All language subtitles for Four Weddings and a Funeral s01e03_English

� Previously on
Four Weddings and a Funeral...

� I love you, and I've never
said that to anybody.

� I wanna be with you.

� Well, I wanna be with
a senator,

so stop kissing
your communications director

and get back to work.

� Ted Spencer has been
involved

in an extramarital affair.

Haskins worked for Spencer
as a dog walker.

� I didn't come for you.
I came for your blood sugar.

If I'm not here, you'll just
have coffee and chocolate bar.

� Finally got my letter
from Penguin Publishing.

Would you please...

� "Although it shows
great promise,

we regret that we are unable
to publish it at this time."

� I hate my job,
and I've always wanted to act.

� Hi, my name's Gemma.
I'm Ainsley's best friend.

Come on in.
� [screams] Maya!

� See those girls over there
playing soccer?

See the one in the red shorts?
MAYA: Yeah.

� That's my daughter.
� What did Zara say?

� Craig...

� Would you still like to get
a drink with me sometime?

� Maybe.

� So, you know you had
that stupid idea

that I should stay in London?
I think I'm gonna do it.

� Are you serious?

� I have a daughter.

� So you told Maya
before you told me?

� I'm sorry, I just
didn't think you'd understand.

� Wouldn't understand?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

MAYA: Why wouldn't you go
with me to Stonehenge?

AINSLEY: I don't know.
It sounds dorky.

Like Lord of the Rings.

Oh��oh, hi.
Hi, Mom.

� We need to talk.

Hey, Maya, great to see you.

� Hi, Mrs. Howard.

� Mm.

[tense music]

� So, did you and Dad
have a nice time in Bali

on my honeymoon?

� He got terrible
food poisoning.

He's resting in the hotel.

He can't eat exotic food
like rice.

� Oh, when do you guys
fly back to Texas?

� Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.

Your father and I think
you should come home with us.

� Wait, what?

� You need a fresh start
away from that man.

I knew he was trouble
from the beginning,

and not because he's Muslim.

I like Muslims.

I watch Dr. Oz every day.

� Mom, my whole life is here.
What about my store?

� You mean the store that
your father and I pay rent on?

� That is an investment
in Ainsley Howard Designs.

� What about the mortgage
that we pay on this townhouse?

� That is an investment
in Ainsley Howard the woman.

ANN: [sighs]

Listen, your father and I've
been happy

to help you out the last
couple of years,

but after
that extravagant wedding,

we have reached our limit.
Think about it, honey.

� I don't need to think
about it.

All my friends are here.
I'm staying, Mom.

� I admire your tenacity.
� Thank you.

� And it's gonna come
in handy,

because we're cutting you off.

� Oh, God.

� ♪ You've got a sweet
little place in my heart ♪

♪ Like a sweet little rain
takes care of the flowers ♪

♪ And that's love ♪

♪ Your kind of love,
your kind of love ♪

MAYA: Oh, my God!
� It's is not a big deal.

� Dude, I'm unemployed,
and your mom just cut you off.

We are one month away
from being Dickensian urchins.

� No, we're not.
No.

I run a very successful
home design store.

You're gonna get a job.
We're gonna be fine.

� You think so?
� Yeah, I know so.

� Okay, well, we need to be
smarter about money.

� Yeah.
� So let's cook
our own dinner tonight.

� Great!
I'll book a cooking class.

� No, Ains.

� Yeah, I'll Google
how to make hotdogs.

[bright music]

� Why would you quit your job?

� Because acting's the only
thing I've ever wanted to do.

I'm tired of living my life
just to please other people.

� Oh, I don't know, man.

All the actors I knew
in college

ended up dead or working
at a Hard Rock Cafe.

� Yeah, well, I've already got
an audition lined up.

It's an open call for
A Midsummer Night's Dream.

� My life sucks.

You're gonna leave me to play
a wood sprite or some shit,

and I haven't heard
from Zara in a week.

� Hey, man, she'll come back.
She always does.

� I don't know, man.
This feels different.

You should have seen her.

She was really upset.

� Well, listen,
I'm always here to talk.

� Thanks, man.

� For the next few weeks
at least.

After that, I'll be too famous.

CRAIG: [laughs]
Ugh, "too famous."

♪ ♪

� Hey.
AINSLEY: Hi.

Nice suit.

You solving crimes in a small
British seaside town?

MAYA: No, worse.

I have a job interview

with this old crusty member
of Parliament.

� Who?
� Have you ever heard
of Andrew Aldridge?

� Oh, yeah, isn't he gay?
He can't be that bad.

� I looked him up.
He's that bad.

Andrew Aldridge is the epitome
of old school white privilege.

