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1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,875
I'm determined to find someone
who wants to be with me
2
00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:08,008
for whoI am,
not what I have.
3
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,618
- You can be whoever you want.
- Hmm.
4
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,099
- I can help you out with that.
- Sam Wilson.
5
00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:13,796
Maybe you could crash here.
6
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:16,886
It's great that you're
working on your computer stuff
7
00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:18,931
but we need helpnow.
8
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,499
I get it.
Say no more.
9
00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:23,588
I'll start looking
for a job.
10
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,677
Your job's a way to get by
till you get
11
00:00:25,764 --> 00:00:26,983
your big break as a designer.
12
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:28,463
What if it never happens?
13
00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:30,813
I want to invest in
your line of clothing.
14
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:31,988
Really?
15
00:00:32,075 --> 00:00:33,511
Pack your bags
for New York
16
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:37,907
because I am gonna write
you a check for $50,000.
17
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:39,604
The stress of living a lie
18
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,345
is causing you
to just fall apart.
19
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:42,825
You're binge-eating.
20
00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:44,609
- I'll miss you.
- I love you, Sam.
21
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,655
Hello.
Walden?
22
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,918
- Why is it so dark in here?
- Alan, no!
23
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:53,705
♪ Men ♪♪
24
00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:54,793
Walden!
25
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:55,968
What's happened to you?
26
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,014
What do you mean?
27
00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,712
Uh, okay, I-I don't
know how to say this
28
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:04,238
umm, but you're either
wearing a child's shirt
29
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:05,369
or carrying a child.
30
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,896
Both options raise concerns.
31
00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,377
Hey, I will not
apologize for enjoying
32
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,379
the art of fine cuisine.
33
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:18,513
Says the guy who has barbecue
sauce all over his back.
34
00:01:20,341 --> 00:01:24,171
Oh, like I'm the first guy
to fall asleep on a McRib.
35
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:25,737
What are you doing here, Alan?
36
00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:26,956
I'm worried about you.
37
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:28,479
I haven't seen
you in three weeks.
38
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:29,785
Kate's still in New York.
39
00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:31,743
Why are you still
in her apartment?
40
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,224
I like it here.
It's comfortable.
41
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,965
Besides, the beach house
smells like you.
42
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:37,532
This place smells like Kate.
43
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:41,144
I'll take "Things a serial
killer would say" for $200.
44
00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,451
Do you wanna be
my next victim?
45
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,975
Come on, Walden,
look at you.
46
00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:47,846
You're-you're a
disgusting blob.
47
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:50,284
Can you even see your
penis past that gut?
48
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,068
What? My penis is
like Santa Claus.
49
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:55,376
I don't need to see it
I just need to believe in it.
50
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:56,681
You know what I believe
51
00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:58,205
living a double life
is killing you.
52
00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:00,163
You don't know what
you're talking about.
53
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,862
- So why don't you just go away?
- You don't think you need help?
54
00:02:03,949 --> 00:02:06,517
- I know I don't need help.
- Fine, then I'll leave.
55
00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,609
Hey, Alan?
56
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:14,656
Yeah!
57
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,005
I need help.
58
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:19,574
Oh, buddy, it's-it's
gonna be okay.
59
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:22,054
No, it's not
gonna be okay.
60
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,273
I'm out of control!
61
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,754
I'm lying to
the woman I love!
62
00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:27,799
The only thing
I do more than lie
63
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:30,367
is eat raw cookie dough.
64
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,195
And I think
I have salmonella.
65
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:34,980
Don't worry.
66
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:36,765
Alan's here now.
67
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:37,853
We're gonna get you..
68
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,161
...hosed down and..
69
00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:44,120
...back in shape and-and feeling
like your old self again.
70
00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:45,861
- You think so?
- Oh, absolutely.
71
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:47,384
And-And after we do
72
00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,647
you're gonna call up Kate
and tell her the truth.
73
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,040
What? No, I can't.
74
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,563
- You have to.
- Why?
75
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:55,392
Because the truth will set
you free, and you know it.
76
00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:58,047
Okay.
Maybe you're right.
77
00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,223
There you go.
78
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:04,053
Plus, it'd be nice to lose
the gut and see my penis again.
79
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,969
And I'm sure he'd
like to see you, too.
80
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:09,580
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
81
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:10,668
♪ Ha-ah ah ♪
82
00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:12,192
♪ Men ♪♪
83
00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:17,371
♪ Men ♪♪
84
00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:18,676
Getting you back in shape
85
00:03:18,763 --> 00:03:19,982
is not gonna be easy.
