All language subtitles for American Pie Reunion 8_(2012)

(SOULFUL R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

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(BED SQUEAKING)

Is he asleep yet?

Yeah, I'll go put him to bed.

(SIGHS)

R. Kelly always does the trick.

I think Evan may be
developing a rash.

You know, when you rub
the Aquaphor on his tush,

you can't just
put it on his cheeks,

you have to rub it
all over the anus, too.

All over the anus, got it.

I think I'm going
to take a bath, okay?

Okay, babe. Go for it.

(WATER RUNNING)

Not this time.

Okay, come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on. Okay.

(VOCALIZING SOFTLY)

Yep.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah, you like
it nasty, don't you?

Oh, I do. I do, I'm sorry.
Guilty as charged. (CHUCKLES)

God, you're so big, it hurts.

I know, I can't help it.

Oh, yeah!

Give it to me, daddy. Oh, yeah.

Give it to me, daddy.
Give it to me... Oh, yeah.

EVAN: Daddy?

Evan! What the...

You're opening doors now?
How did...

I saw a monster. A what?

WOMAN: Stick your
finger in my asshole.

God. (WOMAN MOANS)

Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!

Come on, come on, come on.
Fuck, yeah!

I want you to come
all over my...

(IN FALSETTO) Oh, my God!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Evan, don't touch that!

Don't...

Daddy, boo-boo.

What the...

Oh, my God.

Okay, don't move. Stay here.

Daddy needs a Band-Aid.

(MICHELLE MOANING)

Michelle?

Do you...

Mommy, Daddy, are you okay?

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Jim Levenstein.

They still haven't gotten
you an assistant yet, huh?

Kev, I'm sorry, I've been
meaning to call you back.

I've just been... Busy?

I get it.

Look, I'll make
this quick, okay?

The reunion, you in?

Hold on, is that
really happening?

Yeah, man, check your Facebook.

Look, I know they missed
the ten-year by a couple,

but, you know, seems like
people are actually going.

Hey, hon. Hey!

Mmm. Dinner smells great.

Hey, Ellie.

ELLIE: Hey, Jim.

Ooh, Bachelorette finale later.

And don't forget, we still
have to watch Real Housewives.

Yeah, how could I forget?

Hey, Kev, you know who
my favorite housewife is?

You.

Very funny.

Look, I love my wife, but I
need a weekend with the guys.

Come on, we'll go a few days early.
No Stifler this time.

Just you, me, Oz and Finch.

Yeah, well,
good luck with that.

I heard Finch's mom doesn't
even know where he is.

And what about Oz?

I mean, do you really think he would
come with all he has going on?

And we're back
here on Sports View,

with my special guest,
Chad Ochocinco.

Chad, which college
football powerhouse

is gonna have the most players
drafted in this year's draft?

I'm gonna have to go with my
alma mater, the Oregon State.

Come on, man!
What are you smoking, Ocho?

You think I don't know
what I'm talking about?

Do me a favor,
take a look at the tape.

Hey, babe, I'm home!

And that wraps it up for my
special guest, Chad Ochocinco.

This is Chris Ostreicher reminding
you to play on, (IN FALSETTO) plava!

Hey, Mia?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my gosh!
So funny. (LAUGHING)

Oh, hey, baby!

Hi!

I was just watching
your show a minute ago.

Oh, yeah?

Is everything okay?

You tell me. You're in the
hot tub with another dude.

You are worried about Deshaun?

Aw, that is so cute!

Deshaun's the interior
decorator I told you about.

Hey, Christopher!

Strip down! Come join us.

Maybe next time, Deshaun.

I still don't get why we
need an interior decorator.

Because the place needs to look
perfect for the InStyle shoot.

Babe, trust me.

Remember how you didn't wanna go
on Celebrity Dance Off at first?

Now think of all
the fans you have.

Oh! I almost forgot, Mario Lopez
is having a Memorial Day party.

I told him we're in.

(CHUCKLES) Actually,
I was thinking about going

to my high school
reunion that weekend.

Well, if you're going,
I'm going, too.

Really? Yeah.

All right.

Mia, love, phone call.
It's Rumer.

Oh, shit, let me talk to her.

What's with you jacking
my style, bitch?

DESHAUN: Anything I can
get for you, Christopher?

Uh...

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Morning, co-workers
and cock-jerkers!

Reggie, give me some love.

Looking good, Stifler.

Ladies, better be working hard,

you weren't hired
for your looks.

Actually, you were.

Not you. (WOMAN SCOFFS)

Seriously?

Bob, what are you doing here?

Don't you know
they fired your ass?

What? (LAUGHS)

I'm just fucking with you.

Or am I?

(STUTTERS) Hey!

Coffee for the pretty lady?

Sure, thanks.

Let me know if you want
some creamer with that.

(GRUNTS)

Hello, you. How are you?

"Oh, I'm good, Stifmeister,
'cause you know what?

'Cause you're the best."

"Oh, I am the best."
"Yes, you are the..."

"You know, I love you so much that I'm
going to just have some fun down here."

"Oh, yeah, yeah..."

What the hell are you doing?
Jesus Christ!

Shit, sorry, Mr. Duraiswamy
It's... I was just...

Huh?
That's good, it's all clean.

I told you to print out the morning
numbers and put them on my desk,

and you're making
yourself at home?

No, I just thought...
(MOCKING) "I just thought..."

I don't pay you to think.
You are a temp.

Yeah, about that. I feel like I'm
being way underutilized here.

Oh, you do, do you?

Thank you for telling
me how you feel.

Do you mind if I
tell you how I feel?

I feel the sooner you realize
that you're the bitch,

not the boss,

(WHISPERING) the better
off you will be.

(WHISPERS) Fucker.
What was that?

Nothing!

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy.

(LOUDLY) Fucker!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

You know, we still haven't
discussed the whole

bathtub incident.

Huh? Oh, that? That's...

That“ Don't worry about that.

Well, I mean,
you know, obviously,

I would prefer it
if I was the one

that made you
feel that way, but...

I know how you feel.

Every time I want to shop online
and I start typing "Amazon,"

"amazingcollegesluts.com"
pops up.

Amazing what?

Okay, look, obviously

we need to have
more fun together.

I promise you, this weekend,

there is going to be plenty of
Jim and Michelle time, okay?

Hey!

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Oh!

It's so good to see you.
JIM: Hey, Dad.

Hello, son! Come here.

Hi! Hi!

LEVENSTEIN: Oh, no!
Look who that is!

Look at this big bruiser!
Oh, my goodness!

He has grown.
LEVENSTEIN: Look at him! Huh?

Someone's got
a little poopy diaper.

(PUNK MUSIC BLARING)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Jim?

I can't believe it's you.

You don't remember me, do you?

Uh...
Remember Teletubby Tuesdays?

Kara?

Oh, my God.

What? You're not
a kid any more.

It's been a long time since
I needed a babysitter.

I can't believe how
much you've grown up.

Thanks!

It's actually my 18th
birthday tomorrow.

Eighteen, wow.

You should come to my party.

Oh, uh...

Thank you, no. I...
Yeah, that might be difficult.

Please, I want you
to come so bad.

Hey, Kara! We gotta go.

Okay, relax.

That's AJ. Don't ask.

Hopefully I will
see you tomorrow.

What?
AJ: Who the fuck was that?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey.

Who were you talking to?

That was just
the kid next door.

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Hello, my old friends.

I thought about
throwing them out,

but they just have
too much sentimental value.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Oh, Jim, Jim, Jim.

You know, I can remember when
you were just a little guy.

And now you've got
your own little guy.

I know.

And before you know it,
he's gonna be a teenager...

Wow.

And you'll be teaching him
about masturbation

and, you know, all the
do's and all the don'ts

that have to do with
the little guy's weenie.

Right? Okay?

Hopefully, it'll be more of a bratwurst
by the time he's a teenager...

Okay, Dad, I get it.
...but I'm just...

Well, these are things you're
gonna have to deal with.

I understand. It's just,
you know, he's two.

Well, yeah, maybe
you've got time, but..

So, you know, I just, I'd rather
not talk about his penis.

How you doing, Dad? I'm good.

Yeah? What are you doing for fun?
You seen any movies lately?

Well, you know, your mother and
I did go to a lot of movies.

Well...

You know, it has been three
years since she passed, Dad.

