All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S10E10 - One Nut Johnson (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

♪ Men ♪♪

Oh, incoming,
3 o'clock.

Wow.

If I were available,
I'd be all over that.

So being unavailable is the only
thing that's stopping you?

Well, that and her obvious,
but unvoiced contempt for me.

- Why don't you make a move?
- Aw, what's the point?

Let's say I start talking
to her, and we hit it off.

And by "hit it
off," you mean

hit it off.

More unvoiced
contempt. Hmm.

I can voice it if you'd like.

No thanks.

What do you think is gonna
happen as soon as she finds out

how much money I have
in the bank?

She's gonna want you
to make a deposit.

And there's the problem.

I-I see no problem.

Okay. It's not me
that she'd be interested in.

It's what I can do for her.
It's the lifestyle.

So what? You
still got laid.

[chuckles]
Trust me, it gets old.

It's like having
a magic golf club

every time you take a shot,
the ball just goes in the hole.

Oh, yeah!
Ker-plunk!

Okay, apparently, you
need a demonstration.

And no more alcohol.

Hi.

I'm Walden Schmidt.

Hello.

That's Schmidt,
S-C-H-M-I-D-T.

Uh, okay. It's nice
to meet you, Walden.

I'm Susan. S-U-S-A-N.

Can I buy you
a drink, Susan?

No, thanks. I'm waiting
for some friends.

- No problem.
- Excuse me.

Hmm. There goes your theory.
You struck out!

Au contraire,
mon frere.

Right now, she's heading
into the bathroom.

What do you think
she's doing in there?

Uh, I'm guessing tinkle.
Girls poop at home.

No. She's wondering,
"Why did he spell his last name?

Maybe I should know who he is."

So, now, she's taking out
her phone and Googling me.

Oh, I tried that once, and I
dropped my phone in the toilet.

Fortunately, it was right
after a courtesy flush.

The first hit on my name
is the "Forbes" 500 website

at which point in time
she finds out

exactly how much money I make

she forgets to go
to the bathroom

along with everything
she learned in Sunday school

slaps on some lipstick
and comes back into the bar.

Wow.

She probably unbuttons
one button on her blouse..

..and..

You know what?

I changed my mind
about that drink.

I still don't
see the problem.

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Huh-huh ♪

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

Can't believe you're coming home
with me instead of that girl.

Not that I'm
not flattered.

And not that I'm not willing
to do things.

Just because a woman
wants to have sex with me

doesn't mean I want
to have sex with her.

Okay, I hear the words
coming out of your mouth

I just don't
understand them.

It's-it's like watching
HBO in Spanish.

Well, look, call me crazy,
but I am determined to find

someone who wants to be with me
for who I am, not what I have.

Hola, bienvenidos
a HBO en Espanol.

Come on.
I-I bet you have no doubt

as to whether or not Lyndsey
loves you.

- I would guess that's true.
- You don't have to guess.

You have no money,
no house, no future, no--

Okay, okay!
Talking past the sale.

But if you think my life
is so great, be my guest.

- Take it.
- What?

Pretend to be me. I can't
tell you how many times

I've pretended to be you.

And-and not just you. Uh, I've
also pretended to be

a, uh, a thoracic surgeon

uh, a movie producer,
a stockbroker

uh, and on one occasion,
a hand model.

- A hand model?
- Blind girl.

Long story,
didn't end well.

My point is, you can be
whoever you want to be.

[scoffs]
Never thought
about it like that.

Of course not.

Why would Superman
want to be Clark Kent?

Okay. Know what?
I'm gonna do this.

First thing I need to do is
create an online presence

for my fictional self.

Mm. That's good.
I usually just throw ketchup

on some scrubs
and say I came from surgery.

Okay. Let's start by creating
a Facebook page.

Uh, alright, if I was
a struggling, broke-ass guy

what would my name be?

Oh, and keep in mind,
Alan Harper's already taken.

Ooh! Uh, h-how about
Derek Slade?

Uh, that's a
little gay.

Um...Preston Burbank?

That's just gay from
a different decade.

Um...Joey Proccosini.

Sounds like the guy
that made Preston Burbank

his prison bitch.

Oh, uh-uh, how about, uh,
how about your porn name?

My porn name?

