All language subtitles for Wheres.the.Money.2017.WEB-DL.x264-FGT

Fixed & Synced by bozxphd. Enjoy The Flick.

Listen, la, la,
big city of dreams, baby.

You got Hollywood, Bel Air,

Silicon Beach,
and Beverly hills, right?

Four of the wealthiest
neighborhoods in the country.

And then...

There's South Central.

Now be honest, all right,

when you hear the words
"South Central,"

what do you think,
gangs, drugs, guns?

Well, then, what the hell

are all these rich white people
doing here, hmm?!

You see, six blocks from one
of the most expensive colleges

in the country sits one
of the poorest neighborhoods

in the country.

And that's
where your boy grew up.

We got a family business.

More emphasis
on "family" than "business."

'Cause we always broke.

20 years ago, my dad and uncle

started this gym
to keep kids out of gangs

and off the streets,

give them
some positive role models.

Then they got locked up
for bank robbery.

I believe they call that irony.

That left me and my moms
to run this place on our own.

She done a whole lot of good
for this community,

but doing good don't really
pay the bills,

you know what I'm saying,

and the bank's about
to shut us down.

Over the years we kept
the doors open

with endless side hustles,

and that's where my boy
juice comes in.

We've been best boys
since I was a little jit.

Now juice?
He the plug.

You need anything,
he can get it.

Just don't ask him how.

Why you laughing?
Why you laughing?

But luckily my girlfriend Alicia

has always been there
to get us back on track.

I mean, she don't know
she's my girlfriend yet.

She got a serious crush on me.
Like, serious crush.

She say she waiting
for a real man,

but if that's not me,

then why she been flirting
so hard?

Look at her!
Look how she looking at me!

Zoom in.
Come on, you see that, right?

So that's life in the hood.

I mean, we don't have much,

but if I can keep
those gym doors open,

I can keep my little family
together, and really,

that's what it's all about.

Nah! I'm just fucking with you.

It's about
them dead presidents, y'all!

Get it!

I'm gonna kick your ass so hard,

you're gonna be able
to give yourself a rim job.

You really wanna
go out like that?

South central, baby.
Yeah, think about it.

It's no game.
You in it right now.

- Let's go.
- I'm crazy.

I'm crazy! I'm crazy!

You will die today!

Now I apologize
for the language, y'all,

but this is the kind
of tough talk

you're gonna hear out
in these streets.

Now of course I could teach
y'all how to fight.

Give 'em a little one,
two, three, four.

But what's that gonna solve?

What I'm uniquely qualified
to teach y'all

is that sometimes your best
weapons are your words.

We're gonna put these down
and pick this up.

Words?
This is the MMA class.

So stop being a little bitch
and let's fight.

Oh, okay, look at this guy.
Little hyped up.

Tone it down a notch.

You afraid to swing?
That's great. I see what you're doing.

Nothing he says can provoke me

because I am de-escalating
the situation.

I never thought I'd get
this close to a vagina

- until I was at least ten.
- -What's a vagina?

Look, I'm gonna tell you
one time and one time only.

You gonna sit your little ass
in that corner,

and I'm gonna count to three.

- One.
- - Three!

Whoo! Punched my dick!
Okay, listen!

Oh!
What you...

- time out, okay?!

What's up?!
This is my class!

I command y'all to sit down!
Sit down and listen to me!

- What about with my deep voice?!
- Hey!

Oh, that was an accident. Y'all
saw it was an accident, right?

You, you, you.
You look like you know CPR.

Come on, white girl,
go ahead, do some magic.

Go, go, go, check his pulse.

What the heck
is going on here, Del?

Listen, y'all don't ruin
this for me.

Just stay tight.
Hey, Alicia.

We're just wrapping up
our session on de-escalation.

He gonna be okay.

And that is how not
to get into a fight.

Oh, man! Whoo!

Watch out for the kid
with the curly hair.

- He is mean.
- It's not a joke, Del.

I ask you to watch my class
for ten minutes.

He started it. Hey!

That's the dumbest shit I've
heard from anyone all day,

- and that includes juice.
- As promised, I got you a pair

of refurbished Jordans, okay,
and according to the shoefax,

I only got two people
wearing these shoes prior.

You realize you're
the adult here, right?

When you gonna start
acting like one?

Del, quit trying to get
my staff pregnant

and fix the damn air
conditioner!

Ain't nobody trying
to get her pregnant, ma.

- Mind your business.
- Just 'cause you fuckin' it up

don't mean you ain't tryin'.

Del, look at that thing.

It's gonna fall
and kill somebody.

You were gonna call
the repairman.

- That's your fault, mama.
- Oh, a rep...

You know what?
I'm trippin'.

Let me dip into
this discretionary fund

so I can pay for that shit.

You cannot give your own son
the middle finger.

Why not? I've already
tried the first two.

One, Del,
get yourself out of bed

and go to school
before you flunk out.

Two, I'm not
gonna tell you again,

stop smoking weed
and playing video games.

No results,
so I'm gonna try three

and see what happens.

When the phone
get turned back on?

Dre's gym.
This is Del speaking.

You have
a call from Fulsom prison.

This call is timed
and monitored.

Yo, yo, yo, Del!
It's your pops.

What you calling here for, dad?

Did you not just say
"this is Dre's gym"?

Who the fuck you think Dre is?
It's me, nigga! It's me!

I can call
whenever the fuck I please!

Now, look, I know you
struggling and everything,

but, listen,
I might have a way to help you.

We've been getting along
just fine my whole life

- without your help.
- Look, I know, son...

You have one more minute.

Fucking jail robot.
I ain't got time to be polite.

I know you are mad at me,
but listen,

I care about you,
and I care about your mama,

and I highly suggest if you
wanna keep that place open,

you get your skinny ass
down here and see me

before it's motherfuckin'
too late.

My boy!

You done came to see
your old man, huh?

Look, dad,
this is business, all right?

Let's not pretend
it's anything else.

You said you could help me.
I'm here to find out how.

You know what?
You smart. Just like me.

I'm nothing like you.

Okay, now look, look, look.

Now, I know I
wasn't in your life.

All right? But I wanna
make it up to you.

Okay? I wanna
make it up to you.

- Ba-dow.
- That's a pretty small box

to contain
my entire childhood, dad.

It's a gift
from my motherfuckin' heart.

What is this?

That's a Mr. potato head.

- A what?
- Look at that.

I knew you was gonna love that.
Look at that.

You got the little eyes
right here,

then you got the little nose.

Got a little comb
for the mustache.

This is some smart shit.

This is gonna teach you
some shit.

And he also got that,
just in case I got to lay

a couple motherfuckers down
up in here.

Look, dad, I'm an adult now.

Oh, so you too old to learn?

So I guess you too old to learn

how to solve your little
bank problem, huh?

Look, what I meant to say
was this is great.

- This is amazing.
- Yeah, it is.

I'm gonna put it
right back in this box.

You know what?
Come here.

Come on. Come on.
Sit on daddy's lap.

- You said what?
- On my lap, nigga.

- Sit down on my lap?
- On your lap?

Yeah, get your ass
over here. Sit down.

Right here.
Sit right here.

I ain't gonna bite you, boy.
I'm your daddy.

- Okay.
- But the tickle monster might.

See, this is what
I'm talking about.

You remember that. I used to
tickle you when you was little.

Don't act like ain't
nobody tickled you.

When I was a kid!
I'm an adult now!

All right, I got a little out
of hand with the tickling.

But I'm trying to make up for 17
years that I missed in your life.

Now, listen, you know me
and your uncle Leon...

Come on...
Me and your uncle Leon,

we in here for bank robbery.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

What you might not know

is that the police
didn't find the money.

I was planning on giving
that money to you and your mama

when I got out,
but your crazy-ass uncle Leon

done fucked around and got out
a couple nights ago,

so you gotta get out
and get that cash.

