Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,455 --> 00:00:07,115
- Who is the last president to have a beard?
- Nixon.
2
00:00:07,191 --> 00:00:10,124
- No, I mean a real thick beard.
- His was thick.
3
00:00:10,194 --> 00:00:13,559
No, I mean like a full, long beard,
like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
4
00:00:13,631 --> 00:00:14,720
Falkmore.
5
00:00:14,799 --> 00:00:17,732
- Who?
- Artemis N. Falkmore.
6
00:00:17,802 --> 00:00:19,529
- You made that up, right?
- Yeah.
7
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,637
- But it sounds like a president name?
- Yeah.
8
00:00:21,706 --> 00:00:23,467
Why do presidents all
have bad names?
9
00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:25,074
Woodrow, Grover, Millard.
10
00:00:25,142 --> 00:00:27,335
The presidency attracts
the badly named.
11
00:00:27,411 --> 00:00:29,570
Their ambition is based on
personal insecurity.
12
00:00:29,647 --> 00:00:31,442
It's classic male overcompensation.
13
00:00:31,515 --> 00:00:34,413
Are you wearing lifts
in those shoes?
14
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:37,046
Cab.
15
00:00:42,059 --> 00:00:44,753
So they have this clock now,
where you punch in your age...
16
00:00:44,829 --> 00:00:46,760
and all your risk factors...
17
00:00:46,831 --> 00:00:50,094
and it actually counts down
how much time you have left to live.
18
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:52,201
What's the great moment?
On your deathbed.
19
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:55,998
They're pounding on your chest,
and you're going: "Ten, nine, eight...
20
00:00:56,073 --> 00:00:58,107
I told you this thing was good."
21
00:00:59,043 --> 00:01:02,010
- I can't believe this is our first date.
- I know. Dessert?
22
00:01:02,079 --> 00:01:04,511
I suppose I have to get
a piece of cake.
23
00:01:04,582 --> 00:01:07,776
- Why?
- Today is my birthday.
24
00:01:07,852 --> 00:01:09,817
What? Today?
25
00:01:09,887 --> 00:01:11,147
- Really?
- Yep.
26
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:26,460
So she went out with you
on a first date and it was her birthday?
27
00:01:26,537 --> 00:01:28,969
Yeah, and she picked the day.
28
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,664
Is she socially...
29
00:01:30,741 --> 00:01:32,240
awkward?
30
00:01:32,309 --> 00:01:33,637
No, she's great.
31
00:01:33,711 --> 00:01:36,871
- She's attractive and fun.
- Well, maybe she decided...
32
00:01:36,947 --> 00:01:39,743
to celebrate her birthday on
the Monday after the weekend.
33
00:01:39,817 --> 00:01:42,351
She's not Lincoln.
34
00:01:42,987 --> 00:01:44,452
Hey.
35
00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:46,682
Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?
36
00:01:46,757 --> 00:01:48,825
- I'll pass.
- Oh, really?
37
00:01:48,893 --> 00:01:51,962
Hey, George. Pizza.
38
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,290
I can't. I gotta go down
to the foundation.
39
00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:58,424
I'm interviewing high schoolers
for the Susan Ross Scholarship.
40
00:01:58,936 --> 00:02:01,266
Does it ever bother you
that this organization...
41
00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:02,996
- Nope.
- is beating the bushes...
42
00:02:03,074 --> 00:02:06,234
- No.
- to basically give this money away...
43
00:02:06,310 --> 00:02:08,105
- No.
- to virtually anyone...
44
00:02:08,179 --> 00:02:10,076
as long as they're not you?
45
00:02:10,147 --> 00:02:11,612
I'm fine with it.
46
00:02:11,682 --> 00:02:13,682
Fine, I say.
47
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:20,517
And then I received a 740
on the English Achievement Test.
48
00:02:20,591 --> 00:02:22,750
Quick, what's your favorite animal?
49
00:02:23,761 --> 00:02:26,796
I don't know. Frog?
50
00:02:27,598 --> 00:02:28,926
Frog?
51
00:02:29,433 --> 00:02:32,400
- Well, I...
- Frog is wrong.
52
00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:36,299
I see here that you play the harp.
53
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,737
Tell me, why do they have to tilt it?
54
00:02:41,145 --> 00:02:43,179
Can't they just build it on an angle?
55
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:44,974
Save you a lot of trouble.
