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1
00:00:01,792 --> 00:00:03,920
Hi!
See 'em and weep.
2
00:00:04,212 --> 00:00:07,006
Six front row tickets to the
Rock Bottom Remainders concert.
3
00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:09,300
Ha ha! What is that?
4
00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:13,221
Only the most popular
rock band in the world,
5
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:16,390
made up entirely
of best-selling authors.
6
00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:19,185
We have master of suspense
Stephen King,
7
00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:22,188
voice of an Asian generation,
Amy Tan,
8
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,815
beloved humorist, Dave Barry!
9
00:00:25,107 --> 00:00:25,691
Who's in?
10
00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:34,742
You see, the thing is...
11
00:00:35,034 --> 00:00:35,701
What day was that?
12
00:00:35,993 --> 00:00:38,621
Well, in less confusing news,
13
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,207
Dave and I wanna have everyone
over for Thanksgiving this year.
14
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:41,916
I mean, unless you've already
started prepping, Jane.
15
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,169
I've already started
prepping Thanksgiving
16
00:00:45,461 --> 00:00:47,129
two full weeks ahead of time.
17
00:00:47,421 --> 00:00:49,090
Right.
18
00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:52,927
Don't worry. I am not
making you look fat.
19
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,556
Perfect.
Then it's settled.
20
00:00:56,847 --> 00:00:58,808
Although this time of year
21
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,851
is always a little
bittersweet for me.
22
00:01:01,143 --> 00:01:02,687
There it is.
23
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:06,023
Thanksgiving is a real reminder
of my people's hardships.
24
00:01:06,315 --> 00:01:08,359
As an American living with
one-sixteenth Navajo-ism,
25
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,778
I'm gonna use this
as an opportunity
26
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:12,863
to educate... Perhaps enlighten
all you white people,
27
00:01:13,155 --> 00:01:14,740
and throw
an authentic Thanksgiving.
28
00:01:15,032 --> 00:01:16,200
White people?
29
00:01:16,492 --> 00:01:17,326
You guys wouldn't understand.
30
00:01:17,618 --> 00:01:19,495
None of your ancestors were
at the first Thanksgiving.
31
00:01:19,787 --> 00:01:20,955
Okay, neither were the Navajo.
32
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,748
One of our many snubs.
Yeah.
33
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:26,127
Oh! Fun factoid. at the time
of the first Thanksgiving,
34
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,130
our Serbian ancestors were having
a Thanksgiving of their own.
35
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:31,173
They were thanking God for
sparing them from the wolves
36
00:01:31,465 --> 00:01:32,800
while giving each other
the plague.
37
00:01:35,886 --> 00:01:37,305
That fact wasn't fun, was it?
38
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,265
Oh, you'll get 'em
next time, kiddo.
39
00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:40,016
She will not.
40
00:01:51,485 --> 00:01:53,154
I'm so excited about this.
41
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:56,282
For our first dinner party at our
new place, I feel so sophisticated.
42
00:01:56,574 --> 00:01:57,658
Plus, look,
I can make the turkey dance.
43
00:01:57,950 --> 00:01:59,577
Unh, unh, unh, unh.
44
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,038
He's popping and locking.
Splits!
45
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,206
Where are those clams that I
put on the shopping list?
46
00:02:04,498 --> 00:02:06,542
Oh, I thought
that was a mistake.
47
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:08,461
Why would you want clams
on Thanksgiving?
48
00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:10,796
I just assumed you meant clamps.
49
00:02:11,088 --> 00:02:12,798
Why would I want clamps
on Thanksgiving?
50
00:02:13,090 --> 00:02:14,800
I don't know!
For clampin' stuff!
51
00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:16,677
See? Look.
52
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:19,221
Don't need to worry about that.
53
00:02:19,513 --> 00:02:20,973
It's all clamped up.
54
00:02:21,265 --> 00:02:25,269
Al, quahog clams were a featured
dish in the first Thanksgiving.
55
00:02:25,561 --> 00:02:27,521
I guess I gotta go get some
now to prove to you guys
56
00:02:27,813 --> 00:02:29,649
how much better
an authentic Thanksgiving is.
57
00:02:29,940 --> 00:02:32,777
Oh, Dave, come on. I respect
your cultural traditions.
58
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:37,573
That's why... I made...
Navajo-Ho-Hos.
59
00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:40,785
Tepees, Al? The Navajo
did not live in tepee.
60
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:42,328
I am deeply offended by this.
61
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:48,250
They're here.
62
00:02:49,877 --> 00:02:51,087
Happy Thanksgiving!
63
00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,089
- Gobble, gobble!
- Turkey time!
