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1
00:00:01,584 --> 00:00:04,212
Look at our little
Dave Rose making friends.
2
00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:06,672
Five bucks he's telling her about
the time he ran across Michigan Ave.
3
00:00:06,964 --> 00:00:09,217
- To save that puppy.
- No way.
4
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:12,178
He's telling the story
where he picked up that fumble
5
00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:13,846
and ran it back for a touchdown.
6
00:00:14,138 --> 00:00:17,517
And boom! Football.
There it is. Pay up, player.
7
00:00:17,808 --> 00:00:20,895
Hold up.
That's a puppy dog.
8
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,897
Oh! Let's hope
it was a football
9
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,900
or else we have not heard the
complete story about the puppy.
10
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,069
Whoa.
That girl's super into you.
11
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:30,029
I know.
She even liked my re-enactment
12
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:32,156
of the first scene
of Temple of Doom.
13
00:00:32,448 --> 00:00:34,659
Ah, of course.
It's the go-to move.
14
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:37,119
Oh, hey, uh, guys,
this is Andrea.
15
00:00:37,411 --> 00:00:38,621
Actually, it's Andrea.
16
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:39,872
Andrea.
Andrea.
17
00:00:40,164 --> 00:00:41,624
Andrea.
Andrea.
18
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:42,959
Okay. ha, ha.
19
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:46,045
I am Max. This is Brad.
You know Dave.
20
00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:49,257
Ha, ha.
Your friends are so funny.
21
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,050
I'm gonna grab my purse.
Okay.
22
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,052
Don't go anywhere. Boop.
23
00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:56,055
Ha, ha.
24
00:00:56,347 --> 00:00:58,849
I mean, she's totally lame,
but super hot, right?
25
00:00:59,141 --> 00:01:01,852
You should boop that.
Not ready for a relationship.
26
00:01:02,144 --> 00:01:04,522
No one's talking
about a relationship.
27
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,692
I'm talking taking fedora home,
doing stuff and never calling.
28
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,151
- I'm back!
- Oh.
29
00:01:09,443 --> 00:01:11,028
You are a gosh darn delight.
30
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:15,283
Dave, let's get out of here.
Um...
31
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,076
Okay.
Yeah. Okay, boop!
32
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:23,457
I do not understand people that
express themselves through touching.
33
00:01:23,749 --> 00:01:27,003
I know, right?
All right, I'm out.
34
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,466
Ah! Stop!
35
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:35,011
You can't touch this.
You can't touch this.
36
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,846
Oh.
Oh.
37
00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:38,431
I'll see you, buddy.
38
00:01:55,239 --> 00:01:56,449
What the hell?
39
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:02,955
Give me that.
40
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:06,917
What? I could use
extra cash for the store
41
00:02:07,209 --> 00:02:09,086
and decided a roommate
might be a good idea.
42
00:02:09,378 --> 00:02:11,255
Trying to get sold
into white slavery?
43
00:02:11,547 --> 00:02:12,757
It's a cute picture.
44
00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:14,467
Oh, my God, is that side boob?
45
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,719
Oh, my God... No, no, no.
It's just leaves.
46
00:02:17,011 --> 00:02:18,888
Whatever. I'll find
someone cool and fun,
47
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:20,973
and it'll be okay.
48
00:02:21,265 --> 00:02:24,602
Honey,
this is a big decision, okay?
49
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,980
You have a terrible habit
of seeing the good in people.
50
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:29,523
I'm not sure that's bad.
51
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:32,652
You're not the best
judge of character.
52
00:02:32,943 --> 00:02:35,071
That's crazy.
Babe, this is Zane.
53
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:36,739
He just moved into the building.
54
00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,991
He's introducing himself
to the neighbors.
55
00:02:39,283 --> 00:02:41,744
Legally, I have to.
56
00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:43,746
Would you like me to help you?
57
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:45,665
Jane, I can handle this.
58
00:02:45,956 --> 00:02:47,291
I could make one... Jane!
59
00:02:47,583 --> 00:02:49,377
Okay.
60
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:52,505
Dude. Stop him.
Stop. Dude!
61
00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:56,008
No football. Come on.
Let's go to the farmer's market.
62
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,886
There's a show at Chew La La
and then we can brunch it up.
