All language subtitles for Madness.in.the.Method.2019.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTG_track3_[eng]

Lucky, it's how my life
feels sometimes.

Like it isn't mine

but some fucked-up
alternate reality.

I'm a lucky man.

You think I don't realize that.

First time I killed,
name was Eddie.

Can't forget the look
in his eyes.

Fear.

Hadn't seen anything
like it before.

Pure fear.

He would have done anything
to live.

But I had the gun

and Cicero gave the order.

Eddie's luck had run out.

Guess I'm the lucky one.

Jason, thank you.

That was
a really strong performance.

You got me.

Right here.

I've gotta say, Jay--

Um, oh,
do you mind if I call you "Jay"?

Sure.

Jason, I was wondering is--
was that on the script

that we sent you?

Uh, yeah, look, it's right here.

You see, you were reading the--
the character

of Hank's dialogue.

Yeah, yeah, I know that.

Well, we kind of saw you more
for Tommy.

Tommy?

Hank's uh, stoner buddy.

The fun guy.

I know who Tommy is, but--

Dude, it's the perfect role
for you, bro.

I mean we loved you in Clerks.

And Clerks II.

Loved you.

ANTHONY:
Loved you.

Come on, dude,

pooch
to the doochilly moochilly.

Snooch to the-- ugh.

Sam Lennox.

Excuse me?

The Golden Rocket.

Yeah, I know Sam Lennox.

I've got a hockey stick back
at my place

signed
by the Golden Rocket himself.

It's one of my most
prized possessions.

That man could hit a slap shot
like no motherfucker alive.

Rest of his game
wasn't up to much,

but that slap shot...

Pow!

He built a career
for doing one thing incredibly.

And the man is a fucking legend.

You might wanna think
about that, mate.

You know, I do every time I see
that stick on my wall.

You let us know about the part.

JAY:
I'll let you know.

All my details are on here.

You get in touch anytime,
day or night.

Will do, thanks.

ANTHONY:
Jay.

Pow!

Mewes!

Jay Mewes?

What's up, man?

Dude, can I get a picture
with you, huh?

Sure, yeah, sure, of course.

Oh man, you're a fucking legend.

I can't believe you are
still alive, bro.

Thanks, yeah, thanks for that.

Dude, you guys should do another
Jay and Silent Bobmovie.

Um, yeah, it's up to Kevin.

This is awesome, thanks, man.

No problem, yeah.

JAY:
Hey, I'm Jason Mewes

and I grew up in a small town
called "Highlands", New Jersey.

You could say I was
that mischievous kid

known around the town,

but the truth is my childhood
was kind of fucked up.

My mom used to drive around

and have me steal
from mail boxes.

She was single, three kids,
no money, no job.

Well,
at least not a taxable one.

Oh, and did I mention
she was addicted to drugs?

Guess a shrink
would tell you

that part kind of becomes
relevant later on.

The drugs killed my mom,

but that's not the story
I'm here to tell.

Not today anyway.

I wanna talk about a dude
named "Kevin Smith".

This motherfucker
changed my life.

He didn't really wanna hang out
with me when he first met me,

but I would not leave it alone,
man,

until finally
he started finding me funny.

Before you know it
we're hanging out all the time,

reading comic books and stuff.

Inseparable!

But I'm getting a little ahead
of myself here.

I started working in New Jersey
as a roofer

while Kevin had this crazy idea
he could be making movies.

So he went off to film school.

Next thing I know
Kevin quits film school

and he's using
all his credit cards

to make his own movie.

Some madness about clerks.

And thus Jay and Silent Bob
were born.

I'm Jay and this is
my hetero life mate Silent Bob.

I am the clit commander.

♪ 15 bucks, little man ♪

♪ Put that shit in my hand ♪

Justice!

Thank you for your contribution,
Claire.

Thank you for the chip in.

I know it doesn't seem like it
right now, but--

- It's gonna get better.

You just have to be brave
and hang in there.

Thank you.

Yeah,
everyone thinks I'm a gangster,

because of the roles I play,
Jay, you know?

You're Vinnie Jones,
you're a fricking badass.

I mean you're a soccer star
turned movie star.

I mean who does that?

No one, Jay.

No one fucking does that.

JAY:
Hmm.

- VINNIE: I ever show you that.
- What?

You want me to work the nipples
while I cup the balls?

No, I fucking don't.

No, where did you get that?
I've never seen that.

Back in the manor,

older lads held me down,
carved Big Ben in me chest.

They didn't do a bad job,
it's pretty good.

You know, Jay, life's not a walk
in the park, mate.

Could have been very different
for you and me.

That's very true.

You know,
whenever I get negative

I always have a look
in the mirror,

I look at the scar,
the clock,

- you know what I mean?
- Hmm.

Brings it all,
keeps me grounded.

Fuck my balls, it's you!

Is the fat one nearby?

He's probably at home.

Hey, mate,
have you got a fat boy for me?

A fat boy?

Not what you're thinking, ugh!

Oh, you beauty!

Believe me, sir,
you could attack Russia

with this mother bitch.

- I might try it, mate,
- Please, be careful,

the health and safety record
is not--

Cool, it's cool.

It's for my mate,
it's his birthday next week,

he loves this shit.

Motherfucker!

What's the matter?

This motherfucker on eBay,
man.

You're buying stuff
behind the Missus' back again?

This is number 69,
Hardwyre Hactivist.

I want this so bad, Vinnie,
it makes my balls burn.

You can get cream for that,
you know, son?

How much you paying
for this fucking thing?

Way too much, man.

If I meet this motherfucker,

I'm gonna make him eat his dog
and phone.

VINNIE:
It's dog and bone, you prat.

- What?
- Dog and bone

is Cockney rhyming slang
for phone.

Dog and bone, phone,
you fucking muppet.

Wait,
what does muppet rhyme with?

Nothing!

You are the muppet!

JAY:
I appreciate this so much, Vin.

The podcast is
an hour's drive away

and I can't be late for Kevin.

I will obey every traffic law,
I will go the speed limit.

You get pulled over,

you're gonna be
in jail all night,

then I'm gonna have to come
and bail you out.

Well, my licence is suspended,
I can't rent a car.

It's for one night.

I won't tell if you don't tell.

You break it, you buy it.

KEVIN:
Oh my God, I look so old.

God damn it, I hate it, man.

I look like my father
fucked my grandmother

and had me as a baby.

That's what I'm gonna talk about
tonight on the show.

You might wanna lighten up
a little bit,

you're so fucking bummed.

What's the matter,
little boy blue?

It's nothing, it's...

Oh, today was the audition,
wasn't it?

Didn't work out.

They just wanted you to be Jay,
right?

Their casting director
is an asshole.

I just don't understand
why they can't consider me

for a serious role.

They don't necessarily think
of you as an acteur,

like the moment you walk
into the room

and that's honestly,
probably my fault,

'cause I've made you
this character.

No, I don't think
it's your fault.

You lettin' me off the hook.

Good, 'cause I always thought
it was your fault,

because I based the character
on who you were

when you were a kid.

So technically, you dug
your own fucking grave.

Fuck you, Moves,

I just wanna be taken serious
for once.

Why don't you ask O'Halloran,
he's making a movie.

Brian O'Halloran is directing?

He submitted a script
to the studio,

they went apeshit,
they fucking bought it,

and they're letting him direct.

Um, The Odyssey.

No way, The Odyssey.

I read that
while we were doing Dogma

and we talked about it
a million times.

Dude, I'm like perfect
for the lead.

Oh, okay.

Well, look,
I think the main character

is very much like you.

Whether or not you should
play the lead,

that's a whole
different discussion.

Can you talk to him for me?

It will sound better coming
from you.

I-- I don't wanna get involved.

I don't want
to call Brian O'Halloran.

You know what happens
when you call Brian O'Halloran.

"Hey, man, pussy, man."

He talks about pussy
for like two hours and shit.

I'm 46,
I'm done talking about that.

Here's what you need to do.

You gotta drop science
on the fools.

You can't just walk into a room

and be like
"Snooch to the nooch."

They've seen that shit, man.

Jay and silly Bill are over.

What they want out of an actor
walk in to the room,

it's commanding presence, man.

Walk in there
like you're the authority

and drop some method
on their asses.

Method?

Alright,
fucking Daniel Day-Lewis

in My Left Foot,
remember that shit?

No.

Alright, Suicide Squad.

- Remember Jared Leto?
- Yes.

While they're making that movie,

there were all these stories
in the press

about he was going method on it.

He was trying to get
into the heart and soul

of that character.

That's what method is.

