All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S01E11.1080p.BluRay.x264-YELLOWBiRD

Club sandwich,
two pieces of bread

avocado sliced thin, no tomato.
Check.

You're not gonna write this?
I don't need to.

I remember every order
with a handy mnemonic device

using state capitals
and Tobey Maguire movies.

Or you could just write it down.
And... it's locked in.

It is not locked in. We gotta
stop sitting in Randy's section.

He always gets the order wrong
because he never writes.

He'd get your food right if you
didn't order like a girl.

Oh, my God.

Please don't complain.

We know what happens
when they don't like a customer.

You think
they spit in your food?

No, I think my cable guy
has seen me naked.

I know they spit in our food.
Not me.

I was the best waitress.
It's all about the upsell.

Its like,
"You don't want another plate

"of Maui Wowie chicken bites?

How about now, table of
divorced dads?" Damn.

Telling your
"chicken bites" story?

I need to get new stories.

That guy you were talking to
was cute. Give me deets.

I don't know.
I wasn't paying attention.

I was too busy making up
a song in my head

about why mac and cheese
are best friends.

Hey, Max, it was great
to meet you.

Look, I've gotta run, but do you
want to go out some time?

Uh, sure.
Great, all right.

Well, how about Friday?
That's my number.

Okay, great. I'll give you
a call. Later, Adrian.

Ooh!
Yeah, girl.

Black, British and gay?
Fabulous.

That guy walks into a bar, it's
London britches falling down.

Guys, what is this,
Sex and the City, season two?

Oh, la, la, la!
Have it on DVR.

Wait a minute. You're not gonna
call that guy? Are you nuts?

Come on, he sucks. I can tell.

Max, why do you always
blow a guy oft

before you get to know them?

I don't do that.

This thing is sweet.

I always wanted a muscle car.

Yeah, I know, right? I love
to just throw the top down

and blast Dave Matthews.
Yup.

It's a slippery slope,
all right?

You let one guy in that
likes Dave Matthews Band,

the next thing you know
you're playing Frisbee golf

and taking it really seriously.
Okay, here is your club soda

and tomatoes on the side.

Just like you ordered.

Tomatoes? Ugh.

Ooh. Uh...

Guys, tomato.
I just got tomato.

He's got a thing with tomatoes.

I can't even... No.

If he throws up, I will.

Max... All right.

What's your problem with Adrian?

That guy was incredibly
hot and perfect.

What's the big deal?
He has a British accent?

I could have a British accent.

Meet me at
the palace for high tea, mon.

Hey, I have no idea
what that was.

What could he have
possibly said in five minutes

that made you not wanna
go out with him?

He was kind of terrible.

He kept going on and on
about the Bears.

You love the Bears.
He was one of those "we" guys.

Like, "We need
to play better defense.

We need to stick our blocks."
Like, you're not on the team.

Oh, Max, I used to be
just like you.

I used to look for any excuse
not to like a guy

so that I could reject him
before he rejected me.

Was that before or after you
slept with every guy you met?

Oh, la, la, la.
Let me know when you're done.

Brad was the only guy

I didn't pre-judge
instantly, and thank God.

Aw, that's my boo.

I'm okay with sloppy 22nds.

Sure, I could have bailed
when I saw his collection

of Paula Abdul singles,
or when I learned

he tucks his pajama shirt.
Let's wrap this up.

It doesn't matter.
I threw away his number.

Oh, well...

Okay. Did you keep this because
you think we really have a shot

or because you're an
obsessive-compulsive wack job?

Mm, 80-20.

I just think you should
give him a chance.

Go out on one date with him.

He may not be as bad
as you think he is.

All right, fine.
I'll go on a date with him.

The second he tucks his
pajamas in, I'm out of there.

I don't understand why he can't
look nice when he goes to bed.

Is that a crime?

Oh, Sara.

Alex?
No, it's... It's Dave.

No, I know.
Oh, I get it.

You wanna do some role-playing.

No, you have a tattoo
on your back that says "Alex."

Oh, my Alex tattoo is for...

Alex Trebek?
I know,

but it was better
than my last excuse.

Alexander Hamilton.

He wrote most of
the Federalist Papers.

That is so crazy.

I thought most
of the Federalist Papers

were written by James Madison.

Impressive, right, boo?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I wasn't listening.

I was picturing
that Adrian guy naked.

- So was l.
- Hello.

Hey, Al.

Dave was telling us about how
his Alex tattoo

is totally killing his game.

Oh, is it? Big game?

No, not big game, not bison.
Just the occasional deer or two.

Maybe a gnu.

How about you? ls your Dave
tattoo messing up your game?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean,
that's why I got it removed.

You did?

I just thought
it was time to move on.

