All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S10E11 - Give Santa a Tail-Hole (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

I am determined to find someone
who wants to be with me

for who I am
not what I have.

I need to buy a little
bit of everything.

I can help you out with that.

I appreciate it...Kate.

Not a problem..

Sam Wilson.

It's refreshing

talking to someone like you
for a change.

- Someone like me?
- Yeah

Someone who's not constantly
trying to impress me

with how much stuff he's got.

Kate, this is my friend Alan.

Thanks so much
for pickin' us up.

Yeah, this clown
rents a room from me

suddenly I'm running
a taxi service.

You should move out.

Can't afford to.

Maybe you could crash here.

Have you really
thought this through?

I've gotta see
where this goes with Kate.

- Promise me one thing.
- What's that?

That we're always honest
with each other.

You got it.

♪ Men ♪♪

Anyways, I hope that it's okay

that I have people
over on Christmas.

It's just Jake
and Lyndsey and my mom.

Of course.
It's the holidays.

It's the time to be
with the ones you love.

Right. Uh, and my mom.

So, uh, so listen, Sam Wilson,
how are things in Poorville?

Are you "Les Miserables?"

Actually, it's a hoot.

You know, last night
Kate and I went shopping

at the 99 Cent Store.

That place is amazing.

Did you know that everything
there is 99 cents?

Know it, I registered
there for my wedding.

Two cans of peaches- 99 cents.
Four-pack of yogurt- 99 cents.

This owl-shaped mug?

99 cents.

Guess how much
the wine inside was?

Uh, I'm going to go out
on a limb and say 99 cents?

79 cents.

Dented box.

From now on, I'm buying
everything from that place.

Uh, not condoms.

I think that's how
I ended up with Jake.

- Hey.
- Hey, baby.

- Uh, I gotta go.
- Oh, hey, Katie.

Alan.
How are you?

I'm fine, just, uh...
sipping some wine I got

at the 999 Dollar Store.

Bye, Alan.

Douche.

Don't worry about him.

How was your day?

It's Christmas, Sam.

Happy people wishing you
"Peace on Earth."

- It was horrible.
- Okay.

Somebody's got
a case of the grinches.

No, it's a case
of nine-hour shifts

listening to Celine Dion
murder "O Holy Night."

If I ever meet
that skinny bitch

I'm going to beat
the "O Holy" crap out of her.

And that's what Christmas
is all about.

I'm sorry.

Tell me about your day.

After you left,
I made some breakfast..

Oh, I got the mail.

And then I did some work on
that app I've been developing

and then I did some serious
research on World War II.

Really?

I fell asleep watching
the History Channel.

Sweetie, can I be
honest with you?

Yeah. What's up?

I am working my ass off.

It would be really,
really nice if you could

I don't know,
pitch in a little.

You heard the part about me
getting the mail, right?

You do understand that what came
in the mail is a pile of bills?

I mean, I think it is great
that you're working

on your computer stuff
but we need help now.

I get it.
Say no more.

I'll start
looking for a job.

Thank you.

And don't worry, it's not like
I expect you to make

a million dollars or anything.

Oh, thank God.

[cell phone ringing]

Go ahead.
I'm going to go run a bath.

I reek of comfort and joy.

Hey, Billy. What's up?

Nothing much, just running
our company while you take

some personal time.

Why don't you just man up
and admit you're in rehab?

I am not in rehab.
I told you.

I'm on a spiritual journey.

Spiritual journey.
Yeah, you know what?

I've been on four of those.
I still wake up craving meth.

I call it "Eat, Pray, Love

"have angry sex
with an Asian hooker."

What do you want, Billy?

[Billy]
'I'm just keeping you in the
loop about what's going on.'

We got new computers
in the bullpen.

We got a staple-less stapler.

Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy
a controlling interest

in the company for 800 million
and the redhead in marketing

is not wearing bras.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's a staple-less stapler?

I think we should
take his offer.

Billy, we built the Electric
Suitcase from the ground up.

I mean, besides,
we've been here before.

You hated the fact
that I sold our last company

and I've come to realize
that you were right.

I hated Tarnell, the gangster
who sold me crack

but I was still happy
to work with him.

I mean, look,
this is a good offer.

- We should take it.
- Okay.

