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1
00:00:01,542 --> 00:00:05,171
Guys, this is the best laundry
party I've ever thrown.
2
00:00:05,463 --> 00:00:07,840
You can't just stick the word "party"
on anything and make it fun.
3
00:00:08,132 --> 00:00:10,676
You're just mad because you
missed Brad's gum surgery party.
4
00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:13,638
Well, save the date,
because next week
5
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,765
I'm having
an asymmetrical mole removed.
6
00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,767
The theme will either be
"Dressed to the benigns"
7
00:00:18,059 --> 00:00:20,019
or "It's time to get my
affairs in order." Hmm.
8
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:22,813
Ooh! That's
a lot of laundry, buddy.
9
00:00:23,105 --> 00:00:24,815
Actually, this is all candy. Oh.
10
00:00:25,107 --> 00:00:26,692
Yeah. I trick-or-treated
my way over here.
11
00:00:26,984 --> 00:00:28,110
It's not even close
to Halloween.
12
00:00:28,402 --> 00:00:29,987
Yeah, but it turns out if
you ring someone's doorbell
13
00:00:30,279 --> 00:00:32,448
and then scream in their face "Trick
or treat?" as loud as you can,
14
00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:34,242
they'll just give you
whatever they have on them.
15
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,494
This one guy, he gave
me all his laundry.
16
00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,204
Hmm? And the cool thing
is that it's all XXL,
17
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,122
so I have room to grow into it.
18
00:00:40,414 --> 00:00:41,749
You're a terrifying individual.
19
00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:43,918
Oh, hey, Dave, you wanna throw
your shirts in with mine?
20
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,088
Oh, no, no, no. These... These
require special attention.
21
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,132
In fact, sometimes I throw them on wet and
run-dry them so they keep their shape.
22
00:00:50,424 --> 00:00:52,218
But then I get all sweaty, and
it's like, here we go again!
23
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,970
Would not change a thing
about what you're doing.
24
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:55,930
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
25
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,766
There's a groupon at the aquarium
to swim with the dolphins.
26
00:00:59,058 --> 00:00:59,934
Mama likes dolphins.
27
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,686
Nope.
Hey!
28
00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:03,229
Mama always does this.
29
00:01:03,521 --> 00:01:05,022
You see something you like,
you buy it,
30
00:01:05,314 --> 00:01:06,816
and then you lose interest immediately.
You're too impulsive.
31
00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:08,651
I am not too impulsive.
32
00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:11,195
You bought us
a timeshare in Tampa.
33
00:01:11,487 --> 00:01:13,573
The lady at the kiosk said it's
the Sacramento of the east.
34
00:01:13,864 --> 00:01:15,366
Now we gotta go to Tampa
every year.
35
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:16,826
Tampa's not a place that you go.
36
00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:18,369
It's a place that you end up.
37
00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:21,205
My bitch is the same way.
What?
38
00:01:21,497 --> 00:01:24,250
Brad buys so much junk on QVC,
we could start our own show.
39
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,711
But we won't.
40
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:29,672
Whatever, Jane.
It's not junk, all right?
41
00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:32,300
For example, while you porkers
have been doing laundry,
42
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,011
I've been sitting here, getting a
killer ab workout with my new...
43
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,471
Electro Ab Belt.
44
00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:39,098
The electro-pulse stimulation...
45
00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:40,808
Uhh!
Tones and shapes your...
46
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:41,809
...abs.
47
00:01:42,101 --> 00:01:43,352
Huh?
48
00:01:43,644 --> 00:01:44,729
For improved muscle defi...
49
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,856
...nition!
50
00:01:48,774 --> 00:01:50,818
Anyway...
51
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,195
I predict that Alex buys the
groupon and never uses it.
52
00:01:53,487 --> 00:01:55,197
I am absolutely gonna use it.
53
00:01:55,489 --> 00:01:57,575
Okay, how many unredeemed
groupons do you have currently?
54
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:58,868
What?
55
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,411
Hmm?
56
00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:02,204
How many?
Eleven.
57
00:02:02,496 --> 00:02:05,041
Eleven. Okay. Well, I think it's
time that you learned a lesson.
58
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,293
Tell you what. If you use all
your groupons in one week,
59
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:09,462
I'll buy you that
dolphin groupon and
60
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:10,630
I'll do it with ya.
61
00:02:10,921 --> 00:02:12,465
You're on, ping-pong.
62
00:02:12,757 --> 00:02:14,925
Mmm. Okay.
Well, good luck, Alex.
63
00:02:15,217 --> 00:02:16,510
I'm rooting for you.
64
00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:17,678
Okay? You all right?
65
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:19,805
What I meant to say is,
I'm in your...
66
00:02:20,097 --> 00:02:20,890
...corner.
