 00:51:56,311
- Hi.
1253
00:51:56,311 --> 00:51:57,144
Dan?
1254
00:51:58,606 --> 00:51:59,948
- Jesus Christ!
1255
00:51:59,948 --> 00:52:01,890
You said you were 25.
1256
00:52:01,890 --> 00:52:04,013
Did you just tack on an even 10 years?
1257
00:52:04,013 --> 00:52:05,010
- What?
1258
00:52:05,010 --> 00:52:06,173
No.
1259
00:52:06,173 --> 00:52:07,613
- You are not in your 20s.
1260
00:52:07,613 --> 00:52:09,431
- I may have added a few years.
1261
00:52:09,431 --> 00:52:12,090
But no worries, I'm legal.
1262
00:52:12,090 --> 00:52:13,613
Well, almost.
1263
00:52:13,613 --> 00:52:14,446
I'm 17.
1264
00:52:15,629 --> 00:52:17,671
In a couple months.
1265
00:52:17,671 --> 00:52:19,165
- Which means you're 16.
1266
00:52:19,165 --> 00:52:20,173
Holy Christ.
1267
00:52:20,173 --> 00:52:21,647
- That's the age of consent in England.
1268
00:52:21,647 --> 00:52:23,385
- Yeah, but we're not in England.
1269
00:52:23,385 --> 00:52:25,146
And I don't fancy going to jail.
1270
00:52:25,146 --> 00:52:26,729
- Please, don't go.
1271
00:52:28,514 --> 00:52:29,513
- Listen, kid.
1272
00:52:29,513 --> 00:52:31,908
- It's not illegal to talk to me.
1273
00:52:31,908 --> 00:52:32,914
- No offense,
1274
00:52:32,914 --> 00:52:34,295
but I'm looking for a boyfriend,
1275
00:52:34,295 --> 00:52:35,462
not a project.
1276
00:52:36,349 --> 00:52:37,341
- Just stay a minute.
1277
00:52:37,341 --> 00:52:38,174
Please.
1278
00:52:39,485 --> 00:52:42,485
I don't know any other gay people.
1279
00:52:46,932 --> 00:52:48,242
- Seriously?
1280
00:52:48,242 --> 00:52:49,853
In this day and age?
1281
00:52:49,853 --> 00:52:50,852
Doesn't your school have some
1282
00:52:50,852 --> 00:52:53,949
sort of gay straight
alliance or something?
1283
00:52:53,949 --> 00:52:58,013
- Yeah, but all the guys
who go are so faggy.
1284
00:52:58,013 --> 00:53:00,333
- You know that word's offensive, right?
1285
00:53:00,333 --> 00:53:03,652
- I thought it was okay for us to use it.
1286
00:53:03,652 --> 00:53:05,671
You know, like queer.
1287
00:53:05,671 --> 00:53:08,354
- I'm not the decider
of what's okay and not.
1288
00:53:08,354 --> 00:53:09,453
But I don't like that word,
1289
00:53:09,453 --> 00:53:10,455
so if you want me to stay,
1290
00:53:10,455 --> 00:53:11,735
don't use it again.
1291
00:53:11,735 --> 00:53:12,834
- Okay.
1292
00:53:12,834 --> 00:53:13,667
Sorry.
1293
00:53:16,114 --> 00:53:17,815
- So why aren't you trying
1294
00:53:17,815 --> 00:53:20,110
to meet guys your own age?
1295
00:53:20,110 --> 00:53:22,573
- Guys my age don't know anything.
1296
00:53:22,573 --> 00:53:23,794
Guys your age.
1297
00:53:23,794 --> 00:53:24,888
- How in the hell did I get to be
1298
00:53:24,888 --> 00:53:27,388
the voice of experience at 29.
1299
00:53:30,034 --> 00:53:31,989
- You said you were 27.
1300
00:53:31,989 --> 00:53:34,631
- That's my online age.
1301
00:53:34,631 --> 00:53:35,634
Whenever I put down 29,
1302
00:53:35,634 --> 00:53:36,893
I get all these guys in their 30s
1303
00:53:36,893 --> 00:53:39,314
and 40s hitting on me.
1304
00:53:39,314 --> 00:53:40,893
- So it's okay for you to lie,
1305
00:53:40,893 --> 00:53:43,030
but you're pissed at me for doing it?
1306
00:53:43,030 --> 00:53:44,194
- It's different.
1307
00:53:44,194 --> 00:53:45,027
You're.
1308
00:53:45,871 --> 00:53:47,255
- Jail-bait?
1309
00:53:47,255 --> 00:53:48,653
- Well, yeah.
1310
00:53:48,653 --> 00:53:50,455
- It's still lying.
1311
00:53:50,455 --> 00:53:52,933
Not the smartest way to meet Mr. Right.
