Original subtitles

Over here! I got one!

You will quite a surprise, my little sandwich.

Hi, this is Ida Teeter.

I can't be bugged right now.

Leave a message.

Hey, Ida, it's Danielle.

I called to let you know...

It's not really nice for you to put this off to say it.

I'm gonna have to stand you up tonight.

The whole bug thing pretty much creeps the crap out of me and I just can't...

Uh, that was mean. I am sorry if it hurts. I can't go there.

Toby!

How did you get out?

Is it you wanted to cheer momsie up, didn't you?

Ohh, little sweetie!

Oh, I know.

Stood up again?

I am so freaking pathetic!

I thought she really liked me, Max!

Too bad.

She had a really nice rack, too.

She said the bug thing creeps the crap out of her.

A very unattractive image.

I just want to meet someone...

I connect with.

You're the chicks, darling.

That's a scientific impossibility.

What about that brunette that is always sketching downstairs

by the elevator? She's not bad!

I don't know, her hair is always in her face.

I have to be able to look in a woman's eyes, in order to know...

I have to be able to look in a woman's ass.

Well... not in a woman's ass, at it.

Anyway.

I've seen hers. And it's pretty dang nice.

I don't know.

She seems kind of... weird.

Aha.

Look, Ida, I said before, and I'll say it again:

Never tell the ladies what you do for a living.

And get rid of your pets.

I don't even keep books about bugs around the house.

Drive the chickees away like poison.

Max! This is who I am!

Jeeves.

I'm just saying, some point you gonna have to make the choice:

Babes, or bugs.

You can't have both.

Alright, you creepy little sucker, end of the line!

I have to deliver a package, ma'am.

And so the grad student says:

My oh my, professor, is that a proboscis in your lab coat,

or you just happy to see me?

Go on.

Go on!

I've seen you here before, but I haven't actually talk to you.

- Hi... I am... - Ida Teeter, I know.

I always sit here. It's a peaceful place for me to do my work

and it reminds me of my father.

Umm... What is your...?

My name is Misty Falls, but I'm not a hippie.

Nice to make your acquaintance, Misty.

So what is it that you do here, Ida Teeter?

Teeder totter.

I... you know... work here.

I work here.

So Ida Teeter, I was going maybe go get a cup of coffee later, and was wondering if you'd like to...

Damn it, I don't even know why I said that.

That was a totally stupid thing to say!

I hate coffee! I drink tea.

What was that?

Well, what's under your hand?

Pen broke!

Pen broke...

I'm sorry... I am kind of in a hurry.

Okay, Ida. I understand.

Shoo! Shoo! Go on.

Well... Hello!

Where you from, my pal?

Miss Teeter? I was hoping to catch you.

Hello, Miss Beasley.

What is happening, Lady Bug?

Give me some skin.

Are you ever going to take that thing off?

Halloween was over for a month ago, kiddo.

I know.

Ridiculous thing. Always jamming up the washing machine.

Now, Ida, there is something we need to discuss.

Sure.

The neighbors have a problem, and, frankly, I share their concern.

Yes, ma'am.

But, when I moved in, you told me that I could keep pets.

- You did, Grandma - Don't interrupt, Betty.

I meant a dog, a cat, a gold fish, a pot-bellied pig...

- But not... - You didn't say that, Grandma!

Betty!

My pets are safer than gold fish.

There is no water to leak on the floor,

there is no barking...

Well...

They do chirp a little bit, but only if...

I keep a clean building, Miss Teeter.

I cannot have bugs all over the place!

Hey! I'm a bug! You don't want me in your apartment!

Yes, Miss Beasley, I know. You do keep this place spotless.

And I promise you. My pets will never cause any trouble.

Oh! Hello there, big fellow!

Hello, Doro. Look what you do to little Tommy?

Hello?

Somebody sent me a package. A bug.

Ida?

- What time is it? - I thought that it was a mantid but...

it's just too... bizarre!

