All language subtitles for Reggie Watts 2016 Spatial

[electricity crackling]

[man] The vestibule has been opened,

and all of us continue to exist
as though nothing will occur.

The Intergalactic Council wishes you
to know

that all dangers are being dealt with
in all quadrants.

I know many of you,
and some of you I do not.

[audience laughs]

But at some point,

you will know someone who knows
of someone that I have met...

[audience laughs]

and at that point,
we will be vaguely acquainted.

[audience laughs]

The Telothians would have you believe
that you are weak,

you are made of nothing,

that there is nothing worth fighting for
because you have already lost.

I guarantee you that this
can be no further from the truth,

than from the centaurs of Andromeda
to the black hole of the Vega system.

These weapon shipments
have to be intercepted.

And it is up to you...
to remain vigilant against these...

[muttering]

[audience laughs]

I now defer the remainder of my time
to Senator Ihavylev Jyaha...

[audience laughing]

[dramatic music playing over speakers]

[audience chanting]
Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage...

Reggie Watts.

Oh, sorry about-- Hey, how are you?

Hi. How are you? Sorry. I'm so sorry.

So sorry.
Don't want to crush you here.

So sorry. Here we go.

Okay, okay, okay.

So sorry.
It's so hard to get through here.

Oh, God. Okay. All right.
So sorry. I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

So sorry. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks. So sorry.

So-- So sorry for your--
So sorry for your loss.

Okay. Here we go.

All right. Going.

Okay. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Hi.

So sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

Okay. All right. Okay. Okay.

[Reggie grunts]

[audience member whoops]

[audience cheering]

Thanks.

Thanks, guys. Um...

[audience laughs]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, welcome to the-- Here it is.

[audience cheering]

You know, tonight is really special.

We've got a lot of married couples,
we're gonna be celebrating some of that.

[laughs] We've got a lot of anniversaries
we're gonna be talking about this evening,

get those out of the way a little early

so we can get on to some
of the meatier stuff we talk about.

I'm huge into astronomy.

Um, and some of the-- Some of the things
that I want to talk to you about tonight

aside from the anniversary
and wedding stuff

that I kind of mentioned
just a couple seconds ago is... Um...

You know, there's a huge-- There's
a huge-- A lot of-- There's a lot of it--

There... like, over-- Over time,
you know,

we're gonna have to make
some decisions, so--

So, I hope that that--
I hope that that's-- Hope that happens.

[audience laughing]

But I want to tell you a quick story.

[fast, high-pitched muttering]

-[high-pitched laughter]
-[audience laughing]

[in a normal voice]
You know what I'm saying?

Netflix, you know what I'm saying?

[audience cheering]

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

[music playing over speaker]

I always like to do this song
'cause this one warms up the crowd.

And by the way, this show,
I'm touring in three motherfucking cities.

It's gonna be
a three motherfucking city tour,

and we're gonna be selling out
very small to medium-sized rooms, okay?

So, like, you know, Kevin Hart, you know,
"I sold out a stadium."

Like, yeah?

I sold out a medium-sized room, so...

[audience laughs]

He can't do that.

He cannot do that comfortably.

[audience laughs]

Now who wants to be Kevin Hart?

[audience laughing]

'Cause we took a survey. I was like,
"Would you like to be Kevin Hart?"

Ninety-two percent of you were like,
"Yes."

[audience laughing]

I don't think you know why.

A couple of you were just like,
"Oh, that'd be fun."

But think about it. If you were
Kevin Hart, you could not play in a place,

not perform in a place
that was smaller than a football stadium.

And that sucks. That's kind of like a guy
that's got a really huge--

You know what I'm saying?

It's like he-- He only has one size.

It's like he can't really get angles
and shit.

It's just, like, one thing. You know
what I'm saying? I feel sorry for him.

So, be careful what you want.

[audience laughing]

All right. We've learned a lot.
Here we go.