86
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,505
It's gonna be
a long haul.
87
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:24,116
It'll take exercise,
diet and discipline.
88
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,728
Don't make such a big deal
about this. I look fine.
89
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,209
Aw, look who's got
a little belly.
90
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:35,040
Let's do this thing.
91
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,000
[trumpet music]
92
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,962
[music continues]
93
00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,964
Oh, that was easy.
94
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,708
♪ Men ♪♪
95
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,536
[beeping]
96
00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:54,669
- Hey, you.
- Hi, babe.
97
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,366
How's the prep
for the show going?
98
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,759
Oh, my God.
99
00:03:57,846 --> 00:04:01,980
Everybody here is pretentious,
bitchy and high.
100
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,418
I love New York!
101
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:06,463
Are you sure you're not
Skyping from heaven?
102
00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:10,989
Because you appear to be
surrounded by half-naked angels.
103
00:04:11,076 --> 00:04:13,601
Oh, yeah, that's
Britte and Inga.
104
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,820
I guess they're done
throwing up their lunch.
105
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,779
Well, I've got great news.
106
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:19,389
I'll be there tomorrow.
107
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,739
You do realize they'll
be dressed by then.
108
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:24,525
No,I'm coming to seeyou.
109
00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:27,310
But if the models are still
there and we wind up
110
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:29,573
getting in a pillow fight
in our hotel bed, then so be it.
111
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,793
[chuckles]
Are you really coming?
112
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,969
Yeah, and..
113
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:35,492
...I gotta big
surprise for you.
114
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,886
Oh..
Wait, hang on a sec.
115
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,714
How can you afford
a plane ticket?
116
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,369
Well, Alan is flying
me on his jet.
117
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:45,154
Oh! Alan's coming, too.
118
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:46,721
Yay.
119
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,375
Don't worry about him.
120
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,942
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
Oh, and do me a favor.
121
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:54,206
Before I get there, make sure
those models have clothes on.
122
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,601
How do you feel about naughty
school girl outfits?
123
00:04:57,688 --> 00:05:00,300
I find them degrading.
124
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:01,475
And perfect.
125
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,041
[chuckles]
126
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:05,305
- I love you, Sam.
- I love you.
127
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,613
So did you tell her?
128
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:10,745
No.
129
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,877
I wanna tell her in person.
130
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,052
'So pack your bags.'
131
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,489
We're going to New York.
132
00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:17,752
Me? Why am I going?
133
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:19,754
This is really scary
for me, Alan.
134
00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,016
I need the support
of my friend.
135
00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:22,365
Well, you got it.
136
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,019
- Thank you.
- Uh, uh, Walden--
137
00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:25,629
Yes, I'll cover
your expenses.
138
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:28,371
- Great. Umm--
- Yes, I'll give you per diem.
139
00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:33,202
If he ever gets a real friend,
I'm screwed.
140
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:37,162
♪ Men ♪♪
141
00:05:37,249 --> 00:05:40,470
You know what we should do in
New York? Go see a musical.
142
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:43,212
Yeah, maybe.
143
00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,649
If I put my life
back together.
144
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:46,781
Of course.
145
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,828
So what are you thinking,
Jersey Boys?
146
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:53,004
♪ Walk like aman ♪
147
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:56,051
♪ Talk like aman♪♪
148
00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:57,531
I don't really have
a preference.
149
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:01,578
Can't go wrong
with Wicked.
150
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:04,842
Sure.
151
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,280
Then again, Mamma Mia.
152
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,065
I can never see
that show enough.
153
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,545
I own the movie on Blu-ray.
154
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,462
Two words.
Delightful romp.
155
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,553
You do realize the whole point
of this trip is to
156
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,077
tell the woman I love
that I'm actually someone else?
157
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:24,209
Oh, I get it.
158
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:28,039
If that story was on Broadway,
I'd see it in a heartbeat.
159
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:31,216
Walden Schmidt in
Les Mis-Representation
160
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:33,871
of Who he Is.
161
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:37,179
- Thanks for the support.
- Oh,comeon.
162
00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:39,921
Lighten up.
Everything's gonna be fine.
163
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,793
I hope she doesn't like Sam
more than she likes Walden.
164
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,708
Why would she?
165
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,624
Well, a lot of reasons.
One, Sam's better in bed.
166
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:49,974
- What?
- He tries harder.
