All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s11e10 - Activate Jamali

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance

with all
social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.

Boo. Yow. I just need to read that
again. Oh.

Well, hello, I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome one and all to the
Taskmaster grand final.

APPLAUSE

What a journey our five
mighty warriors have been on.

And, as we rush towards the moment
where one of our fearless five

raise aloft my golden bonce,
I thought it'd be nice for us

to listen back to the series
highlights so far.

OK, so what's the situation?

Aw, guys, guys, guys,
this is sugar, it's not salt.

They put like chemicals
in the tap water.

Who does? Government.

And after that incredible
soundscape,

it's hard to believe they have any
more glory left in them.

Let's ask them
to dig deep one more time.

Please welcome Charlotte Ritchie,

Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack,

Mike Wozniak

and Sarah Kendall.

And next to me, a man whose birth
certificate I keep

under lock and key because I don't
want to destroy his family

by exposing the awful truth.

Here he is, my biological son,
little Alex Horne!

Daddy!

Technically possible.

Technically true.

It's the final, Greg.

Yeah, I know.

Hence I'm wearing my special outfit.
Oh, here we go.

Highlighting my best bodily feature
which is, of course,

my wonderful back.

OK. You know I've got a lovely hairy
back.

And I'm wearing a backless suit
today. Are you? I am.

And I'm going to show it off
at the end of the episode.

Oh, you're not even going
to shows them now?

I'm luring the viewer to stay put
with the programme.

Right, what's the final prize task
then, Alex?

Well, I'll tell you about it if you
just calm down a flipping second.

It's the thing that makes you
look the toughest,

like a nose ring
or a nose stud or a nose bag.

You will judge whose thing
makes them look the toughest.

They'll get five solid points
and at the end of the episode,

the person who's done the best
points-wise will win all five tough

things and swiftly replace Ross Kemp
as the go-to hard person of telly.

I liked that bit. Thank you.

Yeah. Well, this will be a
challenge, uh, for you,

Charlotte, won't it? Um, it's
simple, it's tough,

it's a leather cap.
Simple, tough, leather cap.

All right. Whoa.

Ooh. Oh, backwards, too. Yeah.
That's pretty tough.

It's pretty tough.

Um, caps are tough,
leather's even tougher.

It's, it's a leather.

Caps are tough. Caps tough.
I feel good about this one.

Do you? Yeah, I can tell by the way
you're reacting,

it's going to go well. Oh, I wish we
had it here so I could put it

on your head. I know, it's a shame.
And show how not hard you look.

Oh, I would. Oh, all right.

What have you brought, Lee?

I have brought the toughest
thing in the world.

I have brought a coat hanger.

OK. Whoa. So, uh...
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

When I was at university,
uh, my old mate got mugged.

Oh. Sorry to hear that.

He didn't come out of the house
for about a week and he thought,

"Well, I can't carry on living
like this, this is ridiculous."

So he then decided
he wasn't going to leave the house

unless he had one of them bent
and put on his head.

And his theory was nobody mugs a man
with a coat hanger on this head.

Why? Well, you just think
that's a bit odd,

I'll stay well clear with a man with
a coat hanger on his head.

Well, that's a surprisingly
tough-looking object,

so I'm surprised you talked me
around a treat. Well done.

Thank you.

Sarah, can you beat a coat hanger?
Doubt it.

About ten years ago, I was watching
the film, uh, The Road

and I was pregnant, and I suddenly
thought, what am I going to do

if I have a baby and, and there's
like some sort of apocalypse

or zombies or all the food and water
runs out and it's just chaos.

What am I going to do?

And I went down to, uh,
a camping shop

and assembled what
I now call my apocalypse backpack.

Well, this is
the apocalypse backpack.

Oh... Yeah, but just wait...
Just wait a second!

Wait, would you please?

If I saw you wearing that in a dark
alley, I'd be, ooh!

It's not a dark alley, it's a
zombie apocalypse, mate.

Is that skipping rope?

Yeah. So if there's a fight outside
a nightclub, you'd go,

"Right, everybody calm down."
Yeah... Yeah.

I just can't wait for you to just
think,

she'd be a pretty safe person.
She's going to be hard as nuts.

You'd be a lovely person to go on a
walk in the country with,

that's what you'd be. Jamali?

Listen, let's not mess about, I've
got a bat with a nail in it.

Right, now we're talking.
Here it is.

Oh, a bat with a nail in it?
Now we're talking.
Bat with a nail in it.

Right, thank you.
There you go.

No messing around. Tick. I'm not,
I'm not playing no games. Tick.

It's tough, isn't it? Cos if
someone had a bat, you go./..

But if he has a nail in it, you go,
he's dedicated to hit someone
with it. Yeah.

