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1
00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:02,668
Guys, I'm not gonna lie.
2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,630
It has been one hell of
a month for old Pen.
3
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,090
Broken engage, infested condo,
4
00:00:08,382 --> 00:00:09,842
Glenn Beck put his
fingers in my mouth.
5
00:00:10,134 --> 00:00:11,552
That's the last time
6
00:00:11,844 --> 00:00:12,470
we go to one of his book
signings ironically.
7
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,972
Yeah. Ironically.
8
00:00:15,264 --> 00:00:17,266
But I do wanna thank my
temporary roomies Brad and Jane
9
00:00:17,558 --> 00:00:19,018
for your hospitality,
your support,
10
00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:21,354
and your vast collection
of cashmere throws.
11
00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:23,898
Cotton irritates
my Nipsey Russells.
12
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,734
Hey, watch your mouth when you're
talking about the fabric of our lives.
13
00:00:27,026 --> 00:00:28,736
I think I've earned the
right to talk about cotton
14
00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,279
any way I damn well please.
15
00:00:30,571 --> 00:00:32,281
I believe you have, sir.
16
00:00:32,573 --> 00:00:34,534
I'm secretly glad that your
exterminator's taking so long.
17
00:00:34,825 --> 00:00:35,993
It's been so nice
having you stay with us.
18
00:00:36,285 --> 00:00:38,371
We're like a... A little family.
Yeah!
19
00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,248
Yeah, Brad's the dad,
Jane's the mom,
20
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:43,543
and Penny's the little baby
with the thick knockers.
21
00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,086
Which she clearly got from
my side of the family.
22
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,421
Hey.
What?
23
00:00:47,713 --> 00:00:49,090
She got them big thangs.
You got them bee stings.
24
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:50,424
Yeah, I do.
25
00:00:50,716 --> 00:00:51,217
Bzz!
All right.
26
00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:53,761
Ugh. Stop.
27
00:00:54,053 --> 00:00:55,179
Hey, Penny!
28
00:00:55,471 --> 00:00:56,806
Hey, Shaun!
29
00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,599
Hey, I wanna apologize for
that workout mix I gave you.
30
00:00:58,891 --> 00:01:00,268
There was way too much
better than Ezra on there.
31
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,894
No, it was great.
32
00:01:02,186 --> 00:01:03,563
I didn't even know they
had more than one song.
33
00:01:03,854 --> 00:01:04,730
All right, cool. I'll see
you in cardio sculpt?
34
00:01:05,022 --> 00:01:06,190
Cardio sculpt?
35
00:01:06,482 --> 00:01:07,858
I hope to. Bye.
All right, bye.
36
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:10,570
Oh. Who was that slice
of peach pie?
37
00:01:10,861 --> 00:01:12,905
Cute, right?
Suh kyut, Penny.
38
00:01:13,197 --> 00:01:14,574
I mean, you should
take him to Bone Town.
39
00:01:14,865 --> 00:01:17,034
You know that rib joint on Halsted?
I love that place.
40
00:01:17,326 --> 00:01:19,412
I don't know.
He asked me out, but...
41
00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:21,664
I don't think I'm ready
for another relationship yet.
42
00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:23,708
I mean, this whole Pete thing
has been such a roller coaster.
43
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,751
Ups, downs, barfing.
44
00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:28,212
I just... I'm still
pretty bummed out.
45
00:01:28,504 --> 00:01:29,630
I know you are, sweetie,
46
00:01:29,922 --> 00:01:32,508
but no one's talking about
a relationship, okay?
47
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,344
You need a fling,
nothing serious.
48
00:01:35,636 --> 00:01:37,805
I have got it.
49
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:40,433
I am gonna host a no
pressure, double dinner date
50
00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:42,476
for you and Shaun at our place.
51
00:01:42,768 --> 00:01:43,477
And like five out
of five frat guys,
52
00:01:43,769 --> 00:01:45,104
I am not gonna take
no for an answer.
53
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:47,898
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
54
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:50,067
All right! Okay!
Okay! Okay!
55
00:01:50,359 --> 00:01:51,027
I'll call him. Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do...
56
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:52,653
Thank you.
57
00:01:52,945 --> 00:01:54,947
- Guys, put your wallets away...
- Mmm?
58
00:01:55,239 --> 00:01:56,532
Because this dinner
59
00:01:56,824 --> 00:01:57,700
is on me.
60
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:01,329
Run!
61
00:02:05,916 --> 00:02:09,211
Guys, what part of "Dinner's on
me, flawless diversion, run"
62
00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:10,671
did you not understand?
63
00:02:10,963 --> 00:02:13,007
Dude, you can't dine and
dash at Rosalita's.