-[beatboxing]
-[music playing over speaker]

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Swimming and swimming and swimming
And swimming and swimming ♪

♪ Swimming and swimming and swimming ♪

♪ You and I ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ Fuck you... ♪

[singing indistinctly]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

[scatting]

[audience laughing]

[scatting]

[grunts] [continues scatting]

♪ But you are gonna settle
Right about now ♪

♪ Benadryl ♪

♪ Sippin' the Benadryl
Mo'fuckin' Benadryl ♪

♪ This is the Benadryl
We got lots of pills ♪

♪ We got a Benadryl ♪

♪ Yeah, we got a
We got a Benadryl ♪

♪ Have you seen a drill? ♪

♪ I know, I'm really sleepy ♪

♪ Benadryl ♪

♪ I got a drippy, the drippy, the drippy
The dr-dr-dr-drippy, the drippy ♪

♪ The scratchy, the scratchy
The itchy, itchy ♪

♪ The drippy, the drippy, the drippy
Dr-dr-drippy, drippy ♪

♪ The scratchy, the itchy, the itchy
Itchy, itchy, Benadryl ♪

[all laughing]

[scatting]

♪ What? ♪

[continues scatting]

♪ I don't know ♪

-[music stops]
-[scatting slowly]

-[music playing over speaker]
-[continues scatting]

♪ Mo'fuckin', fuckin' Benadryl ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ Yo, yo ♪

[scatting]

♪ Went to California
Avocado ♪

[scatting]

♪ Go what ♪

♪ Bena-Benadryl
How long ♪

[chuckles]

♪ Yo, I got somebody
You got somebody, too ♪

♪ You got somebody
I got a body ♪

♪ You got a body ♪

♪ You use that body any time you want
It's ♪

Well, it's really not your choice.

♪ Benadryl! ♪

[music stops]

[cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Um...

How many of you guys live in L.A.?

[audience cheering]

Okay, that's crazy.

Yeah, filming here in Boston
was a cool choice.

I-- I just, like, you know--
And specifically, we were like:

"People from L.A. should come,
you know, to Boston."

And a lot of you guys were willing to pay
for the-- The air tickets.

So... um, yeah.

How many people enjoyed your air flight?

[audience cheering]

I love air flights. They're... Um...

Of the different flights...

I love air flights.

They're just-- There's something
about being in the air when you're flying,

uh, that's so much different than,
you know, all the other forms of flight.

And some people talk, you know,
anthropologists,

and... pneumatic specialists,
and-- And humanists,

often argue
about, like, where are our origins.

You know, like,
maybe we came from the clouds.

You know, like, maybe we came from the
Earth or the Erf, or whatever you call it.

-[audience laughs]
-Um...

You know, maybe you came from--
Maybe we came from someplace else.

But the thing is, we understand that we
had to come from someplace, you know.

You know, and no matter where were are
on this planet, I mean,

you know, we gotta be somewhere, and--
And if you're gonna be somewhere,

be a point of consciousness that really
is understanding where it is located,

even though you have access
to a cybernetic portal

that gets you involved
into various experiences

which are happening simultaneous
all over the planet.

Now, whether you believe
in parallel dimensions,

alternate realities, or "spirit gods,"

like, it's... all the same shit, you know,
and people are like, "I saw a ghost."

And you're like, "Okay."

You know, to me, ghosts
are just temporal anomalies, you know?

They're just residue of past occurrences
or future occurrences

happening simultaneously,

that bleed through and kind of bend
into the membrane of our current reality.

So we do get a ghosted image
of an occurrence that has happened

in a different time period
for just a moment.

There's always a scientific explanation
for all that bullshit.

[audience laughing]

There are--
There are literally... billions of people.

Billions of people... that have died.

Billions of people have died,
and it's-- It's crazy.

I mean since we started
calling ourselves people,

which was after we were people...

[audience laughs]

you know, them ho-- Them homonyms...

procreated, you know, with some--
The Neanderthals,

and, you know, did some
cave culturing stuff, drawings, bones,

bear clan rituals, discovery of fire,

warring tribal cultures,

these are all the things that are part
of our ancestry.com, and we are...

[audience laughing]

We're always growing.
You know, that's the thing.

It's like, right now, there's, like,
cells dividing like a motherfucker

up inside you.

You know, there's like, billions
of critters crawling all over your skin.

They're just like, [muttering]

And we're just like, "I got an itch."
"Oh, no!" You know.

[laughing]

The thing is,
and I'm saying all this stuff,

I know a lot of you guys are like,

"We don't need to be talking about this",
but... I have to bring this up,

'cause I got a platform, um...

you know, we're gonna be on Canadian TV,
this is for Canadian TV,

and this is only gonna be aired in Canada,
and the thing is, like...

to the Canadian audience,
yes, you have a handsome president.

[audience laughs]

And you're going into your Obama phase.
I get it.

He's a cool cat.
Wants to legalize marijuana.

That's a good idea.

Ask Colorado why they have too much money
for their schools and roads.

[audience laughing]

[muttering]

[chuckles]

Soon as California legalizes it--

Legalize it!

[audience laughing]

As soon as California legalizes it,

they're just gonna be like,
"We've got too much money.

