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1
00:00:05,407 --> 00:00:08,188
One of my hobbies
is I collect dust.00:00:05
2
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,855
Are you from this country?
3
00:00:16,965 --> 00:00:20,610
I go around town
slashing tire prices.
4
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,364
Do you get that?
5
00:00:28,186 --> 00:00:32,071
Do you know that Christmas song
"Do You Hear What I Hear?"
6
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,845
Do you?
7
00:00:41,997 --> 00:00:43,580
You stopped laughing.
8
00:00:43,629 --> 00:00:45,355
You stopped laughing, sir.
9
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,615
You got the idea,
there are no jokes.
10
00:00:51,781 --> 00:00:54,754
There's a kind of hush
all over this room.
11
00:00:56,193 --> 00:00:58,974
I'm addicted to
prescription glasses.
12
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,140
And "20/20" wants to do
my life story.
13
00:01:10,867 --> 00:01:13,169
It gets wor-
A four-year-old wrote this.
14
00:01:23,048 --> 00:01:25,015
Thank you.
15
00:01:25,063 --> 00:01:27,268
No, I'm not leaving yet,
hold on.
16
00:01:28,707 --> 00:01:30,913
This is my stepladder.
17
00:01:30,961 --> 00:01:33,359
I never knew my real ladder.
18
00:01:42,039 --> 00:01:44,437
I heard great things
about my real ladder,
19
00:01:44,484 --> 00:01:47,314
that he supported three people
at one time.
20
00:01:49,903 --> 00:01:51,486
Last I heard, he's one-
21
00:01:51,535 --> 00:01:53,453
I fucked that up, too.
22
00:01:54,507 --> 00:01:57,480
The last I heard, he was in
a 12-step program.
23
00:02:00,358 --> 00:02:01,797
It really didn't matter.
24
00:02:01,845 --> 00:02:02,374
Oh, thank you.
25
00:02:10,285 --> 00:02:11,916
Anyway, I've had a lovely-
26
00:02:11,963 --> 00:02:13,883
That's it for me, thank you very
much, thank you very much.
27
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,763
Anyway, with that,
I'm gonna bring up the man.
28
00:02:30,811 --> 00:02:32,537
Do you know the man?
29
00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:33,450
Mister who?
30
00:02:33,497 --> 00:02:35,799
Mr. Louie- who, what?
31
00:02:36,997 --> 00:02:39,970
Mr. Louis Prima? No.
Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.
32
00:02:40,018 --> 00:02:41,601
Mr. Louis C.K.!
33
00:02:41,649 --> 00:02:43,039
Here he is.
34
00:03:05,771 --> 00:03:07,306
Thank you.
35
00:03:14,450 --> 00:03:14,931
Oh.
36
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,677
Oh, my God, you guys.
37
00:03:19,726 --> 00:03:21,837
Oh, my God,
thank you.
38
00:03:23,945 --> 00:03:25,864
This-
You guys...
39
00:03:25,913 --> 00:03:28,982
You guys are great, thank you.
40
00:03:31,475 --> 00:03:33,299
This is what I talk like now,
just so you know.
41
00:03:36,271 --> 00:03:39,628
I'm gonna do
the whole show like this.
42
00:03:39,676 --> 00:03:43,561
A really- a very offensive
stereotype...
43
00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:48,932
...of a Mexican.
44
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,658
This is...
45
00:03:54,590 --> 00:03:56,508
This is a Mexican at the border.
46
00:03:56,556 --> 00:03:58,330
Just let me in!
47
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:02,359
Jesus!
48
00:04:02,407 --> 00:04:03,702
He won't let me-
49
00:04:03,749 --> 00:04:07,011
You guys are dicks
in there, anyways!
50
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:12,718
Fuck you, America!
51
00:04:17,129 --> 00:04:18,090
Was that too high up,
do you think?
52
00:04:21,782 --> 00:04:23,460
That's why I like-
I always like to stand
53
00:04:23,507 --> 00:04:25,378
just a little bit wrong,
you know?
54
00:04:25,426 --> 00:04:28,831
Just for my own entertainment,
instead of standing like this,
55
00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:32,523
just put it a little bit up
here, just so people are like-
56
00:04:32,571 --> 00:04:34,873
I don't know why
that bothers me.
57
00:04:36,696 --> 00:04:39,669
Especially if I'm somewhere
I don't like being, like CVS.
58
00:04:39,717 --> 00:04:41,443
You know, I hate CVS.
59
00:04:42,642 --> 00:04:43,410
But sometimes
you gotta go in there.
60
00:04:45,903 --> 00:04:49,836
That should be
their slogan, CVS.
61
00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:54,536
Sometimes
you gotta come in here. "
62
00:04:59,907 --> 00:05:03,120
Where else you gonna get
your wart Band-Aids
63
00:05:04,318 --> 00:05:08,059
and that stuff
for your dry vaginer?
64
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,281
Dry vaginer.
65
00:05:15,157 --> 00:05:18,753
I used to think
it was called a "vaginer. "
66
00:05:18,801 --> 00:05:23,453
I did, because I grew up
in Boston and the-
67
00:05:23,501 --> 00:05:24,845
I don't know
if you are familiar with-
68
00:05:24,893 --> 00:05:27,051
People call it
the Boston accent.
69
00:05:27,098 --> 00:05:29,688
It's not an accent.
70
00:05:29,735 --> 00:05:32,998
It's a whole city of people
saying most words wrong.
71
00:05:34,149 --> 00:05:39,518
It's just a stupidity
in a massive region.
72
00:05:41,916 --> 00:05:43,354
Because my teachers,
73
00:05:43,403 --> 00:05:43,651
they teach you
to talk like that.
74
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:47,479
My teacher- I had a teacher
named Miss Daugherty,
75
00:05:47,527 --> 00:05:50,357
but she thought
her name was Mrs. Darrity.
76
00:05:51,411 --> 00:05:53,617
She mispronounced
her own name.
77
00:05:54,768 --> 00:05:56,686
Mrs. Darrity!
78
00:05:57,837 --> 00:06:00,045
And she'd give us sex-ed-
This was fifth grade.
79
00:06:00,092 --> 00:06:02,825
We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,
80
00:06:02,872 --> 00:06:04,791
and she's showing us
the diagram, she's like,
81
00:06:04,838 --> 00:06:06,622
"This is a penis.
82
00:06:06,662 --> 00:06:10,977
"And this is a vaginer.
83
00:06:14,286 --> 00:06:18,315
"Now, during intercourse,
the man ejaculates sperm...
84
00:06:20,425 --> 00:06:21,672
"... up into the vaginer.
85
00:06:24,932 --> 00:06:26,827
"And then later,
86
00:06:26,867 --> 00:06:28,722
"a fucking baby...
87
00:06:33,037 --> 00:06:35,818
"... comes out of the vaginer.
88
00:06:37,065 --> 00:06:39,943
And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"
89
00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:44,355
This was the '70s.
90
00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:48,479
A teacher said "retahded"
in Boston in the '70s.
91
00:06:49,822 --> 00:06:51,452
"My daughter's retahded. "
92
00:06:51,493 --> 00:06:53,083
She used to tell us every day.
93
00:06:53,131 --> 00:06:57,015
"I have a daughter
and she's mentally retahded.
94
00:06:57,063 --> 00:07:01,667
"She's 35 and she lives
in my house.
95
00:07:01,715 --> 00:07:04,592
"She better be fucking retahded.
96
00:07:07,086 --> 00:07:10,347
I'm gonna stick her back up
in my vaginer. "
97
00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:18,213
So I thought it was called
a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.
98
00:07:18,261 --> 00:07:21,090
And I remember thinking
it was, like-
99
00:07:21,137 --> 00:07:21,522
It's a vaginer, it's a-
100
00:07:21,570 --> 00:07:27,707
Like, a thing
that vagines, you know?
101
00:07:31,448 --> 00:07:31,880
Like, you use it to vagine-
102
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:36,052
I gotta vagine my driveway.
103
00:07:36,099 --> 00:07:36,725
I don't know.
104
00:07:38,546 --> 00:07:40,177
I just gotta vagine
this new table I just made.
105
00:07:43,342 --> 00:07:45,836
That would make a nice table,
like, you make a new table
106
00:07:45,884 --> 00:07:49,959
and then you take the-
the 80-grit paper
107
00:07:50,007 --> 00:07:53,124
and you sand it,
and then 120,
108
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:53,653
and then you go, "All right,
honey, get up there,"
109
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:56,721
and she just...
110
00:07:59,118 --> 00:08:01,229
Like, an old-
111
00:08:01,276 --> 00:08:03,100
Like, one of those
Danish tables, or like a...
112
00:08:04,107 --> 00:08:05,306
Ooh.
113
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:09,141
Nice old Italian table.
114
00:08:10,484 --> 00:08:11,157
"This table is-a very smooth
115
00:08:11,205 --> 00:08:17,294
"because, eh, my wife
have a very juicy pussy
116
00:08:17,342 --> 00:08:22,857
"and she vagine the table
and my family,
117
00:08:22,905 --> 00:08:24,873
we do this
for generations, we vagine. "
118
00:08:30,914 --> 00:08:32,257
All right.
119
00:08:34,462 --> 00:08:37,580
So I'm 47 now, and, uh...
120
00:08:37,628 --> 00:08:40,027
Yeah, I know, that's about
what it's worth.
121
00:08:42,807 --> 00:08:45,061
That's what it-
That's what that deserves.
122
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:45,446
"Woo. "
123
00:08:46,549 --> 00:08:47,892
"Woo. "
124
00:08:50,575 --> 00:08:51,152
"Woo!"
125
00:08:51,201 --> 00:08:55,132
Yeah, 47 doesn't
buy you anything.
126
00:08:55,179 --> 00:08:58,632
18, you can vote,
21, you can drink,
127
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:02,038
and 47, you can just-
Just keep doing whatever.
128
00:09:02,085 --> 00:09:02,662
Just do...
129
00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:07,839
Just keep being out of breath.
130
00:09:11,103 --> 00:09:14,890
One good thing is that
I've let go of any dream
131
00:09:14,937 --> 00:09:17,816
of getting in great shape,
like, it's like a relief.
132
00:09:17,863 --> 00:09:20,214
Just 'cause-
My whole life I've been like,
133
00:09:20,262 --> 00:09:22,612
well, someday, I should
really get in great shape.
134
00:09:22,659 --> 00:09:24,530
Now, I'm like, what?
Why would I do that?
135
00:09:24,578 --> 00:09:27,790
That's not gonna happen.
Just-
136
00:09:27,838 --> 00:09:29,852
To me, the bar,
the level I wanna reach
137
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,723
as far as the shape I'm in,
I just want it to be
138
00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:35,462
so that if you find out
that I died,
139
00:09:35,511 --> 00:09:38,100
you ask "What happened?"
140
00:09:38,148 --> 00:09:39,492
That's all.
141
00:09:39,541 --> 00:09:41,699
I want you to wonder
what happened.
142
00:09:45,631 --> 00:09:47,741
I don't want it to be
like, "Oh, he died?"
143
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,235
Oh, yeah, well, sure.
Sure he did.
144
00:09:50,282 --> 00:09:52,153
Sure he did.
145
00:09:58,386 --> 00:09:59,632
This'd be bigger news to you-
146
00:09:59,681 --> 00:10:01,167
Did you hear
Louie's still alive?
147
00:10:01,207 --> 00:10:03,038
Shit.
Oh, really?
148
00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:05,484
Oh, my God!
149
00:10:05,532 --> 00:10:09,224
Oh, my God, how?
150
00:10:09,264 --> 00:10:11,046
How?
151
00:10:13,062 --> 00:10:15,267
Some things change
when you get older.
152
00:10:15,316 --> 00:10:18,529
Like, I've reallocated some
of the noises that I make.
153
00:10:20,063 --> 00:10:24,138
Like, the noise
I used to make when I come
154
00:10:24,186 --> 00:10:25,818
is now the noise I make
when I pee.
155
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:34,594
Oh... oh...
156
00:10:35,793 --> 00:10:38,239
Oh...
157
00:10:38,286 --> 00:10:40,588
Ah...
158
00:10:43,082 --> 00:10:45,384
Ahhh...
159
00:10:46,535 --> 00:10:48,933
Take it all, bitch.
160
00:10:54,831 --> 00:10:57,901
Very disrespectful
to my toilet, unfortunately.
161
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:02,072
Yeah, you like that piss,
don't you?
162
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:02,409
Bitch!
163
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,869
I'm gonna shit in your mouth,
too, 'cause you ain't nothing
164
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:11,376
but a shit-eatin',
piss-drinkin' toilet!
165
00:11:13,678 --> 00:11:17,035
Dumb bitch, toilet!
166
00:11:17,082 --> 00:11:19,193
You ain't intelligent.
167
00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:21,975
You ain't even been outside.
168
00:11:22,022 --> 00:11:27,009
You sit there waiting for me
to shit in your face.
169
00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:30,846
Got piss on your lips.
170
00:11:32,670 --> 00:11:34,444
You ain't even special.
171
00:11:34,492 --> 00:11:38,614
I pissed in three toilets today.
172
00:11:38,662 --> 00:11:39,622
You ain't shit.
173
00:11:44,273 --> 00:11:45,090
That's terrible.
174
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,584
That's awful.
