Original subtitles

- Previously on Impress Me.

- Jim is currently sleeping on our couch, and it turns out

that the understudy that I hired is also allowed

to live here, rent free.

- I'm creating an impressionist competition in which

I am seeking the world's greatest impressionists,

and I will personally give a cash prize of a quarter

of a million dollars.

- You're gonna write a check for a quarter

of a million dollars?

- Yeah.

- I'd like to unveil my one-step program

to quit doing impressions.

Win Piotr's competition.

- Are you going to enter the competition?

- Oh, absolutely.

- Have you actually met the guy

that's giving away the money?

- Have you met Peyote?

- His name's Piotr.

- His impressions are ridiculous.

- Yeah, he's very talented.

- So who's your go-to?

- I do like Matthew McConaughey, Brad Pitt.

I love doing John C. Riley.

- Do John C. Riley.

- I'd rather not.

The thing is that this is my job.

What do you do for a living?

- I'm a graphic designer.

- Right, so I mean, like wouldn't it kinda suck

if like everyone at this party came up to you

and was like hey, can you design a website for me?

- Whatever, I'll make your website.

- Really?

- John C. Riley, feel like I'm gonna wreck.

- You know Wanda don't play that.

What's up little Sasquatch white man?

- Whoa!

- Well, Wanda, you seem like a nice lady, you really do.

But if you're going to impress Nick Offerman, you're gonna--

- Impress you?

What do I gotta do to impress?

I'm Whoopi Goldberg, I impress the whole world.

I'm an EGOT.

I got an Emmy, a Grammy, and Oscar and a Tony.

- Okay, okay, okay.

My man, huh?

What do we got?

We got Whoopi Goldberg, we got Nick Offerman.

Like we got a battle, huh?

- I'm not really good at battles.

We can go outside and maybe take some medicine.

- You know, speaking of medicines, this is Rosie O'Donnell,

I had a heart attack recently, and you're giving me

another one, sugar plumb.

- Can you do Chris Rock?

You don't know nothing about no Chris Rock.

- You don't know nothing about Chris Rock.

- Oh!

- sound like that!

Chris Rock sound like this.

- I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

- And as Jack Nicholson.

I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Washed it down with a Budweiser.

- Dustin Hoffman.

- I'm walking here, I'm walking here!

- Ah, Frank Sinatra.

♪ I'm walking here ♪

♪ I'm walking here ♪

- You're gonna need a bigger boat.

- Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson, Chelsea Handler.

I know you're there.

Please leave, don't, when I'm doing this.

Thank you.

I don't want you watching me.

- Miley Cyrus.

- John C. Riley.

Oh, perfect.

- Ronald Regan.

- How're you doing, Ross?

- Are you gonna be in there long?

- It's fun.

You're a beautiful baby.

- A yes, things have definitely change ever since

Piotr announced his big impression competition.

For example, a few weeks ago Andrea and Bianca were planning

this project together, and they were like two peas

in a pod.

- The guys are always comparing their impressions

among other things and that's why they're always fighting,

or trying to quit doing impressions all together.

But we are different.

It's about doing what you do best.

So, if we wanna both do Liza Minnelli, well then

I think we should both do Liza Minnelli here

in this coffee shop--

- Fine, you're making me do it, I'll just do it.

- But, after Piotr announced his competition,

you could tell it kinda got in the way of things.

- You come out, you introduce me, and then

I will do my thing.

- So, when I introduce you, am I introducing you

as my impression, or am I introducing your impression?

- Didn't we already go over this?

- Do you want me to get it right or not?

- But it's not only the women.

A few weeks ago, Selena's boyfriend Reggie had really been

bonding with Jim.

- Impressions are a job.

It's not a passion.

- Oh, wow, for you, that's true.

- Yeah.

- Well, you're so good, though, Reggie, man.

'Cause you treat it as a job, and yet you deliver

as if it's a passion.

So, you've made some kind of peace with it.

- Well, let me be clear, when I become President Obama

and folks all over this great nation, they wanna come up,

take pictures, they wanna shake my hand, they hand me

their babies to kiss, it's a good feeling.

- Are you sure they're handing you their babies to kiss?

Maybe their handing you the babies 'cause they say

here, you take care of him.

I can't afford him, this economy.

- See?

You still love doing impressions.

- It's fun.

It's always gonna be kind of a, it's like for this,

it's like we're paling around.

- Jim?

To me, it sounds like doing impressions is a rather

inconvenient truth for you that's had a dramatic,

lasting effect over your life.

- But after Piotr announced his quarter million dollar prize

Reggie and Jim have been very distant.

