All language subtitles for American Pie 3 The Wedding 2003

[Light Rock]

This bed is on fire
with passionate love

The neighbors complain
about the noises above

But she only comes
when she's on top

Well, Michelle, we did it.
Happy graduation.

You know,
living at my parents' house,

th-that's, um...
that's a temporary thing.

Uh, we've been going out
for, what, three years.

You're not, like, getting bored
with things, are you?

Michelle, I... I'm gonna
ask you something that
I've never asked you before.

Is it kinky?
I don't think so. No.

You don't have to be embarrassed
if you want to add more
spiciness to our relationship.

Actually, um,

maybe you could just, uh,
you know,

use your napkin.

My napkin?
[Man]
Mr. Levenstein.

Yes.
You have a phone call.

Excuse me.
Thank you.

- Hello.
- Jim, it's Dad.
Uh, you left the ring at home.

The box is empty.
But-But I'm on my way,

and I've got the...

I've got the ring,
so don't panic, son. Okay?

[Jim's Dad]
Bye-bye.
[Phone Beeps Off]

Who was that?

Uh, that was my dad.

That was, uh, my dad.
That was, uh...
He couldn't get through on...

I didn't answer my cell.
So he was, uh,

getting all, uh...
was getting all worried.

You know how he is.
But everything is, uh...
everything is okay now.

Everything is, uh...
Everything is perfectly fine.

I think I know
what you're gonna ask me.

And it's okay.
I... I don't have to use my napkin.

- Wha...
- I've got my own techniques.

Michelle, where...
where are you going?

Michelle? Hey. Hey.
[Chuckles Nervously]

Okay.
[Groans]

Okay, Michelle. Michelle.

Okay. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Michelle.

Psst!

Michelle, I think you need to stop.
Okay, keep going.

[Shudders]

Oh, my God.
Michelle. Michelle.

Michelle. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Well, I made it.
Where's Michelle?
The washroom?

You know, I was so nervous
she was gonna spot me.
Here's the ring, son.

Ohh.
Let me tell you something.

This is some ring.
Look at the rock
on this baby.

Mr. Big Spender.
Hope you didn't
blow your wad on this, son.

Not yet.
Your mother and I...

could not be more
thrilled for you, Jim.

I mean, we're so happy.
And I know you're excited.
I can see it in your face.

- I mean, you look like
you're ready to burst.
- Uh-huh.

I mean, your cheeks, they're flush.
I wish your mother could be here.

Not me.
That's what I wish.
You know, this is...

this is one of
those moments, Jim,

that you're gonna remember
for the rest of your life.

- Yes, it is.
- You bet it is.

You bet it is.

I cannot believe my son
is gonna pop the question.

- [Thud]
- What was that?

Th-That?

That? Knockin' on wood.

And what is this, uh, popping...
popping what? What question?

You are...
Oh, you're a wreck. What...

You need some air.
You need some air.

- Walk me to my car.
- No, I'm not walking you...

- Listen to me.
This is for your own good.
- [Gasping]

Oh!

Your penis!

- [Both Yelling]
- [Gasping Continues]

[Laughing]

Watch your penis.
I got it.

Your pants.
I got the pants!

I got the pants!
Please!

Everybody, please.
Everybody just calm down here.

Everybody, just quiet!
Lower your voice.

[Crowd Hushes, Murmurs]

It's disgusting!

Now,

I came here to do something...

[Sighs]
And, damn it, I'm...
I'm gonna do it.

Michelle.

[Crowd Gasping]

Hello, dear.

Michelle Anabeth Flaherty,

I love you...

more than I could...

ever explain
at this particular moment.

Dad. The ring.

Oh.

Will you marry me?
Yes.

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My son.

I'm the happiest man
in the world.

[Crowd Gasping]

We should all be so happy.

[Rock]

I

I'm a one-way motorway

I'm a road that drives away

Follows you back home

I

I'm a streetlight shining

I'm a white light
blindin'bright

Burnin'off and on

Cheers, gentlemen,
sweetheart.

I'm impressed.

Marriage is a binding,

unifying, eternal,

never-ending, permanent...

chaining together
of two people.

Jim, have you
thought this through?

Yes. Yes, Finch.
Thank you.

I had actually been
trying to figure it out for a while.

You know,
when is the right time?
Is there a right time?

And finally I realized,
duh, you love the girl, marry her.

Aw.
[Pop On Jukebox]

Oh! Let's dance.
Dance?

No.
No, you have to learn
sometime.

Come on!
You cannot run
You cannot hide it

Everything they tell you
is messing up your mind
Don't laugh at me.

They don't give up
and I don't give in
Okay, okay.

I'm just glad that's not me.

Finch, you don't think there's
one girl you're destined to
spend your entire life with?

They're all for me, Kevin.

Not, uh...
Not so bad, huh?
All right.

Do this.
[Groans]

I'm sorry.

Well, the wedding should be
rather entertaining.

[Chattering]

Bro, that's it?

There's no keg anywhere.

Jim.
Hey, John.

The food and the drink
are really bad.

"F" for presentation.

The good news for you...
What's that?

We're gonna be
ushers at the wedding.

[Sighs]
This is amazing.

I don't recognize
half the people in this place.
[Doorbell Rings]

At least they all brought gifts.

Hello.
Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.

Oh, hello.
Harold Flaherty.

Please, please come in.
Lovely to meet you.

We've been expecting you.
How was your trip?

- Delightful.
- Who's excited
about the wedding?

Anxious might be
more accurate.

Oh, w-w-we've never met
your son.

You'll get to meet him.

Rudy and Sam
would like to meet him too.
Oh, yes.

Better bring them in
from the car.
They've been cooped up.

Oh, for heaven sakes.
You brought your sons?

Our dogs.
We never travel
without them.

Oh, my goodness.
Well, honey,

why don't you go get those critters
out of the car and we'll start
on some cocktails?

Ah, thank you.
Right. I'll, uh,
get the dogs.

There's one thing that'll
make this wedding perfect.

No Stifler.

Well, that's one dick
we are not inviting.

- Motion seconded.
- Motion carried.

So, Finch, what are you
gonna do with that
fancy NYU diploma?

I'll frame it.
Then I'll write my memoirs.

Well, you should come to law school, man.
You know I could use the company.

Kids, Michelle's parents are here.
Come on. We're waiting.

Oh, crumbs on the shirt.
That's bad.
Okay. That's fine.

[Skipped item nr. 165]

I'll change. I'll change.

Fuckers.

Well, polish my nuts
and serve me a milk shake.

What's up?

That's right.

Oh, cake, huh?
Hope it's good.

Oh, gee. Thanks for inviting me
to the graduation party, fucker.

[Scoffs]

Oh. Fuckin' right, doggy!
That's good cake!

Holy shit!

Hi. How are you?
Congratulations.

Hey.

[Giggles]

Congratulation, jism.
[Laughs]

Excuse me. Stifler.

Hey, Jim.
Stifler.

- What are you doing here?
- Happy fuck day, ass mouth.

Put the cake down.
Check it out.
I made it myself.

- That's very cute.
- What happened to my invite?
Got lost in the mail, fuckface?

I don't want to
discuss this. Quiet!
Oh, quiet yourself.

I think I can spell...
Seriously, man.
Seriously...

Jesus! Damn it, Stifler.

Jim, look what you did.
Look what I did?

Look at this shit.
What am I supposed to do now?

Are you happy now, man?
Why are you here?

My dick looks like a corn dog.
I got cake all over my balls.

[Jim's Mom]
Jim, honey.
Shit.

The Flahertys are waiting.
You think he's
upstairs, honey?

Oh, you're fucked now, Jim.
[Cackles]

[Growling, Barks]

[Groans]

[Thuds]
Stifler, get up.

This dog's great!
Is it weird that it feels good?

[Laughs]

All right.
[Dog Growling]

What about the dining room?
I know you'll just love him.

- Jesus, Stifler.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- [Jim]
Stop enjoying it so much.
- Lick it off!

Whoo-hoo-hoo. !

Son of a...
You little shit.

- You gotta
take your pants off, man.
- [Gasping]

[Gasping, Screaming]

- Jim.
- No, it's not what it looks like.

- What are you doing, son? Jim.
- My dogs!

- Don't go in there. Lord knows
what they'll do to you.
- I love this dog!

- I-I-I was just trying to
get him off, Dad.
- That is your son?

Back away from the animal.

Hey, great party.
Uh, Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty,
I presume.

[Stifler]
Hey, where are you going?

Well, uh, lunch is, uh, served.

I-I really hope that, uh...
that-that we can just...

that we can all just
forget about this and-and-and
move on...

and start again...
start again fresh.

Jim, if you hope to be
the provider and protector
for our firstborn daughter,

you have a long way to go.

Thank you, sir.

They think you're an angel...

and-and I'm...
I'm just some ungrateful
dog-rapist.

They just think they raised
a proper, little band girl.

And-And besides,
sometimes it's... it's nice
to be a little more traditional.

How so? How-How do you mean
traditional?
I'm thinking about the wedding.

Well, it's just this one day.

One day where-where everyone's
eyes are on me for a change.

I've just never
walked into a room and...

and had everyone go,
"Ooh," and, "Ahh,"

and, "Isn't she elegant?"

That is exactly how
our wedding is going to be.

I promise.

