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1
00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:04,047
♪ Men.♪
2
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:07,703
[exhales]
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:08,791
[sighs]
4
00:00:11,446 --> 00:00:13,665
[whirring]
5
00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,232
Really?
6
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:17,060
Do you have to do this
right now?
7
00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:20,194
Wow, that's the first time
anyone ever complained
8
00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:22,196
about me doing too much
work around here.
9
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,286
Why don't you go do
that on the deck?
10
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,027
Because...
this is my house.
11
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:29,246
I can work out
wherever I want.
12
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:31,118
Besides, when I do yoga
on the deck,
13
00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:33,337
the kids on the beach
call me gay.
14
00:00:33,424 --> 00:00:36,036
You sure that's not because you
live with a middle-aged man?
15
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,128
Morning.
16
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:42,651
Morning.
17
00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:44,218
Ooh, a little yoga?
18
00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:45,523
Yeah, I'm just trying
to clear my head.
19
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:50,963
Um, speaking of heads,
20
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,792
Buddha's poking his
out of the temple.
21
00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:55,707
You know what? If I lived here
alone, it wouldn't matter.
22
00:00:55,794 --> 00:00:56,752
Right.
23
00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,319
Sorry. Namaste.
24
00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,323
What does "Namaste"
actually mean?
25
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:03,324
Get out!
26
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:04,847
Okay.
27
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:07,197
I'm gonna "nama-not-stay"
right here.
28
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:09,547
Okay, focus.
29
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,810
I want peace...
30
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:14,117
I want serenity...
31
00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:15,118
[blender whirring]
32
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,424
I want a murder weapon.
33
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:22,256
Dude!
34
00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,432
You need to relax.
35
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:25,868
Do some yoga or something.
36
00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:27,478
What is that?
37
00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:29,132
It's a holistic
hangover cure.
38
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:31,526
Kale, wheatgrass,
three shots of tequila.
39
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:32,614
Cheers.
40
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:35,747
You know what? Screw it.
41
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:36,052
I'm gonna stay drunk.
42
00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,013
[belches]
43
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,451
Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little
44
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,017
too much ginger last night.
45
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,236
Oh, you had sushi for dinner?
46
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:50,806
Yeah, let's go with that.
47
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,199
It's crazy, isn't it?
48
00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:53,678
We finally get rid of Jake,
49
00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:54,897
and now we got another
one on our hands.
50
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,290
Yeah, about that...
51
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,509
What is the long-range
plan here?
52
00:01:58,596 --> 00:01:59,554
I don't know.
53
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,164
I always thought we'd spend
54
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,861
our golden years together.
55
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,820
Eventually, maybe sell
the beach house,
56
00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:06,517
move to the desert,
57
00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,171
spend our days toiling
in our cactus garden.
58
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:12,132
Yeah, that sounds
swell, but...
59
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:13,568
Go out to early
bird dinners
60
00:02:13,655 --> 00:02:15,135
wearing matching
jumpsuits...
Okay.
61
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:16,179
Look, I'm not gonna
wear a jump...
62
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,268
All right.
You know what?
63
00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:20,183
Let's try this
another way.
64
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,621
Uh, in your romantic
fantasy of our future,
65
00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:25,275
where is Jenny?
66
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:26,755
She'll spend Christmas with us,
67
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,974
but we're gonna
want our alone time.
68
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,063
Okay, let's focus
on that word "alone."
69
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,282
Mm-hmm.
70
00:02:32,369 --> 00:02:34,502
Having house guests
is the best.
71
00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,286
You know, you get
excited to see them,
72
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:37,679
you put out
the fluffy towels,
73
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:40,899
you hold your farts,
everything's nice...
74
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:44,120
but, eventually,
you have to fart.
75
00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:45,252
Here's what you do.
76
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,515
Uh, you go out on the deck,
77
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:48,907
and pretend to look
at the ocean,
78
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,257
wait for a big wave
79
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,737
and when it breaks, so do you.