64
00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:54,340
I brought you some wine.
65
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,050
Ooh, just like Sideways.
66
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,510
Thanks for having us, Al.
67
00:02:57,802 --> 00:02:58,678
Welcome, welcome!
68
00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:02,348
Just as I thought.
69
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,225
Dry, unbrined, overseasoned.
70
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:05,434
And she's clearly been
making it dance.
71
00:03:09,855 --> 00:03:10,815
Mmm.
72
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,319
Wrap it in a rug.
Throw it in the river.
73
00:03:15,611 --> 00:03:17,822
Right.
74
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,990
Hey, you guys, I brought
something awesome.
75
00:03:20,282 --> 00:03:21,575
You guys remember
how Brad and I met...
76
00:03:21,867 --> 00:03:22,702
On Real World: Sacramento.
77
00:03:22,993 --> 00:03:24,161
Uh-huh.
Of course.
78
00:03:24,453 --> 00:03:26,622
Totally normal. And how they
couldn't air that season
79
00:03:26,914 --> 00:03:27,957
because one of the roommates
burned down
80
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:28,999
the converted firehouse
we were living in?
81
00:03:29,291 --> 00:03:29,917
Uh-huh.
Of course.
82
00:03:30,209 --> 00:03:31,502
To the ground.
83
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:32,878
Well, they finally
sent me the DVDs,
84
00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:34,714
so we get to watch it,
including the episode
85
00:03:35,005 --> 00:03:35,464
where you guys all came
to visit.
86
00:03:35,756 --> 00:03:38,134
Oh, my God!
Aah!
87
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:40,553
Oh, man!
That was so long ago.
88
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,179
That was before Dave and I
started dating.
89
00:03:42,471 --> 00:03:43,681
That's where you met Brad.
90
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,766
Mmm. And where I had berries
for the first time.
91
00:03:46,058 --> 00:03:46,726
Overrated!
92
00:03:47,017 --> 00:03:48,519
Okay, this is not about you.
93
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,147
This is about me
and my emotional journey.
94
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:52,732
This is me coming out.
95
00:03:53,023 --> 00:03:54,650
If that season had aired,
96
00:03:54,942 --> 00:03:57,027
I would have been the first
openly gay person on television.
97
00:03:57,319 --> 00:03:59,238
Except for Ellen, Rosie,
all the Queer Eye guys.
98
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:01,824
Oh, and Norman Korpi from The
Real World Season One. Deep cut.
99
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:03,451
I'm a fan.
Mmm.
100
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,746
But you guys will see when we
watch this that I am a hero.
101
00:04:07,037 --> 00:04:08,456
Isn't it odd how our six-some
102
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:09,915
was basically forged
on The Real World,
103
00:04:10,207 --> 00:04:11,041
and yet we never talk about it?
104
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:13,335
Classic Penny overthink.
105
00:04:13,627 --> 00:04:14,545
Come help me set the table,
you brainy bitch.
106
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:15,421
Okay.
107
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,133
Baa ahwiindzin bij.
108
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,469
Happy Day of Thankfulness.
Oh, shut up.
109
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,596
Excuse me, sir. We were headed
to the Thanksgiving Day parade
110
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:25,931
when our car ran out of gas
about a mile away.
111
00:04:26,223 --> 00:04:28,517
Could we borrow
a few dollars for gas?
112
00:04:28,809 --> 00:04:32,229
The irony. You see,
it's the custom of my people
113
00:04:32,521 --> 00:04:33,689
to help strangers in need.
114
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,524
And this,
on the day of Thanksgiving.
115
00:04:37,651 --> 00:04:39,528
You know what?
I'm gonna hit the A.T.M.
116
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:40,863
Nice guy.
Total sweetheart.
117
00:04:42,656 --> 00:04:45,284
♪ Helping the strangers
118
00:04:46,410 --> 00:04:49,538
♪ Thanksgiving day
119
00:04:49,830 --> 00:04:53,584
♪ More like Thanksgiving Dave
120
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:57,213
♪ Heart of an eagle ♪
121
00:04:57,505 --> 00:05:01,008
Oh! Oh, I see you've moved
from an outside-my-car
122
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,219
to a more inside-my-car
situation.
123
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:04,762
See you later, buddy!
124
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:08,682
No! No!
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
125
00:05:08,974 --> 00:05:11,143
David!
Trust your instincts, David.
126
00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:15,773
Okay, so Brad can sit on the
exercise ball. Mmm-hmm.
127
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:18,442
And Max can have the camping
chair, and then you'll be here.
128
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:20,361
In that sex swing?
129
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:24,198
Ew! No! This is
an ergonomic work hammock.
