All language subtitles for A.Funny.Thing.Happened.on.the.Way.to.the.Forum.1966.720p.BR.x264.YIFY-ENG

♪Subs corrected by♪ XQ2☻♥

♪ Something familiar
Something peculiar

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

♪ Something appealing
Something appalling

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

♪ Nothing for kings
Nothing for crowns

♪ Bring on the lovers
liars and clowns

♪ Old situations
New complications

♪ Nothing portentous, or polite

♪ Tragedy tomorrow
Comedy tonight

♪ Something convulsive
Something repulsive

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

♪ Something aesthetic
Something frenetic

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

♪ Nothing of gods
Nothing of fate

♪ Weighty affairs
will just have to wait

Our principal characters live...

on this street,

in a less-fashionable
suburb of Rome,

in these three houses.

First, the house of Erronius,

a befuddled old man,
abroad now,

in search of his children,
stolen in infancy by pirates.

♪ Something erratic
Something dramatic

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

Second, the house of Lycus,

a buyer and seller of the flesh
of beautiful women.

That's for those of you who have
absolutely no interest in pirates.

Something for everyone

♪ A comedy tonight

And, finally, the house of Senex,

who lives here
with his wife and son.

Also in this house dwells Pseudolus,
slave to his son.

Pseudolus is probably my favorite
character in the piece.

A role of enormous variety and nuance.

and played by an actor
of such versatility,

such magnificent range, such...

Let me put it this way:
I play the part.

♪ Something familiar
Something peculiar

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

♪ Something that's gaudy
Something that's bawdy

♪ Something for everybody's taste

♪ Pantaloons and tunics
Courtesans and eunuchs

♪ Funerals and chases
Baritones and basses

♪ - Panderers
- Philanderers

♪ - Cupidity -
Timidity

♪ - Mistakes - Fakes
- Rhymes - Mimes

♪ Tumblers, grumblers, bumblers

♪ No royal curse
No Trojan horse

♪ And there's a happy ending,
of course

♪ Goodness and badness,
Man in his madness

♪ This time it all turns out all right

♪ Tragedy tomorrow

♪ Comedy, comedy, comedy
comedy, comedy

♪ Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

♪ Tonight

Hup-di-hie!

You boy, why are we stopping?
Hurry up.

Oh, my dear and noble neighbors,

my deepest apologies.

Since moving in next door,
I'm afraid I've been remiss

in not calling
to pay my respects.

However, it is our
inaugural week

and you know what that is.

I certainly do not!

Move on!

All right, don't stand.
Move. Move! Hup.

A common flesh peddler in the
house next to ours, disgusting!

Disgraceful! all that
revolting flesh,

just next door!

- Make way for the house of Senex.
- Hail, Senex. Wait!

Wait!

Is this not Pseudolus,
your slave?

- He was parading as a citizen.
- Believe me, mistress,

I was not parading.
I was walking humbly, like a slave.

He invited us to game with him.

In a matter of moments,
he cheated us out of 9 minae.

- Nine? I took seven.
- Return nine.

1, 2,

3, 4... I'm being cheated out
of the money I won fairly.

Pseudolus!

- 7, 8...
-What happened to 5 and 6?

I'm coming to them. 9, 5, 6.

Thank you, citizens,

do not fear,
he will be punished.

- Farewell.
- Farewell.

- Now...
- I know.

I should be whipped. Gently.

However, good mistress, my intentions were
of the noblest. Hearing that today

you were visiting your dear mother
(may the gods bless her)

I wanted to purchase
an appropriate remembrance;

some bath essence, a new spear.

Fifty more lashes for lying!

You were doing what
you are always doing:

seeking money to buy
your freedom.

Freedom?

Oh, Madam, who would
want to be free of you?

Who indeed?

- Hysterium!
- My mistress calls?

Slave in chief,
drag this man home

and beat him without mercy.

- I shall be brutal.
- Good.

Up! We go to buy a breeder slave.

Attend to him, Hysterium,
my slave of slaves.

I live to grovel.

I shall lash him to pulp.
I shall wear out eight whips.

Strong men will blanch.
My arm will...

Now, come along now,
gentlemen.

They're all from Gaul
and all from Egypt.

You, sir!... And you!

Come along now, gents.
Now, they're all fresh as the day.

Only one owner.
Don't waste my time. I'm only here...

No?...

Try Fertilla the populator,

300 pounds of fertile flesh,

has produced
18 healthy little slaves

and is capable of producing
18 more.

- Hm.
- You won't regret it.

Oh!...

It is time we were gone.

Senex!

Hysterium!

Ah, here you are.

And there I am!

A gift for my mother
on the anniversary of her birth.

104 years old, and not a single
organ in working condition.

- Do you think it will please her?
- The craftsmanship is superb.

- And the likeness?
- Frightening. - We go.

Hysterium, here are my
husband's final instructions.

Watch over our son, Hero.

Keep him cheerful, well fed

and far from the opposite sex.

Oh, but, my dear,
he must learn sometime.

And when that time comes, you shall
teach him, what little you know.

Above all, do not let his eyes
stray to that house next door.

I hold you completely responsible.

Rather than let you down,
I would die.

- That is what I had in mind.
- And, furthermore...

- We are on our way.
- We are on our way.

Come, Senex.
And carry my bust with pride.

Yes, dear.

A lesson to remember: never fall
in love during a total eclipse.

Thank you, sir.

Where is Hero?

He's in his room, I think,
studying with his tutor.

"The sun and the moon
revolve around the earth

"as do the four planets.

"Above all, there is
a great blue bowl,

"which is the sky.

There are many stars..."

"is capable of much curious
pleasure among which is

the soft brushing of a flower
on quivering skin."

"Many stars have been named
by the Egyptian astronomers,

"And we have developed our
modern system of astronomy

"from the Greeks." Who, as you
know, were very poor scholars.

"The earth is a flat platform of
ground and meets the blue bowl,...

(Take this message of my love)

(to she, who has captured my heart)

" at the end of the world"

That breeder woman;
has she been thrown a mate yet?

Alas, she refuses just, any slave.

She demands to choose.

Choose?! She'll breed and
like it, like everyone else.

(Well, almost everyone.)

Citizens, we caught your
runaway slave.

Now, he dare challenge
our right to execute him.

Because I'm a family slave!

What's the good of belonging
to a family,

if you're going to be executed
by strangers?

He is quite correct.
We shall torture him.

- You see how they look after their own?
- Hold you tongue!

Thank you, officer.

Now, what can we devise?

Something suitable and lingering.

- Madam, may I suggest...
- You may not.

- Hang the poor wretch and have done.
- Hanging is too good for him.

- Much too good.
- By the feet?

That doesn't hurt much.

Hanging by the feet, upside
down, while being lashed.

- They hate that.
- They should hate that.

My dear lady, if I suggest that we try
to find some other method,

it's only because I happen to be
completely impervious to physical pain.

And I can't stand the thought
of spoiling your pleasure.

AAAHHH!!

I thought you were completely
impervious to pain?

Not my own.

Ah! You like him?

- I like him.
- You have him.

Congratulations, Pseudolus,
your life has been spared.

May it be long, healthy
and productive.

Productive, as a breeder?...

Hang me.

This is your house. Come, come.

Well, visit at any time,
dear neighbor.

No obligation to buy.
Just come in and browse.

- Senex!
- Oh.

Come away from that
house of shame.

I was only just standing
here and saying,...

"shame, shame."

For your own good, Hysterium,
Look after Hero.