Shit, I've got
a frosted ass crack.
Hey, Finch,

you want this for here
or to go?

"A witty saying proves nothing."
Voltaire.

"Suck my dick."
Ron Jeremy.

[Skipped item nr. 238]

Oh, boys.
Anybody seen the bride's parents?

No? Hmm.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.
Come on, Stifler.

This isn't
a graduation party.
Time to go.

Wait. Hold on.
Jim's getting married, isn't he?

Holy fuckin' shit!
This is major!

Do you have the slightest
idea of how important this is?
We get to have a bachelor party.

Yes! We celebrate
the death ofJim
with a party in his honor.

Chicks and boobs.
Tits and ass.

Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas
all up in our friggin' faces!

Buck up, fellas.
Show some enthusiasm.

It's gonna be fuckin' great.
Oh, my God!

[Door Closes]
Finch, he-he does make
a good point.

Yeah, he does.

You never heard me say that.

I do not deserve
a girl this cool.

Michelle said the wedding
was doable, right?

A wedding.
A wedding, yeah.

You know, I promised her
her wedding... you know,
the wedding of her dreams.

Okay. What's the problem?

Dancing. Uh, she wants...
she's gonna want to dance.

You know, there's
that whole tradition:
the first dance at the reception.

She's gonna wanna dance
Fred Astaire kind of shit.

I can't do that.
I can't... She learned
all that from band camp.

Okay, so you take lessons,
you know, right away.

Lessons. Okay.
I have to convince her parents
that I'm not a shithead.

Challenging.
Indeed, challenging.

But doable. What else?

What else?
I don't know what else.

That's the thing.
She cares too much to tell me.

She doesn't want me to worry
that she might be worried.

So I'm worried.

Recon.

You mean,
like-like spying on, uh...
like spying on Michelle?

Spying is deceitful.

Extra attention
means you're concerned.

This is... This is true.
This is good.
Guys, here's to the next step.

Would you please shut up
with that stepping?
Put your glass down.

[Light Rock]

And you

Were right to bide your time

And not buy into my misery

Well, the good things
are never free

Do the colors of the rainbow

Look the same to everyone

We'll find a wonderful
place somewhere. I promise.
We'll keep looking.

Is everything okay in here?
The study can get a little chilly.

Do you have enough blankets?
We're fine.
Thank you.

I-I was kind of hoping that, uh...

that someday soon
we could have a little talk.

I'd really like to tell you
why I think I'll make
a good husband.

Whenever you get a chance.

- Oh, why is that?
Come on.
- [Dog Grunts]

See, I was saying that soon...
we could talk.

This... This right now is-is sort of
the preliminary talk...

before the future... longer talk,

which would be like a...
a quiet, uh, private dinner talk.

[Yipping]
Let him finish.

[Dog Panting]

[Yipping]
I'm talking to you.

- [Mrs. Flaherty]
Shh.
- Okay.

Good talking to you.

No. No, these aren't
gonna work.

Wow.

You guys in
a sporting goods store.
Very good.

Hey, Finch,
I think they got your size.

Aw, beautiful.

Jim needs to learn
to dance for his wedding.

You know, I think he's screwed.

Of course he's screwed.
He's getting married.

I can't wait to see this disaster.

What makes you think
you're invited?

[Slurping]

I already called upJim's mom,
got the info.

I'm preparing
for the festivities.

It's time for me to
boom-boom with the bridesmaids,
Finch-fucker.

'Cause I'm gonna hang out
with my wang out.

And I'm gonna rock out
with my cock out!

Ooh, yep, that's
what I'm talking about.
[Laughs]

[Jim]
All right, Stifler. Um,

this-this is a little, uh,
difficult to explain.

Look, you're... you're okay.

You're okay.
I-I-I mean, uh...
I mean, I like you.

Yeah, great.
You can blow me after practice.

I'm working, dude.
Well, dude...

- [Yelling]
- Come on. Work it! Hustle!

See, my mom didn't know that
there was a misunderstanding.
Push it! Move it!

- You're not invited!
- Hold!

Dude, how the hell
do you even think
you're getting married?

I've been looking out for your
sex life since high school.
You what?

Ohhhh! Ohh!

[Laughs]

The first tits
this guy ever saw...

were because of me.

The first girl
he ever hooked up with...

was at my party
at my cottage.

That girl is the girl he's marrying.

The Stif-man showed him the way.

- Can I get a "Hallelujah"?
- Hallelujah, Stifler!

But, my fuckers,

this mofo right here
does not want the Stif-meister,

the grand, fucking facilitator
to attend the wedding.

Who sucks donkey dick?
Jim sucks donkey dick!

Jim sucks donkey dick!
The answer's no.
Okay? I'm sorry.

The answer's no.
I can dance.

What?
I can dance.

Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim sucks donkey dick!

[Stifler]
Five, six, seven, eight.

Okay. Now-Now what
exactly is this here?

Left box turn.
Left box turn.

Hi. Stop looking into
my eyes.
Sorry. Sorry.

How do you...
How do you know how to do this?

My mom made me take it
for three fucking years.
Yeah?

Yeah, I hated it.
No, you're really good.

Uh, you should take ballet
or something.

Fuckface! What part of
"This sucks my ass"
do you not under-fuckin'-stand?

This is exactly
what I'm talking about, Steven.
You can't behave like this.

I-I-lf you want to come
to the wedding, I'm sorry,
you cannot act like this.

Are you saying
I'm impolite or something?

Impolite would be
an improvement. Look,

just... just try not to be,
uh, you know, uh,

you.

[Skipped item nr. 362]

[Exhales Deeply]
Fuck this shit.
It's not worth it.

Hey, wait, Stifler.
Stifler, hold on.

Wait. Okay. Wh-What if, uh...
What if you, uh, plan
the bachelor party?

With a dildo show?
Sure.

Look. Just...
If you can find the time,
uh, to fit it in,

go ahead, surprise me.

Sorry, chief. That only
gets you halfway there.

Why? Why ha...
What do you mean?

I need assurances that I'm gonna get
some quality action at this wedding.

I'm sor... I can't...
I can't make that promise.

Well, let me put it to you
this way, Jimbo.

No pussy, no dancing. Okay?

No pussy, no dancing.
How's that for polite?
[Raspberries]

[Cackles]

Jim, your suspicions
are confirmed.

Michelle wants a dress
that she can't get.

The dress she wants is Amsale.
They have a store in Chicago.

Now, if we leave right now,

we can get there
by the time they close...
a three-hour drive.

A three-hour drive?
Kick fuckin'ass.

Are we going to Chicago
to see titties?

We are talking about
getting Michelle a dress
in Chicago.

Now, please, vanish.

Hey, Finch,
what's the capital
ofThailand?

Bangkok!
[Yelps]

Dude...
Hey, I got shotgun.

[Groaning]

[Stifler]
Let's get this
dress shit over with.

The strip bar has got
free hot wings before 7:00.

Now, Jim,
let me handle this.

These are my people.
They're gay?

No, you bleeding imbecile.
They have style.
They're cultured.

- They're sophisticated.
- So they're gay.

So, mademoiselle,
I'm sure that
you can appreciate...

that monsieur here is
stuck right between
Scylla and Charybdis.

[Chuckles]
Yes, I'm afraid
he's no Ulysses.

- Okay, what's happening here?
- You need to speak to my dressmaker.

That's who would actually
make the dress. And I'm afraid
Leslie has gone for the day.

Everybody here
in the small town

Everybody here
in the small town

Looks used and abused today

All right. She-She said
she'd probably be at one of
these bars here on Halstead.

I say we split up
and ask around
for a Leslie Summers.

Right.

[Dance]
Read my lips

Read my lips

Hey there,
sweet little thing.

Hey there,
you sweet manly thing.
[Chuckles]

You know,
I really love your shirt.
Do I know you?

I'm Jennifer.
Well, Jennifer,

just relax, take it slow...

and let the good times roll.

'Cause Daddy's a regular here.
Do you want to get a drink?

You're goddamn right I do.
Whoo-hoo!

Whoo. Two cold ones.

Hey, you know, my friend
would really dig your vibe.
Will you wait here?

Sure thing, babe.
Good.

All right.

How you feeling, sexy?
Pretty good.

Whoa. You have a deep voice.

That's not all.
[Laughs]

Oh, right.

You look really cute tonight.
Thanks.

I guess. What the...

[Smack]

Oh, hey.
Gettin' a little frisky.
[Smack]

[Smack]
Oh. Game over.

What's happening here?

Hey. Any luck?

- Not so much.
- All right. Let's, uh...

Free

This is Bear.

Hey.
Wow. You are a bear.

- [Roars]
- [Roars]

- Yeah.
- [Barks]

How much you bench?

- How much you weigh?
- Why?

You wanna try
and pick me up?

[Chuckles]
Yeah, I think I could.

Yeah, I bet you could.
You are big.

I could use
a guy like you on my team.

Are you...
Are you talking about our team
or an actual team?

What the hell is "our team"?

Hi. Where's the girl?
[Gasps]

What the fuck
are we talking about?

You need to take
another look around.

[Continues]

- [Man] Hey, honey. !
- Oh, my God.
What the fuck is going on?

[All Laughing]

- Come on. Is that all you got?
- [Gasps]

Pussy!

I, uh... I must have came
to the wrong place.
Stifler.

Stifler.
Oh, man.

