All language subtitles for Le coup d papluie

This is Grégoire Lecomte
and variety artist.

Well, no, I'm not here,
I'm shooting

with Roger Moore, the new James Bond.
You won't have much luck either.

to have me in the evenings, since I'm rehearsing at the
T.E.M., the experimental theater in Maubeuge,

a play by Shakespeare:
Hamlet. Hamlet, that's me!

To be or not to be
free? That is the question...

for an in-demand actor like me.
Thank you for your time.

In any case, if you wanted to make me an
a proposal,

you can always try your luck,

trying to reach my impresario:
Frédéric Jacquelin 25612-12 in Paris,

or his Hollywood office, 25612-12.
And yes, Hollywood...

since, apart from me, he also looks after
Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman and others.

and Marlon Brando... Anyway,
leave me a message, you're on your own.

Hello, this is Laîné Plumbing. Please say,
we've been waiting 6 months...

to be paid, then the invoice,
if not paid

within 48 hours, we'll have a bailiff on your ass.
bailiff on your ass, understand?

Hello Monique? This is Arlette, can you hear me?
- I read you loud and clear.

He's just left the Hôtel SAINT-SULPICE.
- How long was he there?

18 min, 23 sec. He's heading for the Seine.
- Okay, we'll take it from here. Over and out.

Finished.

Passport photos, please?
- Back there.

Hello, Rolande? Monique here. The Alfa Romeo
has just passed Saint-Michel.

Direction Concorde. Over and out.

Hello, this is Rolande. I'm on Rue Royale,
can you hear me, girls?

He heads for the Madeleine.

Oh, come on!

Really, Grégoire! Vraiment...
- What's the matter?

But look at you, you're all dressed up!
- Bedraggled?

Why, don't I look like a killer?
- I knew it, come on!

I've been looking for you all night to tell you
to dress differently.

Where have you been hanging out?
- Did you phone Josyane?

Do you think I'm stupid?
- Fine! I said I was with you.

Listen Grégoire, your private life..,
I don't give a fuck...

Too bad, because 10% of my private life
is more fun than 10% of my fees.

By the way, in the cheese advert
I was formidable in my hood!

Yes! Afterwards, they...

refused for the Samaritaine.
- You're out of the loop, Frédo!

A killer today is no longer Palance,
it's not Bogart, it's not Brynner.

He's a guy who doesn't look like one. Al Pacino:
creepy eyes, supple gait.

If I grow a moustache.

Hey!
- Come on, dammit! Come on!

They have to see you before the other one.
- What other one?

I told you, there are 2 of you on the role.
- You told me: it's in the bag.

Only when the contract's signed!
- Frédo, look! That's the one.

He's the other actor.

Palance, Bogart, Brynner...

Come on.

...the man murdered this morning
the man murdered this morning...

in dramatic circumstances
at the Printemps department store.

Demonstrating
diabolical imagination,

the murderer acted
during rush hour.

Devilish imagination.
Speed of execution.

Total lack of pity.
Believe me, gentlemen, this is the man

you need to get rid of Krampe.
- Has he ever worked for you?

No, but Tokio airport,
1 year ago, it was Moskowitz.

Is his name Moskowitz?
- His name was Moskowitz that day.

Do you know him personally?

Nobody knows him. He's had
several times.

Which floor, Frédo?
- 10.

And you Mr?
- 10.

10.
- Just like us.

Oh, my God, what a catastrophe!
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Here, let me help you.

Where is it?
- In the back, that door! I'll wait downstairs!

Here you are, sir.
- Here, this way.

There's a toilet over there.
I'll give you a hand!

What a shame, such a beautiful overcoat,
it was cashmere, wasn't it?

I've come for the contract.
- Il signor Barberini is expecting you.

Entrada.

Accomadate.

Y arrivatto!

Send him in for a second, eh.
Aspetto. Poi le faï entrare.

Enter.

Have a seat.

It's a one-way mirror. From here, you
hear and see everything.

It's a black spot.

I'm so sorry! Scusi.

What joy! What a thrill...

to finally meet you.

Have a seat.

I've been hoping to work with you
I've been looking forward to working with you.

Whisky!

Lorenzo. He's my godson.

First and foremost: the script.
- A bastard!

You mean me?
- No, him.

