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1
00:00:02,084 --> 00:00:04,879
There's no good reality
television anymore.
2
00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:07,507
Everything is scripted.
I want something real.
3
00:00:07,798 --> 00:00:09,717
You could watch a documentary.
Am I a lesbian?
4
00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:12,553
That one with the penguins
was legit, with Morgan Freeman.
5
00:00:12,845 --> 00:00:14,138
Man, that guy can narrate.
6
00:00:14,430 --> 00:00:16,599
I don't care how silky
or inspiring his voice is.
7
00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:19,101
I don't wanna see
a documentary about penguins.
8
00:00:19,393 --> 00:00:21,145
What if the penguins
got hammered,
9
00:00:21,437 --> 00:00:24,190
formed alliances and had
night-vision sex in a hot tub?
10
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:25,942
I'm listening.
I'd watch that.
11
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:28,236
Penguins wouldn't
survive in a hot tub.
12
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,279
I got the promotion.
13
00:00:30,571 --> 00:00:31,697
I know.
14
00:00:31,989 --> 00:00:33,991
Know what else you could do
with penguins?
15
00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:37,870
Put them in a loft, give them
48 hours to redecorate.
16
00:00:39,705 --> 00:00:41,499
Or we could talk
about your thing.
17
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:43,251
Promotion! Ha, ha.
18
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,878
I'm so excited. I get a raise,
I get a bigger office,
19
00:00:46,170 --> 00:00:48,172
and the best part is,
I get an assistant.
20
00:00:48,464 --> 00:00:49,840
You'll love having an assistant.
21
00:00:50,132 --> 00:00:52,885
They do the boring stuff,
like get your dry cleaning,
22
00:00:53,177 --> 00:00:55,763
or buying anniversary
presents for your...
23
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:57,723
Your mailman.
Oh.
24
00:00:58,015 --> 00:01:01,143
I am just so psyched because
I have had such terrible bosses,
25
00:01:01,435 --> 00:01:04,897
and now I get to be, like,
the cool boss, you know?
26
00:01:05,189 --> 00:01:07,858
Less Devil Wears Prada,
more angel wears business cas.
27
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:09,235
You should be cool, okay?
28
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,112
In high school,
my boss was such a jerk
29
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,071
I messed up orders
to get back at him.
30
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:14,615
You worked at a pharmacy.
31
00:01:14,907 --> 00:01:16,075
Don't make me come in
on Memorial Day.
32
00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:19,829
Damn. Don't make this
little white girl do nothing.
33
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,998
Don't make me do nothing.
Y'all heard?
34
00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:35,469
I'm telling you, penguins
in a loft is not gonna work.
35
00:01:35,761 --> 00:01:36,846
I feel I've seen that before.
36
00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:39,348
Replace the penguins
with Hasidic Jews,
37
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,892
change the loft to a houseboat,
you got a show.
38
00:01:42,184 --> 00:01:43,394
Jews Cruise.
I like it.
39
00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,646
Know who would be the host?
Brooke Burns.
40
00:01:45,938 --> 00:01:47,189
Mike Ditka.
Mike Ditka.
41
00:01:47,481 --> 00:01:49,609
Winningest Bears head coach,
winningest hair.
42
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,653
You can pay him in steak.
All right, ladies, two beers,
43
00:01:52,945 --> 00:01:55,615
double shot of tequila.
I didn't order that.
44
00:01:55,906 --> 00:01:58,326
I know. I just can't keep
serving an adult man sangria.
45
00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,869
But I like the fruit.
46
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:01,912
You and me are gonna
have to work on that.
47
00:02:02,204 --> 00:02:04,498
And FYI, the all-time
winningest Bears coach
48
00:02:04,790 --> 00:02:06,459
is George Halas, not Mike Ditka.
49
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:07,960
Heh.
50
00:02:08,252 --> 00:02:10,671
Whoa. Ho-ho.
That girl's super into you.
51
00:02:10,963 --> 00:02:13,174
Too bad she's not your type.
I don't have a type.
52
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,092
You like girly girls.
53
00:02:15,384 --> 00:02:17,803
Tough girls aren't your thing.
I like tough girls.
54
00:02:18,095 --> 00:02:21,349
Real tough. Men.
I can't handle a tough chick?