63
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:02,848
Know what sounds more fun?
Watching Schindler's List.
64
00:03:03,140 --> 00:03:04,684
You're the worst
gay husband ever.
65
00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:07,103
I don't see no ring
on this finger.
66
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,647
What's Jane doing?
She's relaxing.
67
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,107
Just a pitch.
68
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,858
Wouldn't it be easier
to find these
69
00:03:13,150 --> 00:03:15,611
in the shelving section?
I know what you're thinking.
70
00:03:15,903 --> 00:03:18,322
Is this woman questioning
the organization of a store
71
00:03:18,614 --> 00:03:22,284
whose sole purpose is
to help people organize? Yes.
72
00:03:22,576 --> 00:03:23,536
Fine.
73
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,956
Stupid football.
Whoo!
74
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:30,334
Raise your hand
if you got laid last night.
75
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:31,669
Really?
Yeah.
76
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,838
Jane gets horny
when we use our pizza stone.
77
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,298
I slept with my allergist.
College student.
78
00:03:36,590 --> 00:03:40,177
I'm not gonna lie. You guys
are stealing my thunder.
79
00:03:40,469 --> 00:03:42,722
No, Dave. Good for you.
Are you gonna see her again?
80
00:03:43,013 --> 00:03:45,182
I don't know.
She wore a fedora in bed.
81
00:03:45,474 --> 00:03:47,017
Ew.
I probably should call her.
82
00:03:47,309 --> 00:03:49,311
No.
That is breaking the first rule
83
00:03:49,603 --> 00:03:52,273
of one night stands.
I don't wanna be a bad guy.
84
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,233
So I'm just gonna
give her a call.
85
00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:56,777
- Don't do it.
- I wouldn't call her.
86
00:03:57,069 --> 00:03:59,447
She'll pick up.
Oh, hey. Andrea.
87
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,741
There it is.
Andrea. Sorry.
88
00:04:02,032 --> 00:04:06,287
I was just calling to say
thank you for last night, it...
89
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,164
Breakfast?
No.
90
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:10,249
Um, okay, sure.
91
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,419
- I can be there in 15 minutes.
- No.
92
00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:16,005
Guys, relax. It's just an hour.
I'll be back.
93
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,799
We'll be watching football
and drinking heavily.
94
00:04:26,932 --> 00:04:28,476
Whoa!
95
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,978
Dave, where have you been?
Guys, it's all a blur.
96
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:33,814
We went to eat crepes
which led to a walk by the lake.
97
00:04:34,106 --> 00:04:36,942
After that, we went to
her apartment to feed her bird.
98
00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:39,320
That's right, guys.
She's got a bird.
99
00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:42,239
Then we watched dance videos
from high school through college
100
00:04:42,531 --> 00:04:44,909
because she's auditioning
for Keisha's world tour.
101
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,827
- Kesha.
- Kesha.
102
00:04:47,119 --> 00:04:49,288
Then we went to the museum,
where she convinced me
103
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,041
to buy a joint membership
because you get free parking.
104
00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:54,960
Damn, Dave.
You are stuck in "chicksand."
105
00:04:55,252 --> 00:04:57,004
What is that?
It's, uh...
106
00:04:57,296 --> 00:05:00,090
It's quicksand except I replaced
the "quick" with "chick."
107
00:05:00,382 --> 00:05:03,135
You're better than that.
What am I gonna do?
108
00:05:03,427 --> 00:05:06,806
If you don't wanna see her,
tell her. Have the conversation.
109
00:05:07,097 --> 00:05:09,850
No! No. Conversation sucks.
Yeah, right. No.
110
00:05:10,142 --> 00:05:11,477
No. You're right.
I am an adult
111
00:05:11,769 --> 00:05:13,938
and I'm gonna handle this
like an adult.
112
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,273
I'm gonna take a shower
and march down there,
113
00:05:16,565 --> 00:05:18,484
and we're gonna have
a conversation.
114
00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:20,820
I see how you got
"chicksand."
115
00:05:21,111 --> 00:05:22,154
You're an idiot.
116
00:05:22,446 --> 00:05:24,615
Ha, ha.
I love veal.
117
00:05:26,408 --> 00:05:29,245
Guys, hey.
This is Samantha.
118
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:30,704
She might be my new roommate.