He's completely out of touch

with the priorities
of real people,

and in general
is kind of a jerk.

� And congratulating
the Honorable Member

Thibault Server on once again
having absolutely nothing

intelligent to say
on this subject.

� [groans]

� I emailed every political
connection I had,

and he's the only response
I got.

� Oh, I'm sorry.

� Wait, why do you look hot?

� [scoffs]
I do not look hot.

� Oh, my God.
Did you contour your face?

[gasps] You did!
Your nose is, like this thin.

� Fine.

I'm going to Craig's office
later.

He's gonna help me figure out
my money stuff.

� Oh, Craig's office,
which he shares with Kash.

I thought you didn't believe in
looking hot to go see your ex.

� Okay, Miss Marple,
you got me.

I wanna look hot when I see
the man that left me
at the altar.

Is that pathetic?
� No, no, it's necessary.

Good luck.
� Thank you.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

� Oh dear, where's Ainsley,
Gemma?

� Oh, well, I don't know.

I mean, she's never
been late before.

� Poor thing.

Probably doesn't want to show
her face after what happened.

� Do you have any idea
why her fiancé called it off?

Was he cheating
because she was boring

or was he cheating
because she was tacky?

� He wasn't cheating,
she was too good for him.

Look, why don't we just start?
I'm sure she'll be along.

� Ha!
We can't very well play
two�on�one.

� [grunts]
� Can we?

� Maybe 'Stasi and I should
play singles,

just until you find a partner,
Gemma.

� Shouldn't be a problem,
a woman of her pedigree.

SOPH: [snickers]
Bye�bye.

[bright music]

It was horrible, Quentin.

� God, darling, they're awful.

Why wasn't Ainsley there?

� I don't know.
Maybe she's injured.

Americans are so cavalier
about crossing the street here,

because we have
free healthcare.

� Well, she doesn't look
injured.

She's in her living room
chatting with Maya.

� Is she?

[phone beeps off]

[phone bleeps]
� I mean, this is
very conservative.

� Yeah.

� Oh, my God.

[phone beeping]

� Like hell I will.

Hmm.
[phone bleeps]

♪ ♪

DUFFY: So, if you could have
any other job in the world

except for French teacher,
what would it be?

TABBY: Um, I guess
a French tutor.

Does that count?
� [laughs]

No, no, that does not count.

� I'm sorry.
Okay��'kay, what about you?

� Uh, well, you're gonna think
this is kinda lame,

but I've always kind of thought
of myself as a novelist.

� Really?
� Yeah.

� You seem too stable
and well�adjusted to be
a novelist.

� Hmm, well, actually,
I have, uh, quite a dark past.

Half my grandparents are dead.

� [laughs]

Oh, I'm so sorry.
� No, no, no I'm just kidding.

[both laugh]

� So, do you fancy yourself
as a novelist

or have you written anything?

� Yeah, actually,
a whole book.

� No.
What's it about?

� It's a quiet epic spanning
six generations.

One New England family coping
with love, loss,

and the decline
of the cod industry.

� Oh, my God,
that sounds brilliant.

Would you ever let anybody
read it?

� Are you kidding?
Yeah!

No, I'll go print you
off a copy right now.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

I should probably
email it to you.
It's 1,400 pages long.

� Wow.
[both laugh]

Can't wait.

♪ ♪

� George, I love working
on the acquisitions team...

GEORGE: And you did
a great job
with the Asia�Pacific fund.

I'd say you have a real yen
for it.

[clicks tongue]
� [laughs]

Thanks, but recently,
I've been reassessing my life,

and I've decided
to pursue acting full time.

� Look, mate, I get
what this is about.

Huh?

How 'bout a 20% raise?

� This isn't about a raise.

� Sure, it isn't.
30%.

� No, look, this is just
something I have to do.

� Oh, you are a real arsehole,

which, I guess, is why
I hired you.

35% and that's my final offer.

� I'm sorry, George.
Consider this
my two weeks notice.

� But you're my favorite, Kash.

And you dressed up as Aladdin
for my daughter's birthday.

She still asks about you!

[phone ringing]

� It's so weird that you still
have to share an office
with Kash.

� I know.

Yeah, I tried to switch,
but I guess

no one wants to share with him,
'cause...he sucks.

� So, where is he anyway?
� Oh, uh, he doesn't spend
a lot of time in here.

I kind of iced him out.

Anyway, screw that guy.
Let's talk about your money.

Now,
without your family's help,

you're gonna have to live
solely off the profits
from your store.

� Well, that's fine, right?

I mean, I always have
a million people in there.

Most of them are
Asian teenagers Instagramming,
but still...

� Yeah, the thing is,
you have to make more
than you spend, Ains.

� I know that, Craig.

