All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S10E23 - Cows, Prepare to be Tipped (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

♪ Men ♪♪

- You are so pretty.
- Thank you.

- Pretty, pretty, pretty.
- Okay, okay.

Pretty man trying
to drive a car here.

How did you get more drunk
since we left the party?

Oh, well..

...I brought a roadie.

Where did you get that?

My purse.

Your purse.

Oh, no, it spilled!

Do you want some?

No. You-you need
to get rid of that drink.

Fine, Mr. Man.

Oops!

Okay.

I think it's time to get Stacey
home and under the covers.

I think it's time
to get Walden home

and under Stacey.

That's not gonna happen.

- Boo!
- Maybe another time.

Yay!

I think I'm gonna take a little
nap before we get there.

Okay.

[Stacey]
'I'm so hungry.'

You'll be home soon, and then...
whoa, that-that is not food.

♪ Men ♪♪

Are you sure you
don't want to stay

'cause we could have sex?

You've made
that abundantly clear.

Uh, but no, thank you.

And to have sex with me,
you need to be able

to stand on one leg
and touch your nose.

Ooh. Nope.

Ooh! Mojito.

Okay, let's-let's get
you inside safe and sound.

- Hello.
- Hi, Nana.

Look, this is
my new friend Wal..

It's actually
pronounced "Walden."

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha aa aa men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

She's asleep.

Her head's in the toilet,
but she's asleep.

I just, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

I'm not the kind of guy
who brings home a drunk girl.

I mean,
I did bring her home

but not to, you know,
bring her home.

We met at this video
game release party

and we started
drinking and talking.

As it turns out, she was doing
more of the drinking and I was

doing more of the talking.
And here I am, still talkin'.

Hi. I'm Walden Schmidt.

Nice to meet you,
Walden. Linda Pearson.

Thank you for helping
my granddaughter.

You-you do not look
like you're old enough

to have a granddaughter.

The unexpected benefit
of being a slut at 18.

And having a daughter
who followed suit.

And you know, from the looks
of it, Stacey is, uh

going to carry
on the proud family tradition.

Some families hand down recipes.

I appreciate you
being a gentleman.

Sure, you know,
I was-I was

looking at these photos.

They're amazing.
Who took these?

Oh, I did.

- You took all of these?
- Yeah, I'm a photographer.

In fact, this is pretty
much a record

of the last
40 years of my life.

Well, hold on, in this one,
these guys are aiming

their machine guns
at the camera

which means, they're aiming
their machine guns at you.

Yeah, I was on assignment

and uh, I needed a photo

of Nicaraguan Contras
and I guess nobody told their

elite death squad
it was picture day.

That's what I said when
they came over the hill.

But it had a lot more F's in it.

This is, thi-this is a picture

of Warren Beatty
and Jack Nicholson.

Yeah, I-I took some more
photos in the Jacuzzi later

but, uh, I can't display those.

Yeah, and that's, um,
the Berlin Wall coming down

and-and that's Tiananmen Square

and...this is a dachshund
in a hot dog bun.

- You're really talented.
- You're really sweet.

Okay, yeah, I've taken
up enough of your time.

I'm gonna get out
of your way now.

Oh, you're not in my way.

I was just going to make
a cup of tea and smoke a joint.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Uh, you want to join me?

That's my idea
of baking with Grandma.

♪ Men ♪♪

[Jake]
'Dad? Walden?'

Jake?

This is a surprise.

So is this.

What's on your face?

Oh, uh, now that
I'm back in the dating pool

I want to look my best.

Oh. It's not working.

So, what-what
are you doing home?

I got a few days pass, you know,
thought I'd come surprise you

spend some time together.

That's great.
Wait a second.

Are you in trouble? Is somebody
pregnant? Do you need money?

No, no, and always.

Thing is, I'm gonna
be going away for a while.

Damn it, I forgot jail.

Not jail. Japan.

- Japan?
- Yeah.