You know, when you
want to know

what your name would be
as a porn star

you use the name
of your first pet

and the street you grew up on.

Unfortunately, I would be
Rusty Knob.

Mine would be
Snowball Honeysuckle.

That would be
a great porn name

if Disney Channel started
making adult movies.

No. It needs to be simple,
like something easy to believe.

- John Doe.
- No, it's too simple.

- Bob Doe.
- No.

It's got to be, like,
right down the middle.

- You know, like...Sam.
- Doe.

Wilson.
Sam Wilson.

Really? There's got to be, like,
a million Sam Wilsons.

No, exactly.I-I can
get lost in a crowd.

You know,
if somebody Googles me

they'll get
a butt load of responses.

Same thing happens
if you Google "Rusty Knob."

Just FYI, do not
hit "Images."

You won't sleep
for a week.

Okay, Sam Wilson,
let's create your life.

Male.

Straight.

Single.

One eighth
Apache Indian.

Mix it up a little.

♪ Men ♪♪

How have I never
heard of this place?

I mean, where else can you buy
pants, shoes, lettuce

and a garden weasel
under one roof?

It gets better. On your way out,
you can get a flu shot

and a set of tires
at the same price.

This is..
Alright

what would a down-on-his-luck
Sam Wilson wear?

Oh! Maybe something fringed
to reflect his Indian heritage.

He's not joining
the village people.

Wait, check this out!

A dozen socks for $2.49.

That's 20 cents a pair.
That's ten cents a sock!

- I'm so getting these.
- But you-you don't wear socks.

Well, at these prices
I can't afford not to.

Alright, looks like you're
getting the hang of this place.

So, if you'll excuse me

I have a dentist appointment
on aisle three.

Oh! Don't forget to floss
on aisle two.

A leather jacket for $49.99?

Come to papa.

Whoa!
Sorry.

Yeah, hang on.
Let me just..

The jacket's on a leash.

I'll just unlock
the security cable here.

Okay, that's better.

That looks really
good on you.

I bet you've
said that before.

About 80 times a day, but...this
is the first time I've meant it.

Yeah, it's nice, but I..

I probably shouldn't. I mean,
for the price of this jacket

I can buy 240 pairs of socks.

And your Christmas
shopping is done.

Act surprised
when you open them.

Yeah, I, actually, I need to buy
a little bit of everything.

Okay, I can help you out
with that.

I appreciate it...Kate.

Not a problem..

Sam...Sam Wilson.

Alright, Sam Wilson.

Um, how about we
start with some..

...corduroy pants?

Eh, I'm not a big fan
of corduroy.

They're on sale,
two for $19.99.

People change.

♪ Men ♪♪

[Jake]
'Anyway, after it got
ripped off on the barbed wire'

we started calling him
"One Nut Johnson."

Uh...that's terrible.

Well, it could
have been worse.

An inch to the right
and he would have been

"No Johnson Johnson."

Um, uh, you know what? Why-why
don't we change the subject?

So, um, how-how are things
with your girlfriend?

Pretty good.
We're finally gonna

get some time alone
this weekend.

Her kids are gonna stay
with their dads.

"Dads"? Plural?

Yeah, well, before me,
she picked some real losers.

Sure, sure. Um, so..

...so what's it like,
dating someone with kids?

It's tough.
They're pretty protective.

I mean, I'm the guy
dating their mom.

Makes sense.

But her oldest son's
pretty cool. He buys me beer.

how-how old is this woman?

Back off, dad. She's taken.

No, no, I wasn't..
I'm..

You know what?
I'll-I'll talk to you later.

- Okay. Bye, dad.
- Bye.

Yeah...she picked
a real winner this time.

[Walden]
'Check it out.'

Whoa! You look like me when I
Photoshop my head on your body.

I've never done that.

Head to toe, including
undergarments, $32.

[whistling]

Plus the haircut, $232.

- Nice.
- Oh!

Check this out.

[velcro rips]

- Velcro. Very classy.
- It's got a change pouch.

Ooh, you got
the deluxe model.

I still can't believe we both
went to the superstore

you got a hot date and I got a
root canal on the wrong tooth.

I didn't get a date.
Sam Wilson got a date.

You know what?

- Switch watches with me.
- Why?

