Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:03,394
♪ Men.♪
2
00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:05,092
Tell me, Henry,
3
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,529
why do you want to be
Mr. Schmidt's assistant?
4
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:08,791
He's my hero.
5
00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,010
I know everything about him.
6
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:13,100
"Possible stalker."
7
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:17,452
And why do you think
you're qualified?
8
00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:19,236
Like him,
I graduated high school at 16.
9
00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:22,022
Then I completed the four-year
computer science program
10
00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:23,588
at Harvard
in just under two years,
11
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,460
during which,
I founded an Internet startup,
12
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,811
and I'm currently two semesters
shy of my law degree.
13
00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:32,467
So, "no law degree."
14
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:35,078
Let me tell you a few things
15
00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:36,340
about Walden Schmidt
you may not know.
16
00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:37,689
Uh, the man is a genius.
17
00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:39,561
I knew that.
18
00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:43,608
"Likes to interrupt."
19
00:00:43,695 --> 00:00:45,958
He thinks in a different way
than the rest of us.
20
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,091
His mind is always working.
21
00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:49,832
Every time he opens his mouth,
22
00:00:49,919 --> 00:00:51,181
it's because he has
something important to say.
23
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,052
WALDEN:
Love the new toilet paper
24
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,358
you bought, Alan.
25
00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:57,622
It's like sliding
down a rainbow.
26
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,972
Except the pot at the end
doesn't have any gold in it.
27
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,583
When you hear something
this good,
28
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:01,974
you should write it down.
29
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:04,716
I'm sorry.
30
00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:05,978
Who's this?
31
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,502
Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson.
32
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,634
He's interviewing
for the assistant job.
33
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,767
Uh, assistant job?
34
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:13,377
Hi, Mr. Schmidt.
35
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:14,726
It's such an honor...[stuttering]
36
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:15,988
Eye contact.
37
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,034
It's okay, Henry.
38
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,864
[mouthing]
39
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:23,779
Alan, can I talk to you
for a second?
40
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:25,824
Uh, no problem,
Mr. Schmidt.
41
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:29,350
"Hi"? Really?
42
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,265
Not looking good, Hank.
43
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,703
What's up?
44
00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:37,401
Why are you interviewing Henry
to be my assistant
45
00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:39,795
when I just hired you
to be my assistant?
46
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,840
Oh, no, no, he's interviewing
to be myassistant.
47
00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:42,972
Your assistant?
48
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,669
Well, intern, actually.
49
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,367
He's not gonna cost us a penny,
and he's gonna do
50
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,977
all the menial stuff
I don't want to do.
51
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:50,458
Well, why don't I
just hire him for free
52
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,329
and cut out the middle man?
53
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:54,157
And in case I'm going too fast,
you're the middle man.
54
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,767
But I'm the big picture guy.
55
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,160
See, bringing Henry
on to Team Schmidt...
56
00:01:57,247 --> 00:02:00,250
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Team Schmidt?
57
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,773
Yeah, I'm gonna get
hats and shirts made.
58
00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,166
Well, Henry is.
59
00:02:03,253 --> 00:02:04,776
We're gonna have a new slogan.
60
00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:06,604
"No bull-Schmidt."
61
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,347
"Schmidt happens."
62
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,741
You're a Schmidt head.
63
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:18,703
I hired you to be my assistant
to help you out financially
64
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,618
'cause you had close
your chiropractic office.
65
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:22,794
I didn't have to close it;
I'm in a rent dispute.
66
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:25,623
People in rent disputes
don't fake their own death.
67
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,408
[doorbell rings]Oh, I'll get that.
68
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:29,627
You are looking good today,
boss.
69
00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,194
That's why he got
good toilet paper.
70
00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:34,415
So my ass is clean
while he's kissing it.
71
00:02:34,502 --> 00:02:36,243
Huh, my 12:00
must be early.
72
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,594
Someone who really
wanted this job
73
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:40,812
would've taken the initiative.
74
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,162
Too late, Harvard.
75
00:02:45,077 --> 00:02:46,731
Hello.
76
00:02:46,818 --> 00:02:48,994
Hi. You Alan Harper?
77
00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:50,996
Yes, I am.
And, uh, and you are...?
78
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:51,997
Your niece.
79
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,564
Eurniece?
80
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:54,391
That's a...
that's a pretty name.
81
00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:56,088
Is that Dutch?
82
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,612
No, I'm Jenny.
83
00:02:57,699 --> 00:02:59,004
I'm your brother
Charlie's daughter.
