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1
00:00:30,490 --> 00:00:32,701
(CROWD CHEERING)
2
00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:50,885
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!
3
00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:56,558
ANNOUNCER:
Reggie Jackson having
an incredible night.
4
00:00:56,641 --> 00:01:00,437
Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,
5
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,355
and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.
6
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:03,565
ALL: (CHANTING)
Reggie! Reggie!
7
00:01:03,690 --> 00:01:05,150
ANNOUNCER:
And just listen
to that crowd.
8
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:07,152
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Reggie! Reggie!
9
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:09,362
Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!
10
00:01:10,155 --> 00:01:12,073
Come on, Reggie!
Hit another one!
11
00:01:12,157 --> 00:01:13,616
Hit another home run!
12
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:15,827
Coop, he's already hit two.
13
00:01:16,995 --> 00:01:19,706
ANNOUNCER: It's a fly ball
to right, and deep.
(CHEERING)
14
00:01:20,749 --> 00:01:23,626
That's going to be way back.
15
00:01:23,710 --> 00:01:27,046
And that's going to be gone!
Yeah!
16
00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:31,092
Reggie Jackson hits
his third home run
of the game.
17
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,803
LITTLE REMER:
Whoo! All right!
18
00:01:42,729 --> 00:01:45,190
Good catch, Coop.
I can't believe it.
19
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:47,942
I mean, I totally had it,
but my glasses slipped.
20
00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:49,277
You know what, Remer,
21
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,779
someday I'm going to become
22
00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:52,030
a big sports star, too.
23
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,948
Whatever you say,
Coop.
24
00:01:54,032 --> 00:01:57,035
You just watch me, dude.
You just watch me.
25
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:00,997
NARRATOR:
There was a time in America
26
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,291
when contests of
athletic prowess
27
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:06,252
were a metaphor for
the nobility of man.
28
00:02:06,503 --> 00:02:09,756
Historic moments,
forged by
the love of the game,
29
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:13,384
celebrated the human potential
to achieve excellence.
30
00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:17,764
But as time passed and
the country
neared the millennium,
31
00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,849
something went awry.
32
00:02:19,933 --> 00:02:23,019
ANNOUNCER:
Manning rolls right.
He's got to plow to the ten,
33
00:02:23,102 --> 00:02:26,648
the five... Touchdown Dallas!
34
00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:28,942
NARRATOR:
The ideal of sportsmanship
35
00:02:29,025 --> 00:02:33,196
began to take a back seat
to excessive celebration.
36
00:02:34,906 --> 00:02:36,908
(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
37
00:02:41,496 --> 00:02:44,374
The athletes caring less
about executing the play
38
00:02:44,457 --> 00:02:46,501
than planning
the vulgar grandstanding
39
00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:51,422
that inevitably followed
even the most pedestrian
of accomplishments.
40
00:02:52,507 --> 00:02:57,428
The games
themselves became subordinate
to the quest for money.
41
00:02:58,805 --> 00:03:01,015
Stadiums and arenas
42
00:03:01,099 --> 00:03:03,351
became nothing more
than giant billboards
43
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:05,603
to promote
commercial products.
44
00:03:07,856 --> 00:03:11,067
(REPORTERS APPLAUDING)
Players sold their services
to the highest bidder,
45
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,611
much like the hired guns
of the Old West.
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
46
00:03:13,695 --> 00:03:16,447
Thank you. And after playing
for New England,
47
00:03:16,531 --> 00:03:21,452
San Diego, Houston,
St. Louis, a year for
the Toronto Argonauts,
48
00:03:21,536 --> 00:03:23,955
plus one season as a greeter
at the Desert Inn,
49
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,876
I'm happy to finally play here
in the fine city of Miami.
(APPLAUSE)
50
00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:29,085
(CROWD MURMURING)
51
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:30,503
Minnesota.
52
00:03:31,588 --> 00:03:33,840
Whatever. Shit.
53
00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:37,552
NARRATOR: Soon it was
commonplace for entire teams
to change cities
54
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:39,012
in search of greater profits.
55
00:03:39,095 --> 00:03:42,682
The Minneapolis Lakers
moved to Los Angeles,
where there are no lakes.
56
00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,476
The Oilers moved to Tennessee,
where there is no oil.
57
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,771
The Jazz moved
to Salt Lake City,
where they don't allow music.
58
00:03:48,855 --> 00:03:52,775
The Oakland Raiders
moved to LA,
and then back to Oakland.
59
00:03:52,859 --> 00:03:55,236
No one in Los Angeles
seemed to notice.
60
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,698
The search for
greener pastures
went on unabated.
61
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,743
Continued expansion
diluted the talent pool,
62
00:04:01,826 --> 00:04:03,453
forcing owners
to recruit heavily
63
00:04:03,536 --> 00:04:07,165
from prisons,
mental institutions
and Texas.
64
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:10,501
(GRUNTING)
Fist fighting and brawling
permeated every sport,
65
00:04:10,627 --> 00:04:13,087
overshadowing any
athletic competition.
(GROANS)
66
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,882
(SHOUTS)
As the problems mounted,
67
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:19,802
the fans became less
and less interested.
68
00:04:19,886 --> 00:04:23,681
To reverse the trend,
major sports
started inter-league play.
69
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:27,352
When that novelty wore off,
they tried inter-sports play.
70
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:29,312
(HEAVY GRUNT)
(CROWD CHEERING)
71
00:04:29,771 --> 00:04:32,732
(GROANS)
But no matter how far
the major sports went,
72
00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:35,818
it wasn't enough
to bring the fans back.
73
00:04:35,902 --> 00:04:38,988
The spirit of athletic
competition, however,
74
00:04:39,072 --> 00:04:40,823
indeed was not dead.
75
00:04:40,907 --> 00:04:45,286
Its seed merely lay dormant
in the dreams of the young.
76
00:04:45,662 --> 00:04:49,624
LITTLE COOP: You know, Remer,
someday I'm going to be
a big sports star.
77
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:54,087
(URINE TRICKLING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
78
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:58,049
You know, Remer,
someday I'm going to own
a big sports bar.
79
00:04:59,217 --> 00:05:01,260
Hurry it up, Coop.
80
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:04,138
Hold on. I just got
to water the plants.
81
00:05:04,222 --> 00:05:05,890
(ZIPS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
82
00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:09,227
I don't want to go
to a party with a bunch
of losers from high school.
83
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,979
But, dude, this is
Brittany Kaiser's house,
84
00:05:11,062 --> 00:05:12,647
and I really,
really want to fuck her.
85
00:05:14,357 --> 00:05:16,442
Dr. Kaiser.
Dr. Kaiser.
86
00:05:16,526 --> 00:05:18,236
Coop and Remer.
87
00:05:19,612 --> 00:05:21,614
We graduated
with Brittany.
88
00:05:21,698 --> 00:05:22,991
You graduated?
89
00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:25,994
(BOTH LAUGH)
Of course we graduated,
cock. Beer?
90
00:05:26,536 --> 00:05:28,579
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
91
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:32,875
Man, this place looks like
a Dockers commercial.
92
00:05:32,959 --> 00:05:36,587
Oh, hey, Steph!
Coop! Remer!
93
00:05:36,671 --> 00:05:38,965
Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, my God!
94
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:42,051
You guys haven't
changed since high school.
(LAUGHS)
95
00:05:42,135 --> 00:05:44,971
Oh, cool.
No, it isn't.
(LAUGHS)
96
00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:49,308
Cock.
97
00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:53,062
Hey, Skidmark Steve!
Oh, cool.
Hey, dude!
98
00:05:53,146 --> 00:05:55,481
You still just hanging out,
playing Nintendo?
99
00:05:55,565 --> 00:05:58,359
Well, if you must know,
I'm in my second year
of med school
100
00:05:58,443 --> 00:06:00,361
and I'm training
for the Summer Games.
101
00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:04,407
What are you two up to?
Just hanging out.
102
00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,159
Playing Nintendo.
Cock.
103
00:06:06,451 --> 00:06:07,535
(SCOFFS)
104
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,162
TED: So, you looking forward
to getting out of here?
105
00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:10,913
Yeah, I'm all packed.
It should be fun.
106
00:06:10,997 --> 00:06:12,582
Hi, Brittany.
107
00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:15,835
Coop, Remer.
108
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,463
I didn't think
you guys would show up.
109
00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:21,674
Well, we wouldn't
miss your party.
No, I mean...
110
00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:24,635
I don't remember putting you
on the guest list.
Huh.
111
00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:27,138
Well, uh, Ted told us
about it.
112
00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,182
Excuse me.
113
00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,642
Ted, why would you tell
those losers about my party?
(EXCLAIMING)
114
00:06:31,726 --> 00:06:33,102
TED: I... I didn't...
BRITTANY:
What are you doing?
115
00:06:33,186 --> 00:06:34,937
(SIGHS) Man,
this party sucks.
Let's bail.
116
00:06:35,063 --> 00:06:36,898
No, dude. Let's go up
to Brittany's room.
117
00:06:37,315 --> 00:06:39,400
(WATER RUNNING)
118
00:06:39,484 --> 00:06:41,402
Remer! Come in here.
119
00:06:42,487 --> 00:06:44,363
Check it out.
120
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,284
Brittany's underwear,
dude.
121
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,453
Oh, dude.
122
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:52,121
(SNIFFING)
123
00:06:52,622 --> 00:06:55,249
Dude! Dude! Dude! Oh!
(VIBRATING)
124
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:57,585
Oh, I am
so jealous of you.
125
00:06:57,752 --> 00:06:59,420
Oh, God!
126
00:07:00,213 --> 00:07:02,048
(MOANING)
127
00:07:02,131 --> 00:07:04,217
Excuse me.
Brittany.
128
00:07:05,176 --> 00:07:07,553
What are you guys doing
in my mom's room?
129
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,182
Aw!
130
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:14,185
Aw! Aw! Aw!
131
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,771
Get out of here!
Uh...
132
00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:18,189
(VIBRATOR CLATTERING)
133
00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:19,941
Oh, geez!
(GASPS) Ugh...
134
00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:21,025
Uh... Derp!
135
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:26,322
Dude, we're never going
to get a chick like
Brittany Kaiser, are we?
136
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,032
Or any other chick.
137
00:07:28,116 --> 00:07:30,159
But it's only 'cause
we have no jobs,
138
00:07:30,243 --> 00:07:32,286
and our rent check's
three months overdue,
139
00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:34,497
and our gas is
about to get shut off.
140
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,001
What do girls
want anyway?
141
00:07:39,085 --> 00:07:42,255
Well, apparently,
not total losers.
142
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:44,799
REMER: We're pretty good
at basketball.
143
00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:48,636
Yeah, as long as we don't
have to run or jump
or dribble or nothing.
144
00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:49,887
You know what I mean?
145
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,889
That shit's
overrated anyway.
COOPER: Yeah.
146
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,141
TED: Hey!
147
00:07:53,808 --> 00:07:56,686
You guys up
for a little game?
Sure.
148
00:07:56,978 --> 00:07:58,813
Well, let's make
it interesting.
149
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,398
Say 20 bucks?
150
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,567
How about 50?
151
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:05,570
You're on. Let's go.
MAN: Let's go, here we go.
(LAUGHING)
152
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:07,321
Dude, we don't
have 50 bucks.
153
00:08:07,405 --> 00:08:08,865
We don't have 20.
154
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,909
Look, it doesn't matter.
How good can they be?
155
00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:14,662
To the lane, baby!
That's pretty!
156
00:08:15,872 --> 00:08:16,998
Oh!
Come here, baby.
157
00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:18,207
Oh, shit!
158
00:08:18,249 --> 00:08:21,586
Alley-oop!
Alley-oop! Yeah!
All right!
159
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:24,380
Come on, ladies.
We playing or not?
160
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:29,260
Yeah, but not that
pussy ass two-on-two
you guys play in the suburbs.
161
00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:31,596
What, you guys got
something better?
162
00:08:31,721 --> 00:08:35,933
Yeah, but it's this new game
we picked up in the hood.
163
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:39,353
So, what is it?
Okay. Okay.
164
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,273
I shoot from
wherever I want, right?
165
00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:45,902
And then you have
to make that same shot
or else you get a letter.
166
00:08:46,194 --> 00:08:48,070
(SCOFFS)
You mean like Horse?
167
00:08:48,196 --> 00:08:50,615
No! It's not
like Horse!
(BOTH SCOFFING)
168
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,742
(SCOFFING CONTINUES)
169
00:08:53,117 --> 00:08:55,453
Duh. It's, uh...
170
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:58,289
It's baseball rules.
171
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,041
Yeah.
172
00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:02,126
Like, a single's from
the free throw line.
173
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:04,462
Right. And a double's
from the top of the key.
174
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,547
You can't shoot from
the same place twice.
175
00:09:06,631 --> 00:09:10,718
A triple's from back here,
and a home run's from
behind the meatballs.
176
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,137
You miss,
you get an out. Ready?
Break!
177
00:09:13,221 --> 00:09:15,890
Whoa. What?
We can explain it
more slowly
178
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:19,101
if you need us to.
You're not
big sports guys?
179
00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:23,272
No, no.
No, no, no. We get it.
We get it, man.
180
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,234
REMER: Losers up first.
181
00:09:26,317 --> 00:09:29,320
So, what,
let me get this straight.
This is a single, right?
182
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,489
Yeah, and a home run's
behind the meatballs.
183
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,574
Come on,
take your shot, guy.
184
00:09:36,494 --> 00:09:37,828
What is that, man?
Oh, that's one out.
185
00:09:37,954 --> 00:09:39,247
You can't spit beer at me
when I'm shooting.
186
00:09:39,330 --> 00:09:40,498
That's the way
we play in the hood.
187
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:41,999
I can do whatever I want
to make you miss your shot.
188
00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:43,751
He's right.
That's one out.
One out.
189
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,086
One out?
190
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:47,630
Give me the damn ball!
191
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,177
I fucked your sister.
Huh?
192
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:58,516
Coop lines up for a double.
Okay, guys, second and third.
193
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:02,520
Coop's got a runner on third.
This could bring him home.
194
00:10:03,354 --> 00:10:05,356
(COOPER MOCKING)
195
00:10:08,401 --> 00:10:09,986
Yes! Two outs!
God, this is...
196
00:10:10,069 --> 00:10:11,279
TED: Come on!
197
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,282
Oh!
(CROWD GASPS)
198
00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:15,741
Ted Nugent.
TED: Oh!
199
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:19,495
Oh! Tip-in. Double play.
That's three outs.
200
00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:20,663
What?
We're up.
201
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,707
That's a double play,
jackass.
202
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,166
REMER: That's nice.
Real nice.
203
00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:26,585
Bottom of the eighth.
This could almost seal it.
204
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,172
Oh, he made
that look easy.
205
00:10:31,424 --> 00:10:33,342
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(GROANS)
206
00:10:33,426 --> 00:10:36,262
Damn it!
Come on, man! What...
207
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:39,348
Oh, one of
Brittany's mom's
pubic hairs.
208
00:10:39,432 --> 00:10:40,725
Oh, God!
(CROWD GROANING)
209
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:42,059
Ugh!
210
00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:44,228
Come on, man!
Dude, we win the game!
211
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:47,106
Dude, that was
a sweet psyche out.
Oh, dude, here's another one.
212
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,734
Oh, come here.
REMER: What the hell's
up with that?
213
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:53,237
We win,
and they get the chicks.
That sucks, dude.
214
00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:56,157
Dude, I'm telling you,
it's jobs.
We got to get jobs.
215
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,909
Then we get the khakis.
Then we get the chicks.
216
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:01,912
Starting tomorrow,
we got to stop
playing games.
217
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,833
Miss it.
Steve Perry.
218
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:09,003
Steve Perry.
(GROANS)
219
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:10,671
Yes! Three outs. I'm up.
220
00:11:10,755 --> 00:11:12,340
All right.
It's the bottom
of the fifth.
221
00:11:12,423 --> 00:11:14,050
SQUEAK: Joseph R. Cooper?
222
00:11:15,176 --> 00:11:16,844
That's a single.
Man on first.
223
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,012
Are you Joe Cooper?
224
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,056
Cut the crap, Squeak.
You know who I am.
225
00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:22,516
Gentlemen,
this form authorizes me
to enter onto your property
226
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,976
and terminate
services forthwith
227
00:11:24,060 --> 00:11:25,853
until all delinquent payments
have been generated.
228
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,023
What?
Dude, he's here
to shut off the gas.
229
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:32,443
Squeak, dude, you work
for the gas company now?
230
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:35,279
Gentlemen...
Double!
Guy on second and third.
231
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,450
Is your canine locked up
and/or safely secured
within your domicile?
232
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,120
Uh, yeah. He's at the vet
getting his claws removed.
233
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:44,872
Then if you'll excuse me.
234
00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,875
Dude, does it
just suck being you?
235
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,544
I'll show those guys
what sucks.
236
00:11:50,628 --> 00:11:52,713
COOPER: Steve Perry.
Steve Perry.
237
00:11:52,797 --> 00:11:54,924
(SINGING)
I should have been gone
238
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,050
(SLOSHES)
239
00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,135
COOPER:
Oh, yeah, he misses.
Oh, damn it.
240
00:11:58,219 --> 00:11:59,845
REMER: You said no more
Journey psyche outs.
241
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,222
COOPER: Dude,
I'm running out of ideas.
242
00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:05,393
(BARKING, GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
243
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:06,936
It should be easier
than that...
244
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,604
That's why we have
this little short shot
245
00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,606
from over here.
Short shot.
Kind of like a bunt.
246
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,483
Exactly, it doesn't put
any runners on base.
Oh, yeah.
247
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,818
Yeah, that's
a sweet idea.
248
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,653
You lied to me!
Again!
249
00:12:16,487 --> 00:12:18,739
Oh, right. I guess
the dog's vet appointment's
tomorrow, isn't it?
250
00:12:18,823 --> 00:12:21,492
We took the cat in today.
Honest mistake, Squeak.
Sorry.
251
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:23,994
My name's not Squeak!
All right? It's Kenny!
252
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,788
COOPER: All right, all right,
all right, you little bitch.
253
00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:27,498
Here, why don't
you take a shot.
254
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,503
I don't want to take a shot.
I want to turn off your gas.
255
00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:34,255
And don't call me bitch.
256
00:12:34,338 --> 00:12:36,424
Okay. Squeak.
Let's just shoot for it.
257
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:39,176
Shoot for it?
What, are you insane?
258
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:41,053
This is my job,
you assholes.
259
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:42,304
Look, it's a good deal.
260
00:12:42,388 --> 00:12:44,390
All you got to do
is make a single
from right here
261
00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:48,185
and you can shut off our gas,
and we'll never
call you Squeak again.
262
00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:49,854
Or bitch.
263
00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:51,730
Or bitch.
Or bitch.
264
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:57,778
From right here?
BOTH: Mmm-hmm.
265
00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,699
All right.
Check this shit out.
266
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,951
Steve Perry.
Huh?
267
00:13:05,286 --> 00:13:06,996
REMER: Ohh...
(DOG WHIMPERING)
268
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,372
(DOG GROWLING)
Tough break, Squeak.
269
00:13:08,456 --> 00:13:10,082
Now you got to fetch
the ball, bitch.
270
00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:11,542
(RABID GROWLING)
271
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:16,005
(CHEERING)
272
00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:18,549
Come on, Squeak!
We can win the game
with this one, baby.
273
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:20,134
Bring me home.
274
00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:24,555
Yes! That's it!
We win the game!
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
275
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,934
REMER: Dude,
we got five runs
that inning.
276
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,144
You know,
this game is pretty badass.
277
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,729
MAN: All right.
Another game? You're up.
278
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,731
Top of the first.
279
00:13:34,106 --> 00:13:36,901
Yo, Tyler.
I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak.
280
00:13:37,026 --> 00:13:38,569
What? Oh!
281
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,863
Mark me down for
another psyche out.
Hey.
282
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,448
I'm not going out
with his sister.
283
00:13:42,573 --> 00:13:44,325
Dude, that's the defense.
You got to psyche them out!
284
00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:46,118
Yeah, we've got to say
totally fucked up shit
285
00:13:46,202 --> 00:13:47,369
to make sure
the other guy misses.
286
00:13:47,453 --> 00:13:49,371
Oh, right. Okay.
287
00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:50,581
Hey, wait a minute!
288
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:53,000
Why is me going out
with his sister
totally fucked up?
289
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:55,628
Yo, Pierce. I hear your mom
is going out with Squeak!
290
00:13:55,711 --> 00:13:56,754
Whoa!
291
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,714
Oh, yes!
Two outs!
292
00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:00,508
Okay, so you're going
to owe one-twelfth
of the rent,
293
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:02,468
one-twelfth of the water bill,
one-twelfth of the power bill,
294
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:05,137
one-twelfth of
the cable bill...
Dude! Check it out.
295
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:07,264
What's that?
It's a BASEketball.
296
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,309
Whoa, dude,
you made a ball?
Out of what?
297
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:17,816
Dude, I can't believe
those asswipes fired you
298
00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:20,110
for not shutting off
our gas for six weeks.