'Cause Sam Wilson doesn't
have a $50,000 watch.

Ah, of course.
Here you go.

Casio?

I had this watch
in seventh grade!

So did I.

Okay. Oh, you know what?
We should also switch cars.

Yes! Yes. Oh, and you know
what else we should do?

Uh, you should deposit all
your money in my bank account.

Just trying to help
you out, buddy.

- Thank you.
- Oh, where you taking her?

This, uh, Italian place
in Santa Monica. DiFilipo's.

Oh, you are in luck.
I have a coupon.

[velcro rips]

Buy one entree,
get one free.

Sweet. Thanks.

And remember, uh, poor guys
don't valet park

unless they're wearing
a red vest.

Got it.

Wow.
$50,000.

What is wrong with me that I
want to masturbate with this on?

Nothing.

♪ Men ♪♪

For a man on a budget,
this is a little pricey.

Oh, don't worry.
I have a coupon.

[velcro rips]

Sexy.

So, Sam,
tell me about yourself.

There's not much to tell.

Uh, I was born in Iowa.

At age seven, I was taken
away from my parents

and trained to be a
government assassin.

- Intriguing.
- Oh, it gets better.

It wasn't our government.

And I only found out later,
they weren't my parents.

[laughs]

Which made killing them
that much easier.

Tell me about you.

Well, I had
a fairly typical childhood

in Riverside, California

until my parents were killed
by an assassin.

I've spent the rest of my life
tracking him down

and here we are.

- Gulp.
- Bang.

[laughs]

Well, the Riverside
part's true

and then I spent two years
in New York studying fashion.

Then I came out here to design
clothes for the movies.

And how did that go?

I designed this dress and wore
it to the movies.

- So the dream is still alive.
- Indeed it is.

I got to tell you,
it's refreshing

talking to someone like you
for a change.

Someone like me?

Yeah, someone who doesn't
take himself too seriously

and who's not constantly
trying to impress me

with how much stuff he's got.

What, so, wait, my coupon
didn't impress you?

[laughs]

Well, I don't
have much stuff.

What you see is
what you get.

And so far
I like what I see.

I like what I see.

Such a shame I'm gonna
have to kill you.

Too late. I already
poisoned your wine.

[laughs]

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

- Okay, you see the Big Dipper?
- Yeah.

Alright, you see the
last star on the handle?

Follow that five stars
to the right.

- Okay.
- Up three.

- Got it.
- Two to the left and down one.

- Uh-huh.
- That's my star.

I got it for Christmas
when I was 12 years old.

- That's sweet.
- Yeah, sure, now.

When I was 12,
I wanted a dirt bike.

Can't pop a wheelie
on a star.

[laughs]

I'm kind of glad
your car broke down.

Me, too.

You want to make
a wish on my star?

I already did.

[car horn blaring]

For crying
out loud, Sam

when you going to buy
a decent car?

♪ Men ♪♪

Kate, this is
my friend Alan.

Thanks so much
for picking us up.

Yeah, this clown rents
a room from me

suddenly I'm running
a taxi service.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
My car is a piece of crap.

Of course, I don't do
myself any favors

by never changing
the oil, ever.

Well, I like your car.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Uh, so Sam tells me
you have a beach house.

I do. I do.
It's gorgeous.

Uh,
it very expensive

but I bought it at the
bottom of the market

and then I sold it and bought it
again at the top of the market

simply because I can.

Well, I'm sure at some point
you'll sell it again

and we'll go
our separate ways.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm gonna die in that house.

Oh, and, uh, that reminds me,
uh, your rent is late again.

Right, I'll have it
for you tomorrow.

- Today would be better.
- Fine, today.

He's a good kid.

Give you the shirt
off his back.

It's a crappy shirt,
but he'll give it to you.

Oh, oh, would you
look at the time?

It is almost 10 o'clock.

I-I can tell
'cause the, uh

the big hand is near
the big diamond.

- Check it out.
- Yeah, it's nice.

Damn right.

So, Kate, Sam tells me
you're poor like him.

♪ Men ♪♪

I had a really
nice time tonight.

Me, too, but what's
with this guy Alan?

Oh, I'm sorry.

He recently came
into a lot of money

and he's not really
handling it well.

Not handling it well?
He's a big, fizzy douche.