64
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:14,675
We come here, like,
six times a day.
65
00:02:14,967 --> 00:02:17,678
I know. I am just,
like, hella broke right now.
66
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:19,597
Just droppin' off
this month's rent.
67
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,726
Dude, you gotta get a job.
68
00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:25,936
I know. I...
I'm gonna get a job.
69
00:02:26,228 --> 00:02:28,898
I just need to borrow,
like, a thousand dollars
70
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:30,566
for my resume. And rent.
71
00:02:30,858 --> 00:02:31,942
And a business formal tie.
72
00:02:32,234 --> 00:02:33,819
And beer.
73
00:02:34,111 --> 00:02:34,570
And transportation
to a job interview.
74
00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:36,155
And a frog costume.
75
00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:37,948
Frog costume? Oh, say
no more, my friend.
76
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:38,991
I got extra money for that.
77
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,216
Knock, knock, Jane!
78
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,134
Brad delivery service.
79
00:02:57,426 --> 00:02:59,220
We pick that sweet ass up and
bring that sweet ass home.
80
00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:01,889
Oh.
81
00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:04,183
Uh, Mr. Sarofsky.
82
00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:06,227
Sorry. Jane said there
was a luna bar in here.
83
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,229
I need the estrogen. I'm trying to
get rid of the stubble on my back.
84
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:09,730
Uch! I mean, cool.
85
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:13,275
So how's...
How's the missus?
86
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,985
Oh. Candice?
Yeah.
87
00:03:15,277 --> 00:03:17,988
She's great...
At being a huge bitch.
88
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,740
She kicked me
out of the house, Brad,
89
00:03:20,032 --> 00:03:22,493
and now she's slapping me
in the face with a big D.
90
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,495
I'm sorry?
Divorce.
91
00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:26,497
Oh!
Wow.
92
00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:29,250
Um, listen, I'm sorry
to hear that, man.
93
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:30,793
Look, if you ever wanna talk...
94
00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:32,670
Yeah, I do. That'd be great.
How about tonight?
95
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,338
Uh...
96
00:03:36,048 --> 00:03:37,216
Dinner party.
97
00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,260
Jane and I have a dinner
party tonight, so...
98
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,095
All right.
99
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,138
Well, I'll just
hang out here anyway,
100
00:03:43,347 --> 00:03:44,849
probably sleep in a Corolla.
101
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:47,226
All alone,
102
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:48,436
by myself,
103
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:50,730
crying like a baby
104
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:52,231
trapped in a well.
105
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:53,482
Do you wanna join us for dinner?
106
00:03:53,774 --> 00:03:55,818
Does the Car Czar have a camera
in the women's bathroom?
107
00:03:56,110 --> 00:03:57,862
No, I do not and would not,
108
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,947
but, yeah, I wanna
come over for dinner.
109
00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,408
Right on. Hey, boo.
I'm ready to go.
110
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,536
Great. Uh, a tiny
adorable addendum.
111
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:08,247
Car Czar's
coming over for dinner.
112
00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:09,665
Isn't that great?
113
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:11,751
Uh...
114
00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:19,884
'Sup, shmorons.
115
00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:21,677
Happy now?
116
00:04:21,969 --> 00:04:23,179
What do you mean? And how
did you get in here?
117
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:24,638
And why are you wearing my robe?
118
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:27,475
I have keys, and
I refuse to explain the robe.
119
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,393
You guys remember how you
were on me to get a job?
120
00:04:29,685 --> 00:04:31,353
Well, I found an even better
way to make some money.
121
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:36,150
I'm gonna be a contestant
in Mr. Super Gay Chicago.
122
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,360
Happy now?
123
00:04:38,652 --> 00:04:39,779
Oh, that's where
that "happy now?" goes.
124
00:04:40,070 --> 00:04:42,031
Mr. What?
Super gay where?
125
00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:44,450
The super gay pageant they
have every year at Rosalita's.
126
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:46,494
Grand prize is 1,000 bucks.
127
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,370
What better way
to make some cash
128
00:04:48,662 --> 00:04:50,664
than a high-risk, unpredictable,
subjective contest?
129
00:04:50,956 --> 00:04:52,708
I mean, it's foolproof.
130
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,170
Max, when we said "Get a job,"
this is not what we meant.
131
00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:58,714
This is so much better!
It's awesome!
132
00:04:59,006 --> 00:05:00,382
And I can totally help you.
133
00:05:00,674 --> 00:05:02,760
I have seen every episode
of Toddlers & Tiaras,
134
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,762
Pageant Kings, Baby Queens,
and King of Queens.
135
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,222
That last one is just a pageant
of comedy where everyone wins.
136
00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:07,348
Of course.