What-- What do we do now?" I don't know.

"Should we fix something?" No.

-That's too easy. [chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

Gotta make it hard. [chuckles]

[laughing]

I just want to talk to you a little bit
about a TV show that... Um...

That I've just-- That I've been working on
for quite some time.

It's a classic show
that a lot of you guys have probably seen,

didn't know I was involved in,
probably heard about, just never watched,

called the Crowe's Nest.
You can hold your applause.

[audience laughs]

The Crowe's Nest is a-- Is a show

that really kind of outlines modern
problems of cohabitation between adults,

the issues that we deal with
with the Internet,

how it depersonalizes, and yet,
makes us vulnerable and super personalized

towards our lives, towards others,

and towards the construct
of how we relate to geometric reality.

The Crowe's Nest is not a show
for the faint of heart.

It's not even a show
for people that don't have hearts.

It's not a show
for people that don't have hearts

because they are not conscious
to witness the show.

They are not alive...

and therefore, they cannot see the show.

[audience laughs]

The Crowe's Nest is a-- Is a place
where you feel comfortable.

It is a nest.

But remember what kind of nest it is.

It's a nest belonging to crows.

And as everybody knows,
crows... ain't so nice.

[audience laughing]

[theme music playing]

♪ Life is wonderful in the Crowe's Nest ♪

♪ It's your time to grow now
In the Crowe's Nest ♪

♪ Where everyone gets fed beak to beak
And eventually leaves again ♪

♪ Crowe's Nest ♪

[cawing]

[announcer] Crowe's Nest was improvised
in front of a live studio audience.

I told you,
Fred's not even around anymore.

What?

Didn't you hear? The quarry shut down.

Why? Why would they shut down the quarry?

-That was the best place
-Tell him.

-to go every summer. We would...
-Tell him.

play hide-and-go-seek, and we'd...

It's confusing and it's complicated.

Something about irrigation and water.

It's boring. And honestly,
it sounds like it's not up to code.

[Chuck] I've been going to the quarry
since I was 12 years old.

My dad took me to the quarry
the first time.

Well, he didn't know that I was with him.
I followed him down there.

That's when I realized,
"Dad's cheating on Mom."

[laughing]

[audience laughing]

You have to laugh.

[laughing]

You have--
Life throws a lot of stuff at you.

You have to laugh at those things

[audience laughs]

You know what, guys?
Let's make this day a special day.

[chuckles]
How's that possible? The quarry's closed.

-[audience laughing]
-[Reggie chuckles]

-Hey, that's new.
-Hey. [laughing]

[audience laughs]

You know what? Screw it.

Just because the quarry's all closed now
don't mean we don't have to have no fun.

[chuckles] Wait, what do you mean "fun"?

Yeah. Like when you say "fun,"
what do you mean?

Right.

I mean, I was thinking,

if we're gonna have a good time,
we might as well have some fun.

-[audience laughs]
-No, I-- No, that's what I'm asking.

What does that even mean?

If you could elaborate on fun

'cause it's a huge term
that people have different defini--

What?

Sorry, I have a speech impediment.

Let's take that again.
Let's take that again

Reset.

[sighs] Could you elaborate on what...

-Do you want to--
-I just need one more.

-Okay.
-[audience laughs]

I get three.

[inhales sharply] Reset!

We can have fun,
but just what kind of fun?

There are different kinds of fun,
remember?

Well, wait. What do you mean by "fun"?

-What do you m--
-Everyone has a different definition.

-That's what I'm saying.
-Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[audience laughs]

I think fun should be...
exploring the universe.

Remember when you and Patty
and I went out to that place,

that yogurt farm?

[Reggie and woman laughing]

When did you guys go to the yogurt farm?!

You went with Patty?!

Why would you go to the yogurt farm
with P-- I love the yogurt farm.

I've been going there
ever since I was 13 years old.

I'm sorry. It's...

Tell him.

The yogurt... [sighs]

I can't.

Okay, let me give it a shot. [sighs]
[claps hands]

[sighs]

We know you love yogurt.

[audience laughs]

But we also know how worked up you get

-when it comes to yogurt. [chuckles]
-To yogurt. [chuckles]

Yeah. It's great.

-Right.
-I love it.

-We know.
-I love it. I love yogurt!

At what point does loving it
become hating it?!

I don't know anymore!

[theme music plays]

You know,
we here at Netflix believe that...

[audience laughs]

you know, basically, the motto is--

And this is unofficial,
this is just my motto.

Um, but it's like-- Like, fuck TV.

