All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s12e07 - The Integrity of the Product

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Is this a joke?

Yeah.

Hmm. Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I like that.

Oh. Wow. Hmm.

Hi. Hello,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

People often stop me in the street

and say, "Taking part in this show
looks so much fun, Greg.

"When are you gonna do a version
for non-celebrities?"

And I always give them
the same response.

I turn my head away
and I immediately cross the road.

If they follow me,
I contact the police

and I fabricate

a crime that results in
bare minimum,

a suspended sentence.

Now, let's meet

the special people who are better
than you

and your silly families.

They are Alan Davies.

Desiree Burch.

Guz Khan.

Morgana Robinson.

And Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And next to me a man who is
more than just a PA,

he's a P-A-I-N.

And he's always got his hands down
his P-A-N-T-S cos he's got an

R-A-S-H.

It's...

little Alex Horne!

Desiree...

Desiree snorted at that one.

When you mentioned the rash.
She must know.

She must know about your little pink
blotches that you keep secret.

Always in spring, isn't it,
that it appears.

The blotches?

Yeah. Regular as clockwork.

Oh, look the snowdrops are just
fading away...

Yep. Right.

On with the prize task. Got it.

And this time you've asked them
to bring in

the most ridiculous thin thing.

Now I've seen some ridiculous thin
things in my life

and I'm about to see some more,
so it's a great day

for me, there are five points for
the most ridiculous thin thing

and all five of the ridiculous thin
things will eventually go home

with tonight's winner.
It's great stuff.

Desiree, what ridiculous thin thing
will you present to me?

They are these trunks that when you
get them wet in

the water they sort of dissipate,
they just come off of you.

Dissolving pants from Desiree.

Yes. Here they are.
They look like normal pants.

Get 'em wet. Get 'em wet.

Oh. They fall apart.

It's such a shame that you've

introduced those on this show cos
I genuinely would buy those

for Alex.

I'd love for your truth
to be revealed to the public.

Truth? Yeah.
I've always called it my truth.

That's what I call it.
I call it my truth as well.

So a strong opener I would say. OK.

Desiree, a strong opener.
Morgana. Dissolving pants?

No, but I have brought with me today

the most ridiculous thin thing that
I could find which is

Vic Reeves' beard hair.

Oh.
And we can see it, I think, being

plucked from the face
of Vic Reeves.

Take your pick. Go on.

Did you get it? Cool.
Put it in. Look.

Oh.

OK.
Wow. You're just in a pub there?

Yeah, just, just met up at Co-op.

The video was ridiculous.
So ridiculous.

What you were wearing
was ridiculous. Yeah.

The concept's ridiculous.
Is the hair ridiculous?

Oh. Hmm.

I was trying to start a heated
debate but no-one gives a shit.

Guz. Hi.

Can you beat a hair?
Can you beat some dissolving pants?

Who knows? I actually think they're
both very good.

But I chose this in particular
to please one person

and one person only
and that is you.

Well done.
But... Thank you. Let's have a look.

Here it is.
It's a picture of this person.

Oh. Alex Horne as Where's Wally.
Let me explain.

If we weren't in
a pandemic I'm sure like a,

a genuinely plausible task
of his might be

to take us all to
a very crowded place,

Alton Towers in the summer,

full of kids all shitting all over
the place

and he would say in as quickly as
you can, "Search for me."

On school trips.

You've seen kids
shitting themselves?

One kid when we were in primary
school on

a log flume - never lived it down.

What was his name? Shitty Sajid.

And he started saying

the name before you even asked him
for the name.

Um, Alan.

I've brought in an LP,
vinyl LP from the 1980s.

They're thin. They're thin.

Uh, it's a time when I was
a student.

It's a time when Nelson Mandela was
still in prison,

the Berlin Wall was still up.

Keep it light.

And I chose to buy, in 1987,

Popped in, Sold out by Wet Wet Wet.

Here it is. Popped in,
Sold out - Wet Wet Wet.

Aw.

What's your favourite Wet Wet Wet
song, Alex?

I liked it when they were
Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet.

You know they had five Wets for
a while.

Yeah, then they cut it down. Yeah.

OK, Victoria.

I have brought in something that
I made.

Oh, Christ. Let's have a look at it.

OK, here it is. There it is. Now.

Oh, oh, well done.

You remember some time ago,
I brought in

the most elegant thing beginning
with G,

Greedy Esquire, but he's thin.

