All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S33E22.The.Innkeepers.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track4_[eng]

-Every once in a while, I get
invited to do a show somewhere

that's sort of --
let's call it out of the way.

And the best way to describe it
is that it's in a town

where they write about
in the state tourist magazine

or something, you know,
South Dakota Travel Monthly,

and, supposedly,
it's this amazing place to go,

but nobody you know
has ever been there.

And the guy hosting the show
will always say,

"And here's the best part.

We got you a room
at the charming,

historic 19th century hotel
on the square."

And the charming
historic 19th century hotel is

not necessarily on the square,
but at least half the time,

it's on the charming,
historic square.

-I know where this is going.

-This is directly relevant,
Darcy,

because tonight's
next movie is "The Innkeepers."

And even if the charming
historic 19th century hotel is

not on the square,

it's surrounded by charming
historic antique stores

and Victorian furniture stores
and quirky coffee houses

with porcelain teacups

and an old ship captain's
compass on the wall

and glass apothecary jars
filled with marbles.

-This is very specific.

-You always need
glass apothecary jars

filled with marbles.

And --
-Do you, though?

-Yes, because they hold
the cute marbles.

And there's some kind of
craft shop

where they sell ugly pottery
and they have a glassblower

who creates odd-shaped
water glasses for cider sipping.

Come on, Darcy,
You know what I'm talking about.

-Do I?

You just seem like you have
an attitude about all of this.

-Yeah, because there's a
horse-drawn carriage out

in front of Ye Olde Tavern
with --

And Ye Olde Tavern has
the exposed wood beams

and the ales created
from buckwheat.

-Buckwheat?

-I don't know what
they're created from.

They don't sell beer.
They sell ales.

-Created from buckwheat.
-Yeah, and sorghum and millet.

-And --
-These are beer ingredients.

-They're only beer ingredients
in the Ye Olde Tavern,

next door to the charming
historic 19th century hotel.

-Is this an actual place
that you're describing?

-This is every place
where they say,

"We got you a room
at the charming

historic 19th century hotel
on the square."

-And so they want you to
appreciate their charming town,

and you hate that, right?

-No, no, Darcy, I love that.

I love hotels with creaky
wood floors and no elevators,

so just taking your luggage
to the room

is an adventure involving
Olympic-level weightlifting

and noises normally heard when
somebody is building a gallows.

-Well, okay then.

-I love hotels
with clawfoot bathtubs

that are ice-cold
almost all the time

because the water pressure is
so low, you can't get them hot.

And if you do manage to get them
hot, you run out of hot water.

So -- Oh, it's great.
-Okay, we get the point.

-I love hotels
that have sinks so small,

you have to balance your razor
on a 2-inch strip of porcelain.

And I love charming
historic hotels

where you can hear
every conversation in the room

to the left of you,
in the room to the right of you,

in the room above you,
in the room below you,

because, apparently,
in the 19th century,

nobody cared about soundproofing
or insulation.

And I love that ceiling fan
that doesn't work.

And I love that TV set from 1975
that has six channels on it.

And I especially love
that breakfast room

where you're seated
with nine people you don't know,

and they're all discussing
the quilting convention!

But at least I don't
have to worry

about the fitness center
closing early,

because there is
no fitness center!

-Okay, so if I ever book you
for a show,

I'll make sure you get a
nice suite at the Red Roof Inn.

-Seriously.

Seriously, that would be
a relief. I'm telling you.

-So, what do you do
when they say,

"We got you a room
at the historic hotel"?

-I stay at the
goddamn historic hotel.

I'm not going to be impolite.

That's why I'm sometimes grumpy,
though.

-Sometimes grumpy.

Doesn't the historical hotel
always have ghosts?

-Yes, it does.
-That makes it cool.

-Yes, that's true.

And thank you for bringing me
back to the topic for tonight.

-You are welcome.

-Yes, the charming historic
19th century hotel

does always have a ghost.

And usually, they got
some kind of brochure

telling you about the ghost
or really telling you about

which reality show they were on.

You know,
"'Ghost Hunters' was here."

They want you to know that

"Our ghost is one of the
most popular reruns on Syfy."

-How many
of those shows are there?

-There are at least
five or six of those ghost --

-Five or six?
Million.

No, there's a lot more
than that.

-There's "Ghost Adventures"
on Discovery.

There's "Paranormal Witness."

I don't know what
all the names of them are,

but it started on Syfy, I think.

-Those shows are
really, really popular.

-And why are they popular?

That's got to be
the most frustrating genre

in the history of television,

because they never
actually find a ghost, do they?

-I feel like they must, right?
-Do they show the ghost?

-I think they show you images
that could be a ghost, I think.

-But isn't there always
something kind of unfinished

at the end of every episode
of those shows?

-Yeah, for sure.

-So it's like watching
a detective mystery

where you know
the detective is going to fail.

-Yeah, something like that.
Yeah.

-Well, the movie we have tonight
is one of the early efforts of

Ti West,
the Pennsylvania filmmaker

who made "House of the Devil,"

which we also had on
"The Last Drive-In"

and was very popular.

It's a slow burn.

-Yes, Darcy,
it was a slow burn,

but it did have that great scene

where Jocelin Donahue
was trying to amuse herself

with a Sony Walkman, and she
dances around the house to

"One Thing Leads to Another"
by The Fixx.

-It does have that scene.

-And when she opens the door
with the blood-soaked towels,

no more Fixx,
no more of The Fixx, because --

-Back to that slow burn.

-True.
Would have been better

if she discovered
a vicious ghost or something --

-Or anything.
-Or a satanist in the closet.

But tonight, we got
a movie made entirely inside

a charming small-town hotel,
and it happens to be the hotel

where the entire cast and crew

was staying during the making
of "House of the Devil."

And it was so haunted that
Ti West

decided to go back there.

It's in Torrington, Connecticut.

Have you ever been
to Torrington, Connecticut?

-I don't think I have.
-See what I mean?

It's always the charming place
and the charming town

that nobody has ever been to.

Anyway, he goes back
to Torrington, Connecticut,

to film the story that
he dreamed up about two friends

who are running the hotel on the
last weekend the hotel is open,

and they're determined to see
if it's true

that there's a ghost
living there.

And the building is
really creepy

because only three
of the rooms are occupied,

and we know something
is going to happen this night.

Because if nothing happens
this night, there is no movie.

-Are you sure
something happens?

-No. But if nothing happens,
it is still the coolest

nothing happens ever, right?

-It's a slow burn.
-Alright.

Let's look at those
"Drive-In Totals"

and get started.
We have...

Which is weird,
because this is the guy

who makes all those
Mia Goth movies, you know?

"Drive-In" Academy Award
nominations for Kelly McGillis

as the actress-turned-psychic,
who swings a mean pendulum

and says, "You mustn't go down
in the basement."

Pat Healy as
the front-desk clerk

who doesn't believe in ghosts,

but runs a ghost website anyway
and says, "I'm not negative.

I'm a realist.
There's a difference."

Sara Paxton as Claire,

the skittish hotel employee
determined to find the ghost,

who says, "I think
this weekend is going to be it.

We're going to get
something good.

I can feel it."

And Ti West,
the writer/director

who can do the slow burn
like nobody's business.

Three stars.
Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

Did you notice, Darcy...

how I used the word "scrying"?

-I did.
And I was very proud of you

for not stopping to explain it.

-Scrying is a form
of divination

where you use an object
like a crystal ball --

or, in this case,
a crystal pendulum --

to look into
the past, present, or future.

-I spoke too soon.

-You need candles,
you need incense...

-Alright, we got it.
Thank you.

-...and a scrying tool.
-Yes.

-See, this bolo --
Anything can be a scrying tool.

This bolo tie could be
a scrying tool.

Concentrate on this bolo,
Darcy.

-How can I not, actually?

-Okay.

And remember --
You're not concentrating.

-Okay, I'm concentrating.