Oh!

Shh!

What brings you up here?

- I was trying to get in...
- In there?!

you must never know what
goes on in that house.

- But I do know.
- You do?

Isn't it amazing?

Pseudolus, I'm in love!

Well, that's very...
In love? You?

Who is she?

Sometimes, you can see
her in that window.

A common courtesan
in the house of Lycus?!

Is that disgraceful?

There's no way to make it
sound like an achievement.

I don't care.

I would give anything for her.
Anything.

- You really love that girl?
- A-a-a...

I like the way you said that.

Master Hero, you cannot buy her.

At your age,
you're not allowed to buy her.

But suppose someone with
tremendous cunning and guile

- could arrange for her
to be yours. - Yes?

If that someone
could arrange it,

what would you give me?

I will give you everything I own.

Well, what do you own?
20 minae, a collection of sea shells...

- and me.
- Yes.

Forget about the minae
and the sea shells.

Just give me, me.

- Give you, you?
- My freedom.

Pseudolus,
people do not go around

freeing slaves, every day.

Be the first, start a fashion.

Get me that girl.

And if I do?...

You are free.

I am what?

- Free.
- Free!

If I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times:

do not fan the girls,
when they're wet!

But you never learn.
You'll be a eunuch all your life.

I know that sound.
And I love it!

Yechh, you!

How did you come into money?

An unexpected legacy.

My uncle Simo, the noted
Carthaginian elephant breeder,

came to an untimely end.

He was crushed to death
on the last day of the mating season.

This morning,
I bought my freedom.

Congratulations, citizen.

With this much left over
for one gross indulgence.

Lycus, I am in the market
for a lifetime companion.

I say with all due modesty,
I have an assortment

of beauty here second to none.

- And... Who?
- My former young master.

I thought I'd bring him along
to further his education.

He's bored with picture books.

- You understand?
- Who better than I?

Come in, little boy, won't you?

Eunuchs!
Quickly; a buyer!

Was 1 a good year?

And now, for your assured
approval and possible purchase,

From out of the east,
with the face of an idol,

the arms of a willow tree,
the pelvis of a camel,

Tintinabula.

- Was this the one?
- No.

Don't you have any one in there,
a bit less noisy?

I have.

Vibrata, a desert bloom
of indescribable beauty.

Lithe as a tigress,
wondrous as a flamingo.

For a man whose interest is
the wild life. - Thank you.

No.

Frankly, I was hoping to live
past my wedding night.

- She seems a bit too...
- No matter. I understand.

Consider the gemini,
a matched pair.

Look at them, gentlemen.
Either one, a divinely assembled woman;

together, an infinite number
of mathematical possibilities.

No.

I'm a man of limited means,

and I don't suppose you'd
want to break up a set.

I couldn't. You do understand?

Completely.

Do go on... and on and on.

And on and on and on.

And on. I know what you want.

Behold, Panacea!

Panacea, whose face holds
a thousand promises and a body

that stands behind each promise.

No.

Don't misunderstand me.
It's the proportions.

I love the breadth.
It's the length.

Now she may be the
right length,

but, is she right for me?
You see what I mean?

- Isn't she a bit too short?
- Definitely not.

- Too tall?
- No!

That way, you're
perfect together.

Yes, but how often will we
find ourselves in this position?

No need to compromise.

My final offering, Gymnasia,
the silent woman.

A giant stage upon which
a thousand dramas may be played.

You can actually speak with her?

Whilst a child, I had a nurse
from the Isle of Silent Women.

May I have my foot back, please?
- Oh, you poor child.

- Pseudolus!
- Yes, darling?

Do you want your freedom?

More than ever. I'll take her.

- That's not the one.
- But yours isn't here.

It's not nice to walk out of a
place without buying something.

- I want my girl.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen!

If you must squabble, do it
in a place of less character.

I know your type; shoppers.

On your way out, please,
don't touch the merchandise.

It shows every little mark.
Courtesans, back to your quarters!

I'll be back to lead you
in noonday prayers.

Move! Do you mind? Out!

Please, quickly, out.
Both of you, go!

- Quickly, out, out!
- There she is. - Who? what?

One moment, Marcus Lycus.
Did I not just spy a golden head

with a pair of sky-blue eyes
wafting down yon balcony?

Oh, that one, a recent arrival
from Crete, a virgin.

- A virgin!
- Is that good?

- Only today, she was sold.
- Sold?!

Then receive, o bosom,
thy fatal blade.

Behave yourself.

She was sold?

Yes, to the agents of a
great Roman captain.

He claims her this very day.

- Today?
- She cost 500 minae.

- Then receive, o bosom, thy...
- Put your bosom away!

You say she just arrived
from Crete? - Yes.

I hope the great captain
is kind to her.

She deserves a bit of
affection before...

Tragic, is it not?

W-what? w-w-what's tragic?

- The news from Crete.
- What news?

Why should I darken your day?
Farewell, Lycus.

- What is the news?
- What news?

- The news from Crete!
- You force me to tell you.

Crete is being ravaged
by a great plague.

People are dying
by the thousands.

But this girl is healthy.
She goes smiling through the day.

She doesn't?! I thought you knew,
when they start to smile,

- the end is near.
- No? - Yes!

I'm told it is lovely now in Crete.
Everyone lying there...

smiling.

- Is... is it contagious?
- Did you ever see a plague that wasn't?

Oh, well, what about my other girls?

- You'd best get her out of here.
- Yes!

Yes. But where? how?

I could take care of her until
the captain arrives. - Yes, he could.

Capital. I'll go fetch her.

- Why should you risk?...
- 'Cause I've already had the plague.

I would tell you all about it, but...

Don't. No, I'll go fetch her.
Don't go away.

Pseudolus, I'm to be with her.

Until the captain arrives,
this forenoon.

- Yes.
- Wait! - Yes?

- A brilliant idea.
- Yes!

That's what we need,
a brilliant idea.

Go, go, go!
Get a move on, go!

Don't touch that pillar. Go, go!

Mind your breathing.
Just inhale. Go, go.

Oh, Pseudolus, how kind you are!

And I shall not forget this.

Someday, I shall repay you.

For, you, Pseudolus,
are a true friend.

And you, Lycus, are a gentleman
and a procurer.

To the garden and break the news.
- What news?

That you're gonna run
away to marry her.

- But won't I catch the plague?
- There is no plague.

We made it up so as to
get her out of there.

- Ah, that was clever of us!
- Wasn't it?

I'll hie myself to the
harbor to hire a boat.

Ho, you, to the garden.

You hie, and I'll ho.

Good luck.

- My name is Hero.
- My name is Philia.

I've often seen you.

I've often seen you, too.

I've watched you
undressing at night.

Only from the waist up,
it's a very high window.

- You have beautiful legs.
- What?

Well, you do too.

I imagine, I mean.

I would show them to you,
but they're sold.

I cost 500 minae.

Is that a lot of money? - Yes.

- More than 300?
- Nearly twice as much.

3 and 5, they always mix me up.

I hope the captain doesn't
expect me to do a lot of adding.

You can't add?

We're taught charm and grace
and no more.

I cannot add or spell,
or anything.

I have but one talent.

♪ I'm lovely

♪ All I am is lovely

♪ Lovely is the one thing

♪ I can do

♪ Winsome

♪ What I am is winsome

♪ Radiant as in some

♪ Dream come true

♪ Oh

♪ Isn't it a shame

♪ I can neither sew nor cook

♪ Nor read nor write my name

♪ But I'm happy

♪ Merely being lovely

♪ For it's the one thing,
I can give

♪ To you

Philia, say my name.