137
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,974
And I can help, too.
138
00:05:09,266 --> 00:05:10,935
When I was a kid, I was regional
champ at Junior Mister,
139
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:12,603
the young gentlemen's pageant.
140
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:13,521
You were in pageants as a kid?
141
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:14,939
Uh, correction, Officer.
142
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:17,107
I won pageants as a young adult.
143
00:05:17,399 --> 00:05:19,360
Thanks, guys.
144
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,362
♪ Queer he is
145
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:26,367
♪ Mr. Super Gay Chicago ♪
146
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:27,117
We have a lot of work to do.
147
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,039
How could you
invite the Car Czar over?
148
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,917
He's clearly drunk and ruining
Shaun and Penny's date.
149
00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:36,502
I'm sorry. When I'm in
an awkward situation,
150
00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:38,254
I panic and invite people
to things...
151
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:39,964
Like when I invited that
mall Santa to our wedding.
152
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:41,298
Oh, yeah. I can't forget Darryl.
Don't worry.
153
00:05:42,299 --> 00:05:45,177
Who's hungry?
154
00:05:45,469 --> 00:05:48,430
Whoa! Janie...
Where's the meat course?
155
00:05:48,722 --> 00:05:51,100
Huh? So far it feels like this
dinner's been catered by Moby.
156
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,479
Boom!
157
00:05:55,771 --> 00:05:57,439
It is a vegetarian meal
for Shaun,
158
00:05:57,731 --> 00:06:00,317
the guest we wanted
and therefore invited.
159
00:06:00,609 --> 00:06:03,779
Now, Shaun, what were you saying
about complete proteins again?
160
00:06:04,071 --> 00:06:05,489
You can get all the amino acids
you need from a rice-bean combo.
161
00:06:05,781 --> 00:06:06,782
Oh, Shaun!
162
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,871
Shaun! Come on!
163
00:06:12,162 --> 00:06:13,622
Meat is what
makes your meat work.
164
00:06:13,914 --> 00:06:14,707
Oh, God.
165
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:15,791
Okay.
166
00:06:16,083 --> 00:06:17,751
Shaun, listen.
167
00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:20,629
I get the whole
double date thing, okay?
168
00:06:20,921 --> 00:06:23,257
And I don't wanna embarrass
you in front of your gal.
169
00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:24,508
But... I really think
we should wrestle.
170
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:25,885
What?
171
00:06:26,176 --> 00:06:29,555
Yeah. I win,
we eat steak.
172
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:32,308
You win, you shut up for
the rest of your life.
173
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,310
Huh? What do you say,
baby corn?
174
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,270
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's get this off.
175
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,063
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You're
gonna wanna move comfortably.
176
00:06:38,355 --> 00:06:39,648
Let's get undressed. Let's get this off.
Whoa. Okay.
177
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:41,025
Let's get naked.
Uh, okay.
178
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,651
No.
This is getting weird.
179
00:06:42,943 --> 00:06:44,069
It's gettin' really weird.
Yeah, let's get weird.
180
00:06:44,361 --> 00:06:46,280
Um, I'm gonna go. Sorry, Penny.
Sorry, Penny. No, Shaun.
181
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,073
Let's get weird. No, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
182
00:06:48,365 --> 00:06:49,283
Shaun... Let's not get weird.
Shaun!
183
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:50,910
You were gonna tell us
about lentils!
184
00:06:51,201 --> 00:06:52,453
Must be his time
of the month, huh?
185
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:53,621
What the hell is wrong with you?
186
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:56,832
I'm going to my room.
187
00:06:58,626 --> 00:06:59,668
Uncle Freddie!
188
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:00,961
Oh, you're up.
189
00:07:01,253 --> 00:07:02,796
Again?
How did you get in here?
190
00:07:03,088 --> 00:07:04,632
I slept here.
191
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,717
Okay, we need to work on my
training for Mr. Super Gay Chicago.
192
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:07,968
I went to orientation
last night,
193
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:10,095
and the competition is stiff.
194
00:07:10,387 --> 00:07:11,972
They disqualified that guy,
195
00:07:12,264 --> 00:07:13,140
but the rest of the
competition is pretty good.
196
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,268
Okay, let's get started.
197
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,146
I'm gonna teach you my winning
routine from Junior Mister '94.
198
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:20,439
It was the cream de la cream.
199
00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:27,154
♪ They say
we're young and we don't know
200
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:30,491
♪ Won't find out
until we grow ♪
201
00:07:32,993 --> 00:07:36,163
Uh, Dave, welcome to the
31 st century. Okay?
202
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:39,917
Ma, to win, you need flash,
flash, flash, and fire.