Method is when an actor,
such as yourself,

just immerses themselves,

puts their head
straight up the ass

of whatever character it is
they are playing.

Leto stuck his head
right up the Joker's ass.

Even when he wasn't on camera,

he was still
in the Joker mindset.

And as we saw from that movie,
it doesn't always work.

But like-- like Daniel Day-Lewis
made it work

in My Left Foot,
motherfucker is in a wheelchair

for like 26 years prepping
for that role

and shit like that.

I don't understand a word
you're fucking saying.

Matt Damon once told me
about it.

I didn't get it.

He explained it to me
and he explained it thusly,

he said, "Read a book."

He goes, "Read this book."

And I'm gonna text you the name
of this fucking book.

"Read this book," he tells me,
"And I swear to you

not only will you understand
method acting,

but you yourself
will become a better director."

And I never fucking read it.

You know who did?
Ben.

And he won an Oscar.

Is it there?
Did it pop up?

Yeah, it popped up.

You're the sweetest
fucking person

I know in this world, honestly.

Look, you've got
a $1,000,000 heart.

Nickel-head, but
a $1,000,000 heart, man.

Very few people like you
in the world, man.

Sweethearts get killed
in this business.

You've got to be a badass, dude.

You gotta go into a room,
be the motherfucking boss.

The boss?

The motherfucking boss!

SINGER:

One up.

There is the song, brother.
The song.

We gotta do our exercises, man.

Okay, ready for this?

- Lion face.

Roar!

Lemon face.

- Lion face.

Dick-sucking face.

- KEVIN: Now, we good.
- Yeah!

- KEVIN: Let's go do this.
- Yeah.

KEVIN:
Go get 'em, man, go get 'em.

- Yeah, boy, yeah!

Hold on, hold on, give it.

- Give me a hug.
- JAY: Oh.

- I love you, bro.

Be funny, make me laugh.
Make me laugh!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

FERNANDO:
George, you asshole,
you call yourself security.

I told you I don't wanna see
that Latina girl

or any girl for that matter!

It-- it-- it-- it's me.

I-- I-- I talked to you online
about the method acting book.

FERNANDO:
Is there anyone else around?

No.
No, it's just me.

Hello?

FERNANDO:
Snooch
to the motherfucking nooch.

I can't believe it's really you.

Wait a second,
do we know each other?

♪ 15 bucks, little man ♪

♪ Put the shit in my hand ♪

FERNANDO AND

♪ Then you owe me, owe me, owe ♪

♪ If that money doesn't show ♪

♪ Then you owe me, owe me ♪

♪ Owe ♪

Do not fall in love with me.

Wait, what-- what do you mean?
I mean...

What are you doing in my house?

Oh, I came here
to purchase the book, so...

You wanna die, Snoogans Boy!

What tha-- uh, sir, I'm just--

My name is Fernando Villareal.

I-- uh, uh, uh...

JAY:
Oh, yeah.

I'm just messing with you.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, man.

I've seen all your movies.

JAY:
Thanks.

You thought I'd shoot you
for real, huh?

Well, I uh, I've--

Thought you were messing
with me,

Mr. Thingything.

I'll see if I shoot you
with uh, chief of police's gun.

What the fuck?

Listen to me very carefully,
Mewes.

I cannot let this book go just
to anyone.

It is the only one in existence.

You have to read it slowly.

You can't mainline it.

Cut it up with other books.

Get some Chaucer, Dickens in you
at the same time.

Uh, Dickens uh--

Once you read the book,
you can't unread it.

It is not a guide
to successful acting,

it is a guide to life.

JAY:
Carrie, baby, you home?

Come on, motherfucker.

Oh, hey, baby.

Where you been?

Just out with some girlfriends.

Oh!

What's that?

It's Vinnie's.

You brought Vinnie's bomb
into the house?

No, no, it's not a bomb,
it's a fat boy.

Alright, I'll get the bomb--

Out of the house.

I tried to call you earlier.

Did you fix the roof today?

You do know what this means,
don't you?

Jay's been a bad Jay.

And what happens when Jay's been
a very bad Jay?

I am the clit commander.

Oh!

Command my clit, commander.

Snoochie boochie!

CARRIE:
Oh, command my clit, commander.

Feel the anger.

Feel it for real.

Fuck!

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

What?

What mother...

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

- Snoochie boochies.

- Snoochie boochies.
- JAY: So much shit.

- Snoochie boochies.
- JAY: Fuck.

Welcome to moviestarrating.com.

Type in your favourite film star

to find out their rating
on our charts

and thus
their current importance

to the movie business.

I'm sorry.

There's no current news
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Perhaps you spelled it
incorrectly.

JAY:
What the hell?

Fuck you.

Time for drastic action.

I'll show 'em crazy.

Hollywood wants
something drastic.

Scare 'em for real.

That's right.

Give me that method.

Method!

What the fuck?

- Yes, Jason?
- Hey, motherfucker--

- Whoa!
- Fuck.

You don't think I'm good enough
for your piece-of-shit movie,

- huh?
- I didn't fucking say-- shit.

- Whoa, whoa whoa, whoa.

Jay--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You think you know me, bitch?

You don't know me.

Jay, Jay, whoa!

- Whoa!
- Pow, bitch!

Whoa, oh!

It was just a misunderstanding!

Oh, you motherfucker!

Where the fuck are you?

Where the fuck?

JAY:
Shit, the keys.

JAY:
Fuck, where is he?

Shit, Jason, don't be stupid.

ANTHONY:
Oh, motherfucker!

You, motherfucker!

Pow!

Oh shit!
Be calm.

Get this out of the way
and breathe.

Hazards.

Reverse.

I got this.

Oh.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Oof, okay.

Phew!

You cool, bro?

I think I might've nicked you
with the car there.

Anthony?

Bro?

Okay.

Okay, Jason Mewes,
you got this, man.

Okay, method this.

You got this.

Come on.

Oops, sorry about that.

Alright.

JAY:
Oh shit!

Not cool, bro.

He didn't see me, man.

I do yoga.

Fuck, he might've saw me.

What the fuck!

Fuck!

He might've fucking saw me,
shit.

Nah, he didn't see me.

He couldn't have seen me.

I was like this.

Like this.

He might have saw me.

Nah, he didn't see me,
I'm too fucking good.

Shit.

Shit.

Jay, what the fucking hell
are you doing?

Uh--
I was just returning your car.

I mean I--

Why couldn't you wait
till the morning?

I just thought you needed
the car back early, right?

- So...
- No, I don't need it early.

I'm sorry, bro, I just--

I just wanted
to make sure you had it--

Do you want a lift?

No, no, I'm gonna walk, the la--

Stay here if you want.

No, it's like my old lady
wants me home,

like do the like cuddling
and stuff.

Plus,
she has me on this diet thing,

she thinks I'm getting fat,
so I'll walk.

- Oh!
- It's fine.

Thank you.

Fucking muppet.

Fuck that.

♪ Shh ♪

♪ Shh ♪

♪ It's oh so quiet ♪

♪ Shh, shh ♪

♪ It's oh so still ♪

Pow, bitch!

♪ Shh, shh ♪

♪ You're all alone ♪

♪ Shh, shh ♪

♪ And so peaceful until ♪

♪ You fall in love ♪

♪ Zing boom ♪

♪ The sky up above ♪

♪ Zing boom ♪

♪ Is caving in ♪

♪ Wow, bam ♪

♪ You've never been so nuts
about a guy ♪

♪ You wanna laugh,
you wanna cry ♪

♪ You cross your heart
and hope to die ♪

CARRIE:
Jason.

- Jason, Jason!
- Huh?

Something's happened to Vinnie.

- Vinnie?
- Listen.

Early hours of the morning,
Mr. Jones,

the well-known British sports
and movie star

was taken into custody.

Our sources report
that the charge is homicide.

Jones has a reputation
on the soccer field

for grabbing genitalia
and for his big hard tackles.

That'll be the press.

They know you guys were friends.

Mr. Jason Mewes,
I should have known.

Excuse me?

I need to ask you
a few questions

regarding a homicide
that happened

in the Hollywood Hills
last night.

A homicide,
I can't help you with that,

I've been home here
the whole night.

- You need to stop resisting.
- But, wait a second.

I'm not resisting,
I'm just saying

that I don't know anything
about a homicide--

- Suspect is resisting!

You have the right
to remain silent.

Does the name Anthony Costalino
ring a bell?

No.

He was murdered outside
of his home last night

in an apparent hit-and-run.

Uh, I'm s-- sorry to hear that.

We have reason to believe
that there was an altercation

that took place inside
of his home prior to the murder.

Um, with all due respect,
officer--

Detective.