If you came into a room with that,

I would absolutely shit myself
and I would go looking for Sarah.

There we go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you imagine Charlotte wearing
her leather cap backwards
holding that? No.

Oh. Be tough, though.

I mean,
you'd be tougher than picnic girl.

Don't worry. Who's picnic girl?
I think you're picnic girl.

I'm picnic girl? You're picnic girl.

Aw, geez.

Well done. That's the first time
I've ever drilled a nail into a bat,

and someone said well done. Yeah.
I appreciate that.

All right, Mike?
Regretting that yet?

Little bit. Yeah.

My toughest thing has a...
It's tried and tested.

So if I'm, if I'm scared
and, you know, I've run out of milk

and I need to go out
and get my night-time milk.

Yeah. But I can see that there's
some street toughs

by the newsagents, you know, wearing
leather caps and, you know.

Some street toughs.

Then, if that happens, then,
then I'd do this.

Ooh. Ooh, wow.

Wow.

Ooh.

Wow, that's amazing.

Wow.

Then it's Mr Tough Guy time.

Tick tock, it's tough guy o'clock.

And the bishop's hat may be going
someplace a bishop's hat

should never go.

That's incredible, isn't it?
I'm so jealous.

I had brought in a punk
rock hairdo wig.

Here it is. Wow. Um... Wow. Which,
uh, the winner is welcome to.

I'm genuinely speechless. Right.

Here we go. You ready? Yes. So in
last place? One point, picnic girl.

Ooh, hello, Sarah.

One point?

Two points, and I do think this is
a bit cruel, but I have to go

by the full description, which
was to make you look hard and not

absolutely loopy, I'm going to give
two points to Lee's coat hanger.

Three points, because it's
the hardest she'll ever look,

to, uh, lovely Charlotte.

Four points, uh, I thought
you had it in the bag but, come on.

That's fair. I mean, the guy's
a lunatic. That's fair.

There you go, four points to Jamali.
Thanks, mate.

Five points to this absolute nutter.
Well done, Mike Wozniak.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's get
this final under way.

Right you are, and we're starting
with my favourite thing to do

at the weekend, it's office-based
admin artwork in the garage.

Hi, Jamali.
How you doing, Alex?

Welcome to my office.

More like a garage, but, yeah.

Good luck. Thank you.

Oh, nice. Nice, that.
Nice touch. Ooh.

Make the best picture of a big scary
dinosaur using this photocopier.

What's that?

We thought you could...

Ooh. Shit! Right in my, right in
my.... Oh, my God. No.

It's OK, luckily it wasn't my eye,
it was my top lip.

I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry, Alex.

I think partly my fault.

You may not leave the garage.

You have 15 minutes,
your time starts now.

I'll just
investigate what's available.

Am I can, uh,
avail myself with, uh?

Yeah, it's just paper. Just paper.
That's just paper in there,

isn't it? Yeah. Um...

That's a piano. That's just a piano.
That's it. There you go.

Yeah. OK, I'm sorry,
I didn't see that.

That's all right. Sorry.
I'm really sorry, Alex.

It's like a near-death experience.

I'm, I'm, I'm going
to re-evaluate my life.

Before we start, Greg, you need
to say at home, you shouldn't

photocopy your own face at home,
do it in the office,

and also you shouldn't fire a
staplegun to people's mouths
or eyes.

You shouldn't.

You should've brought that
for the prize task.

Let's go.

OK, the first guys we're going to
see have really owned

their facial hair this series.

It's Mike and Jamali.

One of the few jobs I had, my aunt
used to make me photocopy shit.

Now I'm just seeing...

Oh, no.

Oh, I know what I've done there.

Oh, I've done a right booboo.
Ooh, no.

There, I think this next phase
is likely to be a failure.

I was actually at my grandad's house
yesterday and he told me,

when am I going to get a real job?

And I'm like, I'm filming a TV
show for Channel 4.

But I understand what he meant now.

Sort of get on with it time,
isn't it, really?

What would you call
your big, scary dinosaur?

What type of dinosaur is it?

It's got to be the old Greg-osaurus,
hasn't it?

Sort of craven bid for points.

I totally fucked up,

cos I was going to do the head
as the host of the show,

but I done Dara O Briain instead cos
I forgot that Dara O Briain...

I thought Dara O Briain
was the host!

Sup? You look kind of similar.

It's not like it's crazy,
like you two are totally different.

You think I look like Dara O Briain?

A little bit. Are you mad?
You've got the same vibe.

I just thought you and I started
to grow closer together,
and then you drop that bomb...

Yeah, but this was from ages ago.
This was before our blossoming
relationship, isn't it?

This was like, this was pre...
you know.

All right. You OK?

It was an innocent mistake.

Let, let me ask you this
before we move on.

Yeah. What is my name?