80
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,047
Alan, I'm putting
in a home gym.
81
00:02:58,134 --> 00:02:59,788
And it's either going
in Jenny's room
82
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:00,789
or Alan's room.
83
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:01,877
It's your call.
84
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:03,966
Bitch be gone.
85
00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:06,142
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
86
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:09,928
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
87
00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:14,803
♪ Men.♪
88
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,848
Here we go.
89
00:03:16,935 --> 00:03:19,199
An appletini a day
keeps the doctor away.
90
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,157
Cute.
91
00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:22,071
And what keeps Alan away?
92
00:03:22,158 --> 00:03:24,639
You.
93
00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:25,988
Touché.
94
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,555
Why am I here?
95
00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:29,644
Oh, I just thought
we could get together.
96
00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:31,820
Maybe find out what's going on
in each other's lives.
97
00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:34,692
There's never anything going on
in your life, Alan.
98
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,216
Okay, you start.
99
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:39,654
All right, let's see...
100
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,133
Well, my boyfriend
Marty has just moved in.
101
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,134
Moved in?
102
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,135
That's a little fast.
103
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,486
He's 91 and a half.
104
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,531
He doesn't do
anything fast.
105
00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:49,272
So you two sleep
in the same room?
106
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,622
If you're trying to find out
if we have sex, yes, we do.
107
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:53,885
Frequently and nastily.
108
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,235
Good God!
109
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,366
The man is in
a wheelchair.
110
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,194
How do you think
he got there?
111
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,240
No, I was asking
112
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:01,719
if your guest room
is available.
113
00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:03,112
Darling, I-I would love
114
00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:05,419
for you to come
stay with me,
115
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,812
but with Marty there now,
it's-it's impossible.
116
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:08,813
Oh, not me. Jenny.
117
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,380
Oh, Jennifer can move in.
118
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:11,773
Wait.
119
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,601
Why can she move in
and not me?
120
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:16,256
Darling, if you
were a child,
121
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,822
this would be one
of those situations
122
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:19,259
where I would give you
five dollars to shut up.
123
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:22,131
Well, I'm not
a kid anymore, Mom.
124
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:23,828
How's $20 sound?
125
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,048
No, I want to have
this conversation.
Forty.
126
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:26,918
We're done.
Well...
127
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,616
Mm-hmm.
128
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,922
♪ Men.♪
129
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:33,403
All right,
I'm out of here.
130
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,666
Don't be a stranger, Jenny.
131
00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:37,973
I mean, I know
that you are one
132
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,236
but that didn't stop me
133
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:41,455
from letting you stay here.
134
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,544
And that didn't stop me
135
00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:45,023
from throwing up in your...
136
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:47,548
Ah, you know,
you'll figure it out.
137
00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:48,853
Um, h-have you
got everything?
138
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,159
Yeah, I think so.
139
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:51,247
Oh, uh...
140
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:52,248
There's a girl in my room,
141
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,380
uh, Tara,
142
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,077
Tanya...
143
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:56,905
I don't really know
what the hell her name is.
144
00:04:56,992 --> 00:04:57,906
It's tattooed right
above her ass.
145
00:04:57,993 --> 00:05:00,430
Anyway, when she wakes up,
146
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:01,823
will you give her
this for cab fare?
147
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,259
And uh, uh...
148
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,087
tell her I, "Mackenzie,"
149
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:08,003
will call her
150
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:10,353
if I get back
from the Congo.
151
00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:12,790
See you.
152
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:13,617
Bye.
Take care.
153
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,532
[door closes]
154
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:16,664
Can you
believe that?
155
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:17,969
I know.
156
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,711
A Harper left this house
voluntarily.
157
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,324
And gave me money.
158
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,979
♪ Men.♪
159
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:30,286
[doorbell rings]
160
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,680
Hi, Alan.
161
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:33,811
Lyndsey.
162
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:34,943
This is a surprise.
163
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,336
I know; I-I'm sorry.
