All language subtitles for Carry on Admiral (The ship was loaded) 1957-en

[ INSPIRING MUSIC ]

[ BRASS BAND FANFARE ]

[ WHISTLES BLOWING ]

[ UPBEAT MARCHING MUSIC ]

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Heave, ho!

♪ Hit the deck.

♪ Fall in,

♪ Or bear with the parade.

♪ Spare your heads,

♪ Steady as you go.

♪ Heave out,

♪ Or bear with the parade.

♪ Fight beside, fight beside,
fight beside, fight beside.

[ WHISTLE BLOWING ]

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, carry on,
carry on! ♪

[ LOW BRASS MUSIC ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

Really, Jane, you know
you shouldn't do this to me.

Oh, simmer down, darling.

If an admiral can't give
his granddaughter a lift--

But I'm on official business!

Well, that's all right,
you can run along now.

Just hand me that
outboard motor.

I'll be back around
tea-time, Willy.

- Would you pick me up?
- Of course.

If you think my flag lieutenant

has nothing to do but--
oh, my goodness!

Take this, someone's coming.

JANE: [CHUCKLES]
Why, they're only rating.

As commander in chief,
I will not take the salute

with an outboard
motor in my hand.

Eyes!

Left!

[ MARCHING MUSIC ]

Eyes!
Front!

[ MARCHING MUSIC ]

[ CLATTERING ]

Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

Come on!
Fall in over there!

[ JANE LAUGHS ]

Wow.

[ DRILL SERGEANT ]
Shortest in the centre!

Well, stone the breeding crows!

I've never seen anything
like that in all my life.

You can say that again.

An outboard with
an half-inch shaft.

No good for sea work, though.

That looks a tricky
maneuver to me.

- Yes, it must do.
- Uh-oh. Can I help?

No, thank you,
I do this every day.

You do?
At the same time?

[ SHE CHUCKLES ]
All right. Take this.

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]
Thank you.

No, no, no, allow me,
I'll fix it for you.

- This one?
- Oh, yes, but--

Look, we're just casting off.

Why don't we give you a lift
to wherever you're going?

- Don't drop the cord.
- No, I just dropped it.

Look, you know,

this is absolutely no
sort of a job for a girl.

Well, I may not look it, but I'm
really a very capable character.

Oh, yes, I'm sure you are,
but these things have

quite a backlash, you know.
You can sprain a wrist,

slip a disc, you can do
practically anything.

Whoa!
[ SPLASHING ]

[ JANE LAUGHS ]

You were saying?
[ LAUGHS ]

[ SHIP HORN BLOWING ]

My outfits are good.

Yes, except that I smell
like a herring.

My fishing gear.

Where to first, up the sole
and around the lightship?

- 'Round the lightship?
- What, too dull?

How about the nudist
camp at the needles?

- Look, I hired this boat--
- Take a Deco through here.

Everything's larger than life.

What I want to see is HMS
Sherwood. Hard of port.

HMS Sherwood?

Yes, I'm taking command
of her tomorrow.

- You are?
- Yes, any comments?

Well, rust my rollocks.

Never mind your rollocks,
hard of port, man.

All right, all right!

[ EVOCATIVE MUSIC ]

There's the old girl.

Looks pretty good, doesn't she?

Scrap the lot, I say!
The navy's up the creek!

- Up the creek?
- Yes, up the creek!

Put 'em all in the air, I say.

- Flying cruisers, so to speak?
- It stands to reason!

Atom bombs, atom power,
atom cars, atom piles!

The atom's come
to stay, you know.

- I must tell it to the admiral.
- Yeah, you tell him that!

What's a battleship
worth these days, eh?

Ha, two penny for cold gin!
[ LAUGHING ]

- Look out!
- Eh?

[ RISING, WORRYING
MUSIC ]

[ WAVES CRASHING ]

- She's in, heave to.
- D'ahh, women drivers.

- Full start.
- Aye-aye.

[ SPLASHING ]

Hang on.

Now, take it easy, I'll
have you out in no time.

Thank you.
I can manage.

[ GRUNTS ]
[ SPLASHING ]

[ MAN LAUGHING ]

You were saying?
[ LAUGHING ]

Up you come.

And furthermore, I am
extremely sorry that I laughed.

I suppose it was a sort
of nervous reaction.

You know how it is.

Somebody says granny's been
run over by a water cart.

However much you may
love dear old gran,

your first impulse is to laugh.

JANE: My grandmother
died a natural death.

Oh, that's different.

I do wish you'd stop
being an enemy.

Look, I can take a joke
as well as the next person,

but to deliberately follow me
around just to get your own--

[ HE LAUGHS LOUD ]

What's the matter,
do I look like granny?

Believe me, it was a
complete accident.

We were so busy looking
at the Sherwood,

we really didn't see you.

So you didn't follow me.

You're just cruising
'round the Sherwood.

That's right, I'm taking
command of her tomorrow.

- The Sherwood?
- Uh-huh.

- Well, rule Britania.
- My name's Peter Fraser.

May I know yours?

Just call me Neptune's daughter.

Ah?

Stand by to make fast!

Quick, grab a fender.

Hey, grab a fender,
down near to starboard.

Fend off over there,
miss, just straight over.

Watch where it goes!
Ah! Fix it there!

Easy as it goes.

Watch where the
fend off is, miss!

Look, that's all right, okay!

PETER:
Take it easy.

All right, mate,
cross over there!

Just there, okay!
Right?

PETER: Right.
You know?

PETER: The least I can do
is to see you home.

No, it's very kind of you,
but it doesn't matter.

I know, you're still
angry with me.

- Oh, no, I'm not really.
- Ah, good.

Believe it or not, I've
accepted your story.

I hate to stay enemies
with Neptune's daughter.

Oh, then I'll declare
and armistice.

Did you know that you've
got sea-green eyes?

Must be the cold.

The cold.

The cold, good heavens!
Of course, how silly of me.

Quickly. Now then,
up you go.

You must go straight
home and drop

into some hot mustard
or something.

Yeah! And I should drop
this in, too, if I were you!

You're not, so bring it up.

If you can just tell me
where I can return these--

Don't worry, I'll go
around for them.

Well, I think I'd
better send them.

Whatever you say. Just send
them to me at the Harbour Hotel.

Hey, just a minute!

You might route the
lightship or something.

I'll see you get it back.

Lieutenant Commander
Peter Fraser, Harbour Hotel.

You're very young to be
a lieutenant commander.

Giving us youngsters
a chance at last,

retiring some of these
doddery old admirals.

Ahh.

About time, too,
don't you think?

May I take that?

Well, I'm sure I don't
want it, miss.

You're sure I can't
help you any further?

Well, you could just
tie the dingy up.

Yes, do that.

Is there any chance of
my seeing you again?

I'm afraid there
may be, captain.

There's plenty of chance
of you seein' me again!

Until I get me jersey,
me jeans, and me shoes,

and me oilskins, see?

[ GENTLE, QUAINT MUSIC ]

Hello, Willy.

Miss Jane!

Here, take this, will you?

Where's Grandpa?

Sir Maximilian's in
the drawing room.

Thanks.

But what do you wish
me to do with this?

Now, Willy.

Well, what is it, my man?

Your man is a girl and the
girl is your granddaughter.

We don't bother with
things like that.

Go and see--

great Scott!

Relax, darling, I got
dunked in the harbour.

- Dunked in the harbour?
- It was an accident, I think.

You haven't walked
through the town like that.

It was either this,
or in the nude.

You know, Jane, at times,
you make it difficult

for me to keep
my dignity at all!

Fiddle-faddle.

You didn't even recognize me,
so what chance anyone else?

And Grandpa, is the Sherwood
getting a new captain tomorrow?

Sherwood?

Because if she is, that's
all I wanted to know.

But if she isn't, I'm starting
a vendetta tomorrow.

No, no, you can't do
anything tomorrow,

I need you here.

The parliamentary
private secretary

of the first lord's
coming, and I--

But I promised to dingy
over to Sue--

I need you here
to be nice to him!

Oh, how awful.

Ehm, what's his name?

Wait a moment.
Willy!

He's booked a room
at the Harbour Hotel,

but I think we ought to ask
him to stay here, you know.

Willy!

So sorry, sir, I was just
getting rid of something for--

- What's this man's name?
- That's your granddaughter, sir.

No, not this man, the MP fellow.

Oh, the PPS, Baker, sir.

- Ah!
- Tom Baker.

Baker, that's it, yes.
Thank you very much.

You may be pretty
interested to hear,

that he's a sort of
distant cousin of mine.

Well, I never knew
anyone that wasn't.

Oh, and by the way,
I've also invited

that awful bore,
Tompkinson, to meet him.

This is gonna be
the good ol' tea party.

No, my idea, you see,
I thought Tompkinson,

and it's gone again.

- Baker, sir.
- Ah, thanks, surely.

Baker, they might bore
each other by talking,

you see, while I get my meal.

Good idea, yes.

I don't think they'll have
very much in common, sir.

Sir Henry's a socialist MP.

Of course he's a socialist.
What else could he be?

He wants to marry my sister,

what sort of fool do you
think that makes him?

- Your brother-in-law, sir.
- Exactly.

Now, Jane, in case
this mister--

- Baker, sir.
- I know the name.

Comes to dinner, put on something
a little more dignified.

- I'll wear my white bikini.
- Heh, yes. White suits you.

Now--

You see, sir,
Mr. Baker's a nephew

of old Lord McGull,
the fourth earl.

Now, his eldest son by his
third wife was my father,

and Mr. Baker's mother--

Ah, this is most interesting,
I quite agree,

but don't trouble me
with the sordid details.

By the way, you might ring
up the Harbour Hotel, and--

[ JAUNTY MUSIC ]

Would you take
that case in, please?

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

Yes, yes, right away.
I'll call you back.

- Page!
- Yes, sir.

Mr. Baker.

- See if he's arrived.
- Yes, sir.

Paging Mr. Baker!

Paging Mr. Baker!

