All language subtitles for Best.Medicine.S01E06.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_track3_[eng]

-[instrumental music]
-[birds squawking]

Oww!

-[giggling]
-What?

[Martin] Are you insane?

-[giggling]
-Stop. Stop it.

[giggling]

[door slams]

Elaine?
I've been attacked.

That gang of lunatics were
shooting blueberries at me.

Elaine Denton reporting live
from Port Wenn,

inside the offices
of Doc Martin Victim.

Whatever that is,
we don't have time for it. Okay?

We have a packed schedule,
and I need you

to secure the perimeter.

Unaware that his first patient

was already in the exam room,

Doc Martin was apparently
also unaware of the fact

that this weekend is
the Annual Blueberry Festival.

A tragic turn of events
for a tragic man

named Doc Martin,

who was a doctor.

[woman 1] I just love
the Blueberry Festival.

The street fair,
the tarts, the pies.

Stop talking
and open your mouth.

I'm gonna be getting in the vat

and stomping blueberries
to make wine.

Not with this foot fungus,
you're not.

I'm deathly allergic
to blueberries,

but I wanna eat,
like, a lot of pie.

So can you give me a pill
that makes it okay?

-Yes, of course.
-Really?

No. That way.

All right, Elaine, we only have
five minutes for lunch,

so why don't you go out
and get...

Where is everyone?

Faced with an empty
waiting room,

Doc Martin finally had room
to feel empty.

Will you stop with that voice?

I have to get
this reporter thing right.

I'm covering the Blueberry
Festival on my live stream.

I want it to look professional.

And dressing up
as Newscaster Smurf

screams professional.

We have eight patients
this afternoon

and my aunt's supposed
to be next.

-Where is she?
-Yeah, everybody cancelled.

No one is going to the doctor
on a Friday afternoon

during the Blueberry Festival.

Actually, shouldn't you be
getting ready too?

Ready for what?

You're gonna be a judge in

the big blueberry pie contest
tomorrow?

-[Martin] Oh, no, I'm not.
-Okay, but you are.

'Cause Dr. Reese was
always a judge.

Yeah, but I'm not Dr. Reese.

I am here with
a local old, old man

who is disoriented and confused.

He thinks that he can ignore one
of our most beloved traditions.

Beloved traditions? Please.

You people would throw a parade
at a new stoplight.

-[giggles]
-I'm not a pie judge.

-I'm a physician.
-Where are you going?

I'm going to see my next
scheduled patient.

More on this developing story
as it develops,

reporting alive from over here
by my desk.

I am Elaine Denton
for Eyewitness Blues.

-That was it. That was it.
-[door closes]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. All the festival booths.
Yep.

They're going right there.
And... Oh, my eyes.

[chuckles]
All right, now, doc.

All right now.

[sighs]

Hey, good morning.

Got something for you.

See at the pie contest,
Judge Martin.

[laughs]

Okay, okay, and the dunk tank,

it's going right over there.

Uh, hey, sorry.
Give me a second.

-Damn! Ah!
-[dog whines]

Uh, this...

Oh!

Oh, will you stop following me?

Just go away.

Put that down,
it's not mine. Shoo!

[dog barks]

[instrumental music]

Well, good morning to you.

Uh, good morning.

Perfect weather for the
festival, wouldn't you say, hm?

You seem to be taking it
very seriously.

My favorite time of year.

But doesn't all that bother
your skin or your eyelids?

All that face paint.

-Face paint.
-Hm.

What face paint?

[chuckles]

[whistling]

[theme music]

[knocking]

[instrumental music]

Well, Martin,
what a nice surprise.

And you're just in time
for lunch. Mwah!

Not here for lunch.

Oh, you're just dropping by?
Well, good. [chuckles]

I've just been thinking that we
should spend more time together.

And look, now, here you are.

I've come here to give you
your physical.

What?

[Martin] Your file says,
you haven't had a checkup

in three years.

Why don't you hop up
on the counter

and we'll take a look at you?

Oh, you gotta be joking.

There's nothing funny
about a 73-year-old woman

avoiding her annual urinalysis.
Now, up you go.

If you think I'm going to
let you examine me

in my own kitchen,

then I'm gonna have
to fillet you

with my boning knife.

Aunt Sarah, I need you
to take this seriously.

You may be my doctor,
but you're also my nephew,

and right now,
we're having lunch.

