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1
00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:04,378
Great job on the
care package, team.
2
00:00:04,670 --> 00:00:06,380
Yeah. It's really gonna help
Penny get over the breakup
3
00:00:06,672 --> 00:00:07,965
and her post-Pete-m depression.
4
00:00:09,675 --> 00:00:11,052
And before you ask, yes, I've
already trademarked that.
5
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,762
Welp, instead of a care package,
6
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:15,139
I made Penny a "dare" package.
7
00:00:15,431 --> 00:00:16,891
Yep. It's a list daring her
to live life to the fullest.
8
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:18,434
So you spent no money.
9
00:00:18,726 --> 00:00:20,394
"Laugh out loud in a
library."
10
00:00:20,686 --> 00:00:21,729
"Makeover a nerd to
win a bet." Hmm.
11
00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,272
"Have brunch
with a rabbi."
12
00:00:23,564 --> 00:00:24,607
Ooh, I'd have brunch
with a rabbi.
13
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:25,900
Maybe someone'll
finally teach me
14
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,735
how to properly slice a bagel.
15
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,904
Okay. So who's gonna help me
bring this over to Penny's?
16
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:30,947
Not me.
I got a thing.
17
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,365
Who's Penny?
Come on.
18
00:00:32,657 --> 00:00:33,991
It's not gonna be that bad.
19
00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:35,243
Are you kidding?
She's already three days
20
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,453
into her post-breakup
cocooning process.
21
00:00:37,745 --> 00:00:39,372
Right now, she's living out
of her bed, binge eating...
22
00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:41,707
I made the mistake
of going in too soon once.
23
00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,668
Pen, I know you're still sad
'cause Robert broke up with you,
24
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:44,627
so I brought you some...
25
00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:50,925
Max! Max!
26
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:51,759
Max!
27
00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:54,387
Haven't eaten pancakes since.
28
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:55,179
You're eating pancakes now.
29
00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:57,890
Huh? Oh.
30
00:00:58,182 --> 00:00:59,225
Haven't eaten waffles since.
31
00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:00,810
Nope. Eatin' those, too. Okay.
32
00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,187
Oh. Guys, I gotta
get my life together.
33
00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:04,438
Yeah, you do!
You're a mess.
34
00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:05,773
I'm a mess.
35
00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:08,025
Hey, kids.
It's back! Shoot it!
36
00:01:08,317 --> 00:01:11,112
Wound it! Shoot it! Oh.
37
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,446
Hey, Pen. You look amazing.
What gives?
38
00:01:12,738 --> 00:01:14,615
I feel great.
39
00:01:14,907 --> 00:01:17,451
I guess I didn't need to cocoon
because I broke up with Pete.
40
00:01:17,743 --> 00:01:19,787
So I've just been enjoying
some much needed "me" time.
41
00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:22,081
For example, I've gotten
back to my theater roots.
42
00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:23,541
I wrote a play.
43
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,001
- Oh.
- Oh.
44
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:26,627
- I didn't know that was in your...
- That's something.
45
00:01:26,919 --> 00:01:28,546
Well, I guess I'll go back
to my theater viewing roots
46
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,047
and I'll sleep through
your play.
47
00:01:30,339 --> 00:01:32,216
Aw! You'll come!
Thank you!
48
00:01:32,508 --> 00:01:34,802
Oh! You didn't realize that
I was trying to insult you!
49
00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:37,054
You can't insult me because I know
that beneath your soft exterior
50
00:01:37,346 --> 00:01:38,264
there's an even softer interior.
51
00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:41,350
Soft exterior.
52
00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:43,060
You got them thangs.
Everybody knows that.
53
00:01:43,352 --> 00:01:44,145
Oh.
54
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:45,396
Aw.
55
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:46,397
Is this the play?
56
00:01:58,117 --> 00:01:59,827
Huh. That was from Pen.
57
00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:02,038
You know, she really seems
like she's doing well.
58
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:03,706
Breakups are tough,
59
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,750
but what she did was a strong
move by a strong woman.
60
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,710
She's basically
Mary J. Blige.
61
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,546
Now are we talking emotionally
strong like Mary J. Blige,
62
00:02:10,838 --> 00:02:12,548
or physically strong
like Mary J. Blige?
63
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,342
'Cause MJB looks like she
could throw up some plates.
64
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,218
Oh, I bet she could
carry me like a baby.
65
00:02:16,510 --> 00:02:17,928
Well, I gotta go.
66
00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:21,349
Um, I found a store that carries
low-carb edible underwear.
67
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,851
No, it's not for sex.
It's just a great snack.
68
00:02:25,269 --> 00:02:26,020
Zesty ranch.
69
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,188
Don't do that.
70
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,356
It's my fave.
71
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:29,732
That's disgusting.
72
00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,067
Just get some zesty ranch chips.
73
00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,778
Sorry to interrupt,
but I'm Brandon Tyverson.
