All language subtitles for Paradise.Records.2025.WEB-DL.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.LT]

Paradise.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got Wu -Tang on 12 -inch, yeah.

Forever.

36 chambers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Only built for Cuban links.

Mm -hmm.

Okay. Yeah, I'll save it for you.

Okay. See you.

Pick up the phone.

I know you're listening to me right now.
Anyway, I'll be there later.

This is loan officer Banks from the
office of PsyCon and Associates

your call.

My assistant was able to move my
schedule around. I can squeeze you in

after lunch.

So I'll be expecting you. I'm feeling
good first time in a long time. A lot of

thoughts in my mind of the scary cons.

I used to fear senior year would have
been my prime, but I never graduated if

turned out fine.

Ow! Searching for something that I need
to find. If I think about dying all the

time. Life's fucking hard, but I'm
trying all the time. Damn, I'm on the

God's calling from the other lines.

But every time I pick up, I only hear
the devil. I don't give a damn. I don't

want to settle. I just want to live a
good life.

Die a good man like the bad motherfucker
I am. I won't deny it.

I've been living my life.

Not above giving. Can't deny it.

You can say what you want, but that's my
decision.

Deny it.

I've been living my life. Matter of
forgiveness.

Deny it. I'm gonna be a bad motherfucker
soon.

Yeah, stop kicking.

Stop kicking, y 'all.

Oh, what the fuck, T -Man? What you
doing in here, man?

Nigga, what the fuck are you doing in
here, nigga?

What are you talking about? I'm getting
ready, bro. For what? Nigga, RuPaul's

Drag Show?

I don't understand why you ain't knock.

Coop, there's no fucking door.

What you talking about? God created wood
and your knuckles for a motherfucking

reason. Use them. Just not. Just do me a
favor. Just go work. Can you just go

work? Go organize yesterday's shipment,
okay? Okay, nigga, shit.

Okay. Shit. Never had a family, but I
had friends.

If we're talking real life, I guess that
all depends.

I was thinking more Rachel and Monica.

Daydreams of living in Santa Monica. All
I ever knew of family was television.

Cause mine was doing hard drugs and
locked up in prison. I guess that's why

never made the same decision.

I haven't spoken to my mom in years. I
heard she found religion.

I'm just playing life like Atari.

I was never perfect. I'm fucked up. I'm
sorry. I'm human. My childhood was

fucked and it's looming over me. Every
time I think about it, I know I

be here where I stand.

I just want to live a good life.

Die a good man.

Like the bad motherfucker I am.

Yo, why is this shit on TV? You know I
hate the news, man.

It's always baby dies in car accident or
geriatric man falls down a flight of

ninjas or something.

Bro, you depressing the shit out your
boy right now.

Anyways, this shit came for you.

Final notice for what, nigga?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just this company let me know it's
the last time I can buy in bulk at that

price or whatever. It's not a big deal.

I see.

Well, can we talk about that funny dance
shit in the back, my nigga? What was

you doing dancing like that for anyway?

No, the real question is what the fuck
was you doing?

Excuse me, sir. What the fuck was you
doing all up in my shit?

You got to knock. And don't be upset. I
dance how I dance. I dance like a bad

bitch. You know what I'm saying? I bust
it open.

So why don't you get some manners,
nigga?

Nah, nigga, what you need is some
motherfucking dance lessons, my nigga,

your half -white side was for sure
showing in the back, nigga. That shit

shining, my nigga.

And why you say nigga like you scared to
say it, fool?

Remember, Coop, you a black man, nigga.

First of all, ow.

Second, you know, I'm bright -skinned.

What? You know, I'm incognito. What the
fuck is incognito, Coop?

It's actually this.

Uh, phrase I coined for a nigga that
looks white. Yeah, you right about that

shit, nigga. You do be looking white
than a motherfucker, like Food Network

white -ass nigga, Ziploc bag clear -ass
nigga.

You right about that shit, nigga.

Broccoli casserole looking ass. Look,
okay, fuck you, all right? All I'm

is I can't be running around saying
nigga all the time in front of a bunch

niggas that don't know I'm actually a
nigga. My nigga, I'll get fucked up.

You right, nigga. You almost caught
that. How you can... Right now, nigga.

lucky you my motherfucking cousin, too.
And I still don't know how you came out

my auntie looking like she drank bleach
at the bar for nine months, nigga. Hey,

guys. Happy Monday.

Oh, I'm sorry. You guys were talking
about the N -word again.

I can see myself out.

It's all good. What's up, Taylor?

Okay, I'm sorry to be Mr.

Difficult here, but I'm going to need
you to take care of that loose nail on

side of the front door walkway, man.

It's a freaking danger zone.

It's not a big deal. I'll get to it.
Whatever.

It's straight.

Nigga, it'll take five minutes.

Why, thank you, T -Man. That shit's been
there for three months, fool.

Somebody's going to call the police on
you. What is this three -way situation,

okay? I do not consent right now, all
right? Why are you all ganging up on me?

Chill out. So, yeah, you fellas want to
hear what I got into this weekend?

Nope. Definitely not. Well, first I saw
the new Astro Blaster movie.

Bro, why you always talking about that
fantasy shit? That shit's whack as fuck,

tables. Okay, T -Man, you were just mad
because you like sci -fi, and I happen

to find fantasy to be deeper than outer
space.

Nah, nigga, fuck that shit.

Fifth Element, Valerian, my nigga, Doom
with Timothy Chandelier, all that shit

poppin', nigga. But elves, hobbits,
wizards, Yoda and them niggas, all that

gay as fuck, bro. Ooh, how can you say
that?

What, niggas?

No. It only sound bad when fucking cops
say it and coops ask.

Hey, fuck you, man. No, the other one.

What, hobbits? Of course not, the other
one, the worst one.

What, table spit it out, fool? Okay, T
-Man, you can't just be running around

saying gay, okay?

Hobbits are gay as fuck. Yo, why are you
saying this shit all loud in front of

customers, man? Like, you can't, they're
gonna think it's homophobic. Yeah,

because it is.

Well, I mean, not really, you know, I
mean, faggot.

It's homophobic. But we don't be saying
that shit. I don't say that shit.

Bro, why you lying to this motherfucker
about that shit? You say faggot all the

time, fool. And I be saying that shit,
too. Nigga, we say it together all the

time, nigga.

Like, but when we saying, we don't mean
it like that, my nigga. Like, we just

talking shit, nigga. That's that hood
shit.

You know, when I say hobbits are gay,
nigga, I don't mean they're actually

fucking each other, cool? What the fuck
are you doing, man?

That's not what makes them gay, bro.

Damn, come to think about it.

A lone niggly elf's best friend returns
some jewelry?

That defines gay.

Whoa. They went to the ends of Mordor to
save an entire realm.

It's a little gay, but mostly, it's just
beautiful.

Boy, shut your high school musical
looking ass up.

I'll take that as a compliment.

I don't know why you talking shit. You
look like Olmec from Legends of the

Hidden Temple.

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick,
Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon.

You didn't even have cable, Coop, so I
don't even know how you watched that

shit. Yeah, how about this? Eat my ass.
How about that? Why don't you catch me

outside and eat my whole asshole? How
about that? Nigga, you just mad goddamn

your shadow blacker than your ass light
bright. First of all, you know that

strikes a chord with me. Second, you so
black, lightning bugs follow you in the

daytime.

Buckets. Sorry, that's a horrible throw.
I got weak wrists.

You so white, you goddamn, I can see
your thoughts. Nigga, them bitches is

transparent, Coop.

Goddamn. All right, that was pretty
good.

But, uh, I don't know.

You so black, you carry food stamps and
a money clip.

How about that?

Boy, nigga, you just mad bitter like
I'll hit your whole body at once,

Jackson.

Well, bro.

You look like you drop common loot when
you're defeated.

Oh, sorry.

That's Elvish for well done.

High five myself.

Hey, was you so white, you may coot like
Malcolm X, my nigga.

Oh, uh, hey, Melanie.

Oh, hey, Melanie. Oh, fuck you, T -Man.
Hi, Tafels.

How was your weekend?

It was really lucrative, actually, which
is good. What, you were streaming on

the Internet doing the only thing as
cheeky? I had a garage sale with my mom,

the complete opposite.

I'm just saying, goddamn, slide the
panties to the side or something on the

Internet. These motherfuckers paying for
that type of shit. Look, you ain't even

got to fucking work up in this bitch no
more, and you could probably show one

nipple, and that shit gonna pay your
rent for six months straight, I

it. No, I know, but I like working here.

Well, I don't.

Okay, well, I do, especially when I'm
not being told to, like... Show my

on camera. I was just suggesting
something lucrative that you could do

yourself. Entrepreneur type shit. There
are lots of other ways for women to make

money.

Like what?

Anyway, Melanie, did you get that
bracelet that you ended up wearing?

No. It's really sad. I was saving up for
it, and then on the way here this

morning, I was like, oh, I'm going to
see if it's in the window. It's not.

That's because the OnlyFans bitch
twerked her way in the window and stole

bitch right in front of your face. Hey,
what the fuck are y 'all doing?

I don't understand. I'm over here. I'm
slaving away in this motherfucker. What

is happening?

Sorry. Okay, can y 'all, can you sit
your way and get back to work possibly?

that okay, my lord?

What the fuck is this shit?

Oh, my God. You guys going to rip Duck
Hunt tonight?

Uh, yeah, actually. But I'm over the
ducks, you know? I want to go clay

That shit's way harder. All right, well,
whatever ducks you're killing, just

remember who holds the high score, okay?

Uh, yeah, whatever. You only have that
because the table spilled ginger ale all

over the system and fucked the cartridge
up. Okay, well, why don't we get him

some sippy cups so we don't have any
more excuses, okay?

Yeah, whatever.

So, uh...

How you doing? What's up in your world?

Uh, I'm okay.

I want to get out of my mom's house
because I'm 28.

You're going to need a better job if you
want your own spot and nice shit like

that bracelet or whatever you were
talking about. God, the bracelet. Don't

remind me.

Do you know the whole story with that?

Uh, no.

So I was out to lunch with Cable the
other day and we went by that jewelry

and I saw it in the window. This
bracelet was sort of made out of rubies

grandma used to wear.

She gave it to me when I was a kid
before she died.

I'm sorry. What happened to it?