Wait.
How much money?

A million dollars.

And it's in this flop house
in the basement.

The money's in the wall.

Ooh-whee! Ooh!

No.

You just walked in here
and act like you didn't know

that I was your daddy,
now you gonna come with that,

"ooh-whee!" Fake shit!

Y-you...

And all that shit!

I'm sorry, I apologize.

Now the only way
you gonna get that money

is you gonna do
what I tell you to do.

- And you know that that is?
- What's that?

Let me read you a bedtime story.

- Come on, dad...
- You gonna... shut the fuck up

and let your daddy read you
a bedtime story, nigga.

This is a book here is called

the long red train.

Okay, "there is a new cookbook
in the cafeteria.

Good morning,
little children students.

We have
a brand-new cookbook."

- Can you read it without...
- Shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna read it how
the fuck I wanna read it.

- I'm your daddy.
- Okay.

"I hope you like

the gourmet feast
that I made."

We get to the flop house,
we go to the basement,

we get the money, our lives
are set, yo, I'm telling you!

- We gonna be rich, man!
- No, I'm gonna be rich.

Ya'll get 5% each, depending
on how much work you put in.

What the hell?
What has happened to the ghetto?

Chipotle got a valet?

Come on,
it's the next street up.

But how does Chipotle
got a valet?

They done put a coffee bean
where they shot your man.

Shit! They turned the flop house
into a frat house.

What are we gonna do?

We get a drill, huh?

The same drills that they
dig the subways with.

We dig straight to the
basement El Chapo style.

Right?
Then we grab the loot.

That's the plot from ocean's 13.

You right, scratch that. I say
we go in with 17 monkeys.

- And a horse.
- That's planet of the apes, man.

- So you seen it.
- You got problems.

Like, I worry about you
sometimes, juice.

Okay, all right, all right, Del!

We get crank and dede.
That's Friday.

I had a feeling
you'd be up here.

- Hey.
- What, you're not gonna hit me, right?

Mmm...

So what are you doing
in my thinking spot?

Thinking.

What do you come up here
think about?

Honestly, thinking about
what I'd do with the money.

Hmm. Let me do
your shopping list for you.

- One, sneakers, two, weed.
- Ohh...

That's two things.
That's it.

You really think
that's what I would do?

Give me a reason not to.

Okay, listen, honestly,

I'm not doing this
for myself, okay?

I'm doing it for my mom.
This place is like her life.

If I don't do something big,
then she could lose it all.

If you care so much about her,

why don't you ever do
the little things she asks?

The rats?
The showers?

That ac unit she's been on your
ass about every single day?

If I get that money soon,
none of that even matters.

I can make this place
really special.

And if I got some money
left over, yeah,

I'm gonna budget in
some kicks and weed.

You thought
I was gonna leave that out?

- No, I didn't.
- Okay, good.

'Cause I got some right here.
You wanna smoke it?

- What is that?
- It's some weed.

It's a little, bitty weed.
You can barely see it.

Look.

What is wrong with you?

So what'd you come out here
to think about?

I'm trying to figure out
how we're going get into

that damn frat house
in the first place.

Don't worry.

I got a couple ideas.

Oh, no.

Hello, sir, deputy fire Marshall
frank Mckasky.

Do you have the ds-367
certification

on your fire-inspection
certificate?

You need a certification
on your certificate?

Move out of my way.

Do you know
how flammable these are?!

I smell smoke.

I see what's going on here.

Let me take a wild guess.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector,

let the place burn down,
collect the insurance money.

Not on my watch.
Not on my watch!

- Yo, agh!
- Not on my watch!

Are you kidding me?!

Anybody here read the news?
Hmm? Of course not.

I'm surprised the lithium
battery on this thing

hasn't exploded yet.

This place is
a lot worse than I thought.

Somebody needs to take me
down to the basement right now!

Yo, what the hell is going on?

Fire inspection.
I need you to take me down

to the basement right now,
check the foundation.

Yo, we had a fire inspection
a week ago, dog.

And you're lucky we didn't
shut you down then...

Dog.

If you're a fire inspector,
why does your little badge

say "guardia de seguridad"?

Budget cuts, motherfucker.
You know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and get
the fuck up out of here.

I'm confiscating this.

You, the fraternity letters,
that says "kox."

You might wanna change that.

We just letting anyone
in the house now, huh?

That's my fault, man.

Think he took your hoverboard.

Fuck.

I got it.

We rush the frat, Bam.

Yep, that's what
I'm talking 'bout.

We get strapped, we get mean,
and we rush that motherfucker!

Excuse my friend,
ya'll, I'm sorry.

He's on drugs.

No, no, no,
I mean rush the frat.

It's rush week.

I'm gonna get in
by joining the fraternity.

That's what I'm talking about.
Keep it simple.

You're not a student.

- Juice.
- On it.

Got a guy that's gonna make
a fake ID

in a perfect name to fit
in the fraternity scene.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bam.

But all those bros
have already seen your face.

You think they're not gonna
call you out on that?

What's so funny?

- She don't know!
- She don't know.

- She's light-skinned.
- She don't know!

- What? What?
- Alicia, Alicia.

You know so little
about white people.

- So little.
- They are terrified of being called racist.

If a white guy sees
a brother they seen before,

they're not gonna be like,
"oh, my god!

Antoine? I-is that you?"
Because they don't want to look

like some good ol' boy

that thinks all brothers
look the same.

But how are you so sure they
want you in the first place?

See, these days,
they need at least one token.

- One.
- You think you're gonna be

the only minority
trying to get in?

What are you gonna do
about your competition?

- Let me show.
- Okay, you ready?

You ready?
Do it, do it.

- Action.
- charm.

- No, that's not charm.
- That's not what we rehearsed.

All right, you say "action."
I'll do it then.

- Say action.
- I'm not saying "action."

- Charmed.

Greetings, gentlemen,
I'm here to rush.

Name?

Ah.

Chet Buttersworth?

That's my name.

Head on in.

Next generation,
deep space nine...

No, that's an off-shore equity
hedge account, bro.

On there?

It's got several advantages
over Javascript.

Nice to meet you.
Chet Buttersworth.

Listen, don't you guys
find it a little odd

that they have
the white people over there

and... other people
right here?

We just sort of congregated
here by chance.

Chance, that's funny.
What's your name?

- Zack.
- Zack.

Kind of tall for an Asian...

6is what they're saying.

Me? I'm like,
"he's a human being."

You guys know about the theme
parties they had last year?

No? Okay, just to name a few,
"no-fly list."

"I've been working
on the railroad."

They want you to build a wall
outside, right outside the frat.

They're like, "he doesn't even
speak English."

I'm like, "he does
speak English," right?

Okay, guys, you could be
a part of the problem,

or you can be a part
of the revolution, yeah?

What do you guys say
we all come together?

Make it really explosive...
No pun intended...

And we fight this thing?

We're not gonna put up
with any racist bullshit.

We're gonna take back the night.

Take back the night's
a women's movement.

Don't kill my momentum.
I'm on a roll right now.

Guys, new slogan just for you.
"Token is broken," cool?

Token is broken.
Token is broken.

Token is broken, march!
Token is broken, yeah!

Token is broken!
Come on, black lead the pack!

The Asian trailblazin'!

Whoever you are,
en espa�ol! Andale!

Token is broken.
Token is broken.

Token is broken.
Token is broken.

Thank god they're gone, right?

Don't worry, fellas,
I'm one of the good ones.

You know, I would say that
I'm slightly overqualified

for your organization,
but I play golf.

So, I mean, you know, that's
cool, got a hole in one.

- I'm into Polo, both kinds.
- Mm-hmm.

Ultimate Frisbee.
As I call it, ultimate frizz.

I was a captain of that
for four years straight.

Turned down hale.
That's Harvard and Yale.

Yeah, wow.

