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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:04,378 Great job on the care package, team. 2 00:00:04,670 --> 00:00:06,380 Yeah. It's really gonna help Penny get over the breakup 3 00:00:06,672 --> 00:00:07,965 and her post-Pete-m depression. 4 00:00:09,675 --> 00:00:11,052 And before you ask, yes, I've already trademarked that. 5 00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,762 Welp, instead of a care package, 6 00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:15,139 I made Penny a "dare" package. 7 00:00:15,431 --> 00:00:16,891 Yep. It's a list daring her to live life to the fullest. 8 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:18,434 So you spent no money. 9 00:00:18,726 --> 00:00:20,394 "Laugh out loud in a library." 10 00:00:20,686 --> 00:00:21,729 "Makeover a nerd to win a bet." Hmm. 11 00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,272 "Have brunch with a rabbi." 12 00:00:23,564 --> 00:00:24,607 Ooh, I'd have brunch with a rabbi. 13 00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:25,900 Maybe someone'll finally teach me 14 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,735 how to properly slice a bagel. 15 00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,904 Okay. So who's gonna help me bring this over to Penny's? 16 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:30,947 Not me. I got a thing. 17 00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,365 Who's Penny? Come on. 18 00:00:32,657 --> 00:00:33,991 It's not gonna be that bad. 19 00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:35,243 Are you kidding? She's already three days 20 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,453 into her post-breakup cocooning process. 21 00:00:37,745 --> 00:00:39,372 Right now, she's living out of her bed, binge eating... 22 00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:41,707 I made the mistake of going in too soon once. 23 00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,668 Pen, I know you're still sad 'cause Robert broke up with you, 24 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:44,627 so I brought you some... 25 00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:50,925 Max! Max! 26 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:51,759 Max! 27 00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:54,387 Haven't eaten pancakes since. 28 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:55,179 You're eating pancakes now. 29 00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:57,890 Huh? Oh. 30 00:00:58,182 --> 00:00:59,225 Haven't eaten waffles since. 31 00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:00,810 Nope. Eatin' those, too. Okay. 32 00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,187 Oh. Guys, I gotta get my life together. 33 00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:04,438 Yeah, you do! You're a mess. 34 00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:05,773 I'm a mess. 35 00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:08,025 Hey, kids. It's back! Shoot it! 36 00:01:08,317 --> 00:01:11,112 Wound it! Shoot it! Oh. 37 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,446 Hey, Pen. You look amazing. What gives? 38 00:01:12,738 --> 00:01:14,615 I feel great. 39 00:01:14,907 --> 00:01:17,451 I guess I didn't need to cocoon because I broke up with Pete. 40 00:01:17,743 --> 00:01:19,787 So I've just been enjoying some much needed "me" time. 41 00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:22,081 For example, I've gotten back to my theater roots. 42 00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:23,541 I wrote a play. 43 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,001 - Oh. - Oh. 44 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:26,627 - I didn't know that was in your... - That's something. 45 00:01:26,919 --> 00:01:28,546 Well, I guess I'll go back to my theater viewing roots 46 00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,047 and I'll sleep through your play. 47 00:01:30,339 --> 00:01:32,216 Aw! You'll come! Thank you! 48 00:01:32,508 --> 00:01:34,802 Oh! You didn't realize that I was trying to insult you! 49 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:37,054 You can't insult me because I know that beneath your soft exterior 50 00:01:37,346 --> 00:01:38,264 there's an even softer interior. 51 00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:41,350 Soft exterior. 52 00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:43,060 You got them thangs. Everybody knows that. 53 00:01:43,352 --> 00:01:44,145 Oh. 54 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:45,396 Aw. 55 00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:46,397 Is this the play? 56 00:01:58,117 --> 00:01:59,827 Huh. That was from Pen. 57 00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:02,038 You know, she really seems like she's doing well. 58 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:03,706 Breakups are tough, 59 00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,750 but what she did was a strong move by a strong woman. 60 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,710 She's basically Mary J. Blige. 61 00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,546 Now are we talking emotionally strong like Mary J. Blige, 62 00:02:10,838 --> 00:02:12,548 or physically strong like Mary J. Blige? 63 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,342 'Cause MJB looks like she could throw up some plates. 64 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,218 Oh, I bet she could carry me like a baby. 65 00:02:16,510 --> 00:02:17,928 Well, I gotta go. 66 00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:21,349 Um, I found a store that carries low-carb edible underwear. 67 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,851 No, it's not for sex. It's just a great snack. 68 00:02:25,269 --> 00:02:26,020 Zesty ranch. 69 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,188 Don't do that. 70 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,356 It's my fave. 71 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:29,732 That's disgusting. 