� Which currently,
given your expenses, you don't.

Come here, take a look.

Orchids, fancy bottled water,
pet daycare for your two
design assistants...

Do you need two
design assistants?

You should fire one.

� My Tonys?
Definitely not.

They are the bedrock
of my business
and the wind beneath my wings.

� Well, you need to save money
somewhere.

Make some trims.
Don't pay
for everybody's lunch.

Turn the heat down.
Pick up your own takeout.

You gotta think about
what's essential
and cut everything else.

� Okay, I'll do it.
Gotta start somewhere, right?

� [groans]

� Hey, thank you for having
my back after the wedding.

I know it cost you a friend.

� Oh, yeah!
Oh.

AINSLEY: Mm, I love you.
� I love you.

Yep, okay.
[chuckles nervously]

� See you later.

[laid�back music]

♪ ♪

MARCUS: Exactly, yeah.
[laughs]

Well, thank you for your time,
sir,

and keep fighting
the good fight.

[laughs]
Yeah.

Uh, you might want to give him
a minute or so.

He's still in the afterglow.

� I think I'll be fine.

� Oh.
[laughs]

You're American.
How fun.

Perhaps, a fresh, foreign
perspective is just

what this notoriously
traditional man is looking for.

� Maybe.

� [snickers]
ANDREW: Next!

[clicks tongue]

Best of luck, love.

[breathes deeply]

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

� Ah, you have
excellent references

from your employers
in the States.

All of them quite liberal
I see.

� Well, "If you're not liberal
when you're young,
you have no heart."

� "And if you're not
conservative when you're old,
You have no brain."

Churchill, not bad.

� Well, if you think I'm good
at quoting speeches,

you should see how well
I write them.

� Ah, well,
I do like confidence,

and I must say
your CV is sterling.

Although, you do gloss over
your exit from your last job.

I gather you were sleeping
with the senator.

� [scoffs]

I'm sorry,
but how do you know that?

� Politics is a small world,
dear.

In this puritan age,
gossip is one of the few vices
we're still allowed.

� Well, it was
a complicated situation.

� Oh, I don't care.

I'm just trying
to discern whether

you're a successful woman
who had an affair with her boss

or a woman who's successful
because she had an affair
with her boss.

� [sighs]
Okay, I think we're done here.

� Oh, is this interview over?

� It is.

I don't wanna work
for someone like you.

� Well, we're in luck,

because I don't wanna hire
someone like you.

Kindly get out of my office.

� [scoffs]

[door opens]

� Of course England is run
by old white men.

England invented old white men.

� We never talk about
all the good things

old white men have done, do we?

Harvey.

Like, abolished slavery,
gave women the right to vote.

� Maybe it's a good thing
you didn't get this job.

This guy sounds horrible.
� I know.

And how dare he imply
that I slept my way to the top.

� Of course you didn't.
� Not at all.

Being a politician's assistant
hardly qualifies as "the top."

� Oh, you should work
for Perce Nighthall.

He works out at my club.

� I would love to.

Perce Nighthall is, like,
my dream politician.

Yeah, he's passionate,
authentic...

� Yeah, for sure.
There you go.

MAYA: And he, like,
never wears a tie.

� No matter what the color
of your skin

or your gender
or your socioeconomic
background...

� Can you introduce me
to him?

� Oh, no, no, no.

When I go to the club,
I usually just sit

in the steam room until
my newspaper wilts.

� Well, maybe you could get me
a day pass?

Even if he doesn't have
a job for me,
I'd love to meet him.

QUENTIN: [splutters]

Sure, swing by tomorrow.
Maybe you'll bump into him.

� Oh, my God, thank you.

� Ainsley and I would
come with, but we have plans.

� Mm, I was gonna text you.
I was wondering if we could��

� You promised you'd help me
find a dress

for Giles' Parents' Weekend
at Cragscross.

� Keep our plans exactly
the same.

[laughs]
� Good.

Now try the Stilton.
It's divine.

� Ooh.

[soft music]

� "My lord, fair Helen
told me of their stealth.

"Of this, their purpose
hither to this wood.

And I, in fury, hither��"

Hey, Dad.
� Hi.

� What happened to your head?
HAROON: Nothing.

I tried to lift a ski bag
onto the scale,
and I passed out.

� What?

Did you forget to check
your blood sugar again?

� I know, it know.
It's my fault.

I deserve my bump.

� Abu, you have to take
better care of yourself.

� I do.

I eat salad.
I wear my Fitbit.

� Wearing it is not
the exercise.

You have to walk too.

How many times are we gonna
have this conversation?

You have a 12�year�old son.
He needs you around.

� It's just hard.