Hey.
Oh, it's so good
to see you.

I...
How did you get up the nerve
to check out a gay bar?

Yeah. Really don't wanna
talk about it right now.
I just wanna go home.

- Your friend here was just leaving.
- Eat shit.

Did you find Leslie?
Fuck your stupid
dressmaker, man.

- You guys know Leslie Summers?
- Uh, we're trying to find her.

You know what?
I think you guys are out of luck.
Why don't you go home?

No. Y-You know Leslie...
He knows Leslie S...
Okay, look.

My friends and I just drove
all the way from Michigan...

to find my fianc�e
the wedding dress
that she deserves.

Now, we need Leslie
to make it for us.
Can-Can you please help us find her?

I'm sure Leslie always helps
associates of assholes.

What are you looking at?
I'm not a steak.

Listen, breeder,
not every gay man
wants to have sex with you.

Oh, yeah?
Listen up, ass jockey.

If I were gay,
you'd want me.
Really.

Really. I got style.

I'm cultured.
I'm sophisticated.

And all that just radiates
from your oh, so sexy self.

That's bullshit.

Everyone wants
a piece of the Stif-meister.

[Crowd Laughing]

Right! Yeah!

Without a doubt!
[Laughing]

- I'll show you fuckers.
- Bye.

Everybody say, "Bye. "Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Good luck with the dress.

Give us a drink.

[Ominous Synthesized]

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Up-tempo Pop]

- Just a steel town girl
on a Saturday night
- [Mouth Words]

Mother of God.

In the real-time world
no one sees her at all

They all say she's crazy

She's a maniac, maniac

On the floor

And she's dancing like
she's never danced before

Bitch!

Ooh, baby, do you know
what that's worth

Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

They say in heaven
love comes first
[Woman] Whoo-hoo. !

What is this, a dance-off?

Aplace on earth

Oh, yeah?

[Cheering]

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree

I travel the world
and the seven seas

Everybody's looking for something

[Cheering]

She's got it

Yeah, baby, she's got it

[Man]
Go, big boy. !
I'm your Venus

I'm your fire
at your desire

FI-FI-FI-FI-Flex

You've gone too far this time

But I'm dancing

On the valentine

I tell you somebody's
fooling around

With my chances
on the danger line

I'll cross that bridge
when I find it

Another day
to make my stand

Ohhh-oh

High time is no time for deciding

lf I should find a helping hand

Ohhh-oh

Why don't you use it

Try not to bruise it

[Cheering]

I love you!

What?

Fabulous. Seeing that
was worth anything.

Look, I'm Leslie Summers,
and you've got yourself a dress.

Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.
Hey, who's your friend?
Uh, K-Kevin.

Was that the best night
ever or what?
Stifler,

are you...
are you kidding me?
It was amazing.

Hey, guys!
Hey, hey.

Hey, when you get
your bachelor party together,
I manage some girls in town.

Real ones.
All right.

Call me. Damn, Stiffy,
you got some moves.

[Chuckles]

Told you that guy
wanted to fuck me.
[Laughs]

I can't believe this.
They're really gonna make
the dress for me?

They are expecting your call.
Go ahead.
This is so cool. Oh.

I love you.

Thank you.

Well, that worked out.

Well, maybe it's time we have
that special dinner chat.

I'll have turkey.

Thanks for helping out.

We're so close,
and there's still so much to do.

Cadence!

Hey.
Hi.

Cadence, this is Paul Finch.
Finch, meet my younger sister, Cadence.

Nice to meet you.
You're reading Descartes.

Yep.

Cogito ergo sum.
"I think, therefore I am."

Hungry.
[Chuckles]

Hungry.

So, when's Mark getting in?

Uh, let's see,
that would be never.

Did you guys break up?
How tragic.

Uh, sorry, Paul Finch.
Girl stuff.

[Plane Engine Roaring]

Just stay calm. I'm available,
she's available. It's all good.

She's a beautiful girl,
and you're you.

[Exhales Deeply]
[Cadence]
I dumped him.

[Michelle]
But it was Mark. I thought
you really liked him. He was nice.

[Cadence]
Yeah, but sometimes nice isn't so nice.

W-Wait. Hold on.
Let me get this straight.

He didn't want to do it.
He said he didn't want to
ruin what we had...

by deflowering ourselves.

Who the hell uses
the word deflower?

[Michelle Groans]
That's like something Mom would say.
Yeah.

And I'm starting to realize
that Mom and Dad's idea of
appropriate behavior...

might be a little bit
different than mine.

Mich, you're in love.
Shh.

You're getting married.
I mean, what's this like?

It's like it's...
I'm never gonna be able
to explain it.

I wanted us to write
our own vows for the wedding,
and now I can't do mine.

I... How do you explain love?

Uh, I-I guess
I wouldn't know.

I don't think I've ever
felt that way about a guy.

Oh, someday you will.
Maybe.

But in the meantime,
I don't think it would hurt to
get a little rowdy this weekend.

Jim's got single friends,
right?
Yes.

- Think Finch is a possibility?
- Oh, Finch is boneable.

Yes, he is boneable.
[Chuckles]

[Thud]
[Water Sloshing]

Dickhead. You do not send shit
to my office at school.

Hey, Stifler.
Why don't you come in
and make yourself comfortable?

Your letter made a great
impression on Coach Marshall
when he read it.

Let me just refresh
your memory, partner.
"Dear Steve,

I will be forever in your debt
if you teach me to dance
like you did in the gay bar."

I put serious thought
into that letter.

[Stilted]
"Don't push me 'cause I'm
close to the edge.

I'm trying not to
lose my head." Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
[Laughs]

[Cadence]
These are really nice.
I mean, for a bridesmaid dress.

- At least something
you can actually wear again.
- Wear again.

[Cadence]
But you don't think
it's too sexy, do you?

I mean, I don't want to seem
slutty or anything. I'm trying
to attract a decent guy here.

[Michelle Scoffs]
It's a wedding.
They'll all be decent guys.

I just don't feel
quite like a virgin in it.

Oh!

So, you guys have to be psyched
to be done with college.

I mean, I swear,
I'm running out of room
in my brain for everything.

There's always room for
Plato and Aristotle.

Some of my favorites.
[Chuckles]

Excuse me, guys.

Finch, she thinks
you were being sarcastic.

[Stifler]
Okay. It's so good to see you.

You want some help?
Here. Let me...
Let me help you out there.

There you go. Okay.
You keep fighting
the good fight, sir.

It's great.

That was really sweet of you.

Yeah. I love old people.

Hey, I hate to be nosy
and impolite, but, um,

do you know Jim Levenstein
and Michelle Flaherty?
Yeah.

Are they here?
Well, I'm Cadence,
Michelle's sister.

I had no idea.
I'm their good friend Steven.

Well, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too.

Well, they're around town
doing some wedding stuff.
That's cool.

But there's still a few of us
in the other room
if you want to join us.

I don't know.
I mean, you look so nice,
I feel underdressed.

Well, I think you look great.
Thank you.

Oh, here they are.
Hi, boys.
Don't stand up.

- The dads aren't here yet?
- I'll go find him.

Now, which one of you
is the best man?

Jim didn't pick just one.
Or I mean, he-he couldn't decide.

- Hey, Paul. Hey, Kevin.
- Mom, I want you to meet Steven.

He's friends ofJim's
and mine and, oh, everyone's.

[Chuckles]
You look very familiar,
Steven.

Really? Oh, I'm afraid
we've never met.
Oh.

Oh. Well, we have now.

Oh, looks like you found
Samantha's Sweets.

Oh, yes.
Isn't their chocolate
just to die for?

- Oh, well, you have no idea.
- Actually, I do.

I love chocolate
more than life itself.
More than life itself.

Yes. ! I was just saying
to your friends that...

I have something
very precious here.

What is it?

Michelle's grandmother's...
my mother's... wedding ring.

Isn't that precious?

But since all of you
are the best man,

I don't know who should
ho-hold onto it.

- I think it's best if I...
- Oh, um...

I think you should
get to know us first
and then decide.

You are such
a gentleman, Steve.

I hear that all the time,
but it never gets old.
Aw.

Hey, Paul, uh,
do you have a camera?

How thoughtful.
[Mouthing Words]

I must have forgotten
my camera at home, Steven.

Oh, m-maybe you could take,
like, a mental note.

- [Chuckles]
- I won't forget this moment.

I bet you won't.
Would you care to join us?

I would love to.
Thank you.
Well, come on.

Lovely to see you fellas.
Thank you.
[Mouthing Words]

[Stifler]
Oh, amazing.

What the hell is he doing
near my flowers?

I love the way the tulips
accentuate the, um...

- What do you
call those again, sir?
- Double Lisianthus.

Lisianthus.
Double "Lisianthums."

What a pretty name.

I told him to be nice,
or-or he couldn't come
to the wedding.

I will take care of this.
I will take care of this.
[Stifler] Hey. Hey, James.

Oh, great. Come on over.
Oh, great. Come on over.

See if I forgot anything.
I don't think...
Oh. Oh, oh.

We're having a great time.
I think I've got it all.

Oh, look, look, look, look.

- [Mouthing Words]
- Sahara and Desert Rose...

for your bridesmaids' bouquet.

Oh, give me that.
Smell this.

It's fantastic.
Fantastic.

And, oh... Oh. Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!
[Mouthing Words]

[Laughs, Squeals]
Look at this.