What does that have to do
with me?

Vinnie Jones' car was confirmed

- as the hit-and-run vehicle.
- What?

The neighbor was able
to write down the plates

right before the car sped off.

We found fragments of brain
and skull--

- Buddy?
- All up in the grill.

I guess the uh, murderer forgot
to clean that up, didn't he?

Well, what does Vinnie have
to say about it?

It's like I'm going off
my fucking head.

Vinnie is adamantly denying
all charges.

And the witness?

We were lucky the witness
said anything--

Oh!
Oh my God!

He's a bit traumatized
by the situation,

but the doctor said
that he'll be back in a week

and we'll be having
a nice little chit chat with him

about exactly what happened
that night.

He-- he probably would have
blurted something out

when he gave you the plates,
right?

So he probably
doesn't know anything.

Do you recognize this,
Mr. Mewes?

This is my wallet,
I've been looking for that.

We found it in the back
of Mr. Jones' car.

You know what, actually,
I was in the supermarket.

He-- he drove me
to the supermarket yesterday

and I think I must have
dropped it in there.

- I mean...
- And you were driving the car?

No, no, no, Vinnie dropped me.

Because you are not allowed
to drive,

are you, Mr. Mewes?

I can drive starting today.

You lost your license
for speeding.

Finding a wallet
in the back seat

of a friend's car
is enough reason

to charge someone for murder?

Should we arrest you for murder?

Isn't that why I'm here?

You are here, because you were
resisting arrest

and you showed
extreme aggression

towards detective Peterson
and myself.

You're not pressing charges.

No.

But, Mr. Mewes,
don't go far now.

JAY:
Hopefully not.

Is uh, Vinnie allowed
to have visitors?

You've gotta to go
and get me out of here.

You gotta spring me.

And I'll be in the cell?

I'm-- I'm going insane here.

This is getting deeper
and deeper in the shit.

Yeah, mate.

Give us five minutes,
will you leave?

Pleased to see you, mate.

They brought me down, too.

They found my wallet
in your car.

I know they did,
but I didn't give 'em your name.

Plenty of things I am.

One thing I ain't is
a fucking grass.

But I'm sorry
to have to ask this.

No,
I know what you're gonna say.

You have anything
to do with this at all?

Man, I swear I do not.

I don't know what--
what's going on here.

I'm embarrassed
to fucking say it.

You ever met this geezer,
Anthony Costalino?

Um, never.

You never saw anyone around

when you dropped the car off,
did you?

Any little detail that could
help me out a little bit

and-- Jay.

Jay?
Anything.

No, I didn't see anything,
you know?

Nothing at all.

It's gotta be something
I'd done years ago

and they've got the beef
about it.

Seriously?

Trying to stitch me right up.

They found the idiot's blood
on the door fucking mat.

I've put me hands up
loads of times.

Fucking do the crime,
you do the time, and that's it.

I've got nothing
to do with this, Jay,

you know that.

You know-- you know what?

I'm gonna fix this, bro.

I'm gonna get you out.

What do you mean you'll fix it?

How can you fix it?

Just sit tight.

What do you mean sit tight?

Jay!

Jay!

Can I speak
to Detective Arnold, please?

And what is it concerning?

It's
about the Vinnie Jones murder.

One moment please.

Hi, Geena, I've--

GEENA:
I know you got arrested
for murder

or something like that.

Are you out yet?

Because if you're not,
whatever you are doing

is not as important
as this right now.

And even if you are
still under arrest,

you need to escape.

Eva Campbell from
Haw fucking thorn productions,

- she wants you to come in.
- Hawthorn?

They just turned me down
for a role last month.

Oliver Radburn
just called in sick,

first day of the shoot.

Is he alright?

Oh, who the hell knows?

The producer saw you
getting arrested

on TV this morning.

Thinks you fit
in the role perfectly,

but you gotta make it in there
right now.

Eva says they are holding
the entire production.

They are sitting around wasting
thousands of dollars an hour.

This is the film business.

You don't waste
that kind of money--

Ain't the fucking '90s.

They're desperate!

Is there many lines?

Eva is going crazy.

She says this part is
a game-changer,

a career-changer.

Could steal the entire movie.

You're looking
at a guaranteed theatrical.

This is gonna slam you
right where you wanna be.

Opportunities don't drop
in your lap like this.

It's a perfect storm,
you son of a bitch,

so don't fuck this up.

Get your ass over there

and try not to kill anybody
on the way.

Jesus, Geena!

GEENA:
What?
Too soon?

Oh God, you can't take a joke.

Alright, well,
just get your ass down there,

Alright, Jason?

Jason?

Oh, come on, Jason.

- You wanna see me?
- GEENA: Are you there?

Jason!

Yeah, I, uh--

GEENA:
Jay!

- I, uh--
- Drop in your lap.

Career-changer.

Eva Campbell.

Opportunities.

Steal the entire movie.

Don't fuck this up.

Yeah, I wanted to make sure
there is no bad blood

between the two of us
and I was just gonna say

if I can be
of any further assistance,

just please give me a call.

And I hope
you find the real killer.

Thanks.

NEWS REPORTER 1:
Mr. Mewes!

Mr. Jay!

Hello, David.

Have you ever tried acupuncture?

You see what's really amazing is
if you stab right here--

You feel the pain simultaneously
in your feet.

ZACH:
Cut! Cut!

For God's sake, cut.

Put the light on.

Okay, lights up, please.

Jason,

darling, that was
absolutely spellbinding.

Thank you.

Uh, oh,
are you doing your method there?

Sorry.

Uh, I'll give you a moment.

Harold, darling,
I believed your pain,

but you forgot your cue
at the end, darling.

Um, passing out, remember?

Oh, you believed
my fucking pain,

'cause I'm in fucking agony.

I told you that blade
is too sharp.

ZACH:
May I see the blade, please?

That bastard Mewes' role.

Uh, he's-- he's enjoying this.

I could see it in his eyes.

Oh, for God's sakes, Harold.

Man up, the blade's
not that bloody sharp.

Lunch, everybody.

Lunch, everybody!

That's lunch.

Right, I spent
three fucking years at RADA...

Fucking silent,
fucking Sponge Bob thinks

he's fucking Robert De Niro.

Mr. Jason Mewes!

A word please, sir.

That was a very impressive
performance young man,

very impressive.

Thank you, sir.

I can see
that look in your eyes.

It's green,
it's fucking dynamite.

No more Snoogans for you,
no, sir.

This whole method thing
suits you very well.

It brings out all
of your darkness.

Oh yes.

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

JAY:
I am the clit commander.

Jason Mewes is back.

Straight after getting arrested,

Mewes landed a role
on Acupuncture Killer

and the producers are--

BRIAN:
I'm not even supposed
to be here right now.

Rumors are flying
all over Hollywood

about who Brian O'Halloran
is going to cast

in his movie The Odyssey,

which is due
to start filming very soon.

O'Halloran, fucker.

BRIAN:
This is Brian O'Halloran.

Clearly, I'm not supposed
to be here right now.

So leave me a message
after the beep.

Stan tea, please.

Hey, can you please uh,
maybe give me a call back

or answer your phone?

Thanks, brother.

Fucker, man!

He's-- track you down
and kick that ass.

Oh shit.
Oh shit.

DEAN:
Jay, it's me.

DEAN:
It's me, Jason.

Me?
Who-- who's me?

- It's Dean.
- Dean Cain, whoa!

Dude, no!
Sh-- shut up.

If I get caught out here,
I'm gonna be signing shit

for a month.

Okay, you have no idea how fast
these fuckers mobilize.

Yeah, dude,
it's great to see you, cuz,

but I don't think anyone cares,
brother.

I broke this fucking kid's heart
yesterday,

because I couldn't fly.

You can't fly?

He wanted me to take off
right then and there.

- Seriously?
- I shit you not.

But it's pretty cool, dude,

you have cemented yourself
into history.

You played fucking Superman.

I could negotiate peace
in the Middle East

whilst unifying Korea
into one single harmonious state

and figure out who shot JFK.

And guess what they'd wanna
fucking talk to me about?

That is sort of a bummer.

I seem 'em in my dreams.

The fan boys,
they are everywhere.

I can't escape
even when I'm asleep.

I'm gonna get shot one day

and you know
what the last thing is

that I'm gonna see?

Um, Zod?

It's gonna be
the disappointed face

of some fanatic

who is absolutely astounded
that I can't stop a bullet.

Bullets, they fucking pierce me,
Jason.

Fuck!

So I hear
you've been busy lately.

Yeah, dude, I just had
this sweet gig, man, that's--

That's-- that's not
what I'm talking about.