So wash your hands.

Honestly.

You know, they've asked me
to be a judge

at the pie contest... with you.

And I said yes, I thought
that that would be fun.

[water running]

[chuckles]
I hear that Elizabeth Evans

is making some kind of
blueberry meringue

or something like that.

Are you really taking
all these medications?

Well, two of them are
for my high blood pressure,

and the rest are, I don't know--

[Martin] Osteoporosis,

acid reflux, high cholesterol.

Good God, woman,
you're a ticking timebomb.

A-and this fried fish for lunch

isn't helping
the situation either.

Have you thought about
getting some exercise?

Maybe some leafy greens
in your diet?

Dr. Reese told me to avoid
the leafy greens

because they might
interact badly

with my blood thinner and
I might pass out or something.

And kale tastes like crap.

There's a new medication
on the market

that won't have
those complications.

I'll write you a prescription.

In the meantime,
we're gonna have a chat about

skipping medical appointments
at your advanced age.

If you're gonna continue
to play doctor,

I don't wanna eat lunch
with you, so get out.

Just go.
See you at the pie contest.

I'm not judging the pie contest.

Fine, then, I won't see you
at all.

[munching]

Fried fish is delicious.

[instrumental music]

[bell tolling]

[Ernie] Oh, Judge Martin,

what do you prefer,
flaky pie crust or puffy?

You lost me a judge.

[Annie] Judge Martin,

do you enjoy
a latticework topping?

I don't trust myself to do
a leaf pattern--

I'm not judging the pie contest.

-Oh!
-Martin. Hello.

Where are you headed?

Well, I'm on my way
for some lunch,

but it seems like
blueberry mania

has swallowed
this town whole.

Right.
Well, that time of year.

Which reminds me,
I've been wondering

um, if you happen
to like cinnamon.

I'm scared to ask. But why are
we talking about spices?

Or maybe vanilla or caramel.

Little ribbons of caramel

wrapping gently
around your tastebuds.

Oh, no, Louisa, not you too.

I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be
judging the pie contest.

I guess I'm just another
desperate pie baker

looking for an edge.

-You've all lost your mind.
-Maybe.

But this is a big deal
in this small town.

I mean, it's-it's nice.

It's tradition.
It's competitive.

Yeah, it's also high
in fat and sugar.

Yeah, but first place is
a little blue crown.

But Barry Hammers always wins.

Always. He always takes first.
Always.

Now the real competition in
Port Wenn is for a second.

Oh, wait. What about ginger?

You know, I mean, that's an
interesting combination, right?

With the blueberries.

Louisa, Louisa, Louisa,
I am not gonna be judging.

Judge Martin, do these
berries look fresh to you?

Am I crazy if I add mint
to my pie?

No, no, no.
Listen up, everyone.

I am the town doctor and
my only concern is your health.

So you can skip
your appointments

and ignore your well-being,
but I will not be deciding

the winner of your ridiculous
contest, because I don't care.

[splat]

[instrumental music]

Consider the ginger. [laughs]

We'll talk about it later.

[bird squawking]

Delighted to have you in
for lunch, doctor.

It was either this
or be force fed

blueberries in the parking lot.

I wanna take the garden salad

with chicken, please.

Unfortunately, we don't have

the garden salad today.

-I am so sorry.
-All right.

-Uh, steam fish.
-No, not that either.

-Shepherd's pie then.
-Hmm. Wouldn't that be lovely?

We're out of that one too.

What do you have in the kitchen?

[utensils clattering]

Today, in the kitchen,
we have Greg.

[Greg screams]

-It's this pie contest madness.
-Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, every year he decides

that he's the chef,
that he can cook.

-And yet--
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I chilled this dough.
I swear I did.

-It's not fair.
-I'm not allowed in there.

I'm a pie contest judge.
Conflict of interest.

And, yes, I heard that you
stepped down from your post.

God knows who they're gonna
get to replace you.

-[Greg screams]
-It's gonna be a long weekend.

Ah, but we still might have

one last tuna salad
in the back fridge.

-I hate mayonnaise.
-Oh, beggars can't be choosers.

I'll go check.

Tuna salad is delicious.

Lots of mayonnaise.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, I-I-I'm sorry, uh, you...

I have to ask.

You're blue. All of you.
And no makeup.

You're just blue.