Oh, boy.
Let's go look at
the candelabrum, honey.

I think with
the Summer Blossoms. Mm-hmm.

Cutie.
Thank you for everything.

What do you think, girls?
Isn't this adorable?
Bye, Cadence.

Okay, I know...
I know what you're doing.
Look. Have you seen yourself?

I can't believe
you're doing this.
Just calm down, dude.

It's all set.
What's set?

I'm gonna teach you to dance
like a "Baryshiniankov."

Oh, yeah.
He is pretty good.

Jim, he's not doing it to be nice.
He's doing it to bone Cadence.

Look, maybe we should
give him a chance.
You know, I think... I think...

that underneath all the fucks
and shits and blow mes,

there's a very sensitive person
who is just thirsty for acceptance.

That's-That's what I think.

Oh, Jim, you've gotta
stop masturbating.
It's melting your brain.

Observe the fuckin' Stif-meister.

What is his defining characteristic?

He uses the F-word excessively.

Thanks, man.

But I also have confidence.
You're one big floppy cock.

Look at you.
You've gotta stand like a man.

Your posture tells
your partner where to go.

Okay. Okay.
Okay?

Follow my lead.

This is the waltz.
Waltz. Okay.

Waltz. Okay.

That's pretty good.
You're fuckin' right
it's good.

I'm gonna save your ass
in this wedding.

Pretty soon you're gonna
want me to shave your balls.

Should I shave my balls?
Do you shave your balls?
How do you do it?

Dude, no.

I... I... I'm just...

[Chuckles]
Shaving.

[Skipped item nr. 710]

You know, there's nothing like
a local pub.

Mm-hmm.
It's like real America...

without all that corporateness
and catchy jingles.
Well, what's wrong with a good jingle?

I think it was Voltaire who said,

"A jingle witty proves everything
for my friends and I."

- [Chuckles]
- Cadence.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

You're just in time
for Voltaire's greatest hits.

Voltaire?
Stifler, please, who was Voltaire?

Someone much wiser than you,
I'm afraid, Finch.

Actually, I'm getting
a little burned out
on all the intellectual stuff.

Yeah. Me too.

Being smart is so hard.
[Chuckles]

I'll give you some intelligence.

Voltaire can suck on my balls.

What?

It's about time somebody
finally came out and said it.

Hey, I'm gonna give you a quote to live by.

"Love life, get paid and then get laid."

That is the basic philosophy
of the Finch-meister.

I like that.
[Mouthing Words]

- Bet you do.
- But I don't know why you do...

because Finch-meister
doesn't make any friggin' sense.

- Sure, it does.
- No fuckin' shit it does.

Cadence, let's leave
the "crayton" here, shall we?

Whatever. Fuck it.
I'm walkin' anyway.

Wait. You know, actually,
I think I'm gonna go stretch my legs
with the Finch-meister.

- You don't mind, do you, Steven?
- No.

Ha!

[Huffing]

It's on like Donkey Kong, bi-i-itch.

Pack it up, bitch.

I'm on it. Thank you.

So, uh, Cadence say
anything about me?

[Scoffs]
Whatever you and Finch are pulling,
she seems to like you both.

Finch. Is she gonna be
around tomorrow night?

No, she's going up to Chicago
with Michelle for the final dress fitting.

What about her parents?
I think her mom kind of likes me.

They're going up north with,
uh... with my parents...

for, uh...
you know, to get things, uh,
ready for the rehearsal.

So, uh...
So that's where they'll be.

So don't bother
looking for them or anything, you know.

A wedding.
[Scoffs]

Shit. How do you know
she's the right girl?

I just do.

I'm a better person when
I'm with Michelle. Nobody else can...
No, no, no, shithead.

You hooked up with
one other girl for, what, 10 seconds.

Not to mention you passed on Nadia.
Dumbest fuckin' thing ever.

You're like a blind man picking out
his favorite porno.

This shit is crazy.

[Jim's Dad]
This is just
the old pre-wedding jitters, son.

[Jim]
It's so forever, you know. It-It's, uh...

You know, Michelle is the only, uh,

girl that I've... I've been with.

Honestly, now...
Honestly, would you have
passed up sex with Nadia?

Why? Did she say something?

Hypothetically, Dad.
Oh, hypothetically.

Well, I mean, you know,
Jim, I'm a married man.

I'm...
If-lf-lf you weren't married.

She's a college girl.
If you were a college guy.

In a heartbeat.
Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

First of all,
what-what you're feeling is so normal
and perfectly natural.

Marriage is not about, uh,
animal lusting and-and kinky sex games.

It's not so much about who's the dog
and who's the fire hydrant tonight.

It's-It's deeper than that.

The longer a marriage lasts,

uh, the longer you can go,

uh, without sex.

But when that magic night
does happen, uh,

it's-it's all the more meaningful.

And let me tell you,
your mother, bless her,

can still make me, uh,
squeal like a pig.

Uh, and I mean that
in the good sense, son.
Do you follow what I'm saying?

You understand where I'm going?
I do. I, uh...
I think I, uh...

Anything else you need?
No. No, that's, uh...

Anything I can do.

Don't make me listen
to this stupid broken record again

Don't make me listen
to this stupid broken record again

The needle's skipping and repeating
never reaching the end

You know, you're bitching and complaining
like you got it so tough

We're sick of all your crying
Will you ever shut up

He's not here.
Park the cars down there
where he won't see them.

[Laughing]
Hoo! Fuckin' right!

So, you like my pants, Stiffy?
Whatever, dude.
As long as the girls are worth it.

They're worth it.
Oh, and if you've got some good wine too,
that'll score some points for you.

- We think there's some in the...
in the basement.
- I'll get it.

You ain't gonna want to miss this.

[Laughing]
Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, I would like to introduce...

[Skipped item nr. 800]

Officer Krystal und Fr�ulein Brandi.

[Finch]
Oh, my God.

[Stifler]
Oh. ! Oh. ! Oh. ! Yeah. !

- Oh, my God!
- You boys have been very messy.

Wanna make ya bounce
Every single ounce

Whoops. Can you see my fanny?

Whoops.
[Giggles]

Ohh!
[Finch Moans]

[Moaning]

[Stifler]
Whoo. !

- [Yelps]
- Oh!

- [Gasps]
- You naughty girl.

[Giggles]

None of that pleading the Fifth crap!

- You boys are gonna talk.
- Uh... Uh...

[Stifler]
Wow. !

[Stifler Cackling]

Oh, my God!

[Grunts]
Are you just gonna
stand there and drool?

- Or are we gonna have a bachelor party?
- Fuck yeah, we are!

Yeah? What?
I can't hear you.

Louder!
Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes. Bachelor party.

Can't hear you.
Louder! Louder!

- Stick a finger in my ass!
- [Gasps]

- That's weird.
- You just wait.

Look, maybe we should
just wait for... Jim.

- Fuck Jim, man! This is for us.
- Take her top off.

My girlfriend has strict rules
about this. No touching.

[Groaning]
What are you, a dancing clown?

You wipe that shit-eating grin off
your face, you punk-ass little bitch.

- This is awesome!
- [Krystal]
Oh, you like that?

You like it, huh?
How much?
Boob.

No! Hmph!

I'm sorry.
No, not yet.
But you will be.

Like I said, this is awesome.

I'm freakin'you, baby
Drivin'you crazy

Hey, listen, I-I-I-I think we both know
that Officer Krystal and me have this...

You know. Yeah.
Thing? Mm-hmm.

Baby
Drivin'you crazy

Put my style
Put your style

Honey child
Honey child

No one has ever
slapped my ass like that.

No one's ever pinched
my nipple with such ferocity.

Because I'll say the things
that I know that you like

Know you like
I take your back

I... I'm a master
of the Tantric art.

I-I look at her body...

and I just see the chakras and
the things I can do to her and...

[Inhales]
Ohh!

And make you move
Uh-huh

Because I'm freakin'you, baby
Drivin'you crazy

I'm freakin'you baby
Drivin'...

You. You look cute.
I... Oh, thank you.

Thank you, but you...
you're the cute one.

Stiffy! How slimming
is this, huh?

What the fuck,
Buffalo Bill?

What, this... What,
the pink too much?

It puts the dress in the drawer
and it does as it's told.

Oh, dude.
Now that's fucked up.

That's fucked up.

And in closing, you have been
a naughty, naughty girl.

[Cackles]
You been naughty, Brandi?
You been fuckin' naughty?

[Stifler Giggles]
Fresh.

[Screams]
Take her top off!

You didn't get to cleaning,
little bitch fucker? Huh?
Ow!

[Screams]

Wanna see us kiss?

Fuck, no.
No, no.

None of that
"you go, we go" bullshit.

[Stifler]
Already done that.
[Finch] Very good of you.

I'm freakin'you, baby

Take a spin, baby

Drivin'you crazy

[Whines]

That you ever met was me

I used to have this pet bass.
Oh.

His name was Arnie, and...
Oh, he was so cute.

And he just loved me too.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.

He'd just look up at me...
Maybe you could dance.

and make this face like...

Or something like that.
I don't know. It was great.
God, I miss him, but...

Um, sometimes I watch
the Discovery Channel, and...

[Groans]
I don't care!

Could you just
dance for me, please?

No, that's my favorite...

It was my favorite shirt.
Uh, okay.

