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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040
HE SNORES
2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,080
GULLS CALL LOUDLY
3
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BANGING
4
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,760
Er, excuse me, do you sell buckets?
5
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Buckets? No.
6
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Really?
7
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,880
No call for them. Old-fashioned.
8
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So how do people, you know, like,
carry water and stuff?
9
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,880
Well, everything's plumbed-in
these days.
10
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You know, it's piped to wherever it
needs to be
11
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,240
so there's no need for anyone
to carry any by hand.
12
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:26,000
What colour bucket?
13
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,400
Well, doesn't really matter.
Any colour.
14
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,240
No, sorry, I can't help you.
15
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,680
A hosepipe, that's the closest
we do. Garden section.
16
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OK.
17
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,680
Excuse me?
18
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,000
Is that right that you
don't sell buckets any more?
19
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,880
I'm sorry?
20
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,880
Your colleague just told me that
you don't sell buckets any more
21
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,560
because they're old-fashioned.
22
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,520
Do you mean those things
that people used to carry water in?
23
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,680
Yeah.
24
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,000
Oh...
25
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,840
We haven't stocked buckets
in a while, mate.
26
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,640
Tell you what, you might want to try
the Vintage and Antiques Emporium.
27
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,920
TANNOY: Enjoy big savings on
solvents this summer at Tool Box.
28
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,400
White spirits,
meths and turpentine...
29
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,360
Did you see Celebrity
Barrel Scrapers last night?
30
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,760
Did I see what?
31
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,560
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.
32
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,000
It's like... You know
Barrel Scrapers, the show?
33
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,160
Well, it's like that
but the celebrity version.
34
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,200
I haven't got a telly.
Are you serious,
35
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,560
there's a programme called
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers?
36
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,720
Yeah. Didn't recognise any of
the celebrities in it, though.
37
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,240
Apart from that bald bloke from,
er, what's-it-called...
38
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,560
It's funny, though.
39
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,280
What do they do, the celebrities?
40
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,520
Just, you know, scrape
the barrels out, get 'em clean.
41
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,440
Gets really messy. It's dead good.
42
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,200
Hang on, you don't have a TV?
43
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,840
No.
44
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280
Prick.
45
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,160
Everyone's going to the pub
next Friday after work.
46
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,040
It's someone's birthday.
You coming?
47
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,320
Whose birthday?
48
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,720
Bloke who cuts the MDF.
49
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,600
Andre. Mm-hm.
50
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,480
Maybe. I'll see.
51
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,080
A big tall guy, about six foot.
A big white bea..
52
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,800
Him! Him, there,
with the white beard!
53
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,320
Him!
OK, thank you. I'll, um...
54
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,920
Here we go.
55
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,760
Did you tell that customer we don't
sell buckets?
56
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,960
No.
57
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,520
He said you told him
we don't sell buckets,
58
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,360
that there's no call for them.
59
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,160
Oh, BUCKETS? Oh! Is that what he
was after?
60
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,160
YAWNING: I couldn't understand
what he was saying.
61
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,960
What time do you go to bed?
62
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,440
None of your business, Gordon.
63
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,040
It is my business if my staff are
falling asleep on their feet
64
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,200
and they can't hear
the customers properly.
65
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,360
You don't lose your hearing
when you're tired. Oh...
66
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:38,400
PHONE RINGS
67
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,720
Hello, Hilary? Is everything OK?
68
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,840
OK, I'll be right there. No...
69
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,040
No, it's fine. I'm not busy.
70
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,800
No, honestly, it's not a problem.
71
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,600
Yes.
72
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,240
OK, I'm on my way.
73
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,160
I've got to go.
Me dad's lost something.
74
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,600
Lost something?
75
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,600
Have you been on your break?
76
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,520
Oh, hello, love. Sorry.
77
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,240
No, it's all right. What's happened?
78
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,000
I would've waited till you came
in later,
79
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,040
but he was upset and threatening
to call the police. Really?
80
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,800
Tina found this on his bed
when he was at breakfast
81
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,360
and brought it to me.
82
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,640
He noticed it
was missing and kicked off.
83
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,920
Bloody 'ell!
84
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,440
Right, um...
85
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,840
Well, I'll...I'll see if I can get
to the bottom of it.
86
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,880
Thanks, Hilary. Sorry.
87
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,320
KNOCK ON DOOR
88
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,560
Hello, Dad.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
89
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,960
There's a thief in this place
and I've had enough!
90
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,480
It's outrageous.
I'm writing a letter.
91
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,760
All right, Dad, calm down.
