All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S33E17.The.Bird.with.the.Crystal.Plumage.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track4_[eng]

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Tonight,
this is a really strange episode

of "The Last Drive-In."

We have four
very distinguished guests

and two
very distinguished movies,

and we're gonna present them
in a whole new way.

And I'm gonna set it up
like this.

You know a surefire way
to start a fight?

Hide your Wild Turkey?

-Yeah. Well, yeah.

But better than that, put two
horror fanatics in the same room

and ask them any
of the following questions.

-Oh, no.
-What do you mean, "Oh, no?"

-Well, I see you got yourself
a chart over there.

-Yes, Darcy,
as a matter of fact,

I have thoroughly researched
the top 10 reasons

that horror fans
get into actual fistfights.

-Actual fistfights?
-Yes.

-Okay.
-Every horror fan

has a favorites list,

and the favorites list
always indicates

what kind of horror
they're passionate about.

And when you have a favorites
list, it's just like music.

It opens you up
for somebody to say,

"You like
that
kind of music?

I don't think I can know you
anymore."

-Okay.
That definitely happens.

-Alright, now, I want
you to help me with this

'cause you've seen
all these arguments

because of the places we go
and the people that we talk to.

And in fact, I tried this out

at Midsummer Scream
in Long Beach...

-Yeah.
-...and it almost caused

fistfights
on the convention floor.

-Did it?
-Alright, Darcy the Mail Girl,

ladies and gentlemen,
here to answer your questions,

field your emails, your DMs,
read your TikToks, or whatever.

-I'll read your TikToks.
-Get in touch with her

to screw with us
at any time during the evening.

Okay, so, the first one is easy.

"Jaws is not a horror film."

All you have to do is say this,
and you'll get flak.

This one is actually one of
the most confusing things to me

because -- giant creature eating
people?

I would think that's
self-evidently horror,

but, yes,
this is an actual controversy.

"What's your favorite
horror film?"

"'Jaws.'"

"Okay, you're not
a real horror fan."

You know? Alright.

So, that starts fistfights.

But there are other ways
to get your face bashed in

by a horror hound.

Number 9 --

"Hereditary" and "Midsommar" --
that's my idea of real horror.

-Gross.
-Yeah.

You're a snob.

That's how that all started.
You're a snob.

Take your Harvard degree

and stick it in
Freddy Krueger's furnace, man.

You know?

"Okay, so, what's your idea
of real horror?"

"How about freakin'
'Street Trash,' dude?"

You know, we should actually
have a debate sometime --

which is better,
"Hereditary" or "Street Trash"?

-Oh, it's "Street Trash."

Debate over. Done.

-I think when I did this one
in Long Beach,

the guy stood up and said,
"I would like to say something

in defense of 'Mid-so-mmar.'"

I actually think our audience
would be 50/50 on this one.

Or we could do -- we could do,

"What's the best
child-abuse horror,

'The Babadook' or
'Bride of Chucky'?"

-"Bride of Chucky,"
but child abuse?

Okay. But we should
actually start doing these.

-We are gonna start
doing these.

Okay, horror face-bashing
controversy number 8...

"The remake is better."

-True.
-Need I elaborate?

-You know it's better?
You admitted it.

I did not say it was better.
I said it was almost as good.

So they spent $9.5 million
to make a film

that was almost as good
as the $60,000 original.

Come on, Darcy.

-I think you are retracting
what you said,

but what difference
does that make anyway?

-Well, for those of you
just tuning in,

we're arguing here about
"The Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

-The remake is better.
-Okay, but let's switch titles

on this one, alright?
-Okay.

-Rob Zombie's "Halloween"

is better than John Carpenter's
"Halloween."

-There are some people
that really think that.

I am not one of those.
-Okay. Alright.

-In fact
I would say remake fights

may be the most common way
to break up friendships forever.

But let's move on
to number 7.

Ah.

"You don't need all
that gore to be scary."

-I know people
who are like that for sure.

-"Blood and guts is not scary."
-Mnh. Those are not my people.

-Or, you know,
"I remember back in the day,

it was all about what
was
not
seen that scared you."

True.

-We could refer to
this as the yuck factor.

You know, some people don't
want to see anything yucky.

So they'll praise movies
like "The Ring."

"They didn't need
any blood and gore for that."

Or "Insidious" or maybe
"Poltergeist," you know?

"They didn't have any blood
and gore in 'Poltergeist.'"

-I don't think
that's making their point,

but there's room for all styles.
-Okay.

Exactly. Non-issue. Okay.

Number 6.

Oh, my God.

Actually, I'm not sure
about this one.

"I love found footage films."

Has anybody ever said that ever?
-Yes.

-"I want every film
to be found footage."

-I mean,
there are definitely some

found footage fanatics
out there.

-But it's mostly hated, right?
Found footage is hated.

-I don't know
if it's widely hated,

but it gets criticized
for being lazy.

-Oh, yeah.
"That filmmaker was too lazy

to make a real movie,
so he did found footage."

-That, yes.
-Okay.

Anyway, that's always
a good fight topic.

Alright, number 5!

Oh.

"A slow burn
always pays off better."

I know how you feel
about this one.

-Fuck slow burns, man.
-Yeah.

-I don't want that shit.
-So, a movie like "The Shining"

that, you know, trades with just
a feeling of dread as opposed

to non-stop kill scene
set pieces like "Saw," you know?

-Well, I would say the original
"Saw" wasn't necessarily

like that, but in general,
give me "Saw"

over "The Shining,"
like, every time.

-We get a lot of slow-burn...
-I said what I said.

-...flak for stuff
that we show here.

Like, remember when we showed
"The House of the Devil,"

you know,
which has a very slow --

-Yeah, we should get flak
for that shit.

-Well, I can go either way
on that one

'cause I love "Hostel"
and I think --

-I do, too.
-That's a slow burn.

I think it goes like 45 minutes
before that first kill.

-"Hostel" is the rare exception,

where the payoff
is worth the build-up.

-And the build-up's fine.
-Okay, well, that's what

a slow burn should do.
Okay.

Moving on to number 4.

"Oh, that's just
a cheap jump scare."

-Oh, Lordy.

-Okay, here's my
quick defense of the jump scare.

When you're already scared
or nervous or on edge,

you're walking
through a dark room,

you're doing anything, really,

the slightest random thing
will make you jump.

And so that's normally
what a jump scare does.

It takes advantage of a
situation that is already scary.

-Agreed.
-Okay.

Number 3
on our horror fistfight list.

Whoa.
-Whoops.

Almost got number 2...
-Spoilers.

-...revealed there.
Number 3 is "CGI sucks."

-That is a big one for sure.
-Yeah.

Practical effects are
always better.

You know,
I'm not going to get into that

except to say there are
certain things

that cannot be done in any way
other than visual effects.

You can either use CGI

or just not have those things
in your movie.

So, and I'm not sure
I want to live in a world

without "Sharknado," you know?

So moving on quickly
to numero two-o,

how is it possible?

Now, this is a
timeline fight.

Well, how can she
possibly be alive in part four?

Didn't she die in part three?

And why is his hand
working in part three,

when his hand was damaged
in part two?

And it doesn't matter how
many times the filmmaker says,

"Well, I'm working
from an alternate timeline

that starts one day
after the original."

You know, there's still going to
be people who are going to say,

hey, you're screwing
with the reality of the story.

And, um, probably the worst one,
I will admit this,

is "The Texas
Chain Saw Massacre" franchise.

I mean, nine movies,
six timelines, uh, madness.

But what is your feeling
on timelines?

-Oh,
timelines need to be respected.

David Gordon Green,
I'm looking at you.

You can't just ignore
seven movies of lore

to start your own shit.
That's nonsense.

-On "Halloween?"
-"Halloween."

Yeah, but they're
not brother and sister anymore.

- Fuck that shit.
- Okay.

I sort of agree with you
on that one.

And finally, this is a biggie,

and this is the one
we're going to deal with

in tonight's double feature.

Actually, this is
the number one reason

horror fans get into fistfights.

No, that one is better.
No, that one was first.

That's not the first one.
That other one was first.

1906 there was one.

That's -- That's
more influential.

This one is more influential
than that one.

What's the first important
horror flick, you know?

What's the best
silent horror film?

What's the most influential
silent horror film?

Is the Universal version
better than the Hammer version?

Well, of course it is.
You know?

These discussions are endless.

But tonight
on "The Last Drive-In,"

we're going to settle one of
those discussions for all time.

And we have picked one of the
nerdiest arguments of them all,

and it's this.

What's the first giallo?

Giallo being, of course,

that strangest of genres,

the Italian mystery thriller
movie made between the 1960s

and the 1990s, and to settle
that issue for all time,

we have two candidates.

Was it Mario Bava's
"Blood and Black Lace" in 1964,

or was it Dario Argento's

"The Bird with the Crystal
Plumage" in 1970?

And to make sure we arrive
at the correct conclusion,

we have the four smartest
and most well-informed

horror authorities in
the world here with us tonight.

And two of them are Team Bava,

and two of them
are Team Argento.

And they're going to duke it out
right here in this trailer park.

And Darcy,
you'll be keeping score

so that there's
no funny business.

And our result will be
strictly scientific according

to who makes the best arguments,

as determined by myself,
Darcy and the audience at large.

And we're calling it
Battle for the Black Glove.

-Alright,
this is going to be cool.

-Or it's going to be
a complete failure.

We don't know which,
but we'll see.

-Try to be positive.
-Alright.

I'll be bringing out our
contestants at the first break.

But first, I want to introduce
our opening movie,

"The Bird with
the Crystal Plumage."

It's the sensitive story
of an American novelist

who witnesses an attempted
murder at an art gallery

and becomes the target
of a black-gloved killer

in the body count movie that
launched Dario Argento's career.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with a title
about a mythical creature

that has nothing
to do with the plot?

I think not.

And those "Drive-In"
totals are...

six dead bodies,
three off camera dead bodies,

two breasts,
one bloody glove,

one hit-and-run,

extended chase scene
through a bus storage yard,

attempted meat-cleaver
decapitation,

straight-razor slashing,
POV window plunge,

neck-targeted karate chop,
stalking, stabbing,

panty slicing,
gratuitous "CSI: Italy,"

cosmic art sculpture fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award
nominations for Tony Musante

as the befuddled novelist
for saying,

"I can hear him saying it now.

Go to Italy.
It's a peaceful country.

Nothing ever happens there."

Enrico Maria Salerno
as the inspector

for saying, "Bring
in the perverts."

Suzy Kendall as the girlfriend

for saying, "It gives me
the shivers."

Eva Renzi as the traumatized
wife of the gallery owner

for saying, "It isn't right
to trick the public."

And Dario Argento,
the writer/director

for doing things
the Italian drive-in way,

even though Italy doesn't
have drive-ins.

Four stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.

-I feel like you laid it
on pretty thick about those
contestants.

-Yes, I did.

It's because it's the four
smartest people in the world.

-Okay.

-They all wanted
to be on our show,

four smartest people
in the world.

-Do you maybe mean the four
most well informed about horror?

-Yes, and that means they're the
smartest people in the world.

-Okay.
It feels a little extreme.

-No, it's not extreme, Darcy.

The four smartest people
on the planet

will be debating the
giallo question on this show,

beginning at the first break.

-Let's do it.

-Il Giorno, please.

Thanks.

Aha.

Ah. Usual garbage.

-Come on, Carlo.
We'll be late.

-Relax. They will wait.

I forgot to tell you
that the thing you wrote

has been a great success
with the experts, you know?

-I'm glad they're happy.

Sam Dalmas, great hope
of American literature,

now writing manuals on
the preservation of rare birds.

-It'll be funny
if I won a prize for it.

-How is Julia?
-Oh, fine.

She's out of town
on a modeling job.

-Ah.

-I think she'll
be back tonight.

-How are things going?
-Oh, very well.

Taking her back to the States
with me, day after tomorrow.

-Really serious, eh?
-Looks like it.

-Morning, Professor.
-Morning.

-You know, the first thing
I'm going to do when I get home

is to look up a friend of mine
to return a favor.

I was going through
a kind of bad period.

A little short on inspiration.
"Go to Italy," he said,

waxing poetic.

"You need peace, tranquility.
That's Italy.

Inspiration will come to you.
Nothing ever happens in Italy."

May he roast in hell!
-Ha, ha!

-So, I came. I believed him.

Toured the country.
Saw all the monuments.

Then spaghetti, wine,
the atmosphere.

Great.
Only I'm dead broke.

I haven't written
a line in two years.