Describe it to me.

Um, hold on a second.

Stevee! you are so sneaky.

What are you girls doing, little dude?

You are a sweetie.

Ida?

I almost forgot!

The artist girl is a beastnies!

So adorable!

So, I am going to take some vitamins,

grow some nuts overnight,

and ask her to dinner tomorrow.

Hey, how about that!

Girls in lust.

You better give me a full description of what happens afterwards.

It's great material for the shower in the morning.

You are so gross!

Okay. It has a head like a...

Ohh! Did you hear that?

Oh, Max, it is so beautiful!

How much segments on its abdomen?

Hold on, let me check.

It's originally from Brazil, but I have no idea who send it to me.

Woh, cowboy! It's aggressive.

Look, Ida, I'm really beat.

Let's look it up in the lab tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck, Mick!

That was very good name for you.

See you later, my girl pal.

Hi�... Misty.

I was wondering if you would...

I mean... if you're not busy, or anything...

if you would like to go to...

Would you like come have dinner with me, tonight?

- You asked her out? - Yes! And she was totally receptive.

And she drew this little neat pixie drawing of me!

That's all she draws, pixies. It's her thing.

You talked about your thing?

Not. Not a pip, General!

Good.

Now, you probably gonna want to go her place,

- because of all your damn bugs. - Look at this!

Oh my God!

Not North American. Is it Chinese?

Sure is. Looks at his head!

Hey, how about that? The Chinese food is actually come from China!

This place rocks!

Nervous?

Who, me?

Yeah, but I'm always really nervous. But this... this is a cool place.

You come here a lot?

Yes. I'm a regular.

- But I've never been here... - On a date?

Is this a date? Oh God, I am so stupid!

Why did I just say that?

I think that you're very attractive, and I would just

crack like a Fortune Cookie, if I didn't out and say it, so...

There, I said it.

You think... I'm attractive?

Really?

Cha Ming Dao.

Um... I thought maybe we could go see a movie, later.

But I looked the paper, and it's just all horror and talking monkeys, so...

I rented something. I hope you don't think I'm...

...presumptuous.

Okay. What is it about?

Texas Pixies.

So do you have a DVD player, cos I thought maybe we go up to your place,

all I have is a VHS.

I am sorry. You're going a little too fast for me.

That... that does really seem calculated.

No, no! I mean, you're talking a little too fast for me!

I couldn't understand what you were saying!

I was just asking if you have a DVD player?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Okay, so then after this, we could just go to your place.

Babes, or bugs!

You can't have both!

Actually, it's a kind of a mess over there.

And my landlady, she is very...

Oh, sure, what the heck?

We can go to my place.

Lady bug has my back.

Watch your step.

This building is really cool.

My place is a total cockroach factory, compared to this.

Well, Ms Beasley keeps a pretty clean place around here.

Betty, you little brat.

I'm not Betty, I am lady bug.

- I am sorry. - Give me some skin.

Misty, this is my friend, the lady bug.

Oh, cool.

Are you a fairy?

No, but I love fairies!

Betty, it's time for bed.

Hello, Lana.

Good evening, Miss Teeter.

Oh, you have a beautiful daughter, ma'am.

It's her granddaughter.

Good line, Misty. Very good line.

Wow! This is Snugsville!

Yeah.

Cool!

Is that the bedroom?

Don't go in there!

Don't go in there.

I didn't mean anything by it.

No, I just... I don't... I just...

- Would you like a drink? - Yeah. Yes, oh yeah. Thank you.

I don't really have anything to mix with it.

It's okay. Thank you, Ida.

Is this... the most boring first date ever?

Why are you calling me?

Just wanted to hear how your hot day went.

I had a pretty important date in the shower in the morning...

It is still going, and it is boiling, and she is here, and we are watching a movie.

You get rid of the bugs?

Yes.

Really?

Wow, I don't think you'd ever.

