All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S33E20.Dont.Go.in.the.Woods.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track4_[eng]

-Okay, I'm not gonna
sugarcoat this, Darcy.

-Do you ever?

-Of all the "Don't" movies
that we could have chosen

for our second feature,
this one...

-Yeah?

Don't even make me say it.

-It's okay.
Many people have said it.

-I'm not a big fan of the "so
bad it's good" movement, and --

-I'm not, either.
So, are you saying this is bad?

-Darcy, I think you know
what I'm about to say, and --

-It's not as bad
as you're about to say it is.

-It's not only the worst
"Don't" movie ever made.

It's one of the top 10
worst of the worst.

-Wow, that is bold.
-But it troubles me

because I just found out
I'm connected to this movie.

-No way. How?
-Yes, and not just because

it's made by Texan and it stars
a Texan that I knew,

but now I find out
that James Bryan, the director,

attended three universities
to prepare himself

to create this masterpiece
of a disaster piece,

and one of those three
universities was my college.

Now, I'm not gonna say
which one,

'cause I don't want to embarrass
the student body.

We didn't have
a film department,

so I don't know what he was
doing there in the first place.

-Wait, Vanderbilt
doesn't have a film department?

-Darcy, shut up!
-Oh, sorry.

But they really don't offer

film studies?
-Maybe they do now.

When I was there,
they didn't consider film

a legitimate form
of communication.

They thought of the Gutenberg
Bible as new media.

But that's neither
here nor there.

He actually studied at UCLA
after that

and made his first film there.

The only reason
we're doing this film tonight...

-Because we couldn't
afford the other "Don't" films?

-Probably. Alright.
-Probably.

-I'm talking about "Don't Go
in the Woods," which --

-Whoo! Yeah!
-Yeah!

-Let's start with the title.

Shouldn't it be
"Don't Go
Into
the Woods"?

"Don't Go in the Woods"
Sounds like

you're thinking about using
the woods as a toilet.

So if somebody says,
"No, don't go in the woods --"

And actually,
the original title --

the original screenplay
had the title of "Sierra"

'cause it was supposed
to take place

in the Sierra Nevada mountains,

but James Bryant changed it

to "Don't Go
in the Woods Alone,"

which is even worse
because now you're saying,

"Okay, fine to use the woods
as a toilet.

Just make sure you go
two at a time."

So, just a few of the phrases
that critics

have used to describe the film
we're about to watch.

"Nonsense bloodbath."
-Whoo!

-"The 'Plan 9 from Outer Space'
of slasher films."

-Whee!
-"Why would Britain

even bother to ban it?"

That's talking about the fact

that it ended up
on the video nasty list.

"The pinnacle
of laughable absurdity."

"A killer who grunts
like a constipated pirate

and sports
a hilarious wardrobe."

"Flat-out garbage."

-Whoo!
-"No plot, not a scrap

of characterization,
no structure, no dynamic.

In fact, nothing to compel

or even mildly interest
the viewer."

-Whoo!
-"The score sounds like

someone banging their head
on a synthesizer."

"Rated X for excrement."

-The people that said that
are not our people.

-So, if you ask people,

"How did you get involved
with 'Don't Go in the Woods'?"

they all say the same name.

"Peter Turner told me about it
and asked me to be in it

and the next day I was
on a plane to Salt Lake City."

Now, Peter Turner --

Peter Turner was an agent
at the William Morris Agency.

He was actually one of the --

He was actually one
of the first fans I ever had.

He read my column every week,

and he attended one
of the very first stand-up shows

I ever did at Wolfgang's
in San Francisco.

That was a rock-'n'-roll club

owned by the concert promoter
Bill Graham.

And Peter was kind of
a strange guy

who had his own little cluttered
kingdom at William Morris.

He had all these file cabinets
with well-thumbed movie scripts

that sometimes went back
20 or 30 years.

And he would pull out
these scripts and he would say,

"Hey, here's one from 1954
that never got made,"

and then he would force you
to read it.

And it was sort of this misfit
agency within an agency.

And half the writers
he represented were dead

or homeless or living abroad

or they had one script
they'd written 10 years ago.

And when you went into his
office there in Beverly Hills,

it was separated
from all the other offices,

and nobody would ever
go in there.

And so you wanted to say,
"So, Peter, does William Morris

know that you work for them?"

So, that was Peter Turner.

And he came to my first real
stand-up show at Wolfgang's

'cause he read my review
of "Don't Go in the Woods."

I just found this out.
-And he must have liked it.

-Well, most of the review
was about my ex, Wanda Bodine,

who at the time was
gold-digging this Houston dude

named Stookie McMahay,

who was district manager
for Magnum Power Tongs.

But it was also
about "Hubcap" Carter,

the legendary Dallas
radio deejay

who plays the sheriff
in the movie.

And it turns out
that Hubcap Carter

and James Bryan,
the director,

had known each other
since they went to first grade

together in Lufkin, Texas,
which is an old sawmill town

in the deep piney woods
of East Texas.

And the bottom line here,

Peter Turner put together
this whole movie,

got the money, got the script,
got the actors.

He found me
because I wrote about it,

and he eventually became
my agent.

But even
after he became my agent,

he never told me or admitted

that he was the packager
behind "Don't Go in the Woods"

because I guess everybody
associated with the movie

was embarrassed by it,

except for James Bryan,
the director,

who said, quote, bad movies
were his preferred genre.

Okay, so, when I first started
reviewing movies

back in the '70s, we had the
first repertory film theaters,

or what they called "art houses"
were sometimes called.

And the repertory film
theaters would occasionally have

cult programs
in which they would advertise

the worst film ever made.

And it was always
the same film --

"Plan 9 from Outer Space."

"Plan 9 from Outer Space"
was shown so many times

that people started complaining,
saying,

"Actually, that's not
the worst film ever made.

There's much more entertaining
worst films ever made.

'Manos: The Hands of Fate'
or 'Troll 2' or 'The Room.'"

In fact, I think
if you took a poll today --

"What's the best
so-bad-it's-good movie?" --

"The Room"
would probably win the poll.

Either that or "Birdemic."

But at one time, "Showgirls"
was considered a candidate

for worst movie ever made.
-That's just crazy.

-And then the tide turned,
and it became

a bona fide cult movie.

I created one myself.

There was this company
called Media Blasters

that asked me to do
the commentary track for a DVD

of a movie called "Samurai Cop,"
a very obscure film

that had kind of fallen off
the face of the Earth.