84
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:00,789
Uh, Henry?Yes?
85
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:01,137
Catch me.
86
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,186
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
87
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:09,841
♪ Ooh ♪♪ Men. ♪
88
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,020
♪ Men.♪
89
00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:16,892
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry,
90
00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:20,112
did-did you say that
you're... Charlie's daughter?
91
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,244
Yeah.
92
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,333
Listen, I got a wicked hangover.
93
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,945
You got any aspirin, ibuprofen,
rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?
94
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:30,035
Uh, yeah, yeah,
come on in.
95
00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:32,560
Uh, Henry, uh,
get her an aspirin and vodka.
96
00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:33,952
On it!
97
00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:35,998
Kitchen's that way.Damn it!
98
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,220
I-I can't believe this.
99
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,004
I mean, I can, but I-I can't.
100
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,354
I mean, how did this happen?
101
00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:46,138
From what my mom told me...
102
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,750
Ooh, can we... can we maybe
turn down the lights?
103
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,839
That's the sun.
104
00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:53,494
Right, I hate the sun.
105
00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:57,324
It's like God calling you
an alcoholic.
106
00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,892
Anyway, according to my mom,
it was love at first sight.
107
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,372
They met in a bar,
108
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,592
they got drunk and had sex
in the bathroom.
109
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,812
[chuckles] It was like
a freakin' Disney movie.
110
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:12,904
Poke-a-hot-ass.
111
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:16,343
And where did the kid go
for the vodka? Poland?
112
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,345
Look, I don't mean
to be rude,
113
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,695
but how do I know that you're
really Charlie's daughter?
114
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,653
I mean, this could be
some kind of scam.
115
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:23,959
I have a picture of us together.
116
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,440
It's in here somewhere.
117
00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:28,442
Oh, look. [laughs]
118
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,094
My vagina.
119
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,923
[chuckles]
120
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,534
Oh, wait, that's not mine.
121
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,014
Oh, that's mine.
122
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:38,800
[chuckles]
123
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,410
Ah, there you go.
124
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,630
This was taken
at my fourth birthday party.
125
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,676
Just a heads up, I might vomit;
where's the nearest bathroom?
126
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:46,677
Oh, right down the hall.
127
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:48,157
Okay, I think we're good,
128
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,724
but it's always nice
to have a plan.
129
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,248
Anyway, this was party was
the last time I saw him.
130
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,945
After that,
he just sent checks.
131
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,991
He-he sent checks?
132
00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:57,819
Yeah, my mom didn't want him
to have anything to do with me,
133
00:04:57,906 --> 00:04:59,386
but he always made sure
I was taken care of.
134
00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:02,214
He never said a word
about any of this to me.
135
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,260
I'm his brother, his-his blood.
136
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:05,348
Were they big checks?
137
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,742
Yeah, got one every month.
138
00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:09,047
Bastard.
139
00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:12,399
My mom just called me special.
140
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:14,139
This Henry guy is awesome.
141
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:16,490
Did you know I won a
spelling bee in fifth grade?
142
00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:20,232
I didn't!
143
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:25,673
Who's this,
Henry's assistant?
144
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,371
Walden, this is Jenny,
145
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,460
my brother's daughter.
146
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,984
Really?
147
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,073
Hi.
Hi.
148
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,902
I, uh, didn't know
Charlie had a daughter.
149
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:40,557
Neither did I.
150
00:05:40,644 --> 00:05:42,080
He sent her checks,
big checks.
151
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,040
Not that that matters now.
152
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,216
[whispers]:
Every month!
153
00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:50,437
Hey, am I related
154
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,700
to Abercrombie & Fitch
over here?
155
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,919
No, I own the house.
156
00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:57,966
Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.
157
00:05:58,053 --> 00:06:01,143
So does he.
158
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,101
So, uh, tell us
more about you.
159
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,146
Not much to tell.
160
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:06,017
I was born in New York,
161
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:08,106
got kicked
out of a few private schools,
162
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,108
tried to become a doctor
to make my mom happy,
163
00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:13,547
dropped out, became an actress
to piss her off.
164
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:14,591
An actress, oh.
165
00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,071
Your father loved actresses.
166
00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:17,986
Yeah, I was only going
to med school
167
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,988
so I could write myself
prescriptions for oxy.
168
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:23,861
Oh, your father loved oxy.
169
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,559
HENRY:
Sorry it took so long.
170
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:28,562
Here's vodka and two aspirin.
171
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,607
Thank God. Oh.