203
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,003
No. Trust me, as a member
of the small fraternity
204
00:07:43,295 --> 00:07:45,005
of willing, straight male
pageant veterans,
205
00:07:45,297 --> 00:07:46,340
I know you need something
a little more rare.
206
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,467
Class.
207
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,344
Whatever.
208
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:51,845
There's a bunch of categories,
so we'll just divide it up.
209
00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:53,013
Dave, you'll take
Q&A and talent.
210
00:07:53,305 --> 00:07:54,390
Alex, you'll take clubwear
and gay fitness.
211
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:57,267
Fine, as long as
Alex doesn't mess this up.
212
00:07:57,559 --> 00:07:58,519
Uh, I think you have me
confused with your hairstylist.
213
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,229
Count it.
214
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:01,814
I'll also be covering
the category
215
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:03,148
of stone-cold bitchy comebacks.
216
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,358
Yeah, babe!
217
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:05,234
What just happened?
218
00:08:09,196 --> 00:08:10,781
Hey, Pen. I just
wanted to apologize
219
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:11,865
for your date
getting ruined last night.
220
00:08:12,157 --> 00:08:14,201
I feel terrible...
221
00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:16,662
That Brad invited the Car Czar.
222
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:18,038
Well, thank you for the apology.
I appreciate it.
223
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:19,289
But I gotta get ready for work
224
00:08:19,581 --> 00:08:21,375
so I'll see you guys later,
okay? Bye!
225
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:22,668
Babe, I got the caramel open.
226
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,545
Get your buns in here.
227
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,547
Oh... My... Goodness.
228
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,258
Penny made a boo-boo.
229
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,135
Look, Jane, you
gotta get me out of this!
230
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:33,429
Hey! Close the door! What,
do you live in a barn?
231
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:41,186
So that's why you and Penny
seeing each other is a...
232
00:08:41,478 --> 00:08:42,521
Bad idea.
233
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,023
Yeah.
234
00:08:44,314 --> 00:08:45,941
Yeah, I mean...
235
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:47,192
Thank you
for the heads-up, Jane.
236
00:08:47,484 --> 00:08:48,235
I had...
237
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:52,406
No idea she was a democrat.
238
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:55,159
Well, I am gonna steer
clear of that pro-union whore.
239
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:55,993
Thank you.
240
00:08:58,370 --> 00:08:59,747
So you're out of it.
241
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,458
Oh, thank God! Thank you, Jane.
You have saved my life.
242
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:04,293
Babe, what do
you think of my tushie
243
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:07,588
on a scale from one to mouthwatering?
244
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,466
What is wrong with you?
First of all, he is my boss.
245
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,093
Second of all, he is the
grossest man I have ever met.
246
00:09:13,385 --> 00:09:14,928
He has a standing order
247
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,973
at the strip club behind
the dealership, eggs.
248
00:09:18,265 --> 00:09:19,725
I know, but I've never been
with a guy like him before.
249
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,894
He's brash and old-school,
250
00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,729
like Don Draper with twice the
drinking and half the hair.
251
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,689
Plus the sex is amazing.
252
00:09:25,981 --> 00:09:27,608
- Okay, please don't judge me!
- Bye!
253
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,318
We are not done
talking about this!
254
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:30,694
All aboard.
255
00:09:30,986 --> 00:09:32,988
Mistake, mistake.
Mistake. Mistake.
256
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:34,031
Mistake.
257
00:09:34,823 --> 00:09:36,408
Okay, Max,
258
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:39,536
the Mr. Super Gay Chicago
Q&A section is crucial.
259
00:09:39,828 --> 00:09:42,122
First question,
frittata or quiche?
260
00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:43,624
Well... Wrong answer.
261
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:44,875
I didn't even answer.
262
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:46,710
Don't be so literal, Max.
263
00:09:47,002 --> 00:09:48,879
Does Dave Matthews sing
Ants Marching
264
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:50,589
because he wants to see
ants marching?
265
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:51,882
I don't know.
The man's a genius.
266
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,550
It's none of our business.
267
00:09:53,842 --> 00:09:54,718
The point is, it's about style.
268
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,346
Now you see this?
269
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,973
These are called ponder hands.
270
00:10:00,265 --> 00:10:02,559
They make me look like
I'm pondering the answer.
271
00:10:02,851 --> 00:10:05,687
Now you try. Where do you put
your hands when you ponder?
272
00:10:07,397 --> 00:10:08,690
No, damn it!
273
00:10:10,275 --> 00:10:12,027
What's this?
274
00:10:12,319 --> 00:10:14,446
Is this what Alex has you
wearing in clubwear?
275
00:10:14,738 --> 00:10:16,532
Oh, my God.
That is absolutely...
