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1
00:00:03,438 --> 00:00:05,875
♪ Men ♪♪
2
00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:07,355
Hi, future me.
3
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,316
This is 17-year-old you
in your dorm room at MIT.
4
00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:16,233
Yeah, that's right.
5
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,366
I did my own Pop Up Video.
6
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:19,628
How cool is that?
7
00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:24,111
Still is.
8
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:27,027
Hopefully you're watching this
from your implanted brain chip
9
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:30,595
aka the "Tran-Schmidter."
10
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:32,728
Running proprietary software
11
00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:35,078
developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.
12
00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:39,082
Failing that hopefully you've
at least seen a girl naked.
13
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:41,041
Hey, what you watching?
14
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,304
Check this out,
I had all my old videotapes
15
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:44,783
digitized, and I found this.
16
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:48,222
Oh, my God, is that you?
17
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:50,441
You were nothing more
than an awkward
18
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:53,053
pimply-faced,
goofy-looking teenager.
19
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,840
We would've been best friends.
20
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,887
Yeah, I made it
when I was at MIT.
21
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:03,672
It outlines everything
I wanted to accomplish
22
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:05,065
by the time I turned 35.
23
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,544
Oh, I did
a similar thing.
24
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,329
Well, it wasn't
so much a video as, uh
25
00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:10,200
something I wrote
on a cocktail napkin.
26
00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:12,072
"Don't kill yourself.
It'll get better."
27
00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:15,075
I was so naive.
28
00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:19,209
I hope you've accomplished
your first goal
29
00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,907
as previously stated,
of seeing a girl naked.
30
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:24,736
And I'm talking in person.
31
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:27,783
Which I did a short
18 months later.
32
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,089
'Goal number two.'
33
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,699
Create your
own software company
34
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:32,831
that revolutionizes
the industry standard
35
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:36,922
for information transferal
at blinding speeds.
36
00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,402
[dial-up modem bings]
37
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:41,797
Hear that?
38
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,842
56k dial-up.
39
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:45,844
In four hours
I will have downloaded
40
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,064
the entire Spice Girls album.
41
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,467
After building your company
from the ground up
42
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,599
you will sell it for..
43
00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:04,950
...one million dollars.
44
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:08,911
Well, that didn't happen.
45
00:02:08,998 --> 00:02:12,567
I sold it
for one billion dollars.
46
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,787
Yeah, baby!
47
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:19,139
Don't.
48
00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:20,575
Just, just don't.
49
00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:23,882
Number three
50
00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,668
live in a beautiful beach house.
51
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:28,191
Nailed it.
52
00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:30,541
With the love of your life.
53
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:31,803
Nailed it.
54
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,504
Although it is kinda
hard to meet someone
55
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:40,116
when you spend 20 hours a day
in the computer lab.
56
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,038
Phyllis is now Phil.
57
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:51,997
He's a commercial
fisherman in Baton Rouge.
58
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,870
But I'm sure all this hard work
will be worth it someday
59
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:57,264
when you're watching this video
with your beautiful wife
60
00:02:57,351 --> 00:03:01,485
four kids, two dogs
and robot butler
61
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,444
'developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.'
62
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:05,707
Hello, Walden.
63
00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:07,665
Would you like a root beer?
64
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:09,885
Heck, yeah.
65
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:15,804
Where did my life
take such a wrong turn?
66
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,067
What are you talking about?
67
00:03:18,154 --> 00:03:20,025
I don't have any
of those things that matter.
68
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:22,680
No wife, no kids.
69
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,160
All I have is you.
70
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:27,598
Well..
71
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,949
...we could adopt.
72
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,606
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
73
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,782
♪ Ha aa aa ♪♪ Men ♪♪
74
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,138
[Walden on TV]
'Watching this video
with your beautiful wife'
75
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:49,794
'four kids,
two dogs and robot butler'
76
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:51,187
'developed by
Walden Schmidt Enterprises.'
77
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:52,623
Hey.
78
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,669
Oh, hey.
79
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:57,367
- What are you doing up?
- Alan is sleep-sobbing again.
80
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,850
You still
watching this thing?
81
00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:03,199
I'm a failure, Lyndsey.
82
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:05,680
No, you're not, Walden.
83
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,290
Although you looked
like one in college.
84
00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:10,815
Yeah, I kinda did.
85
00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:12,513
I mean, I wouldn't
have slept with you.
86
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,166
and I slept with everybody.
87
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,430
Got it.
88
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,346
I even slept with
the janitor in my dorm.
89
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:20,912
Is this supposed
to cheer me up?
90
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,088
Oh, I'm sorry.