There's gotta be someone in
town you can see a movie with.

I have you now.
We'll see a movie tonight, you and me.

(STUTTERING) Tonight?

Well, I made plans
with the guys,

to meet up with them
tonight at the bar... Oh.

But... Yeah, yeah...

But I don't need to do that.
I can do that tomorrow.

No. No, no, no, no.
This is why you're in town, isn't it?

No, no, no.
You go. I'll be fine.

I was just planning
on staying in tonight

and, you know,
doing a little reading.

Oh, not this. No. No.

Although, I do remember reading
a very interesting article

on something Brazilian.

Boy, these pages are all
stuck together here.

I got it.

Kev.

Hey!

What's up, man? Jim.

Hey, guys!

Oz. There he is.

You made it.

Hey, I missed your wedding,
I wasn't gonna miss this.

Hey, buddy. What's up, pal?

Good to see you. Yeah, man.

Hey, Kev!

Looking good, look at you!

Oh, stop it. Come on.

(ALL CHUCKLING)
(CAR HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Gentlemen.

Finch? Finch!

Oh, my God!
It great to see you, James.

Changed at all, Jim.

Good to see you, pal.

I didn't think you
were gonna make it.

Finch, how are you, man?

So, after my troubles in Beijing,
I just moved to Dubai,

and then I got all caught up in the
world of underground baccarat.

Spent the rest of '09 living
with this African tribe.

Oh, they made me
an honorary tribesman.

Oh.

Whoa, that looks like it hurt.

It looks like that
because it did hurt, Kevin.

Since then, I've just been
biking through South America.

So, basically, you are the most
interesting man in the world.

Yeah. Let me guess,

you guys are here
for the reunion, huh?

You got it. Class of '99.

Haven%I seen you before?

Yeah, I'm on TV.

No, not you. You.

'Cause, your face,
you're just so familiar.

Yeah! Yeah, this is you, right?

(ALL LAUGHING)
KEVIN: Oh! Man, Nadia!

More, more, you bad boy!

I swear I had these all taken down.
How did you...

Oh, yeah. How many times did
you pre-ejaculate again?

Oh, leave him alone.

I bet you were all desperate
virgins back then.

Selena Vega.

That's Selena Vega in front of us.
Wait, wait, wait, Selena...

Hold on, Michelle's
friend from band?

You got it.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry
I didn't recognize you.

You look

different.

Well, next round's
on me, okay, guys?

Hey, that chick was in band?

This is the first long weekend
I have had in a while

so I wanna make it count.

I want the place spotless, and
I want it filled with booze.

And I wanna make sure you're
not around on Sunday night,

'cause I plan on bringing some
ass back from the reunion,

and I wanna tap that without you there.
You got it?

You know, first of all,
Steven, it's my house.

You're lucky I'm
letting you stay here.

Look, you wanted me to
get a job, so I got one.

At least let me have the
house for the weekend.

My house, my rules.

And as for tonight, if you
don't wanna risk coming home

and seeing more of your
mother than you'd like,

I suggest you stay out late.

Gross.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That was really...

Hey, bar wench,
can I get a Budweiser?

Beer down.

What the fuck are you
fuckers doing here?

You made it! Made what?

What are you talking about?

What do you mean?
We sent you an e-mail

about getting together a couple
of days before the reunion.

You know what? I must have put
two F's in "Stifmeister."

JIM: What? KEVIN: I'm sorry.

(LAUGHS)

Two F's? You dumbass!

Kev!

Hey, Kevin, is that
a pussy on your face?

(TRILLING LIPS) Oh, come on!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! (SNIFFING)

Nice.

So, Stifler,
you're looking sharp.

What are you up to these days?

I work at JBH Global.

Wow! That's a big-time firm.

What do you do over there?

Oh, you know,

investment stuff.

People wonder why our financial
system's falling apart.

Nice scarf. I see you finally
came out of the closet.

How is your mother, Stifler?

You stay away from
my mom, shitbreak.

Okay, boys,
the past is the past.

We can bury
the hatchet here, huh?

Yeah, fuck it.

Hey, short-shorts!
A round of Jägerbombs for me and my boys!

Go fuck yourself, Stifler.

How the hell does
she know my name?

STIFLER: (CACKLING) Lard Arms?

JIM: Jesus, Stifler.

Talk about an ugly duckling
turning into a swan, right?

Let me see that.

Oh! Fingered her,
hairy nips, huge boobs.

Oh. (MOANS)

There she is!

The créme de my cock.

Blowjob Lipstein.

Her given name
was Loni, Stifler.

She used to call me Big Stiffy.

She was the mouth
that got away.

Last call!

Already? Wait here, guys.

Oh! Man, the Senior Wish List.

Wish List?
I don't remember that.

Oh, yeah, man.
It's that cheesy page in the yearbook

where we all had to write
wishes about our future.

What, did you write something cheesy?
Let's see.

"Chris Ostreicher.
Hopes to coach his son's lacrosse team."

Oh! Isn't that the
sweetest thing?

Well,

I guess I thought
I'd have a family by now.

All right, you wanna hear
what you wrote, Finch?

FINCH: I do.

"Paul Finch hopes to
find le grand amour."

Yes, true love.

Alas, I have yet to find what you
would call a real relationship.

Right, because banging
Stifler's mom didn't count.

OZ: All right, let's see
what you got, Kev.

"Kevin Myers. Hopes to
still be living it up"

"with the amazing
Vicky Lathum."

Oh, man! Vicky! What?

I am sure your wife would
be very happy to read that.

What? I was dating
Vicky at the time.

Let me see what I put.

"Jim Levenstein"

"hopes to have the
sex life of Ricky Martin."

So, I'm assuming you didn't
know he was gay back then.

Jim, it's a good thing
you found a woman

with the sex drive
of a dozen groupies. Hmm?

I mean, you're probably having
more sex than any of us.

Probably, you know.

Hope you guys are thirsty.
Stifler Claus is here.

Whoa! Stifler, that's a little
too much, don't you think?

Dude, find your balls
and return them to your sack.

I say we keep this party going.

I say we make this
weekend our bitch.

We could party together, do all the
same shit that we used to do together.

It'll be just like old times.

Hell yes! That's why I'm here.

No Bachelorette,
no Real Housewives.

Thing is, you only get one
chance at your 13th reunion.

I was kind of hoping to spend
a little time with the wife.

Fuck! Dude!

James? What? Come on!

I mean, I'm in. Of course I'm in.
Come on, what?

Yeah! Yeah.

Then, gentlemen, I hope you're
all wearing protection,

because this weekend,
we're gonna fuck shit up!

JIM: Cheers!
OZ: Yeah! All right!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(GROANS SOFTLY)

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Hey!

Hi.

What happened?

(STUTTERING)
I don't really remember.

I blame you. How much did you
let him drink last night?

SELENA: Honestly,
not that much.

Well, we gotta clean this up
before we go to the lake.

What? The lake?

Yeah, the lake, dude.
It was your idea.

We discussed
all this last night.

Oh, the lake!
Yes, of course, the...

Hey, Jim, can you hand me
those paper towels, please?

Oh, those paper towels?
The paper ones.

Uh...

The paper towels, Jim.

Jim! Yeah...

The paper towels!

(GASPS)

I'm really sorry.

Jim, you do realize that
the lid is see-through, right?

Oh, wow.

Good eye.

That's the father of my child.

(WHOOPING)

Oh, come on!

Hey, watch it! Okay, jeez.

Am I wrong, or was this place a lot
more fun when we were younger?

No, no. I think it's the same.
We're just old now.

But were we just as obnoxious
as these kids back in the day?

No.

Us, our generation,
we were more mature.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Vagina shark!

(SCREAMING)

He touched my snatch!

I take that back.

FINCH: Oh, my God.

Fellas, do you gotta stare?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, we do need to stare.

(SCOFFS) Could Jim
be any more obvious?

Oh, give him a break.

I mean, it's not every day you get to see
a model walking around off the page.

There hasn't been
a whole lot of sexy time

in the Levenstein
household lately.

Why not?

I don't know. I'm a mom now.

(SCOFFS) Oh, please!

Just because you're
a mom doesn't mean

there isn't a whole other side to you.
(LAUGHS)

Hey, remember that
one time at band camp,

when we licked whipped cream
off each other's...

Yes! Yes! I remember.