276
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,867
Terrible? That's what he
said about my clubwear?
277
00:10:19,159 --> 00:10:20,160
I'm sorry, Max,
but you look amazing.
278
00:10:20,452 --> 00:10:22,162
Are you sure, Alex?
279
00:10:22,454 --> 00:10:22,996
'Cause there's a breeze, like...
280
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,165
Everywhere.
281
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:27,835
It's better to be
memorable than boring.
282
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,462
Do you want to be Russell
Brand or Russell Bland?
283
00:10:30,754 --> 00:10:32,923
Are those my only two options?
284
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,342
You have to act like you're bigger
than this whole competition.
285
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:37,177
Forget ponder hands.
286
00:10:37,469 --> 00:10:39,138
You need to practice
your eye rolls.
287
00:10:39,429 --> 00:10:40,597
Come on. Throw some
shade for papa.
288
00:10:42,307 --> 00:10:44,643
Not big enough.
289
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:46,770
I wanna see only whites.
290
00:10:47,062 --> 00:10:47,938
Dark pupils right to the back.
291
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,900
I realize that that sounds bad.
292
00:10:52,192 --> 00:10:54,027
Okay, what do you do when
you wanna look annoyed?
293
00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,241
Damn it! No, Max.
294
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:01,702
What is going on
with you, Penny?
295
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,579
You are a mess.
296
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,498
You look like Coolio after he
takes his braids out. Mmm.
297
00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:09,376
I can't stop having sex
with that Polish caveman.
298
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:11,420
I don't even like him.
I mean, he disgusts me.
299
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,755
But he has this
magical hold on me.
300
00:11:14,047 --> 00:11:16,216
And sometimes a real hold.
301
00:11:16,508 --> 00:11:18,260
You ever gotten caught up
in a north-south keylock?
302
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,345
Standing up or sitting down?
Both.
303
00:11:20,637 --> 00:11:22,472
Okay, Brad, stay on message.
Right.
304
00:11:22,764 --> 00:11:25,142
Penny, I say this with all
the love in my heart...
305
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:27,811
You're disgusting to me.
306
00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:29,897
Jane, I know.
307
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:30,981
Okay, but look, I think I've
gotten it out of my system.
308
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,191
Okay.
309
00:11:32,482 --> 00:11:34,735
Okay.
Ooh.
310
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:36,904
Oh, my God. I did not
invite him here, I swear!
311
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,656
- Crap.
- Uh...
312
00:11:39,948 --> 00:11:41,241
He has a magical hold
over me, too.
313
00:11:41,533 --> 00:11:43,160
I don't want him anywhere, but I
have to invite him everywhere.
314
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:46,288
Hey! C-A-R to the czar,
'bout to brunch it up like...
315
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,665
A rock star!
316
00:11:48,957 --> 00:11:50,584
Yeah.
Okay, you're in a band.
317
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,211
I didn't want to do that.
318
00:11:52,502 --> 00:11:55,130
Hey, Janie, I need you to do those
quarterly reports for me today.
319
00:11:55,422 --> 00:11:56,757
I didn't get to 'em
last night 'cause I was
320
00:11:57,049 --> 00:12:00,510
quote, unquote, busy making sex
with the person to my left.
321
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,140
Please continue not to judge me.
322
00:12:05,432 --> 00:12:06,391
Ugh.
Mmm.
323
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:12,648
I think that whipped
cream has turned.
324
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,193
Hello, everyone!
325
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:17,611
Welcome to the first night
326
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:20,155
of Chicagoland's
second gayest pageant.
327
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:21,907
I'm your host Josh Jill.
328
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:23,659
This is so cool!
329
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,203
I know. I haven't been this
excited since I found out
330
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:28,705
Donnie Wahlberg and I
share the same birthday.
331
00:12:28,997 --> 00:12:30,040
Well, one day apart.
332
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,876
Our first category is
gay fitness,
333
00:12:33,168 --> 00:12:35,671
which is just like fitness,
only gayer.
334
00:12:48,475 --> 00:12:50,185
That was gay-rific.
335
00:12:50,477 --> 00:12:52,938
Speaking of fat,
here's Max Blum.
336
00:13:00,195 --> 00:13:01,280
Wait.
What the hell is that?
337
00:13:01,571 --> 00:13:02,281
That's not what I told him.
338
00:13:02,572 --> 00:13:04,199
No, it's not.
339
00:13:04,491 --> 00:13:06,910
Now he's a classy, dignified,
gentleman of fitness.
340
00:13:07,202 --> 00:13:09,079
This was supposed to be
my category.
341
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:10,414
Psst, Max!
342
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:11,748
Max, thrust!
343
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,417
Thrust!
Add a thrust!