You've found him.

- Mr. Baker?
- Yes.

- You're wanted at the desk, sir.
- Thank you.

- You want me? Tom Baker
- Ah, yes, sir.

Admiralty House
have been calling,

want to know the
moment you arrive.

Well, you had a message to
say that I'm arriving late.

- I have?
- Yes, and later,

there's a do not disturb
notice on the door.

There is?

But you'll give me the message
first thing in the morning.

I see. Well, perhaps
when you do arrive,

you'll sign here, sir, room 14.

I'll sign now!

It's just that I can't
face Admiralty House

until I've got my strength back.

Quite understand, sir.

You can't possible understand,

unless you've been in the
navy or in parliament.

Oilskins for Lieutenant
Commander Peter Fraser.

Thank you.
Page?

Peter Fraser,
I don't believe it.

My height, dark hair?

About my age?

That's a pretty
fair description.

Page, take these upstairs to

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, room 16.

Room 16! No, let me
take 'em, will you?

But do you know the
lieutenant commander?

Know him?

If it's the right Fraser,
this is the biggest meeting

since Stanley found
Dr. Livingstone.

Okay, Harold, home you go.

Well, I'm rather
glad about that.

I'm sorry, I'm late.
Anything I should know?

- It's all on the pad.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, except Mr. Tom Baker,
who's just arrived,

hasn't arrived yet, and is
upstairs with Dr. Livingstone.

[ WHIMSICAL TUNE ]

[ QUAINT, CURIOUS MUSIC ]

Oh, excuse me,
I seem to be lost.

The notice says 13 to 19,

but that's number 11,
and that one's number 10.

Oh, no, that's not 10,
that's 18,

only the top of the
eight broke off.

Broke off.

And that's not 11, that's 17,

only the top of the
seven broke off.

[ CHUCKLES ] I suppose
it can in the best hotel.

- What room do you want?
- Number 16.

There we are.

Oh, this one's number nine.

Oh, no, that's a six,
but it keeps slipping down,

and the one got
lost or something.

This floor seems to have had
rather a bashing, doesn't it?

Yes, it was that week
the American fleet was in.

[ CHUCKLES ]
I see.

[ KNOCKING ]

Oh!

He won't be able to hear you.
He's in the bath.

You don't run conducted tours
of the waxworks, too, do you?

No, I don't need any
nylons, chewing gum,

or American cigarettes either.

I'll bet you don't.

[ PETER SINGING ]

Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

PETER: Eh?

There's a bundle of
oilskins for you.

Oilskins?
Oilskins!

- Well, bring 'em up!
- They are up!

Is there a note with them?

- There doesn't seem to be.
- Well, undo them!

Certainly, sir. You wish me to
have them pressed for you?

No, no, no, to see if there's
a note inside, you fool.

I don't much like
being called a fool, sir.

Did a young lady bring them?

Not unless she was
wearing a crash helmet.

Crash helmet?

There doesn't seem
to be a note, sir.

Oh, blast.
Okay.

You'll find some change
on the table.

Take a shilling.

Oh, that's extremely
decent of you.

Is there any sort of a
valley in this place?

Tom Baker!

- Peter Fraser, how are you?
- Ha, ha, blow me down!

- What is it, 11 years?
- Piccadilly Circus, V-J night.

You climbed up on the
top of Veer House,

and stuck a tin
receptacle on his head.

And you sat on a fountain
in Trafalgar Square,

told the policeman
you're a ping pong ball.

The very thought of it
makes me thirsty.

Me too. The bell's there,
the one marked waiter.

Well, well, so they've made
you a lieutenant commander.

Yes, they have. I take over
the Sherwood tomorrow.

But what are you doing here?

Well, I'm a sort of advance man.

Advance man?
Oh, what's that?

Well, you know before
the circus comes to town,

they always send an advance
man to pave the way.

You mean you're
part of a circus?

Well, in a way.
I'm with the admiralty.

The admiralty?

You're talking to the
parliamentary

private secretary
to the first lord.

- Are you kidding?
- There's nothing to kid about.

The first lord is due here
the day after tomorrow

to sound out the admiral
about a new chief of staff.

I come on ahead to, what is it
they say in your vernacular?

See that everything
is shipshape.

Then heaven help
our native land.

I can probably have you
clapped in irons for that.

[ KNOCKING ]
Yeah?

Someone ring the bell?

We actually rang for the waiter.

Oh, the waiter's gone off.

It's probably the warm weather.

What we really
wanted was a drink.

Is it still gin and
water, Peter?

Oh, yes.

A bottle of gin, and charge it
to me, room 14, please.

Oh, I'm afraid they don't allow
drinks in the rooms anymore.

We'll go down to the bar.

- No, we want to be alone.
- We do?

- Will you drink scotch?
- I'll drink anything.

Well, I've got half
a bottle in my room.

Thank you so much
for your trouble.

- Here's a shilling.
- Oh, thank you.

Don't thank me, thank the
lieutenant commander.

[ DOOR SHUTTING ]

And why do we want to be alone?

Because I want you to help me.

You want some
duty free cigarettes.

I'm not kidding, Pete.

I want you to brush me up on
social conditions in the navy.

I've got a memorandum here
to discuss with the old man,

and it would help me if
you'd give me the lowdown

on the chaps below the stairs,
the serfs below the waterline.

[ CHUCKLING ] you know,
I just can't understand it.

How can such a thing happen?

- Such a what thing?
- How can you get such a job?

Well, as member of parliament

for Wormsgurk in two
consecutive elections--

Yes, but PPS to the first lord.

Well, it's just the
luck of the draw.

Take the minister of
transport, for instance.

This year's road casualty
figures have been so enormous,

they're thinking of making
him minister of war.

At least there's a tie up.

You don't know anything
about the navy.

That's why you're
going to teach me!

Is that so?

The debate will be
continued in room 14.

Well, to start with,
a ship has two ends.

The sharp end,
and the blunt end.

[ TRUMPET BLASTS ]

Now, Pete, the point is, the
first lord's a devil for a fall.

He says that everything
needs shaking up.

Starting with me.

No, but you can help me,
as I can help you.

Right back into
the ranks, room 14.

All I'm asking is that you
suggest some reforms

that I can suggest to him.

In other words, you want
me to stir it up.

I wouldn't quite
put it like that.

That's how the court
martial will put it.

[ DOOR THUMPS ]

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

[ KNOCKING]

I got the gin for you.

I had to pour it in a water jug,

to get it past the house keep.

There's a new gentleman
in room 14.

Get clean towels and sheets.

Right away, ma'am.

You must have read it
all in the papers.

Battleships or bombers.

The cabinet's going to appoint
a new chief of naval staff,

and 15 admirals are about to
get their cards and coppers.

Look Tom, glad as I am
to see you again--

No glasses!

There are glasses in my room.

The debate will be
continued in room 16.

Psst!
You've got it.

That's very nice
of you, so have you.

You know, what you wanted.

- Nelly!
- Yes, ma'am?

Will you please hurry up
with those sheets?

Right away, ma'am.

I don't understand you, Pete.

Haven't you ever wanted to
tell the C-in-C a thing or two?

There are times
when every sailor

would like to tell
him a thing or two,

sometimes a thing or three.
I've got some glasses.

Here's your opportunity
to tell him through me.

- Water?
- Ah-ah.

You've forgotten
our drinking habits.

Neat with a chaser.

Well, here's to new boats.

- Ship.
- Ship!

I see you can do it.

Ah, yes, but I no longer
sit on fountains.

Look, Tom, I'll give
you any tips I can,

but reform is your job.

Mine is to be an officer,
and do my duty.

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, has it occurred to you,

in a way, I'm your boss?

That is the most
unkindest cut of all.

[ CLINKING ]

[ COUGHING]

[ POUNDING ]
[ GROANING ]

Have some water.

[ COUGHING ]

- Gin?
- Gin.

[ WHEEZING ]
Get some water, quick!

Water it down.

Water it down, right down.

[ WHEEZING ]
Fresh air!

[ INHALING ]

Wrong.

The whole thing's ridiculous.

Place is rocking like a ship.

Who put gin in
the wattle botter?

Empty stomachs,
that's the trouble.

[ CHUCKLING ]
[ THUDDING ]

Empty stomachs, empty stomachs!

[ LAUGHING ]

You mustn't sit down,
that's fatal.

Got to keep moving around.
Drink this.

Water it right down.

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ COUGHING AND
WHEEZING ]

[ GLASSES CLATTERING ]

[ WHEEZING ] Uh! Oh!
Pull ourselves together!

Uh, coffee!
We gotta get coffee.

[ COUGHING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

This is serious!
[ CHUCKLING ]

[ BUZZING ]

♪ Life on the
ocean wave.

[ DRUNKEN SINGING ]

♪ The ocean wave,

♪ Is better than
life at sea ♪

You rang the bell?

- The bell?
- Coffee!

Where's the coffee?

♪ Life on the ocean wave. ♪
Terrible service!

Do you realize that this is the
parliamentary private secretary?

- Precisely!
- Sir!

Coffee!
Get coffee express.

Express-O coffee, you
pretty little thing, you.

[ NELLY SQUEALS ]

♪ A life on the
ocean wave. ♪

As a member of parliament
for Wormscake--

Wormsgurk!

I declare this room
well and truly lost.

♪ Good life on
the ocean wave,

♪ A life on the ocean wave,
Life on the ocean wave,

♪ Better than life. ♪

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

Stand still, number one,

you're swaying about
like a jellyfish,

you sloven-looking
thing.

[ KNOCKING ]
As captain of HMS Walscott,

at ease, I am wishing
to ask you,

why did you put gin
in the ship's water?

Answer me, number one!

Inside, you plop, not outside!

- You mutinous dog!
- Carry on, admiral!

Carry on what?

That's true in the navy,
when in doubt, carry on.

Splendid. And what can
I do for you, number two?

- It's your coffee, sir.
- You beautiful number two!

Carry on, number two!