- Just say your name?
- Yes.

Very well then.

I've forgotten it.

It's Hero.

Oh, forgive me, Hero.

I've no memory for names.

You don't need one.

You don't need anything.

♪ You're lovely

♪ Absolutely lovely

♪ Who'd believe the loveliness

♪ Of you

♪ Winsome

♪ Sweet and warm and winsome

♪ Radiant as in some

♪ Dream come true

♪ Now, Venus would seem tame

♪ Helen and her thousand ships

♪ Would have to die of shame

♪ And I'm happy

♪ Happy that you're lovely
- Happy that I'm lovely

♪ For there's one thing
loveliness can do

♪ It's a gift for me, to share

♪ With you

Psst, psst...

Master Hero, put that down.

Hysterium, this is Philia.

Never mind who she is.
Who is she?

Where did you find her?

- The house of Lycus.
- A courtesan. No!

- Oh, I am a virgin.
- Of course.

Master Hero, bid farewell
to this person,

So that she can go about her,
uh, business.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pseudolus said...

Pseudolus!
I might have known it.

A passage to Thessaly for two,
at the first tide.

- In one hour.
- Good.

Now, care to play for the boat?

How dare you, arranging
an assignation,

between an innocent boy
and a you-know-what!

There's something about that

you-know-what, that
you do not know what.

- What, do I know not, what?
- That girl is my daughter.

- Your what? - My daughter.
You've heard me speak of her.

- Never.
- Well, I don't like to talk about her.

- That girl is not your daughter.
- My sister?

- I go tell his parents.
- Wait!

The boy insisted on meeting her.

But she's been sold to a captain,
who comes to claim her today.

What can happen in
an hour or two?

At his age, the mind boggles.

I go tell his parents.

I go with you! - You don't wanna be
there when I tell them about you.

No, I want you to be there,
when I tell them about you.

Tell them what about me?
I have nothing to fear.

I am a pillar of virtue.

Might be of interest,
that their pillar of virtue,

their slave in chief, has, secreted
in the confines of his cubicle,

Rome's most extensive collection

- of erotic pottery.
- Ooh!

When did you acquire that large

fruit bowl with the frieze?

- Pseudolus.
- Neither of us is perfect.

Well, if it is only
for an hour or so...

Where's the harm?

Especially with the master and
mistress safely out of the way.

I'm worried about Hero!

Perhaps I should go back
and keep a fatherly eye on...

Senex!

- Stop!
- Whoa!

- I saw that.
- I was stung by a bee.

Oh, my nose!

- We shall have to have it
resharpened. - Here?

I suppose I could

hasten back to the stonecutter
and join you tomorrow mor...

Oh, no, the trip would tire me.
I should be exhausted.

You shall go back,
you selfish toad!

- Now!
- Oh, but, my love,

I don't know how I shall survive

the long, lonely
night without you.

You'll just have to force yourself.

Master, I've just been
to the harbor. We must hurry.

- Are you going somewhere?
- No, but you are, both of you.

Oh, I cannot go.

Why can you not?

As long as the captain has a
contract I must go with him.

I must honor my contract.

An honest virgin.

What a terrible combination!

Excuse me.

We'll give her
a little knock on the head.

No, I will not use force
against her.

Oh, Venus, why did you
bring us together,

only to part us?

Be brave, Hero.

For us, there will
never be happiness.

We must learn to be happy
without it.

When will the captain take me?

In due time, you will be taken,

but not in the garden. Inside.

But how shall I know
when he arrives?

He will knock on the door,
3 times.

Now just go on upstairs
and wait.

My mistress's bedroom,
the green one.

Go, go.
Up, up, up, go, go, go.

Master?... Master,

she will go with you,
I promise.

Go!

Oh, she's gone? Good!

Then master Hero,
I'll go to the market

and get you a nice,
plump, peahen.

We must try to get
your appetite back to food.

- Our passport to freedom.
- What is it?

With consummate skill,
I lifted Hysterium's book of potions.

We'll mix a sleeping potion
in a beaker of wine.

We'll give it to the girl to drink.
She'll fall unconscious.

We'll tell Lycus she
died of the plague.

Then you hie her to the boat.
I hie me to the hills. Free!

- Brilliant!
- No, no, not brilliant, just...

Well, yes, brilliant.

I just remembered
something frightening.

- What?
- I cannot read.

Find the sleeping
potions quickly.

What do we need?
The ingredients quickly, quickly.

- "The eye of an eel."
- That we have.

- "The heart of a snail."
- That we have.

"A cup of mare's sweat."

That we have not.

Mare's sweat...
Where are we gonna find

mare's sweat on a day like this?

Quick! You to the north,
I to the south!

- This is exciting.
- Isn't it? Go!

Follow me!

Ai! Ah! Aah!

That way!

Ah.

Woah!

The green bedroom...
Knock three times.

The captain.

Take me, take me!

- I beg your pardon.
- Take me.

Just a moment.

Now, what did you say?

Take me. My body is yours.

Is this not what you want?

It does cross my mind
from time to time.

- But you must know something.
- Yes?

Though you may have my body,

you shall never have my heart.

Well, you can't have everything.

A thousand thanks,

whichever one of you did this.

Would you believe it?
There was a mare sweating

not two streets from here.

Gets to look more
like his father, every day.

Pseudolus, he's here.

Oh, no.

- Remember where we stopped.
- Sir, you're back!

She almost broke it.

- Who is she?
- Sir, you may well ask.

"Who is she?" you ask,
as well you may.

Delightful creature.

- I shall await your bidding.
- My bid... yes.

- Ever your servant.
- Ever my servant...

That's it. Your servant.
Your new maid.

We needed someone to help.

A new maid.
She seems very loyal.

And very courteous and very
efficient and very thoughtful.

Well, maids like me, I'm neat.

I like maids, they're neat.

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Everybody ought to have
A working girl

♪ Everybody ought to have
A lurking girl

♪ To potter around the house

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Everybody ought to have a menial

♪ Consistently congenial

♪ And quieter than a mouse

♪ Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious

♪ Tidying up the dishes
Neat as a pin, oh, oh

♪ Wouldn't she be delightful
sweeping out, sleeping in

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Someone who when fetching you
Your slipper will

♪ Be winsome
As a whippoorwill

♪ And graceful as a grouse

♪ Fluttering up the stairways
Shuttering up the windows

♪ Cluttering up the bedroom
Buttering up the master

♪ Puttering all around
The house

♪ A maid? - A maid.
♪ A maid? - A maid!

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Everybody ought to have
A serving girl

♪ A loyal and unswerving girl
Who's quieter than a mouse

♪ Oh, oh
Think of her at the dustbin

♪ 'Specially when she's
Just been traipsing about

♪ Oh, oh
Wouldn't she be delightful

♪ Living in? Giving out.

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Someone who you hire
When you're short of help

♪ To offer you the sort of help

♪ You never get from a spouse

♪ Pattering through the attic
Chattering in the cellar

♪ Clattering in the kitchen
Flattering in the bedroom

♪ Puttering all around
The house

Hm, ah...
The virgin, how is she?

♪ A maid. - A maid.
♪ A maid! - A maid?