91
00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,133
I'm sorry.
92
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,091
Look, when I was 18
93
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,224
I was convinced
I was gonna marry Axl Rose
94
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,834
and have my own TV show.
95
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:31,358
Well, they don't give
TV shows to people
96
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:32,489
just 'cause
they're good-looking.
97
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,323
You know, Walden,
just 'cause your life
98
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,846
didn't turn out
the way you thought
99
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,587
doesn't mean
it's not a success.
100
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:46,503
I mean, how many people
can say they're a billionaire?
101
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:49,854
One thousand
two hundred and twenty-six.
102
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:51,682
Seriously?
103
00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:54,163
That's a lot more
than I thought.
104
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,599
Do you know 'em all?
105
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:58,689
Well, there's not
a club or anything.
106
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,431
But Buffett does host
a poker game once a month.
107
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:04,173
- Last time, I won Guatemala.
- Wow.
108
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:05,348
And then I lost
at the end
109
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,002
to the woman who
invented Spanx.
110
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:11,093
Money doesn't mean anything
111
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,573
if I don't have anyone
to share it with.
112
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,096
Oh, I get that.
113
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,228
But you're not going
to meet anybody
114
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,362
sitting on your couch
feeling sorry for yourself.
115
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:20,624
Are you?
116
00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:23,975
I guess not.
117
00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:26,021
Damn.
118
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,328
I just don't get
relationships.
119
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,981
Nobody does.
120
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:32,767
They're scary and messy.
121
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,856
And sometimes
you get involved
122
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:37,293
with somebody
you don't really like and..
123
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,992
...one day, you find
yourself peeing on a stick.
124
00:05:41,079 --> 00:05:42,777
And the plus sign shows up
and you have to give up
125
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:44,692
your dreams of being an actress
so you can raise a kid
126
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,129
who can only do math when he's
figuring out the cost of weed.
127
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:52,352
Pep talks really aren't
your strong suit, are they?
128
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:54,876
I'm just saying
129
00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:57,182
things happen,
but you can't give up.
130
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,923
I mean, if I
had stopped looking
131
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:01,752
I never would've found
my amazing, wonderful boyfriend.
132
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,538
Oh, you're
cheatin' on Alan?
133
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,717
♪ Men ♪♪
134
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:11,022
[Alan]
'Hey.'
135
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:12,981
Uh, would you eat
expired pudding?
136
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,861
- No.
- Oh, good.
137
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:25,559
Then I can have it.
138
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,256
Knock yourself out.
139
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,736
What're you doing?
140
00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:31,086
I'm looking for
this card, and I can't..
141
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,175
Ah, there it is.
142
00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:36,439
"Emily's Elite
and Discreet Introductions."
143
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,572
Oh, fancy call girls.
144
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,008
I like it.
145
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,488
No, it's a dating service.
146
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,054
Oh, right. "Dating service."
147
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:45,274
Wink-wink.
148
00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:47,058
You know,
I want to like you
149
00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:48,930
but sometimes
you make it so hard.
150
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:53,935
"Substantial relationships
for substantial people."
151
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,676
Ah, big girls.
152
00:06:57,634 --> 00:07:00,158
Get your smoosh on.
153
00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:02,813
They throw mixers
for single rich people.
154
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,511
I wouldn't think you'd
be into that kinda thing.
155
00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,295
You've always been
a-a fate kinda guy.
156
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,906
Yeah, well, I'm gonna create
my own fate. Lyndsey's right.
157
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:10,647
I'm not gonna find anyone
sitting around here
158
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,083
feelin' sorry for myself.
159
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,998
No, you're not.
160
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,260
Are you?
161
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,221
- What?
- Nothing.
162
00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:20,962
Hey, uh, can I go along?
163
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:23,573
- No, you have Lyndsey.
- I'd be doing it for her.
164
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:27,359
Look, I'll find a rich, 90
year-old woman with a bad ticker
165
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,057
give her the best
three minutes of her life
166
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,537
and then, you know,
send her out with a bang.
167
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:34,889
Then spend
my inheritance on Lyndsey.
168
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:37,282
Or whatever's left
after my grief cruise.
169
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:43,375
Again, you make it
really hard to like you.
170
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,161
- I just want a sugar mama.
- Yeah, you have one.
171
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:47,292
Her name is Walden.
172
00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,209
♪ Men ♪♪
173
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:57,041
Walden, we have
a great mixer tonight.
174
00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:59,696
I hope you're ready to meet
some substantial women.
175
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:02,220
Yep, I'm ready
to get my smoosh on.
176
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:07,225
I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.
177
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:10,054
Don't be. Everyone here
is rich and looking for love.