299
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,404
It was losing the truck
that pissed them off
the most.
300
00:14:22,488 --> 00:14:24,615
Well, you can camp
out here for a while.
301
00:14:24,782 --> 00:14:26,617
Well, this is pretty sweet.
302
00:14:26,951 --> 00:14:28,536
Does this couch
fold out to a bed?
303
00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:31,330
Yeah, a totally great bed.
But that's Jenkins' bed.
304
00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:33,123
Your bed's over here.
305
00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:37,211
Dude, that is
so fucking weak!
306
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,338
How am I supposed
to get a chick in that?
307
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:40,923
Oh, don't worry, dude.
You couldn't get a chick
308
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,467
if you had
a hundred dollar bill
hanging out of your zipper.
309
00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:46,345
Yeah, I could.
No, dude.
You're a little bitch.
310
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,180
I am not!
311
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,015
I don't even know
why I hang out
with you guys.
312
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:53,060
'Cause you're
a piece of shit.
I am not a piece of shit!
313
00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:54,937
Well, yeah,
but you're a little bitch.
Sure are.
314
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:59,608
God damn it, man! I swear,
you guys rip on me
13 or 14 more times,
315
00:14:59,692 --> 00:15:01,110
I'm out of here!
316
00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:04,989
Yeah, whatever.
Dude, I got to show you
this scoreboard I made.
317
00:15:05,823 --> 00:15:08,075
Your place is
a shithole anyway!
318
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,915
Well, at least
I'm on the team.
319
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,544
Yeah. They want me...
320
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,629
(SCREAMING)
(SNARLING)
321
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,965
Joe Bryant, WIGN.
(CROWD CHEERING)
322
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:25,175
At the scene
where an unusual
new driveway game
323
00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:27,428
has captured
the imagination of at least
one neighborhood...
324
00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:29,096
REPORTER 2: The young and old
have gathered here tonight,
325
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:30,431
really enjoying
this championship game...
326
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:33,183
REPORTER 3: An entire league
has sprung up
around this quirky...
327
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:37,688
REPORTER 4: The round robin,
starting with 12 teams
in June, now down to just two,
328
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:41,692
including, we're told,
the inventors of the game,
childhood friends...
329
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,695
ANNOUNCER: (ON MIC)
It's off the rim,
could be a double play.
330
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,989
Maxwell tips...
331
00:15:49,158 --> 00:15:51,201
Newman's try...
332
00:15:52,036 --> 00:15:55,539
No! Shirts have a shot
at the conversion.
333
00:15:57,166 --> 00:15:58,709
Remer...
334
00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,130
Keeps it alive.
335
00:16:03,631 --> 00:16:04,882
Last chance.
336
00:16:05,341 --> 00:16:07,343
Coop up...
337
00:16:08,552 --> 00:16:10,721
Good! They make
the conversion!
(CHEERING)
338
00:16:10,846 --> 00:16:15,059
And the home run counts!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
339
00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:20,814
Yeah!
340
00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:22,483
ANNOUNCER: What a game!
341
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:26,570
The Shirts win
the World Championship
of BASEketball!
342
00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:28,113
Yeah!
343
00:16:29,073 --> 00:16:30,574
Gentlemen.
344
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,117
Gentlemen.
345
00:16:33,744 --> 00:16:36,330
Gentlemen,
I'm Ted Denslow.
346
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,582
Ted Denslow,
the billionaire?
Yes.
347
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:42,086
Anyway, I like
your little game here.
How'd you like to go pro?
348
00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:44,088
(SCOFFS) BASEketball?
349
00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:47,966
I got three words for you,
National BASEketball League.
350
00:16:48,384 --> 00:16:51,345
We're not interested.
Now, wait a minute.
Hear me out.
351
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:54,973
Now, you kids
with your loud music
and your Dan Fogelberg,
352
00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:58,852
your Zima hula hoops
and Pac Man video games,
353
00:16:58,936 --> 00:17:00,479
don't you see?
354
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:02,856
People today
have attention spans
355
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:06,110
that can only be measured
in nanoseconds.
356
00:17:06,819 --> 00:17:08,362
(BIRD TWEETING)
357
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,323
I hear you.
358
00:17:11,407 --> 00:17:12,950
Just look at these people.
359
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,326
GROUP: Whoa!
360
00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:16,328
I can see they feel...
Way to go, Coop.
361
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,747
...a certain connection
with you as players.
362
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,209
BASEketball,
we can start fresh.
363
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:28,006
Not allow teams
to change cities
or players to be traded.
364
00:17:28,132 --> 00:17:30,342
And everybody will
get paid the same!
365
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,887
Just like when I was a kid,
and players were
treated like, like...
366
00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:35,347
Indentured servants?
367
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:41,687
Yes! And the real
beauty of this game
is anyone can play.
368
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,690
Any normal Joe
can be a sports hero.
369
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:46,984
Haven't you ever wanted
to be a sports hero?
370
00:17:48,152 --> 00:17:51,864
Sure, once.
But that was
a long time ago.
371
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,533
Well, if I know anything
about this country,
372
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,994
America will go nuts
for BASEketball!
(YELLING)
373
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,954
I mean America
will go crazy
for BASEketball!
374
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,414
Help! Oh my God!
375
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:05,544
Yes! There!
Just listen to that crowd!
Listen to that crowd!
376
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:07,337
GIRL: Call an ambulance!
377
00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:09,339
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
378
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:11,216
(CROWD CHEERING)
379
00:18:12,551 --> 00:18:16,430
(SINGING)
I say she never cared
and that she never will
380
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:21,685
To do it all again,
I guess I'll have
to wait until then
381
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:26,106
If I get drunk,
well, the better
I'll understand my baby
382
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,817
You won't bother me
no more
383
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:35,407
And if you're drinkin',
well, you know that you're
my friend, and I'll say
384
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:37,826
I think I'll have myself
a beer
385
00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:52,424
COSTAS: Ninth inning,
the Beers still behind
by 3 runs, and now
386
00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:53,759
down to their last out.
387
00:18:53,884 --> 00:18:57,346
And the pressure
on these players
has got to be enormous.
388
00:18:57,429 --> 00:19:00,140
All right, you guys,
we've got one out left.
389
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:02,267
We're not beat yet,
we can still win this thing.
390
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,727
Can we do it?
ALL: Yeah!
391
00:19:03,811 --> 00:19:05,062
Can we do it?
ALL: Yeah!
392
00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:09,650
MICHAELS: And what a game
these fans are seeing.
393
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,611
That gentleman, of course,
Beers owner Ted Denslow,
394
00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:15,197
the father of
professional BASEketball,
395
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,407
along with his
lovely new wife, Yvette.
396
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:24,623
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA)
Now shooting, number 44,
Coop "Airman" Cooper!
397
00:19:25,249 --> 00:19:28,669
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
398
00:19:28,961 --> 00:19:31,505
MICHAELS: Coop is heading
for the triple square,
and Bob Costas,
399
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:35,968
this has to be one of the
most exciting BASEketball
games in recent memory.
400
00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:40,013
Hard to believe that just
five years ago this game was
played only on driveways.
401
00:19:40,097 --> 00:19:42,266
MICHAELS:
And it's hard to believe,
just 5 years ago,
402
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,643
those girls were
only in grade school.
403
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:51,942
So Coop at the triple line,
and Jansen sets up
for the psyche out.
404
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,112
Hey, Coop!
Be right with you, Dirk.
405
00:19:56,864 --> 00:19:58,866
MICHAELS: It's good!
COSTAS: Oh, nothing but net.
406
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:00,325
Coop triples again.
(CHEERING)
407
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,161
He's hit for the cycle
seven times tonight.
Damn, he tricked me!
408
00:20:03,537 --> 00:20:04,913
(CHEERING)
409
00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:12,421
Go, Coop!
Way to go, man!
You're the man!
410
00:20:12,588 --> 00:20:16,008
COSTAS: And listen
to those Foam Heads
doing the Beers chug.
411
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:18,802
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
412
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:20,804
Coop's on third with two down,
413
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,890
and that brings up
Squeak Scolari.
414
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,601
Oh, God, I knew
it was going to come down
to me. I just knew it!
415
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:27,769
Relax, dude, it's not
just you. We're a team!
416
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:29,688
And it all comes down
to just one man.
417
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:30,898
Oh, God!
418
00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:32,649
Listen to me, dude,
if I could have one guy
419
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:34,401
out there right now,
one guy, it'd be you!
420
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:37,446
Unfortunately, that one man
is Squeak Scolari.
421
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:40,073
Oh, shit!
Listen, pretend this
is just another game.
422
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:43,160
This Denslow Cup
is of course the biggest
game of the season.
423
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:45,495
Oh, Christ!
Will you turn
that shit off?
424
00:20:45,621 --> 00:20:47,581
I'm so scared! Man, I...
Listen to me,
you little bitch!
425
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,249
You either go out there
and make that shot,
426
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,334
or I'm going
to shove your head
427
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:52,586
so far up your fucking ass,
you have to wear
yourself as a hat!
428
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:55,130
And in the dugout,
Doug Remer giving
his teammate
429
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,840
some last-minute
encouragement.
430
00:20:57,674 --> 00:20:59,676
(BOTH YELLING)
431
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:01,678
Now go out there
and make that shot!
432
00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:04,222
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
433
00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:06,016
Fuck!
434
00:21:10,938 --> 00:21:15,025
COSTAS: The talented Felon
Girls appearing in their
third Denslow Cup game.
435
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:22,032
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA)
Now shooting, number 23,
Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari.
436
00:21:22,199 --> 00:21:23,951
(CHEERING)
437
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:26,578
(SINGING)
Let's go
438
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:29,957
MICHAELS: So Squeak Scolari
walks out to take the last
remaining single.
439
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,001
Come on, bitch!
440
00:21:33,835 --> 00:21:35,879
Hey Squeak, miss it!
Miss it!
441
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:37,923
(ALL CHEERING)
442
00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:40,717
MICHAELS: It's good!
And the Beers stay alive
in the ninth.
443
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,931
COSTAS: Dallas Felons
owner Baxter Cain
444
00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:47,975
hoping for another
Denslow Cup victory.
445
00:21:48,392 --> 00:21:53,355
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA)
Now shooting, number 17,
Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!
446
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:58,402
MICHAELS: Two on,
two out. Remer heads
to the double line.
447
00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:01,989
Hey, Remer!
You better make sure
your toe isn't over the line!
448
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:06,368
Hey, Jansen!
Nice psyche out,
dingleberry! Yes!
449
00:22:06,702 --> 00:22:09,162
MICHAELS: It's in!
It's now a two-run game.
450
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:12,499
Dirk Jansen apparently
missing another psyche out.
451
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:16,420
And everyone here
at Beers Garden
is on their feet.
452
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:18,755
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Coop! Coop! Coop!
453
00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:20,340
COSTAS: And now,
at a time like this,
454
00:22:20,424 --> 00:22:22,759
you can't help
thinking about
guys like John Elway.
455
00:22:22,843 --> 00:22:25,762
Guys who kept coming close,
and then finally got there.
456
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:27,264
(GAGS)
457
00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:31,518
If Coop can make this one,
the Beers' long wait
will be over.
458
00:22:31,601 --> 00:22:32,602
(CHOKING)
459
00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:36,356
Hey, Coop!
Looks like your boy Denslow
is about to buy the farm.
460
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,941
(YELLING)
Oh!
461
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,235
Whoa!
462
00:22:40,277 --> 00:22:43,113
Oh!
COSTAS: He missed! He missed,
I don't believe it.
463
00:22:43,238 --> 00:22:46,158
(CROWD BOOING)
The Felons win their
2nd consecutive Denslow Cup
464
00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:48,785
on the strength
of a Dirk Jansen psyche out.
Aw!
465
00:22:48,869 --> 00:22:50,996
I got you, dude,
I got you!
466
00:22:51,121 --> 00:22:53,206
Whoa, whoa!
Relax, dude! Relax!
What?
467
00:22:53,290 --> 00:22:54,374
Do the Happy Dance.
468
00:22:54,458 --> 00:22:55,959
Why do you want me
to do this?
We just lost the game!
469
00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:59,421
Do the Happy Dance!
Where's the singing?
470
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:01,798
Aw! I don't want to sing!
Do the singing!
Come on, sing.
471
00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:05,302
(SINGING)
Doing the Happy Dance
Doing the Happy Dance
472
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:08,472
Shit, Denslow!
473
00:23:08,597 --> 00:23:11,224
MICHAELS: And these Beers fans
have to be disappointed.
474
00:23:11,308 --> 00:23:15,062
What an unfortunate thing
to happen on Dozen Egg Night.
475
00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:19,149
(GROANING)
476
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:23,320
YVETTE: Help me!
Somebody help him!
My God!
477
00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:25,072
Mrs. Denslow,
if there's anything
you need.
478
00:23:25,155 --> 00:23:26,406
Oh, Teddy.
479
00:23:26,490 --> 00:23:28,950
I can't believe it.
He just fell over.
(GASPS)
480
00:23:29,284 --> 00:23:31,620
(GROANING)
REMER: Mrs. Denslow?
Mrs. Denslow!
481
00:23:31,703 --> 00:23:32,746
(BLOWING)
(GASPS)
482
00:23:32,829 --> 00:23:35,248
I wish there was
something I could do!
483
00:23:35,499 --> 00:23:37,084
(GROANING)
I know, Mr. Denslow,
484
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:38,835
they stopped serving them
after the seventh inning.
485
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,171
Somebody get this man
a hot dog!
486
00:23:43,548 --> 00:23:44,633
(EXHALES)
487
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:46,218
(GRUNTS)
488
00:23:46,301 --> 00:23:48,804
CAIN: You're absolutely right,
Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero,
489
00:23:48,887 --> 00:23:50,931
because his vision
brought BASEketball
490
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,016
from neighborhood driveways
into big arenas,
491
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:55,060
but more importantly,
into the hearts
and TVs of America.
492
00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,269
It's a very sad day.
493
00:23:56,394 --> 00:23:59,147
Yee-haw!
His untimely death
cast an unbearable pall
494
00:23:59,231 --> 00:24:00,524
over an otherwise
sweet victory.
(CHEERING)
495
00:24:00,732 --> 00:24:04,277
Yes, and all of our hearts
are with you and
your family on this...
496
00:24:04,986 --> 00:24:09,741
Dirk Jansen, winner of
the Winner's Warm
Douche MVP Trophy.
497
00:24:09,825 --> 00:24:11,326
What's your take
on this stunning upset?
498
00:24:11,409 --> 00:24:14,162
I think the whole key
to the game was when
I psyched out Coop!
499
00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:16,748
No doubt about it!
And all you people
watching out there...
500
00:24:16,832 --> 00:24:18,917
I can't believe this guy!
He didn't psych me out!
501
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,545
Yeah, if anyone
should get the psyche out
it should be Denslow.
502
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:22,838
Dude, weak.
503
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,383
Oh, Coop, Coop.
I know this is
a dark time for you,
504
00:24:26,466 --> 00:24:29,136
but I'd like
to get your thoughts
on what happened today.
505
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:33,849
Well, Tim,
today I lost the big game
and, uh, a dear friend.
506
00:24:33,932 --> 00:24:37,602
Um, I'm feeling pretty
vulnerable right now.
507
00:24:37,686 --> 00:24:38,895
Uh, I don't think
I should be alone.
508
00:24:38,979 --> 00:24:40,397
I really need people
to talk to...
509
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,526
It certainly does
seem to be raining shit
on Joe Cooper right now.
510
00:24:44,609 --> 00:24:47,529
On paper, the Beers had
the far superior team
511
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,322
with the outside
shooting of Coop
512
00:24:49,406 --> 00:24:51,116
and the deadly
accuracy of Doug Remer.
513
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,617
What happened out there?
514
00:24:52,701 --> 00:24:56,079
Uh, well, it was
a team effort, and I guess
it took every player
515
00:24:56,163 --> 00:24:58,415
working together
to lose this one.
516
00:24:58,498 --> 00:25:00,375
Thanks, Doug.
And so...
517
00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:02,752
Hey! Want to do
an interview with me?
518
00:25:02,836 --> 00:25:04,004
No.
519
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:06,923
So another
BASEketball championship
is in the books.
520
00:25:07,007 --> 00:25:09,551
Yet another opportunity
lost for the Beers.
521
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:12,012
Man, I got to go.
522
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,263
(WHIRRING)
523
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:16,892
Hey, Coop? Coop!
Hey, what's going on?
524
00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:19,603
Coop? Coop! Hey, Coop!
Coop, help! (SCREAMING)
525
00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:22,731
This is Tim McCarver
from Beers Garden,
where the Dallas Felons
526
00:25:22,814 --> 00:25:26,943
have defeated
the Milwaukee Beers
in Denslow Cup IV
527
00:25:27,027 --> 00:25:29,779
by the score of 13 to 11.
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
528
00:25:29,863 --> 00:25:30,989
WOMAN: Everybody in?
529
00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:32,449
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
530
00:25:32,866 --> 00:25:34,242
One at a time.
Shotgun!
531
00:25:35,911 --> 00:25:38,246
Please!
Can we, please?
532
00:25:38,622 --> 00:25:40,457
(GASPS)
There he is!
CHILD: Coop!
533
00:25:40,749 --> 00:25:42,709
CHILD 2: Oh, man!
CHILD 3: Oh, cool.
534
00:25:42,834 --> 00:25:44,794
Can we talk to him?
Yeah, can we stay?
535
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:46,254
There! There!
Please, Miss Reed.
536
00:25:48,173 --> 00:25:50,967
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.
537
00:25:51,176 --> 00:25:53,803
Would you mind signing
a couple of autographs
for the kids?
538
00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:56,598
I think you're looking for
the Dallas locker room,
it's over there.
539
00:25:56,681 --> 00:25:59,392
Oh, I know,
but it was so crowded.
540
00:25:59,476 --> 00:26:02,729
I mean, um, they would really
rather have your autograph.
541
00:26:02,812 --> 00:26:05,899
Really?
Anyway, would you mind
signing these?
542
00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:07,859
Uh, sure.
543
00:26:09,194 --> 00:26:10,320
Oh.
544
00:26:13,031 --> 00:26:14,616
Uh, it's nice
to meet you, Miss...
545
00:26:14,699 --> 00:26:16,368
Reed. Jenna Reed.
546
00:26:16,451 --> 00:26:18,578
Joe Cooper. Coop.
I know.
547
00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:21,623
Are all these kids
with you?
JENNA: Oh, yeah.
548
00:26:21,706 --> 00:26:24,000
Yeah. I've been
the director of the Dream
Come True Foundation
549
00:26:24,084 --> 00:26:25,627
since October.
550
00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:28,380
Oh, the ones that
grant wishes to sick
and dying kids, right?
551
00:26:28,463 --> 00:26:30,173
Oh, well, we prefer
to think of them
552
00:26:30,257 --> 00:26:33,385
as health-challenged
and survival-impaired.
553
00:26:33,510 --> 00:26:36,638
So, you're a big
fan of BASEketball?
No, not really.
554
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:37,931
I mean,
the kids are big fans.
555
00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:40,225
I try and keep them
interested in things
556
00:26:40,308 --> 00:26:42,060
that are a little
more permanent.
557
00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:43,520
Permanent?
558
00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:46,982
Well, you know how
professional athletes
come and go these days.
559
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:48,858
Well, not in BASEketball.
There's rules against it.
560
00:26:48,942 --> 00:26:50,986
REMER: Well, hello.
561
00:26:51,069 --> 00:26:53,655
Oh, uh, Miss Reed,
this is Remer.
562
00:26:53,738 --> 00:26:56,074
Would you like
a fresh pretzel?
563
00:26:56,658 --> 00:26:58,326
I baked it myself.
564
00:26:58,410 --> 00:27:00,328
Oh. Thank you.
565
00:27:00,412 --> 00:27:02,497
It goes great
with mustard.
Okay.
566
00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:04,249
Miss Reed? Miss Reed?
567
00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,543
Dude, you didn't make
that pretzel, did you?
568
00:27:06,626 --> 00:27:08,795
Of course not,
but chicks like guys
who can cook.
569
00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:11,298
Didn't you know that?
What?
570
00:27:11,381 --> 00:27:13,049
See, it works.
She was checking out
my ass.
571
00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:14,843
She wasn't checking out
your ass.
572
00:27:14,926 --> 00:27:16,261
All set then?
573
00:27:16,344 --> 00:27:18,054
Well, I better get
these kids back.
574
00:27:18,138 --> 00:27:19,639
Little Travis is
getting impatient.
575
00:27:19,723 --> 00:27:22,392
Hey, I love kids.
Which one's Travis?
576
00:27:22,475 --> 00:27:24,978
Here. Heads up,
big guy.
(GROANS)
577
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:26,855
CHILD: Are you all right,
Travis?
578
00:27:26,938 --> 00:27:28,440
CHILD 2: I think
he's sleeping.
579
00:27:28,523 --> 00:27:30,692
God, he needs
a little work
on the hands.
580
00:27:30,775 --> 00:27:33,194
He's blind, Doug.