Let's keep that
in the past, though, okay?

JIM: Oh, she's...

Yeah, well, you gotta do that, or
else you're gonna get tan lines.

Sideboob. There... Sorry.
(WHISPERING) Sideboob. Ozzy, look!

Okay! Come on!

You're a lucky man, Oz.

Oh, come on, guys.
I think we're all pretty

lucky.

Wait, is that Heather?

(INDISTINCT)

Yeah, it is.

Heather.

Chris!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I guess we had
the same idea, huh?

Chris, this is Ron,
my boyfriend.

Chris Ostreicher, Ron Douglas.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

How do you do?

Ron's a cardiologist
at my hospital.

A cardiologist. Wow.

Yeah. And, hey, listen, my friends call
me Doctor Ron, D-Ron or just Dron.

So you feel free.

Okay.

Hey, fuckface!

Choir chick! Whoa!

Nice to see you, too, Stifler.

Who's this douche?

I'm her boyfriend.

So, you two are banging,

and you two used to bang.

This must be awkward
for all of you.

(LAUGHS) It is now.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

That little shit took my top!
(LAUGHS)

Give it back!

Um, that's my girlfriend.

What's this? What's this?
(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

Hey, kid!
What do you think you're doing?

Hey!
Come on, come on, let's go!

Come on, guys. Not cool!

What're you assholes gonna do about it?
(BOYS SNICKERING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, that was interesting.

Well, should we do something?

What are we gonna do? Come on.

Agreed. There's no need
to stoop to their level.

Fuck that!

I know exactly
where they're going.

Stifler?

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING)

(SIGHS)

JIM: Where the hell is he?

Guys, this is stupid.

I really can't keep Michelle waiting.
Can we just head back?

Hold on.
Let Stifler do his thing.

Yeah, that's what
I'm afraid of.

Did you guys see
the look on their faces?

Fucking awesome.

BO: He is crazy.

I think one of those guys
was Kara's babysitter.

Which one?

You know, the one that
looked like Adam Sandler.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

JIM: Stifler better not
do anything crazy.

All he's gonna do
is tell them off.

I thought he was gonna
cut their jet skis free.

What happened to pissing
in their suntan lotion?

Hold on. He told me he was
going to steal their beer.

(SIGHING) Stifler.

KEVIN: Oh, wait. There he is.

OZ: All right.

JIM: Yep, he's
taking their beer.

All right, hurry up,
Stifler. Come on.

What is he doing?

OZ: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
JIM: Wait.

Oh, God! KEVIN: Oh, my God.

Steven! No!

Oh, God.

Yo, so you really think Kara's
gonna give it up tonight?

AJ: She was waiting until she turns 18.
You do the math.

(GRUNTING)

The only math I know is you've added
your penis to her vagina zero times.

(SPLASHING)

(SIGHS)

KYLE: Jennifer's not a skank.

BO: Dude, yes, she is.

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

What're you doing?

(MOUTHING)

Hurry up. Come on!

BO: Down it, man!
Just chug it! Chug it!

Do it. Do it! Don't puss out.

Don't puss out!

Let's just go. Let's go.

Go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go.

You want another?

For sure.

Guys, I'm telling you, tonight is gonna
be the night she promised me a year ago.

What the...

Hey! Dipshit!

No!

No, no!

(LOUD CRASHING)

Stifler! Are you crazy?

Jesus, Stifler, what happened
to just stealing their beer?

I know, this is so
much better, right?

What? (LAUGHS)

JIM: You destroyed
their jet skis.

They splashed us.

So...

Come on, guys.
That was pretty funny.

Maybe in high school it was funny.
Now it's just a felony.

Only if we get caught.

Yeah, you gotta admit, it was nice
giving those kids a little payback.

Maybe it was good that they will
learn to respect their elders.

Exactly!

Hey, give me a second, I gotta
find some toilet paper.

That's gross.

VICKY: What's up,
Class of '99-ers?

Oh, my God! Vicky!

Hi!

Hey!

I can't believe you're here.

Yeah, I flew in from
New York last night.

I've been hanging
outwith my parents.

They were actually just
talking about you earlier.

Really? About what?

That time they caught us
making out at the Falls.

Oh, right.

The Falls. Wow, I haven't
been there in forever.

Michelle used to love
going to the Falls.

The place is romance incarnate.

Hell, yeah.
I got my first rim job at the Falls.

Okay.

Hey, sweetie.

Mmm, sweetie pie!

Hello.

So, the guys were all talking
about heading over to the Falls.

Well, what about
Jim and Michelle time?

I was thinking it could
be kind of romantic.

Well, I'd love to, but your
dad has been with Ev all day.

Yeah, no, you're right.

Okay. Yeah, we'll
just, we'll go home.

Oh, no, no.
You go and have fun.

Really? Yeah.

Just, when you get home,
you just better be ready.

You better be ready.

I'm ready.

Um, Stifler, do you know
where you're going?

I know this place
like the back of my cock.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(DANCE MUSIC BLARING)

It looks like
a high school party.

With high school chicks.

It's on.

Watch it, Stifler. You know these
girls are, like, half your age.

I know.

(YELPS)

(CHEERING)

Okay, is it just me, or do girls
today seem a bit sluttier?

Definitely.

Teen sex, rainbow parties,
sexting nude photos...

I saw it all on
Kathie Lee & Hoda.

Happy birthday! (WHOOPING)

Jim?

Kara. You came!

Hey!

Sorry.

(SQUEALS)

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God,
is this the babysitter?

Mmm-hmm.

You make it sound like I'm a superhero.
(CHUCKLES)

Faster than a speeding stroller,
more powerful than a mini-van.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I told you he was funny.

He's adorable.

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

Hey, Jim. Do you wanna
introduce me to your friends?

No.

Girls, this is Stifler.

So, how do you know
my best friend Jim?

Jim used to be my babysitter.

Hey, I was just
gonna do a birthday shot.

Do you guys
wanna do one with me?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. Oh, ye& yes, yes.

I shouldn't.
Yes, we should, yes, we should.

Never have I ever
had sex in public.

Really? None of you?

Oh, come on, Heather.
You haven't drank once.

You are such a prude!

Or maybe I've just
never had sex in public.

Okay, never have I
ever been in an orgy.

They were really nice guys.

Believe it or not, this is
my first high school party.

You didn't miss much.

I always preferred staying at
home, throwing on a little NPR.

You were so much
cooler than me.

I sat around writing
X-Files fan fiction.

I translated The Brothers
Karamazov into Latin for fun.

That is so sexy.

You know it is.

I've only been
working as an architect

for the last few years,
and from home.

You've been with the same
company for over ten years.

That's awesome, it sounds like
everything is working out for you.

Yeah. I mean, everything's
good, especially work-wise.

But now that we're
back here in the town,

and we see, like,
all of our old friends,

and everyone's married
and having kids,

it just makes me,
you know, think.

(COUGHS)

You okay there, Kev?

Yeah, I just don't
normally drink like this.

You're telling me you haven't
gotten a little bit tipsy

on Myers Family Wine Night?

I see somebody's been
stalking my Facebook page.

At least I don't take
pictures of my meals.

Who's stalking who now?

Okay, so I've been by your
page maybe once or twice.

You were dating someone
named Alessandro?

You know, he does know that he can take
a picture with his shirt on, right?

Alessandro is long gone.

It's over, huh?

Okay, after this drink,
I have to go home.

Jim.

There's a smoking hot 18-year-old girl
over there that you used to babysit.

And you're not going to
do anything about that?

Need I remind you that
I am married to Michelle?

Exactly.

Dude, these young chicks, they know
some crazy shit in the bedroom.

You could take what
you learn from Kara,

bring it home,
and apply it to Michelle.

You do care about your
marriage, don't you, Jim?

What are you talking
about, Stifler?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife!

I'm a father
for Christ's sakes.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Yeah, chicks love a father figure.
Keep playing that card, dude.

It's not a card,
it's the truth.

Hey. Hi.

What are you guys
talking about?

Oh, you know... Just“

Jim was just saying how much
fun he had taking care of you.

Hey, ladies, why don't we give
them some time to catch up?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, after you.

No, that's not necessary.
We should all hang out together.

Why don't we all...
Stifler, just...

Be her daddy.

Stifler? Stifler!