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Someone who's efficient
And reliable

♪ Obedient and pliable
And quieter than a mouse

♪ Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble

♪ Fiddling with her thimble
Mending a gown

♪ Oh, oh
Wouldn't she be delightful

♪ Cleaning up. Leaning down

♪ Everybody ought to have a maid

♪ Someone who'll be busy
As a bumblebee

♪ And even if you grumble, be...

♪ As graceful as a grouse

♪ Wriggling in the anteroom
Jiggling in the living room

♪ Giggling in the dining room
♪ Wiggling in the other rooms

♪ Fluttering all around
The house

Tell me, the virgin, how is she?
♪ The house

Tell me, the virgin
I want to know how she...

♪ The house
- How is the virgin?

♪ The house

She's very low.
Remember the smile?

It's now nearly a grin.

I pray she lasts. I had a dreadful
experience with a young officer

- to whom I had sold a virgin.
- What happened?

She turned out to be a dud.

A dud virgin?
How could that happen?

You see, the fellow who
sold me the dud virgin,

also sold me a dud eunuch.

I'll keep this one alive
as long as I can.

You're a saint.

Now, I shall personally
instruct the new maid

in the niceties of housework.
Starting in my room.

B-b-but, sir, your son
may be in that very house.

- Oh, dear. - Sir!
- Yes? - This house is empty.

Oh, so it is, sir. Don't you remember
before your friend and neighbor,

Erronius went abroad, in search of his
children, stolen in infancy by pirates,

he asked you to look into
his house from time to time?

Oh, yes, now might be,
as good a time as any.

- Send the girl in here.
- But sir...

Only my deepest devotion to you
allows me to speak so frankly.

You have trudged the road,
quite some way,

and I fear that this great
physical exertion

Whew...

Great heavens.

Is that me?

I smell like an
overheated horse.

- I must bathe.
- At least.

Shall I send the girl to you,
say, in one hour?

At least!

Home at last!

After years of searching
for my long-lost children,

how good it is to see
this street once more!

These tired old eyes,
fill with tears,

at the sight
of the little they see.

Pardon me, young woman.

I'm sorry, but I...
Oh, what a lovely baby!

Just about the age of my children
when they were stolen in infancy

by pirates.

But at least I have
the comforts of my lonely home.

Sir!

- Who are you?
- Hysterium, sir, servant to Senex.

♪ Oh, everybody ought to
have a working girl...

- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.

♪ Oh, oh...

- I didn't hear that either.
- It was an eerie sound.

- Eerie sound?
- Like the house was haunted.

Sir, what I'm about to tell you,
is eerie.

- Your house is haunted.
- Haunted?

Haunted as the day is long.

Perhaps you should stay
with relatives;

distant relatives.

Yes... No!
Fetch me a soothsayer.

- A soothsayer?
- He must search my house at once.

♪ Aaayee-owaa! Gaayee-owah!

Sir, you're in need
of a soothsayer.

How did you know?

I'd be a fine soothsayer,
if I didn't!

Well, there's a spirit
in my house.

SILENCE!
♪ Ayiiiieh!

I'm about to say the sooth.

You... I-I-I see it.
I see everything.

You-you have been

You have been... abroad,

for... twenty years.

You have been... searching for...

A child.

No, no, two 'childs'.

A fine big boy,

and a strange little boy.

No, no, no!
♪ Ehghh, aa-eyaaa...

A girl, a girl!
A boy and a girl!

- Can you find them for me?
- Certainly, I can find them.

Each wear a ring,

that has engraved upon it,
a gaggle of geese.

There are only two more
like this in the world,

and my children wear them.

How many geese, in a gaggle?

- At least seven.
- SEVEN!

Before I say the sooth again,
you must run seven times

- around the seven hills of Rome.
- And the spirit?

It will be gone by the time
you'll have done my bidding.

- Thanks. - TO THE HILLS!
- To the hills.

No, this is the way, sir.

Thank you, young woman.

Sir, sir,
you forgot your gaggle!

You see, everything
is turning out fine.

Everything's turning out fine with the
master thinking the virgin's a maid,

the virgin's thinking she's the master's
mistress, and the mistress not knowing

her son's about
with his tongue hanging out.

Just see to it that the master
stays in the bath, the next hour.

And I'll soon get the girl
out of there. - How soon?

As soon as master Hero
brings more mare's sweat.

- Mare's sweat!
- There's no need to remind me.

I need some more bath towels,
at once.

Be patient, my dear.

I shall not keep you
panting long.

Oils! Oils for lamps!

Rakes! Rakes, for sale

Come on, you rotten slave, move!

Pick those chains up.
Come on.

Ah, thank you, lad.
It is thirsty work.

That's my sweat.

Ah!

- Our, saviour!
- Thank you master!

- Yes?
- Is this the house of Marcus Lycus?

- Yes.
- Then, aside, eunuch!

Inform Lycus,
we would see him at once.

Yes, possibilities. Carry on.

Was that a customer,
dear eunuch?

Oh, welcome, most noble warrior.

Won't you come in?
Perhaps some wine and honey?

Or perhaps another type morsel
is your interest? - No, no, no...

We are emissaries, from he, on whose
behalf a maiden was purchased from you.

Oh, yes, a maiden.
- She'll be claimed within the hour. - Splendid.

By our most illustrious
Captain, Miles Gloriosus.

I know that name.
(And I don't think I like it.)

The mighty Miles bids you know,

that he did purchase a maiden from
scum such as yourself, some years ago.

This so-called maiden,
within a few months,

delivered ample proof she'd
been nothing of the sort.

Accidents will happen.

Ah, but never again
to the great Gloriosus!

Should anything be amiss
with your maiden,

He'll seize your entire stock
and throw them to the troops.

- That's fair.
- Then he'll burn down your house.

- It's reasonable.
- And then he'll...

No, no, just inform the captain
the maiden will be ready.

And very willing,
and very healthy.

Ah.

(With just a slight touch
of plague.)

Excuse me, noble sir, have
you seen a handsome youth

running after a sweating horse?
He was carrying a...

Very generous of you, sir.

Excuse me, madam.
A cool youth and a hot mare,

have you by any chance...

Most kind of you, madam.

Sir, might I ask...

Thank you humbly, sir.

Master Hero Has been here.

Thank you kindly, sir.

I'm sorry, I can't stop now, I...

You've been sold? To whom?

A Syrian shepherd?

He's collecting you
within the hour?

(That means I'll never
see her again.)

Listen...
In a few... in a few...

Listen carefully!

Awww...

In one hour,
the captain arrives.

How can I save my head?

One hour before the
Syrian shepherd arrives.

How can I save Gymnasia?

If I could just find someone to

take my place for an hour,
but who?

If I could, but, take Lycus' place

for one hour, but how?

- Excuse me. Quite all right. Not at all.
- Excuse me. Quite all right. Not at all.

- Pseudolus!
- Lycus!

Hail, Marcus Lycus.
I was just looking for you.

You were looking for me?
But I was looking for you.

- Isn't that amazing?
- Fantastic!

- It's about the girls.
- It's about the girls.

Excuse me, did you say
it's about the girls?

- Yes, did you? - Yes.
- Amazing. - Fantastic.

You see, dear Pseudolus, it occurred to me

this morning when you were in my place...

-that I didn't have enough time...
- to definitely decide...

- about choosing a wife.
- Precisely.

- Ah... - What a marvelous
rapport we're having.

- Amazing. - Fantastic! And so,
I was thinking, dear Pseudolus...

- that I'd spend a little more time...
- alone and undisturbed...

- With the girls.
- With the girls.

Lycus, you're making me cry.

Ah... ah...