Hey. What?

Nothin'.

It's a crazy party, huh?

Baby

'Cause I want you
to be my lady

I'm freakin'you, baby

Don't worry about him.
You don't worry about him.

He's... He's a... He's a maniac.
And you're a maniac, you know that?

And I want you to be a lady

[Muffled, Indistinct]
[Laughs]

Stifler, why in the world
are you focused on me?

I'm surprised to see
you don't have tits.

[Giggles]
How can I clean you
if you are not dirty?

Go put something on
that I must clean off with my tongue.

Ohh. Anything
for a French person.

If you insist, Fr�ulein.

I see you, baby
Shaking that ass

Shaking that ass
Shaking that ass

- I see you, baby
shaking that ass
- Ah!

Oh, yeah.

Look at you,
you pathetic, little weasel.

Can't I just watch?

Look, you don't have to do
anything if you don't want to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Don't break character ever again.

Okay? I don't care if Kevin starts crying
because Finch bit his cock off.

You're a dirty cop, you're a prissy maid
and I am your filthy cabana boy
in need of much punishment and cleaning.

Don't you ever mouth off
to Officer Krystal,

- You dirty, little pervert!
- Okay.

Now, obey!
I obey! I obey!

Jesus!

Break it on down
Huh, what

Whoo
[Grunts]

What
Break it on down

Guys, are we having dinner?

Here, let me get that.

I see you, baby
shaking that ass

Holy shit!
Stifler.

I've got something really nice
cooking up for you.
Well, we love surprises.

Stifler, you said you spoke toJim.
I did.
I was secret about it and everything.

He said he'd be
the only one here tonight.
What the fuck, shit-brick?

Chocolate.
Ah, sh...

Now, I told everyone
that you were up north
with my parents.

Okay.
So we won't be bothered. We can
just, uh, totally relax and no worries.

[Mary Chuckles]
Please come on in.

Make yourselves at home.
Right this way.
Thank you.

Sir.

[Gasps]
What?

Pink roses.

[Jim]
Pink roses.
Yeah.

They're nice, aren't they?
Yes. Artificial. Nice try.

Well...
[Chuckles]
I almost got ya.

Yeah. Well.

So, has Michelle ever told you
the story ofhow we fell in love?

Oh, why don't you retell us now?

It's... It's one of my favorite stories.
Where should I begin?

Um...
[Clears Throat]

Let's see. Uh...

Well, I suppose, uh...
I suppose it all started at, um...

Tall Oaks.

That's-That's right.
At Tall Oaks.

That was the summer when, uh... Oh!

Oh! The summer that was so hot.

So hot.
All right. Look what I got.

Jesus!

Hey there.
Hi there.

Hey.
Jim, I cannot believe you.

- You can't?
- You hired help on our account?
That is entirely unnecessary.

But I will have some of that wine, sir.

- Say, "Please," Harold.
- Please. Of course.

[British Accent] Absolutely.
It's what he's here for,
is-is the wine, obviously.

Yes. Evidently.
What else would you be here for?

And-And-And I certainly appreciate
your-your-your courtesy, sir.

Ah. Uh, well, yes.

Uh, we have...
we have right here a 1999...

cabernet seve... um...

full-bodied, masculine wine.

Just shouts sophistication.

- James.
- Yes.

Well, I can see you're very surprised
to see me here.
A little bit.

I'm going to go
check on the dogs.
Yes, yes!

In fact, why don't you both
go check on the dogs and...

No, no, no.
Don't check on the dogs.
They're fine.

- How do you know?
- Because I just checked on the dogs.

Because he just checked on the dogs.
Good work, man.
I did.

- Jim, I'll help you with the turkey.
- Okay.

Um, and I'll keep you company.

Thank you. Whoo.

So, how long have you been
a sommelier, Mr., um...

Belvedere, ma'am.
Oh. Belvedere.

It's chilly in here.

So, how long do we have to
stay in here for?

I don't know.
They said to hide.

I guess we'll just wait
for 'em to call us.

[Krystal]
Who knows what kind of kinky shit
they're getting ready for us.

Do these go
in your ass tonight or mine?

Do you have a serving dish ready?

- Jim.
- Hmm?

We need a serving dish.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course.

- Oh!
- What?

- Nothing.
- Then why the excitement?

I thought, uh, the-the dish was broken.

Well, is it?
No.

Then, are you going to get it?
Yes.

Here you go.
One serving dish.
Excellent.

Now what we need...
a cutting board.

Huh? No, no, no, no!
Stop!
What?

I-I will get it for you.
Nonsense.
I can get a cutting board.

Ah, let's see. There you go.
This should do nicely.

I presume we're having
white wine with the turkey.

Uh, let me go check.

[Mary Chuckles]

What happened here?

[Jim]
Oh, um, that... that's mud.

I meant to clean
that up this morning.
How embarrassing.

That's gonna stain.
We're gonna need a mop.

I'll get it.
It's in this closet.

Oh! No, no, no!
No, it's not.

- It's in there.
- It's not in this closet...

because I-I, um...
I moved it... I moved it.

Well, where?
I'll go get it.

I-I don't...
I don't remember.

You don't remember?

You know why I don't remember
is because I actually did not move it.

The cleaning lady did.

Your mother said
you don't have a cleaning lady.

I don't know why
she would say such a...
You called, master?

Holy...
Well, there you are.

Hello.
How do you do?

Uh, so, cleaning lady,

we were wondering
where... where the mop was.

Master put the mop
in my fanny.

- You what?
- Who put what where?

I did no such thing anywhere.

Shall I clean?
[Giggles]

[Chuckles]
Harold.

[Sighs]
Very well.
It is so hot in here.

[Skipped item nr. 1024]

- [Screams]
- HolyJesus!

- [Breathing Heavily]
- [Screams]

Oh, Brandi, Brandi.
What are you doing?
You're not in Eastern Europe anymore.

You can't do that.
I am so sorry about my... my cousin.
She's not used to our customs.

Jim, I apologize
for recommending her to you.

Oh, here's, uh...
here's this, by the way.

Ah, yeah. Got the mop.

Brandi, you left the mop
in the car.
Hmm?

Now remember,
it's called a car, not a fanny.

You remember last time when you wanted
me to take a ride in your fanny?
Of course.

- [Jim Laughs]
- [Brandi]
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

[Finch]
You know what?
We should probablyjust go.

I'm so sorry about this.
I just came by to make sure
everything was in order.

[Sniffs]
Ooh, food smells great!

[Brandi]
Au revoir.

Jim, you have
unique friends.

Harold!
Let's get that cleaned up.

Um, I think I saw
some Pine-Sol in here too.

Aye-yay-yay.
Oh, my God!

Oh, my Lord. !
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

He's okay.
Are you all right?
Are you okay?

Who did this to you?
I'm sure he's okay.
Are you okay?

Get some help!
Harold, call the police!
No, no, please.

- All right!
- Jesus!

I'll take charge from here.

- They are fast here.
And nicely attired.
- What's going on here?

- She's here to protect and serve.
- Quiet!

- Okay.
- Who let this boy out of the closet?

[Stammering]
You are all in for
a hard punishment now.

Don't you touch him.
He's been hurt.

- No, this is hurt!
- Ow!

You can't do that.
Silence, fucker!

Ow!
Oh, you like it.

Oh!
Harold!

What's gotten into you?
I meant "ow."

Dirty whore!
Shut your hole! Obey!

[Screaming]
[Harold]
You can't do that. !

- [Mary] You're a disgrace
to the police force.
- I'll be giving you an enema!

Hey, somebody untie me. !

Back off!
All right, forget it.
We give up.

Oh, Steven! Steven!

Oh, it's okay, Mary.
What's going on?

Listen. This isn't
working, guys.

Krystal, you can
drop the act.
This isn't a real cop.

Kevin wasn't assaulted.
[Gasps]

I just wanted to makeJim
look good for you guys.

Like a real hero.
Kind of like me.

So, we hired a fake cop
and we tied up Kevin
and put him in the closet.

Jim was supposed to
rescue him, untie him,
give him mouth-to-mouth.

I don't know
what he likes to do.

You know, and then Paul Finch
hired an exotic dancer
instead of a real actor.

Jim, is this true?

- Every word of it.
- That is the stupidest idea
I have ever heard.

You've embarrassed me and Harold
and Mr. Belvedere.

It's all my fault.
I'm a bad person.

Oh, you're not a bad person.
You were just trying to
help out your best friend.

And it was an awful idea.
But I suppose it's the thought
that counts.

You know, actually, um...

Actually, I-I never
should have allowed...

such a... such a crazy plan
to happen in the first place.

If you're gonna
blame anybody here, blame me.

Well, I'm sorry, Jim.
I didn't realize how much pressure
we put on you.

I'm sure you both
learned your lesson
and I suppose I understand.

Jim, if you put half as much energy
into your marriage
as you put into tonight,

I'm confident
that I can give you my blessing.

And, Steven,
we still adore you, honey.

In fact, I think I know
who should hold onto this.

We adore you.
You'll take good care of it.

You've gotta be kidding me.
No.

Look it, Jim. Kevin.
Boy, this really makes me
important to the wedding, huh?

Yes.

Well, Mr. Belvedere, it's gonna
be one fucked-up wedding.

Absolutely.

