All language subtitles for Room Service Colorized

Well, what do you want?
Can't a man have a little privacy here?

- The check, Mr. Miller.
- Oh, the check.

- Is this check any good?
- Why, yes, sir.

Well, we'll soon find out.
There you are.

- Thank you.
- Don't give me that "thank you" stuff.

Mr. Miller...

...many times I have seen your company
rehearsing on the 19th floor.

Please, I would like to play the part
of the Polish miner.

My advice to you is to stay
where you are.

Most actors would be tickled to death
to get as close to a lamb chop as you.

You're wanted on the phone.
Right over here.

Give him a dime.

Hello?

Oh, Christine. Oh, hello, babe.
How are you?

I'm gonna be a little late.

But I can't leave until Mr. Fremont
goes to lunch. Is that all right?

Get to rehearsal as soon as you can.
I'm making a star of you...

...and you only invested
$250 in the show.

All right. Bye.

Please, impresario...

...I read you what
the Russian critic, Yakubovich...

...say about my interpretation
of Uncle Vanya.

Very interesting. When did he say that?

Just before he was shot.

It is just like in America,
three and a half stars!

And then, in the second act,
with 300 peasants doing the kazatsky.

Excuse me, Mr. Gribble.

Gordon, I wanna talk to you.

Look, Joe, I never like to talk to
a hotel manager on a full stomach.

This whole thing is a mess.

If you're referring to that meal,
you're right.

I knew this would happen.
I shouldn't have let you in this hotel.

Joe, you mustn't be impatient.
I'll pay once I find backers for my show.

After all, you can't shake suckers
out of your sleeve.

Anyhow, I can't.

Gordon, I'm in a terrible spot.

Mr. Wagner, the supervising director,
is downstairs now, inspecting the books.

Wagner? I thought he wasn't coming
for another two months.

He walked in on me unexpectedly.
He'll discover your bill any minute.

Twelve hundred dollars' worth of credit to
a shoestring producer. How will I explain it?

If he finds out you're my brother-in-law,
it'll cost me my job.

It was a business proposition.

In return for a little credit
to me and 22 of my actors...

...I gave you a 10 percent interest
in the show.

Don't forget, you begged to get in.

You mean I was railroaded into it
by you and Flossie.

You do me a favor and keep
your wife's name out of this.

Do you realize you're talking about
the woman you love?

And besides, she happens to be my sister.
On my mother's side.

Hello, boss.

- The rehearsal, she's wonderful.
- Hello, Binelli.

Yes, sir, it's wonderful.

I still think it's a terrible play,
but it makes a wonderful rehearsal.

- Hello, room service.
- Just a minute, Binelli.

You can't eat here anymore.

There's only one thing to do.
I'll have to scram.

I can't let you skip.
You have to leave your luggage.

All right, but we can wear
a lot of clothes.

Hey, Binelli. Put on three of my suits.

Give me room 1922. Faker?

Here we go again.
Come on down, give us a hand.

You don't want 22 people skipping
all in one day, do you?

- Of course not, but...
- Joe, their bills are charged to me.

So they can't be held responsible.

The minute I'm out, the whole cast
will re-register under their own names.

Starting today, instead of one big bill,
you'll have 22 little ones.

Hello? Joe, it's for you.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Mr. Wagner. I'll be right down.

I'll be out of here in 15 minutes.

Seventeen years in the hotel business,
and I have to pull a stunt like this.

This only goes to prove what I
always said. The hotel is no good.

I'm afraid you're right, Binelli.
Say, can you put me up for the night?

Yes, but you'll have to sleep
on the shelf.

- What's the matter with the floor?
- I'm on the floor.

What happened to the bed?

Can't get it out of the wall.

Come on, Faker, give us a hand.

- I see you came prepared.
- No, he just don't believe in shirts.

Oh, an atheist, eh?

- Say, maybe he can put me up for the night.
- At the Metropole?

Don't stop there, boss. That's the worst
schlock house on Eighth Avenue.

Well, looks like I'll have to
curl up on the shelf with you.

Sure. You're much better off.

Besides, you'd have to sleep
sideways at his place.

I thought he had a large bed over there.

He has, but four other guys live with him.
They're packed in like a bunch of sardines.

- What, running out again?
- Hello, beautiful.

You can't leave.
I found a backer for you.

- He's coming up here.
- Who is he?

He's an investing agent named Jenkins.
He wanted an interview with Fremont.

- He has money to invest in a play.
- What kind of a straitjacket did he wear?

I talked him out of working with Fremont.
I told him about you, Gordon.

I gave him a copy of Hail and Farewell,
which he's reading this very minute.

Too bad you made the appointment
up here.

I don't know what to do.
If I stay, I may lose the cast.

- If you don't, you'll lose your backer.
- But you must be here when he comes.

- That may be Mr. Jenkins now.
- Man the pumps, boys.

Just a minute.

- Mr. Gordon Miller?
- In the flesh.

- My name is Davis.
- Davis?

Yes, the author of Hail and Farewell.

Oh, well, this is a surprise.

I guess I should have telegraphed you
I was coming.

Not at all. Don't mind the room.
We were just cleaning up a bit.

- I hope I'm not intruding.
- Certainly not.

This is Miss Marlowe,
who's gonna star in your play.

This is Mr. Binelli, my assistant.

And this is Mr. Englund,
the brains of the organization.

That'll give you an idea
of the organization.

Well, I guess I'll go down and register.

You intend to check in here?

Well, before I do that, there's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

You see, I haven't any money to speak of.

I was depending on the advance.

Davis, I could give you the money.
It's really of no importance.

But my advice to you is
to go back home...

...and let me send for you
a week before we open.

Oh, but you see, I've left home for good.
I've burned my bridges behind me.

I see, but you could go back
if you wanted to?

My mother seemed very happy when I left.

Only a mother's mask.

At this moment, she may be sitting
at the fireside, wringing her hands.

- But we have no fireside.
- You have no fireside?

How do you listen to
the president's speeches?

When does the next bus leave
for Oswego?

- Excuse me, Miss Marlowe...
- Soon you'll be thanking me for this.

I appreciate your advice...

The next bus leaves at 9 to. Hurry.

- It's an air-cooled bus.
- I'll help you down with your bags.

- This is your most important decision ever.
- Now, wait a minute.

I don't want to appear stubborn,
but I'm afraid I couldn't go back now.

Now, listen, Davis...

If you people have lost interest
in my play, say so.

- It isn't that.
- I'm sure Morton Fremont would buy it.

- I've got a letter of introduction to him.
- Fremont?

I guess you've heard of him.

I'm beginning to see your point.
You just don't wanna go home.

- Well, that's it.
- No use forcing our opinion on him.

It might make him neurotic.

Now, about this advance.