56
00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:48,277
Well, the modern-day harp has been
refined over thousands of years...
57
00:02:48,352 --> 00:02:51,683
- back to...
- Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know.
58
00:02:53,324 --> 00:02:57,053
I see your GPA is 4.0.
59
00:02:57,128 --> 00:02:58,889
You like that, don't you?
60
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:05,730
So, Steven, I see you're
president of the chess club.
61
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,164
State champs.
62
00:03:08,706 --> 00:03:10,569
Who's your favorite chess player?
63
00:03:12,877 --> 00:03:14,808
Nastercoff?
64
00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:20,506
Right.
65
00:03:20,584 --> 00:03:22,413
Nastercoff.
66
00:03:25,222 --> 00:03:26,949
What country is he from again?
67
00:03:28,092 --> 00:03:30,126
I don't know.
68
00:03:31,095 --> 00:03:32,958
I made it up.
69
00:03:33,330 --> 00:03:34,954
I'm never gonna get this thing.
70
00:03:36,367 --> 00:03:37,900
What are you telling me for?
71
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,298
You really had me going there.
72
00:03:40,371 --> 00:03:42,769
Come on, sit down.
73
00:03:45,176 --> 00:03:47,005
What do you want to do
when you grow up?
74
00:03:47,511 --> 00:03:51,445
Well, I've been telling people
that I'd like to be an architect.
75
00:03:56,754 --> 00:04:00,449
So get this, Mr. Peterman is finally
letting me do some real writing.
76
00:04:00,524 --> 00:04:02,854
He's got this book deal
for his autobiography.
77
00:04:02,927 --> 00:04:04,654
He's gonna let me ghostwrite it.
78
00:04:04,728 --> 00:04:06,523
Wow, that's great.
When it comes out...
79
00:04:06,597 --> 00:04:09,188
I'll have to get someone
to ghost-read it.
80
00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:10,594
- Hey. Oh, hi.
- Hey.
81
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:12,633
- Hey.
- So there I am at Lorenzo's...
82
00:04:12,703 --> 00:04:16,330
Ioading up my slice
at the fixings bar.
83
00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:19,305
Garlic and whatnot.
84
00:04:19,944 --> 00:04:22,035
When I see this guy over at
the pizza boxes...
85
00:04:22,112 --> 00:04:24,578
giving me the stink eye.
86
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:29,780
So I give him the crook eye back,
you know?
87
00:04:31,822 --> 00:04:33,753
And I notice that he's not alone.
88
00:04:33,824 --> 00:04:36,984
I'm taking on
the entire Van Buren Boys.
89
00:04:37,061 --> 00:04:38,458
- Van Buren Boys?
- Yeah.
90
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:41,496
There's a street gang named after
President Martin Van Buren?
91
00:04:41,565 --> 00:04:44,463
Oh, yeah, and they're
just as mean as he was.
92
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,830
So I make a move to
the door, you know?
93
00:04:46,904 --> 00:04:48,232
They block it.
94
00:04:48,305 --> 00:04:51,636
So I lunge for the bathroom.
I grab the knob.
95
00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:53,470
Occupied.
96
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:59,415
Then they back me up
against the cartoon map of Italy...
97
00:04:59,483 --> 00:05:02,609
and all of a sudden they just stop.
98
00:05:02,686 --> 00:05:04,219
What? What happened?
99
00:05:04,288 --> 00:05:07,880
Because I'm still holding
the garlic shaker, like this:
100
00:05:07,958 --> 00:05:09,582
I'm only showing eight fingers.
101
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:13,161
- Well, what does that mean?
- That's their secret sign.
102
00:05:14,632 --> 00:05:18,293
See, Van Buren, he was
the eighth president.
103
00:05:18,369 --> 00:05:20,437
They thought I was
a former Van B Boy.
104
00:05:22,506 --> 00:05:25,871
- How was the pizza?
- It was a little oily.
105
00:05:27,711 --> 00:05:30,609
Jerry, can you hold on a sec?
I just wanna check my messages.
106
00:05:33,217 --> 00:05:34,545
Oh, Melissa, Kim.
107
00:05:35,052 --> 00:05:37,620
- Ellen.
- Hey. I want you to meet Jerry.
108
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:41,047
Oh, we've heard a lot about you.
109
00:05:42,026 --> 00:05:44,788
It is so sweet of you to take her out.