Shall we just have a look at him?
Yes, we can see.

Look there we go. Very thin.

You ridiculed him.
I don't find him ridiculous.

I don't think he's at all ridiculous
but you find him ridiculous.

Let's see you put me last now.

Right. Very good.

So, if you don't mind me saying,
somewhat aggressively submitting

Mr Greedy Esquire again for

the most ridiculous thin thing which
I...

I'm gonna doff my invisible cap to
her.

Checkmate. Or doff it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right this is easy.
Sorry, Guz.

Where's Wally,
it's not ridiculous enough for me.

I genuinely would expect

to see Alex wearing that outfit
of his own volition.

I feel mean about this

but a single hair on its own in

isolation's not that ridiculous even
though Vic Reeves is one of

the most ridiculous people there is.

Two points to Morgana
and her mouth is wide open.

Not gonna make the Wet Wet Wet
album

the most ridiculous thing.
It's undeniably thin.

It's undeniably ridiculous

and there's a bit
of quality on there as well.

Three points to Alan.

Four points to Desiree and really

because I imagined them dissolving
off you.

Ah. Victoria with an absolute
masterful hand by

a poker professional,

she takes the five points
with Mr Greedy Esquire.

Yes. Yeah, baby.

All right, then, come on,
let's see some action.

Yes. And let's see
a spot of DIY action.

These look kind of like billiard
balls but not. Billiard balls.

I guess, I don't even know,

what it is in this country actually.

I don't even know.
Snooker, sorry, uh,

or snucker or snooker.

Put up a shelf for all
the Taskmaster's snucker balls,

snooker, whatever.

All of Taskmaster's snooker balls
must be at the Taskmaster's eyeline.

Only the Taskmaster's snooker
balls may be on the finished shelf.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

Put up a shelf. Yes, please.

How tall is he?
I'm not sure. He seems tall.

Six foot six?

I'm gonna go and Google how,
how tall he is.

All right.
Can I... have you got a phone?

Yes.

Can you Google for me?

OK. Tell me what to type in?

How tall is Greg?

How, how tall is...

Greg...

Greg Davies.

How are we spelling that?

Uh, how tall is Greg
from Taskmaster?

OK.

Right, Morgana appears not
to be 100% sure who I am.

I am now.

Good. Yeah.

Desiree says snucker.

Like cooker.

It's hard to know which
British pronunciations of,

you know, your language are
the ones that you follow

because is it book, uh, look, snook.

Snucker's not a word in any...

Snicker?

..in any land.
OK, fine. Snooker.

What's first on our agenda?

Move over, handy Andy and Craig from
Big Brother.

Make way for Handy Morgandy

and Victoria from Only Connect.
Here we go.

I don't, I... What? Ugh.

Ugh!

You seem quite outraged.

Well, I don't know how you put up
a shelf.

A shelf? A shelf, please.

Can I use a shelf that's already
been made?

Well, just move that.

Work with me, guys.

Pop that there.

His eyeline is gonna be up there,
isn't it?

Oh.

The shelf is up.

Nothing on there
but the Taskmaster's balls.

Shall I stop the clock?

Stop. Thank you very much.
Thanks, Victoria.

Well, that doesn't work.

Ah!

I think what we need is just
a little bit of texture.

Yeah. OK, please.

Oh, you're an arsehole!

Ohh!

Why don't I just do it the other way
round?

Look at this.

Oh.

I think this is
gonna be all right, you know.

Yeah.

If I don't hear anything drop

I reckon it means they've stayed
up there.

Oh, time stopped. Is that it?

I've stopped the clock.

That'll do.

Incredibly competent by Victoria.

Mm-hmm. Found some shelves,

put the snooker balls on
the shelf.

Now, the only thing I would notice
is it's

a good job you are as short as
you are

because in the opening seconds you
would've chopped your own head off.

Yes. That was the closest we've come
to a serious injury on the show.

Morgana, similar technique.

Find some shelves,
bring them out

but then you added smash
the shelf to pieces.

You turned it upside down.
You called it an arsehole.

Actually I think it was
the ball I was calling an arsehole.

But ultimately settled on
the cushion system.

Yes, and actually all that work did
mean it was closer

to your eyeline, Greg.

Yeah.
Cos Victoria's was very quick. Hey.

Ah.

Victoria's was quick
but more sort of chin line.

It was 71.5 centimetres.

