All language subtitles for You, Me and the Apocalypse S01E09 1080p WEB-DL DD+ 5.1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[eng]

.

JUDE: A false messiah
is a false messiah.

If the press found out
about this...

This conversation is held
in the strictest confidence.

RHONDA: Why am I even
on a military base?

The President imposed
a state of emergency.

I had a few legal issues
back in the '80s

I was innocent,
but I had to disappear.

JUDE: Jamie, I'm Father Jude.

Your father, Jude.

Mr President, I'm afraid
Operation Saviour has failed.

The comet's still going
to hit Earth, but we can't
let the world know.

PRESIDENT: It gives me great
pleasure to formally announce
the unqualified success

of Operation Saviour.

JAMIE: Yep, it's the actual
apocalypse.

And where am I?
Deep under
the suburbs of suburbia.

Watching it on telly.

NEWSREADER: (ON TV)
One minute now, one minute.

Uh, these pictures coming live
to us from Hubble.

JAMIE: And to think,
just yesterday,
we were so happy.

Planning for a future
that didn't exist.

What fools we were.

NEWSREADER: (ON TV)
Thank you all for watching.

I hope we'll meet again.

JAMIE: What fools!

RADIO HOST: Ah, come on,
enough with the conspiracy
theories, huh?

Just enjoy the party, pal.

The world's saved,
end of story.

CALLER: Yeah, well, if
everything's okay,

why hasn't the state of
emergency been lifted?

Huh? And where are
the Saviour scientists?

If I'd saved the world,
I'd be expecting banquets
at the White House.

And the President...
Could we turn this off?

...why isn't he on the TV
shutting this
speculation down?

(GIRL GASPS)

I forgot my curling irons.

There are some in the bunker.

See, the First Lady's
undergone the menopause, so

from a genetic perspective
it makes sense.

You really don't have
to explain, sir.

I understand perfectly.

Seven billion people
going about their lives,

oblivious to what's in store.

Poor bastards.

CELINE: This report about
Jude is all wrong.

It was not like this.

He was excited.
Full of hope.

He'd just resigned
from the priesthood.

And he was
having a
breakdown, Celine.

No, he was not.

He'd broken his vows.

Was wracked with guilt
over your affair.

The fact is,
he committed suicide.

The coroner found
no evidence of foul play.

The important thing is you
mustn't blame yourself
for his death.

Now, fortunately the church
takes a more tolerant view
of suicide than it used to.

So we can still give him
a proper burial.

No. I want his body back.

Sister Celine...
Just Celine.

I am no longer a sister.

He was no longer a priest.
And I do not wish for him
to be buried here.

Then where will you go?

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

JAMIE: Up yours, comet,
we won.

Dave, thoughts?

Hey. Yo!
Greatest party ever.
In the history of history!

Still got it, Mum.

So now we've
got a future, what do you
want to do?

Um, hang out with my dad!

(JAMIE LAUGHS)

Um, I'm gonna start again.

Do it right this time
I promise.
(CHUCKLES)

And what about you?
What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be
the best husband.

And dad that I can be,
and I'm gonna live
and be more spontaneous!

MAN: Jamie! Phone.

Say again,
I can't hear you!

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

LAYLA: You
all right?

Yeah,
um...

My dad died.

(FRANKIE PRACTISING FLUTE)

PAULA: I'm watching you, lady.

You think you can
just swan back in here
as if nothing's happened?

You lied to my son.

LAYLA: Yeah. So did you!
You never told him
he was adopted!

BOTH: Dave!

I can't help it, all right?
I've got no depth perception.

Like I said, you're welcome
to stay as long as you want.

You're part of the family now.

(DOOR OPENING)

(HORN BLARING)

Rise and shine, McNeil,
you got a date.

What the hell's going on?
I don't know.

I only found out
about this an hour ago.

But you're prepared, right?

Okay, let's move this along.
It's been a long night.

Next up. People v.
Rhonda McNeil.

Your Honour, I'd like to move
for a postponement.

With the comet now diverted,
it's clear that the state
of emergency

will be repealed any day now.

Motion denied.

Your Honour!
Under Article 8

of the Emergency Measures Act,
this case will be heard today,
by me and me alone.