74
00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,906
I work for a company that
specializes in guerilla marketing.
75
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,283
Would you all be interested
in becoming tastemakers?
76
00:02:39,575 --> 00:02:42,244
Hold up. So we come up with a taste,
you make it, and we get paid?
77
00:02:42,536 --> 00:02:43,412
Super Chicken. Go.
78
00:02:43,704 --> 00:02:44,997
Almond Sweat. Go.
79
00:02:45,289 --> 00:02:46,165
Pretzel Cheese. Go.
80
00:02:46,457 --> 00:02:47,583
Falafel Paste. Go.
81
00:02:47,875 --> 00:02:50,044
No, no, no.
See, uh...
82
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,506
People have become cynical
about traditional advertising.
83
00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,633
My company pays
real folks like you
84
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,636
to promote our products
in a more natural way.
85
00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:00,805
Dude, if you can't make
Super Chicken, it's cool.
86
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,932
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I've
watched your group.
87
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:04,433
I think you guys would
be perfect.
88
00:03:04,725 --> 00:03:06,477
You're hip.
You're diverse.
89
00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:07,978
You're like a fresh new
take on a gay guy.
90
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:10,356
Yeah, with fresh new takes
on life...
91
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,608
White chocolate?
Better than dark.
92
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,361
Texting while driving?
Sorry, I have friends.
93
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:17,697
Rihanna and Chris Brown?
I get it, RiRi.
94
00:03:17,988 --> 00:03:20,074
Good stuff. Well, we'd
love to hire you guys
95
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,492
and your friend, that tall
blonde that just left.
96
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,244
Would she be interested?
97
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:24,161
Would we have to split
the money three ways?
98
00:03:24,453 --> 00:03:25,871
Yes.
Then, no.
99
00:03:26,163 --> 00:03:28,791
Max, I can't ice out my sister just
to make a few extra bucks.
100
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:30,584
Alex, last month you paid
your store's rent
101
00:03:30,876 --> 00:03:31,794
by showing your landlord
your feet.
102
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:34,880
I'm in.
103
00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:37,091
Was that my phone?
104
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,551
Uh, no, unless your ringtone is
105
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,594
the incomparable
Joe Gordon-Levitt
106
00:03:40,886 --> 00:03:42,805
carrying this episode
of 3rd Rock from the Sun.
107
00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:44,640
Ugh. Sorry. I'm waiting
for Derrick to call.
108
00:03:44,932 --> 00:03:46,976
His theater group might
put up my play.
109
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,728
Have you guys heard of
the Steppenwolf Theater?
110
00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:50,187
Hell, yeah!
Of course!
111
00:03:50,479 --> 00:03:51,605
Then you should be able to
find Derrick's theater.
112
00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,023
It's right around
the corner from that
113
00:03:53,315 --> 00:03:55,067
and above a pho restaurant.
114
00:03:55,359 --> 00:03:58,070
Pen, if you want, I'd be happy to
give you my thoughts on your play.
115
00:03:58,362 --> 00:03:59,530
As you might recall,
116
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:00,990
I was a theater critic
for my college paper.
117
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,161
"'Brigadoon'?
More like 'Briga-don't."'
118
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,121
Damn it. Why didn't I
come up with that then?
119
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,582
OI' Brad was a bit
of a theater guy, too.
120
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:12,585
When I was a kid, I was in an
all-white production of The Wiz.
121
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:14,378
No one really
eased on down the road.
122
00:04:14,670 --> 00:04:15,588
It was more of a stiff,
uncoordinated lumbering.
123
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,550
Love-ing it!
124
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:21,385
Really? So you're gonna
put the play on?
125
00:04:21,677 --> 00:04:23,304
No. I drove all the way here,
didn't like what I had on,
126
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:24,889
went home to change, stopped
at the new whole foods
127
00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:26,807
so I could peep the crazy
ripped Guatemalan stock boy,
128
00:04:27,099 --> 00:04:29,143
just so I could come here and
tell you I won't put it on.
129
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:30,811
So does that mean
you're putting it on or not?
130
00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:32,396
Yes, you stupid, clumsy bitch!
131
00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:33,564
Yay!
132
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,107
Aah!
133
00:04:35,399 --> 00:04:38,235
Stupid, clumsy bitch!
134
00:04:38,527 --> 00:04:39,820
She's so stupid.
135
00:04:40,112 --> 00:04:40,821
You're a clumsy
bitch and you're so stupid!
136
00:04:41,113 --> 00:04:42,239
Clumsy and stupid!
Okay.
137
00:04:43,699 --> 00:04:44,700
Oh! I love you.
138
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:46,952
You're the worst.
139
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:52,249
Check out all this cool stuff
Brandon sent us to sell.
140
00:04:52,541 --> 00:04:54,168
I mean, spearmint scotch,
141
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,545
lens-less glasses,
142
00:04:56,837 --> 00:04:58,005
this super cool conditioning
mist for your hair.