119
00:05:30,996 --> 00:05:32,456
- Hey!
- We'll be in touch.
120
00:05:32,748 --> 00:05:35,668
Yes. Bye.
Okay, great. Bye.
121
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,212
Doesn't she seem great?
Her hair is amazing.
122
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:41,882
Yeah. Does her hair have
a social security number?
123
00:05:42,174 --> 00:05:44,385
How about her references?
How much does she make?
124
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:45,928
What do you know about her?
125
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,347
She likes vampire books.
And Beyoncé.
126
00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:51,642
I have a 13-year-old cousin
that's running away.
127
00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,644
Maybe he'd make
a good roommate for you.
128
00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:54,353
Okay.
129
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,356
We'll have to hang out
with who you choose.
130
00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:58,941
Why don't you pick someone fun?
131
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:01,569
Like a fighter pilot.
Or Scottie Pippen.
132
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,904
Oh, you know who you should get
is a real gay guy.
133
00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:05,281
- Whoa.
- Come on.
134
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,283
You're a straight dude
who likes dudes.
135
00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,035
I want a gay who will watch
house-flipping shows with me
136
00:06:10,327 --> 00:06:11,787
and grab my boobs
in a platonic way.
137
00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:13,747
You want a flamboyant,
138
00:06:14,039 --> 00:06:16,292
cartoonish Sex in the City
gay? That's offensive.
139
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,168
The heart wants
what the heart wants.
140
00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:20,004
You only ever lived
with Dave and me.
141
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:21,547
A lot goes into this decision.
142
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,841
I didn't think of all that.
143
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,467
But I did.
144
00:06:25,759 --> 00:06:27,469
And judging people
comes so easy for me.
145
00:06:27,761 --> 00:06:30,431
Which is why
you should let me help you.
146
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:34,018
Okay, fine. You can help.
But you're not gonna come in
147
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,811
and take over
and get all Jane on me.
148
00:06:36,103 --> 00:06:38,022
Of course not.
149
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,316
I've got some
great roommate choices.
150
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:43,694
Like Becca. She's a marine
biologist and notary public,
151
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:45,946
which means she can
teach you about plankton
152
00:06:46,238 --> 00:06:49,241
and witness the signing
of documents.
153
00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:51,619
Sounds like such fun.
154
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,662
But I can't do this
right now, Jane.
155
00:06:53,954 --> 00:06:55,664
Okay, okay.
How about Jessica.
156
00:06:55,956 --> 00:06:57,875
I mean, she's an agoraphobic
and a vegan,
157
00:06:58,167 --> 00:06:59,960
which means
she will never leave her room
158
00:07:00,252 --> 00:07:02,630
or eat your cheese.
You love your cheese...
159
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,049
What do you guys think
of this dress?
160
00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:07,843
And no one cares.
Yo, Penny.
161
00:07:08,135 --> 00:07:11,013
Girl, that dress looks delish.
162
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,933
What? Things that make you
go hm. Ha, ha. Hi.
163
00:07:14,224 --> 00:07:16,393
Gracias.
Max, who is this fine man?
164
00:07:16,685 --> 00:07:18,437
Penny,
I'd like you to meet Derek.
165
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,189
We played on
a gay softball team.
166
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:21,774
Thought you might get along.
167
00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:24,860
P.S., four balls
isn't just a walk, it's a party.
168
00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:26,820
What? Drama!
Aah!
169
00:07:27,112 --> 00:07:29,031
Can I touch your tatas?
Get in there.
170
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,991
Ah! I feel like
I've known you so long.
171
00:07:31,283 --> 00:07:32,785
Ah! Oh, my God.
I already miss you.
172
00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:35,120
Are we in a fight? No.
I'll get you accessories.
173
00:07:35,412 --> 00:07:36,830
Get out of here.
See you soon.
174
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:41,919
Gay enough for you?
Slut! Help me out of this split.
175
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,213
He's the gay of my dreams.
176
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,465
Is Dave still meeting us?
I don't know.
177
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:49,343
I haven't seen him
since he went to have
178
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,012
that conversation
with Andrea two days ago.
179
00:07:55,849 --> 00:07:57,518
Oh.
180
00:07:59,019 --> 00:08:01,730
What is he wearing on his head?
