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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,039 HE SNORES 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,080 GULLS CALL LOUDLY 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,880 BANGING 4 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,759 Er, excuse me, do you sell buckets? 5 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,240 Buckets? No. 6 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,039 Really? 7 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,880 No call for them. Old-fashioned. 8 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,919 So how do people, you know, like, carry water and stuff? 9 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,879 Well, everything's plumbed-in these days. 10 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,719 You know, it's piped to wherever it needs to be 11 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,239 so there's no need for anyone to carry any by hand. 12 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,999 What colour bucket? 13 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,399 Well, doesn't really matter. Any colour. 14 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,239 No, sorry, I can't help you. 15 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,680 A hosepipe, that's the closest we do. Garden section. 16 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,799 OK. 17 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,679 Excuse me? 18 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,999 Is that right that you don't sell buckets any more? 19 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,879 I'm sorry? 20 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,879 Your colleague just told me that you don't sell buckets any more 21 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,559 because they're old-fashioned. 22 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,520 Do you mean those things that people used to carry water in? 23 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,679 Yeah. 24 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:54,999 Oh... 25 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,839 We haven't stocked buckets in a while, mate. 26 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,640 Tell you what, you might want to try the Vintage and Antiques Emporium. 27 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,919 - TANNOY: - Enjoy big savings on solvents this summer at Tool Box. 28 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,399 White spirits, meths and turpentine... 29 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,359 Did you see Celebrity Barrel Scrapers last night? 30 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,759 Did I see what? 31 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,559 Celebrity Barrel Scrapers. 32 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,999 It's like... You know Barrel Scrapers, the show? 33 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,159 Well, it's like that but the celebrity version. 34 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,199 I haven't got a telly. Are you serious, 35 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,559 there's a programme called Celebrity Barrel Scrapers? 36 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,719 Yeah. Didn't recognise any of the celebrities in it, though. 37 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,239 Apart from that bald bloke from, er, what's-it-called... 38 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,559 It's funny, though. 39 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,279 What do they do, the celebrities? 40 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,519 Just, you know, scrape the barrels out, get 'em clean. 41 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,439 Gets really messy. It's dead good. 42 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,199 Hang on, you don't have a TV? 43 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,839 No. 44 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280 Prick. 45 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,159 Everyone's going to the pub next Friday after work. 46 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,039 It's someone's birthday. You coming? 47 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,319 Whose birthday? 48 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,719 Bloke who cuts the MDF. 49 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,599 - Andre. - Mm-hm. 50 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,480 Maybe. I'll see. 51 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,079 A big tall guy, about six foot. A big white bea.. 52 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,799 Him! Him, there, with the white beard! 53 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,319 - Him! - OK, thank you. I'll, um... 54 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,920 Here we go. 55 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,759 Did you tell that customer we don't sell buckets? 56 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,959 No. 57 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,519 He said you told him we don't sell buckets, 58 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,359 that there's no call for them. 59 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,159 - Oh, BUCKETS? - Oh! - Is that what he 60 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,159 YAWNING: I couldn't understand what he was saying. 61 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,959 What time do you go to bed? 62 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,439 None of your business, Gordon. 63 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,039 It is my business if my staff are falling asleep on their feet 64 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,199 and they can't hear the customers properly. 65 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,359 You don't lose your hearing when you're tired. Oh... 66 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:38,400 PHONE RINGS 67 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,720 Hello, Hilary? Is everything OK? 68 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,839 - OK, I'll be right there. - No... 69 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,039 No, it's fine. I'm not busy. 70 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,799 No, honestly, it's not a problem. 71 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,599 Yes. 72 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,240 OK, I'm on my way. 73 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,159 I've got to go. Me dad's lost something. 74 00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,600 Lost something? 75 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,600 Have you been on your break? 76 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,519 Oh, hello, love. Sorry. 77 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,239 No, it's all right. What's happened? 78 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,999 I would've waited till you came in later, 79 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,040 - but he was upset and threatening to call the police. - Really? 80 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,799 Tina found this on his bed when he was at breakfast 81 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,359 and brought it to me. 82 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,640 He noticed it was missing and kicked off. 83 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,919 Bloody 'ell! 84 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,439 Right, um... 85 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,839 Well, I'll... I'll see if I can get to the bottom of it. 86 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,880 Thanks, Hilary. Sorry. 87 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,319 KNOCK ON DOOR 88 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,559 - Hello, Dad. - Oh, I'm glad you're here. 89 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,959 There's a thief in this place and I've had enough! 90 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,479 It's outrageous. I'm writing a letter. 