110
00:05:44,862 --> 00:05:47,157
Yeah, you don't even know
how much she needs this.
111
00:05:47,231 --> 00:05:48,923
Is she coming off a bad breakup?
112
00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:50,327
No.
113
00:05:50,401 --> 00:05:52,025
See you.
114
00:05:55,072 --> 00:05:58,335
- Get your messages?
- Yeah. No one called.
115
00:06:01,178 --> 00:06:03,974
They acted like it was some
act of charity, going out with her.
116
00:06:04,048 --> 00:06:06,082
So she's the loser of the group.
117
00:06:06,150 --> 00:06:09,515
Every group has someone
that they all make fun of.
118
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,950
Like us with Elaine.
119
00:06:16,894 --> 00:06:19,485
There's no way Ellen
is the loser of that group.
120
00:06:19,563 --> 00:06:22,496
Are you looking deep down
at the real person underneath?
121
00:06:22,566 --> 00:06:25,760
No, I'm being as superficial
as I possibly can.
122
00:06:26,466 --> 00:06:28,892
- Well, stick with it.
- Yeah.
123
00:06:28,893 --> 00:06:31,872
- I think I may have found someone for the scholarship.
- Yeah?
124
00:06:31,942 --> 00:06:35,341
I'm interviewing all these
annoying little overachievers...
125
00:06:35,412 --> 00:06:39,039
and finally this kid walks in,
Steven Koren, a regular guy.
126
00:06:39,116 --> 00:06:41,275
Likes sports, watches TV.
127
00:06:41,352 --> 00:06:44,888
- Is he smart?
- He knows how to read.
128
00:06:45,856 --> 00:06:50,290
And he also knows that finishing
an entire book doesn't prove anything.
129
00:06:50,361 --> 00:06:51,792
But get this:
130
00:06:51,862 --> 00:06:53,452
He's into architecture.
131
00:06:53,530 --> 00:06:56,190
Hey, just like you pretend to be.
132
00:06:58,035 --> 00:07:00,626
Yes, with a little guidance...
133
00:07:00,704 --> 00:07:04,171
Steven Koren is going to be
everything I claim to be, only for real.
134
00:07:05,776 --> 00:07:07,343
That's my dream, Jerry.
135
00:07:07,411 --> 00:07:11,971
I had a dream last night
that a hamburger was eating me.
136
00:07:18,622 --> 00:07:21,885
Mr. Peterman, thanks
for having me over. I...
137
00:07:22,393 --> 00:07:24,688
Your place isn't quite
what I imagined.
138
00:07:24,762 --> 00:07:28,161
Oh, it's just a place to flop.
139
00:07:29,233 --> 00:07:32,996
Well, what part of your life
do you want to start with?
140
00:07:33,070 --> 00:07:35,832
Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?
141
00:07:35,906 --> 00:07:39,066
Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that
in the catalog, ad nauseam.
142
00:07:39,143 --> 00:07:42,508
No, I would like this book
to be about my day-to-day life.
143
00:07:44,181 --> 00:07:46,647
Oh, damn, they changed
the cable stations again...
144
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:49,411
just when I finally
memorized them.
145
00:07:50,287 --> 00:07:52,719
- Well, Mr. Peterman, do you want to...?
- Two: CBS.
146
00:07:52,790 --> 00:07:55,358
- Get started?
- Three....
147
00:07:55,426 --> 00:07:57,892
I don't know what that is.
148
00:07:58,662 --> 00:08:01,230
Where's my damn preview channel?
149
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,660
Well, I gotta tell you, Mr. Peterman...
150
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:08,566
I don't know if I see
a whole book here.
151
00:08:09,106 --> 00:08:11,697
Well, I'm sure we'll
come up with something.
152
00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:14,605
What do you say you and l
order ourselves a pie?
153
00:08:14,678 --> 00:08:16,245
Do you like Lorenzo's?
154
00:08:17,448 --> 00:08:21,780
A friend of mine almost got beat up
at that place by the Van Buren Boys.
155
00:08:21,852 --> 00:08:23,214
- You don't say?
- Yeah.
156
00:08:23,287 --> 00:08:24,911
The only thing that saved
him is...
157
00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:27,318
he accidentally flashed
their secret gang sign.
158
00:08:27,658 --> 00:08:29,419
- Well, that's pretty exciting.