All you actually need it for
is board and lodging?

- Yes.
- Davis, your problem is solved.

You move right in here with us.

No, no, not another word.
You're my guest.

This is Liberty Hall.

- You mean live with you?
- Precisely.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Oh, by the way, Davis...

...if you happen to have any money on you,
let me put it in my vault downstairs.

I have 67 cents.

You got 67 cents, and you're
asking us for an advance?

He's always clowning.

Well, if you fellas don't mind,
I think I'll wash up.

Yeah, go ahead.
The rest of us are already washed-up.

There's only one thing to do. I'll ask
Mr. Fremont for an advance on my salary.

Thanks. I still have some cinders left
in my ears from that train ride.

Save them for fuel, Davis.
It looks like a hard winter.

Faker, I'm surprised at you.

Yeah, you ought to be ashamed of yourself,
robbing a stranger.

I think he's reforming.
He didn't steal the picture.

Yes, that's the first
encouraging sign I've seen.

Now I know how Gypsy Rose Lee feels.

Hail and Farewell.

Author, author, author!

Hello? Who wants Binelli?

Hold on. Do you know any policeman?

Policeman? What's his number?

Hello?

What's that?

But, officer, this is the first
I hear about this.

Okey-doke. I be right over.

Well, what do you know about that?
I've just been dispossessed.

Dispossessed? From that rattrap?

I know what I'll do.
I'll hock the typewriter.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- You explain it to Davis.

Never mind him.
I'm gonna hock it myself.

I need it more than you do.
The cop's giving me a ticket.

- My moose head is blocking the fire pump.
- Wait.

I can't wait!
I tell you, I gotta have it!

If I don't hurry up, the cop is gonna
dispossess me from the sidewalk.

Say, this certainly is a nice bathroom.

I never lived in a hotel before.

- I had a valet come and lay out your things.
- Oh, thanks.

I'll go down to register for you.
If anyone calls, I'll be right back.

Hello?

Is this the We Never Sleep
Collection Agency?

Well, this is Leo Davis of Oswego.

No, I'm living here at
the Hotel White Way, room 920.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, I got behind in my payments
on the typewriter...

...and they turned it over to you
for collection.

Now, if you'll send a man over here,
I'd be only too glad to pay off the balance.

Come in.

Oh, that's quite all right.

Goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that
this was Mr. Miller's room.

It is. He'll be right back.

Are you an actress?

No. No, I'm the manager's secretary,
Miss Manny.

Well, what will I tell Mr. Miller?

Why, nothing.

I mean...

- No, no, it's not important.
- Excuse me.

What did you say your name was?

Manny. Hilda Manny.

I used to know somebody
called Manny up in Oswego.

Oscar Manny?

Yeah. He used to give me piano lessons.

Why, he's my uncle.

You don't tell me.
Well, what do you know.

- Well, won't you sit down?
- Thank you.

Would you care for a chocolate?

- I got them on the train.
- Thanks.

Twelve hundred dollars.

Gribble, I can't understand
what's going on here.

- You say Miller skipped?
- So I was given to understand, Mr. Wagner.

- When did he skip?
- Well, I'm not sure.

I just want to know one thing, Gribble:

What in blazes goes on
inside that head of yours?

Mr. Wagner, I explained.

The credit limit of this unit is $500.

Miller kept stringing me along from
day to day, showing me backers, telegrams.

I never expected him to skip.

He's a crook, a deadbeat.
If I catch him, I'll have him arrested.

I'm sorry. I'll have to charge you with the
difference between the limit and the loss.

It'll be exactly $ 700.

- Mr. Wagner, I protest!
- Gribble!

I was sent here to put
this unit on its feet.

If I succeed, there's a vice-presidency
waiting for me.

And I'm not gonna let anybody
stand in my way!

I'm going up to room 920
and find out for myself!

You know, I almost forgot
what I came in for.

But since you wrote the show,
I can ask you instead of Mr. Miller.

You see, it's...
Well, it's about an actor.

- Someone you like?
- Oh, I think he's wonderful.

Oh, I see.

Well, he's a waiter in the hotel.

He was a big star in Russia
in the Moscow Art Theater.

The Moscow Art Theater?

He could play the father
in Hail and Farewell.

He's quite a middle-aged man,
and, well, he's getting so discouraged.

Anything you can do for him would...

Gee, I just can't picture you
with a middle-aged man.

But I don't...

No, no. It's nothing like that.
It's just a favor I'm doing him.

Oh, I see.

Well, sure. I'd be glad to hear
him act anytime. Anytime.

Say, who knows?
I may be discovering a great actor.

Oh, you've made me so happy.

Well, I guess I'd really
better be going now.

Thanks for everything
and for the chocolates too.

Maybe I could hear
that Russian actor act now.

That is, I'd like to meet him
if you could be there too.

Well, that's wonderful. Come on down.

Well, keen.

I'll get him to act for us
on the mezzanine.

Swell.

I can't understand this, Gribble.

They checked in Davis without cleaning?

That's what the clerk said.

Gribble, the more I get into this thing,
the less I seem to know.

But there's one thing I'm sure of:

There's a screw loose in this hotel
somewhere, and I'm gonna find it!

- If you'd give me a chance to investigate...
- Investigate?

You allow this chiseler to move in...

...move in 22 other people...

...22 people I can't even find! And now...

You're Mr. Davis?

- Mr. Miller, perhaps?
- No, wrong again.

Jumping butterballs,
they've checked in another man!

- That makes 23!
- There must be a mistake.

I'll say there is.
Who's living here, anyway?

I'll take that.
I'll find out what's going on here.

Boy, I had a tough time getting him
through the revolving door.

Don't talk to me.

What's that?

In the dining room?
I'll be right down.

Don't leave this room, Gribble.
I have work to do.

There are 22 people having dinner
down there and charging it all to Miller!

Jumping butterballs!

He's mad.

- I thought Gordon was gonna skip.
- He's not the skipper he used to be.

We're expecting a backer,
so we had to change our plans.

Yes, and Wagner's charging me with $ 700
of Miller's bill. Me, personally.

Kiss me, Joe.
Christine brought me a backer.

Backer, backer.
I'm sick of hearing that word.

Then you went and registered this Davis.

Anybody want me?

- Are you Davis?
- Leave it to me.

- Have you any money?
- Why, no, I haven't.

Are you from the We Never Sleep
Collection Agency?

I'm the hotel manager.

Let me tell you something.
There's $ 1200 charged against this room.

And if you move in here too,
I'll bill you for half of it.

Say, what sort of a hotel is this?

You move in, and you owe $600
right away.

- Pay no attention to him.
- He's excited.

I'm not excited. Gordon, you don't
have a dime, and you never will.

All you've done is ruin me.