-(FLUTE PLAYING)
-David...

-(PAULA AND DAVE SHOUTING)
-A week in the
honeymoon suite,

at the Cornbrook Hotel,
Windsor.

Thank you.

There's too many people
in this house.

And right now I just want to
be with you and Frankie.

Just the three of us.

So, Windsor?

That's literally
one town away.

It involves crossing a river.
(CHUCKLES)

That's travel, right?

And besides, last time we went
on holiday you disappeared
for seven years.

Yeah. Okay, fair point.

Okay.

Frankie and I will pack
our bags and head to Windsor.

You sure you don't want us
to come to the funeral?

Yeah.

Frankie's too young.

And anyway,
it's not that big a deal.

I hardly knew him.

I'm tired of being sad.

I just want a bit of happy.

General Gaines, I want
to thank you for this.

And for your,
uh, discretion.

I would like to commend you
for the Medal of Honour.

You and your colleague.

Husband, sir.

Pardon?

Scotty is my husband.

Oh.

I see.

Well, I'm sure this must be
difficult for you.

Um,

seeing as tomorrow...

Well, you know.

After you, Mr President.

Sir, I am truly sorry.

(SCREAMING)

You wanna die today
or tomorrow?

.

PROSECUTOR: Taking a US
Marshal hostage.

Taking a child hostage.
Escaping from prison.

And all of this on top
of hacking into the NSA?

Are those really the actions
of a school librarian? No.

Facts.

Deus Ex sprung her from jail.

The leader of Deus Ex
claims her as a member.

There's only one
conclusion to draw.

That McNeil is an active
member of this
terrorist organisation.

And as such the State
urges, Your Honour,

to impose the maximum
possible sentence.

The State rests its case.

JUDGE: Does the defence have
any witnesses to call?

(SCOFFS) Yes.

But we would need time to...
Do you have them here,
or don't you?

Well, no. We didn't know
the hearing was today so...
The defence rests its case.

What? That's it?

You've gotta be kidding me.

This is wrong.
Silence!

I deserve a real trial.
Counsel...

With a jury
and a real judge!
You will control your client!

He doesn't even got a hammer.

He doesn't even have the
little judge hammer thing!
Shut up!

This isn't helping!

Rhonda McNeil, by the
powers vested in me

by the Emergency Measures Act,

I find you guilty
of all charges.

I sentence you
to death by hanging
at midnight tonight.

Oh, hey. Are you here
for Jude?
Wrong funeral.

Go to hell.

(RECORDED CHOIR SINGING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

You all right?

Just got heckled
by a pensioner.

I can't believe she
was married to Jude.

Even the celibates
are getting more
action than me.

Can we talk about Layla?

(SPEAKS SOFTLY)
Mum, we're at a funeral.

It's just I don't want you
to jump back in too soon.

I can't believe that
she's your step-mum.

I haven't got any mums,
you've had, like, what,
12 in the last month?

How's that fair?

(GENESIS SURVIVORS CHATTERING)

SCOTTY: Ladies, please...

I know, let me explain.

I'm not staying here.

Listen, I, I understand
that you are all very upset.

We were drugged and abducted!

We woke up in here
to find out that, hey,

guess what?
You're the future
of the human race.

Here's a fridge
full of sperm,
enjoy yourselves.

So yeah, I think we have
a right to be upset.
WOMAN: Exactly.

Let us go, now.

Okay. If you

want to leave,
then you're free to go.

WOMAN: What?
(ALL MURMURING)

I wish that we
hadn't abducted you.

Okay? If there'd been
any other way without
causing widespread panic,

believe me, we would
have done it.

But there weren't
any good options,

there were just bad ones.

You are here because
we believe in you.

You fill us with hope
that humanity can be better
next time around.

And that hope has sustained us
through some terrible things

that we had to do
to get you here.
Like what?

Shooting the President.

ALL: (WITH SHOCK) What?

I killed my own
Commander in Chief.
Why?

'Cause if he'd been in here
we'd just have ended up

with the same crap
all over again.

He wasn't fit to lead
mankind into a new age.

I hope that you might be.

SCOTTY:
Thank you for listening.