-If you get hit by a truck
tomorrow, remember,

you could
have done some scrying here.

-I'll remember.
Thank you.

-♪ And I love you ♪

♪ Like you need to be loved ♪

-What's up, Claire?

-Hey.

-So, this is it, huh?
Just you and me?

End of days?

-Hmm. Yeah.

Uh, have you talked to Ron
lately?

-Ron is in Barbados,

snorkeling for the ever-elusive
double-backed saddlefish,

and he left
explicit instructions

not to be disturbed.

-Mm.

Yeah, well,
if you owned this place,

you'd be off to Barbados, too.

-Sure I would.

Especially
if I had two saps back at home

waiting to cover for me.

-Oh.
Did you get your camera fixed?

-No. It's totaled.

I have to send it back to
Pana-Suck-Ass.

I have my microphones, though,
so we can make do with

EVP investigations.

-Okay.
-Oh, hey, that reminds me.

I have to show you something.

So, I was trolling around
on some of the paranormal forums

last night and I came across
something pretty interesting.

You're definitely
going to want to see this.

-What is it?

- Hold on.
- Just watch.

Look closely.
I missed it the first time.

It's gonna blow your mind.

It's really heavy.

-Bastard!
Oh, my God!

-So good.

Oh, my God.
Every time.

Oh, my God.

-What room did you take?

-Uh...216.

-Of course.

-Hey, I've been here
since last night.

That's just the way it goes.

225 is taken.

Other than that,
it's pretty much, uh, wide open.

Second floor only, though,
remember.

Third floor is already done.

-Only one guest?
Brutal.

-Eh, it doesn't take a genius
to figure out

why this place is going out
of business.

-Mm...
okay, I'll take Room 214.

-I figured we'd take, uh,
7:00-to-7:00 shifts,

something like that.

-Alright. Sounds good.
I'll be right back down.

-Okay.

-This festive season
of the year, Mr. Scrooge,

it is more than usually
desirable that we should make

some slight provision
for the poor and destitute.

-Okay, if I could
just get you to sign that.

Here's your room key.
Number 224.

You want to head up to the top
of the stairs and take a right

and then another quick right,
sort of like a dogleg.

And then you go about halfway
down the hallway.

It's on your right-hand side.

You can't miss it.

-Thank you.

-♪ 'Cause I got a feeling ♪

-Do you know who that is?

It's Leanne Rease-Jones.
-Okay.

-She was the mom on
"Like Mother, Like Son"?

Dude, she's super-famous.

-Okay. Whatever.

-Man. Leanne Rease-Jones.

I wonder what she's doing here.

-She's guest-speaking
at some convention in Pottstown.

-How do you know that?
-She told me.

-What? Well, what else
did she tell you?

-Nothing.
Why are you acting so weird?

-I'm not.
-Well, here's her autograph.

Just relax.

-Whatever. Why are you being
so grouchy today?

-I'm not.
I'm just stressed.

This site is killing me.

-Let me see it.

Hmm.

Looks good.

-I hate web design.

-That looks really good.

I like the, uh --
the little ghosts.

-It's not the most
professional, but it's not bad.

There's a lot of money
in this right now.

I just have to act fast.

-Looks really good.
I like it.

And, you know,
once we get some proof on there,

it won't even matter
what it looks like.

Hey, so, I was thinking...

it seems like whenever
something really creepy happens,

nobody else is around, right?

Like, every time you've seen
stuff, you were alone.

So I was just thinking

that since the hotel is
practically empty,

we might have a good chance
of making some real contact.

Does that make sense?
-Yeah.

-Yeah. I think
this weekend is gonna be it.

We're gonna get something good.
I can feel it.

-What?
-What?

-What?
-What?

Front desk.

Yes, Miss Rease-Jones.

Oh, sure.
I'll send them right up for you.

You're welcome.

I forgot to stock the towels.

-I'll get 'em.
-Good. Save me the ulcer.

That Gail in 225
is driving me nuts.

I don't want her to see me.

-Ooh, the lady with the --
with the kid?

I know.
What's her deal?

She was giving me
total aggro vibes upstairs.

-She had a huge fight
with her husband

and she's staying here till
Sunday with her son as payback.

She's having a very hard time

and she wants him to realize how
hard his life is without her.

-How do you know all that?
-She told me.

Why do you always seem
so surprised

that I talk to the guests?
-Mm-mm.

-Go on, superfan.
Don't keep the talent waiting.

Oh!

-Miss Rease-Jones,
I have your towels.

M-Miss Rease-Jones?

-Oh, be a lamb
and hand me one of those.

Oh, thank you.

-You're welcome,
Miss Rease-Jones.

-Call me Lee.
-Okay.

-Oh.
What's your name, sweetheart?

-Claire.

-Oh, you're a lifesaver,
Claire.

-Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't, I couldn't.

-Come on. You'll hurt
an old lady's feelings.

-Thanks, Miss --
Uh...Lee.

I'm a really big fan of yours.

"Like Mother,
Like Son"

was one of my
all-time favorite shows,

and you were amazing in it.

And in, uh,
"The Waking of Eleanor"

I love that film.

Yeah, I used to watch
it all the time

when I was growing up
with my mom.

I even used to wear my hair
in, like, little braids

like you did.

And, I mean, they
never looked as good, though.

-Well, thank you.
It's very nice of you to say.

And what do you do, Claire?

-I work at the front desk.

So if there's anything else
that you need, just let me know.

I mean,
this is our last weekend open,

so Luke and I are
the only people on staff today.

Yeah, we're actually sleeping
here instead of going home.

It's pretty crazy.

-I meant in life.

Are you, uh,
an aspiring actress?

Is that what makes you
such an astute fan of my work?

-Me?
No, I-I just work at the hotel.

-Oh.

-But, um, I'm just kind of,
like, you know, in between

stuff.

Okay.

Uh, Claire.

The towels?

-Right.

Of course. Yes.
There you go.

-How'd it go?

You two gonna collaborate
on something?

-She kinda made me feel
like an asshole.

-Well, she's an actress.

-What's that supposed to mean?

What do you know
about actresses, anyway?

-I don't know a lot,
but I do know a little bit

about a lot of things.

-Ugh! Why did you have to be
such a bummer?

And why do you
have to be so negative?

-I'm not negative.
I'm a realist.

There's a difference.

-You're pessimistic.

-Pessimism is just
a higher form of optimism.

If you expect nothing
from people,

then you go through life
being pleasantly surprised.

-Yeah, well,
nobody loves an albatross.

We need some coffee.
You want anything?

-I do not.

-Fine!

-Hey, how's it going?
-Hello.

-What can I get for you?

-Um...uh...

-Tell you what.
You take your time,

and if you have any questions,
just let me know.

-Doesn't a cyclops
always have one eye?

-What do you mean?

Never mind. Um...

I will have a large soy mocha
latte with a pump of caramel.

-Good choice.

So, uh, how are things going
next door?

-Um, fine.

-Can I speak frankly with you?

I mean, I know we
don't know each other that well,

but I see you all the time,
and we're all girls here.

This Sunday,
my boyfriend is taking me

on a picnic to the bay,
and I'm really excited.

I know it's going to be
super-romantic.

And I think that I'm not letting
myself be fully excited

because there's something
in our relationship

that's been bothering me,

which is that we've been
together for almost a year,

and he still has not told me
that he loves me.

And I just need to talk
to somebody about it,

because I don't want to ask
him to tell me.

I mean, he said it on IM.
That's the thing.

He said it on IM, which
my friend says doesn't count.

It's like saying "I love you"
during sex doesn't count.

And so I wonder...

-Where's your coffee?

-They ran out.

-Is that annoying girl
still there?

-Ugh! Yes.

-What a fail blog.

-Epic.

Do you ever think about
when you dropped out of college

and wonder
if you made the right choice?

-Every day.

-Why do people have
such high expectations?

-Everything happens
for a reason, Claire.

Nobody just ends up
at The Yankee Pedlar.