One other thing.
You see, my father...

- You have a father?
- Yes!

- Isn't that amazing!
- Fantastic.

Furthermore, he's on his way to
my house right now, and, well...

Well, he thinks,
I'm just a tradesman.

Poor old fellow.
But what if, when he arrives,

we have moved the
girls elsewhere?

Yes, but how to find
a suitable elsewhere?

- Where else?
- The house of the good Senex!

Why not? He's out of
the way for an hour.

Yes, but who will take
care of my place?

The Syrian shepherd comes to buy
the silent woman, and...

I don't suppose, dear Pseudolus,

- I could impose upon you...
- to take your place?

Pretend that I'm you
for an hour?

Lycus, it would be a privilege.

Oh, now you're making me cry.

Oh, one more thing.

The Roman captain who comes
to claim the plaguey virgin,

should he arrive while
I'm gone and mind you,

- I do not, for one moment...
- I'll just hand her over.

Yes, but if she's not alive,
fob him off with another girl.

I'm told he's a most kind,
gentle and considerate man.

- Have no fear.
- I won't, dear Pseudolus.

And may I say,
you will never live to regret this.

Gone to see
a nose grinder, indeed!

He's cavorting
with those courtesans.

But, mother, what can I do?

Do?...
Return to Rome immediately,

before he can do what,
no doubt, he's already done.

- Go!
- Oh!

Ah!

No, no. Right. No.

Come on, now.
Hey, hey!

Hey!

Come on, come on. Argh!

Good morning.

Quickly, on your feet!
The change will do you good.

Quick, quick, out!

- Come, quickly!
- You there!

- Quick, quick.
- You there!

Go, go!

Oh, there's so much of
you there!

Later, later. Go, go!

- Move, move!
- Why do you stand here?

Come on, we have no time.
Come, come, come, come.

You will be out of here
before that shepherd arrives.

Can you leave
at a moment's notice?

No arguing, go away!
Quickly, come, come!

- Oh, Vibrata, really, go!
- Come, come.

First time around!

What was that?

Ho there! I am seeking
the house of Marcus Lycus.

Well, who is it that reeks
the louse of Mycus Leecus?

- Hold, sir! - Who leaks the louse...
- You're not holding, sir!

Who is he, that seeks
the house of Marcus Lycus?

A foot soldier
of Captain Miles Gloriosus.

- Smartly done.
- Thank you.

My captain dispatches
me to inform you

that he is, but,
half a league away

and bids you honor this.

You know what this is,
of course?

Of course I know what this is.

This is... writing.

This is your contract
with the captain.

- And a pretty piece of work.
- Thank you.

What is this word here?

That is "Lycus."

You realize who you are
speaking to? - Yes, sir!

And do you realize
what it says there?

I know what it says there.

Words, and I intend to
stand behind these words,

or my name is not Marcus Lycus.

- Pseudolus! - Or my name is not
Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.

One moment. I must have
a word with my eunuch.

- Oh, please.
- Thank you very much.

Come here, eunuch!

Eunuch?!

How dare you call me that?

You know it isn't true,
I know it isn't true,

so what do we care
what they think?

Why are you
calling yourself Lycus?

You see...

I can't tell you.
Why should I spoil your day?

How can you spoil
a total disaster?

Just listen. The captain
comes to claim the girl now.

- That's terrible!
- Why?

The master also wants her, now.

He can't have her. Just keep him in
that house and don't let him out.

- But Pseudolus. - I'm Lycus.
- But Pseudolus. - I'm Lycus.

- But Pseudolus! - I'm Lycus, and I still
know where you keep that pottery.

But Lycus...

Good-bye, Lycus.
Farewell, Lycus.

Good luck, Lycus. He's Lycus.

Tell your captain
his bride awaits.

Smartly done.

- Hysterium.
- Uh, sire.

You remember that potion
you prepare

which, so, fills one with energy,

one can almost perform miracles?

Oh, yes, sire, we still have some
left from your wedding night.

Bring me a beaker.

Yes, master.

Good afternoon, Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

♪ My bride, my bride
I've come to claim my bride

♪ Come tenderly to crush her
Against my side

♪ Let haste be made
I cannot be delayed

♪ There are lands to conquer
Cities to loot and people to degrade

♪ Look at those arms
Look at that chest look at them

♪ Not to mention the rest
Even I am impressed

♪ My bride, my bride
Come, bring to me my bride

♪ My lust for her
No longer can be denied

♪ Convey the news
I have no time to lose

♪ There are towns to plunder
Temples to burn and women to abuse

♪ Look at that foot
Look at that heel

♪ Mark the magnificent
Muscles of steel

♪ I am my ideal

♪ I, Miles Gloriosus

♪ I, slaughterer of thousands

♪ I, oppressor of the meek

♪ Subduer of the weak

♪ Degrader of the Greek

♪ Destroyer of the Turk

♪ Must hurry back to work

♪ I, Miles Gloriosus
(He, Miles Gloriosus)

♪ (A man among men)

♪ I, paragon of virtues
(He, paragon of virtue)

♪ (With sword and with pen)

♪ I, in war the most admired
In wit the most inspired

♪ In love the most desired
In dress the best displayed

♪ I am a parade

♪ Look at those eyes
Cunning and keen

♪ Look at the size of those
thighs like a mighty machine

♪ Those are the mightiest thighs
I ever have "theen," I mean

♪ My bride, my bride
Inform my lucky bride

♪ The fabled arms of Miles
Are open wide

♪ Make haste, make haste
I have no time to waste

♪ There are shrines I should be sacking
Ribs I should be cracking

♪ Eyes to gouge
And booty to divide

♪ Bring me my

♪ Briiiiiiiiiiiiide
(bring him his bride, aaah...)

Stand aside, everyone!

I take large steps.

Hail, Miles Gloriosus!

- You are? - Marcus Lycus.
I am dazzled by your presence.

Everyone is.
Where is my bride?

It is a sad tale I have to tell,
courageous Captain. Bad news...

Did not my aide inform you,

that should anything be
amiss with this maiden,

your house would be burned,
your women

thrown to my troops and
your life forfeit?

He didn't, did he?... He did.

He did! And I meant it.

There's been some mistake.

Here is the man you want.
Tell him.

- Tell him who I am.
- Well, everybody knows who you are, Lycus.

No, no, tell him who I am!
Tell him.

Rely on me.
He is Marcus Lycus.

Not so, HE is Lycus!

Sire, if you, but look within,

you will find none
but hooded men.

We are a holy order.

An ancient brotherhood of
lepers; unclean, unclean.

- Unclean, unclean.
- Aatchoo!

Well, Lycus,
what of this bad news?

There is no bad news.

I only say that, so as not
to make the gods jealous.

She is ugly. Ugly!

Ugly! Ugly!

Really, she's beautiful.

I did not... I did not
want them envying you.

- What is she like?
- A face so fair,

a heart so pure, sir.

if you had been born a woman,

you would have been she.

As magnificent as that?

She will be ready soon.
Perhaps if we brought some food.

That will not be necessary.

I will await her in your house.

- NO!
- No?

I-I-I meant, yes.
It just came out, no.

- And who are you?
- My chief eunuch, sir.

Just kick him if he offends you.

Surround the house!

While I am within,
let no one else enter.

What was that all about?

Why didn't you give him
the girl?

Isn't it time we two
started trusting each other?

One of us isn't ready yet.

Why didn't you give him
the girl?

She refuses to go with him.

But master Hero's out
getting her a potion.

