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1
00:00:03,090 --> 00:00:05,962
I'm determined to find
someone who wants to be with me
2
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,095
for who I am,
not what I have.
3
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:09,879
My point is, you can be
whoever you wanna be.
4
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:13,448
- I can help you out with that.
- I appreciate it...Kate.
5
00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:14,666
Sam Wilson.
6
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:16,451
Maybe you could crash here.
7
00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:20,020
- Have you thought this through?
- I gotta see where this goes.
8
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:23,153
I think it is great that you're
working on your computer stuff
9
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,720
but...we need help now.
10
00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:26,243
Say no more.
11
00:00:26,330 --> 00:00:27,897
I'll start
looking for a job.
12
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,682
♪ Men ♪♪
13
00:00:32,945 --> 00:00:34,164
Hey!
14
00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:37,515
Oh, look who finally
decided to show up.
15
00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:39,343
Uh, yeah, I got
stuck in traffic.
16
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,562
Traffic, pfft.
17
00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,085
You were with her,
weren't you?
18
00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:45,349
Really, Alan?
19
00:00:45,436 --> 00:00:46,568
I don't mean to sound
like a broken record
20
00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:48,352
but you're never
home anymore.
21
00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:50,050
I was just there
the other night.
22
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,052
And all you did was watch
the game and fall asleep.
23
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:55,055
Remember how we used to stay
up all night and just talk?
24
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,623
Okay, you know,
fine, we can talk now.
25
00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:00,799
- What's on your mind?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
26
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:04,629
[sighs]
I'm not a mind reader, Alan.
27
00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:07,371
Well, not that you care, but..
28
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,112
...I'm rattling around
in that big house
29
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,679
all by myself.
30
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:13,203
I miss you.
There, I said it.
31
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,552
I miss you too.
32
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,685
You got a funny
way of showing it.
33
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,122
You do understand
I have a girlfriend, right?
34
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:22,386
So do I. Another peach
mojito, please.
35
00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:24,214
What are you drinking?
It's on me.
36
00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:27,783
By "On me," I mean the money
you left me to pay the bills
37
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,567
which, incidentally,
I used for other stuff
38
00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:32,744
so I'll need money
to pay the bills.
39
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:34,529
I'll have
a ginger ale, please.
40
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:35,704
Ginger ale?
41
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,836
Yeah, my stomach's
been bothering me.
42
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,795
I haven't really been
feeling myself lately.
43
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,493
Which self would that be?
Walden Schmidt or Sam Wilson?
44
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:45,714
Well, Sam Wilson
has a lot of stress.
45
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:46,758
Thank you.
46
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:48,108
Money's tight.
47
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:49,848
You'd be surprised
what that does to a guy.
48
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,807
Please, I've been
so desperate for money
49
00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:53,330
I've climbed into
fountains at night
50
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:54,984
and stolen the wishes
of children.
51
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,508
So you get it.
52
00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:59,206
What I don't get is why you
don't resolve the stress
53
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,337
and just tell
Kate the truth?
54
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:01,643
[scoffs]
That's not gonna happen.
55
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,210
- Why not?
- I don't know.
56
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,995
Everything's going so great,
I don't wanna screw it up.
57
00:02:06,082 --> 00:02:07,692
Oh, that's not good.
58
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,480
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
59
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:13,611
♪ Ha-ah ah ♪
60
00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:15,178
♪ Men ♪♪
61
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,792
♪ Men ♪♪
62
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,448
I don't know whether
this is beef or chicken
63
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:25,710
but it's definitely
worth 79 cents.
64
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:30,976
What's the matter?
65
00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:34,328
My life has been
a complete waste of time.
66
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,330
Otherwise, I'm terrific.
67
00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:39,724
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Is this..
68
00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,770
Is this one of
the dresses you made?
69
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,424
- Mm-hmm.
- Why're you throwing it away?
70
00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:46,818
Because, apparently...
my stuff's not good enough
71
00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:48,690
to get a job
that pays nothing.
72
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,694
- You didn't get the internship?
- No.
73
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:56,219
Rejected by the guy who assists
the guy who assists the guy
74
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:58,090
who designs Snooki's
75
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,006
signature line
of baby thongs!
76
00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:03,400
Okay, don't worry,
you're gonna get the next one.
77
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:06,186
There is no next one.