- Yeah.
159
00:08:29,493 --> 00:08:31,652
Let's put that in the book.
160
00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:35,721
But that didn't happen to you.
161
00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:39,892
Well, so we pay off your friend,
and it becomes a Peterman.
162
00:08:41,338 --> 00:08:43,599
No, I really don't think
you can do that.
163
00:08:43,674 --> 00:08:48,677
Oh, damn, I forgot to buy
plant food again.
164
00:08:49,046 --> 00:08:52,206
I'll bet I got a coupon for it.
165
00:08:53,851 --> 00:08:56,442
You know what?
Maybe I better talk to my friend.
166
00:09:01,492 --> 00:09:04,186
Is that the same outfit
you were wearing yesterday?
167
00:09:04,261 --> 00:09:06,761
No, this is brand-new.
Do you like it?
168
00:09:06,830 --> 00:09:08,488
Actually, yeah.
169
00:09:11,435 --> 00:09:14,971
Wait a second.
Is that the fork that fell on the floor?
170
00:09:15,038 --> 00:09:18,596
Are you using the fork
that fell on the floor?
171
00:09:18,675 --> 00:09:21,300
No, Jerry, the waitress
gave me another one.
172
00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:23,844
I guess that's all right.
173
00:09:23,914 --> 00:09:28,917
- Is something wrong, Jerry?
- No, absolutely nothing.
174
00:09:29,386 --> 00:09:31,181
You're fantastic.
175
00:09:32,222 --> 00:09:33,619
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
176
00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:35,724
Kramer, George, this is Ellen.
177
00:09:41,365 --> 00:09:44,662
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am happy to introduce you...
178
00:09:44,735 --> 00:09:47,827
to the first Susan Ross Scholar.
179
00:09:47,905 --> 00:09:49,165
This...
180
00:09:49,239 --> 00:09:50,966
is Steven Koren.
181
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:55,806
His GPA is a solid 2.0.
182
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:59,609
Right in that meaty part
of the curve.
183
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:02,479
Not showing off, not falling behind.
184
00:10:02,553 --> 00:10:04,917
George, the qualifications
for this scholarship...
185
00:10:04,988 --> 00:10:07,522
were supposed to be
largely academic.
186
00:10:07,624 --> 00:10:09,749
I'm sure we're all aware
of the flaws...
187
00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:12,087
and biases of standardized tests.
188
00:10:12,162 --> 00:10:15,356
These aren't standardized tests.
These are his grades.
189
00:10:15,432 --> 00:10:19,229
Besides, Steven Koren has
the highest of aspirations.
190
00:10:19,303 --> 00:10:21,598
He wants to be...
191
00:10:22,005 --> 00:10:23,766
an architect.
192
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,168
Is that right?
193
00:10:25,242 --> 00:10:28,334
Actually, maybe I could set
my sights a little bit higher.
194
00:10:28,412 --> 00:10:32,175
Steven, nothing is higher
than architect.
195
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:35,216
I think I'd really like to be
a city planner.
196
00:10:35,285 --> 00:10:38,548
Why limit myself to one building
when I can design a whole city?
197
00:10:38,622 --> 00:10:40,690
- Well, that's a good point.
- No, it's not.
198
00:10:40,757 --> 00:10:42,984
Isn't an architect just
an art school dropout...
199
00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:45,185
with a tilting desk and a big ruler?
200
00:10:45,262 --> 00:10:47,626
It's called a T-square.
201
00:10:47,965 --> 00:10:51,398
You know, the stupidest guy
in my fraternity became an architect...
202
00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:53,593
after he flunked
out of dental school.
203
00:10:55,372 --> 00:10:56,905
Congratulations, young man.
204
00:10:57,007 --> 00:10:59,268
Susan would be very proud
of what you're doing.
205
00:10:59,343 --> 00:11:00,876
Thank you.
206
00:11:02,512 --> 00:11:05,775
And they made it their sign because
Van Buren, our eighth president...
207
00:11:05,849 --> 00:11:07,883
was the man they most admired.
208
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:13,478
Kramer, my friend,
that is one ripping good yarn.
209
00:11:15,726 --> 00:11:18,659
You know, if you liked that one,
I got more.
210
00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:20,657
What are you looking for?
211
00:11:20,731 --> 00:11:23,595
Romance? Comedy? Adventure?
212
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,632
Erotica?