91 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,759 All right, Dad, calm down. No-one's stole it. 92 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,399 I've got it here. They didn't know what it was. 93 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,079 It says quite clearly on the tin what it is - poison. 94 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,439 Well, exactly. They were worried. 95 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,919 I'm not a child. 96 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,159 Why have you got a tin of poison? What is going on? 97 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,119 Give it here. 98 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,280 Right. 99 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,159 One, two, three, four, five, six. 100 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,359 Oh, they're all there. Thank God for that. 101 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,799 I couldn't replicate these. Once they're gone, they're gone. 102 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,839 Seriously, Dad, why have you got six phials of poison? 103 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,959 This is the antidote that dissolves the homunculi, 104 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,239 only to be used in case of emergency. 105 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,839 It was given to me, I don't know what's in it, 106 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,559 and I couldn't make it again. 107 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,639 Did you find the diaries? 108 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,399 - Mike? - Eh? 109 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,839 Did you find the instructions? 110 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,439 - Yes. - Excellent. So have you got it set up? 111 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,679 No, Dad. I haven't had time. 112 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,359 Well, the sooner you start the chanting, the sooner you'll be able 113 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,599 to get results and the sooner you'll be able to ask about Clea. 114 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,319 You have to chant to the bottles. 115 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,160 It's all there in the instructions. 116 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,680 Wh-what... what's wrong? 117 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,239 This was in the journal. 118 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,199 There they are! 119 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,119 Oh, my God. I'd forgotten I took this. 120 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,759 Dad, I'm so confused. 121 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,919 I thought that this was just a bedtime story. 122 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,079 I didn't think it might actually be real. 123 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,359 Trust me. You want to know where Clea is? 124 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,760 When she's coming home? 125 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,839 They can answer any question, 126 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,759 and they're compelled to answer truthfully. 127 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,679 OK. Just remind me what they actually are. 128 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,759 Homunculi. Prophesying spirits. 129 00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,799 Right. I looked up "homunculus" in the dictionary, and it said, 130 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,639 "A very small, humanoid creature." 131 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,240 - That's it, yeah. - "That's it"?! 132 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,399 So, what, a human? An animal? 133 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,719 Is this legal? 134 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,159 Well, it's not ILLEGAL. 135 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,599 That doesn't exactly put my mind at rest, Dad! 136 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,119 Trust me. 137 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,119 Yes, yes. All right. 138 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,999 Before I forget, will you post some letters for me? 139 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,279 More competitions? 140 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,039 Yeah. This one's foot spa, 141 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,239 this one's dog grooming classes, 142 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,039 and this one's a Lamborghini. 143 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,439 Fingers crossed. 144 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,639 Oh, and this one, er, you'll need a stamp. 145 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,479 You'll have to go to the Post Office. 146 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:40,159 It's going to Vancouver, to my old school friend Vic. 147 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,879 Oh, righto. How is Vic these days? 148 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,239 Much the same. Not much to say for himself, but, er... 149 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,079 - ..he always asks after you. - After me? Does he? 150 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,719 Yeah, yeah, very interested in what you're up to. 151 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,039 Did I ever meet him? 152 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,999 Um... Maybe once, when you were little. 153 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,280 Right. Well, next time... 154 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,120 ..tell him I said hello. 155 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,039 - Hello, Olive. - Hello, Michael. 156 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,359 What you got there? Jars? 157 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,479 - Yep, jars. - Big, aren't they? 158 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,439 Yep, big jars. What are you sprinkling today? 159 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,039 - Ant powder. - Oh, yeah? 160 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,359 Little bastards coming indoors and eating all the cake. 161 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,519 Wankers. 162 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,959 Got to get them early, otherwise they start bloody flying. 163 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,279 You know that? They sprout wings and start bloody flying 164 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,879 all over the place on 4th of July, Independence Day. 165 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,119 So, I'm putting the powder down. 166 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,799 - Yeah, that'll learn 'em. - Mm! 167 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680 - See you later, Olive. - Cheerio. 168 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,760 OK, Dad. I'm doing this, am I? 169 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,240 Can you put those in a bag for me? Thank you. 170 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,039 - VOICEMAIL: - Please leave a message. 171 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,679 Hello, um, this is, er, Michael. Michael Sleep. 172 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,879 I'm just leaving a message. 173 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,119 I won't be coming in today, I'm afraid. 174 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,360 I've got a bit of a runny bottom. 175 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,439 - Morning, Michael. - Morning. 176 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,079 Er, morning. 177 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,799 Are you just getting rid of some stuff? 178 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,759 Er, just moving it. 179 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,319 Oh, to out the front here? 180 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,719 That's right. It's only temporary. 