67
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,975
Ow! Oh, God!
68
00:02:23,267 --> 00:02:23,934
It's just... It's not
even pulsing anymore.
69
00:02:24,226 --> 00:02:25,478
Ow!
70
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:26,312
Get that off of him.
It's just constant.
71
00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:27,688
I don't...
Ow!
72
00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:28,981
So painful!
It shocked me!
73
00:02:29,273 --> 00:02:30,358
Take it off! All right. I'm trying.
I don't know where...
74
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:32,234
Ohh.
75
00:02:32,526 --> 00:02:33,861
I need to sit on a trash bag.
We need a trash bag. We just...
76
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,446
No! It's happens.
It just happens.
77
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:36,113
It's okay. It's okay.
78
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,211
Last time I was there, I
think I left a suede jacket.
79
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,630
I'd love to get that back,
with or without the cat.
80
00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:55,675
Oh, PS. There's a live cat
living in that jacket.
81
00:02:55,966 --> 00:02:57,051
Oh, my God.
82
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:58,135
I see the guy
whose life I ruined,
83
00:02:58,427 --> 00:03:00,971
who in turn vowed to ruin mine.
84
00:03:01,263 --> 00:03:02,098
If you find my coat cat, he
answers to the name "Coat Cat."
85
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:03,224
Gotta go. Bye!
86
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,351
Hey, Chase.
87
00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:07,770
Buddy, old pal.
You know what's cool?
88
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,063
The last time we saw each other,
89
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:11,065
we left things
on the best terms possible.
90
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:13,693
I've been looking for you, Max.
91
00:03:13,984 --> 00:03:15,194
To tell me that
you're back at work
92
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:16,612
and that you're back
with your wife?
93
00:03:16,904 --> 00:03:18,531
Nope. Thanks to you,
I'm still unemployed,
94
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,491
and my ex-wife's engaged
to my brother.
95
00:03:20,783 --> 00:03:22,284
I'd kill myself,
96
00:03:22,576 --> 00:03:23,911
but guess who has to give
a toast at their wedding?
97
00:03:24,203 --> 00:03:27,289
Ooh, boy. That is rough'em
stuff'em robots, pal.
98
00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:29,166
I've been following you
for weeks,
99
00:03:29,458 --> 00:03:30,876
trying to craft a plan
to ruin your life.
100
00:03:31,168 --> 00:03:32,920
Funny thing is,
your life is so pathetic
101
00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:34,255
I doubt I can make it any worse.
102
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,215
It's un-sabotagable.
103
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:39,218
Hey. Come on. I got a
lot of stuff going on.
104
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,429
I, uh, recently
bought a ladle...
105
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,597
For soups.
106
00:03:43,889 --> 00:03:46,475
I, uh... I read half an
article on fish oil.
107
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:49,019
And, uh, I just learned
how to do the Heimlich.
108
00:03:49,311 --> 00:03:51,272
Can even do it on myself, so now
chewing food is my prerogative.
109
00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:53,983
Your life sucks.
110
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:55,484
You have no job, no love life.
111
00:03:55,776 --> 00:03:57,027
Your apartment is disgusting.
112
00:03:57,319 --> 00:03:58,738
I considered releasing
rats in there,
113
00:03:59,029 --> 00:04:00,406
but you already had rats in
there way bigger than mine.
114
00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:01,741
Don't beat yourself up, pal.
115
00:04:02,032 --> 00:04:03,993
We're all just raising our
rats the best we can.
116
00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:06,871
What I'm trying to say is,
I'm not gonna ruin your life
117
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,957
because it's impossible to ruin
something that's already terrible.
118
00:04:10,249 --> 00:04:11,584
It'd be like adding more moms
to Facebook.
119
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,631
Penny, aren't you sick of paying
a professional ear cleaner
120
00:04:17,923 --> 00:04:19,216
to come to your house
121
00:04:19,508 --> 00:04:21,969
and painfully remove
your unwanted canal wax?
122
00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:23,929
Look, Brad, I know Jane's making you
sell all your little gadgets, but...
123
00:04:24,221 --> 00:04:25,306
Well, now you don't have to...
124
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:28,517
With the revolutionary
Ear Genie. Try it out.
125
00:04:28,809 --> 00:04:29,560
No!
126
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:30,936
What?
127
00:04:31,228 --> 00:04:33,355
No, I do not wanna buy
your used ear cleaner.
128
00:04:33,647 --> 00:04:34,857
Totally understand.
I get it.
129
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,400
Let's talk shoes.
130
00:04:36,692 --> 00:04:38,194
How are you heating yours?
131
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:39,487
I have a problem!
I need help!
132
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:41,530
I have a problem and I need help.