Greg Davies. Good.

Fuck, mate, that, that was a lot of
pressure. I actually forgot.

My heart was going.

For a second. I'm like oh, shit.

Greg-osaurus, well done.
Thank you.

Good boy.
See? See how it's done?

Feel a bit creepy now.
Suck up to me.

Feel a bit creepy now after all
that. Yeah, yeah, rightly so.

Um, quite a contrast between
the two men's approach.

Some of Mike's vernacular that
I wrote down during it.

"I've made a booboo." Mm-hm.

"It's sort of get on with it time
now, isn't it?"

Which joins the lexicon
of your catchphrases.

And that directly contrasts with,
"One of the few jobs I've had,

"my auntie used to
make my photocopy shit."

Yeah, it's true.

Do you want to see, uh,
his final big, scary dinosaur?

Very much so.
OK, good luck, and enjoy this.

Ahh.

For me, it looks like a dragonfly
with two dicks.

Do you know what?
I do want to argue with you,

but it kind of does look like a
dragonfly with two dicks. Yeah.

Dragonflies were around
during the prehistoric era.

It's a terrifying creature,
but I don't think it's a dinosaur,

like I say. It looks quite big,
so it's go the long tail.

Yeah. It's got four legs, a body,
and a head.

If someone said to me,
what does Dara O Briain

look like as a prawn,
that's how I would imagine it.

Even though it's got my head on it,
yeah?

Oh, is that you? I thought
it was Dara O Briain.

Ooh, yeah. Very nice. Want to
compare that to Mike's Greg-osaurus?

Yeah, please. Here we go. It's big
and it's scary. Here it is. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

It's the friendly Greg-osaurus.

It looks like a bit of low-level
primary school art to me.

Yeah, which is about my level.

It's also looks a lot like Mike from
my view. Your profile.

Oh, yeah.

Right, that's one part
of the final gone already.

More photocopying mayhem to come,
right after three minutes of you

arguing about who's putting the
kettle on. Off you go.

Hello, welcome back to the
Taskmaster grand final.

Weren't we in the middle of a
photocopying task involving big,

scary dinosaurs, Alex?
Oh, you mad bugger.

But you're quite right,

and we're now going to see
Sarah, Charlotte, and Lee's attempt.

Yes, it's the rest of them.
Here we go.

Is it dangerous
to do, like, body parts?

Is that a danger?

Whoa!

Come on!

Agh!

Arm. I'll use an arm as a leg.

OK. If I do one, two.

Get your face there, please.
And like that.

This is for the backside.

No, it's not. It's not.

OK, I've got an idea. Hm.
Go on. That's it, son.

Get yourself... Oh!

Keep your keep your weight up.
Yeah. That's it.

Now, you've got to find a way...
I've pressed the button.

I've pressed the button. Didn't
make a noise. It's making a noise.
Oh, my gosh!

That's rubbish.
I need to go back towards you.

Agh! That hurts. Do it again.

Yeah. Argh!
Are you finished? Are you finished?

No, keep going!
I can't for much longer.

Oh, you tell me about it.

All right, so that's so not a body,
but that's my dinosaur.

Right, I think
I'm sort of there now.

There you go.
Jurassic Park 6.

Thank you, Lee. Thanks, Alex.
I enjoyed that. I didn't.

That's a cruel northern boss
dynamic. Yeah.

"Sort yourself out, lad!" That's the
farm, farming there, wasn't it?

I pay you £2 an hour!
Get, get behind me now.

That's it. I'm going to show you
Sarah's big scary dinosaur first.

Yeah. It's a "diplo-docus" or a
"dip-lodocus"

and it looks like this. It's better
than I thought it was going to be.

That's good. Thank you, Greg.
That's a sweet dinosaur, Sarah.

Thank you, Greg. Who's next? Let's
have a look at Charlotte's dinosaur.

Here we go. Ooh. Oh, dear. Oh, it's
got a head! It's caught one.

It is eating another smaller
dinosaur.

Oh, that's a horrible old thing. You
wouldn't want to come across that,
would you?

Terrified. Thanks, Jamali.

What does that dinosaur walk on?
Er, it's big paper block.

Sam Neill says that at the beginning
of Jurassic Park, doesn't he?

"This one walks on its big
paper block." Yeah. He does.

It's pretty scary.

If you think that's scary,
do you want to look at Lee -

the only one who used colour
photocopying. Whoa.

Here it is. Here we go. Oh. Oh, man.
Oh, wow.

That is awful. That's like the human
centipede. Good God.

Five bellies, two faces,
but my face is the arse.

I don't know if it's a dinosaur.
It looks like someone's just

broken into a serial killer's house.

It's bad.
Alex's face is the dinosaur bum?

Absolutely. That's where
he belongs, though, innit?