I traded it for nachos from this girl at
Six Flags.

Oh,

you're serious? Yeah, I'm dead serious.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

So you and tables go to lunch often?
What the fuck is that about?

Not as often as I would like.

What? You like tables? Why? God.

Fucking like tables?

Tablet?

I just would have never guessed, you
know. He's built like a fucking swing

riding an Olsen twin.

He's just a nice guy, and he's really
sweet, and he's cute, and he likes

hobbits, which I think is adorable.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Imagine, like,
you guys do actually go out, and it's

like a year. A year has gone by in time,
and you're in love, and you leave some

kind of establishment.

What is this accent that you're doing?

And some, like, crazy -ass motherfucker
comes out with a .357 Magnum and points

it at y 'all. Like, where is his...

love of hobbits and shit gonna come in
handy then i mean i think the better

question is when is any guy's bullshit
gym routine gonna come in handy against

bullet you know what i mean why are you
so upset you're my boss why do you give

a shit about whether i like guys for
their body or for their personalities i

wouldn't say i'm upset i just i find it
really hard to believe that you know a

cute girl like yourself with the pick of
the lot doesn't want somebody who's

like

team jacob shredded team jacob you know
like stallone like fucking just like

adrian yo yo melanie like you could have
that guy sure this is the

thing look we're all gonna look like
shit one day right we're all gonna be

when we're old you know what i mean i'm
ugly right now exactly so would you

rather be with somebody that you like
because they have a rockin' bod and you

spend all this time with them and you
grow old together and you detest the

person they are underneath, you know,
Jesus' abs and Jude Law's jawline? Or

would you rather fall head over heels
for someone and spend 50 years together

and pick out the perfect plot of land to
rest side by side for all of eternity?

Well, thankfully, I'm a workaholic. What
the... Come out of here!

Where the bottle cleaner at, nigga?

Are you serious?

You couldn't take ten steps out here and
just ask me? This was way faster,

nigga. Where's that?

Do you understand that in the time that
it took for you to pull out your phone,

unlock the shit, go to your contacts,
call me, wait for the shit to fucking

ring, you could have walked out here,
took ten steps.

Cool. Why are you so upset all the time?

Because you be doing dumbass shit all
the time.

Come out here, man.

Yes, sir. Oh,

fuck you.

Oh, no, sir. Please, sir. Don't give me
no lashes today, sir.

I just want to eat like the rest of the
slaves, sir.

Can you please pour me in the direction
of the vinyl cleaner, sir? Please.

I don't want no trouble.

Nigga, where the vinyl cleaner at? It's
under the register.

Why you ain't tell me that shit when I
was in there, nigga? I was just there.

Oh, shit.

Yo, what the fuck, man? This is my
favorite fucking jacket. Nigga, I can't

believe this shit.

I told you to fix that now. Yo,
Tremaine, where you going, man? We got

in here, bro.

Find out on the next episode of Nigga
Ball Z.

Listen up.

There you go.

T -Man, I knew you printed stuff. I
didn't know you could actually, like,

clothes.

I want to make clothes.

This is really awesome.

Thanks. Sew what you reap with that.

That's the brand.

My grandma taught me how to sew when I
was in middle school.

Before she passed, and all the kids used
to make fun of me for that shit, but I

figured one day I'll reap what I sow.

That's good.

So what, you want to be a fashion
designer?

I mean, I want to make clothes, start my
own brand, maybe open up a store or

some shit. That'd be dope as fuck.

Maybe collab with Pharrell.

Pharrell? Hell yeah.

Man, you've been saying that since we
were kids, bro. You just got to do it.

Nah, bro, you the business, man.

You don't want to be paying all the
bills and shit, making it happen. Nigga,

don't know how to do all that shit.

I just like fucking...

designing and creating clothes man can
you make one for me anytime let

me give you some

sweet loving

excuse me uh hey hi hi

how are you good how are you so we're
having a good day huh It is, yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, it's beautiful all the time. It's
beautiful in here.

Yeah, my son would like to buy some. Oh.

What?

Oh, hey, can I help you with anything?

Pizza.

We don't sell pizza here.

No, Pizza Man, Jay Dilla.

Oh, snap, little man. What did you know
about Jay Dilla?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Actually, you know what?

Why don't you just take this wine on
that?

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you. I
appreciate that. Thank you. Say bye.

Thank you. Thank you. All right. See
you.

Hey, thank you for meeting me, sir.

Just need another extension.

Hey, I just need one more extension.

It's not a big deal.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Thanks for meeting with me.

I don't know what to tell you here, Ken.

How the hell do you owe $178 ,000?

You own a record store.

Well, I'm... It's the pandemic, you
know? I mean, it hit us really hard, and

continued to pay my employees full
salary. Yeah, why would you do that?

I mean, what was I supposed to do, just
fire them?

Yes, exactly that. You're running a
business, not a hip kitchen.

Well, I mean, you know, they're not
numbers to me, okay? These people are

family.

Unfortunately, one of them actually is.
And I can sleep good at night, you know,

knowing I made that decision.

Even though, ironically, I actually had
to move out of my apartment. I've been

sleeping in the office.

You're currently residing in the
establishment?

Yeah. That's a violation.

What? Look, can't we, like, file an
extension or something?

You already filed twice.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing you can do. There's got
to be something I can do. There's not.

Look me in the eyes as a man and tell me
there's nothing I can do to save my

business There's nothing you can do

That

your boy real handsome got a strong
jawline just like his old man, that's my

daughter

Isn't there some kind of a contingency
or something we can... I'll take a look.

Don't get your hopes up.

I'll call you later, okay?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Motherfucking bitch!

Fuck it.

I had no idea.

Yeah, I know. That means I did a good
job.

Here you go.

Thank you.

And...

pancakes. I put a little smiley face on
there because you seem a little upset.

Thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah, sure. Go
ahead. Take a bite.

Like right this second?

Yeah.

Okay.

What is with the crunch on this?

Oh, yeah, they're good. What is this,
toast? Is this like a toast? I'm not

trying to sound rude at all. It's just
like, listen to that.

Oh, that's a good crunch on that.

Good crunch on a pancake? You don't like
the crunch?

This is Captain Crunch level crunch.

This is like, what's a Master Sergeant
crunch?

The home of the crunchy pancakes. It's
been on the sign for years.

Yeah, it's on the sign now. Crunch on a
pancake? Crunchy on the outside, pillowy

on the inside.

Okay, I don't need the sarcastic
cutting. I'm just being funny, but look

I'm being a prick. If I can be honest
with you, yeah, I'm having a bad fucking

day. Okay, excuse me. That's okay. I
curse all the time.

Can you give me one right now?

Okay, well, um, there's cock fuck.

Oh, two.

No, wait. You got any more? Um, and then
there's, you know, suck my ass, suck my

asshole, suck my gait, suck my gash.
Golly, there's suck my cunt, obviously.

That's a classic. Eat my butthole, eat
my slit.

Um, eat the pancake?

That's really amazing. Thank you so
much.

You're going to be okay.

I appreciate it.

Oh, my God.

Beth. Yeah, this fucking sucks. Oh, God.

I'm trying. I don't know what to say to
you.

Just don't say anything, all right?

You haven't told T -Man and Tables?

They don't know? I haven't told them. I
haven't told you because I was hoping

there was something I could do to fix
this.

You should have told them sooner. You
should have told me sooner, to be

I shouldn't have found out this way. I
was hoping that I could fix this, and it

doesn't look like I can.

I'm still going to try, okay?

Yeah. Here you go, Mel.

Thank you so much.

I'm a hugger. Do you mind?

Okay. Oh, but I don't like to be
touched.

Fuck, yo, this is crazy, bro.

Uh -oh. It's this part where this nigga
says, fuck, he's like, well, this crazy

-ass nigga comes in, and I can't even
explain it.

Excuse me, but I know you didn't just
say what I think you said.

Yeah, he did. He sure did. I heard him.
No, I'm sorry. Look, it's not what it

sounded like, okay?

It sounded like you about to get an ass
-whooping, white boy.

Hell yeah. Jump on his ass, nigga. From
the top ropes on that nigga. I got the

camera. Let's go. No, you don't
understand. I'm black.

What? I mean, I'm half black. I'm
biracial. I'm mixed race.

Oh, shit.

Negro, please.

That's all you had to say.

Oh, man.

Damn. Okay, that's like my biggest fear
just happened, actually. My kids got a

white mama.

Goddamn, boy, I bet you got good credit,
too.

And one of the kids came out looking
like, you know, Mr. Clean and shit.

See, Coop, you ain't the only light
-skinned nigga on Earth.

Hey, can you sign for this, nigga?

Uh, yeah.

Damn, Coop, he done called you a nigga
in public. Nigga, you like that shit,

don't you? This is your moment, fool.
You been waiting on this shit since we

kids, nigga.

I feel good about it. I know. Thank you
very much. I appreciate it. I mean,

thanks, nigga.

There you go, brother.

All right. All right.

Y 'all stay black.

I'll try.

Yeah, keep trying.

Handsome motherfucking respect for your
elders.

I'm your daddy.

Look.

What's up, y 'all?

That's a good question. Good job. What's
going on, Smoke Dog? Hey, Miss Lady.

What's up, Daddy?

What's up?

Al, what the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck is wrong with you, man? I

heard you losing the shop.

Damn, Daddy, why the fuck you coming at
me like that, man?

Man, what the fuck is going on with you,
huh? Wait, I taught you better than

that. You a black man.

Where you hear I was losing the shot?

Man, streets talk.

I heard everything in the streets, man.
The streets? You're 70 years old. That

don't fucking matter.

You in the streets at 70? Nigga, I'm in
the streets. I'm in the sheets.

I be hustling. I be hustling, Cooper.

Hustling what?

Hustling everything.

Pills. women i hustle them all anything
that's gonna make me some money damn

don't you know your daddy is a p -i -m
-p damn hit that well that sounded good

hit that one more time p -i -m -p you
you wild daddy yeah you a wild

a wild guy yeah but you know i love you
i love you too you know and you could

you can let me know

How I can help you, but I can't help you
with no money, son.

My money is tied up in bonds overseas.

Nigga, what are you, James Bond
overseas? What kind of shit is that?

No, man, I ain't James Bond. I'm just
Smokey.