Tell him 1.2 billion,
but we keep control.

Where do you think we're
going to get a better offer?

Bath's ready.
Want to join me?

I just got a better offer.
Good-bye.

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha-ah ah ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Mele kalikimaka
is the thing to say ♪

♪ On a bright Hawaiian
Christmas day ♪

♪ That's the island greeting
that we send to you ♪

♪ From a land
where palm trees sway ♪

♪ Here we know.. ♪♪ Here we know that Christmas ♪

♪ Will be green
and bright ♪

Geez! You scared me.
I nearly dropped the champagne.

Where did you get money
to buy champagne?

You left some for me.

- For emergencies.
- Yeah.

We were out of champagne.

So, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here
in my house?

Uh, uh, I'm sorry,
let me rephrase that.

Uh, uh, great to see you.
What brings you by?

I'm doing laundry
for Kate and me.

Really?
You did laundry.

- No, I did laundry.
- Thank you.

So, you're, like,
some sort of kept man, huh?

Well, I'm supposed
to be out job hunting

but it's kind of hard
since Sam Wilson

doesn't actually exist.

I can help you there.

Five grand will get you
a clean Social Security card

and a new set
of fingerprints.

- Six will get you the fingers.
- The fingers?

Better to have and not need
than to need and not have.

Hey, uh, why don't you
just go to an ATM

pull out a few thousand dollars
and tell her you got a job?

But that would be lying.

Oh, no, you wouldn't want
to lie to her, Sam Wilson.

Let me explain something
to you, Alan.

Walden Schmidt lies.

Sam Wilson tells the truth.

Besides, I like
Sam Wilson's life.

It feels more like..
I don't know, real life.

Yeah, I get that.

That's why I like
to sleep in your bed.

Feels more like a...real bed.

Oh, and get this.

I got a call from Billy today.

We got an offer to buy
our company for $800 million.

Excuse me a sec.

$800 million!

Yeah.
We turned it down.

You turned it down.

♪ Men ♪♪

Check it out.

[Kate]
'Oh, Sam.'

I hope you stole that.

It wasn't that expensive.

We barely made rent
this month.

I know,
but it's Christmas.

You don't have to tell me.

I'm earning extra money

by making a Santa outfit
for my boss' labra-doodle.

Aw, that's cute.

Then I'm gonna make
three wise men costumes

for her cats.

And just like that,
cute becomes creepy.

Okay, I'm going
to go change.

I've gotta lead
on a job.

- Really?
- Yeah.

If that doesn't work,
I'm gonna rob a bank.

I hope the 99 Cent Store
sells ski masks.

- Oh, man.
- What?

I forgot to give Santa
a tail-hole.

Worst Christmas carol ever.

♪ Men ♪♪

[computer beeping]

- Hey, dad.
- Hey, buddy.

You excited about Christmas?

Yeah, that's actually
why I was calling.

I'm not gonna be able
to make it home this year.

What? Why?

My girlfriend Tammy Sue
asked me to spend Christmas

with her and her three kids.

I'm pretending to be Santa
and also their various fathers.

Oh, kill me.

H-H-How did you meet this woman?

I play softball
with her parole officer.

Oh, dig me up and kill me again.

Alright, well,
I hope I see you soon.

Don't worry,
we'll all come visit

as soon as Tammy Sue
gets her ankle bracelet off.

That will be a magical day.

Yeah. Alright.
Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye.

Merry Christmas, Jake.

[sighs]

Time now for the magic
of bourbon.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hi.

I was here earlier.
I bought a tree.

Uh, I was hoping I could talk
to you about something else.

If somebody told you
I'm selling pot here

that is just crazy talk.

Uh, no.
I saw the "Help wanted" sign.

- I was hoping to get a job.
- Oh. Have a seat.

You got any, uh,
Christmas tree experience?

Well, I-I've
decorated a bunch.

Experience- none.

Wait, it's selling
Christmas trees.

Pop quiz, hot shot.

A mom walks in,
she's driving a Lexus.

She's got a big living room,
cathedral ceiling.

What are you pushing?
Balsam? Noble? Doug fir?

- Uh--
- Enh!

You're out of time.

She's across the street
buying a 20-footer..

...from the Armenian.

Are you comfortable
with celebrities?