175
00:11:47,632 --> 00:11:49,645
But that's how my dad
treated his toilet,
176
00:11:49,693 --> 00:11:52,666
so that's where I learned it.
177
00:11:56,743 --> 00:11:59,476
It's a shame.
178
00:12:00,722 --> 00:12:03,935
So that's the noise
I make when I pee.
179
00:12:03,983 --> 00:12:05,568
And, uh, some of you
might be wondering-
180
00:12:05,615 --> 00:12:08,587
None of you are wondering...
181
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:13,383
...what noise do I make
when I come.
182
00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:14,104
So this is the noise
I make when I come.
183
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:17,365
I just go...
It is done!
184
00:12:17,412 --> 00:12:23,983
It's a whole thing with clouds
and lightning and crows.
185
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:28,490
The circle is complete!
186
00:12:28,538 --> 00:12:30,744
It's kind of intense.
187
00:12:32,998 --> 00:12:36,306
And there's a little witch
with white eyes going,
188
00:12:36,354 --> 00:12:37,890
"And a child will be born!"
189
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:40,479
I don't know.
190
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,289
One time I was
having sex with a woman,
191
00:12:47,336 --> 00:12:49,783
it was our first time
having sex.
192
00:12:49,830 --> 00:12:53,716
Also turned out to be
our last time, but I wasn't-
193
00:12:53,763 --> 00:12:56,065
Didn't know that at the-
194
00:12:56,113 --> 00:12:58,559
Anyway, I was getting-
I was gonna come soon,
195
00:12:58,607 --> 00:13:01,964
so I felt like talking
about it, and...
196
00:13:02,011 --> 00:13:04,362
But I didn't know her very well.
197
00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:09,731
So it came out weird,
I said, "Oh, I'm cooming. "
198
00:13:14,816 --> 00:13:16,830
She's like, "What did you say?"
199
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,489
'Cause I was back there.
That's why.
200
00:13:24,406 --> 00:13:25,318
That's why
she had to go like this.
201
00:13:25,366 --> 00:13:27,954
"What'd you say?
202
00:13:28,291 --> 00:13:30,593
What was that back there, chief?
What was that?"
203
00:13:36,011 --> 00:13:38,313
'Cause I'm always back there.
204
00:13:41,911 --> 00:13:43,733
That's a- that's a weird thing
to brag about.
205
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,180
I'm always behind her.
206
00:13:46,227 --> 00:13:50,024
Every time.
207
00:13:50,064 --> 00:13:52,606
So they don't see me crying.
208
00:13:57,784 --> 00:13:58,552
It's weird having sex
with a woman from behind
209
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,854
'cause you don't know
what's going on the whole time
210
00:14:00,902 --> 00:14:03,491
and you get kinda paranoid.
211
00:14:04,689 --> 00:14:07,087
The whole time,
she might be like...
212
00:14:36,725 --> 00:14:38,452
I was on the subway in New York.
213
00:14:39,890 --> 00:14:43,917
This isn't another sex story.
214
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,180
This is a traveling story.
215
00:14:48,139 --> 00:14:49,865
Are you ready?
216
00:14:51,592 --> 00:14:54,469
So I'm on the subway
and I'm standing there-
217
00:14:54,517 --> 00:14:57,011
I wasn't holding anything,
I just like to stand like this.
218
00:14:57,059 --> 00:15:00,030
I'm standing there.
219
00:15:01,278 --> 00:15:03,005
I walk around the city
like this.
220
00:15:03,053 --> 00:15:05,785
Hi.
221
00:15:05,978 --> 00:15:08,808
So I'm standing there and
from behind me over here,
222
00:15:08,856 --> 00:15:12,595
I hear this. I hear...
223
00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:15,041
And I was like, whew, okay.
224
00:15:15,089 --> 00:15:15,475
It's a crazy person.
225
00:15:15,522 --> 00:15:17,920
I mean, it's not a big surprise
in New York.
226
00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:19,838
Then I heard it again.
227
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,084
I was like,
all right, I wanna see,
228
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:25,448
I wanna see the crazy person.
I just wanna take a look.
229
00:15:25,488 --> 00:15:26,608
So I look over and
it's not what I expected.
230
00:15:26,648 --> 00:15:29,573
It wasn't a big homeless guy
with two sets of headphones
231
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:31,348
that don't work
or anything like that.
232
00:15:32,450 --> 00:15:34,177
It was a...
233
00:15:35,903 --> 00:15:38,397
A young woman,
she looked like she was about 21
234
00:15:38,445 --> 00:15:41,417
and she's standing there,
she's very, kinda nice-
235
00:15:41,465 --> 00:15:41,802
Properly dressed.
236
00:15:41,850 --> 00:15:45,015
She was very, like,
Michigan-y or something.
237
00:15:45,064 --> 00:15:48,899
Very suburban-y, Michigan-y
kinda thing.
238
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,633
And she's standing there
with her ponytail,
239
00:15:51,681 --> 00:15:53,311
and then all of a sudden,
she starts going like this,
240
00:15:53,359 --> 00:15:56,764
she goes...
241
00:15:56,812 --> 00:15:59,066
La-la la-la-la la-la!"
242
00:15:59,114 --> 00:16:02,086
And I realize, oh,
she's, like, a student,
243
00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:03,574
like, a singing music student,
244
00:16:03,622 --> 00:16:07,075
and she's doing her vocal
exercises on the subway.
245
00:16:07,122 --> 00:16:11,726
You know what?
It wasn't charming or nice.
246
00:16:11,775 --> 00:16:14,173
It was arrogant and rude,
247
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:15,803
'cause she just had
this look like, it's-
248
00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:20,790
I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying
music in New York City
249
00:16:20,838 --> 00:16:25,873
and I just do my thing
right on the subway every day.
250
00:16:25,922 --> 00:16:30,094
La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!
251
00:16:32,684 --> 00:16:36,710
La-la la-la-la la-la,
tired nurse
252
00:16:36,751 --> 00:16:38,007
who just did a 14-hour shift!
253
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,949
We live in an interesting time,
you know.
254
00:16:52,997 --> 00:16:54,820
'Cause you can be
on an airplane,
255
00:16:54,868 --> 00:16:57,122
you're like one
of 200 passengers.
256
00:16:57,170 --> 00:16:59,231
You're on a flight
30,000 feet in the air,
257
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:00,526
and in the middle of the flight
258
00:17:00,574 --> 00:17:03,356
if you just decide to do this,
you're sitting in your seat
259
00:17:03,404 --> 00:17:05,083
and you just start going
like this, you go...
260
00:17:05,130 --> 00:17:06,809
Maaah!
261
00:17:07,577 --> 00:17:12,851
Maaah! Mahh!
262
00:17:14,673 --> 00:17:19,708
If you do that and
don't stop doing it,
263
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,004
they will land the plane.
264
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:30,260
You can will a plane
to the ground
265
00:17:30,307 --> 00:17:32,609
without a weapon or a threat.
266
00:17:36,350 --> 00:17:37,645
You don't even
have to do that much,
267
00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:40,762
you can just sit there and
just start going, "Down!
268
00:17:42,488 --> 00:17:44,503
Down!"
269
00:17:44,551 --> 00:17:47,044
Seriously, if you were
on a plane
270
00:17:47,092 --> 00:17:49,826
and you just didn't
stop saying "down. "
271
00:17:49,873 --> 00:17:51,839
"Down!
272
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:53,518
Down!"
273
00:17:54,285 --> 00:17:56,923
"Sir, is there a problem?"
"Down!
274
00:17:56,971 --> 00:17:58,553
Down!"
275
00:18:00,616 --> 00:18:02,774
Fighter jets will appear-
276
00:18:02,822 --> 00:18:06,371
I mean, you're going
to the nearest airport.
277
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:10,447
And then I guess
you're in trouble, but...
278
00:18:10,495 --> 00:18:13,228
What? They can't put you,
like, in prison
279
00:18:13,276 --> 00:18:17,496
because you said
"down" several times.
280
00:18:17,544 --> 00:18:19,519
They, like, bother you.
281
00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:21,285
"Why'd you do it?
Are you a terrorist?
282
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:22,820
Why'd you do it?"
283
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:26,129
"I just- I just didn't want
to be up anymore.
284
00:18:26,176 --> 00:18:28,190
"I just didn't like it.
285
00:18:28,239 --> 00:18:33,801
"I mean, I just said the word
of the- where I wanted to be.
286
00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:36,152
"You didn't have to do it.
287
00:18:38,405 --> 00:18:42,722
It was just a suggestion,
Jesus Christ. "
288
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:48,284
I was on a plane once and there
was two babies on the plane.
289
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:50,970
And other people,
it wasn't just...
290
00:18:53,608 --> 00:18:56,197
It wasn't just me
and two babies.
291
00:19:00,178 --> 00:19:02,096
That would be weird.
292
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:06,125
You get on a plane,
there's just two babies.
293
00:19:14,948 --> 00:19:17,681
Come on, we're leaving soon.
294
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,949
He's the pilot baby.
295
00:19:23,868 --> 00:19:26,170
I'm the other baby.
296
00:19:29,862 --> 00:19:32,212
No, that's all right,
I'm not gonna...
297
00:19:33,891 --> 00:19:36,240
You babies have a good flight,
298
00:19:36,288 --> 00:19:39,118
but I'm gonna find
another way to get there.
299
00:19:39,166 --> 00:19:41,900
Yeah, I don't like the way
this was starting.
300
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:49,812
Anyway, I was on a plane
and there was these two babies
301
00:19:49,861 --> 00:19:51,635
and they were crying
the whole time,
302
00:19:51,682 --> 00:19:53,601
crying the whole flight,
and that happens a lot.
303
00:19:53,648 --> 00:19:56,862
I don't think they knew each
other, they were just crying.
304
00:19:56,910 --> 00:19:58,828
I've seen this
on so many flights,
305
00:19:58,876 --> 00:20:00,602
I started to wonder, is there
a reason for this?
306
00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:02,233
Is there, like,
an actual reason why babies-
307
00:20:02,281 --> 00:20:04,342
So I looked it up. Turns out,
there's an actual reason
308
00:20:04,391 --> 00:20:06,502
why babies cry on airplanes,
and it's because they're upset
309
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:10,912
that gay people
are getting married.
310
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:12,208
Yeah.
311
00:20:13,550 --> 00:20:16,860
They're, like, really upset.
312
00:20:18,058 --> 00:20:20,456
Like, inconsolably upset.
313
00:20:21,607 --> 00:20:23,190
Honey, it's-
The country's changing.
314
00:20:23,238 --> 00:20:24,772
Waah!
315
00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:30,767
And I don't agree with them.
316
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:34,556
I think if people are in love,
they should get married.
317
00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:38,824
But they can't-
They can't accept that.
318
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:41,557
'Cause they're just- You know,
they're just being babies.
319
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:47,983
Babies are selfish.
320
00:20:48,031 --> 00:20:50,573
They are,
babies are selfish.
321
00:20:50,621 --> 00:20:53,115
They just, waah!
322
00:20:53,163 --> 00:20:56,424
No baby ever goes, "Waah,
but how you doing, though?"
323
00:21:02,466 --> 00:21:05,055
I have two daughters and both of
them at one time were babies
324
00:21:05,104 --> 00:21:06,256
and I held them
and they cried on planes.
325
00:21:06,304 --> 00:21:08,606
It's happened to me,
I've had a baby on a plane.
326
00:21:08,653 --> 00:21:11,866
If you're ever-
This is how selfish people are.
327
00:21:11,913 --> 00:21:13,688
When you're on a plane and
you hear a baby crying,
328
00:21:13,735 --> 00:21:16,037
you think that's
happening to you.
329
00:21:16,085 --> 00:21:19,922
You're like, "Ugh, this is
gonna ruin my flight!
330
00:21:19,970 --> 00:21:23,039
It's gonna ruin it!"
331
00:21:23,088 --> 00:21:26,108
Well, look at the parent,
'cause that person is holding
332
00:21:26,157 --> 00:21:28,794
a crying baby on a plane,
333
00:21:28,843 --> 00:21:32,919
which means they've been
traveling with a baby all day,
334
00:21:32,966 --> 00:21:38,338
which means they have
a baby, okay?
335
00:21:38,385 --> 00:21:41,167
So their life isn't even good.
336
00:21:42,845 --> 00:21:45,243
They don't like anything.
337
00:21:45,290 --> 00:21:48,552
Their whole life is,
ugh, Jesus!
338
00:21:50,711 --> 00:21:52,436
If there's any joy for them,
339
00:21:52,485 --> 00:21:57,040
it's that this is now
bothering other people.
340
00:21:57,089 --> 00:21:59,630
"Yeah, you listen
to this shit now!"
341
00:21:59,678 --> 00:22:01,980
Waah!
342
00:22:08,790 --> 00:22:11,044
I remember one time, my baby
was crying on the plane,
343
00:22:11,092 --> 00:22:12,579
she was really upset,
and this guy,
344
00:22:12,626 --> 00:22:13,873
some businessman
on the plane,
345
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,647
'cause businessmen
always think that every flight
346
00:22:15,696 --> 00:22:18,477
is a private plane of theirs
347
00:22:18,524 --> 00:22:22,553
that we're all, like,
piggybacking on.
348
00:22:22,601 --> 00:22:24,616
And this guy has
his fucking newspaper
349
00:22:25,814 --> 00:22:26,774
and he turns around to look
at me and my baby
350
00:22:26,822 --> 00:22:29,651
and he looks right at me.