181
00:08:02,022 --> 00:08:03,023
Bye, Mumu.
182
00:08:03,315 --> 00:08:06,235
Au revoir, doodlebug.
Ha, ha.
183
00:08:07,903 --> 00:08:10,239
Guys, I'm in serious trouble.
184
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:12,950
Oh, what happened, Mumu?
185
00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:15,244
I went to have the conversation,
186
00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:18,080
but before I could, she
launched into this whole thing
187
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,541
about how great it is
to finally meet a good guy.
188
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,876
And how her last boyfriend
stole from her dad
189
00:08:23,168 --> 00:08:26,046
and had sex with her cousins.
So I couldn't do it.
190
00:08:26,338 --> 00:08:28,966
You're missing the point...
Rich dad and slutty cousins.
191
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:30,634
Told you.
Conversation's hard.
192
00:08:30,926 --> 00:08:33,220
Guys, I've been
out of the game too long.
193
00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,180
What do I do?
Stop calling it the game.
194
00:08:35,472 --> 00:08:36,807
Go with the peter out.
195
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:39,351
I love the peter out.
Stop calling her regularly.
196
00:08:39,643 --> 00:08:42,980
Change your plans.
Never go out on a weekend.
197
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,315
In a couple of days,
things will just peter out.
198
00:08:45,607 --> 00:08:47,317
No conversation.
When you seeing her?
199
00:08:47,609 --> 00:08:49,653
Saturday.
Perfect. Text her.
200
00:08:49,945 --> 00:08:52,406
Change it to Wednesday.
The least sexy night.
201
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:58,078
I was surprised you decided
to switch plans to tonight.
202
00:08:58,370 --> 00:09:00,247
I didn't know
we were quite there yet.
203
00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:03,000
My Saturdays are getting
kind of booked, but... Wait.
204
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:06,378
- Where yet?
- Happy birthday!
205
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,674
It's your birthday.
Everybody, everybody.
206
00:09:10,966 --> 00:09:14,094
- This is Dave.
- Hi, Dave!
207
00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:16,513
Dave, this is my grandma Nellie.
208
00:09:16,805 --> 00:09:18,223
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
209
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:23,604
Boop!
210
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:25,147
I'm gonna get a Scotch.
211
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:26,440
Oh, you're so cute.
212
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:34,114
Jane, what are you doing here?
213
00:09:34,406 --> 00:09:36,200
You never got back to me
on who you liked,
214
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:37,910
so I picked the 10 best
candidates
215
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:40,245
and invited them over.
What, when?
216
00:09:40,537 --> 00:09:41,663
Right now.
Right now?
217
00:09:41,955 --> 00:09:43,624
Yep. I'm gonna
finish getting ready.
218
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,959
You shower, change.
Wear whatever you like.
219
00:09:46,251 --> 00:09:48,545
But I laid out a really cute
suggestion on your bed.
220
00:09:48,837 --> 00:09:51,340
So wear that.
221
00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:53,926
It was her birthday?
Yeah.
222
00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:56,512
She told me while we were
having sex the other night.
223
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:58,347
I thought she was
telling me to do her
224
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,140
like it was her birthday.
225
00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:01,975
You're in serious chicksand.
226
00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,644
Not a word.
I'm making it one.
227
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,730
Can't just make words.
I submitted to the dictionary.
228
00:10:07,022 --> 00:10:08,565
You hear back? Almost?
Almost.
229
00:10:08,857 --> 00:10:11,610
I need a little help.
You're fine.
230
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:14,196
I mean, you didn't go home
with her, did you?
231
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:16,323
No. Birthday sex?
Dude.
232
00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:19,576
The petering out is not working.
Apparently, I petered in.
233
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:21,578
Two and a half times.
What's the half?
234
00:10:21,870 --> 00:10:23,580
She said it was a French thing.
235
00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:26,208
Don't panic.
Crank it up a notch.
236
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,086
Make this chick realize
you are not boyfriend material.
237
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,880
I am awesome
boyfriend material, okay?
238
00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:33,298
I like long walks.
239
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:36,635
I like puddles.
Jumping in and jumping out.
240
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:38,637
I like listening
to really long stories
241
00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:40,305
about who sat next to who
at yoga.
242
00:10:40,597 --> 00:10:42,057
- I'm in trouble.