Wouldn't even have
the plane fare home

if you hadn't come along
with this job.

Which you carried
out beautifully.

-Here is your check, Mr. Dalmas.

-Hm.

-But, hey, Sam.
Don't you want a copy?

-Who needs it?
I have this.

- Hey, hey!
- Open the door.

Hey, hey!

-How do I open the door?

-I can't get in.

How do I open the door?

Hang on.
Just hang on!

Open the door.

Open the door!

Call the police!

I called the police.

-Her pulse is weak but it
wouldn't appear to be serious.
She hasn't lost too much blood.

Okay, get on with it.

-Yes, sir.
Check for fingerprints.

-Okay.

-Good evening.

I'm Inspector Morosini.

Tell me about it, eh?

-What's that?
-What happened?

I want to know everything
you saw and heard. Everything.

-How is she?
-Oh, she'll be all right.

Thanks to you.
Oh, what's your name?

-Sam Dalmas.
-Are you English?

-No, I'm an American.
I was on my way home.

I was walking in front of the
gallery and I saw these lights.

I looked up here and I saw
these two figures struggling.

-Put her down carefully.

-Poor thing, she was...
-Where were the police?

-Let me through.
I'm the owner of the gallery.

Monica!

-See...

-Monica.

Monica.

What happened?

-She's in no state
for questions.

I'd leave her alone.
-Is it serious?

-No, no. It's nothing serious.

A flesh wound.
-Come on now, come along.

-Let go of me!
I'm Alberto Ranieri.

She's my wife.

-Excuse me.

-Monica, speak to me.
What happened?

-Please, you're tiring her.
-Monica, dear.

Who did it? Who?
-We don't know.

I hope your wife
may be able to tell us.

-Right, we'll go.

-What was she doing here
in the gallery

at this time of night?

-Oh, um, she was
going over the books.

I, um, I was supposed
to pick her up.

-Mm-hmm.

-Monica, Monica!

-Go ahead.

-Come on now, stand back.
Let the stretcher through.

-Poor girl.

-Stand back there, please.
Stand back now.

-Right, that's it.

-Now, where were we, eh?

-There was something wrong
with that scene.

Something odd.

I can't pin it down

but I have a feeling
that something didn't fit.

-Well, think about it.
Try to isolate it.

-I've tried.
I can't pin it down.

Let's see if I can help.

You saw someone
run out of this door.

-Yeah, but it was so dark
under here.

The door was almost --
-Don't touch anything.

Try keeping your hands
in your pockets.

It's the only way
to avoid temptation.

It saves a lot of time
and trouble.

-And on the mezzanine
was noted a statue of a warrior,

bronze, on the wall,

and a sculpture resembling
a branch of a petrified tree.

On the ground floor,

an irregular trail
of blood stains

from the service door
at the rear

to within 10 feet
of the front window.

Apart from the blood, there is
no other sign of a struggle.

You got that?
-Right.

-Okay.
-According to you,

she came down these stairs.

-Not according to me, she did.

-In all 39 features.

Now, we'll measure
from the window to the stairs.

-Blood.

-Look, I've had it.
I can't take anymore.

We've been through
the whole damn thing six times.

Look, I've told you everything.
Every detail.

I don't know that woman.
I've never seen her before.

-Now look,
let's start over again.

Maybe there's a detail
you've forgotten.

Suppose we go back
to the strange figure

you saw running away.
Describe it.

-I told you it was dark.

I was too far away. It was
nothing but a dark figure.

Look, I'm tired.

I'm leaving for the United
States the day after tomorrow

and I got a million
things to do.

-Really, have you
made a reservation?

-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.

Have you your passport on you?
-Yeah.

-May I have a look
at it a moment?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

-Hey.
-Hey, what?

-My passport.

-Oh, we'll take care
of it for a while.

-You're kidding.
I can't move without it.

-We don't want you to.

You're too important
to us as a witness.

You saw something which,
though you can't recall it,

is, on your own admission,
clearly vital.

And until this point
is cleared up,

I can't allow you to leave.

-Hey now, look.
I don't mind coming down here --

-What you may not know,
Mr. Dalmas,

is that in this city
during the past month

there have been three
as yet unexplained murders.

The victim in each case
was a woman.

Three crimes all committed

without any apparent
motive whatsoever.

It seems very clear to me
that there is a dangerous maniac

at large in this city.

But what makes
the investigations

particularly difficult
as far as we're concerned,

and it's for this reason that
we require your cooperation,

is that I'm fairly
certain this man is,

as far as his appearance goes,

quite sane.

In his daily life,
he is completely normal.

Like anybody else.
Even like you.

-Me?
-Why, yes. You. Why not?

Let's suppose you are insane.

You entered the gallery
and you attacked the woman.

Then when you tried to escape,

you were accidentally trapped
between the glass doors.

-You're out of your mind.

You can't just grab
a foreign citizen

and accuse him of murder.

-No one's accusing you.

-You're giving me
the third degree.

It's illegal. I want to call
my consulate right now.

-Go ahead.

Call anyone you want.

Call the President
of the United States.

-A tough nut, eh?

-Ah, just...

-Here's a copy
of Monti's report.

-Erm, TWA, I want
to cancel a reservation.

Sam Dalmas.

Erm, number 112.
New York, day after tomorrow.

Yeah, thank you.

-Look out behind!

Are you hurt or anything?

- Can I help you?
- No, no, no.

Don't worry, I'm okay.
Thank you.

-Well, that's the most
enthusiastic welcome

I've ever had.

Hey, it's been a month now.
-Mm.

Had a hard day
at the office, dear?

No.

No, I just...

I just witnessed
an attempted homicide.

Was given the third degree
by the police.

Had my passport confiscated
so now we can't leave.

And just now I my head
nearly decapitated

by a meat cleaver.

You know, the usual.

-Sure, now you just tell me
all about it.

-Funny thing is, it's the truth.

-In the beginning, darkness.

Until two faces of fear
saw all the colors of the dark.

Dario Argento, Mario Bava,

two men casting
a bloodstained shadow

as they force their fatal frames
on the silver screen.

Let's get ready to giallo.

-Welcome to a night
of Violence

as two of the giants of giallo
paint the town deep red.

This is the "Battle
for the Black Glove."

-And so I think we
would all agree

that in the first few minutes
of "The Bird

with the Crystal Plumage,"
we have quite a few

of the essential elements
of the giallo.

We have an exotic location.

We have a foreigner trying
to figure out the locals.

We have a beautiful setting,

namely that weird art gallery
with the fishbowl doors.

And we have two
attempted murders.

We have a black-gloved killer.

We have a skeptical
but boring police detective.

And of course,
we have beautiful women,

including Suzy Kendall as Julia,

the girlfriend and Eva Renzi
as the injured victim.

Plus, the unconventional
musical score

by the great Ennio Morricone
and vivid,

lush cinematography
by Vittorio Storaro,

who would go on
to be a three-time Oscar winner.

But why should I be talking
about it

when we have the four greatest
giallo authorities in the world

waiting just off camera here?

So let's line them up for the
"Battle for the Black Glove."

We're going to decide tonight.

Yeah, we are going
to decide tonight

the question that has split
apart horror fans for years,

and that is who is responsible
for the giallo craze in Italy.

Was it Mario Bava
or was it Dario Argento?

-Whoo!
-So, going in alphabetical

order, please welcome
Claire Donner.

-Yeah, Yeah, yeah!

-Troy Howarth.

Lars Nilsen.

And Sam Zimmerman.

Alright, Claire,
I'm going to start with you.

You are the
New York City director

of the Miskatonic Institute
of Horror Studies.

You are an art historian.

You write extensively
about horror media.

You list as your special areas
of expertise,

and I love this gore,
pornography and cannibalism.

And you write those extensive
novel-length little booklets

that are included whenever
Severin releases a new Blu-ray.

So please declare your loyalty.

-Bird is the word, Joe Bob.

-Team Argento?
-Yes.

-Okay.
-It is simply the first

cohesive, unique
giallo film.

-I maybe...
-Okay.

-Oh.
-Save it for just

a minute, Claire.

I know, I know you're --
I know your Team Argento,

but I have to ask you,
since you're --

since you're an expert
in gore and cannibalism.

The turtle scene
in "Cannibal Holocaust."

Yes or no?
This is a big issue here.

-Yes or no? What kind --
That's not a question.

-The turtle scene.
-What does that mean?

-Yes or no?
-What am I...?

-Ruggero Deodato?
-What am I answering?

-I'm not totally sure
what the question is.

-The question is, should
he have done the turtle scene?

-Oh, Jesus.

I mean, I don't think

you should vivisect
a turtle.

-Okay.
-I do think that the things

that go on in that movie
are what make it what it is.

And we have to deal
with this now.

You know, if I could
get into a time machine

and go back and save the turtle,
would I do that?

I don't really know.

-Wait. You don't know?
-You just said it,

I'm an art historian,

and I can't interfere
with our history.

Save the turtle.

-How about the woman impaled
on a stick?

-I believe what has been said

about her complicatedly sitting
on a pike

with like a bicycle seat

and something coming
out of her mouth.

But like superstitiously,
I think it's a dead body.

-But as an image?

-Astounding, indelible.
-It's fine, it's fine, okay.

-Yeah.
-I had to ask

because we get more complaints
about the turtle than the woman.

-That makes sense.

-But I knew you would be
Team Argento

if for no other reason
than you're the world's

leading authority
on the director, Michele Soavi,

who was mentored by Argento.

And, okay.

Next up we have Troy Howarth.
-Whoo!

-And Troy currently holds
the world record

for the number
of commentary tracks produced

for European horror films.

He has authored
at least 11 books,

at last count,
including books on Mario Bava,

Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci,
Klaus Kinski,

Paul Naschy, John Carpenter,

and three volumes just
on giallo films.

All the way from Johnstown,
Pennsylvania.

All I can say, Troy,
is that you are monstrously

overqualified for this show.

But please --- please
just declare your loyalty.

-Oh, Team Bava.
Of course I'm saying.

-Of course, Bava.
-Ooh.

-Okay, now,
didn't you say at one point

that it was Bava films
that brought you to horror

in the first place?
-Yeah, I mean,

he's definitely
to Euro horror in particular.

So yeah, definitely.

-That's what got
you started on horror?

-Mm-hmm.
-Alright.

This next panelist
I've known for years

because he ran
the weirder cult movie shows

for Alamo Drafthouse,
and in fact,

he was the main curator
for the original

"Weird Wednesday"
at the original Alamo Drafthouse

in the '90s in Austin,

a time when they
would sometimes take 35mm reels

out of film cans discovered
in dusty warehouses

and just run them for free for
audiences that then rediscovered

all these lost exploitation
treasures

from the '60s, '70s, '80s.

Anyway, if you've ever been
to any cult movie night

in an indie theater,
it owes a debt

at some level to Lars Nilsen,
who is at the present time --

-Whoo!
-Yeah, at the present time,

Lars is the programming director
for the Austin Film Society.

But more importantly,

he has seen more exploitation
movies than any man alive

and could probably name
every Argento and Bava

movie in chronological order
while high on marijuana.

So welcome, Lars.
-Thank you. Thank you.

-Please declare your loyalty.

-I'm going to --
I think I'm going to go

with Team Bava here.
-Okay.

And didn't you say --
I want to mention your new book,

Warped -- "Warped and Faded"
is the name of your new book,

which has some of the funniest
and most trenchant

reviews of horror films in it,

as well as a history
of "Weird Wednesday"

in the American Genre
Film Archive in Austin.

And didn't you say at some point

that you wrote reviews
in a style intended

to get the attention of people
who were already high on weed?

-Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Which is you have to do
when you're in Austin.

Okay. Alright.

And rounding out our
illustrious foursome,

Sam Zimmerman,
the curator for Shudder.

Sam is personally acquainted
with filmmakers

and film distributors
all over the world.

He is -- He's actually, Sam,

you are the first employee
hired by Shudder

I think 10 years ago...
-Day one.

...after studying film
at the State University

of New York Purchase,
which is known

for its film program,

and then you were
working for Fangoria,

and Sam is the guy
who finds movies for this show

as the head of programming

and increasingly produces
and executive produces movies

that become Shudder Originals.

So welcome, Sam,
declare your loyalty.

-It's crystal clear, Joe Bob.
It's Argento.

-It has to be Argento, great.
And somehow I knew that, too.

So we're going to get started
with our,

uh, debate at the next break,

and I'll go over the rules

and we'll start arguing
as only horror fans can argue.