I get home after a long day
at work,

and the last thing
I want to do is go walking.

[groans]

[exhales]

� I'm sorry.
It's not just Asif
who needs you around.

Okay?
We both do.

� Why?

You don't listen to me anyway.

I saw you with a glass
of something on Facebook.

You drink apple juice
at the pub?

� I'll make you dinner.

� Can it be fish?
KASH: Sure.

� And chips?
You already said yes.

Heh.

[Billie Eilish's bad guy
playing]

� You know I love you.
� I love you more.

� But I am trying to make
this business more efficient,

so what would you say your main
responsibilities are here?

� Um, picking the store
playlist.

� Keeping track of merchandise.

� Inspiring you to take
hair risks.

� Restocking the store.
� Interpreting your dreams.

� Issuing invoices.

� Just like,
generally being here

and, like, vibing.

� Look, Tony 1, I think
you are fabulous.

� Oh, my God, I think
you're so fabulous too.

Like, you're the only person
I've ever worked for who, like,

actually believes in me
and doesn't make me feel like
I'm shit.

Like my stepdad Rod used to.

� Uh...

Tony 1, Tony 2,

after careful consideration,

I have decided that the best
way to cut the budget is...

No more bottled water.

� Oh, my God, no.
No, no, no.

We should��we should phase
it out gradually

over the course
of three months.

Ainsley!

I'm going to go on
a hunger strike.

� ♪ I'm the bad guy ♪

� [clears throat]

Excuse me, hi.
Are you Perce Nighthall?

� I am.
Do you work here?

Because I brought this magazine
from home,

so I am allowed to fill out
the sudoku.

� No, um, I'm just a fan.

I loved that speech
you gave defending
the National Health Service.

It was awesome.

� Wow, I did not realize
British Members of Parliament

were celebrities
with young Americans.

I should move to L. A.

� Well, no, I used to work
in a Senate office in New York.

Do you know Ted Spencer?

� Yeah, of course, he gave
that terrific speech

on wage inequality.

� Well, I guess you're a fan
of me too.

I wrote that.
� You're serious?

� Yeah.
� That is incredibly
impressive.

It's a pleasure to meet you.
� Thank you.

I am Maya Jones.

This might be too forward,
but you wouldn't be
in the market

for a speech writer, would you?

� You know, maybe I would.

Why don't you give my office
a call?

� Great.
Yeah, I will.

Thank you.
� It's my pleasure.

Oh, hey, Maya.

[whispers]
I stole this.

Shh.
� Oh, just...

� All right, feedback time.

And let me have it.

Did you love my book
or did you love�love it?

[both laugh]

� Okay, well, let me begin
by saying I am honored

you let me read this.

� And just be honest
and don't hold back.

� Okay, well,
my honest assessment

is that it's far too long,
oddly plotted,

and very self�indulgent.

� Uh�huh.
Yeah, okay.

I can feel a "but" coming.

� Well, I just feel

the protagonist masturbates
far too often.

� Mm�hmm.

Yeah, well, he doesn't��yeah,

it's just he masturbates
a normal amount.

So it's probably just
gender bias.

� Oh, Duffy,
please don't get upset.

I'm in awe you finished
a novel,

and there is a 20�page
section at the end,

which is��oh, it's exquisite.

� Out of a 1,400�page novel,

you like 20 pages?

You know what, maybe you don't
get it 'cause of cultural
differences, huh?

'Cause all my American friends,
they love my novel.

� Oh, they do?
� Yeah, yeah, they do.

So maybe you need to go
reread it, or I�I don't know.

Tabby, maybe you
should just...go.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[chair scrapes]

♪ ♪

[door opens and closes]

[taps pencil]

[upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

� Are you ready to begin
alterations, Madam?

� No, just a moment.
I'm waiting for my friend.

I trust her eye more than mine.

She's American
and unburdened by tact.

CLEMENTINE:
Is that Gemma Thorpe�Blood?

[phone beeps]

� It is Gemma Thorpe�Blood.

Oh, how are you, darling?
It's been ages.

[both smooch]
� Clementine.

[both smooch]
Atalanta.

What a wonderful surprise.

I'm just picking up a dress for
Parents' Weekend at Cragscross.

� Oh, you look marvelous.
You'll be best in show.

[both snicker]

� Ciao, darling.
Bye.

� Must brunch soon, yeah?
Bye�bye.

� Bye.

� So...which Tony did you fire?

� Neither, I chickened out.
� Ugh.

� And then I felt so bad
about even considering it

that I bought them both
Ariana Grande tickets.

Heh.
� Oh, I'm sorry, Ains.

� My mother's right.

I should just give up
and go home.

� No.
No, you shouldn't.

You can do this.