Get to the back, lad!

Two quid an hour? You're playing the
arsehole!

You're lucky I'm paying you,
not paying you in milk!

Would you like to see all five
dinosaurs? I need to do some
sweet, sweet scoring.

OK, here they are.
Here's a herd of dinosaurs.

I feel like I should reward size.
Last place with one point...

It's got to be Wozniak, I'm afraid.
Oh! It's not big and it's not
scary.

Sounds fair...
LAUGHTER

One point for the lovely
Greg-osaurus. ..on balance.

We'll give Charlotte two and Jamali
three. Well done, Jamali.

Well done, Charlotte. I mean, I
hate looking at Lee's,

so I can't give it five points,
and Sarah's is a perfect dinosaur.

There you go. Four. five. Well
done, five points to Sarah Kendall!

Right. So what's the scoreboard?
I know you want to.

Any of three people here could
still win the series,

and today's episode is tighter
than it's ever been.

We have Charlotte on five.
Lee, Mike and Sarah all on six.

But Jamali's in the lead with seven.
Hey!

Next task, please. Yes, and this one
weighs heavy on my head.

And feet.

Oh, God.

Here you go. Thank you.

Do you know? If I don't wax my legs,
they are about as hairy as that.

Hello, Jamali. How are you doing?

"Scientifically work out how much
Alex's feet and head weigh."

You may not use the internet.
Most accurate answer wins.

You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

Wh-what a strange thing to say -
you may not use the internet.

There's a lot of stuff about how
much my head weighs on the internet.

What about your feet? Not yet.

Er, feet and head.
You've got a label, have you?

Is that to make sure I
know that these are your feet?

No, that's where you can
write down the weight of the feet.

Oh, I see. That makes sense, yeah.
Does it count if I just go...?

Oh, no? I thought I could just go,
"Weigh!"

Remember that joke? No.

Yeah. How does that joke go?
It's OK.

Um... It's a joke where somebody
says,

have you ever had your boobs
weighed?

And then you go, "No,"
and they go, "Weigh!"

You can do that with my head. Yeah,
that's what I was going for. OK.

Also, not everybody can
do that joke.

Just to make that clear. Right.

Close friends.

I'm not sure it's cool to do that
job full stop, any more.

I'm pretty certain you're right.
Yeah.

I've worked hard to forge you
a future career.

You've just ruined it in one boob
gag. Kaboom, it's over.

Um, Jamali. What's up?

Um, you walked into a room
and Alex is dressed as a Roman

and you did not react at all.

Oh, by this time,
I was sick of his shit.

A Roman. He's going to say some
Caesar pun or something.

I'm not giving it to him, man.
He didn't give it to me at all.

He's the only one who
didn't give it to me. Oh, my boy.

Well done. So proud. Thank you.

You've really come on.
I appreciate it, man.

Do a pun. Well, OK,
well here's Mike Wozni-mack.

It's Mike and Lee.
Mike Wozni-mack.

If I weigh your head.
Mm-hm.

It says error. I think your head
might be too heavy for these scales.

Thank you. My immediate instinct is
to put you in a bath.

But that might not
necessarily help.

Got a plan.

How would the bath help
weigh my feet and head?

I think cos we know how much
water weighs, don't we?

And we could see how much it
sort of displaced. OK.

I happen to know that water weighs
the same as the body.

We put you in the bath,
but just not your head in the bath.

Can it be hot water? Yeah. Of
course. OK. Of course. Yeah.

This water weighs 5.2kg.

Thank you. Point two.

OK? I want you to stick your left
foot in there.

That's it. That's it. That's not
displaced enough. Get it out.

Absolutely boiling. You're going to
be all right? I think it's OK.

I think it's just in contrast
to the searing cold.

Oh, you get that over
there like that!

Now...

..out it comes.

And put that back on there.

That weighs 5.5.

The difference between 6.3

and 5.5 is 0.8.

Now your head. How submerged can you
get yourself?

How's that doing?
Tell you what, go the other way up.

We'll do your feet first.

Let's just... Is that comfortable?

That's quite good.

I'm going to fill that up to the
brim using your foot water.

Now, if you wouldn't mind, just put
your feet in,

try not to put anything else in.

Steady as she does it. Interesting,
that's...

That's less full now.

9.8kg.

You're not very gentle. What?
Nothing.

There's one foot.
Tell you what, we'll do one foot.

If you could now submerge your head,
if you can face it.

Only has to be for a moment.

So what am I doing? You've got to
put your head in under the water.

But you have to go right over,
otherwise it won't go in. Yes.

Go. Is it warm?
Well! Go right in.

Hold your breath, go. It's cold.
Come on, man up.

Go. Go. Hold your breath, go.

Right, go in, go in, go in, go in,
go in, go in, go in.