351
00:22:29,698 --> 00:22:31,089
He doesn't kinda, like,
go like this.
352
00:22:31,138 --> 00:22:32,625
He looks at me like, hmm?
353
00:22:32,673 --> 00:22:36,557
Like, could you?
354
00:22:38,859 --> 00:22:41,256
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
is this bothering you?
355
00:22:41,304 --> 00:22:42,838
Let me just... "
356
00:23:14,154 --> 00:23:16,935
You all just clapped
for a dead baby.
357
00:23:19,237 --> 00:23:21,539
You applauded a dead baby.
358
00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:29,644
I have two children.
359
00:23:29,692 --> 00:23:31,324
Uh, nine and 12 years old.
360
00:23:31,371 --> 00:23:33,912
Both girls.
361
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,928
Uh, they're both gay.
362
00:23:35,975 --> 00:23:38,564
Um...
363
00:23:39,762 --> 00:23:40,435
I'm raising 'em gay.
364
00:23:43,312 --> 00:23:44,655
Most people
raise their kids straight,
365
00:23:44,702 --> 00:23:46,765
I'm just gonna raise mine gay.
366
00:23:46,812 --> 00:23:50,409
Maybe they'll do what
they want later, but, uh,
367
00:23:50,457 --> 00:23:53,478
as long as they're in
my house, they're gay.
368
00:23:59,233 --> 00:24:01,200
I tell 'em every day,
you're gay, honey, good night.
369
00:24:01,249 --> 00:24:03,406
Go to bed.
370
00:24:03,454 --> 00:24:07,241
Brush your gay teeth,
gay honey.
371
00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:14,079
Don't forget to be gay.
372
00:24:19,739 --> 00:24:21,178
Having children
is a big responsibility
373
00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:24,728
and I've never really done
very well at it.
374
00:24:24,775 --> 00:24:27,603
I've made a lot of mistakes.
375
00:24:27,652 --> 00:24:29,051
Some of them big, some of them
small, you know?
376
00:24:29,091 --> 00:24:34,173
Like, I'm still a person,
I still am an idiot, you know,
377
00:24:34,221 --> 00:24:37,003
still, like, I-
I got high one night,
378
00:24:37,051 --> 00:24:39,880
I got really high, because
I don't do drugs.
379
00:24:39,928 --> 00:24:42,566
I never do drugs, never.
380
00:24:42,614 --> 00:24:45,108
So that when I do...
381
00:24:46,977 --> 00:24:48,992
...they're way more fun.
382
00:24:50,910 --> 00:24:52,780
To me, that's my best advice
about drugs.
383
00:24:52,829 --> 00:24:56,090
If you want to enjoy drugs,
never do them, never.
384
00:24:56,138 --> 00:25:00,885
Because then when you do,
they're actually fun.
385
00:25:00,933 --> 00:25:02,852
'Cause when drugs
are a part of your life,
386
00:25:02,899 --> 00:25:06,256
they're just another pain
in the ass in your life.
387
00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:09,804
It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck.
388
00:25:09,853 --> 00:25:12,155
I don't want to have
that problem.
389
00:25:14,505 --> 00:25:16,999
I always want to be that person
where it's a new thing,
390
00:25:17,046 --> 00:25:18,437
somebody's like,
hey, you wanna try this?
391
00:25:18,485 --> 00:25:20,260
And I'm like, oh!
392
00:25:20,308 --> 00:25:22,657
I don't know if I should.
393
00:25:22,705 --> 00:25:25,343
This is crazy.
394
00:25:25,391 --> 00:25:27,501
I don't even know
how I'm gonna do it.
395
00:25:27,549 --> 00:25:29,611
I mean, what is this?
396
00:25:33,974 --> 00:25:36,852
Anyway, I got-
My friend had the little vape-
397
00:25:36,901 --> 00:25:37,237
I'm a little worried, honestly,
398
00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:39,347
by the young people
with the vaping
399
00:25:39,395 --> 00:25:44,237
and they just do this
and then they just vape.
400
00:25:44,286 --> 00:25:47,978
And they just stand
on the corner and puff
401
00:25:48,026 --> 00:25:51,001
and look at the fucking thing
and I miss- I miss you.
402
00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:53,206
That's what it is,
I miss you people,
403
00:25:53,254 --> 00:25:55,604
'cause you used
to stand around like this
404
00:25:55,653 --> 00:25:57,763
and I get to go,
"I'd fuck that one,
405
00:25:57,810 --> 00:25:59,881
and that one's okay,"
but now I don't even-
406
00:25:59,921 --> 00:26:02,318
I'm just looking at the top
of people's heads now.
407
00:26:02,366 --> 00:26:05,578
But I didn't realize
how, like, my friend-
408
00:26:05,626 --> 00:26:06,786
I have a younger friend
who vapes
409
00:26:06,826 --> 00:26:10,709
and she told me it's just
to kinda, like, calm her.
410
00:26:10,758 --> 00:26:11,526
She's like, I barely feel it,
you know.
411
00:26:11,574 --> 00:26:12,772
Sometimes it helps me sleep.
412
00:26:12,820 --> 00:26:15,889
So one night, we're hanging out
and I'm like, I'm gonna go home
413
00:26:15,936 --> 00:26:17,759
and go to sleep,
but I mean, I'll just try it,
414
00:26:17,807 --> 00:26:18,431
so I took one little tiny hit.
415
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:22,172
I was insane,
I was completely insane.
416
00:26:23,370 --> 00:26:26,151
I was in my house, I couldn't
even walk past a window,
417
00:26:26,199 --> 00:26:26,680
I had to go under the windows,
418
00:26:26,728 --> 00:26:31,140
'cause I was afraid of
the inside of my own brain.
419
00:26:36,030 --> 00:26:38,428
So I started texting people,
just being-
420
00:26:38,476 --> 00:26:42,745
Just texting, "I'm so high.
I'm so fucking high.
421
00:26:42,793 --> 00:26:45,870
I'm so high," and I texted,
you know, another friend.
422
00:26:45,911 --> 00:26:51,377
"I'm so high I want to suck
the pot jizz out of my own dick
423
00:26:51,424 --> 00:26:52,671
and get higher. "
424
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,247
That's what I wrote.
425
00:26:54,445 --> 00:26:56,891
I'm not bragging, I'm just
telling you that's what I wrote.
426
00:26:56,939 --> 00:26:58,474
And I sent it.
427
00:27:00,536 --> 00:27:02,742
And then later, I looked
at my text and I was, like,
428
00:27:02,790 --> 00:27:05,955
I think I might have sent that
to my 12-year-old daughter.
429
00:27:06,003 --> 00:27:06,963
I think it's possible.
430
00:27:09,984 --> 00:27:13,077
And I didn't,
but I too easily could've.
431
00:27:13,117 --> 00:27:16,171
We need- Now my kids
are in my phone.
432
00:27:16,219 --> 00:27:20,534
There needs to be
some very reliable firewall
433
00:27:20,583 --> 00:27:25,713
that says, these numbers
are much harder to text,
434
00:27:25,761 --> 00:27:27,729
that you can't just, whoops!
435
00:27:27,776 --> 00:27:31,516
Traumatized her irreversibly!
436
00:27:33,195 --> 00:27:36,840
That you can go, like,
to write to these numbers,
437
00:27:36,888 --> 00:27:43,073
I have to solve the Hellraiser
puzzle and I have to...
438
00:27:43,121 --> 00:27:47,389
There's two guys with the keys
in the opposite room
439
00:27:47,438 --> 00:27:49,213
that turn them
at the same moment
440
00:27:49,261 --> 00:27:50,795
and there's a warning.
441
00:27:53,528 --> 00:27:55,352
"Are you sure you want
to send this picture
442
00:27:55,399 --> 00:27:59,378
"of your pubic hair
443
00:27:59,426 --> 00:28:01,058
to your ex-wife's mother?"
444
00:28:03,024 --> 00:28:05,326
That's how you want
to break the silence
445
00:28:05,374 --> 00:28:09,833
of six years since the divorce.
446
00:28:12,087 --> 00:28:12,376
"This is my pubic hair.
447
00:28:12,424 --> 00:28:14,821
"Look at all of my pubic hair.
448
00:28:14,869 --> 00:28:17,842
How have you been?"
449
00:28:25,371 --> 00:28:26,331
I try to be a good dad,
but, you know, like-
450
00:28:26,379 --> 00:28:30,262
life just kinda takes off
and kids start, you know,
451
00:28:30,310 --> 00:28:31,846
they got their own ideas
and they're-
452
00:28:31,893 --> 00:28:35,921
My nine-year-old, she's just
figuring out about lying
453
00:28:35,969 --> 00:28:36,546
and that's a tough thing.
454
00:28:36,594 --> 00:28:38,799
It's hard to roll that one back,
455
00:28:38,847 --> 00:28:45,609
because lying is pretty
amazingly useful in life.
456
00:28:45,658 --> 00:28:49,541
It's like, how do you tell a kid
not to use a thing
457
00:28:49,589 --> 00:28:54,432
that just solves every
possible problem, like magic?
458
00:28:55,009 --> 00:28:56,207
How do you...
459
00:28:57,358 --> 00:28:59,421
'Cause that's why- Kids lie
'cause they're in trouble.
460
00:28:59,469 --> 00:29:02,010
They lie 'cause they're in more
trouble than they can take,
461
00:29:02,058 --> 00:29:04,647
you know?
'Cause kids...
462
00:29:04,695 --> 00:29:05,463
Nine-year-old, when
a nine-year-old lies,
463
00:29:05,511 --> 00:29:10,545
it's not for some weird
Machiavellian, you know...
464
00:29:10,593 --> 00:29:12,655
"Do you know what my teacher
said about you?
465
00:29:12,703 --> 00:29:13,184
It was interesting. "
466
00:29:13,232 --> 00:29:17,355
They don't just make shit up.
467
00:29:17,741 --> 00:29:19,179
They lie because
they're in trouble
468
00:29:19,226 --> 00:29:20,522
and it's more than they can-
469
00:29:20,569 --> 00:29:22,679
'Cause trouble
is too much for a kid.
470
00:29:22,727 --> 00:29:25,126
Trouble- For grown-ups,
we can take trouble.
471
00:29:25,173 --> 00:29:28,960
We don't care.
We just go, oh, I'm sorry.
472
00:29:29,009 --> 00:29:30,640
Oh, am I in trouble?
473
00:29:30,688 --> 00:29:34,763
Oh, whoops!
474
00:29:34,812 --> 00:29:37,929
We don't care.
475
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:41,574
But to a little kid, trouble is
like this horrible...
476
00:29:41,621 --> 00:29:44,115
Did you take the chocolate?
477
00:29:50,111 --> 00:29:54,330
And she did and she doesn't know
how to handle it.
478
00:29:54,378 --> 00:29:54,474
Did you-
479
00:29:54,523 --> 00:29:56,873
Did you take it?
480
00:30:03,201 --> 00:30:04,544
"No. "
481
00:30:05,409 --> 00:30:08,478
Well, all right, then,
have a nice day.
482
00:30:18,451 --> 00:30:20,658
How do you then tell her,
yeah, don't ever apply
483
00:30:20,706 --> 00:30:24,399
that perfect solution again,
to terrifying things.
484
00:30:27,181 --> 00:30:30,633
Mark Twain once said, "A man
who always tells the truth
485
00:30:30,682 --> 00:30:33,750
doesn't have to remember
what he said. "
486
00:30:33,799 --> 00:30:35,334
And that's great.
487
00:30:35,381 --> 00:30:38,787
But Mark Twain also said,
"There once was a big black guy
488
00:30:38,834 --> 00:30:41,663
named Nigger Jim. "
So...
489
00:30:42,814 --> 00:30:45,116
I don't know if...
490
00:30:45,165 --> 00:30:49,049
...a hundred percent
of the things he said
491
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:51,158
were perfectly awesome.
492
00:30:57,584 --> 00:30:59,359
Really, Mark? Nigger Jim,
you're gonna go with?
493
00:30:59,407 --> 00:31:02,860
That's the best you can do,
to name the-
494
00:31:02,908 --> 00:31:06,074
It's got kind of a nice ring
to it, Nigger Jim.
495
00:31:06,121 --> 00:31:09,574
Yeah, well, it's a little
on the nose, isn't it?
496
00:31:12,450 --> 00:31:15,041
Could've called him Black Mike,
I mean, just a little...
497
00:31:16,289 --> 00:31:20,459
Take it down
one notch of the...
498
00:31:20,507 --> 00:31:22,617
Thanks for that, Mark.
499
00:31:27,586 --> 00:31:29,361
Anyway.
500
00:31:29,409 --> 00:31:32,862
So, while we're in this area...
501
00:31:34,396 --> 00:31:36,315
Now that I know
you guys are cool.
502
00:31:36,362 --> 00:31:39,286
No, no.
503
00:31:39,334 --> 00:31:39,575
No.
504
00:31:47,583 --> 00:31:49,597
No. Um...
505
00:31:49,644 --> 00:31:50,843
No, no.
506
00:31:50,892 --> 00:31:51,085
But, uh- but, uh...
507
00:31:51,132 --> 00:31:52,763
but... but...
508
00:31:57,846 --> 00:31:58,183
This is a story
that takes place-
509
00:31:58,230 --> 00:32:00,628
I'm gonna tell you this story,
it's kind of a messy story.
