All language subtitles for BoJack.Horseman.S02E09.The.Shot.1080p.NF.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-SNEAkY.Eng

[thunder rumbling]

Sir, you can't send me to Vietnam.

[Nixon] I can do whatever I want.

I'm president of the goddamn
United States of America.

Isn't that right, Checkers?

That's what it says
on your business cards.

There are going to be riots
in the streets.

I'm Secretariat.

You think I'm afraid
of a few rioting hippies?

Don't make me laugh. Ha-hoo.

Or whatever a laugh sounds like.

Please, I'll do anything.

You gotta send someone else
in my place.

Hmm. Perhaps an arrangement can be...
arranged.

I'm just an athlete. I'm no hero.
My brother Jeffretariat is the hero.

He's fighting the Reds over in 'Nam,

which is necessary
to protect our way of life.

And another hero is President Nixon.

He is one groovy dude.

[BoJack] Groovy.

[coughing]

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, Mommy!

Don't you dare put that out.

That is a perfectly good cigarette,
and you are going to finish it.

But I don't wanna.

And I don't want to be
the mother of a quitter.

Finish it.

[coughing]

Jesus Christ, you can't even smoke
a cigarette right.

Don't you dare cry,
don't you ever cry.

You wanted this.

Are you punishing me for smoking
or for stealing?

I'm punishing you for being alive.

Ugh.

Uh, BoJack? You really shouldn't throw
a lit cigarette off the--

[fire roaring]

Fine. I'll call 911.

[♪♪]

The fire department got
everything under control,

but the cable's out
for the neighborhood.

I don't understand
what started the fire.

Nobody knows where fires come from,
it's a mystery.

Anyway, I am fired up
about my first day back on set.

We're gonna finish
that big Nixon scene.

We were just one shot away
before we went on hiatus.

Yeah, I know.
You told me at breakfast.

Why did you call me?

Usually I talk to Diane
on the way to work,

but she abandoned me to teach piano
in Cordovia or something.

Oh. Well, glad you settled for me
because Diane wasn't available.

You bet. Oh, man, I'm gonna kill
in this Nixon scene.

BoJack gonna be in "da" house.

In da White House.

What happened to da house set?
Da White House set?

-Things changed a little.
-You cut the Nixon scene?

The Nixon scene is the core
of the whole movie.

Where we see Secretariat
be morally corrupted

and get to look
into the real darkness of his soul.

It's still all that,
except now it happens

while you give a Christmas present
to your nieces

and they hug you
while your butt is stuck in a chimney.

Is one of the nieces Nixon?

Over hiatus, we ran a focus group.

People don't want
all that controversial stuff.

But we were supposed to make
a gritty movie about the real Secretariat.

-Warts and all.
-Kid, "warts and all" don't pay bubkes.

That's why they took the gay stuff
out of A Beautiful Mind.

Know that guy who spent 12 years
as a slave?

They don't talk about the 60 years
he spent as a jerk.

-Kelsey, you're okay with this?
-Eh...

That's showbiz.

See, BoJack,
that's the shrug of a pro who gets it.

Good shrugging, kid.

Yo! Care-to-the-O-to-the-Lyn-to-the...

That's the end of your name.
We need to talk.

We'll meet in the supply closet
in one minute. Break!

Oh, okay.

Ooh, ow.

Carolyn, when you're in the throes
of a very ugly divorce such as I am,

along with all that pain and degradation
comes a certain perfect clarity,

and right now that clarity is telling me
that you and I should get out of here.

Well, what do you mean,
"get out of here"?

Beautiful, I'm starting my own agency,
and I want you to be my partner in crime.

What? But I can't just leave Vigor.

I've been here 20 years.

Who's gonna water the plants?

Um, I'm sorry. You water the plants?

I started doing it as an intern,

but then no one told me to stop,
so it's still kind of my job.

Carolyn,
you are my gritty, witty city kitty.

I want you with me, fifty-fifty.

Things are so crazy
for me right now. I--

Don't give me that, you want crazy.
"Crazy" is your favorite Patsy Cline song

and your second favorite
Gnarls Barkley song.

I don't want crazy.

I've got five episodes
of The Good Wife piled up on my DVR,

and I just want a night off
to enjoy them.

Well, if that's how you feel, I guess
I could just go to Vanessa Gekko.

-[Carolyn] Gekko?!
-But I'd rather look at you all day.

You're an amazing agent.
And you're bright, and you're fun.

And I think we could make something
really special.