Out!

There he goes.

That's fine, you can come up.

Weigh that water.
That's 5.6kg.

5.6...

3.5 kilos for your feet.

8.65 kilos for your noggin.

Thank you, Alex.

The amount of water that was
displaced was 4.2.

So, Alex, your head
is 4.2kg,

your feet are both
0.8kg.

Thanks very much, been great working
with you. I'll see you next year.

Bye, Lee.

Wow. Well done.

APPLAUSE

I was very surprised by how
scientific both men were,

and also delighted by your lack
of care towards my assistant.

I was straight in. Permanent marker,
I presume you were scrawling on his
legs? Of course.

Freezing cold water. Yeah,
the detail... Sharpie.

The details of my body were there
for the next two weeks.

I was worried that his head would be
trapped in the pan.

Were you? You weren't that worried.
Not that worried, no.

Because when he said it was cold
water, you shouted "man up".

Straight in. The northern farmer
came straight back in.

It was scientific
and brutal at the same time.

But while Lee's
farmer was screaming, "Man up,

"get your head in," you said,
"Pop your noggin down," I think.

Don't want to kill the man. Your
noggin? Increasingly, I think

you're a Dickens character.
Your noggin, your nut, your swede.

I'm impressed by the science.
Can you tell us stats yet, or...?

I can. The trick was using the right
equipment, which Lee did.

The bathtub was too vague, it was
sloshing all over the place, so

my head's four-and-a-half kilograms
and my feet are a kilogram each.

Lee said 4.2kg

and 0.8kg each. He was very close to
the right answer.

Pretty good. Mike went for 8.2kg -

almost twice the size of a normal
head -

and 3.5kg for both feet,
so not a million miles off.

Well done, men. OK, it'll be over in
just two little parts,

then, finally, you can have your
lives back and be miserable again.
See you in a minute.

Hello. Welcome back to the final.

What was happening before the break,
Alex?

At long last, people are trying to
work out how heavy my head

and feet are. Next up, it's Jamali
and Charlotte.

Can I ask you questions? Uh-huh.

How much does your head weigh?

I've never weighed it. OK.

That's two, so that's 21.

OK, cool.

If you could don't mind
stepping on that. The whole of me?

Yeah, the whole of you, yeah.

So that's whole weight.

Would you mind holding that
up to the top of your head?

Yeah, there. Thanks.

OK.

188.

I'm assuming that's centimetres.

OK, I'm just going to measure the
length of your head.

So basically I weighed one and then
I'm guessing that one,

I just double it.

26 divided by 188. Two, four, six,
eight, 16.

Right.

Right, so you've got seven heads...

That's nice. ..from head to toe.
I often think of it like that.

So for every 26 centimetres of you,
there's 12.44 kilograms.

I just don't think our weight is
equally

distributed between head, shoulders,
knees, and toes.

Shit.

What's happening?

It's error cos it's weighing too
much.

OK, now you can put it down.

Error.

I really think the conclusion might
be that your brain weighs

nothing at all.

Now, lay your head down.

Lift your head up.

Could you go down really slowly
for me?

OK, you can go a little bit faster
than that.

That's a terrific skill.

Well, the scales say 3.4kg.

The distance says 12.4kg.

So I think what I might end up doing
is making an estimate.

I'm going to say 5kg for your head.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, and then for your feet,
much less

because feet are actually
quite light.

Oh, yeah.

They'd have to be light cos you've
got to pick them up so much.

With that in mind, I'm just going to
say two kilo, oh, I'm going

to make that into three,
just in case, kilograms-ish.

There you go.

How much does my head weigh?

40 kg. 40 kg?

Well, cos that's the highest that
this scale goes before breaking.

So it's near that.

Do you know what I'm saying?
OK.

You've got a heavy head.
Yes, apparently so.

There you go.

Stop the watch.

Thank you. Thanks, Jamali.
That's all right.

Did you just get bored of the task
and think... Yeah.

..I'm just going to stick 40kg down?
Uh, no.

I can't do maths, right?
Right.

So I thought I'd do a comically big
number. Go big.

I think your attempt was as
scientific as Charlotte's.

Yeah.

I don't need to go on about head,
shoulders, knees, and toes, do I?

No. We know what your destiny is,
so I can just let that go.

Yeah, I'm letting it go. You said
something about seven heads.

Yeah, she worked out I was seven
heads tall, proportionately.

Yeah. So if your body was the same
weight all the way up and down...

Yeah. ..you just divide your whole
weight by seven.

There's some logic there. Yeah.

So if you cut the same height out of
his shins... Yeah.

..do you think that will be the same
weight as his head? Yep.

In Charlotte's defence,

you have been saying that Alex is
a tube for some weeks now.

Yeah, that's true.