Come on, Joe,
you gotta give him a chance.

I'm sick of hearing about your backers.

Yes? Speaking.

Oh, Mr. Jenkins.
Yes, come right up.

Joe, we're out of the woods.
My backer's on his way up now.

Tell Wagner if he doesn't behave himself,
I'll buy this hotel and make him a bellhop.

No, that's too good for him.
I'll make him a guest.

- Your backer's really coming?
- He's on his way up.

Just leave us alone for 15 minutes...

Wagner told me not to,
but this is important.

You bet it is.

Well, what's the matter with you,
Oswego?

I'm just a little disappointed,
that's all.

You wrote and told me
you were a great manager.

I am a great manager. A great manager
never puts his own money into a play.

You were all so nice and so kind.

I thought I was moving into
some sort of a club.

Look, everybody does it this way.

Every honest producer has a backer.

A manager puts his own money in the play,
right away, you know he's a crook.

Ssh, money.

Mr. Jenkins, I believe.

- Yes. Mr. Miller?
- Come right in.

- This is Mr. Binelli, my treasurer.
- How do you do, Mr. Jenkins?

- Mr. Davis, my author.
- How do you do?

Mr. Jenkins, I'm glad to meet you.
I've never met a backer before.

Won't you be seated, Mr. Jenkins?

Thank you.

I presume Miss Marlowe told you
all about our meeting?

- Quite.
- I see you have a copy of my play.

- It's a great idea, isn't it?
- Quite.

I enjoyed the play very much.

I'm the investing agent
for a very wealthy man.

I'm sure you'd recognize the name
if I mentioned it.

Who is he? Do I know him?

You see, there's a young lady involved.

Oh, and she would like
to play a small part?

How did you know?

It came to me in a dream, Mr. Jenkins.

Well, my employer's ready
to put up $ 15,000.

Fifteen thousand dollars?

Well, I think we could just about
manage on that.

It's a little skimpy.

Yes it is, but I think by cutting an edge
here and there, we could slip through.

I'm sure Davis won't mind writing
in a part for the young lady.

I won't change a line in the play.

- Shakespeare didn't change any lines.
- Shakespeare didn't owe $ 1200.

You wouldn't have to change a line.
The lady can play one of the miners.

But the miners are all men.

Do me a favor and keep sex
out of this conversation.

I've never produced anything
but clean plays.

If you have the papers ready,
I'll sign and give you the check...

...at, shall we say,
10:30, tomorrow morning?

Shall we say at your office
at 10:30 tomorrow?

- Well, why not here?
- You mean...

Up...? Up here?

I'd rather not meet at my office.

There's always the danger of publicity.

You can easily understand
my client's position.

Well, tomorrow morning, 10:30, then.

You couldn't make that tonight?

No, I'm afraid not.
Tomorrow morning at 10:30.

It's a pleasure to see so much
enthusiasm and youth.

- See you all tomorrow.
- Goodbye. Watch the traffic light.

Great news, Joe!
I've got the money for the play.

Yeah, we got a backer, Joe, $ 15,000.

Glory be.

I'll have the check tomorrow morning.

Couldn't you get a few hundred
on account?

- It might have spoiled everything.
- We need money today. Wagner's furious.

The cast is in the lobby.
They've been locked out of their rooms.

He can't do this.
If I lose my cast, I'll sue him.

If I lose my backer, I'll kill him.

Gordon, don't start anything else.

Actors gotta sleep someplace.

Can't you put them
in the ballroom overnight?

Suppose Wagner sees them
in the ballroom.

If Wagner comes in,
they'll start dancing.

All right, all right.
Here are the keys.

- I'll take care of it.
- Tell them to keep quiet.

Tell them to do soft-shoe dancing.

- I'm gonna get out of here.
- You can't do that.

I don't wanna lose my clothes.
They're all I've got.

What's this?

They've checked somebody else in?

Why, no. This is Mr. Miller.

So you didn't skip after all.

Mr. Wagner, I demand you reopen
those rooms on the 19th floor.

They're my guests.
I'm responsible for their bill.

Then who's responsible for yours? Davis?

I'm responsible for Davis.

- And who are you?
- I'm Davis.

Gribble, he's skipping
right under your very nose!

- I am not skipping!
- No, we're just bringing some things in.

I want a substantial payment.
Are you prepared to make it?

I'll give you the $ 1200 tomorrow.

Tomorrow won't do.
We must have something today.

You have an empty theater downstairs.
You haven't been able to rent it for years.

- Give me till tomorrow and...
- I am not interested.

I'll give you just 20 minutes
to clean up this bill. Otherwise...

I'll be locked out?

I see you're familiar with hotel procedure.

Very well.

Now, don't try the old gag
of staying in the room.

I'll force you out!

I'll send in painters! Fumigators!

You should have sent in fumigators
weeks ago.

Come on, Gribble.

I'll pull this hotel out of the red...

...if I have to check into every room myself!

By Godfrey!

Now I am gonna lose my clothes.

What's the matter?

No!

- What's the matter now?
- How do you like that?

Just because he owes six months' rent,
they threw him out.

Well, $6 is $6.

- I take it he intends to stay here with us?
- I guess so.

You mean four of us in one room?

That's without painters and fumigators.

Let's fight. We've gotta keep this room
until 10:30 tomorrow, or we're doomed.

- We'll have to sleep in shifts.
- I'll take the night shift.

You take the night shift.
I'll take the day shift...

...and I'll be in Scotland afore you.

Is there a tourist camp
in the neighborhood?

Wait a minute.
Suppose one of us got sick.

That's the idea. They can't put
a sick man out. It's against the law.

I had kidney trouble at the Astor
and gallstones at the Plaza.

- Those were the happy days.
- Why didn't I think of that before?

- Binelli, into that bed.
- It's no good. I'm not registered.

Faker! Get into that bed.

No, he's no good too.
He's not registered.

Davis...

...what's the matter with you?
- You look terrible.

- Well, I feel fine.
- No, you don't.

Wait a minute!
What are you fellas trying to do to me?

- You gotta play sick.
- Or we lose the room.

- You can't let me down!
- I'm in good health!

- You've got a contagious disease.
- The measles.

- I've had the measles!
- It's a relapse.

Get the iodine and give him
a case of measles.

- Give me a chance to think.
- No time to think.

This will keep us in the hotel.

Couldn't I have a disease
with my clothes on?

Hey, leave me alone, will you?
What are you gonna do to me?

Make it bigger.
That don't look like a measle.

That looks like a freckle.

- Come on, will you?
- All right, all right.

Now, take it easy.

No!

Oh, that's beautiful!

You're a second Michelangelo.

Slip this to him while I step outside
and see if the coast is clear.

It's room 920, and I wanna
get them out right away.