72 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,067 Just get some zesty ranch chips. 73 00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,778 Sorry to interrupt, but I'm Brandon Tyverson. 74 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,906 I work for a company that specializes in guerilla marketing. 75 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,283 Would you all be interested in becoming tastemakers? 76 00:02:39,575 --> 00:02:42,244 Hold up. So we come up with a taste, you make it, and we get paid? 77 00:02:42,536 --> 00:02:43,412 Super Chicken. Go. 78 00:02:43,704 --> 00:02:44,997 Almond Sweat. Go. 79 00:02:45,289 --> 00:02:46,165 Pretzel Cheese. Go. 80 00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:47,583 Falafel Paste. Go. 81 00:02:47,875 --> 00:02:50,044 No, no, no. See, uh... 82 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,506 People have become cynical about traditional advertising. 83 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,633 My company pays real folks like you 84 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,636 to promote our products in a more natural way. 85 00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:00,805 Dude, if you can't make Super Chicken, it's cool. 86 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,932 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I've watched your group. 87 00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:04,433 I think you guys would be perfect. 88 00:03:04,725 --> 00:03:06,477 You're hip. You're diverse. 89 00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,978 You're like a fresh new take on a gay guy. 90 00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,356 Yeah, with fresh new takes on life... 91 00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,608 White chocolate? Better than dark. 92 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,361 Texting while driving? Sorry, I have friends. 93 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:17,697 Rihanna and Chris Brown? I get it, RiRi. 94 00:03:17,988 --> 00:03:20,074 Good stuff. Well, we'd love to hire you guys 95 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,492 and your friend, that tall blonde that just left. 96 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,244 Would she be interested? 97 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:24,161 Would we have to split the money three ways? 98 00:03:24,453 --> 00:03:25,871 Yes. Then, no. 99 00:03:26,163 --> 00:03:28,791 Max, I can't ice out my sister just to make a few extra bucks. 100 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:30,584 Alex, last month you paid your store's rent 101 00:03:30,876 --> 00:03:31,794 by showing your landlord your feet. 102 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:34,880 I'm in. 103 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:37,091 Was that my phone? 104 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,551 Uh, no, unless your ringtone is 105 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,594 the incomparable Joe Gordon-Levitt 106 00:03:40,886 --> 00:03:42,805 carrying this episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun. 107 00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:44,640 Ugh. Sorry. I'm waiting for Derrick to call. 108 00:03:44,932 --> 00:03:46,976 His theater group might put up my play. 109 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,728 Have you guys heard of the Steppenwolf Theater? 110 00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:50,187 Hell, yeah! Of course! 111 00:03:50,479 --> 00:03:51,605 Then you should be able to find Derrick's theater. 112 00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,023 It's right around the corner from that 113 00:03:53,315 --> 00:03:55,067 and above a pho restaurant. 114 00:03:55,359 --> 00:03:58,070 Pen, if you want, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on your play. 115 00:03:58,362 --> 00:03:59,530 As you might recall, 116 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:00,990 I was a theater critic for my college paper. 117 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,161 "'Brigadoon'? More like 'Briga-don't."' 118 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,121 Damn it. Why didn't I come up with that then? 119 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,582 OI' Brad was a bit of a theater guy, too. 120 00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,585 When I was a kid, I was in an all-white production of The Wiz. 121 00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:14,378 No one really eased on down the road. 122 00:04:14,670 --> 00:04:15,588 It was more of a stiff, uncoordinated lumbering. 123 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,550 Love-ing it! 124 00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:21,385 Really? So you're gonna put the play on? 125 00:04:21,677 --> 00:04:23,304 No. I drove all the way here, didn't like what I had on, 126 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:24,889 went home to change, stopped at the new whole foods 127 00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:26,807 so I could peep the crazy ripped Guatemalan stock boy, 128 00:04:27,099 --> 00:04:29,143 just so I could come here and tell you I won't put it on. 129 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:30,811 So does that mean you're putting it on or not? 130 00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:32,396 Yes, you stupid, clumsy bitch! 131 00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:33,564 Yay! 132 00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,107 Aah! 133 00:04:35,399 --> 00:04:38,235 Stupid, clumsy bitch! 134 00:04:38,527 --> 00:04:39,820 She's so stupid. 135 00:04:40,112 --> 00:04:40,821 You're a clumsy bitch and you're so stupid! 136 00:04:41,113 --> 00:04:42,239 Clumsy and stupid! Okay. 137 00:04:43,699 --> 00:04:44,700 Oh! I love you. 138 00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:46,952 You're the worst. 