- You're not.
243
00:10:42,349 --> 00:10:43,475
Do what I say.
244
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,602
By the end of one date,
she'll break up.
245
00:10:45,894 --> 00:10:49,106
Show her you're unreliable and
cheap and weird.
246
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:52,776
Wait, dude. That sounds like
the plot of a Dane Cook movie.
247
00:10:53,068 --> 00:10:56,780
No. But it should be.
It is that awesome.
248
00:10:59,783 --> 00:11:03,120
I know. I know.
I'm so late.
249
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:04,580
I don't own a watch
250
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:07,666
because what is time anyway
but a manmade shackle?
251
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:10,878
That is almost literally
252
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:14,006
my high school yearbook quote
verbatim.
253
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,799
I hate rushing places.
Ha, ha.
254
00:11:16,091 --> 00:11:21,013
Soulmates.
Come on.
255
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:24,349
Al, this is Chelsea.
She's from New Jersey.
256
00:11:24,641 --> 00:11:27,394
She works in finance,
and she's a volunteer for NPR.
257
00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:28,729
You're from New Jersey?
258
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,981
That is totally the best
Real Housewives.
259
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:33,192
I am legitimately worried
about Danielle.
260
00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:36,862
Oh, I don't own a TV.
What do you do at night?
261
00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:38,488
I journal.
All night?
262
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:41,283
All these girls look like Jane.
Yeah.
263
00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:43,202
It's like they took
a Tory Burch store
264
00:11:43,493 --> 00:11:45,037
and emptied it
into this apartment.
265
00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:48,582
What's Tory Burch?
She's a designer. Preppy,
266
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,834
boho chic meets up...
Are you sure you're gay?
267
00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:52,085
Are you sure you're not?
268
00:11:52,377 --> 00:11:54,171
Hey, sluts.
Sluts.
269
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,924
Derek and I just came from
three farmer's markets.
270
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,926
Heirloom tomatoes
are the new beets.
271
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:00,844
What? D-R-A-M-A.
272
00:12:01,136 --> 00:12:03,972
Drama.
Drama. Right there. Veggies.
273
00:12:04,264 --> 00:12:06,934
Do I know that guy?
Oh, that's my new BFF, Derek.
274
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,269
Penny Arcade.
Help me mock this couch.
275
00:12:09,561 --> 00:12:10,854
Isn't he amazing?
276
00:12:11,146 --> 00:12:12,731
I'm happy for you,
Kathy Griffin.
277
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,943
Who's Kathy Griffin?
Okay, so you're not gay.
278
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,237
Yeah, I don't have any cash.
279
00:12:18,528 --> 00:12:21,490
And the bank just called,
a.k.a. my parents.
280
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:24,993
I maxed out my credit card
breeding boa constrictors. So...
281
00:12:25,285 --> 00:12:27,663
Stop right there.
282
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,833
I love that you can admit that.
283
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:35,545
I'm happy to pay.
Of course you'd wanna do that.
284
00:12:35,837 --> 00:12:37,965
That's great.
285
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,968
Okay, so I have the best story.
This is insanity.
286
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,512
We're at Ungo having brunch...
Snore.
287
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:46,014
Ever told a story?
I'll take it from here.
288
00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:47,557
Cut to: Cute waiter walks up.
289
00:12:47,849 --> 00:12:50,102
And Little Miss Push-up Bra
is so eager to flirt.
290
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,020
Ha-ha!
Basically, I said to him...
291
00:12:52,312 --> 00:12:54,481
She spits up her
scrambled eggs on his pants.
292
00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:56,483
What? I'm like,
"Say it, don't spray it,
293
00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,193
you stupid, clumsy bitch."
294
00:12:58,485 --> 00:12:59,736
You're such a clumsy bitch.
295
00:13:00,028 --> 00:13:03,490
You are a clumsy bitch.
Oh, my God.
296
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,450
You're right, Pen.
He is amazing.
297
00:13:05,742 --> 00:13:07,828
Yeah, yeah.
He's hilarious.
298
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,579
Al, this is Trish.
299
00:13:09,871 --> 00:13:11,915
She summitted Mt. Kilimanjaro
last year.
300
00:13:12,207 --> 00:13:16,086
They call it Kili, right?