No-one's stole it.
92
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,400
I've got it here. They didn't
know what it was.
93
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,080
It says quite clearly on the tin
what it is - poison.
94
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,440
Well, exactly. They were worried.
95
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,920
I'm not a child.
96
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,160
Why have you got a tin of poison?
What is going on?
97
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,120
Give it here.
98
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,280
Right.
99
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,160
One, two, three, four, five, six.
100
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,360
Oh, they're all there.
Thank God for that.
101
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,800
I couldn't replicate these.
Once they're gone, they're gone.
102
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,840
Seriously, Dad, why have you got
six phials of poison?
103
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,960
This is the antidote that dissolves
the homunculi,
104
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,240
only to be used in case
of emergency.
105
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,840
It was given to me, I don't know
what's in it,
106
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,560
and I couldn't make it again.
107
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,640
Did you find the diaries?
108
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,400
Mike? Eh?
109
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,840
Did you find the instructions?
110
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,440
Yes. Excellent. So have you got it
set up?
111
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,680
No, Dad. I haven't had time.
112
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,360
Well, the sooner you start the
chanting, the sooner you'll be able
113
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,600
to get results and the sooner
you'll be able to ask about Clea.
114
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,320
You have to chant to the bottles.
115
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,160
It's all there in the instructions.
116
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,680
Wh-what...what's wrong?
117
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,240
This was in the journal.
118
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,200
There they are!
119
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,120
Oh, my God.
I'd forgotten I took this.
120
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,760
Dad, I'm so confused.
121
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,920
I thought that this was just
a bedtime story.
122
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,080
I didn't think it might
actually be real.
123
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,360
Trust me. You want to know
where Clea is?
124
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,760
When she's coming home?
125
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,840
They can answer any question,
126
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,760
and they're compelled
to answer truthfully.
127
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,680
OK. Just remind me
what they actually are.
128
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,760
Homunculi. Prophesying spirits.
129
00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,800
Right. I looked up "homunculus" in
the dictionary, and it said,
130
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,640
"A very small, humanoid creature."
131
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,240
That's it, yeah. "That's it"?!
132
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,400
So, what, a human? An animal?
133
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,720
Is this legal?
134
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,160
Well, it's not ILLEGAL.
135
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,600
That doesn't exactly put my mind
at rest, Dad!
136
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,120
Trust me.
137
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,120
Yes, yes. All right.
138
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,000
Before I forget, will you post
some letters for me?
139
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,280
More competitions?
140
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,040
Yeah. This one's foot spa,
141
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,240
this one's dog grooming classes,
142
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,040
and this one's a Lamborghini.
143
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,440
Fingers crossed.
144
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,640
Oh, and this one, er,
you'll need a stamp.
145
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,480
You'll have to go to
the Post Office.
146
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:40,160
It's going to Vancouver,
to my old school friend Vic.
147
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,880
Oh, righto. How is Vic these days?
148
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,240
Much the same. Not much
to say for himself, but, er...
149
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,080
..he always asks after you.
After me? Does he?
150
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,720
Yeah, yeah, very interested in
what you're up to.
151
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,040
Did I ever meet him?
152
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,000
Um... Maybe once,
when you were little.
153
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,280
Right. Well, next time...
154
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,120
..tell him I said hello.
155
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,040
Hello, Olive. Hello, Michael.
156
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,360
What you got there? Jars?
157
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,480
Yep, jars. Big, aren't they?
158
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,440
Yep, big jars.
What are you sprinkling today?
159
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,040
Ant powder. Oh, yeah?
160
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,360
Little bastards coming indoors
and eating all the cake.
161
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,520
Wankers.
162
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,960
Got to get them early,
otherwise they start bloody flying.
163
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,280
You know that? They sprout wings
and start bloody flying
164
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,880
all over the place on 4th of July,
Independence Day.
165
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,120
So, I'm putting the powder down.
166
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,800
Yeah, that'll learn 'em. Mm!
167
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,680
See you later, Olive. Cheerio.
168
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,760
OK, Dad. I'm doing this, am I?
169
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,240
Can you put those in a bag for me?
Thank you.
170
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,040
VOICEMAIL: Please leave a message.
171
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,680
Hello, um, this is, er, Michael.
Michael Sleep.
172
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,880
I'm just leaving a message.
173
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,120
I won't be coming in today,
I'm afraid.
174
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,360
I've got a bit of a runny bottom.
175
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,440
Morning, Michael. Morning.
176
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,080
Er, morning.
177
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,800
Are you just getting rid of
some stuff?