344
00:13:16,044 --> 00:13:17,379
Don't listen to her Max.
345
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:19,423
March and expand!
346
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,258
March and expand!
347
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,885
And smile! Smile!
Thrust! Thrust!
348
00:13:24,177 --> 00:13:25,304
Get those knees up!
349
00:13:25,595 --> 00:13:27,556
Knees up. There it is.
There it is.
350
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:35,480
Okay, that's literally the
worst thing I've ever seen,
351
00:13:35,772 --> 00:13:37,733
and I follow Madeleine
Albright on Instagram.
352
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,653
Ooh, that's the stuff.
353
00:13:41,945 --> 00:13:43,030
All right, all right.
There ya are.
354
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,324
So...
Ohh! Yes!
355
00:13:45,615 --> 00:13:46,992
Hmm? There's an exhibit
on mid-century spoons
356
00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:48,702
at the craft museum.
357
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,078
- Wow. I love...
- Chugga-chugga!
358
00:13:50,370 --> 00:13:51,997
Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!
Chugga-chugga! A good spoon.
359
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:53,123
Chugga-chugga! Choo-choo! Yeah.
Could be interesting.
360
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:53,874
Yeah.
Could be good.
361
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,292
Mmm.
362
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:56,501
All aboard!
363
00:13:56,793 --> 00:13:58,587
Here's my ticket, sir!
364
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:01,673
That's not the ticket
for this train.
365
00:14:01,965 --> 00:14:03,091
Oh, no!
What's gonna happen?
366
00:14:03,383 --> 00:14:04,926
Oh, says here...
Yeah, babe?
367
00:14:05,218 --> 00:14:07,220
They have a spoon that Elvis
used to measure out nougat.
368
00:14:07,512 --> 00:14:08,513
- Huh? Yeah.
- Choo-choo-choo-choo!
369
00:14:08,805 --> 00:14:10,432
Choo-choo-choo-choo!
Choo-choo-choo-choo!
370
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:11,683
- I'm out!
- ♪ Choo! ♪
371
00:14:11,975 --> 00:14:13,352
Yep. They broke me... And
probably the guest bed.
372
00:14:15,103 --> 00:14:16,521
Ah. God.
373
00:14:16,813 --> 00:14:18,732
This pageant is a gay disaster.
374
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,026
It's worse than the time I saw
Bette Midler get on a horse.
375
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,153
I mean, that Q&A was rough.
376
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,738
Okay, I don't know what's
going on with you, creepy,
377
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,531
but I need an answer.
378
00:14:26,823 --> 00:14:30,369
The question is,
mousse or parfait?
379
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:31,912
Good ponder hands, Max!
380
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,497
Roll you eyes, more.
381
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:34,873
I've... I've over...
I've overrolled.
382
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,208
Overrolled. Going down. No.
383
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,542
Gay down!
384
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:39,544
Super gay down!
385
00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:42,172
Max, what we need to do now
is double down on the class.
386
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,924
No way!
387
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,884
Max, you need flash.
388
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:48,470
Okay, I am talking glitter,
satin, butt crack.
389
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,597
Ugh. What? Are you crazy?
390
00:14:50,889 --> 00:14:52,849
Butt crack has no place
in a gay beauty pageant.
391
00:14:53,141 --> 00:14:54,684
What? Okay, both of you shut it.
392
00:14:54,976 --> 00:14:56,395
The only reason I did this thing
393
00:14:56,686 --> 00:14:58,271
is because I'm sick of being
the poor one all the time.
394
00:14:58,563 --> 00:15:00,357
It's embarrassing.
395
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:02,401
And I asked you two for help,
396
00:15:02,692 --> 00:15:03,860
and you turned it around
and made it all about you.
397
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,863
Now if you'll excuse me,
you're both fired.
398
00:15:08,573 --> 00:15:09,825
Later, honey boobs-boobs.
399
00:15:15,872 --> 00:15:17,541
Aah! Hey!
400
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:20,377
Hey, it's you!
401
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:21,670
You know, I've been meaning
to compliment you.
402
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,505
Your coming out of nowhere
has just gotten amazing.
403
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,715
Well, tired.
404
00:15:26,007 --> 00:15:28,885
Not so fast, young lady. We need
to talk about the Car Czar.
405
00:15:29,177 --> 00:15:30,220
Brad and I feel he's a
bad influence on you
406
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:31,805
and maybe it's time
to slow it down.
407
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,890
We're not mad!
We're just disappointed!
408
00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:35,767
Okay.
What's going on?
409
00:15:36,059 --> 00:15:37,644
Brad and I have discussed it,
410
00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:39,646
and we forbid you from seeing
the Car Czar ever again.