510
00:32:00,675 --> 00:32:03,026
It takes place over a lot
of years, 'cause it start-
511
00:32:03,074 --> 00:32:06,191
It started with my friend Mike,
who told me this story.
512
00:32:06,239 --> 00:32:08,972
This happened to him
back in the '90s.
513
00:32:09,021 --> 00:32:13,336
He was going home for Christmas
and he lives in Connecticut-
514
00:32:13,384 --> 00:32:17,077
He grew up in Connecticut
in some shitty shit town
515
00:32:17,124 --> 00:32:20,338
in shitty, shitty Connecticut,
516
00:32:20,385 --> 00:32:24,221
and he didn't like going home.
517
00:32:24,269 --> 00:32:24,942
He's one of those people.
He came from a place-
518
00:32:24,989 --> 00:32:27,722
Doesn't like it anymore.
And he goes back-
519
00:32:27,770 --> 00:32:29,928
He doesn't know how
to handle his family, you know,
520
00:32:29,976 --> 00:32:31,704
and he came from a family
of white racists
521
00:32:31,751 --> 00:32:34,245
and he doesn't like going home,
but it's still home,
522
00:32:34,293 --> 00:32:36,691
so he went home
for Christmas one year
523
00:32:37,889 --> 00:32:40,286
and everybody's hanging out
during the day, talking,
524
00:32:40,334 --> 00:32:42,733
having lunch,
and his father and his brother
525
00:32:42,780 --> 00:32:43,261
both work at this factory
526
00:32:43,309 --> 00:32:45,611
and his brother's grousing
about his day at work
527
00:32:45,659 --> 00:32:48,488
and he goes, "Yeah,
and then this fucking nigger
528
00:32:48,535 --> 00:32:49,112
fell asleep at the forklift. "
529
00:32:49,159 --> 00:32:54,242
And then my friend Mike heard
that and he went, "Oh, God.
530
00:32:54,290 --> 00:32:56,161
Why am I part of these people?
I hate this. "
531
00:32:56,210 --> 00:32:57,752
And he felt bad.
532
00:32:57,792 --> 00:33:01,100
And then that night,
he's in the kitchen
533
00:33:01,148 --> 00:33:04,121
and he's having a warm milk
or whatever and he...
534
00:33:04,170 --> 00:33:06,184
I don't know why that's-
535
00:33:06,232 --> 00:33:08,678
I don't know
why that's funny, but...
536
00:33:08,725 --> 00:33:09,973
What that says about him.
537
00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:11,939
Yeah, 'cause he's a pussy.
538
00:33:11,987 --> 00:33:13,817
No.
539
00:33:13,857 --> 00:33:17,021
He's just sort of having
some time to himself
540
00:33:17,069 --> 00:33:17,837
and his cousin comes downstairs,
who's staying-
541
00:33:17,886 --> 00:33:20,474
And his cousin,
he likes his cousin.
542
00:33:20,522 --> 00:33:21,578
That's the one person
he always felt connected with,
543
00:33:22,776 --> 00:33:23,353
and his cousin's like,
"What's wrong, man?"
544
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,134
And he says, "Well, jeez,
I come home and I hoped
545
00:33:26,182 --> 00:33:28,101
"that everything would be,
you know, normal,
546
00:33:28,148 --> 00:33:31,313
"but then, my brother says,
uhh, he's at the factory
547
00:33:31,361 --> 00:33:33,902
and this nigger
fell asleep at the forklift. "
548
00:33:33,951 --> 00:33:36,013
And his cousin goes,
"Oh, my God,
549
00:33:36,061 --> 00:33:38,555
the nigger fell asleep
at the forklift?"
550
00:33:42,007 --> 00:33:43,782
So this is the first part
of the story, okay?
551
00:33:43,830 --> 00:33:46,043
So Mike tells me that story
552
00:33:46,083 --> 00:33:49,536
about how he's just not listened
to by anybody in his family,
553
00:33:49,585 --> 00:33:54,092
and then later on, I get
a job writing on a TV show
554
00:33:54,132 --> 00:33:54,284
for Cedric the Entertainer.
555
00:33:54,332 --> 00:33:58,647
Great guy, and he had a show
and he hired a writing staff,
556
00:33:58,688 --> 00:34:00,135
half white writers,
half black writers.
557
00:34:00,183 --> 00:34:02,676
So at lunchtime, we talk
about race, it was just a-
558
00:34:02,725 --> 00:34:06,607
We'd have these provocative,
interesting conversations,
559
00:34:06,656 --> 00:34:08,095
trading notes about race,
the white writers
560
00:34:08,144 --> 00:34:10,445
and the black writers,
and I told that story.
561
00:34:10,494 --> 00:34:11,980
I told the whole thing
about the guy,
562
00:34:12,028 --> 00:34:14,474
"Uhh, nigger and the forklift,"
And then the cousin saying,
563
00:34:14,521 --> 00:34:16,008
"Uhh, the nigger
at the forklift!"
564
00:34:16,056 --> 00:34:20,419
And then one of the writers,
a black writer,
565
00:34:20,467 --> 00:34:20,852
he goes,
"There's nothing worse
566
00:34:20,901 --> 00:34:24,065
"than a nigger falling asleep
at the forklift,
567
00:34:27,710 --> 00:34:30,539
making it harder
for the rest of us. "
568
00:34:34,135 --> 00:34:36,150
Still, nobody is quite hearing
569
00:34:36,198 --> 00:34:41,089
what my friend
was going through.
570
00:34:44,063 --> 00:34:47,468
And then, about a year later,
571
00:34:47,516 --> 00:34:49,578
I'm hanging out
with my friend Dino.
572
00:34:49,626 --> 00:34:50,825
Dino is Greek.
573
00:34:50,872 --> 00:34:54,852
He has no dog in the race,
he doesn't care either way.
574
00:34:54,900 --> 00:34:56,532
He's Greek. Greeks aren't
white or black, they're just-
575
00:34:56,580 --> 00:34:59,073
He's just got a big nose
and he just stands there.
576
00:35:04,540 --> 00:35:07,945
And I told Dino the whole story,
I told him about the guy,
577
00:35:07,993 --> 00:35:10,439
"Uhh, the forklift,"
and the guy, "Uhh!"
578
00:35:10,487 --> 00:35:14,466
And then the black writer-
579
00:35:14,513 --> 00:35:17,488
And then Dino says, "How do
you fall asleep at a forklift?"
580
00:35:29,861 --> 00:35:34,080
My oldest daughter is gonna be
13 next year, that's a big deal.
581
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:34,177
That's a big deal.
That's-
582
00:35:34,226 --> 00:35:36,528
All the parents ahead of you
always go, like, yeah.
583
00:35:36,575 --> 00:35:42,234
Yeah,
wait 'til she...
584
00:35:42,282 --> 00:35:46,645
That's when you...
585
00:35:48,276 --> 00:35:49,811
I'm not afraid
of her teenagehood.
586
00:35:49,858 --> 00:35:51,585
It's gonna be challenging
and difficult
587
00:35:51,634 --> 00:35:53,503
and she'll meet
the challenges, you know.
588
00:35:54,701 --> 00:35:56,237
I'm always proud of my kid.
She's a good kid.
589
00:35:56,285 --> 00:35:58,396
Now, some parents are really
afraid of their daughters.
590
00:35:58,443 --> 00:36:02,136
A lot of dads get scared, like,
I don't know what to do.
591
00:36:02,184 --> 00:36:03,862
I have this friend,
his daughter's 15,
592
00:36:05,060 --> 00:36:06,452
he's like, "She's gonna
start having sex!
593
00:36:06,499 --> 00:36:08,754
"I don't know what to do!
594
00:36:08,801 --> 00:36:11,871
She's gonna have sex,
what do I do?"
595
00:36:11,918 --> 00:36:14,604
I'm like, well,
you don't do anything.
596
00:36:14,653 --> 00:36:17,242
You don't have a role
in that at all.
597
00:36:17,290 --> 00:36:20,455
You're her father.
No role.
598
00:36:20,503 --> 00:36:24,196
Not supportive
or advisory, nothing.
599
00:36:27,601 --> 00:36:30,095
"But what if she has a bad
sexual experience?"
600
00:36:30,142 --> 00:36:33,451
Oh, she's gonna have
a number of those.
601
00:36:33,499 --> 00:36:36,232
Oh, yes, she is.
602
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,055
Her whole life
is gonna be just walking
603
00:36:38,103 --> 00:36:42,227
through a blizzard of bad dicks,
just...
604
00:36:43,953 --> 00:36:46,494
Ow!
605
00:36:46,542 --> 00:36:47,982
Dicks, just-
606
00:36:48,030 --> 00:36:50,044
Jesus.
What the fuck?
607
00:36:50,092 --> 00:36:51,339
That was a big one.
608
00:36:51,387 --> 00:36:53,785
Holy fuck, I'm just
trying to get to work.
609
00:37:07,932 --> 00:37:09,274
The little one,
the nine-year-old,
610
00:37:09,322 --> 00:37:10,673
life's a little simpler.
611
00:37:10,714 --> 00:37:14,023
Tap dancing, she takes
tap dancing lessons.
612
00:37:14,070 --> 00:37:17,043
We started her with tap dancing,
because we figure
613
00:37:17,091 --> 00:37:20,257
by the time she grows up,
it'll be the 1930s again,
614
00:37:20,304 --> 00:37:22,126
and, uh, yeah.
615
00:37:23,325 --> 00:37:24,812
She'll have this thing
she can do
616
00:37:24,861 --> 00:37:27,258
that nobody enjoys watching.
617
00:37:28,745 --> 00:37:31,047
Do you know who the audience is
for tap dancing?
618
00:37:31,095 --> 00:37:34,068
The parents of
tap dancing students.
619
00:37:34,115 --> 00:37:36,178
That's all of it.
620
00:37:36,226 --> 00:37:37,665
'Cause we all have
to go to the show
621
00:37:37,713 --> 00:37:41,549
at the end of
the tap dancing semester,
622
00:37:41,597 --> 00:37:43,468
and they have a big theater show
623
00:37:43,515 --> 00:37:45,050
and all the kids get up there,
624
00:37:45,098 --> 00:37:48,215
they all tap dance
in groups of threes.
625
00:37:48,263 --> 00:37:51,525
There's about 6,000 kids.
626
00:37:51,572 --> 00:37:54,401
They do about 20 minutes each.
627
00:37:54,450 --> 00:37:57,567
So the show's about
seven months long,
628
00:37:57,614 --> 00:38:01,212
and everybody dies at the end.
629
00:38:01,259 --> 00:38:03,514
But you go because you want
to see your kid tap dance,
630
00:38:03,561 --> 00:38:05,623
'cause that's an amazing thing,
631
00:38:05,671 --> 00:38:09,268
'cause this was a baby,
she was just a baby.
632
00:38:09,315 --> 00:38:11,138
She was just like...
633
00:38:11,809 --> 00:38:14,447
That's it.
And now she's going like this.
634
00:38:17,228 --> 00:38:19,243
It's amazing.
635
00:38:19,291 --> 00:38:21,929
But you gotta watch
all those other kids
636
00:38:21,976 --> 00:38:23,942
that you don't love at all.
637
00:38:26,772 --> 00:38:29,170
And you gotta watch people,
grown-ups do it.
638
00:38:29,217 --> 00:38:30,609
There's grown-up-
639
00:38:30,657 --> 00:38:32,911
Adult students,
and they get up there.
640
00:38:32,959 --> 00:38:36,076
Get off!
Nobody's here to see you!
641
00:38:36,123 --> 00:38:37,418
Nobody!
642
00:38:37,466 --> 00:38:40,055
Your parents are dead,
you're 52!
643
00:38:43,125 --> 00:38:46,578
Nobody came from work.
Nobody came from work.
644
00:38:53,867 --> 00:38:58,280
I take her every- every
Thursday to tap dancing
645
00:38:58,327 --> 00:39:02,451
and we go up to the school and
she puts on her tap shoes
646
00:39:02,499 --> 00:39:04,225
and she goes in the little room.
647
00:39:04,274 --> 00:39:08,111
I don't go in there, and she
tap dances and I wait outside,
648
00:39:08,158 --> 00:39:11,803
because it's 40 minutes, it's
not enough time to go anywhere.
649
00:39:11,851 --> 00:39:15,879
So I just sit there and listen
to...
650
00:39:17,893 --> 00:39:20,195
And then she comes out.
"I don't- I'm tired of this.
651
00:39:20,243 --> 00:39:21,442
I don't want to go anymore. "
652
00:39:21,490 --> 00:39:23,792
Good, don't.
I don't want to bring you.
653
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:27,293
Quit. Quit.
654
00:39:27,341 --> 00:39:28,539
I don't care.
655
00:39:28,587 --> 00:39:31,177
I don't push my kids
into this shit.
656
00:39:31,225 --> 00:39:32,712
'Cause you gotta do it, too.
657
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:35,014
I don't wanna do it.
658
00:39:35,062 --> 00:39:37,123
"Daddy, I'm tired of soccer. "
659
00:39:37,172 --> 00:39:40,768
Soccer is out of our lives
forever,
660
00:39:40,817 --> 00:39:44,269
with those words
from thine mouth.
661
00:39:44,318 --> 00:39:46,284
Soccer is gone.