167
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:53,108
He has to compensate for all the
other things he doesn't have.
168
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,326
He's banging scared.
169
00:06:56,111 --> 00:06:59,680
If that's true, I'd be
the best lay on the planet.
170
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,203
I just don't wanna lose her.
171
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:02,422
Oh, you won't.
172
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,602
But it's fun to lose yourself
in the magic of Broadway.
173
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:11,953
- Alan.
- Fine.
174
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,261
Well, it's too bad
you're in a relationship.
175
00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:19,743
Kate's show will be packed
with half-naked supermodels.
176
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,179
S-Supermodels?
177
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:24,008
- Yeah.
- Wow.
178
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:27,664
Excuse me a second.
I'm-I'm gonna make a call.
179
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:28,709
My girl.
180
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,670
- Hey, Lyndsey.
- Hey, what's up?
181
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,759
[Alan]
'I'm on Walden's jet.'
182
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,369
I'm flying to New York City.
183
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,588
[Lyndsey]
'For what?'
184
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,634
A fashion show,
maybe take in a musical.
185
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:43,332
Ah! Guys' weekend.
186
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,247
Yes, exactly.
187
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:47,336
Um, so anyhow,
I just wanted to..
188
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,251
...make sure you still love me.
189
00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,558
Of course I do.
Why would you even ask?
190
00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,385
Well, you know,
I'm on a plane.
191
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,562
You know, anything can
happen at any time.
192
00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:57,738
Don't worry, Alan.
I love you.
193
00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,957
'And we're gonna be
together forever.'
194
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,525
O-Okay, sweetie.
I love you, too. Bye-bye.
195
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,748
Son of a bitch.
196
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,184
♪ Men ♪♪
197
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,405
Oh, my!
Oh, my!
198
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,670
Oh, oh, gee, so,
so tall, so
199
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,020
so very tall,
oh, oh
200
00:08:19,107 --> 00:08:20,804
that-that, that's an 11.
201
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:23,415
And and now we've got a-a 12.
202
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,939
Oh, God, can you
believe this?
203
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:27,245
All these beautiful women,
and I'm off the market.
204
00:08:27,332 --> 00:08:30,814
Yeah! 'cause that's what
models are looking for
205
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,816
a middle-aged, twice
divorced, broke-ass guy
206
00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,079
who lives in a guest room
with a dehumidifier
207
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,516
and my old tax returns.
208
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:39,475
Ooh, I make enough
money to pay taxes.
209
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:40,998
Rub my nose in it.
210
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,612
I'm just nervous,
I don't know if I can do this.
211
00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:47,178
I feel like
I'm gonna puke.
212
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:48,440
This is the place for it.
213
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,486
Grab a feather
and get in line.
214
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:51,531
[Kate]
'Sam!'
215
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,924
Hi, Kate.
216
00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,012
Hi.
217
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,405
[Kate chuckles]
218
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:59,539
Alan, it's so good to..
219
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:00,931
Alan!
220
00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,933
I'm very, very
happy for you.
221
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:05,457
I hope this fashion show brings
you all the success.
222
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,068
- Thank you.
- Why don't I..
223
00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:09,331
...leave you two alone
while I fill my head
224
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:10,680
with images to think of
225
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,464
when I'm having sex
with the woman I love.
226
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,382
I am so happy
you're here.
227
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:19,167
I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
228
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:20,864
So, what's this big surprise
229
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:23,388
you had to fly all the way to
New York to talk to me about?
230
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:27,044
Yeah, the surpriseis..
231
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:29,264
Okay, uh..
232
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,874
- Close your eyes.
- Alright.
233
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:35,444
Kate, I'd like you to
meet Walden Schmidt.
234
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:41,058
I don't understand.
235
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,147
My name's not Sam Wilson.
236
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,715
It's Walden Schmidt.
237
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:47,151
What?
238
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:51,242
♪ Walk like a man
Talk like a man ♪
239
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:55,246
♪ Walk like a man, my son ♪
240
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:56,683
♪ No woman's worth.. ♪♪
241
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,467
♪ Men ♪♪
242
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:02,950
♪ Men ♪♪
243
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,125
Wait a sec.
244
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:06,780
Your name's not
Sam Wilson?
245
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,564
No.
246
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:09,826
And I'm not broke, either.
247
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,047
I have a lot of money.
248
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:16,267
In fact, I have
more than a lot.
249
00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:18,574
Like, think about
a lot of money
250
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:21,272
and then multiply
it by ten..