God, you are tall, aren't you?

Right, that's the end
of that part. Be gone.

Well, hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies. This is Alex.

Hi, Greg. Hi, guys. Hi, Alan.

Before the break we discovered that

Greg's snooker balls were in
desperate need of a shelf

to sit on.

And it had to be at Greg's eyeline.

Victoria and Morgana used shelves
to make their shelves.

Let's see how Alan and Desiree went
about it. Here we go.

What do I get to make
the shelf out of?

Whatever you want, Desiree.
OK. Might need this.

Have you got anything that's six
foot six tall?

I'm six foot two.

Put it on you.

They're not going anywhere.

Fastest wins.
I know, I know. Come on.

Six foot's 180, right?

OK. I mean, it's hard
to believe that that's where his

eyes are but I think they probably
are about there.

This was the initial plan. Yeah.

Sucker butt. OK.

Are you still trying to say snooker
ball? Yeah.

I think you could probably hang that
up there.

It's a little gravity.

So I'm gonna try

and put it on something.
It's a different strategy. Yeah.

Ah. Oh, jebus.

I feel a shelf coming on.
I can feel a shelf coming on.

OK. No-one lost an eye.

Do you want me to stop the clock?

I think so.

Doing this again?

I think so.

This is the snooker balls in
a little bit of soil on that shelf.

So you want me to stop the clock?

Yes, yes, I desperately want you
to stop this clock.

I've stopped the clock.
I like your shelf.

Thanks.

What I love was the cocked leg
system.

Yeah. It felt like,

this was cheating
but this was now in play.

Did you forget where you'd put
the table?

"I know that table's here
somewhere."

"I guess I'll have to estimate."

Um, Alan, when you got the tray out
I thought,

"Oh, OK, that's really clever
because the balls are contained."

Of a hundred ideas that was
the one good one.

And then you attempted

to turn it into some sort
of cradle hanging from the fence.

Then you just gave up
and you just piled

a load of rubbish up
and stuck the balls on top.

Yeah. It was getting dark.

I mean Desiree's
the only person who's entered into

the spirit of this really in that
she did attempt to build a shelf.

No, I attempted to.

Who's left?

It's just Guz Khan left.

Yes. Here we go.

That's the cupboard door.

What is the definition of a shelf?

Definition of a shelf? Yeah.

A flat length of wood... Yeah.

..or other rigid material attached
to a wall or forming part of

a piece of furniture that provides
a surface for

the storage or display of objects.

Technically, you said attached to
a wall, right?

Providing something is touching
two surfaces,

technically it's attached.

Quite a big shelf.

You said a flat piece of wood

and you know what's going on
above here?

Flat piece of wood, that.

I mean, it's actually more of
a challenge to be honest with you.

And go here for you, bro.

I believe that's what you call
a shelf.

With all the Taskmaster's snooker
balls on.

Stop the clock? Thank you, Guz.

Thank you.

You got the definition of
the shelf, you were happy with it.

That was not just a door or
a piece of wood.

It had an accompanying rail of...

you might call 'em coat
hangers, yeah.

But you can display any number

of objects on those coat hangers
like pictures of your family

and friends, G-strings,
whatever you want.

It's entirely up to you what you
want to display up there.

But of the many things you could
display, you went with

pictures of your family
and friends or G-strings.

Yeah, just the two sides

of pendulum, innit, like
whatever you want up there, right?

OK, yeah.

And then on top of that,

I believe there was
a flat surface constructed

of wood which had all your balls
very nicely displayed

and was also completely attached
to the fence.

So that was the result
of what we had.

I mean he's absolutely captivating,
isn't he?

Hmm.

We all saw with our own eyes he
just leaned

a couple of things up against

the fence and balanced some balls
on it.

Well, he... And yet I'm totally
drawn in by the man.

So Desiree was the slowest,

19 minutes with the cock system.

Morgana 17 minutes.

Alan 13 minutes.

Guz was seven minutes
but Victoria just three minutes.

Wow. Very speedy with her dragging
the shelves.

Blimey. Yeah. But it was the lowest
of the shelves.

The furthest from the eyes.

Well, if you,
if you penalise me for that I,

that's literally
physical discrimination.

So be it.

So are you gonna change
the points at all for,

uh, eye-level-ness?

Give them the five
to one points according to speed.

But then... Right.

I think we should score it again
according to...

Eyeline height. ..eyeline height.