Otto Krampe, known as "the Whale".

Not bad. He's got looks.
- Keep them, keep them!

Arms trafficking, private plane,

yacht, billions.
Shenanigans, betrayals...

I like it. And I...
- Ah, you catch on fast!

It's what I do. Why is that?

Perché que?
- Why do I have to...

Africa!

"La Baleine" sold at a high price...

rotten weapons to a Third World
Third World nation.

And the bamboulas want him dead?
- That's right, the bamboulas...

Scusi!

I like it. When do we start?

Tomorrow.

In Saint-Tropez.
- Beautiful setting.

Enchanting! A party full of perfumes,
of lights and beautiful girls

who grovel before Krampe and his money.
It's his birthday,

but he's afraid.
- That it might be his last.

Krampe fears only one thing: death!
So much so that he's hired killers

who are also doctors.
- Usually, it's quite the opposite.

Then there's Radj Khan.
The Whale's damned soul.

An Untouchable!

Cruel, sadistic! His favorite weapon:
the dagger. Laced to his forearm.

How did you guess?

Violence, suspense... revenge!
Revenge always pays off.

You're telling me?

I'm glad that
our first contract...

There'll be more, I hope?
- Now that we know each other...

It also depends on the conditions.
I'm in great demand, you know!

I know, I know. 10 million de centimes.

5 now,

and 5 after. How are things?

That's fair. But it's a friendly price.

Here's your plane ticket.

Your apartment booked
at the BYBLOS hotel.

Whose name?
- Grégoire Lecomte.

Your "accessories" will be ready
tomorrow morning.

Chez Bossoni.
125 rue Vieille-du-Temple.

Welcome to the Famiglia.

Arrivederci, Signor Lécomte.

Mé qué Lécomte.

Arrivederci et grazie mille.

And here's a kiss for you too!

Like your Godfather.

Well then, hurry up, old chap!
We've been waiting half an hour for you!

Don't move for a second.
Grégoire Lecomte.

What's it like?

Fabulous!
Go get Marthe and Jean-François.

But no, old chap, you mustn't.
You don't have to.

You've got it! You've got the contract!
What a face!

You are extraordinary. In my life,
I've never seen such an ugly mug.

Where did you come from? How come
that I don't know you?

Please take a seat. So first, the scenario:

a Japanese diplomat
on an unofficial mission in Paris

falls in love with a
German stripper.

Come on in! Just look at that! Is this the
ugliest face you've ever seen?

How do you like it?
- I must say, it's got a nasty mouth!

Well, the German stripper
is in love with a Palestinian terrorist.

The Japanese wants to get rid of it.

He's looking for a hit man. And that's where
you come in, my little friend!

That's it! I'm out of the hole!
I'm emerging! I'm exploding!

I'll show them! He'll see
what a comedian is!

A real one!
He gave me his hand to kiss.

Look! If I had asked for more,
he would have given me more!

Give me my brick.
- What about your brick?

10% of 50 thousand is not a brick!

I've got to sober this fat bastard up. In the
script, it's called "The Whale".

Funny, isn't it?

Oh, the bitch! Shame on you!

I put in 3 francs half an hour ago!
- Sorry! 35 minutes.

120 francs for 35 minutes?

Even whores don't do that to themselves!

Is that an insult?
- That's right, it's an insult!

Forget it, come on!
- It's a personal vendetta!

Driver's license, registration.
- Fuck you.

What were you doing yesterday between 5:03 and
6:22 p.m. in front of 34 rue La Fayette?

And Monday between 12 and 1 p.m., 18 rue...
- Are you spying on me, Josyane?

Did your eggplant network tip you off?
- And at the midnight WINDSOR hotel

at 7 o'clock this morning?
- Ah well, I'd just left Frédo.

He's been ill,
so I stayed up with him all night.

Finally, Josyane! I've got a fabulous contract!
I'm taking you to Saint-Tropez.

What's the matter with you?
- What's wrong with me?

He has a...
- Yes, if... if...

He's ashamed to say it because of his wife!
- No, I'm not ashamed!

Yes, you are!
Besides, I've had enough!

I've had it too!
- You're a periwinkle.

Finally, some dignity!
- Go away, get lost!

You won't tell me twice.
- You get off at 10:16.