So what do you think? Pretty
good group this year.

Yo, I think I know that guy.

Didn't he, like,
come through here

trying to pretend to be a
fire inspector or some shit?

Which g...

Oh, come on man,
that's not okay.

What's not okay?
You're basically saying that all

black people
look the same to you.

That's like
the litmus test for racism.

Wha... I'm not
saying that, man.

I'm saying that's the same
black person

who came through here
and stole Eddie's hoverboard.

Oh, and now he's a thief, hmm?

Will you listen to me, man?

I'm the least racist nigga
you know!

That was out of context, Fam.

Like you never said it, Roger!

What are you thinking?

Fraternities get sued over this
kind of stuff all the time.

Sued for what, man?
He ain't got no damages.

You know me.
How could I hate black people?

- I ride the bus.
- Oh, my god.

Don't talk near him.

You're missing the point, man.
That guy's up to something.

So you give him a bid
if you want, that's cool.

But I'm gonna find out
what it is.

Just stop saying the...
The "n" word.

What are you doing?

I've been working
on my signature move.

From the ropes?
What is this? UFC or WWE?

- Are you ready?
- Uh, yeah.

Really? Because the last time
you stepped in this ring,

you got your ass handed to you
by a bunch of little kids.

Ooh, with all due respect,
you're like half my weight.

Come on, buy me dinner first!

Oh! Wait, is this supposed
to hurt or feel good?

Like, what are we...
Okay, okay, okay.

- Say uncle.
- You love me?

You said you love me?
I can't hear.

Goddamn it, Del, if you
really wanna please a woman,

why don't you please me
and fix the fucking ac unit?

All right, ma.
Show me that move one more time.

I'm not gonna ask
you again, Del!

So you got rid
of your competition.

Sounds like you impressed 'em.
What happens now?

Now all we can do is wait
and hope that my good looks

and charm along with their
white guilt and fear of lawsuits

is enough to get me in.

All right, come on, one, two.

Yo, I can't believe
we're giving this guy a bid.

Are you guys sure this is it?
Most freshman live in the dorms.

I told you there was
something about this guy.

- So it's off-campus.
- Off-campus?!

This is the ghetto, man.

Technically,
we also live in the ghetto.

True, but that's
the good ghetto.

This is like
the ghetto-ghetto.

Wow, and I thought
you didn't have

- a problem with black people.
- Oh, you c...

That's not fair, all right?

I am drawing an economic
distinction, not a racial one.

Granted, but given
the racially charged history

of this country,
can we really separate...

Guys. Hey!

Enough!!

Let's all just agree
it's super confusing

being a white male
in today's society, okay?

Now... hoods up.

Oh, yeah.

Kappa Alpha chi or die!
Kappa Alpha chi or die!

Kappa Alpha chi or die!

Let's go!!
Let's go!!

Watching this movie last night

made me mad as a motherfucker.

Y'all have seen Amistad?

Mm-hmm.

All right.
Shit was crazy.

Yo, check this out.

What the fuck?

Watch these niggas.

- Man, where is this shit?
- Can't get anything.

It's like the Internet
stops at this neighborhood.

Are you sure
you wrote it down right?

Yeah, the address he gave us
was for that gym back there.

Yo, I told you
he was playing us.

No, don't jump to conclusions.
Let's just ask somebody, okay?

Oh, these guys look like
they know the lay of the land.

Hey! Agh!

Evening, fellas.
Oh, gotta get low.

Low rider.

Uh, we think we might be
a little bit lost here.

I'd say so.

Right? Wondering if you might
be able to help us out, though.

I think we might have
gotten the wrong address.

We're looking for a fella by
the name of Chet Buttersworth?

African-American gentlemen.

Not that that means you would
necessarily know him,

but not that it doesn't,
you know?

Skin tone is sort of
right in between

you in the front
and you in the back.

Although with the shadows,
I can't totally tell.

Um, what else,
what else, what else?

Uh, well,
we're here to kidnap him

as part of
our initiation ritual.

Get the fuck out the 'hood,
cracker!

Run! Hey, hey, hey!
Everybody's running!

Bam, okay, here we go.
Time to dance.

No, I'm working, stop.

The work can wait.

It is time to play!

Whoo! You're gonna get me fired.

You're gonna get me fired.

I know the owner.
You good.

- Look at you.
- Stop. Don't.

Play, play, play, play.
And...

Out of the chair she goes.

And around and around she goes.

Now I'm gonna teach you
some dance moves.

You're not taking it serious.
Start with the right.

You're gonna fall in love.
Look back there.

- Look back at it. Look back at it.
- I don't want to.

Is this what they
do in the club?

Let me see what you got.
Oh, yes! Look at you.

Now for my closer,
this is what I do.

One, two, three, four,
spin and grab.

Hey!

- Let's go!
- I just wanna check.

'Cause there's almost
certainly a pit bull.

Who the hell is that?

I got a pretty good idea.

Wait here and don't get seen.
I will be right back.

- That's not a house.
- I don't think any of these are houses.

- I just wanna kidnap somebody!

Hey.
Can I help you gentlemen?

Hey, Chet, how are you?

What's up, man?
You live here?

I volunteer here.
Why you guys wearing Klan robes?

- No, no, no.

No, see, our hoods are rounder.
They're not pointy.

- This is eggshell.
- It's a different shade of white.

- Totally different.
- Totally different.

And besides, you know,
our fraternity

actually pre-dates the Klan
by over a decade,

so the real question is
why are they wearing our robes?

You know?
Why are they wearing our robes?

Yeah, y'all wearing Klan robes.

Okay, well, agree to disagree.

And, shifting gears,
congratulations!

We're here because
kappa Alpha chi

is officially giving you a bid.

We're here to kidnap you
for initiation.

Ooh!
But, first, quick order of business here.

The university requires us
to get your signature

on this consent form,
basically just says

that you're comfortable with us

physically abducting you
for the initiation.

- Sign there.
- Okay, cool.

And then initial here
for the robe.

- Mm-hmm.
- Great, thank you.

And then down here

for the simulated
kidnapping language.

- Sure.
- Which will be harsh.

- There we go.
- Perfect.

- Let's do this!
- Put this on.

Whoa, o...

- You gotta-
- where's that...

- The head is right there.
- Give me your arm.

- Here we go!
- All right!

Looks good on you!
Red dress!

Okay, yeah,
put the hood up here.

Yeah! Boom!

We should probably, uh,
carry you to the car,

if you're comfortable with that,
uh, we'll just lift you up.

Yeah, sure, let's do it.

Support the back!
Support the back!

Oh, you know what?

We had a bit
of a thing out front.

Is there a back entrance,
by any chance?

- Yeah, right back there.
- Perfect, great, thanks.

Let's go, motherfucker!
We'll fucking gut you! Whoo!

See?
It's just language.

Well, well, well.

Sorry, sorry.
Here you go.

There's my wallet.

Take that shit off.

I got this.

Hey, we all cool, man.

We ain't trying to cause
no ruckus, you feel me, Dawgs?

I ain't feelin' shit, Dawg.
The fuck are you?

I'm Barack.

Barack.

- Like Barack Obama?
- Exactly.

Except my man spells it
a little differently.

Spells it differently how?

B-r-o-c-k.

That ain't no damn Barack.
That's Brock!

The whitest fuckin' name
in the universe!

Grand dragon here
got a hearing problem?

Is that fucking pillow case
worth your life, nigga?

Just take it off?
Slide it off?

- Yeah, we should...
- Yeah.

Del.

- Del?
- It's a neighborhood nickname.

Buttersworth Del barrio.
They call me Del for short.

What's up, trap, Redbone,
Willis, what's popping?

- What the hell is you doin', man?
- It's not what it looks like.

Looks like you've
got yourself caught up

in some racist
fraternity bullshit.

Oh, okay, well, then,
it's exactly what it looks like.