Yeah. Then I think we should divide
the scores by two.

So your eyeline is 76 inches.

Yeah. Desiree's was 77.

Then we have Alan's 77.5.

Morgana's was 78 inches then
Guz's was at 73 inches.

Victoria's 71 and a half so she
would just get the one point there.

So these four people all get
three points

because Morgana's was rounded up
from two and a half.

Lovely. This guy, Alan Davies.

Who just put, piled a load of
rubbish against a fence.

He got,
he got three and a half points

but we're rounding that up
to four points. He wins the task.

Life's not fair. Four points.

OK, do you have some scores?
I do.

It's an unfamiliar leaderboard
because right at the top

with eight points it's
Victoria Coren Mitchell.

Onwards.

Onwards and here's
a catchy little task for you.

Hello. Balloons.

Write and perform
a 30-second jingle.

You must reach into the barrel
to find a subject of your jingle.

Then pop a balloon to discover

the instrument that you must play
under your jingle.

Hence the pin.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time starts as soon as you've
chosen your subject and instrument.

OK.

Choices, there are choices.

Shall I unwrap it?

Do you know what that is, Alan?

I don't know what it is.
Printer of some sort? Nearly.

Laminator.

What is this?

I still don't know what this is?
Is this shrimp?

Oh!

Scared the shit out of me.

Snakes in a can.
Just snakes in a can.

Yeah, your jingle is about
the snakes in a can.

Victoria? Yes.
Why are you putting them away?

Oh, I don't know, really.

For the, it was for the integrity of
the product. OK.

Oh!

So annoying.
Right I'm gonna leave it there.

What about the integrity of
the product?

Well, never mind - it can just be
like that.

Don't know why that's funny.

It's on a scroll.

And on the scroll it says
"mini drum kit."

A mini drum kit.

That is exactly the kind of musical
instrument that I would've wanted if

I was doing this task.

Ah. A stylophone.

That's a good instrument.

If, you know, if I could play.

Swanee whistle.

Swanee whistle.

Oh, have you played
the swanee whistle before? Mm-hm.

I've got a black belt. Have you?

Lovely, uh,
differentiation between

the laminator reactions, I thought.

Old father time didn't know what
that fangled technology was, did he?

Didn't have the strength the pop
a balloon!

Right, shall we?

OK, we have a good range
of instruments and products.

Before we see the fruits
of their labour,

here is an insight into everyone's
jingle-making process.

That's not a swanee whistle.

Oh. OK this is fun, OK.

This, bro, this is...

Oh!

This is not a swanee whistle.
Oh, I'm thinking of a kazoo.

How do you change the note?

How do you write a jingle
to drums? I am not Phil Collins.

HE PLAYS DRUMBEAT

Does it have anything to do
with this thing? Yes.

Maybe a bit quicker?

Sticks. Who needs sticks?

Are you meant to change note by
turning that? No.

No. Ah!

Why is it funny?

There is nowhere good to put a
crabstick that doesn't sound foul.

I'll never better it.

Oh, Victoria.

Incredible.

Guz, instantly I think yours is
gonna be the best.

It... that, that was a lot of fun.

And I, I did end up buying it
to take it home.

It's broke now it was broke.

I'm looking forward
to seeing everybody's jingles.

Right, as you saw they recorded
their music first

and then performed
the jingle over the top

and the first one we're gonna see
is for snakes in a can

with a swanee whistle to add
a touch of musicality

and it's Morgana's attempt.

SWANEE WHISTLE PLAYS

♪ Snakes in the can

♪ Snakes... Snakes in the can

♪ Gun. Snakes in the can

♪ Snakes...

♪ Snakes in the can

♪ Gun

♪ Snakes, snakes, gun, gun

♪ Snakes in a... can. ♪

It was one fresh vibe, if you don't
mind me saying.

May I offer up a small criticism?
Yeah.

Would it ha...

Would it be fair
to say you may have taken

the fun out of the product
a little?

Well, I was going for a sort of
dirty sort of Berlin vibe, you know.

But that was so cool...

Yeah.

..and I just don't see how it's
gonna accompany the product.

This is where I have

the natural advantage cos I don't
think the aim was

to make the jingle the best thing.

It was to make people want
the snakes in the can.

Let's see what Victoria,

a woman who, seconds before this
composition, didn't know what her

instrument was...

Yes, same product, same musical
instrument. Different outcome.