If you're not back by 11:01...
- Crap!

Ragoutoutou, my doggie's stew,
I'm crazy about it, voouh voouh voouh!

Ragoutoutou! What the hell is this
3rd-rate mutt in this mess?

And I'm not talking about the dog
is excellent! Would you like to tell me?

I'll tell you, Mr. Director...
- Can we send this "ad" back to TV?

They just lent it to us
for half an hour.

Return.

You saw that look.
Her wool cap!

Who's the other one?
- His manager. He has an impresario!

And the money? Mafia, are you sure?
- I'm not sure of anything, Sylvette.

We didn't have time to lace up the microphones.
We've been on this case for 2 years.

6 months we've housed everyone:
blacks, whites, mafiosos,

the diplomats! Everyone except
the killer charged with executing the Whale.

Is he married?
- Yes, to a florist. It's all there.

But he lives with a certain
Josyane Leblanc. A contract worker.

Theater, ads, pills...

Maybe it's all a cover.
- What if he really is the killer?

I intervene?
- Yes, but too late. The D.S.T.,

who was following the case very closely,
was already on site,

but was unable, much to his regret,
prevent the removal of Otto Krampe,

the well-known arms dealer.
The man, naturally,

was immediately arrested and imprisoned.
Et cetera.

Are you following me, Sylvette?
- I'm following you, Mr. Director.

Be operational tonight at 10:30 p.m.
Théâtre "Le Splendide", rue des Lombards.

I'm telling you, he's not a quitter!

Besides, I'll tell him:
you're a wimp!

Don't you dare tell him
he's a wimp!

I wouldn't dare? Say it again:

don't you dare tell her!

If you had dared to tell him,
you would have told him already!

What the hell is Grégoire doing?

You'll see, today..,
I'm going to tell him!

You know what? You're a wimp!

You'll have to pass me starting tomorrow,
I'm off to the Côte...

You could have warned me earlier.
- But I didn't know, man!

Grégoire? Grégoire!

Do we know each other?
- No, but we will.

Can I have your autograph?
- Yes, please.

I don't have any paper.
- Well, neither do I.

Sign here,
I'll peel off the label. Pen.

I always have a bottle.
Dieting. I have to eliminate.

You're wrong. What's your name?
- Bunny. My real name's Sylvette,

but I don't like it.

Pathetic level, it's great
what you're doing!

About slapping...
- It's to do friends a favor.

But this is my last day. I'm leaving
tomorrow to shoot a film in Saint-Tropez.

Which genre?
- Butch Cassidy. "The Sting.

Look... the Redford, Newman style.
- I've seen you at the movies

in a really funny ad
with a groundhog hood.

The cottage cheese thing! I shot
it last year, in Norway.

Norway!
- Saint-Tropez, Norway!

It's the good life, isn't it?
- And what do you do?

I work at the drugstore
in Saint-Germain. Perfume department.

But I'm a laundress by training,
I have my C.A.P.

Laundry lady! I've never jumped...
I don't know any laundry joys!

My mother runs an old-fashioned store,
handmade, you know?

With christening gowns and everything...
- Say...

Are you free? How about a drink?
- Yeah, sure.

What I like in a man..,
is imagination.

I was saying to Claudine the other day,
she's my girlfriend: imagination,

young people suck. Not one of them
to make you laugh,

take you on a trip to the Galapagos,
to give you the feeling

that you're a photo-novel hero!
Not one capable

to rip off your jeans
like it was an evening gown!

Oh, look!

Poor Josyane.

What a bastard, this guy! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hello, Arlette? Hi, Arlette!

Rue des Lombards? How long ago?

Thank you for calling me.
Hello, Arlette!

Was she brunette or blonde?
Yes, you're right, it doesn't matter.

Okay, bye.

Hou! mais ar... ar. Arrête!

What the hell are you doing?
- Tearing off your evening gown!

Not here!

You don't get it: you need a palm tree,

the moon, 2 glasses of champagne.
Music a little...

I've got that!

How's my bow tie?
- Just a sec.

We haven't met yet.
Tell me about it,

how did we meet?

Far away. South America.
- Where there are lots of bad guys,

after you
who want to kill you.

You're really cute, Bunny.
You're making a scene.