181 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,520 CLANGING 182 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,279 I was going to say, 183 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,239 I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to take your hedge back. 184 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,839 Don't be sorry. It's lucky, actually. 185 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,199 I spotted a pair of chaffinches 186 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,759 nesting in the ivy, 187 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,999 so I'm glad that we didn't disturb them. 188 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,360 - Chaffinches? - Chaffinches! 189 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,959 CLATTER 190 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,799 That reminds me, your security light at the front, 191 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,039 it's flashing on and off, on and off, all night. 192 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,159 Is it? 193 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,239 There must be a branch or a twig or something waving across it. 194 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,199 You probably don't notice it if your bedroom's at the back. 195 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,079 - I'll take a look. - Yes, it's on and off, on and off. 196 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,199 All night - on and off, on and off. It's, like, every few minutes. 197 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,719 It's light pollution. 198 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,359 It's disturbing the little chaffinches. 199 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,879 Light pollution... OK. 200 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,159 Just off to the DIY store. Do you need anything? 201 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,319 No. Thanks. 202 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,279 - Are you sure? I get a... - Nope. - I get a staff discount. 203 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,000 - No, thanks. - All right. 204 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,479 All right, skiver?! 205 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,039 I thought you had the shits! 206 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,319 Sh! 207 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,799 Don't let him know I'm here! 208 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,719 Do you know, I'm having to do twice as much work cos of you. 209 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,039 Well, you usually do fuck all, so twice fuck all is still fuck all. 210 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,559 Mm. 211 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,279 Why are you here? 212 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,080 I need you to get some stuff for me. 213 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,119 Jesus. 214 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,879 All right, let me finish me cig. 215 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,480 - And, er, remember to get the staff discount. - OK. 216 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,319 You building a bomb? 217 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,719 No! 218 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,159 Crystal meth? 219 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,600 HE SCOFFS 220 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,599 What? 221 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,399 Well, what's all this for? 222 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,199 - I'm cleaning me fish tank. - What fish have you got? 223 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,959 - Pilchards. - You're lying. 224 00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,039 It's for a project. I'll tell you about it another time. 225 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,319 - Did he see you? Gordon? - No. 226 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,800 Kacey, I just wanted to say, you've still got me credit card. 227 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,360 You're welcome! 228 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,280 ? I've got something I keep to myself 229 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,400 ? I've got something I keep to myself 230 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:09,559 ? I've got something I keep to myself 231 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,079 ? And I'm not gonna tell you what it is 232 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,680 - ? Not gonna tell you what it is. - ? 233 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,880 HE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC 234 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,439 - BRIAN: - Before the jars are sealed, 235 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,719 in each must be placed a mineral seed item 236 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,640 from which the homunculus will grow. 237 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,359 The seeds must be carefully selected 238 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,600 and be specific to the creature's station. 239 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,280 For the Knight, a brass key. 240 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,600 For the Monk, the nib of a pen. 241 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,280 For the Peasant, a plain, undecorated button. 242 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,320 For the Seraph, a crystal of amethyst. 243 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,920 For the Queen, a gold ring. 244 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,280 And for the King, a silver coin, as old as you can find. 245 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,079 Why does he have to behave like this? 246 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,680 It's like every little thing he does is designed to wind me up. 247 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,839 I mean, what the hell's his problem? 248 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,200 Bev? 249 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,559 Huh? 250 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,279 I'm saying, "What's his problem?" 251 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,439 Who? 252 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,639 Gandalf the friggin' Grey! Who do you think?! 253 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,479 It sounds like you're the one with the problem. 254 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,999 Why can't you just ignore him? 255 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,599 How can I, with that racket going on? 256 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,839 SILENCE 257 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,880 HE SIGHS 258 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,199 Why can't he just be normal? 259 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,639 What're you doing? 260 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,879 - I put a mirror down there. - Oh, and that's normal, is it? 261 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,319 Can you believe he's had the nerve 262 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,479 to complain about our security light? 263 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,360 Light pollution he's accused me of. 264 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,759 I mean, his place is crawling with vermin. 265 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,839 The amount of insects in his garden is disgusting. 266 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,239 Spiders, wasps... 267 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,879 ..bees. 268 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,719 And the effing sparrows chirping all day long in the bushes. 269 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,760 Oh, it drives me insane. 270 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,159 Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia, 271 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,359 et ex praecordiis sonent... 