251
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,447
...thousand.
252
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,668
But how is this possible?
253
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,452
You worked at a
Christmas tree lot.
254
00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:29,280
You didn't chip
in on the rent.
255
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,979
I saw you use toilet
paper as a coffee filter.
256
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,981
That's only because
the day before
257
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:37,158
I used the last coffee
filter as toilet paper.
258
00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:40,204
Okay. Why are you
doing this, Sam?
259
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:41,771
It's not Sam.
260
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:44,252
- It's Walden.
- Okay, whatever your name is!
261
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:47,255
Why would you lie
about who you are?
262
00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,997
Because I wanted to
meet someone like you.
263
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:52,303
Someone who's kind
and genuine
264
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:54,175
and sweet and not
after my money.
265
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:57,918
Someone that I felt like,
I had a real connection with.
266
00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,834
So, to make sure
you could trust me
267
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:01,965
you lied to me?
268
00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:03,445
I'm really sorry.
269
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,055
I-I got caught
up in it
270
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:07,841
then I-I couldn't figure
out how to get out, and it..
271
00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:12,019
Trust me, you are the most
amazing person I've ever met.
272
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,368
I love you
273
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:15,892
whether I'm Sam Wilson
or Walden Schmidt.
274
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:17,894
Well, good for you.
275
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:21,898
Unfortunately, I have no idea
who Walden Schmidt is.
276
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,726
Kate, wait.
277
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,641
You know what?
278
00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:27,164
This whole time
279
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,514
I thought he was the douche.
280
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,168
Turns out
you're the douche.
281
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:39,089
Unbelievable!
282
00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:40,438
She likes me.
283
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,312
♪ Men ♪♪
284
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:47,794
How you doing?
285
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:51,493
I've been better.
286
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,235
Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.
287
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:57,368
You know what might
cheer you up?
288
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,196
There are still tickets
for tonight's performance
289
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,068
of Jersey Boys.
290
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,113
We're not going
to Jersey Boys.
291
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,898
Oh, I totally get it.
292
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,638
Lion King it is.
293
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,902
We're not going to
any musical at all.
294
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:11,643
Fine.
295
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:15,343
I just don't understand why
we both have to be depressed.
296
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:18,476
I don't think she's ever
going to forgive me.
297
00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:19,956
Why would she?
298
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,873
I mean, I-I-I lied to her
about everything.
299
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,396
I don't wanna
give anything away
300
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:29,749
in case you change your mind
and we do go, but when
301
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:32,664
Simba lies to
his friends
302
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,537
by not telling them
that he's the Lion King
303
00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:40,150
they forgive him after a few
short but snappy dance numbers.
304
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:43,893
Life is not a
musical, Alan.
305
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,939
So knock it off.
306
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:48,680
See, that wouldn't have hurt
so much if you'd sung it.
307
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,598
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm
just upset.
308
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:56,253
I mean, I did,
what I did for love.
309
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:01,128
Am I really that
bad of a guy?
310
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:03,130
♪ You're a douche
you're a douche ♪
311
00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:05,393
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
312
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,265
♪ You broke that
poor girl's heart ♪
313
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,311
♪ You're a douche
you're a douche ♪
314
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,269
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
315
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:15,403
♪ You should have told the
truth right from the start ♪
316
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:19,233
♪ But my intentions were good
I was no slave to my wood ♪
317
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,497
♪ I wanted her to
love me for me ♪
318
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:27,850
♪ He does have lots of riches
which attracts lot of bitches ♪
319
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,983
♪ Thank you, Alan, but
you'll never be on Glee ♪
320
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,419
♪ Aw crap ♪
321
00:13:31,506 --> 00:13:32,899
♪ If I may throw
in my two cents ♪
322
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,901
♪ Your love was
based on a pretense ♪
323
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:38,034
♪ Your relationship with
mother is to blame ♪
324
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:40,167
♪ You didn't suckle
on her boobies ♪
325
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:41,951
♪ You self-medicate
with doobies ♪
326
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:44,475
♪ Which explains why you
used a made-up name ♪
327
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:45,912
♪ Cue the refrain ♪
328
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,174
♪ You're a douche
you're a douche ♪
329
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,393
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
330
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,614