We weren't doing anything!
We were just looking for closet supplies.

Are you the person to talk to
about unclogging the toilet?

Stuart, I'm your boss.

Okay, but you're the one
in the janitor's closet, so...

-What, I'm the idiot?
-[sighs]

[Diane] The first thing you notice
about Sebastian St. Clair

is that he speaks in paragraphs.

Even I can't believe
how much good we've done here,

and I'll believe almost anything.

In the last six weeks,
we dug a new well, built a school,

and next month
the community center is doing Seussical.

There we go.

[Diane] In his previous life,
Sebastian owned

a chain of high-end department stores.

I want to stock up on muffs.

We're going to sell a lot of muffs
this winter. Huzzah!

Diane, I lived a life
of power and luxury,

and then my picture
was in the newspaper.

-A real-life newspaper!
-Uh-huh.

But I knew my life was empty.

At night I heard the cries
of children sick and dying.

And I would scream into the night.

Shut up! Shut up, children!

But the phantom cries would not abate.

And so I began my travels,

with little more than a compass,
a yearning for adventure,

and several crates full of unsold muffs.

I knew there were people out there
just waiting for my help.

Diane, this is Kinko.

I am Kinko.

In his language, it means,

orphan whose parents were murdered
by rebels and will die young,

probably from malaria.

Hi, Kinko. I'm Diane.

It means,
my parents liked the show Cheers.

Cheers! Oh, you're good.
You're very good.

[Diane] When Sebastian St. Clair says
you're good,

you want to believe
that you really are.

That you, like Sebastian, are part
of something bigger than just yourself.

And for a moment,
you feel like you are.

[Sebastian] Oh, Kinko made a mess.

Now I finally realize that a triple hug is
way more valuable than a Triple Crown.

And cut. Neat.

-Let's break for lunch.
-[kids] Oh!

Kelsey, this is a nightmare.

I had to touch three children today,
and one of them was sticky.

Yeah, it was you.
Wash your damn hands, you gremlin.

-BoJack, there's nothing we can do.
-No, this isn't you.

I've seen everything you've done.

Your films are challenging and gritty,
and they're great.

I'm not just saying that
because they're full of lesbians.

Look, even if I wanted to finish
that Nixon scene,

we don't have an Oval Office set.

There's one at the Nixon Library
in Yorba Linda.

Why on earth do you know that?

In season three of Horsin' Around,
the horse got elected president

and we shot on location.

We can sneak into the library
and get the shot, guerilla-style.

Once Turteltaub sees it,
he'll love it,

and we can make the movie
we both want to make.

[sighs]

-Okay, I'm in. Let's do it.
-All right!

Did they really make
your character president?

Only for season three.

In season four, it turned out
it was all a dream.

They called my airplane Air Horse One.

And the vice president was
a hip-hop zebra named Zebro.

-Come on.
-It wasn't our best season.

But on the bright side,
was not our worst.

Step one, we go to the Nixon Library...

and steal the scale model.

[man as Nixon] Welcome to my library.

I'm Nixon. [chuckles].

[in normal voice] Yeah, you know,
some people say I look like Nixon.

Not because he's my dad or anything.
That's crazy. Nixon's not my dad.

But if you have any questions about Nixon,
I'd be happy to answer them.

Yeah, I have a question. Um...

Is that the lighted exit sign
from Nixon's boyhood home?

Uh, no, that's just an exit sign.

-Is that...
-Here we go.

...the handicapped drinking fountain
he used in the White House?

No, just a normal drinking fountain.

-Hang on.
-One more.

-Is that the smoke alarm--?
-No.

[chuckles nervously]

So the Oval Office is right here,
next to the men's room.

I remember because season three
of Horsin' Around was a big cocaine year.

All the pressures of being president.

-I don't see how we'll pull this off.
-We're gonna need a crack team.

First, we gotta get
the best lock-pick in the city.

-Not interested.
-Okay.

The second best lock-pick in the city.

-No way I'm doing that.
-Got it.

A lock-pick.

Todd, can you pick locks?

-Kind of.
-Great. You're in.

We'll need an expert cat burglar.

All right, Good Wife,
let's see what you got.

[BoJack] Hey, Princess Carolyn!

Kelsey and I are gonna break
into the Nixon library

to steal a shot
for our Secretariat movie.

It's a super-sneaky, kooky caper
that stands to benefit you in no way.

Are you in?

[man] Hey! Shut up down there!

-[BoJack] You shut up!
-[man] Make me!