REMER: Ah!
581
00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:35,655
(CLAMORING)
(SIRENS BLARING)
582
00:27:36,197 --> 00:27:39,367
Felons fans rejoiced
in their team's
Denslow Cup victory
583
00:27:39,451 --> 00:27:41,911
with a huge celebration
in downtown Dallas.
584
00:27:41,995 --> 00:27:45,290
Final tally,
14 injured, three dead.
585
00:27:46,291 --> 00:27:49,169
And on a sad note,
the sports world
was devastated tonight
586
00:27:49,252 --> 00:27:51,463
by the passing
of Ted Denslow.
587
00:27:51,546 --> 00:27:54,841
By all accounts,
the late Beers owner
seemed to be the only one
588
00:27:54,924 --> 00:27:56,468
surprised by his death.
589
00:27:56,551 --> 00:28:00,722
And it appears time
just finally ran out
for the old cocksucker.
590
00:28:01,222 --> 00:28:04,142
Theodore Denslow,
dead at 85.
591
00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:06,644
His hairpiece was 24.
592
00:28:09,272 --> 00:28:12,484
DENSLOW: These chaps I wore
in Rooting Tooting Rhythm
593
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:14,903
I bequeath
to my nephew Herman.
594
00:28:15,487 --> 00:28:18,406
Hope he looks
as snappy in them as I did.
595
00:28:18,948 --> 00:28:23,119
And this poncho
that kept me dry
during the filming of...
596
00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:25,372
Mrs. Denslow?
Baxter Cain.
597
00:28:25,455 --> 00:28:27,332
May I sit down?
Of course.
598
00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:31,211
My deepest sympathy
on your great loss.
Thank you, Mr. Cain.
599
00:28:31,294 --> 00:28:34,506
DENSLOW:
My valuable hand-painted plate
commemorating the Pope's visit
600
00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:38,802
to Dodger Stadium,
I leave to my niece Susan.
601
00:28:38,885 --> 00:28:42,389
Limited edition,
signed in the mold,
602
00:28:42,472 --> 00:28:46,017
with a photocopied certificate
of authenticity.
603
00:28:46,101 --> 00:28:48,061
Jenna.
This six-shooter I wore...
604
00:28:48,186 --> 00:28:52,982
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm not sure.
I got this letter.
605
00:28:53,066 --> 00:28:54,150
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
606
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:57,779
And the toothbrush
used to clean the oats...
607
00:28:58,071 --> 00:28:59,322
(GASPS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
608
00:28:59,406 --> 00:29:00,740
(CROWD MURMURING)
609
00:29:00,824 --> 00:29:03,159
WOMAN: Clumsy idiot!
Where's the body?
610
00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:06,037
They buried him two days ago.
This is the will reading.
611
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:10,166
Oh. Well, in that case...
These are for you, Jenna.
612
00:29:10,250 --> 00:29:12,710
Now as a special
gift of charity,
613
00:29:12,794 --> 00:29:15,171
I bequeath
these season tickets
614
00:29:15,255 --> 00:29:18,049
to the Dream Come
True Foundation.
(CROWD MURMURING)
615
00:29:18,133 --> 00:29:19,259
Thank you.
616
00:29:19,342 --> 00:29:20,927
I want you to know
I had nothing
617
00:29:21,010 --> 00:29:23,304
but respect for
your late husband.
618
00:29:23,388 --> 00:29:25,890
Unfortunately,
he was the one person
who stood in the way
619
00:29:25,974 --> 00:29:27,892
of making
any kind of changes
in BASEketball
620
00:29:27,976 --> 00:29:31,020
that might increase
the owner's profits.
621
00:29:32,522 --> 00:29:35,817
I can't imagine
what he had against
making money.
622
00:29:36,818 --> 00:29:40,113
I trust that quality
isn't sexually transmitted.
623
00:29:43,616 --> 00:29:47,996
That's pretty sweet, huh?
Yeah. The kids
will be very excited.
624
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:50,790
Especially little Joey.
Joey?
625
00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,335
Well, he's such
a big fan of yours.
626
00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:55,962
You know, he's going
into the hospital next week,
627
00:29:56,045 --> 00:29:57,505
and he had begged me
to ask you
628
00:29:57,589 --> 00:29:58,965
if you'd come by
for a visit sometime,
629
00:29:59,048 --> 00:30:00,550
but, you know what,
it's not a good idea.
630
00:30:00,633 --> 00:30:02,594
Oh, I'd love to come by.
631
00:30:02,677 --> 00:30:04,596
Hey, I'll come by.
I like hospitals.
632
00:30:04,679 --> 00:30:06,139
No, you don't.
You like Taco Bell.
633
00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:08,057
No, really,
I went to this hospital
one time in France
634
00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:09,350
and got together with
this really hot chick.
635
00:30:09,434 --> 00:30:11,352
Dude, that was a hostel.
Oh, yeah.
636
00:30:11,436 --> 00:30:14,814
And finally, of course,
my beloved Beers,
637
00:30:14,898 --> 00:30:20,570
I bequeath
controlling interest
to Joseph R. Cooper.
638
00:30:20,737 --> 00:30:22,030
(CROWD GASPING,
MURMURING)
639
00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:24,782
Yes! We own the team!
640
00:30:24,866 --> 00:30:28,703
I gave him the best
three months of my life.
(SOBBING)
641
00:30:28,912 --> 00:30:30,288
Sweet!
642
00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:32,790
Way to go, dude!
643
00:30:32,874 --> 00:30:33,917
And, Coop?
644
00:30:34,626 --> 00:30:36,336
Yes, Mr. Denslow?
645
00:30:37,712 --> 00:30:41,799
I know you have it in you
to lead the Beers to victory
this season,
646
00:30:41,883 --> 00:30:45,887
because if you don't,
the team reverts to Yvette.
647
00:30:47,138 --> 00:30:49,307
Don't feel badly
about losing the team.
648
00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:52,602
I believe this is merely
a temporary situation.
649
00:30:53,394 --> 00:30:55,230
Thank you, Mr. Cain.
650
00:30:55,480 --> 00:31:00,026
It's nice to have
a strong, handsome man
like you on my side.
651
00:31:00,944 --> 00:31:04,864
Well, yes. I'd love
to discuss this
further with you.
652
00:31:04,948 --> 00:31:07,242
Why don't you
visit sometime?
653
00:31:08,034 --> 00:31:11,829
Maybe we could, uh,
lay some carpet,
654
00:31:13,206 --> 00:31:15,208
if you know what I mean.
655
00:31:15,291 --> 00:31:18,753
At this time,
I'd like to ask everyone
to leave the room,
656
00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:21,714
so I can have
a private moment with Coop.
657
00:31:25,718 --> 00:31:28,805
Now that we're alone,
Coop, there's something
I wanna tell you.
658
00:31:28,888 --> 00:31:30,557
Remember when
you had the crabs,
659
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:34,602
and the only thing that
made you feel better
was this lotion?
660
00:31:34,686 --> 00:31:36,896
Well, I found another
use for it.
661
00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:40,483
It feels so good,
it makes me wanna sing.
662
00:31:40,567 --> 00:31:43,319
Just like
that night we spent
in the tattoo parlor
663
00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:45,446
in Chicago. Come on, baby.
664
00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:47,991
(SINGING)
I'm too sexy for my shirt
665
00:31:48,074 --> 00:31:50,076
Too sexy for my shirt
666
00:31:50,159 --> 00:31:52,412
So sexy it hurts
667
00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:56,416
And I'm too sexy for my car
668
00:31:56,499 --> 00:31:58,376
Too sexy for my car
669
00:31:58,459 --> 00:32:01,254
Too sexy by far
670
00:32:01,337 --> 00:32:02,714
You getting this?
671
00:32:03,298 --> 00:32:05,216
(YVETTE MOANING)
672
00:32:05,842 --> 00:32:07,594
(BANGING)
673
00:32:12,682 --> 00:32:13,725
(SIGHS)
674
00:32:13,808 --> 00:32:15,685
That's two rooms done.
675
00:32:15,768 --> 00:32:17,687
Boy, those corners
are tricky.
676
00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:20,189
You've done
a fine job, Yvette.
677
00:32:21,024 --> 00:32:24,068
Now, as I was saying,
I think I've come up
with a plan
678
00:32:24,152 --> 00:32:27,655
to make sure that Coop
never wins that Denslow Cup.
679
00:32:27,739 --> 00:32:30,366
Oh. So, then the team
will be mine?
680
00:32:30,450 --> 00:32:33,119
Yes.
That's wonderful, Baxter.
681
00:32:33,995 --> 00:32:35,455
Do you want me to move on
to the conference room?
682
00:32:35,538 --> 00:32:37,332
Uh, no. Not yet.
683
00:32:37,415 --> 00:32:40,877
But, you know,
I think my lobby
684
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,503
could use a good buffing,
685
00:32:42,587 --> 00:32:44,213
if you know what I mean.
686
00:32:44,297 --> 00:32:46,591
Mmm. I know exactly
what you mean.
687
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,469
Oh! Oh, no, no, no!
688
00:32:49,552 --> 00:32:50,678
Oh, God!
689
00:32:50,887 --> 00:32:51,888
(SHRIEKING)
690
00:32:51,971 --> 00:32:53,056
God, I can't do this shit!
691
00:32:55,558 --> 00:32:57,101
MICHAELS: And the Beers
coming up to bat
692
00:32:57,185 --> 00:33:00,104
for the first time
in this season opener
against Miami,
693
00:33:00,188 --> 00:33:03,483
a game they have
dedicated to Ted Denslow.
694
00:33:03,650 --> 00:33:07,570
The team wearing black
in memory of
the late Beers owner.
695
00:33:08,738 --> 00:33:11,824
The Beers cheerleaders
also mourning the loss.
696
00:33:11,908 --> 00:33:13,910
(RACY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
697
00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:20,583
MICHAELS: Mmm.
698
00:33:21,793 --> 00:33:23,127
Hmm.
699
00:33:23,753 --> 00:33:24,796
Mmm?
700
00:33:24,962 --> 00:33:26,381
(CLEARS THROAT)
701
00:33:30,677 --> 00:33:31,761
(SPITS)
702
00:33:32,804 --> 00:33:36,724
Dude, it's a whole
different ballgame
now that you own the team.
703
00:33:36,808 --> 00:33:40,478
Yeah. I was just thinking.
Denslow was right.
704
00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:44,107
This season
could be different.
We just gotta kick some ass.
705
00:33:44,190 --> 00:33:46,484
We're playing
to keep this team.
You up for it?
706
00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:48,820
Dude, I'm in.
All or nothing.
707
00:33:50,113 --> 00:33:51,447
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
708
00:33:54,117 --> 00:33:55,201
(SPITS)
709
00:33:55,660 --> 00:33:57,537
And joining us in
the booth this evening,
710
00:33:57,620 --> 00:34:00,289
big fan of BASEketball,
Tony Nocciolino,
711
00:34:00,373 --> 00:34:03,251
who plays, as you know,
Latino cut-up Scooter
712
00:34:03,334 --> 00:34:05,211
on the new hit comedy series,
What's the Difference,
713
00:34:05,294 --> 00:34:08,381
airing between Recycled Junk,
starring Lisa Campbell,
714
00:34:08,464 --> 00:34:12,427
and Same Old Crap,
featuring teen heartthrob
Mark Svenson.
715
00:34:12,510 --> 00:34:14,053
All part of
the great fall line-up
716
00:34:14,137 --> 00:34:16,597
on our network's
"Who gives a rat's ass?"
Thursdays.
717
00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:19,517
And, Tony, it is great
to have you with us.
718
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:20,852
So, Miami takes
the field,
719
00:34:20,935 --> 00:34:23,396
and we're underway
here tonight.
(BEEPING)
720
00:34:23,479 --> 00:34:25,356
Coop steps into
the single square.
721
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,066
(INSULTING IN SPANISH)
722
00:34:27,150 --> 00:34:30,236
Bonehead!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Coop! Coop! Coop!
723
00:34:30,319 --> 00:34:32,155
Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop!
724
00:34:32,238 --> 00:34:35,700
COSTAS: It's good.
And the Beers are off
to a promising start tonight.
725
00:34:35,783 --> 00:34:36,826
(CROWD CHEERING)
726
00:34:36,909 --> 00:34:39,328
And this game is made
all the more special
727
00:34:39,412 --> 00:34:42,707
by the fact it's Free-Range
Chicken Night.
(CLUCKING)
728
00:34:42,790 --> 00:34:44,625
The Beers up by two,
but the Dealers
729
00:34:44,709 --> 00:34:46,335
are threatening here
with one out,
730
00:34:46,419 --> 00:34:49,172
and that brings up
Enrique Hernandez.
731
00:34:50,548 --> 00:34:53,926
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Psyche out! Psyche out!
Psyche out! Psyche out!
732
00:34:54,010 --> 00:34:56,262
Psyche out!
Hernandez, look.
733
00:34:57,221 --> 00:35:00,308
It's fat liposuctioned
out of Marlon Brando's ass.
734
00:35:01,476 --> 00:35:04,270
Uh... Aw! No.
What am I doing here?
735
00:35:05,646 --> 00:35:06,647
(SLURPING)
736
00:35:06,731 --> 00:35:10,401
Aw! It's all salty and warm.
Oh, why would I do this?
737
00:35:11,027 --> 00:35:12,278
Aw! This guy ate
a lot of pork.
738
00:35:13,321 --> 00:35:14,363
Aw!
739
00:35:14,614 --> 00:35:15,782
Muy bueno!
740
00:35:15,865 --> 00:35:17,325
(CROWD GROANS, QUIETS)
741
00:35:17,408 --> 00:35:18,618
Damn it!
742
00:35:18,701 --> 00:35:20,453
Dude, I thought it was
a killer psyche out.
743
00:35:20,578 --> 00:35:24,624
Really? So sick. (SLURPING)
Shake it off.
Shake it off. I got this guy.
744
00:35:24,707 --> 00:35:26,000
Yo, Gomez.
745
00:35:26,125 --> 00:35:27,460
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Psyche out!
746
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,337
Got milk?
747
00:35:29,504 --> 00:35:31,255
(SQUIRTING)
(GAGGING)
748
00:35:32,298 --> 00:35:34,884
Oh, yeah,
you like that, don't you?
749
00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:39,138
COSTAS:
Coop tips, and it's good!
Double play. Beers win.
750
00:35:39,847 --> 00:35:43,100
MICHAELS:
And Remer still nailing down
that psyche out.
751
00:35:43,184 --> 00:35:45,228
(GRUNTING)
752
00:35:48,397 --> 00:35:50,107
(CLUCKING)
753
00:35:50,650 --> 00:35:52,527
Dude, we totally kicked ass.
754
00:35:52,610 --> 00:35:54,362
Yeah, and this is
just a start.
755
00:35:54,445 --> 00:35:56,072
Doug, could you sign
my chicken?
756
00:35:56,155 --> 00:35:58,533
Joe Cooper.
Baxter Cain.
757
00:35:58,616 --> 00:36:00,743
Oh, Cain. Yeah,
Denslow told me about you.
758
00:36:00,827 --> 00:36:01,953
I want to take
this opportunity
759
00:36:02,036 --> 00:36:03,704
to welcome you
to our community
of owners.
760
00:36:03,788 --> 00:36:06,499
And if there's anything
that you need,
don't hesitate to ask.
761
00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:07,875
Thanks, dude. Later.
762
00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:09,377
Oh, Coop,
we're going to be
voting next week
763
00:36:09,460 --> 00:36:12,046
on making some changes
in BASEketball's rules.
764
00:36:12,129 --> 00:36:14,090
I want to be able
to tell the others
that you're with us.
765
00:36:14,173 --> 00:36:16,300
Why? I think BASEketball's
fine the way it is.
766
00:36:16,384 --> 00:36:17,718
Of course,
in some respects.
767
00:36:17,802 --> 00:36:21,222
But until we allow
teams to move cities
and players to change teams
768
00:36:21,305 --> 00:36:24,058
and take advantage
of lucrative
corporate tie-ins,
769
00:36:24,141 --> 00:36:26,143
I'm afraid you
and your colleagues
770
00:36:26,227 --> 00:36:29,105
are going to have to
continue working for...
771
00:36:32,191 --> 00:36:33,651
Chicken poo?
Ugh!
772
00:36:34,819 --> 00:36:36,863
Feed. Chicken feed.
773
00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:40,491
Coop, the ball
is in your court.
774
00:36:40,575 --> 00:36:44,120
In order for
those rules to change,
every owner has to vote yes.
775
00:36:44,203 --> 00:36:47,582
And Denslow was
already filthy rich.
He didn't need the changes.
776
00:36:47,665 --> 00:36:49,375
But you do.
777
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:50,918
Look, I appreciate
what you're saying,
778
00:36:51,002 --> 00:36:54,672
but you're asking me to
go against every reason
we created this game.
779
00:36:54,755 --> 00:36:56,799
Well, before you make
any hasty decisions,
780
00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:58,718
I suggest you discuss it
with your teammate.
781
00:36:58,801 --> 00:37:02,138
I don't have to.
We're best friends.
We think alike.
782
00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:04,098
Look, I'm sorry,
but if you want
unanimous consent,
783
00:37:04,181 --> 00:37:06,267
you're gonna have to get it
from one of the other owners.
784
00:37:07,768 --> 00:37:09,604
(MUMBLING)
785
00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:17,278
Are we gonna
kick their ass?
(WHOOPING)
786
00:37:19,155 --> 00:37:20,489
Yeah!
Yeah!
787
00:37:20,615 --> 00:37:23,701
We gonna take these
mooks out or what?
Yeah! Let me handle this one!
788
00:37:23,784 --> 00:37:25,620
In the river, baby!
No doubt about it!
789
00:37:25,703 --> 00:37:27,163
Come on!
790
00:37:27,246 --> 00:37:30,291
Yo, Coop! Your mother's
a terrible cook!
791
00:37:30,374 --> 00:37:31,918
(LAUGHING)
792
00:37:35,838 --> 00:37:37,882
Oh, yeah!
Damn!
793
00:37:37,965 --> 00:37:39,800
Pew, pew, pew!
I'm gonna kick
your ass, man.
794
00:37:39,884 --> 00:37:41,052
Easy.
795
00:37:50,937 --> 00:37:52,104
Can't gross me out,
Remer.
796
00:37:52,188 --> 00:37:54,815
Oh, yeah?
Well, check out Coop.
797
00:38:00,196 --> 00:38:02,865
(GROWLING)
798
00:38:03,449 --> 00:38:04,659
(CROWD GASPING)
799
00:38:04,951 --> 00:38:06,494
(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)
800
00:38:06,702 --> 00:38:09,205
(UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
801
00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:14,502
(CROWD WHISTLING)
802
00:38:17,630 --> 00:38:19,090
Hey, Zane,
803
00:38:20,049 --> 00:38:21,676
I wanna feel you
804
00:38:23,010 --> 00:38:24,136
deep inside me.
805
00:38:24,220 --> 00:38:25,221
Oh!
806
00:38:25,304 --> 00:38:27,181
Yes!
(ALL GROANING)
807
00:38:27,264 --> 00:38:29,892
You can't do that!
That's not fair, man!
808
00:38:29,976 --> 00:38:31,018
MEN: Ooh!
809
00:38:31,227 --> 00:38:33,521
Oh, come on, Zane.
That was...
810
00:38:34,021 --> 00:38:35,690
That was fair, you know.
Come on. Let's play ball.
811
00:38:36,857 --> 00:38:40,194
Hey, Watson, have you seen
those, uh, beer commercials,
812
00:38:40,403 --> 00:38:43,197
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
how to speak San Franciscan?
813
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,157
Hey! Hey!
Vagina!
814
00:38:45,866 --> 00:38:48,744
Not fair!
That's bullshit, man!
815
00:38:48,828 --> 00:38:52,415
(IN NORMAL ACCENT) No. That
wasn't a gay joke. That was
an Australian joke. Aw! Aw!
816
00:38:57,420 --> 00:39:00,256
(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Shoot 'em up
Shoot 'em up, boys
817
00:39:00,381 --> 00:39:02,466
Bang, bang
Whoo, whoo
818
00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:07,054
Yeah, ride 'em, ride 'em
Ride 'em, ride 'em
819
00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:10,141
Come on, let's do it!
All right.
What do we always say?
820
00:39:10,224 --> 00:39:13,144
One, two, three...
ALL: Fuck the Mexicans!
821
00:39:19,233 --> 00:39:21,152
Guess I'll take my shot now.
822
00:39:21,235 --> 00:39:23,154
Sure hope I make it,
so I can get home quick
823
00:39:23,237 --> 00:39:24,822
and smack my wife
in the eye, yepper.
824
00:39:24,905 --> 00:39:26,240
Shut up, Remer.
825
00:39:26,323 --> 00:39:28,451
Shut your mouth, bitch.
I'll...
826
00:39:29,994 --> 00:39:32,246
Yeah! Yes! All right!
(CROWD CHEERING)
827
00:39:32,329 --> 00:39:34,999
Take that, Remer!
Aw, shit!