But let's just chill
with the burners and stuff, man.

No need to get mad.
Just trying to do a little thing

with my white friends here.
Don't take offense to it.

The closest they ever been
to a black man

- is retweeting Kanye, so...
- That's us.

Del.

Okay, Eddie.

How can I say no to Dre's son?

All right.

But you boys best be on your way

before you run
into somebody a little...

Less understanding than me.

Yeah, okay, it was super
nice meeting you, guys.

Yeah, and sorry for assuming
about the wallets, no offense.

Oh, no, we're still gonna
need those wallets.

Listen up, scumbags!

We about to see
who has what it takes

to become
a kappa Alpha chi brother.

Whatever you think
is about to happen,

I promise you, it's worse.

As your pledge master, I'm...

Eyes down! No eye contact!
Look at me! Look at him!

Look at me! Look down!
Never look at me.

You're not on my level.

I'm gonna make sure
you weak fledglings

are run through that gauntlet...

So you're properly prepared...

For a lifelong brotherhood
built on booze...

That pussy...

And general
kick-assedness!

- First thing you slaves are gonna do is...
- trigger warning.

Sidebar.

Man, what the fuck, I was...

I'm not sure we should call
the pledges slaves this year.

But we always call them slaves.

I know, but...

Don't you think this year
feels little different?

You guys talking
about the slave thing?

Yeah, I've always felt a teensy
bit uncomfortable about that.

Yo, the word "slave"
doesn't necessarily

have to refer to, like,
civil war-era black slaves.

In fact, it's actually derived
from the white Slavic people

who were taken as slaves
in the ninth century.

But that doesn't change the fact
that in this day and age,

the word "slave"
is a racially charged term

that harkens back
to a truly disgraceful period

in this nation's history.

True, but isn't it more racist
to change our traditions

simply 'cause we got
a black pledge?

I am so glad we're finally
having this discussion.

Let me talk to him.

- I-I'll talk to him.
- You go talk to him.

- Hey, man, how's it going?
- So far, so good, thank you.

Listen, just wanted
to check in with you.

Some of the guys
seem to pretty set on

referring to the pledges
as slaves.

And I just sort of wanted to get
your take on that as a, um...

Well, I just wanted
to get your take.

Keeping in mind
that when we use the term,

we in no way mean,
you know, 19th century,

cotton-picking slaves.

Just sort of a fake term
of subservience.

Yeah, listen, I understand
that I'm a pledge,

and there's certain things
that come along with that,

but there's gonna be a problem

if you guys
are calling me slave.

Say no more.
Nope.

Okay, then!

First thing you pledges
are gonna do is...

Get down on your hands
and knees...

And clean the house
with toothbrushes.

Amazing, this whole time,

I'm thinking it's
gonna be a lot worse.

Like shaving each other's balls,

or like you guys
branding us with irons,

or making us jerk off
with hot sauce.

But cleaning the house
with a toothbrush?

I'll do that no problem.

No problem, huh?
All right.

This your toothbrush.

- Okay.
- What do you think's gonna happen?

Oh, hey, little Princess.
Wanna see the cave of treasures?

Oh...

Oh, there she go!

Oh, he's down there!
Oh!

- That tickles a little.
- What is wrong with you?

Oh, it's got the tongue scraper.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- That's yours now.
- Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh!

Yeah, let's comb your mustache.
Come on now.

You're gonna clean with it,
pledge!

I'm not gonna cl...

You take it!
You smell that? Smell your own shit.

Guys, any of y'all want me
to clean the house with this?

- No.
- Absolutely not.

Pledge Buttersworth.

Yo, Buttersworth.

Oh. Yo, what's up, Brock?

What's up, man!
Come with me.

I got a special assignment
for you.

Okay, after you.

Okay.

Now, most times, this area
is for brothers only.

It's off-limits to lowly
pledges such as yourself

without a proper escort.

Ugh, what is that smell?

That smell could be
a number of things.

Could be beer or pussy,
ball sweat, rat shit.

Or could be the Chad Snyder
memorial hot tub.

Mm, take it in.

Definitely that.

What is... what is that?

Brother Snyder was one
of the best of us,

house president,

majoring
in international relations,

2.8 grade point average,
captain of the swim team.

- He died in this thing?
- Yeah, he drowned, mm-hmm.

As the legend goes,
brother Snyder

was found in a fetid pool
of hot tub water,

jell-o shots,
and a lot of vomit.

Oh, s-smells like you haven't
changed the water since.

- Of course we haven't.

That would disgrace
our fallen brother.

- Of course.
- Look, Buttersworth,

I tried to give you
a dirty toothbrush before,

and I'm sorry about that,
okay, that was not cool of me.

- It wasn't.
- So I got you a fresh one.

My man.

Uh-oh!
I'm so clumsy.

But go ahead and get that
for me, Playa.

Whoo!

You... you're evil.

Oh, shit, come on, Buttersworth!

Oh, shit.
Oh... oh!

Son of a bitch.

Fuck, Buttersworth!
Settle down, man!

Just get the toothbrush
and clean it!

- Dig deep!

Son of a bitch!

I hate my life.

You want me to start...
Start from the bottom?

Just start cleaning.

You was so close to the money!

Yo, he didn't leave.
He was watching the whole time.

So what else they have you do?

Did you have to do
the elephant walk?

What's the elephant walk?

When you put one thumb
in the guy's asshole

in front of you and then
the other thumb in your mouth,

and when they yell "switch!,"
you switch.

So basically,
you eat an ass-icle.

It's an urban legend.

Man, I ain't eating no ass-icle.
I'm done with this, I'm out.

You can't put up with it
a little longer?

- It's a lot of money.
- And if my vote count for anything,

I say we stay
on this particular project.

We? Juice, ain't no we, bro.
It's been me!

Me in the frat house,
me digging through some puke.

Trying to find a fucking
toothbrush, and

what, you saying the
elephant walk next?

I ain't doing that, bro.

We make one wrong move,
they call the cops.

Who go to jail, you, Alicia?
No, it's me.

Me in the cell next to my dad,
family reunion in Folsom.

I ain't no criminal
like my father.

I've been doing this.
Ain't no progress.

Let's face it, man, we not
getting nothing out that house.

Did I just hear
the son of Andre Goodlow

decide to give up?

Oh, shit.

Uncle Leon.

I know that's not how
my brother raised you.

I'm pretty sure you're
not supposed to be out of jail

for at least one,
two hundred years.

I decided it was time
to make some lifestyle changes.

You broke out of prison?

Leon Goodlow?

Am I seeing a ghost, or is
that just wishful thinking?

Is that my best girl, Roberta?

I ain't a girl,
and I ain't yours.

What the fuck
are you doing here, Leon?

Maybe I'm here
to finally charm your ass

into doing what we should've
done a long time ago.

I'll remind you that I'm a good,
Christian, married woman.

Not like Dre's turning down
dick in prison.

- Why should you?
- What?

I'm gonna give you a moment
to think long and hard.

Before you say any
other nasty shit.

You don't want me to call the
police on your fugitive ass.

- Oh, you would do that?
- Oh, I would.

What you gonna tell them
about what your boy's got into?

- Whatcha you been up to, Del?
- Nothing!

You just believe him
just like that?

- Gimme a reason not to.
- He's a liar?

- He's a felon?
- Yeah.

You know what, ma, you got
so much on your plate.

I'm gonna handle this since
I'm the man of the house now...

- Since when?
- I'm... I'm really...

- Juice, shut up.
- Ma, I'm sorry.

Just please, please, I'm
begging, let me handle this.

All right,
I'll let you handle it.

- Okay.
- But if I find out

you been up doing anything
to bring shame on my household,

Del, you will no longer be
a part of that household.

You got me?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Out on your ass.

- Can... can i...
- Shut your mouth, juice.

Leon.

Roberta.

So, y'all get my money yet?