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't I salute number two?

Not like that, sure,

to commission her
outside a cinema.

You're an officer and a
gentleman. Like that.

No, no, no, no!

You are in no fit condition,
number one.

No fit condition at all.

Peter, we must sleep this off.

This is absolutely ridiculous!

So, which room is
the captain's room?

16.

- And which one is this?
- 16.

Good night.

[ SNORING ]

[ SHIP HORN BLOWING ]

[ HOOTING ]

I don't know.
All these labels,

you'd think the public
were a lotta goof nuts.

This is a gun turret,
this is a quarter deck,

this is a torpedo tube.

This is a flipping
big torpedo tube.

- [ OFFICER ] Parker?
- Sir!

Find Lieutenant Lashwood
and tell him that his--

- Oh, good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

Your car's waiting
on the dock, sir.

Thank you.

All this must be finished before
the new captain gets here.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Dobson
is coming with me,

but I want the ship's
company on parade,

ready to pipe the new
captain to board at 09:30.

When do we open to visitors?

10 o'clock, sir.

Well, better rope off
the captain's quarters.

He won't want sight-seers
his first morning.

Aye-aye, sir.

Did you ring his hotel?

Yes, but he wasn't
answering phones.

Then, our shoreline went dead.

Casey's fixing it.

You don't suppose he'll
resent being picked up?

Not when he hears
today's schedule.

The public, the first lord, and a
new captain, all in one week.

What are they trying to do,
break our spirit?

- Harbour Hotel, please.
- Yes, sir.

[ QUAINT MUSIC ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, please.

- Oh, are you the gentlemen--
- Lieutenant Lashwood.

Ah, yes, we've been
ringing his room,

but he still doesn't answer.

Perhaps we ought to go up.

Uh, I understand the
lieutenant commander

was a little, shall we say,
jubilant last night,

so he may be,
shall we say--

- Sleeping it off.
- Shall we say.

- What number, please?
- 16, first floor.

Thank you.
[ PHONE RINGING ]

Harbour Hotel.
With Mr. Thomas Baker?

Yes, he's here,
but I can't ring him yet.

I understand he has a "do not
disturb" sign on his door.

In fact, he has three.

Good morning, can you tell me
where room 16 is, please?

- Oh, yes, just down there.
- Oh, thank you.

[ KNOCKING ]
Captain, sir?

[ KNOCKING ]
Captain?

- Have you got a key?
- A key?

You're not shore
police, are you?

Don't you know a vice
admiral when you see one?

Vice?
Ooh.

[ LOCK RATTLING ]
Come on, come on.

[ SNORING ]

Uh, sir.

This is a fine start
to an auspicious day.

All right, action stations.
And open that window,

this room smells
like a distillery.

Uh, Captain.

Captain, sir.

Wake up.
Time to get up, sir.

Seems a shame to wake him,
the head he's gonna have.

Well, we must get him
on board the Sherwood

before the visitors
start arriving.

Get a wet towel.

Will be the first time they piped
a horizontal captain aboard.

[ GROANING ]
Sir?

- What?
- Good morning, sir.

I'm Lashwood, your number one,

and this is
Sublieutenant Dobson.

[ TOM GROANING ]
Ohh, where's my head?

Take it easy, sir,
you'll be all right.

LASHWOOD: Sorry to
wake you like this, sir,

but we thought it wiser.

- Who're you?
- Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

- We have a car downstairs.
- A car?

- What's the time?
- Just after nine, sir.

- After nine?
I shall be late!

If you feel up to leaving
right away, sir,

we can just about manage it.

Right away?
[ CHUCKLES ]

I haven't shaved, and
I can't meet the C-in-C

with a nine o'clock shadow.

Oh, we shan't see the
C-in-C till later, sir.

There's some coffee here, sir.
It's cold, but it might help.

Oh, thank you so much.

- Get the captain some--
- That's very kind.

It's awfully good of you to
come and pick me up, Driftwood.

- Lashwood, sir.
- Mhm!

Don't you think that I make
a regular occurrence to this.

No, of course not, sir.

- Comb, sir?
- Oh, thank you.

I can hold my whiskey
with the best of them.

I'm sure you can, sir.

It was those gin chasers.

Gin chasers?

I wouldn't like the C-in-C
or the first lord to see--

Suffering cats, this uniform!

Don't worry, sir. We'll get it
pressed when you get back.

It's 9:10, sir.

- Yes, and we must go.
- I can't go like this!

Sir, we know you slept in it,

but I can assure you,
nobody else will.

But I gotta
get out of this--

Go now, you may run
smack into the visitors.

- The visitors?
- It's visitors' day, sir.

And from 10 o'clock, they'll be
swarming all over the place.

- That'd be terrible, I--
- It's very important, sir.

Yes, but are you
quite sure it's wise?

Yes, sir, we'll help you.

Now, now, wait,
you're rushing me,

and only half my
head is working.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to
walk into the public like this.

Heaven forbid, but I must
have a word with, uh,

I can't remember
the room number.

It's 9:20, sir.

Look, sir, you can send
her a message later.

I don't want to send a
message. Who's her?

Look, what's all
the hurry about?

Surely I can sneak in the
back way or something.

Sir, the first lord may
descend on us at any moment.

He doesn't arrive
until tomorrow.

We don't know that
for certain, sir.

But we do.

Send Commander Fraser's
luggage and bill to the Sherwood.

- I haven't paid for my bill.
- All taken care of, sir.

[ TOM GROANING ]

Hi.

All right, Jones, jump to it.

Yes, sir!

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

[ CAR DOORS THUDDING ]

Is Lieutenant Commander
Fraser in?

To be perfectly honest
with you, I don't know.

If he's in, then
somebody else is out.

If he's out, then
somebody else is in.

As somebody else.

I couldn't care less whether
he's in or out, or up or down.

- I want my oilskins.
- Your oilskins.

Yes, she said she'd
send them back to him,

so he'd get 'em back to me.

I see.

I think perhaps the safest
move would be for you

to contact the lieutenant
commander on the Sherwood.

That's one place he's
certain to get to eventually.

Can you beat it, eh?
I said send 'em back to me.

No, he said, you might be
out 'round the lightship.

Tryin' get 'round
back with a skirt,

he was, making cow eyes at her.

You could see
he got the quivers.

- His mouth his open, anything--
- Yes, yes, HMS Sherwood.

Thank you, cook.

Here, you better relax.
You got the quivers, too!

[ WHIMSICAL TUNE ]

[ DEEP BREATHING ]

Feeling better, sir?

Yes, much better,
thank you. [ GROANS ]

That was some bout.
How much further?

Just coming into the
dockyard now, sir.

The dockyard?

Good morning, sir.

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, HMS Sherwood.

Carry on, sir, please.

Now, wait a minute,
you don't understand, I--

You've gotta stop
this car immediately!

I know just how you feel, sir.

Only a couple of
hundred yards to go.

Try and hold out.

You shouldn't have said that.

[ ENGINE CAR STOPS ]

Easy does it, sir.

[ WHIMSICAL TUNE ]

NAVY MAN:
Ship's company!

Ship's company, front!

[ BOOTS STOMPING ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

I must get to a telephone,
do you understand?

It's imperative that
I get to a telephone.

Don't worry about a thing, sir.

There's a shoreline
in your cabin.

But I--

Right, get me there quick.

[ CLATTERING ]

[ WHISTLES BLOWING ]

Very nice, well done.

Telephone.

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

- Downstairs?
- Downstairs.

[ CLUNKING AND
CLATTERING ]

- Are you all right, sir?
- Yes, yes, thank you.

Lucky you didn't
break anything, sir.

It's this sword which keeps
getting between my legs.

Would you be kind enough
to put it in the cloak room?

Thank you so much.

- Your cabin's down there, sir.
- Yes.

Your luggage came yesterday.

- What about the telephone?
- In your cabin, sir.

Oh, yes, perhaps the waiter
could get me some coffee.

- Black, sir?
- Jet black.

- What's he doing?
- Sir.

We had a line fall
this morning, sir.

- Not fixed yet, Casey?
- Nearly, sir.

- Should he carry on, sir?
- Oh, yes, carry on.

Let everybody carry on,
just as if I wasn't here.

Perhaps you'd care to join
us in the wardroom, sir.

Yes, I'd like, no,
I think it'd be safer.

Oh, better if I stay here.

I hope your quarters
are all right, sir.

Oh, yes, very snug.

Perhaps somebody might
open the window.

[ SCREWDRIVER CLUNKS ]

Yes, sir.

[ KNOCKING ]

- First visitors aboard, sir.
- Thank you, sergeant.

- Any further orders, sir?
- No, no, do what you always do.

Give them tea, crumpets,
anything you like.

Tea and crumpets, sir?

Well, the tax payer's
got to be allowed

to inspect his property
sooner or later.

Scratch the paint, chuck
cigarette ends around.

Yes, sir.

They've all got votes, you know.

Carry on, number one!
[ GROANS ]

- Carry on.
- Yes, sir.

- And you carry on, too.
- Yes, sir, aye-aye, sir.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

DOBSON: How is he?

You ask me, he's still tight.

Stale tight, that's
the only explanation.

Looks like we've got
a bottle-a-day man.

I wonder if I could
transfer to another ship.

I don't think I can stand
six months of this.

We'd better keep it
from the ratings.

Anyone asks, he's got the flu.

Full of penicillin.

Charles!

Lieutenant!

Ahh!

Morning, Dobby.

Oh, good morning, Miss Lashwood.

Morning, brother.

- Will you come to lunch?
- Darling, I can't. May I?

Of course.

Jane Godfrey's invited me
to Admiralty House.

Isn't it exciting?

I'm gonna meet Thomas Baker,
the new PPS to the first lord.

- Is that so exciting?
- It is for me.

Susan won't rest until she's
on the board of the admiralty.

And the board of the admiralty
could do with a woman.

You're speaking
theoretically, I trust.

Come on, where is he?

- Where is who?
- The new exhibit!