Drive carefully.
There's more bags
in the study.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

But everything
it all just feels the same

Ow! Is there any room
for me?

Uh, nope.

Oh, I'll just drive up north
all by myself.

That sounds good.
We'll see you later.

No, I'll drive with you.
Oh, thanks, Cadence.

- Beautiful lady.
- Sure.

Hey, Finch...
I know, shut up.
Kevin.

I don't ever wanna be you

Don't wanna bejust like you

What I'm saying is this is the anthem
throw all your hands up

You

So, my mom found the dogs
playing with something unusual
this morning.

What?
I told her it was
a neck massager.

Oh, these are great.

Go to college, a university

Get a real job
That's what they said to me

[Skipped item nr. 1117]

But I could never live
the way they want

Do you really wanna be like them

Do you really
wanna be another trend

Do you wanna be
part of that crowd

'Cause I don't ever wanna
I don't ever wanna be you

Hilarious, huh?
Yeah.
[Laughs]

That kind of thing's
so lethargic to me.

[Laughs]
What do you mean?

I'm not sure.

This is the anthem
Throw all your hands up

Y'all got the feeling
Sing if you're with me

You
Don't wanna bejust like you

Just like you
This is the anthem
Throw all your hands up

Y'all got the feeling
Sing if you're with me

Another loser anthem
Whoa-oh

Mr. "Styfler,"
I already told you...

you called two days ago
and canceled your reservation.

Since you now
wish to stay here,

I thought you could
persuade Mr. Finch
to share his room.

Hey, shithead.
I didn't cancel my reservation.

Mr. Fuckface Finch
called here,

and Mr. Idiot-Behind-The-Desk
canceled it.

Kristof, please
pardon my friend's
uncouth behavior.

I did no such thing.

Nor did I, sir,

and your rudeness
and obscenities
won't change anything.

Oh. Well, then,
I guess it doesn't matter...

if I call you a crotch-face,
you ball-scratching Finch-fucker.

- Or better yet,
go blow your dad!
- My dad?

Hear, hear!

While you're there,
stick a finger up both their asses.

[Stifler]
Oh.
[Laughs]

Um, uh, hey.
Hi.

Um, Finch, rudeness and obscenity
won't change anything.

Here's a thought.
Grow a sack,
fill it with some balls,

magically sprout a dick,
shove it up your ass,
start fucking yourself with it.

Yeah, baby!

Whoo! Baby, you know
what I'm sayin'? Oh!

Ohh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Yeah!
This is disgusting!

- [Yelps]
- Why don't you go dust
with your perverse European cousin?

Is she here?
Unbelievable.

[Mary]
I'd like to book a tee time
for my husband...

and a European
pumpkin-peel facial
for me, please.

Ooh!
Make that two.

[Jim's Dad]
You're gonna have
a fun weekend, Ma.

I am missing my soap.
Well, don't you worry
about your soaps.

Will you push faster?
I'm tired.

And wait till you meet Michelle.
You're gonna love her.
She's sweet as sugar.

I can't eat sugar.
I know,
because you're diabetic.

You know, Ma,
I know things haven't been
going well for you. I know that.

But wait till you seeJim standing
up there at the altar tomorrow.

I mean, if ever there was
a time to be happy and smile
the biggest smile,

now is the time.
Okay. Okay!

I'm overjoyed.

That's... That's a start.

Proud grandmother
coming through.

Grandson's
getting married tomorrow.

You think she's happy now?
Wait till tomorrow.

Congratulations.

[Glass Clinking]

Grooming.

Do you think
that I could get some
Jiggy, jiggy

Maybejust a little finga
Sticky, sticky

You my electrical lip balm flava

I gotta do ya till
the next song saves ya

Can I get a little zip zip
Looky, looky
[Buzzing]

Maybejust a little uh-uh
Looky, looky

She got the power
of the hoochie

I got the fever for the flava
of the coochie

And did I mention
Hey, pay attention

Gonna take that booty
to the nudie dimension
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey

- [Clippers Buzzing]
- Oh, pretty, pretty shy, whoa

What do I have to say
You got bigger.

To get inside, girl

What do I have to say

Mmm

The flowers stay refrigerated
until morning.

Just as we made them.
Oh, I'm sure they will.

[Coughing]
Oh, my...

[All Coughing]

- Oh! Ah!
- Oh, Jimmy, no!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hope you'll be more careful
with the next one.

My kitchen
is not a toilet. Okay?

Boy, pubic hair
was just not an issue
when I was dating.

The ladies, uh,
never complained
when they were...

you know, down in
that general area.

Okay, if you never mention
that ever again, that'd be great.

You're right. No, no, no. Okay.
Shouldn't have brought it up.
Maybe...

So, can I see the ring?

So, can I see the ring?

Nope. Promised to keep it safe.
It's not leaving my pocket.

Okay, Frodo.

[Both Chuckle]

You really care about
this wedding, don't you?

Yeah. I'm gonna cry
at the ceremony.

I know it.
[Sighs]

Are you just saying
all of this?

I mean, do you act differently
around certain people?
Namely me.

Of course not.
Why? Do you act
differently around me?

Generally I'm just me.
If people don't like it,
then that's their problem, right?

Yeah. Fuck those fuckers.

What?

I-I didn't...
No, you know, you're right.
Fuck 'em.

[Chuckles]

- Hey, Harold and Mary.
- Oh, hi, kids.
- Hi.

How's it going?

Thanks for, um...
Come on. Thanks for
watching the dogs.

I love these guys.
Hey, you guys want more Snausages?
Huh? There you go.

- Eat 'em up, fellas.
- Give me some.

Oh, there you go.
I don't think I have any left.

- What's wrong?
- Oh, shit.

- Are you okay?
- [Whimpers]

Yeah.

You kissed Stifler?
Yeah, but then he freaked.

And it's like he's been
paying more attention
to the dogs than me.

Can I stop worrying then?
Michelle, he's been nothing
but nice to me.

I mean, do you think
he really likes you? Like...

I don't know.
I hope he likes me.

I mean, I think
he likes me.

We're...
Well, yeah, I guess
I hope he likes me.

Do it.

Don't fuck around.

Just relax and let it go.

I'm sick of waiting.

Do it for Daddy.

Will you just take a shit already?

[Skipped item nr. 1246]

Great.

You fed the ring
to the dogs, didn't you?

[Scoffs, Snickers]
Of course not.

You have been staring at those dogs
like a hawk all day.

I'm a dog lover.

Oh, and by the way...

apparently you missed
when Cadence kissed me.

Slight tongue action too.

It was something like this.
[Warbles]

You're a terrible liar, Stifler.

If I were lying,
I'd think of something
better than a kiss.

Maybe a blow job
or some titty grabbin'.
[Laughs]

No pussy for you, Finch.

Oh, fuckin' right, doggy!

It's about goddamn time.
Jackpot. !

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some shit to attend to.

[Laughs]
Great!

[Squishing]

[Shudders, Groans]

Thanks, assholes.

[Skipped item nr. 1267]

[Mary] You know,
maybe you can call them.
[Woman] Oh, okay.

Steve, come over here.

Uh, I'm a little busy.

[Mary]
With what? Come on over.
We need you.

- Get over here, you little rascal.
- We were just talking about
Michelle's wedding band.

Could I see it?

Um, no.

- No?
- I don't have it.

What? You mean
you lost it?
Of course not.

I'm keeping it safe in my room,
you silly Sally.

- I apologize.
- That's fine.
I'll just see it later.

Okay. All right then.
What do you have
in your hand there?

- This one?
- No, the other one.

It's a chocolate truffle.
Ooh, yummy. !

Where did you get that?

Oh, the caterer said
she was saving the truffles
for tomorrow.

You sneaky devil.

Well, hey, I managed
to sneak one right past her.

Oh, come on.
This woman loves chocolate.

- At least give her a tiny nibble.
- Give it to Mama.

Mama don't want this.
This is the only piece that I have.

- Idiot.
- Well, break it in half. Come on.

You know what?
Let's just leave the surprises
till tomorrow, huh, guys?

- It's gonna be a great day.
- I'd like my surprise right now.

- No, it's mine!
- Steven, give it to me.

- No.
- Give me the "G" darn truffle.

[Gasps]

- [Gagging]
- [Harold]
Steven, that is so selfish.

[Skipped item nr. 1296]

Mm, it's good.
Is it?
Is it sweet?

- It's so sweet.
- [Gagging]

Close your mouth
when you chew, Steven.
Don't do that.

At least you could describe
to the lovely woman
how delicious it is.

Well, tastes like twigs
and berries.

Is it Swiss or French
chocolate?

Maybe German.
Oh, really?

Uh-huh.
Is it creamy?

Yeah, it's creamy.
Easy to go down, right?

Well, I'm trying
to savor the flavor
right now.

- [Harold]
Is it fresh?
- Oh, it's so fresh.

Nothing better
than when they're fresh.
Nothing better.

The problem is you can't
eatjust one, can ya?

No. No, you can't.
But you've got to know
when to stop, don't you?

You really do, but it's hard.
It's really hard.

Droppings from the gods.
Ooh!

Get me another one, darling.
Come on.

You selfish boy.
Next time, bring
enough for everybody.

Hey, let's keep this
to ourselves. Huh? Okay?

Okay.
I gotta go, okay?

Don't have any more
because it's gonna
spoil your appetite.