Nigga, you got some shit on your lip.
What the fuck?

Okay, you good? What you doing?

I guess it must be from eating that good
pussy.

You're aware you're like 70 years old?

I can still do my thing.

You know?

Don't you wish you'd be able to do your
thing when you're my age?

Your dick still get hard? Oh, man, does
it?

Does it? Like Chinese arithmetic,
brother.

Nigga, what the fuck are you talking
about?

You haven't explained to me why you are
losing your shop. Hold on. Let me

pretend I'm you now.

Well, son.

Let me tell you what you should do,
Sean. You should open up an appliance

center. Okay?

Invest it in blenders, nigga.

Invest it in blenders. And I'm like,
okay, Dad.

Where do we at, nigga? I ain't got time
for this shit.

You trying to smoke?

Damn right I'm trying to. You trying to
smoke right now? Right now. Say, I want

to smoke right now. I want to smoke
right now.

There's no way this motherfucker right
here is your dad, dude.

What do you mean? You're white as fuck,
bro.

His mom's white as fuck, bro. Look at
this fucking bitch. She was Caucasian.

I need to see some fucking proof, bro.

What?

He's white in front of you.

So this is your son? Of course. Cooper,
aren't you my young man?

Yeah, nigga, drop your pants. We both
got the same size dick. It's huge.

Why don't black chicks like me, man?

What? Black you? Black chicks don't like
me. Because you ain't got no dick,

dude.

Chick.

Damn, nigga, that's fast as shit.

Okay, nigga, stay on the metronome. Your
grandmother told me that

pussy ain't nothing but meat on a bone.

You can fuck it, you can suck it, you
can leave it alone.

One and only, these other motherfuckers
phony. Straight up jabroni, you gotta

get it feeling stony.

One of a kind, when I rhyme off the top
of my line. These motherfuckers know I

put it in the bitch's spine.

The only thing that's offensive about
somebody saying nigga is when they say

nigger. Yeah, when Leonardo DiCaprio did
that shit in Django, I was fucked up.

But that was a bar, man.

He had to play that nigga. He played it,
nigga, to my heart, nigga. I was mad at

the nigga ever since. I don't even fuck
with his movies no more. Cause she's a

crackhead bitch, sucking on a glass
dick. Say what? Say what?

What? What?

She's a crackhead bitch, sucking on the
devil's dingo.

are you doing just making sure nigga
what it's not broken making sure no

dealing like he always is bro are you
serious you know we've only ever had one

shoplifter and the kid was like 12 and
you literally punched him in the stomach

nah nigga you never know fool look
around this motherfucker first of all we

ain't got no cameras nigga need to
invest in the motherfucking camera

because look niggas it could be this old
motherfucker in the back acting all

weird and alone and shit

Or them gay Chinese niggas over there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why you

gotta say they're gay?

Because I saw them gay ass niggas
kissing outside when I was smoking a

earlier, fool.

I don't give a fuck them niggas is gay,
cool?

I'm just making an observation, fool.
They gay, so what?

You've done gay shit before, nigga. I
don't give a fuck.

What?

What gay shit?

It's not, I mean, what?

You know when you're...

You're, like, young, like, 11, 12, and
you're spending the night at your

house, and it's, like, sleepover, and
you guys are both under the covers, and

you've got the flashlight, and you're
telling, you're fucking reading

and shit, and everything's all fun, and
then the lights go out, and, you know,

the hands come out, and the next thing
you know, you're jerking your friend

and he's jerking you off, and you're,
like, totally pretending it's Jessica

Chasmore from Fourth Period, and it's,
like, a whole thing, but it's, you know,

it's not gay.

I mean, kind of gay, but not really,
just more about, like... trying to

it out and, like, explore.

That's all it was, you know? Like, three
times. Five times, max.

Five times, fool?

It took you five times to realize you
wasn't gay, Coop? That's a lot, nigga.

Yeah, that's true.

It's not like I came.

Well, I mean, I did have an orgasm, but
it was just, I was so young, it was like

ghost loads, nothing came out. What
about that time you sucked that nigga's

dick, fool?

Oh.

You sucked his dick?

I mean, I didn't suck his dick, you know
what I mean? It was just more like a...

A little lick. Look.

Explain yourself, nigga.

Oh, my God.

I licked his dick three times, four or
five dollars, in which he did not give

me, and the lesson I got was, do not
suck dick for money.

And foreskin is salty.

And that was it.

Cabral, I wonder if this sort of sounds
like you might have been assaulted.

Actually, I have been molested. It
wasn't that. Trust me.

Okay. Yeah.

Like I was saying, nigga, I don't give a
fuck if niggas is gay, fool.

Shh. Well, then why you gotta say
they're Chinese?

You don't know, man. They could be
Taiwanese. They could be Korean. They

be Japanese.

Like, what the fuck? Have some respect.

You don't know that they're Chinese.

There are people in the store.

I heard them fools talking a little chit
-chat shit earlier, talking about some

T 'ing -wan -wo, Chiang Kai -ni, nigga,
in Mandarin.

Uh, what does that mean?

It means I want to fuck you tonight.

Oh. Wait, hold on. You know Mandarin?

I know things, nigga.

I taught myself that shit to get better
prices on fabric downtown.

And another thing I motherfucking know,
somebody in this bitch stealing some

shit right now, nigga, and it's probably
who you least expect it, boo.

Like who?

Ooh, like that pregnant bitch over
there.

I bet she's shoving merchandise up her
pussy. Shut the fuck up.

Shh. Shut the fuck up.

This is like the definition of
ignorance. If you opened the dictionary

searched for the word ignorant... T -man
right there. Yes. I looked it up. It's

his face.

She's not stealing.

Look, I know, fool. I just didn't
realize how fine she was. Damn.

Yeah,

brother, what's up? Yo!

Slaidro, what the fuck, man?

Bro, I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, I know, I know, man.

Yeah, you know me. I'm just out here
dodging cops and copping digits.

So, same as always.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I got arrested for a little
bit. I was in jail for, like, three

So, that's why, like, my bad. I didn't
hit you up and see if you wanted to re

-up on the weed. But hopefully it
lasted.

You know what? If I can be honest with
you, and I swear to God I'm not just

saying this, it was the best fucking
weed I've ever smoked in my life.

That's what I'm aiming to do.

I'm here to supply.

Yeah, just... A good time. The last
roach of it this morning, and I was

hit the dispensary, actually. Whoa,
whoa, uh -uh.

What?

Don't ever say that word in front of me
again.

What? Dispensary.

You kidding me?

You cannot.

I mean, you cannot buy from those Ronald
McDonald McFuck assholes.

You got to buy from the people who live
to supply.

You know?

All right, well.

What you got? Me? Oh, I got nothing.

What do you mean? You sell weed.

No, no, no, no. Not no more.

I'm on house arrest, see?

Wait, wait. You're on house arrest right
now?

Mm -hmm.

That's why I can't sell you weed.

Yeah, but you also can't leave your
house. Do you understand that?

No, no, no. I can. I put pillows under
the blankets so when they get there,

we're all good.

Home alone, that shit. You know what I
mean? You're fucking joking.

You're joking.

No, dude, you Macaulay Cole can't leave
your home alone when you're on house

arrest. You're wearing an ankle
bracelet.

So I have to leave with someone?

Home alone? What I'm trying to tell you,
you're wearing an ankle bracelet.

Yeah. That is supposed to monitor you
inside of your house. Uh -huh. And

outside of your house.

But the pillows.

But the bracelet.

Slay Joe, do the math. You look like
fucking Zach Galifianakis in The

right now.

I think I fucked up. Yeah, you think you
fucked up? I know you fucked up. Oh, I

gotta go home. Yes, you do.

Oh, man, I gotta go home.

Like, right now.

Okay, I think you're right.

Yeah. Yeah, fuck, I gotta go home. Go
home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

But you need weed, right?

I never leave a brother dry. Just call
this number.

You see?

All right? Bob, he's not going to say
nothing.

Just tell him how much you want, where
to meet him, what time. He'll be there.

Wait, what do you mean he's not going to
say anything? Like, I'm going to call

him and... Yeah, he won't talk at all.

You mean like Helen Keller?

No, no, no. He leaves his attic, so it's
all good.

There it is.

Hey, Cooper.

How are you?

Oh, shit. What's up, bro? I haven't seen
you in a while.

Bro? Do I look like bro right now?

I'm offended.

Address me as the queen I am.

Is this really what we're doing? Yes, it
is.

Okay. All right. Well.

Hi, bitch. Oh, my God. You look so
motherfucking beautiful. You just look

damn good.

You just bust it on the phone.

Is that good enough? Why you have to be
such an asshole like that?

You better kiss my hand.

That I'm not doing. That is definitely
not happening. Yes, it is. Kiss it.

Please kiss my hand. No.

Yes.

No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. All

right!

I always get my way.

Anyway, motherfucker, what's up?

I have a huge gig tonight at the
Aquarius Theater.

I'm looking for something to get jiggy
with.

Big Willie style.

Yes, it's giving vibes.

You know, because Will Smith left.

You're crazy, dude.

I mean, sister.

I'm not your bro, I'm not your sister,
I'm not a dude, but I can be your

homegirl.

Anyway, why don't you just take this
from the house?

Cooper, that's so sweet of you. Thank
you.

Make sure you're safe and don't do
nothing too crazy and break a leg. My

are always broke.

All right, for sure. Peace out.

You're cute.

See you later, girl.

All right, bye.

Bye.

Hey, dude, what's up?

What's up, white boy?

Do you sell drugs?

What? Like, are you holding? Holding
this dick, motherfucker. What you

for? Can I have $20 worth, please?

Yeah, put it right there, nigga. Quit.
Move quick.

Don't look around, either.

How the hell did you find me anyway,
white boy?

On this subreddit, it was called Black
People of Bend.

What the fuck was you doing on Black
People of Bend, though?

I think black women are extremely
beautiful.

Mm, me too, nigga.

Like a coup.

Grab that shit quick. Grab it quick.
Grab it quick.

Do you sell any coke or brown?

Hell no.

Or like hydras or ketamine or norcos or
oxys or percocets or triple Cs? What?

Do you sell any Lexapro?

I don't fuck with none of them white
people drugs. Only what comes out of

Nature's pussy, nigga.

Ozempic. No.