178
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,760
Er, just moving it.
179
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,320
Oh, to out the front here?
180
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,720
That's right. It's only temporary.
181
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,520
CLANGING
182
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,280
I was going to say,
183
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,240
I'm sorry you didn't get a chance
to take your hedge back.
184
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,840
Don't be sorry.
It's lucky, actually.
185
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,200
I spotted a pair of chaffinches
186
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,760
nesting in the ivy,
187
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,000
so I'm glad that we didn't
disturb them.
188
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,360
Chaffinches? Chaffinches!
189
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,960
CLATTER
190
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,800
That reminds me, your security light
at the front,
191
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,040
it's flashing on and off,
on and off, all night.
192
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,160
Is it?
193
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,240
There must be a branch or a twig
or something waving across it.
194
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,200
You probably don't notice it
if your bedroom's at the back.
195
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,080
I'll take a look. Yes, it's
on and off, on and off.
196
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,200
All night - on and off, on and off.
It's, like, every few minutes.
197
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,720
It's light pollution.
198
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,360
It's disturbing
the little chaffinches.
199
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,880
Light pollution... OK.
200
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,160
Just off to the DIY store.
Do you need anything?
201
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,320
No. Thanks.
202
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,280
Are you sure? I get a... Nope.
I get a staff discount.
203
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,000
No, thanks. All right.
204
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,480
All right, skiver?!
205
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,040
I thought you had the shits!
206
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,320
Sh!
207
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,800
Don't let him know I'm here!
208
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,720
Do you know, I'm having to do twice
as much work cos of you.
209
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,040
Well, you usually do fuck all, so
twice fuck all is still fuck all.
210
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,560
Mm.
211
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,280
Why are you here?
212
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,080
I need you to get some stuff for me.
213
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,120
Jesus.
214
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,880
All right, let me finish me cig.
215
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:46,480
And, er, remember to get
the staff discount. OK.
216
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,320
You building a bomb?
217
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,720
No!
218
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,160
Crystal meth?
219
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,600
HE SCOFFS
220
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,600
What?
221
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,400
Well, what's all this for?
222
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,200
I'm cleaning me fish tank.
What fish have you got?
223
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,960
Pilchards. You're lying.
224
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,040
It's for a project. I'll tell you
about it another time.
225
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,320
Did he see you? Gordon? No.
226
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,800
Kacey, I just wanted to say,
you've still got me credit card.
227
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,360
You're welcome!
228
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,280
# I've got something
I keep to myself
229
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,400
# I've got something
I keep to myself
230
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:09,560
# I've got something
I keep to myself
231
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,080
# And I'm not gonna
tell you what it is
232
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,680
# Not gonna tell you what it is. #
233
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,880
HE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC
234
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,440
BRIAN: Before the jars are sealed,
235
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,720
in each must be placed
a mineral seed item
236
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,640
from which the homunculus
will grow.
237
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,360
The seeds must be carefully selected
238
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,600
and be specific to
the creature's station.
239
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,280
For the Knight, a brass key.
240
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,600
For the Monk, the nib of a pen.
241
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,280
For the Peasant,
a plain, undecorated button.
242
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,320
For the Seraph,
a crystal of amethyst.
243
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,920
For the Queen, a gold ring.
244
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,280
And for the King, a silver coin,
as old as you can find.
245
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,080
Why does he have to behave
like this?
246
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,680
It's like every little thing
he does is designed to wind me up.
247
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,840
I mean, what the hell's his problem?
248
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,200
Bev?
249
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,560
Huh?
250
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,280
I'm saying, "What's his problem?"
251
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,440
Who?
252
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,640
Gandalf the friggin' Grey!
Who do you think?!
253
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,480
It sounds like you're the one
with the problem.
254
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,000
Why can't you just ignore him?
255
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,600
How can I, with that
racket going on?
256
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,840
SILENCE
257
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,880
HE SIGHS
258
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,200
Why can't he just be normal?
259
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,640
What're you doing?
260
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,880
I put a mirror down there.
Oh, and that's normal, is it?
261
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,320
Can you believe he's had the nerve
262
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,480
to complain about our
security light?
263
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,360
Light pollution he's accused me of.
264
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,760
I mean, his place is crawling
with vermin.
265
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,840
The amount of insects in his garden
is disgusting.
266
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,240
Spiders, wasps...
267
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,880
..bees.
268
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,720
And the effing sparrows chirping
all day long in the bushes.
269
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,760
Oh, it drives me insane.
270
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,160
Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia,
271
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,360
et ex praecordiis sonent...