Within a couple of years, people
were doing midnight screenings

of "Samurai Cop"
with cast reunions.

We created one on this show.
Remember "Demon Wind"?

-I do.
-When we showed "Demon Wind,"

it hadn't been dusted off
for years,

but it, too, became
a midnight movie.

But when this film was released

on November the 20th, 1981,

The Hollywood Reporter
immediately --

immediately deemed it
"the worst movie ever made."

Now, my point is, okay, bad is
in the eye of the beholder

and good is in the eye
of the beholder

and "so bad it's good"
is not really something we do.

We leave that to "Mystery
Science Theater 3000,"

right, Darcy?
-Yeah.

I never actually view films
that way.

If I like it, I like it.

Therefore, there's no
"so bad it's good."

I think it's good.

-Well, Darcy...
-Okay.

-There's a big hairy hippie
in a Viking costume

stringing beads across his face

and slicing open skulls
with a machete

in the mountainous forests of
the Wasatch Mountains of Utah.

-Hell, yeah, there is.

-Why is he doing it?
-He's a maniac.

-And what made him a maniac?
-Who cares?

He's a maniac.

-"Don't Go in the Woods"
is not big on backstories,

but we know from the comments

made later by James Bryan,
the director,

that the maniacal killer
chooses his victims

according
to their fashion sense.

This is not in the movie,
but tourists and bad clothes

get their guts choked out,

and sometimes
he just hangs around campsites

breathing real loud
and waiting for somebody to say,

"I think I'll go see
what the noise is out there."

The movie is basically
80 minutes of a guy

in a buffalo-hide tuxedo
making sausage out of people,

including one guy
in a wheelchair.

And the big paint-the-woods-red
finale is fairly disgusting.

In other words, no plot
to get in the way of the story.

-Whoo! Let's do this!

-So we won't call it
"so bad it's good."

We'll call it so badass,
good people thought it was bad.

And let's get to
the "Drive-In Totals."

-Okay
-We have...

No idea how that could happen.

"Drive-In" Academy Award
nominations for Hubcap Carter

as the chubby sheriff who says,

"What's the story
on this wild man?"

Jack McClelland
as the camper who says,

"You mean there are little
furry perverts running around

doing unnatural things
in the woods?"

James Bryan, the director,

for losing half the footage
in one scene,

including the footage showing
the only person speaking,

but using the scene anyway,

and Peter Turner,
the William Morris agent,

for calling up all his
friends one day and saying,

"Hey, want to be in a movie?"
so that he could sell a script.

Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

Now, this is one
of those movies...

...where every line
from every character

is exactly what they mean.

There's no deception,
no second agenda,

nothing hidden,

no sudden mid-movie
character reveals.

Guy in checked shirt
acting stupid?

Okay. Kill him. Next.

I mean, this is the kind of
movie that makes you long

for the moral complexity
of "Police Academy 5."

-Ooh, "Assignment Miami Beach."

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-That was the first one
with no Steve Guttenberg.

You know, putting
all that pressure on Matt McCoy

to fill that role.

I don't think Matt McCoy
killed the franchise, though.

"Police Academy 7:
Mission to Moscow" --

that's the one that --
that's the one

that deep-sixed the franchise.

-Charlie Schlatter.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
It wasn't his fault, though.

-I don't blame
Charlie Schlatter.

Those Gutenberg-McCoy shoes,

they were clown shoes
by that time.

That was hard to fill those
without lifts.

Wait, what?

-Nothing.
-Okay.

-Schlatter didn't have
the high-jinks gene.

That was his problem.
-I liked him.

He was good.
-No high-jinks gene.

Ugh!

-Huh? Ah.

Huh? Huh?

Ahh!

-Peter! Hey, Peter!

Where have you been?

-Peter, we were worried.

Lookit.

If you're gonna survive
in the wilderness,

you got to remember
three things.

First is, don't panic.

If you're lost
and
scared,

you ain't gonna make it.

Gets dark on you,
figure on spending the night.

-Any Howard Johnsons
will do just fine.

-Uh-huh.
-And you can forget

all that Boy Scout nonsense

about following
rivers downstream.

Get on top of something high.
The undergrowth is too thick.

You got to be able to see.

Go from ridge to ridge,
not river to river.

-What's the third thing,
Colonel Crockett?

-First, don't panic.

Second, go up, not down.

What's the third?

-Actually,
the most important of all.

-Stay at home and forget it?

-Never, never
go in the woods alone.

-Yeah!
Don't go in the woods alone?

Yeah, always bring somebody
along to carry your pack.

-Peter, what you need
is someone to carry you.

Getting lost
the first two hours.

Shame.

-Peter, that could have been
a fatal mistake,

jumping off a log.

There might have been
a snake under there.

You get lost or hurt
in the wilderness alone,

you've had it.
You're dead.

-But that's okay, Craig,
'cause we've got you.

-When you said camping,
I thought you meant

a nice cabin near a lake,

air conditioning
and hot showers,

color TV.

-Do you know
at this very minute

I am missing
"As the World Turns"?

-Oh, come on, you guys.
It's beautiful out here.

-Oh, if you love to go outside,
just roll in the brush

and beat yourself
with thorns and thistles.

-It's beautiful.
-Yeah, yeah.

Listen to the guy who slept
all the way in the car.

-Joannie, dear,
I never get tired from resting.

-When we get to the top
then we rest.

-Something smells strong.

-What a stink!

Ugh, it's really strong
over here.

Ugh! Rancid.

-Decay.

And out of decay...

And be careful of rabies, too.

-How do you tell
the rabid from the un-rabid?

-I mean, any animal
acting contrary to nature.

-You mean there are little
furry perverts running around

doing unnatural things
in these woods?

-Avoid any animal
approaching you in the woods.

-Plenty of bears up here,
aren't there?

-Wolves, too.

-The most feared animal
in the woods is man.

Ingrid, no animal in his right
mind is going to bother us.

Dale! Dale, wait for me!

-I just want to go up here
and get a shot

of the train pulling in.

I'm going ahead.
-Dale!

-Oh, this is gonna be
a great shot!

Come on!
-Dale!

Dale!

Don't leave me alone!

Dale!

Dale!

Dale! Dale!

Dale, where are you?

Dale!
Dale, wait for me, Dale!

Ahh!

-Ah!

Ah, this is where I want
to live.

-Marsh. It says marsh.
Obviously a small lake now.

-Yeah, this is it.
This is really it.

-All the mountain ridges in
the area meet right here.

-Peter!
-Most hikers start here

and then go down to any one
of those five canyons.