-I guess.

You know what really gets me,
though?

-Hold that thought.

My eyes feel like they've
been doused with Tapatio.

I need to go upstairs.

What?

I'm sorry.
I'm dead.

We can talk about your upcoming
quarter-life crisis tomorrow.

I just need to
tap out right now.

-Fine.
Leave your computer, though.

What? I'm not gonna
hack the system.

I just want to look up
a pair of high-tops.

And it gets really boring

when there's nobody else
at the hotel.

And my book sucks.

-Okay.
Just be careful with it.

-Duh.

-Oh, and if you get
the itch to do any recording,

the recorder is charging
in the back office.

You remember how to use it.

You just plug the microphone
into the, uh...

-I know how to do it.
I get it.

-Geez! Hate to be a ghost
in this hotel tonight.

Good night, Claire.

-Good night, Luke.

Where is your website?

Wow. Don't let me forget
to remind him about this.

Tragedy.

Creepy.

Whoa.

Shit!
How do you work this thing?

-I don't want to scare you, but
I'm standing right behind you.

I'm sorry.

-Fuck! What the fuck?!
-Shit.

-Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ! You scared the
shit out of me! Crap!

-What are you doing over here,
anyway?

-I thought I heard a noise,
dude.

Like what?

-Banging.
Like a banging, man.

Oh!
-Okay, well...

-God!

-...I woke up and
I couldn't get back to sleep,

so we can switch now
if you want.

-Fuck! Okay. God! Aah!

-Sorry.

Aah! Fuck!

-My heart is pounding!

-Remember the genre we made up
for "House of the Devil?

-Mumble-gore.
-Mumble-gore. Right?

Why is there a random scene
of Lena Dunham serving coffee

and talking about her boyfriend
in this movie?

-Mumble-gore.
-Mumble-gore.

-Mumble-gore.

-With no gore.

Just two jump scares so far,
and one of them

was on a laptop screen.

-We can only hope that they're
making us like these two people

so that they can kill
them later.

-Except they're
not very likable people.

-Well, I think they're fine.

-Anyway,
that's Sara Paxton as Claire.

She was a child actress,

and since she lived
in Southern California,

she lived in Woodland Hills,

she was able to get
constant work from the time

she graduated from El Camino
Real High School in 2006.

El Camino Real is where all
the smart kids in the Valley go.

-Is it?
-Most of them.

It was a charter school.

But, anyway, Sara Paxton was
doing the usual guesting on TV

and small movies,
and then she got a part in

"The Last House on the Left"
remake,

and that's
where Ti West noticed her,

and he cast her for this movie.

But she'd been working
since she was 8 years old.

And then the other
main character is Luke,

played by Pat Healy
from Chicago.

He was part
of Steppenwolf Theatre,

the cool theater company
in Chicago,

founded by Gary Sinise
in the '70s.

You know,
people like John Malkovich,

Laurie Metcalf
came out of there.

Thespians work there.

Pat Healy does movies like

"Killers of the Flower Moon" or
"Flowers of the Killer Moon."

I always get them mixed --
"Killers of the Flower Moon,"

that 17-hour movie that
Martin Scorsese

made in Oklahoma.

So --
-So bitter.

-The two perfect actors
for Ti West dialogue.

-Very smooth talkers.
-Exactly.

Snappy patter,
hip culture references.

But I think this first chapter
of the movie

does a good job of setting up
The Yankee Pedlar Hotel,

as it's the end of the line.

It's the least-desirable
minimum-wage job you can have,

and that's the kind of thing
that people bond over.

And one of the things
they talk about is ghosts.

So, back to the movie.
Roll it.

Bad jobs, though -- bad jobs
always bring people together.

Are you still in touch
with anybody

you worked with
when you worked at Blockbuster?

-There's like one person
I could reach out to

if you really need me to.

-Was that your
lowest-paid job?

-Oh, I don't think so, actually.

I had a worse one at
a sock factory,

because at least Blockbuster
gave you extra pay on holidays.

Yeah!

-You worked at a sock factory?
What kind of socks did you make?

-Just, like, really boring,
brown, plain, stupid ones.

I only worked there
for a little bit

and then I said,
"Fuck this shit."

-My job like that
was working for the IRS,

mailing out blank income
tax forms to the post offices.

Do you know how many income-tax
forms there are in this world?

-Way too many.

-If the post office
in Smackover, Arkansas,

needs some new Form 4797
for farmers

because the farmers have
to report their swine earnings

or whatever,
then the postmaster sends

in a form to IRS Central saying,
"We need 15 Form 4797s."

So you're supposed
to walk through this building

that's the size
of a football field

until you find
the rack of 4797s,

and then you get
exactly 15 of them

and you box them up
and you send them to Smackover.

-And that's what you did?

-Yeah, I did that.

-You counted out IRS forms.

-Well, you're supposed
to count them out.

I just went like, you know,
grabbed some, close enough,

stuff them in an envelope.

-And did you bond with
your fellow tax-form workers?

-Not really.

And no Christmas bonus
and no April 15th bonus,

because that's our busy time.

-That sounds really hard.

-My dad would always tell me
jobs like that build character.

-How do you think
that worked for you?

-I think "It builds character"
is something

they say to get teenagers
to do meaningless jobs.

You are actually destroying
brain cells in a job like that.

-Yes.

-Do you know the story
of Madeline O'Malley?

She was the woman
that died here in the hotel.

She hung herself
after her fiancé stood her up

on their wedding day.

The original owners of the hotel
thought it would be bad press

and hurt the business,

so they hid her dead body in
the wood cellar for three days,

before they could smuggle her
out of the loading bay.

When the people of the town
finally figured out

what had happened here,
they were outraged.

So the owners had to close
the hotel down

and were forced to sell it.

Nobody came through
here again until the '60s.

And ever since then,

people have reported seeing
the ghost of Madeline O'Malley

roaming the hallways,
waiting for her lover.

Some say she's even looking
to take up a new one.

-Excuse me.
What are you doing?

-Mommy!
-What's going on?

-She said there's a ghost
in the hotel.

She said it's coming to get me.
-I never said that.

-What is the matter
with you?

He's just a child.

Sweetie, sweetie,
it's okay.

It's not real.
It's just a story.

Okay? Alright?
Come here.

I don't need this.

I have enough going on
in my life.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Okay.

And you? We still need towels.
I am tired of asking.

Don't make me the bad guy
in this.

-Right.

-We're in Room 225.

-Yeah,
I know which room you're in.

I work in the hotel.

-Come on, sweetie.
It's a silly story, right?

-Okay.

-Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Oh, I bought that cheap bread.
I can taste it.

-Never skimp on bread.
You'll always regret it.

So, why do you think
she sticks around here?

-Beats me.
Our rates aren't that cheap.

The Courtyard by Marriott
out on Route 13 is much better.

-No, not her. I mean Madeline.
What do you think she wants?

-I don't know.

I don't spend my time trying
to figure out what women want,

especially dead ones.

-Please.
-Ha.

-Well, when you saw her,
what did she look like?

-Mm...
-Like, was she all dead-looking?

-The thing about
physical encounters is,

you don't really remember
the details.

It's weird,
because you think you would,

but it's like she was
there the one minute

and then gone the next.

It's almost like she was
never even there at all.

I don't know.
It's hard to explain.

You kind of just
had to be there.

-I'm so jealous.

But if I saw her, I
probably would have freaked out.

I can't believe you
never had your camera with you.

-I know.
It kills me.

You down for some
recording tonight?

-Mm.
Definitely.

We've gotta find some proof that
Madeline O'Malley really exists

before this place closes down.

We have to.

I mean, imagine how she feels
being stuck here forever.

We gotta get something on tape.

It's like a moral imperative.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ugh!

Hi, Lee.

Shit.

How'd you get in there, bird?

Luke.

Luke, you are
not going to believe

what just happened to me.

Luke?

-What?
-Uh, never mind.