Boss, we'll have them right out.

I'll show them they can't
fool around with me.

Here comes trouble!

- Not me, boss. Not me.
- That's worse than murder.

Well, what the...?

Jumping butterballs!

I'm weak. If I don't get something to eat
pretty soon, I'm gonna collapse.

Say, we're just as hungry as you are.

Yeah, but you fellas are used to it.

I've never gone without food
for 18 hours before.

It's all a matter of willpower,
if you just make up your mind.

I can make up my mind all right,
but I can't do anything with my stomach.

How about a two-handed game
of pinochle while we fast?

No, I'm just going
to concentrate on food.

If there was only something left
we could hock.

How about that moose head?

Oh, no, you don't!

I shot him with my own hands.
I ate him up to the neck...

...but I refuse to part
with the rest of him.

If I could get my watch out of hock,
I'd hock it again.

I'm so hungry I see spots before my eyes.

Me too.

Mine are beginning to look
like hamburgers.

If you see one with onions,
save it for me.

Gee, my mother is the best cook in Oswego.

All right, all right,
you're breaking my heart.

- Room service.
- You better use a different dialect this time.

Hello?

This is Dr. Glass.

Glass, the house physician.

The patient in room 920 is very ill.
He must have food immediately.

He just developed a tapeworm.

Tapeworm?

I see.

He said the tapeworm
will have to register.

Two hours ago, you told me Faker was
coming with a turkey he won in a raffle.

Maybe he's getting it stuffed.

I didn't say he won it.
I said he was going to win it.

After all, he's running the raffle.
He has as good a chance as anyone else.

All you've done is take advantage of me.

You pawned the silver frame
off my mother's picture...

...you stole my roller skates...

...and you even took 67 cents
out of my pocket while I was asleep.

Well, I had to feed a cast
of 22 people, didn't I?

I wasn't here 10 minutes when
you'd pawned my typewriter.

That isn't even my property.

I still owe money on it.

Why, I may even be arrested!

- Gee.
- What's the matter?

My head's going around.

Must have been something you ate.

- Get into that bed!
- Come on, come on, hurry up. Get in.

How do you do, impresario?

Oh, hello, Mr. Smirnoff.

I am sorry. You don't feel good,
Mr. Davis?

I promised Mr. Smirnoff we'd hear him
read the part of the father.

Thank you, Mr. Davis.

Binelli, we might have a part for Sasha.

Well, maybe.

Stand over there, Sash.

Turn around.

What do you think, Binelli?

He looks just right to me.

I could eat him raw.

Sasha, could you get us a meal
out of the hotel?

But they shut you off room service.

If you could make a mistake, like delivering
the right meal to the wrong room...

Deliver a meal to the wrong room?

We got a terrific part for you.

A terrific part?

But it's so terrific that unless
Davis gets some food in him...

...he'd be too weak to tackle it.

I don't care about food for myself, Sash...

...but if you let a great American author
starve, his blood will be on your hands.

You know what the penalty is
for murder in this country?

Well, I just left a big order
on service elevator.

I got to deliver him upstairs,
but I don't know.

You see, I take big chance.

It might lead to a Hollywood contract.

Hollywood!

Gentlemen, you are singing
music in my ears. I...

But if Mr. Wagner find out...

Think of the other Russians who
made good in the same way.

- Gregory Ratoff.
- Nazimova.

Ginger Rogovich.

Three years I slave in the kitchen.

I no got courage.
But now I got courage!

I do it!

Gee, he has a lot of talent.

Sure. I've seen him carry
12 dishes at one time.

How do you do?
I'm looking for Mr. Leo Davis.

- And who are you?
- My name is Timothy Hogarth.

I represent the We Never Sleep
Collection Agency.

Come in, Mr. Hogarth. It's a pleasure
to meet a man who never sleeps.

- You must come and take a nap some time.
- Yes, do.

Maybe we can go in vaudeville together.
You never sleep, and we never eat.

Well, is Mr. Davis about?

No, Mr. Davis is not here.

How soon will he be back?

Mr. Hogarth, I have bad news for you.
I'm afraid he's never coming back.

Gone away?

They took him away.

- Is he ill?
- Worse than that. He went crazy.

Glory be.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But I understand that he got in
from Oswego yesterday.

No, he escaped from Oswego.

Poor man.

Well, there's a matter of $42
due on his typewriter...

...which I've been delegated to collect.

- I'm afraid you'll never get it.
- He tore up all his money.

Well, he must be out of his mind.

Well, in that case, I'll have
to take back the typewriter.

- Oh, he took it with him.
- To the madhouse?

He likes to hear the little bell ring.

Well, I've never made any collections
in a madhouse.

I have my orders.

- Where did they take him?
- The maternity hospital.

Maternity hospital?
But I thought you said he was crazy.

Well, if he wasn't crazy, he wouldn't go
to the maternity hospital, would he?

You can't miss him.
Second straitjacket to the left.

Oh, by the way, don't mention it
to the hotel people.

Oh, no. I understand.
Good day, gentlemen.

- Good day. Good day.
- Good day.

- You shouldn't have told him that.
- Why not? You can't sue a lunatic.

- They may send a letter to my mother.
- Your mother knows you're not crazy.

Gee, I don't know where I'm at.

Mr. Gribble says I owe $600. Downstairs
they think I've got a tapeworm...

...and this man thinks I'm a lunatic.

Did you get the turkey?

- It's a miracle.
- Food!

- Close the door.
- I got it.

Surround the turkey.

Well, we had no cranberries anyhow.

Gentlemen, I bring you banquet.

Food!

I'll come back for the dishes.

Snap the lock, Sash.

Well, I hate to double-cross
that Russian waiter...

...but we can't fire
the actor we've got.

He's been rehearsing
seven weeks now without pay.

You mean you promised him the part
just to get a meal out of him?

No, that's not quite true.

When I made that offer,
I was prepared to go through with it.

But now that I've eaten,
I see things in a little different light.

Hello? For you, Davis.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Hilda.

Oh, no, I'm not really sick.

I can explain everything.

All right, I'll meet you
down in the lobby right away.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Goodbye.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to meet the woman I love.

You're supposed to be sick in bed.

That's the only thing keeping this
play alive, that we have a sick man.

- Don't you want the play to go on?
- Listen, fellas...

...you starved and robbed me,
and I went along with you...

...because I thought
I owed it to the play.

There's one thing more important
than any play, and that's love.

- It only comes once in a lifetime.
- Well, once is enough for me.

I'm going now. And I'll brain any man
that tries to stop me.

That's a fine thing.
Yesterday we wanted you to go home.

You didn't wanna go. Now we want
you to stay. You wanna go.

- Make up your mind.
- My mind is made up!

Love. He talks just like one
of the characters in his play.