They needed an extra
cook at the base

over there, so I volunteered.

- Really? Why?
- Why not? I love Benihana.

Oh-oh, my God.
W-when do you leave?

- Two weeks.
- Wait. Two weeks?

So-so this is probably
the last time

I'm gonna see
you for a while.

Yeah, I guess, unless you're
willing to make the drive.

♪ Men ♪♪

So, Nixon stands on
the helicopter steps, right

and he does this,
and I take the picture

and I am so excited
that I don't even notice

Strom Thurmond's
hand is on my ass.

So, what did you do?

I became a lifelong Democrat.

Wow. You've seen
some incredible things.

Oh, well, you can get
into some pretty amazing places

with a camera,
a press pass and no bra.

Okay, I'm gonna
stop wearing a bra.

It's-it's nice to have
someone to talk to.

Stacey thinks Nicaragua is
a gum you chew to stop smoking.

She also thinks Mount Rushmore
is a natural phenomenon.

It's not?

Oh, man. I should
really get going.

Oh, but before you go, you have
to do something for me.

Every person I meet poses
for the same picture.

Oh, I would be honored.

Great. Okay, now,
stand by that wall.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And uh, give
me a great big smile.

Now drop your pants and moon me.

What?

That's the picture
I take of everyone.

Okay, I'm still gonna moon you.

♪ Men ♪♪

So how long is your
tour of duty?

And yes, I know I said "Duty."

Uh, a year, but if I do really
well, it could be longer.

Okay, so a year.

- Hey.
- Hey, Walden.

- What are you doing home?
- Oh, just visiting.

He's being transferred to Japan.

Oh, what? That's amazing!

I mean, I'll miss you,
but what a great opportunity.

It's a beautiful country,
gorgeous women, one step closer

to having this house to myself.

Yeah, the only thing
I'm worried about

is, they still
haven't found Godzilla.

- How-how was the party?
- Oh, it was great.

I-I met this really
hot 22-year-old girl

and spent the whole night
talking to her grandma.

Oh, yeah, "Talking
to her grandma."

I know what that means.

- Do you?
- Are you kidding?

Whenever I wear my uniform out

all the ladies let me
talk to their grandma.

- I'm just gonna talk to you.
- Wait, wait.

So, uh, you-you met
this hot 22-year-old

but you spent the night
talking to her grandmother?

That's like going to the
International House of Pancakes

and ordering a bowl of dust.

Clearly, I
can't talk to either of you.

No. No, seriously. Why?

Well, I'm sick of dating
these goofy, shallow girls

that all have
a tiny dog in their purse.

Alright, tiny
dog in their purse.

I'm missing you less and less.

She's really interesting.

Is she like a
rapping granny or something?

Stop talking!

Well, she's smart and funny

and she's had all
these incredible experiences.

There's just one problem.

What? She can't drive at night?

No.

If I want
to see Linda again

and I got to see Stacey again

and if, if I see her, she's
gonna want to have sex with me.

Could you ask
Walden why that's a problem?

♪ Men ♪♪

This is nice, huh?

Yes, it is.

In a truly weird way.

There's nothing weird about

three people
having dinner together.

It is when
two of them are on a date.

Oh, come on. We want you here.
Isn't that right, Stacey?

Huh? Yeah. Totes.

Well, in that case,
I'm totes glad to be here.

So, are-are you
into photography, too?

Oh, yeah,
I take tons of selfies!

Instagram!
Hmm.

So, how did you
two wind up living together?

Ugh. She's my grandma.

Duh!

Stacey's looking
for a job out here.

She just
graduated from Arizona State.

Oh, wow!

- What was your major?
- Communications.

You know, I've always wondered
what is that exactly?

Well..

...it's kind
of hard to put into words.

I mean, you know,
it's, like, talking and stuff.

- Uh-huh.
- Hundred and twenty grand.

Ooh, hey,
are we gonna have sex tonight?