But first, I want to get
a quick one, two, three,

four of why everybody
on the panels

thinks "The Bird with
the Crystal Plumage" matters.

Claire, you go first.

-Well, as I've said,

and I will go on to prove,
it is the first real giallo.

I can maybe be strong-armed
into admitting

that Bava sort of developed
most of the giallo ingredients,

but Argento really put
them together.

Uh, that movie has
influenced everybody,

from John Carpenter
to Brian De Palma

to Pedro Almodóvar.

Um, and I think it
really cleverly addresses

the actual force that caused
the birth of the giallo

in a way that I hope
I will prove later.

-Okay.
-Yay!

Very good summary.
Troy.

-Well, I'll just start
by saying I disagree with that.

Of course --
-Wow. Already.

-It's just -- it simply is
not true that it is the first.

However, it is an important film

because I think it
can be proved fairly easily

it's the one that
really popularized the trend.

If we didn't have "Bird
with the Crystal Plumage,"

we wouldn't have had all these
other movies with exotic titles,

animals in the titles,
et cetera, et cetera

And it is the movie
that brings in

the primal trauma elements,

the psychological dimension
of the giallo.

So yeah, I mean,
it's got that going for it,

but it's not the first.

-Okay. Lars.
-Yeah.

I think anytime you've got
a genre of anything,

it starts off
with a genius creating it,

and then you're going to have
popularizers.

So what you really have
in this case

is Bava as a genius
creating the giallo.

And then Argento comes along
and he refines it.

He makes it a basic commodity,

basically kind of
a supermarket commodity,

which he puts out there.

And it becomes a huge hit
because it's so basic

that everyone
of every intelligence level

can kind of understand it.
-Wow.

-Oh.
-Wow.

-Supermarket commodity.

Okay, Lars, that --
-That's serious.

-That phrase is gonna
come back to haunt you.

Okay. Sam.

-Uh, I think it's foundational.

It's -- It may not be
the first giallo,

but it is Argento's
first giallo.

And by nature of that,
it is the master of the genre,

one of the masters
of Italian horror,

putting his stamp
on the thriller

and helping to create
the hallmarks and iconography

of what that genre is.
Okay.

-And it has led to the
best dressed team on the show.

Whoo!

-Okay, but was it the
foundation film for the giallo?

We will know the answer
later tonight.

We will have a winner.
Back to the movie now.

Get ready for the "Battle
of the Black Glove."

So roll the movie.

And one reason we're doing this
is that at some point,

Dario Argento became annoyed

that Mario Bava does get
so much attention

when people talk about
the giallo.

And he said, "Actually,
Riccardo Freda had more

influence on -- on the giallo
than Bava did."

And apparently he didn't note
that Riccardo Freda's,

two of Riccardo Freda's
horror films

were finished by Mario Bava.

Frieda walked off the set,
and two of them Bava completed.

Am I right?
I'm right about that, right?

-You are right.
-Alright.

We will not be expanding
the debate

to include Riccardo Freda,
okay?

-What are we even doing then?
-Okay.

-Murder obsession
notwithstanding.

-But extra points
for anybody who works

"Theodora, the Slave Empress"
into the discussion tonight.

That's a Riccardo Freda film.
-Mm-hmm.

-Right, bring in the perverts.

Look at them carefully
and see if you recognize anyone.

The murderer could have gone
back to the gallery that night

to see if Mrs. Ranieri was dead.

And we can't rule out
the possibility

that he is a pervert.

Aldo Sarti, age 42.
Eight convictions.

Sandro Lorrani, age 35.
Exhibitionist.

12 arrests.

Mario Zandri, age 66.
Four convictions.

Giacomo Rossi, age 50.

Three convictions for corrupting
the morals of minors.

Rupatelli Luigi,
alias Ursula Andress...

-No, no. Petrini!
-Yes, Inspector?

-What's this character
doing here?

How many times do
I have to tell you

Ursula Andress belongs
with the transvestites,

not the perverts?

-I should hope so.
-Thank you.

-Now, if you come with me,
Dalmas.

I have something interesting
to show you.

We have subjected this glove

to a thorough
microscopic examination

and have managed to come up
with a few interesting facts.

For example,
the bloodstains

are of the same group
as Monica Ranieri's.

We can deduce that the murderer
was wearing it at the time.

See these grains?
They're tobacco ash,

from which we can tell
he smokes expensive cigars.

In fact, we can go further.

The traces of tobacco
his fingers left on the glove

are characteristic
of Havana cigars.

Now, look at this here.

It was our most
exciting discovery.

Microscopic particles of a
particular type of fiber

made only in England.

We found it inside.

-Well, that's a good
start anyway.

Basically what it
really means is this.

We now know with certainty

that he is a man
who smokes cigars,

who dresses with elegance and
who is above all left-handed.

This we've been able to deduce
from the wear on the glove.

Our next move is
to feed these facts

that our technicians discovered

and other relevant information
straight into the computer

and get the result.

Have you done that yet?
-Yes, sir. All ready.

-Good, then we'll have a look.

This is an outline
of the man we are after,

reconstructed with an accuracy
of plus or minus 10%.

In a moment will follow
the first personal data.

Statistically speaking,
the description could fit

approximately 150,000
inhabitants of this city.

Of those, most of the ones
we feel are most likely

are already in jail.

-Well, what are you waiting for?
-Ha.

You think it's easy to check
the alibis of 150,000 people.

Look, I --
I've got nothing to go on.

It's only a hunch
but I'm convinced

that you really did see
the murderer's face that night.

-But I told you if there
is one thing I'm convinced of --

-Concentrate, Mr. Dalmas,
please.

Try to remember what you saw.

-No, it's no use.

I've run through it
over and over again.

I can't get it out of my head

but I can't manage
to pin it down either.

Monica Ranieri
has left the hospital

and returned to her apartment.

The Via Bruxelles, number 35.

-Can I go now?
-Mm-hmm.

-What floor?
-Third.

-I'm really sorry, Mr. Dalmas,
but my wife can't see anybody.

She's in bed under sedation
at the moment.

You understand,
after what she's been through.

What did you want
to speak to her about?

-Oh, nothing much.

I -- I just wanted to talk
to her about that evening.

You see, I'm convinced I
saw something

that might lead to
the attacker's capture.

I wanted to check

what I remember with what
your wife remembers.

-My wife has already
told the police

everything she knows
on various occasions.

I can see no reason
for subjecting her

to that ordeal again.

-I see.

May I ask you an
irrelevant question?

-Certainly.

-How tall are you?

-6"1', I think. Why?

I...
Nothing, just curious.

-Anything else?
-No.

And...I apologize
if I've disturbed you.

Looking for your cigarettes?
-Yes.

-Here.

I'll...be seeing you,
Mr. Ranieri.

-There, didn't I tell you
not to bet on that horse?

-One's no good.
You've got to get two or three.

-Our first victim.
-Right.

-A sales girl
in an antiques shop.

She left at the same time
every evening

and was found murdered
in a park.

-Park?
-It was a mile and half

from the shop in the opposite
direction from her home.

-This is the first question.
-What?

-Why so far away
and why in a park?

-Well, she could have gone
to meet a boyfriend there.

Second victim.
She was a prostitute.

She was killed under a bridge
where she took her clients.

They suspected her pimp.
His name is Garullo

but his alibi
turned out to be iron clad.

-Where can I find this Garullo?

You can't. He's in jail.

At least he was
until a month ago.

-Great.

Okay, number three.
-Number three...

That was the student.
-Student?

-She was killed on her way home
from the movies.

-Movies?
-Okay?

Enough?

-Okay, we start with the first
one. The antiques shop.

-Good morning.
-Oh, good morning.

-Can I help you?

-Er, yes.
I'd like to see some --

-Ah, yes,
you're interested in porcelain.

-Oh, I...
-You have marvelous taste.

These pieces are beautiful.

-Er...
-Simply divine.

-How much is this one?
-300.

-Oh...
-Oh, but I won't be

unreasonable about it.

Not with you.
-Erm...

My goodness.

Isn't this the shop
where that girl worked?

-Pardon?
-The girl who was murdered.

-Ah. The poor, poor girl.

What a terrible way to end?
-What was she like?

-Oh, a lovely girl, but
a little unusual, you know.

-Oh?
-Well, yes.

It was said
that she preferred women.

-Oh.
-I couldn't care less.

-Of course not.

-I'm no racist,
for heaven's sake.

I remember that night
as if it were yesterday.

We hadn't made a sale all day.

Then just before we closed,
we sold a painting.

It was in the window.
-Did you make the sale?

-No, the poor girl did.
I was checking the books.

And then she went out
without even saying goodnight.

Soon after, they found her.

-Um, what was the painting?
-Oh, it was strange.

It was naive but macabre
at the same time.

-Would you like to see it?
-You still have it?

-Oh, I've only a copy of it.
A photo.

-Oh, I would like
to see it, yes.

-I'll show you.

Let me see...
Oh, here it is.

-Can I borrow this?
-No, no, no.

No, we don't normally
allow it.

-Please.

Hey, what's wrong?
-I don't know.

That painting, it bothers me.

What is it?

-It's a photo of a painting
that's somehow

mixed up in these murders.

-Looks a bit perverted to me.

-Uh-huh?
-Hmm.

Darling.

-Oh, it gives me the shivers.

-Something wrong, Miss?
-No, nothing. Thanks.

Goodnight.
-Goodnight, Miss.

No! No!

No!

No!

-And so black gloved killer
removing the panties

as he kills the girl
from the racetrack.

After the famous scene
where Inspector Morosini

shouts bring in the perverts!

And then gets irritated
when they bring in,

"Ursula Andress," who should be
with the transvestites,

not with the perverts.

We have a lot of tropes
to deal with

as we begin the
"Battle for the Black Glove."

So let's flip a coin
to get to a starting place.

Here are the rules.

Each team will have
one minute to make your case.

We will alternate team
members according to the topic.

The opposing team will
then have one minute to rebut.

Then we will have two minutes
of free-for-all rebuttal,

in which everybody is encouraged
to passionately defend your man.

And at the end of that time,
we'll apportion 10 points.

You can win all ten points,
or in the case of a tie,

five to each team

or any combination of
point awards adding up to 10.

Okay, Darcy.
-Yes?

-You have the coin.
-I do.

-Toss the coin.

Okay.

-What the heck?
-It is heads, Team Bava.

Uh, Team Bava will go first,

and that will be you, Troy.

This movie started out
with an extreme close up

of the hands of the black glove,

black-gloved killer planning a
murder and caressing his knives.

What's the significance
of the black gloves?

And how does
that trope belong to Bava?

-Well, it's appropriate we
should be going first with Bava

because he is the best one.

But also in this context,

I think it's, uh, it is
the iconic image of the giallo.

I think if -- moments
you say giallo to anybody

who knows anything
about these movies,

you picture the -- the gloves,
the black gloves,

always that sort of
fetishistic imagery about that.

And Bava, well, certainly
we have black gloves

in "Blood and Black Lace,"
but all the way back,

the very first Italian
horror film of the sound era,

he works on a film
called "I Vampiri" back in 1956.

And although it's not a giallo,
it does have giallo elements,

including a killer
with black gloves.

So there you go.

-And you're saying Bava was
in charge of those black gloves?

-I think that's
definitely something

that he brought to the table,

and definitely something

that would become
a recurring element.

And yeah, it is, again,

I think it is the defining image
of this genre.

-Okay. Claire, you have
one minute to respond.

-Well, Bruno Forzani,
who's the co-director

of the Neo-giallo "Amer"
and "Strange Colour

of Your Body's Tears,"

said something
I really agree with about

how when the killer is
unmasked at the end of a giallo,

it's disappointing
because this archetypal being

that's almost like a Cenobite

with this steel phallus
and leather flesh

and it has no face.

It's the embodiment
of a certain kind of rage

that is the product
of radical cultural change.

And that's where
the giallo comes from.

It comes from
the extreme cultural tumult

that was happening
really all over the world,

but certainly in Italy.

And that creature,
that anonymous,

black-swathed creature
should embody that.

Once it goes back
to being human,

it's not quite as interesting,

even if the solution is
pretty interesting.

-You're saying Argento
gets the -- gets the call

because of his --
does the rage better?

-Yeah.
-He does the rage

of the black gloves better.

-Yeah,
I think we just saw that.

-Okay. Alright.
Claire, thank you.

And now --
now we're going to have

the two-minute dogpile session
of the --

of the debate
where anybody can talk

-Well, if you want
to talk about rage,

I mean, look at the killings
in "Blood and Black Lace,"

how physical they are.