[BoJack] Hey, you got a problem?
Take it up with my agent,

your downstairs neighbor
Princess Carolyn.

[groans]

[BoJack]
We'll need someone to play Checkers.

Hey, Chicago! Al Capone, deep dish.

What does Ethan Hawke know?
We'll find out tonight. Da Bears.

BoJack, I'd love to help you out,

but I'm super-busy recording promos

for television's
highest-rated new game show.

-We can probably do it without you.
-This next one's for Seattle.

Hey, Seattle! Space Needle, Starbucks.

What does Ethan Hawke know?
We'll find out tonight. Rain.

It's too bad though because I could
really bring a lot to this project.

The more I think about it,
Checkers wouldn't even be in the shot.

It's just a single on Secretariat.

Hey, Waco, Texas! Terrible tragedy.
What does Ethan Hawke know?

-We'll find out tonight. So sorry.
-You know what? Forget I even asked.

-Twist my arm, why don't you? I'll do it.
-Okay.

Finally, we'll need a criminal mastermind.

Character actress Margo Martindale,
you've been a model prisoner.

I'm glad I served my time.

But now I'm ready to move on with my life

and get back to doing small roles

in critically-acclaimed films
and television shows.

[prison guard] Watch, purse, lipstick,

Emmy Award
for Best Guest Actress.

[sighs deeply]

I need your help with a break-in.

BoJack, I've been out of prison
for two minutes.

What took you so long?

[tires squealing]

Kelsey, Mr. Peanutbutter and I
are gonna break into the library.

But the problem is,
the place is crawling with cops.

They're on high alert

because some idiot
stole this model last night.

Yeah, nice work, Todd.

[laughs] Who am I kidding?
I can't stay mad at you. You're adorable.

Look at your big saucer eyes.
I can go swimming in them!

-Totally.
-Now, we need to lose the cops.

The rest of you will create a diversion

by breaking into the only other place
in Yorba Linda of cultural significance:

the Discount Fine Art Gallery
in the strip mall,

between the tanning salon
and the adult bookstore.

Once you set off the alarm,
all the cops will go there.

[mimicking siren wails and engine revving]

Now, things could get ugly.
One of you is very likely to die.

-Possibly Alan.
-Why possibly Alan?

Well, you are the guy
none of us knows that well.

I just came to fix your cable.

Alan, you already know too much.
You're a part of this now, like it or not.

-But--
-Hey, you think you could keep it down?

I'm reading a script
and I'm having trouble focusing,

so now my notes are
gonna be confusing and vague.

We're almost done.

I know you're having fun
with your police cars,

I just wish you would have asked
before you invited these people over.

-I live here, too.
-You're right. I'm sorry.

And can you at least let Alan
fix the cable before he dies?

I can't die. I'm endangered!

[Diane] "And the truffle-infused gnocchi
was the star dish

at this up-and-comer that will please
the pickiest of Brooklynites

and the less discerning Staten Islander."

When I grow up, I can be food critic
for New Yorker?

You can do anything you want in life.

Not everyone can write for The New Yorker,

but there's always The Atlantic.

[Sebastian] Diane,

I'm concerned you're spending
a lot of time with this sickly child.

Remember, you're supposed
to be writing about me.

Sure, but isn't this why we're here?
To help these people?

I'm here to help these people.

You're here to help me help them
by writing a book about me

so people back home will give money
to my foundation.

Great.

Okay, come on. Over here. Get it.

[alarm wailing]

We're in. It's too late to turn back now.

One of us isn't going
to come out of this alive.

Why do you all keep saying that?

Why can't we all assume we're gonna
make it out alive and go from there?

Alan, we've got enough problems without
worrying about your imminent death.

Can't we just all shut up and do this?

Why does everything have to be
a big, complicated mess?

Like,
look at this Thomas Kinkade painting.

It's simple.

And serene. And... pleasant.

[sighs]

I think that the vest
makes me look kind of chunky.

I don't do CrossFit five days a week
to not look sweet in this uniform.

I swear to God,
if you don't shut up about CrossFit--

[woman over radio]
Break-in at the Discount

Fine Art Gallery at the strip mall.

Let's roll!
That's a thing we say at CrossFit.

[police sirens wailing]

[BoJack shouts]

Remember when my character
on Mr. Peanutbutter's House was

-elected president?
-Let me guess, it was all a dream?

No, I served half a term,
then resigned

because when Zachary
had a bad time with peer pressure,

I realized I was spending
too much time being president

and not enough time being a dad.

