All language subtitles for Hacks.(2021).S02E04.The.Captain

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal) Download
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,904 --> 00:00:03,040 - Ladies, why do compression socks always 2 00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:05,776 make you look like you're about to be wheeled onto an airplane? 3 00:00:05,876 --> 00:00:07,778 They scream, "I'm old." 4 00:00:07,878 --> 00:00:10,547 Well, not me and not these. 5 00:00:10,614 --> 00:00:11,915 You want compression socks 6 00:00:12,015 --> 00:00:15,185 that say "Paris," not "hospice." 7 00:00:15,252 --> 00:00:16,753 You want-- [engine turning over] 8 00:00:16,853 --> 00:00:17,921 God damn it, Weed! 9 00:00:18,021 --> 00:00:19,356 You ruined another take. 10 00:00:19,423 --> 00:00:21,124 It's so hot, Deb! 11 00:00:21,225 --> 00:00:23,460 We need to turn on the air conditioner! 12 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,263 - Well, as soon as I get a clean take, you can. 13 00:00:26,363 --> 00:00:28,298 Sweltering! 14 00:00:28,398 --> 00:00:30,801 - Uh, and, Deborah, you forgot the American flag print. 15 00:00:30,901 --> 00:00:32,202 Ugh. 16 00:00:32,269 --> 00:00:35,472 Stupid fucking American flag! Okay. 17 00:00:35,572 --> 00:00:37,374 - Okay, uh, let's go from Halloween. 18 00:00:37,441 --> 00:00:38,742 All right. 19 00:00:38,809 --> 00:00:40,477 - Ugh, you ready? - Yeah. 20 00:00:40,577 --> 00:00:41,778 - Okay. - Ready. 21 00:00:42,746 --> 00:00:45,582 - Now, pay special attention to these. 22 00:00:45,649 --> 00:00:48,418 Look at those little witches flying on their little brooms. 23 00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:50,320 Look at that artistry. 24 00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:51,455 Fabulous. 25 00:00:52,155 --> 00:00:54,558 - Whew, those compression socks are fierce. 26 00:00:54,625 --> 00:00:55,659 What do you want? 27 00:00:55,759 --> 00:00:57,060 Oh, uh, I was just thinking 28 00:00:57,127 --> 00:00:58,662 maybe I should stay back with Damien and Weed 29 00:00:58,762 --> 00:00:59,930 while you're on the cruise. 30 00:00:59,997 --> 00:01:01,431 - You're coming, and you'll love it. 31 00:01:01,498 --> 00:01:03,734 Cruises are fabulous, especially gay ones. 32 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,902 - Sure, but being in the middle of the ocean 33 00:01:05,969 --> 00:01:07,771 is maybe the scariest thing I can imagine, 34 00:01:07,838 --> 00:01:09,406 since I can't swim. 35 00:01:10,774 --> 00:01:13,810 - You can't? - Yeah, I told you that. 36 00:01:13,910 --> 00:01:15,145 Huh. 37 00:01:15,245 --> 00:01:17,514 Must have blocked it out 'cause it's so sad. 38 00:01:17,614 --> 00:01:20,083 - You'll wear a life jacket. - All right. 39 00:01:20,150 --> 00:01:21,652 I guess gay men will be a good test audience 40 00:01:21,752 --> 00:01:23,153 for the show, so it's good if I'm there. 41 00:01:23,253 --> 00:01:24,821 - No. No, no, no, no, no. 42 00:01:24,921 --> 00:01:26,523 No. This is a money gig. 43 00:01:26,623 --> 00:01:27,858 The people want the old stuff. 44 00:01:27,958 --> 00:01:31,328 I'm doing the classics for my people. 45 00:01:31,428 --> 00:01:32,763 Wealth hoarders? 46 00:01:34,364 --> 00:01:35,632 [laughs] 47 00:01:35,699 --> 00:01:37,167 Sorry. 48 00:01:37,267 --> 00:01:39,036 Okay. 49 00:01:39,136 --> 00:01:40,370 Fucking hell. 50 00:01:40,470 --> 00:01:41,471 Fuck! 51 00:01:41,538 --> 00:01:44,541 [upbeat electronic music playing] 52 00:01:44,641 --> 00:01:45,976 ♪ ♪ 53 00:01:46,043 --> 00:01:47,377 I was like, "Listen, bitch. 54 00:01:47,477 --> 00:01:49,212 You have cankles. Don't tell me what to do." 55 00:01:49,313 --> 00:01:50,514 Mm. 56 00:01:50,614 --> 00:01:51,782 - Mark, do you want some of this? 57 00:01:51,848 --> 00:01:53,950 - Okay, again, it is Marcus. 58 00:01:54,017 --> 00:01:56,186 And no, I have a breakfast meeting across town. 59 00:01:56,286 --> 00:01:57,454 - Wait, you're going to work right now? 60 00:01:57,521 --> 00:01:59,022 Yup, it is 7:00 a.m. 61 00:01:59,122 --> 00:02:01,558 - Babe, we're your friends, and you need to make sure 62 00:02:01,658 --> 00:02:03,493 you're prioritizing your mental health, okay? 63 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,495 - Seriously, like, we're not doing double shifts 64 00:02:05,562 --> 00:02:07,964 until this weekend so we can have the week off. 65 00:02:08,031 --> 00:02:09,366 - Okay, no offense, but I'm not a waiter. 66 00:02:09,466 --> 00:02:12,569 - I'm a CEO. - [chuckles] Okay, Gru. 67 00:02:12,669 --> 00:02:14,304 [laughter] 68 00:02:14,371 --> 00:02:15,405 Who is Gru? 69 00:02:15,505 --> 00:02:16,740 From "Despicable Me." 70 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,575 Leader of the Minions, honey. 71 00:02:18,675 --> 00:02:20,577 [laughter] 72 00:02:20,677 --> 00:02:22,546 - Oh, shit, can I get a couple Addies? 73 00:02:22,646 --> 00:02:24,381 - David, you just literally did cocaine. 74 00:02:24,481 --> 00:02:26,883 Yeah, I did. It's gone now. 75 00:02:26,983 --> 00:02:28,218 Here. 76 00:02:28,318 --> 00:02:29,519 All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow night. 77 00:02:29,586 --> 00:02:31,221 Okay, go make a deal, Gru. 78 00:02:31,321 --> 00:02:33,223 Bye, Gru! 79 00:02:33,323 --> 00:02:34,691 - [laughter] - Bye, boys. 80 00:02:34,758 --> 00:02:35,926 - Wait, let's crush this. Let's crush this. 81 00:02:36,026 --> 00:02:37,260 Okay. 82 00:02:38,495 --> 00:02:40,731 Huh. Lot of ladies. 83 00:02:42,599 --> 00:02:44,935 - Hey, Deb! - Oh, my God. 84 00:02:45,035 --> 00:02:46,770 Margaret Cho. [laughs] 85 00:02:46,870 --> 00:02:48,772 Great to see you. You look great. 86 00:02:48,872 --> 00:02:50,941 - You look great. - Thanks. 87 00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:52,609 - So how were they? - Uh, 88 00:02:52,709 --> 00:02:54,277 audiences, B-minus, 89 00:02:54,378 --> 00:02:56,947 but the cunnilingus, A-plus. 90 00:02:57,047 --> 00:02:58,415 Huh. 91 00:02:58,515 --> 00:03:02,085 I-I thought this was a gay cruise. 92 00:03:02,185 --> 00:03:03,253 It is. 93 00:03:03,353 --> 00:03:04,621 Lesbians. 94 00:03:04,721 --> 00:03:08,291 [ship horn blares] 95 00:03:08,392 --> 00:03:09,760 Good luck, Deb. 96 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:12,763 [upbeat music] 97 00:03:12,863 --> 00:03:16,299 ♪ ♪ 98 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,468 Oh. This is amazing. 99 00:03:18,568 --> 00:03:19,803 No wonder you love cruises. 100 00:03:19,903 --> 00:03:21,371 They're like the Vegas of the sea. 101 00:03:21,438 --> 00:03:22,606 No, it's terrible. 102 00:03:22,706 --> 00:03:25,142 Gay men get me. They always have. 103 00:03:25,242 --> 00:03:26,943 Lesbians aren't my crowd. 104 00:03:27,043 --> 00:03:28,645 And they're crawling all over this boat. 105 00:03:28,745 --> 00:03:30,213 - Oh, it's not a boat. It's a ship. 106 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,316 - See? They don't like me for some reason. 107 00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:35,452 - Could it be your hundreds of thousands 108 00:03:35,552 --> 00:03:38,221 of jokes at their expense over the years? 