1312
00:53:52,933 --> 00:53:55,351
- Nobody ever accused me of being smart.
1313
00:53:55,351 --> 00:53:56,934
A smart-ass, maybe.
1314
00:53:57,815 --> 00:54:00,354
- You seem plenty smart.
1315
00:54:00,354 --> 00:54:01,521
And cute, too.
1316
00:54:03,554 --> 00:54:08,034
You don't need to lie about
your age to meet guys.
1317
00:54:08,034 --> 00:54:09,415
- I guess so.
1318
00:54:09,415 --> 00:54:11,917
It's just so close to 30.
1319
00:54:11,917 --> 00:54:13,335
- I wish I were that old.
1320
00:54:13,335 --> 00:54:15,293
- Don't wish away your youth.
1321
00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:17,314
It'll go fast enough.
1322
00:54:17,314 --> 00:54:18,147
Trust me.
1323
00:54:21,035 --> 00:54:23,529
- You know, I wouldn't tell anyone
1324
00:54:23,529 --> 00:54:25,029
if you and me did.
1325
00:54:26,135 --> 00:54:27,140
- Okay.
1326
00:54:27,140 --> 00:54:28,148
- No, wait.
1327
00:54:28,148 --> 00:54:29,149
I'm sorry.
1328
00:54:29,149 --> 00:54:30,153
I won't say anything like
that again, I'm sorry.
1329
00:54:30,153 --> 00:54:31,986
It's just, I'm lonely.
1330
00:54:33,193 --> 00:54:34,953
- You mean horny.
1331
00:54:34,953 --> 00:54:37,930
I may be old, but I still remember
1332
00:54:37,930 --> 00:54:41,055
what it was like to be a teenager.
1333
00:54:41,055 --> 00:54:42,471
I think I had a continuous hard-on
1334
00:54:42,471 --> 00:54:45,316
all four years of high school.
1335
00:54:45,316 --> 00:54:47,649
- Is that when you came out?
1336
00:54:49,408 --> 00:54:50,241
- No.
1337
00:54:52,713 --> 00:54:54,688
But I'm not from here.
1338
00:54:54,688 --> 00:54:57,195
I grew up in a small town.
1339
00:54:57,195 --> 00:54:58,201
Like you said,
1340
00:54:58,201 --> 00:54:59,231
most of the guys that were coming out
1341
00:54:59,231 --> 00:55:01,148
were pretty flamboyant,
1342
00:55:02,010 --> 00:55:04,427
not exactly in to start with.
1343
00:55:06,153 --> 00:55:07,151
I got called fag a few times,
1344
00:55:07,151 --> 00:55:09,984
but mostly I was able to blend in.
1345
00:55:12,468 --> 00:55:14,968
People just thought I was shy.
1346
00:55:16,325 --> 00:55:18,249
- Maybe that's what people think of me.
1347
00:55:18,249 --> 00:55:19,652
I don't really know.
1348
00:55:19,652 --> 00:55:21,252
- Do you get picked on?
1349
00:55:21,252 --> 00:55:22,669
- No, not really.
1350
00:55:23,514 --> 00:55:25,828
I mean, no more than everybody else.
1351
00:55:25,828 --> 00:55:27,369
High school kind of sucks, you know?
1352
00:55:27,369 --> 00:55:29,119
- Yeah, I remember.
1353
00:55:30,212 --> 00:55:31,209
- I don't know.
1354
00:55:31,209 --> 00:55:33,268
Doesn't feel like I
really belong anywhere.
1355
00:55:33,268 --> 00:55:34,271
- I hate to tell you,
1356
00:55:34,271 --> 00:55:37,556
but that doesn't necessarily change.
1357
00:55:37,556 --> 00:55:38,559
If you're lucky,
1358
00:55:38,559 --> 00:55:40,014
you find a group of friends you like.
1359
00:55:40,014 --> 00:55:44,495
And if you're really
lucky, you find a partner.
1360
00:55:44,495 --> 00:55:46,937
But we don't all have that kind of luck.
1361
00:55:46,937 --> 00:55:48,234
- You've never had a boyfriend?
1362
00:55:48,234 --> 00:55:50,217
- I've had boyfriends.
1363
00:55:50,217 --> 00:55:52,050
Just none that lasted.
1364
00:55:53,528 --> 00:55:57,272
By now I thought I would be settling down,
1365
00:55:57,272 --> 00:56:00,388
even thinking of having kids.
1366
00:56:00,388 --> 00:56:01,752
Instead, I'm trolling meet-up sites
1367
00:56:01,752 --> 00:56:03,730
and dating them.
1368
00:56:03,730 --> 00:56:04,753
- I'm not a kid!
1369
00:56:04,753 --> 00:56:06,670
- And we're not dating.
1370
00:56:09,710 --> 00:56:11,728
But I didn't mean it as an insult.