It's like you didn't even watch my show.

Okay, I'd like you here.

And then you are going to be over here.

-Freeze!
-I'm union.

-Playing dead.
-Breaking and entering?

That is against everything
Nixon stood for.

We didn't mean to cause trouble.
We're trying to make a movie about Nixon.

Yeah? What, another leftist screed
about how corrupt he was?

-Uh...
-Or is it about how he had

an illegitimate son,

and the son never knew who his dad was,
but always had a hunch it was Nixon,

and then that son grew up to be
the security guard at the Nixon Library?

The second one?

Well, if that's true, how come you don't
have an actor here to play Nixon?

Because...

we couldn't find anyone who could
appropriately capture his magic.

You know, I do a pretty good Nixon.

You? No way.

[as Nixon] Hello, I'm Nixon.

I can't be at your soccer game, but I am
your father and I love you very much.

Oh, my God. He's perfect.

We've found our Nixon.

[in normal voice] I can be ready in five.

Uh. Did we get the shot?

It's so peaceful.

-Okay, folks.
-[all] Aah!

Party's over.
That's something we say at CrossFit.

Ugh. Wait a sec-- I know you!

You were in Justified.
You were amazing.

Okay, you caught me.

I am kind of
a well-known character actress.

I am such a huge fan, Miss, uh--

What--? What's your name?

Sure, of course.

Everyone loves my work,
but apparently not enough

to watch the credits
and find out what my name is.

The important thing is that we enjoy
your great performances, right?

-How about you enjoy this? Aah!
-[both] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Margo, I thought we agreed, no guns.

Oh, is that what we agreed to?
I thought we said "no gum."

But you're also chewing gum.

I'm a wild card.

-Aah!
-Return fire!

Watch out!

Oh, no! Alan's dead!

No, I'm fine.
The bullet hit my cell phone.

Oh, no! Alan's cell phone is dead!

Nope, phone's fine, too.
Oh, hey, I got a text from my wife.

She's going into labor.
Guys, I'm gonna be a dad!

See you later!

-[police sirens wailing]
-[guns cocking]

Die, you chunky assholes!

See, Jeff?
This is what I'm talking about.

[all shouting]

[cop] Shoot!

Oh.

-How could this be any more perfect?
-[sing-song] Yoo-hoo.

Vanessa Gekko.
How did you get in this painting?

I'm your servant, of course.

In your infinite generosity,
you gave me this job

when it became clear
that I don't have what it takes

to be a "Hollywoo" power-agent.

Also, my husband left me.

And my children married each other
in an unholy incestuous union.

Plus, I have, like, colitis or something.

How appropriate!
Fetch me drink, wench.

-Right away, ma'am.
-Ah.

Diane...

[Diane] The second thing you notice
about Sebastian St. Clair

is how much he talks about himself.

This way is the library I built.

And over there is the statue
of me building the library.

And on that wall is a painting
of me posing for the statue.

-Put a chapter in your book about that.
-Uh-huh.

[Diane] The only respite
from his constant bombast is sleep,

and even then, sometimes...

[bomb whistling, explodes]

-[Diane gasps]
-[people scream nearby]

Everybody--
Those of you who can walk, I mean.

--let's drag these corpses
to the mass grave behind the playground.

We need to make room
for my new hospital.

-Where's Kinko? Is he okay?
-Oh, no, no, he's certainly dead.

See, Diane,
I told you not to make friends.

Jesus, you don't care
about any of these people.

You're just using them as props
for your big-shot superhero act.

Diane, the dead will not benefit
from our grief,

but the survivors need a new hospital
and we need to build it.

This is too much.

If you're going to survive,
you'll need to harden up.

I asked you to join me
because I thought you could handle it.

-But if you can't, you can go home.
-I...

I can handle it.

Great! Let's drag some bodies!
Kinko! Oh, never mind.

Hey, um, how come Nixon gets a line
and I don't get a line?

We only gave him a line
so he wouldn't call the police.

-If I call the police, will I get a line?
-No, we won't use it in the movie.

We only need the one-shot of me.

I just think if he gets a line,
I should get a line.

-Ugh. Actors.
-Okay, positions everyone. And... action.

[as Nixon] I'm Nixon.

The way you're feeling
about your dead brother is how I feel

about the son I'll never know.

But I look at the moon and so does he.
That's how I know we're connected.

And I'm Checkers.

[Kelsey] All right, so, BoJack,

you've been told
that your brother, Jeffretariat,

the one Nixon sent to Vietnam
in your place, is dead.