164
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:37,424
I just need to talk
to you in person.
165
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:38,294
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in.
166
00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:40,470
Are we alone?
167
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:42,907
WALDEN:
Never!
168
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,258
Hi, Walden.
169
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,695
Can we talk in private?
170
00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:48,696
Oh, sure, let's go in my room.
171
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:50,741
Oh, uh, hold on a second.
172
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,105
Okay, we're all set.
173
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:09,194
Aw, dude, come on!
174
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,024
So what's up?
175
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,722
Ow! Nipple!
176
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:15,853
[sighs]
177
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,768
I am so mad at you.
178
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:18,987
Why?
179
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,467
Because I-I'm with Larry now.
180
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:21,424
He's smart, handsome,
successful...
181
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:24,035
God, you have a type.
182
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:25,950
No.
183
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:27,256
When I'm with him, I can't stop
fantasizing about you.
184
00:06:29,345 --> 00:06:31,869
Okay, I-I-I'm confused.
185
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:34,785
I'm getting a chubby,
but I'm confused.
186
00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:35,482
So you want to get
back together?
187
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:38,180
Oh, God, no.
188
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,616
I just want
to have sex with you.
189
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,226
Why?
190
00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:43,228
And why am I asking?
191
00:06:43,315 --> 00:06:44,404
I don't know.
192
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,493
I just know that I do.
193
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,798
Of course.
194
00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:50,148
Forbidden fruit
is so much sweeter.
195
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:53,978
Go on, pluck my
forbidden fruit.
196
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:56,938
Pop my cherry.
197
00:06:57,025 --> 00:06:59,462
Peel my banana.
198
00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:01,290
Squeeze my
fuzzy peaches.
199
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:05,425
In my fantasy...
Yeah?
200
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,817
...you don't talk.
201
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,863
♪ Men.♪
202
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,433
Bye, Walden.
203
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,564
Bye, Lyndsey.
204
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:15,347
[door closes]
205
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,348
[whoops]
206
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,047
[chuckling]
207
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:21,310
Um, is it hot in here
or did I just have sex?
208
00:07:21,397 --> 00:07:24,313
Did you guys get back together?
209
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,662
Better.
210
00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:27,316
She wants nothing from me
211
00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,360
except the old Harper harpoon.
212
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,407
Wha-bam!
213
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:35,585
Know what I'm sayin'?
214
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,674
How is it possible
215
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,111
that you're having sex
and I'm not?
216
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:43,114
Well, apparently,
her perfect boyfriend Larry
217
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,551
has an Achilles heel...
218
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:45,421
and it's on his penis.
219
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:48,685
Wha-bam!
220
00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:52,515
Um...
221
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:54,299
have you guys
seen Mackenzie?
222
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:57,999
She went to Cabo.Congo.
223
00:07:58,086 --> 00:08:00,175
She's not here.She's dead.
224
00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,524
In the Congo.
225
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:05,441
Sorry, Tanya.
226
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:06,355
Tara.
227
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:10,098
Alyssa.
228
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,579
♪ Men.♪
229
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,102
So...
230
00:08:14,189 --> 00:08:16,017
Evy tells me
you want to be an actress.
231
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:18,149
I figured with my daddy issues,
232
00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:19,847
it was either that or stripping.
233
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:21,979
You've certainly got the rack
for either one.
234
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,546
Bless your heart.
235
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,679
My heart is in a landfill.
236
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,159
This baby belonged to
237
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:30,988
a drunken quarterback
from Alabama.
238
00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:32,773
Roll Tide!
239
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,818
You know, Marty is
a television legend.
240
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,341
He created
Here Comes Pleshkin.
241
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,953
I love that show.
242
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:39,736
Th-That was
a drinking game
243
00:08:39,823 --> 00:08:41,564
in college.
244
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:42,478
Every time someone
would yell "Pleshkin!"
245
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:45,525
I would take a shot.