213
00:11:26,236 --> 00:11:27,564
No, Kramer, I don't think...
214
00:11:27,638 --> 00:11:30,707
How much would you take
for the whole lot?
215
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:34,935
- My whole life?
- Name your price, man.
216
00:11:35,879 --> 00:11:37,241
$1500.
217
00:11:38,181 --> 00:11:40,772
- I'll give you half that.
- Done.
218
00:11:40,851 --> 00:11:43,511
Kramer, my friend, you consider
Elaine at your disposal.
219
00:11:44,021 --> 00:11:45,816
Okay.
220
00:11:45,889 --> 00:11:47,286
Well, I....
221
00:11:47,357 --> 00:11:50,017
I like to work in the evenings.
222
00:11:57,668 --> 00:12:01,260
Would you please just get on
with the stupid Bob Sacamano story?
223
00:12:01,338 --> 00:12:04,532
Well, I'm on the phone with Bob,
and I realize right then and there...
224
00:12:04,608 --> 00:12:08,769
that I need to return this pair
of pants. So I'm off to the store.
225
00:12:08,845 --> 00:12:10,537
What happened to Bob Sacamano?
226
00:12:10,681 --> 00:12:13,306
Well, nothing. His part
of the story is done.
227
00:12:15,686 --> 00:12:17,720
I'm waiting for the subway.
It's not coming.
228
00:12:17,788 --> 00:12:19,685
I decided to hoof it
through the tunnel.
229
00:12:19,790 --> 00:12:21,289
Well, now, that's something.
230
00:12:21,358 --> 00:12:23,551
I don't know
if I lost track of time or what.
231
00:12:23,627 --> 00:12:26,161
- The next thing I knew...
- A train is bearing down on you?
232
00:12:26,229 --> 00:12:28,661
No, I slipped and fell in mud...
233
00:12:28,732 --> 00:12:33,064
ruining the very pants
I was about to return.
234
00:12:34,771 --> 00:12:36,736
I don't understand.
235
00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:40,138
You were wearing the pants
you were returning?
236
00:12:40,711 --> 00:12:42,836
Well, I guess I was.
237
00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:46,313
What were you gonna
wear on the way back?
238
00:12:46,583 --> 00:12:48,480
Elaine, are you listening?
239
00:12:48,552 --> 00:12:51,018
I didn't even get there.
240
00:12:53,457 --> 00:12:56,424
- All right. Next story.
- I think I've got enough for one day.
241
00:12:56,493 --> 00:12:58,390
- Yeah, chew on that.
- I'll chew on that.
242
00:12:58,462 --> 00:13:01,622
Hey, listen. By the way, I'm hosting
a little get-together tonight...
243
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:04,028
in honor of my little
financial upturn.
244
00:13:04,101 --> 00:13:06,192
Oh, thanks, I've got plans.
245
00:13:06,269 --> 00:13:08,735
Yeah, Elaine, you should be there
to document it.
246
00:13:08,805 --> 00:13:12,841
Oh, you're getting together with
some of your jackass friends?
247
00:13:12,909 --> 00:13:15,534
- You want me to take notes?
- Yeah, but get there after 9.
248
00:13:15,612 --> 00:13:18,738
You know, give the people
a chance to loosen up.
249
00:13:26,256 --> 00:13:29,621
So you're denying him the scholarship
because he wants to be a city planner?
250
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,191
I was betrayed.
251
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,690
That kid was like a son to me.
252
00:13:34,765 --> 00:13:37,333
If there's one person
you should be able to hold down...
253
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,263
it's your own flesh and blood.
254
00:13:39,336 --> 00:13:42,633
Like my father
and my father's father before him.
255
00:13:43,106 --> 00:13:46,039
You know, maybe philanthropy
is not your field.
256
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:50,544
Hello. Oh, hi, Ellen.
Yeah, I called the hotel.
257
00:13:50,614 --> 00:13:53,410
- We're set for the weekend.
- Spending the weekend with Ellen?
258
00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:55,547
Vermont.
259
00:13:55,719 --> 00:13:58,583
You know, we can stay
an extra couple of days if we want.
260
00:13:58,655 --> 00:14:01,485
Four days at a beautiful
bed-and-breakfast.
261
00:14:01,558 --> 00:14:02,989
I can't wait.
262
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,921
Bye-bye.