Plus, I got tired of saying
I was a Super Dave Osborne fan.

What? How could you get tired
of telling people

you're a Super Dave fan?
Maybe I should get mine removed.

Maybe you should.
Well,

maybe I will.
Maybe you should.

Maybe I will.
Okay.

I'm just trying to clear
something up in my head

as I go over it again.

Are you a Super
Dave Osborne fan,

or are you tired
of telling people

you're a Super Dave Osborne fan?
Why do you do this?

There we go. Enjoy.
Thank you.

Is any of it right?
It's on a plate.

Well, mine looks fine.
Pen, stop defending him.

You told him you were
allergic to nuts

and your salad's
all pecan-crusted.

It's okay. I'm just gonna eat
around it. So...

Oh, my God, my throat's closing.

Okay, this has gotta stop. Hey.

No. Okay, look, it's really hard
to be a waiter. Just...

Pen, he needs to hear
some constructive criticism.

It'll make him better
at his job.

He'll thank me
in the long run. Dude.

What's up?

Start writing stuff down.

I didn't order pie,
Penny almost died.

Feel like you should flip those.
He always gets my order wrong.

Randy, are you getting
more complaints?

No, I have this mnemonic device
that I'm using...

I told you this can't
happen again, all right?

Hit the road. You're fired.

- What?
- You're fired!

Well, thanks a lot, man.

Oh, and this is locked in.

But I... You said...

Oh, so now y'all don't
know nobody? For real?

That's what hot in the streets?

So how hammered were you
when you got this thing?

Let's just say there was
a lot of hair-holding.

Hold my hair. Hold my hair.
I got it.

- Aw, jeez.
- Whoo! Go Bears!

Go Bears!
Go Bears!

Sounds like a lot of fun.

What do you say we blast
this bitch's name off, huh?

Oh. Whoa, no, no, it's...
It's not like that.

We're actually still friends.

Oh, one of those.

Sounds like you have
unresolved feelings.

No, no, it's just...
When'd you break up?

About four months ago.
Four months ago, mm-hm.

I'm sorry, why are you
writing that down?

This has nothing to do...
In my experience, if someone

is truly over someone, they get
those taken off right away.

Well, I've been really busy,
you know,

buying V-neck T-shirts,
wearing V-neck T-shirts.

Pretty much usurp
most of my time.

Exactly. There are two things
you need to understand.

One, I do not validate.

And two, you shouldn't
get this done

until you have all your feelings
worked out.

You really need to understand
tattoo removal is permanent.

Once you have a tattoo taken
off, you cannot put it back on.

Really? I feel like I could...

Just think about
what I said, okay?

If you'll excuse me, I have
to remove a face pentagram

from a woman who's running
for city council.

She's got my vote.

Boom, triple 20.
I win again, Clyde.

I don't care that you don't
remember where you are.

Don't go anywhere, okay?
Hello?

Hey, it's Jane.

How's your
date going with the Brit boy?

Oh, it's awesome.

I know, Chelsea Handler has
forgotten how to keep it real.

We're really hitting it off.

I'm so glad to hear that.

That is just fantastic.
Mm-hm. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, you just missed Adrian.
Why aren't you on your date?

Uh, look, I wasn't into it.

Needed to reconnect with Clyde.

So did you at least call to
cancel or did you stand him up?

You stood him up?
It's not a big deal.

What did you say when he called
to find out where you were?

He didn't call.

Well, then, how do you know
he didn't stand you up?

What?

You're out of your mind.

I mean, is it possible
that Max got Maxed, huh?

Okay, one, I love how you
used my name as a verb.

Big part of becoming a cultural
icon, which is a goal of mine.

Two, you shut your whore mouth!

Ooh, touched a nerve.
No one Maxes Max.

Now, let's go grab whatever
WASP overcoat you wear.

We're gonna go to that bar
and see he's sitting there

like a skinny British loser,
all, like:

"Where's Max? He
broke my heart by not showing up."

Your shirt inside out?

Yup, my shirt is inside out.

Hey.
Hey.

I wanted to ask you something.
Yeah, come on in.

I was just making myself
some tea.

Do you want some?
No, I'm good.

Um, let me ask you something.
How soon after the whole thing

did you get your tattoo removed?
Oh, my tattoo.

Excellent question. Um...

I don't know.
Like, a week or so. Yeah.

That was fast.

Yeah.
Did you get yours taken off?

You free to be a playa?
Don't say "playa."

I regretted it
almost immediately.

So was there any scarring?

Yeah, a little. Yeah.

Do you mind if I took a look,
just to see what I'm in for?

Nah, I don't think so.

I wasn't trying
to get you naked.

I know that's
not what you meant.