178
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,403
The only woman
in this room
179
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,841
who wants you for
your money is me.
180
00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:15,538
- Happy mingling.
- Okay.
181
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,723
Hello.
182
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,464
Hello.
183
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,988
- Trust fund or tech?
- Excuse me?
184
00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:32,860
The way you're dressed
means you're either
185
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,166
the beneficiary of a trust fund
or in the tech business.
186
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,428
Unless you're working
here in which case
187
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,256
I need another drink.
188
00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:39,867
Ac-actually, I'm in tech.
189
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,433
I started my own company
when I was--
190
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,479
What do your
Fridays look like?
191
00:08:43,566 --> 00:08:46,700
Uh, a lot like my Thursdays,
just one day later.
192
00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:49,398
A sense of humor.
193
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,008
Some people find
that attractive.
194
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,056
Are you one of them?
195
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,188
I love to laugh.
196
00:08:57,275 --> 00:08:59,451
Now, I've got
Friday evenings
197
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,366
Sunday afternoons
and ski season.
198
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,673
- How does that work for you?
- So..
199
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,936
Don't you wanna
at least know my name?
200
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,155
Really?
201
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,462
We have to do all this?
202
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,595
Alright, I'm Sylvia Miller
and I'm the CEO
203
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,249
of a major
pharmaceutical company.
204
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:16,425
- Wow, very impressive.
- Yes.
205
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,688
Every time you get an erection,
you owe me ten dollars.
206
00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:24,346
See? Sense of humor.
Now, Fridays and Sundays.
207
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,869
I just thought maybe we could
208
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:26,957
spend some time
getting to know each--
209
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:28,306
Nice talking to you.
210
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:32,180
Okay, I'll put her
on the "maybe" pile.
211
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,530
Hi. How you doing?
212
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,488
Oh, hi,
I'm Walden Schmidt.
213
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,708
Nice to meet you.
TC Randall.
214
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,625
You're the TC Randall?
215
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:45,933
Author of, "Throgwarten
Middle School Mysteries?"
216
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,761
I-I've read all your books.
217
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:49,240
Really?
218
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:50,894
Yeah, I..
Who hasn't?
219
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:52,200
Grown men.
220
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:56,465
Their loss. I mean,
you're-you're an amazing author.
221
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,293
- Thank you.
- Oh, you know.
222
00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,251
I do have
one question, though.
223
00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:03,428
In-in book three,
the dragons inexplicably
224
00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,517
lose their ability
to breathe fire when clearly,
225
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,172
in book two, the wizards
gave them that ability.
226
00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:12,437
Was that a setup,
for book four or an oversight?
227
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:15,179
They're children's books.
228
00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:17,051
Well, it says on the cover
229
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:20,837
"they're for wizards, dragon
trainers and kids of all ages."
230
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:22,796
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.
231
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:27,061
Um, the dragons lost
their ability to breathe fire
232
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,628
in the Caverns of Chaos.
233
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,325
Ah, come on
they didn't even go
234
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,501
to the Caverns of Chaos
until they solved
235
00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:34,285
the mystery
of the missing map.
236
00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,070
Alright, you know what?
237
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:39,334
When I wrote those books,
I was addicted to painkillers.
238
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:42,119
They make no sense,
but they make me a ton of money
239
00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:43,991
so cut me some slack.
240
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:49,213
Probably got the painkillers
from the pharmaceutical chick.
241
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:54,610
- So, any luck so far?
- No, not yet.
242
00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:57,178
Oh, well, don't worry.
There are plenty of women here.
243
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,483
Well, how about them?
244
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,355
Um, Sarah's oil money.
245
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,357
Stephanie is a tobacco heiress.
246
00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:05,665
And Amy had sex with a senator
and owns the video.
247
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,451
- Oh, my God.
- I don't care how.
248
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:11,322
I care how much.
249
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:14,935
Uh, no. The woman
in the green dress.
250
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:17,067
I used to be
married to her.
251
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:19,330
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
252
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,463
I-I try to avoid
situations like this.
253
00:11:21,550 --> 00:11:23,857
No. You know what?
It's fine. I'll..
254
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,249
I'll just go
say hello.
255
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,251
Sure. What's the worst
that can happen?
256
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,905
She's already got
half your money.
257
00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:41,265
Bridget?
258
00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:43,224
Walden?
259
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:45,400
What are you doing here?
260
00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,663
Just...drinking a beer
261
00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:52,320
losing faith in humanity,
planning to die alone.
262
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,322
I get it.
These people are awful.
263
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:57,368
The last guy I talked to
offered to give me a boob job.
