All language subtitles for Can.You.Keep.A.Secret.S01E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Shouldn't drive with that.
Blind spot.

- Yeah, I know.
- It's dangerous, Harold.

That's illegal.

Phew!

It's meant to commemorate Dad,

but if we don't plant it soon,
it'll die.

Which would make it
not a memorial of Dad -

more of a re-enactment.

But today's not good
cos I've got Widow Club

with Billie and Jean
and Pamela.

- Pamela's not a widow.
- I know,

but Jean worries that
she's lonely. It's annoying.

Sweet, though.

We have good fun, to be fair.

We have our own secret
handshake, like the Masons.

- I'd like to see that.
- Yeah, well, you can't.

You're not a widow.

- Pigfish has struck again.
- Oh, no, don't tell me.

I've got to buy him
a chippy tea.

Neha, he's a criminal,
not a stray cat.

I just want to keep him
out of trouble.

He is the trouble. He puts
petrol pumps up his arse.

It's a cry for help, Harry.

If you did that, would you want
to be judged, or cared for?

I wouldn't do it.

You can't say that
with any certainty.

I'd have to be at a pretty low
ebb to start doing that.

And anyway, you know,
petrol makes me sneeze.

Right. Look, I'm gonna be late.

Er, can you pick the boys up
tonight?

- Yeah, course, yeah.
- Good lad. Love you.

- I love you. Woof-woof.
- Meow!

Woof-woof.

- Tea, wasn't it?
- Yes, please.

Well, we haven't got any bags,
so that's coffee.

Actually, we haven't got
any milk, so that's Yakult.

Do you mind if I stretch
while we chat?

It's very important
after jogging.

Right. Except you don't jog.

Of course I jog.

You just saw me.

Are you joking?
That was not jogging.

- What was it, then?
- Walking.

You're wearing furry slippers.

Harold, would you for once,

for the love of God
and all that is holy,

not find something
to criticise?

Yeah, sorry.
I mean, I did bring a list,

but I guess that can wait.

But I'm very glad you're here.

Clearly.

I've got something for you.

Oh, no. You've not been to the
charity shop again, have you?

Jesus Christ.

The money from your dad's life
insurance finally came through.

In cash? What did you do? Take
insurance out with a cartel?

No, that was my decision.

You know how I feel
about the banks

after what they did
to Noel Edmonds.

There you are. £10,000.

I'll get you a carrier bag.

My God!

Harold! What's wrong?

Are you crying?

Oh, sorry. I thought
I was cheering you up.

What, by reducing my dad
to a bag of cash?

Well, I was impressed
by how much we got for him.

I didn't think I'd miss him
like this.

It's just, you know,
on TV shows, people say,

you know, "She's my mum,
but she's also my best friend."

Yeah.

Well, obviously
we've never had that.

- Mm-hm.
- Now he's not here,

I've realised
Dad was my best friend.

Oh, Harold.

You really should have
friends your own age.

You're all right, though,
aren't you?

Yeah.

Sort of. I mean, the doctor's
put me on antidepressants.

What? He hasn't.

It was a she, actually.

Harold, why have they done that
to you?

You're not depressed, are you?

You've got nothing
to be depressed about.

Why didn't you come
and talk to me?

It's not a big deal. It's not.

I mean,
lots of people take them.

Yeah, but they're people
from broken homes,

tattooed wackits
with proper problems.

Like, um, Pigfish,
you know Pigfish in town?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know that
he puts petrol pumps up his...?

- Yeah, I know.
- Right. Did you know

that Pamela has to clean off
the nozzles?

If anyone should be
on antidepressants, it's her.

Mm.

I didn't know
you felt like this.

Didn't know you felt anything.

Is it my fault?

No.

Maybe a bit is, you know, 85%.

But I can't pin it all on you.

No, because your dad
deserves his fair share.

Harold...

- I'm sorry.
- So am I.

What?

Nothing. I just...

Oh.

- Um...
- Mum?

Look.

Can you keep a secret?

What is it?

Wait there.

Oh, my God.

Dad.

I didn't want to do it.

Now, you're probably wondering
what's been going on.

- No, not at all.
- Oh.

I think he's being sarcastic.

Are you being sarcastic?

Of course I'm being sarcastic!

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, we thought it best
to lie low

until the money came through.

They're very nosy,

- those insurance people.
- Yeah.