[knocking at door]

I got it.
[knock at door]

Oh!

� Oh, hey, Gemma��

[gasps]
Oh, my God, dress shopping.

I'm so sorry.
I got caught up with work.

� And you couldn't call
or text or do that

WhatsApp thing you made me
download when we went
to Croatia?

� You gotta cut me some slack.

I am trying to keep
my business alive.

� Oh, so that gives you
free rein to act like

a complete and utter arsehole,
does it?

� I am not an "arsehole."

I'm just not some rich guy's
bored wife

who has all the time
in the world.

[solemn music]

GEMMA: I see.
� I didn't��

� Sorry to have bothered you.

� Gemma!
[door opens and closes]

[sighs]

[impatient music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

� Khan.

Oh, sorry, Kash Khan.

♪ ♪

� Hi.

� Whenever you're ready.

� "My love to Hermia,
melted as the snow,

seems to me now as��"

Sorry, do you mind
if I start again?

� Of course.

� "My love to Hermia,
melted as the snow,

"seems to me now,
as the remembrance of
an idle gaud,

"Which in my childhood
I did dote upon.

"To her, my lord,
was I betroth'd ere
I saw Hermia:

"But like in sickness,
did I loathe this food;

"But as in health,
come to my natural taste.

"Now I do wish it, love it,
long for it,

and will for evermore
be true to it."

� Thanks for coming in.

� I could try it again,
different way.

� We've seen all we need.

� Thank you.

� Look, darling,
an unannounced guest.
Your favorite.

MAYA: I'm sorry to bother you.

I know now might not
be the best time,

but I got an interview
with Perce Nighthall,

and I wanted to say thanks.

� Oh!
Thank you.

Lovely, lovely bottle
of scotch.

It'll be perfect
for very late in the evening.

� Oh.
� And I'm too far gone
to know the difference.

� Congratulations
on the interview.

� Are you okay?
� Yes, I'm fine.

It's nothing.

If you must know,
I have no friends.

� No, Ainsley didn't mean��
GEMMA: Really, and it's not
just her.

It's those evil twats
that I socialize with.

They make fun of me,
because my...my father started

a dog food company.

So they have
mean little nicknames��

Pedigree, Best in Show.

� It really is
a wonderful product.

They only use choice cuts
and almost no fecal matter.

� I'm sorry,
I don't understand.
What's the problem?

� Well, they all think
I'm beneath them,

because I'm "new money."

We didn't inherit our wealth.

We made it all through
hard work.

� Why do you hang out
with these people?

They sound terrible.

� Without Ainsley,
they're all I have.

She was my only true friend.

� Well, I know she's going
through a lot right now,

but I'm always here if you ever
need someone to talk to.

� Well, that's kind, dear,
thank you.

But neither of us
really want that.

� Yeah.

[phone beeps]

� [laughs]
Kash!

You were right.
Zara's coming back.

I was all worried
about nothing.

� Oh, that's brilliant.

Hey, I've got a huge problem.

I've been a delusional idiot,

and I've gotta beg George
to give me job back.

� Dude, what are you talking
about?

What happened at the audition?
� I was rubbish.

In all my excitement
about becoming an actor,

I never stopped to ask
if I was any good.

And guess what.
I'm not.

� Listen, I would love
nothing more

than for you and I to grow old
together sitting in this office.

But if acting means
this much to you,

you owe it to yourself
to keep trying.

You already gave George
your notice.

Don't waste any more time here.

� [sighs]
I don't know.

Do you really think
I can do this?

� I do.

But I'm wrong
about most things.

[laughs]

[bright music]

MAYA: The right is exploiting
cultural anxieties to steal

working class votes,
so Labour needs to be

the party of economic hope.

� Yes, I've always said
"the voter with an eye
on his wallet

doesn't care
about the accent of the man
across the street."

� Exactly.
� Yeah.

� Sorry if this
is too American,

but I would be so excited
to work for you.

I'm really impressed
by your policy positions.

� Well, thank you very much.
You're hired.

� [laughs]
You're funny.

� Yeah, no.
Seriously, I like you.

You're hired.

� Oh, wow.
Uh, thank you.

� Ta�da.

I think we are going to do
some really great things
together.

My office will be in touch.

� Thank you.

[tense music]

CRAIG: I don't get it.
You got the job.

What's the problem now?

� I'm afraid he hired me,
'cause he thinks

I might sleep with him.

� What?
What makes you say that?

� I think he knows about Ted.

The other guy
I interviewed with knew,
so why wouldn't he?

� Maybe you're just
being paranoid.

� I don't know.

At the end of the interview,

he did this thing with my arm.

� You mean he grabbed your arm?

� No.
� Like, did something sexual
with your arm?