-I'm a pumpkin.

I gotta kill the snake.
Don't forget to record.

I left the list for you
on the desk.

-Okay.

Enjoy your Internet porn.

This is EVP recording
of the laundry room.

Luke, I'm skipping this one.
There's nothing in here.

This is the EVP recording
of the banquet room.

I'm trying to contact
the spirit of Madeline O'Malley.

Madeline, if you can hear me,
please give us a sign.

Damn it, Luke. You said this
thing would be set up.

-Ooh!
Spooky piano keys.

This movie is really taking
off now.

-Yes.

-Okay,
as I mentioned in the intro,

The Yankee Pedlar
is a real hotel.

It's closed right now,
so don't even try to find it.

But it was built in 1891 by
the Conleys, Frank and Alice.

In fact, it was called
the Conley Hotel,

and Alice Conley
apparently died there,

and most
of the local ghost stories

revolve around it being her
who's the ghost.

But I think Claire's
story about the jilted bride

is a much better story,

so I'm glad they changed
the real story.

Anyway, the Conleys both
died in 1910,

and the hotel passed
to their niece,

who couldn't handle it
and sold it in 1912.

And then it went through
multiple owners

over the next hundred years,

but, eventually,
it went bankrupt in 2014,

just three years
after this movie was made,

and a company bought it
out of bankruptcy court

and vowed to reopen it,
but never did.

And it started to deteriorate,

and the city of Torrington
took it over in 2021

so it wouldn't have to
be demolished.

And they apparently have
a new owner in mind,

but nothing is quite settled.

Apparently,
the interior is gutted, though,

so most of those rooms
don't even exist anymore.

But if you recall,

Dee Wallace has a small part in
"The House of the Devil,"

the movie Ti West was making
when he first saw this hotel,

and Dee Wallace truly
believed the hotel was haunted,

and she did some kind
of readings or psychic stuff

while she was staying there,

using a scrying tool
called a crystal pendulum,

and that is partly
the inspiration for the script.

So the character
of Leanne Rease-Jones

is partly based on Dee Wallace,
and, apparently,

Ti West had a hell of a time
casting this movie,

because his first choice
for the psychic was Bo Derek,

but she turned him down.

And apparently, several other
name actresses turned him down,

and their agents
would get incensed.

They would say,
"How dare you offer

this part of a washed-up
actress to my client?"

But the character is
not really washed up.

She's just known
for a show from the past

and she has moved on
from acting to something else.

Anyway, Kelly McGillis had
no problem taking the part.

She is known for "Witness,"
"Top Gun," "The Accused."

She played Hedda Gabler
on Broadway.

She was like,
"Hell yes, that's a good part."

So, Ti West cast her
on a Zoom call.

He knew he wanted her
when she came to the Zoom,

because she came
to the Zoom smoking a cigarette.

Perfect casting, though,

and she twists the story
in a very interesting way.

And her best work is coming up.

So let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

Oh, and I meant
to ask you before.

There's that scene.

Oh, boy.

There's that scene
where Claire discovers

Luke's laptop search history,

and it has all
these porn sites on it.

I don't know if they're
real porn sites or not.

And one of them is called
"Tit Slap Tub Girl Soup."

What do you think that is?

-Um, sounds like lots of girls

in a tub slapping
each other's titties.

Am I right? Right?

-How about
"XXX Chinese pancakes"?

-Flat-chested Asian chicks?

Maybe?
That's what it sounds like.

I don't know.
-I mean, I'm still --

But "Tit Slap Tub Girl Soup."

I'm wondering about the word
"soup" in that one, though.

Soup?

-There's lots of girls
in the water.

-Okay.
-Soupy.

-If you're gonna slap boobs,
you want a variety, right?

-Exactly.
Different flavors of the soup.

-Okay. Thanks for
that clarification.

-You're welcome.

-Luke! Luke, let me in!
Wake up!

Come on, wake up,
wake up, wake up!

-Hold it, hold it, hold it.

-Luke!

-What the "F"?

Claire, I still have
like two hours left, man!

-Dude,
you have to listen to this.

The piano was playing by itself.
I think it was her.

-Come on.
I'll be down at 7:00.

I'll listen to it then.

-No, no.
I'm scared.

-Okay, come in.

Shit.

-Uh, actually...

I'm okay.

-You sure?

Yeah. I think I just freaked out
for a minute, but I'll --

I'll be fine.

-Okay, well, I'll be down in
a few hours, alright?

-Okay.

Ugh!

-Do you mind keeping it down?

Do I have to ask you again?

-You know what?
Just back off, okay?

You're asking me
what I do the other day?

Well, I just recorded
an unexplainable phenomenon.

There is a ghost in this hotel,
and I got it on tape,

and it's a big deal,
so just leave me alone!

-Come with me for a moment.

Here. sit.

You need a drink.

Cheers.

You alright?

-Mm-hmm.

-Tell me about what you saw.

-I...

-Look...
I'm sorry about yesterday.

I have a tendency not to be
a nice person. I know that.

Please don't take it personally.

I don't apologize more
than once.

Look, I can help you
with what you're looking for.

I just need to know what
it is that you're looking for.

-I'm sorry.
Help me with what?

-Do you know what this is?

It's a pendulum.

It's used to answer

life's more, uh,
difficult questions.

Do you know why I'm here?

-You're speaking at an
acting convention in Pottstown?

-No, I'm not here for acting.

I'm here as a guest
at a healers gathering.

That's what I do now.
It's my true calling.

Claire, everything
in this world is connected.

Whether we understand that

or not depends on our sense
of perception,

our willingness to communicate.

Now, you want to communicate
with the spirits in this hotel,

I can help you do that.

I just need to know what
it is that you want from them.

-I don't know.
If -- If they're real,

the -- the ghosts.

-Spirits.

There is no real in this world,
Claire.

It's all a state of being.

There are no beginnings.
There are no ends.

There are no ghosts.

We're each divine beings

that incorporate one energy
in the universe.

Like, uh, droplets of water
in a vast ocean.

The universe has a plan for each
and every one of us.

Now, I want you to ignore what
your conscious mind tells you

and open yourself up.

Okay?

What is it that you want
from these spirits?

-I want to know
if it was Madeline O'Malley

playing the piano downstairs

and if she really is
the spirit living in this hotel.

-Mnh-mnh.
Ask again.

This time, close your eyes
and really concentrate.

Open yourself up
and really ask it.

Ask it directly.

-Are you the spirit
of Madeline O'Malley?

Did you die in this hotel?

Was that you playing the piano?

-They won't say who they are.

-They?

-There are three of them.

-What do they want?

-Same thing you do.

-What?

-To live.

-But they're not alive.

-There was a terrible tragedy
in this hotel.

Something about the basement,
a-a mistake.

-Oh, it's her.
It's Madeline.

That's where they --
That's where they hid her body.

-You mustn't go down
into the basement.

-Why?
Is that where she's trapped?

Is her spirit trapped in there?

-You can't save her.
They tried to warn her.

They tried to help her.

-Who's "they"?
What do they want?

What happened?

-I lost contact.

-Luke.

No towels.

Aah!

Luke!

-Okay.

That's it.
I've had enough.

We're going back to your dad.

Okay?

-So, the angry mom leaves
the hotel,

and the sharp-eyed viewer
will recognize

that angry mom
as Alison Bartlett,

who did 298 episodes
as the lovable,

nurturing veterinarian
on "Sesame Street."

She also had recurring roles
on "The Sopranos,"

and to show
how far she can stretch,

she was the alcoholic sister
for seven seasons

on the FX series
"Rescue Me."

The lifelong New York stage
actress worked with Gary Sinise,

Mike Nichols, all
the big theater directors.

And speaking of total
pro acting jobs,

Kelly McGillis
really nailed this role

of the retired
actress-turned-psychic.

She even says something about
how being a healer

is what she really is
and she's not an actress.