1371
00:56:11,728 --> 00:56:14,274
It's not a crime to be young.
1372
00:56:14,274 --> 00:56:15,832
In fact, as you'll soon discover,
1373
00:56:15,832 --> 00:56:19,851
youth is a hot commodity
in the gay community.
1374
00:56:19,851 --> 00:56:21,714
A lot of guys would be excited by
1375
00:56:21,714 --> 00:56:24,214
the fact that you're so young.
1376
00:56:25,133 --> 00:56:27,550
And probably a virgin, right?
1377
00:56:30,472 --> 00:56:33,033
- I've had cyber-sex a couple times.
1378
00:56:33,033 --> 00:56:35,133
- Sorry to interrupt a father-son chat,
1379
00:56:35,133 --> 00:56:37,533
but are you using this chair?
1380
00:56:37,533 --> 00:56:38,831
- Oh, he's not my Dad!
1381
00:56:38,831 --> 00:56:39,914
- Oh, really.
1382
00:56:41,133 --> 00:56:43,693
- Yeah, we're just friends.
1383
00:56:43,693 --> 00:56:44,526
- I see.
1384
00:56:46,489 --> 00:56:47,485
- Uh, we're not using the chair,
1385
00:56:47,485 --> 00:56:49,235
you're welcome to it.
1386
00:56:54,434 --> 00:56:55,432
- What a bitch!
1387
00:56:55,432 --> 00:56:56,573
- No, she's probably just a mom,
1388
00:56:56,573 --> 00:56:57,992
imagining how she'd feel if her son
1389
00:56:57,992 --> 00:57:01,853
was meeting up with strange
men in coffee houses.
1390
00:57:01,853 --> 00:57:03,772
- You're not so strange.
1391
00:57:03,772 --> 00:57:04,861
- You got lucky.
1392
00:57:04,861 --> 00:57:07,272
Next guy may not be so nice.
1393
00:57:07,272 --> 00:57:09,394
- I'm not going to get raped.
1394
00:57:09,394 --> 00:57:12,274
- There are lots of ways to get hurt.
1395
00:57:12,274 --> 00:57:13,375
- I can take care of myself.
1396
00:57:13,375 --> 00:57:14,994
- No.
1397
00:57:14,994 --> 00:57:16,333
You can't.
1398
00:57:16,333 --> 00:57:18,653
With all those hormones running wild,
1399
00:57:18,653 --> 00:57:20,877
your judgment is for shit.
1400
00:57:20,877 --> 00:57:22,173
- That's not true.
1401
00:57:22,173 --> 00:57:23,517
- If I'd been willing,
1402
00:57:23,517 --> 00:57:26,477
you'd have gone home with me, right?
1403
00:57:26,477 --> 00:57:27,310
- Maybe.
1404
00:57:28,834 --> 00:57:31,389
- And you don't know anything about me.
1405
00:57:31,389 --> 00:57:34,984
Maybe I strangle young
boys just for kicks.
1406
00:57:34,984 --> 00:57:37,317
- Not with those soft hands.
1407
00:57:39,613 --> 00:57:41,234
- I'm being serious.
1408
00:57:41,234 --> 00:57:42,237
Maybe odds are against you running
1409
00:57:42,237 --> 00:57:43,677
into a serial killer.
1410
00:57:43,677 --> 00:57:46,514
But what about a guy who'll convince you
1411
00:57:46,514 --> 00:57:49,473
to let him fuck you without a condom?
1412
00:57:49,473 --> 00:57:51,394
There are plenty of those out there.
1413
00:57:51,394 --> 00:57:53,334
- I know about safe sex.
1414
00:57:53,334 --> 00:57:55,474
They covered it in health class.
1415
00:57:55,474 --> 00:57:57,234
- Did they cover what to say when
1416
00:57:57,234 --> 00:57:59,538
the guy you think you're in love
1417
00:57:59,538 --> 00:58:01,677
with swears he's HIV negative
1418
00:58:01,677 --> 00:58:03,493
and promises to be faithful,
1419
00:58:03,493 --> 00:58:05,234
and thinks it would bring you closer
1420
00:58:05,234 --> 00:58:08,401
together to have skin-to-skin contact?
1421
00:58:09,554 --> 00:58:12,797
Yeah, that's what I thought.
1422
00:58:12,797 --> 00:58:16,156
Don't be in such a hurry to grow up.
1423
00:58:16,156 --> 00:58:17,158
Just stick with cyber-sex,
1424
00:58:17,158 --> 00:58:20,280
or better yet, just jack off.
1425
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:22,863
That's how I survived my teens.
1426
00:58:25,538 --> 00:58:26,536
- Where are you going?
1427
00:58:26,536 --> 00:58:27,538
- Listen, kid.
1428
00:58:27,538 --> 00:58:28,536
It was nice to meet you, but.