There's that
communications degree at work.

I hadn't really thought--.

'Cause, if not.

I just got
invited to a killer party.

Well, I-I
wouldn't want to keep you--

Great, my friends are
gonna swing by and pick me up.

Do-do you
want to eat something first?

Oh, God, no. I hate
drinking on a full stomach.

In fact, I'm gonna go
throw up and make a little room.

Pretty sure she's
going to live with me forever.

I got one of those.

♪ Men ♪♪

I think pizza's the thing

I'm gonna miss
the most when I go to Japan.

- Really? Pizza?
- Yeah.

Well, that and sushi.

Okay.

You know
what? This is ridiculous.

I mean, you're-you're
gonna be gone for a year

and we're sitting here watching

Dancing with the Freakin' Stars.

Well, do you want to watch
"Hillbilly Gynecologist?"

No. No, I don't
want to watch anything.

I want to do something.

Hey, hey, what do you say we
go on a father-son road trip?

- Okay. Can we go to Vegas?
- Uh, well, that would be great.

Except you're not old enough
to drink or gamble.

Right. I don't drink.

Oh, uh,
you know what we could do?

We could see beloved
Canadian songbird Celine Dion.

She is to die for.

- Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna
be going away for a while.

If there's anything you
need to tell me, now's the time.

♪ Men ♪♪

Well, thank
you very much for dinner.

You know, I was really impressed
that you ordered in Italian.

Grazie, signora. Molto bene.

It would've been more
impressive if we'd been

in an Italian restaurant.

- I had a great time tonight.
- Oh, I did, too. Yeah.

Whoa!

Look. You are a wonderful
young man, but I have a rule.

I never kiss
anyone who started the night

on a date with my granddaughter.

Rule? This has happened before?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

So, what do you think?

If we take this route

we can be at the Grand Canyon
by sunrise tomorrow.

- Pretty awesome, huh?
- Yeah.

You know what else is awesome?
The Bunny Ranch.

We're not going to a whorehouse,
we're going to the Grand Canyon.

There's a
girl at the Bunny Ranch

they call the Grand Canyon.

Mornin'.

Hey, Walden, we're going
on a father-son trip.

- Do you want to come?
- Jake?

What I want it to be fun.

I can't,
I'm still sorting things out

with Linda and Stacey.

Oh, right. The grandma-
granddaughter thing.

You know,
if you get the mom in there

they'll bronze your Johnson.

I am so glad
you're a cook, not a sniper.

- So, Japan, huh?
- Yeah, the Big Apple.

Have a fun road trip.

I'm gonna miss
this. Give me a hug.

Oh, thanks
for everything, Berta.

You take care
of yourself, Taterhead.

- Are you crying?
- Nah!

Oh, don't worry,
you'll still have my dad.

Now, I'm crying.

♪ Men ♪♪

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi. Um, hm.

Well, this is a little awkward.

Um, Stacey's
actually out on a date.

Oh, no. I'm devastated.

I don't think I should be alone.

Look, I'm very flattered

but I think
we covered this last night.

I brought weed.

Oh, honey, that's not weed.

Come on in.

And stop looking at my ass.

Got it.

♪ Men ♪♪

Isn't this great?
The Harper boys, on the road.

Mothers, lock up your daughters.

Cows, prepare to be tipped.

Since when do you tip?

That's witty banter.
Best thing about a road trip.

Yeah, yeah.
That and joking around.

- Can I tell you something?
- Of course.

Back when you and mom broke
up, I thought it was your fault

and I was kind
of mad at you for a long time.

Oh, Jake, well,
it was very complicated.

You know,
a lot of things got said--

Yeah, well, let me finish.

Then mom married Herb
and then broke up with him

so now I'm thinking
maybe it wasn't all you.

Well, I appreciate that.

But I'm not gonna say
anything bad about your mother.

- But you're hoping I will.
- Oh, absolutely.