And it's
an interesting character,

because I've been
around long enough to notice

that there are dozens
of actresses just like this,

and a huge percentage
of cases --

if you're the sexy girl in
the tabloids, dating everybody,

starring in the hot roles,

you will become
a religious mystic of some sort

when you're older.

I've interviewed at least --
Well, at least two of them

I have known personally,

Sally Kirkland
and Shirley MacLaine.

Sally Kirkland is
an actual minister.

But there are so many others.

Shirley MacLaine
is famous for it --

New Age stuff,
Eastern religions.

I think she's even into UFOs.

But they come from
this long tradition

of beautiful women gone
transcendental, metaphysical,

paranormal, whatever.

Greta Garbo
was into mystic stuff.

Marilyn Monroe
was into astrology

and spiritual writings.

Mae West was holding
seances all the time.

She believed in the occult.

Elizabeth Taylor
did Kabbalah.

I don't remember
what Kabbalah is.

Jewish mysticism, I think.

Jayne Mansfield actually
joined the Church of Satan,

Raquel Welch.

Anyway, there's
some connection between being

the hottest girl in the movie

and the one
who gets married seven times

and goes to all
the red-carpet premieres.

There's a connection between
being that woman and then,

in later life,
becoming a minister

of the Seventh Occult Universe
or whatever.

I talked about this last month
when we showed

"Blood and Black Lace,"
and the star was Eva Bartok,

who was considered
the most beautiful,

sexy, desirable woman
in the world.

And then, if you look at
her interviews late in her life,

she explains all her trauma
and marriages

and personal struggles.

She explains it in
the framework of occult beliefs

and esoteric wisdom

and says all that stuff
had to happen to her.

She's the one who was forced
to marry a Nazi officer

when she was 15 years old.

All that stuff had to happen

so she could complete
her spiritual journey.

But this is the first time

I've seen anybody take
that character type

and actually put it on screen.

That was an
extremely complicated speech

that Leanne makes
about the interconnectedness

of the universe,

but Kelly McGillis
just really committed to it,

and that is actually
kind of the crux of the movie.

We need that to get even close
to understanding the ending.

So that's all
I'm going to say about that.

But let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

Sex symbols who become
spiritual gurus.

That happens, right?

-Probably, yes.
-I'm not imagining that.

You think there's
any connection between one thing

and the other thing?

-Maybe when you're
the "hot girl" in Hollywood,

you see a lot of things
that other people don't see.

So it gives you a different
outlook.

-Right. Yeah.
You see good and you see bad.

You get -- You're marketed
as an object of lust.

That gets old.

So you start thinking, "Hmm.
What's going on inside people?"

And so you go --
-Maybe. It's a theory.

-Carole Lombard scheduled
everything by her horoscopes.

-Well, that's kind of mystical.

-Gloria Swanson was trying to
reach "spiritual purification."

-That is very mystical.

-I was doing an award show
in Dallas one time,

and they were honoring the cast
of the TV series "Dallas."

And all the speakers
kept talking about

what a wonderful woman

the late Barbara Bel Geddes
had been,

the actress
who played Miss Ellie.

And this award show
went on and on and on.

It took hours.

And, so, when it was finally
my turn to talk,

I said, "When this show started,

Barbara Bel Geddes
was still alive."

Just a cheap joke, right?

-Oh.
-Okay.

So, Shirley MacLaine was
the next speaker after me,

and she said, "I just want
you to know, Joe Bob,

that I just spoke to Barbara,
and she is just fine."

So put me in my place
in a very New Age way.

-Drink.

Don't worry about Gozer
and her demon seed leaving.

You actually did us a favor.

Claire, you're really
freaking me out.

You gotta pull it together.

You're way out in the weeds
right now.

It happened to me

when I first started messing
around with all this stuff.

You really got to be careful
about what's going on up here.

You start thinking you're seeing
things, and it might never stop.

-Okay, fine.

The dream is one thing,
but what about the piano?

And what about everything
that Lee said?

-I listened to the piano tape.

And I don't know
what to tell you.

Maybe it's explainable.
Maybe it isn't.

But it's not worth
getting yourself worked up over.

None of this stuff is.

As for the kook upstairs...

Look, Claire,

how many times have you
seen someone on late-night TV

hawking their psychic wares
to an audience full of rubes?

Tons, right?

And how many times have you seen
a psychic in the newspaper

solving crimes or healing
someone without medicine

or winning the lottery?

Almost never, right?

That's because
it's all bullshit.

It's hocus-pocus.

That woman upstairs
is just an insecure old actress,

and she's just trying
to stay relevant.

It's pathetic.

-Okay, don't --

don't you want to try and
figure out what's going on here?

I mean, why aren't you
more intrigued by this?

I mean, this could be it.

This could be Madeline trying
to make contact,

and -- and you just
don't even care.

Isn't this supposed
to be your deal?

I...

I swear to God, if that bitch is
back with her kid...

Be cool.

Can I help you, sir?
-Yes.

I'd like a room for the night,
please.

-Okay.
Just one night?

-Yes.
I'd like Room 353, please.

-Oh, I'm sorry, sir. That room's
not available right now.

We only have rooms
available on the second floor,

on account of this
being our last weekend open.

-No, I must have Room 353.

-Yeah --
-Please.

This is very important to me.

I came a long way.

-Sir, um, all the rooms on the
third floor have been stripped.

So if you don't mind
bringing up some sheets

and sleeping in a room
without furniture,

then I think we could
help you out.

-That would be fine.

-Okay, well,
if I could just get a

credit card for the reservation.

-I'll pay cash.

-Okay, but we usually need
a credit card in case

there's any damages.

-Take this, please.

-Okay.

-Let's go get you some sheets.

-Some sheets.

Have a nice day.

-That was very kind of you,
helping me out back there.

-Oh, it's no problem.

I mean, I figure, pretty soon,
this whole place is gonna be

a parking lot anyway.

So if somebody wants a certain
room, who am I to stop them?

It's really no big deal.

Sir?

-Oh. Thank you.

353 is where
I spent my honeymoon.

-Oh.

-This old place holds
some special memories for me.

And it's interesting

to come back to a place
that feels like you never left.

Almost like you're
right at home.

Don't you think?

-I don't know.

Why don't we get you upstairs.

So, like we said, the rooms have
all been cleaned and stripped,

and most of the furniture
and linens are in storage.

But lucky for you, the owner was
too cheap to hire real movers,

so all the beds are still here.

The room might not have
quite the same charm

that you remember,
but at least you

won't be sleeping on the floor.

-That's alright.

I'm just here
for one last bit of nostalgia.

-Okay, well, here we are.

Room 353.

The honeymoon suite.

And, uh, if you change your mind
and decide

that you want to move to a room
with TV, just let us know.

-Uh, that won't be necessary.

This is just what I came for.

Thank you so much.
-Okay, well, have a great stay.

If I'm gonna stay up
all night with you,

you're gonna get drunk with me.

-Cheers.

-How you feeling?

-Better.
-Good.

Keep drinking.
It always helps.

-Hi, Lee.

-Oh, hi.
-How was your seminar?

-Very good, thank you.
How are you two doing?

-Not bad.

-You want a beer?
-Oh, no, thank you.

-Really?
I heard you were a huge drinker.

-Well,
we all have our moments.

-So, Lee, tell me,
how does it all work?

-How does what work?

-You know,
being a psychic and all that.

-Well, uh...

Have you ever been somewhere new
and sworn

that you've been there before?

-Like déjà vu.

-Exactly.

Well, if you've ever experienced
what you call a déjà vu,

then you have the same
God-given ability I have.

In fact, we all do.

It's just that...

well, sometimes my déjà vus
happen in another direction.

I can experience certain
feelings before they happen,

but it's not always clear
when or where they come from,

so I have to be very careful
in what I choose to share.

-Okay.

Well...

I'm really tired,

so I'm going to go upstairs
and go to sleep.

It's been a long day.

-I'll come find you tomorrow
before you leave...Lee.