I mean, the way
he was showing off his car.

Geez, how small is his penis?

Those two things
aren't always related.

Okay, I-I don't know,
that watch

is definitely overcompensating
for something.

Some people
just like nice stuff

even people
with really big penises.

Well, everyone
likes nice stuff

but he didn't have to be
such a jackass about it.

I know, but, I mean,
he's helping me out

letting me live with him.

I get it. It still doesn't give
him the right to treat you

the way he does.

- You should say something.
- Oh, I intend to.

You know, before he arrived,
I was about to do something.

So was I.

[horn blaring]

[Alan]
'Come on, Sam!'

'Time is money, and
you're out of both.'

You're right. He's
a big, fizzy douche.

♪ Men ♪♪

Hey, looking good.

Where you going?

Oh, I'm packing a picnic
for me and Kate.

We're going to a free concert
in the park.

It's a Van Halen
tribute band.

Well, actually,
it's not a band.

It's just a guy
named Dan Halen.

Unbelievable. You're having fun
living my life.

I've never
had that experience.

Well, it's all
because of Kate.

And the best part is,
she likes me for me.

Uh, technically,
she likes you for me.

Which is ironic 'cause
she doesn't like you at all.

- So, uh, what's the plan here?
- What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
this girl's been dating

Sam Wilson
for a couple of weeks.

When are you going to
introduce her to Walden Schmidt?

I don't know. Haven't really
thought that far ahead.

Actually, I'm kind of afraid
to think that far ahead.

How long do you think
you can keep up this

"Prince and the Pauper"
charade?

How long do you think you can
keep living here for free?

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

♪ Men ♪♪

[both exhales]

Well, that was
fun on a budget.

Yeah, we certainly got more
bang for our buck, didn't we?

[mobile beeps]

- Oh. I'm sorry. I just..
- Oh.

- Ah, great.
- Everything okay?

Yeah. Alan wants me
to pick up some hemorrhoid cream

on the way home.

Well, he is a
pain in the ass.

He's not that bad.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't
we ever spend the night

at his Malibu
beach house?

He doesn't like it
when I have guests.

Douche.

You should move out.

Can't afford to.

Well, um,
maybe you could crash here.

What...what are you saying,
like...move in?

Yeah, just until you have enough
money to afford your own place.

That might be a while.

I knew I shouldn't have bought
that Dan Halen T-shirt.

[laughs]

So, what, we'd be,
like, roommates?

With benefits.

Oh. I like the sound
of benefits.

Good, 'cause they include
washing the dishes

and taking out the trash.

Okay, clearly we differ
in our definition of "benefits."

[laughs]

- Can I think about it?
- By all means.

Okay, I got to tell you, you are
much better kisser than Alan.

♪ Men ♪♪

- Are you sure about this?
- Mm.

It's like Dan Halen says,
"Might as well jump."

Well, when are you
coming back?

I don't know.

Walden, have you really
thought this through?

I know it's crazy, but I got to
see where this goes with Kate.

Alright, I'm just concerned
about my friend.

I appreciate that.
I'm gonna be fine.

Mm. Good luck.

And, uh, don't worry
about anything here.

- Yeah. Thanks, buddy.
- Well, bye.

Bye.

Finally, you're mine!
You're all mine!

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men ♪♪

So my porn name would be
Snowball Honeysuckle.

[chuckles]
Oh, that is so cute.

I would download every
one of your films.

- What would yours be?
- Beebo Eighty-Ninth Street.

Guess it's
not a foolproof system.

Hey, I have
to ask you a question.

He was a fish.

Thanks, but no.
Um...why are you with me?

What kind of a
question is that?

I don't know. Just,
I don't have much to offer

and a beautiful,
smart girl like you

could probably get
any guy she wants.

But I did get
the guy I want.

Good answer.

- Just promise me one thing.
- What's that?

That we're always
honest with each other.

No secrets, no lies.

You got it.

- Goodnight, Kate.
- Goodnight, Sam.

- Kate?
- Yeah?

I'm a billionaire.

Of course you are,
Snowball.

Hey, you kids,
get off my beach!

♪ Men ♪♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ohh ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Men men men men
manly men men men ♪

♪ Huh-huh ♪

♪ Men ♪♪