246
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:48,571
I had so much drunken sex
because of your show.
247
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,399
It was a piece of crap,
248
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:53,402
but it paid for my first six...
sevenwives.
249
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,100
And Pleshkin?
250
00:08:56,187 --> 00:08:57,537
Hermaphrodite.
251
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,582
Once, he comes in
three hours late.
252
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:02,759
I tell him
to go screw himself.
253
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,632
He says, "Why do you think
I'm three hours late?"
254
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,548
That's a joke, sweetheart.
255
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:09,810
Feel free to laugh.
256
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,682
Is this thing on?
257
00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:14,684
Roll Tide!
258
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,686
Pleshkin!
259
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:17,731
[laughs]
260
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:21,299
I need another one.
Marty?
261
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:22,692
Why not?
262
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:23,911
I got my liver
from a narcoleptic
263
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,521
Vietnamese rickshaw driver.
264
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:30,134
Evy, that's the best gift
you have ever given me.
265
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:31,092
What do you mean?
266
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,484
You, me, Jenny,
267
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,748
a handful of little
blue pills...
268
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:38,186
It's like the Spring Break
of '43 all over again!
269
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,971
Marty, she's my granddaughter.
270
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:42,364
I know.
271
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,497
I have had some of
the most decadent
272
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,456
sexual encounters imaginable:
273
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,501
mother/daughter, twins,
274
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,983
triplets, Pleshkin.
275
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:57,553
But never the elusive
grandmother/granddaughter combo.
276
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,338
She's gay.
277
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,905
It just keeps getting better.
278
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:04,865
Sweetheart, while-while
I normally love
279
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,127
your unique brand of depravity,
280
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:07,911
this is where
I draw the line.
281
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:10,871
So when it's me
and the plumber, it's fine.
282
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,873
You wanted that
as much as I did.
283
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,397
I had my eye on his kidney.
284
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:16,920
♪ Men.♪
285
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:19,140
[giggling]
[chuckling]:
This is so exciting.
286
00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:20,097
Another man's bed,
287
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:21,795
another man's woman,
288
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:23,448
another man's...
Home!
289
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:25,363
I know,
it's so dirty.
290
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,496
No, no, no, the garage
door just opened!
291
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:28,628
And here comes
the car.
292
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:29,977
Beep! Beep!
293
00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:31,935
No, Larry's home!
Get out!
294
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,155
What do I do?
What do I do? Uh...
295
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:35,156
Hide in the closet?
296
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,592
Uh... under the bed?
297
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:37,941
Ooh, I could put on
a wig and a dress
298
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:38,638
and pretend I'm one
of your friends.
299
00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:41,336
Out the window!
300
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:42,380
Right, good call.
301
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,426
Whoa, we are up there.
302
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:45,949
Oh, beautiful view.
Oh!
303
00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:47,734
Hey, is that
the Hollywood sign...!
304
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,257
[thudding]
305
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:50,867
♪ Men.♪
306
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:57,134
♪ Men.♪
307
00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:58,788
What happened to you?
308
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,616
Oh, these?
[chuckles]
309
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,488
I was with Lyndsey last night,
at her boyfriend's house,
310
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,099
and he came home early,
311
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:06,491
and I had to jump out
the window.
312
00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:09,973
Alan Harper: Love Burglar.
313
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:13,542
I like it better
than Alan Harper: Roommate.
314
00:11:13,629 --> 00:11:17,024
It's just so much fun to be
thought of as a piece of meat.
315
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:19,330
She doesn't care about
what I think or what I say.
316
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,028
I know how she feels.
317
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,769
Let me ask you something.
318
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,206
How would you like it
if you were the poor schmuck
319
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:26,468
being cheated on?
320
00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,296
I've always been
the poor schmuck.
321
00:11:28,383 --> 00:11:28,949
And how did it feel?
322
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,994
Horrible.
323
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:32,561
Ha-ha, suck it, Larry!