143
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:00,549
Hey, guys.
144
00:05:00,841 --> 00:05:02,009
I just came to see
if you've heard from Penny.
145
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:03,594
Great cover.
146
00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:04,845
What's in the box?
147
00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:06,722
Oh, you know, just box stuff.
148
00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:09,099
Oh. So you're not trying to
be a tastemaker with Alex?
149
00:05:09,391 --> 00:05:11,936
Ugh! You and your
ability to read.
150
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:12,978
Look, after you left Rosalita's...
151
00:05:13,270 --> 00:05:15,272
...we were approached
by a marketing guy,
152
00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:16,732
and he asked us
if we wanted to do it.
153
00:05:17,024 --> 00:05:18,234
Ooh! Can I do it
with you guys?
154
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,069
Oh, Jane.
155
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:23,572
You're a great person,
salt of the dang earth.
156
00:05:23,864 --> 00:05:25,783
Mmm. But a tastemaking
trendsetter ya ain't.
157
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,744
Oh. Okay.
158
00:05:29,036 --> 00:05:32,832
When I was in third grade, I created
a new in/outbox homework system.
159
00:05:33,123 --> 00:05:35,084
It was the talk of the school.
Even got interviewed.
160
00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,503
Granted, it was from
the school psychologist,
161
00:05:37,795 --> 00:05:39,588
who was concerned that an 8-year-old
would spend every recess creating it.
162
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:43,092
But that does not mean it wasn't
a super efficient system.
163
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:44,552
And it would've caught on.
164
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:45,845
Wow.
165
00:05:46,136 --> 00:05:49,014
Moving stuff, Jane.
166
00:05:49,306 --> 00:05:51,767
But the fact is, Max and I
are so far down the road
167
00:05:52,059 --> 00:05:52,768
on this tastemaking thing.
168
00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:54,895
I mean...
169
00:05:55,187 --> 00:05:56,397
We've already opened the box.
170
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,232
And we love you, but the
wheels are in motion.
171
00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,651
And once the bus starts,
it's hard to make it stop.
172
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:03,946
Fine. I don't wanna be tastemakers
with you losers anyway.
173
00:06:05,906 --> 00:06:07,366
Oof.
174
00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,327
Angry storm outs are
trending so low right now.
175
00:06:10,619 --> 00:06:12,830
Suh low.
So low.
176
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:16,250
Oh, thank you so much for
coming to a reading of my play.
177
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,585
I look forward to your feedback,
178
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,920
as long as it's
constructive, honest,
179
00:06:20,212 --> 00:06:21,255
and tells me everything
in my play is perfect.
180
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:22,506
Sounds good?
181
00:06:22,798 --> 00:06:23,883
What are you doin'?
182
00:06:24,174 --> 00:06:25,217
I'm just giving
these a little test run.
183
00:06:25,509 --> 00:06:27,845
I wanna see if this
tastemaking thing is legit.
184
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:29,930
Max, are you seriously wearing
glasses with no lenses?
185
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:32,641
Maybe.
Dude, I've seen you do
186
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,852
some really dumb things
before, but this...
187
00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:36,061
is not one of them.
188
00:06:36,353 --> 00:06:37,605
Those are cool.
189
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:38,939
And this is coming from a guy
190
00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:41,442
who wore a bandana around his
jeans leg in high school,
191
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,319
so I know what I speak of.
192
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:44,862
Yes!
193
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,323
And now let us begin
our journey.
194
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,159
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present you...
195
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:53,245
Black Plague: A Love Story.
196
00:06:53,537 --> 00:06:54,872
Now we will be holding
auditions in two days,
197
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:58,417
but for tonight, you
guys will be my actors.
198
00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,836
Brad, will you honor us
by playing the role of Clete?
199
00:07:01,128 --> 00:07:02,421
Clete?
Clete...
200
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,841
is a very interesting name.
201
00:07:06,133 --> 00:07:08,260
Clete is the very attractive,
well-meaning young man
202
00:07:08,552 --> 00:07:10,471
who's about to ask the love
of his life to marry him.
203
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:11,639
Jane.
Oh. Yeah?
204
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,974
"Clete" rhymes
with "Pete."
205
00:07:14,266 --> 00:07:16,060
Just a real eagle eye there, Alex.
206
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:18,562
And I will be playing the
role of the Black Plague.
207
00:07:18,854 --> 00:07:21,398
The evil, malignant foe of love,
208
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,777
intent on destroying the earnest
heart of the unsuspecting Clete.
209
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:25,861
Oh, boy.
210
00:07:26,153 --> 00:07:27,947
Okay.
211
00:07:28,238 --> 00:07:30,950
Wait, Penny wrote a play about a guy
who's about to get his heart ripped out?
212
00:07:31,241 --> 00:07:32,201
Yeah.
213
00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:33,160
Is this about Dave?
214
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:34,787
Sure.