I mean, it's incredibly strong,
I think, uh,

stronger than anything in
"Bird with the Crystal Plumage."

-So you're saying the Bava
killer is not weaker than the,

uh, than the Argento killer?
-Not at all.

But some of those Bava
killings are done by, like,

a reluctant person who's doing
it for sort of personal reasons.

This is something I'd like
to talk about a lot more later,

is like the motivation
really matters.

And it should be sick and
twisted and perverted and hard

for the average person
to relate to.

And I think Argento
killer has that going in spades.

-That is something that
Argento brings to the genre.

When you look at Bava,

you're seeing people
are motivated by things

like sex and money and so forth.

When you look at Argento,

because he was such
a mixed up guy.

I mean, we don't
need to go into it all here,

that he did actually bring
a Freudian sort of

psychological stuff.

And I think that's because he is
himself twisted, malformed,

barely able to function
in society.

-Whoa.

-For once,
I agree with you, Lars.

-Are you arguing
for Argento from the Bava team?

-I'm arguing that Dario Argento
is barely functional

as a human being...

...which makes him
more able to get into

this sort of murdering mindset.

-Oh, wow.
-Wow.

-Okay.
-You know he wore the gloves

and he's still alive?

-Yeah,
I know he wore the gloves,

but he's a tiny little man.
-You might want to spin

in circles as you leave the lot.
-He has smaller hands than,

I don't know, the president
of the United States.

-Oh.
-Is that possible?

-You're about
to get the whistle.

-We're -- We're talking
about Dario's hands?

-Yeah.

Because he, famously,
he would -- he would do --

-He wore the black gloves
in his movie.

-He wore the black gloves.
-So those black gloves,

if they're full of rage,
were Dario's hands.

-They were always small gloves.
-Raging hands.

-Bava's gloves were big.

-You see these gloves?

If these gloves do not fit,
you must acquit.

Oh, no.

And I'm telling you,
watch this right now.

-Yeah, it's true.
-They don't fit.

-Okay.
-What?

-It was the O.J. trial.
Look it up.

It was a whole thing.

Alright. Anybody else?

You got to do better
on the whistle.

-Well, no one really earned the
whistle yet.

I was just practicing.

-Okay.
By the way,

that is Suzy Kendall as the,
uh, girlfriend Julia.

One of the most popular
Brit actresses of the '60s.

And she became
internationally known

with her prominent role
in "To Sir, with Love" in 1967.

She plays the supportive
teacher trying

to help Sidney Poitier out,

and she was probably
best known at the time

this movie was made
as the wife of Dudley Moore.

She was in the tabloids
all the time.

She's also in one
of the best giallo films,

Sergio Martino's "Torso."

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

-Alright.
-You got points for that one.

-So, um, are you
going to, uh...
-This is your system.

-You're going to post
the score?

-Yes.
-Alright.

Since we're 32 minutes
in the movie,

we should probably do
one more trope,

um, and, um, t--

-Keep talking.
-Go ahead

and announce the score.

And, uh, Team Argento is going
to go first on the next trope.

And, uh, Sam,
one of the knocks on Argento

that has followed him
throughout his life

is that he is a misogynist,

that he enjoys fetishizing
the death of women.

So, um, it's now --

We gave Argento the round,

uh, partly because you cratered,
Lars.

But okay.

So true or false?

Uh, is -- is Argento misogynist,

and does that affect
the enjoyment of the film?

-Uh. thank you, Joe Bob.

I'm certainly most qualified
to answer this.

False.
-That's false.

-Um, I don't know him
personally,

but I think the language
of "Crystal Plumage"

is in empathy with women

and aware of the dangers
women face in

and around Italian society.

I think the structure
of the suspense

is entirely about investing
you in the danger

and the outcome of their lives,

and I don't think
if you were taking pleasure

in their murders,
he could concoct scenes

that would make you invested
in that outcome.

-Okay. Lars rebuttal on that?
-Yeah.

I also -- I think that the world
at large is misogynistic.

And so, uh,
particularly at this time,

I mean, I don't know if it's
more or less misogynistic now.

It kind of seems
to be kind of about the same,

but the -- the incentives,

commercial incentives
were to make movies

that men would
go and pay and see.

And so it was generally
sort of thought

that men wanted to see
beautiful women being murdered.

I'm not sure
why that was the case,

but it's certainly something you
see in a lot of giallo films.

I don't think Argento,
uh, himself was a misogynist.

He certainly made films
in partnership

with Daria Nicolodi
and made, uh,

had a lot of strong
female characters.

So I don't think it's true
that he was.

I also don't think it's true
that Bava was.

So I just think that it's, uh,

it's an unfair sort
of standard to say,

like society's misogyny,

you know, affects the commercial
considerations for these films.

-Didn't Argento say
something like,

it's more interesting
to watch -- watch --

watch a woman get killed
than a man?

-It's more interesting
to watch a woman

do most almost anything than a
man generally, I would say.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Thank you.
And now anybody can talk.

We're in the free-for-all
portion

of the -- of the debate
on misogyny.

Now, I'm surprised
that we're getting

so much defensive Argento here

because he has gotten hammered
over the years

for exactly this issue,

more so than
really most filmmakers,

including other filmmakers
who may deserve it more.

-The thing is, Joe Bob,

is that when
so many people see the films,

which they do because he's
a very, like I said,

the very basic sort of target,
kind of down the middle movies,

then more people are
going to have comments on it.

-Okay. What about you, Troy?
What do you think?

-Oh, I don't think he is.

I don't think that he is either.

Actually, I don't think, um,

the guy who's more problematic
for a lot of people is Fulci.

And I don't think
that that's true either.

-Is that because of the
characters or because of the way

he treated actresses on his set?

-He treated men pretty
rottenly too, has to be said.

-Kind of like this set.
-Yeah. Well, yeah, that's true.

I've been abused
the whole time I've been here.

So yeah, I understand that.

Um, no, I don't -- I think it's
a knee jerk sort of reaction

because of the commercial
demands of the marketplace,

uh, putting women into these,

uh, sensational images
and things like that.

So people assume
that they are misogynist

or coming from misogynist place.

I don't think they are, though.

-Who does
Women characters better?

-Both Argento.

If you look at, uh, Bava's
films like

"Blood and Black Lace,"
which we were discussing,

let's, you know.

But if you look at
later Bava films

he's doing, like
"Lisa and the Devil."

He's doing some
really interesting --

had some really interesting,
Well-rounded female characters.

-"The Whip and the Body."
-Claire, you have

have to talk about this one.

You're the only woman
on the panel.

-Forced to.
I was waiting for permission,

Joe Bob, thank you.

And that's all
I really had to say.

But no, Argento said
that about "Bird" specifically,

that it is so sexually violent
because that was

how he felt about what he saw
in society at the time.

And I think
when he says that thing about

how much more interesting it is
to watch a beautiful woman die

than anyone else,
he's trying to annoy people

who accuse him of that without
the slightest hint of irony.

And I don't think anybody
can really be a misogynist

who does such incredibly great
older female characters.

-And you think they're better
than -- than Bava's females?

-Yes.
I don't often think

of the people in Bava movies
as being like human.

One of my problems with, uh,
"Blood and Black Lace"

is that there's so many
fucking people in it.

I, like, I don't even
know who they are

after a certain point.

It's like a whole sports team.

Who are these people?
What are they doing here?

-I always hate it when they
don't change their hair color.

Too many people
with the same hair color.

Alright, time on that round.

Uh, Darcy, go ahead
and post the score.

And now we're going back
to the movie.

Um, I should say
in some territories,

the panty removal shot
was deleted.

They didn't mind the murder,

but they did mind
the killer taking the panties

off of the dead woman.

Where are you on panty removal,
Darcy?

-Panties are there
to be removed.

-Alright.
Before or after death?

It doesn't matter?

-I mean, it depends on
how kinky you are, honestly.

-Okay. Alright.

-Do you want me
to do this or not?

I don't know.
-Yeah, go ahead. No. go ahead.

I'm sorry.
Sorry to bother you.

Okay.

-Alright. How kinky is "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage?"

-I would say it's
very kinky for its day.

-Okay.

And of course, we endorse that
here at "The Last Drive-In."

-We do.
-Okay.

And so the --
-I'm getting to it.

Gosh.
-Alright.

So the score is 12-8.

-Spoilers.

-Partly because
everyone kind of agreed

that Argento is
not a misogynist.

And so his -- his
female character stood up

to the Bava female characters.

-Tell me something.
Is it really necessary?

-What?

-Running around,
playing the detective.

-Hm.
-Isn't it slightly ridiculous?

And rather dangerous, too?

-No.
-Thank you.

-Besides, I have a feeling
that I'm closer to the truth

than either one of us realizes.

What's happening to me?

This damn thing
is turning into an obsession.

Who is it?
-Morosini.

Ah, hello.

How are things?
-Fine, come in.

-For a minute, I thought
I'd got the wrong address.

Doesn't anyone else live
in this building now?

-No, they're going
to tear the building down soon.

My lease doesn't run out
until next week.

So, I'm staying on.

-Ah-ha.

-Care for a coffee?
-Ah, thanks, I would.

In fact, it's just what I need.

I've been up all night.

Ah, thanks.

Thanks.

-How come?
-Eh?

Ah.

Here.

-When?
-Last night.

A blonde. 28.
Lived alone.

The usual blank wall.

No clues.
No tie-in with the other three.

The press are beginning
to put two and two together.

They think they see a link
between the four murders.

-Oh, Julia,
this is Inspector Morosini.

-Good morning.

Excuse me, I think we've met
somewhere before?

-No, I'm sure we haven't.
-Hey, look at this.

-Not another!

-As you may have
suspected, Mr. Dalmas,

I'm afraid there is
an ulterior motive for my visit.

I would like you to come down
to headquarters with me.

-Why don't you just
leave him alone?

-No, Julia.
This is serious.

-He isn't even Italian and
you're making him risk his life.

Somebody has already
tried to kill him once.

And what makes you so sure
they won't try again?

You're blackmailing him.

You're hanging onto his passport

and at the same time
you're appealing

to his humane instincts.
-Julia.

-Shall we go?

-Take care, won't you?

-I'm sorry.

Alright, alright. Now then.
-Now then nothing.

I've gone over and over it.
Absolutely nothing.

I saw them struggling
on the mezzanine.

That's as far as I get.

I can't think of anything else.

But I know there's something.

-Thanks.
-What are your plans?

Think I'll stick around
for a while.

-Need any help
for your investigations?

-I thought I was being followed.

-Oh, for your own protection.

-Yes, I would like some help.

I'd like to see
that pimp, Garullo.

-Oh, that's easily arranged.

-Inspector, they've arrived
for the television interview.

-Very well. Now it's my turn
to make a fool of myself

in front of a few
million television viewers.

-What'll you say?
-I don't know.

I'll make up some
spectacular lies...

That, briefly,

For the moment, I can only say

which I'm sure will soon

I urge all citizens

and report anything suspicious

Thank you.

Get back to me as soon

as you can and let me know
if you need anything else.

Inspector Morosini.

-Hello?

I wanted you to

your talk on

-Who's this?

you are all so anxious to find?

The unknown

-Quick, record the call
on Morosini's line.

-You haven't got a clue.

You know that and so do I.

It isn't right

And to prove your threats

I'm telling you now:

You'll have a fifth murder

before the end of the week.

Hello?

-Careful, keep it upright.
It's very heavy.

-Yes, it's very interesting.

Certainly one of the best
examples of cosmic art.

But we never stand still.

In fact, in a couple of days

we're opening a new show
of sculptures.

-You'll be changing everything?
-Oh, yes.

These sculptures will all
be replaced by others. Yes.

-Mr. Ranieri.
-Yes.

-Would you mind having
a look just to check

the position, please?

Yes, I'll be with you.

Ah, will you excuse me?

-Of course.
-It's been nice seeing you here.

-Nice to see you, too.

-I want to thank you for what
you did for me that night.

You know they told me,
if you hadn't been there

that mad man
would have killed me.

I'm better now, but...

It was so frightening that I --
I don't know

if I'll ever quite forget it.
-Monica.

Monica, please come here.

-Thank you.

-Oh, not at all.
-Goodbye, thanks.

-Look, what do you think
of placing it like this?

It's not perfectly vertical

but from below
you can see it better

and the points
catch more light this way.

-Yes, of course.
You're right.

-Yeah, she was my girl, so long.

-Where are you going?

-You, you said "so long."

-I always say that.

I -- If I don't, I stutter.