Shh, Susan, please!

Well, you don't think
I've driven all this way

just to take a look at you two.

If you're referring to the
new captain, he's in his cabin.

Then, I'm gonna take a peak!

Susan!

Miss Lashwood, Miss Lashwood!

He's a little under the weather.

Oh, sticky night.

- Whiskey with gin chasers.

Well, at least he's got colour.

It's a Gray-green
one this morning.

Then, you can both give me
a drink in the wardroom.

- Oh, here, wait!
- Wait a minute, wait!

Why, what's the matter?

I'd like to try a whiskey
and gin chaser.

Susan, for heaven's sake!

Oh, hello, sir.

Did you want anything?

No, no, he's still fixing
the telephone.

I thought perhaps I'd take

a breather upstairs,
if you don't mind.

Oh, this is my sister, sir.

How do you do,
Mrs. Lashwood?

- Susan.
- Susan!

Would you like to have
a drink with us, sir?

No, I'll keep an eye
on the telephone.

But you said they
were still fixing it.

Come on, I've driven all this
way just to take a look at you.

- You have?
- Susan--

Oh, shush, I know
all about the captain.

Do you?

I looked you up
in the navy list.

You were in Russian convoys
and submarines during the war.

I was in Russian convoys, yes,
I think I will have a drink.

Fine!
[ CHUCKLES ]

Were you in the August
the 15th show, sir?

Dive bombers were
pretty hot, weren't they?

Well, actually, I found the
intense cold was the worst.

What, in August?

Oh, yes, it's freezing in
Finland all the year 'round.

Perpetual darkness,
thank you, sir.

Excuse me, sir, there's a
private launch alongside.

The cockswain's acting for
Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Well, does he want?

- Oilskins, sir.
- Oilskins?

He says that you
borrowed his oilskins.

Yes, that's right,
it was raining.

Ask him to come back later,
I haven't unpacked yet.

Dobby, you'd better say to this.

I really must get back
to the telephone.

It's a most urgent call.
If you'll excuse me.

[ PEOPLE MURMURING ]

[ THUD ]

It's a silly thing
to have in a boat.

- Well, for heaven's sake.
- That's putting it mildly!

Does one go to Finland
with a Russian convoy?

One does not, he's raving!

Pity, he's rather attractive.

I think I'll stick
around for a while.

Don't you want to get ready
for this Baker character?

But there's plenty of time.
Willy's just left to pick him up!

Can I get you a drink, miss?

Yes, I'll have a whiskey
and gin chaser.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ SIGHS ]

Give me a cigarette, will you?

You're already smoking, sir.

Oh, yes, so I am.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

From Admiralty House,
Mr. Thomas Baker.

Oh, yes, you're the
gentleman who's been calling.

- He's not still sleeping?
- I'll try him again.

Perhaps he's dead.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

[ DEEP BREATHING ]

[ PHONE RINGING ]

Hello.

Hello?

[ CLACKS ]

All right, all right, I'm coming.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

[ GROANS ]

Hello?
[ RATTLING ]

Please.
[ RATTLING ]

Please, a little quieter.

Now, what were you saying?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

The commander-in-chief's flag
lieutenant is here for you.

Yes, I'm quite sure.

Good morning, sir!

I brought the
C-in-C's car for you!

The C-in-C's car?

Good Lord, does he
know about it?

He ordered it?

Oh, well, you better
come right up.

Yes.

[ PHONE CLICKING ]
The C-in-C?

[ EERIE TUNE ]

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

Oh, Peter Fraser, you
were stinking last night.

[ DIZZYING TUNE ]

[ KNOCKING ]

Come in.

Oh.

- It's me, sir!
- Hello.

I'm very honoured
to meet you, sir.

I'm very honoured to meet you.

This is very civil
of the admiral.

He checked up you didn't
have transport of your own.

Is this part of the
new navy reforms?

[ LAUGHING ]
That's very good.

- Is it?
- Naval reforms.

Oh, well, I'll be right back.

I've just to see somebody
down the passage.

- Ah-haa!
- No, no, wrong sex.

Be right back.

[ DYNAMIC MUSIC ]

Oh, good morning.
Where's Mr. Baker?

Oh, who's he?

The gentleman who
was here last night.

There were so many
people in here last night.

No, no, no, dear,
the tall, thin one.

He was in here with me.

- In uniform?
- Yes, part of the time.

- Oh, he's gone.
- Gone?

Gone where?

Well, don't ask me,
the vice admiral

came in and took him away.

Vice admiral?

Holy cats!

[ FRANTIC MUSIC ]

How long will it take
to get there?

- About 10 minutes.
- Right, let's go.

We're in a great hurry.

Oh, send my bill to the ship.

The ship?

HMS Sherwood, Lieutenant
Commander Fraser.

Good morning.

[ PHONE RINGING ]

Harbour Hotel?
Who?

Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

No, he went out this morning.

Or just now.

All right then, put me
through to Mr. Baker.

It's absolutely imperative
that I speak to him.

Gone where?
Admiralty House?

[ CLICKING ]
Hello!

Get me Admiralty
house, priority.

[ KNOCKING]
Who is it?

Who is it?

- Your coffee, sir.
- Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.
[ COIN CLINKS ]

Carry on.

[ CAR RUMBLING ]

There won't be any
piping aboard,

or anything of that, will there?

Oh, no. The admiral's saving
all that for the first lord.

Finally, I can change
these clothes.

Here we are.

But this isn't the dockyard.

Good Lord, no.
This is Admiralty House.

Huh?

[ BIRDS SINGING ]

I don't want Admiralty
House, I want to go to--

Welcome aboard,
Mr. Baker!

Welcome aboard. Thank heavens
for the sense of humour.

One needs one these
days, eh? [ LAUGHS ]

Oh, this is my flag lieutenant.
Oh, you-- you've met him.

Well, don't stand dogging there.

- Bring him in!
- Yes, sir.

Look, sir,
I don't know--

Not another word until
you've made your phone call.

Bring him in, Willy,
bring him in.

- Phone call?
- [ CHUCKLING ] Yes.

But sir, what you
don't understand--

Two minutes ago
from the Sherwood.

- Sherwood?
- Most urgent, priority.

What was his name, Willy?

Baker, sir.

No, not his name,
the man that phoned!

- Oh, I wasn't here, sir.
- Why are you never here?

Do you know,
Fraser! I've got it.

Yes, Lieutenant
Commander Fraser.

I thought of it, yes,
Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Lieutenant Commander Fraser?

He said he wants you to call
him on the ship right away.

- Where is he?
- In the hall, sir.

What's he doing there?
Mr. Baker!

Are you sure he said

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, sir?

Quite sure, he said it
about eight times.

He was in quite a state.

Now, where would you
like to take it?

Willy'll get it for you.

In the garden, here,
or in the study?

My granddaughter's put
telephones everywhere.

You'll even find one
at the lavatory.

In the study, sir,
if you don't mind.

Willy, in the study.

Well, well, this is a lovely
surprise for us, Mr. Baker.

I suppose you
and I'll have a lot

of interesting things
to talk about.

I'm sure, sir.

You being so close
to the first lord,

you could tell me some
startling things! [LAUGHS ]

Make your hair curl, sir.

That's what we want, a shakeup!

Too many young whippersnappers,

thinking they
know it all, ha ha!

Have a sherry?

No, thank you, sir,
I won't drink.

- You won't drink?
- This morning.

Willy, Willy!

Sir?

What are you doing?

Getting out to
the Sherwood, sir.

Oh, yes, right then.

The man's a blithering idiot.

Oh, we're having lunch
before we discuss

tomorrow's arrangement.

- A good idea, sir.
- We'll luncheon in the garden,

if you're not allergic
to flowers or anything.

Not to flowers, sir.

WILLY: Lieutenant
Commander Fraser.

- Yes?
- He's on the phone, sir.

Oh, yes, of course, the phone.

Excuse me.

[ PLAYFUL MUSIC ]

Hello?

Tom? What the devil
are you doing there?

If it comes to that, what the
devil are you doing there?

Yes, well, mine's an
even longer story,

and I'm relying on you to
shorten it as quickly as possible.

Yes, they think I'm you.
My cabin! Your cabin.

Holy cats, you must get off that
ship as quickly as possible.

Shut up a minute while I think.

[ KNOCKING ]

Yes, I'll inform the
first lord about that,

just as soon as he arrives.
Yes, that's what I said.

No, I'm not mad,
somebody came in.

Now, you must go
straight to the hotel.

The moment you get there,
call me here.

Yes, then I'll join the ship,
ball the tar out of them

for accepting you as an imposter,
and start as you and cry for you.

You do the same this end.

It's not so get out of here.

Every time I want
to go upstairs,

I have to pass the wardroom.

The boat's built so stupidly!

All right then, wait till she
fills up a bit with visitors.

They have a marine band
later, and then slip off.

But for Pete's sake,
keep your head.

I can be court
martialed for this.

And I can get thrown
out of the government.

And more than that,
you know what worries me?

This isn't the only place
where they have visiting day.

If you think you have
troubles, what about me?

I'm up to my naval handbook!

[ PHONE CLUNKS ]

Come in, Baker, come in.

- Everything all right?
- For the moment, sir.

Well, I expect you two
know each other already.

You're both members of
the best club in London.

We are?

Isn't that what they call
the House of Commons?

- Oh, the House of Commons.
- No, I don't think we've met.

This is Sir Henry Tompkinson,
our local member,

and this is mister,
mister, uh--

I thought you both
knew each other.

- Oh, I'm a new boy, sir.
- Are you a maiden?

No, sir, I'm a new boy.

Yes, but have you made
your maiden speech yet?

- Oh, yes, several times.
- Strange, I haven't seen you.

Mister, uh, he's parliamentary

private secretary
to the first lord.

PPS! Well, by George,
this is a surprise!

It was to me.

Well, sit down, sit down,

and you can both
talk yourselves--

- Sherry, sir?
- Ah, yes.

So, Mr. Baker, you're a member
of the present government, eh?