So you just keep the master
in his bath until...

Arrange food, drink,
entertainment

and a sit-down orgy for 14.

These sands will run out
in exactly one half hour.

If my bride is not
delivered by then,

this house will be
an empty patch of ground.

That rotten Lycus!

That lovely Pseudolus!

Mmm...
What a glorious day, my friend!

Won't you join me in a beaker?

Everyone, a beaker with me!

- Crassus!
- Lycus?

Rascal. I heard you were abroad
in search of pulchritude.

Well, I returned this morn,

with as choice a cargo
as you've ever seen.

- Good man.
- From Crete.

Crete?! Do not touch me.
Do not breathe on me.

The plague, the plague!

There's no plague on Crete.

No plague? No one lying around
smiling themselves to death?

It's the healthiest
isle in the world.

He lied to me. He tricked me!

- You? Tricked?
- Yes, but not for long.

I go to the captain,
save my house

and see that that
swine is killed!

- Which swine?
- The lyingest, cheatingest,

sloppiest slave in all Rome!

Ah, Pseudolus.

Hyah!

Chapter six.

The Sabine Campaign:
in which a boy becomes a man.

Laden with the spoils
of conquest,

I then set forth for Egypt.

Little knowing,
that here waited for me

that black-fringed temptress

who was to play so
great a part in my,...

FOOT! Oh!
Get off, get off, get off!

As you know, at this time,

all Gaul was divided
into eight parts.

Aaahhh! Back, leper!

Bring not your contagion
into the house of Lycus.

House of ?... Pseudolus,
tell them who I am.

I am no leper. I am Lycus!

Ah, the poor creature.

Just jab him back
into his den of ill health.

What?... Oh...

Oh, Pseudolus,
I'll have my revenge.

I'll get in to see
the captain yet. I will tell...

This I swear by
the great Necrophites,

God of procurers,
ooh-ooh, panderers

and go-betweens!

A new god
but a very hard worker.

"I rely on you, Miles,"
said Caesar firmly.

"Hold that, Tiber!"

Yes, that's a good one.
"hold that...

"Hold that, Tiber."

If you see a lad with anything
resembling mare's sweat,

send him up to
the green bedroom immediately.

Not down there!

But, when I heard the revellers,
I thought my captain had come.

He has, but he's not ready yet.
Just wait in there.

Wait, wait, wait!

That's what virgins are
supposed to do best.

My man has come for me.

Good. Where is he?

Wait, my little one.
I must wash my hands.

I shall be back in a nonce,
At most, two nonces.

I shall knock on the door
three times.

- Where'd she go?
- In there.

Knock three times,
and she's yours.

One, two, three...

four.

The hourglass!
You go over there.

Sir, ...

May I suggest, sir,
just one more scrub?

No, that's enough.

One more scrub, and you'll
wash away my enthusiasm.

All right, now. I want every...

Listen, will you?
Now, when I say, push; push hard.

Push terribly hard.
All right: Push!

What do you mean, "no entry"?

I live, eat and sleep here
every day of my life.

Congratulations.
But, today it's officers only.

Master, the passion potion.

You must drink it
while it's hot.

Whoa!

If you are the new gardeners,

don't lean on those things,
get to work.

Well, where is it?

Where is my passion potion?

Where is everyone? Senex!

Pseudolus! Hysterium!

- Madam!
- Where is my husband?

On the best of intuition,
I believe that he is fowling the nest,

And it seems he has brought in
the legions to help.

- Who are all these people?
- Madam, at this very moment,

the hospitality of your house
is being enjoyed

by a great captain,
Miles Gloriosus.

- 'The' Gloriosus?
- The 'the' himself.

He requested a few moments rest
in your charming residence.

As the daughter of a Roman general,
I hoped you would not object.

Object?!...
Pseudolus, you have acted well.

I must greet this captain
at once.

Captain Gloriosus,

I am shattered that I was not
here to greet you personally.

- You are of this house?
- For many, many years.

My father, you know,
Captain, was general Magnus.

On the last anniversary
of his death,

I entertained over 200 officers.

Two hundred? By yourself?

Not entirely.

Hysterium, here, was a great help.

Oh, Hysterium,
thoughtful as ever.

My mouth is dry,
after that dusty drive.

Mad... eough...

Ah!

Mm...

After I've bathed and
changed this dusty robe,

I want you to ask the captain to...

Wait. Where did you say
my husband was?

Ah, er, your husb...
He is, uh... He is, uh...

Well, at the moment,
he is, uh...

He is, uh...

He is..., at least when
I last saw him, he was.

I want to know
if my husband is in the house.

No, but he should be here soon.

Madam, might I suggest
you take your bath now?

I shall send slaves
with a fresh robe.

When he arrives,
keep him busy downstairs.

And tell the captain I shall be
waiting him, in the green room.

After my bath.

- What do we do now?
- I'll deal with the master.

You just see to that hourglass
and keep those sands from running out.

And I'll be grateful to you,
as long as I live.

If I live that long.

Master!

All right, Pseudolus,
where is she?

- Who?
- The new maid.

Oh, the maid.
The new maid. The very new maid.

Knock three times,
and she's yours.

Ah-ah, what about
my passion potion?

Start without it!

Aah!

- House of Lycus?
- Yes, what about it?

Acrobats for the orgy.

- That way.
- Thanks.

- Mm...
- Back to the *

Sorry, wrong maid.

Quickly, quickly!

We must find another
room for you.

Go.

- My filly!
- My stallion!

- My wife! - My husband?!
- My gods!

Hep, ha! Oh! Ahah!

Hup, hey!

Hup, hup! Ha-ha!
Hey!

Hup, hey! Ha-ha!

You're late. The others are
waiting for you in there.

Hey, hey,
entertainers, that way.

No, I must see the captain
personally. Very important.

- Entertainers, that way!
- Captain? Oh, Captain, I have...

Do you know what happened
to the last underling

who interrupted the captain
in mid debauch?

- Entertainers, this way?
- Yes.

Hey, ha! Woop!

You told me...

- W-where is Hero?
- Calm.

- How is the mistress?...
- Calm.

- H-How is the master?
- Calm.

- Why is the virgin?...
- CALM YOURSELF! CALM!

I'll tell you when it's time
to panic!

I smell mischief.

It's time.

Someone has tampered with this!

Bring me my bride!

She'll be ready soon.
They're just anointing her

with unguents to make her
ankle bangle, dangle.

Meanwhile, for your further
entertainment...

Bring on the acrobats!

- Ankle bangle, dangle!
- Oh! ooh!

Watch there!
The four tumbling Tuscans!

Psst! it's Lycus.

Hah!

Come on.

Ooh!

That one is very good.

He really makes it look
as though he landed on his head.

Would you like to see
that man again? - Yes.

That man again for the captain.

Captain, I have news. The m...ohh!

Captain, please!

Captain, the virgin is...
Captain, a word!

Louder music!
The captain wants louder music!

I'm not happy in my work,
Captain.

D'you ever see a jester like this?
The remarks he makes!

- He's the best I've ever seen.
- And his exit!...

Do the flying exit.

Whaaaat?

No. Waaahh!

Didn't I tell you, you'd enjoy this?

I did. Yes.

You are a good fellow. It's really
going to pain me to have to kill you.

- Kill me? - Indeed, Lycus, if she is
not at my feet within two minutes.

- Could you make it five?
- Two.

Two. two minutes.

Philia! Philia, you go
to the captain now, like it or not.

But, I've been ready
and waiting!