78
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:07,970
I mean, obviously
79
00:03:08,057 --> 00:03:10,755
I don't have what it takes
to be a fashion designer.
80
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,714
I just have to
bite the bullet
81
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,281
and admit it is not happening.
82
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,021
But you're not at that point.
83
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:17,719
Three words!
84
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:19,373
Snooki's..
85
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,765
...baby..
86
00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,332
...thongs!
87
00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,552
I think your designs are great.
88
00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:28,382
You have to say that,
I have sex with you.
89
00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:30,862
True.
But if I was a woman
90
00:03:30,949 --> 00:03:34,649
I would totally
wear this dress.
91
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:38,348
Hell, three shots of tequila
and I would wear this dress.
92
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,437
And I would work it!
93
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:43,223
Okay, don't make me laugh
when I'm trying to cry.
94
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,399
Too late, because
I am fierce.
95
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,579
[laughing]
I love you, Sam.
96
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:52,841
You have to say that.
97
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:54,277
I have sex with you.
98
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:56,845
Okay...the real test
99
00:03:56,932 --> 00:04:00,196
is will you have sex
with me wearing that dress?
100
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,633
You get the tequila,
I'll go put on some heels.
101
00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:06,768
♪ Men ♪♪
102
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:09,074
Lightly salted,
just the way you like.
103
00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:10,467
[chuckles]
Mm, thanks.
104
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:13,601
- Who could've seen this coming?
- Right.
105
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,167
We end up with the house.
106
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,474
[chuckles]
Unbelievable.
107
00:04:17,561 --> 00:04:19,041
You know how
I used to say
108
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:21,304
you'd have to pay me
to hang with you?
109
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,393
- Yeah.
- Here we are.
110
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,223
- Hey, guys!
- Mm.
111
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:28,746
- Mm!
- Oh, look who it is.
112
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,661
- Sam Wilson.
- Hey, Alan!
113
00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:32,054
Can I talk to you
for a second?
114
00:04:32,141 --> 00:04:33,447
Oh, sure.
115
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:36,711
- The principal wants to see me.
- Mm.
116
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:39,366
Oh, uh, Berta,
I brought some laundry by.
117
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,758
Uh, do you mind?
118
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,891
It's your machine.
Knock yourself out.
119
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:48,810
So, what's up?
120
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:51,595
I'm transferring $100,000
into your bank account.
121
00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:54,816
[gasps]
A hundred thousand..
122
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,165
Catch me, Lord.
123
00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,516
I-I think
I need to sit down.
124
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:00,691
- Yeah, yeah.
- I..
125
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,737
I-I could swear
that I heard you say
126
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:05,392
you were gonna put
$100,000 into my account.
127
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:08,308
- I am.
- There it goes again.
128
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:11,006
It's-it's like
the teacups at Disneyland.
129
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,616
How can I ever thank you?
130
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,531
The money is for Kate.
131
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,533
Next time, lead with that.
132
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,970
I want to invest
in her fashion designs.
133
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:20,624
- What?
- She'sreally talented.
134
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:22,409
But nobody will
give her a shot.
135
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,888
Are you sure
she's talented?
136
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,194
It isn't just
boom-shaka-laka-laka
137
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:26,456
boom-shaka-laka-laka?
138
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:31,722
I'm about to give you
a boom-shaka-laka!
139
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:34,682
No, $100,000 will help
her start her company.
140
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,248
- Give it to her.
- I can't.
141
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,163
I'm Sam Wilson.
I'm broke.
142
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:42,429
But you can, because you're
Alan Harper, billionaire.
143
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:45,345
Oh..
144
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:48,348
Fashion's kind of risky.
145
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,526
And Alan Harper did not
become a billionaire
146
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:55,137
by taking unnecessary risks.
147
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,748
You are taking an
unnecessary risk right now!
148
00:05:57,835 --> 00:06:01,056
No, I-I'm just saying that I'd
rather put my money into gold
149
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:04,929
or maybe start a vineyard.
"Alancrest."
150
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:07,541
Fine, when
you make $100,000..
151
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,978
I don't even have
to finish that.
152
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:12,937
I-I want my money
invested in Kate.
153
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,635
Okay, no problem.
154
00:06:14,722 --> 00:06:17,420
But I'll have to see
some of her sketches first.
155
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:18,726
- Alan.
- What?
156
00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:21,293
You want this to be
believable, don't you?