♪ Men ♪♪

So, after I dropped out
of college, me and my buddy

developed this
software, and we sold it for

like, a stupid amount of money.

And I lost
half of it in my divorce

so then I developed some more
software and made it all back

and I am really freaking high.

I feel like I've been
talking for over a year.

[sighs]
You kind of have.

So, what do you do now?

A lot of this.

Oh, Walden.
You did your life backwards.

Yeah. You're supposed to spend
your youth ad-adventurizing.

A-and then you go into business.

Wait. You said "adventurizing."

That's not even a word.

It is now.
I just inventorized it.

No, I mean it. I mean it.

You-you need to find
something exciting in your life.

Like what?

Have you ever been chased
by a lion in the Serengeti?

No, but one
time I got in a slap fight

with the guy
who plays Simba at Disneyland.

That counts.

H-have you ever been
at a voodoo ritual in Haiti?

Or-or-or panned
for gold in the Yukon?

Or made out with Buzz Aldrin?

Ooh, do I want to make
out with Buzz Aldrin?

Oh, yeah.

You need to
find that thing in your life

that you're afraid to
do and then you just do it.

- Yeah, maybe you're right.
- Um.

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no.
This is this one's on me.

I'm...I
haven't been with anybody

since my divorce,
and that was three years ago.

Well, how is that possible?
You're a beautiful woman.

No, I was a mess, I-I
was faithful to one man

for over 30 years
and unfortunately

he was only faithful for
six months and not in a row.

Well, he is an
idiot for philanderizing.

What are you doing here, Walden?

You're-you're
handsome and young and rich

and you know,
you can have any woman you want.

That is what I'm doing here.

Oh, you're good.

Like I said, I-I haven't been
with anyone for a long time.

I'll go slow.

You misunderstand.

I don't want to go slow.

I want to hurt you.

♪ Men ♪♪

These are awesome.

They're the last
of the Charlie Harper Estate.

We were supposed to smoke them
when you graduated college.

[laughing]

I'm really
glad we took this trip.

Me, too.

I can't believe
my baby boy is all grown up

and headed off to Japan.

Well, tell him to look me
up, 'cause I'll be there, too.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm gonna worry about
you every day you're over there.

Don't worry about me.
Worry about the Japanese.

- Kidding?
- Huh? What?

Hey, I, uh
I got you a little something.

Whoa. This is a lot of cash.

Did you rob
the 7-11 we stopped at?

More like they robbed me.

Six dollars for a Slim Jim
and a Yoo-hoo? Come on.

No, I've been putting a little
something away here and there.

Wow. Thanks.

Wish there was more.

I'm just
surprised that there's any.

Okay, I-I deserve that.
I-I know I wasn't the best dad.

Are you kidding?

We lived at a beach house

my whole life, rent-free.

And then, even
after Uncle Charlie died

we managed to stay there.

I mean,
who else could have done that?

I did always make sure
you had a roof over your head.

Even if it was someone else's.

Yeah, you did.

And there were a lot of
hot chicks under that roof.

You don't even want to know how
many times I lost my virginity.

No, I..
Yeah, no, I don't.

I guess
what I'm trying to say is

I wouldn't
want anyone else to be my dad.

Aw.

- I wish you hadn't said that.
- Why?

Now I got to give
you the rest of the money.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Oh.
- Okay.

So this was a good idea.

No. This was a great idea.

And that move you did
at the end there. That's Yowza.

You can
thank Buzz Aldrin for that one.

It's even
better in zero gravity.

Hello? Nana?

- 'Whoa!'
- Whoa!

Let me explain.

I'm happy for you.
You should be with an old guy.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

So, what do you think?

I think, if we can find
a way around this big hole

we can make
it to the Grand Canyon.

- I love you, Jake.
- I love you too, dad.

This is majestic.

Yeah. Hey,
you know what else is majestic?

[farts]

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

♪ Oo hoo hoo hoo ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men ♪♪