215
00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:40,501
"I'm ruined.
216
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,796
"The Plague came to me
disguised as a gentle breeze,
217
00:07:44,088 --> 00:07:46,882
"but turned into a foul wind
that broke my heart.
218
00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:48,050
"I hate you, Plague!"
219
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:50,386
"And I deserve that hate.
220
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:52,888
"I destroy love
and all that is good.
221
00:07:53,180 --> 00:07:54,348
"That's what I do."
222
00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:56,850
The end.
223
00:07:57,142 --> 00:07:58,143
What'd you guys think?
224
00:07:58,435 --> 00:07:59,603
Uh...
Um...
225
00:07:59,895 --> 00:08:00,854
Um...
226
00:08:01,146 --> 00:08:03,065
Really interesting.
227
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:04,441
You know?
And that makes me think,
228
00:08:04,733 --> 00:08:06,193
did you come up
with this randomly or...
229
00:08:07,736 --> 00:08:09,071
Or is it personal, or...
230
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,280
Why? What...
What are you saying?
231
00:08:10,572 --> 00:08:12,116
Well, Pen, I mean,
232
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,868
your character destroys the heart
of a man named Clete.
233
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,579
Guys, it's a character.
234
00:08:17,871 --> 00:08:21,417
Would you ask Anthony Hopkins
if he were really a cannibal?
235
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,669
Would you ask Tom Hanks if
he owns Bubba Gump Shrimp?
236
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,796
Although, I think
he actually does.
237
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,631
I think he got a very healthy
piece of the backend merch.
238
00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:30,843
The point is, I have poured my
heart and soul and artistry
239
00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:33,053
into this creative endeavor,
240
00:08:33,345 --> 00:08:34,263
and the least you guys
could do is be supportive.
241
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:35,848
Ooh.
242
00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:40,894
Well, I think it's
pretty obvious why she's upset.
243
00:08:41,186 --> 00:08:43,397
She must know that that second
act has some real problems.
244
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,065
I mean, Black Plague?
245
00:08:45,357 --> 00:08:46,483
More like Hack Plague.
Am I right?
246
00:08:46,775 --> 00:08:48,444
Yeah.
247
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:49,820
Black Plague-Hack Plague.
Don't forget it.
248
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,155
Whoa. What was that?
249
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:52,656
What is it? What's happening?
What is that?
250
00:08:52,948 --> 00:08:55,075
That's a recorder. You don't have
to tell yourself not to forget it.
251
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:55,909
You're already doing that.
252
00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,081
Wow. Unbelievable.
253
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:04,043
And this is all because of Alex
and Max's conditioning mist?
254
00:09:04,334 --> 00:09:05,586
This is amazing.
255
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,546
I know. The guy
at the guitar store said
256
00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:09,590
I had the hair
of a white Aziz Ansari.
257
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,050
He's not wrong.
258
00:09:11,341 --> 00:09:11,925
Mmm.
Wow.
259
00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:14,511
Sadly, this is
not weird anymore.
260
00:09:14,803 --> 00:09:16,472
Oh. Honey. Um...
261
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,057
Why aren't you at lunch
with Penny?
262
00:09:18,348 --> 00:09:19,933
She canceled.
I think she's avoiding me.
263
00:09:20,225 --> 00:09:21,310
I think she's avoiding everyone.
264
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:22,936
She's not even
Instagraming anymore.
265
00:09:23,228 --> 00:09:25,481
She hasn't posted a picture
of an appetizer all week.
266
00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:26,523
I'm really concerned about her.
267
00:09:26,815 --> 00:09:27,941
Yeah.
268
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:29,943
I mean, she has clearly
not dealt with this breakup.
269
00:09:30,235 --> 00:09:30,986
Someone's gotta
get through to her.
270
00:09:31,278 --> 00:09:32,863
Yeah.
271
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,741
Maybe if a couple of guys who've
had a rough breakup talk to her,
272
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,743
she'd realize that
Pete's gonna be fine.
273
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,161
Oh, yeah. I can handle that.
Yeah.
274
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:40,871
I got dumped by a girl
in high school,
275
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,956
licked my wounds, got way
into anime, and moved on.
276
00:09:43,248 --> 00:09:46,126
And I had no problem getting
over the whole Alex thing,
277
00:09:46,418 --> 00:09:48,212
especially once we
got back together.
278
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,297
Yeah, that...
So that... Yeah.
279
00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:52,633
Um, I think Brad should maybe
take the lead on this.
280
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,551
You could come in and then
bounce it back to Brad,
281
00:09:54,843 --> 00:09:56,136
and then maybe
don't talk at all.
282
00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:57,012
Yeah.
283
00:09:58,847 --> 00:09:59,389
Dive right back into there.
284
00:09:59,681 --> 00:10:01,016
Get in there.
285
00:10:01,308 --> 00:10:03,268
Don't be afraid to go deep.
Nice.