Get the fuck out of here.

What? Get the fuck out of here.

What? Get the fuck out of here, white
boy. Go, nigga. Quick.

Move fast. Hurry up.

Nigga, go.

Get the fuck up out of here. Go. What
did I say about selling weed in the

Not to sell it.

Okay.

Coop, that was just a Reagan note.
Nigga, it ain't that deep. Chill. It is

deep. What if he starts smoking it and
fucking acting like an Italian?

Nigga, these motherfuckers be so drugged
out on other shit they can't even tell

the difference. Coop, what you talking
about? Look, bro.

I don't want some motherfucker who looks
like God and dogma in my store, okay? I

don't want these people around.

What if he comes back here? Then I'll
beat their ass, Coop. You know what time

it is?

Well, what if one of these kids fucking
tells their parents?

Cool. First of all, what type of drug
addict tells their parents they own

my nigga? That shit sound crazy.

And second, even if they did, fool, what
they gonna do? Call the police like,

uh, yes, officer, uh, there's a large
nigger at Paradise Records. Can we

send a SWAT team down there? He's
selling fake marijuana. Can you chill

second? You might not be taking this
shit seriously, but I take it seriously.

What is wrong with you? You need to
fucking start acting more professional,

Bro, why are you coming to me like that,
cool? You're selling fake weed at work.

Bro, you acting like we gonna lose the
shop over that little ass plate. Nigga,

chill. No, it's not even about that,
bro. At this point, I just feel like you

take advantage of me. You walk all over
me, man. You fucking show up late. You

leave early.

Coop, I was on time every single day
this week. Nigga, what you talking

Tremaine, it's Monday.

Look, all I'm saying, you know what? I
don't even want to have this

with you right now. Go to lunch, please.

Take your break. Thank you, employee.
Goodbye.

Nigga, I'm not even hungry, fool. I
don't give a fuck.

Go take your lunch.

Nigga, I ain't gonna take no lunch, but
what I will do, Coop, Light Bright,

Casper, is I'll go smoke me a little
doinker, nigga, because you is tripping

right now.

Cooper? Hey.

Mike. Mike Hawk?

Your neighbor?

You know why I'm here.

Just do us both a favor, finally.

Sell me your location, okay?

Uh, no thanks. What are you talking
about?

Okay, listen.

A little birdie told me that you're
going through some financial troubles.

Let me help you.

I'll buy your shop. Everybody wins.

What are you talking about? No, I
literally lose my shop. How do I win in

situation? Okay, I'm going to stop you
right there.

I can't handle the word no.

So let's just avoid that, okay? Think
about it a little bit longer.

Get back to me, okay?

I'll even hire all your people.

All of them.

Everybody wins.

You know, I really wish T -Man was here
right now to say some racist white

people shit.

God, that would make us uncomfortable,
wouldn't it? Hey, us white people got to

stick together. What?

What?

What? Hey, I'm just saying what we're
both thinking.

Call me about this, okay?

I'll buy it.

I'm not white.

Man, what's up with White Devil Cooper
talking to me like that, bro? Yeah, man,

I don't know. He's honestly been acting
kind of strange for the last few weeks.

Homie don't play that shit, man. And he
lucky he my cousin. Treat me like an

employee and shit.

Okay, not to play white devil's advocate
here, but you were selling drugs inside

of his business.

Bro, it wasn't fucking drugs. He's lucky
I got people coming in this slow -ass

motherfucker. Coop was being an asshole,
Tails.

Okay, T -Man, I'm going to level with
you. When Cooper started this business,

could have hired anybody in the greater
Portland area to be there for him when

he did, but he chose you.

Right. Okay, and yeah, you're a decent
employee.

but you sell fake drugs and you often
show up late and then usually leave

So when you think about it, you're kind
of being the asshole.

Yeah, real talk with tables.

Mic drop.

Man, fuck that mic.

Wait, don't kick my mic, man.

I drink too much and work too little.

Between life and death I'm in the middle
I

write these words and don't know the
meaning behind them

I'm just floating through the universe

I don't know what I'm doing

I wish I had it figured out

One thing I know for sure.

Cool.

Is we're all floating through the
universe.

Cooper.

Oh, my back.

Um, I, uh, look, I just,

I wanted to talk to you about what
happened earlier.

I get it, man.

I'm trying to tell you that I was so
pissed off earlier because I'm losing

Because I was being a fucking asshole,
bro, I know.

No, Tremaine.

Look, bro, I'm not good at apologizing
and saying I'm sorry and all that shit,

bro, but you're the responsible one,
Coop.

You're the one who gave me a job when I
needed it.

You're the one who owns the shop, bro.
I'm gonna be paying all the bills and

shit. I get it. Just listen to what I'm
trying to say. No, nigga, you listen.

This place, it means a lot to me, cuz.

This opportunity you gave me, bro,
shit's life -changing, man.

Looked out for your big cousin, man,
when he needed it most. I was down and

man.

Just scraping up change, hustling,
whatever I could, bro.

You saw that, man, and you fucking
pulled me out of that gutter, bro, and

me this chance, man.

And I'll fucking always fucking love you
for that shit, bro.

And I don't mean to be coming in this
bitch and fucking it up, taking it for

granted. So you know what, nigga?

I'm going to stop selling oregano, and
I'm going to stop showing up like a

Thank you, Tremaine. I really appreciate
it, man. I got your back to the end,

nigga. Remember that shit.

Okay. You know, cats like us, we don't
really talk about our emotions.

I'm just dealing with shit, like
anybody, and I...

I don't think I'm ready to really talk
about it, and I just... I just wanted to

say I'm sorry for how I was acting, and
I care about you, and you have been

there for me.

I appreciate it. We family, nigga.

We good?

Of course we're good.

Nigga!

Oh, Pee Wee Herman looking ass nigga?
Boy, you look like you moan when you

Nigga, fuck you!

That shit feels good sometimes, nigga.
Your hairline look goddamn cursive,

nigga.

Your credit score is a single digit.

Well, you look like Bobby Hill.

Your beard makes your entire face look
like it's made out of pubes. You look

like an extra on Bebe's Kids.

That's a deep black reference, nigga.

Well, nigga, you look like salt.

This has been called color, mulatto,
zebra, black bright. You niggas

if I can even say nigga.

DJ Drummer.

Goddamn!

Yo, you a cop?

What? I said are you a fucking cop?
We're not selling donuts here,

Oh, no, I got your number from Sladro.

What the fuck did you just say?

I said I got your number from Sladro.

Sladro?

Sladro? Yeah.

Wicker, wicker, wicker, why didn't you
just say so, man? He's our brother from

another mother.

Oh, okay.

We spent six months in the joint with
him, man. He talks a lot and he's on the

spectrum. but his weed is fucking
smashing.

It is pretty fucking good, but I heard y
'all got that shit. So, uh, can I get

some off you guys?

Y 'all, man, there's an art to this,
man. You gotta put $100 in the palm of

hand. I'm sorry, I'm not, I'm really not
trying to sound like an asshole or

anything, but can I just, can I just buy
some fucking weed?

What, he doesn't want to hear me sing?
What the fuck?

Yeah. Okay, white boy, take the shit and
get the fuck out of here then.

Enjoy the blueberry butt fucker.

Did you just say blueberry butt fucker?
What?

I don't know.

Is this weed called blueberry butt
fucker? Yeah, why?

You afraid to get a little butt fucked?

Get a little butt fucked?

Me and my hydro life mate don't have
time for people who don't know the art

weed.

Oh my God, I can't fucking believe this.

Okay.

What do you got?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

We got the classic Snoogins OG.

That's right. Snoochie Boochies. Nugs
tighter than a nun's coochie. Shit, that

must be fucking tight as shit.

And then we got Blueberry Buttfucker,
which you already know about.

Clearly. And then my personal favorite,
Goldilocks.

Why is it called that?

Because it's just right.

All right, give me some of the Goldie
shit.

Yeah, son.

All right, thanks a lot.

Appreciate it.

Wow, yo. Oh, my God, this is fucking...

Paradise

Records. This is loan officer Banks.

Can I speak to Cooper Johnson, please?

Yeah, one second, please.

Where the fuck is Cooper at?

Uh, this is Cooper.

Well... As we discussed, I looked
through your file, and there's really

in here that can extend to $178 ,000.
The fact is, you have to sell and repay

your debt, or the bank will attain your
business and all its assets.

If you'd like to come in, we can...

I left it by the first. Dude, I'm
telling you it's not here. I've already

looked. Literally. You bitch ass nigga.
You're going to fucking tell us, nigga?

Tell us what?

That we losing a fucking shop tables and
we about to lose our fucking job too,

bro. Oh, Cooper, what is he talking
about? He was going to tell you guys.

cool. You told this bitch before us,
nigga? Your own cousin? Hey, T -Man.

Normally, I know when you say bitch, you
don't mean it like that. But if you say

it in that tone one more fucking time,
I'm going to fucking cut your dick off.

Look.

i was gonna tell you guys yeah sure you
are nigga listen to what i'm saying okay

it's just it's been the whole dude this
is really fucked up i thought the shop

was doing great is doing great it is i'm
just trying to tell you guys how could

you fucking do this oh my god how could
i do this how could i do this what the

fuck I have been sleeping in the fucking
office.

I'm cooking eggs on a fucking propane
camping setup.

I've been washing my balls in the sink.

What? I had to move out of my fucking
apartment for you.

All right? So I'm sorry.

I'm fucking sorry that I did everything
I could and borrowed money from the bank

to try to keep this fucking place
afloat. Move.

That definitely sheds some more light on
the situation.

Yeah, why it smells like fucking balls
in a bathroom.

Yo, what's that thing where white people
show up and they give away money

because they feel bad for you and shit?

A fundraiser?

Nah, nigga, not a fucking fundraiser.
Fucking, what am I thinking of?

Oh, church, nigga, yeah, church. Kanye
did it, remember?

Mike Hop offered to buy the shop out.

If he does that, I don't have enough
money to...

Pay the bank back and kind of start
fresh, I guess.

Mike Hawk?

That guy's a douche.

And I thought you said we could keep our
job.

Yeah, he'd employ you.

I don't want to work at some lame -ass
arcade, nigga.

What if we just sold a bunch of
inventory?

I mean, not to sound like an asshole,
but that's literally what I try to do

every single day for a living, as much
as I can. Yeah.