- Money?
- What?

- Money?
- What is he talking about?

- I know I'm broke.
- I got, um...

- I got chapstick.
- You could use some.

The bottom lip a little ashy.

Yeah, okay, okay, I get it.

See, you hang with stupid,

so you assume
everybody's stupid.

But not me.

See, after
I attained my freedom,

I drove by the old place
where me and your father

stashed our money,
and guess what?

They turned that shit
into motherfucking fraternity!

- Really?
- Yeah!

- Wow.
- Now that was a surprise.

- But you know what was a shock?
- What's that?

When I saw
my ghetto-ass nephew

walking out of that fraternity
like he fucking belonged there!

Uh, me?
Oh, y... oh, yeah!

It slipped my mind,
I had went back to go to school

and the guys was cool,

but there's money
in the basement?

I didn't know
there was money there.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Okay?
Just to make it clear.

You got all studied up
on your sats and shit.

Yeah, I did get
an 800 on my sats.

It's out of 1,600, motherfucker.

I'm gonna take
the second half later.

Then magically,
you came up with the money

to attend one of the most
expensive-ass schools

in the country,
and then on a whim

joined a fraternity
that just so happened

to be at the same address
as the place

where we stashed our
money after the bank job?!

Is that right?!

You know what?
This the problem.

This exactly why
young black men can't achieve

greatness in this country,
because of the doubters.

- Preach.
- The haters.

This is the first Goodlow
to go to college.

You can't you be happy for your
nephew for just one minute?

Okay, but you gotta admit.

That's a crazy coincidence,
ain't it?

- Little bit.
- Yeah, it's crazy.

- It's crazy.
- It's crazy.

Where's my money, Del?!

Shit, okay, okay,
uncle Leon, just chill.

If you gonna blast me,
then blast me,

but that don't change the fact
that I don't got the money.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, okay. Okay.

This your girlfriend?

Nope.

I mean...
She do be liking

my pictures on Instagram
late at night, so...

You ever seen somebody
get they face blown apart, Del?

I have.

Now ask yourself,
do you want this

to be the last memory
of this girl right here?

'Cause that shit that
sticks with you, believe.

All right, look, I've...

I've been trying
to get the money.

But it hasn't been easy.
I'm pledging the house.

But these guys, they're intense,
you know what I'm saying?

They never go to sleep,
but I'm real close.

Just gimme a few more days,
and I'll have your money.

I just need more time,
all right?

All right, I'll give you
two days to do your thing.

Two days and two nights
or just a flat...

- Two days! All right.

If you don't get it, I'm gonna
go in there my damn self.

Maybe your way,
those kappa gamma bitches

won't get they dicks shot off.

- Oh.
- Hmm?

Now I'm gonna go in here

with your sexy-ass momma

and see if she make me some
of her world-famous sassy eggs.

Come on, man.

What, juice?

Does this affect my 5%?

Alcohol! Alcohol!

My baby brought me a beer!
That's a good baby!

He looks like me
a little bit, right?

Suck it.

- Suck it!

Okay, so my thing
is I can always tell

when they don't use
real dinosaurs in movies.

- Pledge Buttersworth!
- Oh, shit!

What are you doing in here, man?

You should be out there
with the other babies.

Yeah, I just wanna use
the bathroom real quick.

What do you think
that diaper's for?

No, I'm just playing, no!

But there's no bathroom
in there, man.

That's the basement. There's
no need to go in there.

Listen, man, sometimes I
just need a place to think,

like, clear my thoughts,
and I just thought down there

would be best.

I get it, man.

I know this hazing stuff
is exhausting.

Yeah, so exhausting.

- Degrading.
- You got me in a diaper.

I know it's silly, man.

But once you make it
through this,

we're brothers, family,

tell each other secrets,
watch each other's backs.

So you gonna join this family?

Yeah, man.
I'm gonna do it.

Okay.

Right after I hit this basement.

Man, what you talking about?
Get out there with the babies.

Come on, man!
Do the baby walk, though.

Do that... do that baby walk.
There it go.

- Ay, hit it, work, yeah.
- Million dollars.

Glad we had this talk, man.

- Great talk.

Listen up, babies!

You may think
pledging is all diapers,

binkies, and verbal abuse...

but it's also about
giving back to the community.

So our red hot bros
and filthy rich females

charity gala is coming up,
and you dirtbags,

along with our beautiful selves
are gonna be auctioned off

to the highest bidders
from our sister sorority...

- Trigger warning!
- Whoa, whoa, T.W., T.W.

What's that,
pledge Buttersworth?

I'm sorry,
I just thought I heard him say

that you guys were
gonna auction us off?

Well, yeah, in order
to raise money

for local charities,
you'll be auctioned off...

- Oh, I hear it now.
- Oh, shit, not again.

Come on, man!
You can't be serious!

Oh, I'm sorry, Brock,
if you and I have

a slightly different reaction
to the idea of us being

auctioned off
to rich white people

outside of a plantation house.

Okay, let's bro-dle.
Hey, bro-dle.

No way he's getting out of this.

Hey, look, I knew
a black guy growing up,

and he was not like this, man.

You could say anything
you wanted to him.

Yeah, he even
let me touch his hair.

Okay, yeah.

- Buttersworth?
- Yeah.

You don't have to be
auctioned off.

We're gonna make you
the auctioneer.

It'll be empowering!

Yeah, yeah, I guess that works.

It's an affirmative auction.

I am a master.

I play white guilt like
Michael Jordan plays basketball.

I'm talking like Stevie wonder
plays the piano.

Okay, so you're the auctioneer.

- Mm-hmm.
- So what?

So since that I'm
in charge of the proceedings...

Don't mess this up, pledge!

I can keep them busy while
you guys go look for the money.

Now, my great-great-great-
great-granddaddy

would love to hear me say this.

Get your billfolds out

'cause we buying
white people today!

Yeah!
Make some noise!

First, we're gonna need
to figure out

a way to get you into the party.

How about having tits
and a pulse?

That'll work.

Once everyone's outside,
juice, you're gonna slip

into the basement
and make your move.

The longer I can keep
the auction going,

the more time it buys us
to look for the money.

Come on!

I'll make sure the tools
are down there waiting for you.

- - Oh! Whoa.

Oh, y... oh. Ah, yeah.
That's your spot right there.

Brother Clarke here is actually
an amazing impressionist.

- No.
- Yes, got some impressions for us, don't you?

- I do not.
- Um...

Whoo!

You're a little tight.

Okay, you...
You kinda like my ex.

It's kinda hard to find your
spot, but I'm gonna find you.

Why don't you try someone
that everybody knows?

Like Denzel Washington, you
know, put your shoulders up.

"Okay, all right, huh?
What, are we at an auction?

What, are we gonna buy
white people?

That's what you telling me?

You telling me you gonna buy
white people?

What type of white people
are we gonna buy, huh?"

I don't think I should do that.

And now let's get brother Ben
to the stage,

ladies and gentlemen, Ben!

Oh, come on, bro,
that's not cool.

What are you talking about, man?
Drawing dicks is always funny.

You ladies know our resident
sexpert, brother Eddie.

I'd like to dedicate
this first move

to an invention that changed
the face of modern warfare...

And sexuality.

It's called the Gatling gun.

It works best
if she's bow-legged.

Am I right, Sarah?
Wink face.

Maybe Mike Tyson, famous boxer?

"I got these...
I got these pigeons here.

And we put these pigeons
together and we make them kiss."

Yeah, no,
definitely not that one.

I give you...

The pinwheel.

Do you know any comedians?
Do you know bill Cosby?

I could maybe try that.

Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen,
bill Cosby.

"You see...

When...
She eats the pud-ding,

you put the Quaaludes
in the pud-ding

and then she eats
the pud-ding,

and she gets sleepy
with the pud-ding.

And then you climb on top of her

and you put
in your black penis..."