1429
00:58:28,536 --> 00:58:29,369
- Owen.
1430
00:58:30,314 --> 00:58:31,736
My name is Owen.
1431
00:58:31,736 --> 00:58:32,856
- That's your real name?
1432
00:58:32,856 --> 00:58:33,689
- Yeah.
1433
00:58:35,298 --> 00:58:38,381
- I'm really Dan, just not really 27.
1434
00:58:41,437 --> 00:58:42,815
- You shouldn't lie.
1435
00:58:42,815 --> 00:58:44,616
There's nothing wrong with being 30.
1436
00:58:44,616 --> 00:58:47,176
- You're probably right.
1437
00:58:47,176 --> 00:58:50,509
And actually, I'm turning 34 next month.
1438
00:58:51,414 --> 00:58:52,876
- I knew it.
1439
00:58:52,876 --> 00:58:54,758
See, I'm not so stupid.
1440
00:58:54,758 --> 00:58:55,841
- Not at all.
1441
00:58:56,998 --> 00:58:57,996
I bet we'd be friends if I
1442
00:58:57,996 --> 00:58:59,414
was 15 years younger.
1443
00:58:59,414 --> 00:59:01,302
- Why can't we be friends now?
1444
00:59:01,302 --> 00:59:03,121
- Cause it's creepy.
1445
00:59:03,121 --> 00:59:06,195
Guys my age don't hang out with teenagers.
1446
00:59:06,195 --> 00:59:08,038
- But you could mentor me.
1447
00:59:08,038 --> 00:59:09,041
And I could help you stay in touch
1448
00:59:09,041 --> 00:59:10,961
with what young people
are into these days.
1449
00:59:10,961 --> 00:59:14,237
I mean, 34 is practically middle-aged.
1450
00:59:14,237 --> 00:59:15,987
- You little bastard.
1451
00:59:18,598 --> 00:59:20,022
- So, you want to stay?
1452
00:59:20,022 --> 00:59:22,439
I'll buy you a cup of coffee?
1453
00:59:23,556 --> 00:59:26,798
- I'm probably going to regret this.
1454
00:59:26,798 --> 00:59:27,631
Sure.
1455
01:00:16,512 --> 01:00:19,388
- Did you want some coffee?
1456
01:00:19,388 --> 01:00:20,638
- No, I'm good.
1457
01:00:21,516 --> 01:00:24,273
In fact, I'm very good.
1458
01:00:24,273 --> 01:00:25,106
No PDA?
1459
01:00:26,214 --> 01:00:28,530
Sorry, I should have asked.
1460
01:00:28,530 --> 01:00:31,174
For some guys, that's part of the fantasy.
1461
01:00:31,174 --> 01:00:32,177
- No, it's okay.
1462
01:00:32,177 --> 01:00:34,054
Let me explain.
1463
01:00:34,054 --> 01:00:35,554
This isn't for me.
1464
01:00:38,054 --> 01:00:39,073
- Well, I will be there,
1465
01:00:39,073 --> 01:00:42,156
but it's really an anniversary present,
1466
01:00:42,156 --> 01:00:43,406
for my partner.
1467
01:00:44,876 --> 01:00:46,854
We've been together 25 years.
1468
01:00:46,854 --> 01:00:48,476
- Holy crap.
1469
01:00:48,476 --> 01:00:49,617
- Yeah, I know.
1470
01:00:49,617 --> 01:00:51,414
25 years of monogamy.
1471
01:00:51,414 --> 01:00:52,247
- Shut up.
1472
01:00:53,233 --> 01:00:54,236
Okay, maybe you've been faithful,
1473
01:00:54,236 --> 01:00:55,696
but both of you?
1474
01:00:55,696 --> 01:00:56,694
I don't buy it.
1475
01:00:56,694 --> 01:00:57,697
- Well if I can do it,
1476
01:00:57,697 --> 01:00:58,833
why can't he?
1477
01:00:58,833 --> 01:01:00,534
- Cause he's a dude.
1478
01:01:00,534 --> 01:01:01,537
- So what am I?
1479
01:01:01,537 --> 01:01:02,657
An alien?
1480
01:01:02,657 --> 01:01:04,240
- Might as well be.
1481
01:01:06,561 --> 01:01:07,569
Sorry.
1482
01:01:07,569 --> 01:01:08,574
I don't mean to offend.
1483
01:01:08,574 --> 01:01:10,838
In my business I don't often see
1484
01:01:10,838 --> 01:01:13,377
that side of the relationship.
1485
01:01:13,377 --> 01:01:14,556
- That's okay.
1486
01:01:14,556 --> 01:01:17,414
I don't think our friends
believe us either.
1487
01:01:17,414 --> 01:01:18,690
- Seriously, that was unprofessional.
1488
01:01:18,690 --> 01:01:21,440
Um, so what did you have in mind?