-Oh, I see.

-What do you want to know?

-I'm trying to help --

trying to help the police
find the killer.

That's good, so long,

but I don't know
what to tell you.

They picked me up a
week after Rosita was murdered.

Poor kid, and here I am in jail.

And those poor girls
having to get along without me.

No protection, with that
m-monster loose on the streets.

-What have they got you in for?

-Nothing!
I was framed.

They got it in...
for me, so long.

They say I'm aiding
and abetting prostitution

but I'm innocent.
Look at me.

Do I...
look like a pimp?

No! Look me straight
between the eyes and tell me,

do I look like a guy
who exploits women?

Of course, I've got
nothing against

accepting a little present,
now and then.

You know what I mean?
-Sure.

Hey, look.
Can you give me any help?

-I'll tell you
one thing for sure.

It was nobody
in my bank, so long.

We don't play those games.

It must have been some rich guy.

You know, a gentleman.

They're the ones
that get those kinds of ideas.

-So you see these guys
have a particular code of honor,

which is very different
from anything anybody else has.

And this particular guy...

-That man's been following
us for hours.

-He's Morosini's man.
He's our bodyguard.

So anyway, it would be appear
that this guy,

"So Long," has got a kind of...

Hey, taxi!

-Oh, well, I feel like walking.
-Excellent.

-So Long's philosophy is that
he expects everything from women

and nothing from men.

Stop! Stop!

No! No!

-Come on. Run!

-Alright, you wait here.

-Come on. Quick.
It's me they are after.

You can get away.
Call Morosini.

-Run.

-Hey, there's a guy
with a gun after me.

-I don't see anyone.
-Look, there he is.

-Where is he, huh?

-Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson!

Mrs. Johnson!

-Excuse me. Have you seen
a man with a yellow jacket

and a blue cap?
-Er, yes, sir.

-Where did he go?
-In there.

-Come on now, you guys.

It's about time
we began talking

about some
of the problems we face.

Oh, come on! Come on!
Pipe down will you.

There's the problem
of insurance coverage

and indemnity
for permanent disability.

Oh, come on, you guys!
Come on, listen to me.

-He had a glass jaw.

-So the man in the yellow jacket
trying to kill Sam Dalmas

is Reggie Nalder,

and the way
he was cast in the movie

is that Dario Argento saw him,

by sheer chance on the street,

recognized him as the assassin
in Alfred Hitchcock's

"The Man Who Knew Too Much"

and thought,
"Wow, if that's really him,

who better than to hire as
the hitman in a yellow jacket?"

So he actually stalked him,
chatted him up,

and despite Nalder's hesitation,
he hired him for the role.

Okay, the Battle for
the Black Glove continues.

Bava versus Argento.

And the next topic is music.

If you're wondering
how you get Ennio Morricone

to do the score
for your very first movie,

the answer is, "A,"
you work on Sergio Leone's

"Once Upon a Time in the West"
as a screenwriting assistant

and, probably more important,

"B," you have a daddy who's
an influential movie producer.

One thing we should
probably point out

is that the budget for "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage"

was about $500,000,

and the budget
for "Blood and Black Lace"

was about half of that.

But one thing that distinguishes
both films is exciting music.

So who did it better?
Lars, you're up next.

-You know, I got to say.

Ennio Morricone
is a household name.

Carlo Rustichelli --
not a household name.

I think that's safe to say.

We all know Ennio Morricone.

But what we may not really know
unless we're experts,

you know, which we all are,

is that Carlo Rustichelli,

uh, was an absolute master
of multiple styles.

And I will say Dino Risi,
who made "Il Sorpasso,"

thought he was good enough
for his movie,

which is now a masterpiece.

Clearly the Criterion
Collection and everything.

Billy Wilder, who I think
we might all agree

knew a thing or two
about movies,

hired Carlo Rustichelli
for "Avanti!"

So Rustichelli
really knew his stuff.

Now, Argento -- a portrait
in efficiency, I will say.

Morricone.

Morricone was able to go in
and go to the piano,

write a couple of figures,

throw it to his assistant,
Bruno Nicolai,

and say, "Bruno, go do the
score. I'm going to go..."

And he had some other stuff
he had to do.

Do grocery shopping.

-Bruno Nicolai would
actually go through and...

-Right.
-Okay.

-Enough of that.
-Time's up, Lars. Okay.

-Given the importance of music
to the giallo,

which filmmaker
had the better score?

Sam, rebuttal.

-Uh, it's Argento.
It's Morricone.

Uh, again, this is the film
that crystallized

what the giallo is
and would become.

And Morricone's score,
fusing jazz and rock, builds...

You can see it building to all
of the folks that would come in,

uh, most notably Goblin,
where it would go from there.

I think it's so clear.

The music is beautiful.
It's listenable. It's exciting.

It feeds into the suspense in a
way that I don't think it does

in "Blood and Black Lace."

It's easy. It's Morricone.
-And Nicolai.

Let's -- Can we just give
Bruno Nicolai some credit here?

-Bruno Nicolai needs his due.
-Yeah.

Bruno Nicolai was doing
a lot of the work

on this kind of stuff.

I mean, Morricone --
wonderful at selecting themes,

wonderful at giving
a general mood to this,

but we really aren't talking
about Bruno Nicolai

as the composer to that stuff.

And he did a fine job.
It's okay.

It works in the context
of that film.

Uh, but I think
you look at Carlo Rustichelli

and you see what he was doing
with popular music,

with Latin beats,
with bossa nova beats.

He's really capturing

the sophistication
of the time period.

He's really capturing
these, uh, cosmopolitan...

...morally empty,
uh, existential...

-Listen to the whistle!
-Let him finish. Let him finish.

-You said 10 seconds!

-...alienated people.
Okay. No. I got it.

-No, no.

-I just needed
enough time to win.

Do you think --

Do you think that if giallo
had happened six years earlier,

all the scores would
have been jazz scores?

-Well, I think all the scores
that needed to convey

a sort of aristocratic
alienation and emptiness would.

Because that was really
what Rustichelli is doing.

It's very much like
"Il Sorpasso."

What he's doing there
is he's conveying

an empty world
of broken and aimless

and spiritually, uh,
you know, corrupt people.

-Okay.
-Yay.

-Everybody can talk now.
Go ahead.

-I think that Rustichelli
is a composer

who definitely doesn't get
the recognition

and the appreciation that he
deserves from a lot of people

because obviously Morricone
is the easy choice.

I mean, he's the big name.
Everybody knows who he is.

Tarantino has used his music,
you know,

so it's the easy answer.

But I think
if you dig a little bit deeper,

you can see the genius of what
Rustichelli was doing.

-And we're digging.
-Alright.

-We're digging.
-Alright.

We're tallying up the landed
punches in that exchange.

But I want to just mention
that Inspector Morosini

is played by
Enrico Maria Salerno,

who was also well known
as an actor,

but was also known as a guy who
collaborated with the fascists

during World War II and served
prison time because of that.

We're going back to the movie.
Roll the film.
And Tony Musante --

Oh, I wanted to talk about that.
Tony Musante is the actor
playing Sam Dalmas,

and he's in just about
every scene in the movie,

and he's one of several actors

that Dario Argento did not get
along with in his long career.

But Musante was the first one
that he didn't get along with,

and it seems to be because
he was a New York method actor

and kind of quirky.

And he showed up at Argento's
apartment one night

at 3:00 a.m.,
pounding on the door,

wanting to discuss the movie,

and Argento was terrified
and never forgave him.

Never.

In the '90s,
when they started having

retrospective screenings

of "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage"

at prestigious film festivals...

Maybe you guys showed it
at the Alamo.

Um, Argento would
make sure all the actors

except Tony Musante
were invited to the screenings,

and he was kind of proud
of the fact

that he still felt that way
after 30-plus years.

That's how much he did not
like Tony Musante.

Wow. Brutal.

-Argento...

Argento --
He's a complicated guy.

-That's true.
-Yeah.

-I mean,
he's not
that
complicated.

-Okay. Anyway,
Tony Musante made

quite a few movies in Italy,

but he never quite
broke through as a star.

He worked in theater
most of his life, died in 2013,

but he was quite good
at not remembering

what he saw at the art gallery.

-Yes, he was.
-At the end,

I'll explain
why that's important.

Actually, I'll let Team Bava
explain why that's important.

Because I'm going to go
right down the middle on this.

But, uh, right down
the middle is boring,

and so that's why
we're going to decide tonight,

once and for all,
who wins this battle.

And the score is
Argento, 18, Bava, 15.

-Explain your logic.
What's your reasoning? Why?

-Well, that was a draw.

That was a sheer draw.

I mean, it's like
we were talking about music

from two different worlds

and both made a good argument
for their team.

-Good work.
-That was a 5-5 round.

-He died without
regaining consciousness.

Fractured spine and skull.

Do you think you
could recognize him?

-I didn't see his face clearly.

-I want every man
at that convention tracked down.

I don't care a damn
where they are.

I want photographs,
criminal records,

all the particulars you can dig
out for me right here going.

Oh, and one other thing.
I want two of our top men

detailed to cover
the two behind me.

They are to be watched
day and night.

I'm very sorry to have
got you into this mess.

Take my advice.

Go back to the United States.

-I feel that I'm getting closer
to the truth every minute.

The murderer is obviously
of the same opinion.

That's why he's trying
to kill me.

The more he tries,
the more he risks discovery.

-Stop. Let's see
your driver's license.

-I'm trying to arrange things

so we can spend
a weekend together.

I love you.
-Me too.

-Bye.
-Bye, Gina.

Aah!

-Those...sons of bitches.

They really tried
to get you so long.

-Yeah.

And I want to find him.

-Yeah. Sure.
I'll help you so long.

Um, let me think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it.
I know the guy for you.

-Who?
-Um, he ain't cheap,

but, um, there's nothing
he don't know.

-Okay.

-Hey. This is strictly
between you and me.

No...

police so long.
-Police.

-Don't worry.

-Call the Caramba Pool Hall
and ask...

...for Faiena.

Tell him So Long sent you.

Elevator.

Get an elevator. Huh?

-Who are you?
-I'm Faiena.

-Faiena?! Come on in!

-We couldn't just meet in a bar.

Oh, no. Five flights.
I gotta walk up and meet.

Who's that, eh?

-Oh, she's a friend.
You can trust her.

Here. Sit down.

No.

Hey. Now, get this straight.

-I don't know anything.

I don't know anybody.

And I ain't seen anything.

What do you want to know?

-The other night,
around 11:00,

someone tried to kill me
with a pistol and silencer.

And he got away
and went to the Lux Hotel.

What's the matter?

-This place bugged?

- No.
- Now, listen to me.

There was a convention of
ex-prize fighters in the hotel.

He was dressed like one.

-You want to turn him in?
Is that it?

-No. I just want to talk.

-Can't help you.

-Hundred.

-Hundred what?

-100,000.

-Oh. Yeah.

-Oh! Come on.

-30, 40, 60, 70, 80, 90...

Here.

-No. Keep it.

-10, 20, 30, 40, 50,
60, 70, 80, 90, 100.

-Uh, when will I hear from you?

-Never!

Maybe tomorrow morning.

-Hello?

-Yes?

-Get smart, Mr. Dalmas.

Take my advice.

Stop playing detective.

That was a warning yesterday.

Wasn't it enough?

-Uh, what do you suggest I do?

-Go back to America.

Forget about the murders.

There is a limit

-Uh, who's speaking?

-Is the girl there with you?

-Yes.

-She's very young.

Would you like her to die?

Because if you

I will kill her.

Go back to America.

Forget about the murders.

There is a limit to...

-Did you hear
that creaking sound?

-Hm.
-I want to know what it is.

What makes a sound like that?

It's all we've got to go on.
-I'll find out.

-Well?

What are you going to do now?

-I don't know.

It was simpler when I had
only myself to think about.

Damn painting. There's got to
be a lead there somewhere.

-Maybe the woman
looks like the first victim.

-It's too roughly drawn.
Could be anybody.

-Hello?

-This is Faiena.

But if you're interested,

there's an ex-fighter

He might possibly

Lives not far from your place.

Via Angiolieri 39.

-Via Angiolieri 39.

Hello?

Hello?!

-Anyone home?!

-Okay.
They always have that shot.

Both Argento and Bava.

The shot of the dead person
like an object of art.

Uh, welcome back to
the Battle for the Black Glove.

We had a score correction.

Uh, we actually --
We got both scores wrong.

Instead of 18-15,
it was 17-13...

-Whatever.
-...because the last round

was a 5-5 round.