Then, one evening...
- I just foiled

one of their awful traps.
When I see you.

On the terrace of a Rio palace.
In a periwinkle dress.

Oh no, not periwinkle!
- Why not?

A look between us.
- Electric.

I take your hand, and I tear you away from the
billionaire you were with.

Yes, I do!
- And I kiss you.

Madly!

10:42 p.m. I've got to go home!
- Why? Is "she" jealous?

No, it's more complicated than that.
Let me explain.

Don't bother.
- Yes, you do! Here you go, Josyane...

Is she your wife?
- No, I'm divorced...

finally separated. Josyane is...

It's a tragedy.
- Why is that?

Josyane is a helpless creature.

She's blind.

Scumbag! Loser!

She can't do anything without me! I have
dress her, undress her...

What does she do all day?
- Waiting for me in front of the TV!

The radio, I mean! Embroidering doilies
doilies for other blind people.

Never a gesture of impatience,
not a minute of rebellion.

She accepts her fate.
Thanking the heavens for this

that he has been kind enough to grant her.
- And what heaven grants him,

it's you!
- I, who made a vow

to come home every night at 11:01,
put her to bed in her little pale-pink bed.

No, I'll see you tomorrow!
- At 7 o'clock, the dog comes to replace me.

You didn't steal it, you bastard!

I'm firing him! This time, it's over!

Pack your bags, we're leaving!

My safari jacket!
Are you crazy?

My manuscripts! My headphones!

At last, Josyane, I've come to fetch you.
We're off to Saint-Tropez!

You're asking me for a ride
because you know I can't come!

That's the way it is! You ask me to
marry me, but you refuse to divorce!

I can't get a divorce! You can't divorce
from a blind woman!

Blind and a florist! You think I'm stupid?
do you think I go to the movies?

It's shameful, accusing me of lying,

on something so...
How awful,

abomination!

And my records, eh?

Here they are, your records!

Oh, sorry, sir, she was aiming for me!
She's just jealous.

She's a pain! If you only knew...

My skis! You're wrong, Josyane,
you're wrong!

This is not the time. I'm telling you
it's not the time!

Mr Bozzoni, please.
- Just a moment.

Salvatore!
- Si? Coming! Arrivo!

Grégoire Lecomte.

Ah! I was expecting you.

Just a moment.
Giovanna, have you finished with M.?

Ah, Mr. Mareus! Arrivederci!
Don't worry,

your tuxedo will be ready tomorrow. Giovanna?
Darling, you're going to have coffee,

it'll do you good, it'll warm you up.

Are you leaving this morning?
- Air France, 1:05pm.

Do you have these accessories?

Voilà! Careful, now!

Pronto! Posso parlare al signor Lécomte?

It's for you. Signor Barberini.

Yes, it's me. Yes, speaking.
- Do you have the Bulgarian umbrella?

Because he's Bulgarian?
- How do you like it?

Well, it's not bad.
It's just an anonymous umbrella.

Isn't it? It could be mistaken
with any other umbrella.

That's right, you could mistake it for any
any umbrella.

By the way, what happened to the costumes?
- Costumes?

I don't like working in my clothes.
We pick up a lot of crap.

Hemoglobin, blood.
- Give me an expense account.

Ok. Well then, I'll leave you to it.
miss my plane, ciao.

"Ragoûtoutou, le ragoût dé mon toutou
I'm crazy about it". Ma ché, toutou?

That's the one! Ma che testa di Cazzo!

Santa Madonna!

Wind it up, Mr. Krampe! It's ready!

Are you ready to talk?
- No, I'm not!

Hello?
- Give me Mr. Krampe.

Hold on, please.

Telephone for you, Sahib. Mr. Bozzoni.
- Ja.

Krampe, ja?

Which flight?
- Air France, 1:05pm.

What does he look like?
- A madman, a dangerous madman!

That's not what I'm asking,
you moron! His description!

Blond, curly-haired, blue-eyed.
He travels under the name of Lécomte.

Does he have the Bulgarian umbrella?
- I just gave it to him.

What's up, Bozzoni?
- No name, per favor! No name!

if anyone could hear us...
- Double play, double money,

double risk, Mr. Bozzoni!

1:05pm, flight 406, Air France.
- I call La Folle.