55
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:22,642
Nope
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
56
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,019
I'm tough.
I'm super tough.
57
00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:30,399
Hi.
Hey.
58
00:02:30,691 --> 00:02:32,360
I was the guy you brought the...
59
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,570
Yeah.
I don't know if this is weird...
60
00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:36,572
Because I'm a patron
and you work here...
61
00:02:36,864 --> 00:02:39,241
Pull up your skirt
and ask me out.
62
00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:42,870
Actually, it's, um,
slim-fit jean.
63
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:47,792
Uh, yeah, let's hang out.
64
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:49,627
Yeah.
Yeah.
65
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,004
Hello.
66
00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:54,882
I just heard about
this mid-week spa deal,
67
00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:56,759
two for one mani-pedis.
You wanna go?
68
00:02:57,051 --> 00:02:59,887
Ah, I can't, I have Pilates.
69
00:03:00,179 --> 00:03:01,138
Oh, you meant Jane.
70
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,643
I can't, either.
Got a meeting
71
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:07,853
for my adult literacy
organization.
72
00:03:08,145 --> 00:03:10,064
I need to start doing more good,
you know?
73
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,941
Hey, maybe I could help.
74
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:13,651
Yeah, I don't think
you'd like it.
75
00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:16,070
It is a ton of work
with the planning
76
00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:17,196
and the sitting around
waiting for them
77
00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:19,865
to sound out the simplest words.
78
00:03:20,157 --> 00:03:23,536
Ugh, it's... You're not
missing anything, trust me.
79
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:26,038
I guess I'll see
you guys later, then.
80
00:03:26,330 --> 00:03:27,289
Thanks for breakfast.
81
00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:28,541
Welcome.
Okay.
82
00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:32,461
I know, I know.
That was a crappy thing to do.
83
00:03:32,753 --> 00:03:35,131
It's just that this
literacy group is my thing,
84
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:38,175
and Alex always has a way
of kind of coming in
85
00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:39,844
and stealing all the attention.
86
00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:42,179
In the year AD 89,
87
00:03:42,471 --> 00:03:45,516
Titus Flavius Domitian
ordered the construction
88
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:48,227
of the Hypogeum catacombs.
89
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:51,731
Look at me, Daddy.
I'm Emperor Cloppy Shoes.
90
00:03:52,022 --> 00:03:53,983
Look at you!
Cloppy, cloppy,
91
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,528
- cloppy, cloppy, cloppy.
- You're adorable, honey.
92
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,697
I've been working
on this for so long.
93
00:03:59,989 --> 00:04:02,450
The graduation
is kind of my time to shine.
94
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:05,202
I mean, also the readers' time
to shine, but me too,
95
00:04:05,494 --> 00:04:08,664
because I've been working
on my emcee jokes and...
96
00:04:08,956 --> 00:04:11,584
This whole thing
is just super important to me.
97
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:14,920
I'm sorry.
98
00:04:15,212 --> 00:04:17,673
I can't stop thinking about
your sister's little feet
99
00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:19,008
in your dad's shoes.
100
00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:22,803
Must have been hilarious.
101
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,643
Hey, Ree-Ree.
Hey, Pee-Pee.
102
00:04:29,935 --> 00:04:32,229
We'll need a brainstorming
session on my nickname.
103
00:04:32,521 --> 00:04:34,607
Here's your dry cleaning
and new cell phone.
104
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,609
I transferred
your personal contacts.
105
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,194
You can use the old one
for work.
106
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,362
This looks complicated.
107
00:04:40,654 --> 00:04:42,198
I just took a picture
of my cleavage.
108
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:43,949
And, yup, emailed it
to my stepdad.
109
00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,286
Ree-Ree, one tiny skootch.
110
00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:50,080
It says here on the bill
you got $50 cash back?
111
00:04:50,372 --> 00:04:53,751
Oh, my God, I totally
forgot to mention that.
112
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,045
I used $10 for lunch.
I was getting your phone,
113
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,797
I didn't have time
to go to the bank.
114
00:04:58,088 --> 00:04:59,590
Sorry.
Let me get change.
115
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:03,093
Ree-Ree, I'm the cool boss.
I am like Tina Fey, okay?
116
00:05:03,385 --> 00:05:05,638
I am down with you borrowing
a little extra cashish
117
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,097
in an emergency.