1489
01:01:22,460 --> 01:01:24,198
- Well, Richard,
1490
01:01:24,198 --> 01:01:25,196
that's my partner,
1491
01:01:25,196 --> 01:01:27,946
is a really big fan of your work.
1492
01:01:29,318 --> 01:01:30,316
- Really?
1493
01:01:30,316 --> 01:01:31,318
Cool.
1494
01:01:31,318 --> 01:01:32,438
- Yes.
1495
01:01:32,438 --> 01:01:34,316
Anyway, he's impossible to buy for.
1496
01:01:34,316 --> 01:01:35,740
So when I saw your ad,
1497
01:01:35,740 --> 01:01:39,323
I thought you would be
the perfect present.
1498
01:01:40,476 --> 01:01:41,798
- Wait, so you want me to end
1499
01:01:41,798 --> 01:01:43,980
25 years of monogamy?
1500
01:01:43,980 --> 01:01:44,977
- No, no, no.
1501
01:01:44,977 --> 01:01:45,990
As long as we share you,
1502
01:01:45,990 --> 01:01:48,457
we haven't violated any trust.
1503
01:01:48,457 --> 01:01:49,290
- Okay.
1504
01:01:50,236 --> 01:01:51,980
Well you know couples are extra.
1505
01:01:51,980 --> 01:01:55,126
And there's another bump
if you guys want DP.
1506
01:01:55,126 --> 01:01:56,136
- DP?
1507
01:01:56,136 --> 01:01:57,136
- Double penetration.
1508
01:01:57,136 --> 01:01:57,969
- Oh.
1509
01:01:58,838 --> 01:02:00,588
Well that seems fair.
1510
01:02:01,456 --> 01:02:02,460
- And, I don't care if you guys have
1511
01:02:02,460 --> 01:02:04,698
been monogamous since the
Reagan administration,
1512
01:02:04,698 --> 01:02:07,340
condoms are mandatory.
1513
01:02:07,340 --> 01:02:09,158
And don't expect me to bring any drugs.
1514
01:02:09,158 --> 01:02:11,498
- Understood, no drugs.
1515
01:02:11,498 --> 01:02:12,535
- I mean you guys can do drugs
1516
01:02:12,535 --> 01:02:15,035
but I'm not gonna supply them.
1517
01:02:15,874 --> 01:02:17,998
I'm a whore, not a pusher.
1518
01:02:17,998 --> 01:02:21,697
- Okay, we're not really
drug people anyway.
1519
01:02:21,697 --> 01:02:24,321
Red wine is more our speed.
1520
01:02:24,321 --> 01:02:26,988
- Just no fucking Merlot, right?
1521
01:02:28,641 --> 01:02:29,558
- Sideways.
1522
01:02:40,177 --> 01:02:41,642
So how does this work?
1523
01:02:41,642 --> 01:02:43,536
Do I book this directly with you,
1524
01:02:43,536 --> 01:02:46,384
or do you have, like, an agency?
1525
01:02:46,384 --> 01:02:47,424
- You mean like a pimp?
1526
01:02:47,424 --> 01:02:48,257
- No!
1527
01:02:50,042 --> 01:02:51,040
Don't you guys usually go
1528
01:02:51,040 --> 01:02:52,661
through an escort service?
1529
01:02:52,661 --> 01:02:53,744
- Sometimes.
1530
01:02:53,744 --> 01:02:56,560
But this is just between you and I.
1531
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:57,781
- You said this would be quick.
1532
01:02:57,781 --> 01:02:59,601
We are dying out there.
1533
01:02:59,601 --> 01:03:00,619
- I'm almost done.
1534
01:03:00,619 --> 01:03:01,936
Go back to the car, please.
1535
01:03:01,936 --> 01:03:05,436
- (inaudible) in the car!
1536
01:03:06,544 --> 01:03:08,123
- So turn on the AC.
1537
01:03:08,123 --> 01:03:10,362
- Okay, Tyler has to go to the bathroom.
1538
01:03:10,362 --> 01:03:12,261
- Ah, Jesus Christ.
1539
01:03:12,261 --> 01:03:13,264
- What do you expect him to do,
1540
01:03:13,264 --> 01:03:14,261
piss his pants?
1541
01:03:14,261 --> 01:03:15,979
- All right, then what
are you waiting for?
1542
01:03:15,979 --> 01:03:18,062
Take him to the bathroom.
1543
01:03:26,346 --> 01:03:27,763
Sorry about that.
1544
01:03:29,463 --> 01:03:30,506
- That's your?
1545
01:03:30,506 --> 01:03:32,923
- My girlfriend and my kid.
1546
01:03:34,444 --> 01:03:36,111
- So you're not gay?
1547
01:03:37,365 --> 01:03:38,615
- That's a job.