So, sounds like you and Mia have
quite an adventurous lifestyle.

Sometimes a little
too adventurous.

Wow. Well, Heather's a bit
more on the conservative side.

But, uh...

Hey! Hi.

But, I gotta be honest, Chris, I
could use a little adventure myself.

What are you getting at, Ron?

I'm just saying that usually
I'm not one for swapping,

but the fact that you've been with
Heather already, kind of makes it okay.

So, what do you think?

Think they'd be into it?

I'm kidding.
Come on, I'm kidding!

(LAUGHS)

Seriously,
I would never do that!

Unless you guys wanted to.

So you've really been to every
country in South America?

No, no, not all of them.

And I don't consider
French Guiana a nation.

I remember, I couldn't
wait till graduation

so I could leave this town
and reinvent myself.

You have certainly
reinvented yourself.

I don't know.

There's just a part of me
that still wishes that

I could just explore
the world, you know?

Be everything I set out to be.

You can be whoever you wanna be.
You just gotta be it.

You wanna make out? Yeah.

Are you crazy?
I love the Twilight books.

New Moon is my favorite.

Mine, too!

Oh, my God!
We have, like, so much in common!

I know! I know!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wanna hit this?

In more ways than one.

(WOMAN MOANING ON RINGTONE)

(STIFLED) I don't know who this is, but
I'm pretty fucking busy right now.

So sorry to interrupt, Stafler.

Didn't realize the Special
Olympics competed at night.

Oh, fuck.

(COUGHING)

What the hell's
going on over there?

What, are you choking
on your own dick?

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy,
nothing.

What can I do for you, sir?

Bob from Acquisitions
had a heart attack.

Some idiot told him
that he was fired.

He flipped out, I don't know.

Listen, I need someone
to finish his presentation.

I need you to go in on Sunday
and get everything ready. Yes?

Oh, wait, Sunday.

I got my high school reunion.

Oh, wow, how fun!

Yeah, no, I'll just
call the chairman,

and I'll get him to reschedule.

Seriously?
Hey, that would be awesome!

That was a fucking joke, you moron.
Jesus Christ, what am I doing?

You know what, I am gonna
handle this myself.

No. No, no, no,
listen, Mr. Duraiswamy,

I can do it, okay?
I promise, I'll get it done.

Just don't fuck up, Stafler.

It's Stifler.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Dick! Hey, ladies...

Ladies? They bailed, dude.

Aw, fuck!

Ugh! Um...

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

Hey, Kara, how are you
getting home tonight?

AJ was supposed to
drive my car back,

but he hasn't
even shown up yet.

Some lame excuse
about his jet skis.

Can you believe that jerk?

What about you?

Will you take me?

Uh... Um...

Come on! We're going
to the same place.

Besides, it wouldn't
be responsible

to let me drive
in this condition.

Right?

(POP MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

(WHOOPING)

Okay, Kara.

Hey! Whoa! Careful!
Careful. Yeah.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

It's a good one.

Isn't classic rock the best?

Classic rock?
This is classic rock now?

Hey, you know, Kara, you
should drink some more water.

Where's that bottle I gave you?

Oh, it's right here. Okay.

In the back.

(HORN HONKS) (TIRES SQUEAL)

Shit. Sorry. Sorry.
There was a... (CLEARS THROAT)

There was a little baby
squirrel in the road, so...

Whoa! Hey! Whoa!
That's not water. Okay.

It's a little too much now.

I love how, after all these years,
you're still taking care of me.

Well, you know, a
babysitter's job never ends.

(GIGGLING) You knew I always
had a crush on you, right?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(HESITANTLY) No.

I want you to be my first.

Your first?

Oh, God. Okay. Um...

Kara, listen. Um...

A person's virginity is
something sacred, you know?

You should save yourself
for someone special.

You're special.

No! Not special.

You think? I really...

What are you doing?

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on. No one
will ever find out.

I don't know. I don't think...

You don't think I'm pretty?

Huh? Oh, no! You're very pretty, Kara.
You're very, very...

Really? Yes, very pretty.

But I... Very pretty. Thanks.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit! What?

(GIGGLING)

Oh, my... Where did your...

Come on.

I can't think of
a better birthday gift.

What about the new iPhone?

Huh? Maybe a little pendant?
The new Nicki Minaj album?

No. No? Boobies.

I want you! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can't... Don't do that.

That's not good, don't...

Come on, stop (ENGINE REVVING)

Kara! Kara! Stop it.

Shit!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoa! (HORN HONKS)

Shit. Kara?

Holy Jesus! Kara?

Kara! Kara!
Please wake up, Kara!

Kara, wake up. Kara!

Are you okay?

Oh, Jesus, God!

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Hey, hi.

Jim? Hey!

What? This is crazy!

Are you all right?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm okay. I was just... Um...

I was reaching for something.

Everything's okay.
Everything's fine.

I don't know if you've heard.
Mmm?

Did you hear?

I am in charge of the reunion.

Oh! Yeah, no, that's...
Yeah, that's right.

Got a whole '90s theme planned.

Oh. That's...

I booked Chumbawamba.

Yeah. But the pricks
cancelled yesterday.

Was a setback, but you know me,

"I get knocked down but I
get up again." (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(MOANS GROGGILY)

Oh, my God!
Okay, I see what's going on.

(MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING)

Yep.

I'll see you later, buddy.

All right then, I'll see you.

Jesus, God. Kara.
Kara, wake up.

I just need a nap. What?

Kara, this isn't time
for a nap. Kara, wake up.

This isn't napping time.
(SNORING)

Kara? Shit.

Oh, God, this is bad.
This is very, very bad.

What took you guys so long?

We were looking for Kevin.
Couldn't find him.

Plus, that hot piece of ass Oz is banging
got wasted, so we had to drop her off.

You brought him?

Of course they brought me.

When you guys were busy
jacking off in high school,

I was running this
drill every weekend.

Now, let's see what
we are dealing with.

Oh!

Holy shit!

Way to go, Jim.

Shh. Okay, nothing happened, Stifler. Okay?
Nothing happened.

Stop that!

I'm sorry.

So, Jim, what do you wanna do?

I don't know.

I can't just leave her
here naked, you know?

I mean, if the cops come by
and find out I'm involved,

I'm screwed.

That leaves us
with two options.

We dump the body or
we sneak her inside.

Dump the body?
This isn't a mob hit.

Okay, wait a second.

I have been in her house
a million times to babysit.

I can totally sneak her in
through the back door.

I need you guys to
distract her parents.

Do you think you can do that?
(SCOFFS)

I'm an expert, Jim.
Trust me. I got this shit.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Good evening, sir.

My friend's car broke down,

and we were just wondering if we
could use your phone to call AAA.

You mean to tell me that none
of you have cell phones?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God, I know you.
You were on Celebrity Dance Off.

Oh, yeah!

Ostreicher.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, come on in.

That was very smooth, Stifler.

Shut up, shitbreak.

The last time I did this,
cell phones didn't exist.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(GASPING)

Shit!

Daddy.

Look, Mom, Daddy!

Shit!

(SIGHS)

Oh, fuck!

Kara?

Kara?

(KARA GIGGLES)

Kara?

KARA: Gonna have to find me.

Kara?

(RECORDED MESSAGE PLAYING)

Thank you, Sheranda.
You've been very helpful.

You get a Triple
A-plus in my book.

Oh, you take care, too.
Okay, yeah, bye-bye.

So, that was AAA on the phone and
they should be here in a jiffy.

Does this song sound familiar?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

You were such a good dancer.
I felt so bad when you got voted off.

Thank you.

But I have to say you're
much sexier in person.

Okay. Calm down there, Susan.

Dude, she wants to fuck
you big time, dude.

You got to hit that.
No fucking way.

Do it for Jim, dude,
don't be selfish.

Hey, you know what?
I think I have to go to the bathroom.

Kara, this is not funny.

Kara, come on! Kara, come out.

Boo!

Oh, my God!

Come on. Okay, good.

You never could find me.

Jim, I don't mean to alarm you
but you don't have much time.

Yes, I know.

I like your scarf. Okay.

I like your breasts Door.

Would it be okay
if I get a picture?

Sure.

I know it's in here somewhere.

(MOUTHING)

Okay, a bottle of hair spray...

You guys all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know something?

I really was admiring how clean
your toilet was in your bathroom.