But, Pseudolus said
you refused to... Oh, come.

Bring me that girl, or you'll all perish!

You see,
that's not a happy captain.

That voice...
I know that voice.

Of course you do,
that's your captain.

Oh, that's not my captain.

That's the brute who raped
my country, Thrace.

- He raped Thrace? - And then he came
and did it again and then again.

He raped Thrace thrice?

I'm not going with him!

- Will you now go with Hero?
- Oh, yes, yes!

Go back to Hero's room
and wait there.

- He'll burn our house.
- Fear not, I have a simple plan.

I don't wanna hear it.

All we have to do is tell the
captain the virgin has died.

I think I heard that.
He'll never believe it.

We'll need a body.
Anybody's body.

Can you get one from Gusto,
the body snatcher?

He owes me a favor!
But he died yesterday.

Oh, what about his body?

Somebody snatched it.
Let's see...

who do we know that's dead?

I wish, I was.

I'm a disgrace to my family.

My father will turn
in his grave.

- Your father is alive.
- This will kill him.

Oh, come here. Just lie down.

It'll be all over in one moment.

You're delicious.

- What if he tries to kiss me?
- He won't kiss you!

How can he help it,
if I'm so delicious?

Oh, come back here.
Just lie still.

Just lie still.

The captain will take
one look at you,

shudder and go on his way,
heartbroken.

It'll never work.
Look at me. Just look at me.

I can't take my eyes off you.

♪ You're lovely

♪ Absolutely lovely

♪ Who'd believe the loveliness

♪ Of you
- NOOO!

Come back here and lie down!

♪ Perfect

♪ Sweet and warm and winsome

♪ Radiant as in some

♪ Dream come true

♪ Now Venus will seem tame

♪ Helen and her thousand ships

♪ Will have to die of shame

♪ You're so lovely

♪ Frighteningly lovely

♪ That the world
Will never seem the same

♪ I'm lovely

♪ Absolutely lovely

♪ Who'd believe the loveliness of me

I would.

♪ Perfect

♪ Sweet and warm and winsome

♪ Radiant as in some

♪ Dream come true

♪ now

- Shouldn't I have some jewelry?
- Jewelry. Where have I...?

- Erronius' gaggle.
- Ah!

♪ I'm so lovely

♪ Literally lovely

♪ That the world will never seem

♪ the same
(you're so lovely)

♪ That the world will never seem

♪ The same

Now I go get the pallbearers.
Wait here.

I'll never get away with it.

You will. It's easy.

Just lie still and
think dead thoughts.

THE TIME IS UP!

RANSACK THE HOUSE!

Oh, woe! Oh, woe!

Oh, woe!

And oh, woe again!

Oh!

Hah! For the last time,

where is my bride?

For the very last time,
here is your bride.

Here on this appalling pall.

Dead. Dead.

Permanently dead.

Dead. Dead.

Oh, monstrous fate!

My sweet, innocent bride,
dead. - Yes.

Give her air!

- How did she die?
- Well, she just sort of rolled over and...

No, no.
How did it happen?

One glimpse of your grandeur
from above.

The shock was too much.

Poor child.
A virgin till the end.

A lot of good it did you.

Spare me.
I cannot control my tears.

Go ahead,
it's nature's release.

All her bridal bower becomes

a burial bier of
bitter bereavement.

Very good. Can you say,

Titus the tailor
told ten tall tales

to Titania the titmouse?

Do not try to cheer me.

I am inconsolable.

Why torture yourself?
Just go. - Yes.

Yes. Poor girl,
to have died so young

without ever having
experienced me.

You're right. (Bye-bye.)

No!

I cannot leave without giving her the
comfort of a proper funeral service.

Sir, do you have time for that?

Isn't there a war you
should be starting

- Silence!
- SILENCE!

I insist on
conducting a funeral.

Summon mourners.

Mourners, mourners.

Back, back, back!

What does he mean, a funeral?

A funeral: a rapid requiem,
quick dirge. Nothing.

All right, but, any coins
he puts on my eyes, I keep.

- Done.
- I certainly have been.

Gather firewood.
She shall be cremated.

Here!

You're to take that immediately
up to the green bedroom.

- Son!
- Father!

Oh, my passion potion.

No!

Forgive me for ever
mistrusting you, my darling,

but you have been
a little distant

these past 29 years.

I shall compose a funeral dirge.

Oh, do. A nice, short one.

♪ Gather 'round
Handmaidens of sorrow

♪ Sound the flute

♪ Blow the horn

♪ Pluck the lute

♪ Forward mourn

♪ A-aaaa...

♪ All Crete was at her feet

♪ All Thrace was in her thrall

♪ All Sparta loved her sweetness

♪ And Gaul
- And Spain

♪ And Greece
- And Egypt

♪ And Syria
- And Mesopotamia

- What's that?
- It's a funeral.

Oh, somebody's dead, eh?

Oh, yeah. Captain's maiden.

The captain's maiden?

- She's dead?
- Yeah.

Then, I shall kill myself.

It's against Roman law
to take one's own life.

The penalty is death.

I'll fight a gladiator, then.

You might win.

Yes.

I shall throw myself
to the lions.

♪ Speak the spells

♪ Chant the charms

♪ Toll the bells!

Fold the arms!

On behalf of the body,

I'd like to thank you
for a lovely funeral.

I don't know about you,
but, I've suffered enough.

So, I suggest you depart.

And I shall take the body, and...

- Second dirge!
- Second dirge!

Throw himself to the lions!

Oh, then I too must die.

Today is the day
of the human sacrifice

at the temple of Vestal Virgins.

I shall go and offer myself
to the gods.

- Hey, see that?
- Yes, but, look at that.

- What's your hurry, slinky one?
- Oh, really!

Would you lower your pike
to your captain's plaything?

Captain?
I've had no instructions.

The captain sent for me,
especially.

Oh, do let me by, and...

I'll redeem this

in ways that'll melt
every bolt in your armour.

- Is it real?
- Bite it and see.

And that goes for me, too.

♪ Strew the soil

♪ Strum the lyre

♪ Spread the oil

♪ Build the pyre

Pyre?
What kind of pyre?

A pyre of fire.

Oh, a fire pyre.

- She must be burnt.
- Burned?

- I want her ashes.
- Ashes?! Ow!

Captain! Captain!

Captain, I implore you.

It is not for us
to destroy such loveliness.

The gods are awaiting her.

They would be angry
if we sent up a smoked virgin.

I cannot afford to offend
the gods. - Who can?

I will go my melancholy way.

Very good, sir.
Good-bye, sir.

Wait!

- A farewell kiss.
- Of course.

Not you.

You mustn't!
It could make you very sick.

The truth is, Captain,
she died of an illness contracted in Crete.

- What illness?
- (The plague.)

- THE PLAGUE! - THE PLAGUE!
- PLAGUE! - PLAGUE!

Run for your lives!

Help, the plague!

Plague!

- SILENCE!
- Silence! shh!

- There is no plague.
- What?

I have, this day, returned
from Crete

and there is no plague!

Then what was everyone
yelling about?

I seek the...
Find me the captain, don't stand there.

Will you, find me the captain.
I...

Oh, sir, I bring wonderful news!

The virgin does not have
the plague.

Silence, woman, I know that.
She died of other causes.

Died?! How...
She was a ba... How?

Poor little moth.

She fluttered too near my flame.

Too filled with love.

- Dear little heart.
- Heart?