I don't know. I like love.

Me too, but there's a time
and a place for everything.

I like it any time.

Hey, Faker, how about you?
Was you ever in love?

Of course I like them a little bigger.

I'll get it.

- Hello, Christine.
- Hello.

Well, where did this banquet
come from?

One of the waiters
wants to be an actor.

I borrowed $2 from the porter,
dashed out of the office...

...and expected to find you
gnawing at the carpet.

- Got the contract?
- Copied it from Fremont's best.

It's in the bag next to the sandwich.

- Is this it, with the mustard on it?
- Yeah.

I think I'm gonna like this. I never had
a contract with mustard on before.

- Open the door!
- Wagner, Faker...

...get into bed. You got to play sick.
Christine, sit there and play nurse.

Faker, get in there and start groaning.

Just a minute!
Get that banana out of your mouth.

- He's supposed to have measles.
- Never mind the measles.

- He's got a tapeworm now.
- Open the door!

Just a minute, Mr. Wagner.
There's something wrong with this lock.

Miller, how did that meal get here?

- Dr. Glass ordered it for the patient.
- Dr. Glass did nothing of the kind.

- I refuse to argue with a house dick.
- I'm not a dick. I'm a doctor.

Dr. Glass.

I want to know how this meal
got up here.

Can't I get to the bottom of anything?
They check in. They check out.

They skip. They don't skip.
They get sick. And now this meal.

I'll fire that waiter.
I'll fire the whole darn kitchen!

Quiet, please.
There's a patient in the room.

- He has a tapeworm.
- Last night it was measles.

I'm not responsible for complications.
He has laryngitis.

We had to get a nurse.

- That groan doesn't sound authentic.
- Wait a minute. That's not Davis.

- Yesterday he didn't look like that.
- Certainly not. He's aged 10 years...

...on account of this hotel's service.
- His hair wasn't red yesterday.

It's a very rare case.
He's got a red tapeworm.

Well, there's certainly something screwy
going on around here.

Will you consent to have Davis removed
to a hospital at the expense of the hotel?

It's up to Dr. Binelli.
What do you think, doctor?

The patient is too sick to be moved.

- How do you feel, young man?
- He's hungry all the time.

- Let him speak for himself.
- How can he when he's got laryngitis?

I insist the patient speak for himself!

There you are. You heard what he said.

Hurry, doctor.
It's time for the patient's nap.

He won't sleep till I find out
what's going on here.

Miller, you've committed fraud.
All that keeps me from putting him out...

...is the remote possibility
that this man has some disease.

- His pulse is normal.
- That's what you think, you quack.

Quack? I refuse to be insulted.

I question your ethics.
I'll have you investigated.

Say:

No.

No.

You'll never see the tapeworm that way.

- I thought you knew better.
- Mr. Wagner...

- Allowing yourself to be hoodwinked...
- This is all so unnecessary.

- I handle my guests in a different way.
- I don't like your way!

- It's not the White Way way!
- I'm the manager.

- I won't allow you to insult my guests!
- What guests?

- The whole 19th floor is empty!
- You locked them out!

And I'll lock out this deadwood too!
I'll show you!

- You and who else?
- Go to your office and argue.

There's a sick man here.

Hurry up, doctor. Do something!
Get him healthy! Get him out of here!

- My backer will be here any minute.
- I'm not interested in your backer.

All I'm interested in
is getting this man out of here.

- Where are you taking him?
- I always consider the modesty...

...of my patients.

I'll step out of the case.

- I have terrible news. He has disappeared.
- Disappeared?

- He's not in the maternity hospital.
- He's gone.

They transferred him,
to the county hospital.

Go, my friend, before they
transfer him again.

- The county hospital?
- There's no time to lose. Scram!

- Hail and farewell.
- Hail and farewell.

- Hail and farewell.
- Hail and farewell.

- Wonderful.
- Terrific.

- Sensational.
- I didn't think he could do it.

How do you like it, Wagner?
That's a scene from our second act.

I've been a hotel man for 30 years.
I've met all sorts of...

Hello!

Yes, this is Mr. Wagner.

What's that?

Nineteen people?

Jumping butterballs!

Nineteen people were discovered
living in the ballroom. Throw them out!

Come on, Gribble.
We'll find out about this.

- Now, Wagner...
- Hail and farewell.

Trying to throw my entire cast
out of the hotel.

Christine, go down
and tell them to wait in the lobby.

All right.

That man is perfectly well.
Mr. Wagner will be glad to know.

Listen to me. Tell him tonight,
tomorrow, but not now.

- I'll tell him now.
- I'll give you a piece of the show.

- I don't want it.
- I'll put your name on the program.

I don't want my name on it. Put that
fake doctor's name on the program.

I'm going down to tell...

Where's my bag?

- What have you done with my bag?
- You must've left it in the bathroom.

Just take it easy, doc.

It will only be for a little while.

- You shouldn't have kissed me.
- I just couldn't help it.

I've never done anything
like that before.

But I'll forgive you because
you were so nice to Sasha.

Well, I guess that'll hold
that fake doctor for a while.

Yes? Speaking.

Oh, come right up, Mr. Jenkins.

Binelli, he's here, the backer!
He's here!

- Santa Claus.
- Neckties. Faker?

Hey, Faker, where are you?

Walked out on us. How do you like that?
That's two sick men running around.

You know, Binelli, we may
start an epidemic in this town.

Go downstairs and see
if you can find him.

If Wagner catches sight of him,
we're sunk.

Oh, Mr. Jenkins!
How are you? Glad to see you.

- Come right in.
- Fine, thanks. I see we're alone today.

Yes, I thought...

I thought it would be
better that way.

- Much better.
- I have the contract right here.

Fifty shares of Hail and Farewell...

...made out in the name of Simon Jenkins.
Just a few paragraphs.

"Simon Jenkins, 50 shares."
Transferable, of course.

- Of course.
- I see. That's fine. Fine.

You're going to see the signature
on this check anyway...

...so you might as well know
who your backer is.

- Did you ever hear of...
- Zachary Fiske?

Zachary Fiske himself.
That's the man I represent.

Now you realize why
I don't want any publicity.

You don't have to go any further.

This check's made out to me, naturally.
But I'll just endorse it over to you.

"Culver City, California"?

That means about five days
before I'll get the money.

- I thought I could get started today.
- Young energy.

I could have our bank wire certification
to your bank, if that will help.

- If it isn't too much trouble.
- None at all. I'll make a note of it.

If you'll be good enough
to sign the contract...

Oh, Mr. Miller, I must
remind you once again.

The name of Zachary Fiske must remain
in the background at any cost.

Mr. Jenkins, you have my word,
and you know what that's worth.

Where's Davis?

Go away. This is the deal I told you
about. If you leave us alone...