The door will be
sealed behind us.

So if you do want to leave,
now is your last chance.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Good luck.

SUTTON: It was just awful.

I mean, God knows
I was a terrible mother,

but you shouldn't
outlive your children.

Then to top it all off,

that little prick
Ariel was there.

Love you, too, Grandma.

Your security
system's a disgrace.

You should really
get that looked at.

Oh, and that little
prick wasn't me.

I'm guessing you
just met Jamie.

SUTTON: Who the hell is...

Oh!

So Jamie is your twin.

No flies on you, are there?

Yet funny, isn't it?
How long ago
all of that feels.

You needing blood,
me needing the bunker.

Still, now that none
of us are going to die...

You've a nerve coming here.

Haven't I?

See, now that there's a future
I've been thinking
what it holds for me.

What kind of man will I be?

And the answer
I've come up with is...

Rich.

And that's where you come in.

I'd like my inheritance
now, please.

This amount, first day
of every month,
into this account.

After all, it'd be a terrible
shame if the world

was to find out
you're actually alive.

Now that there is a future,
do you really want to spend
it behind bars?

You're blackmailing me.

Oh, how adorably
old-fashioned!

Molby, take care of him.

You really think I came
without an insurance policy?

I'm sure you'll be keen
to avoid my little website
going live.

It's just a bunch
of photos, videos, maps.

You know, stuff lawyers
might call "evidence."

It automatically goes live
unless I enter a code
every 12 hours.

So by all means, kill me,
seal your fate.

(CHUCKLES) You know,
in another life

I would have rather liked you.

You'll get your money.

But if I ever see
your face again,
I will have you killed.

Take your clothes off.

You wear this now.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(PRISONERS SHOUTING)

(DOOR OPENING)

MAN: Watch your fingers,
gentlemen, this one's a biter!

Get yourself a tetanus shot
after that.

(MUFFLED STRAINING)

(MOANING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, hey, hon.
Have you lost weight?

GAINES: What a view.

(SPEAKS SOFTLY)
I mean, that's beautiful.
Isn't it?

How lucky I am to have
had you in my life.

We just shot
the President.
Shouldn't you be

having a
nervous breakdown?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Wow.

All right, let's do it.

You sure about this?

'Cause once
I hit send...

The world falls apart.

I know.

Everybody has
the right to say
goodbye.

Yeah.

Apologies again
for the...

Sloughness
of the wake.

It's fitting.
He would
have liked it.

To Jude.

ALL: To Jude.
NEWSCASTER:
Okay, we're

going to interrupt here,
as we've got
disturbing news

breaking out of America.

This tape was released
just a couple of minutes ago.

My name is
General Gaines.

I was the
commanding officer

responsible for
Operation Saviour.

It's with great regret
that I must now
discharge my final duty,

and inform you

that Operation Saviour
did, in fact, fail.

Contrary to what
you were told,

the comet was not
sufficiently diverted
from its course,

and will strike
the Earth tomorrow

at 3:49 a.m. Eastern.

That's 8:49 a.m.

Greenwich Mean Time.
No!

No!

No!

Although this will come
as little comfort,
I want you to know

that plans are in place
to ensure the survival
of the human race.

No one involved
in this cover-up
has used it

to ensure
their own survival.

The President of
the United States
is dead.

I, too, will perish
with you.

I accept
full responsibility
for my actions.

JAMIE: No,
stay there,

I'll come get you.
GAINES: Lying to you
was wrong.

Layla?
GAINES: It was done
for the right reasons

and I stand by
my decisions.
Bollocks!

LAYLA: Jamie?
Like you,
I am afraid.

Jamie?
And like you,

I intend to spend
what time I have...
It's okay.

...with the people I love.
It's okay.
Daddy's coming.

I hope you
can find some solace
in these, our final hours.

I wish you
good luck.

Larsson?
May the road rise
to meet you.

Bring in
the other kids.

You, prep the bunker.

Do what you can
with what we have.

.

NEWSCASTER: Scenes of disorder
and destruction

are amassing from...

PAULA: Here we go.

Right. Now, we can
all sit here

feeling sorry
for ourselves,

or we can party
like it's 1999.