172
00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:35,786
I was wrong; I am gonna puke.
173
00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:38,006
Your father
loved to puke.
174
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:41,183
♪ Men.♪
175
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,880
So, when I was, like, five,
176
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,622
my mom married
this total loser named Rob.
177
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:47,232
He moved in with us
and never looked for a job,
178
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,974
but he's been sponging
off of her ever since.
179
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:52,020
Who does that?
180
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,851
So, uh, how long
you been in L.A.?
181
00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:57,982
Couple weeks.
182
00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,593
And you got a place to stay?
183
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,508
He asks, knowing full well
she's a Harper.
184
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,424
Yeah, I'm crashing
at a friend's house.
185
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:05,903
That's great. Friends are great.
186
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,122
You should make
some friends, Alan.
187
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,255
So, just the two of you
live here?
188
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:12,954
Uh, well, my son,
your cousin Jake,
189
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:15,739
uh, used to live with us,
but he's in the army now.
190
00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:16,914
Stationed in Japan.
191
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,916
Oh, that's impressive.
192
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,309
Because of the time difference,
193
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,398
he thinks he lives
in the future.
194
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:23,965
Maybe we can call him
and find out
195
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,923
when this headache's
gonna go away.
196
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,882
Oh, and, uh,
you have a grandmother.
197
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,318
Oh, that's great!
198
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,625
In theory.
199
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,104
When she finds out
she has a granddaughter,
200
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:34,584
she's gonna have a heart attack.
201
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,065
You know,
I'm gonna call her right now.
202
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,763
♪ Men.♪
203
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:40,764
This is it.
204
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,766
This was your dad's room.
205
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,638
Wow.
206
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:48,032
I always tried to imagine
what my dad's life was like.
207
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:50,034
It's weird to finally see it.
208
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:53,821
I never met him,
but I heard he was quite a guy.
209
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:56,519
I heard he was
a drunken man whore.
210
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:59,479
Like I said, quite a guy.
211
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:00,915
So, uh,
212
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,612
this your and Alan's room?
213
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:03,787
What?
214
00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:05,136
[chuckles]:
No.
215
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:06,877
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
216
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:08,270
We're not... I'm not...
217
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,272
The, um... really?
218
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:12,840
You really don't think
I can do better than Alan?
219
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,015
I don't know.
220
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:16,147
Maybe he's got a huge schlong.
221
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:20,064
Well, we're not a couple,
and he doesn't.
222
00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:22,980
Which is fine.
I mean, not that size matters.
223
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:23,764
Not that I was looking.
224
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:25,069
I'm not gay.
225
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:28,464
So why is he still living here?
226
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,031
Well, at first...
227
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:31,685
Then...
228
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:32,250
I don't know.
229
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:36,516
So, um,
230
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:38,300
this is where your
dad used to sleep.
231
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:39,867
I got a new mattress,
232
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,652
and I replaced the
carpets and the drapes
233
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:46,743
and pretty much anything
that could absorb fluid.
234
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:47,831
Wow.
235
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,398
If these walls could talk.
236
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:52,183
They'd probably say,
"Can I get a towel?"
237
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,794
So, I mean,
238
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:56,361
I wish there was more
that Charlie left behind.
239
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,625
You know, other than Alan.
240
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,409
So... [sighs]
241
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:05,022
my dad stood in this same spot,
staring out at the ocean.
242
00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:06,197
I wonder what was going
through his mind.
243
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,156
I wonder what he was thinking.
244
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,811
Besides, of course,
245
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:14,641
"how can I nail those two
hot surfer chicks out there?"
246
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:17,078
Huh, now I'm thinking it.
247
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,167
Oh, please.
248
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:22,649
With your looks and this house,
I'm sure you do fine.
249
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,607
Well, you'd think that,
but the truth is,
250
00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,783
when it comes to women,
I've never really been much
251
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,219
of a casual sex
kind of guy.
252
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:29,569
And every time I do
get close to one,
253
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,483
she ends up pulling
away from me,
254
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,311
and then I wind up
back in this room,
255
00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:36,619
thinking where I
went wrong again.
256
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,315
Alone.
257
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:41,145
So alone.
258
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,237
[sighs]
259
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,414
Oh, yeah.
260
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,503
[chuckles]
You're not gay.
261
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,159
Mom, I have some news for you.
262
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:58,249
Sit down.
263
00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:00,687
Okay, push him off and sit up.
264
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,820
Um, I know this is gonna come
as quite the shock,
265
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:06,344
but it turns out
Charlie has a daughter.