286
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:04,436
Let me see those eyebrows.
They're pretty good.
287
00:10:04,728 --> 00:10:05,687
Ooh, they're nice.
288
00:10:05,979 --> 00:10:06,814
How about that goatee?
289
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:09,441
No one touches the goatee.
290
00:10:10,734 --> 00:10:11,318
Right.
291
00:10:12,402 --> 00:10:13,570
Excuse me.
292
00:10:13,862 --> 00:10:15,781
I don't normally do this, but,
293
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,325
you have the hair of a Greek
shipping magnate's worthless son.
294
00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:20,661
Thanks.
I get that a lot.
295
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,329
And that's because I use
296
00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,123
this awesome conditioning mist.
297
00:10:24,414 --> 00:10:25,290
Wow.
298
00:10:25,582 --> 00:10:26,166
Hey, is that stuff really good?
299
00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:27,751
Oh, it's better than good.
300
00:10:28,043 --> 00:10:29,169
It's fantastic.
301
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,295
I wouldn't use that
if I were you.
302
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:32,798
Just a heads-up.
303
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,424
Name's Devin.
304
00:10:34,716 --> 00:10:36,301
Yeah, I'm a girl
with a boy's name.
305
00:10:36,593 --> 00:10:37,928
I'm a bit of a trendsetter
that way.
306
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,555
Devin.
307
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:40,764
What's wrong with the mist?
308
00:10:41,056 --> 00:10:42,724
It seeps in through your pores,
309
00:10:43,016 --> 00:10:44,059
loosens up your bones.
310
00:10:44,351 --> 00:10:45,394
You want loose bones?
311
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:46,436
You wanna be like a...
I don't.
312
00:10:46,728 --> 00:10:48,355
A drunk marionette?
313
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:49,898
Don't listen to her. She
obviously has mental problems.
314
00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:52,067
Yeah, 'cause I used
the conditioning mist.
315
00:10:52,359 --> 00:10:54,153
And now me
skull can't hold me brain right.
316
00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:55,362
What are you doing?
317
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:56,613
Stop that, Jane! Stop it! What?
318
00:10:56,905 --> 00:10:58,031
Your bones are fine, Jane!
319
00:10:58,323 --> 00:10:59,449
And why are you Irish now?
320
00:10:59,741 --> 00:11:02,578
This is weird.
You're weird. Get out.
321
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:03,704
Dog darn it!
What the heck?
322
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,622
Jane, why are you sabotaging us?
323
00:11:05,914 --> 00:11:07,374
I am not gonna stand by
324
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:09,501
while you guys prey on the
gullibility of the public.
325
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,628
You are no better
than Bernie Madoff
326
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,213
or that guy who started Earth Day.
327
00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:14,882
I don't know how you guys
live with yourselves.
328
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,049
Do you wanna be
a tastemaker with us?
329
00:11:16,341 --> 00:11:17,092
Yes!
330
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,219
Yes!
331
00:11:19,511 --> 00:11:20,846
It's so pathetic, Jane.
332
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,598
I can see right through you.
333
00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,558
I don't want comedians.
I want actors.
334
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,810
Hey, Pen.
335
00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:29,897
We wanted to talk to you guy
to girl, mano y manette,
336
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:32,316
about how your play is
maybe sort of a metaphor
337
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,067
for your relationship and such.
338
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:36,069
Ooh. I would love
nothing more
339
00:11:36,361 --> 00:11:38,113
than to unpack the
subtext of my work,
340
00:11:38,405 --> 00:11:39,531
even though you
couldn't be more wrong.
341
00:11:39,823 --> 00:11:41,950
But I kinda gotta
finish auditions.
342
00:11:42,242 --> 00:11:43,869
We're having a really hard
time finding a Clete.
343
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,997
No, Penny! This is serious.
We're worried about you.
344
00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:48,540
You need to find a healthy way
to deal with your breakup.
345
00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,292
Oh, my God.
346
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:53,670
You couldn't be more right.
347
00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:54,796
Yes.
348
00:11:55,088 --> 00:11:56,381
For the role of Clete.
349
00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,092
That passion,
350
00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:01,011
the raw manness, the...
351
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,846
What?
What?
352
00:12:03,138 --> 00:12:05,349
I don't know why I didn't
see this at the read.
353
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:06,642
Where was that at the read?
354
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,060
I don't know.
355
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:08,685
Girl, what you doing back there?
356
00:12:08,977 --> 00:12:10,520
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
357
00:12:10,812 --> 00:12:12,481
Now, you have theater
experience, is that correct?
358
00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:14,233
Well, I mean...
359
00:12:14,524 --> 00:12:15,901
I haven't really kept up
with my acting.
360
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:17,903
I mean, aside from
memorizing every one
361
00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:19,988
of Taye Diggs' monologues
from Private Practice.
362
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,323
But that's just to stay sharp, and...
363
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,407
Damn it, Penny,
that's not the point!