157
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,817
Fine. Have us over
tomorrow night.
158
00:06:22,904 --> 00:06:25,820
- Ooh, kind of short notice!
- Alan!
159
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:28,126
Can't we do this
at your house?
160
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:29,867
This is my house!
161
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:36,221
Awfully rude for a guy
who wants my money.
162
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:41,401
♪ Men ♪♪
163
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:52,629
It's like you've never
washed a dish in your life.
164
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,414
What are you
talking about?
165
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,286
There's still SpaghettiOs
on this plate.
166
00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:01,682
You're the one that
wanted to be all fancy
167
00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:04,424
and said we couldn't eat
them straight out of the can.
168
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:05,729
Ugh.
169
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:07,688
Oh, speaking of fancy.
170
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:10,212
- I saw Alan today.
- Ew.
171
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:13,911
It was actually a really
interesting conversation.
172
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:15,565
He's looking for
some new investments.
173
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:18,699
He should go and buy himself
a better personality.
174
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,005
Nobody's that rich.
175
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,791
Uh, but I did tell him
that you're trying to start
176
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,183
your own fashion company.
177
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:27,882
- Oh, Sam, you didn't.
- Oh, but I did.
178
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,189
He can help you.
179
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,322
I don't want his help.
180
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:36,760
Unless I'm gonna start a line
called "House of Douche."
181
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,458
Don't be ridiculous.
182
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,895
I'm sure that name's
already taken.
183
00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:43,375
Hey, he could be the answer
to all your problems.
184
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,725
Oh, I don't know.
185
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,857
Before you say no..
186
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,555
...he invited us over
tomorrow night
187
00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:51,471
so you can show
him your designs.
188
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,037
You really think
he'd invest in me?
189
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:55,997
- He'd be an idiot not to.
- But he is an idiot.
190
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,175
True.
191
00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:03,613
- Give it a chance?
- Alright.
192
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:05,310
- I'll do it.
- Great.
193
00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:06,964
Oh, did I mention that
if you take his money
194
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:08,139
you have to sleep with him?
195
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,446
[gagging]
196
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,622
I'm kidding.
I'll totally do him.
197
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:13,710
[gagging]
198
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:17,105
♪ Men ♪♪
199
00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,455
[doorbell ringing]
200
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:24,286
Ah! Sam, Kate.
201
00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,028
Welcome to "Alancrest."
202
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:28,420
W-Why are you
wearing pajamas?
203
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,683
I'm rich. I can.
204
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:32,686
You have a beautiful home.
205
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,296
It'll work until
my castle's finished.
206
00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,038
Entrez-vous.
207
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:40,215
Uh, that's French
for "Enter, you."
208
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:43,523
Oh, look, my panoramic
ocean view.
209
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,177
You can follow my
seagulls on Twitter.
210
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:49,398
Hashtag, "Gulls gone wild."
211
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,139
Oh, ah, delightful!
212
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:53,054
Thank you, Berta.
That will be all.
213
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,446
Damn right it will!
214
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,494
[laughing]
She's been with
the family for years.
215
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:00,017
They say you're not
really rich
216
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,454
until you have
servants who hate you.
217
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,718
Uh, Alan, Kate brought
her portfolio to show you--
218
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:07,982
Oh, yes!
Kate, please take a seat.
219
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:10,158
- Take my breath away!
- Oh, I'd love to.
220
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:14,336
I made some new
sketches just for you.
221
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:16,294
Yeah, she's been working
really hard on them.
222
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,296
I think you're really
gonna like what you see.
223
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:21,169
[laughing]
No offense, Sam, but look
at the way you dress.
224
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:25,869
Alright.
225
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:27,305
Oh, it's-it's nice.
226
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:29,046
No, I-I like
what you did here.
227
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,222
Thank you.
228
00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:33,094
Uh, cap sleeves
are-are last season
229
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:36,010
but-but you know, okay.
230
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:38,099
Oh, I'm kind of done
with rompers
231
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:41,015
but I understand
what you're going for.
232
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,408
Oh, oh, velvet.
233
00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:45,672
Kind of whore-ish.
234
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:47,412
- Excuse me?
- Okay.
235
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,676
You know what, Kate, why don't
you run out to the car
236
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,242
and grab some of
your samples.
237
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:53,375
I think Alan would
love to see them.