324
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,913
I know you're having fun, Alan,
325
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,046
but sooner or later,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
326
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,091
Oh, believe me,
someone got hurt last night.
327
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:43,441
Boom, boom, boom!
328
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,182
Know what I'm saying?
329
00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:47,619
Okay, from now on,
let's just assume that I know
330
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,057
what you're saying
and I don't like it.
331
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,496
♪ Men.♪
332
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,498
All right,
you are hair-free.
333
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,893
You missed a spot.
334
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,199
You are a dirty old man.
335
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,419
If I'm such a dirty old man,
336
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,813
maybe it's time
for my sponge bath.
337
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:07,944
[chuckles]
338
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,903
Paging Nurse Evelyn!
339
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:12,732
Report to Marty's crotch
with a loofah!
340
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:15,082
[laughing]
341
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:16,213
You ready to go?
342
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:17,649
I'll be right with you, dear.
343
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,129
Where are you going?
What about
344
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,610
rubba-dub-dub,
Marty's in the tub?
345
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:22,829
I'll be right back.
346
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:24,569
We're just going
to the spa.
347
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,789
Yeah, Marty, you'll be happy.
When I she comes back,
348
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:28,486
she'll have less hair
than your ears.
349
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:29,487
But this is date night.
350
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,272
I'll be back by 8:00.
351
00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:34,188
That's after Wheel.
I'll be asleep.
352
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:36,320
I'll make it up
to you in the morning.
353
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:39,976
I'm 91-and-a-half!
354
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:42,544
I can't plan that far ahead!
355
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,894
♪ Men.♪
356
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,287
That was amazing.
357
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:47,767
It was.
358
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,203
You seen my underwear?
359
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,421
Do you mean...
360
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:52,510
these?
361
00:12:54,469 --> 00:12:56,471
You know what? Keep 'em.
362
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:57,602
Ooh, thank you.
363
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:59,691
Where you going?
364
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,998
What do you mean? Home.
We're done.
365
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,305
So it's just wham, bam,
thank you...
366
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,568
incredibly powerful,
yet sensitive lover man?
367
00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:09,571
Aw, don't get my panties
in a bunch.
368
00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:11,703
I'm serious. We never talk.
369
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,140
Because we're not dating.
370
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,316
I thought you were okay
with this.
371
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,535
I am. That doesn't mean
we can't take an interest
372
00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,233
in each others' lives.
373
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,626
For example, did you know
Charlie had a daughter?
374
00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:22,845
Really?
Yeah!
375
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:24,151
That's great!
376
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:25,543
You can talk to her.
377
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:28,720
Fine. Whatever.
378
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,027
Oh, for the love of God!
379
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:32,420
What do you want from me?
380
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:34,204
Well, if you must know,
381
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:36,032
she's coming over for dinner
tomorrow night,
382
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,208
and I just thought that
maybe you'd like to join us.
383
00:13:38,295 --> 00:13:39,775
Dinner? Seriously?
384
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,385
Forget I mentioned it.
385
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:43,648
Okay, look,
I'll see what I can do.
386
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:44,388
Really?
387
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:45,259
I'll try.
388
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:46,782
Oh, thank you.
389
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:48,784
You've made me so happy.
390
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,351
Great. See ya.
391
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,267
[sighs]
392
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:55,835
I should've just bought
a damn vibrator.
393
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,706
♪ Men.♪
394
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,751
Here ya go, Marty.
395
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,928
Just the way
you like it--
396
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,973
scotch and Metamucil.
397
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:08,195
Why aren't we eating?
398
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:09,631
It's almost 6:00.
399
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:11,546
Where are we, France?
400
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:12,808
We're waiting for
Alan's girlfriend.
401
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:17,204
I thought hewas
Alan's girlfriend?
402
00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:23,819
No. I own the house.
403
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:26,517
It's actually a funny story.
I was on the beach and I went...
404
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,171
Don't care.
405
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,871
Marty, don't be rude.
406
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,047
I'm sorry. Low blood sugar.