266
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:11,306
Mom? Mom?
267
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,830
Are you dead?
268
00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,136
Oh, good.
269
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:17,312
Um, no, I know.
270
00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:18,966
I know, it's crazy, right?
271
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:20,663
Yeah, no, she's here now.
272
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,752
Well, well, come on over.
273
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:25,059
Okay, finish first
and then come over.
274
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,932
Good news.
Uh, my mother's on her way over.
275
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,413
First time I've ever said that.
276
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,676
Wow, insta-family.
277
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:35,678
Uncle, grandmother,
278
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,245
step-hot-guy.
279
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:38,289
I'm sorry,
I don't know what to call you.
280
00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:40,291
Oh, step-hot-guy works.
281
00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:43,468
All that's missing is my dad.
282
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,209
Actually, he's here, too.
283
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:48,038
Um, follow me.
284
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:49,779
Uh, where are we going?
285
00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,694
Uh, well, you know how sailors
get buried at sea?
286
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:54,044
Yeah.I keep Charlie
in the liquor cabinet.
287
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:56,743
Let's see.
288
00:10:56,830 --> 00:11:01,617
Uh, Johnnie Walker,
Jack Daniel's...
289
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:02,313
Charlie Harper.
290
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:08,145
Huh, he looks different
than his pictures.
291
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:12,106
Um, Charlie, this is
your daughter Jenny.
292
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,281
Hi, Dad!
293
00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:17,720
This seems weird. Does this
seem weird to anybody else?
294
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,027
Yes, it's weird.
295
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:23,291
Almost as weird as
when we take him to the movies.
296
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,036
Charlie, I wish you were here
297
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:32,213
to see how beautiful
your daughter turned out.
298
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,650
I-I think you'd be impressed.
299
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:35,259
I think a lot of...
300
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:37,218
Oh!
301
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:40,003
[coughs]
302
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,440
Oh, not again.
303
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,442
I ain't cleaning that up.
304
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:53,364
♪ Men.♪
305
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:59,327
Oh. Oh, look.
306
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:00,937
A quarter.
307
00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:05,289
Unbelievable.
308
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:07,814
You even mooch
off the dead.
309
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:09,816
One more.
310
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,818
Yeah, you're
Charlie's daughter.
311
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,733
You don't seem very surprised.
312
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,474
Only surprised there aren't
more of you running around.
313
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:20,435
God, I loved your dad.
314
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,393
I remember the first
time I met him.
315
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,917
He asked me if I knew
how to do three things:
316
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:25,919
cook, clean and
score an eight ball
317
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:29,792
at 2:30 in the morning.
318
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:32,882
I told him I didn't know
how to cook or clean.
319
00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:34,623
I've been here ever since.
320
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,059
[laughs]
321
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,409
I'm-I'm sure you have
a story about Charlie
322
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:39,759
that doesn't involve drugs.
323
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,892
Okay. One time
at Mardi Gras...
324
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:44,546
Or alcohol.
325
00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:45,895
All right.
326
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,810
Once when Charlie
was in Vegas...
327
00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:49,856
Or hookers.
328
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,945
Geez, you're really
tying my hands!
329
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,035
Okay, I got it.
330
00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:57,080
It was New Year's Eve,
331
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,952
and Charlie was
super not drunk,
332
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:02,042
and he was with this
crazy not hooker,
333
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:06,089
and he decided to have
his sphincter bleached.
334
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:07,961
Whoa! Whoa!
What?
335
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,266
Why?
336
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,878
Because he cared
about women.
337
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:15,925
Unfortunately, it got
infected, and he needed me
338
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,928
[voice breaks]: to dab
a little ointment...
339
00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,800
I'm sorry.
340
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:24,107
It's just that I miss him
so much!
341
00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:25,848
God took the wrong Harper!
342
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,809
[door closes]
343
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:32,463
EVELYN:
Where is my granddaughter?
344
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:34,335
Did it just get cold in here?
345
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:38,469
Oh, my God.
346
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:39,993
Look at you.
347
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,690
Mom, this is Jenny.
348
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:42,734
Jenny,
349
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,258
this is Evelyn.
350
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:46,042
You are so beautiful.
351
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:48,262
You remind me of me
ten years ago.
352
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:52,309
Your father was
the apple of my eye.
353
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:53,223
My greatest gift.
354
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:55,356
My reason for living.
355
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,314
Uh, hello.
356
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,057
Hello, Alan.