Yes, that's it!
I shall cut out her heart

and carry it with me
forevermore.

- This girl's alive!
- And she's gonna stay that way.

- Treachery! Treason! Seize her!
- I'll get her.

Seize everyone!

Put the whole neighborhood
to the sword!

Sir, a question.

If I found your maiden,
would you spare my li...

A moment, please.

If the maiden is not found,

I shall destroy not only
this house,

but all surrounding houses

and every single person in them!

And now, Madam, your question?

Oh, it's just a silly girlish idea.

I'll find your maiden.

Ah! now, then, my beauty!

Redeem your promise.

Ah, you wildcat.

You're beautiful
when you're angry.

- Ruined, ruined! - All we have
to do is find Hero and Philia.

Oh, look, do you see
what she said?

What is it?
And please don't tell me.

Philia is sacrificing herself
at the Temple of Virgins.

And Hero is throwing
himself to the lions.

- Seize them!
- You should be worrying.

Come on, Gymnasia!
Hie you to the temple for Philia.

Halt!

I'll save Hero
and meet you there!

The same thing happened
29 years ago.

I might just as well
go live in a temple

I'll wager you never got
my nose sharpened either.

I would like to know
what it is you do

that makes you so tired.

I've noticed you're never
tired when...

Hey.

I wish to throw myself
to the lions. Where do I go?

- Pompeii?
- I beg your pardon?

No performance here today.

Gladiators are just
doing training.

- Training?
- Training.

Come on, you miserable
slaves, move!

- Oh!
- Ah!

Here you are, lot four.

- Straight in.
- All right. Come.

Move, you slaves, move.

Move!

Okay, come along.
Keep moving.

Over there!
Get in line. In line.

How are you, all right?
Had a good day?

Easy swing. That's it.

Hero! Master Hero!
Wait here.

Hey, hey! We're closed
to members of the public.

That young man that just
went in, I must see him.

You'll see him.

They should be bringing
him out any minute.

Now, the secret of the action...

Hm?

The secret of the action
is in the wrist.

It's got to flow.
You're jerking.

There. There.

No, no. You see, think of it
as an extension of your arm.

You tightened up
at the last minute, didn't you?

You're worrying about it
too much.

Try and, sort of, just,
do a couple

without thinking about it, eh?

Go ahead.

Ah! that even felt better,
didn't it?

I'm always better in trainin'.
- Yes.

Now, don't worry,
don't worry. Just...

No, no. Relax, relax.

You see, he sort of...
Went very strange.

Right.

No. Wrist jerk again.

Oh, much better, yes!

You've got a natural swing,
you know.

Uh, please. Do you mind?

No, that's a nasty, messy one.

That fellow whistling
put you off.

He's the last one. It's not worth
sending for another dozen.

Come on, let's see if we can put
this one straight into Nero's box.

- Nice slow swing.
- Psst!

- Oh, and, uh, please, please.
- Oh.

Eh, eh!

Do you mind?

Still jerking the wrist.

Hero! Hero!

Philia's alive! She's at
the Temple of Virgins.

Go, go now!
Save her. Go, go!

Hyah!

Give it!

Yah, yah. Hyah.

Hyah!

Waah!

Come! Quickly, hurry!

Oh, Miles!

There they are!

Ha! Hyah! Hyah! Hey!

And now a moment of silence,

before our daughter starts
her final voyage.

Psst! Philia!

- Huh?
- Here. Here.

Hero? My Hero!

Please, no mortal sounds
must interfere.

But, I thought He was dead.

I must go to him, I love him.
- Yes. Now.

So be it. Run along, child.

Oh!

Bring another victim
to the altar.

No. Aah!

Hup. Hyah!

Master Hero, wait!

Hah, hah!

Master Hero, wait!

My freedom! You promised!

Look, there they are.

Master Hero, wait!

Your parents! I promised!

Hero, wait!
The captain! I promised!

Come on!

Ah, the most refreshing
climate in the world!

Look out!

Come back!

Climb up!

Take that!

And that! And that!

Get away!

Oh!

Philia, duck!

Whoa!

Help, help! Help!

Jump. Jump!

Jump, jump. Jump!

Hold me close.
It makes me feel so strong.

Well, personally,
I'm not quite ready to make up yet.

You want her?
You take her!

- Oh, oh! Look out!
- Look out!

Hero, help!

I'm awfully sorry.
Thank you.

Oh, you breed of Eve! Ohh!

Darling, darling, darling.
Oh, hit me again, darling.

Oh, darling.
Darling, darling.

No! No, no!

Wait! stop!

Whoa!

No, no! Don't whoa!

- Eugh...
- Right!

Now back to Rome for
a quick wedding

and some slow executions.

You, slave,

you will be torn apart by a
team of wild horses, slowly,

to the plaudits of my troops
and the amusement of the children.

But you, my dear,
have nothing to fear.

For, though you fled from me,
I have the greatness to forgive.

I, too, can forgive.

No one can part us, now.

Show me the swine
who did that

and I'll break
every bone in his body!

Third time around!

Pardon me, Madam. Eh...

The gaggle! My precious!

My beautiful.

My sweet.

Why do all the men
find me so attractive?

The family ring. My daughter.

- My virgin?
- I am not a virgin!

Those filthy pirates!

And I am not your daughter.

I'm an Etruscan dancer.

- You are my virgin. - My daughter.
- My virgin! - My d...

Ye gods, the eunuch!

My daughter, a eunuch?

Soldier, seize that man!

Captain, Captain, I can explain.

- This can't be.
- What?

- The leper. Unclean!
- Unclean!

No! No! No leper!
And no woman.

I, sire, am Marcus Lycus.

Hold.
Here.... Here is your virgin!

And worth the waiting for.

I don't understand it.
The ring...

- The gaggle of geese.
- What did you say, old man?

I have worn this ring since
I was a foundling child.

- My son!
- Father!

You've grown.

Are these many geese, a gaggle?

How long have you had that?

Since... I don't know when
I've had this, since.

- My daughter!
- My sister!

- My courtesan.
- My maid.

- My brother-in-law.
- My Gymnasia.

Oh, no! That girl I still own.
- One moment.

Dear old man, I take it your daughter
was freeborn? - Without a doubt.

Lycus, we all know the penalty
for selling a freeborn citizen.

Seize him!

Be careful, I'm a bleeder.

However, great captain,
my dear friend,

he has not only given me the
most marvelous wedding present,

a wife, especially a silent one,

he's also promised me
10,000 minae as a dowry.

Ten?!

No.

Such a generosity
should not go unrewarded.

- Very well, spare him.
- Hero!

Father and mother,
I wish to marry.

Son, if you're as happy

as your mother and I have been,

my heart bleeds for you.

♪ Lovers divided

♪ Get coincided

♪ Something for everyone
A comedy tonight

♪ Father and mother

♪ Get one another

♪ Something for everyone
- A tragedy tonight

♪ I get the twins

♪ They get the best

I get a family.

I get a rest.

♪ We get a few girls

♪ I'll get some new girls

♪ I get the thing I want to be

Free.

♪ Free

♪ free
- free

♪ free
- free

♪ Nothing for kings

♪ Nothing for crowns

♪ Something for lovers

♪ Liars and clowns

♪ What is the moral
Must be a moral

♪ Here is the moral,
wrong or right

♪ morals tomorrow
- comedy - comedy

♪ comedy
- comedy - comedy

♪ comedy
- comedy - comedy

♪ Tonight.

♪Subs corrected by♪ XQ2☻♥