130
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,825
You see how easy?
131
00:05:26,116 --> 00:05:27,201
No carpal tunnel
for this productive gal.
132
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,661
That's a sex swing.
133
00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,371
The guy at the flea market
clearly said
134
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:31,413
that it was
for taking care of business.
135
00:05:31,705 --> 00:05:32,748
I hope they cleaned it.
136
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,042
Doesn't Dave have
a dining room table
137
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:37,378
and standard, non-marital-aid
chairs in storage?
138
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,463
Yeah, but he hasn't really
moved all his stuff in yet.
139
00:05:39,755 --> 00:05:40,256
After four weeks?
That's weird.
140
00:05:41,131 --> 00:05:42,925
Really?
141
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,052
I guess it is. Should I be
reading something into it?
142
00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:48,138
What? What? No.
143
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,432
No, don't read anything
into anything.
144
00:05:50,724 --> 00:05:52,351
Reading's stupid.
TV rules!
145
00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:53,310
Excuse me.
146
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,231
Max!
147
00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,275
Is it bad I told Alex
I think it's weird
148
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,651
Dave hasn't moved
his stuff in yet?
149
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,945
Not unless you still
have feelings for Dave,
150
00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:04,822
and you're mad at Alex
'cause she lives with him now
151
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:07,658
and you're subconsciously
trying to sabotage them.
152
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:08,450
But you aren't doing
anything like that.
153
00:06:08,742 --> 00:06:10,452
I don't know.
154
00:06:10,744 --> 00:06:11,871
I mean, I have always been
a bit of a saboteur.
155
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,207
But I wouldn't do that to Alex.
156
00:06:15,499 --> 00:06:17,793
Would I? No, I would...
I'm not doing that.
157
00:06:18,085 --> 00:06:19,378
Sounds like you got
everything worked out.
158
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:21,380
I don't. Okay, everybody,
gather 'round.
159
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:22,673
Ooh, what are we watching?
Are we watching something?
160
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:24,466
I love watching stuff.
161
00:06:24,758 --> 00:06:25,593
It's our Real World.
Oh!
162
00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,597
That was never supposed to see
the light of day.
163
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,141
Plus who really wants to
live in the past, you know?
164
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,476
It's like...
Pre-Newtonian physics?
165
00:06:34,768 --> 00:06:37,062
No, thank you, sir.
Not this gravity buff.
166
00:06:37,354 --> 00:06:39,565
I'll stay tethered to the
Earth, thank you very much.
167
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,734
Oh, come on, Brad. It'll be
fun to see us back then.
168
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:43,861
Plus TV rules, right, Penny?
169
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:48,824
Huh? Yes! Love it. TV rules,
and I always say that.
170
00:06:49,116 --> 00:06:50,576
Is that a bit you guys are doing?
Don't worry about it.
171
00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:52,161
I know why Brad's so nervous.
172
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:53,871
Max, was there a bathroom cam?
173
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,873
'Cause this one can't go pee in the
morning...
174
00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:57,583
...until he does
his little wiener greeting.
175
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,293
"Good mornin', Mr. Brad!"
176
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,754
"Oh, 'ello, good morning,
Mr. Wiener.
177
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:04,632
"Where we aimin' at
this mornin', Mr. Brad?"
178
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,051
- Well, I need to see...
- Mr. Brad.
179
00:07:09,553 --> 00:07:10,387
Here we go! So exciting!
180
00:07:10,679 --> 00:07:11,430
Whoo!
181
00:07:13,557 --> 00:07:14,725
This is the true story...
182
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:15,851
True story!
183
00:07:16,143 --> 00:07:17,394
Of seven strangers.
184
00:07:17,686 --> 00:07:19,355
Oh, Mr. Cool Guy.
185
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:20,731
Picked to live in a house...
186
00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:22,191
And have their lives taped...
187
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:23,359
Look at those dreads!
188
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,526
Lord, have mercy!
189
00:07:24,818 --> 00:07:26,904
To find out what happens...
190
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:27,821
When people stop being polite...
191
00:07:28,113 --> 00:07:29,531
I remember Jared.
He was so cute.
192
00:07:29,823 --> 00:07:30,783
Ohh.
Yeah.
193
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:32,201
I liked his butt-chin.
Mmm-hmm.
194
00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:33,577
And start getting real.
195
00:07:33,869 --> 00:07:36,121
The Real World Sacramento!
196
00:07:36,413 --> 00:07:38,749
Okay, boring, boring, boring.
197
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,335
There's Jill telling us about her
early onset menopause.
198
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:42,753
Boring, boring, boring.
199
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:44,463
There's the girl
that burned down the house.