118
00:05:07,389 --> 00:05:10,851
Oh. Okay, thanks.
119
00:05:11,143 --> 00:05:13,521
You just pocket that change
120
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,774
because I probably would have
blown it on rent or groceries.
121
00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,276
We got pizza,
we got SportsCenter,
122
00:05:19,568 --> 00:05:21,153
and not to go out
on a limb here,
123
00:05:21,445 --> 00:05:22,947
but that was
some dec lovemaking,
124
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:24,782
if I do say so myself.
125
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,408
Am I right?
Yeah, totally.
126
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:27,868
It was really, really fine.
127
00:05:30,996 --> 00:05:35,125
So, uh, what's up
with all the lacrosse stuft?
128
00:05:35,417 --> 00:05:37,294
I'm a Division III
women's lacrosse coach.
129
00:05:37,586 --> 00:05:38,838
Then why do you waitress?
130
00:05:39,129 --> 00:05:41,298
I'm a Division III
women's lacrosse coach.
131
00:05:41,590 --> 00:05:43,384
Right.
132
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,845
Cool.
133
00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:50,474
When you said
the lovemaking was fine,
134
00:05:50,766 --> 00:05:54,228
did you mean just fine,
or did you mean like '90s fine?
135
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,605
Like "Girl, you so fine."
136
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,987
Um, you know, it was good.
I just was hoping next time
137
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,866
we could be
a little more adventurous.
138
00:06:07,157 --> 00:06:09,785
I mean, haven't you
ever had any fantasies?
139
00:06:10,077 --> 00:06:12,079
Um...
140
00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:14,623
Well, I have always fantasized
141
00:06:14,915 --> 00:06:16,876
about doing it
under a waterfall.
142
00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:19,587
Or maybe in the woods,
or maybe in a room
143
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:21,505
surrounded by
thousands of candles,
144
00:06:21,797 --> 00:06:24,884
white, shrouded curtains blowing
in from the wind outside.
145
00:06:25,175 --> 00:06:28,220
So you wanna have sex like
you're in a Color Me Badd video.
146
00:06:28,512 --> 00:06:29,889
Kind of.
147
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:34,560
Maybe we can play
Color Me Badd in the background
148
00:06:34,852 --> 00:06:35,936
while we make our own video.
149
00:06:36,228 --> 00:06:37,980
Like a Color Me Badd
tribute video.
150
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:40,232
Oh, you mean a sex tape.
Yeah.
151
00:06:40,524 --> 00:06:42,776
That makes so much more sense.
152
00:06:43,068 --> 00:06:44,862
Yeah.
153
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:47,948
Penny keeps pocket-dialing me
from her new phone.
154
00:06:55,205 --> 00:06:57,166
It's okay.
155
00:07:00,794 --> 00:07:03,881
Oh, that's terrifying.
Yet it's all I wanna listen to.
156
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:07,134
So graduation Sunday
is gearing up
157
00:07:07,426 --> 00:07:10,220
to be quite the fun day.
Ha, ha, ha.
158
00:07:10,512 --> 00:07:13,724
Can't wait for our new readers
to show off their skills.
159
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:16,560
Food. Lauren, I have you down
for three quiches.
160
00:07:16,852 --> 00:07:18,812
Barbara, two quiches,
and Keisha, two hams.
161
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:23,442
I know, it's hilarious.
But, uh, all jokes aside,
162
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:27,529
we're counting on those hams.
Ladies, let's all thank Jane
163
00:07:27,821 --> 00:07:31,033
for her tireless planning
and hard work.
164
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:32,826
- To Jane.
- To Jane.
165
00:07:33,118 --> 00:07:34,495
Oh, well, I do my best.
166
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,456
Hi, ladies.
Oh, who's this?
167
00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:41,251
Ahem. That's Alex, my sister.
What you doing here, Al?
168
00:07:41,543 --> 00:07:43,087
I was in the middle
of my mani-pedi
169
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:45,381
and I realized,
"What am I doing with my time?"
170
00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:47,257
So I went online,
and did you guys know
171
00:07:47,549 --> 00:07:49,134
two-thirds of illiterates
are women
172
00:07:49,426 --> 00:07:51,637
and 98 percent come
from developing countries
173
00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:54,640
and the word "pope" is from
"pappas," which means "father."