He won't make it to Nice, Mr. Krampe.

Doctor? I don't think we need
need Mr. Bommako anymore.

I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?

To get you some mimosa.
- It's stupid to come back to Nice

with mimosa.

I'm on my way.

Say, haven't you lost a bit of weight?
- Oh... stop it, Grégoire!

You're so fucked up.
- I'm so happy...

not to live with you anymore. Well then?
Mimosa, as usual? How about this?

How are you? You look great.

I'm in a lot of trouble, though.
- What's the matter? Are you in trouble?

Didier, my boyfriend, wants to get married. He's
my body, you don't know!

Ben, tell her you can't get a divorce.
I'm your best protection.

Yes, but he knows we don't have children.
- There are lots of other reasons.

Which ones?
- What does your Didier do?

He's in a breakdown company.
- Tell him I'm blind.

Bah! You're crazy, aren't you?
- This way, you keep your guy and your freedom.

I had a repair job nearby.
I took the opportunity to come and kiss you.

Juliette...

Ah! Oh!

I'm so sorry.

Hold this for me.

Nice face. Friendly, virile...

Anti-Semitic nose, but a nice one all the same.

Cheeks a little soft, flabby.
Oh, what big eyebrows he has!

Now that's jealousy. Watch out!
Mouth like a hen's arse.

I don't like it, I don't agree!

Thank you for your time.
- Who is it?

My husband.
- Is he blind?

Yes.
- But you never told me!

No. But that's why
I can't get a divorce.

Then what?

What's wrong with you? Assassins!

Here.
- Thank you for this.

Hello, Josyane? Yes, Françoise speaking.
She's heading for Porte de Champeret.

"Is she still with him?
- Yes. Huguette takes over. That's all!

Are we in first class?
- Of course we are!

Do you think there will be caviar?

Seats B and C, on your right.

Behind this gentleman and lady.
Your cigarette, please.

The plane to Nice, please?
- Satellite No. 4.

Flight to Nice 405.
- He has just left, Mr...

E partito? Sto stronzo et partito.
- Una catastrophe!

What time's the next flight?

Oh, champagne's good!
Plus, it's a diuretic!

Don't you have any caviar?
- No, only on long-haul flights.

Aren't we on the plane to Rio?
- No, you're on flight 405...

to Nice.

But that's terrible!
I'm taking Mademoiselle to South America!

I've been sweet-talking her for months...
- It's all he thinks about!

I've been telling him about Copacabana for months!
And we end up in Nice!

But I'm going to look like an idiot!
She'll think I'm funny.

It's true, destination-wise,
I'm really disappointed!

Bunny?
- Yes?

I think I'm...
I'm very much in love with you.

No, you don't! You want to fuck me.
That's why you brought me along.

That's what it was all about in the first place.
- And the finish?

On arrival, things change. We fly
to Nice, then land in Rio.

Unfortunately, it's the other way around.
- Because today, there's the film!

Is this contract that important to you?
- A role like this...

I've been hoping for it all my life!
- You know, Bunny...

I'm showing off, I'm driving a hard bargain.

I've been through so much.

Now that's going to change. You're going to become
a big star, Grégoire!

You really think so?
- I'm sure I do.

I know it. I can feel it!
You're gonna burst, explode, show 'em

what a real comedian is!
- Bunny. I love you so much.

Bunny, why don't we get married?
- But you're already married!

And you don't divorce a blind woman.

Maybe we could take him to Lourdes.
The 3 of us would pray,

and then on the way back,
we'd both get married.

What are you fidgeting with?
- You're right, the champagne...

I'll be right back.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
we are in danger of crossing

an area of turbulence,
please return to your seats.

Excuse me, I... Mademoiselle.
Oh, sorry, uh... I mean...

Please return to your seats.

We're about to start our descent
to Nice. To the left of the aircraft...

the port and town of Saint-Tropez.
- Come and see for yourself!

Look, the boats there.
- Oh, it's pretty!

This is the port.

At first glance, it looks like
a heart attack.

Stanilas Lefort, aka Constantin Patakis,
aka Pierre Juvet,

known as "La Folle". Criminal record,
registered for vice, registered for narcotics.

This guy dies of a heart attack?
- Boss, look.

La Folle is dead. He killed her.