200
00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:46,548
Keep going. Boring, boring, boring...
Oh, there's me!
201
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:47,925
Today's the day my friends
are coming to visit,
202
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,885
and I'm super excited,
203
00:07:50,177 --> 00:07:52,429
especially 'cause my
girlfriend Penny is coming,
204
00:07:52,721 --> 00:07:55,766
and we have
a very sexual relationship.
205
00:07:56,058 --> 00:07:58,811
We are like two rabbits...
Just...
206
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:03,774
Doing it all the time.
207
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:07,945
There's so much sex and, uh...
208
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,697
It's all hetero.
209
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,200
I'm so sorry.
210
00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:15,077
I'm so excited for you guys
to meet my friends.
211
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,286
They're super chill.
Aah!
212
00:08:16,578 --> 00:08:18,330
Come on!
213
00:08:18,622 --> 00:08:19,707
This place is insane!
214
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:24,044
Oh, my God.
I belong on camera.
215
00:08:24,336 --> 00:08:25,546
Not that hair, though.
216
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,090
Talk about hair.
Look at Jane Stefani and Dave.
217
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:30,217
I mean, he looks like
an extra in Singles.
218
00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:33,762
What the fish?
Free haircuts?
219
00:08:34,054 --> 00:08:37,766
Traffic light inside? They're
usually outside. It's so clever.
220
00:08:38,058 --> 00:08:40,936
Oh, Boo, this is when
we first connected.
221
00:08:41,228 --> 00:08:43,105
Oh, look what time it is.
222
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:44,398
Hot tub 30!
223
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:50,195
Ooh! That sounds so fun!
224
00:08:50,487 --> 00:08:52,531
But the tub can clearly only
seat six people safely,
225
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:54,241
maybe seven if we do
that weird thing
226
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:55,325
where someone sits
in the middle.
227
00:08:55,617 --> 00:08:59,079
So I will make
a sign-up sheet, right?
228
00:08:59,371 --> 00:09:00,956
And we can all take turns.
229
00:09:01,248 --> 00:09:02,708
Whoo! Sacramento!
230
00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,960
Sign-up sheet!
231
00:09:05,252 --> 00:09:06,754
Dude, what is
that girl's deal, man?
232
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,756
She's so controlling.
233
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,424
She should make a sign-up sheet
for who should stop talking
234
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,176
and put herself
on top of the list.
235
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:13,802
Uh!
236
00:09:14,094 --> 00:09:16,764
Ugh! These shows!
237
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,474
They really edit stuff to
make you seem like a jerk
238
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:21,143
when you really just love
your wife so much.
239
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,771
I cannot stand that Jane chick.
240
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,939
Kerkovich?
More like Kerko-bitch.
241
00:09:26,231 --> 00:09:27,816
Uh.
242
00:09:28,108 --> 00:09:30,069
Ah!
243
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,362
It's crazy, like, how they
edit that stuff, right?
244
00:09:32,654 --> 00:09:34,239
It's like, how did they
make me say that?
245
00:09:34,531 --> 00:09:35,949
I didn't even say that.
It's like, what did they do?
246
00:09:36,241 --> 00:09:37,242
Do they, have, like, computers
up in my mouth and just, like...
247
00:09:37,534 --> 00:09:38,285
Good morning, Mr. Wiener!
248
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:39,244
Remember that?
249
00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:45,709
So...
250
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:48,378
Kerko-bitch, huh?
251
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:51,632
Jane, that can't be the first
time you've heard that, is it?
252
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,425
It is the first time
you've heard that.
253
00:09:53,717 --> 00:09:55,094
So don't mention anything
about the fact
254
00:09:55,385 --> 00:09:56,136
that in my head just now
I came up with "Jerk-ovich."
255
00:09:57,429 --> 00:09:59,306
Not the time or place.
256
00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:00,849
Will someone please get me
out of this cadence, 'cause...
257
00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:02,476
I am not controlling!
258
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:05,104
I'll prove it.
You know what, Alex?
259
00:10:05,395 --> 00:10:06,814
Let's make potatoes together.
260
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:07,856
We can make them
any way you want...
261
00:10:08,148 --> 00:10:10,818
Either the good way or your way.
262
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,611
We can make my famous
bad potatoes this year?
263
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,988
Jane, come on.
That was years ago.
264
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,448
I was a moron, remember?
265
00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,700
I was using body lotion
on my face.
266
00:10:18,992 --> 00:10:20,577
Yeah, why don't we all
take a fiver,
267
00:10:20,869 --> 00:10:21,912
and then we'll get back into it.
268
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,626
All right,
here are your quahogs.