828
00:39:36,542 --> 00:39:38,544
(IMITATING HIGH-HAT CYMBAL)
829
00:39:38,627 --> 00:39:40,004
(SCATTING)
830
00:39:47,470 --> 00:39:48,929
(GROANS)
831
00:39:50,473 --> 00:39:51,849
(CROWD YELLING)
832
00:39:53,350 --> 00:39:54,393
(SCREAMING)
833
00:39:54,477 --> 00:39:55,728
(RETCHING)
834
00:39:57,730 --> 00:39:59,523
Oh, my eye! My eye!
835
00:39:59,940 --> 00:40:00,941
(VOMITS)
836
00:40:01,025 --> 00:40:02,735
You're sick, Cooper!
837
00:40:03,486 --> 00:40:04,695
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
838
00:40:09,700 --> 00:40:11,827
"If a woman wants a mate
who is responsive,
839
00:40:11,911 --> 00:40:14,914
"she will reveal
to him the secret
of a woman's duality.
840
00:40:14,997 --> 00:40:17,291
"She will tell him
about the interior woman,
841
00:40:17,374 --> 00:40:19,627
"that one who added
to herself makes two."
842
00:40:19,710 --> 00:40:21,087
(SNORING)
843
00:40:22,588 --> 00:40:25,216
Hi. I didn't
expect that you'd come.
844
00:40:25,841 --> 00:40:28,135
I just thought I'd come say hi
to our little friend Joey.
845
00:40:28,219 --> 00:40:30,137
Oh. Well,
you know what,
he's sleeping,
846
00:40:30,221 --> 00:40:31,680
and I really wanted
to finish this book.
847
00:40:31,764 --> 00:40:33,724
Well, maybe it'll
make him feel better.
848
00:40:33,808 --> 00:40:35,309
Uh, well...
Joey?
849
00:40:36,811 --> 00:40:39,313
Joey?
Look who's here.
850
00:40:40,314 --> 00:40:42,191
My biological father?
851
00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:44,944
No, dude, it's me,
Joe Cooper.
852
00:40:45,027 --> 00:40:47,154
Coop? Coop,
is it really you?
853
00:40:47,238 --> 00:40:48,405
Yeah, it's me.
854
00:40:48,489 --> 00:40:50,616
Wow. I watched
all your road games.
855
00:40:50,699 --> 00:40:52,409
Your psyche outs
were the best.
856
00:40:52,493 --> 00:40:53,953
Thanks, dude. Right on.
857
00:40:54,036 --> 00:40:55,621
Coop, what's a "vagina"?
858
00:40:55,704 --> 00:41:00,209
Uh, so, uh, what seems
to be the problem
with you, guy?
859
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:02,753
I'm... I'm going to die.
860
00:41:02,837 --> 00:41:04,130
Well, we're all gonna die.
861
00:41:04,213 --> 00:41:06,340
Yeah, but not this week.
862
00:41:07,174 --> 00:41:09,802
Joey, what did I tell you
about staying positive?
863
00:41:09,885 --> 00:41:12,930
Besides, your donor liver's
due to arrive today.
864
00:41:13,013 --> 00:41:14,306
COOPER:
Oh, hey, look what
I brought you.
865
00:41:15,599 --> 00:41:18,561
Wow! A La-Z-Boy!
Yeah, I made it myself,
you know.
866
00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:20,771
If I had a nickel
for every time
867
00:41:20,855 --> 00:41:22,189
this ball pulled me
out of a tight spot,
868
00:41:22,273 --> 00:41:24,692
I'd have a shitload
of nickels.
869
00:41:25,484 --> 00:41:28,904
Gee, Coop, I wanna be
just like you
when I grow up.
870
00:41:29,321 --> 00:41:31,699
Here's your
decaf mocha, Jenna.
871
00:41:32,032 --> 00:41:34,535
Just like you take it,
non-fat milk,
low fat whipped cream,
872
00:41:34,618 --> 00:41:36,495
and a little sprinkle
of cinnamon.
873
00:41:36,579 --> 00:41:37,955
Thank you, Doug.
874
00:41:38,038 --> 00:41:40,749
And I baked you fresh
poppy seed muffins, too.
875
00:41:40,833 --> 00:41:41,917
JENNA: Oh.
876
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:46,839
Give me a break.
Poppy seed muffins.
877
00:41:46,922 --> 00:41:48,966
I thought you had
your electrolysis
appointment this morning.
878
00:41:49,049 --> 00:41:51,468
I did. Here. Look.
Check it out.
879
00:41:51,594 --> 00:41:52,595
(GASPS)
880
00:41:54,471 --> 00:41:56,390
Hey, listen, partner,
881
00:41:56,473 --> 00:41:58,809
I talked to the people
at the Dream Come
True Foundation,
882
00:41:58,893 --> 00:42:01,645
and they want to
make your last wish...
883
00:42:01,729 --> 00:42:05,065
Your... Well, they want to
make your dream come true,
884
00:42:05,149 --> 00:42:06,859
as long as it doesn't
involve, like,
885
00:42:06,942 --> 00:42:09,278
a miracle cure or
something like that.
886
00:42:09,361 --> 00:42:12,781
Well, hell, the guys
on death row only get
a meal, right?
887
00:42:12,865 --> 00:42:15,910
Uh, so... So,
what's your dream?
888
00:42:15,993 --> 00:42:19,496
Well, I've always dreamed
of big game hunting.
889
00:42:19,580 --> 00:42:21,290
How about killing
an endangered species,
890
00:42:21,373 --> 00:42:23,792
like a bald eagle
or a giant panda?
891
00:42:23,876 --> 00:42:26,212
Well, Joey, I don't think
that's in the true spirit
892
00:42:26,295 --> 00:42:27,546
of the Foundation.
893
00:42:27,630 --> 00:42:29,673
Well, then,
how about poisoning
the reservoir?
894
00:42:29,757 --> 00:42:31,926
I know. How about
throwing flesh-eating fish
895
00:42:32,009 --> 00:42:34,053
into a public
swimming pool?
896
00:42:34,136 --> 00:42:36,639
I don't think you're quite
getting the point, dude.
897
00:42:36,722 --> 00:42:38,974
Come on, Joey.
Search your heart.
898
00:42:39,058 --> 00:42:40,559
What's the one thing
that you want
899
00:42:40,643 --> 00:42:42,853
more than anything else
in the world?
900
00:42:44,939 --> 00:42:46,607
Chelsea Clinton.
901
00:42:48,484 --> 00:42:50,194
That's a pretty
tall order, dude.
902
00:42:50,277 --> 00:42:52,780
You'd have
a better shot at Bill.
903
00:42:53,614 --> 00:42:55,574
You have any
backup dreams?
904
00:42:55,658 --> 00:42:58,035
Well, there is
one other thing.
905
00:42:58,452 --> 00:43:01,247
Could I just once... Could I
hang out with the team?
906
00:43:01,330 --> 00:43:04,500
Just spend a day with
the Beers. Could I, Coop?
907
00:43:05,376 --> 00:43:07,294
Oh, I don't know.
908
00:43:07,378 --> 00:43:09,171
And Miss Reed, too.
909
00:43:13,175 --> 00:43:14,301
(CHUCKLES)
910
00:43:14,885 --> 00:43:17,263
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
911
00:44:13,485 --> 00:44:15,904
(GASPS) No! No! No!
912
00:44:16,447 --> 00:44:17,990
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
913
00:44:20,576 --> 00:44:22,661
Down the hatch. Bartender.
914
00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:31,879
This has been so fun.
I feel like I'm gonna
puke all over the bar.
915
00:44:31,962 --> 00:44:33,088
(BELCHES)
916
00:44:34,214 --> 00:44:35,883
Oh, look, Jerry Springer.
917
00:44:35,966 --> 00:44:38,344
Here she is,
your daughter-in-law, who...
918
00:44:38,427 --> 00:44:40,971
No. She's my son's wife.
Get that.
919
00:44:41,221 --> 00:44:44,516
Whoa! Nicole.
Let's say hi to Nicole.
920
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,060
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
921
00:44:46,143 --> 00:44:48,562
Okay. Okay.
We'll drink every time
a fight breaks out.
922
00:44:48,645 --> 00:44:49,730
All right.
All right.
923
00:44:49,813 --> 00:44:52,024
ALL: Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry! Jerry!
924
00:44:52,107 --> 00:44:53,734
Hey, you bitch!
925
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,819
Oh, fight, fight, fight.
926
00:44:55,903 --> 00:44:57,571
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING)
927
00:44:57,654 --> 00:44:58,697
WOMAN: Back off, bitch!
928
00:44:58,822 --> 00:45:02,284
Oh, you want some of this?
Come on!
NICOLE: You fat...
929
00:45:02,785 --> 00:45:03,994
Fight!
930
00:45:06,163 --> 00:45:07,331
(WOMEN YELLING)
931
00:45:07,414 --> 00:45:08,457
Ah! Ah!
932
00:45:08,999 --> 00:45:10,793
WOMAN: I'm gonna kill you!
933
00:45:13,629 --> 00:45:16,006
You see, Joey,
dreams really do come true.
934
00:45:31,230 --> 00:45:33,524
You're the best, Coop.
Yeah.
935
00:45:34,525 --> 00:45:37,111
Oh, man, it's late.
We've got a game tonight.
936
00:45:37,194 --> 00:45:39,988
And you've got that
big liver operation.
937
00:45:40,072 --> 00:45:41,323
Yeah, but...
938
00:45:41,407 --> 00:45:44,201
What, dude? Don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.
939
00:45:44,284 --> 00:45:47,162
I just know I could
pull through if...
940
00:45:47,246 --> 00:45:48,372
If what, dude?
941
00:45:48,455 --> 00:45:50,791
Joey, you just say it
and Coop will do it.
942
00:45:50,874 --> 00:45:53,335
Could you, Coop?
Do you think you could
hit a home run
943
00:45:53,419 --> 00:45:55,212
for me in tonight's game?
944
00:45:55,295 --> 00:45:57,047
Well, dude...
Come on, Coop.
945
00:45:57,131 --> 00:45:59,383
It's not like he's asking you
to hit two home runs.
946
00:45:59,466 --> 00:46:02,177
Two? Can you hit
two home runs?
947
00:46:02,261 --> 00:46:05,597
Of course he could.
This is Coop Cooper
you're talking about here.
948
00:46:05,681 --> 00:46:08,767
Hell, he could hit
three home runs if
he wanted to, huh, Coop?
949
00:46:08,851 --> 00:46:10,602
Three? All right.
950
00:46:12,062 --> 00:46:15,649
Remer, can I talk to you
over there real quick?
Thanks.
951
00:46:16,275 --> 00:46:19,987
Hey, you know, Joey,
I've hit my fair share
of home runs, too.
952
00:46:20,070 --> 00:46:23,907
That's nice, but Coop's gonna
hit three home runs for me.
953
00:46:23,991 --> 00:46:25,033
That's great, Joey.
954
00:46:25,159 --> 00:46:27,119
(BANGING)
I think Coop's
the greatest guy
955
00:46:27,202 --> 00:46:28,912
in the whole wide world.
956
00:46:28,996 --> 00:46:30,747
Yeah, he's a major dude,
all right.
957
00:46:30,831 --> 00:46:32,499
Hey, I feel
much better now.
958
00:46:32,583 --> 00:46:33,667
(GROANS)
959
00:46:33,750 --> 00:46:35,502
JOEY: Mr. Squeak?
What?
960
00:46:36,128 --> 00:46:38,005
What grade are you in?
961
00:46:38,505 --> 00:46:41,216
Hey, anybody call a taxi?
962
00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:42,468
Yeah, I called a taxi.
963
00:46:42,551 --> 00:46:45,220
We gotta get going
if I'm gonna hit
those three home runs.
964
00:46:45,304 --> 00:46:48,015
Don't you worry.
From now on, everything's
gonna be A-okay.
965
00:46:48,098 --> 00:46:51,643
Gee, Coop, this is
the best day of
my entire life.
966
00:46:51,727 --> 00:46:53,395
Oh! Ow!
(THUD)
967
00:46:54,146 --> 00:46:56,190
COSTAS: Oh, my,
what a story this is.
968
00:46:56,273 --> 00:47:01,069
Little Joey Thomas
undergoing a lifesaving
operation tonight.
969
00:47:02,029 --> 00:47:05,032
(CROWD CHEERING)
The fans here, of course,
all wearing yellow ribbons
970
00:47:05,115 --> 00:47:07,784
in support of
this brave little boy.
971
00:47:09,453 --> 00:47:12,873
And his hero, Joe Cooper,
promising to hit
three home runs,
972
00:47:12,956 --> 00:47:17,044
a promise that could mean
the difference between
life and death
973
00:47:17,127 --> 00:47:19,338
for this brave little boy.
(BELCHES)
974
00:47:19,421 --> 00:47:23,217
Hey, Pete,
what's the matter
with Coop tonight?
975
00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,760
I don't know,
but he's 1 for 11
976
00:47:24,843 --> 00:47:26,261
and he smells like
Christian Slater.
977
00:47:26,345 --> 00:47:27,679
(BOTH VOMITING)
COSTAS: Coop
in the home run circle,
978
00:47:27,763 --> 00:47:29,306
getting ready
to take his shot.
979
00:47:29,389 --> 00:47:31,475
It's up. It's good!
980
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,561
(CROWD CHEERING)
Coop sinks his second
home run of the game.
981
00:47:35,729 --> 00:47:37,898
(GRUNTING)
982
00:47:38,190 --> 00:47:39,233
(EXCLAIMS)
983
00:47:43,070 --> 00:47:44,863
His blood sugar's
way up since yesterday.
984
00:47:44,947 --> 00:47:47,157
Has there been any change
in his fluid intake?
985
00:47:47,241 --> 00:47:49,409
Sweet Jesus!
His sodium level's
through the roof!
986
00:47:49,493 --> 00:47:51,036
NURSE:
It's the strangest thing.
987
00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:54,081
He's eight years old,
and he smells like
Robert Downey Jr.
988
00:47:54,790 --> 00:47:57,292
COSTAS: Ninth inning.
Everyone's stomach
in knots here
989
00:47:57,376 --> 00:47:59,711
as Coop steps up
for his last at bat.
990
00:47:59,836 --> 00:48:02,464
CROWD: (CHANTING) Coop! Coop!
One more chance for
that third home run.
991
00:48:02,548 --> 00:48:05,092
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
992
00:48:07,135 --> 00:48:09,388
Hey, she's here, man,
that girl from the bar.
993
00:48:09,471 --> 00:48:11,473
That's a guy.
What?
994
00:48:12,349 --> 00:48:14,601
A guy?
Yeah, that's a dude.
995
00:48:15,060 --> 00:48:16,395
SQUEAK: No way,
you're just saying that
996
00:48:16,478 --> 00:48:17,813
'cause you want her
for yourself.
997
00:48:17,896 --> 00:48:20,899
No, dude, I'm saying that
because she's a guy.
998
00:48:20,983 --> 00:48:23,485
It's impossible.
Just look at her.
999
00:48:23,569 --> 00:48:28,323
She's got the cutest
little upturned nose,
the softest lips,
1000
00:48:28,407 --> 00:48:30,534
the sweetest
Adam's apple.
1001
00:48:30,617 --> 00:48:31,994
(VOMITING)
1002
00:48:33,078 --> 00:48:36,456
Yeah. I think I can smell
her perfume from here.
1003
00:48:37,124 --> 00:48:38,875
(VOMITING CONTINUES)
1004
00:48:40,502 --> 00:48:41,753
(GROANS)
1005
00:48:43,255 --> 00:48:44,548
(VOMITING)
1006
00:48:45,215 --> 00:48:49,761
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
1007
00:48:49,845 --> 00:48:50,887
(SHUSHING)
1008
00:48:51,013 --> 00:48:53,181
(CROWD SHUSHING)
1009
00:48:55,976 --> 00:48:57,853
COSTAS: Coop calls for quiet.
1010
00:48:57,936 --> 00:49:00,355
One more chance for
that third home run.
1011
00:49:02,316 --> 00:49:03,817
He's in deep focus
out there, Bob.
1012
00:49:03,900 --> 00:49:06,069
This obviously
means a lot to him.
1013
00:49:06,820 --> 00:49:08,447
(SNORING)
1014
00:49:08,864 --> 00:49:09,906
(HORN TOOTS)
1015
00:49:10,198 --> 00:49:12,868
He shoots!
It's going, going...
1016
00:49:12,951 --> 00:49:15,495
(CROWD GASPS)
Looks like Coop has made
a dream come true
1017
00:49:15,579 --> 00:49:18,707
for a very brave little...
1018
00:49:19,041 --> 00:49:20,709
(CRASHES)
(CROWD GASPS)
1019
00:49:21,335 --> 00:49:22,419
(GROANS)
1020
00:49:23,420 --> 00:49:28,342
Wow. The Lord must
really have it in
for that little boy.
1021
00:49:31,678 --> 00:49:35,265
Oh, why? Why? Why? (SOBS)
1022
00:49:35,349 --> 00:49:37,851
Come on, Coop.
It's over.
1023
00:49:37,934 --> 00:49:41,146
Poor Joey. Why?
I'm sorry, dude.
1024
00:49:41,229 --> 00:49:42,856
NURSE: If you're looking
for Joey Thomas,
1025
00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:44,775
he's been moved next door.
1026
00:49:44,900 --> 00:49:46,109
Oh.
Hey!
1027
00:49:49,404 --> 00:49:51,365
Oh, my God!
(GROANING)
1028
00:49:52,699 --> 00:49:55,202
Oh, why? Why? Why?
1029
00:49:55,285 --> 00:49:57,412
Gentlemen,
he's in this room.
1030
00:49:58,288 --> 00:49:59,373
(GROANING)
1031
00:50:00,540 --> 00:50:02,876
Joey! Joey!
1032
00:50:02,959 --> 00:50:04,294
I'm here for you, dude.
1033
00:50:04,378 --> 00:50:06,505
NURSE:
The operation went fine.
1034
00:50:06,588 --> 00:50:09,633
I mean, just after
your game, we thought
he was suffocating.
1035
00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:11,510
He kept screaming,
"Choke! Choke!"
1036
00:50:11,593 --> 00:50:14,346
Then he lost consciousness.
He'll be fine in the morning.
1037
00:50:14,429 --> 00:50:18,225
But don't stay too long.
He needs his sleep.
1038
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,103
Joey, I'm sorry I missed
that third home run.
1039
00:50:21,228 --> 00:50:25,273
(SQUEAKING)
But remember how I said that
dreams really do come true?
1040
00:50:25,357 --> 00:50:26,525
Well, they don't.
1041
00:50:26,608 --> 00:50:28,235
(GASPS, GRUNTING)
1042
00:50:28,318 --> 00:50:30,529
Coop, he's awake!
I think he's trying
to tell you something.
1043
00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:32,864
(STAMMERS)
What is it, Joey? What?
1044
00:50:32,948 --> 00:50:34,908
Hey, he's turning blue.
1045
00:50:34,991 --> 00:50:36,368
Oh, my God!
This poor kid's freezing.
1046
00:50:36,451 --> 00:50:38,829
He needs a blanket.
Where's a blanket?
1047
00:50:38,912 --> 00:50:40,038
Sir, sir.
Can I borrow
your blanket?
1048
00:50:40,122 --> 00:50:41,665
Don't worry,
I'm here for you
too, Joey.
1049
00:50:41,790 --> 00:50:45,001
Sir, let me borrow
your blanket!
(SCREAMING)
1050
00:50:45,085 --> 00:50:48,171
Here you go, little buddy.
This should keep you warm.
1051
00:50:48,296 --> 00:50:50,257
(EKG FLATLINING)
Holy mother of God!
He's flatlining!
1052
00:50:50,340 --> 00:50:52,092
You killed him.
SQUEAK: Oh, my God!
1053
00:50:52,175 --> 00:50:53,677
I didn't kill him.
Dude, you missed
1054
00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:55,971
the third home run
and you killed him.
1055
00:50:56,054 --> 00:50:58,432
No! No, I'm not going
to give up on this kid!
1056
00:50:58,557 --> 00:50:59,891
SQUEAK:
Coop, calm down, man.
Come on, Joey.
1057
00:50:59,975 --> 00:51:01,017
Come back to me.
1058
00:51:01,101 --> 00:51:03,019
Coop, get a hold
of yourself.
SQUEAK: Coop, no!
1059
00:51:03,103 --> 00:51:04,146
Leave me alone!
1060
00:51:04,229 --> 00:51:06,064
Live, damn it! Live!
1061
00:51:06,148 --> 00:51:07,232
What the hell
are you doing?
1062
00:51:07,315 --> 00:51:10,068
Where are those
little heart paddle things
that George Clooney uses?
1063
00:51:10,152 --> 00:51:11,987
Not those.
REMER: Dude, let's just bail.
1064
00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:14,406
Give me these things.
You're gonna kill him!
1065
00:51:14,489 --> 00:51:16,074
Clear!
Clear!
1066
00:51:16,158 --> 00:51:17,993
(DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES)
1067
00:51:18,076 --> 00:51:19,536
No pulse, Coop.