662
00:39:46,331 --> 00:39:48,010
I don't care-
Don't go to school,
663
00:39:48,058 --> 00:39:50,073
I don't want to get up at 7:00.
664
00:39:51,606 --> 00:39:54,628
Don't do any of this shit,
honey. I don't care.
665
00:39:54,676 --> 00:39:58,320
I have money, just eat
the food in the house.
666
00:39:59,280 --> 00:39:59,761
Stay home and eat.
667
00:40:02,541 --> 00:40:04,171
You and your sister,
don't have kids,
668
00:40:04,219 --> 00:40:06,761
I can cover all of us
and then we all die.
669
00:40:15,201 --> 00:40:15,834
That's my goal.
670
00:40:15,874 --> 00:40:19,421
I want to make enough money
that we can just lock the door
671
00:40:19,469 --> 00:40:21,339
and eat the food.
672
00:40:21,387 --> 00:40:21,676
That's it.
673
00:40:24,648 --> 00:40:26,087
"Daddy, what are we
doing today?"
674
00:40:26,135 --> 00:40:29,108
Go to the food room and pick
something out and go to bed.
675
00:40:31,507 --> 00:40:33,617
That's all
that's required of you.
676
00:40:35,534 --> 00:40:38,987
People- People overthink
this life shit.
677
00:40:39,036 --> 00:40:41,049
People get all knotted up.
678
00:40:41,097 --> 00:40:43,735
"I don't know what to do
with my life.
679
00:40:43,783 --> 00:40:47,380
"Like, I don't know, like,
what I should be, or, like...
680
00:40:47,428 --> 00:40:50,113
"I don't know, it's like...
681
00:40:50,161 --> 00:40:52,463
What should I, like, do?
682
00:40:52,511 --> 00:40:55,916
With my-
With, like, my life?"
683
00:40:58,218 --> 00:41:01,239
Just get food
and put it in the-
684
00:41:01,287 --> 00:41:03,445
Put food in here.
That's it.
685
00:41:03,493 --> 00:41:05,555
Put food in here.
686
00:41:05,603 --> 00:41:08,681
Walk around
and look for food.
687
00:41:08,721 --> 00:41:12,701
And anytime you see
any food, put it in here.
688
00:41:12,749 --> 00:41:16,441
Just take it and put it in here.
689
00:41:16,489 --> 00:41:18,360
Later, when you
feel pressure,
690
00:41:18,407 --> 00:41:22,149
shit out the shit in there.
691
00:41:23,347 --> 00:41:24,594
That's it.
692
00:41:24,641 --> 00:41:26,848
If anybody tries to stop you
from doing either of those,
693
00:41:26,896 --> 00:41:28,574
murder them.
694
00:41:33,946 --> 00:41:35,384
That's it.
695
00:41:36,822 --> 00:41:39,124
Doesn't have to be
any more complicated.
696
00:41:40,131 --> 00:41:42,290
Do it 'til you're died-
'til you're dead.
697
00:41:42,338 --> 00:41:44,592
'Til you're dead, died, dead.
698
00:41:46,893 --> 00:41:47,950
I don't know how long
I'm gonna live, I have no idea.
699
00:41:47,997 --> 00:41:51,113
You don't really ever get
to find out.
700
00:41:54,950 --> 00:41:57,923
You never get to go,
okay, I'm dead, so, 80.
701
00:41:59,938 --> 00:42:01,376
You don't ever get
to have that thought.
702
00:42:01,425 --> 00:42:03,678
"This is it. " You get to go,
"This is probably it. "
703
00:42:03,727 --> 00:42:05,740
That's your last thought.
704
00:42:05,788 --> 00:42:09,049
"This is probably it
right here. "
705
00:42:12,406 --> 00:42:15,044
Yeah, well, we're all
gonna die at some point.
706
00:42:15,092 --> 00:42:15,573
It's true, man.
707
00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:17,969
And you find out at some point-
708
00:42:18,017 --> 00:42:19,551
It's an interesting thing
about human beings,
709
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,998
that we live with the knowledge
that we're gonna die.
710
00:42:22,045 --> 00:42:25,067
I found out when I was seven
that everybody dies.
711
00:42:25,115 --> 00:42:27,345
My grandfather told me.
712
00:42:27,385 --> 00:42:29,574
He said, "Everybody dies!"
713
00:42:31,301 --> 00:42:33,459
I wasn't even talking to him.
714
00:42:38,878 --> 00:42:41,276
I was just trying
to blow out the candles.
715
00:42:54,895 --> 00:42:58,444
And I was seven years old when
I found out that everybody dies.
716
00:42:58,493 --> 00:43:01,274
And I was excited,
not 'cause everybody dies,
717
00:43:01,321 --> 00:43:01,563
but 'cause I knew it.
718
00:43:01,611 --> 00:43:04,822
I was excited 'cause I knew
I was young to know
719
00:43:04,863 --> 00:43:04,919
that everybody dies.
720
00:43:04,967 --> 00:43:08,036
I knew that most of my friends
didn't know and I thought,
721
00:43:08,083 --> 00:43:09,954
I'm gonna tell them.
722
00:43:10,002 --> 00:43:13,215
I want to be the one
that tells everybody.
723
00:43:13,263 --> 00:43:15,205
I especially
wanted to tell Benjy,
724
00:43:15,245 --> 00:43:17,147
this kid across the street
from me.
725
00:43:17,195 --> 00:43:19,018
There was this kid Benjy,
he lived- I didn't-
726
00:43:19,065 --> 00:43:20,744
He wasn't my friend.
727
00:43:20,792 --> 00:43:22,328
I was seven and he was six,
but if I ever came out
728
00:43:22,375 --> 00:43:24,820
in my front yard,
he would come out
729
00:43:24,868 --> 00:43:27,314
and I'd be like, ugh,
here he comes.
730
00:43:28,944 --> 00:43:31,007
Just hated him.
731
00:43:31,055 --> 00:43:33,357
Hated him.
First person I ever hated.
732
00:43:33,404 --> 00:43:34,844
Like, visceral hate.
He was-
733
00:43:34,892 --> 00:43:39,782
To me, he was a piece of shit
cocksucker asshole.
734
00:43:39,830 --> 00:43:41,317
That's what he was to me,
735
00:43:41,365 --> 00:43:42,949
and I didn't even know
any of those words.
736
00:43:42,997 --> 00:43:46,592
I just had that,
like, as a raw feeling
737
00:43:46,641 --> 00:43:49,517
with no way to say it.
738
00:43:49,566 --> 00:43:52,539
I was too young
for the feeling that I had,
739
00:43:52,587 --> 00:43:53,123
and then somebody-
I heard somebody say
740
00:43:53,163 --> 00:43:56,087
"piece of shit cocksucker
asshole," I was like,
741
00:43:56,136 --> 00:43:57,527
that, yes, thank you.
742
00:43:57,574 --> 00:44:00,835
That's what that-
Yes, that's how- Yes.
743
00:44:05,008 --> 00:44:06,543
Anyway, one day
I was in my front yard
744
00:44:06,590 --> 00:44:08,940
and piece of shit Benjy
comes across.
745
00:44:10,571 --> 00:44:14,646
And he says, "I got a new bike,"
or something like that.
746
00:44:15,750 --> 00:44:19,395
And I was like, uh,
"You're gonna die someday. "
747
00:44:24,335 --> 00:44:28,746
And he was like,
"What? No, I'm not. "
748
00:44:28,787 --> 00:44:30,520
I said, "Yes, you are.
749
00:44:30,569 --> 00:44:32,679
"Everybody dies.
750
00:44:32,726 --> 00:44:37,522
"You're gonna die
and your mom's gonna die
751
00:44:37,570 --> 00:44:40,064
"and your daddy's gonna die.
752
00:44:41,982 --> 00:44:42,798
In that order. "
753
00:44:47,402 --> 00:44:52,245
He was really upset
and he starts running.
754
00:44:52,292 --> 00:44:53,779
It's still funny to me,
755
00:44:53,827 --> 00:44:56,944
it still makes me laugh,
40 years later.
756
00:44:56,992 --> 00:45:01,644
I can still see it so clearly
and it still makes me laugh.
757
00:45:01,692 --> 00:45:04,090
Run, Benjy!
758
00:45:05,336 --> 00:45:06,776
You can't run
from this shit, bitch.
759
00:45:09,653 --> 00:45:12,050
It's gonna get you.
760
00:45:14,449 --> 00:45:16,654
I wonder if he's dead.
761
00:45:18,189 --> 00:45:18,574
Anyway.
762
00:45:18,621 --> 00:45:21,930
So he came back
with his mom,
763
00:45:21,979 --> 00:45:25,191
his mom is so angry,
and then I was scared.
764
00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:29,555
And his mom came over,
"What did you say to him?"
765
00:45:29,603 --> 00:45:34,062
And I said, "I just told him
that everybody dies. "
766
00:45:34,110 --> 00:45:38,330
And she goes, "Well,
that's not necessarily true. "
767
00:45:40,250 --> 00:45:43,462
I was like, "What?"
768
00:45:43,510 --> 00:45:47,059
She says, "Well, some people
die, but not everybody does. "
769
00:45:49,458 --> 00:45:51,760
And I was so full of questions.
770
00:45:51,807 --> 00:45:54,348
I was like, what about-
771
00:45:54,396 --> 00:45:58,185
What about Abraham Lincoln and
George Washington, they're dead.
772
00:45:58,232 --> 00:45:59,431
But she said, "Yeah,
773
00:45:59,479 --> 00:45:59,960
"that's 'cause something
happened to them.
774
00:46:00,008 --> 00:46:02,357
"George Washington
didn't take care of himself
775
00:46:03,555 --> 00:46:04,228
"and Lincoln got shot,
776
00:46:04,276 --> 00:46:07,681
but there's a lot of people
alive from those days. "
777
00:46:07,729 --> 00:46:10,270
And I was like, really?
778
00:46:10,319 --> 00:46:14,442
What about, like, Bible people?
779
00:46:14,490 --> 00:46:17,462
And she's like, "Yeah, I-
We have to go. "
780
00:46:17,511 --> 00:46:19,622
And then she left,
'cause I think she realized,
781
00:46:20,820 --> 00:46:21,684
this is only gonna get worse.
782
00:46:21,732 --> 00:46:25,855
She's not on a good side
of this argument.
783
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:32,118
And then I went to my mom
and I told her the whole thing,
784
00:46:32,166 --> 00:46:32,742
she's like, don't worry,
that lady's a fucking idiot,
785
00:46:33,940 --> 00:46:35,379
don't listen to her.
786
00:46:38,592 --> 00:46:42,525
My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,
you're definitely going to die. "
787
00:46:44,539 --> 00:46:45,834
Mm-hmm.
788
00:46:46,744 --> 00:46:48,328
Mm-hmm.
789
00:46:50,774 --> 00:46:54,034
People from the Bible.
790
00:46:54,418 --> 00:46:55,714
I wonder if people in the Bible
791
00:46:55,761 --> 00:46:58,694
knew they were gonna be
in the Bible.
792
00:46:58,734 --> 00:47:02,620
Like, "You guys, this is totally
gonna be in the Bible.
793
00:47:02,667 --> 00:47:04,633
"This is totally- You guys,
794
00:47:04,681 --> 00:47:08,661
"we're gonna get in the Bible,
everybody.
795
00:47:09,380 --> 00:47:14,223
I gotta get my roots done
so I look good for the Bible. "
796
00:47:21,082 --> 00:47:23,384
Yeah, my dog died recently.
797
00:47:24,582 --> 00:47:26,212
I had to tell the kids
that the dog is dead.
798
00:47:26,261 --> 00:47:29,473
That's a tough thing, telling
your kids that the dog died.
799
00:47:29,522 --> 00:47:30,914
You gotta tell 'em
at some point.
800
00:47:30,961 --> 00:47:36,332
You can't just keep going,
What? No, he's- Where'd he go?
801
00:47:36,908 --> 00:47:40,504
Oh, look, there he goes.
I don't know, he's-
802
00:47:40,553 --> 00:47:42,950
That little scamp.
There he goes, go get 'em.
803
00:47:44,148 --> 00:47:45,635
Go get 'em!
804
00:47:48,752 --> 00:47:51,533
Told my kids the dog died
and we dealt with it.
805
00:47:51,582 --> 00:47:51,631
And I was proud of them
806
00:47:51,678 --> 00:47:54,650
how they expressed
their feelings about it.
807
00:47:54,699 --> 00:47:55,131
They cried.
I was proud of them
808
00:47:55,179 --> 00:47:56,474
how they dealt
with their feelings
809
00:47:56,522 --> 00:47:59,016
and what they said about
it and how they processed it
810
00:47:59,063 --> 00:48:01,796
and I realized, this was
a positive thing.
811
00:48:01,844 --> 00:48:02,516
That's how you start thinking
as a parent,
812
00:48:03,714 --> 00:48:06,257
a lot of things you don't think
would be positive really are,
813
00:48:06,304 --> 00:48:09,853
'cause- 'cause a dog dying
is an opportunity
814
00:48:09,900 --> 00:48:11,866
to deal with death
with your kids.
815
00:48:11,915 --> 00:48:14,313
It's like a dry run for Grandma.
816
00:48:15,655 --> 00:48:17,957
It is, it is.
817
00:48:18,294 --> 00:48:22,130
Dog dies, you talk about it,
you deal with it.