-Huh.

Are we near the cabin?

-We could go...
-Ingrid, come here.

-...to the old cabin tonight.
-Look what I found.

-But if we circle around
that way,

there's a terrific trail
some friends of mine found.

-It smells like something died.
-Beautiful country.

-If it all looks like this,
it sounds great.

-We camp out tonight,
end up at the cabin tomorrow.

♪Let me play you a melody ♪

♪In three-part harmony ♪

♪For me and you ♪

♪Only two ♪

♪Won't you sit and stay
for a while? ♪

♪Let me see
your beautiful smile ♪

♪Only thing I think of is you ♪

♪There's been good times
and there's been bad ♪

♪Good times were all we had ♪

-Hey, thanks.
I'll put in a good word for you.

-The sheriff
seen this report yet?

-You know he's busy
and asked not to be disturbed.

-Something's wrong.

There have been four reports
in the same area.

-Bears again.
-Ever handcuff a grizzly?

-If any of my bears
come into town,

then you can arrest them.

Otherwise, the county Mounties
will take care of them.

-For the last time,
the sheriff is busy.

He does not want to
be disturbed.

-Right.

-Stop messing
in county business, Jessie.

The sheriff will take care
of everything

outside the city limits.

We're city. He's county.

-I heard you were busy.

-Another missing-person report?

-Same area, too.

-It's the friggin'
call of the wild.

Some of those people
shouldn't be out there at all.

-Yeah, a day or so ago.

He was a real strange dresser.

Looked like one of those
bird men.

Yeah, I might have figured
he was some kind of professor.

-He's an ornithologist.
-Is that a fact?

Talked just like everybody else.

-Well, if he comes back up
this way again,

tell him
he's been reported missing.

Ask him to give us a call.

Oh, hi!

Hi there. Be careful.

-Okay. Thanks a lot.

-It's gonna be
one of those summers.

Ahh!

-Did I hear everyone say
they wanted to camp here?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Good.

At first,

all they noticed

was a strange, sickening smell.

-Huh?

-Awful.

They knew.

In the wood,
before the night was over,

a painful cry.

In the thick forest,

a low moan.

Sitting around the campfire...

-I heard about this.

-...each one knew that,

before the night was over,

someone...

would be torn apart

by the blood-starved monster.

Ahh!
-Ugh!

Aw.

-Each night,
they came searching.

They knew,
before the night was over...

What's that?

-Huh?

-One by one,
the campers were found

with eyes...

ears ripped out.

-Oh, I think we've heard
enough of that story.

-Ugh.
-Wait.

-Huh?

-Do you smell something...

...strange, sickening...

-God!
-Ugh!

...awful?

-Ugh, God.

-Ooh, Cherry.

-Ooh, Dick, Dick.

Dick, it's just not perfect.

-Aw, baby, baby,
we'll work it out.

Come here, baby.
Come here.

Cherry, Cherry,
you're the most beautiful thing

that ever came into my life.

-Oh, Dick.

-It's -- Dick.

It's just that my head isn't in
the right place, that's all.

-Aw, baby,
don't worry about it.

It's all right.
-Oh, my God!

What is that?
-I don't know, baby.

It's probably just a bear
or something.

-Something's out there.

-Uh, don't --
don't worry about it.

Let me --
Let me take care of it.

Let me take care of it.
I'll take care of it, eh?

-Don't go!

Don't go!
-In the back.

-Dick, don't leave me alone.
-Let me get my gun.

Let me get my gun.
Give me the keys.

Give me the keys.
Give me the keys.

Okay, I'll take care of you.

I said I'd protect you.

I've just been looking
for the chance to prove it.

You got nothing to worry about
when I'm around.

This little baby
does all the talking

when the peeping Toms
come around.

I ain't afraid of nothing
on two feet.

-Be careful, Dick.

Be careful, Dick!
-Hey, it's the peeping Tom

that better be careful out here.

-Dick?

Dick?

-Hey!

Come out of there,
you jerk, you!

Come out of there,
you pencil-neck geek!

Come on!

Hey.

Uh, hey, out there.

Now, I know you're there.

-Dick?

Dick?

Huh?!

-No!

-Okay, so, apparently
the love van was operating

with some unsafe propane
or something

'cause when it topped over,
it also exploded

and caught on fire.

The actor playing Dick...

...was a Las Vegas
blackjack dealer

who went to UCLA film school
with director James Bryan,

and he was willing
to commute six hours each way

to make his appearance.

He was actually
in every James Bryan movie.

So, Darcy, we have campers, we
have random people in the woods,

and we have a maniac.
-What more do you need?

-And that's the complete plot
of "Don't Go in the Woods."

And the sheriff.

-Oh, yeah, Hubcap Carter
plays the sheriff,

and he and his goofy,
pinball-loving deputy

are apparently the only
law enforcement for all of Utah.

Speaking of which, this is yet
another filmed-in-Utah slasher.

We've had several of those.

Turns out James Bryan
is the key to understanding why.

James Bryan's day job --
he was a sound man.

He was the sound-effects guy
on movies like

like "Police Academy 4,"
"The Dark Half,"

"My Cousin Vinny,"
"Mortuary Academy."

But at this particular time
in his life,

he was working as
the post-production supervisor

at Sun Classics.

The legendary Sun Classics is
the Salt Lake City film company

that created Grizzly Adams,
but they were famous for making

what they called
four-wall films.

Four-walling is where you

buy out a theater
for special events,

you rent the space, and you
sell the tickets yourself.

And they did this with
splashy advertising campaigns

for movies like
"In Search of Noah's Ark"

and
"In Search of Historical Jesus"

and "Bigfoot:
The Mysterious Monster"

and "The Bermuda Triangle"

and "Beyond and Back,"

which was one
of those movies chronicling

near-death experiences
where people die

and then they come back to life.

They made $24 million
on that film.

So, anyway, Sun put itself
up for sale in the late '70s,

and James Bryan was soon
to be out of a job,

so he took $12,000
and decided to make this movie.

Now, the way he stretched
$12,000 into a feature film

is that everybody had
to work on deferred salaries.

Nobody got paid
until the movie made money.

And he couldn't
really afford film stock,

so he went to Deluxe Labs

and asked if he could buy
their short ends.

Short ends are pieces
of unexposed 35-millimeter film

left over at the end of
a reel on somebody else's movie.

But the people at Deluxe Labs
told Brian,

"You don't really want
the only ones that we have

because they are so short
that they're unusable.

Actually, we're gonna ship
them to a reclamation center

so we can sell the silver
in the emulsion."