109 00:03:41,091 --> 00:03:43,393 - I think they feel threatened. - Okay. 110 00:03:43,460 --> 00:03:46,129 I actually meant this was amazing for me, so... 111 00:03:46,229 --> 00:03:48,098 Nice Chacos! 112 00:03:48,165 --> 00:03:50,400 Nice Chacos to you. 113 00:03:50,467 --> 00:03:51,568 What'd you say? 114 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:57,674 Hey. 115 00:03:57,774 --> 00:03:59,342 Do you guys by any chance make mocktails? 116 00:03:59,443 --> 00:04:00,777 Yup, what can I get you? 117 00:04:00,844 --> 00:04:02,279 - I'm trying not to drink alcohol right now 118 00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:04,014 'cause I make very bad decisions when I do, 119 00:04:04,114 --> 00:04:05,348 which I know is like, "Duh," 120 00:04:05,449 --> 00:04:06,917 but when I think about the person-- 121 00:04:06,983 --> 00:04:08,351 What can I get you? 122 00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:10,020 - Could you do a nonalcoholic frosé? 123 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,421 Yeah. 124 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:16,126 Well, hello there, m'lady. 125 00:04:16,193 --> 00:04:17,260 Hey, how's it going? 126 00:04:17,327 --> 00:04:18,929 I don't think I have seen you 127 00:04:18,995 --> 00:04:21,097 on one of these trips before. 128 00:04:21,164 --> 00:04:22,766 No, uh, first time, so... 129 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:26,002 - I know I'd remember that strawberry mane. 130 00:04:26,102 --> 00:04:28,371 - [laughs nervously] - Lord. 131 00:04:28,472 --> 00:04:30,373 - Yeah. - I'm Linda. 132 00:04:30,474 --> 00:04:32,175 Uh, Ava. 133 00:04:32,275 --> 00:04:33,210 Nice to meet you. 134 00:04:33,310 --> 00:04:34,611 Ava. 135 00:04:35,979 --> 00:04:37,547 Oh. 136 00:04:37,647 --> 00:04:41,051 [people giggling] 137 00:04:41,151 --> 00:04:44,054 Wow. Who are they? 138 00:04:44,154 --> 00:04:45,355 Oh, them. 139 00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:47,390 They come on all these cruises. 140 00:04:47,491 --> 00:04:49,793 They're a real Lavender Travel "it" couple. 141 00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:51,828 - So they're together? - Oh, yeah. 142 00:04:51,895 --> 00:04:56,233 But a lot of people open their relationships at sea. 143 00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:59,369 Rules on land don't apply, you know? 144 00:04:59,469 --> 00:05:00,704 Right. 145 00:05:00,804 --> 00:05:02,572 - That makes so much sense. - Right. 146 00:05:02,672 --> 00:05:05,408 Water is different from land. 147 00:05:05,509 --> 00:05:06,476 [both chuckle] 148 00:05:06,543 --> 00:05:08,211 Can you dump alcohol in that? 149 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,383 - Your pheromones are rocking, mama. 150 00:05:13,483 --> 00:05:14,751 [chuckles nervously] 151 00:05:14,851 --> 00:05:16,052 Yeah. 152 00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:19,222 I've been trying you. 153 00:05:19,322 --> 00:05:20,924 Your assistant said you were at anger management? 154 00:05:21,024 --> 00:05:23,059 - She's not supposed to tell people that, but yes. 155 00:05:23,159 --> 00:05:24,394 Uh, it's horrible. 156 00:05:24,494 --> 00:05:26,696 Russell Crowe is my accountability partner. 157 00:05:26,763 --> 00:05:28,098 Does he scream a lot? 158 00:05:28,198 --> 00:05:29,666 Worse. He just whispers. 159 00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:31,067 Pretty sure he's a climate terrorist, 160 00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:32,435 because he talks a lot 161 00:05:32,536 --> 00:05:34,604 about "finding the oilmen in their homes." 162 00:05:34,704 --> 00:05:36,706 - Oh, my God. - Chilling. 163 00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:38,909 - Anyway, how are you? - Not great. 164 00:05:39,009 --> 00:05:41,177 I'm surrounded by lesbians. 165 00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:43,780 - Huh. I did want to talk to you, actually, 166 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,049 - about the casino showcase. - Oh, good. 167 00:05:46,116 --> 00:05:48,785 - Okay, hear me out. Kind of interesting idea here. 168 00:05:48,885 --> 00:05:51,454 What do you think about a residency 169 00:05:51,555 --> 00:05:53,290 at Terrible's casino? 170 00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:55,725 - Jimmy, Terrible's is 40 minutes off the Strip. 171 00:05:55,792 --> 00:05:58,128 - I know. I know it's not ideal. 172 00:05:58,228 --> 00:06:00,430 Look, I have been having some trouble 173 00:06:00,530 --> 00:06:01,965 booking casinos on the Strip 174 00:06:02,065 --> 00:06:04,868 or, honestly, even slightly off the Strip. 175 00:06:06,903 --> 00:06:09,272 - Well, just, you know, 176 00:06:09,372 --> 00:06:11,041 keep--keep on 'em. 177 00:06:11,107 --> 00:06:12,709 - Yeah, I-I will. 178 00:06:12,776 --> 00:06:17,047 And, um, good luck with the, um, lesbians. 179 00:06:17,113 --> 00:06:18,815 Yeah, thanks, Jimmy. Okay. 180 00:06:18,915 --> 00:06:20,550 I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye. 181 00:06:20,617 --> 00:06:22,953 Hey. How's Jimmy? 182 00:06:23,053 --> 00:06:25,155 - He's good, and good news about the showcase. 183 00:06:25,255 --> 00:06:27,757 - MGM is very interested. - Amazing. 184 00:06:27,824 --> 00:06:30,260 And in more amazing news, I've been thinking. 185 00:06:30,327 --> 00:06:32,462 And since we're in international waters, 186 00:06:32,562 --> 00:06:35,398 I think it's different, and so I can drink. 187 00:06:35,465 --> 00:06:36,800 I don't care. 188 00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,668 These are just artificial rules 189 00:06:38,768 --> 00:06:40,837 you make up for yourself. 190 00:06:40,937 --> 00:06:42,839 You should be writing jokes for me. 191 00:06:42,939 --> 00:06:44,741 I mean, you speak lesbian, right, 192 00:06:44,808 --> 00:06:46,910 - 'cause you're half? - Deborah. 193 00:06:46,977 --> 00:06:48,411 Deborah Vance? 194 00:06:48,478 --> 00:06:50,513 Oh, my God, I can't believe you're on this cruise. 195 00:06:50,614 --> 00:06:53,016 - Hi. - See? You have fans here. 196 00:06:53,116 --> 00:06:56,086 - I bought a pair of your jean-ish ankle leggings on QVC. 197 00:06:56,152 --> 00:06:58,121 - Oh, one of the best sellers, yeah. 198 00:06:58,188 --> 00:06:59,789 Feels like you're not wearing pants. 199 00:06:59,856 --> 00:07:02,158 Cheaper than taking a family of four to the movies. 200 00:07:02,258 --> 00:07:04,961 - Yeah, well, the elastic band gave out after one wash. 201 00:07:05,996 --> 00:07:08,632 I've been trying to return them for months. 202 00:07:08,698 --> 00:07:10,533 - Oh. Well, you know what? 203 00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:12,369 I think you'll find that if you contact 204 00:07:12,469 --> 00:07:14,471 our crack QVC customer care service team, 205 00:07:14,537 --> 00:07:16,706 they will take care of you in a jiffy. 206 00:07:16,806 --> 00:07:19,042 You'll have to excuse us. We're going to the buffet. 