- Arrested.
- Oh.

How's that working out for you?

Really good, bro.

I'm telling you like people
have seen me

- in a whole different way.
- That's good, that's good.

What have you got lined up next?

Uh, nothing right now, but--

Jason, you have to hit now
while the iron is hot, man.

You need
to capitalize right now,

get the roles
while you're benefiting

from the extra profile.

I'm actually trying to get this
script right now, right?

- It's written by Brian O'--
- O'Halloran.

- Yeah, right.
- You know it?

Dude, everybody knows it.

It's the talk of the town.

They're already scheduling it
for an Oscar seasons release.

Is-- is O'Halloran--
is he gonna hook you up?

Well, I mean I'm hoping
that he's gonna hook me up

with the lead.

But wait, did you say Oscars,
bro?

You--

- What?
- Have you been behaving, Jason.

Of course, I am.

You're not back on the--
I mean, you know?

No! No.

Studio picture?

You fucking kidding me?

You think the studio
is gonna offer you the lead

in an Oscar hopeful?

Even if O'Halloran really goes
to bat for you,

you still gotta get arrested
again for the extra headlines.

Wait, what?

Even if O'Halloran--

No, no, no,
about the arrest thing.

- Where do we--
- Hey!

- Can I grab a quick picture?
- Oh, me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure, yeah.

Hey, man, alright.

So, alrighty.

- Nice, bro.
- Awesome.

- Pound it, pound it.
- Yeah, bro.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

Be careful, Jason.

And don't do anything stupid,
it's not worth it.

Alright, I know, that's good.

You're gonna get up?

No, no, I'm good.
I'm good here.

Okay.

I'll see you later, bro.

Good to see you.

Oh, c-- co--
could you get me my coffee?

JAY:
Here.

Thanks.

NEWS ANCHOR:
The LAPD is a buzz today
after news

of a witness coming forward
in the Vinnie Jones murder case.

Information is scarce
at this point,

but our sources believe
the witness did see the murderer

and will be able
to identify him.

As of yet, we have no comment
from Mr. Jones's representatives

or indeed from Jason Mewes,

who was arrested
on the same morning as Jones.

Stay with us as the day gets--

Wait a second.

I'm hearing
that we've located Mr. Mewes

and our reporter Oliver
is with him live.

Oliver?

Mr. Mewes!

How do you feel
about recent events

regarding the murder case
of your good friend

and notorious ball grabber
Vinnie Jones?

A witness has come forward
to say

they remember seeing the driver
on the night of the murder.

Wait, what?

Are you now willing to admit
that your good friend

is a killer
and never actually let go

of his British
gangland connections?

NEWS REPORTER 4:
Is it true Jones
has been a secret gangland boss

terrorizing Hollywood?

Does Vinnie get his movie roles
through intimidation?

No way, he is a very nice guy--

What are you not telling us,
Mr. Mewes?

Mr. Mewes!
Mr. Mewes!

- What are you not--
- Mr. Mewes!

Mr. Mewes!

Police are keeping
tightly sealed

as to the identity
of the witness

in the Vinnie Jones murder case,

but many are speculating
as to who it could be.

I mean it literally
could be anyone.

LA is a really big place.

It's not me.

JAY:
There he is.

Alright, I'm...

...just gonna warn him.

Just warn him.

Bro, it's okay.

It's just...

Don't be startled like, uh...

Hey, bro, it's-- it's cool.

Look, hey!

It's cool.

I just wanted to know
where Stan Lee lives.

I know he lives close.

I just need a little help
getting to his house.

Fuck, don't you fucking move--

Or I'll cut you, bitch.

What are you doing?

When they ask you
if you saw me that night

you're gonna say you didn't.

I d-- I-- I didn't see you.

Wait, what?

No, I-- I thought I saw
that British soccer guy

they keep putting on the news.

It was dark I th--

I saw...

- JAY: Hey!
- No!

I thought you were giving me
a warning.

- But I am.
- You're trying to kill me.

No, no, no,
you were trying to run away.

You're that silent Jay guy.

Whoa!

Look, what you made me do!

Oh, I need 911, 911!

Oh, here, let me get it for you.

Oh fuck!

I need an amb-- ambulance.

- Shit, dude, alright.
- God, I'm dying.

Dude, that should be okay.

What-- what, um,
what street is this, again?

It's Maple Boulevard,
you fucking asshole!

Holy shit!

That was your face that night.

It's coming back to me.

I'm gonna make you fucking pay.

I'm gonna tell 'em what you did.

I'm gonna make you fucking pay,
you bastard!

You're looking pretty pale, bro.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, no, don't g--

Don't go, don't go away, please,
come back.

Call an ambulance please.

I didn't see anything
that night, man.

I don't know--
I don't know your face.

I don't know what you look like.

I've never seen any
of your movies.

That's good.

I wasn't even supposed
to be here today, bro.

What are you doing?

What are you--

Oh!

No, no, no, no.

Pleased don't--
don't do that.

Don't-- don't--

Put that in your pocket,
go put it in your pocket.

Put it away, put it away!

Oh, oh, no.

THE WITNESS:
Please, don't.

Ow, shit!

Why did you do that?

Look, dude, I was just here
to warn you, bro.

It don't come natural to me,
I'm not a cold-blooded killer!

I'm f--

I feel like...

I'm dizzy.

Oh shit.

What am I doing?

I almost fucking actually killed
this motherfucker on purpose.

Oh God,
what the fuck am I doing?

What the fuck!

Wait a second.

Wait.

Vinnie's in jail.

They're gonna know
it wasn't him.

JAY:

Okay, that's right.

JAY:
Shit!
Holy fuck!

JAY:
Holy fuck!

Holy fuck!

Holy sh--

Holy shit.

Breathe out, man.

JAY:
Oh, come, man.

Oof!

- Excuse me?
- Whoa!

- Dude.

GEORGE:
What the fuck is wrong with you,
man?

Well, what's wrong with you,
bro?

What the fuck is wrong with you,
bro?

JAY:
Who-- who are you?

I have fucking nerve issues,
man.

You can't just randomly scream
in people's faces.

You don't know me,
you could've killed me, man.

So you're a security officer.

I'm the fucking
security officer.

George Abrahams,
security officer.

A security officer
with nerve issues.

Dude, I'm-- I'm a fucking--

I'm a security guard machine,
sir.

I'm like a 365° radar, man.

I see all the angles, dog.

You can't get past me.

Well, I apologize for that,

because I do need
to see Ferrango, man.

Can't do it.

I have to warn him.

What do you have
to warn him about?

There's a-- a Latina girl,
and a couple of her friends,

and I passed them
when I was coming here.

Fuck,
they're dangerous in a group.

- JAY: Yeah.
- Shit.

Which direction?

Uh, that way,
about three blocks.

- GEORGE: Thanks, dude.
- Cool.

I got your knight.

You know what that means.

Ay este pendejo!

You've been reading it too fast.

I can tell just by looking
at you.

What page are you on?

I-- I don't know,
like 200.

C--

Hey, hey, snap out of it.

What did I tell about keeping
those feelings in check?

Just-- just go home.
Go home.

Sleep it off.

Forget about the book
for a couple of weeks.

It's working a little bit.

- It's sort of work--
- I am so sorry, Mr. Villareal.

He-- he snucked past me.

You Brutus
motherfucking Spoodle.

FERNANDO:
It's okay, it's okay.

Mewes! Mewes!

You have to relax, man.

Process everything
that's going on

before you go loco.

Damn Hollywood.

All these actors are turning it
into a warzone.

But these guys
covered their tracks.

Definitely some madness
in their method.

It's method in the madness,
you idiot.

Fair enough.

You do know that Jason Mewes
is linked to this case, right?

He is?

He was arrested the same day
as Vinnie Jones.

But don't you know Jason Mewes?

Jason Mewes?

That smoochie boochie guy?

Yes, the snoochie boochie guy.
Yeah, that guy.

I never met him, but, boy,
I heard he's a knucklehead.

Well, we all can't be saints.

Oh crap,
here comes the detective.

Look, I uh, I got nothing good
to tell him here.

You might wanna--

Enough said.

I'm out of here.

Upward and onward, Jim.

DETECTIVE JIM:
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
onward and upward.

Wayne!

Wayne.

Good--

DETECTIVE JIM:
Good to see you, sir.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Who's that?

Oh, this is Stan Lee.

- He's the neighbor.
- Legend.

DETECTIVE JIM:
Yeah.
Yes, he is.

Shut up,
give me some good news.

I got nothing.

This guy was either
a professional

or he was
one lucky son of a bitch.

You have the murder weapon?