- How's Selena?

- Oh, good, good.

- Annie?

- Good, yeah.

How's Ross?

- He's good.

Are you working on any new impressions?

- No.

You?

- No. - Good.

- What? - Huh?

- The tension is palpable.

Everyone's so focused on their impressions,

no one's even making eye contact anymore.

- I totally geek out, I totally need to geek out.

- It got so bad, I just needed to be out of the house,

so I started going to auditions I wasn't even up for

just to sit in the waiting room so I could clear my head.

- Hey man.

- What's up.

- Which is kinda weird, now that I say that out loud.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- That's okay.

- Wait, Ross?

Ross, right?

- Yeah.

- Hey, Sean.

We worked on that indie movie together with Matt Jones.

Remember?

And your buddy flipped out on set.

The whole Russel Crowe thing.

- My name is Maximus Tessimus Meridius, commander

of the North.

- All right, yeah, okay.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's not an impression, okay.

You're not an impressionist.

Yeah, I think that moment's permanently burned

into my memory.

Thank you for reminding me of the pain and agony

of that moment and how long it took me to get over it.

Yeah, that kinda rings a bell.

- Yeah, dude, after you guys got fired, I went online

and looked your stuff up.

You're incredible.

You guys are like professional impression guys.

- Thank you.

Yeah, we do like voice matching.

- You should quit acting, man, you're so good

at impressions, I wouldn't even.

Look, actually, I have a favor to ask, though.

My Mom, she's not doing too well.

There's no reason to get sad and morbid about it,

but I don't know.

She could use like a pick me up.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Is she all right?

- No, yeah, she's good, but she's a die hard Tom Cruise fan.

- Oh.

- And--

- Oh, you want me to like call, leave a voicemail

as Tom Cruise?

I get asked this all the time.

Birthday calls, sick calls, prank calls, and the truth is

that I usually decline, but after seeing Hundo and Rachel

and JQ at the party the other night doing their thing,

I kinda felt like a fool for not joining in.

- That would be cool, but you know what would be awesome is

if you actually, if you could come in and do a house visit.

Do it in person.

- Come in person and?

- Yeah.

- I don't know.

The joke wouldn't probably play--

- Trust me, it'll be great.

It'll be great.

- A home visit?

Honestly?

Eh.

I know, I shouldn't complain.

It'll be nice, actually.

I get to brighten someone's day and work on my Tom Cruise

at the same time.

Really, it'll be fine.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, yeah, just give me her name and number, I guess

a good time to go over--

- Yes!

Awesome!

Yeah, I'll, you wanna do it now?

Or you wanna do it after your audition, or?

- Oh, I'm not here for an audition.

- What?

- Reggie?

Hey.

- What's going on, man?

- Look, Jim, I just didn't know where else to go.

I'm stuck in Obama, and I can't get out.

- When you're stressed out, as an impressionist,

your mind, it's under a lot of pressure, that affects

your vocal cords, it affects your vision of you,

of yourself, of your own personality.

Your eyes can start to jiggle, it's strange.

Writer's get writer's block, and it's very accepted.

Impressionists get impression block, and it does happen.

It's scientific, it's a real thing.

I've seen it, it's scary.

- How long has it been?

- Last night, I was with Selena and we were

Nevermind, that's not the point.

The point is she told me I was doing it and I had no idea.

So, I went to bed and I thought I'd wake up

and everything would be okay.

This morning, it was worse.

- You came to the right place.

You're gonna be fine, all right.

Relax here on the couch, just sit down, chill for a minute.

- Thank you so much.

- All right, where's Ross?

We're gonna need a lot of impressions.

- He's doing that Tom Cruise thing for that sick old lady.

- That's right.

Okay, call Bianca.

- Well, we haven't really been talking since our fight--

- Oh, please.

Just call Bianca, this is important.

- Wow, what a beautiful home.

- Yeah, it's a home.

Hey, thanks so much for doing this, Ross.

I really appreciate it.

- Oh yeah, it's no problem, really.

- You feeling good about your Cruise today?

- Yeah, it's fine.

Passable, I think.

- Okay, has been to be perfect.

Like I said, my Mom's really not doing well.

We don't how much time she has left.

She really can't even see anything out of her eyes anymore.

- So sorry.

- No, no, no, are you kidding me?

Don't be sorry.

Just, your Cruise has to be perfect.

- Right, yeah no, I'll do my best.

- Just so you know, the premise of this whole

situation today is that I met Tom Cruise at a film premier

and he agreed to come over and stop by and say hi,

but only briefly, so it'll be over really quick.