207 00:07:19,142 --> 00:07:20,944 - Mm. I've been wanting to go the buffet. 208 00:07:21,011 --> 00:07:22,312 I would never. 209 00:07:22,379 --> 00:07:24,014 I'm not gonna eat food that's been seasoned 210 00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:26,016 with the breath of 300 people, thank you very much. 211 00:07:26,116 --> 00:07:27,651 Okay, well, I'm gonna go. 212 00:07:27,717 --> 00:07:29,452 Bon appétit. 213 00:07:29,519 --> 00:07:31,054 [funky music] 214 00:07:31,154 --> 00:07:34,224 - ♪ Gotta let a woman be a woman ♪ 215 00:07:34,324 --> 00:07:36,726 ♪ And let a man be a man ♪ 216 00:07:36,826 --> 00:07:38,228 - I'm fairly certain I sent that email. 217 00:07:38,328 --> 00:07:39,496 Is there no way to avoid delay? 218 00:07:39,562 --> 00:07:41,331 Jesus. [indistinct chatter] 219 00:07:41,398 --> 00:07:43,033 No, not you. Sorry. 220 00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,135 Let me call you right back. 221 00:07:45,201 --> 00:07:46,903 What are you doing here? 222 00:07:47,003 --> 00:07:48,705 I told you I needed to get work done today. 223 00:07:48,805 --> 00:07:52,008 - Well, Joe looked like he needed a belly rub. 224 00:07:52,075 --> 00:07:53,576 - What do you mean looked like? - Well, 225 00:07:53,677 --> 00:07:56,646 we watch the puppy on the puppy cam all day. 226 00:07:56,713 --> 00:07:58,014 What? Why? 227 00:07:58,081 --> 00:08:00,183 - Well, because we needed a puppy fix 228 00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:02,819 and you have a puppy. 229 00:08:04,421 --> 00:08:07,023 - Honey, your place is a mess, by the way. 230 00:08:07,090 --> 00:08:10,093 You cannot be employee of the month 231 00:08:10,193 --> 00:08:13,596 and be the last one to leave the club every night, Marcus. 232 00:08:13,697 --> 00:08:15,732 - So you break into my house, then tell me how to live. 233 00:08:15,832 --> 00:08:17,200 - Honey, I'm just trying to help. 234 00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:18,768 Okay, Mom, stop. I'll get it. 235 00:08:18,868 --> 00:08:20,236 I'll take care of it, just like I take care 236 00:08:20,336 --> 00:08:21,871 of you two and everything else. 237 00:08:21,938 --> 00:08:24,174 - Excuse me, I am very self-sufficient. 238 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,943 Who are you talking to? You better check your boy. 239 00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:29,913 Okay, maybe we should go. 240 00:08:30,013 --> 00:08:31,214 Yeah, I think you should. 241 00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:33,049 And I'm changing my puppy cam password. 242 00:08:33,116 --> 00:08:34,584 - Well, good, 'cause I don't want to see you 243 00:08:34,684 --> 00:08:36,619 walk around butt-ass naked noway. 244 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,055 Oh, my God. 245 00:08:39,122 --> 00:08:42,759 - ♪ Mama told me to watch out ♪ 246 00:08:42,859 --> 00:08:45,462 ♪ You better look out, look out ♪ 247 00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:48,865 So, Dad, 248 00:08:48,932 --> 00:08:52,268 you always wanted to see the Caribbean. 249 00:08:52,368 --> 00:08:53,937 Hey. 250 00:08:54,037 --> 00:08:55,205 Hey. 251 00:08:55,271 --> 00:08:56,372 You play? 252 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,142 Oh, uh, tennis? 253 00:08:59,242 --> 00:09:00,944 Yeah, I hit. 254 00:09:01,044 --> 00:09:02,746 So annoyed there's not a court on the boat. 255 00:09:02,812 --> 00:09:05,381 - It's a ship. - Oh, right, sorry. 256 00:09:05,448 --> 00:09:07,484 - But, um, do you know where pool two is? 257 00:09:07,584 --> 00:09:08,918 - Yeah. Yeah, it's just-- 258 00:09:08,985 --> 00:09:10,453 I think it's just past the zip line. 259 00:09:10,553 --> 00:09:12,422 Thanks. 260 00:09:14,424 --> 00:09:16,426 Are you going to the "she-ano" bar tonight? 261 00:09:16,493 --> 00:09:19,062 Uh, yeah, I'll be there. 262 00:09:19,129 --> 00:09:22,432 Music is-- lets my soul on fire, 263 00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:25,335 - so yeah, I'm going. - Great. 264 00:09:25,435 --> 00:09:28,004 I can't wait to see you then. 265 00:09:28,104 --> 00:09:31,674 - Uh, you--I--also. 266 00:09:31,775 --> 00:09:34,577 ♪ I, I, I ♪ 267 00:09:34,644 --> 00:09:37,580 ♪ Am somebody ♪ 268 00:09:37,647 --> 00:09:39,015 ♪ ♪ 269 00:09:39,115 --> 00:09:40,517 I heard there are 270 00:09:40,617 --> 00:09:42,952 multiple Olympic athletes on board. 271 00:09:43,019 --> 00:09:44,587 Apparently if we were a country, 272 00:09:44,654 --> 00:09:48,191 we'd place at least fifth in medals overall--at least. 273 00:09:48,291 --> 00:09:49,659 Yippee. 274 00:09:49,759 --> 00:09:51,094 You want to come out tonight, 275 00:09:51,161 --> 00:09:54,197 be my wingman--wing...person? 276 00:09:54,297 --> 00:09:55,865 - No, I'm gonna stay, and I'm gonna take 277 00:09:55,965 --> 00:09:57,200 one of those depression naps 278 00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:58,668 you're always raving about. 279 00:09:58,768 --> 00:10:00,537 Okay, jealous. 280 00:10:00,637 --> 00:10:02,539 [cell phone chimes and buzzes] 281 00:10:02,639 --> 00:10:05,875 - Oh, no. I missed a call from Marcus. 282 00:10:05,975 --> 00:10:07,443 Ugh, I'm gonna murder him. 283 00:10:07,510 --> 00:10:09,012 This is not like him. 284 00:10:09,112 --> 00:10:10,713 He messed this cruise up big-time. 285 00:10:10,814 --> 00:10:12,816 - Well, maybe you need to blow off some steam. 286 00:10:12,882 --> 00:10:14,117 No, thank you. 287 00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:15,852 But if you're planning on seducing 288 00:10:15,952 --> 00:10:18,354 any of these women out there, you should fix your nails. 289 00:10:18,454 --> 00:10:20,023 - I did them. They're beautiful. 290 00:10:20,123 --> 00:10:21,858 - Yeah, if you did them while riding a jackhammer. 291 00:10:21,958 --> 00:10:23,459 - [scoffs] - No, look, 292 00:10:23,526 --> 00:10:24,727 let me clean them up. 293 00:10:24,828 --> 00:10:25,895 Okay. 294 00:10:25,995 --> 00:10:28,064 [cell phone ringing] 295 00:10:28,164 --> 00:10:30,533 [gasps] Marty. 296 00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:32,402 Why is Marty FaceTiming me? 297 00:10:32,502 --> 00:10:35,371 - FaceTime at night? Maybe he wants to, you know. 298 00:10:35,471 --> 00:10:36,673 No. 299 00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:37,740 How's my lipstick? 300 00:10:37,841 --> 00:10:39,309 - It looks good. - [groans] 301 00:10:39,375 --> 00:10:42,245 Shit, why does he do these things to me? 302 00:10:42,345 --> 00:10:44,214 Oh, my God, you're stunning. 303 00:10:46,516 --> 00:10:48,218 Hey, hey. Hello. 304 00:10:48,318 --> 00:10:50,420 - God damn it. Chunked that one. 305 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,922 Hello? Marty. 306 00:10:53,022 --> 00:10:55,258 Oh, hey, Deb. 307 00:10:55,358 --> 00:10:57,260 I must have butt-dialed you. 308 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,494 How you doing? 309 00:10:58,561 --> 00:11:00,563 Oh, um, I'm great. 310 00:11:00,663 --> 00:11:01,998 I'm good. How are you? 311 00:11:02,065 --> 00:11:03,766 - I'm over 90 with three holes to go. 312 00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:06,603 But other than that, I'm doing great. 