818
00:48:22,178 --> 00:48:24,623
Later on, you go, so, you know
all that stuff we talked about?
819
00:48:24,672 --> 00:48:25,199
About the dog?
820
00:48:25,248 --> 00:48:27,645
Yeah, so, Grandma now.
821
00:48:31,243 --> 00:48:33,734
Mm-hmm.
822
00:48:35,174 --> 00:48:37,332
All the same stuff.
That's right.
823
00:48:38,291 --> 00:48:39,251
All right, go brush your teeth.
824
00:48:44,862 --> 00:48:47,450
I had a dog when I was a kid
825
00:48:47,499 --> 00:48:51,047
and he hated me,
and it really hurt.
826
00:48:51,095 --> 00:48:53,014
It's a true story,
my dog hated me and I-
827
00:48:53,063 --> 00:48:55,316
I wanted a dog so bad,
I was, like, ten years old,
828
00:48:55,365 --> 00:48:57,474
I used to beg my mother
for a dog
829
00:48:57,523 --> 00:49:00,495
and she just would say,
like, you had one
830
00:49:00,542 --> 00:49:02,174
when you were a baby
and it died, it's fine.
831
00:49:02,222 --> 00:49:04,524
But finally, she said,
you can have a dog
832
00:49:04,572 --> 00:49:06,730
if you keep your room clean
for a month.
833
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:10,469
And I was so excited, 'cause
I was, like, I'm getting a dog.
834
00:49:10,518 --> 00:49:11,190
I told all my friends,
I'm gonna get a dog.
835
00:49:11,238 --> 00:49:13,780
All I have to do is keep my room
clean for a month.
836
00:49:13,828 --> 00:49:17,281
I lasted about a week
and it just went to shit.
837
00:49:17,328 --> 00:49:21,164
I couldn't do it and then
I tried, like, three, four days,
838
00:49:21,212 --> 00:49:21,405
I couldn't do it.
839
00:49:21,452 --> 00:49:24,425
And I got so depressed.
840
00:49:24,473 --> 00:49:26,583
I was like, I'm ten
and I already know
841
00:49:26,631 --> 00:49:30,757
my life is gonna be shit
'cause I can't do anything.
842
00:49:31,859 --> 00:49:33,969
And finally, my mom
was like, just-
843
00:49:34,017 --> 00:49:38,236
We'll get the dog, you're
bumming everybody out.
844
00:49:39,484 --> 00:49:40,875
So she got us a dog.
845
00:49:40,923 --> 00:49:43,800
And the dog looked at me
and he hated me, on sight.
846
00:49:44,998 --> 00:49:46,773
And I worked hard
to take care of this dog.
847
00:49:46,822 --> 00:49:50,896
I was kind to him and he
still hated me, which hurt.
848
00:49:50,945 --> 00:49:51,233
That's why it hurt.
849
00:49:51,282 --> 00:49:54,974
'Cause he must've just hated,
like, who I am inside.
850
00:49:57,658 --> 00:49:59,338
He- You could tell how he felt,
'cause he was very expressive.
851
00:49:59,387 --> 00:50:02,743
He was a terrier, you know,
so he had eyebrows.
852
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:04,470
Like, I'd walk in the room
and he'd go, like,
853
00:50:04,517 --> 00:50:06,914
oh, fuck, I can't.
854
00:50:06,961 --> 00:50:07,682
And he would just leave!
855
00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:15,691
I would take him for a walk
and I had to use a leash
856
00:50:15,739 --> 00:50:17,897
and I didn't want
to use a leash.
857
00:50:17,946 --> 00:50:21,877
I wanted to be one of those
cool guys with a dog
858
00:50:21,924 --> 00:50:24,371
that just comes along,
you know one of those guys.
859
00:50:24,418 --> 00:50:27,200
He's always got, like, a suede
jacket with patches in it.
860
00:50:27,249 --> 00:50:31,323
And, like, scratchy hair,
he's like, hey.
861
00:50:31,372 --> 00:50:32,908
And he gets in his old pickup
and he's like, come on, dog.
862
00:50:32,955 --> 00:50:34,154
He goes, like-
863
00:50:34,203 --> 00:50:36,504
You know those guys that can
whistle that cool whistle?
864
00:50:36,552 --> 00:50:38,519
Whatever.
865
00:50:38,566 --> 00:50:41,587
Whew!
866
00:50:41,635 --> 00:50:44,800
And the dog jumps in the back
and they both get laid somewhere
867
00:50:45,998 --> 00:50:48,396
because they're both so cool.
868
00:50:48,444 --> 00:50:49,260
That's what I wanted.
869
00:50:54,536 --> 00:50:57,317
But my dog, we'd go for a walk
and the leash was, like, taut,
870
00:50:57,365 --> 00:51:01,153
like this, it wasn't even like,
yeah, we're friends.
871
00:51:01,201 --> 00:51:04,894
It was like, how far from
this kid can I get my face?
872
00:51:04,942 --> 00:51:07,293
He would be choking himself
the whole-
873
00:51:07,340 --> 00:51:11,463
"I hate you!
874
00:51:11,511 --> 00:51:13,813
I hate you!"
875
00:51:17,361 --> 00:51:18,898
And if I ever, like, slipped
and dropped the leash, he-
876
00:51:18,946 --> 00:51:22,158
He was like, I'm not your dog.
He would just run.
877
00:51:22,207 --> 00:51:26,569
He would run like a slave,
he would just take off.
878
00:51:31,414 --> 00:51:35,538
That's how he ran.
It's an apt description.
879
00:51:35,922 --> 00:51:37,169
That's how he ran.
880
00:51:37,217 --> 00:51:39,615
He didn't run like a deer.
This is how a deer...
881
00:51:39,663 --> 00:51:42,682
He ran like this.
882
00:51:50,721 --> 00:51:52,543
He ran away so many times
883
00:51:52,591 --> 00:51:54,030
and then we'd get a call
from the pound.
884
00:51:54,078 --> 00:51:55,812
"Hi, we have your dog. "
885
00:51:55,852 --> 00:51:57,483
And you could hear my dog
in the background,
886
00:51:57,531 --> 00:51:59,353
like, "Don't-
887
00:52:02,565 --> 00:52:03,189
"Seriously?
888
00:52:04,437 --> 00:52:06,306
I told you I don't wanna... "
889
00:52:09,807 --> 00:52:12,685
I've never been
a big animal person.
890
00:52:12,732 --> 00:52:14,508
Some animals I hate.
891
00:52:14,555 --> 00:52:19,734
Uh, bats, I think bats
are just disgusting.
892
00:52:19,781 --> 00:52:20,406
I hate bats.
893
00:52:20,453 --> 00:52:24,195
I hate- It's a rat
with leather wings.
894
00:52:24,242 --> 00:52:27,837
You ever seen one and
they, like, look around?
895
00:52:27,886 --> 00:52:28,607
It's like, somebody, you know?
896
00:52:28,654 --> 00:52:30,381
They have a face.
897
00:52:30,429 --> 00:52:32,299
It's disgusting.
898
00:52:33,497 --> 00:52:34,169
I hate bats.
899
00:52:34,218 --> 00:52:37,093
And I'm sure there's
a whole thing of-
900
00:52:37,142 --> 00:52:38,006
Oh, did you know that bats
901
00:52:38,053 --> 00:52:42,753
make all the French toast
in the world, or whatever?
902
00:52:44,096 --> 00:52:44,576
I don't care.
903
00:52:47,981 --> 00:52:50,761
I hate them.
904
00:52:55,174 --> 00:52:58,961
I had a bad bat experience.
905
00:53:01,505 --> 00:53:03,279
This summer, I was, uh-
906
00:53:03,327 --> 00:53:04,861
We rented a house this summer,
907
00:53:04,909 --> 00:53:08,074
I got a house for me
and the kids.
908
00:53:08,121 --> 00:53:10,519
My ex wife and I-
We share custody of the kids,
909
00:53:10,559 --> 00:53:10,759
and so this summer, I had half-
910
00:53:10,808 --> 00:53:12,535
One month they go with her,
one month with me,
911
00:53:12,582 --> 00:53:14,261
so I got a nice house
in the country
912
00:53:14,309 --> 00:53:15,939
and it was beautiful,
the kids loved it,
913
00:53:15,988 --> 00:53:19,440
but the kids go to sleep
at, you know, 8:00 at night.
914
00:53:19,488 --> 00:53:23,468
So I'm just laying awake,
terrified.
915
00:53:23,517 --> 00:53:25,242
Terrified.
916
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:26,777
I'm so scared in the country,
917
00:53:26,826 --> 00:53:30,278
'cause it's just quiet
and it's just mystery.
918
00:53:30,326 --> 00:53:33,204
And trees and darkness.
919
00:53:33,252 --> 00:53:36,177
I live in New York City,
I feel perfectly safe there.
920
00:53:36,225 --> 00:53:41,788
I'm surrounded by murderers
and child molesters and Jews.
921
00:53:41,835 --> 00:53:44,951
Sorry.
922
00:53:44,999 --> 00:53:45,336
I mean, there are,
there are a lot.
923
00:53:45,385 --> 00:53:47,590
There's a bunch of those,
but...
924
00:53:47,638 --> 00:53:49,317
So...
925
00:53:51,761 --> 00:53:54,159
So one night, I'm in the country
house and I'm just laying-
926
00:53:54,207 --> 00:53:56,607
just laying awake, just begging
for the fucking sun to come up
927
00:53:56,654 --> 00:54:00,683
so I can sleep through my days
with the kids.
928
00:54:03,848 --> 00:54:05,478
And I'm laying awake and I'm-
929
00:54:05,526 --> 00:54:07,492
My bedroom's
above the kitchen and I-
930
00:54:07,540 --> 00:54:08,739
Suddenly I hear this-
931
00:54:08,786 --> 00:54:10,801
I swear to God, I heard
this sound, I heard...
932
00:54:15,501 --> 00:54:17,947
I heard that,
like, clear as a bell.
933
00:54:17,994 --> 00:54:20,009
And immediately,
my heart is pounding.
934
00:54:20,057 --> 00:54:22,551
I'm like, I'm going to have
a heart attack right now,
935
00:54:22,598 --> 00:54:26,578
because there is a witch
in the kitchen.
936
00:54:26,627 --> 00:54:28,498
First of all, there are witches.
937
00:54:28,545 --> 00:54:31,710
I have no doubt, in that moment,
there's witches.
938
00:54:31,758 --> 00:54:33,917
That's how easy it was
to flip me over.
939
00:54:33,964 --> 00:54:36,744
There are witches.
940
00:54:38,759 --> 00:54:42,548
And there's one in the kitchen,
and I gotta go down there.
941
00:54:42,596 --> 00:54:45,329
I gotta- I can't just, eh,
she'll get-
942
00:54:45,370 --> 00:54:48,064
They like kids,
she'll get the kids.
943
00:54:48,926 --> 00:54:52,188
So I go downstairs,
I'm terr- Terrified.
944
00:54:52,235 --> 00:54:55,064
And I'm standing
outside the kitchen door
945
00:54:55,112 --> 00:54:56,839
like this, for like, an hour.
946
00:54:56,887 --> 00:55:01,299
Too scared to go in, until
a little bit of logic seeped in
947
00:55:01,347 --> 00:55:04,080
and told me, even if
there is a witch in there,
948
00:55:04,129 --> 00:55:05,711
she wouldn't just make a noise
949
00:55:05,759 --> 00:55:08,540
and then just stand there
for, like, an hour.
950
00:55:10,507 --> 00:55:13,584
So I go in, there's
nobody in the kitchen.
951
00:55:13,624 --> 00:55:18,036
And then I hear the noise again,
and it was the dishwasher.
952
00:55:19,234 --> 00:55:21,824
The dishwasher
has weird tubes
953
00:55:21,872 --> 00:55:24,798
and when the soap goes
through 'em, it's kind of vocal,
954
00:55:24,846 --> 00:55:26,717
I don't know why, but it goes...
955
00:55:28,778 --> 00:55:33,142
It was the weirdest thing,
to watch my dishwasher do it.
956
00:55:33,190 --> 00:55:35,924
I was like, all right,
it's cool.
957
00:55:35,971 --> 00:55:38,273
I'm fine, there's no witches.
958
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:41,534
I'm about to go upstairs,
and a-
959
00:55:41,582 --> 00:55:45,850
And a bat,
a fucking asshole bat
960
00:55:45,899 --> 00:55:48,064
picked that moment-
He's like, ha ha!
961
00:55:48,104 --> 00:55:51,797
And he just flew right-
right by my head, like this,
962
00:55:51,845 --> 00:55:53,379
and I just- I went, "Aaah!"
963
00:55:53,428 --> 00:55:56,449
And I just fell on the floor.
964
00:55:56,496 --> 00:55:58,319
"Aaah!"
965
00:55:59,998 --> 00:56:03,163
And I immediately,
I crawl into the closet,
966
00:56:03,211 --> 00:56:06,903
I closed the door and
I called 911 right away.
967
00:56:11,026 --> 00:56:11,699
I don't know if you've
ever called 911
968
00:56:11,747 --> 00:56:13,186
and you don't realize
until they answer
969
00:56:13,234 --> 00:56:15,727
how you shouldn't be
calling 911?