Thanks.

You know what?
I have to use the restroom, too.

No, you don't.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Let's get in bed. (GIGGLING)

Come on and get in bed with me?

No, I'm not getting in bed...

Come on. Get in bed with me.

No, I'm not... Kara, please.
Oh, God. Please.

Oh, shit!

Stifler, what are
you doing here?

I just wanted another glimpse.
No.

Why'd you put her clothes
back on, dude? Boo.

You have to go.

What was that?

That sounded like
it came from outside.

No, that came from Kara's room.

Oh, Jesus.

KARA'S DAD: Kara?

Oh, my God.

Go, go, go!

What the hell's
going on in here?

Hi, Daddy.

How'd you get back in?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

What was that sound?

I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

I don't know.

You've been drinking,
haven't you?

No.

Kara, I told you these boys
try to get you drunk

so they can take
advantage of you.

I'm old enough
to know that, Dad.

Yeah, well, I don't
want to go to jail

for kicking some
horny kid's teeth in

but I will, believe me.

(cow MOOING)

What is that?

(LAUGHING) Oh, that's Mr. Moo!

Will you get him for me,
Daddy? Please.

(MOOING)

I can't be mad at my angel.

Happy birthday, princess.

Thanks, Dad.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(EXHALES)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Oh, jeez.

(WHISPERING) Stifler?

Stifler?

Up here, dude.

I told you I was an expert.

Oh, shit.

What the hell is going on now?

Hey.

Want to go to
a Justin Bieber concert?

Uh... Jim?

Stifler, come on. Come on!

Let's go.

You and you, stay here.

Don't push me.

Whoa! Oh, my God.

Ah!

AJ: Kara, where
the hell are you?

I'm on my way to
your place and...

What the...

Fuck!

(WHOOPING)

What the hell is going on?

Oh, God!

(YAWNS)

Hey, stud.

I thought you'd never...

(SNORING)

(FARTS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, shit, shit.
We were supposed to...

No, it's fine.

What? No, God, it's not fine.

Shoot! I'm so sorry, Michelle.
I really... I wanted to, I just...

I'm going to drop
Ev at my grandma's

and I'll be back
this afternoon.

No, Michelle, hold on.

Jim, I'm worried.

What are you worried about?

Just we're like so out of sync.

I just...

I don't know how much longer
we can go on like this.

I promise you I will do everything
I can to make it up to you.

Okay?

Stifler's having
a party tonight.

Okay, I know that doesn't
sound romantic or anything,

but remember our first time
was at a Stifler party.

You made me your bitch.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Tell me when, okay?

What the fuck?

(GASPS)

WOMAN: Mmm.

(MOUTHS)

So, Mia.

She's a free spirit.

She's something else.

Yeah, she is.

Wait a minute, do I sense
a little jealousy there?

No. Mmm-mmm. No?

Hey, don't forget, you were
the one who broke up with me

before you went to med school.

Hey, you were moving to LA
with no return in sight.

You can't blame me for
wanting to settle down.

No, I don't.

I just don't
want you to settle.

Look who's jealous now.

I wouldn't call being
with Ron "settling."

Oh, no, he's gorgeous on paper.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Um...

I'm sorry. You're right.

I am a bit jealous.

You know, it's funny.

In some ways, you've
completely changed,

and, in other ways,
you're exactly the same.

Heather, you can believe this,

nothing's changed.

Oh, my God.

Chris Ostreicher?

Hi, girls.

Can I get a pic?

Sure.

Dad?

Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Jim.

I'm just going to
run out for a sec.

I was just watching
your old Bar Mitzvah tape.

(LAUGHING) I got
your Jew scarf!

YOUNG JIM:
Give it back, Stifler.

(LAUGHS)

I think I'm the happiest man
in the world thanks to you.

Yeah, I miss her too, Dad.

I know.

(SIGHS) (CLEARS THROAT)

Dad, you've always been
there to give me advice.

But if there's anything
that you want to talk about,

I'm here for you.

Yeah, I don't think
there's anything

I really need
to talk about, Jim.

Do you think maybe
it's time for you to

meet someone else?

Dad, it's okay.

What you're going through
is perfectly natural.

You know, there are
services out there...

Services? Yeah.

Like what?

A happy ending? What's that?

Because I won't go there.

Oh, my God.

I don't need that...
I don't need that kind of massage, Jim.

That's not what I was...

Because, you know what,
it's dangerous.

And you can pick things up.

You don't even wanna know
what you can pick up.

Talk to your uncle Mort.
I'd rather not.

He was in the hospital
for two weeks.

That's disgusting.

I was talking about
(CLEARS THROAT)

online dating services.

(CHUCKLING)

No, Jim.

Yeah, right, at my age?
I don't think so.

I've been out of
the game for so long.

There wasn't even
a game back then.

Dad, don't worry.
I'll hook you up.

JIM: Do you have those photos?

Here you go.

Wow.

Yeah. Oh.

We might need something
a little more recent.

Do you think?

Do you have something
that's a bit sexier?

Gotcha.

Did you...

(CLEARS THROAT) Favorite music.

Um...

Herman's Hermits.

Okay.

Oh...

Girls, one at a time, please.

JIM: Interests and hobbies.

Sudoku.

We'll come back to this one.

LEVENSTEIN: Are we sure we're
not taking off too much?

These caterpillars are
kind of my trademark.

(LEVENSTEIN GRUNTS)

Okay... Perfect.

Take a look. I'm nervous.

Oh, that's fantastic!

That is a great look for me!

Huh?

Leaner lines.
I still have mobility.

Why didn't I do
this 30 years ago?

Looking good.

Why don't we test this
new look out tonight?

Oh, um...

The thing is, Stifler is
throwing a party tonight.

Oh! Well, another time.

But you could come with us.

It would be nice to
get out of the house.

I do have to warn you, though,

Stifler's parties
can get a little.

Wild.

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT)

What the fuck is this?

Who the hell changed the music?

Sorry, we thought this
was more baby-friendly.

Didn't we? Yes, we did.

Stifmeister!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(SPITS) Ch!

Bluck!

Chester!

What have you
cock-smokers been up to?

Well, we just got engaged.
Yeah.

What? That's so fucking gay.

Yeah, Stifler, we are gay.

Half the lacrosse team was gay.

You must have
known that, right?

Dude, you walked in on Doug
and Barry in the shower.

I just thought
they were wrestling.

Oh.

Are we sure this is Stifler's?

Ooh!

Hors d'oeuvres!

Why don't you give
this to our host, son?

Hmm.

Oh, my God! Look who it is.

Hey.

Sorry for interrupting
you guys last night.

Bravo, by the way.

Most wives stop doing that
after they get the ring.

What are you talking about?
Did you change your hair color?

So, is your buddy, the other
MILF guy, here tonight?

I thought you always come
to these things together.

Let's just say that friendship
is a two-way street.

Excuse me.

Mmm.

Could this party get any lamer?

It's not so bad.

You want some E?

No. Why do you have that?

No one else here
probably has any.

Are you sure you
don't want one?

Yeah.

No... Yes.

No.

Okay. Fine. More for me, then.

And there they are.

JIM: Finchy.

There you guys are. Look around.
Can you believe this shit?

Yeah, man. Nice work.

For you.

What the hell am I
supposed to do with this?

That's called wine, Stifler.

No, no, no, no,
not at my party.

I'm going to get us some shots.

Hey, Kev.

Can I talk to you
guys for a sec?

Yeah, sure. Wait here,
I'll be right back.

So, you brought the goods?

Right here.

I want to see.

What the...
Where did those fuckers go?

Hello, Steven.

Mr. Levenstein. Yes.

You made it.

It is so great to see
all you kids back in town.

Hmm.

And what a terrific soiree
you're throwing here tonight.

Just wonderful!

You know what?
I'm going to get you fucked up.

Hmm? Have a shot.

Oh! No, no, no.

I don't think so, Steven.
I'm not much of a drinker.

Drink it. Drink it!
Drink it! No, I can't.

Drink it! Drink it!

Awesome! Let's do another one.

(STRAINED) I don't think so.

Look, Kev, you don't know for
sure if anything happened.

I woke up next to her in bed,
and all our clothes were off.

I mean, whatever happened,
I feel guilty.

Kevin, in France,

it's only considered cheating if
your wife catches you in the act.