No! Me!
133
00:04:41,822 --> 00:04:43,282
Okay, okay. Alex first.
Alex first.
134
00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:45,409
Yes. Okay. Thank you.
135
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:46,702
So you know how Dave challenged
me to do all these groupons?
136
00:04:46,994 --> 00:04:48,662
I keep getting distracted.
137
00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,039
I didn't even make it to my
pottery class this morning.
138
00:04:58,088 --> 00:05:00,132
Ohh! It was
a total puppy pile-on.
139
00:05:00,424 --> 00:05:01,675
So you never used
your pottery groupon?
140
00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:04,428
Which means you still have 11.
Twelve.
141
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:05,971
The puppy store lady said
that there was a groupon
142
00:05:06,263 --> 00:05:07,932
for eyelash extensions.
I need those!
143
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,559
I have my dad's
stubby eyelashes.
144
00:05:10,851 --> 00:05:12,353
You guys have to do
these groupons with me,
145
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,355
keep me on track.
146
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,398
Well, as the author of several
dozen cries for help,
147
00:05:16,690 --> 00:05:17,608
I know a good one
when I hear one.
148
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:19,401
But we have to be fair.
149
00:05:19,693 --> 00:05:21,403
In the interest of conducting
a civil discourse,
150
00:05:21,695 --> 00:05:23,864
the fat slob from Illinois
has the floor.
151
00:05:24,156 --> 00:05:26,200
Thank you. Now you guys
remember Chase, right?
152
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:28,452
Oh, yeah. Yes. Super cool
guy, vowed to ruin your life.
153
00:05:28,744 --> 00:05:31,163
That's the one. Well, he said
that my life is so pathetic
154
00:05:31,455 --> 00:05:33,374
that it is un-sabotagable.
155
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,459
So I need to improve my life
to prove him wrong.
156
00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:37,253
Hmm.
157
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,046
- Huh.
- Hmm.
158
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:41,590
Well, Max...
159
00:05:41,882 --> 00:05:42,883
You know we love a challenge.
Mmm-hmm.
160
00:05:43,175 --> 00:05:44,635
But that's not
so much a challenge
161
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:46,387
as it is a suicide mission.
So we're gonna go with Alex!
162
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:47,847
Yes!
163
00:05:48,138 --> 00:05:49,265
Sorry, brah.
You're on your ahn.
164
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,058
You ain't Private Ryan,
165
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,726
and I ain't shaking hands
with Tom Hanks.
166
00:05:53,018 --> 00:05:54,770
Max, there's only one person
167
00:05:55,062 --> 00:05:57,690
who's really
up to this challenge.
168
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,276
I've waited 10 years for you to come to me.
169
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:01,151
Mmm!
170
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:06,615
How did you get a picture
of me in my underwear?
171
00:06:06,907 --> 00:06:08,951
Well, you're... You're
always in your underwear.
172
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:11,161
In fact, it's hard to find
a picture of you
173
00:06:11,453 --> 00:06:12,288
when you're clothed.
174
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:15,624
I do not envy the task
you are about to embark on.
175
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,672
What are all those
red arrows for?
176
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,507
Oh, those are all the areas
that need improvements.
177
00:06:23,799 --> 00:06:25,134
But those are all of them.
178
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:26,802
Yeah. You got
lots of bad areas.
179
00:06:27,094 --> 00:06:28,637
You're like the Oakland
of gay guys.
180
00:06:28,929 --> 00:06:30,973
Okay. Well,
where do we start?
181
00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:33,142
Small stuff.
Haircut, shower,
182
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,144
stop asking waiters if your
food could be "lasagna'd."
183
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:37,938
Jane, I'm in your
undiagnosed OCD hands.
184
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:39,607
Ahh.
Let's do this.
185
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,358
♪ How can it be permissible?
186
00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:48,282
♪ She compromise my principle
187
00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:50,784
♪ Yeah, yeah
188
00:06:53,537 --> 00:06:55,372
♪ That kind of love
is mythical
189
00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:03,255
♪ She's a craze you'd endorse,
she's a powerful force
190
00:07:03,547 --> 00:07:06,550
♪ You're obliged to conform
when there's no other course
191
00:07:06,842 --> 00:07:08,802
♪ She used to look good to me
192
00:07:09,094 --> 00:07:10,304
♪ But now I find her
193
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:13,724
♪ Simply irresistible
194
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,392
♪ She's all mine
195
00:07:15,684 --> 00:07:17,353
♪ There's no other way to go
196
00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:21,440
♪ Simply irresistible ♪
197
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:22,900
Well, well, well...
198
00:07:24,276 --> 00:07:26,028
If it isn't doubting Dave.
199
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,155
Might have to start calling
you "Doubting Dolphin Dave."