This is the Battle
of the Black Glove.

Features the smartest people
in the world decoding the issue

what is the
giallo foundation film?

Uh, is it "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage,"

which we're watching now,

or is it "Blood and Black Lace"
made six years earlier,

which will be
our second feature tonight?

One thing gialli
are known for...

I like to say "giallos."

It just sounds weird to me
to say "gialli."

One thing gialli are known
for is having a lot of

rich, psychotic people
in the cast.

Poor psychotic people, too,
but not so much.

But there's the implication
that maybe the richer you are

or the more you're part
of the social aristocracy,

the crazier you are.

And a lot of people
we're seeing in this movie

tonight seem slightly off.

You know, the antique-store guy,
the art-gallery owner.

And so, Claire, it's gonna
be your turn to start this off.

Make the argument that nobody
does psycho better than Argento.

-Well, Argento
is obsessed with Freud.

Like, so obsessed with Freud

that he brags
about this pilgrimage

that he made to Zurich.

And, like, he saw Freud's couch
and everything,

um, which is really funny.

And he does this sort of, uh --

In every one of his movies,
there's the primal trauma.

He loves to say that, you know,
family is the root of all evil.

And, um --
But these are just factoids.

I think everybody watching
this show kind of knows that.

Uh, and I love the implication
that rich people --

Listen, if you're poor, you need
to spend your time and energy

working for a living.

If you're rich, you have time

to cultivate
disgusting perversions.

But, also, this really
has to do again with, like,

the, um -- an eruption of rage,
a kind of, uh, rupturing

between the past
and the emerging savage future.

I think that this is
what's really happening

in "Bird with
the Crystal Plumage,"

that, you know,
you've got it set in kind of,

like, the seat of high culture
and fine art for the West.

And then something
totally disgusting

is happening in among there.

-With, uh,
"Blood and Black Lace,"

it's a little, you know --
it's kind of stuck in the past.

It's almost more like
a gothic drama or something.

And then Lars was good enough...

-Are you blowing the whistle,
Darcy?

-'Cause I like
what she's saying.

Thank you.

Alright. Time is up, Claire.

Sorry. Team Bava now
has the right of reply.

That would be you, Troy.

-Yeah, I think the --
Uh, it is true to say

that Argento is the one

who brings in
the armchair Freud.

You know, he goes that route.

Whereas Bava was a lot more
interested in the whole idea

of sort of greed.

And, uh, there is a
political aspect to these films,

definitely, that they are sort
of talking about the idle rich,

you know,
the corruption among the rich

and all that sort of thing.

And very often, you know, the --

the upper crust is depicted
very negatively.

Uh, but what Bava's films
are about --

I find even more disturbing,
personally,

than the sort of
Freudian stuff --

is this element of greed,
you know?

The idea that people will --
As we know.

Pick up a newspaper.
You see it every day.

People will do anything
in order to get ahead.

People will do anything
in order to, uh,

you know, swell their banks
a little bit further.

So I find that that element,

although it's not what would
become typical in gialli

in the 1970s,
it is nevertheless, I think,

a very disturbing aspect.

-Alright.
Time is up for you, Troy.

Now anybody can talk.
Go for it, guys.

-I think it's disturbing,

the nature of greed,
the nature of corruptive power.

But on screen they tend
to play it simply deceitful,

whereas in Argento's films
they're much more

characteristically
exciting to watch.

They're weirder. They're
kookier. They're funnier
to be around.

-Right,
and this is the kind of thing

that people start describing

when you ask them
what a giallo is.

Motivations like greed and being
in love with the wrong person

or being a drug addict
or something

are frankly sort of mundane.

And the problem for me really

is that they're --
they're kind of timeless.

And what's really interesting
in the giallo

is some kind of conflict
between tradition,

like, let's say,
embodied by the aristocracy,

and what's coming out.

What's coming out of
the Years of Lead in Italy?

What's coming after the student
protests in the late '60s?

What's coming --

What kinds of frustration
and rage

are coming out when women's
liberation starts to happen?

And I think that's really
what you see in Argento's movies

that makes them special,
and most gialli

that are really bold
and stick with you

and seem emblematic
of the genre,

they have this quality.

-But who does psycho better?

Are you guys saying
that Bava does psycho better?

-I think he does, yes.

I think he cuts to the root
of, uh, you know, greed

and that idea of, you know,
the destruction of beauty

and, you know,
the sort of senseless rage

that people have.

People who have nothing
better to do with their lives

except go around and just try
to get richer and richer.

-You don't really know
who the psycho is

until the movie's over, right?

You --
Everyone is a secret psycho.

-Well, there's a lot
of neurotics all
throughout the film.

You know,
in "Blood and Black Lace,"

everybody's hiding a secret
of some kind or another.

-Alright, well,
we'll take a moment

to consider the evidence here.

I think that was another
5-5 round, actually.

Now we're going to watch
one of the most famous and most
perplexing sequences
in the movie.

Um, I think it's a trope
in Argento

that the protagonist
always has to go

into the countryside
at some point.

Is that right?
Am I right about that?

There's always a scene
that's, like, away from Rome

or away from Milan or wherever.

It's out in the country.

And it has even more
eccentric characters out there.

So roll the movie, and you'll
see what I'm talking about.

I feel sorry for anybody
watching tonight

if this is your first giallo.

-Or your first time
watching this movie.

Or this show, for that matter.

-Or watching this show.

Uh, but we're trying
to do what horror fanatics

always do -- ruining the movie
by overanalyzing it.

-Whoo! You said it, man!

-You should see the topics --

Yeah, you should see
the topics I had on our menu

that were ruled out
as too far off the subject.

-Wow. You thought something
was too far off the subject?

-Yeah, that's how sick we got
preparing for this show.

-Now look at it
on the oscilloscope.

-I wanted you to know

your talk on television

Who but the person

-Alright. Now we listen
to the other one.

-Be smart, Mr. Dalmas.

Mind your own busin...

-Notice any difference
between the two tapes?

-Sure.

The waves on the first machine

are different from those
in the second.

-Exactly. You see...

every human voice, no matter
how well it's disguised,

has a characteristic pattern

of harmonic intensities
in the vowel sounds.

Now, when we analyzed
the vowel groups

of each of these two tapes,
we made an unexpected discovery.

We found that whereas
the first group

registered at 5 decibels
on the lower range and 12 high,

when we came
to the second reading,

we discovered it only barely
registered to 4 and 10.

-And the explanation?

-The voices don't belong
to the same person.

-Are you sure?
-Absolutely.

-That means
there are two killers?

-It would seem so.

Um, unless, uh,

there's only one killer
confusing us

by dragging an accomplice in.

In that case -- it's only
supposition, of course --

he was no doubt the one
who tried to kill you.

The one you found murdered.

-And now we'll listen to the
sound you gave us to analyze.

We isolated the sound
and compared it

with hundreds of similar ones.

We've exhausted
the field of sounds

produced by
industrial machinery,

factory demolition sites,

through to electric doors,
cranes,

coin-operated machines,
domestic appliances, the lot.

But so far,
we've been unable to equate it.

-What now?

-All we can do is keep trying.

-Okay. Thank you.

-Sorry I won't be around
for the finish.

-You're leaving?

-Day after tomorrow.

I've said that before,
haven't I?

40 pages. All written
in the last few days.

If nothing else,
this little adventure

started me writing again.
-Glad to hear it!

-It's broken me loose.
Here. Pack these, too.

I'm writing frantically again.

-Whatever happened to those
leads you were following up?

-Not a damn thing.

Hey. Listen to this.

This came over the telephone.

It would have been a great lead

if we could have
figured out what it was.

-Go back to America.

There is a limit

Is the girl there with you?

-Hm.
-Hey, look! Hold it!

Let me hear it again, will you?

-...murders.

There is a limit

Is the girl there with you?

-She's very young. Very...

-I don't know.
It reminds me of something.

Ah. Oh, I guess I'm wrong.

-Great.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Leave it.
I'll do it.

-Hey!

-Ohh! Ow!

Oh, I don't believe it!

I just can't believe it.
-Believe what, huh?

-That we're leaving.

-Listen.
Why don't I take the tape?

-If I think of anything,
I'll call you.

I'll call you, eh?

So long.

-Do you know...

these are the last few hours
in this house.

Ohh.

Do you really love me?

Mm?
-Sure. Sure.

How much time have we got?

-How much what?

-How long until
the plane leaves?

-Eight hours. Why?

-Wait. That may be just enough.

-Hey! What...

What do you want to do now?

Sam?

-Uh. Hello?

Uh, is this the, uh...

-Uh, this is Sam Dalmas
speaking.

I'm the, um -- the American
who borrowed the photograph

of the painting of that murder.

-Oh, yes. I remember.

-Ah, yes. Yes.

Um, can you tell me
the name of the artist

who painted the picture?

His name is Berto Consalvi.

-Berto Consalvi.

Um, can you tell me
where I can find him?

-Yes. He lives in a town

It's about an hour

-Um, what's the name of it?

-Aviano. Thank you.
Uh, thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

-An hour and a half by train.
I can just make it.

I've got to talk
to that painter!

Now, that first girl
was murdered

just after she sold a painting
of a girl being murdered.

Now, that can't be
a coincidence.

There's got to be a connection!

I'll be gone four or five hours.
You finish packing.

There's no need to worry,
so long as you don't
leave the house.

There are two detectives
watching the front door.

Bolt the door
and don't open it for anyone.

Mmm! I love you.

-I never should have
believed you! I'm a fool!

Cut it out!

Oh, if you need anything --
and you won't -- call Nini.

You know the phone number.
No!

-Thanks for the lift.

Would have been some walk.

-You're welcome.

If you take my advice,
you'll get out of here.

The man's crazy.

You never know
what'll happen next.

-Thanks for the advice.

-Then follow it, huh?

But in case
you're minded to carry on,

I'm telling you, you needn't
go looking for the door.

It ain't no use. See?

He's walled up
the whole darn building.

Doors, windows are locked.

-There's got to be
some way of getting in.

-Yeah, there is, but it doesn't
mean he'll let you in.

I'm telling you, if your face
ain't right, he might as soon

tell you
what you can do with it.

-Huh.

-Consalvi?

Berto Consalvi!

-Go to blazes!

-I want to buy a painting!

-What do you want it for?

-For my house.

Hey!

Why did you
wall up your house?

-To keep out the busybodies!

Nobody gets in here
unless I want them to.

Besides, there's cats.

Who told you about me?

-Oh, uh, nobody.
I saw one of your paintings.

I liked it.

-Huh. What was it?

-Oh, uh, it was, uh, one about
a murderer killing a girl.

-Bah. I don't do
that crap anymore.

I'm going through
a mystical period.

I only paint mystical scenes.

-Why?

-Why? Why?
Because I feel mystical!

If it's any of
your damn business!

-No, no, no, no it's not.

-What was your inspiration
for that painting?

-You want to eat?

-Uh, yeah.

-Oh, that was a real story.

A long time ago.

-Uh, fine.

How long?

-Oh, ten years, more or less.

A maniac got hold
of a girl I knew.

Tried to cut her up.

Just stopped him in time.

Put him in an asylum for life.

Huh!

Ahh. Genius. Heh!

Hey!

You want to buy
a painting or not?

-Mm!
-Well, do you?

-Mm. Yeah.

Sure, sure.
-Come with me.

Mmm! Mmm!

I got just the thing.

Early Consalvi. Very rare. Ha!

Hey! Hey! Quick! Quick!

Shut the window! Quick!

Shut the window!
Shut the window!

Hey!

Ahh! Ha! There you are!

Gotcha!

Ha!

Blasted cats.

Crafty creatures.

There. Heh.

They always manage
to find a hole to slip through.

And they're always
away in a flash!

-Why do you keep 'em
in a cage?

-The less they move,
the fatter they get.

-Why do you want 'em
to get fat?

-Huh? Why do I want them
to get fat?

-Hm.
-I eat them.

-Oh, no.
-Why? What's the matter?

Don't you like cat?

-I don't know. I never ate any.

-Never, huh?

Yeah. Here. Take this one.

200,000.
-Oh, no.

-No? Alright. 150.

-Oh, no!

-A hundred!
-Oh, no.

-50,000!

Capitalist!

-Hello?

-Sam, where are you?

-I'm at the station in Aviano
on my way home.

-How did it go?

-Uh, well, I talked to him,
but I didn't get anywhere.

Look, there's been
a railway strike,

so I'll be about
an hour and a half late.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, don't worry.
I'll be there in time.