Oh, no, no, no, you d... wha...

Guys, um, Clarke, anybody
wanna bid on Clarke?

I'm through playing
motherfucking games with you!

Right now!
Done playing games, uh-huh!

Yeah!
You brought it on yourself!

- Okay, okay.

Oh! Oh, my...
These white boys got rats.

Are they keeping them as pets?
Where'd it go?

And finally...

A very special move taught to me

by a very special woman.

Thanks, mom.
This is called the pile driver.

Be careful.
It's rough on the spine.

Good job, Eddie!

All right, come on, someone's
gotta find that appealing.

And now a man who used
a Macklemore Lyric

as his yearbook quote,
brother Brock with a freestyle.

Okay, okay, all right,
all right, okay.

Brock in the building,
and I'm feeling fly.

Tux like James Bond,
got that golden eye.

Bars on bars
like the candy shop.

Bid on me, girls,
I'll make your panties drop.

Okay, once you go Brock,
you might never go back.

Make your body numb
like a heart attack.

Okay, here's your chance,
so pull the trigger.

Put it down on you
'cause I'm a dope-ass...

The fuck am I supposed
to say to that?

Wait, did you forget about me?

Why am I there?

You're gonna bid on Brock.

He's been on me
since I got there.

I just need you to keep him
out the basement.

I'm not fucking him.

- What? No, no, no.
- No!

Never.
Don't do that ever.

- You want me to fuck him?
- What?

It's a million dollars!

Yeah, but you are only
making 50k.

For 50 gs, my list of not-dos
is pretty short.

Okay, walk it back a step.

You want me to win him
in the auction, right?

- Yeah.
- What am I winning him with?

We're broke.

36, 38...
Oh, I got a scratcher.

Wait a minute.

We got 38.

$42 and 68 cents.

How is that gonna be enough?

I'll make it be enough.

$20.

$25.

- $25.
- $30!

- 35!
- $35!

40!

Forty... two.

$50!

$42 going once!

I just said 50!

$42 going twice!

- 50!
- Sold to the women in the red dress!

Are you, deaf, asshole?!

This is not how auctions work,
dumbass.

Nice work, Buttersworth.

Hey, go get 'em.

So. I haven't seen
you around before.

Yeah, well, we should talk.
It's a nice night.

You wanna go for a walk?

Nah, I got something
special for you.

Follow me.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tear
this mother down.

Uh-huh, yeah! Yeah!

Oh, found you.

Oh, yeah, I found the money!

I found the...

So I had one of
my clueless pledges

clean this place
with a toothbrush!

Actually, let's go for a drink
at the bar out back.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Let's get out of here.

The thing is I got us
all covered.

- Okay, I'm coming.
- Come on.

I got us covered down here.

- You bid on me, right?
- That's right.

Voila, I whipped up
this little surprise

just for the occasion.

Wow.

You did all of this?

- That's impressive.
- Yeah.

Let's get out of here,
I'm feeling claustrophobic.

Whoa, whoa, there's no need
to be so anxious.

You want to talk, let's talk.

Let's talk.

Let's get to know
each other better.

What are you looking at...

- You.
- Your titties?

Yeah, I'm looking at you.

This is dope.

So, uh...

Feel like maybe a lap dance?

Sure. Oh, yeah.

Go ahead.

No, I meant you give me one.

A man giving a woman
a lap dance...

It's an instant panty dropper.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All you can handle.

- Yeah?
- Okay, all right.

You're on some feminism shit.

Got the empowered woman.
Well, bring it, girl.

Okay. Here we go.

Whoo!

Yeah, already getting so sexy.

So good.
Keep doing it.

- Yeah, you like that?
- Getting super wet over it.

Yeah, tell me
what you want, baby.

Just keep looking at me.
Oh, my god.

- Whoo! Okay!
- Love it. Yeah.

Take something off.

- Whoo! Yeah!
- So hot.

- See that belly button?
- Flash it again.

- Oh? Oh.
- Yeah, oh, my god.

- I love it.
- Yeah, it's an innie-outie.

It's like in,
but it's out. Whoo!

Keep facing towards me, yeah.

Oh, my, oh!

Oh, my god, so dangerous!

Yeah, it's like Justin Beiber
and Austin powers

had a baby, and it's you.

- Oh, that's my belly button!
- Oh, my god, get it off!

And there are your pants
coming off.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my... it's so hot.

Yeah, do that thing.
What is that?

- Is that a dab?
- That's called the dab.

That's so good.

And then I'll dab it over here.

- No!
- Shit, ow, girl!

Yeah, face down, ass up.

That's the way we like to fuck!

You filthy, girl.
I love it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, all right.

Man, this like
a new experience for me.

I feel both degraded
and empowered.

Is that what it's like
to be a woman?

You still there, baby? Oh!

Keep your face away.

Yeah, I'm a bad boy.
I think I need to be spanked.

- Spanked?
- Ooh!

- Yeah?
- Go on. I've been a bad boy.

Punish me, girl!

I'm so bad.
Put something on it, girl.

I'm ready.

Ooh! Fuck! Shit!
That stings!

You're insane, girl!
Mm! I'm sorry!

God...

I'm in charge here.
I clearly can't trust you.

I'm gonna have to tie you up.

- Yeah.
- Keep facing the wall, bitch.

Tighter, baby. Ooh.

- Time for the blindfold.
- Oh, oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- Like that?

Yes, ma'am, damn.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it's kind of wet.

Yeah?

Y-yeah.

How do you think
it got that way?

Okay.

You pungent
as you is beautiful, okay.

But now it's my turn, all right?

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

I'm in charge now.

Look, I know you're
not used to this,

but I'm a brother
who's not afraid

to go down on a girl.

Yeah?

So you just go ahead and
you hike that skirt up

and get some ready
for some heaven, okay?

- Here we go.

You excited, okay, girl.

- I get it. Oh!
- Ooh! So excited.

Oh, damn you, like,
got it all '70s and shit.

Yeah.

I can dig it natural.

- Oh.
- Don't stop, oh, yeah.

You ever had someone Beatbox?

Keep going all night, baby.

Don't stop for any...
Reason.

Oh, shit, your pussy's
squeaking a little bit.

Here we go, here we go.
Hey, what's up, everybody?

Hey, we got the money...

No, hey, no snapchat,
no Instagram, no nothing, man.

How's your phone even working?

Ya'll ain't got no boost mobile?

This shit waterproof!
All right, man, stop with the pictures.

Open that shit up,
let's see what we got.

Get it, baby!

How does it smell?
How does it feel?

Okay.
We got a blockbuster DVD of encino man.

- Say what?
- Yep, take a look.

Oh, we got a mix tape,
the "big Booty grind" mix.

Big Booty grind?
The fuck is that?

- We got a Zima.
- The money, look...

- Oh, it's a note.
- What?

"Dear kappa Alpha chi
brothers of the future.

We are burying this time capsule
in the wall of our house

in hopes that you will
one day uncover it

and see how your ancestors
partied.

What is the future like?
Are there blow-job robots?"

A fucking time capsule?

What's a time capsule?

No money?

Everybody gonna get
their dick shot off.

I do love encino man, though.

- Yo, yo, del...
- Fuck!

Shit! Fuck! Fuck!

Man, this is your car!

Gimme that thing!
Fuck this shit!

We tried.
It's over.

Maybe it's not, man.

If we got in the basement once,
we can get in there again.

How? We barely
got in there tonight.

Uncle Leon's gonna track us
down, and it's over.

What don't y'all get?

I'm done with this shit,
for real this time.

Wow.

Del Goodlow not following
through on something.

I can't believe it.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

You've never seen anything
through in your whole life.

But then your dad told you
about the money,

and I saw a side of you
I've never seen before.

You were taking charge.

Coming up with plans,

trying to do right by your mom,
charming your way

into a rich frat house.