And she makes hammocks.
301
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:17,921
So you guys
have a lot in common.
302
00:13:18,213 --> 00:13:20,757
I'm sorry, Trish.
You seem great. Really.
303
00:13:21,049 --> 00:13:22,551
But I've already
found a roommate.
304
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,136
Oh! Okay.
305
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,305
Eek. Sorry.
Thank you, Jane.
306
00:13:26,596 --> 00:13:28,015
So? Who did we choose?
307
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,267
My first choice.
Samantha with the red hair.
308
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,936
I don't understand.
I introduced you to ten girls
309
00:13:33,228 --> 00:13:34,771
who would make better roommates.
310
00:13:35,063 --> 00:13:37,107
Yeah, for you, okay?
But I want someone cool.
311
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,359
I don't care if
they look "good on paper"
312
00:13:39,651 --> 00:13:42,321
or have "great references." Or
climb "Mt. Kilimanjuju."
313
00:13:42,612 --> 00:13:44,656
Why are you putting
everything in air quotes?
314
00:13:44,948 --> 00:13:46,533
Because that's who I am,
and I'm sorry
315
00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:49,703
if I don't want to live with
any of these boring girls.
316
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:54,458
Oh.
Drama!
317
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,752
Bro, nothing is working.
318
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:59,338
I think this crazy chick
is falling in love with me.
319
00:13:59,629 --> 00:14:01,840
I do not wanna crush her.
I have recently been crushed.
320
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,385
It is not fun. What do I do?
This is what you do.
321
00:14:05,677 --> 00:14:07,387
Before she gets back
from the bathroom,
322
00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:09,598
get down and pray
the restaurant explodes.
323
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,600
Act of God?
Really, man?
324
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,310
That's the best you've got?
Aah!
325
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:14,561
Oh! Oh!
326
00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:16,688
Oh, my God!
I got the job!
327
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:19,649
I'm gonna be a backup dancer
for Kesha's European tour!
328
00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:21,568
I leave Thursday!
Oh, my God!
329
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,695
Dude, the restaurant
just exploded.
330
00:14:23,987 --> 00:14:26,698
Ah. Oh, God.
What's gonna happen to us?
331
00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:29,034
Oh, you can't think about us.
332
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,662
No, no. You just gotta
do you, you know?
333
00:14:32,954 --> 00:14:36,458
You can't separate
the dancer from the dance.
334
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:40,045
Oh, my God.
You are amazing, Mumu.
335
00:14:42,547 --> 00:14:43,507
After you, doodlebug.
336
00:14:48,678 --> 00:14:51,223
This has been the best date
I ever... Aah!
337
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:54,351
Oh, ah, Andrea?
338
00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:56,686
Are you okay? Andrea.
Andrea, are you okay?
339
00:14:59,022 --> 00:15:03,026
She got hit by a bike messenger?
Of course she did.
340
00:15:03,318 --> 00:15:06,113
Shut up. I got hit by a cop
on a Segway last Halloween. Ugh.
341
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:09,741
I was wearing nothing but
shorts and a feather green boa.
342
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:13,328
I tried to steal his hat.
Cut to: Weekend in Cabo.
343
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:15,080
Then he went back
to his "dumb wife"
344
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:17,165
because I'm fat.
Who are you again?
345
00:15:17,457 --> 00:15:19,543
Oh, that's D-Rock.
You'll love him.
346
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:21,128
Come here. Ha, ha.
347
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,171
Let me know if there's
anything I can do.
348
00:15:23,463 --> 00:15:25,132
Maybe I could call her.
349
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,384
Penny Loafer, please.
This is not about you.
350
00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:32,389
What you need, are new pants,
a couple of shake weights,
351
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:35,600
and a night out at a Russian
foam club with me, okay?
352
00:15:35,892 --> 00:15:38,478
Yeah, he literally needs
none of those things.
353
00:15:38,770 --> 00:15:40,105
Right, and there and off.
354
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:42,149
Look at the bright side.
You're out.
355
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,985
She's going to Europe Thursday.
No. She's not.
356
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,945
You can't dance
with a broken femur.
357
00:15:47,237 --> 00:15:48,238
Debatable.