Well, only in a very small way.

No mind, I won't
hold it against you.

What's your constituency?

Constituency?
Oh, my constituency.

Wormsgurk.

Wormsgurk! By George,
then you must have

unseated my old friend Fairfax.

Yes, I must.

Mr. Baker's a nephew
of Lord McGull, sir,

the fourth earl.

His mother--

Yes, yes, he knows
what his mother was.

Interesting! Then,
you must be a relation

of my old friend
Lady Rachel Crumper.

Well, only a distant one.

I suppose the poor old lady
lives very quietly nowadays.

Yes, we practically
never hear her at all.

Tell me.

Has that husband of hers
pulled himself together,

or does he still
suffer from bouts?

We try not to
mention the subject.

Of course, of course,
forgive me.

- Forget what I said.
- With pleasure.

Gramps, I don't know
what to do about lunch.

Susan hasn't arrived yet.

Lunch? Great Scott,
eight bells already.

Well, well, if it
isn't miss Jane,

and getting bonnier every day.

Several inches too bonny.

Do you know my granddaughter?

- I'd like to know her better.
- And how is Sir Henry?

Still in the forefront
of the battle?

Well, duty still calls,
you know.

I've tried to retire, but the
public won't let me go.

They nearly did
last time, didn't they?

What was your majority, 27?

Certainly not.
There was a recount.

- What was it, then?
- 29.

Oh, pardon me.

Jane, we mustn't forget
our guest of honour.

Where is he?
Oh, there.

Mr. Baker?
My granddaughter.

How do you do?

Fine, thanks.
And you?

Willy, take that damn
plant out of his face.

We were waiting for
a girlfriend of mine

who's dying to meet you.

Oh, I wouldn't wait
if I were you.

I'm so sorry.

Course not,
wretched girl's late.

She can meet him
some other time.

- Ring for lunch, will you?
- Yes, sir.

This must be quite
a surprise to you.

I mean, expect you
expected Tom Baker

to be some fat,
bald-headed old man.

I certainly
never expected--

No! Of course not.

Just like you, I never expected

someone like you to be Admiral
Neptune's granddaughter.

Admiral--
[ PHONE RINGING ]

Telephone.
Must be for me.

Admiralty House.

Yes.

On board the Sherwood.

Yes.
Very good.

A message
from Mrs. Susan.

She says will you forgive her,

she's lunching on board
the Sherwood,

with Lieutenant
Commander Fraser.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

Skol.

Skol.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

What about this lunch, Willy?

[ BRASS BAND MUSIC ]

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

Tea and crumpets.

If this ever gets
around the harbour,

we'll never live it down.

The Cleopatra's already asked
when we stop for tombola.

Where is he now?

Wandering around
the ship somewhere.

I've stopped him half
over the gangway twice.

Trying to make up my mind
whether he's tight or balmy.

Look, mister! My kids want
to see the torpedoes.

Torpedoes? Yes, along
there on the port side.

Port side? That's where dad
got those post cards!

Post cards?

Don't you talk about
those post cards, Alfie!

[ DISCUSSING ]

- Lieutenant Commander!
- [ CHUCKLES ] Hello!

What are you trying to do,

abandon ship or something?

Whatever makes you say that?

You haven't answered
my question.

[ HE CHUCKLES ]

Why should I want
to abandon ship?

You tell me.

Are you a dipso,
a schizo or a nut?

I feel like all three.

Tell me, how much that you know?

Only that your geography
is very shaky.

Finland and Russian
convoys don't tie up!

And, uh--

You're wearing Gray socks.

Uh, come to my cabin.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute!

Please, I've got to tell
someone or I'll bust.

I promise not to
drug you or anything.

The truth, the whole truth?

So help me.

[ CRASHING, CLATTERING ]

Why don't they put
proper banisters on the--

- Did you have to--
- Shh!

Susan, miss Susan,

I am not Lieutenant
Commander Fraser.

More?

You know what this is?

It's a House of Commons pass.

It is, it's mine.
I'm Thomas Baker.

- You know I had a hunch?
- You did?

Baker, the parliament pinup.
The lady wins a cigar.

Well, how did you hunch?

Intuition, maybe,
or coincidence.

I've seen your
picture somewhere,

and I was supposed
to lunch with you

at Admiralty House today.

That would have been wonderful.

Instead, I lunched
with you here.

That was terrible.

But what are you
doing on this ship?

Trying to get off it!

But every time I try,
somebody tries to stop me!

- What's that?
- What's what?

The band stopped playing.
Why's the band stopped?

Probably for breath, you've
had them playing since noon.

You see what a state I'm in.

Susan, you have a beautiful
face, a kind face.

Don't ever give it away.
The game, I mean.

That depends on your story.

After all, it's your brother's job
to find me out, not yours.

So far, he only thinks
you're tight.

Susan.
Sit down.

The story goes back to the time
when I was a ping pong ball,

on a fountain in
Trafalgar Square.

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes?

- Signal for the captain.
- Well, I'm not the captain.

No, sir.
Can't find him, sir.

- Have you tried his cabin?
- No, sir.

Try that, if he's not there,
bring it back to me.

Aye-aye, sir.

Now, what can that be?
More trouble?

You mean we can have more?

[ SUSAN LAUGHING ]

And you mean he's at
Admiralty House now?

Yes, and he's waiting
for me to get to the hotel!

I can't wait to see
the admiral's face!

Susan, I put my trust in you!

Relax, we're going to
get you off the ship.

You know, I could
kiss you for this.

No, you're going to
go up on deck,

and in a few minutes,
I'll come up,

and ask you to
escort me to my car.

You wouldn't like to be
my parliamentary

private secretary, would you?

- Jump to it, man!
- Jump to it, man!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

Oh, excuse me, would you?

Sir, captain's--

- Not in his cabin, sir.
- All right.

Sir.

Ah, this is all we need.

Signal to all ships,
first lord's in port now.

Wasn't that tomorrow?

Oh, that's what he likes doing.

Catches everyone on the hop.

You can say that again.

Oh, captain, sir!

[ CHUCKLES ]
Number one!

Signal just received, sir.
The first lord's here.

- What, on board?
- No, sir, ashore.

But this is terrible!

[ CHUCKLES ]
Terribly good news.

I tell you they're fired
by gun powder!

No, it's not, compressed air!

I'll compress you in a moment!

Now, we've had quite
enough of this nonsense.

Look, mister, will you come
and settle this argument,

or they'll be at it all day!

Lashwood!

Will you be quiet?
Now then, listen!

[ CHUCKLES ]
Well, now, boys,

what is it you want to know?

He says that torpedoes
are fired by gunpowder!

And he says it's compressed air!

Yes, and you want to
know which is right.

- FAMILY: Yes!
- Ehm--

Tell them, number one.

Well, the torpedo
itself is discharged

- by gunpowder charge.
- Gunpowder charge.

- Carriage swings out.
- Swings out.

- How?
- Swings out.

- How?
- Yes, well--

Show them, number one!

- Yes, sir.
- Yes.

Come on, follow me.

[ CHUCKLES ]
Discharged by gunpowder.

You knew, of course.
We're just showing them how.

Yes.

Would you like to explain, sir?

No, no! Carry on,
number one.

Well, they're all
controlled from here.

If you press this switch,
it swings them out.

Yes, this one here.

[ WHIRRING ]
You see?

It swings them out!

They're generally fired
from the bridge,

but they can be fired
from that switch there.

- That one there.
- Don't touch it!

[ BOOMING ]

[ SPLASHING ]

[ FRANTIC MUSIC ]

There's a boat going right
across its course, sir.

To port, you fools, to port!
Can't the idiot see?

It's-- it's the
first lord's barge!

- What?
- What?

[ BLAST ]

[ KIDS CHEERING ]

- The first lord.
- Yes, it's all right.

He's in the water.
He's up.

He's down.
He's up.

Get a boat, quick!
Admiral's launch!

Sub, blankets, first aid!

[ HONORIFIC MUSIC ]

Excuse me, sir, could I
speak to you urgently?

Can I help?

When we go below, sir, as
quickly as possible, sir.

Excuse me.

I'm really most terribly sorry.

- It went off in my hand!
- Yes, I'm sure, sir.

It was a silly thing
to happen. I'm so sorry!

You're not angry, are you?
[ DOOR SLAMS ]

Lashwood!

Lashwood, open this door!

[ SLAMS ]

What are you doing, number one?

[ KNOCKING ]
I said I was sorry!

Number one, open the door!

Lashwood!

Boat away, sir!

Now, get a doctor
down for captain.

I think he's gone balmy.
Sub? Send this in.

Lieutenant Commander Fraser,
suffering from hallucinations,

impounded and unable
to discharge his duties.

I'm making arrangements
to transfer from ship

to hospital for observation.

Have assumed command,
and await your instructions.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ FRANTIC MUSIC ]

Now look, doctor.

I realize that I'm in a uniform
that I shouldn't be in,

on a boat that I shouldn't
have been on,

and that I fired a torpedo
that I shouldn't have fired.

But the fact remains,
I am Thomas Baker,

parliamentary private
secretary to the first lord.

And when did you
first feel this?

Feel what?

This delusion of
dual personality.

Delusion of-- there's nothing
dual about me, doctor!

I'm Thomas Baker, parliamentary

private secretary
to the first lord!

- Yes!
- Yes.

Fine, now just come over
here, will you, Fraser?

I'm not Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, I'm Thomas Baker!

Yes, we have all that down.
We want to go on from there,

and back from there.
Lie down, Fraser.

I don't want to lie down!

- Would you tell me your story?
- I can tell it standing up!

Well, just lie down and relax.

You'll find it much easier
to think lying down.

What we don't want you to get
is a guilt complex about this.

You're not the only one
who feels this way.

I know, there's another
one at Admiralty House.

Exactly.

There are other ones
all around us, Fraser.

Once we realize that,
we're halfway home!

Now, let's try and probe back,

and find out where
it all started.