♪ Everything you
said was a lie ♪
331
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,268
♪ You're a douche
you're a douche ♪
332
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,139
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
333
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:59,142
♪ But you're still a really,
really handsome guy ♪
334
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:01,144
♪ Thank you
Then what am I to do ♪
335
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,930
♪ So I don't always
live with you ♪
336
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:06,236
♪ Wow that hurts my feelings ♪
337
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:10,153
♪ But since I live there
beneath your ceilings ♪
338
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,678
♪ I'll bite the pillow like
the prison bitches do ♪
339
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,158
♪ Woo-oh ♪
340
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:16,725
♪ If she gives me
one more chance ♪
341
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,335
♪ We can have a real romance ♪
342
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:21,730
♪ If she doesn't we can
party in my pants ♪
343
00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:25,429
♪ Excuse me no disrespect
But I have to interject ♪
344
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:29,651
♪ What makes you think
you can steal the show ♪
345
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,305
♪ 'Cause I'm gay ♪
346
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,133
♪ Oh you're so
clearly from L.A. ♪
347
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:34,656
♪ Yes I'm gay ♪
348
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,353
♪ And he will always
be that way ♪
349
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,138
♪ I'm gay ♪
350
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,270
♪ Or as his Jersey
friends would say ♪
351
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:43,186
♪ A-yo badda bing
he's a big ol' 'mo ♪
352
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:46,450
♪ Excuse me but we
seem to be digressing ♪
353
00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:50,063
♪ And I find it to be
quite distressing ♪
354
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:53,327
♪ Can we sing about the
problem that's at hand ♪
355
00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:57,026
♪ Can Kate get over Sam
and love who I am ♪
356
00:14:57,113 --> 00:15:00,247
♪ You confusin' me for
someone who gives a damn ♪
357
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:01,901
♪ So bottom line ♪
358
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,250
♪ You're a douche
you're a douche ♪
359
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:05,513
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
360
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,211
♪ And I'll die sad and alone ♪
361
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,952
♪ You're a douche
you're a douche ♪
362
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,519
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
363
00:15:11,606 --> 00:15:12,999
[cell-phone ringing]
364
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,349
Hold it, everybody,
that's my phone.
365
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,568
Hello! Kate!
366
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:20,006
[Kate]
'You're a douche.'
367
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,572
♪ Douche douche
douche douche ♪
368
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,313
♪ Douche-y douche
douche douche ♪
369
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,664
♪ Douche you're a douche
oh what a douche ♪
370
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:29,711
♪ You couldn't say it meaner
I'm a big vagina cleaner ♪
371
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:33,323
♪ Didn't do what I oughta
I'm vinegar and water ♪
372
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:36,587
♪ On this we all agree ♪♪ Oh yes we all agree ♪
373
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,764
♪ Oh good you finally
see the shining sea ♪
374
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:42,854
♪ Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E douche ♪
375
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,293
♪ Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E douche ♪
376
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:49,557
♪ Give me a D-O-U-C-H-E douche ♪
377
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,690
♪ Drumroll ♪
378
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,779
♪ You're a douche ♪♪ I'm a douche ♪
379
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,694
♪ Just a big fizzy douche ♪
380
00:15:56,781 --> 00:15:59,697
♪ And that's all I'll ever be ♪
381
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,351
♪ You're a douche ♪♪ Just a douche ♪
382
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,874
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
383
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:08,184
♪ And that's all
you'll ever be ♪
384
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:10,926
♪ Douche ♪♪
385
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,188
[cell phone ringing]
386
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,886
[Alan]
'Walden.'
387
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,019
Walden.
388
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,803
Uh, your phone's ringing.
389
00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:20,544
[cell phone ringing]
390
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,851
Uh!
391
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,026
[ringing continues]
392
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:26,898
It's Kate.
393
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,031
Hey, Kate.
394
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:30,076
Yeah!
395
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,164
I can meet.
396
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:33,122
Yeah, I-I'll be
right there.
397
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,037
Okay.
398
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,996
She wants to see me.
399
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,258
Here, take care of
the check for me.
400
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,042
Will do.
401
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:55,362
Douche.
402
00:16:57,973 --> 00:17:00,715
♪ Men ♪♪
403
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:03,065
Hey!
404
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,153
Hey!
405
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,589
How'd the show go?
406
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,070
It was pretty amazing, actually.
407
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:11,943
The buyer from Neiman Marcus
is interested in my stuff.
408
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,597
That's great.
409
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:16,644
About halfway through
the show, I realized that
410
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:19,951
Alan probably didn't
pay for this, did he?
411
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,171
No.
412
00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:24,260
But if the models ask,
throw him a bone.
413
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,045
[chuckles]
414
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,872
Thank you.