It's because of all
the blueberries I eat.

[laughs]
You're joking.

You're not?
Uh, no, you can't be serious.

-Blueberries wouldn't...
-[crashing]

[Mark] Yo, that's on me.

Yo, I'm so sorry.

Totally, totally my fault.

I just couldn't see you
because my eyes.

[Martin] Let's have a look.
Put your head back.

Okay.
I-I think everything's fine.

It's just allergies.
Happens every year.

How about you let me
make the diagnosis

and you stick to being an idiot?

-Seems fair.
-You need to come to my office.

I can't, doc. I gotta go
set up the dunk tank.

Yes, I suppose a dunk tank
is more important

than you going blind.
Come on. This way.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

No, this way.
The other way, Mark.

This way.

Ah!

-[chuckles]
-Yes.

It's ready.
Okay, that's good.

So just like, keep my face
in frame all the time.

-Yes.
-Like, I'll stay, but...

-[dog barks]
-Shoo! Go, go, shoo!

You know, they replaced you
on the judging panel

with Bert.

Ooh. Big mistake.

You do not wanna give my dad

that much power.

Power? It's a pie contest.

[Mark] Oh, come on, doc.

You know, everything here
is just so nice

and people are so sweet.

We just need one day a year
to be, like,

really competitive and vicious.

Like "The Purge,"
but with blueberries.

All right, well, the eye drops
and the warm compress

should help your eyes some,
but I strongly suspect

you have Reiter's syndrome.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

I haven't written anything
all week.

Maybe a parking ticket.
And in my dream journal--

R-E... Reiter's syndrome.

Is is it painful to urinate,
Mark?

Typically people suffering
from Reiter's

can't see, can't pee,
and can't climb a tree

due to untreated chlamydia.

[whispers]
Chlamydia? Chlamydia?

-The STD Chlamydia?
-[Martin] Yes.

How many sexual partners
have you had

since your breakup with Louisa?

I don't know, like four, five...

eight...

-I think nine.
-[Elaine] My friend Gretchen.

-Ten.
-[Al] Debbie

Eleven.

-Ugh!
-[Mark] Come on, doc.

You know what it's like.

Big man, small pond,

all the fish jumping
into my net.

-You get it?
-Yeah, I'd rather not.

So you need to notify

each of your sexual partners
of their exposure.

Wait, doc. Notify them?

Like, tell them that
I might have given them...

That they might have chlamydia?

Exactly.

And this will clear up
the infection.

Prescription for doxycycline.

[Mark] No. No. Wait, doc.
Doc, wait.

So, like a prescription that
I need to, like, go get filled?

Yes. I assume you know
how these things work.

Elaine, I'm going out
to get some food,

and nothing is gonna stop me.

Okay, I guess I have to....

Somebody's gotta pick up meds
from their mommy.

[whispers]
Shut up, Al.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Yes, sir.

That's Barry Hammers.

That's our Blue-Barry.
Get it?

Blue-Barry.

Here's your coffee, Judge Large.

-No charge, of course.
-Thank you.

And he's the one
who wins first place

in the pie contest every year?

-Him?
-Yeah.

[Bert] He-he's basically

the Blueberry Festival mascot,

a master baker,
and he's blue.

That's because year in,
year out, all he eats--

Now, that's ridiculous.

You could eat every blueberry
on the planet.

-It wouldn't turn you blue.
-You know, I turned orange...

when I was
on that carrot diet.

-It's not the same thing, Bert.
-Tell that the Blue Barry.

Judge Large, almost done

with your complimentary
oil change.

Oh, thanks, Billy.

And, hey, tell the missus
I'd love

to get my backyard weeded.

No, there must be something
wrong with him.

Some condition,
and he's using a--

[Bert] Leave him alone, doc.

Poor old Blue Barry looks
a hell of a lot better now

than when we were
in high school.

Scary Barry.

He was a real fright back then.

Scary Barry?
Why did they call him that?

-Well--
-Hey, Bert, your car's all done.

Excuse me.
Pie business.

Hey, Billy,
how's the bacon coming?

You know, the bottom's
still soggy...

[instrumental music]

Oh, Martin, hi.
I've been looking for you.

I just wanted to apologize
for being so forward

about the pie contest earlier.

I just think that maybe
my ambition got best of--

Why is this contest
so important to you?

Oh, well, um...