- What do you mean?
- We get a lot of big names.

Mario Lopez buys
his tree here every year.

I don't want you getting
all jelly-legged.

Alright, look. I'm young,
I'm strong and I need the money.

I'll work really hard
and I won't let you down.

I'll give you seven bucks
an hour, plus tips.

Minimum wage is eight.

Look at my shoes.

- What about them?
- Where are they?

Under the table..
Oh.

- I'm in.
- When can you start?

- Right now.
- A man with no life.

I like it.

I'll go get you
some gloves.

[cell phone ringing]

By the way, your cell phone's
like your penis.

When you're at work,
you keep it in your pants.

Hey, Billy, I'm kind of busy.

I'm not in rehab.

Relax, Zuckerberg
is not going to walk.

Just sit tight and we'll
get the number we want.

I got to go.
Bye.

Alright, here you go.

Oh, and, uh, by the way

If somebody comes looking
for a Jamaican Christmas tree

you send them to me.

Yah, man.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

[machine whirring]

- I got a job.
- As what?

Prancer, the reindeer stripper?

- Nope. Selling Christmas trees.
- You're kidding.

Yeah.

- Already sold nine trees.
- Nice.

Yeah, it's the first night,
and I'm getting the stink eye

from the other salesman, Jose.

He only sold six, but the guy
crushes it with wreathes.

Check it out, made enough
on tips to get us Chinese food.

Aw, you really know how to take
care of your lady, Rudolph.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't get
the nose until I sell 50 trees.

Shall we open
a fresh box of wine?

No.
No, no, no, no!

Oh, switching to soda.

My sewing machine,
it just died on me.

Okay, no problem.
Sewing machines can be fixed.

No, it's gonna cost
more to fix it

than I'll make on this job.

Okay, it's not a problem.
Look at the bright side.

Somewhere in the world, there's
a labra-doodle and three cats

that get to keep their dignity.

I wish that made me
feel better.

I got something that will
make you feel better.

- Let's dance.
- What?

There's no music.

I'll sing.

♪ Oh, holy night ♪

♪ The stars were
brightly shining.. ♪

[giggling]

I love you, Sam.

I hate that song.

But I love you.

I love you.

- Did we just..
- Yep, I think we did.

[both giggling]

I got something else that will
make you feel better.

Yeah?

Let's get naked..

...and play some
reindeer games.

Are you gonna leave
those antlers on?

Oh, yeah.

♪ Men ♪♪

Okay, drive slow.
Stick to the side streets.

- Well, you are a natural, kid.
- Ah.

You remind me
of a young me.

Except you're a little taller
and better-looking.

Probably straight.

Where-where we going
with this?

Apparently nowhere.

Alright.
Christmas on three.

One, two, three.

- Christmas.
- Christmas.

I did not see that coming.

Walden.

- Oh, hey.
- Or should I say "Sam?"

- Billy, how'd you find me?
- Oh, it's easy.

You told Alan
you were working here.

You swore him to secrecy.
I gave him 100 bucks.

Bam, here I am.

- You wanna buy a tree?
- No, no.

I want to sell our company
to Mark Zuckerberg.

He has upped his offer
to $950 million.

Wow, that's a lot of money.

You know, I could probably get
you into this eight-foot cypress

from Oregon for 50 bucks
off the sticker price.

$950 million.
We can buy Oregon.

Look at how uptight you are.

I mean, you should get a job
here with me selling trees.

It's stress-free, I mean
everybody leaves here happy

some people really happy
with a case of the munchies.

Walden, let me just call
Zuckerberg and close the deal.

You can close the deal at 1.2
for 49% of the company.

- I'm not giving up control.
- You're crazy, alright?

You are bat-crap
freaking crazy.

I've never been so sane
in my entire life.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I've got a red, blinking nose
to live up to.

♪ Men ♪♪

[computer beeping]

- Well, there's my Mrs. Claus.
- Hey, Alan.

Uh, good news, my mother bailed.

She's having something
rejuvenated, don't ask what.

I did and haven't been able
to eat or sleep since.

Jake is with his girlfriend
and her 17 kids

so, it's just you and me, kiddo.

I have some bad news.

I'm not gonna be
here for Christmas.