Crank up the voltage.
1068
00:51:19,619 --> 00:51:20,996
10,000 volts.
Clear!
1069
00:51:21,079 --> 00:51:22,247
Clear!
1070
00:51:22,330 --> 00:51:24,458
(ZAPPING)
(SHUDDERING)
1071
00:51:26,793 --> 00:51:29,171
Up it to 15,000!
15,000 volts.
1072
00:51:29,254 --> 00:51:30,672
No!
Clear!
1073
00:51:31,465 --> 00:51:32,966
(GRUNTING)
(ZAPPING)
1074
00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:34,509
(SCREAMING)
1075
00:51:35,594 --> 00:51:36,636
(SIGHS)
1076
00:51:36,720 --> 00:51:37,929
Coop, do you know
what you're doing?
1077
00:51:38,013 --> 00:51:40,223
What's it look like?
An execution?
1078
00:51:40,307 --> 00:51:43,518
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Damn it, man! I'm trying
to save an innocent life!
1079
00:51:43,602 --> 00:51:46,146
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
I'm giving it
all I've got, Captain.
1080
00:51:46,980 --> 00:51:48,940
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
I love you, always have.
1081
00:51:49,024 --> 00:51:50,859
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1082
00:51:51,151 --> 00:51:52,444
Clear!
1083
00:51:52,527 --> 00:51:54,070
(ZAPPING)
1084
00:51:54,654 --> 00:51:56,573
This isn't working.
We gotta try
open heart massage.
1085
00:51:56,698 --> 00:51:59,409
I need a rib separator
and a scalpel.
REMER: Where do I cut?
1086
00:51:59,493 --> 00:52:01,077
Start in the middle
and work your way around.
1087
00:52:01,161 --> 00:52:03,413
He's a flat-liner.
Code blue, Nurse!
1088
00:52:03,538 --> 00:52:06,958
Seventy ccs of
sodium pentothal, stat!
(WHIRRING)
1089
00:52:07,083 --> 00:52:09,461
I didn't kill him.
Get away from him.
Get out of here.
1090
00:52:09,544 --> 00:52:11,922
Cardiac syringe
coming through!
(CLANKING)
1091
00:52:12,130 --> 00:52:13,882
(EXCLAIMING)
1092
00:52:14,257 --> 00:52:15,342
(GASPING)
1093
00:52:16,468 --> 00:52:18,303
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
1094
00:52:18,637 --> 00:52:20,472
(ALL SCREAMING)
1095
00:52:20,555 --> 00:52:23,266
Hard left! Hard left!
What the...
1096
00:52:23,350 --> 00:52:25,977
(CLATTERING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1097
00:52:27,479 --> 00:52:30,106
ANNOUNCER: Reggie Jackson
having an incredible night.
CROWD: Reggie! Reggie!
1098
00:52:30,190 --> 00:52:33,568
ANNOUNCER:
Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,
1099
00:52:33,652 --> 00:52:36,655
and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.
1100
00:52:36,738 --> 00:52:39,407
And you have to wonder
just what Charlie Hough
must be thinking
1101
00:52:39,491 --> 00:52:42,494
as Reggie steps
into the box here
in the eighth.
1102
00:52:42,577 --> 00:52:43,745
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Reggie! Reggie!
1103
00:52:43,829 --> 00:52:45,622
ANNOUNCER:
There's a fly ball...
MAN: Nature's fury
1104
00:52:45,705 --> 00:52:48,917
when man and beast collide
on the back roads
and byways of America.
1105
00:52:49,084 --> 00:52:50,919
(MAN READING)
1106
00:52:52,170 --> 00:52:53,255
(THUDDING)
(SQUEAKING)
1107
00:52:57,926 --> 00:52:59,803
Aw!
(SQUEAKING)
1108
00:52:59,886 --> 00:53:00,929
Aw!
1109
00:53:01,596 --> 00:53:02,681
Aw!
(SPLATTERS)
1110
00:53:03,181 --> 00:53:05,267
(SQUEALING)
(THUDDING)
1111
00:53:06,226 --> 00:53:09,646
I can't believe those assholes
taped over the game.
1112
00:53:09,938 --> 00:53:11,523
(SQUEAKS)
Aw!
1113
00:53:11,606 --> 00:53:12,858
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1114
00:53:13,608 --> 00:53:15,151
Aw! Aw!
(TURNS OFF TV)
1115
00:53:17,988 --> 00:53:19,030
(GASPS)
1116
00:53:19,114 --> 00:53:21,074
Jenna.
Hi.
1117
00:53:21,157 --> 00:53:22,701
Oh, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
1118
00:53:22,784 --> 00:53:26,663
No, no, I was just, uh,
fixing clam chowder.
1119
00:53:26,746 --> 00:53:28,832
Uh, come in.
1120
00:53:28,915 --> 00:53:31,877
Well, when you weren't
at the hospital,
I came right over.
1121
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:35,297
Apparently, there was some
sort of terrorist attack
on the post-op ward.
1122
00:53:35,380 --> 00:53:37,299
Terrorist?
Yeah.
1123
00:53:37,382 --> 00:53:40,385
Evidently,
they were disguised
as BASEketball players.
1124
00:53:40,468 --> 00:53:42,053
They went on
some sort of rampage,
1125
00:53:42,137 --> 00:53:45,390
and I was so worried
about Joey.
1126
00:53:45,473 --> 00:53:47,309
(STAMMERS)
Was he, uh... Is he...
1127
00:53:47,392 --> 00:53:51,104
Oh, he's fine. He came
through the operation
with flying colors.
1128
00:53:51,187 --> 00:53:52,314
All right!
1129
00:53:52,397 --> 00:53:55,859
With that new liver,
he should be peeing like
a champ in no time, huh?
1130
00:53:55,942 --> 00:53:58,528
That's kidneys, Coop.
Oh.
1131
00:53:58,612 --> 00:54:01,072
Hmm.
Well, uh, have a seat.
1132
00:54:01,156 --> 00:54:02,699
I just wanted to stop by
and thank you
1133
00:54:02,782 --> 00:54:04,868
for all that
you've done for Joey.
1134
00:54:04,951 --> 00:54:07,037
Oh, it's nothing.
1135
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:11,791
I'm sure he's going
to remember this day
for the rest of his life.
1136
00:54:11,875 --> 00:54:14,544
Yeah, I don't doubt that.
1137
00:54:14,628 --> 00:54:18,590
Oh! What a great picture.
(CHUCKLES)
1138
00:54:18,673 --> 00:54:20,800
Look at you guys.
You seem so happy.
1139
00:54:20,884 --> 00:54:23,219
Yeah, I... I guess we were.
1140
00:54:23,303 --> 00:54:26,806
We were just best friends
playing ball in the driveway,
you know?
1141
00:54:26,890 --> 00:54:29,267
Next thing I know,
I'm on ESPN
and Wheaties boxes.
1142
00:54:29,351 --> 00:54:31,186
And I guess that's
all pretty sweet.
1143
00:54:31,269 --> 00:54:35,315
But nowadays,
since Denslow's been gone,
1144
00:54:35,398 --> 00:54:39,277
I'm in charge of the team,
and the whole league now.
1145
00:54:39,361 --> 00:54:41,279
Sometimes I forget
why I play the game.
1146
00:54:41,363 --> 00:54:44,240
Why do you play it, Coop?
1147
00:54:44,324 --> 00:54:45,533
Mr. October.
1148
00:54:45,617 --> 00:54:48,286
The guy in
the Chippendales calendar?
1149
00:54:48,370 --> 00:54:51,331
No, that was
Dwayne Zackemore.
1150
00:54:51,414 --> 00:54:54,000
I mean, whoever it was
that month.
1151
00:54:55,794 --> 00:54:57,712
I, uh... I'm talking
about Reggie Jackson.
1152
00:54:57,796 --> 00:54:59,214
I saw him play in
a World Series once.
1153
00:54:59,297 --> 00:55:00,966
He hit three home
runs in one game.
1154
00:55:01,049 --> 00:55:04,010
I caught the third one
in the stands.
1155
00:55:04,094 --> 00:55:06,429
I remember growing up,
it meant so much to me.
1156
00:55:06,513 --> 00:55:08,974
All I ever dreamed of
was to be that guy,
1157
00:55:09,057 --> 00:55:11,017
have that
one shining moment.
1158
00:55:12,268 --> 00:55:13,353
Be a hero.
1159
00:55:13,436 --> 00:55:17,232
You already are a hero, Coop.
1160
00:55:17,315 --> 00:55:20,026
You've won these
kids' hearts, but...
1161
00:55:21,111 --> 00:55:22,237
What?
1162
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:25,115
Well, I'm just worried about
getting attached.
1163
00:55:25,198 --> 00:55:30,120
I mean,
the kids getting attached.
I don't want them to be hurt.
1164
00:55:30,203 --> 00:55:34,624
Jenna, I would
never do anything
to hurt these kids.
1165
00:55:36,543 --> 00:55:39,087
But what Joey
really needs to know
1166
00:55:39,170 --> 00:55:42,757
is where are you
going to be next year?
1167
00:55:42,841 --> 00:55:44,342
Right here.
1168
00:55:44,426 --> 00:55:48,638
And the next year,
and the year after that.
1169
00:55:48,722 --> 00:55:51,057
Right up until
Joey grows up
1170
00:55:52,934 --> 00:55:55,186
and gets a driver's license
1171
00:55:55,270 --> 00:55:59,649
and starts
going out with girls
1172
00:55:59,733 --> 00:56:01,776
and meets the right one
1173
00:56:01,860 --> 00:56:04,738
and forgets about
BASEketball altogether.
1174
00:56:06,781 --> 00:56:08,283
(SIGHS)
1175
00:56:08,366 --> 00:56:11,077
Goes home,
does some push-ups,
1176
00:56:11,161 --> 00:56:12,662
fucks the sleeve of
his favorite jacket.
1177
00:56:12,746 --> 00:56:14,039
What?
Huh?
1178
00:56:15,498 --> 00:56:19,377
I'm just saying
we'll be here for Joey.
I promise.
1179
00:56:19,461 --> 00:56:20,712
Oh, Coop,
I want to believe you.
1180
00:56:20,795 --> 00:56:23,882
I want to believe you
more than anything...
1181
00:56:23,965 --> 00:56:27,010
Yo, Coop, check out
all this cool shit
we got at the hospital!
1182
00:56:27,093 --> 00:56:28,845
(GASPS) Ooh, hey, Jenna.
Hey, Doug.
1183
00:56:28,928 --> 00:56:31,723
Wow. You're looking
a little flushed.
Do you have a temperature?
1184
00:56:31,806 --> 00:56:34,184
No. I'm... I'm fine.
Here, open your
blouse and say, "Ah."
1185
00:56:34,267 --> 00:56:36,770
Remer!
Doug, I...
I got to go.
1186
00:56:36,853 --> 00:56:39,689
No, Jenna... Aw!
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I got to go.
1187
00:56:39,773 --> 00:56:41,232
Jenna! Aw!
1188
00:56:41,483 --> 00:56:42,692
Aw!
1189
00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:46,196
Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead.
You totally fucked me there.
1190
00:56:46,279 --> 00:56:47,655
Dude, relax.
It was just a joke.
1191
00:56:47,739 --> 00:56:49,741
Dude, why don't
you give it up.
She doesn't even like you.
1192
00:56:49,824 --> 00:56:51,284
Oh, you think she has
the hots for you?
1193
00:56:51,367 --> 00:56:53,495
Shit, Squeak here
has a better chance
with her than you do.
1194
00:56:53,578 --> 00:56:55,830
Hey, you think?
That's low,
you son of a bitch.
1195
00:56:55,914 --> 00:56:56,956
What? Why is that low?
1196
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:59,292
Dude, I know you're feeling
jealous right now,
but you can't blame me
1197
00:56:59,375 --> 00:57:01,419
because I have a sweet ass.
I can't help it.
1198
00:57:01,795 --> 00:57:03,088
(GRUNTS)
1199
00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:06,758
(SIGHS)
I'm doing the Happy Dance.
1200
00:57:06,841 --> 00:57:09,636
Doing the Happy Dance.
1201
00:57:09,719 --> 00:57:11,888
Does this thing work?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
1202
00:57:12,013 --> 00:57:13,098
Can you hear me
in this?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
1203
00:57:13,181 --> 00:57:14,224
This is cool, here.
Check it out.
1204
00:57:14,349 --> 00:57:16,351
Asshole!
(SCREAMING)
1205
00:57:17,435 --> 00:57:19,354
Do you want
to get a sandwich?
Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
1206
00:57:19,437 --> 00:57:22,357
Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
Goddamn. Ugh!
1207
00:57:24,109 --> 00:57:26,111
WOMAN: Mr. Cain, Doug Remer
is here to see you.
1208
00:57:26,194 --> 00:57:28,738
CAIN: Remer?
I thought I asked him
to come tomorrow.
1209
00:57:28,863 --> 00:57:31,282
WOMAN: Well, yes, sir,
but he's here now
in the trophy room.
1210
00:57:31,366 --> 00:57:34,035
CAIN: The trophy room?
WOMAN: Mr. Cain...
1211
00:57:34,119 --> 00:57:37,122
Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain?
1212
00:57:37,205 --> 00:57:38,540
This is sweet.
1213
00:57:48,883 --> 00:57:51,344
(THUMPING)
(CLATTERING)
1214
00:57:57,058 --> 00:57:58,935
(GASPS)
CAIN: Mr. Remer.
1215
00:57:59,060 --> 00:58:01,396
Oh, hey. Mr. Cain.
1216
00:58:01,479 --> 00:58:03,815
I see you've been admiring
my little museum.
1217
00:58:03,898 --> 00:58:05,483
Is... Is that really...
1218
00:58:05,567 --> 00:58:08,319
Yes. When I see
something I want,
I get it.
1219
00:58:08,403 --> 00:58:09,737
Remind me the next time
you're here to show you
1220
00:58:09,821 --> 00:58:12,073
the prize in
the whole collection.
1221
00:58:12,157 --> 00:58:14,284
My autographed Ty Cobb bat.
1222
00:58:16,578 --> 00:58:19,122
I'm planning to expand
the museum out here next year.
1223
00:58:19,247 --> 00:58:21,082
Killer setup, Mr. Cain.
1224
00:58:21,166 --> 00:58:23,168
What do you pay
in rent here?
Nothing. I own it.
1225
00:58:23,251 --> 00:58:25,837
Oh, that reminds me.
Can you break a 20?
1226
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:28,256
What, dollars?
I didn't think so.
1227
00:58:28,339 --> 00:58:30,008
Let me get straight
to the point, Don.
1228
00:58:30,091 --> 00:58:31,926
May I call you Don?
Yeah, I guess so.
1229
00:58:32,010 --> 00:58:34,512
Don, when I see one of
BASEketball's hottest stars
1230
00:58:34,596 --> 00:58:36,389
with less than
$20 in his pocket,
1231
00:58:36,472 --> 00:58:38,057
driving an American car
1232
00:58:38,141 --> 00:58:40,560
and sharing a small house
with two other guys,
1233
00:58:40,643 --> 00:58:42,896
you know what
that says to me?
1234
00:58:42,979 --> 00:58:45,023
Homos?
No.
1235
00:58:45,106 --> 00:58:47,483
No, no. It says
you're underappreciated.
1236
00:58:47,609 --> 00:58:52,238
And underpaid!
Oh, yeah, I mean,
I guess we are underpaid.
1237
00:58:52,322 --> 00:58:53,740
Well, I want
to change all that.
1238
00:58:53,823 --> 00:58:56,201
Players of your caliber
should be making
the big bucks.
1239
00:58:56,284 --> 00:58:58,536
Don't you agree?
1240
00:58:58,620 --> 00:59:01,206
Remer! Remer!
1241
00:59:02,624 --> 00:59:05,501
Try to stay with me
on this, all right?
All right.
1242
00:59:05,585 --> 00:59:06,711
Now, last week,
I tried to get Coop
1243
00:59:06,794 --> 00:59:08,129
to agree to certain
rule changes
1244
00:59:08,213 --> 00:59:10,506
that would
make you millions.
1245
00:59:10,632 --> 00:59:12,717
Me? Millions?
Uh-huh.
Now listen carefully.
1246
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:16,429
Do you think
Shaq got rich
playing in Orlando?
1247
00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:19,349
Hardly.
He made his fortune
moving to LA.
1248
00:59:19,432 --> 00:59:21,267
You know how much
he makes now?
1249
00:59:21,351 --> 00:59:23,561
As much as he made
playing in college?
1250
00:59:23,645 --> 00:59:27,065
What? No! A lot more,
big money.
1251
00:59:27,190 --> 00:59:29,817
And you can, too!
Would I have to
quit BASEketball?
1252
00:59:29,901 --> 00:59:33,279
What? No! I need you
to get Coop to go along!
1253
00:59:33,363 --> 00:59:35,073
He'd have to quit
BASEketball, too?
1254
00:59:35,156 --> 00:59:37,700
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
1255
00:59:39,077 --> 00:59:40,119
(GROANS)
1256
00:59:40,203 --> 00:59:42,330
Did I just fart?
(GROANS)
1257
00:59:42,830 --> 00:59:44,415
(WAILING)
1258
00:59:44,582 --> 00:59:46,376
(CROWD CHEERING)
1259
00:59:51,256 --> 00:59:54,384
MICHAELS: Top of the seventh,
and those cheers
you're hearing
1260
00:59:54,467 --> 01:00:00,348
are from the nearly 15,000
on hand here
for Anal Probe Night.
1261
01:00:00,431 --> 01:00:03,434
So, two outs, and Doug Remer
heading for the triple square.
1262
01:00:03,518 --> 01:00:07,397
He's 0 for 12 so far tonight.
In fact, with the exception
of Coop,
1263
01:00:07,480 --> 01:00:10,817
the Beers are ice cold.
1264
01:00:10,900 --> 01:00:14,737
COSTAS: Oh, man,
that doesn't even qualify
as an air ball!
1265
01:00:14,821 --> 01:00:18,032
And the Beers
are gone in the seventh.
1266
01:00:18,116 --> 01:00:20,285
The Aliens now coming up
with the top of their order,
1267
01:00:20,368 --> 01:00:22,203
which, if you're scoring
at home,
1268
01:00:22,287 --> 01:00:25,373
is the same three guys
who came up last inning.
1269
01:00:25,456 --> 01:00:26,916
All right,
what the hell's
going on?
1270
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,960
You guys
are lying down
out there!
1271
01:00:29,043 --> 01:00:31,671
Oh, I get it.
You guys are pissed off.
1272
01:00:32,088 --> 01:00:33,965
Uh, why?
1273
01:00:34,966 --> 01:00:38,136
Dude, you turned down
Cain's offer without
even talking to us.
1274
01:00:38,219 --> 01:00:39,929
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
1275
01:00:42,390 --> 01:00:44,434
All right,
what do you want, dude?
1276
01:00:44,517 --> 01:00:46,227
Dude, what do you think?
1277
01:00:46,311 --> 01:00:47,437
We invented
this game together,
1278
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:49,105
but you get
to control everything.
1279
01:00:49,188 --> 01:00:50,231
Listen, Cain has some
pretty good ideas...
1280
01:00:50,315 --> 01:00:52,150
Dude, Denslow gave me
the team, all right?
1281
01:00:52,233 --> 01:00:53,860
I already told Cain no.
Dude, I'm sure Denslow
1282
01:00:53,985 --> 01:00:57,280
is happy in his
little worm farm but...
Dude, I'm not going to do it.
1283
01:00:57,363 --> 01:00:58,781
All right, dude,
listen to me carefully.
1284
01:00:58,865 --> 01:01:01,034
Do you think Shaq got rich
playing in Orlando?
1285
01:01:01,117 --> 01:01:03,286
No, he got rich
playing in college.
Everybody knows that.
1286
01:01:03,369 --> 01:01:05,496
Dude, it's not
about the money.
1287
01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,373
It's about tradition.
1288
01:01:07,457 --> 01:01:10,668
Look, think about the greats
who have played this game.
1289
01:01:10,752 --> 01:01:12,545
It's because of them.
1290
01:01:12,628 --> 01:01:15,757
It's because of us,
that I can't bow down
to a guy like Cain.
1291
01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:17,467
Dude, that's easy
for you to say,
1292
01:01:17,550 --> 01:01:19,218
because you got the team!
We got jack shit!
1293
01:01:19,302 --> 01:01:22,138
Even Squeak is pissed off!
Oh, hell,
I never really minded...
1294
01:01:22,221 --> 01:01:24,766
Shut up, bitch!
Dude, quit thinking
about yourself for a change!
1295
01:01:24,849 --> 01:01:27,602
Dude, I'm not gonna cave in.
End of story, dude.
1296
01:01:27,685 --> 01:01:28,895
Dude.
Dude!
1297
01:01:28,978 --> 01:01:30,063
Dude!
Dude!
1298
01:01:30,146 --> 01:01:31,189
Dude!
Dude!
1299
01:01:31,272 --> 01:01:32,440
Dude!