Brian said,
"No, no, no, don't do that.

I want all the short ends
you have,

even if it's only 8 seconds
or 20 seconds or whatever

for each short end."

And so he got his film stock
for 400 bucks.

And he got his script
for virtually nothing

because of his friendship
with Peter Turner,

who had a client named
Garth Eliason

who had a script
called "Sierra."

And Brian said, "Okay, yeah.

'Friday the 13th'
made lots of money.

Let's do our version, and this
script will get us there."

And Peter Turner also
sent him four actors from L.A.

I use "actors" --
He was mostly hired by Turner

calling up his clients
and saying,

"You want to be in a movie?"

regardless of whether
the client was an actor

or a writer or a kabuki dancer,
for that matter.

"Motley" doesn't even begin
to describe this cast.

So, that's how James P. Hayden
got cast as Craig,

the guy
who's setting all the rules

about how to survive
in the woods.

He's not an actor.

He was an advertising executive
in L.A.

He was writing scripts that
Peter Turner was trying to sell.

He would have a long career
with Ogilvy & Mather,

the big ad firm, and this would
be his only acting role ever.

And Craig's big moment,

when he tells the scary story
around the campfire?

You'll notice
you never see Craig.

That's because the Craig
storytelling footage got ruined.

So they did
the whole campfire scene

with just reaction shots of
the people listening to Craig.

Indie filmmaking at its finest.

Back to the movie.

Roll it.

You know, when he tells
that campfire story,

he says there was
a "strange, sickening smell,"

before the campers
were ripped apart in the story.

And then at the end, he says,
"Do you smell something?"

And one of the campers
reacts with a grimace.

I think there was supposed to be
a fart there.

-Ah. I think you're right.

-I mean, James Bryan was a sound
guy, so you wouldn't think

he would completely forget
to put the fart in.

But I tried to find the fart,
and I couldn't.

I replayed it
two or three times.

-I hate when that happens.
-I do, too.

You had a dramatically
justified fart.

I mean, it would not have been
a gratuitous fart.

Like, Billy Barty
in "Blazing Stewardesses,"

those are just gratuitous farts.

The Muck Man in "Spookies,"
gratuitous farts.

There was no real logical
justification for those farts.

-That's debatable.
-Gratuitous farting

in both of those movies,
but here you had a chance

to land a fart, and you blew it.

-I feel like
you're upset about this.

-Will I lead a less than
fulfilling life from now on,

knowing that the fart
is not there?

No.

Will I ask Vinegar Syndrome
to drop a fart in

when they release
the next version

of "Don't Go in the Woods"?
Yes, I will.

You're not fart-averse, are you?

-Oh, my God, never.
-Good.

All right, cut!

-Huh? Are you all right?

Bad dream?

-Are you all right?

-No. It's okay.

-Okay, if you follow
those ridges,

you can't go wrong.
-God, this is what

it must have looked like
a million years ago.

-If they go and discover coal
up here,

they'll come and flatten
this son of a bitch, eh?

-Come on, Joannie.
You'll get left behind.

-Sure.

-Hi, Sheriff.
We're all checked out.

-Looks like a good day for it.

We ready?
-Let's go.

-Bet he's not even down there.

I bet he's not even down there!

Probably changed his mind
at the last minute.

Sitting in a Jacuzzi
in Palm Springs or something.

-Huh.
Sounds like a good idea.

Never been to Palm Springs.

-I'll give him another day
or two to show up.

We might as well head back.
We're just wasting our time.

-Anything you say.
It's your nickel.

-Ah!

Ah!

Ah...

-Last one to the top
is a rotten egg.

Come on, you guys,
we're losing the light.

-I'm gonna wait
for the others.

You go on alone.
-What's the matter?

The old pro slowing down, huh?

Can't keep up with a tenderfoot.

Watch out! They're coming!
-What did you see?

-They're coming!
I just heard them!

Yo, I just heard it...
-Yo!

-...on the trail.

-Hi, Mr. Bigfoot.
Say hello to Mr. Tenderfoot.

-Hope I didn't scare anybody.

-No problem.

No problem...

if Peter brought
an extra pair of shorts.

-Shut up.

-Peter.
-Peter, you better

bring up the rear.

-Ah, yeah.

-Why don't we camp here?

-There's a better spot
just up ahead.

-Hey, just in case of attack,

we should make a circle with our
sleeping bags around Peter.

-Hey, Joannie,
just look out for yourself, huh?

Camp wherever you think best.

I'm setting up my own camp.

-Hey, Peter.

-You want to camp here?
Fine, camp.

I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

-You better stop him, Craig.

I don't think
he should go alone.

-Don't worry.

He'll be back
before it gets dark.

-Huh?
-Where are you going?

Don't leave me alone!
I don't --

Ah!

Ah!

What? Ah!

-I wonder
if something's happened.

-It hasn't.

If he doesn't show up
by 10:00 tomorrow morning,

we'll go get him.

-He's just sulking, you know?

Problems.
Don't worry.

Listen, this valley is so small,
not even Peter could get lost.

-I know nobody's out there.

If they were,
they would get

accidentally killed by this...

dangerous pump shotgun.

Have to be careful
with this hair trigger.

I don't want to go blowing holes
in anything

that moves out there.

I don't know what's out there.

If they were...

If there's anyone out there,

you could get hurt real bad.

-Easy there.

Don't worry about old Peter.

He's probably
just sleeping late.

-So Greg is gonna take me
in the woods

and teach me some survival tips.

We'll be back before 10:00.

I'm gonna wait
in camp for Peter.

-Oh!

Ah! Oh!

-Huh?

-No! No!

-How come
right before every kill,

you hear the sound of a chainsaw
and there's no chainsaw?

There are no chainsaws
in the movie.

Okay, I got sidetracked
at the last break,

and I didn't finish talking
about James Bryan, the director.

He went to three colleges,
but he ended up

at UCLA Film School in 1965,

and then he spent most
of his career

in the ultra low budget world.

His first two movies were
softcore Sex, and well,

they came out in 1970,

so there was no such thing
as hardcore sex.

But he made one called
"The Dirtiest Game" in 1970.

It's about a political candidate

who plunges
into the hippie lifestyle

in order to get the youth vote,

and he ends up in a lot
of wild parties and drug orgies

that turn ugly and violent.

Even Bryan says
the movie grossed

everybody out who saw it.

His next movie was
"Escape to Passion,"

a gangster film with a
"Crisco orgy in it."