200
00:07:30,574 --> 00:07:32,242
Feeling pretty good 'cause you
knocked out a few groupons, huh?
201
00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:34,662
Not just a few.
Many few.
202
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,580
We got these
cool hooded scarves...
203
00:07:36,872 --> 00:07:38,582
And we got our
teeth whitened... Twice.
204
00:07:38,874 --> 00:07:40,751
Whitened up them teeth!
205
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,170
And we took this gorgeous portrait.
Show him.
206
00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:45,589
Got it.
Isn't it beautiful?
207
00:07:45,881 --> 00:07:47,341
It's like a portrait
of two lipstick lesbians
208
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,760
who adopted a lost boy of Sudan.
209
00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,136
Yeah, it's just been good times.
210
00:07:51,428 --> 00:07:52,721
Oh! You guys, up next...
211
00:07:53,013 --> 00:07:54,473
Tequila shots!
212
00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,558
50% off...
With this guy.
213
00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:57,685
Si, senor.
214
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,104
Ooh! Yay!
215
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,147
I hate tequila.
216
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:04,149
These groupons are
the worst thing ever.
217
00:08:04,441 --> 00:08:05,985
No, the worst thing ever
is that at this rate,
218
00:08:06,276 --> 00:08:09,071
Alex is gonna finish
these groupons by tomorrow.
219
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,531
You know what we need to do?
220
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,491
We need to sabotage her
so she can't finish.
221
00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:14,034
Why would I do that?
222
00:08:14,326 --> 00:08:16,161
Because, Pen, if Alex wins this,
223
00:08:16,453 --> 00:08:18,956
she's gonna be dragging you to
groupons for the rest of your life.
224
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:21,250
You wanna be 50 years old
and single
225
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,544
and doing half-priced
trapeze lessons?
226
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:26,672
I resent you making me
single in this hypothetical.
227
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,799
See, you could've at least given me
the dignity of having been widowed.
228
00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:30,426
Okay! Down the hatch.
229
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:32,428
Our brow-shaping groupon
is in 10.
230
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:33,887
They shoot a laser right
between your eyeballs!
231
00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:35,431
Here. Ready, Pen?
232
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:37,641
Yes! Whoo!
Whoo!
233
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:40,436
Mmm!
Ugh!
234
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:41,645
Let's take that bitch down.
235
00:08:41,937 --> 00:08:42,771
Yeah.
236
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,070
Jane!
237
00:08:50,362 --> 00:08:51,655
Check out this machine.
It's amazing.
238
00:08:51,947 --> 00:08:53,574
It sucks the garbage
off the ground,
239
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,075
so now I don't have to
throw it out on the street
240
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:56,660
through a hole in my pocket,
Andy Dufresne style.
241
00:08:56,952 --> 00:08:59,371
Max, you look great.
242
00:08:59,663 --> 00:09:00,914
I mean, really great.
243
00:09:01,206 --> 00:09:02,583
I feel great.
244
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:03,667
This morning,
I flossed my mouth,
245
00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:05,335
and my gums only bled a lot,
246
00:09:05,627 --> 00:09:07,212
as opposed to
an alarming amount.
247
00:09:07,504 --> 00:09:09,298
And you had that interview
today at that grocery store?
248
00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:10,591
How did that go?
249
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,426
I nailed it.
250
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,553
This supermarket is the worst.
251
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,013
Here's what you gotta do.
252
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,347
You gotta move the sugar cereals
253
00:09:17,639 --> 00:09:19,516
from the bottom shelf
to the top shelf,
254
00:09:19,808 --> 00:09:23,103
'cause people like me don't and/or
can't bend over to pick it up.
255
00:09:23,395 --> 00:09:24,855
I thought you were here
for the bagger position?
256
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,483
I said, any questions?
Chop-chop!
257
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:28,692
I thought you said
you nailed it.
258
00:09:28,984 --> 00:09:30,486
I did nail it, Jane.
In fact,
259
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,614
they're making me
260
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:34,990
assistant manager.
261
00:09:35,282 --> 00:09:36,742
No way.
262
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:38,744
Curds and whey.
263
00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:40,579
Guy said he liked my real
talk and fresh takes.
264
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:43,582
Wow. My plan is working
much faster than I thought.
265
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,167
Come to think of it...
266
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,921
Maybe a little too fast?
267
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:50,964
I mean, I'm weirdly happy.
My nipples stopped burning.
268
00:09:51,256 --> 00:09:52,883
No one likes my real talk
and fresh takes.
269
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,344
Once, a guy liked
my real fresh take on talks,
270
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:56,678
and that guy was me,
and I was lying.
271
00:09:56,970 --> 00:09:58,472
What is your point?