You can't put me off any longer.
Even your phony sick man's gone.

That gives me every legal right
to demand this room.

- Who is this man?
- Never mind who I am. Who are you?

Go away.
You can't take those pictures now.

- Pictures?
- Mr. Wagner's my press agent.

- He has an idea...
- I have only one idea!

- A publicity man. Mr. Miller...
- It concerns the cast.

- I'm here for money!
- I have the check.

- What check? Whose check?
- Whose check?

Mr. Jenkins happens to represent
one of our greatest...

I don't give a hoot who he represents!

For Pete's sake, will you
get out before I fire you?

Fire me? Who do you think
you're talking to?

- I don't like this.
- Sorry, wrong room.

- Isn't that your assistant?
- Take Wagner out of here.

- Take Miller out of here!
- Shut up!

Take him away. The check's
practically in my pocket.

- Mr. Wagner, please.
- I'm not leaving till Miller's out.

- Are you trying to blackmail me?
- Mr. Jenkins!

See what you've done?

Miller's my brother-in-law.
I'll vouch for him.

Brother-in-law? Well...

...that explains everything.
Gribble, you've committed fraud.

- I'll call the police.
- Police?

- You mustn't do that.
- Let me go.

I'm not interested in shysters.
I'm going for a real producer.

Please! Hey, listen...

Good heavens!

- How do you get out of here?
- Dr. Glass!

They've kidnapped him!

First place, we didn't.
Second, we don't know who he is.

He may be left over
from the convention.

- It's a scene from our second act.
- I don't like it.

We'll put in another scene.
You can have any scene you want.

- What are you gonna do now?
- Don't ask me. You're the doctor.

Don't worry, they won't
get away with this.

I'll put them behind bars,
including Gribble.

- Shall I get you a drink?
- Are you all right?

I haven't been all right
since you came to this hotel!

See what your brother-in-law did?
His mind's wandering.

It's not wandering!
I don't blame Miller for tying me up.

He had a good reason.
He was transacting a legitimate deal.

I hold you responsible for what he did.
You drove him to it.

Say, you're not Miller's
brother-in-law too?

All I know is Zachary Fiske
is backing his play.

That's a good enough
recommendation for anybody.

- Zachary Fiske?
- I heard every word.

That man you insulted
was Mr. Fiske's agent.

He has a check for Miller
signed by Fiske himself!

- Fiske! Why didn't Miller tell me?
- Because he's afraid of publicity.

- Because he's afraid of you!
- Everybody's afraid of you.

You steamed in here like a tugboat.

You took charge without faith
in anybody's judgment.

Nobody can talk to you!
Jumping butterballs!

I'm through with this hotel,
Mr. Wagner!

I'll thank you to remove
my shingle from the elevator.

- Please, I'm exhausted.
- But you must listen.

- Yeah, it couldn't be helped.
- I'm not accustomed to this.

- Will you please let me out?
- Excuse me, Mr. Jenkins.

I want to apologize.
There's another Miller in the hotel.

- Not my business.
- He had the bills confused.

These gentlemen have
plenty of credit here.

- Mr. Miller can have anything he likes.
- All right.

I had no idea Zachary Fiske
had anything to do with this.

- Zachary Fiske? How did you...?
- Dr. Glass heard everything.

- Dr. Glass? Who told him?
- It's perfectly all right.

- We'll keep it quiet.
- If you'll endorse the check...

- I don't feel well.
- All you have to do is sign your name.

- I have a weak heart.
- Then you better hurry. Here's the pen.

- I'll vouch for these gentlemen.
- All right, all right.

It'd be our pleasure to have you
as a guest.

- Entirely without charge.
- Thanks just the same.

I'm going direct to my doctor.

Good day, gentlemen.

Will you please show me
the right way out of here?

This way, Mr. Jenkins.
Right over here. Here you are.

- Goodbye, Mr. Jenkins.
- Goodbye.

- Well, Miller, I'll take that check.
- Oh, no, you don't.

- I'll take it. I'm the treasurer.
- I'll make a deposit.

As soon as the check clears,
in about five days...

I'd be happier if you'd let me
deposit it in our bank.

- What will I do for money?
- You can draw against the check.

When the check clears,
we'll turn over the balance.

- That's only fair, Gordon.
- No. I can't take any chances.

This is a shaky hotel. How do I know
you won't go bankrupt?

I'll guarantee the whole amount
to you personally.

- How do we know your credit is good?
- I want this bill off my first report.

I can't do that unless I have
a check deposited.

- Oh, Gordon, for once in your life, pay a bill.
- Oh, you might as well.

All right, I'll do it for you, Joe.

Oh, thanks, Miller.

By the way, I wanna move out
of this frowzy dungeon immediately.

- I want your best suite.
- I'll give you the bridal suite.

All right, and about three brides.

I'm awfully sorry I misjudged you.

- I hope you have a hit.
- I'll draw up the lease.

- Got the check?
- Here it is.

- Zachary Fiske?
- Well?

Well, hail and farewell.

Goodbye, Mr. Davis.

- Christine, I'm paying a bill!
- Darling!

- But how about the cast, boss?
- Yes. They can't live in the lobby.

Everybody move in again.
The hotel is wide open.

- Davis?
- We're rich!

- Fifteen grand!
- I just saw Mr. Jenkins in the lobby.

- I suppose he told you.
- Yeah, he told me.

He's gonna stop payment
on the check.

He said the only reason he endorsed it
was to get out of here.

But he can't do that.
He signed the contract.

Or did he?

Gee, I feel sick.

Four months to get it,
and one minute to lose it.

They can't do this to me.
I'll sue the hotel for $ 100,000.

- You haven't a leg to stand on.
- Then I'll sue Fiske. I'll sue Jenkins.

- But he didn't sign the contract.
- There must be somebody I can sue.

Gee, I'm sorry, but I guess I'll have
to take my play to Mr. Fremont.

But you can't do that.
It's all we have.

- Well, I know that, but l...
- We've worked on it for five months.

I've missed my lunches for rehearsals.

Well, I realize all that,
but I can't wait another five months.

I've got to make some money.

- You're thinking of Hilda, aren't you?
- Not only that, but...

If it's the waiter you're worried about,
he'll get the part, won't he?

Gee, I don't know what to say.

If we only had another backer.

Davis, we have a backer. Wagner is
putting that check through his bank.

Well, for five days we have
$ 15,000 worth of credit.

- You're not...
- We're rehearsed.

- We can open in five days.
- All we need is scenery and costumes.

- We can charge that to the hotel.
- But it's illegal. It's...

Relax, Davis.
Wagner is backing the play.

Jumping butterballs!

Well, Joe, in a little while,
our fortune will be made.

Your 10 percent of the show
will make you a rich man.