Okay. Hey, look, man.
I gotta go.

[Harold]
See ya.
[Chuckles]

[Groans]

[Groans]

Grandma, I want you
to meet some people.

Grandma, this is Michelle.

I'm so proud
to be joining your family.

[Jim]
She's real pretty, huh?

[Jim]
Isn't it great?
We're getting married.

It's amazing, Gram.

NotJewish.
No wedding, Jimmy!
No wedding.

Forget it. Goy. !
Grandma?

- Shit.
- Jim, she hates me.

[Grumbles]

Oh, my God!
Grandma!

Grandma, we love each other.
[Mumbles]

Michelle and I love each other
very much.

And that's all that matters.
Grandma. ! Grandma.

Michelle. Michelle.

[Jazz]
[Jim's Dad]
But, uh, Grandma's okay.

Oh, she's okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, Dad.
She's okay. She's just a little tired.

Okay. My mother
hasn't been well.

When your dad sees the look
on Grandma's face...

it's... it's gonna
break his heart.

Because of me.
It's not because of you.

Michelle, it's not because
of you at all.

It's because Grandma thinks
it's 1801.

Look. Don't... Don't worry.
I will... I'll come up with something.

I promised you
the wedding of your dreams,

and I'm not gonna let
anything ruin it.

Oh.
[Clears Throat]

I would like to propose a toast.

These last few weeks
have really been something
for my lovely wife and me.

We have met some people
we didn't know existed.

We've experienced some things
we didn't think were possible.

We've always tried to make
the best of every situation.

- This is a good situation.
- That's what I'm saying.

This is a wonderful situation.

The coming together
of two families
from different backgrounds.

So, to our new son-in-law,
may we say Erin Go Braugh.

To our lovely daughter
Michelle, L'chaim.

- Did I get that right?
- Very good.

Uh, and let's hope we can sip
many happy shivas together.

Here's to a wonderful wedding.

[All]
Cheers.

See that, shit-brick.
Told you I won.

Hey.
Hey.

So, I just wanted to say
I'm sorry if I freaked you out
with the whole kiss thing.

You didn't freak me out.

I just wanted
to let you know that...

you make me feel special.

I think you're the most
special girl I've ever known.

Maybe you'd wanna make things
extra special tonight.

Which room is yours?

I'm crashing at Kevin's.

Damn.
But I saw...

like a big, fluffy linen closet
at the end of the main hallway.

Yes. Big, fluffy
linen closet is good.
Okay.

Midnight? All right.
Yeah. Okay.

Oh!

Gonna have sex with Cadence

Gonna have sex with Cadence

Whoo! Uh-huh.

Cadence
Jesus!

You fuckin' stalker.

You're not
a very stealthy thief.

Oh, really?
Guess what, shit-brick,
it's a wedding.

Everything's free.
What do you want?

Well, Stifler, Jim's grandma
doesn't approve of the wedding.

We're trying to run
interference and,

reluctantly,
I am asking for your help.

Hmm.
Sorry, Finch-meister.
I got plans with Cadence.

Stifler, maybe you could forget
about your dick for one second
and actually be useful.

[Slams Bottle Down]
Fuck you, Finch.

You didn't eat shit, okay?

You didn't prance around here
like a ballerina for the whole week.

"Oh, wedding" this.
"Suck my ass" that.

"I'm special. You're special."
We're all just a bunch
of special fuckers, aren't we?

Well, you know what?
I'm a-gonna get laid,
Finch-fucker.

And it's gonna be
oh, so good.

It's gonna be like,
"You like this shit, Mama?"

She's gonna be like,
"Fuckin' right, doggy,
give it to me.

Suck on my nipples
like you're milking a cow."

Like...
[Sucking]

[Meowing, Sucking]

[Meowing, Sucking]

[Meows]
You been here long?

[Sucking]

Oh, shit.

Yeah.
Cadence,

it is my distinct pleasure
to introduce you...

- To the real Steve Stifler.
- Hi.

Hi.

Pumpkin.
[Stammers]

You are quite
the gentleman, Stifler.

You could have told me
she was behind me.

[Skipped item nr. 1414]

Between Grandma
and Stifler and Cadence.
The cake. The cake!

I mean, are you kidding me?
You know, I thought
I had grown out of this...

sort of behavior,
but I keep messing up.

These things
keep happening to me.

And if I can't bring it
together for one day,

how am I gonna hold it together
for the rest of our lives?

I'm really afraid that this is
how it's always gonna be.

Yeah, but you always manage
to get yourself into serious shit,

and somehow
you always come out of it
better than you went in.

I don't know how, but you do.
Everything is gonna be fine.

Yeah. Um, uh, you need to
come into the kitchen right now.

There's... Yeah.
Jesus, now what?

[Groans]

There is no way to remake
all these in time, is there?

Something must have
disrupted the power.

The compressors need time
to reset after a power loss,
or they overheat.

Essentially, it turns
the refrigerator
into an oven.

Stifler was in here earlier
flipping switches.

Michelle, I am so sorry.

[Door Opens]
Hey!

Ooh. Those flowers
look hideous.

That's 'cause
you killed them, Stifler.

You've ruined everything.

F... What are you
talking about?

You obviously don't care
about this wedding
or anyone in it.

Cadence.

Jim?

Shit-brick, come on.

Maybe you should
just leave, Stifler.

Fine. Adios.

Don't know why I'm still afraid

lf you weren't real
I would make you up

Now

I wish that
I could follow through

I know that your love
is true indeed

As the sea

But right now

Everything you want
is wrong and right now

All your dreams are waking up
and right now

I wish I could follow you

To the shore of

Freedom

Where no one lives

Run away tonight

Freedom

Freedom

Fuckers, it's not my fault!

I'm not an "intellectical"Einstein.
I'm not...

- Damn it. !
- [Tires Squeal]

Everybody's got their problems

Everybody
says the same thing to you
Fuck!

It's just a matter
how you solve them

And knowing you gotta change
the things you've been through

I feel I've come to realize

How fast life can be compromised
Hey, flower fuckers, you there?

Step back to see
what's going on
Zyskowski.

I can't believe part of me
wanna say

'Cause I don't know
if it's for sure

Suddenly, suddenly

I don't feel so insecure
Hello?

[Continues]
Are you awake?

Come on. Come on.
Anybody awake?

Oh. !

- Are you Miss Zyskowski?
- Who are you?

I'm the guy who just killed
all the flowers for the Levenstein-
band geek wedding.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm that guy.

Now what I need you to do
is drag your ass
down to your little store,

gather up some flowers,
slice 'em and dice 'em,

jam 'em all together
and cart that crap
down to the wedding.

Are you completely insane?

- You have no idea.
- Even if I overlook the fact...

that this is the rudest thing
I have ever encountered,

there is no time
to redo all that work.

I had four assistants
working two full days
on that wedding.

I'm sorry.

It's impossible.

[Stifler Scoffs]

We don't quit
at halftime, ma'am!

You don't score
until you score!

That's the spirit, sweetheart.

Did you see the stylish kids
in the riot

Shoveled up like muck
Set the night on fire

Wombles bleed
Truncheons and shields

You know I cherish you, my love
[Stifler]
Pick up the pace.

[Continues]
You guys keep working this hard,
we'll be able to beat the Wildcats.

You remember how tough
they were last year.

Come on. Let's see
some determination.

Determination. !

My love
Oh, how I cherish you, my love

[Stifler]
Come on. Keep working. !

Good, Connor. Very good.
Good, DeBoer.

Really sucks.
Go fix it.

Hey, party guy.
Having a good time, huh?
Can I get you a gin and tonic?

Ring! Hold on a second.
Hello. [Laughs]
Okay.

It's for you.
It's "get to work, fucker."

We are gathered here today
to join these two great people...

in a blessed union and bladdah,
bladdah, bladdah and crap.

Coach, this is kinda gay.

Yeah, it is.

Good work.
Hey, no problem.

So, you got a date
for this thing?

Don't push it.
Sorry.

Holy shit.

[Jim]
How the hell did this happen?

It's a miracle.

Stifler.
Save it, dickhead.
I'm working.

Wombles bleed
truncheons and shields

You know I cherish you, my love

You know
I cherish you, my love

- You're an asshole.
- I know.

You really are an asshole.

Thanks.
[Clears Throat]

I don't do apologies so good.

Well, you get an "A" for effort.
This is amazing.

[Laughs]
Cool.

I was always kind of
a "C" student.

So, did you do all this
just to have sex with me...

or because you really care
about the wedding?

Both.

And, uh...
[Clears Throat]

[Mumbles]
I like you.

What?

I like you.

Well, that's an honest answer.

I gotta go.

Steve Stifler just gave
a rose to a girl and meant it.

This is huge.
It's... It's like watching monkeys
use tools for the first time.

You still pissed
about me and Cadence?

You still pissed
about me and Cadence?

No. Let's see.

She wasn't into
the heavy intellectual stuff.

She actually liked me
being that imbecile.

No, no, somehow I think
she's probably better off with you.

Thanks, shit-brick.

Ooh. Dick.
Fucking hate not hating you.

I did fuck your mom.

Twice.

Ooh! That's better, fucker!
[Knocking]

Oh. Whoa!
Ready to go?

Um, the wedding's
not for another hour.

No, I mean you and me.

[Gasps]
Hold on. Hold on.