Fair to yourself, you estimated
pretty accurately. Pretty close.

5kg for the head, half a kilogram
off.

Not far off. Not bad.
That's not bad.

3kg for the feet in total and they
weigh one each.

3's not bad. That's not bad at all.

It's not bad.

OK, well, finally, here is the
patented Sarah Kendall method.

OK, I found a set of scales.

I don't know why I've got a
watermelon, but it feels

like the size of your head, but this
doesn't have the weight on it.

Ah, but you can weigh that
with that.

I know!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Let's just start with you
putting your head on this. OK.

OK, you can sit up now.

About 4.5 kilos,
that looks like.

Do the same thing again but in my
hands.

OK, just relax.

OK, now sit up.

It does feel very watermelon-y.

That's about 2.53 kilos.

If there were brains inside the
watermelon, that'd be about right.

Let's do your feet.

Maybe that'll illuminate something.

OK.

Now I'm going to go and see if I can
find some meat.

Good luck.

This is the closest thing to meat
that I could find.

Mm-hm.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

OK.

How many fish fingers do we reckon
we can fit in a Alex Horne foot?

Two, four, ten, 11.

Right, this is 360g,
so that's 40g each,

so 11 fish fingers at 40g each
is 440g.

So I'll say 880g.

Lovely.

I'm going to go 4.2 kg.

Good!

Fish fingers.
Yeah, enjoy them.

Bye-bye. Thank you.
All right, goodbye.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

So your system is to find objects
that you think will be the same

weight as parts of the body
and weigh those objects?

Basically.

I was with you on the melon.

Yeah. Sensible choice.
Right.

You lost me a little bit with Alex's
feet being the same weight

as a collection of boneless
breaded fish.

When she came in with those fish
fingers, there was

no sense of, I know I've done
something ridiculous here

with bringing these fish fingers in.

It's like, OK, I think that's fair.

I think I've got the fish fingers,
we should be all right.

I think that's the point in that
task where you style it out.

Yeah. There's no other option.

So I can tell you the scores.

It's just numbers this time.

Yeah.

Jamali is last.

Mike next, gets two points.

Sarah is third, Charlotte with her
estimate comes second,

but Lee was pretty much bang on with
his real science.

He gets five points!
There it is!

Do we have any more tasks left?

We do! But it's the last one.

And, like my emotions, this one's
all over the place.

Please go and climb up those
golden chair legs.

Thank you.

Please read out the task not through
the megaphone.

OK.

Direct your team-mate
into the red circle.

Oh, that one.

I was going to say, he's cracked it
already.

That's the starting point.

You must stay on your chair
at all times.

You may only issue one instruction
of three words.

..Of three words every 30 seconds.

Fastest to get one team-mate
into the circle wins.

Does he know that I'm only allowed
three words? No.

Just one team-mate, Alex?

So I can just let one
wander into a tree.

That's up to you, Sarah.
..and choose.

You going to say your time
starts now?

Do you want me
to say your time starts now?

I do want you to say your time
starts now.

Your time starts now.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Is this working? Can you hear me?

If you press the button.

Is this wor- hello, hello.
Is that, can you hear me, Mike?

I can.

Mm.

Lovely.

Let's dance.

Oh, OK, who are we going to see
first?

Well, one's just over 40, the others
just under 60, it's Mike and Lee.

180 degrees turn.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Walk forward 20.

Be careful.

Whoa!

OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Uphill 20, go.

Uphill 20?

Is this hill?

All right, I shouldn't laugh...
Do you want it again?

..but it's very funny.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Forward 15.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ten o'clock.

Oh, is that one word or two?

Two.

HE SIGHS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Southeast, one.

Southeast?

WHISTLE BLOWS
Back two.

WHISTLE BLOWS
One to left.

One two left?

HE SIGHS

WHISTLE BLOWS
Back one, small.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Bingo!

You can leave the area now, Mike.

Can I take these off?

It's up to you. Yeah, I will if
it... Look at that. Whoa. Bang on.

Oh, by the way, I think you need
to have a look at a compass.

Oh, really?

That was not southeast.

Even in victory, your team-mate gets
a bollocking.

I didn't mean literally southeast
as in the real southeast.

I mean, southeast from where
you're now facing.

Does that make sense?

Yeah. The other thing that struck me
is that, just in time,

Mike was warned that he
was about to fall down a bunker.

But not by you.

I used my three words.

It's true, he had used
his three words.

I think that was the first day
I'd met him. It was.

And I thought, I've got a problem
here cos if I say stop,

I'll have old bloody Goebbels
there on my back.

Hi, mate.

But he knew that I would rather get
bunkered than break the rules

and get disqualified.

I just think that Lee sees anyone
on his path to victory as

collateral damage. That's what I'd
suggest. I did, did that.