139 00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:52,249 Check out all this cool stuff Brandon sent us to sell. 140 00:04:52,541 --> 00:04:54,168 I mean, spearmint scotch, 141 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,545 lens-less glasses, 142 00:04:56,837 --> 00:04:58,005 this super cool conditioning mist for your hair. 143 00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:00,549 Hey, guys. 144 00:05:00,841 --> 00:05:02,009 I just came to see if you've heard from Penny. 145 00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:03,594 Great cover. 146 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:04,845 What's in the box? 147 00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:06,722 Oh, you know, just box stuff. 148 00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:09,099 Oh. So you're not trying to be a tastemaker with Alex? 149 00:05:09,391 --> 00:05:11,936 Ugh! You and your ability to read. 150 00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:12,978 Look, after you left Rosalita's... 151 00:05:13,270 --> 00:05:15,272 ...we were approached by a marketing guy, 152 00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:16,732 and he asked us if we wanted to do it. 153 00:05:17,024 --> 00:05:18,234 Ooh! Can I do it with you guys? 154 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,069 Oh, Jane. 155 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:23,572 You're a great person, salt of the dang earth. 156 00:05:23,864 --> 00:05:25,783 Mmm. But a tastemaking trendsetter ya ain't. 157 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,744 Oh. Okay. 158 00:05:29,036 --> 00:05:32,832 When I was in third grade, I created a new in/outbox homework system. 159 00:05:33,123 --> 00:05:35,084 It was the talk of the school. Even got interviewed. 160 00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,503 Granted, it was from the school psychologist, 161 00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:39,588 who was concerned that an 8-year-old would spend every recess creating it. 162 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,092 But that does not mean it wasn't a super efficient system. 163 00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:44,552 And it would've caught on. 164 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:45,845 Wow. 165 00:05:46,136 --> 00:05:49,014 Moving stuff, Jane. 166 00:05:49,306 --> 00:05:51,767 But the fact is, Max and I are so far down the road 167 00:05:52,059 --> 00:05:52,768 on this tastemaking thing. 168 00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:54,895 I mean... 169 00:05:55,187 --> 00:05:56,397 We've already opened the box. 170 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,232 And we love you, but the wheels are in motion. 171 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,651 And once the bus starts, it's hard to make it stop. 172 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:03,946 Fine. I don't wanna be tastemakers with you losers anyway. 173 00:06:05,906 --> 00:06:07,366 Oof. 174 00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,327 Angry storm outs are trending so low right now. 175 00:06:10,619 --> 00:06:12,830 Suh low. So low. 176 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:16,250 Oh, thank you so much for coming to a reading of my play. 177 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,585 I look forward to your feedback, 178 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,920 as long as it's constructive, honest, 179 00:06:20,212 --> 00:06:21,255 and tells me everything in my play is perfect. 180 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:22,506 Sounds good? 181 00:06:22,798 --> 00:06:23,883 What are you doin'? 182 00:06:24,174 --> 00:06:25,217 I'm just giving these a little test run. 183 00:06:25,509 --> 00:06:27,845 I wanna see if this tastemaking thing is legit. 184 00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:29,930 Max, are you seriously wearing glasses with no lenses? 185 00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:32,641 Maybe. Dude, I've seen you do 186 00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,852 some really dumb things before, but this... 187 00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:36,061 is not one of them. 188 00:06:36,353 --> 00:06:37,605 Those are cool. 189 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:38,939 And this is coming from a guy 190 00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:41,442 who wore a bandana around his jeans leg in high school, 191 00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,319 so I know what I speak of. 192 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:44,862 Yes! 193 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,323 And now let us begin our journey. 194 00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,159 Ladies and gentlemen, may I present you... 195 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:53,245 Black Plague: A Love Story. 196 00:06:53,537 --> 00:06:54,872 Now we will be holding auditions in two days, 197 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,417 but for tonight, you guys will be my actors. 198 00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,836 Brad, will you honor us by playing the role of Clete? 199 00:07:01,128 --> 00:07:02,421 Clete? Clete... 200 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,841 is a very interesting name. 201 00:07:06,133 --> 00:07:08,260 Clete is the very attractive, well-meaning young man 202 00:07:08,552 --> 00:07:10,471 who's about to ask the love of his life to marry him. 203 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:11,639 Jane. Oh. Yeah? 204 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,974 "Clete" rhymes with "Pete." 205 00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:16,060 Just a real eagle eye there, Alex. 206 00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,562 And I will be playing the role of the Black Plague. 207 00:07:18,854 --> 00:07:21,398 The evil, malignant foe of love, 208 00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,777 intent on destroying the earnest heart of the unsuspecting Clete. 209 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:25,861 Oh, boy. 210 00:07:26,153 --> 00:07:27,947 Okay. 211 00:07:28,238 --> 00:07:30,950 Wait, Penny wrote a play about a guy who's about to get his heart ripped out? 212 00:07:31,241 --> 00:07:32,201 Yeah. 213 00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:33,160 Is this about Dave? 214 00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:34,787 Sure. 215 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:40,501 "I'm ruined. 