357
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:05,540
I can't believe
I finally have a grandchild.
358
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,324
You already have
a grandchild-- Jake.
359
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:10,458
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
360
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:13,765
So, Jennifer...
361
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,289
Actually, it's Jenny.
362
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:17,073
Darling, you're not 12 anymore.
It's Jennifer.
363
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,468
We are going to have
so much fun together:
364
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:24,080
lunching, shopping,
taking care of those eyebrows.
365
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,691
Where are you staying
while you're in town?
366
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:28,302
I'm crashing on
a friend's couch.
367
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:30,695
Not anymore.
You'll stay with me.
368
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:33,133
Aw! I love you, Evelyn.
369
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,395
Whoa, whoa!
If she's staying anywhere,
370
00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:35,657
she's gonna stay at my place.
371
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,702
And by "your place," do you mean
372
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:40,314
the office that
you stopped paying rent at
373
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,011
or the house that
you've never paid rent at?
374
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,013
Look, I'm not gonna let my mom
screw her up
375
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,059
like she did me and Charlie.
376
00:14:46,146 --> 00:14:48,017
Hey! I was a good mother.
377
00:14:48,104 --> 00:14:50,585
No, you know
who was a good mother?
378
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,587
Our housekeeper Adela.
She even breast-fed me.
379
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:55,242
She had just had a baby.
380
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:57,635
And when the milk truck
is parked on the street,
381
00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:00,508
you don't go
to the grocery store.
382
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:04,207
Besides, you-you used
to gnaw on me.
383
00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:06,775
You're gnawer.
384
00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,733
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
385
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,693
You know what?
She's gonna stay in Jake's room.
386
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,477
Whoa, whoa, no.
387
00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:16,045
I do not want Jake's room
to become Jenny's room.
388
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,352
You know, in fact,
there is no Jake's room
389
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:19,527
and there's no Jenny's room.
390
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:21,050
There's just Walden's room.
391
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,052
And Charlie's room.
392
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:25,011
Why don't we let her decide?
393
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,142
Yeah, yeah,
it's up to her.
394
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:29,711
Is anyone listening to me?!
395
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,626
Jennifer?
396
00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:32,888
Where'd she go?
397
00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:36,500
Nice job, Alan.
398
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:39,199
You made another woman
disappear.
399
00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:40,896
Can you believe her?
400
00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,898
What did I do to her to
make her hate me so much?
401
00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,726
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
402
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:47,598
Oh, oh. What, you, too?
403
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:50,079
Oh!
404
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:51,994
Son of a...
405
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:53,169
Ooh, a nickel!
406
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,650
♪ Men.♪
407
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,478
This is ridiculous.
408
00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:58,958
We're never going to find her.
409
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,829
I don't understand
why she ran off like that.
410
00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:02,309
I can think of two reasons.
411
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:08,968
First I lost my Charlie,
now I've lost my Jennifer.
412
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,795
You still have your Alan.
413
00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:13,015
Oh! Don't make it worse.
414
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,932
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
415
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:21,937
Oh, God,
my granddaughter's gone forever.
416
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:24,809
Oh, there she is
at the bus stop.
417
00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:28,422
Oh, God, my granddaughter
rides the bus!
418
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,081
Jenny, what are you doing?
419
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:37,866
I'm trying to get away
from you people.
420
00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:39,607
Look, I just wanted to see
where my dad lived.
421
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,087
I didn't want
to screw up your family.
422
00:16:41,174 --> 00:16:42,784
Uh, for the record,
423
00:16:42,871 --> 00:16:44,046
they were screwed up
long before you got here.
424
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,482
It's true.
425
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,223
H-Hey, if I'm screwed up,
it's your fault.
426
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,485
You raised me.
427
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:50,835
I didn't raise you,
Adela did.
428
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,838
Look, I already have
a messed-up family.
429
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,057
I-I don't need another one.
430
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:56,363
Oh, we're sorry.
431
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,104
This is just how
we express our love.
432
00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,149
Through hate.
Oh, no, no, no.
433
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:01,803
W-We don't hate each other.
434
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:06,155
I mean, the truth is,
my mother is an amazing woman.
435
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,114
I mean, she-she raised
two kids on her own,
436
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,245
she's a successful
businesswoman,
437
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:13,336
she has impeccable taste.
438
00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:15,034
Thank you, Alan.
439
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,209
Oh, right.
440
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:19,168
Uh, and Alan is...
441
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,258
the reason I had
my tubes tied.