I mean, for a second there?

I was actually impressed by you.

You know, I thought
you were doing this

to save those friends
of yours from Leon,

but if you're giving up,
then I guess not.

I mean, what do you care, right?

Least you got
your sneakers and weed.

You think I don't care?

I got more at stake in this
than both of y'all.

What am I supposed to do,
huh, go in there with a bat

over uncle Leon's skull?

- What's that gonna get me?
- A broken bat, most likely.

He's... he's pretty solid.

Look, Alicia,
I'm not backing down.

I just don't know
how to go forward either.

There they are!
I hope you don't mind.

I got in a few reps
while I was waiting.

So... what's it gonna be?

Money bags or a body bags?

W-well, definitely not
the body bags.

But, uh, we...
We ran into some problems.

Long s... you don't
wanna hear the story.

But we don't have the money
right now, so...

No, no, no,
don't reach back there.

You don't need the gun.

- That is disappointing.
- Look, like I said before,

we tried to get the money,
and we failed.

You can't win 'em all,
am I right?

Relatable?
Put the gun down.

You know how many times
in my life I said "I tried"?

Say like maybe ten?
Ten, fifteen...?

Never!
Are you crazy?!

I got a mind to teach
your ass a lesson.

No, no lesson...
Let's just teach...

Ooh, don't touch my gun.
Don't ever touch my gun.

Okay, not touching the gun.
Just touching your finger.

Touching a gun's
like touching a man's dick.

- Don't touch my gun.
- He said it's his dick!

- I'm not touching the gun.
- You're touching the gun.

- Agh!
- He shot him!

I told you don't touch
the gun, man!

Shot me in the toe!
You kill us, you not gonna get no money.

So let me go back to the house,
and let me get the money.

24 hours, that's all I need.
24 hours.

How do I know you ain't
gonna just gonna fuck up?

There goes my sandal game!

Do I look
like I'm gonna fuck up?

Ah, man, he ain't gonna fuck up.
He ain't gonna fuck up.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

You know what?

I believe you.

I believe you.

- Okay, whoa.
- You know what?

For the first time,

you actually look like
your father's son.

I'm proud of you.

All right.
All right, motherfuckers!

- 24 hours for your ass!

And then I'm gonna come,
snatch up your mama,

and ride her sweet ass
outta here.

Come on with
the mama stuff, man.

You all right?

I would be better
if I wasn't shot!

Juice, come on, man,
50 cent got shot nine times.

You got shot in your pinky toe,
acting like a bitch.

Shit hurt, okay?!

It's just a graze, come on.

About to lose a leg!

You're fine.
What's the play?

I don't know a play, okay?
You heard what he said.

If I don't have the money,
he's gonna come back,

he's gonna shoot us,
he's gonna go to the frat house

and kill everybody there,
what am I supposed to do?

I need some anesthesia.

You know what, matter of fact,

shoot me in the head
like a horse, put me down.

Wait, wait, wait,
yeah, yeah, that's it.

- No, no!
- No, no, no, not put him down.

Put him to sleep.
Can you get roofies?

What? You know what?
I'm insulted right now.

That you would think
that I'm the roofie guy.

Next time I need roofies,
I'll present it

in a more diplomatic way,
but for now,

can you get me roofies,
yes or no?

Yeah, of course.

Gentlemen, welcome to your
final night of pledge-ship.

I know this ain't been
an easy time for y'all.

Been especially hard
on some of you.

And we had to make it
hard on you

because what you're about
to step into is so great.

Brotherhood.

Built on loyalty...

Honesty... trust.

And booze and pussy.

I love these guys, man.

And now, in the grand tradition

of our esteemed forefathers
who preceded us,

we will seal
the bond of brotherhood

through the drinking
of the ceremonial punch

consisting of grain alcohol,
store-brand fruit punch,

and a little bit of liquid THC.

Who wants to step up?

To loyalty...

Trust...

And honesty.

With that, we'd like
to welcome you former shitbags

as our brothers.

Kappa Alpha chi for life!

Kappa Alpha chi for life!

I think we might have gone heavy

on the T... h...

C.

I think I'm good.

This escalator's broken.

That punch was strong.

Okay, um...

Work. Work.
Gotta get to work.

I don't know why.
I don't know why.

I don't know why.
I don't know why we...

We doing this.

Wait...
He's here's somewhere.

Ahh.

Sarah loves Russell.

Who the fuck is Russell!

Money, listen,
I just wanna talk to you.

What are you doing
down here, pledge?

- Don't you know who I am?
- Who the fuck are you?

You dumb son of a bitch.
I'm you, motherfucker.

Nigga, you me?

Go on now, hit that shit.

We in this together, huh?
Goddamn.

It's in the wall.
I'm looking in the wall!

You're right, Brock.
Dicks are funny.

Whoa, whoa, what are you
doing, Del? Get back to work.

Hello? Where are you?

I will find you, money,
and I will spend you.

You son of a bitch.

Come on.

I got the money!
I got the money!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I got the money!

I got the...

No, I got the money,
motherfucker!

Where is he?

- He should've been back here by now.
- I don't know.

I can't really guesstimate
how long it takes

to knock out a room
full of white boys,

snatch a million dollars,
and drive all the way

to this neighborhood
in Thursday traffic.

Evening, dummies.

Here's the traitor.

What the fuck did you do,
Buttersworth?!

I didn't do nothing!
I was knocked out!

We got roofied.
Everyone else is still out.

While we were out,
someone jacked all our shit!

Took our weed,
our cash, everything!

You doubted me about this,
then look what happened!

- I knew you were up to something!
- I wasn't up to nothing.

You guys always talking
about brotherhood,

having each other's back
through thick and thin.

Something crazy happens,
this how y'all act?

Come on.

You're not my brother.
You're a fucking thief.

I'm not a thief.

I would never steal
y'all's shit.

But I think I know who did.

So what I'll do
is I'll go get it for y'all.

And I'll come right back,
'cause where I'm from,

that's what brothers do,
we have each other's back.

So just ease up.

Hey.
You're not going anywhere.

At least not by yourself.

A kappa Alpha chi brother
never stands alone,

so if you're going, we're going.

Come on!

Well, that's great.
That's real cute.

I think I'm gonna handle
this one on my own.

You guys just chill here,
all right?

I don't think so, Buttersworth.

You don't have to do
anything on your own anymore.

You're kappa Alpha chi now.

You guys don't understand.
This guy is real.

Trust me, he's dangerous.
Y'all just stay here and chill. I got this.

Not a chance.

These guys are right.

We got your back.

We're family now, right?

Kappa Alpha chi for life.

Kappa Alpha chi for life.

All right.
Kappa Alpha chi for life.

You know there's, like,
a bunch of dicks on your face?

- Like a bunch.
- Yeah, there's a lot of 'em.

98...

Ooh...

100.
Now, now, Berta.

I got a lot of money here.

I can make you happy.

I'll get you anything you want.

We'll make a life together.

I don't want
your dirty money, Leon.

I'm fine with my life
just as it is.

We just got the phone back on.
Thinking about a second line.

Where's my son?

Woman, how am I gonna focus
on getting up in that pussy

when all you can talk about
is what came out of it?

I think I can get us
out of here.

Go ahead, you got that?

Oh, you got soft hands.
I never noticed.

You shut up.
You shut up.

You shut up.
You shut the fuck up.

You guys hang out by the back
door and wait for the signal.

Okay, yeah, totally.

Yeah, what's the signal, though?

Bro, I told you,
it's "man."

- Man. Man.
- Man. Man.

- Like... like, "man!"
- Man. Man.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Fuck you, Berta!

You just missed out on the
greatest dick you ever known!

Um, black Mr. clean!

I heard 'roids
make your dick small!

What the fuck
did you just say to me?

Uh...

You and this bitch
are just lucky to be alive!

Oh, you gonna be sorry
you said that.