There's a spectacular fall followed
by a characteristic goat trot up.

The goat trot?

They, they seem pretty efficient
to me. Were they efficient?

He got there in four minutes
and ten seconds.

Wow. Not a bad time.

We're so nearly there. Soon someone
will raise the Taskmaster trophy

above their heads and feel a sudden
surge of power and prestige flood

through their veins.
Also someone will win a coat hanger.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Welcome back to the last
part of the series.

The end is nigh, my friends,

so let's stay strong
and get through this part together.

Aw, grow some balls, grandad.

The fuck?

Before the break,
we saw Lee Mack direct Mike Wozniak

into a bunker, even though Mike was
the one that was blindfolded.

The rules of the game state that the
person directing can only say

three words of instruction every 20
seconds to guide them to their spot.

It's the team of three now,

which means Sarah Kendall has two
kids to try and control.

Here we go.

Charlotte, run.

Just run.
Three words.

I can't believe this.

This is...

CHARLOTTE LAUGHS

Oh, my God.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Charlotte, angle left.

Oh.

And keep running.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Half left.

Walk.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Turn around...

run!

SHE LAUGHS

My God. Why am I laughing so much?

Be careful here.

OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Aww.

Run. Me?
Forward, go.

This is hell.

Run?

SHE LAUGHS

What's happening?

180 degrees left.

That's 180 degrees.

Left?

A little left?

It feels like it's getting darker.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Tuuuuuuuuurrrrrrn.

Walk.

Oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Do I still have to stand here?

Have you not moved yet?
No.

Oh, my.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Jamali?
Yo.

Walk briskly.

I think she can only say
three words.

All right.

Careful.

WHISTLE BLOWS

90 both, uh...

left.

Oh.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Jamali, tuuuuuuuuurrrrrrn.

Walk.

Both turn, walk.

I'm sorry. That's all right.
Careful, Charlotte.

Oh. God.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Jamali, leeeeee...

Walk.
Right.

Turn.

Walk.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Charlotte, walk.

I can't, I've been burned.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Jamali, walk.

Turn.

Turn.

Turn.

There's like stinging nettles
and shit. Yes.

Charlotte, walk.

Little left.

Walk, walk, walk.

Crouch.

Crawl.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Tuuuuurrrrrn.

Sweeping right.

Turn.
Crawl.

Is there something I'm looking for?

Oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well done, team.

Guys, I am so sorry.

What's the point? I don't
understand, what was the game?

I mean, the one thing I'll give you
is "tuuuurrrrrn" was a nice idea.

Outside of that, I mean,
it was a total disaster.

The thing is, what, what,
what I'll do is whoever

goes in the correct direction,
I'll just focus on them.

And then I completely lost
control of that situation.

I thought I've got to...

I better activate Jamali cos then
I've got to... Activate. Activate.

Activate him.

And then I had one in the hedges,
one was sort of off in the car park.

I was like, "Oh, my."

You wouldn't have activated
Jamali at all

if he hadn't said "What the
fuck am I doing?"

I completely forgot.

Your running technique was
interesting initially.

Somebody up there like that.

It was round and round in a circle.

It's not the fact that you
can't see anything,

it's the fact that you've been
told what to do. Is that why

at one point you started
swimming in the air?

Or was that all part of your
audition process?

Yeah. I can't believe it.

I mean, so incompetent.

I can't imagine how long that took.

Well, it's four minutes ten to beat.
It felt like an eternity.

It felt like about two hours.
Forever and ever and ever.

It wasn't as bad as that.

It was 21 minutes and 18 seconds.

Oh, OK.
That was a long 21 minutes.

I'm going to give Lee
and Mike five points each.

Well done, guys. Cos they were,
they were very efficient.

Thank you.
That's great news for you guys.

Um, I think what's very fair
is for the team of three to have two

points each. Lovely.

OK, so it's two points to the team
of three, but five to Mike and Lee.

There it is.

APPLAUSE

Let's have a little update.

Jamali was in the lead in this
episode,

but he's now in last with
ten points.

Lee Mack is in the lead
with 16 points.

All right, can everybody make
your way to the stage for the final

task of the series.

Oh, lovely.

You think that's lovely?

Ooh.

Lovely.

That really is lovely.
That is that is so nasty.

Oh, I could eat dinner off that.

You like it?

Gross.

Absolutely gross.
Thank you.

It's like pig flesh.

Aw. Oh.

So, shall we? Yes.

Sarah Kendall's going to
read the task.

I've got the task,
so I'm just going to walk over them.

They can have a nice little
look at it as I go.

Oh, look at that.

Ooh, feast your eyes.

I couldn't stop looking.

Hey, look at that.

Please tell me
that's nothing to do with the task.