And I mean the ones
that Prince promised me.

Not the one
I actually got,
that was crap. (LAUGHS)

So, I vote
for Prince.

Who's with me?
Yeah, go on then.

Good boy.

Here, get this
down your neck, Jamie.

We're going out
in style.

I can't.
I've got to get
Layla and Frankie.

I'll be back in time,
though, I promise.

And we'll be
together at the end.

The whole family.

I love you, Mum.

I love you too, son.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(CAR LOCK BEEPS)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

What you doing?
Get out the way!

Hello, Jamie.

You were
at the funeral.

Of course.

I wanted to pay
my last respects
to my son.

Your son?
Yes.

You mean
you're my...
Yes, Jamie.

I am your
grandmother.

It's lovely
to meet you.

Okay.

Great. Can you
move your car, please?

Oh, come now,
Jamie.

Surely you can
spare me
a minute or two.

Actually, no. Sorry.

Any other day, yes,
but today's all about
my wife and daughter

so can you please...
I...

Can save their lives.

That's really
sweet of you.

But you
can't save them.

See, there's
a big rock coming,

and there's nothing
any of us can do about it.

I know.

Now, be
a good boy

and stop
patronising me.

Here.

Hold on,

you've got a bunker?

Only nutters
have bunkers.

And it's
in Slough?

Just come
to the bunker.

Look, no offence,
but I don't know you,

and now, suddenly
you're asking me

to come and live
in a hole?

The definitive word
in that sentence is "live."

(WHISPERS)
What d'ya say?

David,
this bucket list
is pathetic.

Seriously,

you haven't done
any of those?

What have you
been doing
with your life?

I dunno.
Angry Birds?

Lies. All lies.

Yeah. Funny, that.

We met this man,

he's not Jesus!

He's drives
a taxi cab
in Bilbao.

He claims
he heals people,
but it's not true.

We filed the report.

They know he's a fraud.

How could they do this?

NEWSCASTER:
...distrust of authority...

CELINE: Jude
warned me about them.

PAULA: Look.
Celine, darling.

Let it go, eh?

I mean, what does it matter?

We're all
gonna be dead anyway.

Go on,
get that down ya.

I'm sorry, God.

I'm so sorry.

No need
to apologise, dear.

It's going
to be all right.

Mint?

Who are you?

I am God.

And you are
very drunk.

Forgive me.

Oh, good grief.

The grovelling.
Always the grovelling.

Can't we just
be pleased
to see each other?

Jude sends his love,
by the way.

So he's in heaven?

Thank God.

And between
you and me,

it's nice to have
some totty
round the place.

(CHUCKLES)

I am so sorry.

I broke my vows.
I let you down.

The only thing
I'm sad about

is you leaving.

But I never left you.

I need you, Celine.

You're part of my plan.

Always were,

and always will be.

MAN: (KNOCKING)
Oi, let me in.

.

RHONDA:
This is my last meal?

I thought we were supposed
to get something we like.

My God, how can you
even be hungry?

I ain't hungry.

You're looking at
pure willpower right here.

They're gonna kill me,
I'm gonna make it

as disgusting for them
as I possibly can.

I plan to poop myself
the likes of which

you ain't never seen
before.

What's for dessert,
ass-face?

Screw you.

You wish.

I don't even understand
why you're here.

I mean, I know

you escaped
and everything. But...

Hardly seems
worth the death penalty.

I guess they
must have got me

on aidin' and abettin'
a terrorist, hon.

Oh, God, you're here
'cause of me?

Leanne,
I am so sorry.

Well, come on.
It ain't your fault.

It's my

back-stabbing,
bitch-ass husband
put me in here.

What happened?

Well... (SIGHS)

I guess you could say
things kinda went downhill
after I helped you escape.

Todd Sr
was pissed at me, oh!

(CHUCKLES)

We was fightin'
all the time.

The sex
went downhill.

We was barely doin' it

two, three times
a night there
towards the end.

Worst part
about it was...

He turned my kids
against me,

poisoned their minds
against me somehow.

Then the sheriff
came to the door.

And I...

I found out
there'd been a reward
out on me.

$10,000.