269
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,211
Great. One detail.
270
00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:31,463
I don't
have any traditional money.
271
00:10:31,755 --> 00:10:32,965
Well, no clams then.
272
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,342
Come on, man.
Here's the dealio.
273
00:10:35,634 --> 00:10:37,928
Some pilgrims stole my car and
phone, so I can't call my friends
274
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,930
because I don't know
any of their numbers.
275
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,015
I called the cops, but apparently
they won't take you to get clams
276
00:10:42,307 --> 00:10:44,935
because they "aren't
a taxi service for idiots."
277
00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:47,020
So I was hoping
that you and I could have
278
00:10:47,312 --> 00:10:51,733
a little barter situation
here vis-a-vis... A trade.
279
00:10:52,025 --> 00:10:53,902
This is a real store.
280
00:10:54,194 --> 00:10:55,404
If I don't show up
with a sack of clams,
281
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:56,446
I'm gonna look like a real dope.
282
00:10:57,906 --> 00:10:59,950
I do like that jacket.
283
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,286
This jacket for some clams?
284
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,079
I mean, this thing is Choice,
285
00:11:04,371 --> 00:11:06,748
plus it's 30 degrees outside.
286
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,667
You're trying to trick me
into a very uneven trade.
287
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,335
The story of my people.
288
00:11:10,627 --> 00:11:12,087
White people?
289
00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:14,339
You who focus on
fifteen-sixteenths of a man.
290
00:11:14,631 --> 00:11:16,133
Tell you what.
291
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:17,342
The clams...
292
00:11:18,635 --> 00:11:19,761
Plus this blanket.
293
00:11:22,389 --> 00:11:23,140
Fine.
Fine.
294
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:25,017
Fine.
295
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,191
Joke's on you.
296
00:11:32,482 --> 00:11:33,859
All my friends hate that jacket.
297
00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:40,991
Oh, no. Does this have
cat hair on it?
298
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:51,668
Kiss her, kiss her!
Body shots!
299
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:52,920
Body shots!
300
00:11:55,797 --> 00:11:57,966
We do so much... yeah,
we do so much of that.
301
00:11:58,258 --> 00:11:59,259
I thought you were coming out in
this, buddy.
302
00:11:59,551 --> 00:12:00,969
Hey, Al.
303
00:12:01,261 --> 00:12:01,970
Remember how I said it's weird
304
00:12:02,262 --> 00:12:03,597
that Dave hasn't moved in yet?
305
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,015
I was being a real dumb-dumb,
306
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:06,642
because it is the opposite
of weird.
307
00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:09,061
It's actually totally normal.
308
00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,647
Dave took forever to move in
with Max, too, remember?
309
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:13,106
Yeah, 'cause he genuinely
didn't wanna move in
310
00:12:13,398 --> 00:12:14,650
and was totally conflicted.
311
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:18,445
Mmm. Mmm, mmm. mmm.
Exactly,
312
00:12:18,737 --> 00:12:19,988
which is why he'd never
do it again, you know,
313
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,782
and that's just standard Dave.
314
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:23,242
Never feeling the same
way twice, you know?
315
00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:25,160
Anyways, you guys
are solid as a rock,
316
00:12:25,452 --> 00:12:27,496
and your love
seems eternal. Bye!
317
00:12:29,414 --> 00:12:31,917
Eee!
I think I made it worse.
318
00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:33,502
Penny, stop it.
319
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:35,420
You are not sabotaging anything.
320
00:12:35,712 --> 00:12:37,965
There's no way Alex knows that you may
or may not have had feelings for Dave.
321
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:41,134
It's just a figment of your
little, tiny girl brain.
322
00:12:41,426 --> 00:12:42,678
You know what?
You're right. You're right.
323
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:44,388
I don't know why I've been
freaking out for nothing.
324
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,181
Thank you.
325
00:12:46,473 --> 00:12:48,850
My relationship with Max
is awesome.
326
00:12:49,142 --> 00:12:49,810
Sometimes we just talk all night
327
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,229
and forget to have sex.
328
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:53,855
What if you weren't with Max?
329
00:12:54,147 --> 00:12:57,109
If I weren't with Max?
I don't know.
330
00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:58,527
What about Dave?
You like Dave?
331
00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:00,696
Dave?
332
00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:03,031
No, Dave is...
What? Dave is Dave.
333
00:13:03,323 --> 00:13:06,493
I mean, he's cute.
He's pretty great.
334
00:13:06,785 --> 00:13:08,745
But why? Did he say
something about me?
335
00:13:09,037 --> 00:13:10,622
Oh, my God.
336
00:13:10,914 --> 00:13:12,958
Awkward alert.
