All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S10E14 - Run, Steven Staven! Run! (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

♪ Men ♪♪

Sorry, I'm late.

I've been waiting here
for over an hour.

I'd to pee in that bush.

I shudder to think
what you used to wipe.

Did you knock on the door to see
if Walden and Berta were home?

Yeah, they invited me in,
but I said I'd rather pee

on my feet while an azalea
tickled my crack.

Okay, actually, it's,
uh, it's an oleander.

That's probably not
the salient part of your story.

You know, none of this would
have happened if I had a key.

Uh, come on.
We've been over this.

I just, I feel like I'm
overstepping my boundaries

with Walden by asking
if my girlfriend can have a key.

Well, I feel like an unwelcome
guest in this house.

I'm an unwelcome guest
in this house.

You know, I don't think
you're taking me seriously.

Isn't it enough that
you have the key to my heart?

Oh, bite me.

Okay, I get it. I get it.

You're upset,
and you have every right to be.

But why don't we just,
you know, take a deep breath

maybe open a bottle of wine

uh, take a bath,

light some candles.

Do you actually believe

I'm gonna have sex
with you?

I can't believe you
ever have sex with me.

But you're here now.
You look lovely.

You have an empty bladder,
so why not?

You know what?
Keep the key.

Ah, Lyndsey, come on.

Don't be like this.

What, you're just going to mark
your territory and leave?

Son of a bitch.

[Lyndsey]
'Bet you wish you gave me
that key now.'

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Hah-ah ah ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Ah..

Ah..

You're gonna keep doing that
until I ask you what's wrong

aren't you?

What's wrong?

Kate updated
her Facebook status.

Still no mention of me.

Let it go.

She's eating a bagel.

We used to eat bagels.

Here.

Now you're eating
bagels together.

- I miss her.
- Oh, boo-hoo.

I miss waking up
next to Burt Reynolds.

What, it happened.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Where-where's Lyndsey?

I thought she was
spending the night.

Me, too.
But then she decided I suck.

- Why?
- Did it take her so long?

I don't know what happened.

It just came out of nowhere.

It always does.

You know who knew relationships?
Your brother.

[scoffs]
Oh, please, his lasted
an hour at a time.

An hour and a half
if he was drunk.

Exactly. He treated women
like rental cars.

You pay for them
when you need them

and it's someone else's job

to empty out the trunk
and hose them down.

Well, I'm not paying for sex.

And he can't afford to.

I don't need a hooker.
I have Lyndsey.

You should lead with that
when you apologize to her.

Oh, we will be fine.

This whole thing will blow over
and be gone by tomorrow morning.

So would the hooker.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey.

Well, well, well, look who
finally decided

to grace us with his presence.

I needed some time.
Kate and I split up.

- Another woman left you?
- She moved to New York.

[laughing]

They're crossing state lines
to get away from you now.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a loser.
I'm alone.

And meanwhile,
you're having wild, crazy sex

with my ex-wife
like I could never imagine.

Oh, you don't have
to imagine it.

Look, let me-let me
paint you a word picture.

Uh, the candles
were flickering..

...the music was playing..

...and she rode me like I was
a giant, pink pogo stick.

You're not a giant anything.

That's funny.

You know what else is funny?

You're alone.

Okay, I get it.
It's a joke.

Women always leave me.
I get it.

Well, you know what?
It still hurts.

Not that I expect you
to understand how it feels

to have your heart broken
by someone you love

because that would actually
require you having a heart.

'Do you even know
how it feels--'

She dumped me.

What?

Bridget left me.

Are you serious?

She-She said I was
inconsiderate, condescending

and that I look like
a lesbian art teacher.

I-I don't know what to say.

Other than you do look
like a lesbian art teacher.

I'm glad that my pain
can make you happy.

Oh, wait, you have no idea.

Let me paint you a word picture.

Flowers are blooming.

Birds are singing.

Angels are farting rainbows.

That's not funny, alright?

My-my life is
falling apart.

Come on. I'm just
giving you a hard time.

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be okay.

No, it's not.
I loved her.

I know. I did, too.

And then I realized
she's the broken one.

- You think so?
- Yeah, of course, I..

She dumped me to be with you.
I mean..

[whistling]

- Hey, that--
- Shh, it gets better.

♪ Men ♪♪

Here ya go.