� No, here, let me show you.

� Oh, no.
Please, no.

I actually hate being used
in demonstrations, so��

� Just stand up.
� [mutters]

� He was like:

[in British accent]
I think we're going

to do great things together.

� Gah��yeah, that's creepy.

� What?
That is so nothing.

� Insane.
� You don't know how I felt!

This is why I hate being used
in demonstrations.

MAYA: Is that what people
are gonna think

for the rest of my life
that everything I achieved

was because I was sleeping
with my boss?

� Babe, that is so crazy.

You know you're good
at your job.

� Yeah.
MAYA: Do I?

It's hard to know for sure
when all my promotions

came from my boyfriend.

� You guys, this is just like
Daisy and Professor Winthrop.

� What?
� Who's Daisy?

� Duffy, what the hell
are you talking about?

� From my book.

They're characters
from my novel,

which you all love.

CRAIG: [splutters]
Oh!

The��your��your��your book,
the characters, and the��the...

� Wow, none of you read it.

None of you read my book.

� I started your book.
� I skimmed.

� I'm like a��like
a quarter in.

� Yeah, but none of you
finished it!

� It was really long.

� Craig, you read
all the Harry Potters
in three days.

� Yeah, but those are, like,
interesting.

No, no!
Um...

DUFFY: Oh, that's good.

You know what?
Oh.

This is actually perfect fodder
for my next novel,

A Man With No Friends.

� Duffy, calm down.
Duffy!

� Nope.
CRAIG: Duffy!

[dramatic violin music]

� [groans]

� [sighs]

[subdued music]

♪ ♪

[taps cup]

♪ ♪

� Well, this is a disaster.

� What?

� I have absolutely nothing
to wear

to the Parents' Weekend.

I'm sorry, darling, we're gonna
have to go shopping.

� But you hate shopping.

� No, no, I love it.

Why have a shirt tailor�made
when you can buy one

other people's bodies
have touched.

� All right.
If you want to.

I still haven't found a dress
myself yet.

� Brilliant.

Also, I think my nails
could do with some attention.

� Your nails?
� Yeah.

I would love for them

to be more triangular
and reflective.

� And let me guess,
you also have a yearning

to go to Butt�Sculpting
with Kelly?

� Yeah.

What a fun girls' day
we have in store.

� Oh, Quentin.
[smooches]

Come on, let's get ready.
� Oh, my God.

[indistinct chatter]

� You too.
� See you soon.

� Hi, Tabby.

� Hi, Duffy.

� Look, I'm really sorry.

� I was just trying to help.
� Oh, I know that you were.

I'm sorry, do you mind
going up a step

so that the height difference
isn't so weird?

Look, I really like you.

I like talking with you
and spending time with you.

And I just hope I didn't ruin
it all by snapping at you

about my stupid book.

� It's not stupid.

I was far too harsh.
� No, you were right.

I mean, there must be
some reason

that every publishing house
rejected it.

And I know that, you know,
young, white, male authors

aren't really in vogue
right now.

� You're losing me.
� Yeah, right, totally.

You know, you said
that there were 20 pages

of my book
that you really liked,

and I was hoping that maybe
you would help me

turn them into a short story.

� I'd be happy to.

[tender music]

♪ ♪

ALL: Ooh!

� Quiet or you'll
get detention!

♪ ♪

KASH: Oh, my God, thank you!
Yes, thank you so much.

[phone beeps off]

Yes!

[exhaling deeply]

[phone clicks]

[phone bleeps]

� Oh.

[phone bleeps]

[laughs]
My man.

[phone bleeps]

� [laughs]

[excited grunt]

[door opens]

� Zara.

Zara?

Zara?

ZARA: "Dearest Craig, I had
thought I could face you,

"but now that I'm here,
I realize that I'm a coward.

"As I write this,
my eyes are blinded by tears

"partially from the colored
contact lenses I'm wearing,

"but mostly because
I'm leaving you,

"and I'm devastated.

"I loved you with
all my heart

"and showed you every part
of my soul,

"but I realized
you will never be able
to do the same.

"So now I must try
to rebuild my life.

"Also, I couldn't find
my Prince George
commemorative plate.

"If you see it,
please send it to
my second best friend, Poppy,

"'Cause Midge is in jail
for punching a bus driver.

Sincerely, Zar."

SINGER: ♪ As I saw
my love is fading ♪

♪ Yes, I saw my love ♪

[knocks at door]
� Hey, I'm heading out.

Do you need anything?
� Uh, no, I think I'm good.

How was your first day?
� Oh, great.

You Brits take work�life
balance very seriously.

Everyone left for the pub
at, like, 4:59.

� Tomorrow, I am gonna need
you to write a press release.