- Wait, you told her that the real Tom Cruise was going

to come here today?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've seen your stuff.

You're gonna be great, you can pull it off, I know you can.

- I'm sorry, I really don't feel comfortable with

any of that, that's--

- Are you joking?

- Are you joking?

Your mother is blind, sick and bedridden.

You want me to prank her?

- Ross, if you leave now, she'll think that Tom Cruise took

one look at her and left.

That'll ruin her.

You have to do this.

- I got here as fast as I could.

How's he doing?

- Bianca, here's the situation.

Reggie has, he's kinda wandered off the path.

We're gonna lead him back into being Reggie.

So what we need is we need a lot of impressions, we need

a lot of stuff to kinda break open the log jam.

Maybe you can--

- I'm Barack Obama, and I approve that idea.

- Bloody hell, it's getting worse!

- Just look Reggie in the eye, just very deeply,

very directly, try to contact him and just rattle off

a few of your great impressions.

Go ahead.

- Okay.

- It doesn't matter which one you start with, we just need

a lot of them.

- I'm sorry, Jim, I can't.

- What are you talking about?

Is this this competition thing?

Will you put that aside for once?

This is a man who needs your help!

- I can't!

I woke up this morning, and I can't do impressions!

I don't know.

I've been practicing so many, and studying so hard,

all of a sudden, they're all jumbled together

and I can't do one!

I have no idea what happened, it's like I just have

completely forgotten how to do impressions!

- What?

We've got a show tonight!

- Don't you think I know that?

I've been freaking out all day.

I have no idea what to do.

- It was a creed that was shouted from the lips of those

that waited in line for three hours and four hours

to bring about change.

- What's happening to us?

- Mom?

I have very, very special that I want you to meet.

- Gertrude, you are just a beautiful woman.

It is so nice to meet you.

- Oh, my sweet Ansel.

Baptize me twice, it really is you.

I know that voice.

God knows I know that voice.

- Oh, well, Gertrude, I enjoy helping people.

I really do.

I've been all over the world,

and I enjoy making a difference.

- Oh, Tom I know.

I have been following you for 34 years.

I probably know you better than you know yourself.

- That's probably true.

- I have no problem getting into character, but if I get

in too deep, bad things kinda tend to happen.

- We need a Christian Bale apology interview,

like two minutes ago.

- Dun da da da da.

Which Christian are we gonna get now?

- Why are you trashing the interview, man?

You're trashing the interview.

- Who are we actually going to believe?

Who should we believe?

- No, no listen!

You're trashing the interview, man!

I try to call her to apologize and you're in here

dun da da da da!

It's distracting, mate!

- So, in a situation like this, it's important for me

to be really grounded in reality.

- Tom, I had a dream about you.

I've had lots of dreams about you, but none of them

as sexually explicit--

- Okay, Mom, let's not, Mom.

Mom!

Easy--

- Sean!

Don't you talk to Tom that way!

- Oh no, it's okay, Gertrude.

You have a wonderful boy, here.

You should be very proud.

- He's nothing compared to you.

He is absolutely nothing.

- All right, Mom, I think it's time for Tom to go now.

Let's--

- You can't speak for Tom.

- Oh, you know what?

Your boy is right, I do you, I have to run,

but it was so nice meeting you.

- Oh, you have just made my day.

Oh, my year.

- Really glad to hear that, it was so nice meeting you.

- Oh, well it was so nice meeting you.

And you have a great birthday next month.

- You know I will, thank you so much.

- I knew it!

You're not Tom Cruise!

Tom Cruise's birthday was three months ago!

You get out, you imposter!

I knew it the moment I smelled that cheap cologne

you were wearing, Tom would never!

Sean! - Yes!

- Who did you let in our house?

- I don't know, Mom, I don't know!

- Gertrude, Gertrude.

I assure you, I am Tom Cruise.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.

I'm operating on cruise control--

- Imposter!

Get out! - Get out!

- Get out! - Get out!

- Help me, help you.

Help me, help you.

Gertrude, come on.

Show me the money.

- Go dig a hole. - Leave.

- And this is why I'm not gonna do my impression for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure you're a good person, but I'm not

a performing monkey, when you put me in pressure situations

like this to perform perfectly for a high-stress,

high-stakes situation, bad things happen.

So, no I'm sorry the answer is no.

I'm not gonna do it for you.

Unless of course it's like a professional, paying gig.

- From the bustling streets of New York City to the hills

of San Francisco, we are not as divided

as our politics suggest.

We're one nation, one people.