(LAUGHING)

She's here.

I gotta go.

All right, get ready.

Wait for it. Wait for it!

Wait for it!

Here she comes!

Yeah!

Fuck yeah, Mr. Levenstein!

The name is Noah, motherfucker.

(ALL CHEERING)

Mmm.

Feel the sofa.

It's so smooth.

It feels like a Smurf's ass.

Did you feel it?

Okay. Mia, can you...

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late.

Hi.

Hey, I got a treat for everybody.
I picked something up.

Celebrity Dance Off, Season Six.
My man, Chris Ostreicher.

Oh, my God.

We have to watch this.

Who wants to see my
baby shake his booty?

(ALL CLAMORING IN AGREEMENT)

I know I do.

JDate? You have
to be kidding me.

If you want quality vag, you
have to go out into the wild.

"Vag"?

What is that, a half a vagina?

You know, in my day
we called it a beaver.

And let me tell you something,
I snagged a pelt or two.

I bet you did.

Dad?

Hey, Jim, your dad is so
much cooler than you.

Stifler, please stop
getting my dad drunk.

No, he's just trying
to get me some vag.

Okay, come on.

Yeah! Hey, hey.

Let the man make
his own decisions.

Stop. Come on.

Don't listen to him.

I want you to dust off
that old dick of yours,

go out there, and get some ass.

Oh! Just go out there.

I think I Will.

Dad, stop, okay?
It's exactly what I'm gonna...

I'm sorry, but you have had a
little too much to drink tonight,

and I'm not letting you...
No, no.

No, son, I haven't...
I hardly had one drink.

And you know I love you.

I do love you, but you need to

(BURPS)

chillax.

"Chillax"?
Dad, where are you going?

Do you see him? Jim! Jim!

Let him go.
Let him have some fun.

(SIGHS)

And now we can have some fun.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Is this a washroom?

It doesn't even occur to you
that you're self-centered

because you are so
self-centered and...

You know what?
Hold on a second.

Can I help you?

Who might you be?

I'm Stifler's mom.

Oh.

I'm Jim's dad.

Later, fucker.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God, this is the most
ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

(SHOUTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Dude, you have an amazing body!

Everybody, raise the roof
for Chris Ostreicher!

You have really been
bringing it all season long.

But now it's time, Chris, to see if
America thinks you done brought it.

You ready? Let's do it.

Let's see the results.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

What?
Gilbert Gottfried and not you?

Fucking bullshit!

Chris, I'm so sorry, man.

Well, we saw you jam.
Now, it's time to scram.

Do you have any last
thoughts for the audience?

Okay, guys, we can
probably end it there.

What? No, are you kidding?
I haven't seen this.

I think what I've
learned is to be true

to myself,

because that's what
dancing is, it's truth.

And maybe,

if we just danced
a little bit more,

there would be no more wars.

(SNICKERING)

No more war!

Well, that is a thoughtful
take on foreign policy.

HOST: Stick around. Hulk Hogan gets
jiggy-friggy, right after this.

You don't want to miss this.
Stick around.

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

Hey.

If you want my opinion,
I think you got cheated.

Are you okay?

You know,

when you lose something that's important
to you, it doesn't feel very good.

Oz, it's just a show.

I'm not talking about the show.

RON: Hey, Heather,
you down there?

Um, coming!

Oh, my God.

Wait here, I'll be right back.

I can't tell you how many times
I walked into Steven's room

and I caught him in the
middle of sex with some girl.

At least he was with
a real, live human girl.

What are you talking about?

I walked into the kitchen once,
and I saw Jim humping a pie.

He turned the damn thing into a
crumble in about two seconds.

I can top that.

I once walked into my bedroom

and I caught Steven sticking
my hairbrush up his ass.

No, and it wasn't
the handle side, either.

Oh!

No, no, no.

A pretty lady like you shouldn't
be drinking quite so much.

And neither should I.

How about a joint, then?

We don't have to wait 13 years
to see each other again.

Yeah, true.

And I guess I could come along
on one of your adventures.

Am I good sidekick material?

Sidekick?

I think you are a lot more
than sidekick material.

Is everything okay?

It's better than ever.

Mmm. Mmm.

Okay, wait, wait.

I don't think we're dressed
appropriately for the occasion.

Put that on.

Wait, where are you going?

To change. Be back soon.

Dudes!

BOTH: What's up, bro?

WOMAN: Big Stiffy?

Blowjob Lipstein.

Oh, you have to be
fucking kidding me!

Excuse me?

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?
You just expect me to blow you?

Yeah!

I'm out of here.

Wait. Wait, Wait!

Look, I get it.

You're self-conscious
about your body.

Don't worry. I was going to
shut the lights off anyway.

You are the same douchebag
that you were in high school.

You just expect me to do
everything while I get nothing?

Later.

No, no!

(SIGHS)

Let's make a deal.

I'll get you off,
you get me off.

What do you say?

Fine.

But I am putting you to work.

Holy shit.

Chow time!

(GROANS)

(SIGHS) There you are!

I've been looking
all over for you.

Listen, we really need to...

What are you doing?

Taking what's mine.

(GROANING)

No, I just wanted to hear
the sound of your voice.

Aw, is everything okay?
You seem stressed.

Stressed?

There you are!

No, no, no.

I have to go right now, but I'll
call you back in a little bit.

Okay. And don't worry, I won't
watch Gossip Girl without you.

I miss you, babe.

I miss you, too.

Listen, Vicky,
about last night,

that wasn't me.

With what happened...

I don't know.
It might be normal in your world.

What do you think happened?

Well, all our clothes
were on the floor.

Yeah, because
they were soaking wet

from when you got drunk
and fell in the lake.

I took care of you.

So, we didn't have sex?

Of course not.

Oh, thank God!

I'm glad you think
so highly of me.

No.

Vicky, wait.

MIA: Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God! (MOANING)

Mia, stop.

9l", my God, yeah!

Mia, get off!

I'm about to! I'm about to!

(SCREAMING)

Heather.

What the hell?

You have something going on
with this skank?

Who are you calling a
skank, you fucking bitch?

Whoa! Whoa! (MIA SCREAMING)

Stop it! Stop!

Stop it!

OW! What the fuck?

That's my extension, you bitch!

You motherfucker!

No, Mia! Wait a minute!

By the way,
I fucked Mario Lopez!

(BONES CRACKING) (GROANING)

Ooh...

Okay, it's my turn now.

Uh-uh. Not this time.

Wait, what about our deal?

Now you know how it
feels, Big Stiffy.

Gross!

(SNORING)

You didn't actually think I'd
fall asleep again, did you?

As long as you're mine,
I'm happy.

Jesus, Kara.
What are you doing here?

Your creepy friend invited
me and all my girlfriends.

Nice outfit, by the way.
Very kinky.

(POUNDING ON DOOR) Oh, shit.

Don't worry. I locked it.

Oh, Jesus.

What the hell kind of freaky
shit is going on in here?

AJ, what are you doing here?

I followed you.
I had to see it with my own eyes.

First you fuck with my jet ski,
then you fuck my girlfriend?

No! God, no! Nothing happened.

You're going down, Sandler.

Sandler? What the...

Jesus Christ!

(SPITS)

AJ: I'm going to kill you!

Jim, what the fuck
are you wearing?

Hey, I can explain
everything! Jesus!

Come on! Shit!

Get up, gimp!

Come on, I'm not
fighting you, okay?

This is silly. I'm an adult.

Oh, really?

Because to me you look
like a little bitch pussy.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Don't be a pussy, Jim.

Look, AJ, just calm down, okay?

What makes you little fuckers think you can
crash one of the Stifmeister's parties?

Did you just refer to yourself
as "the Stifmeister"?

Because that's the
lamest name ever!

(PEOPLE JEERING)

I'm going to fucking kill you.

Bring it on.

Hey, Steve, come on, this is...

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Where do you think
you're going?

Don't mess with
the Class of '99, bitch!

(GROANS)

Finch!

Don't hurt my friend!

(GROANING)

Hey!

Get off my husband,
you little piece of shit!

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER
ON POLICE RADIO)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, crap! It's the fuzz!

We have to get out.
How do you get out?

I need an escape route!

Oh, shit!

You want to be with him?

Fine! He's all yours.

Come on, man!

Jim, what's going on?

I am so sorry for all
of this. I can explain.