Like, that's kind of-- That's kind of--
[chuckles] Kind of the motto a little bit.

[laughing]

But the point is,
we're moving into the future

and so this is an experimental show.

Uh, you might not even see this
on Netflix.

But...

this is an incubator R&D program
designed to push the limits

of what's possible
for a viewer to withstand.

[audience laughing]

Okay? Now...

I get it. And we're not gonna ago there,
so, don't worry about it.

[laughing]

This is one of my favorites. This is a bit
I used to do when I was 7 years old.

My mom hated it,
but I used to do it anyways,

'cause, you know, when you're 7 years old,
you're just like, "Fuck you."

[audience laughs]

It's like, "You made me. Deal with it."
You know, that kind of attitude.

Uh, so, anyway, so this is a little bit.
I hope you guys enjoy it.

Here we go.

[scatting]

[audience laughing]

[scatting]

[beatboxing]

-[beatboxing continues]
-[music playing over speaker]

[audience laughs]

[audience whistling and cheering]

[scatting]

[audience laughs]

[laughing]

[audience cheering]

[cheering]

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[audience laughs]

[audience laughing]

Um...

How many of y'all like grits?

-[audience cheering]
-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Yeah. Mm-hm.

You like your grits thick,
you like your grits thin?

Thin or thick?

-[woman 1] Thick.
-You like it thick. All right.

[audience laughing]

You like your grits savory?

-Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
-[woman 2] Not so sweet.

I...

Oh, that makes me so mad.

[audience laughing]

"Hey, y'all want some maple syrup
on your grits?" Fuck y'all!

[audience laughing]

It's like-- It's like someone going, like,
[chuckles] "Hey, you want some sugar--

Uh, you want some sugar on that--
On that thing that doesn't go with sugar?"

[all laughing]

Oh...

Yeah, the South are crazy, though, man.

I was down in the South.

I was down there, and I was like--

Man, people, like,
there's a lot of history.

A lot of history down there.

Lots.

Lot of crops.

[audience laughs]

Lot of crops, lot of industry.

So much shit going down in the South.

It's crazy. It's like--

Sometimes there be people,
they'll be like:

"What's wrong with you?"

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "I don't know.

What's wrong with you?"

[audience laughs]

And they be like, "All right.

Hey, you want to come over for dinner
and shit?"

[audience laughs]

I'm like, "Hell, yeah.

What else you got?"

[laughing]

You remember that time, what was it?

Last year or whatever,
we was working at Columbia University?

We was working on cancer research.
We talked about cell division, mitosis.

And you were just like,
"How can we get these microtubules

to grow in the middle of a cell
and suddenly make it divide?

You know what I'm saying?" And your--

And your mom came in, she's like,
"What are you guys talking about?"

[all laughing]

We were like, "She don't understand."

[audience laughing]

She crazy. She crazy.

How many of y'all own a gun?

Oh, I saw that. You see that?
You see that motherfucker?

He was so quick, too. It was so quick.
Realized, like, he was like, "Ah..."

[audience laughing]

You're on camera.

[audience laughing]

Guns are like-- It's crazy, you know what
I'm saying, 'cause guns are like guns.

Like-- Like the more you use them,
the more they get used.

You know what I'm saying?
Like, that's how guns is.

Like, the more that you look at a gun
and you see a gun where a gun is,

most likely that is the gun
that you're looking at.

And that's the most dangerous thing
about a gun.

[audience laughs]

So, when you think about owning a gun,
realize this:

when you buy it and you put it somewhere,

it's probably gonna be there
when you look at it again.

[audience laughing]

So, really fucking think about that shit.
'Cause not a lot of things are like that.

You could by a pencil,
and you could put it on a desk,

and you could look away,
and it's gone when you look back.

[audience laughing]

But a gun?

Always there.

[audience laughs]

[announcer]
And now back to the Crowe's Nest.

Well, I can't have kids.

[audience laughing]

[sighs] When did you find out?

Today. [chuckles]

-Today.
-I'm infertile. [chuckles]

What?

[audience laughs]

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, back to dusting. [chuckles]
There's always so much to do around here.

You know what?

Let me dust!

[audience laughs]

Okay. Sure.

[sighs] You know... having fertility is--

I mean, it's not-- I mean...

-It's not for everyone.
-Yeah. Right. Exactly.

I mean, it's cliché, but it's true.

Clichés are true.

[audience laughing]

Huh.

Well, anyways, we have more free time.
You'll be able to get the-- The car.

Yeah, look. I mean, you guys can try
to cheer me up all you want, but...