411
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:43,275
Uh, you forbid me? Hellur.
You're not the boss of me.
412
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,485
Pradesh Singh, the head of
global PR, is the boss of me.
413
00:15:45,777 --> 00:15:47,320
Although she may be
going on maternity leave,
414
00:15:47,612 --> 00:15:49,072
so it's probably gonna be
Nancy Goldberg.
415
00:15:49,364 --> 00:15:50,907
Please. Maternity leave is for hippies.
416
00:15:51,199 --> 00:15:51,700
If you're gonna
live under our roof,
417
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:53,493
you're gonna follow our rules.
418
00:15:53,785 --> 00:15:55,662
Well, that's good 'cause I don't need
to live under your roof anymore,
419
00:15:55,954 --> 00:15:57,372
because as of tonight, my
apartment's ready. Good.
420
00:15:57,664 --> 00:15:59,416
Great.
Think about your future!
421
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:00,959
Honey, we don't need to yell.
I'm not yelling!
422
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:03,462
Actually, I was yelling.
423
00:16:03,753 --> 00:16:04,546
And I regret nothing!
424
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:05,797
This is so unfair!
425
00:16:06,089 --> 00:16:07,174
Penelope Hartz,
426
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,134
when I said for you
to have a fling,
427
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:12,304
I meant with a nice,
normal boy like Shaun...
428
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:13,763
Normal boy!
429
00:16:14,055 --> 00:16:15,682
Not my...
Pig of a boss.
430
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:16,933
Well, maybe it's not a fling.
431
00:16:17,225 --> 00:16:19,269
Maybe it's love.
432
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:20,896
You ever think of that, Jane?
Maybe I love him.
433
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:25,317
Yeah.
434
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,407
I came back to get my keys,
and you unlocked my heart.
435
00:16:32,699 --> 00:16:33,742
Oh!
436
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:35,285
Penny...
437
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,330
I love you, too.
438
00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:43,585
Uh...
439
00:16:44,419 --> 00:16:45,962
Mmm. Mmm.
440
00:16:46,254 --> 00:16:48,256
Congratulations, lovebirds.
441
00:16:48,548 --> 00:16:49,549
This is a nightmare!
442
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:56,348
Ahh.
443
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,349
Thanks, again, kitty cat,
444
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,434
for letting me
crash here a while.
445
00:16:59,726 --> 00:17:00,560
I gotta find a place
for my chin-up bar.
446
00:17:02,395 --> 00:17:04,606
I got the same one as Paul Ryan.
447
00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:06,441
We have the same bod. We
could totally share clothes.
448
00:17:09,861 --> 00:17:12,572
I feel so close
to you right now.
449
00:17:12,864 --> 00:17:14,407
You know, if,
uh, you play your cards right,
450
00:17:14,699 --> 00:17:17,244
you keep those chest
pumpkins up and runnin',
451
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,204
me moving in could become
a permanent thing.
452
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:21,081
How great would that be, huh?
453
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,749
HUH?
454
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,000
Suh great.
455
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:27,712
Hey! How did you guys
get in here?
456
00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:29,464
Your front door's missing.
457
00:17:29,756 --> 00:17:31,049
Duh. I needed
a headboard.
458
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:33,718
Clearly.
459
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,054
Why you guys here?
460
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,181
Because we're sorry and
we really wanna help you.
461
00:17:38,473 --> 00:17:40,559
It's too late. I'm in
last place in the competition.
462
00:17:40,850 --> 00:17:42,227
The only event I won was
463
00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:44,437
how many marshmallows could
you fit in your mouth, 41.
464
00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:46,481
It is not too late. Tonight
is the talent competition.
465
00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:48,024
That's half your score.
466
00:17:48,316 --> 00:17:50,694
If you win that, you could
win the whole damn thing.
467
00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:53,154
Yep. That's why we came up
with a kick-ass routine
468
00:17:53,446 --> 00:17:55,490
that combines old school
class with new school fiash.
469
00:17:55,782 --> 00:17:56,866
And fire!
470
00:17:57,158 --> 00:17:58,827
Whoa!
Fire's awesome! I'm in.
471
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:00,245
Uh... Guys?
472
00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:03,915
Is that not normally like that?
473
00:18:04,207 --> 00:18:04,791
I thought so.
474
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:07,210
Uh-huh.
475
00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:11,256
Uh-huh.
476
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:11,881
Well, I'll see you later then.
477
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:17,345
That was my wife, sugar face.
Bad news.
478
00:18:17,637 --> 00:18:20,098
That sweet bag o' garbage
is taking me back.
479
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,308
Try not to be devastated.
480
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:25,228
It's gonna be hard,
but I will try.
481
00:18:27,897 --> 00:18:29,149
I just...