264
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,980
- A plastic surgeon?
- Unfortunately, no.
265
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:02,939
So, you haven't met
anyone, either?
266
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,812
No. I'm actually thinking
about going next door.
267
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,640
The Goldberg Bar Mitzvah
seems like it's going off.
268
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,425
Mmm. Well, good luck to you.
269
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:12,209
I hope you find
what you're looking for.
270
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,823
So, did I find what
I was looking for?
271
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,042
Oh, yeah.
272
00:12:19,129 --> 00:12:20,565
♪ Men ♪♪
273
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,788
♪ Men ♪♪
274
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,572
- So.
- Yeah.
275
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,751
That happened.
276
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,230
Twice.
277
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:35,102
Three for me.
278
00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:36,799
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.
279
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,235
The third time, I thought
you were screaming
280
00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:39,671
just 'cause
I was on your hair.
281
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,459
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
282
00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:46,417
What does this mean?
283
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,376
It means
we both paid $1000
284
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,552
to meet someone
we already slept with.
285
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,904
Wait, you paid $1000?
286
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:56,688
I paid $2000.
287
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,778
Looks like you got screwed
a lot tonight.
288
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:03,478
The answer is..
289
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:05,480
...I don't know
what it means.
290
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,178
- I just know it feels right.
- It does.
291
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:10,006
Which is odd
because we just did
292
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:12,530
a couple things that
were very, very wrong.
293
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,143
So, how do we make sure
we don't end up
294
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,840
where we were before?
295
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,668
Well, that's..
296
00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:21,409
Everything that happened
before was your fault
297
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:22,671
so it's kind of up to you.
298
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,371
I'm a different person
than I was when we split up.
299
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,721
That's good,
'cause towards the end
300
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,115
I felt more like your mother
than your wife.
301
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:34,596
Oh, you're a much better
kisser than my mom.
302
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:36,772
So are you.
303
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:39,819
The truth is..
304
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,212
...I've grown up
a lot since then.
305
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,345
I don't need anyone
to take care of me now.
306
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:47,043
So I don't have to check under
the bed for monsters anymore?
307
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,524
No, of course not.
Alan does that.
308
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,700
Does Alan do this?
309
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,136
Yes.
310
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,314
Well..
311
00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:59,360
Uh, he does not do that.
312
00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:02,929
♪ Men ♪♪
313
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:05,845
Can't believe you guys
are back together.
314
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,021
Walden and Bridget.
Bridget and Walden.
315
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:09,457
And Alan.
316
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,067
The three musketeers.
317
00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,069
- Or three's a crowd.
- Or three's company.
318
00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:15,463
Or three strikes
and you're out.
319
00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:17,682
Okay, okay. Just play nice.
320
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:20,729
Sorry.
321
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,992
So, uh, Bridget, uh..
322
00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:24,951
...after you and Walden broke up
323
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,388
didn't you immediately
start dating his best friend
324
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:28,998
and business partner, Billy?
325
00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,826
I did, but in
hindsight, I realize
326
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:33,742
it was just a pathetic attempt
to stay close to Walden.
327
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:35,744
You know what that's
like, don't you, Alan?
328
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,835
Alright, that was a good one.
329
00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:43,970
What are you eating?
330
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,886
Oh, it's a bacon,
egg and cheese sandwich
331
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,365
with pancakes as the bread.
332
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,585
I call it a McWalden.
333
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,501
I call it a McBypass.
334
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,503
It has all
the basic food groups
335
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:58,723
protein, dairy...syrup.
336
00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:01,204
If you don't eat properly
337
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,077
your immune system
can't do its job.
338
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:06,427
- I've had more colds this year.
- See?
339
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,429
I'm gonna pour you a glass of
340
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,910
fresh orange juice
to wash that down.
341
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,608
- She's doing it again.
- What?
342
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:14,957
Telling you what to do.
343
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,438
She just cares about me.
344
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,049
- Meow! Whoopish!
- Shut up.
345
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,833
Here you go.
346
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,313
Okay, I think
you're all done with that.
347
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,881
- Actually, I was not--
- Drink your juice.
348
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:29,189
When you're done I want you to
go upstairs and make your bed.
349
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:31,321
- But Berta does it.
- No buts.
350
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:32,757
Okay.
351
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,500
Run!
352
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:42,289
♪ Men ♪♪
353
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:46,336
I'm so...glad that
we found each other again.
354
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,642
Me, too.
355
00:15:50,558 --> 00:15:55,563
- I wanna try something.
- Whatever it is, I am in.
356
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:58,000
- It's pretty extreme.
- Yay!
357
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,700
Are you ready
to have your mind blown?