272
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,560
Great. He's praying.
273
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:34,200
That's all we need -
a religious fanatic.
274
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,720
Bev!
275
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:36,960
What?!
276
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,240
What're you listening to?
277
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,160
A podcast. About what?
278
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,800
Sex trafficking.
279
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,040
Et ex praecordiis
280
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,720
sonent praeconia,
281
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,720
resedant... Rekedant?
282
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,800
Recedant vetera...vetera...
283
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,000
Sacris solemniis!
Iuncta sint gaudia!
284
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,080
SOFTLY: Et ex praeconis...
285
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,520
..sonent...
286
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,440
DULLY: Sacris solemniis
287
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,880
iuncta praecordia...
288
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,240
..et ex praeconiis...
289
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,800
PHONE RINGS
290
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,240
Hello?
291
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,880
Are you coming to the pub?
Who is this?
292
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,240
Kacey! Are you coming to the pub?
293
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,240
What time is it? I dunno.
294
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,880
Look, we're at the Open As Usual.
You said you'd come.
295
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,200
Why do you want me to come to
the pub so much?
296
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,520
I'm not asking you out on a date!
I'm just saying we're at the pub.
297
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,680
Fuck's sake, I'm just
being friendly.
298
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,720
All right, I'm sorry.
299
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,080
Which pub? Open As Usual.
300
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,440
All right? Yeah.
301
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,840
You all right?
302
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,160
You made it.
303
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,640
You must be made up.
304
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,720
Yeah, I might start weeping.
305
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,360
BRIGHAM GIGGLES
306
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,240
Oh-ho! Oh, here he is,
Weirdy Beardy!
307
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,080
Hey, someone get this man a drink!
308
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,760
HE GIGGLES
309
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,600
Michael? Michael!
Are you a train spotter? No.
310
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,200
GIGGLES
311
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,600
Are you a virgin?
312
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,240
What are you talking about?
313
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,360
How old are you, 50?
314
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,160
50-year-old virgin!
315
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,160
LAUGHTER
316
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,560
Oh, shut up, Brigham.
How old are you, five?
317
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,000
BRIGHAM GIGGLES
318
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,320
I love this freak!
319
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,880
My mate used to work at a restaurant
when you worked there.
320
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,240
Some burger place.
321
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,520
Oh, yeah, Burgers Burgers Burgers
on the high street.
322
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,880
Yeah. Said he stripped off in front
of all the customers!
323
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,440
Only to me vest and pants.
324
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,400
"Only to me vest and pants!"
325
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,760
What for?
326
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,280
I was resigning and
they wanted the uniform back.
327
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,520
My mate said, right, he swipes
a banoffee pie off the counter,
328
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,480
comes out front, strips off,
flips the manager the bird,
329
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,040
and then walks out in his boxers.
LAUGHTER
330
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,120
Is that true? Nearly.
It was a sticky toffee pudding.
331
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,360
And I had to come back
because me clothes and keys
332
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,120
were in the staffroom.
333
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,080
Oh, no, no, I'm only having the one.
I've got the car.
334
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,520
Leave it here, get the bus!
Where do you live?
335
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,440
Marvin Gardens, just off
the Wilmslow Road.
336
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,000
Oh, my God, yeah, I know it.
337
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,520
Listen, it's a 20 minute walk
from here. You're fine.
338
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,920
Do you know Danielle?
339
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,680
She used to live on the corner of
Marvin Gardens. I was mates with her
340
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,560
at school. I ain't spoken to her
in years, though.
341
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,440
She went off to catering college.
342
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,640
Oh, my God, there used to be this
house on Marvin Gardens, right,
343
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,000
that was just, like, full of junk
344
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,400
and, like, the garden was
an absolute jungle.
345
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,640
And, I mean, this bloke lived
there, but nobody saw him.
346
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,560
Well, Danielle saw him a few times,
but, anyways...
347
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,960
..he murdered his wife.
348
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,160
Yeah, everyone knew. I mean, the
police dug up his garden
349
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,040
and everything,
but they never found owt.
350
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,280
They reckon he dissolved her
in battery acid
351
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,960
and flushed her down the loo,
so he got away with it.
352
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,760
How long have you lived there?
353
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,360
Oh, my God, that's your house!
354
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,480
Did you murder your wife?
355
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,680
SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
356
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,640
I was never married.
357
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,040
But, no, I've never murdered anyone,
358
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,480
let alone flushed somebody
down the toilet.
359
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,960
Come to think of it, everything
Danielle said was absolute bullshit.
360
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,880
Michael? Michael!