238
00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:54,811
Yeah, sure.
239
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,683
Just hope they're not
too whore-ish.
240
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:00,382
Yeah, let's leave
that to Lady Gaga.
241
00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:05,517
Ow!
242
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,476
What the hell is
the matter with you?
243
00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:10,087
Me? She's the one who
paired an empire waist
244
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:11,915
with a Peter Pan collar!
245
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:14,483
You're supposed to
be a simple rich guy
246
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,528
not a gay Bruce Wayne.
247
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,923
Hey, you have your character,
I have mine.
248
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:22,622
Well, your character is
a festering heap of human waste!
249
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,711
I think we both know
if I had money
250
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,451
I'd be the biggest festering
heap of human waste
251
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,889
that ever lived!
252
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,979
All you have to do is tell
her that you wanna invest
253
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,589
and give her my $100,000.
254
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:35,939
Well, fine,
but velvet is whore-ish.
255
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:41,553
Okay, here we are.
Uh, let's see..
256
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:45,253
This is a cute, little shift
that goes from day to night.
257
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:47,124
- I love them all!
- What?
258
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,648
You-you haven't
even seen them.
259
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,954
I've seen all I
need to see, Kate.
260
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:53,217
I want to invest in
your line of clothing.
261
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:54,871
- Really?
- Yes!
262
00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:56,090
Now tell me,
what's our business plan?
263
00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:57,657
It depends,
if I had enough money
264
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,746
I'd put a show together
for Fashion Week in New York.
265
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,530
- That way I'd be able to--
- Sounds great.
266
00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,488
Pack your bags
for New York
267
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:07,667
because I'm gonna write
you a check for $50,000.
268
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:09,930
- What?
- What?
269
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:12,976
- Sam, did you hear that?
- Yeah, I did.
270
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:15,892
- What's this $50,000?
- I-I know it's a lot.
271
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:19,504
But I-I believe in her,
and I want to take a chance.
272
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,637
If you really believe in her,
maybe you'd..
273
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,160
Maybe you'd like
to invest more.
274
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,554
- Sam!
- No, no, no. He's right.
275
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:30,515
I'm gonna hate
myself for this.
276
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,692
But what the heck.
277
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:35,390
$60,000.
278
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:36,826
[laughing]
279
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,525
♪ Men ♪♪
280
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,879
I can't believe Alan
gave me a $100,000.
281
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:48,708
I can't believe it took him
two hours to do it.
282
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:51,798
Thank you.
283
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:54,365
What are you
thanking me for?
284
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,325
Because I know none of this
would've happened without you.
285
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:59,806
I just introduced you.
286
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,721
Your whore-ish velvet
did the rest.
287
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:02,765
[laughing]
288
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:08,205
You are the sweetest..
289
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,816
...most generous..
290
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,905
...open, giving..
291
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:14,385
caring, genuine person
I've ever met, Sam Wilson.
292
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:17,475
[chuckles]
That's me.
293
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:18,781
Good old, Sam Wilson.
294
00:12:21,479 --> 00:12:23,699
This whole thing
is incredible.
295
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:26,310
- I'm so excited.
- Yeah, me too.
296
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:31,185
- Are you sure?
- What do you mean?
297
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:33,840
Well, it just
seems like, um
298
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,103
Little Sam doesn't have
his head in the game.
299
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:39,497
Um, yeah.
300
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,025
Maybe I just
need a minute.
301
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,287
Okay.
302
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,772
Do you think I'm fat?
303
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:53,947
♪ Men ♪♪
304
00:12:58,647 --> 00:12:59,996
♪ Men ♪♪
305
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:12,530
- Alan, wake up.
- Mm, what, what?
306
00:13:14,402 --> 00:13:18,710
Walden! What-what am I
doing in your bed? I..
307
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,017
I-I must have been
sleepwalking, I..
308
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,803
Alright, just relax, Alan,
I just want to talk.
309
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,283
What's going on?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
310
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,155
I-I haven't been
able to sleep.
311
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:31,506
In-In fact, my whole
life is falling apart.
312
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:34,683
I'm like, I'm losing my hair,
I'm gaining weight
313
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:36,816
I'm all itchy and twitchy, I..
314
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:40,254
I-I haven't had a solid
stool in a week.
315
00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:43,561
So far, you're describing
my typical Tuesday.
316
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:45,955
The-The worst part is..