Do you know someone who likes
a surprise?

Buy them snakes in a can.
See the joy in their eyes.

You had a sunny background
designed at great expense, no doubt,

and the demeanour of
a funeral director.

I thought I was quite smiley there.

It's less joyful than,

"Do you know someone who's been
injured in an industrial accident?"

"Need to kill someone?"

That genuinely seems to me
to be just jolly.

"Buy them snakes in a can.

"I mean, they can't do anything else
after the accident."

I'm not seeing what you're seeing.

I think that looks like a jolly
person going,

"This is going to be fun in a
thing." Right. "There it is."

Well, you keep telling yourself that
while you nurture your one point.

I can smell three drifting
in on the breeze.

It's a fresh, exciting smell
and I want it now,

so as I vanquish part two's rotting
stench with an odour neutraliser,

go and watch some adverts
and get ready for eau de trois.

Hello. Welcome back
to part three of Taskmaster.

♪ I've missed you
and I've kissed you

♪ And I've tissues
inside these shoes. ♪

Jingles,
that's the name of the game.

Next up, and trying to
sell crabsticks with a drum kit,

it's Desiree.

DRUM INTRO

Did you wake up crabby?
Who, me? Yes, you.

Well, I woke up crabby...
Let me tell you what to do.

Put a crabstick in your face.

We got all the crabs in
the same place.

It'll rid you of all your acne
and your flab.

The only thing it can't do is be
real crab. Don't ask it to.

Banging, man! Banging.

How else are you gonna sell
crabsticks? It's not even real crab.

Now, that's a jingle.
That's a jingle.

I concede that was better than mine.

So the contestants chose

what they wanted behind them
on the green screen,

so the skateboarding grandmother,
that was all Desiree's inspiration.

Yes, as a child of the '90s,

every commercial
had a skateboarding grandma

eating a taco or a Twinkie or
something, just like,

super into it so the kids know,

"Even grandma think it's cool,
so we'd better get in on this."

Right. Let's see some more.

OK. Next up, it's Alan,
accompanied by stylophone.

And this is a big one

because we all know
the Taskmaster loves his laminator.

ALAN: Imagine a world without
lamination.

♪ Laminate, laminate,
just in case you spill

♪ Laminate, laminate,
on your granddad's will. ♪

You've gone for
a very specific audience.

It'd be a nice thing, that,

to have playing on
a loop outside funeral homes.

During the reading of a will.

Yeah, really good, Alan. Finally...

Finally, someone else is going to
try to sell you a laminator.

This time, with drums and me,
it's Guz.

DRUMS PLAY

Uh.

Uh.

Uh, exclusive.

These man here, they wanna jingle.

But you see me, blud,
I wanna eat Pringles.

Pringles. Man was single.

Single. Free to mingle. Mingle.

Back then my ting used
to go tingle. Tingle. Tingle.

But now I'm like a laminator.

But I was blocked, constipator.

I'm done with my bath.

Ta ta, see you later.

Ta ta, see you later.

So good!

Well, A, you should never use Alex,

he destroyed
the urban vibe instantly.

I wanna drill down into
the narrative, if I may, a little.

As far as I could tell,

you initially reminisced about
your life as a single man. Yes!

During which period your penis...

..your penis regularly tingled.

Yeah, he was eating a lot of
Pringles. He was eating Pringles.

He was mingling and his penis was
tingling. Yeah. And then...

He laminated his penis.

That's what I got.

Would have been a good health and
safety thing, I expect...

No, when it comes to the laminator,
right at the end of the jingle,

Guz simply rhymed the word laminator
with constipator.

Like, it was one of them,
it was just...

It was one of them?

Well, it was a subtle,
just a subtle product placement.

Also, you were playing the drums
for 14 minutes

and then wrote it for one.

OK, Greg,
we need to mark these jingles.

I don't think I should give anyone
one point.

Mm-hmm. OK.

I should give Victoria two.

She should thank me
for both of them.

I... I thought you were going to
say zero.

OK, so two to Victoria.

I really loved Guz and Alan.

I'm not convinced that they reached
as broad a audience

as they might have.

I have to put a gulf between theirs
and Victoria,

I'm going to give them both
four points.

If you're saying...

You think there was more joy

in Alan's discussion
of laminating your granddad's will

than in my joyful snake exploding
out of a can, Alex laughing...

I think that's exactly
what he's saying.