1548
01:03:39,626 --> 01:03:40,624
- Your girlfriend,
1549
01:03:40,624 --> 01:03:42,405
she knows what you do for a living?
1550
01:03:42,405 --> 01:03:44,005
- Yeah, how could she not?
1551
01:03:44,005 --> 01:03:46,139
I'm like a celebrity, bro.
1552
01:03:46,139 --> 01:03:48,207
I've won two Grabby Awards!
1553
01:03:48,207 --> 01:03:49,226
- Right.
1554
01:03:49,226 --> 01:03:50,224
And your son?
1555
01:03:50,224 --> 01:03:51,909
- He's five.
1556
01:03:51,909 --> 01:03:54,709
I'll be retired before he
starts asking questions.
1557
01:03:54,709 --> 01:03:55,706
I'm saving up.
1558
01:03:55,706 --> 01:03:57,328
Gonna go back to school.
1559
01:03:57,328 --> 01:03:58,426
Now, I know that like kills the fantasy.
1560
01:03:58,426 --> 01:04:02,343
But, that's why I told
Lori to wait in the car.
1561
01:04:03,349 --> 01:04:07,432
- Tell me the truth, do
you enjoy the sex at all?
1562
01:04:08,465 --> 01:04:10,469
Or is it really just.
1563
01:04:10,469 --> 01:04:11,808
- A grind?
1564
01:04:11,808 --> 01:04:12,808
- So, is it?
1565
01:04:13,845 --> 01:04:15,349
- Sometimes.
1566
01:04:15,349 --> 01:04:17,727
But it's not like I'm out
there digging ditches.
1567
01:04:17,727 --> 01:04:19,925
You know, when it's bad,
it's still pretty good.
1568
01:04:19,925 --> 01:04:22,288
And sometimes even better than that.
1569
01:04:22,288 --> 01:04:23,285
- I can do it myself.
1570
01:04:23,285 --> 01:04:24,288
- Hold still.
1571
01:04:24,288 --> 01:04:25,728
- Sorry.
1572
01:04:25,728 --> 01:04:26,885
He's actually a really good kid,
1573
01:04:26,885 --> 01:04:29,552
he's just at that age, you know.
1574
01:04:39,605 --> 01:04:40,608
- I'm sorry.
1575
01:04:40,608 --> 01:04:43,025
I can't go through with this.
1576
01:04:45,626 --> 01:04:46,629
- Look, I get it.
1577
01:04:46,629 --> 01:04:47,626
You know, if you want I can put
1578
01:04:47,626 --> 01:04:49,328
you in contact with one of my colleagues.
1579
01:04:49,328 --> 01:04:50,325
Single, gay.
1580
01:04:50,325 --> 01:04:51,866
Whatever you want.
1581
01:04:51,866 --> 01:04:52,869
- No, no, no, no.
1582
01:04:52,869 --> 01:04:54,549
It was you that would
have made it special.
1583
01:04:54,549 --> 01:04:57,285
Richard really is a fan.
1584
01:04:57,285 --> 01:04:59,248
I think he has all of your movies.
1585
01:04:59,248 --> 01:05:00,346
I even brought this to be sure
1586
01:05:00,346 --> 01:05:01,846
I'd recognize you.
1587
01:05:03,888 --> 01:05:05,360
- My first starring role.
1588
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:07,943
I won best newcomer that year.
1589
01:05:07,943 --> 01:05:10,610
- Yeah, it's a classic, classic.
1590
01:05:18,848 --> 01:05:20,515
- Here, take this.
1591
01:05:21,445 --> 01:05:23,778
Get your kid some ice cream,
1592
01:05:24,646 --> 01:05:26,581
it really is a hot day.
1593
01:05:26,581 --> 01:05:28,235
- Thanks, man.
1594
01:05:28,235 --> 01:05:29,735
- Hey, gimme that.
1595
01:05:36,922 --> 01:05:38,089
- Thank you!
1596
01:05:39,479 --> 01:05:41,755
That'll make a really
nice anniversary present.
1597
01:05:41,755 --> 01:05:44,901
- Maybe better than what you had in mind.
1598
01:05:44,901 --> 01:05:45,903
I mean, I'd hate to fuck up
1599
01:05:45,903 --> 01:05:47,882
25 years of monogamy.
1600
01:05:47,882 --> 01:05:49,680
So to speak.
1601
01:05:49,680 --> 01:05:50,762
- I appreciate your concern,
1602
01:05:50,762 --> 01:05:53,929
but I think we're stronger than that.
1603
01:06:18,466 --> 01:06:19,872
- Sorry I'm late.
1604
01:06:19,872 --> 01:06:21,552
- No problem.
1605
01:06:21,552 --> 01:06:22,570
I got an iced mocha.
1606
01:06:22,570 --> 01:06:23,770
You want anything?