415
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,135
I'm really sorry.
416
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:34,488
Do you think that there's a way
that we can make this work?
417
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,794
I don't know.
418
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,753
I mean, I trusted you, and..
419
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:39,971
...you didn't trust me.
420
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:44,193
Now I don't even
know who you are.
421
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,370
Well, if you think about it,
I'm really the same guy.
422
00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:50,025
I just have a better watch
423
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,418
better car
424
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:52,680
'better house'
425
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,682
'better..'
426
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,205
...jet.
427
00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:00,122
So nothing about you is real.
428
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:03,647
What's real is that I love you.
429
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:05,345
Okay!
430
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:06,476
Well..
431
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,609
...I'm gonna need some time..
432
00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:09,958
...to process all of this.
433
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,097
So..
434
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:19,185
...you think..
435
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:21,274
...maybe when we
get back to L.A.
436
00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:23,667
- I'm not going back to L.A.
- What?
437
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:25,887
Yeah, thanks to you, I..
438
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,194
...might have a life here now.
439
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:29,760
Wow!
440
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:33,503
I didn't think any of
this through, did I?
441
00:18:33,590 --> 00:18:35,810
Apparently not, Walden Smith.
442
00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:37,159
It's actually Schmidt.
443
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:39,683
You know, it's
not important.
444
00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:43,296
So, I guess I'll just..
445
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,514
...wait to
hear from you.
446
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:45,820
I guess so.
447
00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:49,215
Good-bye, Sam.
448
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:55,438
[footsteps]
449
00:18:55,525 --> 00:18:57,136
It's Walden.
450
00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:59,877
Hey, look who needs
a ride back to L.A.
451
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,228
Yeah! Alan the billionaire's
got a big jet.
452
00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:08,190
It slipped out while they
were running away from me.
453
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,626
♪ Men ♪♪
454
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,762
♪ Men ♪♪
455
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:16,633
Ooh, too much champagne!
456
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:19,984
They are..
457
00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:21,682
...awfully pretty.
458
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,553
Yeah.
459
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:24,641
You, uh, you gonna?
460
00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:28,036
[indistinct chattering]
461
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,820
Not, I'm not interested.
462
00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:30,952
Oh-ho, me, neither.
463
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,258
You know, I've a girlfriend.
464
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:35,478
But, you know,
if we could..
465
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,567
...which-which one
would you choose?
466
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,354
[indistinct chattering]
467
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:42,529
Probably the brunette.
468
00:19:42,616 --> 00:19:43,791
Really? The brunette?
469
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:46,707
Oh, you want the brunette?
470
00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:48,709
Oh, me? No, I..
471
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,928
...I said, you know the
aforementioned girlfriend.
472
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:54,802
Although..
473
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,717
...Lyndsey is a blonde and..
474
00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:58,936
...the brunette would make
a very nice palate cleanser.
475
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:03,593
You know, uh, hypothetically.
476
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,334
Fine, you can have
the brunette.
477
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:06,422
Hypothetically.
478
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,598
If we're talking hypothetically
479
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:11,297
it's my plane, you're not here,
and I'm taking them both.
480
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,256
Right. Are we
done with this?
481
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:15,388
Hypothetically.
482
00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:20,610
So, uh, I assume you're moving
back into the beach house.
483
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:21,829
- Yeah.
- Good. Good.
484
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,396
The place felt empty
without you.
485
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:25,746
Oh,please.You loved
every minute of it.
486
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:28,096
I did. I really did.
487
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:30,794
I got to tell you,
your bed ruined me.
488
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,318
And I ruined it.
489
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:34,798
Ugh.
490
00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:38,628
I'm sorry, buddy. You
were gone a long time.
491
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:42,980
I'm just gonna miss waking up
next to Kate every morning.
492
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:46,201
I'm gonna miss driving
your fancy sports car.
493
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:50,814
I'm gonna miss the way she held
my hand when we watched a movie.
494
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,599
I'm gonna miss the
way your underwear
495
00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:53,861
felt fresh from the dryer.
496
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:57,995
I'm taking the brunette.
497
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:03,610
♪ Douche ♪♪
498
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:10,530
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men♪
499
00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:13,707
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men♪
500
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:16,405
♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪
501
00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,625
♪ Oh-ho-oho-oh ♪
502
00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:22,063
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
503
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,587
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
504
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:25,806
♪ Ha-ah ah ♪
505
00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:26,937
♪ Men ♪♪
35410
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