364
00:12:22,699 --> 00:12:23,575
There it is again.
365
00:12:23,867 --> 00:12:25,535
That is so Clete.
366
00:12:25,827 --> 00:12:27,037
Brad, you must do this role.
367
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,538
Penny, no!
368
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,415
I will not do this role.
369
00:12:30,707 --> 00:12:32,167
I will define it.
370
00:12:32,459 --> 00:12:34,086
Wait a minute. Wait.
This is insane.
371
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,255
All right, this is insane.
372
00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:37,881
What about me?
373
00:12:38,173 --> 00:12:39,591
You know I love the theater.
What can I do?
374
00:12:39,883 --> 00:12:41,134
I have the perfect role for you.
375
00:12:42,719 --> 00:12:44,471
Head stage tech?
376
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:47,599
Dave, you're such a
student of the theater.
377
00:12:47,891 --> 00:12:50,352
Who better to create
the visual and audio palette
378
00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:51,853
to make my play pop?
379
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,189
Please?
380
00:12:54,481 --> 00:12:56,733
I don't want another
"briga-don't" on my hands.
381
00:12:57,609 --> 00:12:58,402
Okay.
382
00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:00,028
I'll briga-do it.
383
00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,616
Briga-do it.
Okay.
384
00:13:04,908 --> 00:13:08,328
All right.
Let's make some taste.
385
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:11,081
Now, I have a couple
notes on the script.
386
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:12,749
Take it easy, noob.
387
00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:15,377
We've been doing this
for literally days.
388
00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:17,963
You're right. I don't
have to be in charge,
389
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:19,381
even though it's
better when I am.
390
00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:21,425
Walk me through it.
It's simple.
391
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,385
We tell Brandon what products
we need and send him a check.
392
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:24,803
Then he sends us the goods.
393
00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:25,721
We go out, we tell everyone
how cool they are,
394
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:26,847
and then he pays us.
395
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,432
Cool, cool, cool.
396
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,684
Can we just circle
back to the part
397
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,103
where you pay Brandon
for the products?
398
00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:34,938
Well, he's not just gonna
give it to us for free, Jane.
399
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,982
Sometimes you are such a blonde.
400
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:38,859
Oh. Okay.
401
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,987
How much have you paid him
for the products so far?
402
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,280
2,500 bucks.
Oh, okay.
403
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:44,698
How much has he paid you?
404
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,076
$373 a-pure a-profit.
405
00:13:48,368 --> 00:13:49,870
Tic-tac-toe.
Tic-tac-toe.
406
00:13:51,538 --> 00:13:53,332
Well, you're being scammed.
407
00:13:53,623 --> 00:13:54,708
I'm out.
408
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,251
Best o' luck.
409
00:13:58,503 --> 00:14:00,839
I gotta tell you, she does
not understand business.
410
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:03,175
Yeah, like she doesn't buy
all those cars at her work
411
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,427
before she sells them?
412
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,812
All right, check it out. In order
to truly inhabit the role of Clete,
413
00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:18,190
I'm going method and living
as if I'm in the 1300s.
414
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,275
All right?
Fun fact, I am property.
415
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,402
Hey, guys, couple quick tweaks.
416
00:14:22,694 --> 00:14:23,987
Brad, in the scene
where Clete calls me
417
00:14:24,279 --> 00:14:26,323
"a foul, heartless scourge,"
418
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:29,701
could you add the words "selfish"
and "vomitous" before "foul"?
419
00:14:29,993 --> 00:14:31,078
- Uh...
- Thanks, bud.
420
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,788
And, Dave, when I first enter,
421
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,415
could you pipe some type of
noxious smell into the audience?
422
00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:37,000
Like a quarter-pound of shrimp
423
00:14:37,292 --> 00:14:39,419
you forgot was in your
baby's diaper kind of thing?
424
00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:42,923
I really want the audience to be
sickened by very sight of me.
425
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:43,715
Cool beans!
426
00:14:45,550 --> 00:14:47,010
Dude...
427
00:14:47,302 --> 00:14:49,554
We were supposed to help her,
but she played us.
428
00:14:49,846 --> 00:14:53,100
Yep. She knew exactly what every
straight dude would be distracted by.
429
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:54,518
Sweet Lady Theater.
430
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:55,352
Come on.
431
00:15:00,315 --> 00:15:02,401
Ahem. Pen.
432
00:15:02,692 --> 00:15:04,903
We gotta talk.
This play is about Pete.
433
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:06,905
What are you talking about?
Pete who?
434
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,323
Oh, Pete Sampras?
435
00:15:08,615 --> 00:15:10,367
I have moved on so much,
436
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:13,412
I literally have no idea to
which Pete you are referring.
437
00:15:13,703 --> 00:15:16,331
And besides, this is neither
the time nor the place.
438
00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:17,833
So when is the right time, Pen?
439
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,918
Whenever someone brings it up,
you try to avoid the subject.