1607
01:06:23,770 --> 01:06:25,103
- No, I'm good.
1608
01:06:31,949 --> 01:06:34,309
- So, you actually look
like your profile pic,
1609
01:06:34,309 --> 01:06:36,330
that's kind of amazing.
1610
01:06:36,330 --> 01:06:37,770
- Thanks.
1611
01:06:37,770 --> 01:06:38,603
You, too.
1612
01:06:46,032 --> 01:06:47,850
- Are you sure you don't want a coffee?
1613
01:06:47,850 --> 01:06:50,517
- I don't actually drink coffee.
1614
01:06:53,686 --> 01:06:56,019
You want to get out of here?
1615
01:07:10,714 --> 01:07:11,712
- That was fast.
1616
01:07:11,712 --> 01:07:12,954
I guess it didn't go.
1617
01:07:12,954 --> 01:07:13,973
- Hey, guys.
1618
01:07:13,973 --> 01:07:15,550
This is Jonathan.
1619
01:07:15,550 --> 01:07:16,383
- Hey.
1620
01:07:17,355 --> 01:07:18,188
- Hello.
1621
01:07:19,530 --> 01:07:22,363
- We'll just be in there, talking.
1622
01:07:33,690 --> 01:07:35,023
This is my room.
1623
01:07:41,312 --> 01:07:42,592
Well, that was awkward.
1624
01:07:42,592 --> 01:07:43,754
- Why?
1625
01:07:43,754 --> 01:07:46,512
They're not your parents.
1626
01:07:46,512 --> 01:07:48,832
They know you have sex, right?
1627
01:07:48,832 --> 01:07:49,914
- Yeah.
1628
01:07:49,914 --> 01:07:52,874
I mean, not while they're 10 feet away.
1629
01:07:52,874 --> 01:07:55,472
- The TV is on they won't hear anything.
1630
01:07:55,472 --> 01:07:56,672
I'm not a screamer.
1631
01:07:56,672 --> 01:07:57,505
Are you?
1632
01:07:59,126 --> 01:08:00,126
- Not today.
1633
01:08:34,112 --> 01:08:37,195
- Ah, yeah, good little ginger, yeah.
1634
01:08:42,510 --> 01:08:44,593
Sorry, I gotta take that.
1635
01:08:47,173 --> 01:08:49,411
- Are you, you're kidding me, right?
1636
01:08:49,411 --> 01:08:53,067
- No, I gotta meet some
friends after this.
1637
01:08:53,067 --> 01:08:53,900
Sorry.
1638
01:09:02,850 --> 01:09:05,017
Don't stop, it feels good.
1639
01:09:20,690 --> 01:09:21,973
- I told you.
1640
01:09:21,973 --> 01:09:24,556
I have a gift for these things.
1641
01:09:38,907 --> 01:09:40,250
- Do you mind?
1642
01:09:40,250 --> 01:09:43,269
- I thought you didn't smoke.
1643
01:09:43,269 --> 01:09:45,674
- Well, yeah, I don't, not normally.
1644
01:09:45,674 --> 01:09:46,790
It just seems after sex it'd be
1645
01:09:46,790 --> 01:09:48,794
a crime not to have a cigarette.
1646
01:09:48,794 --> 01:09:49,627
- Sorry.
1647
01:09:50,874 --> 01:09:53,874
There's no smoking in the apartment.
1648
01:09:57,350 --> 01:09:59,568
You don't have to go.
1649
01:09:59,568 --> 01:10:02,006
- I'm meeting those friends, remember?
1650
01:10:02,006 --> 01:10:02,839
- Oh yeah.
1651
01:10:03,833 --> 01:10:06,529
Well, are you doing anything tomorrow?
1652
01:10:06,529 --> 01:10:08,330
Do you want to maybe catch
a movie or something?
1653
01:10:08,330 --> 01:10:09,913
- I'm kind of busy.
1654
01:10:11,834 --> 01:10:13,034
- Okay.
1655
01:10:13,034 --> 01:10:14,032
- Look, you were great.
1656
01:10:14,032 --> 01:10:15,232
It's just that I'm not looking
1657
01:10:15,232 --> 01:10:18,314
for anything heavy right now.
1658
01:10:18,314 --> 01:10:19,312
- I asked to go see a movie
1659
01:10:19,312 --> 01:10:20,992
not to go to a funeral.
1660
01:10:20,992 --> 01:10:23,232
- You want a boyfriend and I'm just not
1661
01:10:23,232 --> 01:10:25,573
in that place right now.
1662
01:10:25,573 --> 01:10:26,592
- Your profile said you weren't
1663
01:10:26,592 --> 01:10:27,594
looking for hook ups.
1664
01:10:27,594 --> 01:10:28,592
- You have to say that
1665
01:10:28,592 --> 01:10:31,092
otherwise you just get skanks.