We got chicken
and star soup

and grilled cheese sandwich
with the crust cut off.

I-I got dumped
by my girlfriend

not pushed off
the monkey bars at recess.

And that's why I put whiskey
in your sippy cup.

[Alan]
What's going on?

Oh, Billy got dumped
by Bridget.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Ah, me and my girlfriend
are going through

a bit of a rough patch
ourselves.

So, she sewed you up in your
sheets while you were sleeping

and started beating you
with a broom?

Uh, no.

Then it's not a rough patch.

What is it that makes
relationships so difficult?

- Women.
- Women.

Exactly.

I mean, when was the last time
you were dating someone

and you decided to ask

"Where is this
relationship going?"

Or "Are you mad at me?"

Yeah, or "What's all this
glittery, sparkly stuff

on your pants?"

And guys ask questions
that you can answer.

Like, "How are we
fixed for ham? "

[sighing]

Why is my beer empty?

God, I hate it when
Lyndsey asks me that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wait, were we doing guys'
or girls' questions?

Yeah, on the other hand,
there's no better feeling

than when you're in a loving,
happy relationship.

The sweet release of black tar
heroin's a close second.

Well, the good news is
neither one of you guys

are going to be single for long.

I mean, you got looks and money.

Thank you, Alan.

And you've got...money.

That's true.

Yeah, and what about you?
You got..

...most of your hair.

Both eyes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I mean, no, you've got a..

You've got--

To go apologize
to my girlfriend.

[Billy]
'Exactly.'

By the way, how are
we fixed for ham?

♪ Men ♪♪

- Alan.
- Wow.

- Oh, uh, hey-hey, Lyndsey.
- What are you doing here?

Well, I've left you a few
messages since yesterday.

I don't know if you got them.

I did.

Oh, o-okay.

Well, you look nice.

Did someone die?

I'm going out.

Ooh, girls' night out?

- No.
- Oh.

Did someone die?

I have a date with Dr. Staven.

Wait, Dr. Staven,
your-your gynecologist?

That's right.

Is-is this about
the other night?

Because I said I was sorry.

Look, if it'll make you
feel better

you can lock me out
and I'll pee in your bush.

Okay, that came out much
worse than I meant it.

Okay, I have to get going.

Are you mad at me?

No, we just have
different ideas

of what a relationship
should be.

Well, then let's just sit down
and talk about it.

Nothing to talk about.

Oh, yeah, right.
Like a woman is ever done..

She's mad at me.

They're hot when they're angry,
aren't they?

Oh, Herb.

Geez, you scared me.

Little trouble in paradise?

Oh, yeah, you know,
relationships..

You wanna come
across the street

for a beer and talk about it?

Oh, sure. Thanks.

So, uh, what are you
doing over here anyway?

Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's
coming out for her 6:15 jog.

- Oh, you jog with her?
- No.

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, you know,
I don't think

Judith is going to be
too happy to see me.

Oh, don't worry.
She's gone.

Okay, when you say "Gone"

do you mean she's traveling

or is her head in that cooler?

She left me, Alan.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Yeah, I had a moment of weakness
with my receptionist.

Actually, 36 and a half
moments of weakness.

- Uh, a half?
- Judith walked in during 37.

Herb, how could you?

This is my receptionist.

I would have finished 37
while she was watching.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey, man, thanks
for inviting me over.

I really appreciate it.

Ah, come on, you'd do
the same thing for me.

We both know
that's not true

but it's sweet
of you to say.

And besides, breakups
are like a bruise

and I want to be there when
yours turns from dark purple

to yellow.

That is the meanest thing
you've ever said.

Kudos.

Okay, here's
a question.

- Who's your dream schtupp?
- What?

Any woman in the world,
one night, who's it going to be?

Oh, that's easy. Kate.

Oh, see, right there. That's why
I wouldn't have you over.

Who picks their
ex-girlfriend?

I mean, I'm talking
any woman in the world.

Okay, dead or alive?

[scoffs]
It doesn't matter.

- Do I have to know her?
- Nope.

What if she
doesn't like me?

I..
For the love of God.

In the game
she has to like you.

Okay.

Can she be animated?

Like a, like a cartoon?

Like, you want to be
chomped by Ms. Pacman?

No, but I always had
these weird feelings

when I used to see
Bugs Bunny in drag.

Fine, she can
be animated.