313 00:11:06,703 --> 00:11:08,271 - Over 90 with three holes to go? 314 00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:09,672 You sound like Hugh Hefner. 315 00:11:09,739 --> 00:11:11,274 - [chuckles] Listen, I gotta run. 316 00:11:11,374 --> 00:11:13,443 Take care. Hey, thanks for calling, Deb. 317 00:11:13,543 --> 00:11:14,911 - I didn't call-- [FaceTime disconnects] 318 00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:22,252 Golf is racist, right? 319 00:11:22,352 --> 00:11:24,287 - Go wash your hands. - Absolutely. 320 00:11:24,387 --> 00:11:27,290 [soft music] 321 00:11:27,390 --> 00:11:32,629 ♪ ♪ 322 00:11:35,965 --> 00:11:37,467 Can I ask you something? 323 00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:39,269 - Oh, God. - [chuckles] 324 00:11:39,369 --> 00:11:41,371 - You know, with all the invasive questions 325 00:11:41,437 --> 00:11:44,307 you ask without permission, I can only imagine what 326 00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:46,376 perverse road we're about to go down. 327 00:11:46,442 --> 00:11:48,912 No, it's just... 328 00:11:48,978 --> 00:11:50,313 I've been thinking about the way 329 00:11:50,413 --> 00:11:54,584 you talk about sex in your act, and... 330 00:11:54,651 --> 00:11:59,923 you have all these jokes about unfulfilling sex with men. 331 00:11:59,989 --> 00:12:01,824 - It's just a part of my shtick. 332 00:12:01,925 --> 00:12:04,260 Right, but... 333 00:12:04,327 --> 00:12:06,996 that plus what I think would be considered 334 00:12:07,096 --> 00:12:10,466 an abundance of k.d. lang material-- 335 00:12:10,566 --> 00:12:13,937 I'm not trying to negate your identity, but... 336 00:12:14,604 --> 00:12:17,507 Have you ever considered 337 00:12:17,607 --> 00:12:19,242 being with a woman? 338 00:12:19,309 --> 00:12:21,010 Yeah. 339 00:12:21,110 --> 00:12:23,413 I'm with one right now, and I wish I wasn't. 340 00:12:23,479 --> 00:12:26,149 Okay. Come on. 341 00:12:26,249 --> 00:12:27,784 I like men. 342 00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,686 So no, I've never considered it. 343 00:12:29,786 --> 00:12:32,455 There are times that I wished I was gay 344 00:12:32,522 --> 00:12:34,324 because I think dating women would be 345 00:12:34,424 --> 00:12:36,859 a hell of a lot easier. 346 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,629 - But it wouldn't have actually been, right? 347 00:12:39,696 --> 00:12:42,131 To be queer when you grew up? 348 00:12:43,299 --> 00:12:45,668 - No, no, it wouldn't have been. 349 00:12:46,669 --> 00:12:47,971 But doesn't really matter. 350 00:12:48,037 --> 00:12:49,339 You know, I got a crush on Paul McCartney 351 00:12:49,439 --> 00:12:51,808 in seventh grade and never looked back. 352 00:12:51,874 --> 00:12:54,110 - That is the straightest Beatle to have a crush on. 353 00:12:54,177 --> 00:12:59,282 But have you ever considered, like, why you like men? 354 00:12:59,349 --> 00:13:01,351 - I don't understand that question. 355 00:13:01,451 --> 00:13:03,319 In my day, there were two options: 356 00:13:03,386 --> 00:13:04,721 you liked one, or you liked the other. 357 00:13:04,821 --> 00:13:06,222 I mean, why do some people like jazz, 358 00:13:06,322 --> 00:13:07,390 some people like classical? 359 00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:09,392 You just like what you like. 360 00:13:09,492 --> 00:13:11,494 Sure, but that's the thing. 361 00:13:11,561 --> 00:13:16,132 I have listened to all kinds of music, 362 00:13:16,199 --> 00:13:18,835 and I'm not saying you're wrong to like men-- 363 00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:20,903 I am into men too, sadly-- 364 00:13:21,004 --> 00:13:23,239 but I just, like-- 365 00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:28,211 I've realized that sometimes I conflate the rush I feel 366 00:13:28,311 --> 00:13:30,179 when a man shows interest in me 367 00:13:30,246 --> 00:13:32,415 with actual feelings of attraction, 368 00:13:32,515 --> 00:13:34,650 which makes sense because it feels good 369 00:13:34,717 --> 00:13:36,853 to get attention from the group that's held up as, like, 370 00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:40,757 the leader gods of society or whatever. 371 00:13:40,857 --> 00:13:43,426 - But I thought you were born gay or straight, 372 00:13:43,526 --> 00:13:45,995 and I have conceded that there are 373 00:13:46,062 --> 00:13:48,598 an elite few that are born bisexual. 374 00:13:48,698 --> 00:13:50,600 I mean, isn't that what your generation's all about, 375 00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,268 you know, "born this way"? 376 00:13:52,368 --> 00:13:54,003 - I just think there's room for more nuance. 377 00:13:54,070 --> 00:13:58,174 Like, not every queer person feels like they arrive 378 00:13:58,241 --> 00:14:00,209 into existence with an attraction to, like, 379 00:14:00,276 --> 00:14:04,547 a specific kind of person, and that's okay too. 380 00:14:04,614 --> 00:14:07,250 Your sexuality isn't a choice, 381 00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:12,422 but whether or not you examine it, I think, is. 382 00:14:13,756 --> 00:14:14,791 Hmm. 383 00:14:16,526 --> 00:14:18,194 - Do you even know where you are on the Kinsey scale? 384 00:14:18,261 --> 00:14:19,695 It's a really handy tool. 385 00:14:19,762 --> 00:14:21,864 So it measures your orientation from zero to six. 386 00:14:21,931 --> 00:14:23,266 I could pull it up on my phone. 387 00:14:23,366 --> 00:14:24,534 I just, like, keep it open on a tab-- 388 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,702 - I know what the Kinsey scale is. 389 00:14:26,769 --> 00:14:28,738 Thank you, Professor, for the seminar. 390 00:14:28,805 --> 00:14:31,474 The Kinsey scale is older than I am. 391 00:14:31,574 --> 00:14:32,975 Oh, God, I just depressed myself. 392 00:14:33,076 --> 00:14:34,644 I do need to go out for a drink. 393 00:14:34,744 --> 00:14:36,546 - Whoa, whoa. What about the rest of my manicure? 394 00:14:36,612 --> 00:14:37,880 Oh, who cares? 395 00:14:37,947 --> 00:14:39,415 Just put your left hand in your pocket. 396 00:14:39,482 --> 00:14:40,917 If it'll fit. 397 00:14:40,983 --> 00:14:43,986 [soft piano music playing] 398 00:14:44,087 --> 00:14:46,489 ♪ ♪ 399 00:14:46,589 --> 00:14:48,224 Thank you. Thanks. 400 00:14:48,291 --> 00:14:51,994 ♪ ♪ 401 00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:54,130 - That's them. - Hmm? 402 00:14:55,665 --> 00:14:57,834 Oh. 403 00:14:57,934 --> 00:15:02,672 And have you examined why you feel attracted to these gals? 404 00:15:02,772 --> 00:15:03,840 - [clicks tongue, inhales sharply] 405 00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:05,508 Because they're extremely hot. 406 00:15:05,608 --> 00:15:06,676 - Mm-hmm. 407 00:15:06,776 --> 00:15:08,111 But do you feel that society 408 00:15:08,177 --> 00:15:10,513 has programmed you to feel this way? 409 00:15:10,613 --> 00:15:13,316 - You know, not society at large. 