What's a Crisco orgy, Darcy?
What's -- What is that?

-I'll explain
that to you later.

Anyway, after that,

he moved away from sexual themes

and into more mainstream
exploitation, action comedy,

while also working as an editor,
production manager,

cinematographer, sound man
on other people's films.

For "Don't Go in the Woods,"
he used actors

from the Salt Lake City
theater scene,

including Tom Drury,
who played the maniac.

Drury and his wife
performed a cabaret act

at Salt Lake City clubs.

But Drury was also a regular
in Salt Lake stage productions.

He played Tevye in
"Fiddler on the Roof"

and Benjamin Franklin in 1776.

He played all the big man roles.

Um, James Bryan would
end up directing about 25 films,

but he was pretty much done
by 1987,

when he finished an ultra
low budget action flick

called "Run Coyote Run."

But in 2016, the Bleeding Skull
website, you met with them?

They unearthed an unfinished
James Bryant project

called "Jungle Trap"
and restored it.

But "Don't Go in the Woods"

remains his most famous film,
believe it or not.

There are people, and this is
hard to believe, Darcy,

There are people who watch
this movie and rewatch it

and have seen it like
a hundred times.

-I mean, it's crazy,
but it's understandable.

-Why is it understandable?
You would do that?

-I mean,
maybe not for this film,

but yeah, I would in general.

Do you have any idea
what our four main campers

are doing in the woods,
where they're going,

what the purpose of the trip is?

-I have no idea.
-Does it matter?

-No, it's fun.

Sort of.
-Back to the movie.

You know, I'll talk about this.

James Bryan worked
at Sun Classics,

and I think the most successful
Sun Classics movie of all time

was "In Search of Noah's Ark."

And if you remember the poster,
it said,

"You will see Noah's Ark."

And so down at
the Baptist church in the '70s,

everyone -- everybody thought
they had absolute final proof

that Noah's Ark had landed
on Mount Ararat in Turkey.

But what it was, was
they had these fuzzy Air Force

reconnaissance photos showing
stuff sticking out

of the mountains of Turkey.

But when you went there on foot,
it was just rock formations.

-Hmm.
Well, that's disappointing.

-Well, you can't release
a picture called

"In Search of Noah's Ark"

and then not find Noah's Ark,
right?

So they had all these
eyewitness accounts, you know,

Russian pilots saying
they saw wood poking out

of glaciers and stuff.

And then they were masters
of that stuff

that they do on crime shows,
actors dressed up

in biblical costumes,
building the ark,

loading the animals,
surviving the flood, you know?

So they mix
in the scientific stuff

with the day players
re-enacting the biblical story.

And by the time
you leave the theater,

you're going, "Yeah, I guess
they proved it," you know?

Wait, what did I see?
Which part? Where was it?

But, you know,
you're just kind of confused.

But I would just bet
that Mount Ararat in

"In Search of Noah's Ark"

was actually the same mountain
used in "Don't Go in the Woods."

But people thought they
did actually see the real Ark,

and I call that entertainment.

What do you call it?

-Kayfabe.
-Yes, yes,

it is a very effective kayfabe.

You had an entire
Sunday school classes hitting

those theaters
with their parents

and with their grandparents.

It was educational.

It was spiritual,
it was Christian.

It was Jewish. It was scary.
It was a disaster film.

It was an adventure story.

Everybody who went to it
thought they saw the Ark.

-But they didn't, right.

-No piece of the ark
has ever been found.

That's how good
Sun Classics was.

-Okay, then all you have to do

is pull the string
and bam,

-Alight, put
this trail mix underneath it.

Alright?
-Okay.

Be careful with the string

-Put a little more underneath.

I'm sorry. Let me see it.

-Son of a bitch!
Hey, hey!

-I'm so sorry!
-Hey, come here!

-If I get my hands on you...

-I think we better
start looking.

-Well, Joannie's taking a nap.

-Well, I'm afraid, Peter.

Well, let's go look anyway.

-I'll wake up Joannie myself.

I got a score to settle.

Now I've got you, bitch!
-Let me out!

Let me out!
-Let's hear you say uncle.

Say uncle.
Say it, bag of bitch.

Say it.
Say it, bag of bitch.

Say it, say uncle.
-You can wait a million years.

Fool!

-Craig, are you still there?

Answer me! Answer me!

I'm really pissed.

-Are you ready to say uncle?
-My ass?

-If that's the way
you want to play it.

I'll see you later.

-Craig.

Craig, where are you?

Craig.

Craig?

Craig, there's someone here.

I'm not kidding!

Craig.

There's someone here.

-This is serious.

I'm not kidding

-The monster is here.

He's going to get you.

Ah!

-He's going to get you.
You can't escape.

No! No, no!

-Joannie!

Craig?

Oh!

Oh...

Oh!

Oh.

-Has he been here?

-Oh. Oh...
-Has he been here?

-I thought you'd never come.
I thought you'd never come.

-A cabin.
Oh, good.

Now we can get some help.
-I can't believe my eyes.

It's over.
-Hello! Hello!

Hello! Hello!

-I don't like this.

Peter. Peter!
I don't like it.

-If anyone was in there, they
would have already heard us.

-Wait for me.

This place,
he's in there.

-He would have
already heard us.

We need food if we're gonna
make it out of here.

If it's his food,
I'll still take it.

Shh!

Shh.

There's got to be
something here we can use.

-He's here. I don't like this.
-Look for food, anything.

We can't stay here long.

-Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

-Craig!

-No, no, no, no!

No!

-We can't do anything
for Craig now!

-Craig.

-Ingrid,
let's get out of here.

We've gotta keep moving.
Gotta keep --

-Stop!
Listen.

-He's coming.
-Quick, this way!

Hide.

-Oh, no! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
-Peter?

Peter!

-Ingrid, he's after you!

-Ah!
Oww...

-Ingrid, run!

Run!

Okay, so, Craig...

...the one who gave out
all the warnings about

how to stay safe
in the opening scenes,

Craig is the first to
get eviscerated by the killer.

That's James P. Hayden
in his only acting role.

He would go on to become,
among other things,

the creative director
for Dollywood.

-Ooh, that would be a fun job.
-Indeed.

So James Bryan's
idea for the maniac

was that he should look like
a Siberian shaman.

-Okay.
-apparently Siberian shamans

cover themselves
to look like birds.

How close did he come, Darcy?

-Well, I've never seen
a Siberian shaman,

so I'm not really sure.

-Nor have I.

But I have to assume
they use a lot of fur.

You know what I would call
this movie?