� On the new
environmental restrictions?

Already did it.
� And to think I very nearly
didn't go to the gym that day.

[both laugh]

I'm so glad you're here, Maya.
I am one lucky guy.

[uneasy music]

� What are you doing?
� Uh, what?

� You put your hand on my back.

� No, no, that��that, uh,
that was not a put.

That was a pat.

"Good job, well done."

That's pretty universal,
I think.

I'll see you tomorrow, Maya.

� Sorry, but I have to ask.

Did you hire me
because you thought I might
sleep with you?

� [scoffs]

Maya, how dare you ask me
a question like that.

I am a feminist.
My sister is a lesbian.

� Look, you might be a creep,
or maybe you're just some

nice guy with boundary issues,
but I'm sorry,
I can't work here.

'Cause even if I succeed,
part of me will never be sure

it's for the right reasons.

� You were the one
who approached me in the gym

wearing a sports bra.

What message did you think
you were sending?

� And there it is.
Thank you for confirming
I was right.

� I�I am not a creep.

[phone buzzes]

[phone clicks]

� Hi, Mom.
ANN: Good morning, honey.

I find the most adorable space
for your new shop.

And it's right down
from your father's office.

You could drive to work
together.

� I told you, Mom,
I'm not moving home.

� You say that now,
but we both know it's just
a matter of time.

� [chokes]
ANN: You are a talented
designer.

� [gagging]
� But Howard women just do not
have a head for business.

� [moaning]

Tony?
[squealing]

Tony?
[gags]

[snorts,
moaning]

[grunting]

[panting]

� Hi.
[thuds]

� [exasperated sigh]

� So, I'm not allowed
to nap at work and you are.

Well, good to be king, I guess.
Excuse me.

[dramatic music]

AINSLEY: First of all, Tony 2,
I'd like to thank you

for coming in on short notice.

I hope it didn't ruin
your day off.

� No, clearly,
I wasn't doing anything.

� [smacks lips]

Here's the thing.

My dad always handled
my finances,

and I thought
after I married Kash,

he would take care
of that stuff

and all the things
I thought I couldn't do.

� Oh, my God, girl, same.

Like, my boyfriend Marvin
does all my laundry,

because I can't tell
the washer from the dryer.

They look the same.

� I'm sorry, but why are you
telling us all this?

� Because I have to let you go,
Tony 1.

� What?
� Mm.

TONY 1: No!
� Yes.

� Why?
AINSLEY: Because you don't
do anything.

A great example of that
is when I was
choking to death earlier,

and you were outside vaping.

� You know, there was a reason
I had to vape at that moment.

� Hmm.

� And you and you will never
know what that was.

Good�bye, Ainsley.

[door slams]

� Can I just be called
Tony now?

� Definitely not, Tony 2.

[bubbly music]

♪ ♪

� Dad, I'm home.
Dad?

Dad?

Where are you?
I'm hungry.

Dad?

Dad!

[sorrowful music]

♪ ♪

� "They were stolen
onto this wood,

"And here am I, and wode
within this wood,

Because I cannot meet
my Hermia."

[phone buzzing]
[phone clicks]

Hey, dude, what's up?
ASIF: It's Dad.

I don't know what to do.
� Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow
down, what happened?

ASIF: He was on the floor,
and he wouldn't wake up.

� Is he okay?
ASIF: I don't know.

They're taking him
to City of London Hospital.

� All right,
I'll meet you there.

♪ ♪

[sullen music]

♪ ♪

� This is all my fault.
I always made him eat bad.

We split a Twix yesterday.

� Come on, bro.
� I messed up,
and now he's gonna die.

� He's not gonna die.

� Is that what they told you
when Mum got sick?

What are we gonna do
without him?

� Look, stop thinking
like that.

� [sighs]

� Dad's gonna be okay.
� You don't know that.

♪ ♪

[knocking at door]

� Hey, Quentin.
What's up?

� Oh, "What's up"?

I'll tell you exactly
what's up.

I've just had my nails done.
� Oh.

� I've just been
on a five�hour shopping spree.

I've had my arse sculpted
to within an inch of its life
by Kelly.

� That sounds like
an amazing day.

� Then why aren't you the one
doing it?

Hmm?

You've hurt the feelings
of the best person
I've ever known,

and I know Hugh Laurie.

� Well, I didn't mean
to hurt her feelings.

It's��I've just��I've been
really busy��

� We're all busy.

Well, I'm not, obviously.
I'm incredibly wealthy,
but still...

Gemma planned
your bridal shower, didn't she?

She encouraged you
when you opened up your shop.

Yeah.
She does so much for you
and for me.