-Don't let the spirits keep
you up all night.

-Dude,
you didn't need to say that.

That was really mean.

-Oh, whatever.
You said it yourself.

She made you feel
like an asshole.

Besides, everybody needs a taste

of their own medicine
once in a while.

You want another one?

-Yeah.

-Alright. You ready?

-Yeah.

-Okay, this is Claire's
haunted re-enactment.

Take one. Interior,
The Yankee Pedophile.

W-Was that the piano?

What?
Was it playing by itself?

It must be the ghost
of Madeline O'Malley

trying to tell me something.

Show yourself, spirit.

I said, show yourself, spirit!

-Ooh!

Ooooh!

Ooooooh!

Ow!
Oh!

-There she is.
Poor, poor Madeline O'Malley.

You think she's prettier
than me?

-Honestly?
-Yeah.

-She's a little homely
for my taste.

I think you're much prettier,
Claire.

-Thank you.
That's nice of you to say.

-In fact, Claire,

I think you're one
of the prettiest girls I know.

-Who are the others?

-Uh, my mother, my sister, and,

uh, that girl
that works at the Dairy Queen.

-The one with the lazy eye?

-I find laziness
very attractive.

I really like you, Claire.

-I really like you, too.

-No, I mean it.

You're just, like,
the coolest person.

Just -- I just really feel like
we mesh.

You know, I love the fact that
you support me with the website

and I just love the fact
that you take me seriously.

It just means a lot.

You're great.

-Even if I'm going
a little bit crazy?

-You're not going crazy.
You're -- You're great.

I would do anything for you.

-Really?

-Absolutely.
Just...

I like you so much.

-Hey, I have an idea.

-Me too.
What's yours?

-Let's go to the basement

and find out what
that fucking ghost's problem is.

-Okay.

-Well, that was
pretty good drunk acting

and pretty good drunk writing,

where you say
just a little bit too much

while you're
under the influence.

Good rapport, though,
between Claire and Luke.

Sara Paxton and Pat Healy.

And since this was
a low-budget movie,

they had no rehearsal time.

They met for the first time

the night before
the first day of shooting,

and then they worked together
for 17 days straight.

Uh, the producer of the movie,
by the way, was Larry Fessenden,

a past guest here
on "The Last Drive-In."

We showed his debut movie,
"Habit," on this show.

He has run a low-budget studio
called Glass Eye Pix

in New York for many years.

And Ti West was an intern there

and then made his first three or
four movies for Glass Eye Pix.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about

the old man
who checks in to room 353.

First of all, room 353

is the most haunted room
in the Yankee Pedlar.

Ti West didn't know that
at the time he shot the movie.

He just chose it 'cause
it was a little bit bigger

than the other rooms,

therefore it was better
for the camera.

But that's George Riddle
who checks in to 353.

Song-and-dance man,
vaudevillian, comedian.

He was in "The Fantasticks."

He was in "Arthur"
and "True Blood"

and several other movies.

Lived in Greenwich Village
most of his life.

He just died in 2023.

Um, he played one of the inmates
in the mental hospital

on "The Sopranos,"
if you remember that.

But if you really want
to see his acting genius,

go look at his performances
as Joad Cressbeckler,

the crusty old gold prospector
turned presidential candidate

on the "Onion News Network."

That stuff is hysterical.

And I'm sure it was fun
having him around the set

of "The Innkeepers"
for a few days.

Kind of a legendary jokester
and legendary storyteller.

All right.

The book-page title card
has told us

that the chapter we're in
is called "A Final Guest."

So I guess that's George.

Uh, Sarah wants
to go to the basement.

Leanne says, "Whatever you do,
don't go to the basement."

Reminiscent of the 1973 movie
"Don't Look in the Basement,"

the debut film
of Brownie Brownrigg,

who --

Nobody would know
Brownie Brownrigg

unless you grew up in Texas.

But I'm sure
this trip to the basement

will be superior to
Brownie's trip to the basement

because every trip
to the basement

has been better than
the trip to the basement

in "Don't Look to the Basement."

"Don't Look
in
the Basement."

But, anyway,
Ti West seems to be telling us

it's all gonna happen
in the basement.

So...roll the film.

A slow burn leads to fire
in the basement, Darcy.

Fire in the basement!
-Does it...though?

-Ahh. "Don't Look
in the Basement."

That was one we forgot
to mention last month

when we did Don't Night.

Um, I still want to do
a Don't marathon.

We just scratched the surface
last month, you know?

And we'll call it
"Don't Watch The Last Drive-In."

Because when you say "don't"
do something in the title,

all the characters
have to stupidly do it.

So our "Don't Watch
The Last Drive-In" marathon

would feature
"Don't Go in the Woods."

Well, we did
"Don't Go in the Woods."

But "Don't Go in the House."
"Don't Answer the Phone."

"Don't Tell Mom
the Babysitter's Dead."

-Ha! Yes.
-"Don't Open Till Christmas,"

which we already
showed, actually.

-We'll show it again. It's fine.

-There was that trailer
in "Grindhouse"

just called "Don't."

-Yes.

-"Don't Be Afraid of the Dark."

You have any favorite Don't's?

-Uh, "Don't Drink
the Devil's Blood."

-Is that an actual movie?
-Mm-hmm.

-Never heard of that one.
"Don't Look in the Attic."

"Don't Look in the Cellar."

I wonder if every room in
the house has already been used.

I've never heard of a
"Don't Look in the Kitchen."

"Don't Look in the Garage."

-Then I feel like we need
to get busy and make our own.

-You want to star in
"Don't Look in the Kitchen"?

-Sure.

-That's a good omen.

Turn the recorder on.

-What was that?

-I tripped.
-Oh.

-Ah.
-Sorry.

-It's just the light thing.

Just follow me.
-Spiderweb.

-Follow me.

I'm starting to think we
should've brought breadcrumbs.

-Hang on.

I hear something.

It's weird. There was static.

-I heard that, too,
the other night.

-Must be a bad cable.

-No. It's her.

This way.

This is it.

This is where they hid her body.

Hm.

You ready?

We wish to speak
to the spirit

of Madeline O'Malley.

if you are here with us,
give us a sign.

Make a noise if you can hear us.

Why do you stay here,
Madeline?

Why does your spirit never rest?

-Whoa.

-Madeline, give us a sign.

Did you feel that?

Ohh. It's her.

-That was wind.
-No, she's with us right now.

Madeline, speak to us.

We wish you no harm.

Why do you stay here?

Why does your spirit never rest?

-Wait! No!

Madeline, we know that
you're here with us right now.

Speak to us.

I can hear her.

Do you hear the whispering?

Madeline?

Holy shit.

-What?

-She's right behind you.

She's coming closer.

No!

-Luke!

Luke?!

-I gotta get out of here!
-What?!

-I don't wanna be here anymore.
I-I don't like this!

-What are you talking about?!
We just made physical contact!

Why are you freaking out?!

-I just don't wanna be here
anymore! That's it!

-Why? Was it different
than the times you saw her?

-There were no other times!
-What?!

I made it up.

I never saw anything.

I made it all up.

I don't want anything
to do with this anymore.

This is just too fucked up!

I've gotta go.

Luke!

Luke, don't go!
-I'm sorry, Claire.

-You can't leave me here!
-I'm really sorry.

-What am I gonna do now?

-All right, before we go on,
what's with the asthma inhaler?

What are they trying
to tell us about the character

when they have one of
those plastic thingies?

-That they are
emotionally upset.

-Okay. I think you're right.

But you don't have to
have asthma to be

emotionally upset.
-And vulnerable.

-Yeah, I mean, the first time
I remember ever seeing

one of those
was in "The Goonies."

Who's the leader of The Goonies?

-Mikey.
-Mikey.

And then since then, I have seen
multiple inhalers in the movies.

Did we have an epidemic
of asthma after 1985,

like "Nightmare
on Elm Street 4"?