440
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,003
We're not gonna rehearse
until we talk about this.
441
00:15:24,714 --> 00:15:26,508
If you're not gonna rehearse,
then you're fired.
442
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,553
Fine.
443
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,972
Good luck finding someone to
learn my lines by opening night.
444
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:33,348
And good luck finding someone
445
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:34,850
who can open and close
the curtains.
446
00:15:36,309 --> 00:15:38,270
I'll get Derrick to play Clete,
447
00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:39,521
and I'll just prop open the
curtains with a sandbag.
448
00:15:40,313 --> 00:15:41,106
Wait.
449
00:15:45,193 --> 00:15:47,821
Good luck finding a sandbag with
a goatee and a heart of honey!
450
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,156
Yeah!
451
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,866
I'm willing to negotiate.
452
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,414
This is going to be rough.
453
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,249
Yeah.
454
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,084
I can't believe that you and Dave
couldn't get through to Penny.
455
00:16:01,376 --> 00:16:03,211
Really?
You can't believe it?
456
00:16:03,503 --> 00:16:06,214
We're idiots, Jane. That's
how we've always done it.
457
00:16:06,506 --> 00:16:09,342
All we can do now is be here for
Penny, as brutal as it's gonna be.
458
00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:11,094
And it's gonna be pretty brutal,
459
00:16:11,386 --> 00:16:14,097
because Derrick as Clete
is the biggest miscasting
460
00:16:14,389 --> 00:16:16,224
since portobello mushrooms
started filling in for burgers.
461
00:16:16,516 --> 00:16:19,603
Dude, let it go. We're here
to support our friend.
462
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,855
Who's opening this curtain?
463
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:22,981
It should be a fluid
wave of velvet.
464
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:26,359
England, 1348.
465
00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:28,487
Smell that germ-free air.
466
00:16:28,778 --> 00:16:30,614
Are you kidding me?
467
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:35,118
Life is good, so soon I will
ask my true love to marry me
468
00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:37,370
with my grandmother's ring.
469
00:16:37,662 --> 00:16:39,080
Ohh!
470
00:16:39,372 --> 00:16:40,707
Hark, it is I,
471
00:16:43,418 --> 00:16:44,920
the Black Plague,
472
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:48,590
the worst disaster ever
and destroyer of love.
473
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:52,469
I have come to ruin this
noble man's life and heart.
474
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:53,553
Ahh.
475
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:59,809
♪ My heart is bursting
inside of me
476
00:17:00,101 --> 00:17:02,479
♪ So will your boils
from leprosy
477
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,441
♪ Joy and love,
I have a surplus
478
00:17:06,733 --> 00:17:08,568
♪ Too bad I'll fill
your lungs with pus
479
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:12,405
♪ Pandemic of the heart
480
00:17:12,697 --> 00:17:15,450
♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart
481
00:17:15,742 --> 00:17:18,870
♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart
482
00:17:19,162 --> 00:17:22,374
♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart
483
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,544
♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart
484
00:17:25,835 --> 00:17:28,213
♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart! ♪
485
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:33,677
♪ All around me
is blue-bonic
486
00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:37,430
♪ I feel so blue-bonic
487
00:17:37,722 --> 00:17:41,935
♪ No leeches, potions,
or tonic
488
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:46,481
♪ Can heal my blue-bonic ♪
489
00:17:46,773 --> 00:17:48,441
Okay, I can't take
much more of this.
490
00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:50,193
Don't worry.
It's almost over.
491
00:17:50,485 --> 00:17:52,112
The Black Plague
is about to infect Clete.
492
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,071
What?
493
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,243
All around me is death.
494
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,453
All hope seems lost,
495
00:18:00,745 --> 00:18:04,165
but at least I get to
marry my one true love.
496
00:18:04,457 --> 00:18:07,877
No force on earth is cruel enough
to take that away from me.
497
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,839
♪ What is that?
498
00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:14,968
♪ Is that a plague
I see before me?
499
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,886
♪ I'll say again ♪
500
00:18:17,178 --> 00:18:19,222
Is that a plague
I see before me?
501
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,100
Plague?
Hello, Plague!
502
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,103
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
503
00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:26,646
♪ Yes, you can
504
00:18:26,938 --> 00:18:29,190
♪ Because we only have
the theater till 4:00
505
00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:30,984
♪ And we need
to clean it up
506
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,944
♪ Before Cheri Oteri's
one-woman show comes in
507
00:18:33,236 --> 00:18:35,155
♪ Because she's gonna
go ballistic ♪
508
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,866
No, I can't do this. I cannot
break your heart again.
509
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,910
Only a horrible person would
do that to someone so sweet.
510
00:18:41,202 --> 00:18:42,037
I'm so sorry
for what I did, Pete.
511
00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,790
I mean, Clete.
512
00:18:46,082 --> 00:18:47,709
Ohh, she's having
a full-on breakdown.