216 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,796 "The Plague came to me disguised as a gentle breeze, 217 00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:46,882 "but turned into a foul wind that broke my heart. 218 00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:48,050 "I hate you, Plague!" 219 00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:50,386 "And I deserve that hate. 220 00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:52,888 "I destroy love and all that is good. 221 00:07:53,180 --> 00:07:54,348 "That's what I do." 222 00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:56,850 The end. 223 00:07:57,142 --> 00:07:58,143 What'd you guys think? 224 00:07:58,435 --> 00:07:59,603 Uh... Um... 225 00:07:59,895 --> 00:08:00,854 Um... 226 00:08:01,146 --> 00:08:03,065 Really interesting. 227 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:04,441 You know? And that makes me think, 228 00:08:04,733 --> 00:08:06,193 did you come up with this randomly or... 229 00:08:07,736 --> 00:08:09,071 Or is it personal, or... 230 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,280 Why? What... What are you saying? 231 00:08:10,572 --> 00:08:12,116 Well, Pen, I mean, 232 00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,868 your character destroys the heart of a man named Clete. 233 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,579 Guys, it's a character. 234 00:08:17,871 --> 00:08:21,417 Would you ask Anthony Hopkins if he were really a cannibal? 235 00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,669 Would you ask Tom Hanks if he owns Bubba Gump Shrimp? 236 00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,796 Although, I think he actually does. 237 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,631 I think he got a very healthy piece of the backend merch. 238 00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:30,843 The point is, I have poured my heart and soul and artistry 239 00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,053 into this creative endeavor, 240 00:08:33,345 --> 00:08:34,263 and the least you guys could do is be supportive. 241 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:35,848 Ooh. 242 00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:40,894 Well, I think it's pretty obvious why she's upset. 243 00:08:41,186 --> 00:08:43,397 She must know that that second act has some real problems. 244 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,065 I mean, Black Plague? 245 00:08:45,357 --> 00:08:46,483 More like Hack Plague. Am I right? 246 00:08:46,775 --> 00:08:48,444 Yeah. 247 00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:49,820 Black Plague-Hack Plague. Don't forget it. 248 00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,155 Whoa. What was that? 249 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:52,656 What is it? What's happening? What is that? 250 00:08:52,948 --> 00:08:55,075 That's a recorder. You don't have to tell yourself not to forget it. 251 00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:55,909 You're already doing that. 252 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,081 Wow. Unbelievable. 253 00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:04,043 And this is all because of Alex and Max's conditioning mist? 254 00:09:04,334 --> 00:09:05,586 This is amazing. 255 00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,546 I know. The guy at the guitar store said 256 00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:09,590 I had the hair of a white Aziz Ansari. 257 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,050 He's not wrong. 258 00:09:11,341 --> 00:09:11,925 Mmm. Wow. 259 00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,511 Sadly, this is not weird anymore. 260 00:09:14,803 --> 00:09:16,472 Oh. Honey. Um... 261 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,057 Why aren't you at lunch with Penny? 262 00:09:18,348 --> 00:09:19,933 She canceled. I think she's avoiding me. 263 00:09:20,225 --> 00:09:21,310 I think she's avoiding everyone. 264 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:22,936 She's not even Instagraming anymore. 265 00:09:23,228 --> 00:09:25,481 She hasn't posted a picture of an appetizer all week. 266 00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:26,523 I'm really concerned about her. 267 00:09:26,815 --> 00:09:27,941 Yeah. 268 00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:29,943 I mean, she has clearly not dealt with this breakup. 269 00:09:30,235 --> 00:09:30,986 Someone's gotta get through to her. 270 00:09:31,278 --> 00:09:32,863 Yeah. 271 00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,741 Maybe if a couple of guys who've had a rough breakup talk to her, 272 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,743 she'd realize that Pete's gonna be fine. 273 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,161 Oh, yeah. I can handle that. Yeah. 274 00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:40,871 I got dumped by a girl in high school, 275 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,956 licked my wounds, got way into anime, and moved on. 276 00:09:43,248 --> 00:09:46,126 And I had no problem getting over the whole Alex thing, 277 00:09:46,418 --> 00:09:48,212 especially once we got back together. 278 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,297 Yeah, that... So that... Yeah. 279 00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:52,633 Um, I think Brad should maybe take the lead on this. 280 00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,551 You could come in and then bounce it back to Brad, 281 00:09:54,843 --> 00:09:56,136 and then maybe don't talk at all. 282 00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:57,012 Yeah. 283 00:09:58,847 --> 00:09:59,389 Dive right back into there. 284 00:09:59,681 --> 00:10:01,016 Get in there. 