272
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,307
There's no way my life could've
turned around this quickly on my own.
273
00:10:00,599 --> 00:10:02,476
The only logical explanation
274
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:05,562
is that Chase is secretly
trying to improve it,
275
00:10:05,854 --> 00:10:07,856
building me up
only to knock me down.
276
00:10:08,148 --> 00:10:10,067
That is crazy.
277
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:12,861
Just relax
and enjoy your progress.
278
00:10:13,153 --> 00:10:14,530
Enjoy the progress, huh?
279
00:10:15,989 --> 00:10:17,783
That's exactly what
Chase would say!
280
00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,910
What? Ah! Show yourself,
you beautiful genius!
281
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,120
Max!
I'll tear this face off!
282
00:10:21,411 --> 00:10:22,287
All righty.
283
00:10:22,579 --> 00:10:24,373
Max, I'm not Chase!
284
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,584
My bad, Jane.
285
00:10:27,876 --> 00:10:29,711
Full disclosh, though?
Yeah?
286
00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:31,338
Not the first time
I thought you were a dude.
287
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,215
Aw. Thank you.
288
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:37,302
Oh!
Okay.
289
00:10:37,594 --> 00:10:40,722
Today is the last day that Alex's
dolphin groupon is available.
290
00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:43,142
All we have to do is make sure
she doesn't finish the others.
291
00:10:43,433 --> 00:10:45,644
Exactly.
So you, Alex, and Brad
292
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:47,521
are supposed to go to dinner tonight
at that new barbecue joint,
293
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:48,939
except you're not because
you and I are gonna...
294
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:50,691
Throw the phones
through the window,
295
00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:54,361
covering their pulled pork with
shattered glass and phones.
296
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,572
What? No. No, we're gonna call
and make so many reservations
297
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:58,532
that you guys can't get in.
298
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,242
But you are overlooking
one very obvious detail.
299
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,411
The restaurant is gonna
recognize our number.
300
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:04,997
That's why I got
all these burners, baby.
301
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:08,625
To throw at the reservation
guy to distract him. Yes!
302
00:11:08,917 --> 00:11:10,961
No! No! You fool, no!
Oh.
303
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:14,715
We call from
using 40 different personas.
304
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:16,425
Here are yours.
305
00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,218
Uh, southern lawyer?
306
00:11:18,510 --> 00:11:19,094
"I do declare."
307
00:11:19,386 --> 00:11:20,304
Nantucket housewife?
308
00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:21,805
"Uh, white wine spritzer,
please?"
309
00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:23,807
Julian Assange?
Is that the WikiLeaks guy?
310
00:11:24,099 --> 00:11:26,101
I can't do him.
You want me to do him?
311
00:11:26,393 --> 00:11:29,188
Whatever. Just honor the
spirit of the characters.
312
00:11:29,479 --> 00:11:31,356
But don't forget to
have fun out there, okay?
313
00:11:31,648 --> 00:11:33,692
Now your first character
is Alex.
314
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,820
Call the restaurant as her and cancel
the reservation. Okay.
315
00:11:37,112 --> 00:11:38,113
Oh, I don't
know if I can do this.
316
00:11:38,405 --> 00:11:39,448
You got this.
You got this.
317
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,575
Hey, I'm Alex Kerkovich.
318
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,827
I'm short and I love ribs.
319
00:11:44,119 --> 00:11:46,371
Do you know anything about
Alex or how reservations work?
320
00:11:46,663 --> 00:11:47,414
This is what she sounds like!
321
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,416
I need to cancel a reservation.
322
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,710
Uh... Fantastic.
Thank you.
323
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:52,753
We're screwed.
324
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,504
She has been there already
325
00:11:54,796 --> 00:11:57,883
and used all three
ribs groupons herself.
326
00:11:58,175 --> 00:11:59,134
God, we should've known.
Breakfast ribs are her favorite.
327
00:11:59,426 --> 00:12:01,094
Damn, damn, damn!
328
00:12:01,386 --> 00:12:04,223
Wait. Why do you care so much?
It's just a bet.
329
00:12:04,514 --> 00:12:07,601
Because I care about Alex, and
I'm trying to help her grow up
330
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:08,852
and be more responsible
with her money.
331
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,063
What's the real reason?
332
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,690
I have a paralyzing fear
of dolphins.
333
00:12:13,982 --> 00:12:15,776
As in, when I'm near them
334
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:16,610
I lose my poop.
335
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:20,322
Now, come on. There's
only one groupon left,
336
00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:22,491
and it's the military
obstacle course
337
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:23,867
at the Major Fitness Boot Camp.
Okay.
338
00:12:24,159 --> 00:12:25,577
If she does this, I lose,
all right?