337
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,084
What? You had feelings
for Dave?
338
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:19,089
What? No, Al.
That's... That's all...
339
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:22,050
That's editors there,
and I wouldn't... I... I...
340
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:25,846
Hey! Remember
Brad's British wiener?
341
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:28,015
Those were 'appy times!
342
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,267
Whee! Look at me!
343
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:31,601
Whee!
344
00:13:35,355 --> 00:13:37,941
So... Okay,
here's the thing.
345
00:13:38,233 --> 00:13:39,192
About what I said about Dave...
346
00:13:39,484 --> 00:13:40,360
Okay, you know what?
Just stop, Penny.
347
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:42,070
All right?
I'm starting to get it now.
348
00:13:42,362 --> 00:13:43,155
You had feelings for Dave,
and you know what?
349
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,781
Maybe you still do.
350
00:13:45,073 --> 00:13:47,075
So you said all that stuff
about him not moving in.
351
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,619
No. What I said on The
Real World was nothing,
352
00:13:49,911 --> 00:13:53,206
and it was 2002.
It was such a crazy time.
353
00:13:53,498 --> 00:13:55,208
We were all still reeling
from the events
354
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,002
surrounding
the film Vanilla Sky.
355
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,587
I mean, what is reality?
356
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:03,842
I am so tired
357
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,636
of people using Vanilla Sky to
defend everything!
358
00:14:06,928 --> 00:14:08,180
And I get that.
And I get that.
359
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,282
My Rock Bottom
Remainders tickets.
360
00:14:27,574 --> 00:14:29,159
I can sell these for money.
361
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:31,745
Mmm!
362
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:32,996
Thank you, rockin' scribes.
363
00:14:35,248 --> 00:14:37,918
Six tickets
to Rock Bottom Remainders!
364
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,961
Six tickets
for Rock Bottom Remainders!
365
00:14:40,253 --> 00:14:41,546
Hey, I love R.B.R.
How much?
366
00:14:41,838 --> 00:14:43,340
200 bucks.
367
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:44,508
All right, man, you got a deal.
That's great.
368
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,134
Yeah? All right.
369
00:14:46,426 --> 00:14:47,928
Oh, you don't understand
what kind of day I've had.
370
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:49,554
See, I'm one-sixteenth Navajo...
371
00:14:49,846 --> 00:14:50,222
Sir, you're under arrest
for scalping.
372
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:53,558
Scalping? Scalping?
373
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:56,603
Oh, come on, man.
Why would you do this
374
00:14:56,895 --> 00:14:58,647
to a fellow Rock Bottom Remain-dude?
375
00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:00,315
What are you doing
looking for scalpers anyway?
376
00:15:00,607 --> 00:15:02,359
We're nowhere near
a concert venue.
377
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:04,361
No, but we are
outside a police station.
378
00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,071
Scalping?
The pilgrims drove me to it!
379
00:15:09,032 --> 00:15:10,617
Well, we've had
an emotional day,
380
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:12,077
but it's about to get worth it,
381
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:14,329
because I am about to say
"I'm gay" on TV,
382
00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:17,040
and it's the first time
anybody has ever done that.
383
00:15:17,332 --> 00:15:18,625
Watch, watch, watch,
watch, watch.
384
00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:19,793
Dude, I got something
crazy to tell you.
385
00:15:21,586 --> 00:15:23,004
It's really important.
386
00:15:29,636 --> 00:15:30,804
What's that now?
"I'm Greg"?
387
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,931
I said, "I'm gay."
I'm a hero!
388
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,558
You're definitely a hero
to all the Gregs out there.
389
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,393
First openly Greg person
on television.
390
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:37,519
They're letting Gregs
in the military now.
391
00:15:39,646 --> 00:15:41,148
Oh, look, there I am.
392
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,817
So young. So naive.
393
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:46,736
So unaware of what my future
husband was saying about me.
394
00:15:47,028 --> 00:15:49,531
It was a first impression.
395
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,576
Mmm, mmm, you know what
my first impression was?
396
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,954
Here's the man I wanna spend the rest
of my life with and no one else.
397
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:57,289
Jared!
398
00:15:57,581 --> 00:15:58,748
Jared!
399
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,375
Jared?
400
00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,461
Ready for some boom-boom?
401
00:16:02,752 --> 00:16:04,379
Boom-boom?
402
00:16:04,671 --> 00:16:06,006
Welp, I think Brad's embarrassed
himself enough for today.
403
00:16:08,091 --> 00:16:10,302
Jared!
404
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:11,887
Jared.
Oh.
405
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,807
Oh. Hey.