1300
01:01:32,523 --> 01:01:33,733
Dude.
1301
01:01:36,527 --> 01:01:38,279
Well, I guess
you've got a point there.
1302
01:01:38,363 --> 01:01:41,074
All right, look,
maybe I was wrong.
1303
01:01:41,157 --> 01:01:43,493
From now on,
we're full partners.
1304
01:01:43,576 --> 01:01:45,203
Really?
And you guys.
1305
01:01:45,286 --> 01:01:47,622
From now on,
you all own part
of the team, too.
1306
01:01:47,705 --> 01:01:50,249
Really? You'd be willing
to do that for us?
1307
01:01:50,333 --> 01:01:53,169
Yeah, and that's not all.
I'm talking prime
equity stock options,
1308
01:01:53,252 --> 01:01:56,047
comprehensive health care,
full dental, traveling HMO,
1309
01:01:56,130 --> 01:01:57,423
and the first 20 weeks
of psychiatric care
1310
01:01:57,507 --> 01:01:59,258
free of charge,
the way it should be!
1311
01:01:59,342 --> 01:02:00,635
Yeah!
Yeah!
1312
01:02:00,718 --> 01:02:02,762
(CROWD CHEERING)
1313
01:02:04,889 --> 01:02:07,433
Come on down!
Who wants them?
1314
01:02:09,685 --> 01:02:12,271
ALL: Yes!
1315
01:02:14,690 --> 01:02:15,733
MEN: Go, Beers!
1316
01:02:27,161 --> 01:02:28,955
Hey, Smitz,
you wanna see a scary face?
1317
01:02:29,664 --> 01:02:30,998
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMS)
1318
01:02:32,166 --> 01:02:33,376
Yeah!
1319
01:02:34,919 --> 01:02:36,129
What?
Dude!
1320
01:02:56,107 --> 01:02:57,191
Hey!
1321
01:02:58,985 --> 01:03:00,611
He can't do that!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
1322
01:03:07,702 --> 01:03:08,911
(EXCLAIMS)
1323
01:03:08,995 --> 01:03:10,746
Oh, shit!
1324
01:03:10,830 --> 01:03:12,707
(CROWD CHEERING)
1325
01:03:14,459 --> 01:03:15,543
(MOCKING)
1326
01:03:22,842 --> 01:03:23,968
(GROANS)
1327
01:03:24,927 --> 01:03:27,180
(GRUNTING)
1328
01:03:31,017 --> 01:03:32,226
(GRUNTING)
1329
01:03:36,689 --> 01:03:38,232
(SHOUTS)
1330
01:03:38,524 --> 01:03:40,401
(CROWD CHEERING)
1331
01:03:44,572 --> 01:03:46,616
MAN: (ON TAPE) There were
four of them in the corral.
1332
01:03:46,699 --> 01:03:49,118
The once-proud beast,
the broken girl,
1333
01:03:49,202 --> 01:03:53,873
her mother, and finally,
the man they called
the Whisperer.
1334
01:03:53,956 --> 01:03:55,583
The woman stared hopefully
1335
01:03:55,666 --> 01:03:58,461
into the ancient
cowboy's weathered face.
1336
01:03:58,544 --> 01:04:04,800
"Can you help her?"
"Lady, I repair cows,
not people."
1337
01:04:04,884 --> 01:04:08,346
His disjointed voice seemed
to be coming from afar...
1338
01:04:08,429 --> 01:04:09,889
(CROWD CHEERING)
1339
01:04:10,473 --> 01:04:12,934
MICHAELS: And the Beers
win their tenth
consecutive game.
1340
01:04:13,017 --> 01:04:14,519
I don't know
what's happening...
1341
01:04:14,602 --> 01:04:15,978
Who's this bimbo
Coop's got the hots for?
1342
01:04:16,395 --> 01:04:20,358
YVETTE: Oh, that's Jenna Reed.
She's the director
of some kids' charity,
1343
01:04:20,441 --> 01:04:22,818
Um, Dream Come
True Foundation.
Oh.
1344
01:04:23,945 --> 01:04:26,280
I know six men
on their board of directors.
1345
01:04:26,364 --> 01:04:29,700
Baxter Cain is
not going quietly
into the good night.
1346
01:04:29,784 --> 01:04:32,161
Hey, Baxter?
Who's Ty Cobb?
Hmm?
1347
01:04:32,870 --> 01:04:35,540
Oh, my God!
Did I just fart?
1348
01:04:35,706 --> 01:04:36,791
(WAILS)
1349
01:04:38,543 --> 01:04:40,753
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1350
01:04:40,878 --> 01:04:43,464
(CROWD CHEERING)
1351
01:04:57,687 --> 01:05:00,773
COSTAS: Ninth inning.
Beers just one out away
from making the playoffs.
1352
01:05:00,856 --> 01:05:03,317
They'll have to get by
Big Ed Tuttle
1353
01:05:03,401 --> 01:05:06,237
and the LA Riots
to ice this one.
1354
01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:07,863
That's him, Squeak.
That's Tuttle.
1355
01:05:07,947 --> 01:05:10,283
He's been talking
some serious shit
about you all night.
1356
01:05:10,366 --> 01:05:11,450
What?
1357
01:05:11,534 --> 01:05:13,119
Yeah, he told everyone
that he caught you
jacking off
1358
01:05:13,202 --> 01:05:15,037
in the bathroom
before the game.
1359
01:05:15,121 --> 01:05:16,664
He saw that?
1360
01:05:17,915 --> 01:05:20,084
You got to get
this guy, Squeak.
(GRUNTING)
1361
01:05:20,167 --> 01:05:23,045
Look at him, man.
He... He's huge!
1362
01:05:23,129 --> 01:05:24,755
You want me
to psyche him out?
1363
01:05:24,839 --> 01:05:26,966
Dude, he'll never expect it
coming from you.
1364
01:05:27,049 --> 01:05:28,593
Here, say this.
1365
01:05:28,676 --> 01:05:29,802
(GRUNTS)
(CHAINS BREAK)
1366
01:05:31,095 --> 01:05:32,597
I'm not going to
remember all that!
1367
01:05:32,722 --> 01:05:35,474
All right, here then.
C'mon, this is for
the playoffs, dude.
1368
01:05:35,558 --> 01:05:36,892
You get this guy,
and we're in!
1369
01:05:36,976 --> 01:05:39,770
Don't worry,
we've got your back!
1370
01:05:48,487 --> 01:05:50,281
(MOUTHING)
Oh, my God.
1371
01:05:56,370 --> 01:05:58,372
Hey, Tuttle!
Yeah?
1372
01:06:00,249 --> 01:06:01,459
Your mother's deaf.
1373
01:06:01,542 --> 01:06:04,712
My mother's dead,
you little twerp.
1374
01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:09,342
I guess that's why
she didn't move around a lot.
1375
01:06:09,467 --> 01:06:10,468
(GRUNTING)
1376
01:06:10,551 --> 01:06:12,178
(GROANS)
(CRASHES)
1377
01:06:13,554 --> 01:06:15,473
COSTAS: Unbelievable!
The Beers win!
1378
01:06:15,556 --> 01:06:17,433
Yes! Sweet! Good going!
1379
01:06:17,516 --> 01:06:18,768
COSTAS:
The Beers have done it!
1380
01:06:18,851 --> 01:06:21,312
Dude! Sweet! Yes!
(GROANS)
1381
01:06:21,395 --> 01:06:23,230
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Talkin' away
1382
01:06:24,148 --> 01:06:26,442
I don't know
what's left to say
(GROWLING)
1383
01:06:26,525 --> 01:06:27,818
I'll say it anyway
1384
01:06:27,902 --> 01:06:29,445
COSTAS: The Beers win
a spot in the playoffs
1385
01:06:29,528 --> 01:06:33,658
by beating Los Angeles
on an unlikely psyche
out by Squeak Scolari.
1386
01:06:33,741 --> 01:06:36,243
Take on me
1387
01:06:38,954 --> 01:06:40,331
Dude,
he is pissed!
1388
01:06:40,414 --> 01:06:41,457
(GROWLING)
1389
01:06:41,874 --> 01:06:43,959
I didn't go over
the line on that, did I?
No, not at all.
1390
01:06:44,043 --> 01:06:46,212
Don't worry
about it, dude.
1391
01:06:47,171 --> 01:06:48,756
Jenna! Jenna!
1392
01:06:51,592 --> 01:06:53,803
Hey, you missed it.
We won!
We kicked ass!
1393
01:06:54,595 --> 01:06:56,013
Let them flow, baby,
we're in the playoffs!
1394
01:06:56,097 --> 01:06:58,015
COOPER: Yeah,
let the tears come.
1395
01:06:58,099 --> 01:06:59,600
You're going to make me
start crying now.
1396
01:06:59,725 --> 01:07:01,686
No...
I know, I guess this
really is emotional.
1397
01:07:01,769 --> 01:07:03,312
COOPER: Should we do it?
Should we just cry?
1398
01:07:03,396 --> 01:07:05,147
I think we should, I mean,
no one's watching.
1399
01:07:05,231 --> 01:07:07,733
We won the game,
we've got friends,
we've got everything!
1400
01:07:07,817 --> 01:07:08,859
(SHOUTS)
Will you stop that?
1401
01:07:09,902 --> 01:07:12,029
I'm not crying
because I'm happy.
1402
01:07:12,113 --> 01:07:14,073
I just got the news.
Our funding has been cut.
1403
01:07:14,156 --> 01:07:16,325
(VOICE BREAKING)
They're going to close
the Foundation.
1404
01:07:17,952 --> 01:07:20,746
Can they do that?
(SQUEAK SCREAMING)
1405
01:07:20,830 --> 01:07:24,542
Those poor kids.
We can't let this happen.
1406
01:07:24,625 --> 01:07:26,293
We got to do something!
1407
01:07:26,377 --> 01:07:30,631
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come and ruin
your big night.
1408
01:07:31,632 --> 01:07:34,301
I'm sorry!
No, Jenna.
Jenna, wait.
1409
01:07:34,385 --> 01:07:36,971
Gentlemen!
Mr. Cain.
1410
01:07:37,805 --> 01:07:41,225
I couldn't help but
overhear your conversation
with Miss Reed.
1411
01:07:41,308 --> 01:07:44,395
Dude, what are you
doing here?
Oh, I jet here, I jet there.
1412
01:07:44,478 --> 01:07:46,021
Anyway, I just wanted
to assure you,
1413
01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:47,690
there's no reason
for your girlfriend's
foundation
1414
01:07:47,815 --> 01:07:49,108
to go into Chapter 11.
1415
01:07:49,191 --> 01:07:51,777
Or for that matter,
12, 13 or 14.
1416
01:07:51,861 --> 01:07:54,864
Uh, but I think I may have
a solution to her problem.
Here.
1417
01:07:56,449 --> 01:07:59,160
It's a time-tested moneymaker.
Every athlete does it.
1418
01:07:59,243 --> 01:08:01,620
You want me to have
bigger titties?
What?
1419
01:08:02,121 --> 01:08:04,081
No, no.
1420
01:08:04,582 --> 01:08:08,169
The clothing line.
A Beers clothing line.
1421
01:08:08,252 --> 01:08:11,172
No, dude, that's against
the BASEketball bylaws.
1422
01:08:11,255 --> 01:08:14,008
Not if the proceeds
go to charity.
Think about it.
1423
01:08:15,217 --> 01:08:18,846
Miss Reed's foundation
will never have to worry
about funding again.
1424
01:08:18,929 --> 01:08:21,557
Awesome, dude!
I think we should
definitely do it!
1425
01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:23,601
Excuse us.
(SQUEAK GROANING)
1426
01:08:23,684 --> 01:08:25,603
Look, will you let me
do the talking here?
1427
01:08:25,686 --> 01:08:27,980
There's no way I'm doing
any kind of deal
with this piece of shit.
1428
01:08:28,063 --> 01:08:31,066
Wait, I thought it was we.
Remember, it's not
just up to you anymore.
1429
01:08:31,150 --> 01:08:33,736
All right, well, we can
come up with a better way
to get money for Jenna.
1430
01:08:33,819 --> 01:08:35,237
Like how?
1431
01:08:36,113 --> 01:08:37,323
(SIGHS)
1432
01:08:37,948 --> 01:08:40,659
See? Thought so.
Mr. Cain?
Hmm?
1433
01:08:40,785 --> 01:08:43,871
As part owner of the Beers,
I'd just like to say,
where do I sign?
1434
01:08:43,954 --> 01:08:46,999
Congratulations, Don.
This is going to
change your life.
1435
01:08:47,082 --> 01:08:48,751
I look out
for my womens!
1436
01:08:48,834 --> 01:08:51,504
Now before we discuss
fabric or color,
we got to decide
1437
01:08:51,587 --> 01:08:53,380
where we can make
this stuff cheap.
SQUEAK: Freedom! Freedom!
1438
01:08:53,464 --> 01:08:55,299
Right.
We'll do a big media blitz.
And don't worry
1439
01:08:55,382 --> 01:08:56,967
about Coop.
He'll come around.
1440
01:08:57,051 --> 01:08:59,053
(EURO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1441
01:09:02,556 --> 01:09:04,099
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
1442
01:09:10,231 --> 01:09:12,358
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
1443
01:09:22,159 --> 01:09:23,202
(CROWD CHEERING)
1444
01:09:26,747 --> 01:09:28,749
Hi there, I'm Dan Patrick.
And I'm Kenny Mayne.
1445
01:09:28,833 --> 01:09:31,836
With the first seven months
of the BASEketball
post-season out of the way,
1446
01:09:31,919 --> 01:09:34,713
the playoff picture is
now starting to emerge.
1447
01:09:34,797 --> 01:09:36,674
So, with last night's
victory over Boston,
1448
01:09:36,757 --> 01:09:38,926
next week the Beers
must beat Indianapolis
1449
01:09:39,009 --> 01:09:40,845
in order to advance
to Charlotte.
1450
01:09:40,928 --> 01:09:42,972
That's in an effort to reduce
their magic number to three.
1451
01:09:43,055 --> 01:09:44,431
Right, and then,
the Beers can advance
1452
01:09:44,515 --> 01:09:47,476
to the National
Eastern Division North
to play Tampa.
1453
01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:49,770
So, if the Beers
beat Detroit,
and Denver beats Atlanta
1454
01:09:49,854 --> 01:09:53,023
in the American Southwestern
Division East Northern,
1455
01:09:53,107 --> 01:09:54,817
then Milwaukee goes
to the Denslow Cup,
1456
01:09:54,900 --> 01:09:57,528
unless Baltimore
can upset Buffalo
and Charlotte ties Toronto.
1457
01:09:57,611 --> 01:10:01,532
Then Oakland would play
LA and Pittsburgh
in a blind choice round-robin.
1458
01:10:01,615 --> 01:10:03,576
And if no clear winner
emerges from all this,
1459
01:10:03,659 --> 01:10:06,078
a two-man sack race
will be held on
consecutive Sundays
1460
01:10:06,203 --> 01:10:07,746
until a champion
is crowned.
Right.
1461
01:10:08,414 --> 01:10:09,957
(GULPING)
1462
01:10:10,541 --> 01:10:12,376
(VOMITING)
1463
01:10:16,630 --> 01:10:19,383
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Coop! Coop! Coop!
1464
01:10:21,260 --> 01:10:24,847
After the grueling
regular BASEketball season,
1465
01:10:24,930 --> 01:10:27,892
we're now in month nine
of the playoffs.
1466
01:10:29,602 --> 01:10:32,021
No, Daddy,
don't touch me there!
1467
01:10:32,104 --> 01:10:33,397
(SIGHS)
1468
01:10:34,607 --> 01:10:36,483
The Beers,
vying with San Francisco
1469
01:10:36,567 --> 01:10:38,402
for a slot in
the Denslow Cup game.
1470
01:10:38,485 --> 01:10:42,197
Ninth inning,
Ferries up by one,
Coop steps in.
1471
01:10:42,281 --> 01:10:46,869
It's back, way back.
Good! Home run!
Coop ties it up!
1472
01:10:46,994 --> 01:10:49,747
That could mean
extra innings.
(GROANS)
1473
01:10:49,830 --> 01:10:51,665
(CROWD CHEERING)
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
1474
01:10:59,340 --> 01:11:00,507
Yeah!
1475
01:11:04,678 --> 01:11:06,639
(CHATTERING)
1476
01:11:13,395 --> 01:11:15,147
What's this guy?
1477
01:11:15,230 --> 01:11:18,442
He's my entertainment lawyer.
He's helping me
with my movie contract.
1478
01:11:18,525 --> 01:11:19,818
Oh, now you're such
a big shot,
1479
01:11:19,902 --> 01:11:21,278
you're gonna act
in a Hollywood movie?
1480
01:11:21,362 --> 01:11:22,446
Fucking sellout.
1481
01:11:22,529 --> 01:11:24,490
ANNOUNCER: (ON PA)
Now shooting, number 17,
1482
01:11:24,573 --> 01:11:27,618
Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!
1483
01:11:28,369 --> 01:11:30,537
(CROWD CHEERING)
1484
01:11:48,555 --> 01:11:50,182
(SWISH)
(CROWD CHEERS)
1485
01:11:50,265 --> 01:11:53,519
MICHAELS: (VOICE BREAKING)
Beers win! Beers win!
1486
01:11:53,602 --> 01:11:55,646
COSTAS: And the Beers
have done it!
1487
01:11:55,729 --> 01:11:58,857
They're on their way
to the Denslow Cup!
1488
01:12:02,152 --> 01:12:04,279
(WATER BUBBLING)
1489
01:12:12,329 --> 01:12:15,749
Dude, who is that?
Who's it look like?
1490
01:12:16,125 --> 01:12:18,002
Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year.
1491
01:12:18,085 --> 01:12:20,963
Hello! Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year!
1492
01:12:27,511 --> 01:12:30,389
What's that?
It's a commitment ring.
1493
01:12:30,806 --> 01:12:32,683
What, for Jenna?
Yeah.
1494
01:12:32,808 --> 01:12:34,268
I'm letting her know
that I'm ready to consider
1495
01:12:34,351 --> 01:12:37,146
thinking about
dating her exclusively.
1496
01:12:37,312 --> 01:12:39,773
Well, I'm giving Jenna
a pre-commitment ring.
1497
01:12:39,857 --> 01:12:41,859
It's a promise to pledge
that we'll think
about getting engaged
1498
01:12:41,942 --> 01:12:43,694
just as soon as we're ready
to make a commitment.
1499
01:12:44,278 --> 01:12:46,405
What the hell are
you talking about?
You don't care about Jenna!
1500
01:12:46,488 --> 01:12:49,575
You were just in a hot tub
naked with Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year!
1501
01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:52,578
You know what?
That hurts, man.
That really hurts.
1502
01:12:52,661 --> 01:12:55,456
My clothing line
is single-handedly
saving Jenna's foundation.
1503
01:12:55,539 --> 01:12:59,626
Oh, sorry, I forgot how much
Doug Remer cares about kids.
1504
01:12:59,918 --> 01:13:02,546
CAIN: Gentlemen?
Mr. Cain.
1505
01:13:02,838 --> 01:13:05,007
Hate to interrupt
your celebration,
but I have something
1506
01:13:05,090 --> 01:13:06,675
you might be interested in.
1507
01:13:08,969 --> 01:13:12,014
Go ahead, don't be shy.
It concerns you.
1508
01:13:12,264 --> 01:13:16,643
Open it! I think
you'll find it interesting.
What's that old saying...
1509
01:13:16,727 --> 01:13:17,978
"A penny saved is
a penny earned"?
1510
01:13:18,062 --> 01:13:21,190
"Don't eat cheese
before noon..."
Shut up!
1511
01:13:21,607 --> 01:13:25,444
How about, "One picture
is worth a thousand words."
1512
01:13:25,569 --> 01:13:27,613
Oh, that's a good one!
COOPER:
God, these are awful!
1513
01:13:27,696 --> 01:13:30,157
What kind of lowlife scum
would use children this way?
1514
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:33,285
You would.
Me? Never!
1515
01:13:34,203 --> 01:13:39,249
Gentlemen, those are pictures
of the Beers clothing line
being made in
1516
01:13:39,333 --> 01:13:40,584
Calcutta.
1517
01:13:40,667 --> 01:13:44,088
Oh, just great!
Of course,
if they ever get out,
1518
01:13:44,171 --> 01:13:47,174
the Beers,
and your girlfriend's
little foundation,
1519
01:13:47,257 --> 01:13:48,509
would be ruined.
1520
01:13:48,675 --> 01:13:49,718
Yipes!
1521
01:13:49,802 --> 01:13:52,554
But, rest assured,
there's no reason
to be panicked.
1522
01:13:52,638 --> 01:13:57,810
Those pictures
never have to see
the light of day, if...
1523
01:13:57,893 --> 01:13:59,686
If what?
(THUD)
1524
01:14:03,148 --> 01:14:06,985
If you two miss
the next Beers game.
1525
01:14:07,361 --> 01:14:09,446
Dude, the next game
is the Denslow Cup!
1526
01:14:09,530 --> 01:14:11,490
I can see you've
been reading the papers.