Last night I ran into
Kara, our neighbor.

She was too drunk to drive,
so I drove her home.

And she started taking off her
clothes, and touching my...

Okay, I know it doesn't sound
good, but nothing happened, okay?

I don't care about her at all!

Thanks a lot.

No, no, Kara, wait.
I didn't mean...

Wait, Michelle.
Hold on, hold on.

It's not what you think, okay?

I swear, I was just trying to
do the right thing, and I...

(SIGHS) You have to believe
me, Michelle, please.

Whether I believe you or not,

I'm disappointed.

I'm going to stay
with my grandmother.

Hold it, Michelle.

No, Jim.

Hey, the fight's over, guys.

We're not here to stop a fight.

We're here about
that stolen motorcycle.

Looks like the VIN
numbers match up.

Paul Finch.

You're under arrest.

Awesome!

KEVIN: Excuse me, officer.

He won that bike betting on
the World Cup in Argentina.

You made some sort of mistake.

Paul, what's going on?
What is this about?

Paul.

Finch, just tell them.

Paul!

STIFLER: Hey, shitbreak, when you're
getting rammed by your cellmate tonight,

think of Kevin.

Michelle, can I just... Please!

Oh!

Ah!

Dad? Ah!

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Dad?

Dad, what are you doing?

You didn't see me!
I'm not here!

I'm not here!

Is he all right?

I don't know.

What are we going
to do about Finch?

Fuck Finch. Let him
spend the night in jail.

Come on, Stifler!

Some friend you are.

What about you guys?

You don't call me,
you don't e-mail,

you don't comment
on my Facebook page.

You guys didn't even let me know you
were coming back for the reunion.

Because we knew, somehow, you would
find a way to screw things up.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim.

I wanted us to have
a fucking fun time

this weekend,
like we did in high school.

But we're not in
high school any more.

You are so trapped
in the past, Stifler.

When are you going to realize that things
will never be the way they used to be?

(SCOFFS)

Fine.

Guess the party's over.

Dicks.

(SIGHS)

Well, that was a great party.

I honestly think I had fun.

Well, that makes one of us.

Have you heard from Michelle?

No. She doesn't
want to talk to me.

What about the reunion tonight?

She said she may
or may not come.

What's going on with you two?

Jim, is there anything
you want to talk about?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay.

Um...

How often

did you and Mom...

You know?

Is that what this is about?

You and Michelle
haven't been...

Not lately, no.

Oh...

Is it

an erectile problem?

Because sometimes you
can buy a little time

with a well-placed thumb.

Oh, God. I'm just saying.

I don't think that's it.
That's not it?

Oh! That's something to keep in your
back pocket, because that's a no-fail.

Okay, let's be done with that.

No, things in that
department were fine.

And then Evan was born

and we kind of stopped.

And they haven't really
picked up since, you know?

This is not a problem,
so do not worry.

You understand?
Yeah, listen, Jim.

Before you were born,

your mother and I,
we would do it every day.

I don't need this.

Sometimes two or
three times a day.

This is back in the '70s.
A lot of experimentation was going on.

Your mother favored something she
called, "diving for dollars."

Holy shit. I'm sorry,
I don't need...

(CLEARS THROAT)
That's fine, we can...

I don't have to
go on with that.

But my point is, when you have a
kid, you become a dad and a mom.

But it's very important not to
stop being a husband and a wife.

And if you do that,
the sex will come.

That actually
makes a lot of sense.

But you can't just wait for
the two of you to be alone.

You have to make
your own alone time.

Why do you think you went to
Hebrew school three times a week?

Sundays, noon to three?
Tuesdays, four to seven?

Okay, I get it, Dad.

If you get it,
then why the questions?

I'm sorry.

You're going through this, I am sorry.
I should be listening.

No, I'm overreacting.
I'm sorry.

(SIGHS) Thank you.

Again. Really.

Anytime.

Welcome, you guys.

Listen, find your nametag, find
out what table you're sitting at.

Ashley, so good to see you!
Oh, my God.

Billy! Oh, my God,
you're looking so svelte.

You used to be morbidly obese.
I was concerned.

KEVIN: Hey.

He)', guys.

Hey, Jim. Oz.

Where is Mia?

She flew out this morning.

Oh. I'm sorry, man.

What about Michelle?

I am not sure yet.

ALL; Finch!

What happened? I called the police
department a thousand times.

I appreciate that, Kevin.
But my mom, actually, bailed me out.

Guys, I screwed up.

That bike belongs to my boss.

And I was promised a raise,
and I didn't get it, so I

simply borrowed it.

The truth is that my life
isn't interesting at all.

I am an assistant manager at a
Staples in Bayonne, New Jersey.

I lied to my best friends,
and I'm sorry.

You know, Finch,
just because you sold out

and got a boring job
like most of us,

that doesn't mean you
should be embarrassed.

Yeah, come on, man.
None of that shit matters.

That means a lot, gentlemen.

What about your arm?

Oh.

I spilled coffee on myself
while I was driving.

No. (CHUCKLES)

It hurt like a bitch, though.

I'll bet. Jesus, Finch.

Oh, hey, check this
out, you guys.

Crazy, huh? Look at us.

OZ: A lot of memories.

"Steve Stifler."

"Hopes to keep the party
going with his boys."

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Any sign of him yet?

I don't think
he's going to show.

(SIGHS)

Stifler?

How'd you find me?

We asked your mom.

Oh, no. I didn't do anything.

We wanted to apologize
for what we said last night.

We didn't mean it.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, you did.
I get it, you guys think I'm a dick.

Okay. Well,

maybe you are kind of a dick.

But,

you're a fun dick.

And you're our dick.

Yeah, man. You were one of the biggest
reasons that high school was awesome.

Yeah, high school was awesome.

Then we graduated and everybody
started getting jobs

and getting married
and having kids

and all that other stupid shit.

Now, look at me.
I'm the bitch of this place.

Look, Stifler, none of
our lives are perfect.

Especially mine.

But what do you say we keep this party
going, and hit up this reunion together?

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, my God.
This is the jackass.

You're not even close to being
finished and you're up here

"chilling with your posse"?

Sorry, we can explain.

No, Kevin.

Allow me.

Yeah, Kevin, allow him.

This better be good, Stafler.

It's Stifler, fucker.

(SCOFFS) Oh, wow.
Who the hell do you think you are?

Are you acting tough in front
of your girlfriend? Huh?

Because we both know she's
only with you for your money.

Definitely not for your dick.

Because anybody that's
peed next to you

knows it's the size of
a leprechaun's pinkie.

(SNICKERS)

That's not true.

(MOCKINGLY) "That's not
true." Oh, yeah, it is.

Look, just because you got a fancy
office and I don't even have a desk

doesn't change
who we really are.

The truth is,
you're still a dork,

and I can still kick your ass.

But I'm not going to.

You know why?

Because I'm the
fucking Stifmeister.

And you can take this job and
shove it up your dickhole

because I have
a reunion to attend.

Dudes?

By the way, I had no clue what I
was doing with any of this shit,

so you got a lot of work to do.

(PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Surprise! Hey! You made it.

Of course.

What do you think about
the Lions this year?

They got a shot?

We'll see if their
offensive line can hold.

Are you planning on being on
Celebrity Dance Off: All Stars?

I actually haven't
thought much about that.

You should think about it.

I'm sorry, guys,
you'll have to excuse me.

Can I cut in?

I don't know.
Can you promise to keep your shirt on?

Come on, buddy, I'm busting balls.
Huh?

Yeah, of course.

I'll get us some drinks.

Okay.

Hey.

Shouldn't you be dancing
with your girlfriend?

Uh...

Mia and I are over.

She wanted me
to be someone else.

Something that I
don't want to be.

What do you want, Chris?

Heather, I want this.

I want us.

What about your career? LA?

Look, I know that it's crazy.

And I don't have all the answers
right now, but I see you,

and I just know

I want you.

I love you.

I love you.

So, I'm skiing down a mountain.

Guy has a heart
attack right there.

Saved his life.
It was a big story, you can Google it.

Yeah, it was.

I bet.

Holy shit! Excuse me.

Hey, excuse me.
What the hell is going on?

Ron, I can explain.

Seriously, this guy?

I'm a fucking heart surgeon,
this guy's not even on ESPN.

Hey, take it easy, Ron.