1666
01:10:32,453 --> 01:10:33,450
It's been fun.
1667
01:10:33,450 --> 01:10:35,117
I'll see you around.
1668
01:10:46,933 --> 01:10:47,766
- Come in.
1669
01:10:48,768 --> 01:10:50,554
Jesus, Nat.
1670
01:10:50,554 --> 01:10:51,552
- I'm sorry.
1671
01:10:51,552 --> 01:10:52,969
You said come in.
1672
01:10:54,592 --> 01:10:56,342
- So, was it awesome?
1673
01:10:57,446 --> 01:10:58,810
- He's really cute, huh?
1674
01:10:58,810 --> 01:10:59,813
- It may have been even more
1675
01:10:59,813 --> 01:11:01,530
humiliating than my last date.
1676
01:11:01,530 --> 01:11:03,573
- Oh come on, that's not even possible.
1677
01:11:03,573 --> 01:11:04,992
- He had full on text conversation
1678
01:11:04,992 --> 01:11:08,909
with his friends while
I was going down on him.
1679
01:11:13,367 --> 01:11:14,200
- Okay.
1680
01:11:15,526 --> 01:11:17,354
I stand corrected.
1681
01:11:17,354 --> 01:11:18,512
- Why am I so stupid?
1682
01:11:18,512 --> 01:11:21,679
Why do I keep attracting these losers?
1683
01:11:28,490 --> 01:11:30,488
- I could say something here
1684
01:11:30,488 --> 01:11:32,488
about frogs and princes.
1685
01:11:33,751 --> 01:11:35,001
- Please don't.
1686
01:11:36,090 --> 01:11:37,770
- Or, we could talk about actually
1687
01:11:37,770 --> 01:11:39,788
having coffee with the guy
1688
01:11:39,788 --> 01:11:41,450
you're meeting for coffee.
1689
01:11:41,450 --> 01:11:42,933
- He doesn't drink coffee.
1690
01:11:42,933 --> 01:11:44,266
- Not the point.
1691
01:11:45,616 --> 01:11:46,832
- I think what Ryan is suggesting is
1692
01:11:46,832 --> 01:11:48,133
that maybe you get to know a guy
1693
01:11:48,133 --> 01:11:51,136
a little bit before you jump in the bed.
1694
01:11:51,136 --> 01:11:52,133
- That's just so.
1695
01:11:52,133 --> 01:11:53,136
- Smart?
1696
01:11:53,136 --> 01:11:54,133
- Difficult?
1697
01:11:54,133 --> 01:11:55,834
- Heterosexual?
1698
01:11:55,834 --> 01:11:57,332
- Maybe 50 years ago.
1699
01:11:57,332 --> 01:11:58,335
These days, most of my girlfriends
1700
01:11:58,335 --> 01:11:59,653
are in the same boat you're in.
1701
01:11:59,653 --> 01:12:01,376
- A sinking one?
1702
01:12:01,376 --> 01:12:05,293
- Getting to get to know
a guy by fucking them.
1703
01:12:06,530 --> 01:12:09,307
- So you're saying
that's not a good thing?
1704
01:12:09,307 --> 01:12:11,807
- Not if you want a boyfriend.
1705
01:12:15,090 --> 01:12:18,173
- Oh, I hate when you guys are right.
1706
01:12:19,813 --> 01:12:20,830
So will do you guys wanna
come with me next time
1707
01:12:20,830 --> 01:12:22,188
so you can make sure that
1708
01:12:22,188 --> 01:12:24,069
I don't do anything stupid?
1709
01:12:24,069 --> 01:12:24,902
- No.
1710
01:12:29,792 --> 01:12:31,551
- You guys suck.
1711
01:12:31,551 --> 01:12:32,992
- Hey man, you got to do it on your own!
1712
01:12:32,992 --> 01:12:34,213
- This is your fault.
1713
01:12:34,213 --> 01:12:35,463
- Love you too.
1714
01:12:53,632 --> 01:12:54,626
- Seriously?
1715
01:12:54,626 --> 01:12:55,629
You're Brad?
1716
01:12:55,629 --> 01:12:56,796
- I know, but.
1717
01:13:00,090 --> 01:13:01,590
I give great head.
1718
01:13:03,712 --> 01:13:06,212
I mean like, truly great head.
1719
01:13:09,552 --> 01:13:10,549
- Really?
1720
01:13:10,549 --> 01:13:11,552
- Yeah.
1721
01:13:11,552 --> 01:13:12,549
- All right.
1722
01:13:12,549 --> 01:13:13,552
Let's go.
1723
01:13:13,552 --> 01:13:14,469
- Oh, okay.
1724
01:13:16,352 --> 01:13:17,185
Woohoo.
1725
01:13:30,190 --> 01:13:34,357
("Hiding in My Dreams" by Eric Himan)
114891
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