174
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,226
I got caught up
in a Wikipedia hole,
175
00:07:57,518 --> 00:08:00,145
and once it has you,
you can't get out. It's crazy.
176
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:05,234
So what are we doing, y'all?
"Y'all"?
177
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:06,735
We were just planning
178
00:08:07,027 --> 00:08:10,072
our graduation event
for our new readers.
179
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,157
How fun. I had a thought
on that too.
180
00:08:12,449 --> 00:08:16,954
What if we served sugar cookies
in the shape of letters?
181
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:18,288
What do you think?
182
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:20,124
No, I don't...
183
00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:22,167
That's a genius idea.
184
00:08:22,459 --> 00:08:23,419
Yes.
185
00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:26,588
Yes, genius.
Thank you.
186
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:35,514
It's happening again, Brad.
Alex swoops in
187
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:38,809
and everyone falls all over
themselves because she says:
188
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:41,770
"Oh, hey, I'll make cookies
in the shapes of letters."
189
00:08:42,062 --> 00:08:43,522
That's genius.
Genius? Really?
190
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:46,150
Come on, you're making
too big a deal of this.
191
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:49,695
Everybody knows your hard work
means more than her cookies.
192
00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:51,613
Save me a "B."
They're the best.
193
00:08:51,905 --> 00:08:54,700
They all taste the same.
The "B" is for my name.
194
00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:56,535
Okay.
195
00:08:59,329 --> 00:09:00,706
I thought
we were going to lunch.
196
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:01,415
Why aren't you dressed?
197
00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:05,252
Penny didn't turn her phone off.
What do you mean?
198
00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,420
I've been listening
to her insane life.
199
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:10,382
I've heard her flirt her way
out of a parking ticket,
200
00:09:10,674 --> 00:09:12,509
flirt her way into a date
with an allergist
201
00:09:12,801 --> 00:09:15,721
and have an awkward standoff
with a quart of Cherry Garcia.
202
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:19,058
It's the best new reality show,
Project Penny.
203
00:09:19,349 --> 00:09:20,851
Dude, that is so wrong.
I know.
204
00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:22,436
It's also insanely addictive.
205
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,397
And the supporting cast
is unbelievable.
206
00:09:25,689 --> 00:09:27,441
The new fiery
Latin assistant, Rita,
207
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,276
loyal employee or crazy grifter?
208
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:31,111
You be the judge.
She's with her now.
209
00:09:31,403 --> 00:09:33,739
You wanna take off for Ramadan?
210
00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,700
There can't be Muslim Mexicans?
There can.
211
00:09:36,992 --> 00:09:39,203
It's just you also
left early yesterday
212
00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:41,872
for the christening
of your nephew, Jesus Morales.
213
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,208
Okay, I'm in.
Yeah.
214
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,920
High fives.
No. All right.
215
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:51,006
Can I get you a towel
for the free-throw line?
216
00:09:51,298 --> 00:09:53,133
Yeah, Drippy Longstocking.
Excuse me?
217
00:09:53,425 --> 00:09:55,552
I can do better.
I gotta get in shape quick.
218
00:09:55,844 --> 00:09:57,679
The waitress
wants to make a sex tape.
219
00:09:57,971 --> 00:10:00,349
That is an awesome... Bad idea.
I know!
220
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,393
You're not good on camera.
Remember journalism class?
221
00:10:03,685 --> 00:10:07,147
And in sports,
the Cubs played the, uh, San...
222
00:10:07,439 --> 00:10:09,691
Touchdown... Could I get...?
Could I get a sandwich?
223
00:10:09,983 --> 00:10:12,236
I've been on camera
plenty of times since then.
224
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:15,405
Uh, Bull's game, '05, KissCam.
Nailed it.
225
00:10:15,697 --> 00:10:17,991
If you're gonna do
this tape, couple things:
226
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:20,452
One, make sure she shoots you
from the right side.
227
00:10:20,744 --> 00:10:22,412
From the left,
you look like a troll.
228
00:10:22,704 --> 00:10:24,581
Huh?
Get a tan. You're pretty white.
229
00:10:24,873 --> 00:10:25,916
You're like Tilda Swinton.
230
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,168
Three, I was serious
about that troll thing,
231
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,379
and not like a cute doll
with the hair troll.