272 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,559 Great. He's praying. 273 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:34,199 That's all we need - a religious fanatic. 274 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,719 Bev! 275 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:36,959 What?! 276 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,239 What're you listening to? 277 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,159 - A podcast. - About what? 278 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,800 Sex trafficking. 279 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,039 Et ex praecordiis 280 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,719 sonent praeconia, 281 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,719 resedant... Rekedant? 282 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,799 Recedant vetera... vetera... 283 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,999 Sacris solemniis! Iuncta sint gaudia! 284 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,080 SOFTLY: Et ex praeconis... 285 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,519 ..sonent... 286 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,439 DULLY: Sacris solemniis 287 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,880 iuncta praecordia... 288 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,240 ..et ex praeconiis... 289 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,800 PHONE RINGS 290 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,239 Hello? 291 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,879 - Are you coming to the pub? - Who is this? 292 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,239 Kacey! Are you coming to the pub? 293 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,239 - What time is it? - I dunno. 294 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,879 Look, we're at the Open As Usual. You said you'd come. 295 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,199 Why do you want me to come to the pub so much? 296 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,519 I'm not asking you out on a date! I'm just saying we're at the pub. 297 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,679 Fuck's sake, I'm just being friendly. 298 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,719 All right, I'm sorry. 299 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,080 - Which pub? - Open As Usual. 300 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,439 - All right? - Yeah. 301 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,839 You all right? 302 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,159 You made it. 303 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,639 You must be made up. 304 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,720 Yeah, I might start weeping. 305 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,359 BRIGHAM GIGGLES 306 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,239 Oh-ho! Oh, here he is, Weirdy Beardy! 307 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,079 Hey, someone get this man a drink! 308 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,759 HE GIGGLES 309 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,599 - Michael? Michael! Are you a train spotter? - No. 310 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,199 GIGGLES 311 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,599 Are you a virgin? 312 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,239 What are you talking about? 313 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,359 How old are you, 50? 314 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,160 50-year-old virgin! 315 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,159 LAUGHTER 316 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,559 Oh, shut up, Brigham. How old are you, five? 317 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,999 BRIGHAM GIGGLES 318 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,319 I love this freak! 319 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,879 My mate used to work at a restaurant when you worked there. 320 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,239 Some burger place. 321 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,519 Oh, yeah, Burgers Burgers Burgers on the high street. 322 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,879 Yeah. Said he stripped off in front of all the customers! 323 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,439 Only to me vest and pants. 324 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,399 "Only to me vest and pants!" 325 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,759 What for? 326 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,279 I was resigning and they wanted the uniform back. 327 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,519 My mate said, right, he swipes a banoffee pie off the counter, 328 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,479 comes out front, strips off, flips the manager the bird, 329 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,039 - and then walks out in his boxers. - LAUGHTER 330 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,119 - Is that true? - Nearly. It was a sticky toffee pudding. 331 00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,359 And I had to come back because me clothes and keys 332 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,119 were in the staffroom. 333 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,079 Oh, no, no, I'm only having the one. I've got the car. 334 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,519 Leave it here, get the bus! Where do you live? 335 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,439 Marvin Gardens, just off the Wilmslow Road. 336 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,999 Oh, my God, yeah, I know it. 337 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,519 Listen, it's a 20 minute walk from here. You're fine. 338 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,919 Do you know Danielle? 339 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,679 She used to live on the corner of Marvin Gardens. I was mates with her 340 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,559 at school. I ain't spoken to her in years, though. 341 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,439 She went off to catering college. 342 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,639 Oh, my God, there used to be this house on Marvin Gardens, right, 343 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,999 that was just, like, full of junk 344 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,399 and, like, the garden was an absolute jungle. 345 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,639 And, I mean, this bloke lived there, but nobody saw him. 346 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,559 Well, Danielle saw him a few times, but, anyways... 347 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,959 ..he murdered his wife. 348 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,159 Yeah, everyone knew. I mean, the police dug up his garden 349 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,039 and everything, but they never found owt. 350 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,279 They reckon he dissolved her in battery acid 351 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,959 and flushed her down the loo, so he got away with it. 352 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,760 How long have you lived there? 353 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,360 Oh, my God, that's your house! 354 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,479 Did you murder your wife? 355 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,679 SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY 356 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,639 I was never married. 357 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,039 But, no, I've never murdered anyone, 358 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,480 let alone flushed somebody down the toilet. 359 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,959 Come to think of it, everything Danielle said was absolute bullshit. 360 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,420 Michael? Michael! 361 00:22:39,421 --> 00:22:40,879 BRIGHAM GIGGLES 362 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,719 Do you like Star Trek? 363 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,760 GIGGLES MANICALLY 364 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,519 So... were you really an underwater welder? 