We... we... we cool.
It's cool.

I'm sorry.
I apologize.

Get your ass back!

Motherfuckers
have tried and died

sneaking up on Leon Goodlow!

You make out
anything he's saying?

Not really.

Sounds like when a chick's
telling you about her childhood

while she's eating out
your asshole.

Dude.

That is exactly
what it sounds like.

Oh, shit.

- Everybody likes butt stuff.

You still have balls
on your chin.

What the fuck are you doing?!

Okay, okay, Leon. Leon!

Just put the crowbar down
and I will come with you.

Leave Del out of this.
Del, step aside.

No, mom, I got this, all right?
Time for me to stand my ground.

I said it's time I be a man!

I-it's time I be a man!

Be a man then. What?

I said it's time
for me to a man!

Right now!!

Bro, did you see that video
that said that Tupac

is alive and working
with the Illuminati?

- Aaliyah and left eye, too.
- Yeah, and it's all true.

It's right there
on the Internet.

It's like they're not
even trying to cover it up.

Wait, wait, wait.
You guys hear that?

Yo, that sounds like a gat.

Good ears, Dawg.

It's time for me to be a man!

I need to be a m-a-a-an!!

Baby, are you having a stroke?

Come on, man,
please don't rob us again.

My dad was on the phone
with the bank for hours

getting new credit cards,
hassle factor's...

- Do I look like I fucking care?
- No.

I warned y'all
not to come back here.

Y...

I got this.

Well...

You wanna be a man.

All I see is a little boy
about to piss himself.

Get your ass over there.

You trying to play me?!
You trying to play me?!

Hey, call your boy off, man!

We know we were supposed
to wait for your signal

to come and help you,
but we couldn't hear

your signal,
and now we need help. Oh...

Hold on, hold on.
Is that him?

Is that the fucker
that took our shit?

- He's huge!
- Show some respect, little Homie.

That is Leon Goodlow, son.
Ghetto legend.

Hood hall of fame, motherfucker!

This thug right here
is a-no good low-life

and he's the type that I do
not associate myself with.

Don't associate with?

Ask yourself if you've ever
seen your friend here

in class or doing homework?

I maintain a solid GPA.

What I do on my own time
is my own business, thank you.

On your own time?
Snooping around their basement?

I'm kappa Alpha chi,
motherfucker, what's good?!

Kappa Alpha chi!

Tell them who the fuck you are!

Okay, you got the gun
right there.

Guys, just real quick.
I'm-a keep it 100 with you.

My real name
is Del Goodlow, okay?

I'm not a college student.
I lied about that.

I just did it so I could get
into your frat

and take the money
that my uncle and father

stashed there years ago,
so that's the whole truth.

Oh, my god! I told you!
I told you!

I to-o-ld you!
I told you! I told you!

I told you, like,
six times this that n-n...

New... guy
was up to something!

Yes, okay,
obviously he looks exactly

like that fire inspector
who came to our house,

but I couldn't say that then!

And, yes, it does seem
a little fishy in retrospect

that he kept offering
to remodel our basement.

I bet you're not even
a licensed contractor.

No, I'm not.

You're an asshole.

How much money we talking
about here, Del?

Ain't no big deal.

Just a little something
left over from an old job.

A little money?

That's a million dollars
in there!

- Right?
- Nigga, a million dollars?!

I thought you didn't want
no dirty money!

Shit, my morals
start get real flexible

around the mid-six figures.

You know, legally speaking,

depending on how long
that's been in our basement,

we may technically own it
thanks to something

called adverse possession.

Pre-law.

Lucky for me, I don't give
a shit about the law.

- Okay.
- So give me the fuckin' money.

Whatever happened to me
being a ghetto legend?

Still true.

But...

Million dollars, bro.

Not to mention the shine
my reputation gonna get

if I take out a bad-ass
motherfucker like yourself.

I respect that.

But you ain't getting that shit.
I earned that.

However...

I think you might enjoy
the contents of that bag.

Just some odds and ends
I managed

to relieve
these boys of earlier.

Get about 20 gs for that shit.

That's real nice of you, Leon.
Real nice.

Be even nicer, though,
if you just...

Handed over the rest now,
too, hmm?

Ooh-ee!

Oh, look like you got us
in a mess now, Del, huh?!

Ain't nobody leaving
this motherfucker

until there's some blood
on the floor!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, okay?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to everyone.

I know you guys are pissed,
and you got every reason to be.

But you gotta understand
why I did what I did.

Okay, I did it for my moms.

I did it to help
save this place.

Uncle Leon, come on, man,
remember when you and my dad

helped start this gym,
remember how proud you were,

how proud you were to get
these kids off the streets?

Turned my life around.

And guys, I'll admit
when I first met y'all,

I thought you were a bunch of
overprivileged ignorant assholes

with tiny hands standing
between me and what I needed.

But I misjudged y'all.
Y'all are family.

Y'all are brothers.

I really believe
what Brock said earlier.

Family has each other's back,

no matter what,
even if they fuck up.

Whether that family name
is kappa Alpha chi...

Kappa Alpha chi.

Or Goodlow.

Fuck you, Del.

Ain't no sentimental
conflict resolution bullshit

gonna work on me, nigga.

Well, fuck you, too then!

Agh! Shot me in the ass!

Shut up!
Barely grazed your ass.

Oh, it hurts.
It hurts.

- I told you it hurts.
- Ooh!

Enough!

You know what, Del,

when I found out
your father had told you

about the money,
my first thought...

Oh, shit!

Goddamn it, Del!

How many times
did I tell you to fix

the motherfucking
air conditioner?!

Whoo!

So there you go.
Good things do happen in the hood.

My moms got to keep
the gym, baby,

and there was still plenty
of money to go around.

Here you go, boys.
Sorry about the basement.

So now we got a family
and we got a business.

And even though
our insurance payments tripled,

I made sure your boy juice
got a job.

Juice, you know
your workman's comp

doesn't cover stupid, right?

Why did you climb a ladder
so that you could bend down?

- Oh, what up, neighbor?
- What up!

All the fellas
at kappa Alpha chi

learned how to do some real
charity work for a change.

Let's practice!
Come on, let's glove up!

And trap, well, he was
happy to be back in the gym

and part of the family again.

We even gave him a job...
Collections.

Yeah, we missing out
on some serious loot, baby.

We need to get that back.

And pops must have
heard the news,

'cause I changed our number
twice and he still calling.

This is Del's gym.
Leave a message.

Man, answer the damn phone!
It's me! It's Dre!

Nigga, I swear you dead

if you make that gym
a damn crossfit.

Hello?

Feels good to give back
to the community, doesn't it?

Fo' sho'.

- Yeah.
- Okay, there she is!

Why don't you start
with them toilets, Barack?

I deserve that.

Make that happen.

Oh, and one last thing.

Wow, they came back alive
and fully conscious.

Impressive.
If you think that's impressive...

Del!
Stop macking on the staff

and install
the new air conditioner.

I gotta go to class
in, like, 30 minutes.

Just have juice do it.

No!

Damn.

You ain't strong, college man.

Yo, yo!

Just tap out if you want
a real man to step in.

Mind your business, Reggie!

- You think this is?
- Your loss.

Oh!

Man, Bach, we don't win
a kids choice award,

this is some bullshit.

Y'all just gonna let him
kick me in my ass?

Fucking time capsule!

Is that too much?
Did I overdo it?

My boy!

Don't fucking fall asleep on me
when I'm sitting here

trying to be a Mr. Rogers
or a Dr. Phil.

And I don't know what you
keep looking up

at that big St. Bernard for.
He only want a donut.

I can smack him upside the head

and throw a donut on the ground.

- He gonna have to
make a decision.

What you think he gonna go for?
He gonna go for the donut.

The motherfuckin' donut.

I think I have it.

Okay, she got it.

No, I don't.