1527
01:14:11,573 --> 01:14:15,828
Listen, boys, just do
as I say. You play ball,
and you'll be just fine.
1528
01:14:16,161 --> 01:14:18,956
I thought you said you didn't
want us to play ball.
1529
01:14:19,039 --> 01:14:21,583
I want you to play ball
with me.
1530
01:14:22,251 --> 01:14:24,128
You want us
to play for Dallas?
1531
01:14:24,211 --> 01:14:25,379
Huh?
1532
01:14:25,879 --> 01:14:27,172
Huh!
1533
01:14:27,381 --> 01:14:28,465
Huh.
1534
01:14:28,549 --> 01:14:30,801
Oh, I get it.
You don't want us to show up
at the game at all!
1535
01:14:30,884 --> 01:14:34,304
Of course, you numbskulls!
It's called blackmail!
1536
01:14:34,847 --> 01:14:36,390
Good evening.
1537
01:14:41,770 --> 01:14:44,356
God damn it, Remer,
I told you this was going
to happen, didn't I?
1538
01:14:44,439 --> 01:14:45,899
Hey, if you would have
agreed to Cain's changes
1539
01:14:45,983 --> 01:14:47,776
in the first place, it never
would have gotten this far!
1540
01:14:47,860 --> 01:14:50,863
Dude, because of you,
Jenna's foundation
is totally screwed!
1541
01:14:50,988 --> 01:14:52,823
Me? I was the one
trying to...
JENNA: Oh, there you are!
1542
01:14:52,906 --> 01:14:54,241
Jenna!
1543
01:14:54,366 --> 01:14:58,120
I saw the pictures!
This is awful!
(SHARP INHALE)
1544
01:14:58,203 --> 01:14:59,538
It's going to mean
the end of the Foundation.
1545
01:14:59,621 --> 01:15:02,457
You know,
it's not endowed like...
1546
01:15:02,624 --> 01:15:04,084
Well, like...
1547
01:15:04,459 --> 01:15:06,295
Jenna, I can explain.
1548
01:15:06,461 --> 01:15:08,881
Yes, it was his fault.
Me?
1549
01:15:08,964 --> 01:15:11,633
This is your mess,
Remer. I should've kept
the team to myself!
1550
01:15:11,758 --> 01:15:14,136
Dude, I just don't
know you anymore!
Enough!
1551
01:15:14,887 --> 01:15:16,096
Look at yourselves.
1552
01:15:16,180 --> 01:15:19,391
You're just typical men,
with humongous egos!
1553
01:15:19,474 --> 01:15:20,559
You're like every
other pro athlete.
1554
01:15:20,642 --> 01:15:22,060
I should have kept
those kids away from you.
1555
01:15:22,144 --> 01:15:23,520
Their little lives are ruined
and all you can do
1556
01:15:23,604 --> 01:15:25,439
is argue about
who is the bigger penis?
1557
01:15:25,522 --> 01:15:27,065
I mean, child.
1558
01:15:27,274 --> 01:15:28,317
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
1559
01:15:28,400 --> 01:15:29,568
Long wanger. Oh.
1560
01:15:30,235 --> 01:15:31,361
Throbbing cock. (SCREAMS)
1561
01:15:31,445 --> 01:15:33,197
God, I don't even know
what I mean anymore!
1562
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:35,449
Jenna, wait!
You've got
to believe us, Jenna!
1563
01:15:35,532 --> 01:15:38,035
It was all Coop's fault!
(DOOR CLOSING)
1564
01:15:39,161 --> 01:15:41,163
Dude, could I talk
to you over here?
Mmm-hmm.
1565
01:15:41,246 --> 01:15:43,123
You know something,
Pig Fucker?
Can I call you Pig Fucker?
1566
01:15:43,207 --> 01:15:44,791
No, only my friends
can call me Pig Fucker.
1567
01:15:45,042 --> 01:15:46,793
(SCREAMS)
(CRASHING)
1568
01:15:47,586 --> 01:15:49,630
(GRUNTING)
Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
1569
01:15:50,088 --> 01:15:51,256
(BOTH GRUNT)
1570
01:15:51,632 --> 01:15:53,467
You know what, Coop?
1571
01:15:54,301 --> 01:15:56,220
You're not
my best friend anymore.
How do you like that?
1572
01:15:56,303 --> 01:15:58,847
I love it!
Good, I'm glad!
1573
01:16:00,432 --> 01:16:02,100
I'm sick of playing
second fiddle to you,
1574
01:16:02,184 --> 01:16:03,560
and you getting
all the recognition.
1575
01:16:03,644 --> 01:16:06,313
I'm getting myself
a new best friend.
1576
01:16:07,648 --> 01:16:09,524
Wake up, bitch.
You're my new best friend.
1577
01:16:09,608 --> 01:16:11,652
Really? What?
1578
01:16:12,027 --> 01:16:13,987
Are we going
to the zoo?
1579
01:16:14,112 --> 01:16:18,575
Fine! I don't need you.
I'll get myself
a new best friend, too!
1580
01:16:18,659 --> 01:16:23,288
So, go ahead.
Go back to your fancy cars,
and your big bank accounts,
1581
01:16:23,372 --> 01:16:27,251
and your celebrity friends,
and your beautiful women,
1582
01:16:27,334 --> 01:16:30,420
and Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year...
1583
01:16:31,838 --> 01:16:32,881
Fuck!
1584
01:16:33,548 --> 01:16:36,176
MAN ON RADIO: (SINGING)
Your life is
spinning out of control
1585
01:16:36,843 --> 01:16:40,097
Seems the whole world
is out to get you
1586
01:16:42,099 --> 01:16:46,770
Everything is wrong
Nothing seems right
1587
01:16:48,772 --> 01:16:52,526
There's a sinking feeling
inside
1588
01:16:52,609 --> 01:16:57,155
Even your best friend
has turned his back
1589
01:16:57,239 --> 01:16:59,366
But you can't let it
bring you down
1590
01:16:59,449 --> 01:17:02,202
No, you've got to fight
1591
01:17:04,246 --> 01:17:07,249
'Cause you try,
but you can't let go
1592
01:17:09,626 --> 01:17:12,754
It's when you're down
that you got to get up
1593
01:17:12,879 --> 01:17:16,216
Don't let 'em walk
all over your face
1594
01:17:16,300 --> 01:17:20,387
Stand up for yourself
And make everything
right again
1595
01:17:22,264 --> 01:17:24,850
Even if some guy's trying
to blackmail you
1596
01:17:24,933 --> 01:17:27,144
And your girlfriend
thinks you suck
1597
01:17:28,103 --> 01:17:29,855
It's up to you
to let them know
1598
01:17:29,938 --> 01:17:33,567
That it was all just part of
some rich guy's evil plan
1599
01:17:34,234 --> 01:17:36,987
Look out ahead
There's a truck changing lanes
1600
01:17:37,112 --> 01:17:39,740
(TRUCK HORN BLARES)
You got some yellow crumbs
on your upper lip
1601
01:17:39,823 --> 01:17:42,784
And those warts on your dick
aren't going to go away
1602
01:17:42,909 --> 01:17:45,912
Unless you start using
topical cream every day
1603
01:17:47,581 --> 01:17:49,166
WOMAN: (ON PA)
Ladies and gentlemen,
1604
01:17:49,249 --> 01:17:51,251
welcome to Calcutta
International Airport,
1605
01:17:51,335 --> 01:17:54,254
where it is
currently 95 degrees
with a light drizzle.
1606
01:17:54,338 --> 01:17:56,757
We hope you enjoy your stay
here in lovely Calcutta.
1607
01:18:00,260 --> 01:18:01,470
Taxi!
1608
01:18:03,096 --> 01:18:04,598
Amoka, come on!
1609
01:18:04,681 --> 01:18:05,849
Ugh!
1610
01:18:06,433 --> 01:18:08,143
Driver, I'm in a hurry!
1611
01:18:08,268 --> 01:18:10,812
Look, just take me
to 7-1-1...
(BLEATING)
1612
01:18:10,896 --> 01:18:11,897
Aw!
1613
01:18:17,986 --> 01:18:19,488
Here you are,
Beerswear Factory.
1614
01:18:19,613 --> 01:18:21,782
Hey, you, is this...
I'm sorry, no entrance.
1615
01:18:21,865 --> 01:18:24,451
Who the hell are you?
I factory manager. Who you?
1616
01:18:24,534 --> 01:18:26,787
I Joe Cooper.
I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.
1617
01:18:26,870 --> 01:18:29,206
Wait, Mr. Cooper,
you must put on hard hat!
1618
01:18:29,289 --> 01:18:34,044
Oh, this is awful.
Oh, this isn't good!
1619
01:18:34,127 --> 01:18:35,629
Do any authorities
know about this?
1620
01:18:35,712 --> 01:18:38,632
Oh! Oh!
Wait, Mr. Cooper, wait.
Wait please, Mr. Cooper!
1621
01:18:39,299 --> 01:18:40,801
Put that down!
1622
01:18:40,884 --> 01:18:42,761
(SQUEALING, SCREAMING)
1623
01:18:43,470 --> 01:18:47,140
ROBERT STACK: A young man.
His whole life in front
of him disappears.
1624
01:18:47,682 --> 01:18:51,144
A familiar story, yes.
But this is no ordinary Joe.
1625
01:18:51,645 --> 01:18:54,272
Joseph R. Cooper,
perhaps the most
loved sports figure
1626
01:18:54,356 --> 01:18:56,817
in the country, vanished.
1627
01:18:57,484 --> 01:18:58,944
According to
Mrs. Elsie Melcher,
1628
01:18:59,027 --> 01:19:01,780
a neighbor who asked not
to be identified,
1629
01:19:01,863 --> 01:19:04,658
Joe Cooper left his house
two weeks ago.
1630
01:19:04,866 --> 01:19:06,201
According to
Angelique Bones,
1631
01:19:06,326 --> 01:19:08,370
a nosy bitch
who lives up the street,
1632
01:19:08,495 --> 01:19:10,622
he took with him only
a toothbrush, a wallet,
1633
01:19:10,705 --> 01:19:13,875
a steamer trunk and
a plane ticket to Calcutta.
1634
01:19:14,334 --> 01:19:16,420
Police theorize
several possible scenarios
1635
01:19:16,503 --> 01:19:17,587
of what happened
1636
01:19:17,671 --> 01:19:21,341
to the man affectionately
known to the world as "Coop."
1637
01:19:21,675 --> 01:19:22,926
Oh, I don't know
where the hell he is.
1638
01:19:23,009 --> 01:19:24,177
For all I care, he could be
hanging by his neck
1639
01:19:24,261 --> 01:19:25,303
in his fucking closet.
1640
01:19:25,387 --> 01:19:26,513
STACK: Scenario Number One.
1641
01:19:26,596 --> 01:19:28,932
He's hanging by his neck
in his fucking closet.
1642
01:19:33,937 --> 01:19:35,313
The night before
his disappearance,
1643
01:19:35,397 --> 01:19:37,858
Coop's girlfriend
had paid him a visit.
1644
01:19:37,941 --> 01:19:39,734
According to friends,
they had quarreled.
1645
01:19:39,860 --> 01:19:41,361
If you're looking
for Joe Cooper,
1646
01:19:41,445 --> 01:19:42,904
I suggest you look
wherever you find
1647
01:19:43,029 --> 01:19:45,449
the most heinous,
blatant and vile
1648
01:19:45,532 --> 01:19:47,325
exploitation of children
on the planet.
1649
01:19:47,409 --> 01:19:50,579
Scenario Number Two.
Coop went to Disney World.
1650
01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:56,751
Here's a photograph
of Joe Cooper taken
1651
01:19:56,835 --> 01:19:59,171
just days before
his disappearance.
1652
01:19:59,254 --> 01:20:01,506
And here's
a computer-enhanced
simulation
1653
01:20:01,590 --> 01:20:03,758
of what he might
look like today.
1654
01:20:06,720 --> 01:20:09,848
MICHAELS: From Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, on the shores
of Lake Michigan,
1655
01:20:09,931 --> 01:20:13,560
it's the Denslow Cup, where
the defending champions,
the Dallas Felons,
1656
01:20:13,643 --> 01:20:17,397
meet their
perennial challengers,
the Milwaukee Beers.
1657
01:20:17,481 --> 01:20:20,358
Hello, I'm Al Michaels
along with Bob Costas
inviting you
1658
01:20:20,442 --> 01:20:23,778
to join us here
at Beers Garden
for Denslow Cup V.
1659
01:20:23,945 --> 01:20:26,031
And we're in for
a classic battle tonight.
1660
01:20:26,114 --> 01:20:27,741
You're absolutely
right about that, Al.
1661
01:20:27,824 --> 01:20:30,660
We have over
a hundred million people
throughout the world
1662
01:20:30,744 --> 01:20:32,496
tuned in to see this game.
1663
01:20:32,579 --> 01:20:35,499
Many of them, of course,
with no understanding
of the sport itself,
1664
01:20:35,582 --> 01:20:39,961
but nonetheless fascinated
by the flickering images
and the bright, pretty colors.
1665
01:20:40,086 --> 01:20:45,383
And high up in the stands,
pyrotechnic expert
Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch
1666
01:20:45,467 --> 01:20:49,679
is readying
another spectacular
halftime fireworks display.
1667
01:20:49,763 --> 01:20:53,016
All right, you guys.
You ready to kick some ass?
1668
01:20:55,143 --> 01:20:57,771
What's wrong, you guys?
Why the long faces?
1669
01:20:57,854 --> 01:20:59,898
We miss Coop.
Can't win without him.
1670
01:20:59,981 --> 01:21:03,109
We don't need Coop.
I'll lead you to victory!
1671
01:21:03,443 --> 01:21:04,694
We're supposed
to be a team.
1672
01:21:04,778 --> 01:21:06,404
Without Coop,
it's not the same.
1673
01:21:06,488 --> 01:21:08,990
Look, even if
Coop was to walk
in here right now,
1674
01:21:09,115 --> 01:21:10,909
it wouldn't change
the outcome of
this game one iota.
1675
01:21:10,992 --> 01:21:14,204
We can win this thing!
Are you with me?
PLAYERS: Yeah, yeah!
1676
01:21:14,287 --> 01:21:17,666
That's the spirit.
Are you with me?
PLAYERS: Yeah! Yeah!
1677
01:21:17,791 --> 01:21:19,793
All right,
Coop's here!
1678
01:21:25,465 --> 01:21:28,301
MICHAELS:
And we're underway here
for Denslow Cup V.
1679
01:21:54,160 --> 01:21:57,789
COSTAS:
A stunned crowd of over
18,000 witnessing the Beers
1680
01:21:57,872 --> 01:21:59,124
being thoroughly dominated
by the Felons.
1681
01:21:59,207 --> 01:22:00,875
JOEY: Come on, Beers!
Go, Coop!
1682
01:22:01,334 --> 01:22:04,629
Hey, guys, I thought
I told you we weren't
gonna watch this game.
1683
01:22:04,713 --> 01:22:07,299
(ALL GROANING)
Oh, come on, Miss Reed.
It's the Denslow Cup!
1684
01:22:07,382 --> 01:22:11,011
These are not the kind
of people to be looked
up to or emulated.
1685
01:22:11,136 --> 01:22:14,514
The severed
and mutilated head was stamped
and postmarked Denver.
1686
01:22:14,639 --> 01:22:16,891
The owner still has
not stepped forward.
1687
01:22:17,017 --> 01:22:20,979
Update. The disappearance of
the Milwaukee
Beers BASEketball star.
1688
01:22:21,062 --> 01:22:22,272
When Joe Cooper
discovered that
1689
01:22:22,355 --> 01:22:24,941
most of the workers in
the Beerswear Factory
were youngsters,
1690
01:22:25,025 --> 01:22:26,943
not even old enough
for prostitution,
1691
01:22:27,027 --> 01:22:29,154
he personally flew
to Calcutta.
1692
01:22:29,237 --> 01:22:32,198
His new, all-adult workforce
now makes a decent wage,
1693
01:22:32,324 --> 01:22:35,577
enjoys full medical benefits
and in-house child care.
1694
01:22:35,702 --> 01:22:40,040
All of us here are glad that
such a terrific human being
like Joe Cooper has returned.
1695
01:22:40,165 --> 01:22:42,876
If I were a woman,
I'd sure like to be
his girlfriend.
1696
01:22:43,001 --> 01:22:46,546
Walking in the park,
hand in hand,
wrapping my legs around him,
1697
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:50,050
cuddling in
the spoon position,
our hearts beating in unison,
1698
01:22:50,175 --> 01:22:53,219
staring into his eyes over
our morning coffee...
1699
01:22:53,428 --> 01:22:56,139
Uh, yes, yes, thank you.
1700
01:22:56,222 --> 01:22:59,059
When we come back,
our next unsolved mystery...
1701
01:22:59,184 --> 01:23:00,769
Come on, kids.
1702
01:23:01,061 --> 01:23:03,271
We're going to the game!
ALL: (CHEERING) Yeah!
1703
01:23:03,772 --> 01:23:04,939
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
1704
01:23:05,065 --> 01:23:07,192
for your seventh-inning
stretch entertainment,
1705
01:23:07,275 --> 01:23:10,487
the National
BASEketball League
is proud to present
1706
01:23:10,570 --> 01:23:14,699
a salute to our
South Sea neighbors,
Viva Calypso!
1707
01:23:18,745 --> 01:23:20,664
We're up 16-0
at the break.
1708
01:23:20,747 --> 01:23:22,457
Have the trucks pull up
to the locker room.
1709
01:23:22,582 --> 01:23:25,835
We'll sort out the stuff
when we get to Jacksonville.
Okay.
1710
01:23:25,919 --> 01:23:29,756
Hey, Baxter. I finally
got all the chrome
off this for you.
1711
01:23:30,590 --> 01:23:34,219
Nice. Very nice.
You want me
to start on this one?
1712
01:23:34,719 --> 01:23:35,804
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
1713
01:23:35,887 --> 01:23:37,389
please direct
your attention now
1714
01:23:37,472 --> 01:23:40,642
to the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust,
1715
01:23:40,767 --> 01:23:44,104
a symbol of brotherhood
in many Polynesian countries.
1716
01:23:44,229 --> 01:23:47,399
Assuming the roles of
the downtrodden
but happy natives,
1717
01:23:47,482 --> 01:23:51,111
with their
good-luck pineapple,
your Milwaukee Beers!
1718
01:23:52,612 --> 01:23:53,780
Thanks for
flying back, Coop.
1719
01:23:53,863 --> 01:23:55,532
You really made
a big difference
in the score.
1720
01:23:55,615 --> 01:23:57,075
Dude, if I wouldn't have
been cleaning up your mess,
1721
01:23:57,158 --> 01:23:58,451
I wouldn't be jet-lagged
and shitting curry!
1722
01:23:58,576 --> 01:24:00,620
Hey, guys,
knock it off, all right?
1723
01:24:00,745 --> 01:24:03,832
ANNOUNCER:
And representing their
white colonial oppressors,
1724
01:24:03,957 --> 01:24:05,792
the Dallas Felons!
1725
01:24:06,418 --> 01:24:09,170
And now, let's all join
our Caribbean brothers
1726
01:24:09,295 --> 01:24:13,174
in the ceremonial
South Sea handshake
above the Lagoon of Peace.
1727
01:24:13,299 --> 01:24:14,634
COOPER: All right, let go!
REMER: You let go!
1728
01:24:14,759 --> 01:24:16,469
Stop it. Stop it!
1729
01:24:17,303 --> 01:24:19,139
Guys, come on, man!
1730
01:24:19,264 --> 01:24:20,390
Would you stop it?
Money-grubber!
1731
01:24:20,473 --> 01:24:21,683
Power monger!
Cock!
1732
01:24:21,808 --> 01:24:23,351
SQUEAK: Guys, stop it!
1733
01:24:26,312 --> 01:24:27,313
Whoa!
1734
01:24:27,647 --> 01:24:30,316
(YELLING)
Hey!
1735
01:24:32,235 --> 01:24:33,236
(CROWD GASPS)
1736
01:24:33,319 --> 01:24:35,989
You son of a bitch!
You asshole!
1737
01:24:37,991 --> 01:24:39,409
Die!
Eat shit!
1738
01:24:39,492 --> 01:24:43,204
Hey! Would you just stop it?
Would you hold on a minute?
1739
01:24:44,164 --> 01:24:47,625
Look at you guys,
fighting on
the Malakalaka board!
1740
01:24:48,877 --> 01:24:51,504
You should be ashamed
of yourselves!
1741
01:24:52,130 --> 01:24:54,716
Back in the driveway,
we were nothing!
1742
01:24:54,841 --> 01:24:57,635
Now we've risen
to the highest level,
1743
01:24:58,052 --> 01:25:00,513
but you're
throwing it all away!
1744
01:25:01,014 --> 01:25:03,349
If you've forgotten
what BASEketball
means to America,
1745
01:25:03,475 --> 01:25:05,602
you have only to look
at this board,
1746
01:25:05,685 --> 01:25:08,188
the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust.