Some might say for good reason.

Mm, fair point.

You let me think you were dead
for two months.

Yeah, we've been meaning
to tell you,

but it's been a bit...

- Complicated.
- ..complicated. Yeah.

Has it?

Because right now you're acting

like you forgot
to put the bins out.

Right, OK. We'll take that
as feedback. Yeah.

- Did you put the bins out?
- It's not Tuesday, is it?

Oh, William,
have you missed the bin?

Sorry.
I thought it was Thursday.

- It is Thursday.
- No,

the bins go out on a Tuesday.

I don't know about your bins,
but today is Thursday.

Is it? So we have missed
the bins, then.

Stop talking about the bins!
Please, stop.

How are you alive?

Well, it's actually...

It's quite a funny story,
really. Um...

Tonight on Border Force
Australia...

It was a normal Wednesday
evening. We'd been watching TV.

- Border Force Australia.
- Have you seen it?

- It's very, very good.
- So good.

Some of the stuff they try

and smuggle in
is extraordinary.

Especially, dare I say it,
the Chinese.

- Oh, don't be racist.
- I'm not being racist.

I'm just fascinated
by their ingenuity.

There's one couple travelled

all the way from Shanghai
to Sydney

with 700 boiled eggs
hidden in cuckoo clocks.

- What's all that about?
- I don't care.

Oh. All right. Anyway,

your mother went
to make a cup of tea.

I'll be the one who makes it,
then, shall I?

Thank you very much.

And?

And we didn't have any teabags.

You never have
any bloody teabags.

- Don't swear.
- Oh, please,

just get on with it.

So I nipped to the shops.

Should have checked
your blind spot.

Oh, shut up, Harold.

But when I got back,

your dad was completely zonked.

Out for the count.

It's my own silly fault,
really,

because sometimes I struggle
to remember

when I've taken my Parky pills.

And that night, I was meant
to take them at eight o'clock,

wasn't I,
but then I remembered
that I'd forgotten

to take them earlier
in the day.

So I thought, "Aha,

I'll take
a double dose now and catch
up."

Unfortunately,
because of the Parkinson's,

what I'd forgotten to remember

is that I'd actually
not forgotten to remember

to take them
earlier in the day.

In fact, I remembered earlier

that I would more than likely
forget to take them later,

so I took a double dose earlier

in order to get ahead
for when I forgot later.

Which all in all...

Long story short,
I took 16 pills,

which frankly is enough
to tranquillize a hippopotamus.

And that's a full-size one,
not one of the pygmy ones.

Although they are lovely,
aren't they?

You know, the little snouts
and everything,

and the little
snuffling noises.

Anyway, yes. He completely
stopped breathing.

William?

William. Wake up!
Don't be silly now. Stop it!

William. Um....

Oh, look who's here.
The girls are here.

Look, there's your favourites.

Nyum, nyum, nyum.

No? William...

Stop mucking about.

Susanna Reid's got a skirt on.

No? William!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

So I called for an ambulance,

but they were all busy.
So then I called the GP.

Now, unfortunately, the GP
around here is Dr Harper.

- Why unfortunately?
- Because since Covid,

Dr Harper has developed very,
very, very bad health anxiety.

She's a doctor
with health anxiety?

Yep. Poor woman.

Every working
day her own personal Vietnam.

I don't really want
to touch him.

But he's... He's not breathing.

I really don't
like doing these.

What do you mean, these?

- Dead bodies.
- He's dead?

- He looks it, doesn't he?
- Well, I don't know.

I'm not a doctor.

Fine, I'll double-check.
What's he called again?

William.

William, can you hear me?

William.

William.

Yeah. No.

Do you have the time?

- What for?
- For the form, time of...

You know.

She's just crap.

Oh. Did you manage to record
the rest of Border Force?

I really want to know
why that man's cricket bag

was full of live crabs.

What?

You massive twat!

- It turns out I hadn't died.
- No shit.

Why didn't you tell someone

- it was a mistake?
- We tried!

I was on hold with the GP
all bloody morning.

It's Broken Britain, Harold.

Anyway, then I went over
to see the, um...

Oh, what do you call it?

The house of death.
The coffin shop.

- Funeral director?
- Yes, yes.

Wait. Why? There was no body.

Well, you'd have thought that,
wouldn't you?