- Her place or mine?
- Who cares?

I do. It's hard for me to relax
in strange surroundings.

Okay, you know what?
Just forget it.

But-but I didn't
pick a girl.

Just shut up.
You ruin everything.

Mother Teresa.

What?

That woman gave her whole life

for the benefit of mankind.

And one man should give her
a little something back.

Hey, guys.

- Oh, hey. Hey!
- Hi.

Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller
than I would have thought.

Herb, uh, you remember Walden.
This is Billy.

Oh. Hello, Billy.

Alan tells me you got, uh,
dumped by Walden's ex-wife.

Yeah, I got dumped
by Alan's ex-wife.

I guess that makes us
dump brothers.

That's, uh..

Who is this guy?

You don't recognize
your own dump brother?

Herb is the most recent victim

of Judith's unrelenting
assault on mankind.

Oh, it sounds like just
the kind of horrible

ball-breaker
I always end up with.

- Mm-hmm.
- She available?

Not emotionally.

And she's only physically
available twice a year.

Twice? Uh, birthdays
and Valentine's Day.

Oh, that explains it.

My birthday's
on Valentine's Day.

I thought you were going
to see Lyndsey.

I did, right as she was
going out on a date.

- Yikes.
- Gut-punch.

With her gynecologist.

- Shut up!
- What?

That man is a trained
vagina handler.

You do not want
him down there.

- He's already been down there.
- Yeah, on business.

You don't want him to return
on a pleasure cruise.

I mean, I mean,
he could take apart

and reassemble her
undercarriage blindfolded.

You're more like a guy
trying to put a bookshelf

together from IKEA.

Well, you know what?
I don't care. I don't need her.

- That's a good attitude.
- Mm-hmm.

Exactly.
Who needs women?

- Not me.
- Me, neither.

Know what we should do?

Go to a bar and pick
up some women?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

♪ Men ♪♪

Alright, this is not
gonna be that hard.

I mean, look at us.
We've got a doctor

a billionaire,
another billionaire.

Billionaire's
permanent houseguest.

Ooh, he said I'm permanent.

Check out the talent
at three o'clock.

Oh, oh, oh.

Hotsy-totsy!

Oh, I got dibs on the blonde.

Oh, who's taking the manly one?
What manly one?

Herb's got the one
with the Adam's apple.

Okay, what are we gonna
do here, guys?

You know, uh, what's the plan?

I mean, uh, teams of two,
every man for himself

uh, shock and awe?

Or we just send in the tall,
handsome guy

with the Big Johnson.

- I'll see what I can do.
- Oh, not you. Pretty boy here.

Well, I am more
than just a pretty face.

Come on, man. You can be
like the-the great white shark

and we'll be the plucky
little pilot fish

who swim alongside you
and feed off your scraps.

Why do I have to be cursed
with all of this?

Back off.

I will seal the deal.

I've seen this movie before.

You're going to enjoy it.

Hi. I hate to interrupt,

so I'm just gonna cut
right to the chase.

I'm neither tall, nor handsome,
but I'm incredibly rich.

So which of you
would like the honor

of sleeping with me
for $5,000?

I apologize.

Ten thousand.

[scoffs]

[clearing throat]

Gentlemen, the bar
has been lowered.

♪ Men ♪♪

This is a great idea, Herb.

We shouldn't
call him Herb.

We should call him Erb.

[laughing]

Well, as a doctor,
I have access to some

pretty righteous chronic.

You're a pediatrician.

I prescribe it to the parents.

This would be way better

if there were four
hot women in here.

Yeah, and none of you.

Please, the only way
you could satisfy four women

is if they were cannibals.

[laughing]

Okay. Yeah.
Look, I will have you know

I have no trouble satisfying
multiple women.

In fact, that's kind
of the reason

I ended in this big bowl
of sausage soup.

What do you mean?

Bridget and I would enjoy
the occasional threesome.

And by "Occasional,"
I mean every Friday, Saturday,

and Sunday night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bridget, like, my Bridget?

Yup.
She was a weekend warrior.

Wow. The closest we ever
came to a threesome

was one time we dog-sat, and I
left the bedroom door open.

Me and that beagle
made eye contact

at the most inopportune moment.

Oh, my God.

Well, hey, hey, hey.
One word of advice.