[chuckles]
I've always loved to bake.

And in the past, I, I couldn't
really try my best

because I couldn't
outshine Sally,

my future mother-in-law.

Former future mother-in-law.

I-I always had to wallow
in third place

and let her take second
year after year.

But now, the gloves are off.

You know,
I'm not with Mark anymore,

and I've got a brand-new baking
trick up my sleeve, and...

I don't know,
I just feel like

maybe if I could just bust out
of third place,

that maybe I could get everyone
to see me in a new light.

You know how small towns

can put you in a box,
give you a label?

You're the spinster.
You're the idiot.

-You're the grump.
-Pie judge.

Exactly.

And you?
You're the...

-Heartbreaker.
-Hm.

Well...

it does seem like
a colossal waste

of time, energy, and food,

but I suppose
these little contests

do help to distract people

from the dreary realities

of living in a dead-end town.

Hmm.

Well, thank you for that.

Um, but this contest

actually really means
something to me.

You know, especially this year

when, uh, when I'm trying
to prove to myself, actually,

that I can, can be
more than I thought I could.

[pensive music]

Now, listen, Johnny.

I let you off the hook
last week twice

because you were filling
mailboxes with fish heads.

All right? No!

So you're gonna do
this for me, okay?

-Here.
-Dude, this is crazy.

Your name's on the prescription.
The pharmacist is your mom.

Okay, but she's really busy,
and she may not notice. Okay?

Here, come on.
I'll give you my handcuffs.

I'm not gonna do it.

Your eyes look super grody.

Shut up, Johnny! Huh?

Yeah. Your little baby bike!

[Sarah] Sally.

What's supposed to go
right here?

Oh, that's for
my next trophy, of course.

Oh, but you're a judge
this year.

We should not be talking about
the pie contest.

Okay, here.
Let me ring you up.

[beeping]

With the new prescription,

that is $127.90.

What? $127 a month?
What the hell?

Well, it's this
new blood thinner

that Dr. Best puts you on.

It's very pricey.

No, no, no, I'll just stick
to the old one.

I'm not paying that.

Well, you do have
one refill left.

Should I call Dr. Best
to make sure it's okay?

No, no, I'm keeping him

out of my personal health issues
from now on.

He comes to lunch and brings
his stethoscope.

Ooh! Is it cold on your skin?

I bet Dr. Best has
very warm hands.

Sally. He's my nephew.

[Sally] All right.

$21.45 then.

-[Sarah] Okay.
-Oh, hi, honey.

-What brings you in?
-Oh, hey, hey, ma.

Can't really talk right now.

I have this developing
crime situation

down on Lincoln.

Um, I just need to fill
this prescript

real fast.
No biggie. No diggity.

[Mark clears throat]

-Did Louisa do this to you?
-No, mom, stop.

What is it?
Gonorrhea? Syphilis?

The big H? The little H?

No, no, it has nothing do,
nothing like that.

And Louisa
has nothing to do with it.

It's...

It's...

It's chlamydia.

Chlamydia?
Well, that's not so bad.

Everybody's had chlamydia,
sweetheart.

At least it's not the crabs.

Crabs are so much worse.

Looking down and seeing those
little monsters snapping at you.

Who gave this to you?

[Sarah] Was it that Gretchen?

Elaine's friend,
the one with the face?

They all have faces...

Oh, yeah, sounds right.

-She's awful.
-[Mark] No.

I don't know. I don't know!

Honey, relax.

You're a single man now.

Something like this
was bound to happen.

I'm actually proud of you

sowing your wild oats.

And until this antibiotic
kicks in,

a good place to dip your doinker

for a few minutes every night

is a nice cold glass of 7-Up.

Mom, stop!

-Hm.
-Really?

[Sally] Yeah, honey.

Something about the bubbles.

[instrumental music]

[whispering]
It's better. This is...

[door opens]

Ah! You're not supposed
to be here.

I'm still getting ready
for tomorrow.

I'm so sorry. Should I come back
at a better time?

Yeah, actually.
This is a mess.

Al can't be my cameraman
anymore.

He has to run the dunk tank
tomorrow

at the street fair.

What are you doing here?

I'm looking to see if Dr. Reese

ever treated Barry Hammers.

I need to understand
why that man is blue.

Something could actually
be wrong with him.

A whole half day off, and you
can't stop doctoring.