482
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:30,525
You know,
here's your stuff! Oh.
483
00:18:30,817 --> 00:18:32,736
Okay.
484
00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:34,154
Give you those babies back.
Okay.
485
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,198
All right.
486
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:38,074
Well, this has been fun.
487
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,411
I've never been with a
woman who's owned books.
488
00:18:42,370 --> 00:18:43,496
They're for reading.
489
00:18:43,788 --> 00:18:44,414
I know that now.
490
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:47,500
No.
491
00:18:47,792 --> 00:18:48,585
No, please.
492
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,214
Oh, my God.
493
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,217
I saved you!
Aah!
494
00:18:56,509 --> 00:18:57,510
Oh, my God!
Oh! Ow!
495
00:18:57,802 --> 00:18:59,721
Oh, you scared me. Oh!
496
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,556
Oh, you screamed right in my
ear and my, my whole face!
497
00:19:01,848 --> 00:19:02,932
We should not have copies
of each other's keys.
498
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:05,310
Oh, my God.
499
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:08,938
Look, it wasn't right of
me to tell you what to do.
500
00:19:09,856 --> 00:19:10,774
This is your life.
501
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,233
Thank you.
502
00:19:12,525 --> 00:19:14,402
That being said...
503
00:19:14,694 --> 00:19:18,531
I called the Car Czar's wife,
worked a little Jane magic.
504
00:19:18,823 --> 00:19:21,368
Got her two tickets to that
Canadian horse ballet.
505
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,827
Cavalia?
Yeah.
506
00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:25,080
Larry King says that's the
greatest show he's ever seen.
507
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,832
You're not mad?
508
00:19:28,124 --> 00:19:31,211
No. I'm... I'm sorry that I had
so much sex with your boss.
509
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,046
Mmm.
In your house.
510
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:34,923
It's okay.
On your floor.
511
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:36,591
Yeah.
On your printer.
512
00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:39,219
Ugh.
Penny, my Deskjet?
513
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,387
Come on, bro.
514
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,347
But honestly,
your advice was great.
515
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,307
I needed a fling.
516
00:19:44,599 --> 00:19:46,851
And I'm glad that the Car
Czar was such a pig,
517
00:19:47,143 --> 00:19:48,520
because I didn't get
emotionally invested.
518
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:50,021
I don't even know his name.
519
00:19:50,313 --> 00:19:51,481
It's Lon.
520
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,150
Ew. I had sex
with a Lon?
521
00:19:54,442 --> 00:19:55,360
Lon?
522
00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:56,820
That is not a human name.
523
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:59,531
Welp... Heady times.
524
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,951
That was Billy Carson's
puppetry of the butt! Shh!
525
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,577
With a scene from last
week's The New Normal.
526
00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:07,622
Next up, here's Max Blum!
527
00:20:25,473 --> 00:20:26,933
Oh, you tricky bitch.
528
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,103
I think I love you.
529
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,938
Oh, my God.
Did I just say that?
530
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,399
♪ I got you
531
00:20:36,651 --> 00:20:38,403
♪ I got you
532
00:20:41,781 --> 00:20:43,491
♪ I got you, babe ♪
533
00:20:46,911 --> 00:20:49,122
Guys, I wanna thank you so
much for your support tonight,
534
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:50,749
and it was awesome
to share this moment
535
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,500
with my best friends
in the world.
536
00:20:52,792 --> 00:20:55,712
That is the nicest thing a
homosexual has ever said to me.
537
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:56,963
Why is he here, Brad?
538
00:20:57,255 --> 00:20:59,007
I have a real disease.
Mmm-hmm.
539
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,842
And the coolest part
about tonight
540
00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:02,260
is that I get to pay for
dinner with my winnings.
541
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:03,553
Yay!
Food!
542
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,096
Thanks!
543
00:21:05,388 --> 00:21:06,306
That doesn't even begin
to make up for it.
544
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:08,183
I had them pay me in pennies
545
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:09,768
because it's the only
currency I still trust.
546
00:21:10,059 --> 00:21:11,060
Oh!
547
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:14,647
Oh! Oh! Penny! Jugs!
548
00:21:14,939 --> 00:21:16,983
Uh... Uh...
549
00:21:17,275 --> 00:21:19,068
Hold on. I got a joke
brewin' in here.
550
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,029
Uh... Okay. Okay.
551
00:21:21,988 --> 00:21:24,073
Hold on. Hold on.
552
00:21:24,365 --> 00:21:25,575
Uh... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Here we go.
553
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:26,618
Oh! No, wait. Wait.
Hold on.
554
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:28,578
Uh... Uh...
555
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:30,246
Oh, I got it!
39952
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