Do not look up
from the lap of a girl

you just picked up at Safeway
and say to your girlfriend

"My God, I never
want this to end!"

Aah, threesomes never work out.

Somebody always feels left out.

That's why my receptionist and I
got another couple and swing.

Ooh! Stringbean's a freak.
I like it.

Yeah, if you and, uh,
Bridget ever get back together

maybe she'd like
to become a herb-ivore.

I will keep that in mind.

Okay, so I lied

to the woman I love
about who I am.

Herb cheated on his wife.

And Billy spent
too much time

yodeling in
the wrong canyon.

Why did you and Lyndsey
break up?

She wanted a key to the house.

And?

And I said no.

Why?

Well, it's-it's not mine
to give. It's your house.

Since when does
that matter to you?

Since I don't want my girlfriend

to have unrestricted
access to my house.

And we're back to your house.

I like my space!

I-I want to keep
my options open.

Options? You have op-shun.

"Shun" as in, all other
girls shun you.

Look, Alan, don't be a schmuck.

If you're gonna throw away
your relationship

do it for a good reason.

Like spending too much time
face down in the checkout girl.

Yeah, or, uh, fooling around

with your hot,
young receptionist

who lets you wear a diaper while
riding her around the office.

Is one example.

Nobody's gonna think about that
next time we see you.

My point is, you're
the only one of us

who has a chance
to get his girl back.

What about all that stuff
about not needing women?

We only said that
because we don't have women.

- Really?
- Of course, Lyndsey is awesome.

She really is.
She's got the face of an angel

buttocks you can bounce
a quarter off

and a bosom that just makes you
wish she was your mother.

But I'm saying she's awesome.

Just give her the key, Alan.
Give her anything she wants.

Well, it's a little late.
She's out with another guy.

Well, no, it's not too late.

Go get her.
Go do it for yourself.

Do it for all of us
who can't get our girl back.

- Yeah!
- Come on, go get her.

- Okay, okay, you're right.
- Yeah.

You're right.
I'm gonna do it!

I'm gonna do it for all of us!
There you go.

Oh.

I cannot believe
he is our only hope.

♪ Men ♪♪

[sighing]

I don't know
what the problem is.

This is delightful. Oh!

- Oh, boy.
- Alan?

Oh, Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi. Hi.

I-I just need two minutes.

Were you peeing
in my bushes?

What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh..
I'm Alan Harper.

No, thanks.

Alan, this is not a good time.

Okay, just-just
hear me out, okay?

Look, she said this
wasn't a good time.

- 'Get him!'
- Whoa, whoa.

Walden, Herb,
what are you doing?

- You'll thank us later.
- Put me down. Who are you?

[Herb]
'You look lovely, Lyndsey.'

What the hell is going on?

I swear I had nothing
to do with this.

Why did they just
take my date away?

Don't worry, I think
they're just trying to help.

Help with what?

Okay, I-I know
this seems crazy

but I've been doing
a lot of thinking and... here.

What's this?

A key to the house.
I want you to have it.

Really?

Yes, yes,
you're my girlfriend.

Mi casa es su casa.

Actually, mi casa es
Walden's casa es su casa.

I think I went to high school
with a Sue Casa.

Which is ironic,
because she ended up homeless.

Sorry. Anyway, the point is,
the key is yours.

What made you
change your mind?

I love you, Lyndsey.

What really made you
change your mind?

Alright, here we go.

The fact that while you could
certainly do better

there's no way I ever could.

Alan, that is so sweet.

And so true.

So I know Herb and Walden

but who's the lesbian
in the bathrobe?

♪ Men ♪♪

Sorry about kidnapping you.

Ah, don't worry about it.

It was never gonna work
with Lyndsey and me.

Outside of her vagina,
we have nothing in common.

Doctor to doctor, can I
ask you a medical question?

Is it beautiful?

Herb.

Sorry about that,
Dr. Staven.

Oh, please, call me Steven.

Well, Steven Staven?

It's made me
a stronger person.

You know, you wear that robe
better than Judith ever did.

Really? I feel boxy.

No, no.

[dog barking]

What was that?

[growling]

[Walden]
'Uh-oh.'

- Oh, crap.
- Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Oh! Wait!

- Herb's down!
- Leave him!

[Herb]
'Oh, dear God, help me!'

'Tell Lyndsey
I love her!'

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Hah-ah aah ♪

♪ Men ♪♪