358
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:50,574
Because she's gonna be in a cast
359
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:53,076
and because she lives
in a 6-story walk-up
360
00:15:53,368 --> 00:15:55,996
and I feel so bad
about what happened that...
361
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,665
She's moving in, isn't she?
362
00:15:58,957 --> 00:16:00,542
Yeah.
Drama!
363
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,919
I'm so glad
that we're roommates.
364
00:16:03,211 --> 00:16:05,380
I guarantee you none of
Jane's nerdy choices
365
00:16:05,672 --> 00:16:08,049
would've ever gotten me
this Michael Stars tank top.
366
00:16:08,341 --> 00:16:10,010
You look hot.
367
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,554
Hey, do you mind if I get
another DSL line installed
368
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,848
and maybe black out
a couple of these windows?
369
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,600
Sure. I guess.
370
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:19,811
Oh.
371
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,148
Hi, Jane.
372
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,109
If you're wondering how my new
roommate is, she's awesome.
373
00:16:26,401 --> 00:16:28,987
I called to say I'm glad
it all worked out for you
374
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,572
and I like that tank top on you.
375
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:31,990
Thanks. How do you
know what I'm wearing?
376
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:35,076
Your awesome Samantha
makes a living
377
00:16:35,368 --> 00:16:37,496
by moving in with cute girls,
setting up web cams
378
00:16:37,787 --> 00:16:40,457
and charging people to watch.
379
00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:43,543
Oh, my God. That's why
she wanted to eat popsicles
380
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:45,086
and have a cream cheese fight.
381
00:16:45,378 --> 00:16:46,630
Yeah.
That's a popular one.
382
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,590
Wait.
How did you find this?
383
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:50,217
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
384
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,093
Wait.
How did you find this?
385
00:16:52,385 --> 00:16:54,679
Uh, just a pop-up on another
thing I was looking at.
386
00:16:54,971 --> 00:16:58,642
What other thing?
Uh, a cooking...
387
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,645
Blog. Sports.
388
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,647
This is so crazy.
389
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:06,983
I mean, I thought Samantha
was a cool girl, you know.
390
00:17:07,275 --> 00:17:08,944
Is there any way
this is a mistake?
391
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:10,654
Hey, great, your sister's here.
392
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,990
You guys wanna have a pillow
fight or shave your legs?
393
00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:15,534
Do you want me to handle this?
394
00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:16,952
No.
395
00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:19,704
I think we should
do this together.
396
00:17:19,996 --> 00:17:22,040
Oh! Go, Alex.
397
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,333
Cute T tops.
398
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,335
So this just popped up
on the computer?
399
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,045
Why do people
keep asking me that?
400
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:30,840
I don't control the internet,
all right?
401
00:17:31,132 --> 00:17:33,969
Hey, Dave. How's it going?
It's going great, Pen.
402
00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:36,721
I've got a crazy girl and
a douche bird living in my room
403
00:17:37,013 --> 00:17:39,766
thanks to these two idiots.
You guys got any more advice?
404
00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:41,685
Nothing. You got
a girlfriend now.
405
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:44,688
You drowned, bro.
In chicksand.
406
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,648
I like it,
and I'm taking credit for it.
407
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:48,733
Derek wants to go
to another brunch.
408
00:17:49,025 --> 00:17:51,778
It's like how many egg-white
frittatas can a person eat?
409
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,613
Six in one sitting.
410
00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:56,575
But I thought you loved D-Rock.
I do.
411
00:17:56,866 --> 00:17:58,451
No, you know what, I don't.
412
00:17:58,743 --> 00:17:59,828
Okay, I thought I wanted
413
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,497
this offensively
stereotypical gay guy,
414
00:18:02,789 --> 00:18:03,957
but it's too much.
415
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,543
I feel like it messes
with the group dynamic.
416
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:08,587
It does, Pen.
417
00:18:08,878 --> 00:18:11,381
Because our group already has a
stereotypical gay guy.
418
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,634
Front-row tickets
to Gaga, bitches!
419
00:18:14,926 --> 00:18:17,345
My disgustingly fat
manicurist is, like,
420
00:18:17,637 --> 00:18:21,391
literally trying to kill me.
421
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:24,686
Hey, bitches. Whoo! Look
who's working the puppies today.
422
00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:27,105
You don't need a gay husband.
423
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,859
'Cause you're my gay husband.