232
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,090
Like "I distract you
and steal your baby" troll.
233
00:10:33,382 --> 00:10:35,801
Yeah. Ew.
Look at it from, like, there.
234
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:37,678
There, it's fine.
Oh, that's fine.
235
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,012
And then there, Ooh, jeez.
236
00:10:39,304 --> 00:10:40,722
"Tizzly... Tizzly tip..."
237
00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:44,977
"Tizzle-Top-Tufted Mazurka."
Top, Mazurka.
238
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,855
My bad. I shouldn't have picked
a book with made-up words.
239
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,231
Yeah.
Sorry.
240
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:52,151
Hi. I'm Alex,
Jane's sister.
241
00:10:52,442 --> 00:10:53,694
Hi, I'm Paul.
Nice to meet you.
242
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,654
Nice to meet you.
Okay, so I gotta run.
243
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,239
So I will see you at graduation?
244
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,616
Yes. See you then.
Ah.
245
00:10:59,908 --> 00:11:04,371
That is not how you spell "see"
or "you." Okay, bye, Paul.
246
00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:07,166
Okay.
Can I borrow your mixer?
247
00:11:07,457 --> 00:11:10,210
Well, you know, you might wanna
hold off on the cookies, Al.
248
00:11:10,502 --> 00:11:12,462
After you left,
the women were talking
249
00:11:12,754 --> 00:11:14,840
and they weren't
really into the idea.
250
00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,593
I thought they loved it.
Yeah, but I guess they thought
251
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,179
they could be confusing
to the students too.
252
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:22,639
Is the cookie a lowercase "L"?
Is it a capital "I"?
253
00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:26,018
Something like that
could really set them back.
254
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,645
We can put thingies
on the I's to clarify.
255
00:11:28,937 --> 00:11:31,607
I don't think this is
a serif issue, Al.
256
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:34,067
I tried to talk to them,
but they were...
257
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:36,278
They were really firm
on this one.
258
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,988
Wow.
259
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,865
Maybe I just won't
come at all, then.
260
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:43,118
Ooh, that's a bummer,
but I totally get it.
261
00:11:43,410 --> 00:11:44,953
You gotta do you.
262
00:11:45,245 --> 00:11:46,830
I can't believe
we made a sex tape.
263
00:11:47,122 --> 00:11:48,832
I know.
You wanna watch it?
264
00:11:49,124 --> 00:11:51,084
Already?
Yeah, pop it in.
265
00:11:51,376 --> 00:11:52,336
Okay.
266
00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,176
Oh, look, it's me.
267
00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:01,595
I love how you're coming at me,
all confident. Super cute.
268
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,890
- Thank you.
- But this is where
269
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,350
it all starts to fall apart.
270
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,810
Your first kiss
is a little sloppy.
271
00:12:09,102 --> 00:12:11,772
You're all over the face,
because your balance is off.
272
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:15,984
It's a core strength
issue. See?
273
00:12:16,276 --> 00:12:18,987
Let's jump ahead to the last
two minutes, shall we?
274
00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:20,781
You have got
a ton of raw ability,
275
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:22,324
but your fundamentals are off.
276
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:24,701
It affects your footwork,
your rhythm.
277
00:12:24,993 --> 00:12:26,245
What's happening?
278
00:12:26,536 --> 00:12:28,080
By the time you get
into the red zone,
279
00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:30,415
you're exhausted and
barely paying attention
280
00:12:30,707 --> 00:12:32,000
to what the other team is doing.
281
00:12:32,292 --> 00:12:34,836
Boom, you miss a major
scoring opportunity.
282
00:12:35,128 --> 00:12:36,713
Hmm.
283
00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:41,843
Ree-Ree, that liquor
company we did that event for
284
00:12:42,135 --> 00:12:44,096
sent over vodka.
Want one?
285
00:12:44,388 --> 00:12:46,765
Way ahead of you.
I already grabbed a couple.
286
00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:49,184
Wanna try some?
I'm all set.
287
00:12:49,476 --> 00:12:50,602
It's good stuff.
288
00:12:50,894 --> 00:12:52,312
It's noon.
289
00:12:52,604 --> 00:12:54,022
Ooh.
This is bad, man.
290
00:12:54,314 --> 00:12:56,149
The cool boss thing's
not working for her.