358
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,572
Among other things.
359
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:12,580
Let's...wait.
360
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:17,759
For what?
361
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:21,241
Let's not have sex tonight.
362
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:22,982
Let's wait.
363
00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:27,987
I'm not sure
that I follow.
364
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,685
Imagine how much deeper
we could connect
365
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:35,385
on an emotional level if we
weren't prisoners of our pelvis.
366
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,518
But I like that prison.
367
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:40,825
I just-I just don't
want to be in solitary.
368
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,566
I'm serious, Walden.
369
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:45,308
I want sex to be more
than just a physical release.
370
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:47,571
I want it
to be a special event.
371
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:50,792
Okay, are we talking
special event like..
372
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,750
...Monday Night Football?
373
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:55,362
Or special event
like Halley's Comet?
374
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,365
I'll let you know.
375
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,020
But in the meantime,
there's other stuff we could do.
376
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,892
Oh, I like other stuff.
377
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:06,634
- What do you have in mind?
- We can cuddle.
378
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,463
Cuddle?
379
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,552
I think it would really
help us connect.
380
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:12,814
Let's try it.
381
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,473
See? Isn't this nice?
382
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,562
Mmm, mmm.
383
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:25,435
This is so much better
than having nasty old sex.
384
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,056
So, how do we know
when we're done?
385
00:17:39,754 --> 00:17:42,148
♪ Men ♪♪
386
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:44,063
There you are, Alan.
387
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,761
Come. Join us, please.
388
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,028
Oh, this can't be good.
389
00:17:56,814 --> 00:18:00,340
So, uh...what's goin' on?
390
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:01,602
Walden.
391
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:11,873
Um...first,
I would like to say
392
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:16,660
that I appreciate
what a great friend you are.
393
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:18,967
Thank you?
394
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:23,450
Uh, which
makes it hard for me..
395
00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:25,582
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
396
00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:29,195
- Bridget feels that--
- Ahem!
397
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:33,286
We feel...
that you living here
398
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:37,725
is no longer beneficial
to the goals of this household.
399
00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:40,771
Buh-bye.
400
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:46,647
Fine, fine.
Let me just say one thing.
401
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,605
Okay, when you guys broke up
the first time
402
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,781
it's because Bridget
thought you were a child.
403
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,132
Turns out she's the one
who keeps you a child
404
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,568
by controlling
everything you do.
405
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,222
Nuh-uh.
406
00:18:56,309 --> 00:18:57,614
Mark my words.
407
00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:59,616
Next, she'll start
withholding sex.
408
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:04,230
You'll be like a dog
begging for a bone.
409
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:05,796
Or a dog with a bone.
410
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:07,581
Either way,
a bone will be involved.
411
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,151
Why is Zippy so upset?
412
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,283
Walden asked him
to move out.
413
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,677
[laughing]
It's about time.
414
00:19:16,764 --> 00:19:18,592
- Hey, Berta?
- Yeah?
415
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,985
Um, why don't
you have a seat?
416
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,465
Ah, crap.
417
00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:27,078
♪ Men ♪♪
418
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:35,391
Hi, sleepyhead.
419
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,698
- Hi.
- Isn't this nice?
420
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:40,004
Just the two of us?
421
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,355
I'm a little groggy.
422
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:43,704
What happened?
423
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:46,576
I have a little
surprise for you.
424
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,448
Oh.
425
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:49,666
What is it?
426
00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,890
My balls?
427
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,500
No, sweetie.
428
00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:59,067
My balls.
429
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:02,549
[screaming]
430
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:13,908
- How'd it go with your ex-wife?
- It was a nightmare.
431
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:15,518
♪ Men ♪♪
432
00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:20,131
♪ Men ♪♪
433
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,569
Uh, hello, future Alan Harper.
434
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:25,528
Uh, it's you from the past.
435
00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:28,705
Uh, outlining my goals
for the next 50 years.
436
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:34,276
Uh, I hope this finds you
still on this comfortable couch
437
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:36,104
in this lovely beach house
438
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:38,411
um, hopefully,
uh, with Walden
439
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:40,413
or whoever moves in after him.
440
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,504
Nailed it.
441
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,899
What?
442
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:52,163
I-I said,
"Nailed it."
443
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:59,649
If you want coffee,
go make coffee!
444
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,132
Buffalo!
445
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:07,962
♪ Men ♪♪
446
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:14,925
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
447
00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:18,233
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
448
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,105
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
449
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:23,238
♪ Ooh hoo hoo ooh ♪
450
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:26,589
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
451
00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:29,766
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
452
00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:31,638
♪ Men ♪♪
31698
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