365 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,879 - What's that? - Were you really an underwater welder? 366 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,079 Oh, no, I made that up. 367 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,639 Do you know, I knew it, you bullshitter! 368 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,479 I went down a two-hour underwater-welding rabbit-hole 369 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,079 last night! I mean, I watched videos on YouTube! 370 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,679 I know everything about it. 371 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,279 So how does that work, then? The fire underwater thing? 372 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,080 I'm not telling ya. 373 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:37,159 Your mate's story, it wasn't all bullshit, though. 374 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,639 The police did dig up my garden. 375 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,799 Did me a favour, actually. Had to clear up afterwards 376 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,199 and left it in a better state than it was before! 377 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,759 Well, what were they looking for, then? 378 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,759 Me girlfriend. 379 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,119 She left one day and she never came back. 380 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,680 Everyone thought I'd killed her for a while. 381 00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,840 I didn't kill her. 382 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,159 I love her. 383 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,879 - Michael! Do you collect stamps? - GIGGLES 384 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,279 Why do you find me so weird, Brigham? I don't get it. 385 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,719 Just don't worry about him. 386 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,239 No, I don't understand. Is it simply because I have a beard? 387 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,239 Or because I don't go on the paintballing trips? 388 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,759 Cos that ain't that bloody weird, is it? 389 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,439 Jason wears gold boots 390 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,159 with wings on, but here you all are 391 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,639 ripping into me! 392 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,319 Oh, careful, watch out, or he'll strip down, 393 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,239 but only to his vest and pants! 394 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,759 You don't know anything about me. 395 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,319 If you knew what I'm actually growing in my shed... 396 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,679 - GIGGLING: - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 397 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,879 Stop right there, thank you very much. 398 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,639 What are you actually growing in your shed? 399 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,559 - What you don't know... - Yeah? 400 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,119 ..is that I am actually growing homunc... 401 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,220 ..homunculi. 402 00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:50,319 BRIGHAM LAUGHS 403 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,080 - I beg your pardon? - Homunculi! 404 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,359 They are prophesying spirits 405 00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,279 that can predict the future, 406 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,159 and I am growing them in jars in my shed. 407 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,959 So when I'm winning billions on the lottery, 408 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,159 you won't be laughing then, will ya, eh? 409 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,639 What the fuck are you on about?! 410 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,119 SHOUTS: Homunculi! 411 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,479 All right! 412 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,879 Let's get you home, yeah? 413 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:15,960 BRIGHAM GIGGLES 414 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,039 Are you all right? 415 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,440 I'm fine. 416 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,039 So... 417 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,079 ..what are you growing in jars in your shed? 418 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,439 Homunculi. 419 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,359 - And what's a homunculi? - No. 420 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,999 No. "Homunculi" is plural. 421 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,159 "Homunculus" is singular. 422 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,239 And they are creatures. They're like little people. 423 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,360 They're like little people in jars. 424 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,119 Like sea monkeys? 425 00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,799 They're a little bit like sea monkeys 426 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,119 but they can predict the fuchsia... 427 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,119 Fuchsia! 428 00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,719 I had sea monkeys once. 429 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,519 They were really disappointing. 430 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,439 Like, the advert said that they were so eager to please, 431 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,879 but my ones, they couldn't give an apparent fuck. 432 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,959 They're not sea monkeys, they're homunculi. 433 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,679 Can I come and see 'em? 434 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,439 No. Nobody can see them at the moment 435 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,800 because they are invisible to the human naked eye. So, no. 436 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,119 OK. 437 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:22,999 You don't have to walk me home. I'm fine. 438 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,519 Hey, I'm not walking you home. I live this way. 439 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,279 Fine. 440 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,720 SARCASTICALLY: Fine! 441 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,319 This is me. 442 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,080 All right, yeah, cool. I'm just... 443 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,080 SHE SIGHS SOFTLY 444 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,640 HE SIGHS SOFTLY 445 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,480 HE SNIFFS 446 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,560 HE INHALES RAGGEDLY 447 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,680 CREATURE GROWLS SOFTLY 448 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:04,799 ? I know we're older now 449 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,400 ? And lost again 450 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:15,079 ? Down at the cul-de-sac 451 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,160 ? You left, my friend 452 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,919 ? I put the kettle on 453 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,800 ? The wise man sung for you. ? 454 00:29:25,850 --> 00:29:30,400 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 33139

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