291
00:12:56,441 --> 00:12:58,986
Ree-Ree's taking advantage.
We've gotta text Penny.
292
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,029
We can't. She'll know
we've been spying.
293
00:13:01,321 --> 00:13:03,782
If we step in, we're no better
than other reality shows.
294
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:06,076
We gotta respect
the documentarian's code.
295
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,704
So this code you can't break,
but the "don't apply
296
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,039
for a boat license in my name"
code is fair game?
297
00:13:11,331 --> 00:13:13,583
How am I to rent a boat
using your credit card?
298
00:13:17,462 --> 00:13:21,425
Alex, hi, good to see you.
Good to see me, Barbara?
299
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,552
If that's even your real name?
Excuse me?
300
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:26,305
I can't believe you. I come
here excited to help people
301
00:13:26,596 --> 00:13:28,181
and then you pretend
to like my ideas,
302
00:13:28,473 --> 00:13:30,225
and as soon as I leave,
you call them dumb.
303
00:13:30,517 --> 00:13:32,436
Alex, no one said that.
We were all sad
304
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:36,064
when Jane told us you'd be out
of town for graduation at Epcot.
305
00:13:36,356 --> 00:13:38,150
Time to frost
the letter cookies.
306
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:41,653
Okay, I have A, E, l...
307
00:13:41,945 --> 00:13:43,822
Oh, you.
308
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:48,994
Why would you lie to me,
309
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:51,079
and why would you say
I went to Epcot?
310
00:13:51,371 --> 00:13:53,206
That is so weirdly specific.
I panicked.
311
00:13:53,498 --> 00:13:55,709
Okay, look, Al, I am not
proud of my behavior.
312
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,711
I know that it's petty.
313
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:02,007
It's just I work really hard
for a long time on something,
314
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:05,344
it's my thing. Then you
swoop in at the last second
315
00:14:05,635 --> 00:14:08,221
and steal all the attention
and everyone goes, "Ooh."
316
00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:11,725
No idea what you're talking
about, but I'm out of here.
317
00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:15,771
- Oh.
- Ooh.
318
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,065
She broke your sex tape down
like game film?
319
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,233
Yeah, and wasn't
complimentary, either.
320
00:14:20,525 --> 00:14:22,527
She's a coach.
It's constructive criticism.
321
00:14:22,819 --> 00:14:23,695
Fact: Last year,
Rockford University's
322
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:27,324
women's lacrosse team, 3 and 27.
323
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:28,742
This year, 29 and 1.
324
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,536
Only difference, new coach,
Kim Groff.
325
00:14:31,828 --> 00:14:34,831
She's a winner, dude.
What, I can't Google your lady?
326
00:14:35,123 --> 00:14:37,459
It sort of sucks,
because she's kind of awesome.
327
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,628
She has one little foible.
Foible?
328
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,088
Maybe it'll be a positive.
329
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,548
We can all stand to learn
a bit more
330
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,842
about the bathing suit area.
By "we all,"
331
00:14:46,134 --> 00:14:48,053
I mean you guys,
because I'm gifted.
332
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:49,471
Get back on the horse.
333
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,640
The greats don't quit
after one bad day.
334
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:55,560
Did Babe Ruth quit after
his sex tape was criticized?
335
00:14:55,852 --> 00:14:58,230
No, he went right out
and made another sex tape.
336
00:14:58,522 --> 00:15:00,190
Hmm.
337
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:02,275
That guest list
was supposed to be sent
338
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:04,486
over two hours ago.
339
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:05,737
I am so sorry.
Could you please hold?
340
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:09,324
Rita, where have you been?
I'm slammed.
341
00:15:09,616 --> 00:15:12,202
I had a family emergency.
At the mall?
342
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,579
I'll call you back.
We gotta talk.
343
00:15:14,871 --> 00:15:17,916
You're taking advantage of me
because I'm the cool boss.
344
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,710
Oh, I get it.
This is because I'm Mexican.
345
00:15:21,002 --> 00:15:22,170
No, this is just...
346
00:15:22,462 --> 00:15:24,297
In a work environment,
we both have roles.
347
00:15:24,589 --> 00:15:26,133
Face it, Pee-Pee,
you're a racist.
348
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,760
What? I can't believe...
Wow.