Not gonna find any files
on there for Barry Hammers.

-I'm not?
-Blue Barry?

He was never a patient here.
Like, ever.

Someone actually told me...

Was it Irma?
I think it was Irma.

Was it Irma? I don't know if
it was Irma specifically.

-Irregar--
-Told you what?

Irma says that Blue Barry

had some kind of horrible
medical condition

when he was in high school.

He had to be seen by some
specialist in Bar Harbor.

-A specialist?
-Yeah. Okay, listen, listen.

You're gonna be my cameraman
tomorrow at the festival.

Oh.

I most certainly
will not be doing that.

Al is out. You're the only
option that I have left.

And I'm covering the festival
from 9:00 a.m.

to midnight tomorrow, so please
wear some comfortable shoes.

Not these.

For the last time,
I will not be attending

or participating in
this godforsaken festival.

[instrumental music]

What?

What? What-what is this look?

No, I just...

I would just like to remind you

that there are certain things

that I'm doing.

Certain blood things

that I am doing.

For you.

Things that I may not
want to do,

but that I do anyway.

So, maybe...

you could do something for me

that you don't wanna do.

This is blackmail.

You are blackmailing me.

And remember,

this is the good side
of my face.

[phone ringing]

Doc Martin and Elaine's office.

How can I help you today?

Oh, yes. Okay. Yes.

The doctor is needed
at the Salty Breeze.

Somebody has burned their hand.

And I will see you tomorrow

at the Blueberry Festival

at 9:00 a.m.,
live from Port Wenn.

Have a safe evening.

And goodnight.

He's been baking
around the clock,

not sleeping,
not being careful.

It'll be fine.

But what isn't fine...

is people getting injured
because of a pie contest.

No, you can't wrap it up
too much.

I need my hand all day tomorrow.
I have to bake.

-Do you hear what you're saying?
-I have to bake.

You're having
a nervous breakdown

over a pie contest.

I have to bake.

Greg, honey, this pie contest

is giving you an anxiety attack.

But won't it be worth it
if I win?

No.

All year long, all I hear about

is George's lobster rolls
and George's chowder.

I... People just see me
as the money guy,

some silent partner,

George's less creative
other half,

but I'm more than that.

Can't you just give him
a sedative?

Everyone in this town needs
a sedative.

I can't win the pie contest.

Barry will win.

-Barry always wins.
-Always wins.

But for once, I'd like to
just place second,

third, honorable mention,
tartest filling.

It would prove that
I can make things, too.

That I'm good with my hands.

-Just not this hand.
-I know.

I should be happy for
all of Barry's success.

Irma told me what
a troubled youth he had.

Wait, what do you mean by that?

Just how he rose above
all his medical issues

to become this local legend.

I was a troubled teen, too.

In high school,
the football team locked me

in the janitor's closet

after I highlighted my hair.

Where's my prize?

So you're saying Barry
was sick as a kid?

-Terrible illness?
-It was just acne.

Horrible acne.
Apparently awful.

Disfiguring.

Irma went to the prom
with Scary Barry.

So he had bad skin?

And my mother disowned me.

Maybe I should write that
in berries

across the top of my pie.

Greg, honey. Hey, look at me.

-Look at me.
-Look that way.

I love you. So much.

But this is not worth it.

Year after year,
you whip yourself up

into a lather
over a blueberry!

Oh!

Yes!

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[Elaine] Hi.

You getting this, though?

Are you seeing that?

Ah, okay. Ahem.

Reporting live from Port Wenn's

Annual Blueberry Festival,

I am Elaine Denton.

Let us take this moment
to get the reactions

from the man and wo-man
on the street, shall we?

-This should be fascinating.
-Just seriously.

So it's men and women
on the street?

It's everyone on the street.

[Martin] Mm. You wanna get
a reaction from the pig?

Won't you to ask the pig
a question?

Hello, good sir.

How are you finding
the festival this year?

-It's okay.
-Okay?

So th-that's all
you're feeling?

Uh, okay.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm asking.

-It's just okay?
-Oh, okay.

Okay. Have you ever
actually hit someone

with your rolling pin?

Cobbler, crumble, or crisp,

can anything really compete
with pie?

Hello, ma'am, have you traveled
a great distance

to sample Maine's finest
blueberries

here in Port Wenn?

Elaine, it's me, Irma.