407
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,962
Plus, I really don't care.
408
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,313
Unbelievable.
409
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,315
Lyndsey's
not answering any of my calls
410
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,925
and she hasn't returned
any of my texts.
411
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,753
I told you
you were gonna get hurt.
412
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:45,797
[mocking]:
I told you you were
gonna get hurt.
413
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,235
You know what?
414
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:49,236
I'm gonna go get her.
415
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:51,412
And don't try to stop me.
416
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:52,630
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
417
00:14:52,717 --> 00:14:54,328
No problem.
418
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:57,809
Now that buzzkill is gone...
419
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:01,422
anyone want to get high?
420
00:15:01,509 --> 00:15:03,772
Roll joint!
421
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,556
♪ Men.♪
422
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,212
You think Alan's
gonna mind
423
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:10,387
that we started
without him?
424
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:11,388
Who's Alan?
425
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:12,389
[Berta laughs]
426
00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:14,043
You know...
427
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:18,613
I think I banged Lucille Ball
in this house.
428
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:21,964
She was
my second-favorite redhead.
429
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:23,792
Thank you.
[chuckles]
430
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:26,534
Wait a second.
431
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:27,839
It's night.
432
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,494
Why am I still here?
433
00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:33,106
I'll see you tomorrow.
434
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:33,802
Are you okay to drive?
435
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,935
I'm fine.
436
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,675
Well, let me know
when you get home.
437
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:40,765
I'm home.
438
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:42,289
[chuckles]
439
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,334
Your father would've loved
this night.
440
00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:45,857
We're all drunk, we're all high,
and Alan's not here.
441
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,859
Wait-- who's Alan?
442
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,906
You know what
we should do tomorrow?
443
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,429
Go to the Malibu
Police Station.
444
00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:54,997
They took more pictures
of your dad than I did.
445
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:57,869
Again?
446
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,394
I want to stay home
and play naked Jeopardy.
447
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,613
I want to spend time
with my daughter.
448
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:03,919
Granddaughter.
449
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:04,964
Oh, please,
nobody's buying that.
450
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,794
I am going
into the living room, Evelyn.
451
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:12,232
I suggest you push me there.
452
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:14,451
We need to talk.
453
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:15,452
Be back in a minute.
454
00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:17,106
There's a 50-50 chance
455
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:18,890
he won't remember
what he wants.
456
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,327
If you're gonna talk about me,
457
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:23,373
you shouldn't shave
my ears first.
458
00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:26,942
He's great.
459
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:30,163
Wonder what it's like
to be 91.
460
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:33,209
I imagine that you're wet in the
places you used to be dry
461
00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:35,603
and dry in the places
you used to be wet.
462
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:38,954
What's wrong?
463
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:42,262
Your granddaughter is coming
between us...
464
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,699
and not in the good way.
465
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:48,137
Look, Marty, she just came
into my life.
466
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,965
And believe it or not,
467
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:53,925
I wasn't always the best mom
to Charlie or-or the other one.
468
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,363
Jennifer is my second chance.
469
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,104
You got to make a choice.
470
00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,671
It's me or the kid.
471
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:04,327
I love you, Marty, but I have
to pick my granddaughter.
472
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:08,723
You know, I have $400 million.
473
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,768
I'm not saying it isn't close.
474
00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:13,815
It's over.
475
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:19,560
[chuckles]
Okay, I'm bluffing.
476
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:20,909
I really miss you.
477
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:24,608
I miss you too, money... honey.
478
00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:27,916
Maybe I can
make it up to you.
479
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:32,703
If you can make it down to me,
you can make it up to me.
480
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,754
Something tells me that
Marty doesn't want me around.
481
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:42,931
What?! I can't imagine anyone
not wanting you around.
482
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,889
Really? Because
I'm pretty sure
483
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,066
I'm staying at my grandmother's
484
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:47,936
because you don't want me
around.
485
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:51,679
No...!
486
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:52,375
Maybe...