Hey, there's my nephew.

How you doing?

What's going on?

Oh shit, it's Uncle Tony, cool.

That's right, it's Uncle Tony. How you
doing? What's up?

We're good? Yeah, we're good.
Everything's great?

I'm fucking great. I just did a bump in
the parking lot.

What's going on with you? You good?

Hey, Uncle Tony. Look at this kid.
Doesn't he look just like me? It's

It's so weird. I don't know how you came
out of my sister's vagina and not my

balls. It's like a spitting image.
You're a fucking sexy beast. I just want

say it's funny because, you know, he's
actually half black.

Oh. I know. I mean, his father is, you
know, his father's black. But he doesn't

look at it at all. But he says the N
-word all the time. It makes everybody

around him uncomfortable. It's
ridiculous, you know. And he's like,

identity. It's my identity. It's who I
am. No, it's fucking not. He can't

identify as black, moron.

He's a fucking idiot.

You know what I love? Black women,
clearly. You see what I'm talking about?

Uncle Tony loves the black women.

Incredible. And when I'm with you, it is
just like, I'm like the only white man

that was ever invited to Wakanda.

You know what I mean? What kind of
things I do to that pussy?

I'll never tell.

I'll never tell.

I fucked it.

I did.

Uh, hello.

Oh, shit. How fucking long have I been
standing here? I'm sorry, everybody.

Candelabra. Candelabra, this is Cooper
here. Cooper, this is Candelabra. It's

Candelabra. Hello there.

Hi, I'm Candelabra. It's so nice to meet
you. I hope you don't mind, but I'm a

hugger. Okay. Oh, all right.

Okay, there.

I gotta get that. So this album right
here, oh my God, it was like late, what

was it, 78? Sometimes it's hard to
remember, but this disco record was

everything.

19 motherfucking 78 right there. The
music, the movies, the fucking disco,

the comedy. I mean, you know, George
Carlin, Richard Pryor. Pryor to what?

Anyway, so, yeah, it was just comedy.
You said whatever you want.

You know, you weren't trying to hurt
anybody or anything like that. It was

crazy. I mean, back then, people could
take a joke like you take a dick,

sweetheart.

What up? Sorry, do you actually think
that is true? Well, clearly you do,

because you're kind of just saying
whatever the fuck you want.

Uh, yes, young lady, I do. You haven't
seen how talented Candelabra is. She can

suck the white off rice.

She turned my foreskin into an eight
-skin.

Yeah, that wasn't what I was talking
about. I'm talking about how it seems

you think that women are objects. Well,
just retract the claws, pussycat. I mean

you no harm. I come in peace.

Actually, I come quite aggressively.

You like this?

I'm a dirty daddy king.

Okay. Best of luck to you.

Damn, somebody really upset this bitch.

Hey, half -breed, let's go. I've got to
talk to you about something.

Look, kid, I hate to keep hitting you up
for cash like this, you know what I'm

talking about, but I need it, all right?
I fucking need it. Uncle Tony, I don't

have it.

What are you talking about? What do I
look like, a fucking cod? Yeah, I don't

have any money. What are you talking
about?

I can't do that right now. Is that what
you think?

All right?

Huh? Listen, listen to me. What do you
mean, what am I talking about? You

fucking, you come in here all the time,
man. You're always asking me for shit,

and I do, I help you. All right, because
we're family, and you were there for

me. Oh, my God, she's down for anything.

All the things, all the positions, all
the styles, you know, and sometimes it's

only like $20 extra. It's crazy. Now,
our love, listen, our love, listen, is

the hour.

Okay, I need to tell you something.

What, the gay thing? I know.

What? No!

It's not a big deal, whatever.

Fuck who you want. What is with everyone
thinking I'm gay?

Why does everybody say that? You think
I'm a fucking retard? Like, Matt, I

get it. Listen to what I'm saying to
you.

I got some wise guys after me, okay? I
owe some people some money I shouldn't

have fucked around with, okay? And I
need a little bit of help from you. I

about $1 ,000.

Uncle Tony, I don't have any money to
give you. Come on. When do I ask you for

things? You know?

Tony, this is not a good time for me,
man.

I'm not trying to be all extra and
emotional or whatever.

I'm going to date you. I think I'm going
to need about a thousand from you.

Please. All right.

All right.

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

All right, listen.

Nephew, I want to thank you so much. I
will not forget what you did here today.

All right, you know?

Of course.

All right, you fucking little mudblood.

I'm not gay, by the way.

You never saw me, mulatto. Let's go.

Bye, Uncle Tony.

All right, bye. Bye, Candelabra.

Bye.

Damn, there they are.

Damn!

Oh, no, am I dry?

Here you go.

This is crazy.

Damn, fuck that now. That shit happened
to me earlier.

I'll fix that shit for you. Really?

Yeah, no problem. I got you.

Thank you.

All right, well, look, since you seem to
be wrapped up over here, I think I'm

going to go get a slushie, and then I'll
just sit in the car and jerk off for a

little bit, wait for you, you know what
I'm talking about, and I'll see you in

two shakes of a Lambsdale, sweetheart,
all right? Okay, baby. Okay, bye.

God damn.

You're a lifesaver.

Easy call.

Thanks a million.

It's as good as new, like nothing ever
happened.

Hell yeah, anytime, slime. I got you.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Candelabra.

Two minutes. In and out.

How's the radio?

Nothing.

My gloves.

Fine. Let's get another one.

Remember, 140 seconds.

Front door to the teller. Back out.

No bills from the bottom. No die packs.

Anybody fucks with you, you shoot them.

Why the fuck did you borrow that money
from Frankie and Campbell, anyway?

He's gonna fucking kill us.

Now's not the time, you understand me?

One minute.

Fucking go time.

Police done killed another black man.

Can't walk, can't drive, can't even send
our kids to school without wondering if

we gonna see him again, Coop.

Fuck the police, man.

Yeah, man, I saw that shit today. It
really fucked me up. Nah, nigga, fuck

last one of them niggas. I mean, not all
cops are bad, bro.

Nigga, what kind of happy, all lives
matter shit is that, Coop? Why you gotta

say shit like that? I'm just simply
saying, not all cops are, you know,

want to kill brothers. I think there are
some police officers who genuinely want

to protect and serve. That's all I'm
saying.

Nigga, if you got one dirty cop sitting
at a table with nine wholehearted police

officers, newsflash coupe, you got ten
dirty cops sitting at the table eating

fucking donuts and shit, my nigga. Look,
I'm just saying, what type of self

-respecting human being judges another
solely off the color they skin, my

What type of shit is that?

Excuse me.

Hip -hop's in the back, nigga. What the
fuck? I'm sorry about that, sir.

Welcome to Paradise.

How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for the hip -hop
section.

It's right there in the back.

Already.

Okay, thank you.

Exactly, nigga. What the fuck is wrong
with you, bro? What? What do you mean,

what? You say all that shit that you
just said, and then you tell a black man

who walked into the store, didn't even
open his mouth to ask a question, you

tell him hip -hop's in the back?

That's racist.

Nigga, first of all, I'm black, fool.
You forgot? I can't be racist, cool?

And second, nigga, why the hell is the
hip -hop section all the way in the

nigga? That's some Rosa Parks -ass shit,
nigga. Your half -white side is

creeping out a little bit on that one.
And third, my nigga, what I said wasn't

racist, fool.

It was prejudice.

Hawk has entered.

Cooper, let's have a talk in my new
office.

Fuck an arcade. I don't want to work for
a white man.

You already do.

Oh, my God. Look, Tremaine, just chill
out, okay? I'll be back in a second.

I don't get why it is so hard for you to
let go of this.

What do you mean? Why do you say it like
that? This is awesome. I love this

place, man, you know, and...

I mean, how would you feel if you had to
get rid of your business?

It wouldn't happen.

Well, you know, I really care about
these people, man. I don't know about

and how you feel, but these people are
my family, man.

Look, I'll keep them on board.

I know.

We talked about it. I appreciate it.
Until they fuck up, and then I'll fire

them. Okay?

I mean, that one guy, for sure getting
fired quick. I just don't think he can

hack it. But the rest of them.

We'll have a fair shake.

Look, are we going to do this?

Hey, do we have a deal?

Okay, it's a deal.

Say it.

What?

Say it all.

I have a deal with Mike.

Yes.

Say my full name.

I have a deal with Mike Hawk.

Atta boy!

Huh? Ow.

I wanted to tell that nice girl you
love, right?

I love you with all of my heart.

You know, and it's so cliche, you know.
If you don't call me again, I'm gonna

die. You're a fucking wise guy, quoting
lines from the Godfather. It's cliche.

I have too much, you know. What was your
favorite part? I'm self -aware to do

that. What was my favorite part? I don't
like the movie. You didn't like the

movie. You're really serious? I don't
like, I don't like the Godfather. Are

serious? Hey, I don't like the
Godfather. Boom, you know what I mean?

comes out of the fucking corner, whacks
me out. It's the Godfather.

Yeah, I'm not into it, man.

You know, it's just some stupid shit in
that movie. Like, he wakes up next to

the fucking horse's head.

Yeah. Come on, you ever heard of that
happening? No, of course not. You know

hard it is to kill a horse? How do you
get the horse to stand still? And then

what? Will you take a chainsaw? You
can't just chop a horse's head off. No,

course not. No, that's not how it works.
There's a lot of bones. Right, so why

not something like a dog's head? Sorry,
can I help you? Okay, give me one

second.

A pig.

Right? Or a dog, or a cat, or you know
what? A lizard, like a fucking, ooh, a

chameleon. Rewrite the whole script.
Wiggly -eyed chameleon. You know?

This committee owes an apology.

Stop doing that. This committee owes an
apology. The movies are bull. Hollywood

is bull. A bunch of pedophiles.

Don't mean to interrupt you. I'm sorry.
Can I help you?

How you doing? Hi. We are looking for,
uh, what's his name?

Cooper.

Cooper.

Uh, I'm, that's, I'm Cooper.

Yeah, how you doing, Cooper? We know.

Wait, then why did you just ask me?

Formality. Right.

What? What do you mean?

Why did you ask me? Formality. Excuse
me?

Formality.

Okay, well, anyway, what's up?