410 00:15:13,416 --> 00:15:14,750 More so "The L Word" 411 00:15:14,817 --> 00:15:17,153 and the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team. 412 00:15:17,253 --> 00:15:19,856 - [sighs] Okay, I'll be your wingman. 413 00:15:21,591 --> 00:15:23,192 Okay. 414 00:15:23,292 --> 00:15:25,094 Watch and learn. 415 00:15:28,297 --> 00:15:29,632 Excuse me, ladies. 416 00:15:29,699 --> 00:15:31,467 Would you settle a bet for us? 417 00:15:31,534 --> 00:15:32,835 - Sure. - Sure. 418 00:15:32,935 --> 00:15:34,437 I gave my... 419 00:15:34,504 --> 00:15:36,706 platonic traveling partner a manicure 420 00:15:36,806 --> 00:15:38,207 on one hand only, 421 00:15:38,307 --> 00:15:40,843 and we want you to pick the one you think is best. 422 00:15:40,943 --> 00:15:43,045 Yeah, let's see it. 423 00:15:45,181 --> 00:15:47,049 both: The right. 424 00:15:48,117 --> 00:15:50,553 - Wow, your hands are so soft. - Insane. 425 00:15:50,653 --> 00:15:52,822 - Oh, that's the Sisleya L'Integral Anti-Age 426 00:15:52,889 --> 00:15:54,223 Hand Care Concentrate. 427 00:15:54,323 --> 00:15:56,359 It's all about active botanicals. 428 00:15:56,459 --> 00:15:58,194 You guys into botanicals? 429 00:16:00,129 --> 00:16:01,697 - Well, to be honest, 430 00:16:01,797 --> 00:16:03,299 we think it's a binary and... 431 00:16:03,366 --> 00:16:04,667 you're just born gay or straight. 432 00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:06,802 - Totally, totally. 100%. 433 00:16:09,071 --> 00:16:10,706 [cell phone buzzing] 434 00:16:10,806 --> 00:16:12,875 Oh, fuck. 435 00:16:12,975 --> 00:16:14,343 - Well, listen, we gotta go meet up 436 00:16:14,410 --> 00:16:15,878 with a date for the rest of the night. 437 00:16:15,978 --> 00:16:19,048 - Okay, well, uh, nice talking to you guys. 438 00:16:19,148 --> 00:16:21,017 - Would you want to hang tomorrow? 439 00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:23,986 Drinks by the pool at, like, 10:00? 440 00:16:24,053 --> 00:16:27,323 - Yes, that would be-- yeah, that'd be great. 441 00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:28,591 - Cool. - Great. 442 00:16:28,691 --> 00:16:30,092 - Well, we'll see you then. - All right. 443 00:16:30,193 --> 00:16:32,495 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 444 00:16:38,201 --> 00:16:39,936 I'm on the books. 445 00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:46,776 You're welcome. 446 00:16:46,876 --> 00:16:53,950 ♪ ♪ 447 00:16:55,785 --> 00:16:59,622 - I'm sorry, I hate to be that person, but... 448 00:16:59,722 --> 00:17:01,123 I'm such a fan. 449 00:17:01,223 --> 00:17:02,858 Oh, please don't apologize. 450 00:17:02,925 --> 00:17:04,860 I love you being that person. 451 00:17:04,927 --> 00:17:06,429 [both chuckling] 452 00:17:06,529 --> 00:17:08,197 - You're hilarious. - Oh. 453 00:17:08,264 --> 00:17:09,632 - No, but seriously, you're just 454 00:17:09,732 --> 00:17:11,867 so amazing in everything that you do. 455 00:17:11,934 --> 00:17:13,469 Thank you. [chuckles] 456 00:17:13,569 --> 00:17:15,972 - Marla. - Oh, Deborah. 457 00:17:16,072 --> 00:17:17,139 Nice to meet you. 458 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,541 Well, I don't want to take any more 459 00:17:18,608 --> 00:17:20,142 of your time, uh, Deborah, 460 00:17:20,242 --> 00:17:23,246 but I just-- thank you, thanks. 461 00:17:25,081 --> 00:17:27,483 - Marla. - Yeah? 462 00:17:29,919 --> 00:17:32,221 - Would you like to buy me a drink? 463 00:17:32,922 --> 00:17:34,290 Absolutely. 464 00:17:35,224 --> 00:17:37,159 [both chuckle] 465 00:17:37,260 --> 00:17:38,761 Excuse me. 466 00:17:38,828 --> 00:17:42,398 [indistinct chatter] 467 00:17:42,465 --> 00:17:45,101 ["(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" playing on piano] 468 00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:46,969 ♪ When I knew I had ♪ 469 00:17:47,069 --> 00:17:48,237 Oh. 470 00:17:48,304 --> 00:17:50,106 Oh, I love that song. 471 00:17:50,172 --> 00:17:52,275 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 472 00:17:52,341 --> 00:17:56,145 I've gotta-- I've gotta get closer. 473 00:17:56,245 --> 00:17:59,148 - ♪ Before for the day I met you ♪ 474 00:17:59,248 --> 00:18:01,317 ♪ Life was so unkind ♪ 475 00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:05,354 ♪ You're the key to my peace of mind ♪ 476 00:18:05,454 --> 00:18:08,190 ♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪ 477 00:18:08,291 --> 00:18:11,127 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 478 00:18:11,193 --> 00:18:13,462 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 479 00:18:13,529 --> 00:18:16,432 both: ♪ Like a natural woman ♪ 480 00:18:16,499 --> 00:18:19,602 - I'm sorry. I'm gonna take this now. 481 00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:23,539 ♪ And when my soul was in the lost and found ♪ 482 00:18:23,639 --> 00:18:25,374 [cheers and applause] 483 00:18:25,474 --> 00:18:28,811 ♪ You came along to claim it ♪ 484 00:18:28,878 --> 00:18:31,013 Oh. 485 00:18:31,113 --> 00:18:34,717 - ♪ I didn't know just what was wrong with me ♪ 486 00:18:34,817 --> 00:18:36,519 [laughter] 487 00:18:36,619 --> 00:18:40,556 ♪ Till your kiss helped me name it ♪ 488 00:18:40,656 --> 00:18:42,058 ♪ ♪ 489 00:18:42,158 --> 00:18:45,027 ♪ Now I'm no longer doubtful ♪ 490 00:18:45,127 --> 00:18:47,396 ♪ Of what I'm living for ♪ 491 00:18:47,496 --> 00:18:51,334 ♪ And if I make you happy, I don't have to do more ♪ 492 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,737 all: ♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪ 493 00:18:54,837 --> 00:18:57,340 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 494 00:18:57,406 --> 00:19:03,546 ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ 495 00:19:03,646 --> 00:19:05,715 [cheers and applause] 496 00:19:05,815 --> 00:19:08,984 - ♪ Oh, baby, what you done to me ♪ 497 00:19:09,051 --> 00:19:11,087 all: ♪ Done to me ♪ 498 00:19:11,187 --> 00:19:15,257 - ♪ You make me feel so good inside ♪ 499 00:19:15,358 --> 00:19:18,027 all: ♪ Good inside ♪ 500 00:19:18,094 --> 00:19:20,563 ♪ And I just want to be ♪ 501 00:19:20,663 --> 00:19:22,765 all: ♪ Want to be ♪ 502 00:19:22,865 --> 00:19:26,202 ♪ Close to you, you make me feel so alive ♪ 503 00:19:26,268 --> 00:19:29,205 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 504 00:19:29,271 --> 00:19:32,041 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 505 00:19:32,108 --> 00:19:38,280 ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ 506 00:19:38,381 --> 00:19:40,950 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 507 00:19:41,050 --> 00:19:43,919 ♪ You make me feel ♪ 508 00:19:44,019 --> 00:19:49,725 ♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪ 509 00:19:49,792 --> 00:19:52,795 [cheers and applause] 510 00:19:52,895 --> 00:19:56,932 ♪ ♪ 511 00:19:57,032 --> 00:20:00,136 [cheers and applause] 512 00:20:05,708 --> 00:20:08,644 - Hey, hey, hey. How 'bout another one? 513 00:20:08,744 --> 00:20:10,079 all: Yeah! 514 00:20:14,450 --> 00:20:16,452 - Okay, that cover needs to be on iTunes. 