970
00:56:17,502 --> 00:56:19,660
"911, tell us your emergency. "
971
00:56:19,707 --> 00:56:24,119
"I- I'm sorry, I'm very sorry
to be bothering you.
972
00:56:24,167 --> 00:56:26,182
This doesn't qualify. "
973
00:56:28,052 --> 00:56:29,538
The lady's like,
"Sir, what's the problem?"
974
00:56:29,587 --> 00:56:34,045
I said, "There's a bat
in my house.
975
00:56:34,086 --> 00:56:35,006
And I don't like it. "
976
00:56:39,226 --> 00:56:42,247
But she was nice to me,
'cause it's country 911.
977
00:56:43,398 --> 00:56:45,172
If you call 911
in New York City,
978
00:56:45,220 --> 00:56:46,420
"there's a bat in my house!"
979
00:56:46,467 --> 00:56:48,194
They'll be like, "Sir,
we'll send a car right over
980
00:56:48,242 --> 00:56:49,968
to shoot you in the face. "
981
00:56:53,469 --> 00:56:56,730
But she was nice, she's like,
"Sir, we understand,
982
00:56:56,778 --> 00:56:59,416
"you're divorced,
you're overcompensating
983
00:56:59,463 --> 00:57:01,190
"with the country house.
984
00:57:01,238 --> 00:57:03,204
You're in over your head. "
985
00:57:05,698 --> 00:57:07,568
She said, call this guy,
she gave me a number,
986
00:57:07,616 --> 00:57:11,453
she said, call this guy, he's
a guy who takes care of bats.
987
00:57:11,500 --> 00:57:15,721
He's a man who's, uh-
bats are his focus.
988
00:57:15,768 --> 00:57:20,036
I felt like she was doing a lot
of work to not say "bat man. "
989
00:57:20,085 --> 00:57:23,825
Like she was kind of
going around...
990
00:57:23,873 --> 00:57:27,757
"He's a male human
who bats are his...
991
00:57:27,806 --> 00:57:30,348
I'm not gonna say bat-
I don't wanna say it. "
992
00:57:33,176 --> 00:57:35,383
So I called the bat man...
993
00:57:37,636 --> 00:57:38,836
...and he comes over
994
00:57:38,884 --> 00:57:41,617
and I'm in the closet looking
through the crack, at-
995
00:57:41,665 --> 00:57:43,631
The bat is on the ceiling,
hanging upside down,
996
00:57:43,680 --> 00:57:45,406
he's just looking around.
997
00:57:48,235 --> 00:57:51,209
The most disgusting thing.
998
00:57:51,256 --> 00:57:54,038
And so finally, there's
a knock at my door and I go,
999
00:57:54,085 --> 00:57:59,217
I crawl to the door and
I open it and he's like, hello.
1000
00:57:59,265 --> 00:58:01,855
And he says, "Where's the bat?"
1001
00:58:01,903 --> 00:58:04,444
And I'm like, "Ehhh... "
1002
00:58:06,890 --> 00:58:10,199
So the guy walks over
1003
00:58:10,247 --> 00:58:13,316
and he just takes the bat.
1004
00:58:17,345 --> 00:58:18,543
That's it.
1005
00:58:19,742 --> 00:58:21,564
He just took it.
1006
00:58:23,771 --> 00:58:25,305
He's like, all right?
1007
00:58:27,127 --> 00:58:29,142
Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.
1008
00:58:30,677 --> 00:58:32,403
That's amazing.
1009
00:58:33,841 --> 00:58:35,376
It's like I called somebody
and said, "Help,
1010
00:58:35,424 --> 00:58:38,445
there's a box of tissues
on my table!"
1011
00:58:44,584 --> 00:58:46,693
Oh, thank goodness.
1012
00:58:48,420 --> 00:58:51,250
What a relief, to have
a man in the house.
1013
00:58:57,032 --> 00:58:58,281
Would you like some sweet tea?
1014
00:59:01,157 --> 00:59:04,466
I wasn't expecting company.
1015
00:59:04,514 --> 00:59:08,062
Ooh, my robe fell open.
1016
00:59:08,111 --> 00:59:10,461
He saw my breasts.
1017
00:59:11,707 --> 00:59:12,092
Ooh.
1018
00:59:12,140 --> 00:59:14,394
What do we do now?
1019
00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:17,847
Mr. bat man?
1020
00:59:23,984 --> 00:59:28,108
You know, I'm kind of grateful
to that bat now,
1021
00:59:28,156 --> 00:59:30,697
now that you're going
to fuck me.
1022
00:59:37,508 --> 00:59:39,235
You're not?
1023
00:59:41,919 --> 00:59:44,413
Well, all right,
you can go, then.
1024
00:59:45,277 --> 00:59:47,195
I can't-
I can't get out of it.
1025
00:59:48,538 --> 00:59:49,737
I'm sorry.
1026
00:59:54,005 --> 00:59:57,169
I just like to keep doing that
'til the laughter stops.
1027
00:59:58,753 --> 01:00:01,054
Fuck, he's really-
1028
01:00:01,103 --> 01:00:03,213
This is getting upsetting.
1029
01:00:03,260 --> 01:00:06,522
What if I just did that
for, like, 40 minutes?
1030
01:00:06,569 --> 01:00:08,296
Well, if you weren't
gonna help me,
1031
01:00:08,343 --> 01:00:10,165
then why did you come over?
1032
01:00:13,379 --> 01:00:17,216
I'm alone here all day and I
hardly can handle it anymore.
1033
01:00:19,709 --> 01:00:21,964
All right, all right.
1034
01:00:22,011 --> 01:00:23,210
So...
No, no.
1035
01:00:23,258 --> 01:00:24,984
No, don't do that.
1036
01:00:25,032 --> 01:00:26,519
Don't do that.
1037
01:00:29,110 --> 01:00:30,404
I was, um...
1038
01:00:31,602 --> 01:00:33,810
I was in New York one time,
I was on the subway platform
1039
01:00:33,857 --> 01:00:39,995
and I saw two rats, uh,
and they were fucking.
1040
01:00:40,043 --> 01:00:44,455
And I never saw that before.
I'm like, oh, shit.
1041
01:00:44,503 --> 01:00:47,093
There's two rats
fucking right there.
1042
01:00:47,141 --> 01:00:53,086
And so I watched 'em, um,
'cause you can watch rats fuck.
1043
01:00:53,135 --> 01:00:54,527
It's not a big deal.
1044
01:00:54,574 --> 01:00:57,595
You don't have to go, like...
1045
01:01:06,226 --> 01:01:08,625
You can really just
totally just watch 'em.
1046
01:01:10,544 --> 01:01:14,188
Hmm, I see.
1047
01:01:15,339 --> 01:01:18,024
Anyway, I'm watching 'em,
I'm just curious.
1048
01:01:18,072 --> 01:01:21,669
I mean, it wasn't...
surprising how they do it.
1049
01:01:21,716 --> 01:01:24,738
It's not like she's on top
going, mmm.
1050
01:01:26,417 --> 01:01:26,657
Mmm.
1051
01:01:31,596 --> 01:01:33,707
Mmm, mmm, mm.
1052
01:01:34,905 --> 01:01:36,440
Thank you.
1053
01:01:36,487 --> 01:01:39,844
I love it, I love it.
1054
01:01:39,893 --> 01:01:41,426
Ooh!
1055
01:01:41,475 --> 01:01:43,825
I think this is a Japanese rat
I'm doing, I don't know.
1056
01:01:43,865 --> 01:01:48,812
"Ooh, it's so good to fuck you!
1057
01:01:48,860 --> 01:01:52,889
Ohh! Come on, Ricky,
do me!"
1058
01:01:52,936 --> 01:01:54,855
I don't know, all right.
1059
01:01:55,814 --> 01:01:59,746
Anyway, it wasn't
anything like that.
1060
01:02:01,664 --> 01:02:03,774
It was a pretty standard
rat fuck.
1061
01:02:05,021 --> 01:02:08,282
Just, he's on top,
1062
01:02:08,331 --> 01:02:11,064
kinda smushing her
into the pavement
1063
01:02:11,112 --> 01:02:11,593
and she's like...
1064
01:02:16,626 --> 01:02:20,223
And I'm watching 'em, just-
1065
01:02:20,271 --> 01:02:20,800
I mean, I didn't, like,
miss my train.
1066
01:02:20,848 --> 01:02:23,197
Just, while I was there.
1067
01:02:24,396 --> 01:02:25,404
'Cause I was-
1068
01:02:25,452 --> 01:02:27,658
I was curious.
1069
01:02:27,706 --> 01:02:31,397
It didn't turn me on,
I was just curious.
1070
01:02:31,445 --> 01:02:33,747
'Cause I want to know, what is
it gonna be like when he comes.
1071
01:02:33,795 --> 01:02:35,377
That's what I wanted to know.
1072
01:02:35,426 --> 01:02:37,871
What is it like
when a rat comes?
1073
01:02:37,911 --> 01:02:37,968
Is it, like, uh-
1074
01:02:38,016 --> 01:02:42,091
Is it just a biological thing,
just a dispassionate,
1075
01:02:42,139 --> 01:02:43,867
kinda just, meh! And then
he just goes home?
1076
01:02:43,915 --> 01:02:47,415
Or is it like,
"Yeah, fucking yeah!"
1077
01:02:47,463 --> 01:02:50,867
Is it like, "Aww... "
1078
01:02:50,916 --> 01:02:52,546
Is it, you know?
1079
01:02:52,883 --> 01:02:57,102
Is it ecstasy?
Is it an orgasm?
1080
01:02:58,638 --> 01:03:02,472
I told that story
to a friend of mine.
1081
01:03:02,521 --> 01:03:05,063
She was like, "Well,
what about the girl rat?
1082
01:03:05,687 --> 01:03:09,188
"What about her orgasm?
1083
01:03:09,236 --> 01:03:16,429
Why didn't you empower her
and wonder how she comes?"
1084
01:03:16,476 --> 01:03:18,921
What, are you crazy?
1085
01:03:18,970 --> 01:03:21,032
Girl rats don't come.
1086
01:03:21,080 --> 01:03:23,959
There's no way the girl gets
to come when rats fuck.
1087
01:03:24,006 --> 01:03:27,123
First of all, he's not
gonna hold out for her.
1088
01:03:27,170 --> 01:03:28,802
He's not that kinda dude,
you can tell.
1089
01:03:30,000 --> 01:03:31,199
He didn't give a shit.
1090
01:03:31,246 --> 01:03:33,740
He's gonna fuck her and leave,
he doesn't even know her name.
1091
01:03:33,788 --> 01:03:36,139
He's not sitting there
waiting for her and trying
1092
01:03:36,186 --> 01:03:37,962
to think of things to not come,
1093
01:03:38,009 --> 01:03:43,283
like giant garbage bags with
no food in them or whatever.
1094
01:03:48,415 --> 01:03:51,388
And even if he did,
she's on a subway platform
1095
01:03:51,437 --> 01:03:52,596
in front of people.
1096
01:03:52,636 --> 01:03:56,329
She's not gonna be able
to get to that place,
1097
01:03:56,377 --> 01:04:04,097
that inside place,
that girl rats need
1098
01:04:04,137 --> 01:04:07,214
to find their orgasm.
1099
01:04:10,714 --> 01:04:12,969
'Cause I know
what girl rats need.
1100
01:04:13,450 --> 01:04:15,847
I know how to make
a girl rat come.
1101
01:04:18,053 --> 01:04:21,602
I do, you just pick 'em up and
hold 'em upside down and just...
1102
01:04:50,424 --> 01:04:53,348
Just to be clear,
what I was doing there...
1103
01:04:54,259 --> 01:04:56,465
I just want to make sure
you know.
1104
01:04:56,513 --> 01:04:58,815
I spit in her mouth
1105
01:04:58,863 --> 01:05:01,309
while I played
with her little asshole.
1106
01:05:03,419 --> 01:05:05,050
Don't judge her,
that's what she likes.
1107
01:05:05,099 --> 01:05:07,401
I did it for her.
1108
01:05:14,880 --> 01:05:16,847
I was watching "The Wizard
of Oz" with my daughters and-
1109
01:05:20,635 --> 01:05:21,259
I know that's-
I know that's, uh-
1110
01:05:24,231 --> 01:05:27,828
That's a weird couple of stories
to put together.
1111
01:05:27,876 --> 01:05:32,193
Fingering a rat's asshole
to orgasm
1112
01:05:32,241 --> 01:05:36,077
and watching "The Wizard of Oz"
with my daughters,
1113
01:05:36,117 --> 01:05:38,043
but they happened
to have happened
1114
01:05:38,091 --> 01:05:38,620
one right after the other.
1115
01:05:43,463 --> 01:05:48,498
Most things that I do, I do
right after I made a rat come.
1116
01:05:49,986 --> 01:05:53,005
That's what I do at night.
It's my-
1117
01:05:53,053 --> 01:05:54,541
It's the only way I try to help.
1118
01:05:55,788 --> 01:05:56,987
All right.
1119
01:05:58,282 --> 01:06:00,870
So I was...
1120
01:06:02,742 --> 01:06:07,967
Let me just tell you this first.
I was, uh, I was at a place to-
1121
01:06:08,016 --> 01:06:09,455
eating dinner in New York and
I heard these two women talking
1122
01:06:09,504 --> 01:06:12,668
and one of 'em is talking about
the guy she's dating.