He's dead. He can't speak.
He can't tell you, can he?

- I didn't lose it.
- Somebody lost it.

- Good afternoon, madam.
- Hello.

I hope you can help me.
It's about my husband.

Of course. Name?

William Fendon.

William Fendon?

You see, the thing is,

he's been declared dead, and,
um...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Would you excuse me

for one very quick moment,
please? Thank you.

- Good news.
- What?

- I found him.
- Who?

The bloke in there
whose paperwork you lost.

- I didn't lose it!
- You bloody did.

Anyway...

Sorry about that.
Would you like to see him?

Who?

William.
He's just through here.

No, no, that's the thing.
See, William isn't dead.

No. Of course.

Is that the death certificate?

Yes. See, that's what
I was trying to tell you.

Professional advice -
get lots of copies.

You'll need them
for the banks, savings,

and, of course,
any life insurance policies.

So...

Um... Well, I suppose
a quick peek wouldn't hurt.

I'll admit
that was a bit naughty.

I hope you're happy
with what we've done.

It's...

Yes. He looks lovely.

My...darling William.

If you want to have
a final moment with him,

please go ahead.

No, that's all right.
Thank you.

Please. I'm not here.

OK.

There, there.

- Thank you, um...
- Marcus.

..for this.

- It's an honour, Mrs Fendon.
- Thank you.

Some people like to have
a final kiss.

- Do they?
- Yes.

Do they?

- Do they?
- Oh, yes.

I'm not here.

Right.

Thank you for that.

They definitely do this,
do they?

Mm-hm. Oh, yes.

OK.

- On the lips?
- Exactly.

The things I do
for this family.

Shubh Diwali.

That's our special thing
that we say.

We had a funeral.

Are you telling me
we just cremated

some old bloke we'd never met?

Yes. Which actually
isn't much different

from a lot of blokes' funerals,
not least my own father's.

- This is too much.
- Yeah, it's too much.

But you know,
when life gives you lemonade...

You don't go out anyway.

I know, but at least
I've got the choice.

Well, you've had the choice
for 68 years.

What are you going
to start missing now?

Laser Quest?
Popping round Geoff's

- for a coffee and a crumpet?
- Who's Geoff?

Exactly. Geoff has lived

in this village
ever since we moved in,

and do you know what he'd say

if I told him,
"Oh, William's died"?

Er, "Oh, dear"?

No, he'd say, "Who's William?"

Because, my darling,
the wonderful thing about you

is that you might as well
have been dead

for the last 30 years.

In fact, the only person
on this planet

who's going to miss you

- is me.
- Yeah. And Harry.

- Well, yeah.
- And the grandchildren.

Oh, let's not push it.

But that's the point, isn't it?

Imagine what that money
could do for them.

We've been model citizens,
haven't we?

Yeah.

You know, we've paid our taxes.
We've paid our bills.

We haven't been
arrested...much.

And that ghastly
insurance company.

Paid all that money
all those years,

and what did they say
when you got your Parkinson's?

- It wasn't covered.
- Yeah, exactly.

The game is rigged.

We're the goodies!
We followed all the rules,

and what have we got
to show for it?

Sweet Fanny Adams's
empty fanny, that's what.

Middle of nowhere
in this dingy house

with a dodgy boiler
and a garden full of fox shit.

Is Geoff the one who shoves
petrol pumps up his jacksie?

- No, that's Pigfish.
- Oh!

- It's insane.
- Yes.

And I can understand why
you might feel a bit put out.

Put out?

I'm not emotionally
switched on, am I?

And we did want that money
for you and Neha and the boys.

There's more
where that came from.

Yeah, I know.
I've seen the bag.

How much did you get?

250,000.

Jesus Christ, you've stolen
a quarter of a million quid?!

We haven't stolen anything.

We have simply taken back
what we paid in.

Yeah, well,
plus a little bit more.

Don't be pedantic.
Those were expenses.

You two are
weapons-grade bonkers.

Balls.

That's Billie and Jean.

- Shamone!
- Must you do that every time?

Better get upstairs, then.

- Cooee!
- Oh, shit!

- Don't swear, Mother.
- Shut up, Harold,

you patronising chode.

Chode? I don't think you know
what that means.

We let ourselves in!
Hope you don't mind.

No!

- Come on in.
- How are you?

Why am I in here?

I'm alive.