487
00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:54,029
Yes...
488
00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,599
I get it.
489
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,209
You already have Alan.
490
00:18:00,296 --> 00:18:01,819
I do.
491
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,865
Hey, do you think I'd look
good in a jumpsuit?
492
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:06,041
You'd look good in anything.
493
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,956
That's 'cause I'm good-looking.
494
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:09,610
I pretend like I don't know.
495
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,655
Shh.
496
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:15,659
Seriously, if you want privacy,
then why do you have a roommate?
497
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,966
Oh, you know, Alan's
way more than a roommate.
498
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:20,534
He's my best friend.
499
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:25,974
He was there for me
when I was all alone.
500
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:28,411
He even took me
into my own house.
501
00:18:28,498 --> 00:18:32,111
You know, him and-and
his stoner son
502
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:36,071
and his horny mom
and your dead dad.
503
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:37,986
I mean, they've really
become my family.
504
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,249
Mine, too.
505
00:18:40,336 --> 00:18:44,601
I guess that means you're
becoming part of my family.
506
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:47,952
Aw...!
507
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:51,695
I'm the most masculine
person in this house.
508
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:53,654
[both laughing]
509
00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:54,524
I like you, Jenny.
510
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,440
I like you, Walden.
511
00:18:57,527 --> 00:19:00,008
If you were a chick,
I would totally do you.
512
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,967
Aw! You, too!
513
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,712
Hey, you're welcome
to crash here any time
514
00:19:08,799 --> 00:19:12,063
you need a break
from Evelyn and...
515
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,371
91-and-a-half shades of gray.
516
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:15,980
Seriously?
517
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:18,200
Yeah.
518
00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,941
You know, I was thinking about
putting in a home gym,
519
00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:21,943
but big deal.
520
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,075
I'd rather have
a Jenny than a gym.
521
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,340
You and me both.
522
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:28,079
[both laugh]
523
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,169
I get it.
524
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:33,737
'Cause Jim and gym
are homonyms
525
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,913
and you're a "hamma-sexual."
526
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,005
It's awfully quiet in there.
Did they leave?
527
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:44,357
I don't know.
Let me go look.
528
00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:49,144
I shouldn't have looked.
529
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:54,018
♪ Men.♪[doorbell rings]
530
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:57,500
No matter what she says,
do not cry.
531
00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:58,022
You're the prize here.
532
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,549
[hushed]:
Alan, what are you doing here?
533
00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:03,767
What are youdoing here?
You're supposed
534
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:04,855
to be at my house
for dinner.
535
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:06,030
I said I would try.
536
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,336
And I said I wouldn't cry.
537
00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:10,426
And I guess
we're both liars now.
538
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:13,037
Would you keep it down?
Larry's here.
539
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:16,824
What? You don't want him
to hear your whore?
540
00:20:16,911 --> 00:20:21,089
'Cause that's all I am
to you-- your whore!
541
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:23,918
We agreed
this was just about sex.
542
00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,267
Well, forgive me
for falling in love.
543
00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:27,748
Alan, if you don't leave
right now,
544
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:30,054
you're never gonna see
this again.
545
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:32,622
Call at your convenience.
546
00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:34,798
♪ Men.♪
547
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,457
♪ Men.♪[doorbell rings]
548
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:43,372
I'll get that.
It's probably Lyndsey looking
549
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:45,592
for a little morning wood
to start her fire.
550
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:46,680
Know what I'm saying?
551
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,899
I know what you're saying,
552
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:51,815
I just don't know why
you're saying it.
553
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:54,688
Uh, hello?
554
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,298
Mackenzie, you lying bitch!
555
00:20:56,385 --> 00:20:57,734
Uh-oh.
Congo, my ass!
556
00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,997
Don't run!
You don't want to run!
557
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:05,873
Yeah, it feels like home again.
558
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,049
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
559
00:21:08,136 --> 00:21:08,876
and TOYOTA.
36820
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