So the lamination brothers get
four points each. That's right.

I'm going to give Desiree
and Morgana a sweet five points each

because they both made me want to
rush out and buy their products.

There we go.
Five points to Desiree and Morgana.

What's the last task today,
please, Alex?

Well, the last task involves
a fiendish dilemma, Greg,

and a big old pipe.

D'oh.

Tube and a box.

Yes.

"Either get the pipe through
the box..."

"And everything in it."

"Then get the box and everything
in it through the pipe."

"Or get the box and everything in it
through the pipe,

"then get the pipe through the box
and everything in it."

"Get the pipe through the box
and everything in it,

"then get the box and everything in
it through the pipe,

"or get the box and everything in it
through the pipe,

"then get the pipe through,

"through the box
and everything in it."

"Fastest wins. Your time starts
now."

Do you want to talk us through it?

I think Desiree's talked us through
it enough, hasn't she?

Made it very clear what the rules
were.

It was a rough day. You're shoving
everything through a thing

or you're shoving
the thing through everything else.

Here's what Alan,
Desiree and Morgana did.

SHE GASPS

Oh, you fuckers.

Shove the pipe through this.

You're already tights,
just remain tights.

Cool. OK. So, bing, bong, bing.

It gets harder the smaller it gets.

I've gotta get that
actually through.

Everything's through the pipe.

"Get the box and everything in it
through the pipe."

It doesn't have to be in the box.

These are definitely footed
tights.

Yeah, that's where they like to
tear.

I'll just have to get a poker.

How am I gonna get this through
this pipe?

Dramatically reduce it in size
with a bit of rubber action?

Around, is that through or do I
need to adhere these sides now?

I think that's good.

I think it'll all go through once
I begin the great push, you know.

Oh, no, I've got a blockage.

This would be a good thing
to, to assist in the great push.

The cardboard tube's stuck.

ALEX: Well, we haven't had the great
push yet, have we?

That was part of the great push.

Oh, it's always the sponge.
Oh, look at that. Done.

Oh, relief.

Stop the clock.

ALEX: I've stopped it.

Oh, well, I'll be amazed
if anyone was slower than that.

Good.

What I was most delighted by is,

you've already brought the world
"snucker",

you've already brought
the world "jebus",

and now a new catchphrase was born.

You probably don't even remember it,
but I noted it.

Bing, bong, bing. There it is.

It was the perfect attempt at
the task.

She did it quickly as well, 10.15.

Wow. Wow. Oh.

Morgana, it seemed to me
that you're a professional

put-things-through-a-pipe and
then put-the-pipe-through-things.

I like a good prod.

There was even one point where you
went "Oh, no, I've got a blockage",

and I thought "Oh, good,
things have gone wrong for Morgana

"on this thing
that she's clearly done before"

and you went,
"It's always the sponge."

She was 12 minutes 48,

so just a couple of minutes slower
than Desiree, but still speedy.

By great contrast... Hmm.

..Alan very slowly put all of
the things at once into a pipe

and then made multiple references
to the great push.

Every time you said it, I thought
of, of the Great Leap Forward

where communism was introduced
across China. Famously.

And resulted, famously, in
millions and millions of deaths.

But I was listening to Wet Wet Wet.

Well, also, before that you were
meant to get the pipe

through the box and everything in
it. Yeah.

He just put everything in the box

and then just put the pipe through
the box. Right.

So he didn't really do
the things we wanted him to do.

So the great push is one of
the most incompetent movements.

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Alex, there's only one part left
now. Who do you think's gonna win?

Well, with the fans we have, Greg,

there's really only ever one winner.
Us.

Hello, welcome back to
the final part of the show.

Soon, someone will win big

and by big, I mean
a Wet Wet Wet album.

But not yet. Nowhere near it.
There are still two people left

trying to get the pipe through the
box and everything in it,

then the box and everything in it
through the pipe,

or the box and everything in it
through the pipe,

then the pipe through the box
and everything in it.

Here's the last two,
Victoria and Guz.

Wait, the box and everything in it
through the pipe.

That's got to happen first.
Oh. Let me look for a stick.

What's this?

OK.

It's too short.

I'm very resourceful when
I'm allowed to leave the table,

am I allowed to leave the table?

All the information's on the task.
Back in a minute. OK.

Wooden cutlery is what you have
in this place.

Right.

Of course, this is not gonna
go because the stick's too short.