Do I still gotta do
this bullshit meeting?

Stifler, you are not
bailing on Jim.

Shit!
Give me 10 minutes?

I'll meet you at the closet.
The closet.

You wanted to see me,
Michelle?

Oh! Okay, sit.

So, uh, Jim said that you've always
kind ofbeen there for him...

when he needed you,
so I thought maybe you could help me.

Jim said that?

What's, uh...
What's the problem?

Okay. Well, I, uh...

I still can't get
my vows right.

Oh. I haven't been this confused
since I got my first period.

That's a very confusing time
for any young lady.

You know, your body
is going through, uh, changes.

Um, stuff coming out,
stuff going in.

Oh, no.
I need help with my vows,
not my period.

Oh, your vows.
Your vows.

Yes, uh, good.
Um, go on.

Jim just wants
a groomsmen's meeting
before the wedding.

It shouldn't take long.
Just don't let her
talk to anyone.

Be careful.
She's feisty.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming out here
and meeting me.

I, um... I just have
a couple of things
I wanna say.

This sucks.

Did I say that out loud?

Keep going.
It's good.

Now, I thought about
what you said, Kev.

About, uh, about how my problems
always seem to work out.

And I realized that the reason
things always work out...

is because you guys have always
been there to back me up.

Even you, Stifler.

For the first time in my life...

I actually feel like
I can't mess anything up.

[Scoffs, Snickers]

Which is pretty amazing.

So, uh,

I-I guess I just wanted
to say thank you.

Thanks. Yeah.
Thanks?

This whole thing
was about thanks?

Ooh! You're welcome,
cock-block!

That was good, Jim.
Real nice.

Let's get you married.
Hmm?

Okay.

[Skipped item nr. 1602]

Love is very difficult
to describe.

And I understand the angst.
I mean, it's your wedding.

And it's natural.
It's perfectly natural.

But it's impossible
to describe a feeling.

Okay, first,
nothing is impossible.

So, let's not focus
on that.

Why do you think, Michelle,
they call it "making love"?

I don't know.
I just call it "boning."

Boning.

Well, when you're doing
other things with Jim...

when you're not,
um, boning...

how does
he make you feel?

Horny, like I wanna bone.

But we can't be boning
from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Oh, you've never tried it?

I certainly have.
I have. I've boned.

From sunrise
right through brunch,
on more than one occasion.

But boning aside,
um, I think they call it
"making love"...

because you have to
make love work.

You know,
it's about compromise
and sacrifice.

And I think Jim
has sacrificed for you.

My God, he shaved
his entire pubic region,

which would baffle
most cultures around the world.

But he did it,
and he did it for you.

You're right.
Love isn't just a feeling.

It's shaving your balls.

Thanks, Dad.

I wouldn't get
into too much detail on that.

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me.

Gonna have sex with Cadence
Uh-huh.

You know, son,
I think this is probably
the right time to tell you that...

that...
I know, Dad.

[Clattering]
[Stifler]
I can't see anything here.

[Clattering]

Oh, there you are.

Guys, what are you doing?
Where's Jim's grandma?

The old bitch sucked.
We had to ditch her.

You what?
Don't worry.

We put her someplace
no one will find her.
[Clicks Tongue]

Cadence,
where are you going?
Oh, Mom.

[Stifler]
Oh, baby.
I'm so ready for this.

[Zipper Unzips]

Your body's not quite
what I was expecting,
but that's okay.

The Stif-man digs
what's underneath.
[Chuckles, Moans]

Oh, you are so beautiful.
Oh, I just wanna...

[Both Gasp]

Stifler. ! Granny. !

Granny? What?
Focus! Focus! Focus!

Out...
It's not what it looks like!

- [Groans]
- Shut the fucking door!

You got it, champ.
[Groans]

[Yells]
[Clattering]

[Piano]

[Piano]

Feeling tired

By
You're a hero.

Hey, pussy's pussy.

Look at the smile
on my mother's face.
The long day

Do you know
how long she's been waiting
for a day like this?

I can't imagine.

Is over

I couldn't be happier.
Thank you.

The wind is gone

Don't.

Good luck.
Thank you, sir.

Asleep at dawn

What made Grandma
come around?
[Continues]

Finch said Stifler
talked to her.

Stifler?

Grandmother fucker.

You're a motherfucker.

Yes, I am.
Oh, you son of a bitch.

[Jim]
And I promise to love you
for as long as I shall live.

Michelle, you are the one woman
I want to be with...

and the woman
I can't be without.

I love you.

I love you.

[Sniffs]

Jim,

I had trouble finding the words
to tell you how I feel.

And I realized something.

Love isn't just a feeling.

Love is something you do.

It's a dress,
a visit to band camp.

A special haircut.

Jim, you've given me
everything I've ever wanted.

And it is my solemn vow...

to give everything I am to you.

James Emanuel Levenstein...

and Michelle Anabeth Flaherty,

I hereby pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[Man] Let's all welcome
Mr. And Mrs. Jim and Michelle Levenstein
onto the dance floor.

Just follow my lead.
I'll try.

We were born before the wind

Also younger than the sun

Ere the bonnie boat was won
as we sailed into the mystic

I taught him that.

Jim, you learned to dance.

Hark, now hear the sailors cry

Smell the sea
and feel the sky

Let your soul and spirit
fly into the mystic

Well, seems like
everything worked out.
Magnificently.

I feel a bit sad
that tonight our little Michelle
is going to be a woman.

Honey, you don't honestly believe
that Michelle is still a...

Well, I'll tell you, Mary.
I can't recall a single moment
with either one of them...

that would make me
think otherwise.

Thank you. See?

Whew! Whoa!
I gotta hear it

I don't have to fear it and I

Wanna rock your gypsy soul

Hey, tough guy.

Stifler's mom.
[Continues]

Well, we meet again.

I was curious.
Didn't see you here.

I try to keep a low profile.

I never really did
like these things anyway.

You know, this has actually
made quite an impression on me.

I have something to look for
in a woman now.

Well, if this is your idea
of a proposal...

Finchy, you gotta know
that I'm over you now.

And I'm over you.

But as they say,
we will always have Paris.

And the pool table.
And the car.

And the two-room suite
I have upstairs.
Come here.

And when that foghorn blows
you know I will be coming home

Turned out better
than I ever imagined.

How did a little perv like you
turn into such a great guy?

How did a little nympho like you
turn into such a great girl?

I'm still a nympho.
Oh, I'm still a perv.

I know.
What's wrong with us?
I don't have to fear it and I

Wanna rock your gypsy soul

Just like way back
in the days of old
[Mouthing Words]

[Skipped item nr. 1737]

And together we will float
into the mystic

You know, Michelle,

to quote someone
I've learned quite a bit from,

"I think you and I...

are a perfectly natural,
normal thing."

Perfectly natural.

It's too late to start now

It's too late to start now

That's her.
Holy shit, dude.

I told you this wedding
would be worth it.

Oh, my goddess.
My queen. My MI LF.
Oh.

MILF. MILF.
MILF. MILF.

MILF. MILF.

No way, bro!

Hey, you're not finished yet,
are you, Finchy?

No, ma'am.
Just getting started.

This guy is the fucking master.

- Oh, no. Oh, no!
- Make it stop. Make it stop.

Make it stop.

[Finch]
Oh, Stifler's mom.
[Blowing Bubbles]

[Finch]
Oh, Stifler's mom.
[Blowing Bubbles]

This bed is on fire
with passionate love

The neighbors complain
about the noises above

But she only comes
when she's on top

My therapist said
not to see you no more

She said you're like a disease
without any cure

She said I'm so obsessed
that I've become a bore

Oh, no

Ah, you think you're so pretty

Laid

Laid

Laid

Caught your hand inside the till
Slammed your fingers in the door

Fought with kitchen knives
and skewers

Dress me up in women's clothes
Messed around with gender roles

Dye my eyes and call me pretty

Laid

Laid

Laid

Moved out of the house
so you moved next door

I locked you out
You cut a hole in the wall

I found you sleeping next to me
I thought I was alone

You're driving me crazy
When are you coming home

Laid

Laid

Laid

Laid

I'm bouncing off the walls again
Whoa

I'm looking like a fool again
Whoa

Threw away my reputation

One more song
for the radio station

I'm bouncing off the walls again
Whoa

I'm looking like a fool again
Whoa

Waking up on the bathroom floor

Pull myselfback together
just to fall once more

My heart's beating
out of my chest

And this town
is making me sick

And every penny
from my last paycheck

I've blown it on you

I'm bouncing off the walls again
Whoa

I'm looking like a fool again
Whoa

So go ahead and take a picture

And hang it up
so you can tear me down

I don't care
Whoa, whoa

'Cause I'm still here
Whoa, whoa

And I've got nothing
left to lose

With all the years
I've wasted on you

Mom and Daddy's
got the best cocaine

Ritalin's never gonna
feel the same

Twenty-four hours
on an empty brain

I got my finger on the trigger
and you're in my way

I'm bouncing off the walls again
Whoa

I'm looking like a fool again
Whoa

Threw away my reputation

One more song
for the radio station

I'm bouncing off the walls again
Whoa

I'm looking like a fool again
Whoa

I'm bouncing off the walls again
Whoa

I'm looking like a fool again

Subtitles by ARAVIND B
[by_agentsmith@yahoo.com]

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