Whenever I pass out in bed,
'cause I've been
overserved again,

I always wake up
under my blanket,

little bottle
of Paracetamol next to me.

I don't deserve that.
I don't deserve her.

� And neither do I.
You're right.

I will make it up to her.

� Oh, you bet my sculpted arse
you will.

Now, you listen
and you listen good.

This is what's gonna happen.

In 20 minutes,
you are going to come over

and you will bend the knee
and you will beg
for her forgiveness.

Do you understand?
� Yes.

� Do you understand?
� Yes.

� Do you?
� Yes.

� She will never know
this conversation took place.

Good day to you.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

ANDREW: [muttering]

[door slams]

Oh, good, it's you.

� I came to apologize.
I was completely out of line.

And yeah, your questions
were sexist,

and your political positions
are archaic��

� American contrition
is quite rude.

� But I do want to work
for you.

� Why should I hire
a boorish American

who finds my positions
"archaic"?

� Because I know that tomorrow
you're giving a speech
on the Home Education Bill.

� And?

� And based
on previous speeches,

you'll point
to the incompetent,
local authorities

the lack
of a national curriculum,

and the failures
of the school attendance order.

� Perhaps, and what if I do?

� You'll be leaving out
the really convincing argument

about kids with special needs,
especially those
without an EHC plan.

That one was for free.

But if you want any more help,
you'll have to hire me.

� Interesting,
but I've already hired Marcus.

Marcus, get in here.

� Yes, sir.

� Now, each of you is more
than qualified to do this job,

so I've decided to hire
you both on half salary.

I hope that won't cause
any problems.

� Not at all.

� Yes, sir.
Brilliant idea.

That's that Margaret Thatcher
spirit.

One of us will rise to the top
and the other will die

choking on the rubbish
in the gutter.

� Oh, I don't care
about your dynamic.

Please leave.

� [clears throat]
� Thank you.

Well, if we're gonna work
together,

I hope we can be friends.

� Yeah, one small problem.

I can't be friends
with my mortal enemy.

Have a bad night.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

� I am so sorry
for what I said, Gemma.

� I'm not just a housewife
with endless time on her hands.

I'm on the board
of three different
bird�related charities.

� I know,
and you do so much for me
and for the birds.

I'm sorry.
I've��I've been a shit friend
because of work.

� And Maya's neediness.

� But I promise to always
make time for you.

� Perfect.
Our court time tomorrow
is 6:00 a. m.

Dress to impress.

Come on,
I'll show you my outfit.

� Kash Khan.

Kashif Khan.

Kalij.

[solemn music]

♪ ♪

� Dad.
� Dad, you're alive!

� Were you worried about me,
Beta?

Hmm?

� The doctor says
you're gonna recover.

But you have to stop
working so hard,

and your diet has to change
completely.

� If I stop working,
who's going to clothe Asif?

Huh?

I keep telling him
to stop growing,

but he won't listen.

[chuckles]

� You won't have to work
double shifts anymore.

I just got a big raise.

I'm gonna take care of you,
both of you.

� How much is the raise?

Can I get a Nintendo Switch
with five games?

� Get your own raise, man.

HAROON: [chuckles]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

AINSLEY: Hello!
� Hi.

Look, I know it's game night,

but I'm not gonna stay long.

I'll play one game
of Monopoly until the end
and that is it.

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

Wow. What��uh, what's this?

� Duffy, we were total dicks
about your writing,

and we wanted to make it
up to you.

� So we're all gonna read
your book together,

even if it takes
the rest of our lives.

� I�I don't know what to say.
This is so sweet.

Thank you, guys.
� Craig, you start.

� From Once Was Plenty��

"Have you ever looked
into the canyon

"and had the canyon
stare back at you?

"In his 30 years
as a park ranger...

"Ulysses Vance...

"had never felt...

so utterly alone."

� Craig, are you crying?

Is my book good?

� No.
� Okay.

� I have to tell you something.

Zara and I broke up...

for real.

She's not coming back
this time.

� Craig, what happened?

� I kept something really big
from her.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I have a daughter.

♪ ♪

[bright music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter on tablet]

� Had too much again, darling?

[chatter on tablet continues]

I can't fathom
why you're asleep.

Snooker is so gripping.

Quentin, darling...

Quentin, darling?

♪ ♪

Am I gonna have to put you
in your pajamas again?

Quentin.

[dramatic music]

Quentin?
Darling?

Quentin!

Quentin!
Oh, my God.

Darling?
Wake��

Quentin!

[speaks indistinctly]
Quentin.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Darling?

Oh, my God, oh, no.
What do I do?

Where's my phone?
Quentin!

Quentin, darling?

Oh, my God!

[somber piano music]

♪ ♪

MAN: Go to bed.