My guys are
searching the area right now,

but I'll be honest with you,
Wayne,

I don't think we're gonna have
positive results.

If this was gangland,
they're not sloppy.

We're not gonna find shit.

Go.

Fucking idiot.

You motherfucker!

Something's definitely
not right.

- Jason.
- What?

NEWS ANCHOR:
...the most recent incident
in the Jones murder case.

Over to Oliver
for all the latest.

We now have confirmation
that the body of the victim

is principal witness
in the Vinnie Jones murder case.

LAPD sources are also telling us
the body of the victim

was found with a symbol carved
into its chest.

Rumor has it that this symbol

is a British gangland
murder tag,

indicating an execution.

As you can see
from the police photos,

Mr. Jones does have
a gangland scar

on his chest.

Whether this links him
to the murder

only time will tell.

Do you really think that
Vinnie had something to do

- with these murders?
- You know what?

I'm sort of distracting myself
from it all.

Huh.

You know, do whatever makes you
feel good.

JAY:
Hmm.

And then maybe
while you're at it

you could fix the roof
like you've been promising.

Oh, I have to buy a nail gun,
so...

If you go now, you can be back
before the party.

- Party?
- You forgot about the party.

You know that Kevin
doesn't wanna go

to Esteban's by himself.

Snoochie boochies.

Snoochie boochies.

JAY:
I am the clit commander.

Jason Mewes
continues his unlikely rise

up the Movie Star Rating charts

as he finds himself back
in the headlines

after the Vinnie Jones witness
was found murdered overnight.

Yes.

BRIAN:
I'm not even supposed
to be here right now.

Brian O'Halloran has confirmed
shooting on The Odyssey

is set to begin
at the start of next month,

which means a cast announcement
must be imminent

as it seems half of Hollywood
wants in

on the likely Oscar contender.

I'm closing in on you,
motherfucker.

Carrie,
I'm going out to buy a nail gun.

POLICE CHIEF ANDERSON:
Chief Anderson.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Chief, detective Arnold here.

POLICE CHIEF ANDERSON:
What is it, detective?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
I wanna bring Jason Mewes
back in.

You already questioned Mewes
and got nothing.

You repeat that process

and what does this department
look like to the press?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Oh, come on,
he's gonna talk.

- I just need him to--
-Drop it, detective.

Do you understand me?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Alright, chief,
whatever you say.

Sure.

POLICE CHIEF ANDERSON:
Hey, babe.

Yes, of course,
I'll be home about 8:00

and I have the new handcuffs.

Something just isn't right.

Producers are raving
about the daily footage coming

from the Acupuncture Killer set,
explaining Jason Mewes

is doing incredible work

and getting arrested
was the best thing

that could have happened
to his career.

Otherwise, they never would have
thought of him for the role.

Tommy, could you tell me

where that Costalino guy worked,
again?

Wait, what?
What the fuck did I just see?

- Excuse me?
- Answer the question.

I'm not your eyeballs, Jason.

What were you just doing?

Skyping a girlfriend.

- What girlfriend is that?
- Megan from Europe.

Megan in Europe wanted
to see your titties?

What are you talking about?

When I walked through the door,

you were flashing your titties
to the camera.

You've been acting
fucking crazy.

Is this what I'm gonna
have to deal

with every single time you're up
for some Hollywood role?

I need the old Jay back.

Silent Bob, too?

Fuck you!

I want the man
I fell in love with.

That's weird, 'cause you've been
a little distant

from him lately.

Jason, you're being
fucking paranoid, okay?

It's me.

You would love for me
to believe that, wouldn't you?

Where are you going?

Getting ready for the party.

Hello, hello!

Jason Mewes.

Danny Trejo, I didn't know
you'd be here

and what-- what's the--

I'm method acting
for a new role now,

just run with it cabron,
alright?

Yeah, but, I don't--

I thought you'd be here
with your little Carrie.

She took her separate car,
she's gonna meet me here, but--

That better not be trouble
in paradise, I'm sensing, is it?

No, no, everything's good,
I promise.

Are you sure? 'Cause you know
you can talk to me.

I know, but I do not get like--
are you su--

Look, I've been wanting to have
a little chitty chatty poo

- with you.
- A little--

a little chitty chat?

Let's do it.
What's up?

DANNY:
Well, I've been hearing

about you having trouble
with the ball grabber.

The ball grabber?

DANNY:
That's what they call him.

And you know,
I worry about you, Jason.

- You know that.
- JAY: I know.

If that motherfucker fucks
with you,

I'll cut his fucking heart out.

Shit, Dan--
I mean I appreciate that.

Thank you.

You know
what they call me?

- Machete, right?

You know why?

Uh, because of the movie.

Because I got a big
motherfucking machete,

that's why.

A big machete.

Harley Quinn Smith!

Oh, as I live and breathe.

- HARLEY: Danny.
- Oh, be still my heart.

Danny,
I didn't expect to see you here.

Why does everybody
keep saying that?

Can't a little girl
have some fun?

Dude, you're here
to pick Kevin up?

Yeah, I think he's enjoying
my new license more than I am.

Harley, oh my God!

- Hi.

- Can we take a selfie?
- Of course.

Alright, I'm gonna go ahead,
alright, Harley.

- Bye.
- Uh, will you tell dad

that I'm waiting.

I'm too scared to go and I feel
like I'll never escape.

No problem, no problem.

Remember, it's not gay
as long as the balls

don't touch the chin.

Oh nice!
That's gonna be a keeper.

Pleasure.
Nice meeting you, man.

Sir!

Where the fuck have you been,
dude?

Where the fuck have you been?

Wait,
what are you talking about?

Don't fucking act like that.

Like you don't think I was gonna
fucking find out, man.

Motherfucker,
that shit is written

all over your face,
the goddamn guilt.

You didn't think I'd know.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you up
in that house sucking dick,

'cause I can see the cum
right there.

- None!
- Oh, shit!

Hey, you remember
when we jerked each other off

in the pool?

That's a great memory.

- Did you get that book?
- I did.

I read the book, dude,
and it is taking my craft

on a whole another level.

It's awesome.
Thank you.

Right on, man.
Fuck, you know what, dude?

Fuck all that holy shit.

I was just thinking,
Vinnie Jones.

What the fuck, man?

Don't shit in the pool.

Maybe he did have something
to do

with that casting director.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm serious,
don't shit in the pool.

Brian O'Halloran here?
Do you know if he showed up?

Are you serious?

I'm talking
about fucking Vinnie Jones,

you're talking about Bri--

Yeah, Brian O'Halloran
is fucking here,

I passed him on the way in.

Captain clitoris.

Oh!

I'm gonna go talk to him
about that--

Wait, Harley Quinn came here
to pick you up.

She's out front.
Sorry--

My fucking kid's here.

Why are we sitting here talking?

Let's get the fuck out of here,
bitch.

Jay and Silent Bob,
it's been a while.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Thank you so much
for coming to my party.

Our party.

KEVIN:
Oh my God,
I had a fucking blast.

We've just been sitting
here talking,

he was upstairs having
misadventures in the house

and shit.

But I'm gonna go.

I got a-- a podcast to record
and I gotta light out of here.

I got like nine podcasts.

So I've loved being here.

Thanks for having us.

But-- but we're
just getting started.

KEVIN:
Sadly, I got my kid sweating
in the car like a dog

and I should probably go before
she overheats and dies.

- Pleasure!
- Thank you.

- Pleasure.
- Uh.

Sorry to hear
about the break-up, fellows.

Conscious uncoupling.

Jason, what are you doing
next Tuesday?

Jason is more my friend
than he is yours.

You already got too clingy
with Brian

and now he's leaving.
Kevin just left.

At this rate,
we're not gonna have

any famous people at our party!

Brian's leaving,
I gotta catch up with him.

Look what you did?

My famous friends
mean the world to me

and you-- you give
the world's worst blowjob.

ESTEBAN:
Mmhmm.

That's not
what your father said.

BRIAN'S DATE:
Not even supposed
to be here today.

BRIAN:
No, no, no, no, it's more like,

"I'm not even supposed
to be here today."

See the emphasis is stronger
at the start.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

There you go.

Much better.

You know, I keep all my emotions
like right here,

- on the surface.
- Hmm.

Stored and ready for action.

Hmm.

It allows me to access
whatever my director needs.

Totally amazing.

For example um, pleasure.

Oh yeah, I like pleasure.

That makes two of us.

JAY:
Brian, hey, what's up, baby?

- Oh, hey.
- How you doing?

Jay, man,
how you doing?

JAY:
I'm good, man.
How are you?

It's been a while.

Uh, how is everything
since the arrest

and all that?