Goofy?

That's the word.
Goofy killer, goofy campers,

goofy kills.

-I will accept that for sure.

This came out in the middle
of the slasher boom,

and when all you needed
was a forest and a machete.

It's trashy,
but it's trying to be trashy.

-You like it?

-I like it.
It's not terrible.

-The blood is red
dye number two food coloring

and Kraft barbecue sauce.

And James Bryan always specified

that it was the
non chunky kind.

He says we didn't use the chunky
kind of Kraft barbecue sauce,

which is sort of information

that makes you wonder
about James's priorities.

I mean, he's literally
having conversations

with his makeup department.

Like, "Now, the last time
you went to Piggly Wiggly,

you got the chunky sauce.

And we can't use that
because it makes the wound

look like it has tissue in it."

-Piggly wiggly.
Nice.

But special effects people
really do have those combos.

-Well, what do you think
of their blood formula?

How does it look?
-I think it's beautiful.

Ah...

-What about the geography
of the movie?

Where did they come from?
Where are they going?

Where do they think
they're going?

Where do they want to end up?

-We do not care.
We don't care.

It's fine.
-Of course not.

Okay, let's go back to the
Siberian shaman looking wild man

of Utah doing his thing.

Roll it.

You know, Jeff Lieberman would
kill me if he heard me say this,

but this movie reminds
me a little bit of his movie

"Just Before Dawn."
-Ooh, he would hate you.

-Only because the photography
of the mountains is beautiful

and it features
a hillbilly hellhole house.

And the hillbilly hellhole house
was pioneered by Jeff Lieberman

in "Just Before Dawn."

You should never go inside
the hillbilly hellhole house.

But of course, they all do.

Cinematography by Hank Zinman,
who is the --

also the fisherman who got
the bear trap to the face.

At the time
they made this movie,

he was a news cameraman
in Portland, Oregon,

and he had never worked
with 35 millimeter film before,

and he never would again.

This is his first
and only feature film.

He later worked for
"The Oprah Winfrey Show,"

"The Dr. Phil Show,"
ABC news and German TV.

But we'll always remember him
as the fisherman

who got the bear trap
to the face.

-Yes, we will.

-Hello?
Is anybody here?

There's so much I want to tell
you when we get back.

Shh.

-Ingrid, just rest.
We'll be out of here soon.

Warm food, warm bed,
and a doctor for your cut.

We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.

Ingrid.
-Huh?

Peter?

We made it!
Oh, we made it!

-We made it!

-Hello, Sheriff.
How are you today?

Just fine.
Just fine.

-Oh, nurse.
Um...

-Java?
-Yeah, thanks.

She woke up yet?
-Yeah.

She told it just like the kid
who brought her in.

-Well, we should
have gone in earlier.

What's the story
on this wild man?

-Well, she keeps going in
and out of it.

Kind of crazy.

But if it's true,
they had one hell of a weekend.

-Doctor Stockton,
come to the lab.

-Don't blame yourself.
You did everything you could.

-Joannie's still out there.

I went off and left her.

-That's not your responsibility,
not now.

Right now you should be
in a warm bed.

Now, look, there's nothing
either one of us

can do with this thing.

You can't rush it.

The search has to be planned,
and that takes time.

And anyway, the only people
should be out there are the ones

that are qualified.

-Well, the call's gone through
for the helicopter.

They're supposed to call me here
and let me know

when it'll be available.

-Do you think you have enough
men to run this maniac down?

-Oh, yeah, plenty.
Could be a mass murder deal.

And I don't want to develop it
into no circus.

-Sheriff.
-Dr. Maggie.

-Hello, Maggie.

-How are the two campers?

-Well, the girl lost
a lot of blood,

but we've gotten her
over the shock,

and she should be on her feet
fairly shortly.

She's not the problem.

-The guy worries me, too.

He keeps talking
about this Joannie,

the one they left in the woods.

He keeps going over
and over that.

-I know.
He's really feeling guilty.

There's a lot of pressure
under that kind of stress,

and he might --
he might become irrational.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Ah!

-Apparently the camera
and makeup

departments did such a great job
on the death of Joannie

that the director said it was
unbearable for him to watch.

It was just really brutal,
and so he toned it down.

He got rid of a lot
of the most intense footage.

And, Darcy, I know, I know,
you don't approve of that.

-You are correct. I hate that.
-And I don't either.

Why would you make a movie
like this

where it's extremely difficult

to get those effects
right in the first place,

and then punt
when you get it right?

-And it was 1981.

Maybe they were afraid
of censorship.

-Not really,
because the MPAA

didn't really care
about violence.

They only cared about sex.

Violence came later.

And that's another thing.
There's no real sex.

And yet the director had made
several softcore sex flicks

before this, so he
obviously knew how to do that.

Nobody really complained about
the violence, by the way.

But they did
complain about Joannie

drinking from the stream...

while she was chomping
that Baby Ruth candy bar.

A lot of people
thought that was gross.

But it goes with
the continuing theme

of all these campers are hungry,
they need food.

And it doesn't seem that they've
been out in the wilderness

long enough to be starving.

But anyway,
that was Angie Brown as Joannie.

She didn't really pursue
an acting career,

but she became
a respected TV producer.

She did a PBS documentary
series called "Great Streets."

Celebrity hosts gave tours of
the famous streets of the world.

She produced the pilot episode
of "Intervention,"

the long running series on A&E.

She's done a lot of true crime,

including "Lethally Blonde"
for Discovery ID,

that series about that woman --
-Oh, I love that one.

-Have you watched that?
-Yeah.

-Women in the fast lane
who commit crimes.

Do you like that? That show.
-Yeah.

In this movie,
however, she's dead.

Left alive are Nick Cleland
as Peter,

listed in the credits
as Jack McClelland?

Because a lot of actors
change their names

when they did horror
in the '80s.

And by the way,
that pink shirt he's wearing

is a promotional shirt
for "Boogie Vision,"

which is James Bryan's
1977 satire

about low budget filmmaking.

Nick pretty much vanished
from the film business

after this movie.

Um, and then we have
Mary Gail Artz

as the traumatized Ingrid.

This is her only acting role.

She's one of those people
who got a call from Peter Turner

and jumped on a plane.

At the time,
she was a secretary

in the casting department
at Warner Brothers,

and she used that experience
to become a big league

casting director.

She's worked
on dozens of movies,

including "Halloween II,"

"The Nightmare Before
Christmas,"

"House of Wax," "Rushmore."