515 00:20:16,552 --> 00:20:19,288 - Oh! [laughs] Stop. 516 00:20:21,290 --> 00:20:22,992 Ava, Ava, Ava, I was thinking about 517 00:20:23,092 --> 00:20:24,660 what you said last night, and look at me. 518 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,662 Look at me. I'm eating at the buffet. 519 00:20:26,762 --> 00:20:29,565 - Buffets aren't inherently queer, but sure. 520 00:20:29,632 --> 00:20:31,133 - See you at your show tonight, Deb. 521 00:20:31,233 --> 00:20:32,735 Oh, can't wait. 522 00:20:33,936 --> 00:20:35,471 I can't believe how wrong I was. 523 00:20:35,571 --> 00:20:38,774 I mean, I should have embraced lesbians years ago. 524 00:20:38,841 --> 00:20:41,444 They love women, and I'm a fabulous one. 525 00:20:41,510 --> 00:20:43,779 I mean, it just makes perfect sense. 526 00:20:43,846 --> 00:20:46,949 I'm a high femme, apparently. 527 00:20:47,016 --> 00:20:48,751 Just learned that in the buffet line. 528 00:20:48,818 --> 00:20:50,085 [chuckles] 529 00:20:50,152 --> 00:20:51,520 Nice Chacos. 530 00:20:52,788 --> 00:20:55,024 Ladies and ladies, 531 00:20:55,124 --> 00:20:57,359 please welcome to the stage 532 00:20:57,460 --> 00:21:00,429 Deborah Vance! 533 00:21:00,496 --> 00:21:02,531 [Pharrell Williams' "Happy" playing] 534 00:21:02,631 --> 00:21:04,800 [cheers and applause] 535 00:21:04,867 --> 00:21:06,502 Oh, no. 536 00:21:06,602 --> 00:21:07,970 She's doing Ellen. 537 00:21:08,037 --> 00:21:09,605 ♪ ♪ 538 00:21:09,672 --> 00:21:12,374 - ♪ With the air, like I don't care ♪ 539 00:21:12,475 --> 00:21:14,944 ♪ Baby, by the way ♪ 540 00:21:15,010 --> 00:21:16,679 ♪ Because I'm happy ♪ 541 00:21:16,779 --> 00:21:18,848 ♪ Clap along if you feel ♪ 542 00:21:18,948 --> 00:21:22,184 ♪ Like a room without a roof ♪ 543 00:21:22,284 --> 00:21:23,652 You know, I gotta say, 544 00:21:23,719 --> 00:21:26,155 I can't believe so many women came tonight... 545 00:21:26,222 --> 00:21:29,191 [cheers and applause] And all at the same time. 546 00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:30,893 ♪ Clap along if you feel ♪ 547 00:21:30,993 --> 00:21:33,462 ♪ Like that's what you want to do ♪ 548 00:21:33,529 --> 00:21:35,064 ♪ ♪ 549 00:21:35,164 --> 00:21:39,001 [MEDUZA, Becky Hill, Goodboys' "Lose Control" playing] 550 00:21:39,068 --> 00:21:42,071 - ♪ I need your love, I need your love ♪ 551 00:21:42,171 --> 00:21:46,008 - So now I'm like, "Fuck it, I'm gonna start voting." 552 00:21:46,075 --> 00:21:47,977 Wait, you never voted before? 553 00:21:49,545 --> 00:21:51,347 - You want some? - What is it? 554 00:21:51,413 --> 00:21:53,649 - Whiskey, we snuck it in. - God. 555 00:21:53,716 --> 00:21:56,185 Here. Open up a tab and get whatever you want. 556 00:21:56,252 --> 00:21:58,354 - Yes! - Thanks, Daddy. Excuse me. 557 00:21:58,420 --> 00:22:01,223 ♪ ♪ 558 00:22:01,323 --> 00:22:04,326 - ♪ Could you be the one to call ♪ 559 00:22:04,393 --> 00:22:05,594 Be right back. 560 00:22:05,694 --> 00:22:09,431 ♪ ♪ 561 00:22:09,532 --> 00:22:10,533 Oh, my God, hi. 562 00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:12,701 Oh. Whoa. 563 00:22:12,768 --> 00:22:14,436 It's so good to see you. 564 00:22:14,537 --> 00:22:16,105 I thought you hated clubs. 565 00:22:16,205 --> 00:22:18,407 - Oh, I do. But now I like it. 566 00:22:19,942 --> 00:22:22,077 Oh, my God, how was Zion? "Zi-un"? 567 00:22:22,177 --> 00:22:25,281 - Zion. It was really fun. 568 00:22:25,381 --> 00:22:27,082 I really wanted to go, but... 569 00:22:27,182 --> 00:22:29,451 I guess I really fucked that up. 570 00:22:29,552 --> 00:22:31,287 I don't know what's wrong with me. 571 00:22:31,387 --> 00:22:33,756 - I don't really think this is the place to have that convo. 572 00:22:33,856 --> 00:22:35,624 But maybe we can talk another time. 573 00:22:35,724 --> 00:22:36,926 We can't. 574 00:22:37,026 --> 00:22:38,460 I blocked your number. 575 00:22:38,561 --> 00:22:41,964 - Oh, okay. Wow. - Yeah. I had to. 576 00:22:42,064 --> 00:22:44,300 I don't trust myself not to call or text you. 577 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,902 And if I do call or text you, I don't trust myself 578 00:22:46,969 --> 00:22:48,571 not to tell you that I love you, 579 00:22:48,637 --> 00:22:51,440 which I shouldn't say 'cause you don't love me back. 580 00:22:51,540 --> 00:22:53,976 I'm saying it now because I'm on Molly. 581 00:22:54,076 --> 00:22:56,111 - Molly. - Yeah. 582 00:22:56,211 --> 00:22:57,646 Got ya. 583 00:22:57,746 --> 00:22:59,148 - But I do mean what I'm saying. 584 00:22:59,248 --> 00:23:01,150 I'm just saying it 'cause I'm on Molly. 585 00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:02,952 - Well, yeah, I heard you the first time. 586 00:23:03,052 --> 00:23:05,554 - Are you here with anyone? - Yeah. 587 00:23:05,621 --> 00:23:06,722 Over there. 588 00:23:07,890 --> 00:23:09,959 Oh, those guys. 589 00:23:10,059 --> 00:23:11,327 Yeah. 590 00:23:11,427 --> 00:23:13,395 - Wilson, I want you to meet someone. 591 00:23:13,462 --> 00:23:14,563 One sec. 592 00:23:15,931 --> 00:23:17,433 Do you have a ride home? 593 00:23:17,499 --> 00:23:19,668 Yeah. Why? 594 00:23:19,768 --> 00:23:21,303 I can go with you. 595 00:23:21,403 --> 00:23:23,172 Oh. 596 00:23:23,272 --> 00:23:27,476 No, no. I'm just making sure. 597 00:23:27,576 --> 00:23:28,944 Take care, okay? 598 00:23:29,011 --> 00:23:30,346 Okay. 599 00:23:30,446 --> 00:23:32,948 - ♪ Could you be the one to call ♪ 600 00:23:33,015 --> 00:23:35,684 ♪ When I lose control ♪ 601 00:23:35,784 --> 00:23:39,188 - [laughter] - It's terrible. 602 00:23:39,288 --> 00:23:40,689 You know, I have to tell you guys, 603 00:23:40,789 --> 00:23:43,025 I've had the best time here. 604 00:23:43,125 --> 00:23:45,327 Thank you so much. 605 00:23:45,427 --> 00:23:47,696 Truly, truly. 606 00:23:47,796 --> 00:23:49,798 And I'm gonna tell you something honestly. 607 00:23:49,865 --> 00:23:53,035 When I first found out I was booked on a lesbian cruise, 608 00:23:53,135 --> 00:23:54,303 I was angry. 609 00:23:54,370 --> 00:23:55,638 [laughter] 610 00:23:55,704 --> 00:23:58,607 But you have welcomed me with open arms, 611 00:23:58,674 --> 00:24:00,776 and I am so flattered. 612 00:24:00,843 --> 00:24:03,012 [cheers and applause] 613 00:24:03,112 --> 00:24:04,446 And if you know me at all, you know 614 00:24:04,513 --> 00:24:06,548 that flattery is my biggest turn-on. 615 00:24:06,649 --> 00:24:09,051 [laughter] 616 00:24:09,151 --> 00:24:13,122 I mean, I should have known women know how to treat women. 617 00:24:13,188 --> 00:24:16,325 [cheers and applause] 618 00:24:17,993 --> 00:24:19,228 I mean, what have I been doing 619 00:24:19,328 --> 00:24:21,530 all these years, wasting my time with men? 620 00:24:21,630 --> 00:24:24,299 I mean, you have no idea what it's like waiting around 621 00:24:24,366 --> 00:24:27,403 all day for your partner to finish playing golf. 622 00:24:27,503 --> 00:24:29,471 [laughter] 623 00:24:29,538 --> 00:24:31,974 Well, probably because you were both playing golf. 624 00:24:32,041 --> 00:24:34,076 [laughter] 625 00:24:34,176 --> 00:24:36,712 Oh, she didn't like that one. 626 00:24:36,812 --> 00:24:38,580 She must be distracted. 