You and Flossie can have
a bridal suite too.

I certainly hope so.

That waiter looks great in that part.
How did you think of him?

The minute I set eyes on him, I said
to myself, "There's a great actor."

I can spot them a mile away.
Especially if I'm hungry.

Come in.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Wagner.
They told me you was up here.

- Mr. Wagner?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Would you mind signing
this receipt again?

- What receipt?
- Come back later. I'm busy.

- The bank clerk rejected your signature.
- The bank?

It's nothing.
Come back in the morning.

- I must have it tonight.
- He's not Mr. Wagner. Let me see.

- I'm the hotel manager.
- Not Mr. Wagner?

No wonder that signature
ain't good.

- Good heavens!
- It was just as big a blow to me.

- The check, it bounced.
- I walk into your office today...

...he says he's Wagner and signs a receipt.
The bank won't accept the signature.

Go tell the bank
Mr. Wagner can't be reached.

- But this is strict orders.
- Well, come back in the morning.

- Fifteen thousand dollars.
- Now, don't get panicky, Joe.

Pull yourself together.
And for Pete's sake, don't tell Wagner.

I was saving my little surprise till now.

Well...

- How do you like it, Joe?
- What? Oh, I like it.

Then let's have a drink. Right off the ice.
Finest stuff there is.

I'm overwhelmed.

Well, after all, you're a guest
in good standing now, you know?

Of course, you still owe us
a little bill, huh, Joe?

- Well?
- As soon as I finish dressing.

You know, regardless of how I feel
about that fellow personally...

...I still think it was a good idea
to make this gesture.

Yes, sir. After all...

Say, you look pale.
Something wrong?

I don't feel so good.

Must have been
that fish we had for dinner.

The food in this hotel
is certainly crummy.

Imagine a shrewd manipulator
like Fiske...

...putting his money
in a piece of cheese.

Not me.

Oh, come now. Snap out of it.
Take it easy.

Hello?

Oh, at this hour? Well, put him on.

It's a clerk at the bank.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Wagner.

Verify what signature?

What receipt?

Just a moment.

Did you sign my name
to a receipt today?

Why, no.

What's it for?

Some check came back.
Probably some transient.

I have to get a headache powder.

Why don't you take this up
with my bookkeeper?

Well, I can't be bothered with it!

What's that?

Zachary Fiske?

You investigated?

He stopped it?

Oh, no, no, no!

In the morning! In the morning!

In the morning! In the morning!

Wagner, you don't know
how lucky you are.

You're in the hotel business.
No headaches, no worries.

Well, brother Wagner,
let's start the champagne flowing.

You don't mind
if Binelli joins our party.

Oh, no, no. In fact, I insist.

But I hope to make it a real party.

I have another surprise for you boys.

A big surprise.

Now, don't go away.

I'd like to get a license
to hunt Wagner.

He'd look great
alongside of my moose.

Hey, what's the big surprise?
I just ran into Mr. Wagner...

...and he insisted I come in
and have a drink.

He's gone backstage to get Faker.

He said he had a surprise
just for the four of us.

I always thought they celebrated
after an opening, not before.

That depends. With a show like this,
you celebrate before.

It's hard celebrating while running from
an audience that wants its money back.

Hello?

Gribble.

Yes, Joe?

What's the matter?
Who told him?

Joe! Joe!

- Wagner found out?
- They called him from the bank.

- Well, what's he going to do?
- Joe couldn't talk.

I don't see what you fellas
are so frightened about.

Mr. Wagner was bound
to discover it anyway.

There's nothing he can do now.

I'm going down and face him.

- Maybe the kid's right.
- Come on. Let's go down.

Where do you think you're going?
Get in there.

- You can't keep me here.
- Oh, can't we?

- The house dicks.
- Get in there, corn-fed, and be quick!

- You can't do this. I'm the author.
- Here's your hat.

Oh, what's the use? I give up.

I've got actors in the dressing room,
scenery on-stage...

...and an audience in the theater.

And I've got to sit in a hotel room on
opening night, waiting to be arrested.

Gee, I never thought I'd be arrested
for writing a play.

Curtain goes up in 20 minutes.

Nineteen minutes.

Hilda and I were gonna be married
right after the opening.

Congratulations.

- Gee, I guess they'll take our fingerprints.
- They got mine.

- You've been in jail?
- Sure. It's not bad.

You behave yourself,
they make you a trustee.

If we only had some money,
we could bribe those hotel dicks.

Maybe the hotel
would advance us some.

And stay in there!

The quartet is complete.

What will we do now,
sing "Sweet Adeline"?

I got an idea. Let's turn on a fire alarm.

- We start a riot, then duck out.
- Can't have a fire alarm without a fire.

All right, then let's have a fire.

Well, even with a fire,
we still got 15 more minutes.

Any more brilliant ideas, Binelli?

How about the window?

How high up are we?

No. That's too high.

You know, there must be
an easier way of killing yourself.

I once killed myself.

I mean, that was my initiation
into the fraternity.

They made me do
a phony suicide act.

I scared the chemistry professor stiff.

Say, this chemistry professor...

...he really believed
you committed suicide?

Oh, yes. He was gonna send
for an ambulance.

That's just what I was thinking.

- We carry him out?
- Of course.

He drinks poison,
we rush him to the hospital.

- They have to let us through.
- That sounds great!

Don't forget you haven't got
three professors out there.

We'll make it look authentic.
Davis, go into the bathroom.

We go in the hall screaming.
They rush in, there you are.

- Dead as a herring.
- No, not dead, just dying.

You're still living. That's why
we're rushing you to the hospital.

Then after you carry me out,
we sneak in the theater and see the show.

Exactly.

You wouldn't think I came from Oswego
five days ago.

Hey, Faker, come here.

You help Davis. You go into the bathroom
and count up to 50 before you start dying.

I know what to do.

Well...

...how did you like
my little surprise?

In about 15 minutes,
when the show's in full swing...

...the sheriffs will take the scenery
off the stage.

- Wagner...
- In view of the audience!

I'll call my lawyer
who will get the sheriffs.

Mr. Wagner, please.

What's that?

Who's in there?

Good heavens!

He committed suicide!

Davis, Davis, here!

- Oh, you... You drove me to it.
- What have you done?

Give me that bottle!

Get him some water!

- This is terrible.
- He drank a whole bottle of poison.

Here.

- That's the poison you're giving him!
- Why didn't you stop him?

I didn't take him seriously when he said
you were driving him to suicide.

I suppose I'll have to testify to that
at the inquest.

Don't stand there, Gribble!
Do something, you idiot!

- Get the doctor!
- Call an ambulance?

No, you blockhead!
That means publicity.

He's going fast.

Oh, no, wait. No, wait. No, wait.