What are you going to do?
Hit me, Oz? Huh?

Oh, I got an idea.
What about a dance-off? Huh?

This isn't a reality show, okay?
This is the real world.

You take one swing at me, I will
sue you for all you're worth.

(GASPS)

I'm not worth jack shit, Dron.

I'm your dick.

Dropped him!

That was awesome!

Listen, we had a blast
the other night.

Have you ever thought about
being a party planner?

Because we want you
to plan our wedding.

Say yes.

Yeah, yeah! I'd love to.

Nice! Oh, my God.

Thanks! This is great, man.

Thank you so much.
Thank you, bro.

You're welcome. Thank you.

I have to tell you something.

You don't have to explain.

Look, Paul, I didn't like you
because you climbed the Alps,

or killed a camel
with your bare hands.

I liked you because you were
still the same good guy

that was actually nice
to me in high school.

I'm still that guy.

I really am.

You know, the last time I
was here was for prom.

I didn't have a date.

Neither did I.

I have to get a drink.

What?

Was my dancing that bad?

Yeah.

Kev! Hey!

Hey, Jess!

Wow. Look, you have a beard!
It looks great.

Thanks. I'm kidding.

Let's just get this out of the way.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm a lesbian now, and
this is my girlfriend.

This is Ingrid.

Good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.

Lesbians? (LAUGHING) I knew it!

Why don't you guys
make out and prove it.

You must be Stifler.
I've heard a lot about you. Ow!

Mostly negative.

Cool, dude. What the fuck?

Jessica, it's good to see you.

No, it wasn't.

What the...

Look, Kev, I think you
should go talk to Vicky.

She's really upset over there.

Yeah, thanks.

Nice to meet you.

Be a real man,
you have a beard now.

Kevin, don't. I'm fine.

Come on.
I was a complete jerk last night.

I was just upset that you would
think that I would do that

knowing that you're married.

I know you wouldn't.

Honestly, that was more
about me being nervous.

Seeing you again, all these
old feelings came up, and...

I don't know, I guess
I just felt guilty.

But the fact that I still
have feelings for you

just means that what
we had was special.

Don't get me wrong, all right.

I love Ellie
more than anything.

But no matter
how much time passes

you'll always be my first love.

And you'll always be mine.

Kev. Hey.

You have to try these
cupcakes, they're awesome.

Ellie, this is Vicky.

Oh, my God! The Vicky?
Kevin has told me so much about you.

You're a really lucky girl.
He's a great guy.

Come dance with us.
No, it's okay.

Yes, come on, this is
happening. Come on.

(SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Hey.

My name's Jim.

We were in Mr. Lee's
English class together.

Really?

Yeah, I...
Sorry, I don't remember you.

Okay.

I was the kid who everyone
saw on the Internet.

Mmm.

Sorry, you're going to
have to be more specific.

I pre-ejaculated twice.

Oh, Jim Levenstein! Right!

Levenstein.
Yeah, Jim Levenstein.

Now I remember. Yeah.

So, how have you been
since high school?

Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good.
Let's see.

Um...

Oh!

I married the most wonderful
woman in the world.

And we have
the cutest kid ever.

It sounds like
things are perfect.

I'm willing to do whatever
it takes to make it perfect.

And that means being the
sexiest husband possible.

Really?

Michelle, you look beautiful.

Oh, thanks.

Would you like to dance?

I'd love to.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

Stifler.

Sherman? The Sherminator?

What the fuck
have you been up to?

Married. Had a kid.

And divorced.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

But, you know what, at least I
got to keep little Furlong.

You named your kid
after Eddie Furlong?

Yes, I did. You know why?

Because Terminator 2 is still
the greatest film ever made.

Dude, you need
to get banged bad.

Okay, we have
to get out of here.

It's about time. Yeah.

It's a lost cause.

All these women are either
married or came with dates.

WOMAN: Hey, Loni.

Dude, how would you like
to have your world blown?

(BEEPING)

Hasta la vista, Stifler.

(SIGHS)

Great, everybody's
getting laid but me.

This sucks.

Excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

I'm looking for Paul Finch.
Have you seen him anywhere?

What do you want with Finch?

I'm here to pick him up.
I'm his mom.

Finch has a mom?

I mean, you're Finch's mom?

Yeah. Are you a friend of his?

Oh, yeah.

Paul is like my best friend.

I love him so much.
More now than ever before.

In fact, I can't believe we haven't met.
I'm Steven Stifler.

I'm Rachel.

What? What is it?

I just got this feeling like something
really bad is about to happen.

Don't worry.
I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Oh, Jim!

(CHIMING)

JIM: Oh!

(BOTH MOANING)

I want you so bad.

(IN HUSKY VOICE)
Oh, you have no idea!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God, there it is.
I don't think I can hold it any more.

Hold it in!

I'm sorry, I will.

I just forgot
how awesome this is.

Oh, yeah, I need this.

Oh, God, Michelle!
Fuck, I love you!

Jim?

(BOTH PANTING)

Nadia?

BOTH: (HESITANTLY) Hey.

I'm sorry. You are busy, yes?

No. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nadia, it's so nice to see you.

But do you think you
could give us a minute?

BOTH: Three.

Three minutes.

Okay! So nice you
are still together.

BOTH: Aw!

And I see you've gotten
much better at this.

Well, thanks.

That's Jim?
He looks nothing like me.

(BOTH MOANING)

You know, when I was in high
school, I dated a lacrosse player.

In fact, I dated a few of them.

You don't say.

I always wanted Paul
to be more into sports.

But he was never
that interested.

You don't have to sugarcoat it.

Finch was a klutz.

Yeah, I guess he was, but he
did not get that from me.

I was head cheerleader.

And if there's anything I
learned from lacrosse players,

it's that I like
to handle a stick

and cradle those balls.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I love you.

Are you ready for me, Stifler?

Oh, yeah!

Let's go.

(MOANS) Oh, Michelle.

Oh, God, Michelle.

You are amazing!

Better than the bathtub?

Much.

Better than this?

Ooh!

Of course.

STIFLER: Oh, take those off!

RACHEL: We shouldn't
be doing this.

Yes, we should. (UNZIPPING)

Oh, Stifler.

Oh, Finch's mom!

Call me the Stifmeister!

Yeah, you are the Stifmeister.

(BOTH MOANING)

MAN: MILF?

Oh, Finch's mom!

(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) MILF.

MILF.

STIFLER: Tell me I'm the best.

RACHEL: You are the best!

MILF.

MILF. MILF.

STIFLER: Oh, Finch's mom!

BOTH: MILF! MILF! MILF!

(CHEERING)

RACHEL: Yes! Yes!

STIFLER: Oh, your
son's such a dork!

Stop talking about him!

(RACHEL SCREAMING)

Well, our first reunion
is officially in the books.

I don't know about you guys, but
my night ended pretty well.

It was great.

I had a blast.
It was unforgettable.

Fuck yeah!
I jizzed like a racehorse.

What happened to you at the
end of the night, Stifler?

Who did you end up with?

A gentleman never
kisses and tells, Jim.

JIM: Guys?

I'll be right back, okay?

Kara!

HEY-HEY...

Look, I'm sorry about
what I said the other night.

No, I'm the one who
should be apologizing.

I can't believe the way I acted.
I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

When I was your age I was
pretty obsessed with sex, too.

I know.

I've seen the YouTube clip.

Oh, of course you did.

But, thanks for understanding.

I was thinking about it,
and you're right.

I should really wait
for someone special.

Just, it's going to be tough
to find a guy as good as you.

I'm sure you will.

I feel like a whole new
man after this weekend.

Kind of sucks
we have to leave, though.

Not me. I'm going to take
some time off my job

and stick around here
with Heather for a while.

Nice!

What about you, Finch?

Selena and I, we're planning
a little jaunt to Europe.

Just make sure you call your mom.
She misses you.

How would you know?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh...

I guess this is it, huh?
Back to reality?

We shouldn't wait
until the next reunion.

We should try to get
together every year.

What do you say,
until next time?

Until next time.
Until next time!

(MIMICKING COUGH)
I fucked Finch's mom.

What?

What was that?

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

Hmm?

What's this?

Oh, no, dean No, no, no.

No, dear. No! (UNZIPPING)

Oh!

Oh...

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ah. Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Ah! (LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Great movie.

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