Where did you put them?

In the bedroom.

Ida, the idea was to get her into the bedroom. What the hell were you thinking?

Dammit! I wasn't thinking!

I didn't know that she would be so easy!

I mean, not that she is, you know, easy, but...

I like her, she likes me...

Oh shit! Oh shit, shit, shit!

- Ida! - Max!

- Ida - What do I do?

Breathe deeply.

Listen to me. Go in there, and make your move.

But don't let her see the bugs!

Alright, call me in the morning.

Take a shower in 6:00...

Are you cold? I have some...

Where am I?

Oops!

Are you tucking me in? It's so sweet!

Um... Are you okay to drive?

You want me to go?

No! No.

I... don't want you to go.

I can stay?

You'd probably need pajamas... and um... privacy, so...

I'm just... gonna um...

I don't... need pajamas...

or privacy.

Come here.

Yeah. Come here.

Am I... being too aggressive?

No, but... let's just be tender.

Oh... my... gosh.

What is this?

I'm sorry. I am going to get rid of them.

Isn't it Lucanus elaphus? From Thailand?

You know about stag beetles?

Not, not really, but my dad was the bigwig bug professor at the college,

up until a year ago, when he decided

he need get away for weeks, he found out...

Your father is professor Malcolm Wolf?

He was my favorite professor in college. I learned so much from him.

Wow! What a coincidence!

How is he do...?

Wait a minute. You told me your last name was...

Mama was a hippie. She gave me my own last name.

So... You are not bothered by them?

Some people are... bothered by them.

No. Hey, when I said this place was Snugsville?

I guess it's really bugsville!

I love it.

Looks like one of your babies got lose.

Damn it!

Mick.

You wouldn't wanna help me look for him, would you?

I mean... we would have to be careful, it's kind of aggressive, but...

If you want to, we could...

I am so sorry. Are you alright?

I didn't hit you that hard, did I?

No, I just feel a little weak.

I guess I'm paying for all that whiskey I drank.

You should lay down.

Doesn't feel like you have a fever.

You really give a shit?

What?

Do you really care about me, Ida?

Yes. Yes, I do.

You make me feel like, myself.

Hey, what's wrong, sweetie?

Nothing. Now that I finally have you.

This is absurd, no insect looks like this!

I'm telling you. That is what it looks like! Exactly!

Okay, bring it in! Prove it.

Umm. I can't.

It kind of got lose, and now we can't find it.

We?

Who drew these?

I described it to Misty, and she drew them for me!

She is a such a great artist!

Misty, Misty, Misty.

You sound like you're in love.

Yeah! I kind of vamp!

So?

Just take it easy.

You gotta read Martin Moore.

What?

I want to spend every minute I possibly can with this person,

and you're telling me take it easy?

Look, I am glad to see you getting some action from something beside mantids.

But you might want to take it easy, kiddo.

Women can drain your vital juices.

And not just the sex ones either.

Max! You are worse than a high-school chick sometimes.

What?

We will take it at our own pace, if that is fine with you.

And your juices.

Welcome home!

Oh! Are you alright, sweet stuff? Are you still not feeling well?

I'm okay.

You know... we haven't exactly been sleeping a lot these last few nights.

It's true.

Let's get you settled in.

Betty, no!

Sure about this?

Sure it's not too fast?

I have never been so sure about anything in my life, Misty.

I kind of love you!

You have no idea how long I have been waiting to hear you say that!

No one's ever loved me before.

It feels so... I don't know!

Like... something inside is... telling me that I need to be here.

Right here, right now...

with you.

I feel it too.

I couldn't catch him.

Hey! What's wrong, Grandma?

Stevee. Stevee!

LOST DOG

Here you are this whole time, nesting in a pillow?

Mama Ida is gonna be stilt you're okay.

What is it?

The mystery man from Brazil, who sent me that unclassified insect.

He wrote me a letter.