263
00:14:09,733 --> 00:14:11,164
What?
264
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:13,697
What is this?
265
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,300
- You wanna start?
- No, no, no. You go ahead.
266
00:14:19,376 --> 00:14:21,603
I gotta get my thoughts together.
267
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:27,506
Jerry, this whole Ellen situation
has gone far enough.
268
00:14:27,684 --> 00:14:29,945
- What?
- Jerry, she's a loser.
269
00:14:31,655 --> 00:14:34,019
Where is this coming from?
She's great.
270
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:36,283
Why are you doing this, Jerry?
271
00:14:36,359 --> 00:14:39,587
Is it your career?
Things are gonna pick up.
272
00:14:39,930 --> 00:14:42,260
There's nothing wrong
with my career.
273
00:14:42,332 --> 00:14:45,299
I like the Bloomingdale's
executive training program for him.
274
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:47,026
We weren't gonna
discuss that now.
275
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:50,104
- It's something he should consider.
- Of course he should.
276
00:14:50,173 --> 00:14:53,333
- But now is not the time.
- Listen, these issues are interrelated.
277
00:14:53,410 --> 00:14:56,172
All right. Excuse me.
278
00:14:56,246 --> 00:14:57,938
I'm not buying any of this.
279
00:14:58,014 --> 00:15:01,208
So, what are you saying? That we're
wrong? Everybody's wrong but you.
280
00:15:01,451 --> 00:15:04,076
This is like that Twilight Zone
where the guy wakes up...
281
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:06,722
and he's the same,
and everybody else is different.
282
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:09,891
- Which one?
- They were all like that.
283
00:15:15,398 --> 00:15:17,898
Why did you take away
my scholarship, Mr. Costanza?
284
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,659
Well, Steven, I....
285
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,730
These are my new friends...
286
00:15:25,809 --> 00:15:27,274
the Van Buren Boys.
287
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:30,743
He became so disillusioned,
he had to join us.
288
00:15:32,048 --> 00:15:33,945
- Nice.
- I want my scholarship back...
289
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,744
so I can be a city planner.
290
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,879
What about architect, Steven?
291
00:15:39,456 --> 00:15:42,081
City planner.
292
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:49,231
- Great party, K-Man.
- You got that straight.
293
00:15:49,299 --> 00:15:54,200
Elaine, try the beef, because that's
real au jus sauce. Real au jus sauce.
294
00:15:54,271 --> 00:15:56,805
- I'll make a note of it.
- Hey, Kramer.
295
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,271
- Yeah.
- Ramirez has never heard your story.
296
00:15:59,342 --> 00:16:00,704
Oh, okay.
297
00:16:00,777 --> 00:16:02,708
Well, I had Bob Sacamano
on the phone...
298
00:16:02,779 --> 00:16:05,575
- and I suddenly realized that I...
- Hey, Kramer, Kramer.
299
00:16:05,649 --> 00:16:07,546
You can't tell that story now.
300
00:16:07,617 --> 00:16:09,014
It belongs to Peterman.
301
00:16:09,586 --> 00:16:11,654
- What do you mean?
- You signed the release.
302
00:16:11,755 --> 00:16:14,619
- Yeah.
- He sat in mud, not you.
303
00:16:16,593 --> 00:16:19,127
- But I did sit in mud.
- You didn't.
304
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,853
You never sat in mud.
305
00:16:20,931 --> 00:16:22,760
I was all dirty.
306
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,800
- It never happened, you understand?
- Come on.
307
00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:28,967
- Hey, all right. Yeah.
- Finish the story?
308
00:16:29,039 --> 00:16:32,336
Oh, yeah, well, I...
Yeah, the pants... They...
309
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:37,276
They... They fit well and so I decided
I wasn't gonna return them.
310
00:16:41,284 --> 00:16:43,375
- Getting late. We better get going.
- Okay.
311
00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:45,111
You're gonna go now?
312
00:16:45,956 --> 00:16:47,751
Hey, whoa. Come...
313
00:16:48,024 --> 00:16:49,455
I don't...
314
00:16:49,793 --> 00:16:53,727
Kramer, Kramer, I got big trouble
with the Van Buren Boys.
315
00:16:53,797 --> 00:16:55,956
- They're tough cookies.
- I heard that you...
316
00:16:56,032 --> 00:16:57,997
got on their good side.
What did you do?