It all started in Trafalgar
Square on V-J night.

What were you doing?

I was sitting on-- no,
this'll get us nowhere.

You mustn't feel ashamed
of this, Fraser.

I assure you, we run into
cases like yours every day.

- I very much doubt it.
- Oh, but we do.

We ferret out the problem,
and nail it down,

you'll know exactly what to do!

Look, all I want to do
is get out of this uniform,

and back into civilian clothes!

Exactly. This fixation
that you're a civilian,

stems from a frustrated
subconscious desire

to get out of the navy.

I am not in the navy and
I never was in the navy!

Now, Fraser, Fraser,
you must not get upset.

We're all here to help you.

You're not helping me,
you're driving me nuts!

Now, let's try and
think back, shall we?

When did you first begin
to hate the first lord?

I don't hate him.

He became the focal point
of your inward struggle,

the man who in your mind
represented the authority

you wished to cast aside.

I'm not trying to
cast anything aside.

I work for the first lord.

I don't hate him,
I respect him a lot!

Yet you had this urge
to destroy him.

Doctor, I keep telling you,
I pressed the button by mistake!

I didn't know it was loaded!

I didn't know the first
lord was in the bay!

Doctor, I'm trying
to control myself,

but I'm finding it
very difficult,

and I warn you, if you
go on, I may go mad,

and I might do something
rather peculiar.

- Drink this, you'll feel better.
- No thank you.

It's really quite harmless.

I've read about those,
they give them to girls.

It's only a sedative.

Yes, that's what
they're all told.

Then they wind up dancing in
a nightclub in Buenos Aires.

As you wish.

Sir?

Oh, Lieutenant
Commander Fraser's

to be placed in the
observation ward.

He's to have tea, soft drinks,
anything he requires,

- but no stimulants.
- Yes, sir.

Now, look!

Those things that were
taken out of my pockets,

there was a House
of Commons pass!

We never go through
personal belongings, sir.

But I want you to go through
my personal belongings!

It's against the regulations.

Doctor, tell him to go through
my personal belongings!

Now, you just toddle
along upstairs, Fraser.

We'll have you straightened
out in no time at all.

There's a good, sir.

Mustn't feel there's anything
to be ashamed of, sir.

I'm not ashamed,
and I'm not fixated.

I keep telling you,
I'm Thomas Baker,

parliamentary private
secretary to the first lord!

I want to send a signal
to Admiralty House.

[ BUSTLING MUSIC ]

[ HENRY LAUGHING ]

So I said to him I consider
your government,

the greatest national
disaster since 1066.

Gladstone.

[ CLEARING THROAT ]

Grandpa, Willy wants you.

[ CHUCKLES ] Give him
a nudge, will you?

What, me nudge him?

Well, you're the senior
officer at this table.

[ LAUGHING ]

Excuse me, sir,
this is rather urgent.

- Not now, Willy, later.
- But sir, this is rather--

No, not now, we're
about to have lunch.

We've just finished
lunch, Gramps.

Course we have.

Willy, you're a fool.
Go away.

Well, I don't like
to be the type

that rushes off
right after lunch,

but the town council
calls at 2:30.

Oh, must you go?
Get Sir Henry's hat, Willy.

Nice of you to have had us.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Baker, it's been
a pleasure to have met you.

I hope and look forward
to crossing swords

with you in the House.

Yes, much better in the house.

Too many flies and bugs
here, I can't stand it.

My dear. Old in years,
but young in spirit.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Miss Jane, please.

I don't know what
you're thinking.

Well, aren't you lucky?

When I told you
I was Peter Fraser--

You were lying,
that's all right.

I'm not really Neptune's
daughter, either.

Jane!

Well, so you had
a better offer, eh?

You won't resent a minute when
I tell you I had the most--

ohh!

- Are you--
- This is Mr. Thomas Baker.

- Is it, now?
- How do you do?

Susan Lashwood. Her brother's
number one on the Sherwood.

At this moment, he's captain.

Oh, the captain's left the ship.

Left it, they've battened
him down in his cabin

with a guard on the door!

What have they done that for?

This'll interest, Mr. Baker.
Do you know what he did?

- He fired a torpedo.
- He did what?

Oh, well, did he hit anything?

Only the first lord's barge.

Oh, no. No!
This is just a dream.

Just a crazy dream.

- Mr. Baker?
- Sir?

Baker, come here,
I want to talk to you.

Yes, sir.

Whatever happens,
I want you to know--

Baker, Baker, Baker.

I want me to know, too.

And I'm just
the girl to tell you.

Once upon a time--

Shut the window, I can't listen
to those gabbing females.

Now, come and tell me
the whole story.

The whole?
You mean you know?

Of course I know,
I'm not a fool.

Have a cigar.

Well, that's extremely
generous of you, sir.

- Ehem.
- Go away, Willy.

I'm talking.

Now, right from the beginning.

The beginning.

Well, sir, it all started
on V-J night.

V-J night?

What they're working on
is as far back as that?

- Working on what, sir?
- Oh, come now, Baker.

I know there's going to
be a cabinet meeting,

and they're discussing a
successor for the chief of staff.

Is that what you wanted
to talk to me about?

Yes, I'm not the blithering
idiot everyone thinks I am.

I'm sure you're not, sir.
I-- I mean, yes.

Question is, how long
is the short list?

The short list?

Well, they've boiled it
down to two or three names,

including yours, of course, sir.

- Oh, good, I see.
- Sir.

Heavens, Willy, you're worse
than a cuckoo clock.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Lashwood of
the Sherwood's here, sir.

What's he doing here?

He wishes to see you, sir.
Says it's urgent.

Of course, if it's urgent.

You go right ahead, sir.
I'll wait in the garden.

Ahh! I'll see him
in the hall.

In the hall, Willy.

Sir.

- What is it, Lashwood?
- You got my signal, sir?

Signal, what signal?

About Lieutenant
Commander Fraser, sir.

What I have told you
about urgent signals?

- But I tried to tell you, sir.
- Be quiet, I'm reading.

It's almost time to
abandon ship, captain.

I'm almost relieved.
Who told you, Tom?

Threw himself on
my mercy, poor lamb.

And you had him locked up.

I did not, I was
trying to help him,

and he went and
sank the first lord!

The problem now is how
to get you all out of this.

You mean, you're not angry?

Angry?
I'm hysterical!

We've also got to get
the boy off that ship.

Look out!
Willy!

What do you think's happened
to the Sherwood's captain?

He was locked in his cabin.
We know that, Willy.

No, he's been taken to
the psychopathic ward.

- What?
- What?

He started to act up.

He brought a doctor
down with a rugby tackle,

and pushed a petty
officer into the harbour.

- I must do something.
- What?

I thought you'd ask that.

Psychopathic ward, that
could be the naval hospital.

Willy, can I borrow
your Rattletrap?

Well, the started
doesn't work, and--

I'll try and get in and see him,

there must be some
way to get him out.

- I'll come with you.
- Oh, you stay here.

Somebody's got
to stop the admiral.

Stop the admiral what?

The first lord's been dunked.

Gramps's liable to go berserk,
declare martial law, everything!

If you can, take him
to the Harbour Hotel.

Get him to call me here.

Better book a room,
we must call.

- Phone.
- Phone!

- Give me a crank, Willy.
- Oh, yes, of course.

Yet I still don't
understand--

Pick it up as you go along.

[ PHONE DINGING ]

Hello.
Hello!

MAXIMILIAN:
Willy!

Here he comes, I'll do that.

[ PHONE DINGING ]

Hello?

Oh, Grandpa, please,
I'm on the phone!

Who's that?

It's Jane, I'm phoning
from the garden.

I've never heard such nonsense.

If you want to talk
to me, come in!

- Sir, if I might say a word.
- Eh?

Sir, the whole thing revolves
around battleships or bombers.

- What whole thing?
- The shortlist.

As you might imagine,
it's a pretty strong one.

One might almost say a one.

Oh, thank you very much.

Between you and me,

the man they choose
must be progressive.

Progress has always
been my watchword!

I shan't fail to make that known
in the correct quarter.

That's extremely good of you!

Not at all, credit where
credit is due, sir.

[ MAXIMILIAN CHUCKLES ]
[ BANGING OUTSIDE ]

What's that?

Must be the pipes, I think.

It's that damn car of Willy's.

Where's he going?

- Admiral.
- What?

What is the use of a battleship?

- A battleship?
- Yes, a battleship.

Well, you see, of course,

there are battleships,
and there are battleships.

The board of admirals,
they think that a battleship

is two pennies of cold gin.

Do you agree with that?

Well, you see, as a mere sailor,

I have no politics.

Freedom of opinion
is sacred, admiral.

Will you have whiskey?

No, but don't let me stop you.

And what did the board
propose doing about it?

Amalgamate the Royal
Navy with the air force.

[ SPLASHING ]

- That's quite all right, sir.
- Great Scott.

Is the navy going to
command the air force,

or the air force the navy?

That's a minor detail, sir,
which can be ironed out

by the two services
in amicable conference.

Amicable?
Good grief.

Napoleon, I mean Nelson,
will be turning in his grave.

Now, Admiral.

What is your candid opinion
of this masterly scheme?

Well, it takes a bit
of getting used to.

Ahh.

But the more I think about it,
the more progressive it sounds.

I thought you'd say that.

What is needed for a job
of this kind is a man,

with a broad, national outlook.

I entirely agree.

Fine, now all that remains
is for me to convey

the gist of this conversation
to my chief.

Well, yes, I'd be very
grateful to you.

Of course, it would help me
a great deal if I had

a brief note from you
to add to my report.

Well, it's a pleasure, my dear
fellow, a serious pleasure.

Now, uh, what--
what do you propose?

Ehm, my--
My dear first lord.

My-- wait a moment.
My dear first lord.

Baker has put before me
the general proposals.

MAXIMILIAN:
General proposals, yes.

For absorbing the navy
into the air force.

I believe this to be a
thoroughly sound scheme,

and I'm happy to give it
all the support in my power.