- What?
- I have to go to Cleveland.

My grandma fell down
and broke her hip.

Big deal, old people
do that all the time.

It's like a cold with them.

Can't your grandfather
take care of her?

- He's dead.
- Man, I can't catch a break.

We can celebrate
when I get back.

Sure, nothing says Christmas
like January 3rd.

I'm sorry, Alan.
I don't have a choice.

I know.
It's okay.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Sometimes she can be so selfish.

Alright, I'm out of here.

[sighing]

[sighing]

I'm gonna hate myself
for asking.

What's wrong?

Well, all my Christmas plans
have fallen apart.

I-I'm gonna be all alone.

Yeah, that's rough.

Happy holidays, Zip.

[line ringing]

[male #1]
'Hello, thank you for calling
the suicide hotline.'

'All our counselors are busy'

'but your call is
very important to us.'

'Please hold.'

["Jingle Bells" music]

♪ Men ♪♪

Sam?

Sorry, babe.
I didn't mean to wake you up.

- How was work?
- My body aches.

My hands are blistered.
I can hardly feel my feet.

It was awesome.

I wish I felt that way
about my job.

Yeah, but your job's
just a way to get by

until you get your
big break as a designer.

I've been getting by
for three years now.

What if it never happens?

I mean, for God's sakes

I don't even have
a sewing machine that works.

You got a boyfriend
that does.

Did you sell
more wreaths than Jose?

[scoffs]
No.

That guy is
a wreath-selling machine.

He sold one to a guy
without a door.

Aw.

Is that a mistletoe?

It's supposed to be.

It's actually broccoli.

I thought it'd be romantic.

It is.

- You wanna..
- Oh, no, hell, no.

Thank God.

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ I have no gift to bring ♪

♪ Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ I have no friends or life ♪

♪ Pah-rum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Rum-pum-pum-pum ♪

Look at you.

Drunk as your brother
and none of the charm.

- Berta?
- I got chicken and beer.

- You came back for me.
- Oh, alright, calm down.

- You love me, don't you?
- I pity you.

Close enough.

♪ Men ♪♪

You got good taste.

I took home a tree
just like this last week.

I don't know, 90 bucks
is a little bit

more than I want to spend.

What do you think, sweetheart?
You like Doug?

His name is Doug?

His name is Douglas,
but his friends call him Doug.

You know what I like about him?
He's tree-mendous.

Daddy, I want Doug.

Oh, you don't want
to disappoint your daughter

here on Christmas Eve.

Excuse me,
Mr. Tree Salesman.

What do you want?
I'm trying to close a deal here.

So am I, I have Mark freaking
Zuckerberg on the phone.

- Is he at 1.2?
- He's at a billion.

Alright now, Walden,
think about that number.

You know how when you say
someone's one in a million?

You could have
a thousand of them

but we have to give
him an answer.

You tell him 1.2 for 49%
of the company

and I'll throw in a wreath.

Suck it, Jose.

- What do you think?
- I'll give you 30 bucks.

- Seventy.
- Forty.

One point one,
Don't make me bitch-slap you

in front of this child.

1.2.

Sixty-five, and I'll flock it
for you myself.

- Fifty.
- Sixty, I'll throw in a stand.

It's Christmas Eve.
You're not gonna move this tree.

One point one five,
you say "Yes" or I will

shove that nose up
your blitzen.

One point two.

It's Christmas Eve,
and Santa needs a tree to put

the presents under.

- Fifty-five, final offer.
- One point two.

- Sold, sold.
- Yay!

[grunting]

Oh, you did it,
you magnificent bastard.

Really? Him, not me?

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Who is this for?

"To Kate, from Santa."

I have a horrible feeling
this breaks our $20 rule.

Open it.

Okay.

Oh, my God, Sam.

A sewing machine?

How can you afford this?

Let's just say
I had a very good day

at the Christmas tree lot.

You like it?

I love it.

I feel kind of stupid
about the scarf now.

Are you kidding me?

This..
You made this yourself.

This is the best gift
I've ever gotten.

Maybe later you can sew me
a little tail-hole.

- Merry Christmas, Sam.
- Oh, wait.

Look what else Santa brought.

Broccletoe.

[laughing]

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Ha-ah ah ♪

♪ Men ♪♪