406
00:16:17,642 --> 00:16:19,561
Oh. Hey, sir.
407
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:20,687
Hey, you.
408
00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:23,690
Mmm! Yumbers.
409
00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:24,357
Where are you going?
410
00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:25,442
Jared.
411
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,777
Jared, hmm?
412
00:16:28,069 --> 00:16:30,363
You were gonna hook up
with booty-chin Jared?
413
00:16:30,655 --> 00:16:31,740
He had a booty on his chin!
414
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,158
Ehh.
415
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:35,494
Ehh. What is that?
So? So what?
416
00:16:35,785 --> 00:16:36,995
I was just some big mistake?
417
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:39,039
Guess a lot of people are
learning stuff about people
418
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:40,916
based on stuff that they've
heard in the past.
419
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,001
Or should I say, "The stuff
is out of the stuff bag"?
420
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:45,337
Al, I'm sorry.
Guys, come on.
421
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:46,588
You're being really insensitive
to what I'm going through
422
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,089
right now ten years ago.
423
00:16:48,381 --> 00:16:50,383
Guys, listen,
Penny thinks it's weird
424
00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:51,760
that Dave hasn't
moved his stuff in.
425
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,178
Is that really so weird?
426
00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:54,012
Yes!
427
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:55,639
Oh.
428
00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,227
I, uh, didn't realize
you all felt that way.
429
00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:03,813
Guess it is a little weird.
430
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:06,149
Well, let's just see
what Dave has to say about it.
431
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:07,192
Dave?
432
00:17:07,817 --> 00:17:08,735
David.
433
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:10,445
Dave?
434
00:17:10,737 --> 00:17:11,988
Has Dave not been here
this whole time?
435
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,156
I could have sworn he just
handed me this beer.
436
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:16,159
Aah! Clams!
437
00:17:16,451 --> 00:17:17,035
Dave, are you okay, man?
438
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,412
Ay! Gosh.
439
00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,122
Dude, did you just give me this
beer, like, five minutes ago?
440
00:17:21,414 --> 00:17:24,042
Dude, you just sneezed
right in my mouth.
441
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,043
I need some
hand sani for my face.
442
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:28,171
And then they got my car back.
443
00:17:28,463 --> 00:17:29,965
Great.
444
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,050
But then they confiscated
my R.B.R. tickets.
445
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,720
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah!
446
00:17:36,012 --> 00:17:37,055
That's terrible.
Tough week.
447
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:39,182
But it wasn't all bad.
448
00:17:39,474 --> 00:17:42,435
I mean, I wanted an authentic
Thanksgiving, and I got so much more.
449
00:17:42,727 --> 00:17:45,021
I experienced the entire plight
of the Native American people
450
00:17:45,313 --> 00:17:46,356
in just one day.
451
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:47,732
Oh, no, you didn't.
452
00:17:48,024 --> 00:17:49,609
That is wildly insensitive.
453
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:52,988
And 'cause of my hardships,
I feel as though
454
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,948
I've earned the right
to bestow upon myself
455
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,158
my own Indian name.
Oh.
456
00:17:57,450 --> 00:18:01,121
So henceforth, I will be known
as "Has Ordeals With Clams."
457
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:02,622
I don't like it.
458
00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:04,833
Now is that a legal name change,
459
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:06,418
or this like the time you wanted
us to call you "Lindsey"?
460
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:08,169
It's so much bigger than that.
461
00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:09,754
Oh, excuse me, Linds.
462
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,634
Pen.
463
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:17,429
I overreacted. I know
you were just asking me
464
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,848
a normal question about Dave
moving in, and I'm sorry.
465
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,434
Look, I would never try
to hurt your relationship,
466
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,853
and our friendship is the
most important thing to me.
467
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:27,355
Yeah. And I am so happy
that you're happy.
468
00:18:27,647 --> 00:18:29,691
And me and Dave?
469
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,110
- That would be...
- Crah-zah!
470
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:33,653
Crazy. I should
have just said "crazy."
471
00:18:33,945 --> 00:18:35,280
I'm the one who's acting crazy.
472
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,782
It's... It's just that...
473
00:18:38,074 --> 00:18:39,951
I hadn't eaten in, like, 20 minutes.
474
00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:41,911
There we go.
I think that was it.
475
00:18:42,203 --> 00:18:44,080
Your blood sugar... You've
gotta stay on top of it.
476
00:18:44,372 --> 00:18:48,126
So... Pretty crazy
Dave story, huh?
477
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:50,503
Probably the most surprising
event or piece of information
478
00:18:50,795 --> 00:18:52,172
that's come to light today.
479
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:53,173
I just can't believe
I was only an accident.