Aw.
424
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,110
I don't really understand
how that works.
425
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,405
But it's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said.
426
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,866
You're welcome.
I gotta break up with him.
427
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,076
Move your plans.
Peter out.
428
00:18:40,368 --> 00:18:41,411
Least sexual night of the...
429
00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:43,288
Hey. Derek.
430
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:46,916
It's me. Listen, I don't think
we should be friends anymore.
431
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,336
I understand,
but it's for the best.
432
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,630
- Goodbye.
- Wow.
433
00:18:51,921 --> 00:18:54,549
The conversation really works.
Yeah, Dave, it does.
434
00:18:54,841 --> 00:18:58,720
You know what?
This ends today.
435
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:01,806
Drama!
436
00:19:02,098 --> 00:19:03,141
Hi. Andrea.
437
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:07,103
Andrea.
That's what l... Never mind.
438
00:19:07,395 --> 00:19:10,815
Listen, um, we need to
have a conversation.
439
00:19:11,107 --> 00:19:12,942
What's up?
440
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,072
Hi, mom.
441
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:18,698
What?
442
00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:20,408
Oh, my God. No!
443
00:19:21,993 --> 00:19:25,163
Mema Nellie
was such a kind soul.
444
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,290
She always carried
butterscotch candies
445
00:19:27,582 --> 00:19:28,583
for the grandkids.
446
00:19:30,877 --> 00:19:32,921
I know. I know you can do this.
447
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:34,839
No, you can, you can do it.
448
00:19:35,131 --> 00:19:36,508
Okay.
449
00:19:38,134 --> 00:19:40,428
Uh...
450
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,180
I remember one day
451
00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:44,891
when I was a little girl
in my favorite polka dot dress.
452
00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:47,352
You know what, I can't do this.
Andrea, I'm sorry,
453
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,145
but one minute
you're booping me,
454
00:19:49,437 --> 00:19:52,273
and then I'm giving the eulogy
at your grandma's funeral.
455
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,403
I'm sorry for your loss,
by the way.
456
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,530
I don't know.
I tried to peter it out,
457
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,949
and then there was
this Dane Cook thing,
458
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:03,702
but every time I tried to get
away, you'd pull me back in.
459
00:20:03,993 --> 00:20:05,912
Are you kidding?
I pulled you in?
460
00:20:06,204 --> 00:20:07,455
All I wanted was a fun hookup.
461
00:20:07,747 --> 00:20:10,709
But then you called
20 minutes after you left.
462
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,961
And yesterday,
you basically asked me
463
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,838
to move in
after a week and a half.
464
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:17,674
I don't think this is
the place to talk about this.
465
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:20,885
I went along because I didn't
wanna have the conversation.
466
00:20:21,177 --> 00:20:23,263
The conversation sucks.
It blows.
467
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,599
Listen, Dave.
You're a really nice guy, okay?
468
00:20:26,891 --> 00:20:29,352
But I think we should
see other people.
469
00:20:29,644 --> 00:20:32,814
Okay, well.
I'm out of here.
470
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:35,191
Sorry.
Don't apologize.
471
00:20:35,483 --> 00:20:36,776
Chicksand.
Yeah.
472
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,533
Boop.
473
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:51,916
Hopefully
this is the last of them.
474
00:20:52,208 --> 00:20:54,711
Why would she put a camera
on the bottom shelf anyway?
475
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,464
I don't know.
Peeps are into weird stuff.
476
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,966
You show cleave when
you reach for the crisper.
477
00:21:00,258 --> 00:21:02,719
Gross. I made
three stir frys last week.
478
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:05,180
When your gut's wrong,
it's really wrong.
479
00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:08,516
At least it all worked out.
I wouldn't go so far.
480
00:21:10,268 --> 00:21:11,686
Eight thousand dollars?
481
00:21:11,978 --> 00:21:14,856
Last week when I was
on smokinghotroomies.com,
482
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:16,399
I got the most hits ever.
483
00:21:16,691 --> 00:21:19,235
Wow. That's real money...
Mm-hm.
484
00:21:19,527 --> 00:21:21,488
Put this thing
back in the fridge.
485
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,406
Take your bra off,
let's make a salad.
486
00:21:23,698 --> 00:21:24,657
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