285 00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:03,268 Don't be afraid to go deep. Nice. 286 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:04,436 Let me see those eyebrows. They're pretty good. 287 00:10:04,728 --> 00:10:05,687 Ooh, they're nice. 288 00:10:05,979 --> 00:10:06,814 How about that goatee? 289 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:09,441 No one touches the goatee. 290 00:10:10,734 --> 00:10:11,318 Right. 291 00:10:12,402 --> 00:10:13,570 Excuse me. 292 00:10:13,862 --> 00:10:15,781 I don't normally do this, but, 293 00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,325 you have the hair of a Greek shipping magnate's worthless son. 294 00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:20,661 Thanks. I get that a lot. 295 00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,329 And that's because I use 296 00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,123 this awesome conditioning mist. 297 00:10:24,414 --> 00:10:25,290 Wow. 298 00:10:25,582 --> 00:10:26,166 Hey, is that stuff really good? 299 00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:27,751 Oh, it's better than good. 300 00:10:28,043 --> 00:10:29,169 It's fantastic. 301 00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,295 I wouldn't use that if I were you. 302 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:32,798 Just a heads-up. 303 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,424 Name's Devin. 304 00:10:34,716 --> 00:10:36,301 Yeah, I'm a girl with a boy's name. 305 00:10:36,593 --> 00:10:37,928 I'm a bit of a trendsetter that way. 306 00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,555 Devin. 307 00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:40,764 What's wrong with the mist? 308 00:10:41,056 --> 00:10:42,724 It seeps in through your pores, 309 00:10:43,016 --> 00:10:44,059 loosens up your bones. 310 00:10:44,351 --> 00:10:45,394 You want loose bones? 311 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:46,436 You wanna be like a... I don't. 312 00:10:46,728 --> 00:10:48,355 A drunk marionette? 313 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:49,898 Don't listen to her. She obviously has mental problems. 314 00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:52,067 Yeah, 'cause I used the conditioning mist. 315 00:10:52,359 --> 00:10:54,153 And now me skull can't hold me brain right. 316 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:55,362 What are you doing? 317 00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:56,613 Stop that, Jane! Stop it! What? 318 00:10:56,905 --> 00:10:58,031 Your bones are fine, Jane! 319 00:10:58,323 --> 00:10:59,449 And why are you Irish now? 320 00:10:59,741 --> 00:11:02,578 This is weird. You're weird. Get out. 321 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:03,704 Dog darn it! What the heck? 322 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,622 Jane, why are you sabotaging us? 323 00:11:05,914 --> 00:11:07,374 I am not gonna stand by 324 00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:09,501 while you guys prey on the gullibility of the public. 325 00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,628 You are no better than Bernie Madoff 326 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,213 or that guy who started Earth Day. 327 00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:14,882 I don't know how you guys live with yourselves. 328 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,049 Do you wanna be a tastemaker with us? 329 00:11:16,341 --> 00:11:17,092 Yes! 330 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,219 Yes! 331 00:11:19,511 --> 00:11:20,846 It's so pathetic, Jane. 332 00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,598 I can see right through you. 333 00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,558 I don't want comedians. I want actors. 334 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,810 Hey, Pen. 335 00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:29,897 We wanted to talk to you guy to girl, mano y manette, 336 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:32,316 about how your play is maybe sort of a metaphor 337 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,067 for your relationship and such. 338 00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:36,069 Ooh. I would love nothing more 339 00:11:36,361 --> 00:11:38,113 than to unpack the subtext of my work, 340 00:11:38,405 --> 00:11:39,531 even though you couldn't be more wrong. 341 00:11:39,823 --> 00:11:41,950 But I kinda gotta finish auditions. 342 00:11:42,242 --> 00:11:43,869 We're having a really hard time finding a Clete. 343 00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,997 No, Penny! This is serious. We're worried about you. 344 00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:48,540 You need to find a healthy way to deal with your breakup. 345 00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,292 Oh, my God. 346 00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:53,670 You couldn't be more right. 347 00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:54,796 Yes. 348 00:11:55,088 --> 00:11:56,381 For the role of Clete. 349 00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,092 That passion, 350 00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:01,011 the raw manness, the... 351 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,846 What? What? 352 00:12:03,138 --> 00:12:05,349 I don't know why I didn't see this at the read. 353 00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:06,642 Where was that at the read? 354 00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,060 I don't know. 355 00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:08,685 Girl, what you doing back there? 356 00:12:08,977 --> 00:12:10,520 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 357 00:12:10,812 --> 00:12:12,481 Now, you have theater experience, is that correct? 358 00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:14,233 Well, I mean... 359 00:12:14,524 --> 00:12:15,901 I haven't really kept up with my acting. 360 00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:17,903 I mean, aside from memorizing every one 361 00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:19,988 of Taye Diggs' monologues from Private Practice. 