339
00:12:25,869 --> 00:12:27,871
So we gotta stop her.
Okay.
340
00:12:28,163 --> 00:12:30,374
Why dolphins?
They seem so sweet.
341
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,793
Let's just say they
understand a lot of things,
342
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,503
but "no" isn't one of them.
343
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:38,632
Hey, Max.
344
00:12:40,133 --> 00:12:41,718
How's the new job?
Great.
345
00:12:42,010 --> 00:12:44,012
Actually, too great.
346
00:12:44,304 --> 00:12:46,431
This morning, I got approved for a
credit card, my teeth stopped burning.
347
00:12:46,723 --> 00:12:48,100
There's no way Chase
is not behind all this.
348
00:12:48,392 --> 00:12:50,435
Max, that is just normal stuff
349
00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:52,437
that happens to pretty much
everyone every day.
350
00:12:52,729 --> 00:12:53,689
Oh, my God.
She's choking!
351
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,023
Kevin!
352
00:12:55,315 --> 00:12:57,859
I don't know what to do!
Do I have to do everything?
353
00:12:58,151 --> 00:12:59,361
Okay, ready? Here we go.
Heimlich on three.
354
00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:00,988
One, two, three!
355
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,406
Oh! Oh! Oh!
356
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:04,700
All right.
357
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:05,701
Wow.
358
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,662
Great!
No, it's not.
359
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,956
Chase knows that
I've been learning CPR.
360
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,332
He is behind
everything that's happening.
361
00:13:12,624 --> 00:13:14,251
It's a coincidence.
362
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,461
Thank you so much.
363
00:13:16,753 --> 00:13:18,463
I'm a reporter for WLS Chicago,
364
00:13:18,755 --> 00:13:20,382
and you've gotta let me
do a story about you.
365
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:21,466
You're a real hero.
366
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:25,637
Yeah, it's Chase.
Yeah, it's Chase.
367
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,936
Welcome to
the Major Fitness Boot Camp!
368
00:13:33,228 --> 00:13:34,813
We have a groupon to use
the military obstacle course.
369
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:36,231
Yep. Can't wait.
Let's do this.
370
00:13:36,523 --> 00:13:38,317
Sorry, it's closed!
Oh.
371
00:13:38,608 --> 00:13:41,737
The course is flooded.
It's super yucky, ma'am.
372
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:44,865
Welp, I guess the only obstacle left
for us to overcome is disappointment.
373
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:46,533
That's it?
374
00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:48,869
I lose?
I'm sorry!
375
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:50,579
Do you have to yell everything?
376
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:52,247
I'm yelling on account
of my injury!
377
00:13:52,539 --> 00:13:54,916
Of course. You lost
your hearing in combat.
378
00:13:55,208 --> 00:13:56,626
Well, we appreciate
the sacrifice you've made
379
00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:58,795
to preserve our freedom.
No!
380
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:01,548
I busted my eardrums using
that Ear Genie ear wax remover
381
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,175
you buy on TV!
382
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:04,718
Stay away from them!
383
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:16,229
Well, well, well.
384
00:14:16,521 --> 00:14:18,940
Penny told me you didn't
finish the obstacle course.
385
00:14:19,232 --> 00:14:21,943
So it looks like instead of
swimming in a tank with dolphins,
386
00:14:22,235 --> 00:14:23,945
I'll be soaking in our tub
387
00:14:24,237 --> 00:14:26,031
with a well-worn copy of
The Time Traveler's Wife.
388
00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,742
Yeah, you won. I lost.
389
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,577
You're right.
I make terrible decisions.
390
00:14:30,869 --> 00:14:32,746
I'm an impulsive idiot.
391
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:35,957
Oh, honey, come on.
I wouldn't say "idiot."
392
00:14:36,249 --> 00:14:38,210
Really? The cotton candy maker I bought
on the way home might disagree with you.
393
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,256
It doesn't actually talk.
Those were, like, $200 more.
394
00:14:43,548 --> 00:14:45,717
Hey, listen. Don't beat
yourself up over it.
395
00:14:46,009 --> 00:14:47,302
I love cotton candy, too.
396
00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:49,179
Well, I am returning it,
397
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:50,639
'cause it's time for me to get
my head out of the clouds
398
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:53,183
and stop eating food
that looks like clouds.
399
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,644
Caulifiower is healthy,
and it looks like clouds.
400
00:14:56,728 --> 00:14:58,313
Now I'm confused...
401
00:14:58,605 --> 00:15:00,399
And hungry.
402
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:03,360
Would you care
for some delicious cotton candy?
403
00:15:03,652 --> 00:15:06,071
I lied. I did spend
the extra $200.
404
00:15:07,614 --> 00:15:09,241
And it was $300.