I think he is kind of a kook.

What do you mean?

Well, he seems to think that that weird bug

he sent me is dangerous.

Venomous, maybe.

He's crazy. Who wrote this?

He doesn't identify himself.

But, it's strange. There's an apologetic tone to the letter,

like... like he intentionally kept this information

from me when he sent me the package,

and then thought better of it.

And what's weirder, is I think I know this guy.

I mean, he writes like he knows me!

But, I just can't... call him up for some reason.

Juices, juices, juices.

Shut up! I'm serious!

An insect that hunts and kills mammals?

Come on, there's no such thing!

There's a dog that's missing in my building!

And that bug is lose in there, somewhere!

And what's funny, it's that same little pooch was messing with him

when I found him on my door step.

So, not only does he hunts warm- blooded animals, he holds grudges?

He? No, no, no.

See, that's the other weird thing.

I couldn't tell if he was male or female.

Oh, that's easy, all you have to do is lift up his little...

He doesn't have one.

Malcolm Wolf!

Woh! Where did you come from?

I heard you coming up the stairs.

Miss Teeter!

Are they kissing, Grandma?

I'd like to have a word with you, Miss Teeter.

Hey Ida, can I have a kiss too?

You! You... you think that's funny?

Hey! I want a kiss too!

Now, you two... you two you two...

You two... you two... you two!

- Hey, I think we just broke her, Ida! - Misty! Please!

- Now, Miss Beasley , I'm sorry, but... - Shut your mouth, you.. you...

you... you... you!

What you stuck on a hard for the alphabet or something?

Misty, what is wrong with you?

Now, Miss Beasley, I know you probably don't approve of us.

But it is our right.

Right? Let me tell you something, Miss Teeter.

Since you don't have enough decency to close your doors or windows,

I've heard you two...

I've seen you two!

Are you saying it's your right to pollute the mind of my little grand-daughter?

You know she looks up to you. Has stars in her eyes for you!

And all this time, you must have been...

you must have been looking at her like she was a little piece of meat!

Now wait just a goddamn minute, Lana!

- How dare you? - And I've had complaints.

Complaints about your little pets!

Seems one of them got lose, and now we have a missing dog.

I saw the... the filthy thing. It ran right across my feet!

They're hearing it crawling in the walls, Miss Teeter!

Yes, okay. Jeeze. I am missing one specimen.

But that has nothing to do with the...

The fact that the old bag doesn't like clam lickers?

Don't you try making trouble for me, you party mouth little shitz!

I want you out here in 14 days!

Out!

Give me some skin, Ida!

Ow Grandma, ow.

- Lana, don't do that! - 7 days!

I want you, you... deviants out of here in 7 goddamn days!

Wow! Somebody needs to get laid.

Are you okay, sweetie?

How could you stand there and laugh and make jokes,

while that awful woman was saying those things!

I am sorry. I didn't mean to agitate the situation.

And I certainly didn't mean to make you cry.

Well, I am crying, damn it!

Oh, God!

It's bad enough she was saying those things about us, but Betty...

Oh jeeze, Betty!

- You were laughing! - So, I was laughing!

Big fat fucking deal, Ida!

You are such a baby!

I stand here all the day, washing your dirty underwear,

doing your dish, and feeding your stupid fucking bugs!

And you're trying give me shit?

You've that cunt down the hall, the one's you should be mad at, not me, Ida, goddamn!

Misty, I... I just... I am sorry. I...

You ungrateful whiny little bitch!

I should rip your fucking eyes out, for talking to me like that!

Fuck! Shit! I like fucking try... fuck!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Wake up.

There you go, wake up.

I'm sorry about all of this.

But I really need to talk to you about your...

I just had the most strangest, most beautiful dream.

I dreamt that I was a little fairy, lying on a lily pad,

and then this beautiful giant bug landed on me,

and he held my arms over, my head,

and he pierced my belly with his proboscis.