[sighs]

it's not going to distract me
from the fact that I still have cancer.

[audience laughing]

[inaudible]

Chuck.

-Mind if I sit here?
-Not at all.

Remember that lake that we used
to go down to by Cribson's farm?

-Where Dad drowned?
-Yeah.

[audience laughs]

-Yeah, not that part, but before. Uh...
-[audience laughs]

It was fun, right?
I mean, we had the canoe, the dock.

-Yeah.
-Remember?

-And you had your favorite skipping rock.
-Yeah.

[chuckles] And we'd take hours
trying to find it again.

[audience laughing]

That's where I got that guy.

[all laughing]

I guess, at that age, I didn't know
I could throw a rock that hard.

[audience laughing]

-Yeah, well--
-I remember I cried for like a week,

and... then you showed up and you're like,

"Hey, look who's... still dead,
but kind of alive."

Kind of alive.

Well, the point is,
if you think about time, like--

Like as though it's happened already,

-like...
-Yeah.

Like, does it make you feel
like... anything's possible?

I mean...

before I was told I had cancer,
yeah.

[audience laughs]

But then they said it's gotten so bad
there's just... no chance of survival,

-there is no cure,
-Hmm.

you're going to die.

And it took me... a month or two
to even build up the courage

to go get
what I thought was a second opinion.

Turns out
that first person was not a doctor.

[audience laughs]

But the second opinion,
which ultimately was the first opinion,

he said the exact same thing.

[audience laughs]

Well, now's your chance.

-Just forget about it.
-Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, like,
who cares if you've got cancer?

It's good that you can't have kids
when you think about it.

[audience laughs]

Sorry. I overhead. I was reading my book.

Sorry. It came out last week. [chuckles]

Oh. This is your book?

Yeah, I didn't want to bother you.
There was dusting to be done.

I figured
I should just keep it to myself.

-I don't want to brag. Sorry. I hate it.
-That's nonsense. I need these kind of...

pick-me-ups.

Actually, there's a dedication
and I wanted to read it to you.

Really?

Yeah.

I said, "Dedicated to my friend... first,
brother second,

partner third...

lawyer fourth..."

-[laughs] That was a long time ago.
-That was crazy, but yeah.

"Cancer or no cancer... hey."

[audience laughing]

You put the...

Yep, there it is, the cancer part.

Let's just say I talked to a doctor
before you did. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

You knew I had cancer before I did?

Everybody knew.

Why was I the last to know
that I had cancer?

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait a minute.
Wait. Wait a minute, guys.

[woman and Reggie laughing]

-Explain. Explain.
-Okay.

-We--
-[Chuck] You're the one

who made me that appointment
with that first guy

who turned out not to even be a doctor.

-How do I even know I have cancer at all?
-Just trust us. You do.

-Yeah. Like a hundred percent.
-Yeah.

[audience laughs]

Blood can't test itself.

[both chuckling]

-That-- That's what I mean.
-Yes.

Yeah, right. Yeah.

It's just now coming to me.
I've never had my blood even tested.

I just went to a person who said,
"You undeniably have cancer."

I don't even know
if I actually have cancer!

-You do. Look at the book.
-Because it's in a book?!

Don't. I wrote that.

[audience laughing]

[grunts] What does it even matter,
I still have AIDS.

Wow.

[audience laughs]

[sighs]

[theme music plays]

Yo, you check out Crowe's Nest?

Like, "Yeah, I checked it out."
"What did you think?"

"Ah, man, man,
the way she use that feather duster,

and she arrange them books,

man... I feel better about my life."

[audience laughs]

Okay, so that's enough
about the Crowe's Nest.

I grew up...

got to a certain age, and... decided,
"I've got to move on with my life."

What am I going to do when I reach 18?

And I thought,
I can only move two places.

I can move to New York.

Everybody thinks about it.

Hardly anybody does.

When they do, they're like,
"Why the fuck did I move here?"

And then after a year, they're like, "I
think I can do this." And then they stay.

But I didn't have the money to move
to New York. I had to move somewhere else.

I had to move to Seattle.

[audience cheers]

It was 1989,
and I was super stoked about Seattle.

[rock music playing]

[Reggie singing indistinctly]

♪ Shit I say ♪

♪ Shaking the facade ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Save your facade ♪

♪ She'll make you say what's up? ♪

[scatting]

[yells]

[audience cheering and whistling]

Times are hard, computers are everywhere.

[audience laughing]

Got Wi-Fi,

everybody's making apps.

Don't know if they're useful.
Do you think apps are useful?