1123
01:06:12,708 --> 01:06:15,832
They were about 21 years old,
like, NYU students,
1124
01:06:15,880 --> 01:06:16,697
and so she's talking about it
and, you know, a lot of times
1125
01:06:16,745 --> 01:06:20,725
I'll hear this, a woman talking
about the guy she's dating
1126
01:06:20,772 --> 01:06:23,937
and she runs down
the stuff that's not satisfying,
1127
01:06:23,985 --> 01:06:25,328
the things she doesn't like.
1128
01:06:25,375 --> 01:06:27,246
She's like, "He's just,
you know, I text him
1129
01:06:27,294 --> 01:06:28,981
"and he, like, he doesn't,
like, respond right away
1130
01:06:29,021 --> 01:06:33,817
"and then, when he does, it's
like, whatever, so that's weird.
1131
01:06:33,866 --> 01:06:37,318
"And then, like, I saw him
and he's just being weird.
1132
01:06:37,366 --> 01:06:42,688
"And so then he, like, calls me,
he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.
1133
01:06:42,736 --> 01:06:44,271
"It's, like, weird, right now.
And I was like, whatever.
1134
01:06:44,320 --> 01:06:48,541
And then we had sex.
And it's just weird. "
1135
01:06:48,588 --> 01:06:51,608
And then I'm listening
'cause I wanted to know,
1136
01:06:51,656 --> 01:06:52,855
what is her friend gonna say?
1137
01:06:52,903 --> 01:06:53,671
I want to know what kind of
friend she has, you know.
1138
01:06:54,869 --> 01:06:57,028
And her friend just says,
"He's a piece of shit.
1139
01:06:57,077 --> 01:07:00,672
"He's a piece of shit.
1140
01:07:00,719 --> 01:07:05,659
"He's not good enough for you,
'cause you're amazing.
1141
01:07:05,707 --> 01:07:07,147
"You're amazing.
1142
01:07:07,195 --> 01:07:13,620
So he just can't handle
how amazing you are. "
1143
01:07:13,668 --> 01:07:17,217
And I remember thinking,
that is a shitty friend.
1144
01:07:17,265 --> 01:07:18,425
That's not a good friend.
1145
01:07:18,465 --> 01:07:20,958
That is not a good way
to approach life.
1146
01:07:21,006 --> 01:07:23,029
"I'm amazing!
1147
01:07:23,069 --> 01:07:27,191
"And anybody who doesn't
text me back is just-
1148
01:07:27,239 --> 01:07:29,303
can't handle
how amazing I am. "
1149
01:07:29,350 --> 01:07:32,188
I mean, she's a student.
She can't be-
1150
01:07:32,228 --> 01:07:37,695
She's not Nelson Mandela,
she's in college.
1151
01:07:37,742 --> 01:07:39,852
She- I'm sure she's fine,
1152
01:07:39,900 --> 01:07:44,455
but you're amazing,
the way you... take classes.
1153
01:07:44,504 --> 01:07:47,908
What is-
What is so amazing?
1154
01:07:47,956 --> 01:07:51,314
She's kinda boring, he's kind of
a douche, so it's fine.
1155
01:07:51,361 --> 01:07:53,952
They're fine.
1156
01:07:53,999 --> 01:07:55,965
You need to know that
you're boring a little bit.
1157
01:07:56,013 --> 01:07:57,212
It's important.
1158
01:07:57,261 --> 01:07:58,602
Self love is a good thing,
1159
01:07:58,651 --> 01:08:01,241
but self awareness
is more important.
1160
01:08:01,290 --> 01:08:05,221
You need to, once in a while go,
oh, I'm kind of an asshole.
1161
01:08:05,269 --> 01:08:06,181
You have to have
that thought once in a while,
1162
01:08:07,379 --> 01:08:09,825
or you're a psychopath.
1163
01:08:09,873 --> 01:08:10,593
You know like when you say
to a friend of yours,
1164
01:08:10,641 --> 01:08:13,039
"You're being an asshole"
and they're like, "No, I'm not. "
1165
01:08:13,087 --> 01:08:16,252
Well, it's not up to you
1166
01:08:16,300 --> 01:08:19,129
if you're an asshole or not.
1167
01:08:19,176 --> 01:08:21,478
That's up to everybody else.
1168
01:08:22,533 --> 01:08:23,973
You don't get to say no to that.
1169
01:08:25,508 --> 01:08:28,480
"You're an asshole. "
"No, I'm not. "
1170
01:08:28,527 --> 01:08:31,933
"Oh, sorry, I thought-
Okay, I'm glad I checked.
1171
01:08:31,980 --> 01:08:33,708
I guess you're not. "
1172
01:08:33,757 --> 01:08:35,674
If somebody tells you
you're an asshole,
1173
01:08:35,723 --> 01:08:37,928
you should go, "Oh, shit. "
1174
01:08:37,976 --> 01:08:41,334
All right, what happened,
how did I get here?
1175
01:08:42,388 --> 01:08:43,587
It's like somebody saying,
you know,
1176
01:08:43,636 --> 01:08:46,033
"You got something
on your face. " "No, I don't. "
1177
01:08:49,197 --> 01:08:49,342
It's like America-
1178
01:08:49,390 --> 01:08:54,329
I feel like America is, like,
the world's worst girlfriend.
1179
01:08:54,377 --> 01:08:58,116
America is like
a terrible girlfriend
1180
01:08:58,164 --> 01:08:59,507
to the rest of the world,
1181
01:08:59,556 --> 01:08:59,940
'cause when somebody
hurts America,
1182
01:08:59,988 --> 01:09:04,111
she remembers it forever,
1183
01:09:04,160 --> 01:09:08,428
but if she does anything bad,
it's like it- "What?"
1184
01:09:08,475 --> 01:09:10,251
"It did-
I didn't do anything. "
1185
01:09:10,298 --> 01:09:13,415
America, why do you keep
bombing those people in Yemen
1186
01:09:13,464 --> 01:09:17,493
and all these-
"Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay?
1187
01:09:17,540 --> 01:09:24,636
9/11, so shut up, assholes. "
1188
01:09:24,685 --> 01:09:26,938
Okay, but you killed
hundreds of thousands of people,
1189
01:09:26,987 --> 01:09:27,803
so I think you can-
"Yeah, no, but 9/11.
1190
01:09:27,851 --> 01:09:30,535
"Fuck you.
1191
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:32,645
You don't even understand. "
1192
01:09:33,988 --> 01:09:34,421
Yeah, but you're
torturing people.
1193
01:09:34,468 --> 01:09:39,455
"I- It wasn't even
torture, oh, my God.
1194
01:09:40,893 --> 01:09:42,908
"He's such a baby.
1195
01:09:42,956 --> 01:09:46,456
I didn't even do anything
to him. "
1196
01:09:49,891 --> 01:09:51,138
And...
1197
01:09:51,185 --> 01:09:53,392
And I'm saying this about women
'cause I'm a guy.
1198
01:09:53,440 --> 01:09:55,981
Women might say this about-
that this is what guys are like.
1199
01:09:57,179 --> 01:09:58,618
That's just what it's like,
you know,
1200
01:09:58,666 --> 01:10:01,064
because I think racism
and sexism are very different.
1201
01:10:01,113 --> 01:10:03,558
To me, racism is just a mistake.
1202
01:10:03,607 --> 01:10:05,045
It's like, just an error.
1203
01:10:05,093 --> 01:10:06,964
It doesn't really make
any sense,
1204
01:10:07,011 --> 01:10:12,190
we can just do away with it,
but sexism isn't going anywhere,
1205
01:10:12,237 --> 01:10:17,610
'cause sexism is way deep
the fuck down inside,
1206
01:10:17,657 --> 01:10:19,912
so it's just the way
we feel about each other.
1207
01:10:19,959 --> 01:10:22,309
It's, "Ahh, women!
1208
01:10:22,358 --> 01:10:26,240
"Women! Women!
1209
01:10:26,289 --> 01:10:28,208
"Women!
1210
01:10:29,406 --> 01:10:31,325
Women! Women!"
1211
01:10:35,256 --> 01:10:36,217
And you're like, "Men!
1212
01:10:36,264 --> 01:10:39,286
"Men, men! Men!
1213
01:10:39,334 --> 01:10:42,162
"Men!
1214
01:10:42,210 --> 01:10:45,041
"Men! Men!
1215
01:10:45,089 --> 01:10:47,055
Men!"
1216
01:10:54,153 --> 01:10:56,742
Anyway, so I'm watching "The
Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.
1217
01:10:56,789 --> 01:10:58,996
Is that enough of
a palate cleanser?
1218
01:10:59,044 --> 01:11:00,434
All right.
1219
01:11:03,169 --> 01:11:06,142
I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"
I don't know if you've seen it,
1220
01:11:06,189 --> 01:11:09,595
it's about a little girl
named Dorothy,
1221
01:11:09,642 --> 01:11:15,350
a very sweet little girl played
by an alcoholic older lady,
1222
01:11:15,397 --> 01:11:18,033
who, uh...
1223
01:11:18,562 --> 01:11:21,967
Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,
she's very upset.
1224
01:11:22,015 --> 01:11:25,324
And she keeps telling-
"My dog!"
1225
01:11:25,372 --> 01:11:29,113
And everybody's like,
This is a farm. We're working.
1226
01:11:29,161 --> 01:11:30,655
Leave us alone.
1227
01:11:30,695 --> 01:11:33,476
And then there's a tornado
and they all run inside
1228
01:11:33,524 --> 01:11:37,407
and they barely look for her.
It's unbelievable.
1229
01:11:37,456 --> 01:11:40,765
It was so upsetting to me when
I was a kid to see this movie,
1230
01:11:40,813 --> 01:11:42,540
'cause Auntie Em is like,
"Dorothy! Okay, fuck it. "
1231
01:11:42,588 --> 01:11:45,512
And she just goes right inside.
1232
01:11:45,561 --> 01:11:47,384
Bolts the door.
Unbelievable.
1233
01:11:50,645 --> 01:11:52,523
So Dorothy goes up to Oz.
1234
01:11:52,563 --> 01:11:54,242
So here's the thing, I was
watching it the other night,
1235
01:11:54,290 --> 01:11:57,743
and there's this one moment
that really stunned me.
1236
01:11:57,790 --> 01:12:00,860
It's when Ray Bolger,
who played the Scarecrow,
1237
01:12:00,908 --> 01:12:03,497
he just got ripped apart
by flying monkeys
1238
01:12:03,545 --> 01:12:06,566
and he's very upset
and he has this performance
1239
01:12:06,615 --> 01:12:09,299
that's way over the top,
even for this movie.
1240
01:12:09,348 --> 01:12:11,601
Do you remember that moment?
The Tin Man comes over.
1241
01:12:11,650 --> 01:12:13,664
"What happened?"
And he's like,
1242
01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:15,678
"Well, first
they tore my arms off
1243
01:12:15,726 --> 01:12:18,268
"and they threw them
over there!
1244
01:12:19,754 --> 01:12:24,933
And then they tore my legs off
and they threw them over there!"
1245
01:12:28,195 --> 01:12:31,024
And I've seen this movie
a thousand times,
1246
01:12:31,072 --> 01:12:33,757
but for some reason this time,
1247
01:12:33,804 --> 01:12:37,210
that moment made me go,
"Oh, shit!"
1248
01:12:37,257 --> 01:12:38,265
Ooh!
1249
01:12:39,463 --> 01:12:40,088
That was a lot.
1250
01:12:42,964 --> 01:12:43,924
And I started to wonder
if Victor Fleming,
1251
01:12:43,973 --> 01:12:45,986
the guy who directed
"The Wizard of Oz,"
1252
01:12:46,034 --> 01:12:49,870
if he had a moment during
the filming of the movie
1253
01:12:49,917 --> 01:12:53,563
where he was, like, I think
I gotta have a word with Ray,
1254
01:12:53,612 --> 01:12:57,974
'cause that's getting
to be a lot.
1255
01:13:00,324 --> 01:13:00,382
All right, let him-
1256
01:13:00,422 --> 01:13:02,099
Just let him do another one.
1257
01:13:02,148 --> 01:13:03,875
Okay, action!
1258
01:13:03,922 --> 01:13:05,505
"What happened?"
1259
01:13:05,552 --> 01:13:07,951
"Well, first they tore
my arms off
1260
01:13:07,998 --> 01:13:11,451
"and they threw them over there!
1261
01:13:11,499 --> 01:13:14,377
"And then they tore my legs off.
1262
01:13:14,424 --> 01:13:17,254
They threw them over there!"
1263
01:13:19,890 --> 01:13:20,707
Okay, cut!
1264
01:13:25,550 --> 01:13:25,838
Comes over.
1265
01:13:27,517 --> 01:13:29,435
Uh...
1266
01:13:29,483 --> 01:13:32,455
So listen.
1267
01:13:32,502 --> 01:13:33,272
Ray...
1268
01:13:33,319 --> 01:13:34,902
Yes?
1269
01:13:40,944 --> 01:13:42,575
Eh, you're fine.
1270
01:13:47,369 --> 01:13:48,329
You guys have been great,
thanks a lot for coming.
1271
01:13:48,378 --> 01:13:50,056
I hope you enjoyed it.
1272
01:13:50,104 --> 01:13:52,789
Thank you very much!
1273
01:13:53,653 --> 01:13:57,345
Thank you! 01:13:53
96126
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