Yeah. It wouldn't be weird

because we've done it
like a million times.

Yeah, like, a million bajillion
times, right?

Yeah.
But I don't know.

It's weird.
No. It's not.

Yeah, it's weird.
It's a little weird.

Look, um, you're about to get

a really long apologizey
text from me.

Don't read it.
I just have to send it.

Adrian did not stand me up.

I'm like a chubby
Chris O'Donnell,

which in Chicago is like
a regular Chris O'Donnell.

All right, calm down.

Wow, Max,

Adrian picked a place where they
make guacamole at your table.

Didn't you say
when you come into money

you were gonna get one of those
ladies to live at your house?

I don't think I said that.

Besides,
she's using a lot of lime.

I don't see Adrian anywhere.

Oh, yeah? He's probably
in the bathroom

writing Elliott Smith-type
songs about me.

Excuse me. Have you
seen a guy named Adrian?

Black, British?
Oh, yeah, I know him.

We used to be roommates

until he got that
front-office job with the Bears.

That's why he was saying "we."
He's them.

He works for the Bears.
That is pretty cool.

Jane, its Chicago. Everybody
works for the Bears.

So where's Adrian tonight?

He didn't come in tonight.
He didn't?

On Fridays he goes
to the Avalon Theater

for good bad movie night.

A bunch of people sit around
and watch a bad movie

and make fun of it.
It's ironic.

Orange whips?
No orange whips for me.

Tell me this guy doesn't
sound perfect for you.

This is why you have
to give people a chance.

He could be your Brad,
except for British. Way cooler.

Do you think my marriage
is in trouble?

We're going to the Avalon.

To apologize and ask him
out on a real date?

No, because I'm pissed.

I feel bad
for getting Randy fired.

I wanna make it up to him.

At this point, I really think
you should leave it alone.

No, no, no, I
know the perfect thing.

No.
Mm.

This is much better.
Mm-hm.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you guys doing here?
Are you stalking me?

Look, man, uh, I feel bad,
so I bought this gift basket

to apologize for
getting you fired.

Wait, you got fired?

I bet it was for not
writing stuff down.

No, no, it's no. It's because
I touched someone's butt.

Why did he get fired?

Uh, he touched my butt.

I'm tired of you
not writing stuff down.

You forgot phone messages,

our anniversary.

When my birth parents
came to town.

How hard is it to grab a pencil?

Say something.
Uh, she's right.

Writing stuff down only takes a second.
Not that.

We're done, Randy,
and in case you forget,

write it down!
Okay...

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

I think she just needs
a second to calm down.

Yeah.

And by the way, your band sucks.

I don't know what you're
worse at, guitar or sex!

No.

Stings a bit.

What exactly is your plan?

You just gonna run
in and start yelling?

I don't have a plan,
but I like your plan.

I don't have any money.
Pay for my ticket.

Two for Jessie Spano's Boobs.

Adrian?

- Adrian? Adrian?
- Shh! Hey, quiet.

Max? Hey,
what are you doing here?

Shh!
You shush, bro.

I'm trying to have
a personal conversation here.

Trying to watch the movie, bro.

You do not want to get into
a bro-oft with me.

Boom! Shamed.
What do you want?

I came to let you know that even
though you have an awesome job,

and you're black and British,
which is sexy,

and you know a place
to make magic happen

out of an avocado and a pestle
doesn't give you the right to...

Oh, my God, is this the "I'm a
dancer, not a stripper" scene?

Awesome.

In Spanish. Amazing.

You can't stand people up.

I didn't stand you up.

Then how come the bartender
said you weren't there?

I was waiting outside.
Oh, you were outside.

Like a gentleman.

That's actually very nice.
It's super-polite.

That's the kind of guy I am.
It's... It's nothing.

I feel we got off
to a rocky start.

I said things,
you said some things.

Actually, I didn't say anything.

My point is that I'm actually
glad it worked out.

I learned a ton about you while
I was trying to track you down.

Oh, that's nice, Max.

Do you know how else you
could have learned about me?

Facebook?
No, by turning up for our date.

Sorry, Max. I don't date
guys who play games.

Look who got served now, bro.

Shut your whore mouth, okay?

He just got his heart broken.
Yeah, this was embarrassing,

but this is embarrassing too.
You're on a date with no one.

You're alone.
Okay. Enjoy the movie.

Yeah, enjoy the movie.

Enjoy your date.
We don't need any more words.

You two come together?
You and no one?

Huh? You'll be alone
for the rest of your life.

Know how I can tell?
Stupid beard!

Drum solo.

High hat.

So it's our anniversary,

and I know you've always
wanted to go to Paris

so I priced out
two first-class tickets.

What?
And then I realized I'm a waiter

with $40,000
in student loan debt,

and I got you this instead.