An antidote! That'll do it.
Run down to the drugstore...

...and send those house dicks away.
We must keep this quiet.

- He's turning blue.
- Oh, we must do something.

We've got to save him.
Miller, you work on him.

Don't let him die!

Jumping butterballs!

This is our chance to see the show.

The minute he finds out you're not dying,
he'll stop the show.

There's only one thing for you to do.
Keep on dying for two and a half hours.

- What?
- Till the show's over.

Well, why? I wanna see the show.

If you don't keep on dying,
there'll be no show.

I don't know whether I can keep it up
for two and a half hours.

- It's all right. We'll help you.
- Leo!

- Leo. Mr. Gribble said you were dying.
- It's only a plot, darling. I'm all right.

Hilda, we gotta pretend that Leo is dying,
or Wagner will close the show.

- Oh, I'm beginning to understand.
- Good. Keep an eye on the show.

If anything goes wrong,
come up and tell us.

Just like a play, isn't it?
All right, darling, I'll do my best.

If I don't come back, it's good news.

And if you do come back,
bring four bottles of poison.

Hurry up, before they come back.
And groan, grunt, stagger about.

Don't die too soon. You must take your
time. And you mustn't die before 11:00.

Don't you worry.

I'll give you the best performance
you ever saw in a hotel bedroom.

That's the spirit.

- Come on.
- Good luck, Davis. Drop dead.

Are you sure we've got enough?

- This had better do it.
- Nobody committed suicide...

...in this hotel before. Miller, give him
a dose of ipecac. Give him plenty.

- Come on, Gribble! You're all thumbs!
- I'm going as fast as I can.

Come on, Davis. A little ipecac wouldn't
hurt you. Come on. There you are.

Here, here. Somebody take this
and give it to him.

Oh, come on. Come on.

I'm being as fast as I can.

Right down there.

- This will bring him out of it.
- I'm so ashamed.

- You're gonna be fine.
- Here.

Hurry, Gribble, hurry.
You don't seem to be doing anything.

How are you now? We always used
to use this when we were kids.

Hurry, Gribble.

- Put some more eggs in there!
- There you are. There's two eggs.

- Can't you groan any more?
- If I groan once more...

...that ipecac will come up
and spoil the whole show.

Well, in that case, consider yourself dead.

He's dying.

- It's all over. His heart has ceased beating.
- What a horrible end.

Such a young man.

All he said was, "Mother."

On the stage downstairs, they have
barely begun your immortal second act.

While up here, you have already
finished your last act.

Too soon.

Too soon.

He died too soon.

An hour too soon.

- I'll never forgive myself for this.
- Oh, now, don't take it too hard.

- We should have sent for an outside doctor.
- But he kept recovering!

And dying!

And recovering again!

- It all happened so suddenly.
- Yes, too darn suddenly.

Every time we gave him the ipecac,
he seemed to get better.

Maybe we should have given him
more ipecac.

As a matter of fact,
I think we gave him too much.

If we could only bring him back.

An hour ago, we were
at each other's throats.

And now...

Thing like this makes you realize.

It certainly does.

You struggle for money!

What good is it?

- You never know who's next.
- Yes. Here today, gone tomorrow.

Goodbye, Leo.

Good night, sweet prince.

Well, I guess we've all
gotta go sometime.

It's too bad he didn't die at the Astor.

- You mean, it's bad for the hotel?
- Well, it isn't good.

There's bound to be a scandal.

Oh, well, I guess I may as well
notify the police.

- Wait, is that necessary?
- It's the law.

- But if we could arrange...
- What?

Well, if his body wasn't found
in the hotel proper.

Well, naturally, it would help us.

- We could dump him in the alley.
- Oh, no, no!

How can you be so sacrilegious?

The body not cold yet.
What are you thinking of?

I won't violate the law!
I have to call the police.

Listen, there's no hotel law that prevents
guests from carrying out a drunken friend.

- We lug him out the back.
- Into the theater.

- He'd be found in a seat.
- "The author saw his play and took poison."

- Instead of a suicide, you have a mystery.
- It wouldn't happen in the hotel.

- No, I'm sorry. I've got to call the police.
- Just a minute, Mr. Wagner.

- Don't phone yet.
- Why not?

Well, before they take him from us,
couldn't we say a few words over him?

That's the least we could do.

Well, yes, of course.

I...

My friends, my heart is too full
to say what I really think.

Davis is no longer with us.

It doesn't seem possible.

He was a great playwright
who died too soon.

Yes. Well, now...

Amen.

Yes.

He's not in the county hospital.

Shall I phone for the police now, Wagner?

I'll do it. This whole thing
was my responsibility.

- You go downstairs. I'll phone the police.
- All right, Wagner.

- Get me...
- Please. That's the same phone he used...

...when he spoke to his mother
up in Oswego, only an hour ago.

All right.

Now, remember. I don't feel
responsible for his death.

I never knowingly hurt anybody in my life.

"Wagner drove me to my death
just as he drove Leo Davis."

Wagner, you and I have to
dispose of this dead body.

- Maybe we could sell it to medical students.
- Not with conditions the way they are.

- Come on, we'll dump him in the alley.
- Me, carry him? I couldn't do that.

We'll just pretend he's drunk.
Give me a hand.

- I can't! That dagger, that paper!
- I'll dispose of the dagger.

Come on, Wagner.
We have no time to lose.

- He's not cold yet!
- I'll fix that. I'll phone for some ice.

Hello, room service. Send up
enough ice to cool a warm body.

- Use the service elevator.
- I won't have him insulted.

- He'll go with the regular passengers.
- Well, someone might see us!

Come on.

- I can't stand this much longer.
- Take it easy. We'll dump him right here.

- We're doomed.
- Take it easy.

Mr. Miller, your show
is certainly going great.

- Well, that's fine.
- What have you got there?

Where? Oh, there.

One of my actors. He passed out
from the excitement.

- He's in the third act, and look at him.
- You'd think he was dead.

Yes, wouldn't you?

- Friend looks like he had a snootful too.
- Yes, but he'll get over it.

Come on, Wagner.

- How are you, Mr. Miller?
- How's it going?

- It's a terrific hit, Mr. Miller.
- For a little light.

For this, Washington and Lincoln lived!

And although I speak to you
with a foreign accent...

...still I speak for a newer...

...a freer America!

You win, Vladek.

- They're crazy about it.
- What about the other dead man?

With a hit like this, we'll give him
the biggest funeral this town has ever had.

Author! Author! Author!

It isn't over yet.

- Not have won except for the sacrifice
of our late comrade...

...who gave his life that we might win.

Bring the body in.

Let us pay it the last moment
of reverence.

It's going great guns,
isn't it, Mr. Wagner?

Yeah, man.

Sure enough!