[audience laughs]

Some, yeah.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, that's an honest answer

'cause a lot of times you buy an app,
you're like, "This is gonna be useful."

[audience laughing]

I put it four menus deep. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

I got categories,
just put them inside of folders.

But, like, seriously though,
and I know a lot of you guys,

you know, it's getting serious,
but, like... don't fall for it.

An in-app purchase?

The fuck is that shit?

[audience laughs]

"You in the house,
do you want to pay for the spoon?"

-You know what I'm saying? Like...
-[audience laughing]

Like, can I use my own bathroom?

[laughing]

Anyways, I come from Montana.

A lot of people don't know
what Montana's like.

I'll tell you
what motherfucking Montana's like.

[laughing]

Montana's filled with motherfuckers...

that just wanna have a good time.

[audience laughing]

Population under a million.

Land mass the size of Germany.

Fresh water.

"Liz-nakes."

Mountains.

[laughing]

Good times.

This is a song
to change the mood a little bit.

I know some of you are big, big pop fans,
and some of you are big underground fans.

So, I'm gonna try to make
an underground pop sandwich.

It's going to be, like, maximum pop,
maximum underground.

Um, then we'll see what happens.

Okay.

We're gonna-- Okay. Oh, here.

No. Okay. Here.

-[drum tapping]
-No. That's not it.

-[drums tapping over speaker]
-No, that's not it. No.

-[soft tapping]
-Oh, yeah, there we go.

This is, like, the most padded kick drum
I've ever heard.

Like, listen.

-[soft tapping over speaker]
-It's-- It's, like, so soft.

It, like, just punches you,
but it's like-- It's a soft punch.

[audience laughs]

-It's, like, take this.
-[tapping]

-[grunts]
-[audience laughing]

I felt it, but it was soft.

[audience laughing]

[Reggie sighs]

[tapping over speaker]

-[tapping continues]
-Okay.

[audience laughs]

-[music playing over speakers]
-Okay, here we go.

[audience laughing]

[tapping over speakers]

[music playing over speakers]

♪ Yo, you amaze me sometimes ♪

[singing indistinctly]

[audience laughs]

-[music stops]
-Hey, who here knows how to tap dance?

[audience laughs]

Thanks.

[cheering and whistling]

I have a quick question.

Who here knows how to tap dance?

-[woman] I do.
-Right.

You do. Okay. All right.

Um, yeah, I guess that was really quick.
I wasn't expecting that.

Um, sure. Yeah, well, I guess, come--
Come on, come on up.

[cheering and whistling]

What I hate is people who are like, "I can
tap dance", and they just can't. So...

[muttering]

-Those are interesting shoes.
-Thanks.

[audience laughing]

-What-- What's your name?
-Chloe.

Oh. Okay. Cool. All right. Um...

Well, I'm a pretty good tap dancer,
so do you mind if I-- You want to trade?

-Yeah, I think you should start it off.
-Okay. I'll set it off.

Here we go.

Don't get, like--
Don't get freaked out, okay?

[mimicking tapping]

[audience laughing]

[tapping]

[audience cheering and whistling]

[audience cheering]

Okay.

Okay.

All right. Well, how about--
How about this?

[sniffs]

This one's a really hard one, so--
Okay. Okay. Here we go.

It's gonna start on one.

-Okay.
-Okay.

[audience laughing]

[mimicking tapping]

[tapping]

[audience cheering and whistling]

Okay. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna try and experiment.
I'm gonna experiment right now.

Okay. Okay.

Let's see if this works.

Okay.

[audience laughs]

Okay, we're gonna try to--
Let's try to duet here.

[audience laughing]

-I'll start. You can join in, okay?
-Okay.

Okay, here we go.

[mimicking tapping]

[tapping]

[audience cheering]

[scatting]

[audience cheering]

-[scatting stops]
-[audience cheering]

[audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

Give it up for Chloe Arnold.

[announcer]
Previously on Crowe's Nest:

[audience laughs]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughs]

[audience laughs]

[audience laughing]

[theme music plays]

[crow cawing]

No, but I'm stoked about weed.
I think that it's making a comeback.

[audience laughing]

Obama, you know, he smoked it,
and that's cool.

And George Washington smoked it.

And any other person
you think smoked it, smoked it.

'Cause you got to. I mean, come on, man.

We've got these cannabinoid receptors,
you know, in our nervous system,

it's like a perfect,
like, little train hook.

It's like, where is the thing
I'm supposed to attach to?

Is it supposed to hang out here forever?

It's like, no, it's supposed to attach
to this THC molecule.