Everything okay?

-Yes. Carlo telephoned.

-He wanted to

He said he'd discovered

that would interest you.

-What?

I told him
you'd left me here alone...

and that I'd have him call you
as soon as you get back.

Sam.

Sam.

Sam?

-Man: You will not leave
this house alive.

-No!

Help! Help!

No!

Ohh! Ohh!

Help!

Help!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

-Julia? Julia!

Julia!

-Okay, I do hope
that during this segment

at least one of our esteemed
panelists will explain to me

the importance of
the psychotic, cat-eating,

antisocial painter
Berto Consalvi,

played by the great German
character actor Mario Adorf.

Um, Sam Dalmas
apparently believes

that his painting of a murder

is the whole key
to finding the killer,

and it's obviously
a huge side trip

at the 70-minute mark
of the movie.

What the fuck?! I mean...

At any rate, as we return to
the Battle for the Black Glove,

let's talk about camerawork,
use of color.

Gialli are famous for
being set in beautiful places

with beautiful people,

but with lurid colors that
somehow undermine the scene.

So, Troy, um, tell us
why Argento does that,

how he does that,

why Bava does it better.

-Well, I think Bava
does definitely do it better,

one of the reasons being

he has a background
as a cinematographer.

So he was very much in control
of the look of his films.

No matter who's credited
on the films as a DP,

it's always him
who's kind of controlling

the look of the movie.

So he's very much involved
in the color schemes,

this kind of very --
almost like a fashion spread

kind of an aesthetic
that goes throughout his movies.

Very vibrant. Very, um...

Very lush colors
that are very unnatural.

I mean, you'll see things that
don't make any logical sense.

Where is this purple light
coming from?

Where is this sort of
green lighting coming from?

And it has nothing
to do with realism.

It has everything to do
with creating

a specific mood,
a specific atmosphere,

and it takes great taste to be
able to do that really well.

And I think that was something
that Bava demonstrated

throughout his career.

Also, he had a background
as a painter, as well,

so that's another aspect
that's definitely true of him.

Argento, yeah, he definitely
has it in his films.

Argento is also
very visually oriented.

But I think Bava is
the more elegant filmmaker.

-Okay.

I think we've hit on a topic
that can be discussed endlessly,

but that is your cue, Claire,
to go for it.

Rebuttal.

-Listen, fellas.

I have an art-history degree
from Bard College,

and that means that I am the
world's least employable person,

so I have lots and lots
and lots and lots of time

to think about these things.

Now, this is almost like --

You know, we've been set up
and hamstrung by this

because we all know
that Argento is the master

of florid, feverish colors,

just not in this
side-by-side comparison.

Argento does something
more important here

that he works up
for the rest of his career,

which is what all
great gialli do, right?

Which is to turn murder
into fine art.

Argento literally
has made the art gallery

and the canvas
the scene of the crime.

And there's like multiple scenes
of such crimes in this movie.

And then the art
starts attacking people,

which goes on to happen, like,

maybe even more spectacularly
in "Tenebrae."

Uh, and, you know,
when there's --

as I've been harping on
again and again --

like, a major moment
of cultural revolution,

where do we first see this?

You see it in the art world.

You certainly see it
in horror movies.

-Alright. Time's up.

So everybody can chime in
on what the giallo brought

to cinematography,

in which the camera is
often one of the characters.

That's true with both guys,
I think.

And, um --
But I think it works both ways.

Beautiful women in fancy bras
photographed in death.

Right?

And then guys
like the cat-eating painter

depicted with glamour shots.

Right? Okay. Comments?

-Well, Claire,
I appreciate your point.

A concession, if you will,

that, uh,
"Bird with Crystal Plumage"

lacks, uh, some of the exciting,

um, cinematographic elements
that Mario Bava

brings to "Blood
and Black Lace."

And it's big of you
to concede the point,

and I really appreciate it.

But I do think that when you
look at Mario Bava's work,

the cinematography, uh,
the technical aspects of it

do rise to the front in a way

that Argento
never actually captured.

We never see that,
even in his later works.

-Well, I think
another big thing is budgets.

You know, when we look
at the amount of money

that was spent on these movies,

Argento's films have a
much bigger canvas to work with.

You know, whereas Bava
was pulling out

all kinds of incredible things,

using very hand-crafted,
uh, sort of...

-Wait. Which of these two guys
was the rich kid

who grew up learning how
to write checks from his father

and which was, like,
the scrappy filmmaker

who was on set with his dad

learning how to do
special effects in movies?

-There you go.
-That's Bava, right,

that was the scrappy kid?

Okay. Alright. Just making sure.
-You said it perfectly.

-I'd just like to make
a note of the fact

that in this last round
of discussion,

both of you started using
the word "big" compulsively,

and I wonder why that is.

-Ooh!
-Can't help it. Can't help it.

I mean, I think a lot of it

comes down to
big intellect, big brain.

Just all the stuff that we think
about all the time, you know?

-Wow! Getting saucy now.
-It's natural. It's natural.

-It comes naturally.
-It comes naturally, yes.

-But Argento's finding
these artful frames

in locations, right?

"Blood and Black Lace"
is beautiful

but is full of gothic artifice.

It is full of, as you noted,
unmotivated lighting,

however gorgeous it is.

When we are in the gallery
in "Crystal Plumage,"

he is creating a frame
that is kind of unmistakable,

absolutely astounding through
pieces that are already there.

-And we've all been
in art galleries

that have that bizarre setup
with those sliding glass doors.

-Well, once we win, you'll
be locked in it just like him.

-Yes. Of course.
Right. Of course.

-Oh, snap.
I feel like that's a point.

Okay.

-If you want to say so.

-Also, isn't Bava --

Didn't Bava occasionally just do
matte paintings on his own?

-He did his own
matte paintings.

-He'd just stop shooting
and do a matte painting.

And he was literally
writing on the --

He was literally drawing images
on the film.

-Yeah, he didn't get
his daddy to sign the checks

to get somebody else to do it.

-Bava was a technical --

Bava was a technical master
all around.

Uh, Argento was a guy
who was able to hire

these incredible
technical masters all around.

And there's nothing wrong
with that.

But Bava himself
was a technical master,

and Argento certainly was not.

-Yeah. Stay in your lane.
-Okay.

I'm gonna give a 6-4
to Bava on this.

Uh, 22 -- No. No. Twenty --
I'm sorry.

-Now you get it. Thank you.

-This stuff ain't easy.

-Yeah, it's gonna end up
as, um, 26-24.

-Are you sure?
-26-24.

-Are you sure about that?
-Yes.

-Alright.
-26-24.

-None of us are math majors.
-Ahh.

And now,
as we move quickly toward

the concluding chapter of "The
Bird with the Crystal Plumage"

and as we find out
the meaning of the title...

...get ready for
the controversial twist ending.

Roll the movie.

Now, normally we don't have
guests stay for the outro

of the movie, but in this case,
it's a necessity.

And actually,
I think it would be a necessity

with almost any giallo film

because how many giallos
get resolved

in the last 30 seconds
of the movie?

-A lot.
-Ernesto Gastaldi,

who I consider maybe the finest
of all the giallo screenwriters,

says giallo is a puzzle
that must never cheat.

Everything in the puzzle
leads to the reveal at the end,

and you should never guess
the reveal in advance.

But once you see the reveal,
you should say,

"Oh, yes, it couldn't
have been anything else.

That makes perfect sense."

So we're going to talk about
how well Argento

does the reveal
in his first outing.

-Also, I love "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage."

-Well, I know you do.

We all love "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage."

-But...
-No. No, no.

I mean the actual bird.

-Oh, the actual bird?
-Yes.

-The bird in the...
Okay. Do they --

Do they have a bird with the
crystal plumage in the Rome Zoo?

-They do.
-That was the Rome Zoo, right?

-Yes.
-Okay.

Are the feathers crystal?

-No, but it's still beautiful.
-Alright.

Ever since you went to
the Profondo Rosso bookstore

and made friends
with Luigi Cozzi,

you've been a goldmine
of giallo information.

-We're best friends, yes.

Um, who else is gonna do
the important detective work?

-Actually, this panel is
so nerdy, I could imagine --

-Honestly.
-I could imagine

anybody here in this room.

I can imagine anybody
going to the zoo in Rome

just to look at the bird
with the crystal plumage.

Because we're horror people.
That's what we do, right?

-Also to see the cast
of "Wild Beasts."

-Yes. That's a very
good point. Yes.

Sam?

Sam!

Ohh.

-How do you feel?

-Alright. Did they get him?

- No.
- He must have...

slipped out through the cellar
or something.

-Ohh.

What time is it?

Just after 4:30.

- No!
- You slept around the clock.

-Ah! H-Hey!
Peeping Tom! Hey?

So sorry.

You were supposed to call me,
you know.

I've got news for you.

-The phone's been out of order.

-Ah. I think I finally figured
out what that creaking sound is.

Sam, it's very peculiar.

-What is it?

It's the call
of Hornitus Nevalis,

a magnificent bird
with long white feathers

that look like glass.

-What's so strange about it?

-Well, the only place
in the world

that bird can live
is Northern Siberia.

Are you sure?

-Positive.

-How about a drink, eh?
I deserve one.

In any case,
it's almost impossible

to keep one of those birds
alive in captivity.

In fact, there's only one
specimen in the whole of Italy.

And that has to be kept --
Hey, hey, what are you doing?!

What's the matter with you?
-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You mean there is one here?
-Yes.

That's what
I'm trying to tell you.

It's practically a miracle,

but they're managing
to keep one alive.

-Where?

-Now, where else
could you keep a rare bird?

The zoo.

The cage is over that way.

Near the back of the zoo.
Over there.

-Hey. Come on.
It's quite a walk.

-Oh, it's not far now.
They have to keep it isolated.

It doesn't get along
with the other animals.

Oh. Over there.

They're going to
have to move it, though.

It can't even stand
the smell of them.

There it is!

-Ranieri!
He called from his apartment.

I remember now. The telephone's
right next to that window!

-Monica!

-Come on!
-Come on! Julia!

Open the door!

-Right. Leave it to us.

-Give me the knife!

-Don't shoot.
-Let her go!

-There's no way out.

-Give yourself up, Ranieri.

You can't get away.

-Drop the knife!

-No!
-Don't move.

There is no way out.

-No!

-Drop the knife.

-Keep away from me.

Keep away!

-That's enough!
-What has happened?

-Where'd he get you?
-Julia! Come on!

Save me!

Please. Stop.

I don't want to die!

-He's slipping.
-Help me! I don't want to die!

-I can't hold it.
I can't hold it!

Yes, it's true.

I am -- I'm the murderer.

I killed all of them.

Please take care of my wife.

She tried...

to stop me.

I loved her.

-Poor devil.

I feel sorry for him.

Morosini here.
Put me through to Homicide.

-You haven't seen the girl
I was with, have you?

-No. She was behind us
when we got to the apartment.

Isn't she here?
-No.

Have you seen her since then?

-No, I haven't.

-Thanks.

-Have you seen a girl
come by with long hair, blond?

-Yeah. She came down
a while ago.

-Are your sure?
-Yeah.

-Which way did she go?

-She ran off in that direction
with two others.

-Thanks.
-Huh.

-Blood! His head busted open
like a watermelon!

-Excuse me.
-Hey?

-Have you seen a girl go by
in that direction with, uh --

with long blond hair
and a gray raincoat

come down to about here?
-I think so. Yeah. Sure.

-Excuse me. Have you seen
a girl with long, blond hair

and a gray raincoat
down to here?

-Yes. I saw her go in there.
-In that door?

-That's what I said.

-Thanks.

This one here?
-Yeah.

Carlo. Oh, my God!

What have you done with Julia?

Answer me!

-It was you!

-That's where I went wrong.

You had the knife in your hand.

You were trying
to kill your husband,

not the other way around.

-That's what I knew I'd seen!

That's what I knew I'd seen!

-Ohh...

-Help me.

Help me!

Ha!

Now you're going to die.

You're going to die.

You're going to die.

Like all the others.

Ohh!

-Right! Come on. Quick!

One at each end!
That's it! Now lift!

That's enough.
Hold it! No, no, no!

I'll pull you. Ah. That's it.

Are you alright, Sam?
-H-How'd you find out?

-Julia.

-Julia?

-Ah.

Yes. She'll be alright.

And you.
You'll be alright too, eh?

Come on. I'll help you up.

-As Inspector Morosini,

who has been in charge
of the investigation,

has told you,
the final curtain has fallen

at last on this tragic affair

which has kept the whole city
in a state of shock.