JAY:
Oh, yes, actually not that bad.

I've gotten some really
interesting roles,

because of the press
and the publicity.

It's made it like whoa--

Oh, dude, dude,
be careful with that press, yo.

You know how it can turn
on you, you know that.

Oh yeah, but-- hey,
has Kevin spoken to you

about The Odyssey?

You know, I'm confident we could
slide you in there.

Just give me a chance to talk
to the-- to the studio.

You're serious?

Dude, how long have I known you?

Of course, I'm serious.

Don't worry, Jay,
I got your back.

It's so crazy, dude.

People were saying,
"Even if you can convince Brian

that you can carry
this studio movie,

he's never gonna
convince the studio

- to let you play the lead."
- Whoa, whoa, I-- I'm sorry.

Dude, you remember we were
talking about it on Dogma

so many years ago?

I knew then I was like perfect--

- BRIAN: Shit, Jay, Jay.
- For the part, dude.

Shit, Jay, um, I-- I--
I didn't know that you--

Were you thinking
I was talking about the lead?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marcus, sorry dude.

The-- the--
remember the similarities

to me and him--

And how much we are alike.

- Shit, bro, I--
- I am--

I was thinking more
of a few lines

li-- like--
like a cameo or something.

What?
You don't think I'm capable?

- I'm capable, bro, like--
- No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, um, I gotta run.

Uh, what I'll do is
I'll call the studio

and I'll persuade them
to bring you in

for an audition or something.

- Yeah, an audition.
- BRIAN: Yeah, yeah?

Sure, yeah, yeah,
sounds great.

BRIAN:
Alright,
I'll talk to you again.

- Thanks.
- We'll be in touch, alright?

Yeah, thanks, man.

Oh, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be right back.

Uh, Jason.

I'm so sorry about Tim.

Frankly, I'm embarrassed.

Oh, we should take a selfie
while you're here.

You could tweet it to me.

My handle's @EstebanJovi
#blessed#earthtoJason.

Hi, welcome to my party.
I'm talking to--

Dude, don't fucking touch me,
I'll kill you!

Baby, you were so brave.

I know.

Jason!

Don't forget what I told you,
watch out for that ball grabber.

Brian!

Brian!

JAY:
Officer Arnold.

It's detective.

JAY:
What can I help you with,
my friend?

How exactly did you know

the casting director
Anthony Costalino?

I didn't.

Uh, I think the first time
I heard his name

was when you arrested me.

That's-- that's funny.

That's funny, you know why?

'Cause I called the studio
and they told me

that you are in a casting
with him that day.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Uh.

Um, I uh, well, I must--
must have forgot.

- I get a lot of--
- You must have.

Call m-- a lot of casting calls.

Oh, it's just a big coincidence,
right?

Yeah, it must have been,
I guess--

But the thing is
I don't fucking believe

in coincidences, motherfucker.

And when I get enough evidence
on you,

I'm gonna bury you
and put you away

for a very long time.

Cool, man, what the fuck?

What the fuck, man?

Sleep well, Mewes.

Your days of a free man
are slowly--

Dwindling--
fuck!

JAY:
Geena!

Geena!

Hey, Geena, I need to speak
to you urgently!

GEENA:
Jesus, Mary's cunt!

You scared five years off of me,
asshole.

Have you ever thought
about smoking

a little marijuana?

It might settle you down
a touch.

I need s-- uh, some quick gigs,
preferably cash, big earners.

You need lots of money and fast.

How about a fricking knighthood
while I'm at it, Sir Jason.

I'm serious, Geena.

What happened to uh,
"I only want to do serious shit,

no more Snagins fucking goochy"?

I just might need
some quick cash

for something coming up.

Christ, Jason, what?

Hey, do you have
that lawyer's number

and can I have it?

You need to calm down.

No, you need to give me a gig,
earn that percentage.

- Excuse me.

- Shit!

- Fuck!
- GEORGE: Fuck you!

- Shit!
- What the fuck is wrong

with you fucking people, man,
this is shit.

Trying to get yourself
fucking killed?

You trying to get yourself
fucking killed?

Give me the code.

GEORGE:
No.

What are you doing?

Give me the fucking code.

5-6-3-3-7-5--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Put it in
with your fucking tongue.

- My tongue?
- Yes!

Okay.

- Are you sure?
- Do it!

- Okay.
- Now.

It's open.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Is it just straight down?

Yeah, yeah, to the left.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Boss, it's detective Arnold.

I need to talk to you.

Chief?

Hello?

Hello?

Breaking and entering mean much
to you, detective?

I heard some distress.

I-- It was uh, had justification
to uh, investigate.

Maybe I have justification
to fire your ass.

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
What are you wearing?

Chief, I need to talk to you.

Is this about Jason Mewes,
again?

Snoogans boy?

- He's a cool guy.
- Shut the fuck up, lover boy.

You're not that beautiful,
you know that?

Baby!

Look into my eyes, detective.

It'll be
like transporting yourself

to an everlasting desert
of the purest beauty.

So you really think
that Jason Mewes plotted

and carried out a murder
under the noses of the LAPD?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Jason Mewes was--

Vinnie Jones killed
that casting director

and ordered
the witness murdered.

- That's it.
- Bullshit!

Open and shut.
You're obsessed, detective.

Leave Mewes the fuck alone
or I will prosecute you

for breaking and entering.

Chief, you're not seeing
the trees for the wood.

And what are you doing
with those eyes

and using them as a--
some sort of weapon?

Stop doing that
with your fucking eyes, man!

Oh, it's I'm numb.

I feel very strange.

I'm comfortable
with my sexuality

until this very second.

I-- I love you.

Oh.
How dare you.

Fuck you!

You beautiful son of a bitch!

Fuck you.

Fuck this.

Fuck!
I'll kill that son of a bitch.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, pick up, you cunt.

Judge Marsh, it's been a while.

I'm afraid not so good, sir.

Yeah, I'm gonna need
to call in that Mexico favor.

The system's failed me
and justice needs to be served.

I've already told you
I didn't send any gangsters

to kill that geezer.

I don't even know any gangsters.

Did I ever tell you
I was English?

What?

Yeah, actually I was born
in England.

My grandma was from Essex.

I pledge my allegiance
to the Queen.

It's a known fact
that I might even be related

to the bloodline
of Sherlock Holmes himself.

The fictional character?

Did you know that Mewes
saw Anthony Costalino

on the day that he was murdered?

He fucking what?

He was in a casting
which didn't go too well.

I don't know, I mean um,
call me crazy,

but that's sort of
a big coincidence

and I thought he failed
to mention to any of us.

Don't you?

Yeah.

Are you ready for some good news
finally, Mr. Jones?

Go on.

I've talked to the powers

that be a judge that
I'm quite good friends with.

We had a weekend in Cabo once,

but that's neither here
nor there.

He's decided that we don't have
enough evidence to keep you here

and we're gonna let you out
on bail.

Behave yourself now and--

Adhere to those bail conditions.

How do they say it in England?

Uh, cheerio.

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got just one thing
to turn away ♪

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ I got ♪

What the fuck?

What the fuck?
This is bullshit.

Hello?

Excuse me?

Want more, son?

Let me explain, Vin,
come on, dude, bro!

I cannot believe you were gonna
let me rot in that cell.

JAY:
Look, dude, let me explain, Vin.

What--

Some kind of mate you are, Jay.

Jay is dead.

Things have changed.

Oh, motherfucker.

Really?

Oh, Vinnie, please.

Please, please, buddy!

- Shit, shit.

JAY:
Shit, Vinnie, I'm--
It was sh--

It was a misunderstanding, bro!

JAY:
Bro!

Snoogans, you muppet!

Vin, you okay?

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

Jay?

Jay, is that you?

Jason?

What the hell?

Honey?

What the fuck are you doing?

Fixing the roof.

In the middle of the night?

What, do you want me
to dress up as Jay

and not fix the roof?

Okay, baby, come down.

You're really, really starting
to scare me now.

I am Jason.

Jason Mewes!

You can sleep on the couch
tonight, Jason fucking Mewes.

ANTHONY:
What the fuck?

Yes, Jason.

THE WITNESS:
You're trying to kill me.

Hey, what are you doing?

VINNIE:
You were gonna let me rot
in that cell.

CARRIE:
And what happens
when Jason is very bad?

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
I'm com--

I'm coming for you,
son of a bitch.

I'm--

And...

Action.

♪ Starts another big riot ♪

♪ Zing ♪

♪ So what's the use ♪

♪ Wow, bam ♪

♪ Of falling in love ♪

♪ The sky caves in ♪

♪ The devil cuts loose ♪

♪ You blow, blow, blow ♪

♪ Blow your fuse ♪

Die, Snoogans boy!