All-- the-- support--

in-- my-- power.

Admiral. Terse and
uncompromising.

Thank you, sir.

Now, if things take a certain
course, my dear Baker,

I hope we shall see a lot
of each other admiralty.

Oh, such time as you can
spare from your place

at the House of Lords, sir.

The House of Lords.
My dear boy.

My very dear.
[ TAPPING ]

[ JEEP BANGING ]

[ RATTLING ]

[ JEEP BANGING ]

[ CLUNKS ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

Could I see Lieutenant
Commander Fraser, please?

Ah, after Lieutenant
Lashwood's signal,

I'm afraid we've got
very strict orders

about Commander Fraser, miss.

I'm Lieutenant
Lashwood's sister.

Yes, that
may be, but--

I'm also Lieutenant
Commander Fraser's fiancee.

- Oh, Just a minute, miss.
- Thank you.

All right, all right.

So, you're the parliamentary
private secretary.

Don't keep saying it like that!

Why don't you lie down, sir,
and have a bit of shuteye?

I don't want a bit of shuteye,
I'm too open-eye,

- and put that on there.
- Oh, ta!

Now look, the real captain's
at Admiralty House.

Phone him, ask him.
He'll identify me.

Uh-huh.

You can get a dozen
people down here

from London to say I'm me!

The first lord's here
already, sir.

- We could ask him.
- Yes!

No.

Look, it doesn't really matter
to me whether you're

Commander Fraser,
Thomas Baker, or King Farouk.

All I've gotta do is keep you
company until the doctor comes.

[ BUZZING ]
Sir.

Observation.

What, now?

Yup. Right, I will.

Well?

Your fiancee's coming up, sir.

My fiancee?

Also, the relief orderly
takes over from now,

so I'll just say happy dreams,
and try to have a rest.

No, did they mention
my fiancee's name?

No, sir, but don't you worry.

It'll come back to you, sir.

[ KNOCKING ]

Ms. Lashwood for
Commander Fraser.

- Susan!
- See, I told you!

Tom, darling!

Mmh!

Uh, please.

Are we allowed to be alone?

I shouldn't really, miss,
but he's been quiet enough.

I'll wait outside.

Maybe you can
get him to lie down.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

We've done that.

Yes, but I wasn't
ready that time.

And I was supposed
to be your fiancee.

If only I could make
you an honest woman.

Listen, I've come to
get you out of here.

- You wonderful, girl.
- The question is how.

- Susan, darling, why are
you doing all this for me?

'Cause I need my head examined.

Don't say that in here.

- How high are we?

Four stories, and the
sheets won't reach.

Suppose you died and
I wheeled the bed out.

Suppose I died?

[ LADDER THUMPS ]

Shh!

Is Lieutenant
Commander Fraser here?

Yes and no, what did you want?

- I want me oilskins.
- I have heard this before.

Yeah, I went to the Sherwood,
they said come back again,

then, they said he was
at the hospital,

then, they say nobody
can see him,

so I borrow a ladder,
and I want me oilskins.

As a matter of fact,
they've just moved

the lieutenant commander
down the passage!

People have no right
to come around

pinchin' other
people's oilskins.

Down the end of the passage,
first door on the right.

Ya see, he was tryin' to
make a pass at this skirt.

Making cow eyes at her, he was.

Don't knock,
just go straight in.

Thank you, miss.

Okay, Jim, what's this one?

- It's all down there.
- Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Case of no battle fatigue.

You'd better knock
before you go in.

[ KNOCKING ]

Oh, sorry, sir.

- Excuse me.
- Ah-ah. No, you don't.

Hey, knock it, knock
it, who're you stoppin'?

Take it easy, commander.

Hi there, commander,
my name's Salty Simpson.

Salty Simpson, eh?
That's a new one.

First it's Fraser,
then it's Baker,

and now it's Salty Simpson.
[ CHUCKLES ]

Yes, and what's so funny with
a name like Salty Simpson, eh?

- Take it easy, uh, please.
- SALTY: You tell me, will ya?

[ STEPS MARCHING ]
DRILL SERGEANT: Eyes right!

Eyes front!

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ JEEP REVVING ]
- Crank it!

Crank it?
Yes.

[ CLUNKING ]

- Kick it!
- What?

- Kick it!
- Where?

Anywhere.

[ KICKING ]
[ ENGINE RUMBLES ]

[ ENGINE BANGING ]

[ SEAGULLS SQUAWKING ]

[ ENGINE BANGING ]

[ KICKING ]

[ FANCIFUL MUSIC ]

Mr. Baker,
what number?

- Baker?
- Baker.

Number 14.

[ DIZZYING MUSIC ]

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING ]

Mr. Baker,
what number?

- Baker?
- Baker.

- Number 14.
- 14.

All right, off with them.

Where the devil have you been?

We've been trying to get
you at Admiralty House!

I've left.

You've made a first class
botch up of everything.

- I have?
- Yes, you have.

Look who's talking.

You get into my uniform,
you go aboard my ship.

I do not go--

I was Shanghaied,
press-ganged!

Do you know what you can get
for impersonating an officer?

How as much as you can get
for impersonating a member

of her majesty's government!

I wouldn't have been there
if you hadn't phoned me.

Of course I phoned you!

What, do you expect me
to sail around the cape?

Shut up, both of you,
and get changed!

Quite right, get changed
and stop talking so much.

Susan, would you mind
turning your back?

We're just a little bit shy.
Thank you.

What sort of chaos have you
left for me at Admiralty House?

At least, I didn't blow it up.

Peter Fraser, I consider that
remark was uncalled for.

So, was the torpedo.

And so was the gin
you plied me with!

I have never plied
anybody with gin,

and certainly, not a man.

If I hadn't think quickly,
we'd both be in jail by now.

And if you don't do some
pretty quick dressing,

you'll be in the Tower
of London by morning.

I better call a cab.

- Now listen, Pete.
- One cab coming up.

When you get back
to your boat--

- Ship.
- Ship!

When you get back to your ship,

there may be some difficulty
about you being allowed on.

They might think
you're an imposter.

What makes you think that?

You may establish your identity
without any trouble, and then,

the next thing you can do
is to give your officers

a good tousing for
culpable gullibility.

You're talking like
a white paper.

Look, I can deal with the crew.

Who is going to deal
with the admiral?

Don't worry about him.
I can make things

very unpleasant for him.
After all, let's face it,

he accepted you
without credentials.

I think we can probably
hush it up between us.

And what happens when
you go on a tour of inspection

with the first lord and the first
ship you visit is the Sherwood?

The $64 question.

I'll see that he never
gets near the Sherwood.

Well, you certainly
stopped him today!

Susan, what are you
doing every evening

for the next two or
three years or so?

- Jump to it, man!
- Jump to it!

Jump to it, man!

- Inside your cloth, not out.
- All right!

Mr. Baker will
settle the bill.

Very good, sir.

Send the bill to Mr. Baker,
Admiralty House. Can't stop.

[ JAUNTY MUSIC ]

Good afternoon, Lieutenant
Lashwood aboard?

Yes, sir, he's in the
wardroom. Shall I--

No, that's all right. I'm
Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

[ CRASHING AND CLATTERING ]

Cor blimey, another one.

[ CAR RATTLES AND BANGS ]

[ THUMPS ]

[ BIRD CHIRPING ]

Hi!

[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC ]

Good afternoon.

Admiral Godfrey, please.

Yes, sir.
Who shall I say?

- Mr. Thomas Baker.
- Yes, sir.

That's quite strange.

- Grandpa, wake up.
- Hm?

- Willy wants you.
- Willy?

Mr. Thomas Baker's
in the hall, sir.

In the hall here,
that's all right.

It's not out of bounds,
or anything, is it?

No sir, but he's different from
the one we had this morning.

Different?

Willy's right, I saw him arrive.

Well, this is ridiculous,
he had lunch with us.

Not this one.

Shall I bring him in for you
to have a look at, sir?

Yes, Willy. We can't leave him
standing there out in the hall.

But if he's Baker, who did
we have lunch with?

- Must have been an imposter.
- Maybe he was a spy.

A spy in Admiralty House?

He did seem a
bit odd, didn't he?

Didn't know Tompkinson, either.
Well, where is he now?

The last time I saw him,

he was going down the
drive on your bicycle.

My bicycle?

I hope he hasn't stolen
any of your papers,

- or anything like that.
- Heavens! That letter!

- Mr. Thomas Baker, sir.
- Thank you.

- Good afternoon, admiral.
- Oh! [ CHUCKLES ]

Happy to meet you,
Mr. Baker.

Very happy to meet you.

I have an apology to offer you.

I wrote you a letter to tell
you that I couldn't lunch,

and I forgot to post it.

- Oh, the lunch wasn't rated.
- Oh, good.

I understand that I missed a
slight contratante this morning.

I don't know, I took it for
granted the man was you.

Well, it's a good job
that nobody was hurt.

Uh-huh, well,

disciplinary action
has already been taken.

Of course, of course.

Yes, and-- and when can
we expect the first lord?

Practically any time.
At the moment,

he's at the yacht
club drying off.

He's all right, eh?

In excellent spirits
after he got

a few choice phrases
off his chest.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.

Oh, that man is becoming a pest.

What is it, Lashwood?

Yes, I know Lieutenant
Commander Fraser's in hospital.

What do you mean
there's another one?

Just come aboard?

Well, there can't be
two of them, man.

You're suggesting
the first one was--

Good grief!

Well, what about
Fraser number two?

How do we know he isn't?

You'd better send him
here right away.

I don't care if his keys
do fit his baggage.

Send him here.

Another contratante, Admiral?

Mr. Baker, there's a
rather disturbing matter,

that I'd like to
consult you about.

With pleasure!

It might even effect the
safety of the first lord.

Indeed?

The man who fired that
torpedo from the Sherwood--

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser, sir?

They've put him in
the psychopathic ward.

Tom: Oh, poor chap.