317
00:16:59,636 --> 00:17:01,465
Oh, nothing, nothing.
318
00:17:01,538 --> 00:17:05,836
No, I certainly don't have any stories
if that's what you're implying.
319
00:17:06,042 --> 00:17:07,837
You know what those guys
are gonna do?
320
00:17:08,144 --> 00:17:10,235
Yeah, well, you didn't hear it
from me...
321
00:17:10,313 --> 00:17:14,747
but the Van Buren Boys,
they never hassle their own kind.
322
00:17:14,884 --> 00:17:16,451
You mean, like a former member?
323
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:26,024
These Kramer stories are unusable.
324
00:17:26,229 --> 00:17:29,321
I mean, some of them
aren't even stories.
325
00:17:29,566 --> 00:17:33,033
Look, this is the list
of things in his apartment.
326
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,103
Is my toaster oven on there?
327
00:17:38,341 --> 00:17:41,467
How am I ever gonna
turn this into a book?
328
00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:44,135
Well, just shape them, change them.
You're a writer.
329
00:17:45,215 --> 00:17:47,408
Yes...
330
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,381
I'm a writer.
331
00:17:49,619 --> 00:17:51,209
Make them interesting.
332
00:17:51,588 --> 00:17:53,212
Interesting.
333
00:17:53,390 --> 00:17:54,957
Of course.
334
00:17:55,058 --> 00:17:58,457
People love interesting writing.
335
00:18:00,764 --> 00:18:03,628
Well, I gotta go to the airport.
I'm picking up my parents.
336
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,199
What? Weren't they just here?
337
00:18:05,268 --> 00:18:07,734
Yeah, I'm flying them in
to meet Ellen.
338
00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:09,337
I don't know where to turn.
339
00:18:09,406 --> 00:18:12,566
- I gotta see what they think of her.
- Maybe we can have dinner later.
340
00:18:12,642 --> 00:18:16,303
I don't think so. I'm gonna try
to get them to fly right back tonight.
341
00:18:16,579 --> 00:18:19,409
Oh, hey. Hey, have I told you
about my bunions?
342
00:18:19,482 --> 00:18:21,049
You're going to love this story.
343
00:18:21,251 --> 00:18:23,911
So I line up my cold cuts
on the couch next to me...
344
00:18:23,987 --> 00:18:27,147
but as I'm stacking them up
they keep falling into my footbath.
345
00:18:27,257 --> 00:18:29,052
Kramer, this is awful.
346
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:30,715
We don't wanna hear about this.
347
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,728
- Damn.
- What?
348
00:18:33,897 --> 00:18:36,261
Oh, I bought a bunch
of bunion stories from Newman.
349
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,297
But they all stink.
350
00:18:38,501 --> 00:18:41,035
- How much did you pay for them?
- Eight bucks.
351
00:18:41,104 --> 00:18:42,967
I think I'm getting ripped off.
352
00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:46,202
Newman!
353
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:51,944
Well, what didn't you like
about the first chapter?
354
00:18:52,015 --> 00:18:54,015
Well, it started out nicely.
355
00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:56,846
I'm returning some pants...
356
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,853
a very identifiable problem.
357
00:19:00,156 --> 00:19:02,588
I set off down a train tunnel.
358
00:19:02,659 --> 00:19:05,557
Now, that's where the story takes
a most unappealing turn.
359
00:19:05,628 --> 00:19:07,889
Oh, no, no, that's where
it gets interesting.
360
00:19:07,964 --> 00:19:11,090
Don't you see? The train
is bearing down on you...
361
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:13,758
you dive into a side tunnel...
362
00:19:13,837 --> 00:19:18,271
and you run into a whole band
of underground tunnel dwellers.
363
00:19:18,608 --> 00:19:21,506
It just seems so clich�d
and obvious.
364
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,475
It's not interesting writing.
365
00:19:24,681 --> 00:19:27,215
Yeah, yeah, I know.
366
00:19:27,517 --> 00:19:32,748
How about if instead
of diving from the train, you...?
367
00:19:33,223 --> 00:19:37,760
I don't know. You slip
and fall in some mud...
368
00:19:38,962 --> 00:19:41,292
and ruin your pants?
369
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:47,167
The very pants I was returning.
370
00:19:50,173 --> 00:19:54,733
That's perfect irony.
Elaine, that is interesting writing.