Monica Ranieri,
hopelessly insane,

is in custody
of the psychiatric hospital.

Her husband, who loved her
not wisely but too well,

lost his life in a last attempt

to turn suspicion
away from his wife.

Inspector Morosini,

can you explain to us
what led this poor,

unbalanced creature to commit
these horrible murders?

Uh. Um.

Good evening.

Sorry.

Well, I, um --

I think the person
best qualified

to answer this question
is, uh, Professor Rinaldi,

the well-known psychiatrist
who acted as, um,

as our consultant
during the investigation.

Please, Professor,
you would explain, huh?

-Certainly.

For the moment,
we can only make conjectures.

Ten years ago, Monica Ranieri,

who had already evident
paranoid tendencies,

was brutally attacked
and suffered severe trauma.

Nevertheless,
she recovered sufficiently

to return to a normal life.

Her mental disturbance
remained dormant for 10 years

until the day
she came across a painting

which depicted
the horrible scene

of which she had been
the protagonist.

Her latent madness came to life
violent and irresistible.

Strangely, she did not identify
herself with the victim,

but with her attacker.

On order to explain
the behavior of her husband,

who attempted murder on various
occasions to protect his wife,

we must assume that he suffered
from an induced psychosis.

He was influenced
by his paranoid wife

to the point of becoming
homicidally psychotic himself.

-I can hear him saying it now.

"Go to Italy.
It's a peaceful country.

Nothing ever happens there."

-So, Darcy, you're telling us
that you saw an actual

Hornitus Nevalis
in the Rome Zoo?

-Well, the Hornitus Nevalis
doesn't actually exist.

They used a gray crowned crane.
And it's still here.

-So, really, the movie
should have been called

"The Gray Crowned Crane"?

-Yes, but it might have hurt
the box office.

-It's not like "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage"

is a "guaranteed, can't wait"
title for a film, right?

So, um, anyway, we are back with
the finale of the first half

of the Battle
for the Black Glove.

And we now know
that there were two killers,

one trying to cover up
for the other killer.

Three killers,
if you count the hitman.

Um, but we know
that what Sam Dalmas saw

on the mezzanine
of the art gallery

was Monica trying
to kill her husband,

not someone
trying to kill Monica.

So for Alberto Ranieri's

point-of-view death plunge,

Argento did something
that I've never heard of before.

A camera was dropped six stories
onto a concrete sidewalk.

The camera was destroyed,
but the footage survived.

Boy, that is hardcore.

And, uh, Monica, by the way,

was played by the German
celebrity beauty Eva Renzi,

who was considered
difficult to work with

by virtually every director
who ever used her.

Eva Renzi was famous for
her love affairs and marriages,

always in the tabloids.

Had an abusive childhood.

Troubled adulthood.
Two suicide attempts.

Lots of success
on the German stage, though,

and supporting roles
in a few big-budget '60s movies.

But she called this movie
her "career suicide."

She was mostly famous
for being famous,

but she was very convincing,
in my opinion, in this role,

the role that she hated.

Argento was notorious
for not being a plot person.

More interested in set pieces
than in logical plotting.

But Ernesto Gastaldi
called this a "cheat ending"

because Sam Dalmas
can't remember what he saw

in the opening scene
until the very end,

so it's all based on --
Gastaldi's point was that,

you know, when you do a
"Oh, I remember now" ending,

you're using a plot point
that could have been used

at any point
during the entire movie,

so you're creating suspense
by false pretenses.

So let's talk about story
versus art direction.

The viability of the illogical
storytelling in these movies.

And you're up, Sam.

-The answer, Joe Bob, is,
who cares?

-Okay.
-This is...

uh, one of the
most pleasurable thrillers,

one of the most
pleasurable giallo,

one of the most exciting
to watch.

It's the cementing of Argento.

The legacy he went on
to have after this

was not diminished
by an ending

that some may consider illogical
and some may not.

So whether the ending
is a cheat or not,

ultimately,
it doesn't fucking matter.

This movie rocks

and also leads to an incredible
explanation and motivation

that I think is also the
beginning of Argento starting

to tool around with reflexivity
and metatextual layers,

especially with respect
to the painting

and identifying with the killer,

which is an argument
that would come for decades,

especially as you enter
the slasher genre.

So it doesn't really matter.

-Okay.

Rebuttal, Lars?

-It must be nice
to have the privilege

to say a thing like that...

...to say to all
the hardworking people

who take their family out to see
maybe one movie a month,

to say,
"Oh, it doesn't matter, dude.

It's so cool!"

Those people
have invested this time

in this story, in these people.

And then it comes
to the end of the film.

And it's a completely
nonsensical like,

"Hey, you guys,
get out of the theater.

It's over.
This is how it all happened."

Everybody watching this is like,
"Well, this guy, he saw that.

That can't be
what happened, right?"

And so we're going through
all these machinations like,

"Oh, well, when they announce
the solution to this,

it's gonna be good.

It's gonna be good."
But instead, what happens?

Argento looks at it and he goes,
"Oh, it doesn't matter, guys!"

And now, 400 years later,

Sam Zimmerman says,
"Oh, it doesn't matter, guys."

It still hurts those people

who bought those tickets,

and it still hurts
audiences today.

-Does it hurt them
because they were confronted

with the fact that their
own memories are deceitful?

-Ooh!
-Ooh!

-Well, that's a wonderful way
to go back

and try to save yourself and to
save your hero, Dario Argento.

But the movie,
the ending of this movie, Sam,

still does not make sense.

Is this thing on? Yeah.

-Okay.
-It doesn't bother me.

-Alright.

Now, everyone...

Please defend or criticize
the ending where he says,

"Oh, now I remember what
happened in the first scene!"

And the controversial --

the overall plotting
of the flick.

-The point of his distorted
memory is that it's fed by cues

that we all sort of have
subconsciously,

that the woman is the victim,

that the person in white
is the good guy

and the person in black
is the bad guy.

Sam Dalmas is not just,
like, forgetting something.

He's completely
misinterpreting something

based on his own
cultural training.

That's what makes this movie
so subversive.

-What's his cultural training?

-All the things I just said.

That you automatically assume

that the woman
is the helpless victim.

You automatically associate
white with good

and black with evil.

So he didn't really interpret
what he saw.

It's not just
that he didn't remember.

-This is an amazing point,

and I would like to ask
that we cut that out.

-And furthermore, um...

I sort of wish that Argento
had been allowed

to use
his originally intended --

Well, what was gonna happen

is that Suzy Kendall
gets her head cut off.

-Mm-hmm.
-And I think that an ending

with her dying savagely

would lend a lot more meaning

to Tony Musantes whole journey
with this

and his sort of
increasing rabid,

morbid fascination

that completely supersedes,
like, his sex drive,

and it unlocks all his
creative blocks and everything.

If he gets punished for it
by this radical decapitation,

that would have been
a lot stronger.

But apparently
Tony Musante and Suzy Kendall

conspired to not have that
in the movie.

-And Argento
couldn't seal the deal.

-Troy, you got to
jump in on this.

-He dropped the ball
for sure there.

If he would have been
a stronger,

more assertive filmmaker
like Mario Bava,

he would have seen
that ending through.

He wouldn't have been
talked out of it.

It was his first time
at the camera. I get that.

I understand. But I'm not
gonna make excuses for it.

-Is the ending a cheat?

-It's a bullshit cop-out ending
is what it is.

-Is the ending of "Bird
with Crystal Plumage" a cheat?

Uh, yeah. We'll leave that
to the audience.

-Think about all
those Roman children

that went to see that film.
-I know.

-I agree. I agree.

-Right now 16 million people
are, like, laughing.

They're like, "Is that a cheat?"
Yes, of course that's a cheat.

-Of course it is.
-Alright. alright.

Um, time is up.

I think that...

I'm gonna go 6-4
to the Bavans on that.

And so that means
that would give the Bavans 30,

and it would give the, uh...

Oh, wow.

That would give, uh, Argento 30.

We're gonna end up with 30-30
at the end of the first movie.

And so -- Alright.
-It's hot in here.

-I want to add that Argento
stole most of the plot

from a 1949 crime novel
by Fredric Brown

called "The Screaming Mimi."

And, uh, even though
Argento claims

he wrote the script in five days

while doing automatic writing
in a hotel room,

it turns out
he actually wrote it

in collaboration with Aldo Lado,

who would become his
assistant director on the film

and then go on
to make films of his own,

including "Short Night
of Glass Dolls"

and one of the
most critically acclaimed

of the gialli,
"Who Saw Her Die?"

And then, of course,
I should also point out

that "The Girl
Who Knew Too Much,"

made by Mario Bava in 1963,

also has a main character who
witnesses an attempted murder

and eventually realizes
the person

she thought was the victim
was actually the attacker.

Um, so, anyway...

"The Bird with the Crystal
Plumage" was a hit in Italy.

Actually played
for three and a half years

in one cinema in Milan.

And it was a modest hit
in the rest of the world.

It started the avalanche
of gialli coming out of Italy

in the years 1970 to 1973.

But now we're gonna
fade back six years in time

to the Mario Bava film
"Blood and Black Lace"

and ask the question,

had that avalanche already
been gathering steam since 1964

and Argento just
tipped it over the edge?

Or was "The Bird
with the Crystal Plumage"

really that revolutionary?

We're kind of breaking
our format tonight.

So rather than doing a mailbag,

I'm gonna write letters.

I'm gonna speak letters
to our Team Argento panelists,

and they're gonna tell us
what they know.

So, Claire,
you run the New York branch

of the Institute
of Miskatonic Studies,

which sounds both academic
and a little goofy

because it's a take on
H.P. Lovecraft's

fictional university
where half-crazed academics

search for forbidden,
esoteric knowledge.

Is that what you're doing?

That was a lot of words.

Um, let me -- let me try
to reorder some of them.

It's the Miskatonic Institute
of Horror Studies.

It is routinely confusing
to people

that we are not a Lovecraft
specific organization.

I also run the, um --
primarily now the online branch,

which means that I can have
guests from all over the world

and connect them with audiences
all over the world.

Um, this semester I started with
an event that I like to call

"Everything you always wanted
to know about 'Nekromantik'

but were afraid to ask,"

which is a feature-length
interview

with the great Jorg Buttgereit.
-Wow.

-And then, um, November,
I have, uh, Erica Shultz,

who wrote a really terrific book
called "The Sweetest Taboo,"

which is a survey of
child deaths in horror movies.

-Okay.
-So, um, yeah.

We have all kinds of stuff.

Did that answer your question?

What was your question?
-Well, I think so.

The Institute
for Miskatonic Studies.

Go online and check it out.
Right?

-Go online and check it out.
-Okay.

And, Sam, uh, we've never
really talked about this,

but when you go
to film festivals

and film markets and film events

looking for
Shudder-worthy movies,

do you have to like the movie
before you decide to buy it?

Or do you occasionally say,
"I hate this movie,

but the horror faithful
just might go for this movie"?

-I love all of
my children equally.

-You love all movies that you --

You don't love
every movie you watch.

-The point of Shudder
and the team who works Shudder

is preferably we do enjoy
the movies we work on.

I think that is what
hopefully distinguishes us.

-Okay.

So you do have, like, your own,

like, place in your brain

where you go, "I just
can't support this movie.

Even though it might
score points with the crowd.

I just can't support
this movie."

-I appreciate
all of our films.

Okay.

-Alright. I guess that's it

for the first half of
Battle for the Black Glove.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs
speaking for Darcy the Mail Girl

when I say that we've been
busier than a one-legged man

at an ass-kicking convention
lately,

but we're never too busy
to listen to your comments,

your thumbs-ups,
your thumbs-downs,

and your what the hell's?

So keep sending them.
We do read them.

And "The Drive-In"
will never die.

What do you call
sweaty boobs, Darcy?

-I don't know.

-Humidi-titties.

-Aww.

You have people to laugh
this time. That's awesome.

-I went to a haunted
bed-and-breakfast in France,

but I had to leave.

The place was
giving me the crepes.

-Y'all want to grade him?
Points.

-Yeah.

-I asked the hotel
receptionist for a wake-up call.

The next morning,
she rang my room and said,

"What are you doing
with your life?"

-Oh. Okay.

-Alright. I have one more.
-Okay.

-You know why I love Bruce Lee?

Because he studied
art and poetry

and decided the most beautiful
form of self-expression

is punching somebody
in the face.

-Yeah.

-Should have led with that.
-That wasn't really a joke.

-You're on a roll.
-It's a truism.