362 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,323 But that's just to stay sharp, and... 363 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,407 Damn it, Penny, that's not the point! 364 00:12:22,699 --> 00:12:23,575 There it is again. 365 00:12:23,867 --> 00:12:25,535 That is so Clete. 366 00:12:25,827 --> 00:12:27,037 Brad, you must do this role. 367 00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,538 Penny, no! 368 00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,415 I will not do this role. 369 00:12:30,707 --> 00:12:32,167 I will define it. 370 00:12:32,459 --> 00:12:34,086 Wait a minute. Wait. This is insane. 371 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,255 All right, this is insane. 372 00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:37,881 What about me? 373 00:12:38,173 --> 00:12:39,591 You know I love the theater. What can I do? 374 00:12:39,883 --> 00:12:41,134 I have the perfect role for you. 375 00:12:42,719 --> 00:12:44,471 Head stage tech? 376 00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:47,599 Dave, you're such a student of the theater. 377 00:12:47,891 --> 00:12:50,352 Who better to create the visual and audio palette 378 00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:51,853 to make my play pop? 379 00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,189 Please? 380 00:12:54,481 --> 00:12:56,733 I don't want another "briga-don't" on my hands. 381 00:12:57,609 --> 00:12:58,402 Okay. 382 00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:00,028 I'll briga-do it. 383 00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,616 Briga-do it. Okay. 384 00:13:04,908 --> 00:13:08,328 All right. Let's make some taste. 385 00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:11,081 Now, I have a couple notes on the script. 386 00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:12,749 Take it easy, noob. 387 00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:15,377 We've been doing this for literally days. 388 00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:17,963 You're right. I don't have to be in charge, 389 00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:19,381 even though it's better when I am. 390 00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:21,425 Walk me through it. It's simple. 391 00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,385 We tell Brandon what products we need and send him a check. 392 00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:24,803 Then he sends us the goods. 393 00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:25,721 We go out, we tell everyone how cool they are, 394 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:26,847 and then he pays us. 395 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,432 Cool, cool, cool. 396 00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,684 Can we just circle back to the part 397 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,103 where you pay Brandon for the products? 398 00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:34,938 Well, he's not just gonna give it to us for free, Jane. 399 00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,982 Sometimes you are such a blonde. 400 00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:38,859 Oh. Okay. 401 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,987 How much have you paid him for the products so far? 402 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,280 2,500 bucks. Oh, okay. 403 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:44,698 How much has he paid you? 404 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,076 $373 a-pure a-profit. 405 00:13:48,368 --> 00:13:49,870 Tic-tac-toe. Tic-tac-toe. 406 00:13:51,538 --> 00:13:53,332 Well, you're being scammed. 407 00:13:53,623 --> 00:13:54,708 I'm out. 408 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,251 Best o' luck. 409 00:13:58,503 --> 00:14:00,839 I gotta tell you, she does not understand business. 410 00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:03,175 Yeah, like she doesn't buy all those cars at her work 411 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,427 before she sells them? 412 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,812 All right, check it out. In order to truly inhabit the role of Clete, 413 00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:18,190 I'm going method and living as if I'm in the 1300s. 414 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,275 All right? Fun fact, I am property. 415 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,402 Hey, guys, couple quick tweaks. 416 00:14:22,694 --> 00:14:23,987 Brad, in the scene where Clete calls me 417 00:14:24,279 --> 00:14:26,323 "a foul, heartless scourge," 418 00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:29,701 could you add the words "selfish" and "vomitous" before "foul"? 419 00:14:29,993 --> 00:14:31,078 - Uh... - Thanks, bud. 420 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,788 And, Dave, when I first enter, 421 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,415 could you pipe some type of noxious smell into the audience? 422 00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:37,000 Like a quarter-pound of shrimp 423 00:14:37,292 --> 00:14:39,419 you forgot was in your baby's diaper kind of thing? 424 00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:42,923 I really want the audience to be sickened by very sight of me. 425 00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:43,715 Cool beans! 426 00:14:45,550 --> 00:14:47,010 Dude... 427 00:14:47,302 --> 00:14:49,554 We were supposed to help her, but she played us. 428 00:14:49,846 --> 00:14:53,100 Yep. She knew exactly what every straight dude would be distracted by. 429 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:54,518 Sweet Lady Theater. 430 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:55,352 Come on. 431 00:15:00,315 --> 00:15:02,401 Ahem. Pen. 432 00:15:02,692 --> 00:15:04,903 We gotta talk. This play is about Pete. 433 00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:06,905 What are you talking about? Pete who? 434 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,323 Oh, Pete Sampras? 