Hey, how many people are
watching my live feed now?

How should I know?

The number is at the top
of the screen.

What are you, like a hundred?

Two.

Al and someone named
Port Wenn-dy.

[Elaine] That's it?

Nobody else in the whole town
is watching my coverage?

It's not the moon landing,
and everyone is here.

Oh, it's a disaster.

How am I ever gonna get any kind
of a national following?

I can't even get my friends
and neighbors to watch me.

Wait. We have another
live viewer.

-It's your mother.
-She's just tuning in now?

No, but she's commenting.
"Is that my blazer?"

-[applause]
-Oh, this is something.

This is something.
This is something.

Doc!

[all cheering]

All right, now, everybody!

One dollar per throw.

All proceeds to benefit

the Jailhouse Black Mold
Removal Fund!

-Oh, Kimberly, um, how are you?
-I got your message.

Oh, right, about
the, um, the notification.

Right. Just wanted to
keep you aware.

So I just have to go there
because...

It's just I have
a dunk tank thing

that I'm kind of doing
right now.

My mother heard the voicemail
you left me.

-She did?
-I'm gonna kill you.

Okay. Okay. You know, we don't
need to, like, hurl...

Just, you know, we can...

Okay, so if we just...

Marilyn? Yvonne? Gretchen?!
Gretchen.

Oh, you guys just got my call.

That's good because,
that's good

because sometimes
it went to voicemail.

I wasn't sure. Okay, ladies.

Let's just remember
that this is a game, huh?

It's all for fun.

[Elaine] A larger
than normal turnout

at the dunk tank this year.

All of the players seem

very motivated.

Your faces are just so angry.

-[Mark gasping]
-[ball thuds]

-Okay!
-Whoa!

That was a real slammer there,
Karen. That was...

-Whoo!
-My name is Carol.

Carol. I meant...
I knew that.

She feels very strongly about

eradicating that jailhouse mold.

[Mark] You, you gotta put
some high heat on that one.

-[ball thuds]
-Whoo! Okay, that was...

Wha!

-Okay! I felt it.
-[ball thuds]

Everything got, like, whooped.
[laughs]

[splashing]

Okay.

[women giggling]

Okay, okay, okay.
Enough, enough, back off!

Ladies, come on!
Come on, enough, enough!

Okay, enough!

Hey.

Is this embarrassing for me?

Yes.

[Bret on PA] Attention!
Attention, everybody!

It's almost time!
The judges have finished

their final tasting round,
and soon we'll begin

the award ceremony
for the Annual Port Wenn's

Blueberry Pie Contest.

Now, somewhere in the crowd

could be this year's winner.

Who will it be?

Come on into Legion Hall
and grab a seat!

Oh, wait, oh, wait.

We're at capacity.

Sorry.

Well, that's not my fault!

Come on, you guys
should have known!

No, no.

You know better than that.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[instrumental music]

-Hey.
-All right.

[indistinct chatter]

-Um, sorry.
-[George] Hm.

Perfect.

Tucked snugly
into a crowded firehouse.

Shh.

Completely shut out every year.

Left behind every year.

I'm trying to watch this.

Oh, of course, of course.
I'm sorry.

Okay, how many people
are watching now?

On the live feed, I mean.

-One.
-Just my mom?

Okay. I guess Al made it
inside then.

Okay. All right, ahem,
all right.

-[clears throat]
-This is so stressful.

Get a hold of yourself.

Louisa, you're cutting off
the circulation in your fingers.

Just another simple person

trying to distract herself from
the dreary reality, I suppose.

I-I didn't mean to imply
that you were simple.

I-I was only...

I-it's just a pie contest.

No, it's more than that.
But you wouldn't understand

because you don't want
to understand.

And you don't want to understand

because you actually
don't give a crap.

I'm number two.

I'm number two.

Good evening.
Good afternoon, mom.

I'm Elaine Denton

recording, reporting live

inside Legion Hall where
judging has just commenced.

Demenced. Has ended.

And basically they've,
they've eaten all the pies

and soon will know the winner.

Live. With me.

Your daughter.
For Blue Witness Eyes.

Eyewitness Blues.

Ladies and gentlemen,
good afternoon.

Uh, we, the judges, have come up
with our final decisions.

Now, as you know,
this is a blind taste test.