Oh, it's a perfect fit. Why is that?

I don't know. It creates a weird sense
of higher consciousness. Anyways, go on.

[laughing]

Have you ever gone to dispensaries?
Probably no one here has. But...

Um... [chuckles]

You go to a dispensary,
and every product, especially edibles,

is always--
It's, like, designed by the people

who designed the Monster drink logo.
[chuckles]

[audience laughs]

"Get fucked up. Never recover.

You can't handle this.

It's 16,000 times more
than what you ever want.

This cookie is the size of a cookie,
but it's meant to be shared by 22 people."

[audience laughing]

What the fuck is that? [chuckles]

It's, like, all dispensaries shall be run
from the perspective

of a strange 12-year-old boy. [chuckles]

I want to go into a dispensary
and just be like,

"Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up?
What do you have today?"

"Well, we have a 2.5-milligram elixir
that is mixed in with Saint-John's-wort,

so it lifts your mood a bit."

"I think I'll take that. That's nice.
That's one shot?"

"Yeah, one shot, one serving.
Very small, not a lot of calories."

"So cool. So civilized."
"Yeah, I know. It's so great."

"What else do you have?"
"We have some old-school weed.

We're going old school.

Heirloom weed. Very low THC. It's what
the hippies used to smoke in the '60s.

You know how hippies now smoke and go,
'What the fuck is this shit?'

Yeah, well, it's not that anymore."
[chuckles]

[audience laughs]

I just want to go
into a nice tea shop setting.

Be like,
"I'd like to get a little bit stoned."

They're like, "Of course. We understand.
You're a sensible person."

[audience laughing]

"Fuck! [chuckles]

Can I get some of your Fuck Storm weed?

[audience laughing]

Enter the Fuck Storm.

One hit
and you can't understand anything."

[audience laughs]

"Anyways..." Um...

So, with that, keep that in mind

'cause I'm gonna be doing something
right now

that has never been tried before.

I know at least two of you over there
are wondering, like, why?

Why would we even do this?

And it's because of that very question
that we are going to do this.

So, without further ado,
I'd like to try this.

A small song.
I've got a special treat for you.

I'm gonna do this small song.
It's very, very tiny.

You're not even gonna notice it at all,
so don't worry about it. Um...

Sit back, relax. If you've got anybody
that you care about

you know, get closer to them,
snuggle up, do a little snuggle.

Um... Pretend that you're spooning
in the morning

and that you're okay,
and that you're not concerned

with the way that they're breathing
and freaking out

that you're next to another organism
for some reason and you're really close,

and that's normal. Um...

So, just do that, and, you know, don't
listen to your partner breathing at night.

That'll creep you out. Um...
[clicks tongue]

And, yeah, so just sit back, relax,
and enjoy the song.

This is a song about apples.

[audience laughs]

[tapping over speakers]

Okay.

-[beatboxing]
-[music playing over speakers]

♪ I don't even need you ♪

♪ I never tried to cry ♪

♪ I used to ask so many questions
Like that famous one, 'Why?' ♪

♪ Do you know him?
Does he know you? ♪

♪ Did you do a little hanky-panky
Off at the San Diego zoo? ♪

♪ Did you see the koalas? ♪

♪ Did you see the tigers and the bears
The wolves, the ♪

♪ The things you shouldn't see ♪

♪ Did you hold his hand in a park? ♪

♪ Did you go to a movie? ♪

♪ How dare you have someone
You cared about before me ♪

♪ It's so right for me to get jealous ♪

♪ 'Cause I gotta think of you
As a piece of property ♪

[chuckles]

♪ I've gotta hold on to you
When I say you're my girl ♪

♪ It really means that I own you
Inside of my mind ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ She thinks that's sexy
'Cause she thinks that's cool ♪

♪ 'Cause love should be based on
Insecurity, my fools ♪

[chuckles]

♪ I know it's true
And it feels so good to be ♪

♪ Slightly addicted to someone
That you feel you can't learn about ♪

♪ But don't worry now
'Cause there's more ♪

♪ Kissing and a-smooching
And a-smooching and a-kissing ♪

♪ And a-smooching
And maybe just a little bit of fucking ♪

♪ And you got to do it right ♪

♪ Listen to what they are saying ♪

♪ Their body will respond in time, in kind
And you will understand or glean ♪

♪ Oh, yes, you'll glean ♪

♪ 'Cause gleaning is a thing we can do
If we really open up our listening ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I feel how lovers like
To entwine in the moment ♪