-Ooh, yeah. "Dream Master."

-You always know
the name after the colon.

That's amazing, Darcy.

-Sheila has asthma.

-And uses
that plastic inhaler.

But starting in the '90s,
it's
everywhere.

I mean, either a lot
of people got asthma

or a lot of screenwriters
got lazy.

-I vote for number two
on that one.

-Anyway, as the cowardly
Luke drives off into the sunset,

his rep as a ghost hunter
shattered forever,

we haven't really talked much
about the career of Ti West.

And what I like
about Ti West --

I said this already

when I was hosting
"The House of the Devil,"

is that he did not have
rich parents

who sent him to NYU film school.

He went to the
School of Visual Arts,

and then he interned
for Larry Fessenden.

And he -- But he never stopped
making movies.

He made shorts.
He made TV shows.

He contributes
to anthology films.

He made a Justin Timberlake
music video.

He made a found-footage film,
"The Sacrament."

But his real breakout
didn't come until 2022

when he made the first of
three movies with Mia Goth.

Three slashers --
"X," "Pearl," and "MaXXXine."

Um, if he gets hired for
a big-budget, he does that.

If he doesn't, he makes
a movie like "The Innkeepers."

But he never stops working.

And his first two movies --
I can say this now.

Now that he's a big star,
I can say this.

His first two movies
were not so good.

But he didn't stop.
He kept at it.

"The Innkeepers" is what
I would call a boutique movie.

It's something you do
because you can, you know?

One location, small cast,
crew of friends.

And we're gonna talk about
the most controversial part

of the movie in a minute.
That would be the ending.

But, um, right now let's get
back to Claire's quandary.

She's all alone.

Something is definitely
in the basement.

What does she do?

Roll it.

I think if something's
in the basement

you got to go to the basement,
right?

But anyway...

I would think the
National Asthma Foundation

or whatever group, you know,

would step in at some point
and say,

hey, you guys, stop sticking
asthma inhalers in the movies

as a symbol for weak
or nerdy or, you know --

You can have asthma
and still kick ass.

I mean,
they don't write characters

who are constantly
doing insulin injections.

-Well, maybe they should.

-I think a whole lot more people
have diabetes --

or, as Wilford Brimley says,
diabeetus --

than, um, asthma.

You don't see movie stars
shooting up insulin

in the middle
of an action scene.

-No, you don't.
-You use those inhalers

in the middle of every scene,
you know?

If James Bond is diabetic,
he does it

before the scene starts
or after it's over.

He doesn't do insulin
in the middle of the scene.

-That is an excellent point.

-Let's ask the Mutants.
Why so many inhalers out there?

-I am sure they're gonna
let us know what they think.

Lee.

Lee!

Lee.

Lee! Lee!

-Lee, wake up. I need your help.
Help me. Hey.

Lee!

-What are you doing
in my room?

Get out of here!

-No. No. Please, please, please.

-No, I will not help you.

Please go away.

-Come on!

Why should I help you?

So you can make fun
of me some more?

You know,
I believe in what I do,

and I don't believe
in wasting my time

on lowly hotel employees

and their insulting ignorance.

-Lee, I'm sorry, okay?

I should've defended you
downstairs,

and I made
a really big mistake, okay?

But I have a problem.
I'm scared and I'm alone,

And Madeline
made contact with me

And I don't know
what else to do, okay?!

I don't know what else to do!

Is there any more
vodka over there?

-Let me check.

Yeah, yeah, there's one.

Okay.

Take me to where it happened.

-Wait here.

Lee! Was it Madeline?
Did you see her?!

Lee, what happened?!

-We must get out of this hotel.

You're in grave danger.
You can't stay here any longer.

-What?!
-I have to go get dressed.

Go get your things. Trust me.

Oh, no.

Lee! I forgot something!
I'll meet you in the lobby!

Sir!

Sir?

S-Sir, I'm sorry
if I'm disturbing you,

but there's been
an emergency

and I have to leave the hotel
for a little bit.

Sir, can you hear me in there?

Sir?

Oh! Shit! Luke!
What are you doing here?!

-I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have left you like that.

Please don't be mad at me.
-No, no, no! Listen!

We need to get out
of here right now!
-No, no, no, Claire.

I have to tell you something.
-No! Listen to me! Okay?

Remember the old man upstairs?
-Yeah, yeah, so what?

-He's dead! He killed himself!
He's dead!

-What?
-Yeah. He's dead.

-Did you call the police?
-No, not yet.

And Lee -- Lee said it's not
safe to be here anymore

and that we need to leave right
now, and I saw Madeline!
She's gonna get me!

-Okay, wait, wait,
wait a second!
Hold on, hold on!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come here. Jesus Christ.

Come on. Sit here.

-It's all right.

I -- His --

His face. There was
blood everywhere!

-It's okay.

-Please, please, please,
just get me out of here.

I don't want to be here
anymore. Please.

-All right. Okay.
Come on. Let's go.

-Lee -- she's still upstairs.
-Where is she?

-I don't -- I don't know.
She's getting her things.

-All right. I'll go get her, and
you just stay put for a second.

Are you gonna be all right
down here for a minute?

-Yeah.
-It's fine. It's gonna be okay.

Just hold on.

Woman's voice: Claire.

Claire.

-Lee? is that you?

-Claire.

Lee?

Lee?

Lee?

I don't want to
go back down there.

Are you down there?

Somebody help me!

Please!

Please help me!

Please! Please help me!

Please! Please help!
Help me!

Please! Please! Please!

Please! Please!

No! No!

All right, guys.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

Ah! Jesus.

All right.
Get her out of here.

-I was banging on the door
as hard as I could.

I could hear her screaming.

I was screaming
for her to open up,

but, uh, she wouldn't.

She called my name,

but I wasn't strong enough
to break it down.

-This was at the bottom
of the stairs.

-All right. Listen. I'm gonna
need you to come with us,

answer some questions
about the gentlemen upstairs

and help get in contact
with her family.

Can you do that?

-Yeah, I just
gotta get my stuff.

-Okay. You think
you can tell the actress

to hurry up
while you're in there?

We need her, too.

-Yeah.
-Oh, listen, uh...

Are you sure you gave me
all the names and numbers

of the other guests?

Nobody you might
be forgetting?

-No, I gave you everything.

There was just
that other woman and her kid

and Ron, the owner,

but he doesn't get back
from Barbados till tomorrow.

-All right. Thanks.

-What are you doing in here?

They're looking for you
downstairs. I said I'd find you.

We have to go
to the police station now

to answer some more questions.

Did you hear me?

I said we have to go!

You knew this was
gonna happen, didn't you?

You could've done something.

-No.

There's nothing
anyone could have done.

They're looking
for you downstairs.

-Okay. Creepy ending.

But not entirely satisfying

if you ask the audiences
judging this movie back in 2011.

What do you think, Darcy?

-Oh, boy.

Well, I'm not really
a slow-burn kind of girl,

but it was really well done.

They were all really good in it.
The actors. Whatever.

The set looks amazing. But
it's just not my personal taste.

I know a lot of people
are going to love it.

I'm happy for them,
but I just --

I really want real ghosts.
I want blood.

I want death.
Not the slow-burn shit.

But anyway...it's good.
-All right, what do you --

What do you think happens
at the end of the movie?

-I feel like, honestly,
she just freaked herself out

and died of an asthma attack.

-And so there was no ghost.

-I want to think
the ghost was real.

I really want to. But I don't
think it actually hurt her.

She just freaked out
because it existed.

-And they added
in that old-man ghost, too.

Like, everybody
who dies in that hotel

ends up in the basement
freaking people out.

Because there were
apparently two others.

-Two other ghosts?
-Yeah.

Because when Leanne first made
contact with the other side,

remember that scene?

She said,
"There are three of them."

And then the old man makes four.

So there are four ghosts
rootin' around in the basement.

-Part of the reason
I don't love ghost stories

is that the ghosts very often
don't actually do anything.