And it is my job,
privilege, honor,

to announce that
in third place,

pie 21.

-[gasps]
-[George] What?

-That's me. That's me.
-[applause]

[George] No.
[Greg] That's me.

-No.
-[Greg] That's me.

Wow, big upset.

Greg Garrison has
taken third place.

[applause]

Also, mom, can I keep
the blazer?

-I think it looks good on me.
-[Greg] I did it! I did it!

I made something good!
And I placed!

I knew you could do it,
honey! [kisses]

But I-I-I always win third.
Always.

Does this mean...

[Bert] And in second place,
we chose

pie number seven.

C'est moi.

[Elaine] Well, mom,
you were right.

Sally Milo has taken

second place again this year.

Wait. Wait.

What does this mean?

I couldn't...

Did I? Have I?

Have I taken first?

And thank you.
In first place...

Excuse me.

In first place is pie 13.

What?

[applause]

Oh! Again?

And as always, Barry Hammers
takes first place

in the Annual Port Wenn
Pie Baking Contest.

I didn't even...

I didn't even place?

[pensive music]

[chuckles]

-[thuds]
-[exclaims]

Aunt Sarah!

I'm fine.

No, your heartbeat is weak
and irregular.

How long until the ambulance
gets here?

Ten minutes.
They're all out at the hospital.

-We can take her in my car.
-No, we need the oxygen.

-We can do ten minutes.
-[Sarah] I'm okay.

No. You just need to hold still
and be quiet, okay?

[phone chiming]

Oh, um, clear the street
outside of Legion Hall.

An ambulance is
coming for Sarah,

and everybody think
good thoughts.

-She's gonna be okay.
-Okay.

We're waiting for the ambulance.

-...waiting for the ambulance...
-I don't understand.

She was fine all day,

right up until the last round
of judging.

When did she start feeling ill?

[George] We ate so much.

I think it started

just when we were tasting
the last few pies.

Those pies.

Well, she is on a wide
assortment of medications.

Possible some ingredient
in one of the pies

is interacting badly with...

W-which of those pies
did she eat less?

-Um, um, that one, number seven.
-Oh, that's my pie.

Okay, I need you to tell me
exactly what's in your pie

right now, every ingredient.

Oh, it's, uh, nothing unusual.

Um, lard, lard in the, um,
organic wheat crust.

[Martin] Mm-hmm.

And, uh, sugar,
cornstarch, lemon.

Blueberries, of course.

Oh, do I have to say it?

[all] Yes!

Just a sprinkle of powdered MSG.

[all gasping]

My mother always said it made
the blueberries pop.

And it was nothing.

I was like, no,
barely nothing there.

Monosodium glutamate
would only cause

a slight increase in heartrate.

That's not what's happening
here. It's not the MSG.

But that MSG is a violation
of contest rules.

All organic, all homegrown
ingredients. You cheated.

Sally Milo, I'm afraid
we have to eliminate you

from the competition.

No. No, George, no!

Well, w-who made that pie,
number 14, over there?

That would have been
in fourth place, right?

That's mine.
That's, that's my pie.

[Elaine] Oh, um,
hello, everyone.

Uh, a very surprising
turn of events

here at the pie contest.

Quiet, everyone, everyone!

What pie did Sarah eat
before Sally's?

Uh, that one, pie 13.

Yeah, yeah, that's Blue Barry's
blueberry pie.

I can guarantee you
that the ingredients in my pie

are, as always, 100% organic
and homegrown.

Did you grow your ingredients
yourself?

Yes.

And did you use any fertilizers
or pesticides?

[Barry] How dare you
even ask me that?

Do you even know
what organic means?

Are we gonna really
let this outsider

come into our town
and question me?

Blue Barry,
the Blueberry Festival mascot.

Excuse me,
I was merely asking if...

Then I am merely telling you

that I was guaranteed
my pie's ingredients

were 100% certified organic.

Wait, y-you were guaranteed
by whom?

By me.

I guaranteed me.

You bought that pie, didn't you?

No, no, of course not.

I don't care if that pie came

from your kitchen
or the dumpster

behind the Salty Breeze.

I only care about
my aunt's life.

Now, do you or do you not know

what's in that pie?

I don't know. I bought it.

[all gasping]

Online. But there was nothing
unusual in it.

I-I swear to you, I swear.

[Elaine] I wish I could describe

the feeling
in the room right now.