317
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,609
...I can't get an erection.
318
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,699
[sighs]
Alright, just let
me brush my teeth.
319
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,616
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, uh..
320
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:03,712
- What?
- What?
321
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:07,107
Oh, uh, yeah, you know, I'm kind
of I'm kind of half-asleep.
322
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:10,240
Yeah, wow. Wow, that's a..
That is a problem.
323
00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:12,025
Yeah, yeah.
324
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:19,075
Has this ever happened
to you before?
325
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:22,862
Oh, me? No, no.
I, uh, I have amazing control.
326
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:24,602
Wait-wait,
watch-watch this.
327
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,129
Got an erection.
328
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:33,960
Now it's gone.
329
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,964
Back.
330
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,182
Gone.
331
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,271
- Are you done?
- Back.
332
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,232
Gone.
333
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:49,627
Look, every guy has this
happen at some point.
334
00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:52,326
It's never happened to me before
and it's driving me crazy.
335
00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:54,589
It's possible that the problem
is not in your pants.
336
00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:56,460
Oh, no, no, no, no.
337
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:59,246
The problem is
definitely in my pants.
338
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,857
No, look at you,
the stress of living a lie
339
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,728
is causing you
to just fall apart.
340
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:07,123
- You're binge eating.
- No, I am not binge eating.
341
00:15:07,210 --> 00:15:10,126
You get a free candy bar
when you buy four corn dogs.
342
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:13,695
That's just
smart shopping.
343
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,827
This all started
when you became Sam Wilson
344
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,134
and I submit to you
that he's the one
345
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,180
who can't pop his weasel,
not Walden Schmidt.
346
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,443
Why don't you just
tell Kate the truth?
347
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:25,402
I'm afraid if I'm honest
with her now
348
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,187
she'll just leave me.
349
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:29,189
Okay, if you want
your boner back
350
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:31,234
you're gonna have to,
tell her the truth
351
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,280
and trust that
the strength of your love
352
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:34,281
will carry you through..
353
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:35,673
Or?
354
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,154
Or you're gonna
need a little help.
355
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:39,764
Alright, go brush
your teeth.
356
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:45,901
I'm kidding!
357
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:48,860
[laughing]
Yeah, yeah.
358
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:49,992
'Cause-'cause
that'd be weird.
359
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,733
[laughing]
360
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,301
Look, what I meant was
that I happen to know
361
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:57,043
a 65-year-old man who'll give
you a stiffy in no time.
362
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,438
Okay, that also
sounded weird.
363
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:04,833
And it's back!
364
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:08,619
♪ Men ♪♪
365
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:10,665
Alright, Walden,
how hard do you want it?
366
00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:14,016
Redwood tree, tungsten steel
or Chinese algebra?
367
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:16,497
I'm not looking
to frighten anybody.
368
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:20,980
Really? I like eyes to widen
when I unsheathe the sword.
369
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:23,983
Well, tell you what.
370
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,463
I'll put together
a little grab bag for you.
371
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:29,292
I got one of those.
I call it "Boner roulette."
372
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:30,859
You never know
what you're gonna get
373
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:32,382
but you're a
wiener every time.
374
00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:33,470
[laughing]
375
00:16:33,557 --> 00:16:34,776
I'm gonna start you off
376
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,560
with a couple of
pink ones here.
377
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:39,128
These are good for
a mid-week quickie.
378
00:16:39,215 --> 00:16:42,436
And these green ones
I recommend for solo work.
379
00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:47,180
Oh! This one I call "Ouch."
380
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,703
That's her, not you.
381
00:16:48,790 --> 00:16:50,226
Oh, oh,
the purple ones.
382
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,272
I couldn't remember
where I lived.
383
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:54,013
Knocked on every door
in the neighborhood
384
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,275
and not with my hand.
385
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,888
And, Walden, this last one
I'm throwing in here, um
386
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:02,325
just take half of it,
because, technically
387
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,892
it's "Only for horses."
388
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:09,289
Don't-don't I need
a prescription for these?
389
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:11,334
What are you, a cop?
390
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,857
Don't worry, Russell,
he's cool.
391
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:16,122
Okay, well,
there you go.
392
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:18,211
And since you're
a friend of a friend
393
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:21,518
I should read you
the possible side effects.