627 00:24:38,681 --> 00:24:40,182 Excuse me, miss. 628 00:24:40,249 --> 00:24:42,084 My jokes are up here. 629 00:24:42,184 --> 00:24:44,420 - Don't worry, you're not really my type. 630 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,922 [audience murmuring] 631 00:24:47,022 --> 00:24:50,092 - Oh, she's not into me. This lesbian must be broken. 632 00:24:50,192 --> 00:24:51,927 [audience gasps] 633 00:24:52,027 --> 00:24:53,328 You wrote these? 634 00:24:53,395 --> 00:24:55,931 Doesn't sound like you, my fuego chick. 635 00:24:56,031 --> 00:24:57,933 - No, she's going off-book. 636 00:24:58,033 --> 00:25:00,569 - Eh, it's okay. Doesn't matter. 637 00:25:00,669 --> 00:25:02,938 I mean, I'm out of her league, right? 638 00:25:03,038 --> 00:25:04,940 [audience murmurs] 639 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,508 [person coughs] 640 00:25:08,010 --> 00:25:09,845 Oh, come on, I'm playing. 641 00:25:11,547 --> 00:25:14,083 I mean, I know I'm your type. 642 00:25:15,217 --> 00:25:17,352 Yeah, you were flirting with me all night. 643 00:25:17,419 --> 00:25:19,455 Uh, you're not. 644 00:25:19,555 --> 00:25:21,290 I was actually just trying to get my wife 645 00:25:21,390 --> 00:25:22,891 a refund for her leggings. 646 00:25:22,958 --> 00:25:25,294 [audience oohs] 647 00:25:25,394 --> 00:25:27,796 - Oh, Christ. Well, you know what? 648 00:25:27,896 --> 00:25:29,531 You're not my type either, lady. 649 00:25:29,598 --> 00:25:31,200 You're a lady. 650 00:25:31,266 --> 00:25:33,769 Good luck with your marriage. Your wife's obsessed with me. 651 00:25:33,869 --> 00:25:35,070 [audience gasps] 652 00:25:35,137 --> 00:25:37,072 No, I am not. 653 00:25:37,139 --> 00:25:38,373 No, I am not. 654 00:25:39,742 --> 00:25:41,777 - Hey, well, you, hey, you there in the second row. 655 00:25:41,877 --> 00:25:44,747 I mean, would you date me? I mean, you're reading a book. 656 00:25:44,813 --> 00:25:47,649 - Um, actually, I'm married to the captain. 657 00:25:47,750 --> 00:25:49,651 - The captain. Oh, God. Bring him out. 658 00:25:49,752 --> 00:25:51,420 I love a man in uniform. 659 00:25:51,487 --> 00:25:53,555 She's a woman. 660 00:25:53,622 --> 00:25:55,924 The captain's a woman? 661 00:25:56,825 --> 00:25:58,227 Oh, God. 662 00:25:58,293 --> 00:26:00,496 Hope we don't have to parallel park this thing. 663 00:26:00,596 --> 00:26:01,630 [audience groans] 664 00:26:01,730 --> 00:26:04,066 Oh, please. 665 00:26:04,133 --> 00:26:05,834 It's not a lesbian joke. 666 00:26:05,934 --> 00:26:08,337 It's a woman joke. Everyone hates women! 667 00:26:08,437 --> 00:26:10,939 [audience booing] What? They do. 668 00:26:14,676 --> 00:26:15,844 Well, you missed! 669 00:26:15,944 --> 00:26:18,680 I thought you were all Olympians! 670 00:26:18,781 --> 00:26:22,785 [shoe thuds, audience gasps] 671 00:26:22,851 --> 00:26:24,086 Shit. 672 00:26:24,153 --> 00:26:27,122 [upbeat rock music] 673 00:26:27,189 --> 00:26:30,292 ♪ ♪ 674 00:26:35,964 --> 00:26:38,934 [soft dramatic music] 675 00:26:39,001 --> 00:26:41,770 ♪ ♪ 676 00:26:41,837 --> 00:26:43,172 Joe, did you chew this? 677 00:26:46,441 --> 00:26:47,442 Joe? 678 00:26:47,509 --> 00:26:51,180 [dog whimpering] 679 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:52,314 Joe? 680 00:26:58,821 --> 00:27:00,722 [shushing] 681 00:27:00,823 --> 00:27:02,024 Fuck. 682 00:27:02,124 --> 00:27:04,226 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 683 00:27:04,326 --> 00:27:06,061 [dog whining] 684 00:27:06,161 --> 00:27:09,164 Can someone help? Please? 685 00:27:09,231 --> 00:27:11,466 - Sir, please calm down. What happened? 686 00:27:11,533 --> 00:27:12,868 - I think he got into some Adderall 687 00:27:12,968 --> 00:27:14,503 when I was at Queergasm-- um, an event. 688 00:27:14,570 --> 00:27:17,639 - Okay. Just give him to me and have a seat. 689 00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:21,410 Sam, I need you. 690 00:27:24,046 --> 00:27:27,049 [dogs barking] 691 00:27:28,016 --> 00:27:30,485 - ♪ You used to know me, now you don't ♪ 692 00:27:30,552 --> 00:27:32,054 ♪ ♪ 693 00:27:32,154 --> 00:27:36,425 ♪ You used to hypnotize me did it so easy ♪ 694 00:27:36,525 --> 00:27:39,094 - Shots? - At 10:00 a.m.? 695 00:27:39,194 --> 00:27:41,430 - Why not? - Sure, I mean, 100%. 696 00:27:41,530 --> 00:27:43,599 Don't talk to me till I've had my vodka, you know? 697 00:27:43,699 --> 00:27:44,867 - Mm-hmm. 698 00:27:46,101 --> 00:27:48,770 - [gags] Tastes weird after toothpaste. 699 00:27:48,871 --> 00:27:50,038 [laughter] 700 00:27:50,105 --> 00:27:52,708 - Wow, okay, you're hot and funny? 701 00:27:52,774 --> 00:27:54,843 I guess. 702 00:27:54,910 --> 00:27:57,112 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 703 00:27:57,212 --> 00:27:59,047 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 704 00:27:59,114 --> 00:28:00,782 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 705 00:28:00,883 --> 00:28:02,885 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 706 00:28:02,951 --> 00:28:05,187 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 707 00:28:05,254 --> 00:28:07,089 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 708 00:28:07,189 --> 00:28:09,124 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 709 00:28:09,224 --> 00:28:10,926 ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ 710 00:28:11,026 --> 00:28:12,794 ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ 711 00:28:12,895 --> 00:28:15,797 ♪ You used to know me, now you don't ♪ 712 00:28:19,234 --> 00:28:20,269 Ugh. 713 00:28:22,237 --> 00:28:24,106 - Hi. - Miss Vance. 714 00:28:24,206 --> 00:28:25,307 Yes. 715 00:28:25,407 --> 00:28:26,975 - Can I speak to you for a moment? 716 00:28:27,075 --> 00:28:28,143 Of course. 717 00:28:28,243 --> 00:28:29,244 A lot of the guests 718 00:28:29,311 --> 00:28:30,913 were very offended last night, 719 00:28:30,979 --> 00:28:32,814 especially the captain's wife. 720 00:28:32,915 --> 00:28:34,616 And apparently you hit someone with a shoe. 721 00:28:34,716 --> 00:28:36,885 It was thrown at me. 722 00:28:36,952 --> 00:28:38,320 I was returning it. 723 00:28:38,420 --> 00:28:40,222 - Well, the passengers have held a quorum. 724 00:28:40,289 --> 00:28:41,323 A quorum? 725 00:28:41,423 --> 00:28:42,324 There's been a vote, 726 00:28:42,424 --> 00:28:43,926 and they want you off. 727 00:28:43,992 --> 00:28:45,494 Off? 728 00:28:45,594 --> 00:28:48,497 [people giggling] 729 00:28:48,597 --> 00:28:51,433 Ouch, that's a nasty bruise. 730 00:28:51,500 --> 00:28:53,835 - Oh, yeah, I got bored in my room, 731 00:28:53,936 --> 00:28:56,838 and I tried to do a cartwheel, and I hit my leg really hard. 732 00:28:56,939 --> 00:28:59,174 Aww. Poor baby. 733 00:29:00,809 --> 00:29:02,744 Should I kiss it? 734 00:29:05,113 --> 00:29:06,815 Yeah. 735 00:29:06,915 --> 00:29:10,452 - ♪ I'll be fucked up if you can't be right here ♪ 736 00:29:10,519 --> 00:29:14,323 ♪ Oh, whoa ♪ 737 00:29:14,423 --> 00:29:18,293 ♪ Oh, whoa ♪ 738 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:22,197 ♪ Oh, whoa ♪ 739 00:29:22,297 --> 00:29:23,832 ♪ I'll be fucked up ♪ 740 00:29:23,932 --> 00:29:25,200 - Ava! [music winds down] 741 00:29:25,300 --> 00:29:26,501 Get your shit. We're leaving. 