But now it seems
that she and Peter

are the final couple
in the battle

against Mr. Siberian Huskies
Shaman meanie with beads

or whatever we're calling
this killer.

So let's get to the
truly insane conclusion

of "Don't...Go...in...
the...Woods."

Roll it.

-You're feeling feisty.

-If you did the prequel...
-Mm-hmm.

...to "Don't Go in the Woods,"
you would start in Siberia

and follow the wild man to Utah.

But you like killers who have
no motivation whatsoever.

I do.

-They're just born to kill.
That's their job.

They're compelled
to kill everything they see.

No childhood trauma
to explain it.

-Yeah.
Fuck childhood trauma.

-We should get Fright-Rags
to make us some t-shirts

"Fuck Childhood Trauma."
-Hell, yeah.

-As a statement of where
we stand on slasher backstories.

-So you agree with me?

-Hell, no.
But I admire

the purity of your beliefs,
Darcy.

-Thank you.

-120, clear.

-120, 16.

-1527.

-115 -- or correction,
114 alright.

-1520.

-There's a report that
some campers have been killed.

Who and how many,
I couldn't guess.

But as soon
as the chopper takes us in,

we'll know for sure.

-I got some hollow
point justice for that bastard.

-Now hang loose, men.

The chopper will be
here any time now.

-Yes.

[Birds chirping.

-120, clear.

-120, 16.
-1527.

115 -- or correction,
1...

-Well,
that guy Peter flew the coop.

We gotta look out for him, too.

-We got a mental case, too.

-Yeah, and that's not all.

Just got a call
from the National Guard.

No copter.
They say it's county business.

Gotta take care of it ourselves.
-We don't have a copter.

-Yeah, I know.
We're gonna have to walk in.

-No, no.
-We stay behind here.

-Come on.
-Stay behind me.

-Alright, keep your eyes open
and your mouths shut.

Ah!

-Now, when the rest
of the men come up,

I want you to send them
out along these ridges.

-Yes, sir. And you?

-I'm going to the cabin.

Tell the men to keep one in
the chamber and the safety off.

Kill her like this, you probably
won't get but one shot.

And I don't want
to lose anybody.

-Hey, hey! Over here!

Come on over!

-Hello, the cabin.

Anybody there?

Hello?

Don't you ever knock?

-Found one?

-Yeah, and I think
we're just getting started.

-Joannie

Oh.

Joannie.

-I marked the next one
for you.

-Bring it on down here
with the others.

How many is that?

-Six so far.

How long has this been going on?

-What kind of crazy
would do a thing like this?

-Who the hell's he?
-From the paper.

-You make damn sure you get
clearance on every one of those.

-Sure, sure.

-Thanks.
Appreciate you coming up.

We can really use your help.

What's she doing here?

-Well, I thought
it might be a good idea.

If her friend Peter
comes in,

she might be able
to help bring him in

and avoid any possible violence.

-You know, I'm having a hard
time getting any radio up here.

-Excuse us, Dr. Maggie.
We got work to do.

-Any luck?
-Nah, we ain't found him yet.

Not but one more place
he could be.

We'll get him tomorrow
before sunset.

-Have you seen Ingrid?

-No, we didn't.
She's missing?

-When did --
How'd it happen, Maggie?

-She disappeared
just round about dusk.

She was afraid that something
had happened to Peter.

Oh, God,
she's out there all alone.

Can't we do something?

-Not tonight, too dark.
These fellas too tired.

They can't go another step
without some sleep.

We'll get started
at sunrise.

-Peter!

No!

Peter! Peter!

-Peter.

No!

Huh?

Ah!

Peter!
Oh!

-Ingrid.
-Peter.

Oh!

Oh.

-Peter!

No!

-Alright.
Go down there and hide.

-Peter! Peter!

-No!

-Sometimes makes you
kind of wonder.

-Cute couple.

-♪ Don't go out
in the woods tonight ♪

♪ You probably
will be thrilled ♪

♪ Don't go out
in the woods tonight ♪

♪ You probably will be killed ♪

♪ There's a friendly beast who
lurks about and likes to feast ♪

♪ You won't get out
without being killed ♪

♪ And chopped up
in little pieces ♪

♪ Don't go out
in the woods tonight ♪

♪ You probably
will be thrilled ♪

♪ Don't go out
in the woods tonight ♪

♪ You probably will be killed ♪

♪ There's a friendly beast who
lurks about and likes to feast ♪

♪ You won't get out
without being killed ♪

♪ And chopped up
in little pieces.

♪ Don't go out
in the woods tonight ♪

-And so, Hubcap Carter,
as the Sheriff,

sums up the theme of the movie
when he says,

sometimes it makes you
kind of wonder.

As the little girl in
the basket strikes at the dirt

with her hatchet.

It's art.

-Are we supposed to think
that that little girl

will now take up the mantle
of Utah Mountain wild woman?

-Yes.
-Presumably she'd have to be

raised by wolves
or something, right?

And thank God the tension
of that final thrilling sequence

was relieved somewhat
by the tourists in a wheelchair,

struggling to climb the hill
and falling over repeatedly

while cartoon music plays

so that he could
eventually make it to the top

and immediately be decapitated.

Comic relief murder
of the handicapped.

The movie needed that.

That is Gerry Klein,
the sound man on the movie,

rocking that wheelchair.

And this is actually
the only movie

I can ever remember where
when the decapitation happens,

the head literally rolls.

And, um, speaking
of the theme of sometimes

it makes you kind of wonder,

it makes me kind of wonder

why the sheriff goes into
the hillbilly horror house

by himself when he has a posse
of 25 men somewhere nearby,

and the answer is
that originally the sheriff

was going to be in a helicopter.

The National Guard had agreed to
provide a copter for the shoot,

and apparently someone
in the military read the script

and so permission was withdrawn.

Uh, hence the scene
where the sheriff says,

well, we can't get a helicopter
because it's county business.

Then the sheriff tells
the gunman to put one shell

in the chamber and put
their guns on safety because,

"Killer like this,
you'll only get one shot."

What?

Don't want to have
too many bullets to work with.

Fuck.

-When he says killer
like this,

I guess he's probably
thinking it's a killer

who has an upside down copy
of The New Yorker on his wall.

Did anybody notice that?

The Siberian
mountain man hippie psycho

reads the New Yorker
in his spare time?

That's some serious
Unabomber shit, right?

And I guess
just one more question.

Why does the doctor bring
the traumatized Ingrid

back into the woods?

Answer, because she might be
able to calm Peter down.