1747
01:25:10,064 --> 01:25:11,900
Don't you see
what we have here?
1748
01:25:12,025 --> 01:25:14,736
A game where guys
with bad backs
and bad knees
1749
01:25:14,861 --> 01:25:17,530
can get together
and compete
on the same field
1750
01:25:17,655 --> 01:25:20,575
as guys that are all
goosed up on steroids.
1751
01:25:21,493 --> 01:25:23,495
But more than anything,
1752
01:25:23,703 --> 01:25:28,708
isn't this game about getting
together with your friends
and just having a good time?
1753
01:25:29,167 --> 01:25:30,543
I remember.
1754
01:25:32,295 --> 01:25:36,132
I remember a long time ago,
I didn't have anybody.
1755
01:25:36,633 --> 01:25:38,635
And you guys took me in.
1756
01:25:39,636 --> 01:25:43,056
I guess that's why it kills me
to see you like this.
1757
01:25:44,557 --> 01:25:48,978
If we can't be friends,
then the heart and soul
are out of this game.
1758
01:25:50,313 --> 01:25:54,734
Certainly out of me!
I know I'll never
get that back again.
1759
01:25:57,695 --> 01:26:01,032
We have sullied the waters
of the Lagoon of Peace!
1760
01:26:01,866 --> 01:26:05,995
I'm begging you, for the love
of our Caribbean brothers,
1761
01:26:06,246 --> 01:26:08,373
dudes, stop this madness!
1762
01:26:09,415 --> 01:26:12,085
(SCREAMING)
1763
01:26:18,508 --> 01:26:20,093
Hang on!
Oh, my God!
1764
01:26:20,176 --> 01:26:22,095
Remember to hold
your breath just
before we hit!
1765
01:26:22,220 --> 01:26:23,721
Never let go!
1766
01:26:27,392 --> 01:26:31,938
Bob, this has to be the most
spectacular extravaganza
I have ever seen!
1767
01:26:32,772 --> 01:26:34,190
CAIN:
You can cram three seats
into the space it takes
1768
01:26:34,274 --> 01:26:35,608
for one wheelchair,
1769
01:26:35,692 --> 01:26:37,151
not to mention
the wasted space
1770
01:26:37,235 --> 01:26:38,778
it takes for
the oxygen bottle.
1771
01:26:38,862 --> 01:26:41,197
Hell, those little shits
never pay full price anyway!
1772
01:26:41,281 --> 01:26:44,617
Baxter! I just realized
I can't stand you!
1773
01:26:45,535 --> 01:26:47,453
So you can kiss
these puppies good-bye!
1774
01:26:49,747 --> 01:26:51,124
BOTH: (GROANING) Oh.
1775
01:26:54,043 --> 01:26:55,795
Shit, Coop.
I'm sorry.
1776
01:26:55,879 --> 01:26:58,381
I guess the money
did go to my head.
1777
01:26:58,464 --> 01:27:00,300
No, I'm sorry, Remer.
1778
01:27:01,301 --> 01:27:04,470
I think I've got a lot
to learn about sharing.
1779
01:27:04,596 --> 01:27:07,557
Look at me.
I've become everything
I used to hate.
1780
01:27:07,640 --> 01:27:10,143
Maybe we just
grew up too fast.
1781
01:27:10,935 --> 01:27:13,646
My worst enemy
turned out to be me.
1782
01:27:15,148 --> 01:27:16,608
Dude.
Dude.
1783
01:27:17,650 --> 01:27:19,152
Dude.
Dude.
1784
01:27:23,114 --> 01:27:25,325
Hey, look,
I've got two over...
1785
01:27:30,496 --> 01:27:32,415
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
1786
01:27:32,498 --> 01:27:35,418
All right,
let's go win ourselves
a championship!
1787
01:27:35,501 --> 01:27:36,669
Yeah!
Yeah!
1788
01:27:36,961 --> 01:27:38,755
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1789
01:27:50,224 --> 01:27:53,645
MAN: (SINGING)
She was a little green
1790
01:27:54,687 --> 01:27:58,107
He was just a little mean
1791
01:27:59,150 --> 01:28:02,362
They were together
all the time
1792
01:28:02,445 --> 01:28:07,033
So now no one can forget
this thing that happens
all the time
1793
01:28:07,533 --> 01:28:09,035
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1794
01:28:11,037 --> 01:28:14,582
She would do anything
1795
01:28:14,666 --> 01:28:16,501
Yo, Darcy.
Yeah?
1796
01:28:16,751 --> 01:28:20,129
Hey, that's my wife!
Yeah, and this is me!
1797
01:28:20,213 --> 01:28:23,257
They live together
all the time
1798
01:28:23,341 --> 01:28:26,344
So now no one can forget
this little thing
1799
01:28:26,427 --> 01:28:28,680
That's on her mind
1800
01:28:28,763 --> 01:28:33,977
It's a waste to wonder
what's a heart these days
1801
01:28:34,060 --> 01:28:39,357
It takes a lot to give up
and just leave those who...
1802
01:28:46,197 --> 01:28:47,991
Hey, Dirk!
What is it?
1803
01:28:48,116 --> 01:28:50,576
I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak!
(SCREAMS)
1804
01:28:50,660 --> 01:28:51,703
Hey!
1805
01:28:57,792 --> 01:29:00,169
MICHAELS: And Squeak Scolari
crosses the plate again
1806
01:29:00,253 --> 01:29:03,339
as the Beers have come
roaring back since the break.
1807
01:29:03,423 --> 01:29:06,509
Bob, this is more like
the Beers team
we've seen all season.
1808
01:29:06,592 --> 01:29:08,011
COSTAS ON RADIO:
Ninth inning, two outs.
1809
01:29:08,094 --> 01:29:10,179
Beers still down
by two runs.
1810
01:29:10,263 --> 01:29:12,390
Felons on first and third.
1811
01:29:12,598 --> 01:29:16,227
The Beers have to stop
Dallas here if they want
to stay in this game.
1812
01:29:16,310 --> 01:29:18,938
MICHAELS: And
the always dangerous
Grumsky coming up.
1813
01:29:19,022 --> 01:29:20,023
We've got to get
this guy, Coop.
1814
01:29:20,106 --> 01:29:21,232
He hasn't missed
a shot all night.
1815
01:29:21,315 --> 01:29:23,985
I know,
but I don't know what to say.
Nothing works on him.
1816
01:29:24,068 --> 01:29:26,654
Hey!
Tell him he's fat!
1817
01:29:26,738 --> 01:29:28,406
Dude, that's not cool.
1818
01:29:28,489 --> 01:29:29,574
Yeah, it is.
That's not cool.
1819
01:29:29,657 --> 01:29:31,409
No, no, no.
Just do it
really subtle.
1820
01:29:31,492 --> 01:29:33,119
Subtle.
1821
01:29:35,580 --> 01:29:37,957
Hey, Grumsky,
you losing weight?
1822
01:29:38,291 --> 01:29:40,877
(AS ERIC CARTMAN)
Hey, big ass! Seriously,
you're fucking fat!
1823
01:29:40,960 --> 01:29:44,547
You're goddamn fucking fat.
How'd you get so fucking fat?
1824
01:29:44,630 --> 01:29:45,673
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Jesus!
1825
01:29:46,507 --> 01:29:49,969
COSTAS: And the Beers
hold them in the ninth
on a clutch psyche out
1826
01:29:50,053 --> 01:29:51,888
by "Coop" Cooper.
1827
01:29:52,805 --> 01:29:57,143
CROWD: (CHANTING) Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
1828
01:29:57,226 --> 01:30:01,606
COSTAS: Bottom of the ninth.
Dallas, 16. Milwaukee, 14.
1829
01:30:01,981 --> 01:30:04,484
Remer on second,
Scolari on third.
1830
01:30:04,734 --> 01:30:06,444
And Coop's coming up.
1831
01:30:08,279 --> 01:30:12,283
And so, it all comes down
to this. One shot.
1832
01:30:12,408 --> 01:30:16,496
Coop makes it,
the Beers win the cup,
and get to keep the team.
1833
01:30:17,288 --> 01:30:18,998
Or, he misses.
1834
01:30:20,041 --> 01:30:22,752
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
1835
01:30:30,343 --> 01:30:31,469
(POP)
1836
01:30:31,552 --> 01:30:33,346
(BALL DEFLATING)
1837
01:30:39,519 --> 01:30:42,730
Oh, my God.
La-Z-Boy has popped!
1838
01:30:49,570 --> 01:30:52,657
The ball Coop has used
every day of his career
is gone,
1839
01:30:52,740 --> 01:30:54,659
and a time-out
has been called
1840
01:30:54,742 --> 01:30:56,994
as the Beers star
tries to regroup.
1841
01:30:57,411 --> 01:31:00,790
Excuse me, driver,
do you think you
could go any faster?
1842
01:31:00,873 --> 01:31:02,750
Could I go any faster?
1843
01:31:04,377 --> 01:31:06,462
CHILDREN: Yeah!
Hang on!
1844
01:31:09,715 --> 01:31:10,716
CHILDREN: Yeah!
1845
01:31:10,800 --> 01:31:12,468
Whoa!
1846
01:31:13,761 --> 01:31:15,054
COSTAS:
No doubt about it, Al.
1847
01:31:15,138 --> 01:31:18,891
The loss of this ball is
definitely going to affect
the outcome of this game.
1848
01:31:19,100 --> 01:31:20,768
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1849
01:31:25,064 --> 01:31:26,774
Ow! Hey!
1850
01:31:26,858 --> 01:31:29,819
Come on, kids! Thomas,
where are you going?
1851
01:31:29,902 --> 01:31:32,196
It's just one shot.
You can do it!
We can win this thing!
1852
01:31:32,280 --> 01:31:35,616
Come on, Coop!
You can do it.
1853
01:31:35,700 --> 01:31:38,661
Coop! Stop! Don't shoot!
1854
01:31:39,120 --> 01:31:40,580
Wait!
Joey!
1855
01:31:41,164 --> 01:31:43,499
Here.
I brought this for you.
1856
01:31:44,375 --> 01:31:47,211
I made it myself.
Just like you.
1857
01:31:48,421 --> 01:31:49,672
Dude, you made this?
1858
01:31:49,755 --> 01:31:52,216
Well, Miss Reed helped me
for most of it.
1859
01:31:52,300 --> 01:31:53,759
But I finished it myself.
1860
01:31:54,594 --> 01:31:56,095
Joey, this is great.
1861
01:31:58,014 --> 01:32:01,142
Coop, you know what
Miss Reed told me tonight?
1862
01:32:02,435 --> 01:32:05,688
She said she wants me
to be a big sports star.
1863
01:32:07,273 --> 01:32:09,150
Just like Joe Cooper.
1864
01:32:20,745 --> 01:32:22,830
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
1865
01:32:22,914 --> 01:32:24,332
Thanks, dude.
1866
01:32:24,415 --> 01:32:26,167
Go get them, Coop.
1867
01:32:30,963 --> 01:32:32,340
Hey, Coop!
1868
01:32:32,465 --> 01:32:36,260
When's the last time
you made a home run
without La-Z-Boy?
1869
01:32:48,522 --> 01:32:51,859
COSTAS: Al, we have seen
some classic Denslow Cup
battles in the past,
1870
01:32:51,943 --> 01:32:54,403
but I can't remember one
that ever rivaled
1871
01:32:54,487 --> 01:32:57,114
the drama and excitement
of this one.
1872
01:33:07,500 --> 01:33:09,210
It's off the rim!
1873
01:33:09,710 --> 01:33:12,421
Could be a double play.
Darcy tips.
1874
01:33:13,756 --> 01:33:16,384
Jansen's try. No.
1875
01:33:18,844 --> 01:33:23,015
Beers have a shot
at the conversion.
Remer keeps it alive!
1876
01:33:24,725 --> 01:33:26,394
Last chance.
1877
01:33:32,775 --> 01:33:34,110
Coop up.
1878
01:33:44,036 --> 01:33:46,289
It's
1879
01:33:46,372 --> 01:33:47,707
good!
1880
01:34:07,727 --> 01:34:09,478
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1881
01:34:25,911 --> 01:34:27,830
Bob, in all my years
of calling games,
1882
01:34:27,913 --> 01:34:29,623
I don't think I've ever
been this excited!
1883
01:34:29,749 --> 01:34:32,251
You're excited?
Feel these nipples!
1884
01:34:38,424 --> 01:34:42,094
Update. We still have
no fucking clue
where this guy is.
1885
01:34:44,597 --> 01:34:48,184
MAN: (SINGING)
And I can wear anything
1886
01:34:48,267 --> 01:34:51,103
And I can be anything
1887
01:34:51,187 --> 01:34:56,776
Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful
1888
01:34:58,277 --> 01:35:03,949
Tonight I don't wanna feel bad
1889
01:35:05,034 --> 01:35:09,538
'Cause tonight will be
the night of my dreams
1890
01:35:09,622 --> 01:35:12,458
Tonight I don't wanna
feel anything
1891
01:35:21,008 --> 01:35:26,722
And then things moved in
Took no time at all
1892
01:35:27,264 --> 01:35:32,269
Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful
1893
01:35:32,353 --> 01:35:33,396
(MOANING)
1894
01:35:33,479 --> 01:35:35,231
SQUEAK: Hey, whoa!
1895
01:35:35,314 --> 01:35:37,191
Hey! Come on!
1896
01:35:37,316 --> 01:35:38,317
Hey!
1897
01:35:39,860 --> 01:35:41,237
All right.
1898
01:35:42,488 --> 01:35:43,906
JENNA: Coop, what?
1899
01:35:44,198 --> 01:35:46,492
Who is it?
It's Reggie.
1900
01:35:50,663 --> 01:35:52,415
COOPER: Reggie Jackson.
1901
01:35:56,502 --> 01:35:59,088
Well, go. Go ahead.
1902
01:36:09,181 --> 01:36:12,226
Reggie.
Coop. Nice going out there.
1903
01:36:12,852 --> 01:36:15,396
Thanks, man.
But, you know,
I got to tell you.
1904
01:36:15,521 --> 01:36:19,191
It's because of you
that I'm here.
That's nice to know.
1905
01:36:19,525 --> 01:36:23,195
I brought this for you.
I saw some kid try to leave
the ballpark with it.
1906
01:36:23,320 --> 01:36:24,864
You got to hang on
to that.
1907
01:36:24,989 --> 01:36:27,658
I got the two home run balls
I hit in the World Series.
1908
01:36:28,367 --> 01:36:31,370
Some wretched little shit
got the third one.
1909
01:36:32,538 --> 01:36:34,248
That sucks, dude.
1910
01:36:35,416 --> 01:36:38,127
I got to get my trophy.
Maybe we can have
a hot dog sometime?
1911
01:36:38,210 --> 01:36:40,588
All right, sounds good.
Hey, Coop!
1912
01:36:40,713 --> 01:36:43,048
I don't have
your fucking ball!
1913
01:36:45,384 --> 01:36:47,219
Good luck next year.
1914
01:36:47,428 --> 01:36:48,929
Oh. Thanks.
1915
01:36:51,348 --> 01:36:52,766
Hey, Baxter!
1916
01:36:53,684 --> 01:36:55,019
Got milk?
1917
01:36:55,561 --> 01:36:57,021
Oh, I'm sorry!
1918
01:36:57,104 --> 01:36:59,064
(SCREAMING, GURGLING)
1919
01:37:00,441 --> 01:37:03,194
And so, on behalf of
the National
BASEketball League,
1920
01:37:03,277 --> 01:37:06,697
we'd like to
present to the Beers
this year's Denslow Cup.
1921
01:37:06,780 --> 01:37:08,449
Congratulations!
1922
01:37:09,283 --> 01:37:11,452
Go ahead,
and take a victory lap.
1923
01:37:11,577 --> 01:37:13,704
And so, as they skate off,
all you can think about is
1924
01:37:13,787 --> 01:37:17,750
a team that
conquered adversity,
a team that overcame the odds,
1925
01:37:17,875 --> 01:37:20,002
a team that defied
the critics,
1926
01:37:20,085 --> 01:37:22,963
a team that blah,
blah, blah, blah...
1927
01:37:23,088 --> 01:37:27,968
NARRATOR: And so, the ideal
of sports once again
blossomed from a tiny seed,
1928
01:37:28,427 --> 01:37:31,805
nurtured, as always,
by the dreams of the young.
1929
01:37:31,931 --> 01:37:35,643
Yeah! I'm the King
of the World! Yeah!
1930
01:37:36,936 --> 01:37:38,270
(SCREAMS)
1931
01:37:46,695 --> 01:37:49,865
MAN: (SINGING)
You've been psyched out
and you're goin' down
1932
01:37:49,949 --> 01:37:52,952
I'm the trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown
1933
01:37:53,035 --> 01:37:55,955
I will abuse you
until you lose
1934
01:37:56,038 --> 01:37:59,959
You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out
1935
01:38:05,422 --> 01:38:07,633
You talked to 20 men
Your shoe's untied
1936
01:38:07,716 --> 01:38:09,510
And your mama never loved you
1937
01:38:09,593 --> 01:38:11,303
Mama never loved you
1938
01:38:11,387 --> 01:38:13,722
She said she did
but she's ugly and she lies
1939
01:38:13,806 --> 01:38:15,474
She's never thinkin' of you
1940
01:38:15,558 --> 01:38:17,351
Mama doesn't love you
1941
01:38:17,434 --> 01:38:20,312
You ain't cut
from the right cloth
1942
01:38:20,396 --> 01:38:22,606
You don't got what it takes
1943
01:38:23,482 --> 01:38:27,069
Now you blew it
Oh, another stupid mistake
1944
01:38:27,152 --> 01:38:28,696
Another bad, bad break
1945
01:38:28,779 --> 01:38:31,699
You been psyched out
and you're goin' down
1946
01:38:31,782 --> 01:38:34,994
I'm a trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown
1947
01:38:35,077 --> 01:38:37,663
I will abuse you
until you lose
1948
01:38:37,746 --> 01:38:41,750
You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out
1949
01:38:43,335 --> 01:38:44,837
Oh, yeah!
1950
01:39:01,520 --> 01:39:05,524
Doorways open up and close
1951
01:39:05,608 --> 01:39:08,694
More ways to a punch line
1952
01:39:09,737 --> 01:39:13,907
They're all laughin'
at your clothes
1953
01:39:13,991 --> 01:39:17,119
Standin' in
the lunch line
1954
01:39:17,202 --> 01:39:19,204
You're the talk
of the town
1955
01:39:19,288 --> 01:39:21,290
First you're up
then you're down
1956
01:39:21,373 --> 01:39:26,003
It's a cycle I've found
It always comes around
1957
01:39:26,086 --> 01:39:31,884
But I will still be laughin'
1958
01:39:34,470 --> 01:39:40,267
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1959
01:39:43,729 --> 01:39:47,816
Air raids in the afternoon
1960
01:39:47,900 --> 01:39:50,861
The children are playin'
1961
01:39:51,904 --> 01:39:56,241
Switchblades
Colored red balloons
1962
01:39:56,325 --> 01:39:59,161
No one hears you prayin'
1963
01:39:59,244 --> 01:40:03,415
And it comes back to you
All the things that you do
1964
01:40:03,499 --> 01:40:08,087
They'll come lookin' for you
They'll come lookin' for you
1965
01:40:08,170 --> 01:40:13,926
But I will still be laughin'
1966
01:40:16,595 --> 01:40:22,309
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1967
01:41:03,684 --> 01:41:07,771
Doorways lead to other rooms
1968
01:41:07,855 --> 01:41:10,816
Always leave you lyin'
1969
01:41:12,067 --> 01:41:16,029
Face down in a stranger's tomb
1970
01:41:16,113 --> 01:41:19,158
Didn't know you were dyin'
1971
01:41:19,241 --> 01:41:21,285
And you rise and you fall
1972
01:41:21,368 --> 01:41:23,579
And you wait for the call
1973
01:41:23,662 --> 01:41:28,083
You're watchin' the walls
You're watchin' the walls
1974
01:41:28,167 --> 01:41:33,589
But I will still be laughin'
1975
01:41:36,842 --> 01:41:42,014
I will still be laughin'
1976
01:41:44,975 --> 01:41:50,397
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1977
01:41:53,650 --> 01:41:58,906
I will still be laughin'
1978
01:42:01,784 --> 01:42:07,331
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1979
01:42:10,459 --> 01:42:15,380
I will still be laughin'
1980
01:42:15,464 --> 01:42:19,593
Laughin', laughin', laughin'
1981
01:42:21,845 --> 01:42:23,597
Laughin'
1982
01:42:27,267 --> 01:42:32,606
I will still be laughin'
1983
01:42:35,526 --> 01:42:40,656
Yes, I will still be laughin'
1984
01:42:40,739 --> 01:42:44,910
Laughin', laughin', laughin'
1985
01:42:47,246 --> 01:42:49,581
Laughin'
1986
01:42:51,708 --> 01:42:54,253
Dude.
Dude.
1987
01:42:54,336 --> 01:42:57,464
Dude.
Dude.
149577
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