They're just there
to, like, look scary.

And if you don't -- if you
don't freak out over them,

then, like, what harm
are they causing?

Just live with them.

-But I think you could
also make an argument

that there aren't --
there aren't any ghosts at all.

We're seeing everything
through her mind.

And she's alone. She's nervous.
She's easily spooked.

She's possibly depressed.
She's seeking approval.

So she wants the ghosts
to be real.

She trips on those darkened
stairs, splatters her skull.

Because whatever the cop saw
under that sheet made him sick.

-Yeah, that makes sense.
So it's open-ended.

-Yep.

-Could go either way.
-Yep.

-I freaking hate that so much.
I'm so sorry. Unh!

-Well, apparently
the audience wasn't
too crazy about it, either,

because the theatrical release
was virtually nothing --

about $78,000 box office
from 20 theaters.

But it might have made
its budget back

in video on demand

and international sales
and all that other stuff.

But the budget was $750,000,
which seems kind of high

for a one-location,
small-cast ghost story.

The ghost was real, actually.

-Well, now you're sure
that the ghost --

-I am sure of it.
-You're sure that
the ghost was real?

-I have come up with proof.
-Okay.

-The hotel is empty
at the end,

but then someone
slams the door of room 353.

-So it has to be Madeline.
-Exactly. Yes.

-All right, Detective Darcy.

Would have been
a better ending --

In my opinion,
would have been a better ending

if Vincent Price
walked out of room 353,

manipulating a giant puppet
of Madeline

on strings and pulleys.

-Well, of course it would.

We could only dream
for that one.

-All right. So that's it
for Haunted House Night.

-Oh, wait. No. No, no, no.
We have Mailbag. Sorry.

-Oh. Okay.

-It's a cute fan letter from

Megan Lamison
of Escondido, California.

-San Diego Safari Park!
Escondido.

Okay.

-That's where the
San Diego Safari Park is.

Everybody goes to San Diego Zoo,

but the real action is in
Escondido at the Safari Park.

-Well, we appreciate
that information.

It's not just
lions and tigers and zebras

and giraffes and elephants,
you know, all the usual stuff.

They have Mongolian
wild horses at that place.

-That is amazing.

-Meerkats. Mongooses.

Or is it mongeese?
Is the plural of mongoose...

-You know, it's where Megan is.

-All right.
-Okay.

-Okay. "Hello!

I've been a huge fan
of 'The Last Drive-In'

and always look forward to
my 'Last Drive-In' movie nights.

-Yay!
-I currently am
nine months pregnant

and have been in the trenches
with insomnia.

The one good thing
about insomnia

is I get a chance to watch
more of 'The Last Drive-In.'

The only issue now is
that as soon as I turn
it on, I fall asleep."

You said this was a fan letter!

-It is.

-She uses our show
as a sleep aid!

-Just keep reading, man.

-"I'm happy to get some sleep

but sad that I keep
missing out on my Joe Bob.

I was trying to figure out
why it keeps happening,

and I realized
that you and Darcy

offer me a lot of comfort
in this time of transition.

-See?
-I'm feeling a lot of emotions

regarding my first baby

and realize you both just feel
like home when I watch you.

Thank you for providing me
with this comfort.

Watching your show
feels like home.

Thank you for all you do.

I'm so happy The Drive-In
will never die.

Happy face.

Megan Lamison,
Escondido, California."

Okay, this is sweet,
but now I feel like

we're responsible
for the welfare of that baby.

This was obviously
written a while back,

so we're going to
check up on Baby Lamison.

And thank you, Megan,
for sharing.

And now that you're
up and around again,

um, speaking of pregnancy,

you should check out
those rhinos

right there in your backyard

because those vets
at the safari park are amazing.

They're gonna create some
northern white rhino babies.

Even though all the northern
white rhino males are dead.

They're extinct.

And the only two
northern white rhino females

who live in Kenya
are not fertile.

But those females do make eggs,

so they're scraping
those baby eggs

out of the female rhinos
in Kenya,

and then they have
all this sperm

that they preserved
from the last two rhino males,

Suni and Sudan, which were
at that San Diego Safari Park,

and they're making embryos
that can be implanted

into southern white rhinos.

So a southern white rhino female

can give birth
to a northern white rhino

because the southern white rhino
is just a surrogate.

You following this, Darcy?

Oh, God, no.

-All right.

The only viable embryos
come from the sperm...

-They keep continuing.

-...of the northern white rhino
named Suni.

-Yes.
-The other one
had bad sperm.

Suni lived at
the San Diego Safari Park

and died in 2014,

so Suni is preserving
his species

from the rhino graveyard.

Is that some awesome sauce
or what?

-That is actually.
I got that part.

-And that's it for me,
Joe Bob Briggs,

and for the mortified
Darcy the Mail Girl

as we remind you...
-Entertained.

-...sometimes you meet
someone new

and you know
from the first moment

that you want to spend
your whole life without them.

Amen.

-But The Drive-In
will never die.

I just found out the company
that manufactures yardsticks

won't be making them any longer.

-Why?

-Oh. Oh, man.

That was stupid of me, actually.

-What did the cannibal choose
as his last meal?

Five Guys.

-That was cute. It was cute.

-People call me self-centered.

-Yes.
-But that's enough about them.

-Ha!
-Was that a joke?

-That was too accurate.

-Okay, okay.
Real joke, real joke.

Um...

Contestant on
"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"

reaches the final question.

Is that show still on?
This is an old joke.

Is that show still on?

-They do charity versions
of it with celebrities.

-Okay.
-So it counts.

-So the contestant has to
answer one last question

to win the million dollars,
but if she gets it wrong,

she's only gonna pocket $32,000.

And she knows it won't be
a pushover question.

But this is the question.

Which of the following
species of birds

does not build its own nest

but instead lays its eggs
in the nests of other birds?

Is it, "A," the condor,
"B," the buzzard,

"C," the cuckoo,
or, "D," the vulture?

So the woman has no idea
what the answer is.

She has used up
two of her lifelines.

The only lifeline left
is Phone-a-Friend.

Well, she don't want
to use Phone-a-Friend

because her friend is Jenny
and Jenny's a blonde.

-You just love
your blonde jokes, man.

-Yes. Yes. So she's desperate.
-Okay.

-She has no alternative.
She calls her blonde friend.

She gives her the four choices.

Jenny responds immediately.

"That's easy.
The answer is, 'C,' the cuckoo."

So the woman has to make
a decision and make it fast.

She considers
a reverse strategy.

Give any answer except the one
given by her blonde friend.

But she would
still have to choose

among three possible answers.

And her blonde friend
had responded

with such confidence
and immediacy

that she felt
she must know something.

So the host says,
"I need an answer."

Contestant crosses her fingers
and says, "'C', the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"That's my final answer."

Host says, "Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!"

Okay, so three days later,
the contestant hosts a party

for her family and friends

to celebrate the victory
and her million dollars.

And she includes, of course, the
blonde friend that she called.

She hugs Jenny and she says,

"I don't know
how to thank you enough.

How did you know
the right answer?"

And Jenny says, "Oh, come on.

Everybody knows
cuckoos don't build nests.

They live in clocks."

-Jesus.

-That was such a long journey.

-I went a long way
for that joke!

-Yes, you did!
-It was a slow burn!

-Perhaps -- Slow burn!
-Slow burn.

-And we do not like
slow burns around here.

-All right.
No payoff. All right.

-♪ We are Drive-In Mutants
-♪ Drive-In Mutants

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

-♪ Other people ♪

-♪ We are sick,
we are disgusting ♪

♪ We believe in,
yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ If life had a vomit meter
-♪ Vomit meter ♪

-♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party
like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke
-♪ Boogie 'til we puke ♪

-♪ The Drive-In will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie 'til we puke
-♪ Boogie 'til we puke ♪

-♪ The Drive-In will never die,
we believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood and breasts and beasts ♪

♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.