349
00:15:29,052 --> 00:15:30,762
Rita's going
to the white-guilt angle.
350
00:15:31,054 --> 00:15:32,973
Took me years
to do that with you guys.
351
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:37,144
By the way, can I have your TV?
You know, slavery and whatnot.
352
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:38,895
I am so not a racist.
353
00:15:39,187 --> 00:15:41,606
The first guy
who felt me up was a Guatemalan.
354
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:44,067
Next you'll be telling me
you're not a racist
355
00:15:44,359 --> 00:15:46,570
because you have a black friend.
356
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,905
But I do. I do.
357
00:15:49,197 --> 00:15:50,574
We gotta do something.
358
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:52,993
I love Project Penny,
but this has gone too far.
359
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:54,828
Ree-Ree's making
Pee-Pee cra-cra.
360
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,705
It's time for her
to go downtown.
361
00:15:56,997 --> 00:16:00,125
No. Uh-uh.
You say the words regular.
362
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:02,085
I didn't think
I'd be seeing you again.
363
00:16:02,377 --> 00:16:05,964
Why, because I was intimidated?
Because I wasn't.
364
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:07,215
Let's get physical.
365
00:16:07,507 --> 00:16:08,925
Pop that tape in again,
would you?
366
00:16:09,217 --> 00:16:10,177
Ooh. Okay.
367
00:16:15,056 --> 00:16:17,476
Wow. I did not realize
my calves were so defined,
368
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:18,894
and that is not me.
369
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,438
Oops, wrong Dave.
370
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:22,814
But while I have it up,
371
00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:24,858
you could learn
something from this guy.
372
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:26,943
See, he's got
an unorthodox wide stance,
373
00:16:27,235 --> 00:16:28,904
but that's where
his power comes from.
374
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:31,781
Oh, you know who
you should check out? Mm.
375
00:16:32,073 --> 00:16:35,994
Jason, fall 2008.
We were in a pile of leaves,
376
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:37,871
so it's kind of hard to see it,
but...
377
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,623
And I'm out.
378
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,541
Rita?
379
00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:43,543
Too brown.
Rita.
380
00:16:44,961 --> 00:16:46,296
Rita?
Hmm?
381
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:49,758
Ha, ha, ha.
Rita. Rita, Rita, Rita.
382
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,427
We know you've been taking
advantage of Penny Hartz.
383
00:16:52,719 --> 00:16:54,262
Who are you?
Company security.
384
00:16:54,554 --> 00:16:57,098
I'm Senior Agent Maxfeld,
this is Junior Agent Bradson.
385
00:16:57,390 --> 00:17:00,143
We're equal. It's political.
His dad owns the company, so...
386
00:17:00,435 --> 00:17:02,103
I think I've earned it
on my own merits.
387
00:17:02,395 --> 00:17:04,356
Plus, it's been harder
because of my father.
388
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:08,610
Debatable. We have evidence
of criminal misconduct.
389
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:11,154
We got cameras, everywhere.
390
00:17:11,446 --> 00:17:12,614
That stapler on your desk,
391
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:14,783
not a camera.
Boom, keeping you guessing.
392
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:16,618
Where are the cameras?
Everywhere.
393
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,245
I'll do anything you want.
394
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,872
I'll give back all the money
I stole from the company.
395
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:24,292
Uh... Yeah, yeah.
Uh, mon... Give back the money.
396
00:17:24,584 --> 00:17:27,379
Definitely do that.
But before you do that,
397
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:29,381
we need you to do
something else too.
398
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,509
I was wrong.
You're not a racist.
399
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,886
You have Nelson Mandela's heart
and Michelle Obama's arms.
400
00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:37,013
Oh. Heh.
401
00:17:37,305 --> 00:17:39,683
But I'll have to quit.
What? Why?
402
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:41,059
I don't deserve you.
403
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,353
Neither does that allergist
you're dating.
404
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:46,523
You're right.
You're the coolest boss ever.
405
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,650
- Thank you.
- Goodbye, Pee-Pee.
406
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:49,901
Bye, Ree-Ree.
407
00:17:59,202 --> 00:18:01,663
Okay, I gotta ask you something.
408
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:03,707
Yes, sometimes
you like to make yourself
409
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:04,958
the center of attention.
410
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,376
What? How did you know that?