405
00:15:13,912 --> 00:15:15,497
Chase is doing
some dang old good work.
406
00:15:15,789 --> 00:15:18,667
A tip of the ol' James hat
to him.
407
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:20,961
But I am not gonna give him the
satisfaction of destroying my life.
408
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,671
No, sir.
409
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,423
I'm gonna do that myself.
410
00:15:28,176 --> 00:15:30,011
You're sure you wanna do this?
Yeah.
411
00:15:30,303 --> 00:15:31,847
Breaks my heart, but okay.
412
00:15:35,016 --> 00:15:36,184
You do have a full-time job,
right?
413
00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:38,854
♪ Simply irresistible
414
00:15:41,606 --> 00:15:42,858
There we go. Get it.
415
00:15:44,025 --> 00:15:45,735
♪ Simply irresistible
416
00:15:46,027 --> 00:15:48,947
♪ She's so fine, there's no
telling where the money went
417
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,285
♪ Simply irresistible,
she's all mine
418
00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:55,579
♪ There's no other way to go
419
00:15:57,539 --> 00:15:58,874
♪ Simply irresistible ♪
420
00:16:03,628 --> 00:16:05,922
Well, you're pretty much right
back to where you started,
421
00:16:06,214 --> 00:16:07,215
human pastrami.
422
00:16:07,507 --> 00:16:08,800
It's not good enough, Jane.
423
00:16:09,092 --> 00:16:10,969
You gotta take me
to negative five,
424
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:12,554
make sure Chase
stays away for good.
425
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,181
But there's nothing left
to destroy.
426
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:15,974
I mean, all you really have
left is your health.
427
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:18,768
Okay. Take it. Hit me.
428
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:20,187
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
429
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,147
Jane, your ankles are fat.
430
00:16:24,816 --> 00:16:26,776
Yeah. I'm not
falling for that.
431
00:16:27,068 --> 00:16:29,362
Jane, your bundt cake is
on the wrong side of moist.
432
00:16:29,654 --> 00:16:30,822
That is ridiculous.
433
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:33,366
At times, you're
woefully unprepared.
434
00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:34,451
Uhh!
Ohh!
435
00:16:35,076 --> 00:16:35,744
Oh!
436
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,500
This is the first time I've
ever been attracted to a woman.
437
00:16:43,251 --> 00:16:44,044
I wanna put a baby in you.
438
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:48,965
So what'd you guys do,
bring me here to gloat?
439
00:16:49,257 --> 00:16:51,176
Alex,
440
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:53,261
I have a confession to make.
441
00:16:53,553 --> 00:16:55,013
Penny and I engaged in
the French art of sabotage.
442
00:16:57,265 --> 00:16:58,725
We flooded the course so
you couldn't do it. What?
443
00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:00,060
I can't believe you guys.
444
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,562
I didn't want a laser
shot at my eyes.
445
00:17:02,854 --> 00:17:04,523
I don't think that's
an unreasonable position.
446
00:17:04,814 --> 00:17:06,983
But then, Alex, I saw you with
that cotton candy machine,
447
00:17:07,275 --> 00:17:08,985
and I realized that I love
that you're impulsive
448
00:17:09,277 --> 00:17:10,904
and you do those
kinds of things.
449
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:11,947
That's what makes you, you.
450
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,157
Aw! Yeah, it is.
451
00:17:14,449 --> 00:17:16,159
It's great. We really
complement each other.
452
00:17:16,451 --> 00:17:17,619
I mean,
you're the impulsive one,
453
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,246
and I'm the grounded one
that thinks things through.
454
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,997
No. No. No, no, no, no.
455
00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:22,874
- You're not grounded in the least.
- No. No. No!
456
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:24,084
Super impulsive.
No. Yes.
457
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:25,919
How am I impulsive?
458
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:27,629
When you saw Munich, you
tried to get bar mitzvah'd.
459
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:29,506
You bought a timeshare
in Tampa next to Alex's.
460
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:30,840
You bought 40 burner cell phones
461
00:17:31,132 --> 00:17:32,759
to make 40 untraceable
dinner reservations.
462
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:34,219
You have the facial hair you have.
Eh!
463
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,429
Okay, I get it!
I get it.
464
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:38,014
Leave the goatee out of it.
465
00:17:38,306 --> 00:17:39,266
It's hard to leave it out.
Really hard.
466
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,642
You know what?
467
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:43,019
Maybe two impulsive people
can work in a relationship.
468
00:17:43,311 --> 00:17:44,854
Hey, it works
for Ice and Coco T.
469
00:17:45,146 --> 00:17:46,690
Sure as hell does.
470
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,149
Here's the dolphin groupon.