You're feeling the weight of that guilt.

And the tears start to flow.

And the tears start to flow.

Oh. I don't cry in front of other people.

Well, you need to.
This is the emotional climax of the movie.

Yeah, okay, but I don't cry in front
of other people. I can't.

Really, never? Come on.

What if someone tells you
they'll take you to the park,

and they keep talking about the park
and all the fun you'll have,

but then... [sobs]

But then they don't take you to the park.
I need a second.

Well, I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I didn't know you wanted me to cry.

Can you give us the room, please?

There's a park right outside
we can hang out at.

-Oh!
-Oh, we can't, the sprinklers are on.

Ah.

Well, another beautiful, serene day
in magical fantasy-painting world.

[sighs]

Queen Princess Carolyn, if I may,
I have some exciting news.

I just landed a new client.

-The mill owner!
-Huh?

We're doing a three-picture deal
about his waterwheel.

-Wait, you're making deals here?
-I'll say.

I'm now the biggest agent
in the entire idyllic New England village.

It's like you don't even read
the idyllic New England village trades.

What? No!

You're polluting my perfect serene
dream life. Why is this happening?

I don't know. It's your fantasy.

But if you ask me, I don't think
you want perfect and serene

and enough time to catch up
on The Good Wife.

Stop kidding yourself,
Princess Carolyn.

If you really wanted the simple life,
you'd have a simple life.

Oh, my God. I gotta get out of here.

[sing-song] Bye!

Hey. Yeah, I got rid of her.
Now this place is all mine.

Get your demo guys together.

Let's tear this old Tudor down
and put up some condos! [chuckles]

Okay.

[Margo laughing]

This isn't just for me.

It's for John Carroll Lynch,
C.C.H. Pounder,

and all the other character actors
who live in lucrative obscurity.

The blood I spill today is for us all!

I'm character actress Margo Martindale!
[chuckles]

Yeah, I'm going to go
with Princess Carolyn.

[laughing and grunting]

Hmm.

[cell phone ringtone]

-Hello?
-Hey.

There you are!
I've been trying to call you all week.

-Yeah, the coverage in Cordovia is--
-Diane, Diane.

Listen, I gotta tell you:

I'm sorry I gave you such
a hard time about your trip.

The truth is,
I really am so proud of you.

A lot of people talk big,

but you're actually out there
helping people.

You're the real deal, Diane.

-Yeah...
-How is it there? Is it amazing?

It's... good.

It's hard, but it's good.

I miss you.

I miss you, too, but I promise,

these six months are gonna fly by.

Yeah. How's the game show going?

Oh, shit, I completely forgot I'm supposed
to be hosting a game show right now.

[upbeat dance music playing]

[caws]

I gotta go.

[Diane] And that's when you realize

that the book you've been writing
in your head

is never actually going to be a book,
so you stop--

I know what you're gonna say.

I'm a dumb sitcom actor
who's in over his head.

I'm sorry that I thought I could do this.

And I'm sorry I made you come here.

I'm sorry for everything.
I don't know what I'm doing.

BoJack, sit down.

[sighs]

You've just been told your brother is dead
and that it's your fault.

But this moment is bigger than that.

This is the moment
that Secretariat stops running.

Because this is the moment you realize

something inside you is broken,
and it can never be fixed.

We got it.

Really? I didn't cry.

You didn't have to.
Turteltaub's gonna love this.

-Oh. All right.
-Thanks for talking me into this.

Just so you know, I'm really glad
we're making this movie together.

-Didn't know I had it in me, did you?
-No, I knew.

Huh.

[crying]

-Hold the elevator, please.
-Coming in?

-I'm all in.
-Whoa!

Mommy, it's nearly Christmas.
Where's Uncle Secretariat?

He had to go win a race
against the Russians.

But maybe, if he runs really fast...

-Hey, where's Kelsey?
-Oh, yeah, funny story.

Turns out you two knuckleheads
snuck out last night

and got that shot
I told you not to get for the scene

-that's not in the movie anymore.
-Uh...

Silly me, I didn't like that.
So I fired her ass.

-What?
-We got a movie to finish, okay?

So, go get in costume,

get your butt up that chimney,
and do your thing, Hamlet.

Just maybe,
all we have to do is believe!

[slurping]

What are you doing here?

Hey, is it cool if I crash here
for a couple nights?

I didn't know where else to go.

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

-♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪
-♪ BoJack! ♪

♪ BoJack the horse
Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try
And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack! ♪

Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.