This afternoon, another man
arrived on the Sherwood.

TOM: Perhaps he is Fraser.

Yes, that's what
I intend to find out.

Yes.

They're sending him here!

- Well, interesting.
- Oh, so sorry.

Yes, but unfortunately,
there's more!

- More?
- Yes.

This morning, a man came
here claiming to be you.

Oh, claiming to be me?

Of course, we saw through
the imposter right away.

Of course!

But what if they're
working together?

- Saboteurs.
- Saboteurs?

One on the Sherwood, and
the other in Admiralty House.

Admiral, I have complete
faith in your naval security.

Well, supposing that
torpedo wasn't an accident.

Oh, but it was.
I mean, a man

is innocent until
he's proved guilty.

Well, I think I ought
to call the police.

No, no, admiral, much
as I'd hate to stop you,

I'd like to talk to you about
a certain admiralty post,

that we are
interested in filling.

- Oh, the chief of staff?
- In confidence, of course.

Of course, of course.

I thought we'd have a
little chat off the record,

before the first lord arrives.

My dear boy.
[ CHUCKLING ]

My very dear boy.
Have a cigar.

Thank you so much.
[ CHUCKLES ]

You haven't met
my chief, have you?

MAXIMILIAN: No, I haven't
had that pleasure.

He's a charming man,
you'll like him.

He's a naval fellow through
and through, just like you.

- Why don't we sit down?
- Why not, indeed?

You know, I listen much
better when I'm sitting down.

Don't we all, sir?

I want to reassure
you on one point,

that you probably have some
uneasiness with regard

to the policy of the
government towards the navy.

One sometimes wonders.

Strictly between ourselves,
there's not a lot of love lost

between the first lord
and the air ministry.

Someone has already
suggested that.

Now, let me come
straight to the point.

Candidly, what is the use
of a heavy bomber?

- A heavy bomber?
- A heavy bomber.

- Don't you mean a battleship?
- No, a heavy bomber.

Well, of course,
there are heavy bombers,

and there are heavy bombers.

Admiral, my chief's view is that
heavy bomber's are obsolete.

Two penny worth of cold gin.

Precisely.

So to economize,
we propose clipping

the wings of the
Royal Air Force.

Very sound, very sound!

You mean abolish
them altogether?

No, no, just the heavy bombers,

which will leave a lot
of grounded air marshals.

An interesting spectacle!

The only thing to be worked
out is what to do with them.

There's always the
National Coal Board.

We'll probably absorb them
in various working parties.

It's going to be a terrible
dogfight, we know that,

but is a policy which you
yourself are prepared to back?

Progress is my watchword.

Good!

I was only saying
this morning--

Well, where should we
be without progress?

Then, we can count your support?

In consideration to the limit.

Fine, I'm so glad!
[ BELL RINGING ]

Oh, one last point. May I
communicate your views,

in confidence,
to the first lord?

Certainly. Oh, by the way,
you don't want me

to put anything in writing?

No, no, quite unnecessary.

Ah, that's a relief.

Now sir, with your permission,

I'll telephone the
yacht club immediately.

Yes, you can use the study.

Thank you very much.

What do you think
you're doing there?

Answering the bell.

Hello!

Lieutenant Commander
Fraser reporting

as ordered to Admiral Godfrey.

I just heard the whole story.

Never a dull moment, is there?

[ KNOCKS ] Lieutenant
Commander Fraser.

Good luck.

It's a far better thing
that I do now--

Where is he?

Ah, good afternoon, Fraser.

Good afternoon, sir.

Am I out of my senses?

You?

Yes, sir, with an
explanation and an apology.

An apology?
You're under arrest.

Aye-aye, sir.

Willy, take charge of this man.

Yes, sir.

Now, tell me.
What do you mean

by wearing her
majesty's uniform?

I hold her majesty's
commission, sir,

14 years service.

Then what do you mean
masquerading

as a civilian this morning?

That's what I'd like
to explain, sir.

- Wait here.
- Yes, sir.

Willy, stand by that window.

Yes, sir.

Mmh?
[ KNOCKING ]

I understand perfectly, sir.

Would you like me to send a car?

Come in.

Certainly.

Yes, I've explained
the whole thing to him.

Splendid.
Goodbye, sir.

The first lord is on his way.

Good, this gives me
time to dispose

of this delicate business.

What, another
contratante, admiral?

Bigger.

As PPS to the first lord,
I'd like to ask your advice.

I'd be only too
happy to give it.

Thank you. The officer
I have in there,

is the individual who attempted

to impersonate you this morning.

- No!
- Come and see.

[ GIRLS LAUGHING ]

Jane, Susan, what do
you think you're doing?

Just keeping the lieutenant
commander company.

Keeping him company?
He's under close arrest.

Why, Pete!

Tom, what are you doing?

You old son of a gun!

- You old son of--
- You know each other?

Know him?

We were the greatest of friends!

This man's been
impersonating me?

Until he was detected.
He's now under close arrest!

Arrest?

Admiral, have you reflected
on the consequences?

That's his problem.

On the contrary,
I think it's yours.

Mine?

A court martial
on such a charge.

- Oh?
- Think of the stir.

- Stir?
- The terrible publicity.

Publicity.

Not to mention
the jokes in the press.

The press.

Cartoons in the Sunday papers.

Just think how this
might recoil on you,

admiral, on your prestige,

at a time when
your name may be--

Only may be?

Only may be appearing
before the public,

in an entirely
different connection.

You grasp the implications
of this, admiral?

I'm beginning to. Thank you
for pointing them out.

What do you suggest?

I suggest you leave
Lieutenant Commander Fraser

entirely to me.

I know him well,
he's an excellent chap,

and first class seaman.

His sense of humour make
go a little too far at times,

but let me take charge of him,

and I'll relieve you of any
irksome duty in the matter.

Oh, that's most kind.

You are quite sure
the first lord--

The first lord shall
not even hear about it.

Ahh. Let us apprise
Fraser of our decision.

What an excellent idea!

Oh, Lieutenant Commander Fraser.

Sir?

Mr. Baker has interceded
on your behalf.

Thank you,
Mr. Baker.

He's undertaken to deal
with your case personally,

semi-officially
as it were.

So, you're no longer
under arrest.

- Willy?
- Yes, sir?

- His sword.
- Thank you, sir.

That was good timing, wasn't it?

Yes.
[ BELL RINGING ]

- That must be the chief.
- The first lord.

First lord, yeah.

Girls, you know, you've
no right to be here.

I've told you over again,
run along.

And Jane, you're
half naked again!

- Lieutenant Lashwood, sir.
- Lashwood, what, again?

Sir, I've had a report
from the hospital.

The first Lieutenant
Commander Fraser's escaped.

- Escaped?
- Yes, sir.

Oh! I see you've
caught him, sir.

Caught whom?

The escaped man, sir,
the one who impersonated

the captain this morning.

Impersonated Lieutenant
Commander Fraser?

On board the Sherwood, sir.

My sister will corroborate it,
she was there.

And who the devil are you, sir?

I thought you knew.
I'm Thomas Baker,

parliamentary private
secretary to the first lord.

How do I know that?

My admiralty and my
House of Commons pass.

They may be forgeries.

Well, show them
to the first lord.

He'll be here any minute.

This is getting beyond words.

Is there no one I can depend on?

Yes, me!

And what have you got to do
with this deplorable business?

I am personal private secretary

to Mr. Thomas Baker,
the PPS to the first lord.

Since when?

Since I got him out of hospital.

You got him out of hospital?

You made a fine gaffe, my lad.

Is everybody in on this?

Look, Grandpa,
it's all very simple.

Last night, quite by accident,
Peter and Tom got sloshed.

- Sloshed?
- Pie-eyed, sir.

Scotch-mist.

And while they were still tiddly,
they changed clothes.

- That's all.
- All!

This man brings contempt
on her majesty's uniform,

and this one gets into
my official residence,

and violates my home!

I am quite prepared
to marry her, sir.

You are?

Now, look, enough of this.
No more, come along.

Outside, both of you.
Outside, all of you!

Go along, go on.

This is a naval establishment,
not a village hall!

[ DOORS SLAMMING ]

I'm handing the whole
thing over to the first lord!

Couldn't we do a deal
on this all around?

A deal, you have the affrontery?

Why not? It's done
on the highest levels.

It's called diplomacy.

In politics and big business,

the good old British
principal of compromise.

- No.
- No?

Admiral, did you or did you not

give this letter to Peter
to hand to the first lord?

Hand to the first lord?

And Peter, being in
no position to do so,

entrusted it to me to deliver.

- Yes, but the point is--
- The point is. if I did so,

the sentiments contained
in this letter, might create

a certain confusion
in the first lord's mind.

Confusion?

In view of the entirely
different sentiments

which you expressed to me,
battleships or bombers,

and passed onto him,
do you remember, admiral?

Gentlemen, do you intend
to wreck my career,

after nearly 50 years service?

You couldn't do a
ghastly thing--

No, we couldn't,
could we, Peter?

To my future
grandfather-in-law?

Not a-- and furthermore,
never intended to.

Give me that letter.
[ BELL RINGING ]

There, sir.

Now, we're entirely
at your mercy.

Oh, my dear boy!
My very dear boy!

Ha-hah, it wasn't
anything, Gramps.

We're in again!

- The first lord, sir.
- Oh, we're out again.

- Good afternoon, sir.
- Admiral.

Which of you is Lieutenant
Commander Fraser?

- I am, sir.
- I see.

May I take over, admiral?

Certainly, sir.

You are, I take it,
aware of the fact,

that one of the things a
naval officer must learn

- is to be trustworthy?
- Yes, sir.

And he's expected
to set an example

of dependability and integrity.

Do you agree, Lieutenant
Commander Fraser?

- Yes, sir.
- Very well.

Then for heaven's sake, give
him back his bloody oilskins!

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, admiral.

♪ Carry on, carry on,
carry on! ♪

[ GRAND BASS
BAND MUSIC ]