Found a spear, brother.
Found a spear.

Huh!

Come out, you little shit.

Have you finished? Yeah.

Yeah, I've... "And then get
the pipe through the box."

OK, I've got a longer stick,
a tape measure

and a snack to reward myself
in case I get it right.

Right. I'm gonna use
the orange for leverage.

Come on! There we go.

Lovely.

There.

I want to confidently say
I completed my task.

But I'm not confident about it.

Uh, and now it's gotta go
through everything.

This is just for safe purposes.

I think technically,
I've finished now.

Shall I stop the clock?
Please, yeah.

Are you finding this erotic?

Yes.

Pants.

OK. Done.

No, box! No.

Oh, I've started the clock again.

I've stopped the clock again.
Bye, Guz.

There. Done.

Stop the clock? Yes.

Wow.

I don't think Guz ever knew

if he had completed the task or not.

It never matters with Guz,
though,

because the flair of the man

suggests it's all gone perfectly to
plan.

And the audacity of the,

I'm gonna call it the bazooka move,

that you introduced halfway
through was absolutely poetry.

Yeah. You know, on a drive home,

the wording for this task
kept going through my head.

And I don't know how you feel,
Victoria,

but I felt like I needed some kind
of assessment.

I was on the phone
to old colleagues like,

"Yo, man, I've got something wrong
with me,

"can you send me for an assessment?"

And they were like, "You got plenty
wrong with you, mate."

It was a really stressful time
for me.

The show's really messed with my
life. I just wanted to say. Yeah.

Victoria.

What?

I thought it was excellent.

All right,
I have got a couple of questions.

Why did you attach a small fork
to the end of the pokey stick?

Because the stick was too short

to push the things through the pipe,
so it needed an extension.

And she did use it to slice up
the sponge as well.

Yes, I sliced up the sponge.
So very resourceful. Yes.

So she used the tools.

She used her little wooden fork.

She popped it on the end

and most delightfully of all,

she brought herself a snack to
reward herself with afterwards.

It's often like watching a Famous
Five story with Victoria, I find.

Well done. Have you put a rat
in my dressing room?

What about some timings?

Yeah, well,
Guz and Alan don't get any points.

Victoria gets three for her
19 minutes, 16 seconds.

Morgana four, 12 minutes 48

but five points to Desiree,
with ten minutes 15!

There it is. Well done, mate.

Let's have a quick look at
the scores.

In this episode, Victoria's still
got a chance of winning.

She's on 13, but Desiree's out in
front with 17 points. OK.

All right, it's time for you all to
head to the stage, please,

for the final task of the show.

Hello, one and all. And hello you.

Would you like Victoria Coren
Mitchell to read the task?

Perfect.

"Each person must direct their
fellow contestants to draw an image.

"The drawing director may only use
the following words -

"line, circle, square,
big, small, up,

"down, left, right,
middle, please, bendy."

At the end of one minute,

the drawers must write down
what they think the image is.

The drawers will receive one point
per correct guess.

The drawing director will also
receive one point per correct guess.

Most points overall wins.

In each of your folders,
you will find an image.

That's what you're going to be
directing the others to draw.

You're not allowed any acting

or miming or saying any other words
or noises.

OK, so Alan, please look inside your
folder.

Mm-hmm.

Your minute to direct
the other drawers starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Line. Bendy.

Line, bendy.

Left, up.

No actions, please, Alan.

MORGANA LAUGHS

Middle, line.

You're still doing the actions.

Bendy up left, up right.

Bendy up left.

Bendy up right.

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE

Desiree, please show Greg.

Uh, what I think I've drawn is
the, uh, sweaty right boob.

A sweaty right boob.

Very specific.

Guz, what did Alan tell you
to draw?

Part of a colon.
Well, that's what I think.

Morgana,
what did Alan tell you to draw?

I've gone for a cheeky vase.

Beautiful vase.
And then finally, Victoria.

I've got a witch's nose and teeth.

A lovely witch's...!

Alan, do you want to reveal your
picture? Oh, a banan... Oh.

It was a banana.

What a colossal failure.

Yes, it's not easy, this.

You're not going to get any points

for hilarious things
about body parts.

Desiree, your minute starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Left line. Uh, down line.

Right line.

Middle line.

Down bendy circle.

Ah, the classic.

Middle square, uh,
right line, left line.

Right line, left line.