435 00:15:08,615 --> 00:15:10,367 I have moved on so much, 436 00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:13,412 I literally have no idea to which Pete you are referring. 437 00:15:13,703 --> 00:15:16,331 And besides, this is neither the time nor the place. 438 00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:17,833 So when is the right time, Pen? 439 00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,918 Whenever someone brings it up, you try to avoid the subject. 440 00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,003 We're not gonna rehearse until we talk about this. 441 00:15:24,714 --> 00:15:26,508 If you're not gonna rehearse, then you're fired. 442 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,553 Fine. 443 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,972 Good luck finding someone to learn my lines by opening night. 444 00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:33,348 And good luck finding someone 445 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:34,850 who can open and close the curtains. 446 00:15:36,309 --> 00:15:38,270 I'll get Derrick to play Clete, 447 00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:39,521 and I'll just prop open the curtains with a sandbag. 448 00:15:40,313 --> 00:15:41,106 Wait. 449 00:15:45,193 --> 00:15:47,821 Good luck finding a sandbag with a goatee and a heart of honey! 450 00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,156 Yeah! 451 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,866 I'm willing to negotiate. 452 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,414 This is going to be rough. 453 00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,249 Yeah. 454 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,084 I can't believe that you and Dave couldn't get through to Penny. 455 00:16:01,376 --> 00:16:03,211 Really? You can't believe it? 456 00:16:03,503 --> 00:16:06,214 We're idiots, Jane. That's how we've always done it. 457 00:16:06,506 --> 00:16:09,342 All we can do now is be here for Penny, as brutal as it's gonna be. 458 00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:11,094 And it's gonna be pretty brutal, 459 00:16:11,386 --> 00:16:14,097 because Derrick as Clete is the biggest miscasting 460 00:16:14,389 --> 00:16:16,224 since portobello mushrooms started filling in for burgers. 461 00:16:16,516 --> 00:16:19,603 Dude, let it go. We're here to support our friend. 462 00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,855 Who's opening this curtain? 463 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:22,981 It should be a fluid wave of velvet. 464 00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:26,359 England, 1348. 465 00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:28,487 Smell that germ-free air. 466 00:16:28,778 --> 00:16:30,614 Are you kidding me? 467 00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:35,118 Life is good, so soon I will ask my true love to marry me 468 00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:37,370 with my grandmother's ring. 469 00:16:37,662 --> 00:16:39,080 Ohh! 470 00:16:39,372 --> 00:16:40,707 Hark, it is I, 471 00:16:43,418 --> 00:16:44,920 the Black Plague, 472 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:48,590 the worst disaster ever and destroyer of love. 473 00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:52,469 I have come to ruin this noble man's life and heart. 474 00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:53,553 Ahh. 475 00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:59,809 ♪ My heart is bursting inside of me 476 00:17:00,101 --> 00:17:02,479 ♪ So will your boils from leprosy 477 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,441 ♪ Joy and love, I have a surplus 478 00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:08,568 ♪ Too bad I'll fill your lungs with pus 479 00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:12,405 ♪ Pandemic of the heart 480 00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:15,450 ♪ It's a pandemic of the heart 481 00:17:15,742 --> 00:17:18,870 ♪ It's a pandemic of the heart 482 00:17:19,162 --> 00:17:22,374 ♪ It's a pandemic of the heart 483 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,544 ♪ It's a pandemic of the heart 484 00:17:25,835 --> 00:17:28,213 ♪ It's a pandemic of the heart! ♪ 485 00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:33,677 ♪ All around me is blue-bonic 486 00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:37,430 ♪ I feel so blue-bonic 487 00:17:37,722 --> 00:17:41,935 ♪ No leeches, potions, or tonic 488 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:46,481 ♪ Can heal my blue-bonic ♪ 489 00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:48,441 Okay, I can't take much more of this. 490 00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:50,193 Don't worry. It's almost over. 491 00:17:50,485 --> 00:17:52,112 The Black Plague is about to infect Clete. 492 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,071 What? 493 00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,243 All around me is death. 494 00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,453 All hope seems lost, 495 00:18:00,745 --> 00:18:04,165 but at least I get to marry my one true love. 496 00:18:04,457 --> 00:18:07,877 No force on earth is cruel enough to take that away from me. 497 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,839 ♪ What is that? 498 00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:14,968 ♪ Is that a plague I see before me? 499 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,886 ♪ I'll say again ♪ 500 00:18:17,178 --> 00:18:19,222 Is that a plague I see before me? 501 00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,100 Plague? Hello, Plague! 502 00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,103 I can't do this. I can't do this. 503 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:26,646 ♪ Yes, you can 504 00:18:26,938 --> 00:18:29,190 ♪ Because we only have the theater till 4:00 505 00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:30,984 ♪ And we need to clean it up 506 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,944 ♪ Before Cheri Oteri's one-woman show comes in 507 00:18:33,236 --> 00:18:35,155 ♪ Because she's gonna go ballistic ♪ 508 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,866 No, I can't do this. I cannot break your heart again. 