No, she can't calm Peter down.
Peter's trying to calm her down.

Peter doesn't calm down
until he hears that

"Don't Go Out in the Woods
Tonight" song

that plays
over the final credits.

That song is the creation
of H. Kingsley Thurber,

who did the music
for the whole movie

because James Brown met him
at Sun Classics

and asked him if he'd give
it a shot on a movie score.

And when he was done, he sent
that song to Brian as a joke.

It's to the tune
of the "Teddy Bears Picnic,"

but Bryan thought it was
so brilliant

that he put it
over the end credits,

and it has developed
quite a following.

Alright, Darcy.
-Yeah.

- What's your final verdict?
- I love it.

I do. I really do love that
it's so trashy.

Like cheap, sleazy.

Kind of annoying at times,
I will give you,

but ultimately fun if you
watch it with the right crowd.

Our crowd, mutant-approved
junk food is what it is.

You should have more respect.

-Okay, well,
it does have a following.

It did not take
the country by storm

in November of 1981
and early 1982

as it made its way
slowly around the country.

They only struck
about 30 prints of it,

so it was slow to be discovered.

Actually, it was
never discovered.

It remained undiscovered
for 30 years.

Um, once James Bryan paid
all his deferrals,

it ended up being
about $150,000 movie

that did not make
its investment back.

And for part of its life,

it ran on a double bill
with "The Hills Have Eyes,"

which should have helped
but didn't.

And ultimately, it became one
of those forgotten films

that's mostly celebrated
when it's celebrated at all,

because it's forgotten film.

Um...
-Alright, well,

speaking of things
that are forgotten.

-Yeah.
-Do you remember talking about

Al Waxman when
we showed "Class of 1984?"

-No. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Al -- the great Al Waxman, the
great Canadian character actor.

-Yes, of course.
-He was in a couple

hundred flicks.

He was a detective
in "Class of 1984."

-Yes.
-Yes, I do remember that.

-Well, you mentioned
that his disco song about Canada

was lost, but one of our fans
not only found it,

he bought it for us,
and here it is.

-He brought
Al Waxman's disco song

because I talked about it?
-Yes.

It's from Zachary Panto
of Calgary.

-Wow. Okay.
-I know.

There it is.

"Gotta Year You Say It Too"

It's a 45. Okay.

Oh, "Hello from Calgary,
Joe Bob.

I was watching you show
"Class of 1984" on Canada Day

as I hadn't seen it
since it first aired,

and you mentioned
that Al Waxman wrote a song

you had not heard.

As the episode was
from a number of years ago now,

I assume somebody sent
you a link to YouTube,

though it was hard
for me to find the song

as it was performed
by one Skip Prokop."

I guess he put this up on
YouTube after he found the 45.

"But since you said
you hadn't heard it,

I figured being in Canada,
I could find a copy for you.

And here it is.
I gave it a listen.

It plays okay for its age

and it seems each side is
a different version.

It's a nice little ditty,
although I am more into metal.

Hopefully you can play this,

but if not, check on YouTube for
the Skip Prokop labeled version.

Thanks for keeping
the drive-in alive."

Zachary Panto,
Calgary, Alberta.

Yes, in a few weeks back,

Austin did tip me off that
we might be using this letter,

and so I asked
if we could play the song,

and the answer was hell no.

But it's a great song.

The song is sung
by the nation of Canada.

The whole nation?

-And the nation of Canada.

The character
of the person singing the song

is I'm the nation of Canada,

telling Canadians
how much Canada loves them.

But, "I gotta hear you saying
you love me too."

And you can now check it
out on YouTube,

and I hope we had something to
do with it getting put up there.

"Gotta Year You Say it Too,"

sung by Skip Prokop, founder
of the Canadian band Lighthouse.

So check it out.

It's especially appropriate
these days because

most people -- most people
don't -- don't realize

just how pissed off Canada
is at the U.S. right now.

It's bad.

I was -- actually, Darcy,
I was -- I was surprised.

I got a call last week.

They want us back at Shock Stock
in London, Ontario this year.

You know, the big convention
in Ontario.

And -- And that's good
because it's not a good year

for Americans getting
invites to Canada.

-Wow.

That's because they know
that we love them.

-And we do.
We love Canada.

And if we go back, I'm going to
try to eat some of that stuff.

I'm going to eat more of it.
I tried to eat it last time.

What is it called?

-Poutine? That?
-Poutine, yeah.

I think we got some cheap
poutine last time though.

It was like a fast food place.

But I'm going to support Canada
by devouring some more poutine.

-I've got some video of you
eating that poutine.

-Yeah, well, alright.

But this time I'm going to do it
with whiskey shots,

because I think that's
the secret to eating poutine.

Canadian whiskey, of course.

Only Canadian whiskey.
Crown Royal Deluxe.

That's what I'll do,
and poutine.

And I guess that's it.
Okay, thank you.

-That's it for me
and for Darcy, the Mail Girl,

reminding you that if you want
to be remembered after you die,

borrow money from everybody
you know

and the drive-in will never die.

Woman decides to spend --

Woman decides to have
a facelift for a birthday,

and so she spends $10,000
on her facelift

and she feels pretty good
about the results.

So on her way home
from the facelift,

she stops at a convenience store
to buy water,

and before leaving,
she asks the sales clerk,

"I hope you
don't mind my asking,

but how old do you think I am?"

And the clerk says,
"Oh, about 35."

And she says, "I'm actually 57."

The woman says with a
big smile on her face.

A little while later
she goes in McDonald's

and she asks the counter girl
the same question.

The counter girl says,
"Oh, about 29."

And the woman says, "Nope,
I'm 57."

And now she's feeling
really good about herself.

Next, she's waiting
for the bus home

and she asks an old man
the same question.

The old man says, "Well, I'm 86
and my eyesight is going.

Although when I was young
there was a sure way

to tell how old a woman was,

but it requires you to let
me put my hands down your pants

then I can tell you exactly
how old you are."

The woman was kind of offended,
but she didn't say anything.

But they had to wait
a while for the bus,

and after so much
awkward silence,

she finally says,
"Well, what the hell?

Go ahead."

So the old man slips
both hands down her pants

and he starts feeling around,
and after a couple minutes

she says, "Okay, okay,
so how old am I?"

And he takes his hands out
and he says, "You're 57."

And the woman is stunned
and she says, "That's amazing.

How do you know that?"
The old man says,

"I was standing
behind you in McDonald's."

-You may have told me
that one a time or two before.

-Just...
Ha, ha, ha.

-♪ We are drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.