Your uncle is a cocksucking
motherfucker, piece of shit, rat, fuck,

cunt, little rat cunt. You understand
me?

I know.

Let me tell you what about your uncle,
okay? He's a public embarrassment.

He hangs around our crew. He acts like
he's one of us. He was never sworn in.

You know why? He's half Hungarian Jew.
You're not allowed to be in this fucking

group if you're a fucking... He's a
fucking Hungarian Jew. Wait, sworn in to

what? We don't fuck with those kinds of
people.

What, Jews?

That's correct.

What are you, Kanye West?

Listen to me now. If you can't put two
and two together, we can't help you put

four, five, six, or seven together.

Can I help you? I don't get it. What the
fuck?

Your Uncle Tony owes us quite a bit of
money. He made a fuck -up.

You see?

He owes us 5G hard.

He fucked up. Oh, yeah. You're the guy.
Five hard Gs. Oh, he told you about us,

huh? We can't find the motherfucker.

Right? You reached out to him on
Snapchat, right? Is he here?

Is he here?

He came in here earlier, being himself.

and told me that he was going through
some things and he needed some money. I

gave him money to give you guys, so I
don't understand what's happening.

Oh, really? How much? A thousand dollars
to help pay you guys back.

I didn't realize... Listen to me. He
owes us 5G hard.

How are we going to get that money? I'll
tell you how we're going to get that

money. We're going to make sure you give
it to us.

Let's cut the bullshit.

We can come back in a few hours.

For what?

For the fucking 5G.

From who? From who? From you,
motherfucker.

And if you don't have the shit, we're
going to break every toe in your body.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Every one of your toes will be broken.

Yo, hold up.

We don't fucking play that shit at
Paradise. What, y 'all think we some

bullies or something?

What's that?

How about that? Ah, keep talking.

Walk away.

Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry. I don't have
the money. I literally don't have the

money. You could fucking open this shit
right now. There's nothing in there. Do

you know how many men I've mutilated?

Tell me how many men I've mutilated.

We have crucified people.

Mm -hmm.

Excuse me?

Like Jesus?

Exactly.

Exactly like that. That's our calling
card. We crucify. Like exactly like

It's a thing we do. Last week, I
crucified a Guatemalan grocer.

Whoa. I crucified his ass and threw a
fucking honeydew melon at his face.

I was there.

I was there.

It was pretty funny, actually. Yeah,
yeah.

Let's get the fuck... We'll be back in
like four hours.

Four and a half hours. Give us some
time.

All right?

Ooh.

Yellow. That's the good color. It's that
big dollar.

Shove it up your ass.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

I got a date with a lady I met on Ashley
Madison.

Are you married?

You see a fucking ring?

No, you don't. There's no time for time.

Look, hold on. Whatever you guys are
doing, could you just do me a favor and

it outside?

Please, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to
sound rude. There's a lot going on,

Thank you. Fuck.

Anyway, I left my phone in the car. I'll
be right back. What?

Oh, my God. Did he say his name was
Mycock?

Yo, Sladro.

Hey, man, it's me.

What about the ankle bracelet?

It's not there no more.

Oh, my God. You just busted it open.
Yeah.

I was supposed to turn it back in to
them like six weeks ago, but I got super

stoned, so I forgot.

You thought you were on house arrest
this whole time and you're not?

That is the most Slay Joe shit I think
I've ever heard.

T -Man and I are going to go watch a
movie with the aid of these puppies.

Bro, what the fuck? I thought they were
gummies, Slay. What are you talking

about? I got Grandma's finest recipe. I
did eat half of them on the way here,

and I'm not going to lie, I don't
remember how I got here.

Well, I guess I'm driving, fool.

Yeah, and one of these has a butt -ton
of acid in it. It's a Russian roulette,

baby. Hey, what's up, Poop?

Oh, shit. What's up, girl? How you
doing?

Nigga, what the fuck? We just talked
about this.

What do you mean?

Do I look like your homegirl right now?
I call you one thing, you get upset. I

call you another thing, you're upset.
I'm with it. I'm with the pronouns. I'm

with the they, the thems, the anything.

Whatever you want, that's what I'll do.
Why are you making it difficult?

It's pretty simple. When I'm bald
-headed, you can call me bro.

But when I have a gorgeous, sickening
wig on, I'm your homegirl.

That's actually extremely simple.

You're welcome.

I thought you had your private gig or
whatever.

It got canceled.

What? You got Kevin Spacey'd? What did
you do?

It's a long story.

I need to drink it out, to be honest.
You want to go have one?

There's a lot going on. Just let me
finish closing up, and then we'll do

Cool. Take your time. I'm going to go
take a shit.

Okay. It's a bit of a TMI.

Enjoy that turd out of your asshole. Oh,
hey. Hi.

Hi.

Just that.

Yeah. You know, you've been in here a
pretty long, long time, all throughout

day, and this is all you got?

Yeah, I didn't really find anything I
want. Hmm.

Okay. That's it.

A dollar, right? Sorry. Whoa, what the?
What is this?

Smells like your...

Perfume. Oh, wait, no, I'm not trying to
smell your tits. Oh, shit, nigga, look

at this shit!

A standoff between police officers and
two wanted bank robbers is ongoing as

they flee through the city.

Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, my God!

Bro,

that shit happened in a block over,
Coop. Right?

Told you that bitch was feeling, nigga.
Get her out. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Get the fuck out of the way.

Get the fuck out. Back the fuck up. Back
up.

Get out.

Shut the door. Please don't. No.

Hey,

take a walk, Frodo. Get the fuck out.

Shut the fuck up. All right, everybody
back up.

Back the fuck up.

I need keys. Who's got the fucking keys?

Who's got the keys? Give him the fucking
keys. I got them. I got them. They're

right here. Here, please. Come on. Come
on. Give him the fucking keys. Get the

fuck over here. Give it to him. No, get
the fuck.

Do you want some of this? All right.
What's up?

No. All right. Watch them.

Lock the fucking door. Lock it.

Pick them up, fucker. Okay, I'm sorry.
Calm the fuck down. Let's do this. All

right, get slow, okay? Yes, sir. Don't
do anything stupid or the fucking head's

gone. Okay. Right? Okay. And hey, hey,
hey.

What the fuck is that?

Somebody's gonna get hurt. Get the fuck
back. Get the fuck back!

He's stoned. Come on. I'll fuck you up!

Slater, please. What the fuck is going
on with this guy?

He's on stools, dog.

Where's the other exit? It's just the
one door.

All right, that's a serious safety
hazard.

All right, where's the pisser?

It's through this door and down the
hallway.

Everybody sit down.

Sit the fuck down! Hey, hey.

Why are you yelling? I'm not yelling.
No, you are yelling. No, you're yelling.

You're yelling. My ear is yelling. My
ears are ringing. Don't do that. That

hurt yourself.

Pips is back there. Watch them.

You hear me? And hey,

just relax.

You're doing great. I'm doing great.

Shut the fuck up.

These 40X seats are great.

I can feel his spin.

Shut the fuck up. Don't even fucking
move.

Hey, he says, what is wrong with you?
They won't fucking listen, Daryl.

Jesus Christ. Christ, not a cracker.
Everybody up. Now.

Get the fuck up. Let's go, please.

I want you over there. Check the door.
Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. There you go.

Everybody get comfy.

All right? Sit down.

Sit the fuck down.

Hey, Daryl.

Really? You used my real name? What did
I say about using a code name? Well,

they don't fucking know. Maybe Daryl was
a code name.

Those motherfuckers caught me outside.
They used me as a human shield. They

dragged me in here, and now I'm with you
motherfuckers. I don't know what the

fuck's going on. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm
okay. Are we all good? Is everybody

good? Hell no, we ain't good, nigga.

Oh, it's still good? Yeah, it's still
good. It's still good, Bobby

of 503 Milkwater fucking Way, you
asshole.

What the fuck, dude? Why the fuck would
you give away my address?

I mean, this guy's address, Bobby's. I'm
not Bobby, by the way. You fucking

idiot. What is wrong with you?

I'm going to make you go sit over there
with them.

I'm going to make you sit over there
with them. Jesus Christ. I'll fucking do

it. You can tell these actors trained.

They know how to hold the gun. They're
really good.

Don't you fuck. No. No. Stop. You want
some of this? Stop.

Don't fucking do it. This is because my
sister dropped me in her fucking head.

Don't you bring my mother into this.

The Coen brothers know what they're
doing. They catch good people.

You think we're in a fucking movie?

This is happening.

Huh?

This is happening right now.

I know. This movie is an experience.

You put that fucking gun at me again, I
will fucking kill you. I'm sorry, I'm

sorry. I didn't mean to do it.

Okay?

We understand each other?

Okay, okay. You know what?

You're a good boy. You're doing good.
Make your mom proud, okay? The whole

family's proud of you. Now listen, you
ready?

Okay? You good? I'm going to go in the
piss and take care of some shit. You

watch these morons, all right?

You're doing good, all right?

Come on.

Come on. Yeah, good. Yeah.

You fucking got it now. Put your gun up
on him. Good.

Good. Hey, listen.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Anybody fucking moves, my boy here is
going to start capping motherfuckers.

Ain't that right?

Let me see the fucking war face. Let me
see it. You're an animal. Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Slater, what the fuck are you doing?

It's not an elephant. It's a tiger. More
of a tiger.

Lion.

That'll work. Good.

Fuck!

Flush the toilet! Flush the toilet, for
Christ's sake!

Come on out of here!

Jesus, what did you eat?

Get the fuck in there! Go! Go now! Sit
down!

Found a fucking straggler taking a shit.

What is this? I thought this was Oregon,
huh?

Why does it look like a fucking Kathleen
Kennedy movie in here? Look, sir, I

just don't... Look, I'm not... I don't
know what you're expecting to happen

here. What's going to happen? He's a
hero? No. Huh? No. Is that who you are?

sir. Huh? You think this is part of the
hero's journey where something crazy

happens and you've got to figure it out?
No, no. All right, then sit down and

shut the fuck up.

Fucking Scooby -Doo gang.

That's a Scooby laugh.

I'll be back.

Me, them. I'm sorry.

Fucking idiots.

Just chill.

We are chill. You chill.

Don't tell me to chill when you chill.

Everyone chill.

Just chill like Arnold Schwarzenegger in
that one Batman movie.

Did this white nigga just say the N
-word?

I didn't say the N -word.

Is this a Tarantino movie?

It's not a Tarantino movie. I didn't say
the N -word. You just said Arnold

Schwarzenegger. Everyone heard that,
right? I didn't say that. You can't say

that. You're white.

I'm black.

You're white.

Actually, my dad's black. It doesn't
count. You look white as shit.

What? You heard me. You look white as
shit.

But, sir, you're the one in blackface
saying that he can't say the word nigga.

I didn't say the N -word.

I'm not getting canceled for shit.

Why are we talking about this right now?
Say you're white.

What? No.

Say you're white.

All right, fine. I'm white. It's not
you.

The white guy.

Say it, fucker.

I'm white.

We're good.

We're good.

We're not going back, D.

No, no, no, D -Dog, you can't go back. D
-Dog!

Sneezer Prost. Do you think he sucks,
Dick?

You've had a hell of a day, huh?

You need a hug.

Fuck, bro. It really is. I wouldn't know
a thing or two about fucking bros.

Oh, shit. The cops. They brought back
up. They brought back up Coop. What?

Why are you excited about that?

Earlier, he was like, oh, yeah, nigga.

Fuck all police, nigga. Fuck every
single last one of them.

Yeah, not when they coming to help me,
nigga.

Okay. Everybody listen up.

Now, what are you doing? What are you
fucking reading?

Put that shit down.

Now listen.

What?

What are y 'all looking at?

Damn.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't fucking
touch me. Take it off. Take it off.

fucking touch me. Damn it, damn it, damn
it, damn it. What the fuck?

Ow, fuck, my fucking knee.

Jesus Christ.

You fucking asshole.

Here. Why the fuck would you do that?

Why the fuck wouldn't you wear a belt?

Christ's sake, here. I left it in the
fucking car, you fucking prick.

Put your pants up, for Christ's sake. We
can still see you.

Fucking douche. Relax. Okay.

Now, we've all had a very trying day.

We all got up on the wrong foot.

Hard day like my fucking hard dick.

You need to start sucking, motherfucker.

He's wearing a wig.

It's not a wig.

You have to forgive my friend. He's
stupid and cuts his own hair.

Don't fucking bring my hair into this,
dude.

Okay.

Everybody, we're going to get along just
fine.

Just want everybody to relax.

Okay?

You know, it's really kind of hard to
relax when you're waving that gun in our

faces.

You know, that's a good point.

I really don't intend to kill anyone,
okay? I mean, I will, but I'd rather

And I'm not going to do shit. I'm a
fucking vegetarian.

Which has nothing to do with anything.

You see this fucking shit? There's a lot
of fucking cops out there, Daryl.

Yeah, maybe they're vegetarians too,
stupid.

What did you say? I'm a fucking idiot.
Stop talking about it.

Come with me.

Christ's sake.

Where's your fucking belt? Stop! Get a
belt! Stop fucking touching me, you

fucking old man!

All right, listen up, fellas.

This ain't no tampon commercial, so I
need you to stack up, okay?

I want to get those people out safe, and
I want to do it clean.

I want you to take this very seriously,
all right? Very seriously.

Now, there's two points of access.

The main entrance, and then there's a
ventilation duct up on the roof. I want

team up on the roof, okay?

And I want another team out back, okay?

Now, if this fight happens to take us in
the front, this is our point of entry,

right here. This is the angle we come in
from, all right?

Gibbs. Fuckers Gibbs.

Johnson. Yeah, Chief. Fuckers Gibbs.

I don't know, sir. I think he's tied up
right now.

Tied up?

Yeah, girl, you know I've been shot at.

Just comes with the territory.

So, uh, what are you doing after this
whole Hodson situation thing?

Gibbs, where the fuck are you?

Uh, Chief, sir, I was just checking, uh,
just checking the perimeter, sir.

I don't give a shit what you're
checking. I need eyes on these assholes.

Now, there's a ventilation shaft. I need
you in it. It's a tight spot.

So suit up.

Sir, yes, sir.

You know, I know a thing or two about
tight spaces.

Huh? Huh?

I'm sorry.

Fuck, cock shit, this is fucking
intense.

Coen brothers are amazing.

I mean, just...

Look at these Hawk V -Lite anamorphic J
.J. Abraham's lenses.

No,

nigga, this shit is real as fuck. These
white niggas got fucking guns. We're

about to fucking die, Slay. Stop fucking
playing.

Get the fucking phone.

Fuck, I can't do this.

Owner.

It's Cooper.

I don't give a shit. Get your ass up
here.

What? Get up here and answer the phone.
Okay, shit. Pick up the fucking phone.

All right.

Answer the fucking phone. Okay, all
right.

Pick it up.

Hello? Now listen.

It's the cops.

You need to let these people go, all
right?

What? No, no, I'm one of the people.

Oh. Well, Jesus Christ, let me speak to
whoever's in charge.

Okay.

He wants to talk to whoever's in charge.
And who do you think that is? It's

not... Stop! Stop!

Hello? Hello?

Hey, careful, okay? This is really... It
means a lot to me. Get back. All right,

okay? You get back.

Yeah? This is Chief Watson, BPD.

Now, look, you can get out of this,
but... No, no, no, no, no, no. You

me, pig.

All right, I'm running the fucking show
now.

No, no, of course, of course you're
running the show. I just... What's your

name?

What? My name?

Why? I mean, I'd like to have a
conversation with you, you know?

How am I going to have a conversation
unless I know your name?

All right, all right. Let me get one.
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Darryl. Name's Darryl.

I got my boy Bobby here. What the fuck?
Don't say my name. Shooting people if

anything happens to me. You got that?

Huh? Those cookies?

No, no, no, no, Darryl.

Nothing's going to happen, all right? I
don't want that. You don't want that.

Nobody wants that.

Oh, yeah, I sure you don't fucking want
that. My blood sugar's actually up. Let

me get a cookie. I'm on the fucking
phone. Let me get a fucking cookie.

him. He's going to hit you.

I'm not going to hit you.

So what you want is me dead and
everybody out of here, right?

Well, Darryl, now that you mention it,
how many people are we talking about in

there? I don't fucking know.

Let me get a fucking cookie.

Hold on a second, cop.

What the fuck? I'm going to fucking kill
you.

I'm fucking talking to someone. It's
very important.

All right?

Yeah. Get him back down there. Move,
white boy!

Yo, this motherfucker's eating the
cookies.

Oh, white guy's eating right now.

Can y 'all speak up a little bit? A
nigger needs to know what's going on.

Give him position.

He's in the vent, chief.

Just stay in here.

Die in here. What'd he say? What'd he
say?

I've got five hostages, two suspects,

armed.

Incident position.

Well, what do you want, Daryl?

I don't fucking know. I haven't thought
that far ahead.

What'd he say?

I have the shot.

He has a shot.

All right, listen, Darryl, you got to
give me one, all right?

Just give me one, okay?

As a show of good faith.

Good faith?

Yeah, good faith.

There's got to be some level of trust
here, Darryl.

Level of trust?

How about you suck a bag of dicks? How
about that? There's your level of trust.

What did he say?

I told him to suck a bag of dicks.

Take your jacket off. Come on. I'm not
grabbing his fucking foot.

Then grab his ankle. I don't give a
fuck. Fuck, dude.

Come on.

Oh, God.

I'm going to fucking puke. I'm going to
fucking puke, dude. Robert Hall, Fox 5,

back with you here where a small crowd
of people and one black man have

outside of Paradise Records where we
know that two armed gunmen have taken

hostages. uh not sure the the status of
said hostages but uh i believe uh here

sir uh a racially ambiguous police
officer uh johnson it looks like could

tell us more about what took place in
here tonight we have a very volatile

situation right now in the downtown bend
uh we have two gunmen and

Slater, what the fuck are you doing,
man?

Well, morphine hits the bloodstream
immediately.

That's your sign of good faith,
motherfucker?

I heard a gunshot, Daryl. Has anybody
heard?

Yeah, somebody's heard. Somebody got
shot.

Well, who the fuck got shot, Daryl?

The fucking ninja you sent in here to
kill me. You fucking shot the officer?

No, no, no, no. I didn't shoot that
asshole. He blew his foot off when he

through the fucking vent. I guess pigs
really can fly.

Was he okay?

Yeah, he's great. He gets half price on
fucking shoes now. He blew his foot off!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're gonna have to send him out,
though.

Fuck you and fuck that!

Now, look, you haven't done anything
fucking stupid yet. But if he bleeds out

and he dies, that's on you, you
understand?

All right, fine.

I swear to God, if there's any funny
business, everybody in here is fucking

dead.

What did they say, Daryl?

I'm here with a witness to the event
tonight. Sir, what exactly did you see?

I mean, man, you know what I'm saying? I
ain't no witness, but I get to praise

the ass, goofy ass white boys, man. They
robbed some shit, you know what I'm

saying? They dropped some money and
shit, man. You know, I ain't trying to

snitch on the niggas or nothing like
that. J .J., that's quite a bit of money

you have in your hand there. Have you
ever held that much money before? What?

What the fuck? Come on, man. Do I look
like I need? I don't even need this

bro. You know what I'm saying? Man,
nigga, look here, man. I got a

switch on me, man.

Fucking... Man, you better be glad we on
TV, nigga. You know what I'm saying? I

don't need this.

Fuck are we gonna do now, Daryl?

They want the cop.

What? He came here to fucking save us
and now they're gonna let his ass go?

type of shit is that?

Damn. Plot twist.

Look, just... Just let my people go.

Let my people go?

What are you, fucking Charlton Heston?
Son of a fucking cockball. Come on, man.

Ladies with the language!

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

What do you think's gonna happen here,
man?

Shut the fuck up. You've got to see how
crazy this is.

I see what's happening here.

I give you fucking people an inch, you
take a mile.

I told you chill. You couldn't do that.

Because you think Daryl's playing, don't
you?

Maybe now I'll show you that I'm not
playing.

Daryl, stop.

Please fucking stop, Daryl. It's too
fucking far.

Please stop, Daryl. Just shut the fuck
up, Bobby.

Dale.

Are you sending him out?

Don't fucking rush me, pig.

Bobby, bring the cop.

Out we go. Let's go hop along.

Come on.

Now, what the fuck are we going to do to
get out of this shit?

I'll do whatever it takes.

Nah, fuck that shit. We should fucking
rush these niggas or something. Lucy, I

think we just got to stay patient.

Be patient?

What the fuck? We just gonna sit here
and fucking wait to die?

If I was watching a movie about us right
now with Slatero in the fucking movie

theater, I'd be like, run, nigga!

Run! Run, nigga! Forrest Gump! Run,
nigga! Go, go, nigga! Fuck Jenny, nigga!

Fuck that bitch and the nigga in the
wheelchair!

Holy shit.

Whoa, who's that?

Is that what you think you're doing?

You're a fucking son of a bitch.

Go. I'm on it.

Whoa, whoa. What the fuck are you doing
here?

After what happened last time, you can't
be on this scene. Chief wants you gone.

Hold this.

Goddamn negotiator.

What the fuck?

Hey, hey, hey!

Slow down, motherfucker. Who are you?

I'm the negotiator. Here to talk to you.

No, no, no. I was talking to the other
prick.

Well, now... You fucking back off. Now
you're talking to me, okay?

I'm not talking to you.

What the fuck? Now back the fuck off. I
will shoot you.

You're not going to shoot me, Daryl.
Stop walking.

You're going to shoot me? I will shoot
you right in the fucking head. You and I

both know that you are not going to
shoot me.

You're not gonna shoot me down.

I'm gonna fucking kill you. I said
fucking shoot me, do it!

That sounds good to me.

What?

No, I do. I would really like to die
today.

You serious?

I don't wanna be alive.

I just wanna die today.

I will shoot you, I will shoot you.

Right in the fucking face. Don't miss.

Can you hit me from there?

Huh? How the fuck did you get over
there?

Come on. Huh? Do you want to do it? I
thought I was taller.

Get some balls.

I'll do it.

Stick a soldering iron right up my ass.

Don't hit the watch.

Whoa!

You and I both know that you are not
going to... Oh, my God!

Is he okay?

God bless you.

You just shot a fucking cop. What the
fuck happened?

They're fucking after me, Bobby.

They're after me. What the fuck are you
talking about? They're after me. They're

all after me. Oh, it's you. You're after
me now. You're on my mark. You've been

with them all along. You were always
with them. Darryl, put the fucking gun

down, Darryl. You are. You are. You know
what? It's the fucking end of the line.

It's the fucking end of the line, man.
I'm telling you.

Everybody's going to die.

You always wanted to kill me, haven't
you?

Oh, do it, Bobby. Go on, do it. Put the
gun down, Gerald!

Please put the fucking gun down! Don't
fucking do that!

You're not gonna be in the sequel,
nigga.

I never hurt anybody.

I just... I'm ruined.

Whoa.

You thirsty?

I need a drink.

Chief, you've had a long, distinguished,
successful career with the BPD.

Tell me, have you ever screwed up this
badly?

Fuck you.

And there you have it. Make sure you go
pick this shit up. In stores now,

motherfucker. So,

would you consider this black people
music? What? We

did our best.

I swear to God, we did.

Unbelievable, because I heard that there
is an officer missing a foot and three

dead bodies. So would you consider that
a win tonight?

Yes, it is. For our chief, it is a win.
We'll take that.

Amazing.

I can't believe you fucking killed a
dude, Coop.

What, nigga? We killed a dude. I didn't
kill nobody. Yes, you did, and his

brains are all over that fucking nail.

Oh.

Holy shit.

Look, Mike, are we going to do this or
what?

The what?

You know, the contract, man. Let's just
go and knock it out.

No, that's not happening.

What? Cooper, someone died in there.

Now we're done.

Mike Hawk is pulling out of this deal.

Good luck.

Told you he was a douche.

Uh, gentlemen, what could you tell us
about what just went down here tonight?

Man, he's fucking got you. First of all,
this shit was fucking lit. Oh, sir,

this was live television.

Fuck yeah, it is. Nigga, we
motherfucking out here, man. Shout out

man. Shout out to Three and a Half,
niggas that live in motherfucking Bend.

Shout out motherfucking Paradise Records
and this bitch. We out here. It was

crazy as fuck, nigga, let me tell you.
Niggas was jumping off the motherfucking

roof. Ah!

Niggas had the guns.

Bullets was going through the
motherfucking shop and shit. Hit my

record, by the way. And we was in that
bitch motherfucking fighting for our

lives in that motherfucker.

She was crazy as fuck. Right, Coop?

Cooper Johnson, you are the owner of
this record store. And I can't forget

motherfucking blood that was all on that
nigga's face. Shit was splattering

everywhere. I saved a couple bitches'
lives, and I had a fucking big -ass toe

that was sitting on the side of my
motherfucking face, nigga. Now, I love

I suck, Tom. Okay, there. So, anyway,
Cooper Johnson, somewhat of a hero as

here in Bend, Oregon tonight.

The question on everyone's mind, what
are you going to do with the cash

What?

The cash reward for the capture of the
armed assailants, dead or alive.

Yo, what? Yeah, nigga, shop ain't dead.
Nigga, we turned up. Hold on, wait,

wait, wait.

Hold on, wait. Shut up.

There's a fucking reward?

Yes, sir.

What is your plan?

How much is it? $14 ,000!

Fuck!

Niggas, I don't fuck with them.

Niggas, I don't know them.

Hoes, I don't fuck with them. Hoes, I
don't know them.

Niggas, I don't fuck with them. Niggas,
I don't know them.

Hoes, I don't fuck with them. I know
this sucker from the suburbs.

Who with this other motherfucker on the
outskirts? Tried to get but the cat

caught up in that shit, sir.

Did you niggas feel out to get paid down
for lucha?

Nailed it.

Finally, nigga. Shit.

Yo, if I had done that any sooner, we'd
probably be dead right now.

So there's that.

You right, nigga.

Remember, everything happens for a
reason, Coop.

Speaking of which, I can't believe we
actually get to keep this place. We

the shop, nigga.

Yes, we did. We did. We family.

Nigga.

Okay, but just make sure you're here at
9 .30. Don't fucking matter. You still

work here. 9 .30? Yeah, motherfucker.

Nigga, at least 10, Coop. I'm trying to
fucking turn up tonight, my nigga. Shit.

Nigga, you better turn up on time, okay?

All right?

Boy, nigga, you so white, you was born
with season tickets to NASCAR, Jeff

Gordon.

You so black, you bleed grits, nigga.

Nigga, fuck that. I like grits with a
little sugar in it, my nigga. At least I

don't fucking look like Mr.

Burns.

Smithers, release the hounds on this
negro.

You a fool, man. I love you, bro.

I love you, too, nigga. No, nigga, like
I love you.

I love you more, nigga. All right.

Like Barney love you, you know? Yeah,
whatever.

Staying in a circle and singing and
shit. Can you just get the fuck out of

All right, nigga, love you. All right, 9
.30. Yeah, whatever, nigga. I'm

serious.

Oh. You got that money? What? You got
that money?

Hello there.

Cough up that dough. You got that money?
Remember we said four and a half hours?

You actually get six and a half hours.
Look at it.

He got it. He got it. Good boy. Okay.
All right. All right. Yes, he did. Let

ask you a question, kid.

You believe in God?

I mean, I believe in something.

You should believe in God.

Also, fuck your mother.

Oh.

Oh.

Paradise.

Welcome to Paradise Records. This is
where I'll be when the world ends.

Welcome to Paradise Records.

Bury me here with all my friends.

Welcome to Paradise Records.

You know where to find me when I'm dead.

Hobbits, wizards, nigga, Yoda and them
niggas. All that shit. Gay as fuck, bro.

Ooh. How can you say that? Wait, I'm
sorry. Take it back. Yoda is Star Wars,

motherfucker. Well, he is, like, Hobbit,
ain't he?

No, no. Just saying. Just saying.

What, are you afraid to get a little
butt fucked?

Get a little butt fucked?

Oh,

shit. Who? Oh, shit. There's a fucking
spider on your back, bro.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Wait, he doesn't tell, you mean like,
like Helen Keller?

No, no, no, he leaves his attic, so it's
all good.

Okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay.

Do it one more time, one more time.

Oh, don't do that.

Eileen, remember that. Little fucker,
nigga, when was you going to tell us,

Tell us what?

That our fucking, something's going on
and I can't explain it.

I'm going to go to the Shaved Kitty
because it's happy hour.

Never do business on an empty stomach
and a full sack.

Grandpa Hawk taught me that.

Oh, cut.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Coop, I told you that bitch was
stealing, nigga. Let's go get her ass.

Fuck. Get the bitch.

Rubber racket.

Oh, my God.

I wasn't even supposed to be here today.
No, I'm just kidding.

What about you, Kevin? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we ain't got no gun, fool. What

type of fucking fantasy are you living
in? Oh, I just farted. I'm so sorry,

everybody.

Fucking root came down like bam. Nigga
had a bazooka looking motherfucker.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. I pushed Cooper
out the way.

Saved that motherfucker.

Hit a nigga with the motherfucking yo
-yo.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. Hold
on, let me call on the guy online.

Keep going, nigga, hurry up.

Hit the camera. Don't hit the camera,
man.

All right, I got what I need.

You fucked that up.

I mean!

Lenny.

Johnson. Whatever you fucking need.

I am not selling my vinyl store to Mike

Hawk. Period.

All right?

This is not a Mike Hawk production. This
is not a Mike Hawk business space.

Mike Hawk will own this.

My kid's got a white mom.

Hell, yeah, nigga. I bet she's fine as
hell, too.

Give me an alt on that.

Nice, nigga. I bet she's thicker than a
snicker, too.

Another one.

Damn, nigga, what she look like, goddamn
Peg Bundy?

Okay, and give me another one.

Goddamn, boy, I bet she got good credit,
too.

All right, give me another one.

She'd be cooking that broccoli casserole
and shit.

Hawk, V -Lite, J .J. Abram.

I'll just wait because people are
talking outside.

See, that's a tip for all the actors in
here.

Just blame everyone else for your fuck
-ups.

Eileen!

Please, please.

J .J., what?

Oh, no, his name is J .J. I was just
going to say, please refer to him as J

not J .J. But you told me, please.

Yes, sir.

Like...

Oh, that's the softest shit I've ever
heard a motherfucking director say in my

life. Boy, don't go back to hip -hop,
nigga.