480
00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:56,635
Well, you know, I... I
was doing some research,
481
00:18:56,926 --> 00:18:58,887
and you know what else
was an accident,
482
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,014
but then turned out
to be amazing?
483
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:02,891
The slinky.
Nuh-unh.
484
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:05,185
And corn fiakes.
485
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:06,686
And Play-Doh. I
love the way that smells
486
00:19:06,978 --> 00:19:07,979
but not the way it tastes.
487
00:19:08,271 --> 00:19:09,731
And penicillin.
488
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:10,774
I needed so
much of that in college.
489
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,818
Oh! I love
all that stuff!
490
00:19:14,110 --> 00:19:16,154
And the accident of us kissing
491
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,781
didn't turn out to just
be something great,
492
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:19,699
but it... it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
493
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,330
And every moment after that
was no accident.
494
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:30,126
Aw. Babe.
495
00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:34,255
Mmm.
496
00:19:34,547 --> 00:19:35,840
Dave, I gotta ask you
a question,
497
00:19:36,132 --> 00:19:38,301
and I want you to be
totally honest with me.
498
00:19:38,593 --> 00:19:39,761
Why haven't you moved
your stuff in yet?
499
00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:41,721
What? I told you.
I'm moving in this weekend.
500
00:19:42,013 --> 00:19:44,933
That's the earliest
I could get movers.
501
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,518
Don't tell me you were
eyes-open napping again.
502
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,689
Hey, movers are coming with
my stuff on Saturday, okay?
503
00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:56,027
I do do that.
It's weird, huh?
504
00:19:56,569 --> 00:19:57,404
Yeah.
505
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:03,326
Well, I've prepared the clams
in the traditional manner,
506
00:20:03,618 --> 00:20:05,829
then I sampled them and
subsequently disposed of them.
507
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:07,539
You're welcome.
508
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,291
But this turkey...
Oh, my God. It is delish.
509
00:20:10,583 --> 00:20:12,001
I guess I really outdid myself.
510
00:20:12,293 --> 00:20:15,880
Yeah, you did, Al.
To the Kerko-bitch sisters.
511
00:20:16,172 --> 00:20:17,215
Yeah!
Yeah!
512
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:18,717
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving.
513
00:20:19,008 --> 00:20:21,094
Happy Thanksgiving.
514
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,971
Happy Thanksgiving.
515
00:20:28,309 --> 00:20:30,061
Where are my porridge
and my turkey leg?
516
00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:35,442
Dude, I don't know
what to tell you.
517
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,736
That's not my dish.
That is your dish.
518
00:20:38,027 --> 00:20:40,363
No, it's not! Yes, it...
I'm not washing that dish.
519
00:20:40,655 --> 00:20:42,782
I don't care what you do,
Wyclef!
520
00:20:43,074 --> 00:20:45,160
Dude, don't... don't...
don't start with me, dude.
521
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,662
What? What do you mean? I... I just
found out your name wasn't "Maps."
522
00:20:47,954 --> 00:20:49,456
I thought it was "Maps"
this whole time. Wh-wh...
523
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:52,250
Why would it be "Maps"? Who
names themself after a thing?
524
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:53,752
You don't wanna
make me angry, dude,
525
00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:55,086
'cause when I get angry,
I get naked,
526
00:20:55,378 --> 00:20:56,212
and when I get naked,
I fight. Bottom line.
527
00:20:57,797 --> 00:20:58,882
Now I...
Do you wanna go?
528
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:00,049
No, I don't wanna
fight you naked.
529
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:02,594
You're making it
real weird right now.
530
00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:04,012
I'm making it real weird?
531
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:05,847
All right, Busta Bust.
Don't call me that.
532
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:08,016
Why don't you throw your hands
where my eyes can see,
533
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,977
which would be in the sink,
doing my dishes?
534
00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:13,313
You think I'm supposed to do your dishes
'cause I'm black and I have dreads?
535
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,690
No, you're supposed to do my
dishes because you're black,
536
00:21:15,982 --> 00:21:17,609
have dreads, and clearly... Ha! You
just said they were your dishes!
537
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,486
You said they were your dishes.
538
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:20,820
You said they were your dishes.
You got me.
539
00:21:21,112 --> 00:21:22,238
They're your dishes.
You got me.
540
00:21:22,530 --> 00:21:24,407
They are my dishes. They are my dishes.
541
00:21:24,699 --> 00:21:27,202
Bro, I got you.
I knew it!
542
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:28,620
It's all right, dude. You
don't have to clean it up.
543
00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:29,537
Make someone else clean it up.
Yeah. Screw them, man.
40020
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