371
00:19:55,245 --> 00:19:58,576
I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four.
372
00:19:59,482 --> 00:20:01,675
- Peterman here.
- Mr. Peterson...
373
00:20:01,751 --> 00:20:03,580
you gotta sell me
my stories back.
374
00:20:03,653 --> 00:20:06,916
You wanna know something?
I no longer need them.
375
00:20:06,990 --> 00:20:10,253
No, no, no, Mr. Peterman, why
don't we keep them as a reference.
376
00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:11,891
Nonsense.
377
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:15,895
I have Benes' wonderfully
imaginative mind to spin my stories.
378
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,192
You take back your tales,
you vagabond.
379
00:20:19,169 --> 00:20:22,170
There you are, Elaine.
Go forth and create.
380
00:20:22,772 --> 00:20:26,308
And by the way, when you get to that
chapter about romantic escapades...
381
00:20:26,376 --> 00:20:28,944
feel free to toss yourself
into the mix.
382
00:20:35,351 --> 00:20:36,713
Hey, Van B Boys.
383
00:20:36,886 --> 00:20:39,477
So, Mr. Costanza,
did you get my scholarship back?
384
00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:41,920
Now, fellas, fellas, easy.
385
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,116
Wouldn't wanna beat up
on one of your own.
386
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:45,760
Is that right?
387
00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:49,227
Then why don't you
flash us the sign?
388
00:20:50,366 --> 00:20:52,024
Right.
389
00:20:53,136 --> 00:20:54,965
The sign.
390
00:21:03,713 --> 00:21:05,075
That's not the sign.
391
00:21:05,415 --> 00:21:07,380
It was when I was banging.
392
00:21:07,951 --> 00:21:09,075
All right...
393
00:21:09,152 --> 00:21:11,117
if you are really one of us...
394
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:15,087
Iet's see you take the wallet
off the next guy who walks by.
395
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,725
Love to.
396
00:21:21,130 --> 00:21:24,097
And after college I got my
master's at the Sorbonne.
397
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:27,998
Sorbonne.
Oh, hey, that's in Paris.
398
00:21:28,071 --> 00:21:30,162
Jerry, your parking meter
is about to expire.
399
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,103
Don't get up. I've got change.
400
00:21:36,179 --> 00:21:39,442
- So, what do you think?
- Jerry, she is fantastic.
401
00:21:39,515 --> 00:21:41,776
I knew it. I'm not crazy.
402
00:21:41,851 --> 00:21:43,179
She's so sweet.
403
00:21:43,253 --> 00:21:45,184
And she's got some body on her.
404
00:21:45,255 --> 00:21:47,915
And smart, like a computer.
405
00:21:49,859 --> 00:21:53,087
And so much personality.
But it doesn't matter what we think.
406
00:21:53,162 --> 00:21:54,559
Do you like her?
407
00:21:56,266 --> 00:21:58,800
Now I'm not so sure.
408
00:21:58,935 --> 00:22:02,869
She's 10 times better than that
awful Amber girl that you were with.
409
00:22:02,939 --> 00:22:06,805
Yeah, Amber.
I wonder if she's back from Vegas.
410
00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:12,445
All right, no more stalling.
411
00:22:12,515 --> 00:22:15,140
Next one or you're meat.
412
00:22:15,218 --> 00:22:16,842
All right. All right.
413
00:22:19,956 --> 00:22:22,616
- Seinfelds.
- Hey, George.
414
00:22:22,692 --> 00:22:24,020
You gotta do me a favor.
415
00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:26,525
Give me your wallet.
I'll give it back to you later.
416
00:22:26,596 --> 00:22:27,924
How are your folks?
417
00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:30,563
Trying to pick out a new couch.
You don't wanna know.
418
00:22:30,633 --> 00:22:34,794
Give me your wallet or I'll spill
your guts right here on the street.
419
00:22:35,071 --> 00:22:36,661
What did you say?
420
00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:38,363
Come on, hurry up, old man.
421
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:39,906
I'm an animal.
422
00:22:39,976 --> 00:22:42,067
You're being very rude.
Come on, Morty.
423
00:22:42,145 --> 00:22:44,736
- Please, they're gonna hit me.
- What?
424
00:22:44,814 --> 00:22:48,782
George Costanza,
what is the matter with you?
425
00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:51,178
Tell your parents we said hi.
32869
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.