Aw.

That's... That's way better than
an actual trip to Paris, right?

Louvre, schmouvre.
Turn it over.

Would you wanna move in with me?

Oh, my God. Yes!

Yes? Yes?
Yes, yes, yes.

Awesome, except we gotta
keep the bathroom door shut.

Those couples just creep me out.

So, what are you having removed?

On my back I got this giant
eagle fighting a bison

on top of a skull
made out of lava

while five panthers wait to rip
apart the carcass of the loser.

You?
Uh...

It's a hawk

eating Abe Lincoln's brains out
of his top hat, wrapped in a...

Hey, Al.
What are you doing here?

Sweet.

Al, you still got the tattoo.

Why'd you lie?
Come here.

I don't know, you know?
It just...

It hurt to think it was so easy
for you to get rid of it.

It's been months and I still
can't bring myself to do it.

Okay, well, if we're gonna
be completely honest,

I didn't bail on
getting mine off

just because of the scars
and stuff.

But it's time, right?

Yeah.

So then let's do it together.

If we are gonna face lasers,
we're gonna need some help.

A little tail of the dog?
It's "hair of the dog."

What do I care?
I'm a cat person.

I'm a cat person too.
Mmm!

Do you remember the last
time we drank that stuff?

I only remember
the morning after.

Oh, my head.

Jäger.
Oh, God.

The last thing I remember

is doing body shots
off your stomach.

That was not me,
that was the bartender.

He was a nice man.
Mm-hm.

Why is my shoulder so sore?
Hm?

Oh, maybe it has something to do
with that.

Ah! I got a tattoo!

Oh, I think it's kind of sweet,
you know?

Oh...
It's kind of like

even when I'm not with you,
I still will be, you know?

Ow.

Oh, hell, no.
Oh!

You got a "Dave" tattoo
on your hip.

My name on your beautiful body.

I look like an extra on Oz.
You really don't.

Are we really that couple
that has matching tattoos?

I think it's... It's cute,
you know? It'll be...

a great story
we can tell our children.

I love you.

I love you too.

It was a fun morning.
Easy.

Do you think we made a mistake?
Yeah, we made a huge mistake.

Ow! Ow!
That hurts. It hurts!

So Randy's ex says she hasn't
seen him since they broke up.

You know, he's probably fine.
Or living in his car.

Yeah, or a shoe.

Or a ranch,
breeding baby unicorns.

Or in his car. No, seriously,
he's living in his car.

Oh.

Hey, fella.

Hi.

What you doing in there?

First you get me fired, then you
get me kicked out of my house,

now I can't even sleep
in my own car.

Hi, how are you?
Hi.

So things are good?
Oh, great.

Uh, no house, no girlfriend,

my band just kicked me out,
which they only let me join

because I gave them free food
from the restaurant.

Sounds like
someone's going solo.

Look, man, I'm really
sorry about what happened.

I'll tell you what,

I'm gonna get you a job
at my office.

No. Seriously?
Oh, yeah.

Really? Because that would
be awesome, man, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, happy to do it.
Yes.

Call me on Monday.
Okay.

Uh, take my number down.
Yeah.

- It's 312-487...
- 487...

What are you doing?
Locking it in.

I got a brain like a computer,
so just hit me with it.

Like I told you,
it's just a mnemonic device,

which is simply a memory aid.

I mean, you can use them
really for anything.

I have one for the Great Lakes,

one for the planets
that are in orbit,

uh, the heads of Mount Rushmore.

It's a little more complex
than the others.

So you didn't get them removed?

No. No, those tattoos were
a symbol of our bond as a couple

and now they're a symbol
of our bond as friends.

Yeah. You can't just
get rid of something

that special just like that.
Hurt too much?

Like a bitch!
Yeah.

I gotta say, Max,
I'm really surprised you called.

Hey, don't worry. I'm not into
Dave Matthews anymore.

It's all good.
I'm not the type of guy

to judge someone
over one thing anymore.

So how's everything going?
Oh, it's good, man.

Uh, just hanging out.
Mm-hm.

I finally traded in
that old muscle car

and now I'm rocking
a cherry 2001 PT Cruiser.

Okay.
Yeah.

I'm super-excited about this fan
blog I started for Paul Walker.

Oh. He's a guy.
Yeah.

I mean, that pretty much
catches us up to today.

Good.
Yeah, which is a great day,

because I just got
this braided belt.

Okay, I gave it a shot.
I'm done.

Baby steps.
True.

Okay, so I want a she-wolf
making love to a metal panther

on top of a flaming bar code.

And under that I want it to say:

"if there's a hell,
I'll see you there, Janet."

You gonna write that down?

Nope, it's locked in.