-It is electric.
-You're B-Blue Barry.

Be-because of all
the blueberries you eat.

Because, year in and year out,
around the clock,

you're baking blueberry pies.

I don't even know how to cook!

-Oh, my gosh.
-[crowd exclaims]

And it's not from blueberries,
Bert.

He's been using colloidal silver
for, what, 40 years?

You saw that dermatologist
when you were a teenager

and he prescribed it
for your chronic acne, right?

But he was only supposed to use
the lotion for two months,

not decades,
and he turned himself blue,

which is a long-term side effect
of overuse.

You have to stop using it.

[Barry] I liked being blue.

It became my identity.

Gave me a place in this town.

I wasn't the freak anymore.

I was a... mascot.

At least I made my pie!

-If I'm out, so's he!
-Oh, my God.

[Elaine] It is moments
like these that remind us

why we are alive
and why we bake pies.

[Martin] And what about you,
Louisa? Wh-what's in yours?

Oh, uh, nothing.

I mean, I mean, nothing
that could hurt her.

But didn't you say you had
a new baking trick

up your sleeve? What was it?

I-I soaked the blueberries
in spinach water

for 24 hours before baking.

I read about it
in an old French cookbook.

It's supposed to keep
the berries sweet,

but I promised I grew
the spinach myself

and I didn't break any rules.
I never break any rules.

Well, fresh blueberries
in cold water

would absorb a massive amount
of calcium

and oxalate from fresh spinach,

and her old blood thinners would
have reacted negatively,

but I switched her to
a new medication, so that--

She didn't take
the new medication

because it was too expensive.

She's still on
the old blood thinner.

I knew
I should have called you.

The ambulance is almost here.

-It's the spinach.
-Oh, no.

She needs a shot of heparin.
She's gonna be okay.

Let's just sit her up.

I'm glad she's gonna be okay,
but I can't.

-Over here. Over here.
-This way, this way...

I just can't believe
that I won the...

-I actually won.
-[applause]

Well, I guess you'll be making
my favorites all month.

Fried chicken, and
mac and cheese, and that--

-Stop talking.
-What?

Gregory Denise Garrison,

did you just tell Bert
that we would,

well, I would make
his favorite meals

if you won the pie contest?

Oh, wait, wait.
It's not over yet, folks.

No, of course not.
I would never.

I mean, I may have mentioned
as a joke

that we would cater
to his tastes for a bit,

and if I were to place
in the contest,

I may have pointed out
which pie was mine.

I don't know.
This contest makes me crazy.

Well, Sarah is on her way
to the hospital.

Doc Martin says
she's going to be fine,

but if I'm not mistaken,

there is one last twist
in the pie judging,

and, yes, here it comes.

Gregory Garrison, you are
summarily disqualified

from the competition
for unscrupulous behavior.

We will talk tonight.

He is out, Greg is gone,

and like a phoenix rising
from the ashes.

[George] Which means
the official and final winner

of this year's
Annual Port Wenn

Blueberry Pie Making Contest
is...

Can you believe what we are
seeing here today?

Louisa Gavin.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

-[all cheering]
-Oh, my God!

Yeah!

Wait, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

We have to get Sarah
to the hospital.

No, no, you stay.
She'll be fine.

You did it.

You deserve this, you won.

Oh, I, uh...

[chuckles]

[cheering]

Oh!

-Stop!
-Stop! [laughs]

-Ah!
-[cheering]

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh!

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

Did I scare you?

Yes.

I don't like the idea

of being in this stupid town
without you.

And if you couldn't afford
the new medication,

you should have told me.

I'm sorry, Martin, I just...

I was so annoyed because...

I thought you were
coming for lunch,

but you didn't.

And I just...

I'm just trying to make up
for lost time.

I just wanna--

You wanna spend more time
with me?

[Sarah] Yeah.

Well...

I may have rejected the role
of pie judge,

but I will accept the role
of your nephew.

And you can be
my weekly lunch date.

Guaranteed.

Twice a week.

Provided you follow lunch

with a brisk walk of
at least 10,000 steps.

-Ten thousand steps?
-Mm-hmm.

-And no more fried cod.
-[knocking on door]

Hello. Would anyone care
for tonight's dessert?

Ice cream.

[instrumental music]

-Nope.
-[door shuts]

Oh.

[theme music]