Twenty years
of marriage,

sold out for the price
of a boob job.

I don't know
what to say.

Rhonda, listen to me.

I know you're scared.

And I know you feel like
you ain't never gonna see

your husband
and your son again. But...

But that ain't true.

You are
gonna see 'em again.

In heaven.

You ain't gonna be
alone like me.

You're not
gonna be alone.
Of course I am.

I ain't got nobody.

I always used to think

white was right.

But it's white
that betrayed me.

Mmm.

I guess the joke's
on me, ain't it?

(CHUCKLES)

You know,
it don't feel too good

to realise that

you been wrong

about every single thing.

Or maybe
it weren't the

blacks, and the queers,
and the Jews

I shoulda
had a problem with.

Maybe it was just men.

SCOTTY:
Okay, General.

Hang up those guns
and lock the door.

My private is
standing to attention

and awaiting
your order...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, Uncle Scotty.

Hello, Scotty.
My name is Larsson

and I work
for your mother.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay, um...

My mother's dead.

So...

Whoever you are,
could you please just...

Kenneth?

That's my Kenneth.

How did you get this?
Like I said,
I work for your mother.

I don't have time
to explain now.

But she is alive,
and she wants
to save your life.

(STUTTERS) No, that's
impossible,
my mother is dead.

Okay? My sister and I,

we were orphans
at five years old.

You know what?
Who cares?

I'm not here
for my people skills.

Now, I'm sure
you've lots of stuff

to work out
with your mother.
But for the moment,

let's stick to
the facts.

Armageddon is tomorrow.

Your mother has a bunker.
She wants to save your life.

So let's go.
Well, actually, no.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but I don't wanna live.

But your nephew does.

Hey, that's great.

That is great.

So, you go have fun.

But you can count me
out of it.

And what about Mom?

You know, she's in jail
'cause you, uh,

put her there.

Don't you think
you owe her?

(LOUDLY) Don't you think
you owe me?

Man, what do you want me
to do about it?

She's being held
on a military base,

which is where
you come in.

SPIKE: Please.

You guys
are our only hope.

RAJESH:
Come on, man.

(CHUCKLING)

Fine.

Fine. We'll help you
get Rhonda.

And we'll
help you survive.

We're not
saving ourselves.

Right?

Right.

JAMIE: Y'know,
I appreciate this

but I really don't need
to be baby sat.

Yeah, well,
better safe than sorry.

MOLBY:
It's chaos, Jamie.

You wanna get your family
to the bunker, don't you?

And it'll be safe
in the bunker, right?

Be a hell of a lot safer
than not being in there.

It's just...
(HORN BLARING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Whoo!

.

You like?

I call this look...

Corporate gimp.

What are you doing?

Ending Doofus,
doofus.

I could have
just shot you
in the car, but

it didn't feel right.

Whereas this...

Entombed in
your own bank vault?

A tedious
suburban end

to a tedious
suburban life.

What have I
ever done to you?

You know
what it was like
to grow up being told

how much better
you were?

Mum used to call you
her special boy.

Said she gave you up
'cause you deserved better.

So I cyber-stalked you

to find out
what all the fuss
was about.

Only you
weren't special...

You were average.

And I kept you
that way.

You know,
the only thing sadder

than being
a bank manager
in Slough

is playing a game

where your avatar
is a Slough bank manager.

And then
having to watch

as your wife
falls in love with him.

Don't!

So, you
met Grandma, then?

She's a dear,
isn't she?

Sadly, I burnt
my bridges there.

But luckily...

You didn't.

So, all I need do
to survive
is pretend to be you.

Now, I've realised...

Doofus

wasn't a game.

It was a rehearsal.

I've watched you

for so long.

I know how you talk.

How you move.

I know how you think.

So I'm gonna go now,

find Frankie, Layla...

And enjoy my night

in the honeymoon suite.

(VOICE QUIVERING)
Leave them alone.

Please?

Okay.

If you're gonna be him,

you're gonna
have to face this.

And germs
cannot get you.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Okay.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Okay.

PAULA: Jamie?
Why are you
stroking the bank?

See, I knew
it was more
than a job for him.

It's a fetish.