471
00:17:48,441 --> 00:17:49,734
But before I give it to you,
472
00:17:50,026 --> 00:17:50,860
you have to do
the obstacle course.
473
00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:52,112
But it's closed.
474
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,697
So let's be impulsive.
475
00:17:55,156 --> 00:17:56,116
Hmm.
476
00:18:17,929 --> 00:18:19,764
Aah! Uhh.
477
00:18:22,809 --> 00:18:23,685
Uhh!
478
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:27,814
Aah!
479
00:18:31,484 --> 00:18:32,902
Perhaps there's a downside
480
00:18:33,194 --> 00:18:35,280
to having two impulsive
people in a relationship.
481
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,574
Someone should warn
Ice and Coco T.
482
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:40,160
I don't think you guys should be
left alone without supervision.
483
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:43,204
Yeah, it's like all of a sudden we're
parents to two 30-year-old dum-dums.
484
00:18:43,496 --> 00:18:44,205
Three.
485
00:18:45,498 --> 00:18:47,459
Max, again, I am so, so sorry.
486
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:49,419
It's okay.
You did good, baby.
487
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,379
Chase can't hurt us anymore.
488
00:18:51,671 --> 00:18:52,547
Max, is that you?
489
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:56,259
Chase?
490
00:18:57,510 --> 00:18:58,595
What are you doing here?
491
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,388
After we spoke on the street,
492
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:01,973
I slipped on that slice of pizza
you dropped and I hit my head.
493
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,434
I've been unconscious
for three days.
494
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,145
Unconscious?
495
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,105
So then it couldn't have
been you building my life up
496
00:19:09,397 --> 00:19:10,857
only to knock it down.
497
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:12,901
First of all, I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
498
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:14,402
I didn't ask.
Secondly, no, I wasn't.
499
00:19:14,694 --> 00:19:15,904
But I'm so glad you're here
500
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,947
because I wanna
tell you something.
501
00:19:18,239 --> 00:19:20,367
I don't know where you fall in
the existence of an afterlife,
502
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:24,537
but I'm here to tell you
there is another place.
503
00:19:24,829 --> 00:19:27,082
It's a spiritual realm ruled by
powerful yet merciful beings.
504
00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:29,959
I was there, Max,
505
00:19:30,251 --> 00:19:32,337
and I was headed
for sweet eternal peace.
506
00:19:33,963 --> 00:19:35,882
But then I realized
507
00:19:36,174 --> 00:19:38,343
I could not transcend to the
next plane until I took care
508
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,012
of the unfinished business
of this world...
509
00:19:41,304 --> 00:19:43,431
The unfinished business
of ruining your life.
510
00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:45,975
It was you.
511
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:49,020
I came back for you.
512
00:19:49,312 --> 00:19:51,648
I have looked deep into the
abyss of the next world,
513
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:53,191
and it is beautiful.
514
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,110
But before I make
that pilgrimage,
515
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:58,113
I will stop at nothing
to lay waste
516
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,323
to what you so tragically call
517
00:20:00,615 --> 00:20:01,616
your life.
518
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:06,621
Wow.
519
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,375
That guy is still so cool.
520
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,711
That was perfectly timed
with his exit.
521
00:20:13,002 --> 00:20:15,088
Do you think he rehearsed that
with the nurses beforehand?
522
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:16,881
You know, Max, the good news is
523
00:20:17,173 --> 00:20:18,550
that now we know you have the
ability to improve your life
524
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:20,176
all by yourself.
525
00:20:21,344 --> 00:20:22,679
Yeah, I guess you're right.
526
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:24,180
And I would be more
than happy to help you.
527
00:20:24,472 --> 00:20:25,724
Because if you put
your mind to it,
528
00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:27,267
you could achieve things
you only dreamed of.
529
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:29,894
So what do you say?
530
00:20:33,064 --> 00:20:34,482
It sounds like a lot of work.
Hard pass.
531
00:20:34,774 --> 00:20:36,109
Yeah, that's okay.
I understand.
532
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,277
Well, I gotta go, buddy. Take care.
Bye, everybody.
533
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,241
Ugh. I got passed up for
another promotion at work.
534
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:46,077
I really need to change
some things in my life.
535
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:51,708
You know, on second thought,
536
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,418
why should I even doubt myself?
537
00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,712
I mean, I don't even want
that job anyways.
538
00:20:56,629 --> 00:20:58,882
Yeah. Yeah.
539
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:01,342
So, Alex, are you going to that
dolphin thing with Dave today?
540
00:21:02,343 --> 00:21:04,471
Oh, no.
541
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,848
I can do this.
I can do this.
542
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,059
Oh, no. No way.
543
00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:12,812
I know what you guys want,
544
00:21:13,104 --> 00:21:14,189
and you're not getting it!
40570
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