394
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,955
"Headaches, dry mouth,
blurred vision, facial flushing
395
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,870
"inflamed bursa sac,
vertigo, fits of rage
396
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:27,611
"homicidal, patricidal,
matricidal
397
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,744
"and suicidal thoughts,
stroke, anal leakage
398
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:32,181
"explosive diarrhea,
nipple discoloration, death
399
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:34,096
and difficulty
achieving an erection."
400
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,535
Huh, that explains
my yellow nipples.
401
00:17:40,581 --> 00:17:42,191
You know what? I..
402
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:45,151
Maybe I'll just go with
the basic little blue pill.
403
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,414
Well, suit yourself, Sally.
404
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:51,461
Here you go.
Don't want these to go to waste.
405
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,855
That little waitress down
at Ruby Tuesday's is never
406
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:55,248
gonna know what hit her.
407
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:01,428
♪ Men ♪♪
408
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,607
Sam?
409
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:12,265
- What's going on?
- Guess who's back.
410
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:15,442
Well, hello! I haven't
seen you in a while.
411
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:18,836
Hey, Kate, I've missed you.
412
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:23,319
Okay, that's creepy.
I'm gonna stop doing that.
413
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,496
Good, because I can't stay
and I wouldn't want you
414
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,281
to think it's because
I wasn't enchanted
415
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:29,717
by your talking penis.
416
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,371
Where you going?
417
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,329
I actually just came back
to grab some designs.
418
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:36,419
Plus, I've got a million things
to do before I leave tomorrow.
419
00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:39,509
But I promise when I get back
I'll make it up to you.
420
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:40,597
And you!
421
00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:44,514
We'll be here.
422
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:45,733
[door closing]
423
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,389
Hold me.
424
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:53,523
Shut up.
425
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,830
Come on, we both
know how this ends.
426
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,051
♪ Men ♪♪
427
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:04,621
Are you sure you don't want
a ride to the airport?
428
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:09,191
- No, Alan's sending a limo.
- He's a class act.
429
00:19:09,278 --> 00:19:12,325
Yeah, I just, I just feel
like I should come with you.
430
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:14,370
Sam, I would love
for you to come
431
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,720
but I just wouldn't feel
right spending Alan's money
432
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,983
to fly my boyfriend
across the country.
433
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,377
And it's not like you
or I have the money.
434
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:24,598
What if I told you
I had plenty of money?
435
00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:27,862
I would ask you why you didn't
help me instead of Alan.
436
00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,517
That would be
a fair question.
437
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,910
Honey, you are so sweet.
438
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:34,477
And hopefully one day
439
00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:36,958
money won't be
an issue for us.
440
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,264
I hope you're right.
441
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,440
[cellphone beeping]
442
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:42,442
Oh! That's the car.
I got to go.
443
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:51,102
Um, good luck.
444
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,495
I'll miss you.
445
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:53,888
I love you, Sam.
446
00:20:01,112 --> 00:20:02,853
My name is Walden Schmidt.
447
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:05,900
I'm a billionaire.
448
00:20:07,684 --> 00:20:08,859
I love you too.
449
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,385
I don't care
what your name is.
450
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:19,435
♪ Men ♪♪
451
00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:25,093
♪ Men ♪♪
452
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,573
[knock on door]
453
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:31,578
Hello?
454
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:35,277
- Walden?
- 'Alan?'
455
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,061
[Walden]
'What do you want?'
456
00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,976
I'm just checking
up on you, buddy.
457
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,935
[Walden]
'I'm fine! Go away!'
458
00:20:41,022 --> 00:20:43,720
Uh, are you sure?
I haven't seen you in a while.
459
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:44,982
[Walden]
'I'm fine!'
460
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:53,513
- Why is it so dark in here?
- 'Alan, no!'
461
00:20:57,778 --> 00:21:00,781
Holy...fat!
462
00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:03,479
Don't judge me.
463
00:21:05,481 --> 00:21:08,092
You didn't, by chance,
bring any nacho cheese, did you?
464
00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:12,706
♪ Men ♪♪
465
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,539
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
466
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:22,759
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
467
00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:25,719
♪ Men men men men manly men ♪
468
00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:27,721
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪
469
00:21:27,808 --> 00:21:31,115
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
470
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,640
♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪
471
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:34,858
♪ Ha-ah ah ♪
472
00:21:34,945 --> 00:21:35,946
♪ Men ♪♪
33944
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