442
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:28,177
Because she knew she would
never do better than me.
443
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:32,834
Please, sweetheart,
I just found you.
444
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:34,357
I can't lose you now.
445
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,880
We want you to be a
part of our lives.
446
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,360
What do you say?
447
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,145
Well, if I'm gonna be
a part of this family,
448
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:42,017
I'm gonna need a drink.
449
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,410
You hear that, Charlie?
450
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:44,759
Your daughter
needs a drink.
451
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,936
You're looking the
wrong way, Mom.
452
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,546
♪ Men.♪
453
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,854
A toast.
To Charlie Harper.
454
00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:56,814
My brother, your son,
your father, and your...
455
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,426
Guy who got hit by a train
so I could buy his beach house?
456
00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:01,863
Sorry, Evelyn.
457
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,343
It's okay. I got the commission.
458
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:06,302
To Charlie.
459
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:09,610
So, is that the bathroom
460
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:12,047
where the miracle
of my life began?
461
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,136
It is.
462
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:16,921
Want to see it?
463
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,140
I do.
464
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,055
Text a picture of it to my mom.
465
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,839
Should be good
for some guilt money.
466
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,928
I'll run interference.
467
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:26,975
All right, everybody out!
468
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:28,933
Woman visiting the place
of her conception!
469
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,763
I can't tell you
how relieved I am
470
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,765
to finally
have an heir.
Mm.
471
00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:35,853
Wait, what?
472
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:37,638
She's my granddaughter.
473
00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,509
I want to provide
for her.
474
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,120
And since I wasn't around
475
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,730
for the first 25 years
of her life,
476
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,298
it's only fitting that
she inherit my estate.
477
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,691
You weren't around for
the first 45 years of my life.
478
00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,563
You have Walden!
479
00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:51,913
Oh, oh, do I? Do you see
a ring on this finger?
480
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,523
Don't worry, darling.
481
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,569
There's a little something
for you in my will.
482
00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:56,483
A little something?
483
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:57,832
Look, if you knew
484
00:18:57,919 --> 00:18:59,616
you were gonna
get everything,
485
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:01,705
you would've smothered me
with a pillow years ago.
486
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,403
That is not true.
487
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:06,667
If I knew I had money coming,
I'd hire a professional.
488
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,105
How'd it go?Great.
489
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:11,585
I laughed, I cried.
490
00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:14,718
I peed.
491
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,329
How are you guys doing
over here?
492
00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:17,808
Can I get you anything else?
493
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,682
Yeah, we might need
a designated driver
494
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,423
to get us back
to his beautiful beach house.
495
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,383
I'll take you guys.
I get off in 15.
496
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,256
Great. Thanks.
497
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:33,346
She's cute.
498
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,261
Told ya.
499
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,437
Malibu beach house
gets you laid every time.
500
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,440
Not every time.
501
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:45,619
♪ Men.♪
502
00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:49,100
Oh, my God,
this house is amazing!
503
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,233
Well, it's... Yeah.
504
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,062
And look at
that view.
505
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,672
It's even better
from the bedroom.
506
00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:56,804
Want to see?
507
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:58,066
Yeah.
508
00:19:58,153 --> 00:19:59,285
After you.
509
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,026
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
510
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:02,897
Where are you going?
511
00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:04,246
Up to show her.
512
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,248
Oh, you thought...?
513
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:09,033
Oh, no-no-no-no-no,
she's mine.
514
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,687
Next time I'll get two.
515
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,825
What just happened?
516
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:19,827
Charlie's back.
517
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,481
♪ Men.♪
518
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:27,704
♪ Men.♪
519
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:28,749
Good morning.
520
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:30,359
No, no, not good.
521
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,318
I slept in the guest room
of my own house,
522
00:20:32,405 --> 00:20:34,755
and I'm pretty sure I still have
some of your brother in my ear.
523
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:36,931
Don't worry,
tonight I'll tell Jenny
524
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:38,149
that your bedroom's off limits.
525
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,542
No, there is no tonight!
526
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:40,543
But she's family.
527
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,066
Not my family.
528
00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:42,719
And I'm gonna tell her
she can't stay.
529
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:45,722
Morning.
Hi.
530
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,768
You girls have a good night?
531
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:48,986
Oh, yeah.
532
00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:52,512
I'm surprised I can even talk.
533
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:56,690
You were saying?Shut up.
534
00:20:56,777 --> 00:20:58,605
Captioning sponsored by
CBS, WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
535
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,607
and TOYOTA.
36512
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof