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1
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One more for the road, doll face.
2
00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:09,180
Speaking of the road, Mr. Sinatra, it's
time for school. Go get dressed.
3
00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:10,380
And not in your tux.
4
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:12,740
Hey, Hope, check this out.
5
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,079
Are you all right?
6
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,260
Fine. Just practicing.
7
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For what?
8
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:21,920
Disability.
9
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:25,900
Apparently, there's big money in it.
You're not going on disability. You're
10
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,860
getting a job. Here, check the want ad.
11
00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:32,540
Morning.
12
00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:34,420
Hammer your thumb again?
13
00:00:34,820 --> 00:00:35,820
No.
14
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,980
I question advice!
15
00:00:39,820 --> 00:00:46,760
Charlie, why don't you just hire a
carpenter to help you? Because this is
16
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,740
man room, Hope, built with my own man
hand.
17
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,940
What's so funny?
18
00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:59,280
Just you calling yourself a man.
19
00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:03,130
18 days, Faith.
20
00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:07,750
That's how long you've got to get a job
and an apartment and move out of my
21
00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:08,750
house.
22
00:01:12,810 --> 00:01:14,730
That I own equally with hope.
23
00:01:16,050 --> 00:01:17,050
Ooh, brownies.
24
00:01:17,370 --> 00:01:18,650
Those aren't for you.
25
00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:20,950
They're for a faculty meeting today at
Haley School.
26
00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:25,290
Ah, they wouldn't happen to be voting on
the Buzz Aldrin Elementary Mother of
27
00:01:25,290 --> 00:01:25,869
the Year.
28
00:01:25,870 --> 00:01:28,270
Well, if they are, it's merely a happy
coincidence.
29
00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:30,810
Here, eat the burnt one.
30
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,080
Hope's won Mother of the Year two years
in a row.
31
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:36,920
They even put her picture up in the
cafeteria.
32
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,720
I really could care less about some
silly award.
33
00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:46,000
But just in case, I took the liberty of
getting you headshots.
34
00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:47,860
Which ones do you like?
35
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:51,640
I like the one with the oily nose and
giant pores.
36
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,740
Because the other one's just, like, hard
to look at.
37
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:06,250
in the wash. Why are you calling me,
Hope? Well, I've been calling you Mom
38
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,870
16 years, and where has it gotten me?
39
00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:15,190
Mom, I need you to sign this note
excusing me from biology class today.
40
00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:19,130
Why? Because they're dissecting frogs,
and I'm against animal cruelty.
41
00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:21,690
Honey, frogs are not animals.
42
00:02:22,170 --> 00:02:23,450
They're appetizers.
43
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,190
Hello?
44
00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:33,330
I will bring you your bowl.
45
00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:38,150
Oh, I just whipped up some brownie. And
you?
46
00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:39,790
Strawberry tarts?
47
00:02:40,690 --> 00:02:42,350
From your own strawberry patch?
48
00:02:44,570 --> 00:02:47,810
No, I did not realize you churn your own
butter.
49
00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:50,730
Well, better run.
50
00:02:50,990 --> 00:02:54,370
I'm whittling a new baseball bat for
Justin.
51
00:02:55,870 --> 00:02:58,030
With a knife I made out of recycled
cans. Bye now!
52
00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:04,410
Sally Jones, always bragging about what
a perfect mother she is. Well, I'm
53
00:03:04,410 --> 00:03:08,610
sorry. Mother of the Year is about more
than just strawberry tart.
54
00:03:13,050 --> 00:03:14,050
What are you doing?
55
00:03:14,510 --> 00:03:17,430
You heard me. I have to make a knife out
of recycled cans.
56
00:03:19,810 --> 00:03:20,810
Hey.
57
00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:23,070
Want to see me fall down the stairs?
58
00:03:25,730 --> 00:03:26,730
No.
59
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:29,510
But I'd love to see you go up in flames.
60
00:03:49,610 --> 00:03:50,610
Hello,
61
00:03:57,750 --> 00:03:58,750
Hope.
62
00:03:58,890 --> 00:03:59,890
Hello, Sally.
63
00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:01,790
Did you remember my bowl?
64
00:04:02,090 --> 00:04:06,610
Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot. She was too
busy whittling a porch swing.
65
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,410
Sydney, you remember Mrs. Jones?
66
00:04:12,410 --> 00:04:14,230
No. Can I wait in the car, Hope?
67
00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,010
Uh, yeah.
68
00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:18,510
Sure, sweetie.
69
00:04:19,769 --> 00:04:21,390
Your daughter calls you Hope?
70
00:04:21,790 --> 00:04:23,770
You should hear what she calls her
behind your back.
71
00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:29,990
Mrs. Jones, your tarts are all anyone
can talk about.
72
00:04:30,810 --> 00:04:35,210
Well, that and the fact that somebody
stole all the frogs from the biology
73
00:04:35,570 --> 00:04:39,570
Oh! Are those your famous double
-punched pecan brownies, Mrs. Shanowski?
74
00:04:39,790 --> 00:04:40,790
Uh, yeah. Sure.
75
00:04:41,010 --> 00:04:42,010
Help yourself.
76
00:04:42,030 --> 00:04:45,230
Any idea who stole the frog? I bet it
was Haley.
77
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:48,450
Mrs. Shanowski.
78
00:04:50,850 --> 00:04:53,070
Justin? Doesn't he look adorable?
79
00:04:53,330 --> 00:04:54,330
What's the occasion?
80
00:04:54,370 --> 00:04:58,170
Not a pleasant one, I'm afraid. I caught
Justin smoking during recess.
81
00:04:58,550 --> 00:04:59,550
Smoking?
82
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:04,090
Justin? Just two puffs and out.
83
00:05:04,290 --> 00:05:05,290
Like Frank.
84
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:07,560
the pipes.
85
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:13,880
Where did you get a cigarette?
86
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:20,020
I found it on the ground. It was just a
butt with cherry red lipstick like Ava
87
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,020
used to wear.
88
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:23,880
All right.
89
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:24,940
That's it.
90
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,540
No more Frank Sinatra.
91
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,660
From now on, you're just going to be
you.
92
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:30,300
Go to your room.
93
00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:35,440
It's so embarrassing.
94
00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:36,930
school today.
95
00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:39,610
I'm sure the whole world thinks I'm the
terrible mother.
96
00:05:40,530 --> 00:05:42,170
I'm never going to get mother of the
year now.
97
00:05:43,290 --> 00:05:45,350
Sally's probably already turning victory
butter.
98
00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:49,250
Hey, guess what I got?
99
00:05:49,670 --> 00:05:50,589
A job?
100
00:05:50,590 --> 00:05:51,710
Better, an apartment.
101
00:05:52,730 --> 00:05:53,730
That is better.
102
00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:55,470
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
103
00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:58,070
Until you get a job, you can't afford an
apartment.
104
00:05:58,430 --> 00:06:02,070
The landlord is having some sort of
fundraiser party tonight at the
105
00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:05,190
so why don't you come by with me and
check it out for yourself, okay?
106
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:06,760
Please, Hope. Please.
107
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,019
Please, Hope.
108
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,020
Please.
109
00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:11,900
All right. But we can't stay long.
110
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,460
I have five dozen mini quiches to make
before tomorrow's Mother of the Year
111
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,079
reception. Mother of the Year reception.
112
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,080
Yeah, yeah.
113
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,740
So what kind of fundraiser is it?
114
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:24,500
Oh, just some sort of woman's group. But
don't worry.
115
00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:26,420
You'll fit right in.
116
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,920
Isn't the apartment darling?
117
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:36,260
Yes.
118
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,680
I still don't get why they'd rent to
someone without a job.
119
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,080
Hey.
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00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:42,300
You made it.
121
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:43,520
Hi.
122
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,940
This, hopefully, is my new landlord,
Rusty.
123
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:52,860
Hi. And, Rusty, you probably guessed by
now, this is Hope, my lover.
124
00:06:58,680 --> 00:06:59,680
Good news, lady.
125
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,780
Hope's credit checked out great, so if
you two want the apartment, it's all
126
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:05,970
yours. Oh, my God, that's wonderful.
127
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:07,910
Did you hear that, lover?
128
00:07:09,270 --> 00:07:10,410
We got the apartment.
129
00:07:11,350 --> 00:07:13,910
Maybe we should talk about it first,
lover.
130
00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:16,670
Would you excuse us a moment?
131
00:07:17,450 --> 00:07:23,730
What in the world do you think you're
doing? Look, I love this apartment, and
132
00:07:23,730 --> 00:07:24,730
credit sucks.
133
00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:28,030
So I had to put you down as my domestic
partner.
134
00:07:29,910 --> 00:07:31,190
We're not lesbians.
135
00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:33,350
I know I'm not, but...
136
00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:35,860
I've always thought you had tendencies.
137
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,380
I am leaving right now.
138
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,120
All right, everybody.
139
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:46,620
We are here tonight to raise money for
free counseling at the Lesbian Center.
140
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:55,420
You know, for years, I was in the
closet, terrified to come out because of
141
00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:58,840
what other people would think. I hear
you, sister, my woman sister.
142
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:06,360
But when you stop judging yourself, You
won't care what other people think. And
143
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,560
you will find that you will stop judging
others, too.
144
00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:11,320
Amen! Sister, my sister woman!
145
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:18,140
So, let's put our hands together for two
women who didn't let what other people
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00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:20,420
thought stop them from getting married.
147
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,040
Hope and faith!
148
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,060
He wanted to see me cry.
149
00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:05,110
Where did you think you could hide
these?
150
00:10:05,190 --> 00:10:08,290
I was going to ride my bike to the lake
tomorrow and set them free.
151
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:11,770
The lake is 20 miles from here.
152
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:15,230
I can't take them back. I'll get
suspended or expelled.
153
00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:17,410
Oh, my gosh.
154
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:20,210
This might go on my permanent record.
155
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:22,390
I might not get into Harvard now.
156
00:10:25,110 --> 00:10:26,110
Grab your coat.
157
00:10:27,290 --> 00:10:28,290
Where are we going?
158
00:10:29,130 --> 00:10:30,130
To the lake.
159
00:10:32,270 --> 00:10:35,730
But if your mother ever finds out about
this... We'll blame Aunt Faith?
160
00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:37,330
Now, that's Harvard thinking.
161
00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:45,430
How about a spotlight dance for the
newlyweds?
162
00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:52,010
I'm dancing with you.
163
00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:53,970
I'm a two -year -old. My mother of the
year winner.
164
00:10:54,290 --> 00:10:56,590
What are people going to think? Please,
Hope, please.
165
00:10:56,810 --> 00:11:00,830
I love this apartment, and Charlie is
going to kick me out in 18 days.
166
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,480
Don't you want to be sister of the year?
167
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,320
Check
168
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:18,740
out
169
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,240
that tall butch one.
170
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,720
Hey, ladies.
171
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,200
How about a kiss?
172
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,520
Yeah.
173
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,200
You got a problem with...
174
00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,390
oil -based.
175
00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:05,890
Wait. What will everyone at school
think?
176
00:13:06,170 --> 00:13:08,150
That you married idiot Smurf?
177
00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:16,070
I hope you're not wearing that.
178
00:13:16,310 --> 00:13:18,050
I could ask you the same question.
179
00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:22,790
Why do I even have to go? I mean, you
said yourself that this is a silly
180
00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:24,090
Fine.
181
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:24,989
Don't go.
182
00:13:24,990 --> 00:13:26,730
You can all just stay home.
183
00:13:27,050 --> 00:13:28,590
They'll probably embarrass me anyway.
184
00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:53,170
I'm a twerp, but now they're going to
think I'm the crazy kid with the
185
00:13:56,250 --> 00:14:00,870
Justin, you can't go through life caring
about what other people think.
186
00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,530
Why not? You do.
187
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:09,350
You do make it so easy being the good
one.
188
00:14:10,670 --> 00:14:13,710
At least there's one person in this
house I can count on.
189
00:14:27,050 --> 00:14:28,570
We're taking them back to school right
now.
190
00:14:28,870 --> 00:14:30,270
I don't have them anymore.
191
00:14:31,050 --> 00:14:32,750
Haley. We let them go.
192
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:39,710
We?
193
00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:42,650
You want her to get into Harvard, don't
you?
194
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,450
I see.
195
00:14:46,890 --> 00:14:47,890
Fine.
196
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:49,330
I'll go alone.
197
00:14:51,330 --> 00:14:56,030
But I just want to thank you all for
making me feel like the worst mother of
198
00:14:56,030 --> 00:14:57,030
year.
199
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:25,050
Pope Chinowski, local lesbian dances
with wife.
200
00:15:28,770 --> 00:15:31,570
I know. Wife.
201
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:54,800
rushing to get here and this angry cop
pulled me over and boy did she give me a
202
00:15:54,800 --> 00:16:01,440
tongue lashing hi sally hey
203
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:08,440
kathy
204
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:14,720
you brought my favorite i love your
sticky buns
205
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:22,940
Watering already.
206
00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:28,640
So, Hope, where's your family?
207
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,400
They're not feeling well.
208
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:32,860
I can only imagine.
209
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,300
Shall we begin?
210
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:45,020
As you all know, every year, the faculty
and the administration... Mrs.
211
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:49,560
Chinowski, I just want to tell you that
I'm sending my Aunt Anna your picture.
212
00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:54,970
I think that it might finally inspire
her and her roommate to come out.
213
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:57,770
Oh. Well, I'm glad I can be... Wait.
214
00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,110
What picture? This one.
215
00:17:01,630 --> 00:17:02,630
Oh!
216
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:10,530
In our tradition, we will begin by
hearing a few words from last year's
217
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:15,730
Buzz Aldrin Elementary Mother of the
Year winner, Hope Tanofsky.
218
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:24,720
Hello there.
219
00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:26,540
Hope Shanowski.
220
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,000
Local lesbian.
221
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,300
There's actually really a funny story
behind this.
222
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,400
Anyway, I can't imagine what you must
think.
223
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:55,240
Actually, I changed my mind.
224
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,420
I don't care what you think.
225
00:17:59,820 --> 00:18:01,280
I don't care about this silly award.
226
00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:04,940
Because last night I learned a valuable
lesson.
227
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:07,320
It doesn't matter what you think of me.
228
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,200
It only matters what I think of me.
229
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:18,960
And the real reason I wanted to win
Mother of the Year is because deep down,
230
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,900
I never feel like a good enough mother.
231
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:24,690
Or good enough anything.
232
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:28,550
I am always judging myself.
233
00:18:29,710 --> 00:18:31,730
And as a result, judging my kids.
234
00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,630
Who, by the way, I think are wonderful.
235
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:46,630
So, I don't need to win Mother of the
Year.
236
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:49,550
Because I've got something much better.
237
00:18:50,850 --> 00:18:52,230
I have Family of the Year.
238
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,200
You found love.
239
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:06,380
And by the way, Hope Schnaufke's wife
has a name.
240
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:12,240
And it's Faith Fairfield. Good day.
241
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,480
You were robbed, Mom.
242
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:23,080
You know Sally's daughter?
243
00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:25,650
He told me that her parents sleep in
separate bedrooms.
244
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,070
Aw, Sydney.
245
00:19:29,090 --> 00:19:30,970
That's the sweetest thing you've said in
months.
246
00:19:36,270 --> 00:19:37,270
Oh.
247
00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:44,570
Hello.
248
00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:45,830
Hey, Hope.
249
00:19:47,050 --> 00:19:49,150
Bobby. From the fundraiser.
250
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:54,040
I was wondering if you want to go for a
little spin in my old Camino.
251
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:57,140
I bought donut holes.
252
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:02,380
Well, that sounds lovely, but I'm
happily married.
253
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:05,460
To that guy.
254
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,600
Oh.
255
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,440
Okay.
256
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,180
What kind of donut holes?
257
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,800
Chocolate glazed.
258
00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:20,690
I'm in.
259
00:20:26,170 --> 00:20:27,170
Don't wait up.
260
00:20:33,210 --> 00:20:40,090
So you need to send Sally Jones your
Mother of the
261
00:20:40,090 --> 00:20:40,929
Year trophy?
262
00:20:40,930 --> 00:20:42,230
Yep, that's the tradition.
263
00:20:42,650 --> 00:20:46,070
There's only one of them. Well, I think
it's time we start a new tradition.
264
00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:47,770
Haley?
265
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,360
have our little friend
266
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,450
I'll take him over.
267
00:21:19,050 --> 00:21:21,750
You could just stay in the car and
watch.
18450
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