And then I just laid there, as... he poured me full his juices.

What do you think it means?

Maybe the bug symbolizes me.

I think it's about my dad.

He never really approved of me.

Don't do that!

We like it dark in here.

We?

Hello?

Hey! Got another letter from your man in Brazil.

What is wrong?

I... just having problems at home.

You see, I told you! Once they moved in,

they just completely transform into something else!

Max, that's enough!

I'm gonna come in there right now, okay?

I am worried that... maybe... Shit! I'll just tell you when I get there!

Hey, mind if I open this...? It seems like a real kick in the crotch.

Um...

Are you gonna be okay for about an hour?

You gotta see this!

Your homie from Brazil got quite a sense humor!

He's even done illustrations!

Check this out.

This insect is known to be inhabit the nest of birds and other small animals

where it behaves like a parasite.

Inserting its proboscis and drinking the animals' blood,

replacing what it takes with a unique toxin.

Wait, there's more.

This toxin the bug injects, is a protein,

which once its find its way into the bloodstream, causes mutations.

It's not even physiologically possible!

You can't mix an exoskeleton with an endoskeleton!

This is the best part.

This protein invades the host DNA,

and the bird is impregnated with the insect's young!

I think this one is actually pretty good.

You're alright?

I think Misty got bit!

You're yanking my chicken, right?

Why don't you like me, Miss Beasley?

Do you really want to know, dear?

Yes. I really want to know, dear!

I don't like you, because I think that you are perverse!

You, your lady-friend, and your disgusting little pets!

I don't want scum like you within a mile of my granddaughter!

- She is a good girl, and I don't want her exposed to a couple of...

Dykes? Lesbos? Bus bumpers. Is that what you're trying to say?

You're afraid your precious little lady bug, she's gonna grow up one day,

she's gonna like other lady bugs? Hmm?

Or maybe we're gonna infect her with some kind of pussy eating virus?

- Is that's it? - You are just foul, young lady!

You're a monster!

You are right. I'm sorry, daddy!

What? Daddy?

What's wrong with you?

Grandma? Can I have my cream sandwich, now?

Grandma?

Baby? Baby?

My God, Misty. What happened?

Old bag fell down the stairs!

Misty! Could you just leave us alone for a minute, please?

Yeah, I'm kind of tired anyway,

so I'm gonna go hit the sack, if that's okay with you.

Thanks.

Please be able to call, please be able to call...

Hello?

Max, can you come over right away, please?

Something terrible has happened!

- Are you okay? - I'll explain it to you when you get here.

I'm there!

Do you want to join me?

There's nothing wrong with me.

And I guess we wouldn't have to move either with old Beasley gone, eh!

The woman is dead, Misty!

That's terrible!

I think the bug bit you!

Have you seen it?

The bug? Which one, Ida?

You've got 'em all over this flipping place, lover!

You know what bug I'm talking about, Misty.

You've been hiding it, haven't you?

Okay. You got me!

It's in your pillow.

Well, it's a cute little guy, too!

Misty? It's infected you!

You don't understand, Ida.

He hasn't infected me at all!

- In fact ... - Listen to me!

Misty, your father... he sent it to me, I don't know why! But he did.

I know why he sent it to you, Ida.

Why? You know?

He sent you the bug so that it will bite you, and infects you,

and makes you go fucking crazy!

He wanted me to be repulsed by you!

Because he know I was in love with you!

- But... I got the package before... - I've loved you for years, Ida!

I used to come to Daddy's classes, and I would just stare at you,

and draw you, for hours.

I've always loved you, Ida!

But it's okay, because I still have you! And...

Ida!

Today, is the day.

I felt them kicking all night long!

You gonna beat me?

I can't believe you're gonna beat me. I got in mine the first, you know.

Do you think it will be a boy, or a girl?

Oh! Probably a few hundred of each.

You know, we should send daddy a few hundred cigars.