411
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,712
Alex, I've known you
for a long time.
412
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,589
I know how you think.
Really?
413
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,425
Of course not. I talked to Jane.
If I knew how you thought,
414
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:16,636
I'd understand why
you bought me this apron.
415
00:18:16,928 --> 00:18:18,972
Says, "King of the Grill-A."
I read the apron.
416
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,558
Do I really do that?
Do I steal attention?
417
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:25,353
After our wedding, no one
was talking about the flowers.
418
00:18:25,645 --> 00:18:29,190
Okay, look, I'm sure
deep down Jane knows
419
00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:31,901
you don't intentionally
try to steal focus.
420
00:18:32,193 --> 00:18:33,737
Doesn't mean
it hurts her any less.
421
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,406
Yeah.
422
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,116
The word "grill"
is in "gorilla."
423
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:40,577
That's the point.
Shh.
424
00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:44,205
"Mr. Mittens realized
the black cat chasing him"...
425
00:18:44,497 --> 00:18:45,582
Seriously, another "Q"?
426
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,542
How many Quentins
are they expecting?
427
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,836
..."And his new best friend."
428
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:54,257
That was great, Ellen.
Thank you.
429
00:18:54,549 --> 00:18:56,468
Is that a library book?
No.
430
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,011
Speaking of library books,
431
00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:00,930
what is the deal
with library fines, huh?
432
00:19:01,222 --> 00:19:03,058
I'd rather have Ralph Fiennes,
right?
433
00:19:09,981 --> 00:19:12,484
Next up we have Paul Petley
434
00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:14,819
reading if I Ran the Zoo
by Dr. Seuss.
435
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:21,451
What if it were written
by Dr. Dre instead?
436
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,746
Wouldn't be Hooked on Phonics,
it'd be Hooked on Chronic.
437
00:19:28,583 --> 00:19:29,918
Come on.
438
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:33,838
All right, Paul Petley,
everyone. Okay.
439
00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:37,884
Actually, I'm not gonna be
reading if I Ran the Zoo now.
440
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:41,012
Instead, I'm gonna be reading
a very special letter.
441
00:19:43,264 --> 00:19:46,601
"Dear Jane,
you are an amazing person.
442
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:51,564
"I want to be you.
I used to go into your closet
443
00:19:51,856 --> 00:19:54,317
when you weren't around
and put on your clothes."
444
00:19:54,609 --> 00:19:56,736
Alrighty.
"You're my sister
445
00:19:57,028 --> 00:20:00,031
"and I never meant
to steal your spotlight.
446
00:20:00,323 --> 00:20:01,616
"You set such a high standard.
447
00:20:01,908 --> 00:20:04,619
"I've spent my whole life
trying to keep up.
448
00:20:04,911 --> 00:20:08,039
"You are an extra"...
"Extra"... "Extraor"...
449
00:20:12,293 --> 00:20:15,839
"Extraordinary person
450
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,425
and the best sister ever.
I love you."
451
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:24,139
I am so sorry.
I feel like an idiot.
452
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:26,725
It's just, I don't know,
sometimes I wanna be the one
453
00:20:27,016 --> 00:20:30,019
that comes in
and makes everyone laugh.
454
00:20:30,311 --> 00:20:32,313
I never should have
excluded you.
455
00:20:32,605 --> 00:20:35,650
It's okay.
456
00:20:35,942 --> 00:20:39,779
Honestly, I'm not
interested in any of this anyway.
457
00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:41,698
Okay, we can
talk about that later.
458
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:43,241
Thanks.
459
00:20:44,659 --> 00:20:46,870
- Ah, yeah.
- Thank you.
460
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:48,121
Thank you.
461
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:00,675
Whoa, hey.
What's your name?
462
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:02,844
Kevin.
Hm.
463
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:06,055
Then why are you, uh, taking
the last "B" cookie, Kevin?
464
00:21:06,347 --> 00:21:08,516
I'm Brad, and that's my cookie.
Give me that.
465
00:21:11,811 --> 00:21:12,896
Mm.
466
00:21:14,981 --> 00:21:17,275
You should try one of these.
467
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,360
Not today, though.
468
00:21:21,070 --> 00:21:23,907
Mm.
469
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:25,200
What?
470
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,868
Come on, we'll split it.
35955
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