Uh, left square, right square.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Alan, what did Desiree want you
to draw? A car. Beautiful.

Beautiful car. Guz,
what did you draw?

Look, man, I dunno what's going on
here.

Uh, an angry water cow.

Oh, he's so cute, though.
Morgana, what did you draw?

Well, I thought it sounded
like an aeroplane meal.

Like a little bit of chicken
and a tiny bit of cheese, maybe,

and a bun or something. And
finally... I've got a winking man.

Ooh. A winking man. Lovely winking
man. It's not art nouveau.

Yeah. Oh, beautiful winking man.
Desiree?

My image was in fact a castle.

Oh. That's so difficult.

That was so hard.

Guz, your minute starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Let's, uh, start with a line.
Just the words, please.

Huh? Just the words on the list.

Oh, you bastard. OK. Line.
That's more like it.

Just down, down line.

You keep saying "just." Uh, middle.

Lovely. Bendy. Middle bendy.

Line. Circle-square.

Big, down-left-right.

While you do a circle there. Up.

Please. Down bendy right,
up bendy right.

Whoo! Line, middle,
bendy circle, please.

WHISTLE BLOWS

My main thing is, did you all have
fun doing that? Oh! Yes.

Alan Davies,
what did Guz Khan make you draw?

It's like a, one of those Henry
Hoover things. Yeah.

OK. Uh, Desiree, what have you got?

I think it was the map
of a mini golf course.

Right. Morgana, what have you drawn?

I think my money's on a wheelchair.
And Victoria?

I've gone with fruit.

Do you want to know what I got it
as? Yes, please, Greg.

I've got it as an evil clown's face.

Ooh!

You would have got a point, mate.

It's Greg Davies.

Oh. Ooh! Sick burn.

Nice diss.

Hello, Morgana. Hiya.

Your minute starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Line.

Li-i-ine!

Line.

Line.

Line.

Line.

Line.

Line!

Left, down,

right, up.

Middle, please.

I think I'm done.

Alan, what have you drawn?

It's a, a fence...

..or... it's a ladder.

OK, Desiree, what have you drawn?

Uh, I've drawn a train track
that ends in a brick wall.

Guz? Uh, I'm just writing messages
to my friends now, so...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Victoria?

I've got Lisa Simpson. Ah.
Wowee.

And they were supposed to draw...?

It's actually a harp, guys.

Alan's was nearly a harp, in a way.

It's no closer to a harp

than "Big up Cov & West Midlands
Mandem".

Victoria, you have one minute.

Middle big circle. Lovely.

Left, up line left.

Line left.

Left, line left, line left.

Very calm. Right, line right,

line right, line right, line right.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Alan, what did Victoria
make you draw?

I added the face. Yeah.
It's a spider.

OK, what have you drawn, Desiree?

I can only guess it is
a close-up of a cat nose.

Both quite similar.
Guz, what have you drawn?

I think Vic was describing

shitty Saj from earlier on
in that anecdote

and the thing I remember about
Saj

when he shit himself
on the log flume, he was smiling.

Might have been a grimace.

Morgana, what have you drawn?

I think it's a shark with
a massive ball sack.

LAUGHTER

Victoria? You were supposed to
draw...

..A spider! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

MORGANA: Alan, Alan, Alan! Wow.

One point to Alan
and one point to Victoria.

Wow. Well done, Alan.

Which means that they come joint
first in the task.

Hey, come down, we'll add that
to the final scores.

Come on.

Thanks, Greg. Thank you.

Well, obviously Victoria and Alan
were so much better at drawing

and directing the drawing
than anyone else.

They won the task,
they get five points each.

No one else gets any points cos
they didn't do anything right.

But that was so sick. Yeah! Wow.

It means it's the closest series
in Taskmaster history.

Three of them are on 110 points -

that's Desiree, Guz and Alan.
Victoria's on 91

and Morgana's on 113, just three
points away from the others.

However, thanks to those five
points,

this episode was
won by Victoria Coren Mitchell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Victoria Coren Mitchell wins.

Please go silly
for your thin things!

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt if you ever find
yourself stateside in LA,

you should make an effort by
learning a few colloquialisms.

Why not walk into a bar and shout,

"Jebus, guys, anyone fancy a game
of snucker

"and a few jars of bing bong bing?"

Goodbye, my friends,
see you very soon.

For now, here's tonight's winner
once more, Victoria Coren Mitchell!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media