- Pow!

JAY:
Holy!

♪ When you fall in love ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay ♪

♪ Jason fucking Mewes ♪

♪ Mewes, Mewes ♪

♪ Jason fucking ♪

-♪ Jason ♪
- ♪ Mewes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jason Mewes ♪

♪ Jason fucking, fucking,
fucking ♪

♪ Mewes ♪

Mr. Jones failed to return
to the halfway house last night,

a strict condition
of his controversial bail.

Early theories coming out
of the LAPD

are that Mr. Jones used
his British gangland connections

to smuggle him out
of the country.

Attention now turns
to the lead detective

in the case
as it was Detective Arnold

who supported Jones's bail.

#Bail, #fail, #bailfail.

Wonder what took him so long.

Are you expecting someone?

Don't worry about it.

Hmm.

Little early
to be drinking there, officer.

It's detective.

First step to recovery
is admitting you have a problem.

I know you did it, motherfucker.

You're lucky
you're hiding behind that badge

or I might have
to bitch slap you, officer.

Think you're tough, huh?

- Not so tough--

Now are you, motherfucker?

You don't think I'll do it.

You don't think
I'll pull the fucking trigger.

I'm twice the actor
you'll ever be.

I'm English.

I invented fucking acting,
you know.

I should have
your goddamn career

and you should be in jail
getting your asshole licked

by a fat man in a jumpsuit.

It's not the last you've heard
of me, Mewes.

Fucker!

DETECTIVE ARNOLD:
Son of a bitch.

What the hell was that?

Some guy selling insurance.

I heard yelling.

Uh, it's just insurances.

Right.

NEWS ANCHOR:
The LAPD have launched
an official manhunt

for British soccer star
turned movie star Vinnie Jones.

He is wanted on suspicion

of the murder
of Anthony Costalino

and for ordering gang members
to put a hit

on the only known-witness
to the Costalino murder.

Police have found no trace
of Jones

but they have found
his rental car abandoned.

Jason, who loves you, baby?

Yo, what's up, Geena?

Geena nailed it.

Autograph shows,
some geeky bullshit,

event's sold out.

Tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. sharp.

They'll give you your cut,
cash in hand.

Boom.
Ooh!

- Sorry, I can't make it.
- What?

But-- but you said--

Forget what I said, alright?

And get me a studio casting
already.

GEENA:
Jason!

I have gotta
fuck this guy's brains out.

He is untameable.

Psst!

You always dress like that, bro?

A word to the wise

about your friend
Brian O'Halloran.

Seems he's not as good a friend
as you thought he was.

Wait,
you know about Carrie and Brian?

- What?
- You just said--

- I know but Carrie?
- Exactly!

- No!
- Huh?

Brian tried to fuck you.

Carrie?

- Brian fucked Carrie?
- Brian fucked me?

No!

Wait, what?

How did Brian fuck me?

I have it on very good authority
that the studio saw

early footage
of Acupuncture Killer

and they love you
for the Odysseylead,

especially hand-in-hand
with Brian's own story,

some publicity-perfect storm
kind of deal.

This can't be true.

Brian didn't think
that you could handle the role.

He went out of his way
to make sure

you did not get the offer.

Dude, I gotta go.

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ I got ♪

BRIAN'S DATE:
I never understood
how an actress

can be expected
to show vulnerabilities,

show her true self,
really reveal herself

if she doesn't trust--

Oh, Brian!

Oh my goodness, bro.

Jay, hey, man.

Dude,
I can't believe I ran into you.

I was walking around outside
and it's whoa!

Isn't that your car, Jay?

No, it's not my car.

Dude, it's got your name
on the license plate.

The Odyssey.

Oh, yeah.

Um, Jay, about that--

Brian got me the role,
I knew it.

Actually,
I called the studio, Jay,

and I fought for you,
I really did, man,

but they're going
in a different direction.

The Brian I know would say,
"Mewes gets the lead part."

Jay, I did everything I could.

It's fucking bullshit, bro.

Oh, we should get going.

Let me give you
a little piece of advice, Jason.

Did you ever hear
of a hockey player

by the name of Sam Lennox?

Fucking don't do this,
please, bro!

Jay, you alright?

Do you need to like call someone
or talk it out or--

Or maybe I should--

Or maybe you should stand up
for your fucking friend, man,

please.

I'll see around.

Dude, did you know?

What?

That Brian didn't want me
in The Odyssey!

Who told you this?

Don't lie to me!

I'm not fucking lying,
I'm just asking.

And you know what?

Lately, you're really out
of fucking pocket, man,

forgetting the relationship
and shit like that.

Oh, that's fucked up,
you didn't tell me, alright?

Brian stabbing me in the back
is one thing, but you?

Come on!

I didn't fucking stab you
in the back, motherfucker.

Like did it ever occur to you

maybe I was looking out
for your best interests?

Oh, how exactly?

Fine.
You know what?

Fuck.

I love you to death, okay?

You're like my best friend
in the world,

but like you are
not a leading man.

And Brian's gonna make a movie

the whole fucking world's
gonna see.

And if you fail on that stage,
man, that's huge.

And it's tough
to get out from under that

and it fucking hurts.

When you carry a flop,
you turn to fucking shit.

I-- I became a stoner.

Do you ever wonder why?

Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

You start turning to substances,
okay?

That's me saying it.

People are still
fucking making fun of Tusk,

and fucking Mallrats,
and shit like that.

And my big fucking fear is
the movie flops

and you're sitting around

wanting
to fucking dampen the pain,

then maybe you fucking...

Come on, you can say it, bro.

We don't really wanna do this,
dude.

Like let's just--
let me enjoy my joint.

Just say it, bro,
come on, fucking say it!

Maybe you start fucking
using again, alright?

Maybe you fucking wind up
with a goddamn 12-gauge

in your arm.

Maybe I gotta fucking take you
to nine more fucking rehabs,

watch you run out
of another one,

and fucking I gotta
be your goddamn human parachute,

save you
from the fucking rock bottom

that you're always trying
to drag

both of us fucking down to, man.

I'm sorry, not for nothing,

but I go through
that shit again, dude.

I got a kid of my own!

You're fucking great
in my movies.

Don't get me wrong.

You're born to play Jay,
but fuck, dude,

that's a big fucking job
and you're not that actor.

So stop fucking hounding people
about it.

Or maybe it doesn't flop,
and it fucking skyrockets,

and I'm born
to play the fucking Odyssey.

I nail it,
my career surpasses yours,

and I'm not
in your fucking pocket

- to pull out when you want.
- Yeah.

And then you put me
in your movie

and my shit kills it,
and for the first time ever

in the history
of Kevin Smith movies,

the movie makes money!

How about that shit?

Okay, I'm-- like this is
so not the fucking time

to even do this.

Like...

I don't know if you noticed,

but I'm about to go
to a fucking comedy show!

So you know what, dude,

if that's really the way
you feel about shit,

Like fuck off.

Go fuck yourself.

You know what?
Go step on that.

Silent Bob wants Jay to go step
on that fucking joint.

Ferny, man.

I gotta fire
that security idiot.

Kevin and O'Halloran
are fucking working together,

- dude, to destroy me.
- What?

Dude, they're trying
to sabotage my career.

Jason, relax, man.

What's going on?

I messed up, dude.

I read the whole book.

Oh, shit!

I followed it step-by-step

and it cleared my thoughts,
dude,

and at first I thought
I could handle it,

but then with Kevin and--
and then I-- I feel

like I'm losing my fucking mind,
man.

Breathe, Jason.

I'm going crazy.

No, you are evolving.

You're seeing the world
from a different plane!

The book does that to you, man.

I've been there.

What-- what do you mean?

Jason, I, too, was an actor,

hugely popular
in my home country.

But I was cursed.

Everybody I meet falls
hopelessly in love with me.

And believe me, Jason,
it is a curse.

So just like you,
I decided to change,

beat the curse.

So I came to America to act,
to play the bad guy,

the gangster and--

and one day I met
with a director late at night,

and he of course, was hopelessly
in love with me,

and I had a plan.

Okay.

How do you think
I met the chief?

She arrested you?

For the first time in my life
I was in love,

deeply in love.

She massaged the charges
and made them disappear.

For her, I quit acting
and went into hiding

from all who loved me.

And I don't regret it
for one second,

because it was time
to give up the book,

but only to the right person.

Uh, I can't think straight.

Right, well, Kevin,
he betrayed me,

he broke my heart, dude.