361
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,880
BRIGHAM GIGGLES
362
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,720
Do you like Star Trek?
363
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,760
GIGGLES MANICALLY
364
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,520
So...were you really
an underwater welder?
365
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,880
What's that? Were you really
an underwater welder?
366
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,080
Oh, no, I made that up.
367
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,640
Do you know, I knew it,
you bullshitter!
368
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,480
I went down a two-hour
underwater-welding rabbit-hole
369
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,080
last night! I mean, I watched
videos on YouTube!
370
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,680
I know everything about it.
371
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,280
So how does that work, then?
The fire underwater thing?
372
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,080
I'm not telling ya.
373
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:37,160
Your mate's story,
it wasn't all bullshit, though.
374
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,640
The police did dig up my garden.
375
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,800
Did me a favour, actually.
Had to clear up afterwards
376
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,200
and left it in a better state
than it was before!
377
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,760
Well, what were they
looking for, then?
378
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,760
Me girlfriend.
379
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,120
She left one day and
she never came back.
380
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,680
Everyone thought I'd killed her
for a while.
381
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,840
I didn't kill her.
382
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,160
I love her.
383
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,880
Michael! Do you collect stamps?
GIGGLES
384
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,280
Why do you find me so weird,
Brigham? I don't get it.
385
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,720
Just don't worry about him.
386
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,240
No, I don't understand.
Is it simply because I have a beard?
387
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,240
Or because I don't go on
the paintballing trips?
388
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,760
Cos that ain't that bloody weird,
is it?
389
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,440
Jason wears gold boots
390
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,160
with wings on, but here you all are
391
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,640
ripping into me!
392
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,320
Oh, careful, watch out,
or he'll strip down,
393
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,240
but only to his vest and pants!
394
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,760
You don't know anything about me.
395
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,320
If you knew what I'm actually
growing in my shed...
396
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,680
GIGGLING: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
397
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,880
Stop right there,
thank you very much.
398
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,640
What are you actually growing
in your shed?
399
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,560
What you don't know... Yeah?
400
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,120
..is that I am actually
growing homunc...
401
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,320
..homunculi.
402
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,320
BRIGHAM LAUGHS
403
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,080
I beg your pardon? Homunculi!
404
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,360
They are prophesying spirits
405
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,280
that can predict the future,
406
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,160
and I am growing them in jars
in my shed.
407
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,960
So when I'm winning billions
on the lottery,
408
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,160
you won't be laughing then,
will ya, eh?
409
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,640
What the fuck are you on about?!
410
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,120
SHOUTS: Homunculi!
411
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:13,480
All right!
412
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,880
Let's get you home, yeah?
413
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:15,960
BRIGHAM GIGGLES
414
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,040
Are you all right?
415
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,440
I'm fine.
416
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,040
So...
417
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,080
..what are you growing in jars
in your shed?
418
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,440
Homunculi.
419
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,360
And what's a homunculi? No.
420
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,000
No. "Homunculi" is plural.
421
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,160
"Homunculus" is singular.
422
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,240
And they are creatures.
They're like little people.
423
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,360
They're like little people in jars.
424
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,120
Like sea monkeys?
425
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,800
They're a little bit like
sea monkeys
426
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,120
but they can predict the fuchsia...
427
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,120
Fuchsia!
428
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,720
I had sea monkeys once.
429
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,520
They were really disappointing.
430
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,440
Like, the advert said that they were
so eager to please,
431
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,880
but my ones, they couldn't give
an apparent fuck.
432
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,960
They're not sea monkeys,
they're homunculi.
433
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,680
Can I come and see 'em?
434
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,440
No. Nobody can see them
at the moment
435
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:17,800
because they are invisible to
the human naked eye. So, no.
436
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,120
OK.
437
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,000
You don't have to walk me home.
I'm fine.
438
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,520
Hey, I'm not walking you home.
I live this way.
439
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,280
Fine.
440
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:28,720
SARCASTICALLY: Fine!
441
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,320
This is me.
442
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,080
All right, yeah, cool. I'm just...
443
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,080
SHE SIGHS SOFTLY
444
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,640
HE SIGHS SOFTLY
445
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,480
HE SNIFFS
446
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,560
HE INHALES RAGGEDLY
447
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,680
CREATURE GROWLS SOFTLY
448
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:04,800
# I know we're older now
449
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,400
# And lost again
450
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:15,080
# Down at the cul-de-sac
451
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,160
# You left, my friend
452
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,920
# I put the kettle on
453
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,800
# The wise man sung for you. #
50472
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