742 00:29:26,601 --> 00:29:28,136 [stammering] 743 00:29:28,203 --> 00:29:29,638 Leaving? What? 744 00:29:29,705 --> 00:29:32,541 No, we're in the middle of the ocean, and...no! 745 00:29:32,641 --> 00:29:33,875 - Yeah, well, there was a quorum, 746 00:29:33,976 --> 00:29:35,477 and it didn't go our way. We're off. 747 00:29:35,544 --> 00:29:38,280 - Okay, well, I'll meet you at the dock, then. 748 00:29:38,347 --> 00:29:40,349 - The dinghy will be here in ten. 749 00:29:40,449 --> 00:29:41,550 Dinghy? 750 00:29:41,650 --> 00:29:44,720 [ship horn blares] 751 00:29:46,388 --> 00:29:47,689 - Right this way. Right this way, Miss Vance. 752 00:29:47,789 --> 00:29:48,991 I'm fine. 753 00:29:49,057 --> 00:29:50,225 Watch your step. 754 00:29:50,325 --> 00:29:51,526 - Let go of me. - Watch your step. 755 00:29:51,626 --> 00:29:53,228 Let go of me! 756 00:29:54,329 --> 00:29:56,732 Why didn't you just make us walk the fucking plank? 757 00:29:56,832 --> 00:29:58,633 Hey, Deborah! 758 00:29:58,700 --> 00:30:01,136 Try again, bitch. 759 00:30:01,203 --> 00:30:02,337 What? Oh! 760 00:30:05,507 --> 00:30:07,075 - Piece-of-shit leggings. 761 00:30:07,175 --> 00:30:08,143 [scoffs] 762 00:30:08,210 --> 00:30:11,246 [engine rumbling] 763 00:30:11,346 --> 00:30:13,582 Bye. 764 00:30:20,022 --> 00:30:21,757 - You know what, Deborah? 765 00:30:21,857 --> 00:30:26,094 Your orientation isn't gay or straight. 766 00:30:26,194 --> 00:30:28,597 It's egomaniac. 767 00:30:28,697 --> 00:30:31,366 - Ah, this waistband is kind of loose. 768 00:30:32,768 --> 00:30:35,937 Yeah, should have done another round of testing. 769 00:30:38,106 --> 00:30:39,441 Oh, no. 770 00:30:40,675 --> 00:30:43,078 [sighs] The Molly's hitting. 771 00:30:43,178 --> 00:30:44,279 What? 772 00:30:44,379 --> 00:30:46,515 - I might have to dance. - You did Molly? 773 00:30:46,581 --> 00:30:47,783 [k.d. lang's "Constant Craving"] 774 00:30:47,883 --> 00:30:49,785 ♪ Constant ♪ 775 00:30:49,885 --> 00:30:52,020 Okay, I can't watch this. 776 00:30:52,087 --> 00:30:55,891 ♪ Craving ♪ 777 00:30:55,957 --> 00:30:57,292 ♪ Has always ♪ 778 00:30:57,392 --> 00:30:59,761 - [gasps] Oh, oh, is that a dolphin? 779 00:30:59,861 --> 00:31:01,463 Right there. 780 00:31:01,563 --> 00:31:04,032 - No, that's trash. - Oh, God. 781 00:31:04,099 --> 00:31:07,536 ♪ Craving ♪ 782 00:31:07,602 --> 00:31:10,305 ♪ ♪ 783 00:31:16,278 --> 00:31:18,480 - Hey, buddy. - Oh, Sam, Sam, no. 784 00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:20,482 We are not releasing that dog right now. 785 00:31:20,582 --> 00:31:22,484 - What? - I'm sorry, but... 786 00:31:22,584 --> 00:31:23,885 you're clearly on drugs, 787 00:31:23,952 --> 00:31:26,788 and it is my professional and moral obligation 788 00:31:26,888 --> 00:31:28,156 to keep this animal from harm. 789 00:31:28,256 --> 00:31:29,958 - Okay, you can't keep my dog from me. 790 00:31:30,058 --> 00:31:31,393 I actually can. 791 00:31:31,460 --> 00:31:32,961 - Okay, this is ridiculous. I'm fine, okay? 792 00:31:33,061 --> 00:31:35,130 I'm a responsible person. I can take care of a dog. 793 00:31:35,230 --> 00:31:37,732 I-I run a fucking multimillion-dollar company! 794 00:31:38,900 --> 00:31:41,803 [soft music] 795 00:31:41,903 --> 00:31:46,575 ♪ ♪ 796 00:31:46,641 --> 00:31:48,944 Can my mother pick him up? 797 00:31:49,978 --> 00:31:51,113 Sure. 798 00:31:52,614 --> 00:31:53,815 Put him in room three. 799 00:31:53,915 --> 00:31:59,154 ♪ ♪ 800 00:31:59,254 --> 00:32:02,023 [cell phone buzzing] 801 00:32:02,124 --> 00:32:03,592 Shit. 802 00:32:03,658 --> 00:32:04,693 Deborah. 803 00:32:04,793 --> 00:32:07,095 It was not a gay cruise. 804 00:32:07,162 --> 00:32:09,531 It was a lesbian cruise! 805 00:32:09,631 --> 00:32:11,199 - Oh, no. - Oh, yes. 806 00:32:11,299 --> 00:32:13,535 I was almost a victim of unprovoked 807 00:32:13,635 --> 00:32:14,836 physical violence. 808 00:32:14,936 --> 00:32:16,805 I'm sorry. 809 00:32:16,872 --> 00:32:18,540 Where have you been? 810 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:20,208 Fuck. 811 00:32:20,308 --> 00:32:22,377 Look, I'm so sorry. 812 00:32:22,477 --> 00:32:24,212 I thought I read that contract, but I must have just 813 00:32:24,312 --> 00:32:25,714 DocuSigned it quickly. 814 00:32:25,814 --> 00:32:27,382 And I was dealing with Roy that day, 815 00:32:27,482 --> 00:32:29,317 and I approved the wrong lookbook, 816 00:32:29,384 --> 00:32:31,520 and it goes into production today, 817 00:32:31,620 --> 00:32:33,889 and, Deborah, I know it's no excuse, 818 00:32:33,989 --> 00:32:36,525 but I haven't been sleeping well lately. 819 00:32:36,625 --> 00:32:38,527 And my dog... 820 00:32:38,627 --> 00:32:40,061 Oh, Marcus. Marcus. 821 00:32:40,162 --> 00:32:42,864 Don't worry. Don't worry. 822 00:32:42,964 --> 00:32:46,334 Look, look, why don't you come join us on the road? 823 00:32:46,401 --> 00:32:48,336 Wait, why? 824 00:32:48,403 --> 00:32:50,839 You need me? Is Alice not working out? 825 00:32:50,906 --> 00:32:53,742 Yeah, yeah. 826 00:32:53,842 --> 00:32:57,045 Yeah, she's gone, so I do need you. 827 00:32:57,145 --> 00:32:59,080 Okay. 828 00:32:59,181 --> 00:33:00,916 I'll be on the next flight. 829 00:33:01,016 --> 00:33:02,417 Good, great. 830 00:33:02,517 --> 00:33:04,085 Okay, I'll see you soon. 831 00:33:04,186 --> 00:33:05,921 See you soon. 832 00:33:11,860 --> 00:33:13,995 They kicked you off the boat? 833 00:33:15,764 --> 00:33:17,499 It's a ship, 834 00:33:17,566 --> 00:33:18,867 and you're fired. 835 00:33:20,936 --> 00:33:22,604 Hmm. 836 00:33:22,704 --> 00:33:25,106 Well, FYI, 837 00:33:25,207 --> 00:33:27,275 I ate some of your fancy cream 838 00:33:27,375 --> 00:33:28,877 'cause I thought it was dip. 839 00:33:29,844 --> 00:33:31,880 And it's really dangerous to keep it in the fridge. 840 00:33:43,058 --> 00:33:46,127 Good luck getting to Springfield on time! 841 00:33:46,228 --> 00:33:47,762 [sighs] 842 00:33:47,862 --> 00:33:51,466 ♪ Constant ♪ 843 00:33:51,566 --> 00:33:54,970 ♪ Craving ♪ 844 00:33:55,070 --> 00:34:01,142 ♪ Has always been ♪ 845 00:34:01,243 --> 00:34:03,311 ♪ ♪ 846 00:34:03,411 --> 00:34:06,314 ♪ Maybe ♪ 847 00:34:06,414 --> 00:34:10,952 ♪ A great magnet pulls ♪ 848 00:34:11,052 --> 00:34:14,489 ♪ All souls ♪ 849 00:34:14,589 --> 00:34:18,994 ♪ Towards truth ♪ 850 00:34:19,094 --> 00:34:25,734 ♪ Or maybe it is life itself ♪ 851 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,838 ♪ Feeds wisdom ♪ 852 00:34:29,938 --> 00:34:33,942 ♪ To its youth ♪ 853 00:34:34,009 --> 00:34:37,846 ♪ Constant ♪ 854 00:34:37,946 --> 00:34:41,516 ♪ Craving ♪ 855 00:34:41,616 --> 00:34:47,622 ♪ Has always been ♪ 856 00:34:47,689 --> 00:34:49,524 ♪ ♪ 857 00:34:49,624 --> 00:34:53,094 ♪ Craving ♪ 858 00:34:53,161 --> 00:34:54,863 ♪ ♪ 859 00:34:54,963 --> 00:34:57,799 ♪ Aha ♪ 860 00:34:57,866 --> 00:35:02,604 ♪ Constant craving ♪ 59450

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.