And then O'Halloran and Carrie--

Jason,
as long as there is Silent Bob,

there will always be Jay.

Anything and anyone in the way
of turning Jay into Jason

must be dealt with.

This is why I chose
to give you the book.

You are right.

Thanks, man.

Oh, and, Jason!

I have a feeling
this might come in useful.

You're a dangerous man,
Fernando.

There you are.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Not even supposed
to be here today.

That's right, motherfucker.

Carried that movie.

Oh, I gotta see this again.

BRIAN:
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Every fucking time,
it kills me, man.

CARRIE:
You want what?

A blowie.

Not a big deal.

It won't last long.

You can forget about it,
you little shit.

Oh, you've already showed me
your titties.

For my fiancé.

He wants that comic book so bad
he'd probably blow you himself.

Also, it's not the full titty
unless you see the nip.

BRIAN:
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Oh, man.

What the fuck?

BRIAN:
What is going on?

It's not raining.

Fucking sake.

Stupid mirror.

Jesus!

Jesus?

Who let you in?

Come on.

Come on, Jesus.
Look out.

Good boy.

Fuck is going on?

Got you, mother--

Jay?

What are you doing here?

What the fuck, Jay?

Ow!

Oh, man, you son of a--

Okay, okay.

Show me the full titty
and we have a deal.

Go back inside and jerk off.

Oh God!

Yeah.

- BRIAN: Oh!

You like
the fucking Golden Rocket?

Jay, you can have The Odyssey.

Carrie.

I know about you and Carrie,
motherfucker!

What about Carrie?

Carrie?

Jason!

Who the hell is that?

Are you about
to murder Brian O'Halloran?

Look, I saw what was
on the computer, right?

And I saw you guys hugging
at Esteban's.

No.

Jason, you asshole.

I asked Brian
to take you seriously

- as an actor at Esteban's.
- Yeah.

I told him it would
mean the world for you

if you got the role
in The Odyssey.

Uh, yeah, man, yeah,
The Odyssey.

This is also Brian
from next door.

I've been bidding
on that fucking comic

as a surprise to you.

I've been bidding on that
as well.

You are the other bidder?

And you're
that rude little motherfucker.

Sit the fuck down!

You were about to kill Brian
for me?

Not exactly, but...

Well, yeah, I guess I was.

Baby.

Carrie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

What are we gonna do
about O'Halloran?

Baby, he's a witness now.

The Odyssey's,
you're right about it.

I'm not a witness.

I'm not saying anything.

Well, I guess you better finish
the job then, angel.

You sure?

No, please.

What's the alternative?

What?

I guess you're right.

- Jason, wait.

What is it?

Say it for me.

Please.

Oh yeah.

Snoogans, motherfucker!

You have been found guilty
of murder in the first degree.

JUDGE:
Silence in court!

...also starring in such movies
as Clerks,

Chasing Amy,and Mallrats
has been called back

into the court as the jury
has reached a verdict.

A celebrity capable
of setting an example.

Instead you chose to act

in a consistently
despicable manner,

be it on the screen
or over a podcast.

The crux of the case came
when DNA evidence

was found at the scene
of the crime.

Therefore, this court
is left with no choice

but to impose a sentence
of life imprisonment.

Do you have anything to say
to the court at this time?

Mr. Smith?

I c-- I can't-- I can't believe
this is happening.

It wasn't me, man!

- I'm innocent.
- That'll do.

It wasn't the fat one,
it was the skinny one!

- Silence!
- Man!

The remnants
of a marijuana cigarette

with traces of Kevin Smith's DNA
was found

on the body of Brian O'Halloran.

Silent Bob wants Jay
to go step

on that fucking joint.

Some suggest that this murder
is the result of reefer madness.

As Kevin Smith was a loud
proponent of marijuana smoking,

it brings into question--

Wait.
Wait, wait!

Wait, I'm getting breaking news.

Kevin Smith
has been found guilty

of the murder
of Brian O'Halloran.

NEWS REPORTERS:
Kevin! Kevin!

Here he is.
Kevin.

Move, bitch!

- Kevin!
- NEWS REPORTER 5: Kevin Smith.

- OLIVER: Out of my way, bitch!
- KEVIN: It wasn't me.

NEWS REPORTERS:

OLIVER:
Kevin! Kevin!

Come on, man, it wasn't me,
it was the other guy!

Come on!

It was Jay!

Jay!

I'd like to thank the detectives
who worked so hard on this case

to bring us a swift
and just verdict.

What's the latest
with Vinnie Jones?

NEWS REPORTER 6:
Does he link to this case?

The LAPD has
an outstanding arrest warrant

for Vincent Jones
regarding two separate murders.

However, latest intelligence
suggests he's currently hiding

in the United Kingdom amidst
his extensive criminal network

within the British underworld.

- NEWS REPORTERS: Jay!
- It's Jason!

Jason!
Move, bitch.

Jason, how do you feel
about the court's decision?

Absolutely mortified.

Do you still believe Kevin
was innocent?

Now, I believe you know,
Kevin's jealousy

over Brian O'Halloran's
career directing,

it's a little funky,

but I can't imagine Kevin
doing anything like this.

- Oh, Jason.

Jason, is it also true

that you've been hired
onto what would have been

Mr. O'Halloran's
big directorial debut?

Well, Brian and I spoke
at lengths

about me playing the lead
in The Odyssey,

and matter of fact
the first time

he showed me the project,
it was on the set of Dogma.

So I think I should
follow through with it

and who better than Chris Nolan

to fill
Brian's remarkable shoes.

I mean it's gonna be great.
Great.

Oh, Jason, one last question.

Jason!
Jason!

OLIVER:
Mr. Arnold!

- Mr. Arnold!
- Detective.

Do you not believe
your presence here

is a little inappropriate
considering what you--

Jason Mewes
is a criminal mastermind.

Your obsession with Mewes
is alleged

to have dated back
to your unsuccessful audition

for a role that Jason
was offered.

Noogles to the snoo--

- MAN 1: No, next.
- Oh.

That's substantiated
and you can't prove that.

You have been disgraced,
thrown off the force,

and could face
criminal assault charges

after the infamous
security video was leaked.

- Now are you, motherfucker?

And yet you stand here today
still insisting

that Mewes is a murderer?

If I have to spend
every goddamn second

of the rest of my life proving
that Jason Mewes is a murderer,

I will.

I'm a descendant
of Sherlock Holmes,

motherfucker.

I can solve anything.

You hear that, Mewes?

I'm coming for you,
son of a bitch.

You cock-sucking actor,
motherfucker.

I'm coming for you!

Nothing will stop me!

Absolutely nothing!

Fucker!

If he's related
to Sherlock Holmes,

then I am fucking Ryan Gosling.

And let me tell you now,
I am not fucking Go--

ABBIE:
We have a brand new number 1
most important movie star

in the world.

That's right, Danny Trejo
is on top

as the world's
most important movie star.

Piece of shit!

JAY:
See for yourself.
Why don't you have a sip?

- I will cut your throat, bitch.
- Why?

You didn't see me run
anyone over.

- I didn't see you.
- Wait, what?

I thought maybe it was that

English soccer thug
turned actor,

'cause they keep showing him
on the news,

but I was blinded
by the headlights,

- I didn't see.
- Woah!

ZACH:
Back here, dude.

Dude, it's me.

Who's me?

ZACH:
It's Zach.

What the fuck?

- Zach Galligan?
- ZACH: Shhh!

Keep your voice down, man.

I'm gonna be signing shit here
for a month.

Zach, didn't you get a call?

ZACH:
You know, this kid came up
to me...

What?

Get a call.
What?

- That's not the line.
- I'm sorry, bro.

Uh, we gave this part
to Dean Cain.

ZACH:
What, you gave it to Cain?

Super bitch?

Dean Cain.

He's not in Gremlins
or Gremlins 2.

Zach, I gave you the part
as the director.

But I can do two parts.

That's why I did the accent.

Bro, I don't know what to say.

Why don't you go watch
your fucking movie?

I need an ambulance.

No shit,
'cause that looks painful.

You killed that guy.

You're looking pretty pale, bro.

Are you kidding me?

What have you got for me
in the picture, huh?

It's like it could be like
end-title sequence?

Or it could be
like a crowd sequence

and it would be like,
"Hey, hey, Gremlin dude!"

You know,
if I act something like that.

What do you say?

We are fully casted.

You gotta help me out.

I need screen time.

I'm trying to fucking stay
in the game.

Alright, listen, I'll talk
to my producers Dom and Rob,

see if we can--

Don't pawn me off, bro.

I'm not.

Shut up!

And cut.

Thank you, everyone.

That is a picture wrap.