513
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,628
I know what to do.
514
00:18:49,919 --> 00:18:51,212
Max!
Trust me.
515
00:18:51,504 --> 00:18:53,131
In two weeks, you're gonna
wanna remember this.
516
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:54,924
Dave, I have an idea.
Come with me. Go.
517
00:18:55,216 --> 00:18:57,052
Well, I guess
I'll just keep dancing
518
00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:59,179
until the plague
stops being a selfish...
519
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:00,889
Aw, man!
520
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,058
Now WorldstarHipHop
won't take that video.
521
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:05,518
Three, two, one.
Let there be light.
522
00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:08,647
It is I,
523
00:19:08,938 --> 00:19:11,024
the real Clete,
524
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,110
who knows how to conduct himself
when things go south onstage.
525
00:19:14,402 --> 00:19:16,946
Plague, you do not have to feel
guilty for what you've done.
526
00:19:17,238 --> 00:19:18,657
I should feel guilty.
527
00:19:18,948 --> 00:19:21,534
I devastated Pete.
I ruined his life.
528
00:19:21,826 --> 00:19:23,578
Only a terrible person
would do that.
529
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,540
Maybe I don't deserve love.
530
00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:30,126
Penny, stop. You're a good person.
All right?
531
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,672
A bad person would've
married him anyway
532
00:19:33,963 --> 00:19:36,049
and ridden the couch
with him into middle age.
533
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,927
Sitting in silence,
watching reruns of Becker,
534
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:40,553
and originals
of the reboot of Becker
535
00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:41,554
called New Adventures
of Old Becker.
536
00:19:41,846 --> 00:19:43,014
I'd watch that.
537
00:19:43,306 --> 00:19:43,973
Yeah, eye on the ball, buddy.
538
00:19:44,265 --> 00:19:46,184
Oh. Right.
539
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:49,062
But take it from a guy.
You did him a favor.
540
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:50,855
You didn't want to spend the
rest of your life with him.
541
00:19:51,147 --> 00:19:52,190
Now he's free to find
someone who does.
542
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,567
Really?
543
00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:56,444
Yeah, really.
544
00:19:56,736 --> 00:19:58,697
Pete will get over this,
and so will you.
545
00:19:58,988 --> 00:20:00,198
In the long run, it'll
all be for the best.
546
00:20:01,574 --> 00:20:02,242
Brighter days ahead, Pen.
547
00:20:05,870 --> 00:20:07,914
Don't you lose her, David.
Don't you lose her!
548
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,335
So you're saying
people should...
549
00:20:12,627 --> 00:20:15,547
♪ Thank the Black Plague
for what it did? ♪
550
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,257
Oh, my God. She's crazy.
551
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,844
♪ Um, wouldn't exactly
phrase it like that
552
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,512
♪ Kinda killed
millions of people ♪
553
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:26,975
♪ The Black Plague
will rise again
554
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:28,727
♪ Spreadin' 'round town
and findin' men
555
00:20:29,018 --> 00:20:29,978
♪ Hallelujah!
556
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:31,896
Little help here, Dave!
557
00:20:32,188 --> 00:20:33,148
♪ The
Black Plague will rise again
558
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,774
♪ Spreadin' 'round
town and findin' men ♪
559
00:20:35,066 --> 00:20:36,776
Ooh! Smoke!
560
00:20:37,068 --> 00:20:37,736
I'm gonna get out of here.
561
00:20:45,785 --> 00:20:47,454
Prometheus?
562
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,581
More like "amateur-metheus."
Am I right?
563
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:50,915
- Am I right?
- No.
564
00:20:51,207 --> 00:20:52,792
"Amateur-metheus." Gold.
565
00:20:53,084 --> 00:20:54,002
- Okay.
- Gold?
566
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:55,670
Hey, how much does
that thing... Dink!
567
00:20:55,962 --> 00:20:56,755
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Ahh!
568
00:20:57,046 --> 00:20:58,923
Look at that.
569
00:20:59,215 --> 00:21:01,885
Yeah. Let's see what kind of
gems are in this treasure chest.
570
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:03,011
David, always remember,
571
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:04,721
don't call a person "sailor"
572
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:07,098
unless you're absolutely
positive that person's a sailor.
573
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,393
Oh, yeah, you do
that all the time.
574
00:21:10,685 --> 00:21:11,770
You do that all the time.
575
00:21:12,061 --> 00:21:13,688
Ooh! New downstairs
hair design idea,
576
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:16,065
double lightning bolt.
Win-win.
577
00:21:16,357 --> 00:21:17,692
All right, I think we've
all had a nice window...
578
00:21:17,984 --> 00:21:18,985
Personal note, I really,
really love my friends...
579
00:21:19,277 --> 00:21:21,070
Aw, Dave!
580
00:21:21,362 --> 00:21:22,197
...in the following order.
581
00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:22,864
What's that?
Wait a minute.
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