509 00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,910 Only a horrible person would do that to someone so sweet. 510 00:18:41,202 --> 00:18:42,037 I'm so sorry for what I did, Pete. 511 00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,790 I mean, Clete. 512 00:18:46,082 --> 00:18:47,709 Ohh, she's having a full-on breakdown. 513 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,628 I know what to do. 514 00:18:49,919 --> 00:18:51,212 Max! Trust me. 515 00:18:51,504 --> 00:18:53,131 In two weeks, you're gonna wanna remember this. 516 00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:54,924 Dave, I have an idea. Come with me. Go. 517 00:18:55,216 --> 00:18:57,052 Well, I guess I'll just keep dancing 518 00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:59,179 until the plague stops being a selfish... 519 00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:00,889 Aw, man! 520 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,058 Now WorldstarHipHop won't take that video. 521 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:05,518 Three, two, one. Let there be light. 522 00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:08,647 It is I, 523 00:19:08,938 --> 00:19:11,024 the real Clete, 524 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,110 who knows how to conduct himself when things go south onstage. 525 00:19:14,402 --> 00:19:16,946 Plague, you do not have to feel guilty for what you've done. 526 00:19:17,238 --> 00:19:18,657 I should feel guilty. 527 00:19:18,948 --> 00:19:21,534 I devastated Pete. I ruined his life. 528 00:19:21,826 --> 00:19:23,578 Only a terrible person would do that. 529 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,540 Maybe I don't deserve love. 530 00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:30,126 Penny, stop. You're a good person. All right? 531 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,672 A bad person would've married him anyway 532 00:19:33,963 --> 00:19:36,049 and ridden the couch with him into middle age. 533 00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,927 Sitting in silence, watching reruns of Becker, 534 00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:40,553 and originals of the reboot of Becker 535 00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:41,554 called New Adventures of Old Becker. 536 00:19:41,846 --> 00:19:43,014 I'd watch that. 537 00:19:43,306 --> 00:19:43,973 Yeah, eye on the ball, buddy. 538 00:19:44,265 --> 00:19:46,184 Oh. Right. 539 00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:49,062 But take it from a guy. You did him a favor. 540 00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:50,855 You didn't want to spend the rest of your life with him. 541 00:19:51,147 --> 00:19:52,190 Now he's free to find someone who does. 542 00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,567 Really? 543 00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:56,444 Yeah, really. 544 00:19:56,736 --> 00:19:58,697 Pete will get over this, and so will you. 545 00:19:58,988 --> 00:20:00,198 In the long run, it'll all be for the best. 546 00:20:01,574 --> 00:20:02,242 Brighter days ahead, Pen. 547 00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:07,914 Don't you lose her, David. Don't you lose her! 548 00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,335 So you're saying people should... 549 00:20:12,627 --> 00:20:15,547 ♪ Thank the Black Plague for what it did? ♪ 550 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,257 Oh, my God. She's crazy. 551 00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,844 ♪ Um, wouldn't exactly phrase it like that 552 00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,512 ♪ Kinda killed millions of people ♪ 553 00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:26,975 ♪ The Black Plague will rise again 554 00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:28,727 ♪ Spreadin' 'round town and findin' men 555 00:20:29,018 --> 00:20:29,978 ♪ Hallelujah! 556 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:31,896 Little help here, Dave! 557 00:20:32,188 --> 00:20:33,148 ♪ The Black Plague will rise again 558 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,774 ♪ Spreadin' 'round town and findin' men ♪ 559 00:20:35,066 --> 00:20:36,776 Ooh! Smoke! 560 00:20:37,068 --> 00:20:37,736 I'm gonna get out of here. 561 00:20:45,785 --> 00:20:47,454 Prometheus? 562 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,581 More like "amateur-metheus." Am I right? 563 00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:50,915 - Am I right? - No. 564 00:20:51,207 --> 00:20:52,792 "Amateur-metheus." Gold. 565 00:20:53,084 --> 00:20:54,002 - Okay. - Gold? 566 00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:55,670 Hey, how much does that thing... Dink! 567 00:20:55,962 --> 00:20:56,755 - Hey, hey, hey. - Ahh! 568 00:20:57,046 --> 00:20:58,923 Look at that. 569 00:20:59,215 --> 00:21:01,885 Yeah. Let's see what kind of gems are in this treasure chest. 570 00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,011 David, always remember, 571 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:04,721 don't call a person "sailor" 572 00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:07,098 unless you're absolutely positive that person's a sailor. 573 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,393 Oh, yeah, you do that all the time. 574 00:21:10,685 --> 00:21:11,770 You do that all the time. 575 00:21:12,061 --> 00:21:13,688 Ooh! New downstairs hair design idea, 576 00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:16,065 double lightning bolt. Win-win. 577 00:21:16,357 --> 00:21:17,692 All right, I think we've all had a nice window... 578 00:21:17,984 --> 00:21:18,985 Personal note, I really, really love my friends... 579 00:21:19,277 --> 00:21:21,070 Aw, Dave! 580 00:21:21,362 --> 00:21:22,197 ...in the following order. 581 00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:22,864 What's that? Wait a minute. 42603

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