There are no red states or blue states.

We're the United States, with liberty and justice for all.

Thank you, so much.

- What do we do?

- I don't know.

I have never seen two crackups happen

at the same time like this.

I hate myself for thinking this, but what

if it's contagious?

- Hey, what's going on, guys?

- No, no, no, no!

Don't get any closer.

- What?

What's going on?

- Bianca can't do impressions, Reggie's stuck

in the president.

- He's stuck in the president?

See, I told you, you have to be careful.

It gets in your head.

I'm gonna go talk to them.

- No, no, Jim thinks it might be contagious.

- Contagious?

- I was just putting it out there.

- That's ridiculous.

Hey guys.

What seems to be the problem?

- I'll tell you what the problem is, the problem is

that you guys are so concerned about winning

that you've completely forgotten

that you guys can help each other.

Okay, guess why I'm living here.

Guess.

Do you think it's the outdoor couch?

No, it is very cozy, though.

Do you think it's the pool?

That it's always a perfect 81 degrees temperature?

No.

Do you think it's the water pressure, which is amazing

by the way.

It is like an affectionate fire hose, it's incredible.

No.

- I want to be around the impression guys.

I want to learn how to do Ross' John C. Reilly,

or Jim's Sir Ian McKellen.

And icing on the cake, 'cause you guys are friends

with Bianca and Reggie and Peyote.

- It's Piotr. - It's Piotr.

That's his real name.

- Sure any of us could win this thing.

We could win a lot of money.

We could win a lot of money.

But money does not buy you friends.

Friendship is earned.

If you want to buy something, buy a new bathtub.

- What's just happened?

Seriously, what was that?

- Boy, that Hundo character is a real maverick

from real America, you betcha.

- Boy, that felt so good.

- For the record, I was actually gonna say something

very similar to that.

- Seriously, though, we do need to do something

about that bathtub.

It backs up.

I'll call a few contractors, okay?

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Before we officially begin, I think we should have

a few words from Academy Award winner Monique.

- Thank ya, thank ya for coming tonight.

I'm gonna order you to turn off your cell phones.

Penelope Cruz, she knows what's up.

- Yes, I still do not own a cell phone.

I prefer talking face to face.

It is better.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a fantastic show for you

tonight with about a dozen performers, but,

to start the show off right, one of my best friends,

one of the most talented women you'll ever meet,

the incomparable Bianca Miller.

♪ Sometimes you're asked to stand in line ♪

♪ Wait your turn, give me mine ♪

♪ Be what someone else defines, but ♪

♪ Sometimes someone's wrong ♪

♪ Sometimes someone's wrong ♪

- Barbara Streisand.

♪ Walk where he's tread ♪

♪ Step in her shoe ♪

♪ Somebody tell you you've never been blue ♪

- Norah Jones.

♪ Someone thinks he understands you, but ♪

♪ Sometimes someone's wrong ♪

- Adele.

♪ Oh, sometimes someone's wrong ♪

- Julie Andrews.

♪ Do that or if you fail the test ♪

♪ Don't sweat ♪

♪ What said by all the rest ♪

- Bernadette Peters.

♪ Don't worry when I'm second guessed ♪

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

- Kristen Chenoweth.

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

- How about a little Zoe Deschanel?

- Oh.

♪ Flower in that field out there ♪

♪ We can't say do be do without care ♪

- Alanis.

♪ 'Cause blinders can't quite be compared ♪

♪ To someone sometimes wrong, yeah ♪

♪ Sometimes someone's wrong ♪

- Kelly Clarkson.

♪ Some might say it's been late at night ♪

♪ Through when some pain gets all upright ♪

- Celine Dion.

♪ Against a world, all right let's climb ♪

♪ But sometimes I get it wrong ♪

♪ Sometimes I get it wrong ♪

- Christina Aguilera.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Don't matter if you fail the test ♪

- Liza Minnelli.

♪ Don't sweat what's said by all the rest ♪

- Dolly Parton.

♪ Don't worry when I'm second guessed ♪

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

- Judy Garland.

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

- Take it home, Bianca!

♪ Don't matter if you fail the test ♪

♪ Don't sweat what's said by all the rest ♪

♪ Don't you worry if you're second guessed ♪

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

♪ Just do what you do best ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Bianca Miller.

- On the next Impress Me.

- This can't be Piotr's house.

- Piotr's museum.

- He made a YouTube video from prison.

- Californians.

- I like take the 118 to 215, take that across the 10.

- Regardless of what happens at the competition.

You got it!

♪ Soul Pancake ♪