DAVID: Sex money.
(BOTH LAUGH)

What you even
doing here?
Where's Layla?

I just...

Wanted to say goodbye.

That is so you.

Captain anal
strikes again.

I am what I am.

So, why
are you here?

Well, erm...

We've been bucket-listing
and we've got some news
for you, Jamie.

After having several
small sherries...

David here,

has asked me to be
his good lady wife.

And I...

Have said yes.

We're getting married!

No, Mum, you're not.

I forbid it.

Our family's
already weird enough

without that
as my step-dad.

See, I told you
he'd be like this.
Hmm.

Like what? Sane?

You don't
even like him!

Every morning
on the way to school,
same lecture.

"Why do you
hang out with Dave?
He's a loser,

"he drags you down."
And now, suddenly,
he's marriage material?

Oh, for God's sake,
stop being so...

(STUTTERS)
Jamie-ish.
Mmm.

I mean,

it's the end
of the world!

What does it matter?
What does it matter?
She's my mum!

All right, just...

Just come here.

Come on. Hey.

Don't fight it,
come on.

Come on, come here.
Now listen.

I promise

to be
the best father

I can be for you.

Uh, Paula,
come on.

Come on,
let's have ourselves

a Jamie sandwich.

Darling, come on.

PAULA:
Oh, please, Jamie?

You know I always
wanted to get married.

And it'd mean
the world to me

if you'd walk me
down the aisle.

Plus it'll take our minds
off all this dying stuff.

Huh?
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)

Okay, Mum.
I'll do it.

Yes! I knew you'd
come round.

I love you, Jamie.

.

(WHISPERING) How the hell
are we gonna do this?

We just
walk straight in.

Now, shut up
and try to look butch.

Open the damn gate.

Sir? Can I help you?
The hell is everybody?

Sir, they, uh,
they left, sir.
They left?

That's a disgrace.

Why are you smiling?
Sir, I'm not smiling, sir.

Are you calling me
a liar?

I say you're smiling.

I say you're proud
of the cowardice
of your regiment!

Guardhouse, now!

Sir, this is
the guardhouse, sir.

Well, open
the door then!

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh. Uh, sir, sir?

Uh, you're
not allowed to, uh...
Do not tell me

where I can
and cannot go, son.

Now, open that cell.
I've got orders
from the President.

Sir, I can't.
I have orders.

(SHOUTING)
From me!

Don't make me
go Mount Vesuvius
on you, son. Or

is that
what you want?

(SHOUTS) You want me
to erupt

and spray
my hot moulten lava
upon you?

Ask yourself, is that
what you really want?

To be my Pompeii?

I don't exactly know
what that is, sir.

But, I don't think so.

Then open the door.

Okay.

GAINES: McNeil.

Today is
your lucky day.

We have to get Leanne.
Shut up and keep moving.

I can't just leave her.
GAINES: Damn it.

Hey, uh,
open her cell.

I don't take orders
from you.

What the hell is this?
Well, you heard her.

Open the other cell.

I said, open the door.

You heard the man.

Be a good boy now.

Sir, I'm gonna need
to see those orders.
Open it.

Sir,

I cannot comply
unless you show me
those orders.

Why, you little...
Show me the orders!

Don't do this, Private.

(SCOTTY GRUNTING IN PAIN)
Ah!

BAINES: Scotty, look at me.
RHONDA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Look at me. Hey.

SOLDIER: (OVER PA)
All guards to section 9.

RHONDA: Scotty,
I'm so sorry.

SOLDIER: (OVER PA)
All guards to section 9.
BAINES: Gotta go.

Let's go, let's go!

RHONDA: Hold on,
Scotty, hold on.

SOLDIER:
I see her! Freeze!

SOLDIER:
We've got
a man down.

Soon, Jude. Soon.

I am ready.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

LAYLA: Jamie.

FRANKIE: Daddy!

Where were you?
We were worried sick.
I know.

We don't have to worry
about anything, any more.

See, there's this bunker.

We're gonna
go there.

And we are
gonna survive.

The three of us,
together.

A family...

Our family.

ARIEL: We'll never
be apart again.

(GRUNTING)

I love you, Jamie.

I love you, too.