Did you hear about Geoff
at the Londis?

- No...
- He fell head-first

into the croissant
display cabinet.

And they don't know whether
it's the plastic of the case

or a stale croissant,

but something sliced his face
right up.

- Oh, Lord.
- Yeah.

He'll have a big scar now.

He'll be unrecognisable.

Wouldn't a big scar
on your face

make you more recognisable?

"Which one's Geoff?"
"The one with the big scar."

Oh, this is interminable.

No, it's not so bad.

It's best when Pamela's not
here.

Why?
Because Billie's a narcoleptic

and Jean's completely blind.

So when it's just
the two of them and your mum

I can be in there with them
eating the posh biscuits

without any requirement
to make conversation.

It's pretty good, really.

Well,
surely they hear you munching.

No, because I suck
all the chocolate off first,

and then I let the biscuit
melt in my mouth.

Right.

I told Geoff
he needs stitches,

but he can't go
to the hospital now

cos they've ditched
the Durston route.

It's Broken Britain, Jean.

And he can't afford a cab,
so...

Oh, hello.

Can I use your bog, Deb?

- Yeah. Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.

You'll regret saying that.

Oh, that'll set me off.

What do you mean?

Well, once the idea of a pee
is put in my head,

I can't think
about anything else.

Are you serious?

Once the wee-wee wolf
is at the door,

he doesn't take no
for an answer.

It's like a Jehovah's Wolf.

Poor old Geoff, eh?

Will you excuse me a minute?

Where has she learned
that word?

She knows I'm sensitive
about being of stocky stature.

- Dad.
- Just a moment.

Ahh.

Oh, Dad.

This is a low.

Mm.

Girls, would you mind
dropping this in to Geoff

on your way home?

Just a little contribution
towards his taxi from me.

You're a good soul.

Well, no act of kindness
is ever wasted.

It is on Geoff.
That'll all go on OnlyFans.

Mm. Yeah.

You're still there? What have
you been doing all day?

I can't even begin to explain.

Hang on. Two cod meals, please.

And a saveloy, battered,
and a pickled egg.

And a curry sauce.
And a can of pop.

And one of them choc brownies
for afters.

Listen, er, please make sure
you're back for bath, OK?

I can't face that alone.
I'm feeling very touched out.

Why do you keep using that
in the wrong context?

- I really feel it.
- Harry, touched out is when

you've spent all day
being terrorised by toddlers.

Yeah, I know.
Believe me, I feel it.

Bye.

- Right, I've got to go.
- Oh, shame.

We haven't had a chance
to catch up,

you know, as a family.

Oh, yeah. You want to catch up?
OK, cool. What's new?

Well, let's see. Well,
in between mourning you, Dad,

and worrying about you, Mum,

and being diagnosed with
depression,

I did finally sign up
for a Nectar card,

so that's great, isn't it?

Oh, don't. Because your dad

didn't get a chance
to spend his points.

Had enough for
some wireless headphones.

Oh, what a shame.
Any other regrets?

Like the lying,
faking your own death?

Spending no time
with your grandchildren?

You're always telling your mum
what a nightmare they are.

Well, yeah,
they are a nightmare.

But they're our nightmare.
And I'd be grateful

to palm them off on you
from time to time.

Look, don't get me wrong.
I'm really happy you're alive.

- Thank you.
- I really, really am.

But I'm a bit concerned
about your decision-making.

Do you mean the Nectar points?

No, Mum, I mean him hiding
in the loft

like a geriatric
Anne Frank.

And when he does come
downstairs, he pisses himself

in the kitchen cupboard,

and then you just reward him
with a pack of biscuits

like a you're potty-training
a delinquent cockapoo.

I've wet myself
in every supermarket in town,

including both Tescos,
Metro and Express.

I'm actually rather proud
of it.

Mm.

You probably get a blue plaque
for that.

Mum, Dad, please.

Please, this is fraud.
You can go to prison.

That canoe couple,
they went down for years.

Listen, we didn't start this.

I mean, granted, we didn't
stop it either, but you know,

who are we to argue
with the NHS?

They're the ones
who declared your dad dead.

And spare a thought
for poor Dr Harper.

She'd be mortified
if she found out.

I've got to go.

Hey, hey, hey.
You mustn't tell Neha.

You could put her career
at risk.

Well, it's not me
who's done that, is it?