♪ 'Cause there's always a discrepancy
Between the biological lead ♪

♪ To procreate, oh ♪

♪ But sometimes it gets confused
With the idea, the construct ♪

♪ That society lays
Upon this world, yeah ♪

♪ You watch a movie
You think it's like that, yeah ♪

♪ You watch a TV show
You think it's like that, yeah ♪

♪ You read a book
And you think it's like that ♪

♪ But it hasn't been like that
For very long ♪

♪ Because society hasn't developed ♪

♪ The technology
To place their stories in constructs ♪

♪ In the philosophical medium
That's entertaining for us to understand ♪

♪ And plus there's so many of us here
On this planet ♪

♪ We need a system to organize ourselves ♪

♪ In a way that makes us feel
Like we come from a traditional culture ♪

♪ It's so cool, but it's scarier
To get your things in order ♪

♪ And understand there's no order
We're all improvising ♪

♪ And anyway, it makes you happy ♪

♪ It's truly the way
That you should survive ♪

♪ Because otherwise you're living
Under systems ♪

♪ That don't match who you are ♪

And you'll be fighting that all
of the rest of your life. Anyways...

♪ Just be happy ♪

♪ Just do everything with love ♪

♪ And you'll see everything
Will be-ee a-okay ♪

♪ Just do what you need ♪

♪ Take that time to do the in between ♪

♪ The in, the in, in, in between ♪

[scatting]

♪ Don't use those things
Against another person ♪

♪ Remember every person
Is an opportunity ♪

♪ To learn more about yourself ♪

♪ 'Cause you are listening
To where they're coming from ♪

♪ And they represent
A reflection of yourself ♪

♪ As long as you understand
That there's more to this life ♪

♪ There's always so much more
To this life ♪

[scatting]

♪ Uh-huh, yeah ♪

[continues scatting]

♪ Hey, hey, oh, baby ♪

♪ I like the way you smile at me
It makes me feel so good ♪

♪ It makes me feel
Like anything's possible, yes ♪

♪ As long as I don't lie no more
To myself or to others ♪

♪ It feels so much better
'Cause when I was younger, I could lie ♪

♪ Let me tell you
I could lie like a motherfucker ♪

♪ And that is good ♪

♪ Because you gotta experience
The darknesses ♪

♪ The darkness is important to understand
Inside yourself ♪

♪ It's not always about being good ♪

♪ It's understanding why you're being good
In the first place ♪

♪ Oh, empathy's a bitch ♪

♪ Once you feel it
You can't get rid of that itch ♪

♪ It's true ♪

[scatting]

♪ Just remember to
All, all, all, all, always love yourself ♪

Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Greatly appreciated.

[cheering]

Okay, so without further ado,
I'd like to just do this, I'd like...

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Okay. So, I'm just gonna make
a costume change here.

[audience laughs]

And then I'm gonna just take off...

[audience cheering and whistling]

I'm just gonna take this off.

'Cause it's so tight.

[laughing]

See this right here swinging down?
That's my dick.

[audience laughing]

It's just swinging around.

[audience laughs]

I got a real thin dick.

[laughing]

Let me take these off
'cause they're just a little too tight.

[audience laughing]

I'm just gonna slide these off
'cause they're just--

Just a little bit too tight.

Okay. Then I'm gonna take this off.

And I'm gonna take it off
like a teenager from the '70s.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughing and cheering]

[audience cheering and laughing]

[cheering and whistling]

I'll be out shortly.

[whistling and cheering]

[audience cheering]

[whistling]

Thank you so much.
It's been an absolute wonderful show.

I hope you guys have enjoyed the show
so far.

[cheering and whistling]

But, of course, a funky, groovy night
like tonight,

a spatial kind of a night,
would not be possible

without the help
of some grooves and rhythms

from some really funky,
soulful individuals.

In fact, one individual
that's here tonight

climbing up the charts with their new hit,
at number nine currently.

[audience laughs]

Ladies and gentleman,
won't you please welcome my friend,

DJ Empress.

[music playing over speaker]

-Everybody say, "Hell, yeah!"
-[audience] Hell, yeah!

-Say, "Hell, yeah!"
-Hell, yeah!

Say, "Hold the fucking jam!"

-Hold the fucking jam!
-What?

Ha! Ha! Ha!

[scatting]

Come on.

[Reggie] There's only gonna be
three more hours. Three more hours.

[audience cheering and laughing]

Let's get those calories burned.

[Reggie shouts]

Yo, thanks a lot
for coming out to Spatial, motherfuckers!

[audience cheering]

[Reggie yells]

[indistinct yelling]

[indistinct yelling]