I'm going to open it for Sarah.

Oh, good.

Keeping your head
still at all times,

correctly don your special outfit.

For every second your face is
out of the frame,

ten seconds will be added
to your time.

Put your hands in the air
when you are correctly dressed.

Fastest wins.

Fine.

So basically taking your head
out of those frames is going to cost

you dearly.
Quite right.

So in the box behind you,
you've got a special outfit.

I'm going to give you ten
seconds to go and get it,

and when I blow my whistle, your
faces need to be in your frames.

And from that point onwards,
they need to stay in that frame

while you put on the special outfit.

If your head leaves the frame,
and that's your nose going

backwards or your head going
from side to side, we'll add ten

seconds to your time for every
second that it's out of it.

And when you're finished,
if you can put your hands up.

Does that all make sense?
Mm-hm. Yeah. OK, everyone ready?

Mm-hm.
Triangle armpits, you ready? Good.

Good luck, everyone.

WHISTLE BLOWS

They're off.

Oh. You've got five seconds to...
Oh, I see.

Five seconds to get back.
Faces should be through now, please.

Faces through.

And you can now...

WHISTLE BLOWS
..get changed.

OK, faces through.

Noses should be poking out, please.
Noses should be poking out.

Oh, this is tough.

Yeah. Don't drop from the frame.

I'm dropping.
Don't want to blow it now, Sarah.

Aww. Don't drop from the frame.

Have your nose through, please.
Your nose should be... That's it.

Oh, something's... Something's
ripping. Mine will not fit.

Lee, you're out. It's going to be
tight. It's going to be tight.

Feel free to rip it.
Feel free to rip it?

Give it a good old yank. All right.

Ow. Ooh.

RIPPING That's it. He's ripped it.

So remember, arms, legs, and head.

Arms in the air when you think
you're finished. Yeah.

Hands in the air like you do care.

They've all finished, Greg.

Are you ready for the wall to fall?
Reveal.

Three, two, one, fall.

There it is.

LAUGHTER

There it is.

They're all correctly dressed.

Except...

Yeah. Are you
the wrong way around? Yeah.

Oh. Except for Sarah. Yeah.

You're displaying your tail proudly.
Why not?

Yeah. This isn't like degrading or
anything.

No, no, no. Greg, is
there any possibility we could stand

here as long as possible?

Hey, listen, I just want the casting
directors to have a good look.

Ooh.
Can you do a clockwise turn for us?

All the way around?
All the way around.

Ooh.
How did you zip yours up, Charlotte?

I feel like we're like five camels
who have just robbed a bank.

Right, get out of those preposterous
costumes, come down here,

we'll see how it's affected
the final scores.

Well, well, well.

Quite the tableau to finish on.

What a lot of lovely llamas.

What a lovely group of llamas.

A lovely load of llamas.

They all took a different
amount of time to complete the task,

partly cos of the time penalties.

Sarah had an extra minute
put on hers

because she had hers
the wrong way around.

Yeah, I get that. You naughty llama.

So Sarah took 540 seconds,
gets one point.

Next was Jamali with 490 seconds,

then we leap up to five minutes,
300 seconds, was Lee Mack,

then we have Mike Wozniak
with 210 seconds, but a whole minute

quicker than anyone else was
Charlotte Ritchie with 150 seconds.

Whoa.

Five points.

Perfect.

She's so little.

It felt quick.

Also, I genuinely can get d-dressed
quick.

Wow. That...

That was the sentence that
started quite big.

That brag. Wow.

Thank you.
That brag fell off a cliff.

But in terms of the episode,
it's not enough for Charlotte.

It's not enough for Jamali, Sarah,
or Mike.

With 19 points,
the episode winner is Lee Mack.

Hey. Whoa.

I'm happy.

Lee Mack wins.

Get up, go up, and toughen up.

Woo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's so tough.

A tough guy.

Yeah.
Whoa.

Here we are.

It's crunch time, it's trophy time,
it might even be bamboo time.

It's been one of my favourite
ever series,

just as I say at the end
of every series.

I've made my judgments,
and I stand by them.

My work is done, someone will be
made by my decisions.

So... IN A HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
little Alex Horne,

..please, give us closure with the
final figures.

I will.
It's final figure time, Greg.

We've got, in fifth place,
Charlotte Ritchie with 125.

Respectable, and a lovely suit.

Jamali, you're next with 137.

In a way, you've sat in order
because next up, we've got

Lee Mack with 151 points.

And closest to him in the 150's.

It's close, but the person in second
place is sitting next to

Lee Mack,
it's Mike Wozniak with 154 points.

But the person sitting next to
Mike got 158 points.

Which means the new Taskmaster
champion is Sarah Kendall.

Woo.

Please go and collect your trophy.

FANFARE, APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media