Das ist doch Scheiße, Mensch!
Leck mich doch am Arsch! Los, haut ab!

Don't get upset, Mr. Krampe.
You'll raise your blood pressure!

Do you have your kit with you?
- Of course I do.

Don't let it get to BYBLOS!
- Why not cancel your party?

Because I'm not cowardly enough,
and too much of a snob, you idiot!

Grégoire!

Frédo!

Frédo! Well, well, well,
what are you doing here?

We've just arrived, and Mireille and I thought
Mireille: why don't we pick up Grégoire?

We'll drop him off in Saint-Trop.
- Hi, kids.

This is Mireille and this is Bunny.
Like Bugs. And Lucien, Amélie,

Olivier and Véronique.
- Aurélien.

Aurélien, Julie, Arthur and Monique.
- Ah yes, I...

And then the last one: Grégoire, her godson.
Doesn't he look just like his mom?

Right, baby? Gogo...

Come on, let's go.

Weren't there too many people on the road?

With 5 kids, who never pee at the same time
at the same time, how can you keep an average?

Say...

A tranny screamed on the plane.
Can you believe it?

I'm just looking for some mineral water.
- Well, I'll get the car.

Daddy! Daddy! We're going with you!

Grégoire?
- Eh?

Who's that slut?
- Cute, isn't she?

Is he cute?
- Don't start that again!

This resemblance is my punishment.
He's the only one who doesn't realize!

It's so obvious! Sometimes I think
it's you I'm carrying on my back.

One day I'll tell Frédo everything!
- No, don't! Don't crack!

One unfortunate time! Nothing proves it.
- Everything proves it!

His nose, his mouth, his facial expressions,
her whims, her lies...

He doesn't speak yet.
- You too, you lie without speaking!

How much is it?
- 6 francs, please.

Thank you.

Hey, wait for me!

All aboard!
- Out of the way, kids.

Go Frédo, go!
Oh, my Grégoire, he's so cute!

Oh dear, I'm going to go crazy!
You, do something!

All right, quiet! Let's listen to his dad!

Hey, asshole!

Leave that umbrella alone, it's not a weapon!
- He sits on the yellow line!

It can kill anyone! Bravo!
And Josyane, how did you manage?

I'm so sorry.
- Yes, why didn't Josyane come?

Why, why?
You really don't see why?

No, I don't see that.
- Well, that's just it,

Josyane doesn't see anything either.
I mean, you know her! You know, Josyane...

She's completely out of it.
- She's blind!

Ah, to be blind,
poor thing, she's blind.

That's exactly what I was telling Bunny.

Stop it, you'll end up
someone's eye out!

Give it back!
- I can't see shit!

Imbecile!
- Close that umbrella!

What's the matter?
- The boat chickened out!

Hold on tight, kids!

For God's sake, stop the car!
- But brake!

But I'm braking!

Daddy, wee-wee!
- Leave us alone, this is not the time!

That's all.
- No damage? No damage?

Is everyone in one piece?

Good. Careful, now!

What's up?
- No, nothing.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

We really fought hard
to be invited to the party tonight

given by Otto Krampe at the Hotel BYBLOS
in Saint-Tropez.

Just as we fought 20 years ago
to be invited

at the Esteguie ball in Venice.
Our cameras were already there.

Same unbridled luxury,

same flow of champagne and caviar.

And dare I say it, the same guests
from all over the world,

photographed by a press
for sensationalism.

Filmed by all the televisions
who rushed to cover...

the social event of the season.
The one his friends have nicknamed...

"the Whale", seems to be celebrating
at the same time as his birthday

an exceptional destiny.

I'm very happy
because they respected my instructions.

The theme of Gatsby, the Magnificent.
- Why Gatsby?

I really like Scott Fitzgerald.
And the last Nabab may be me.

They say this party costs you
over 100 million centimes!

I never count the pennies.

Oh, boy, that's rich,
in terms of extras!

Au revoir, Frédo. Thank you, Frédo.

This way, Mademoiselle.

I'll see you tomorrow. I just wanted to say
to say: I trust you, you know?

Why are you telling me this?
- Nothing, because I like you.

Then I'm sure you'll be
great in this movie. Come on.

I'm off, I've got my own little world
waiting for me in Pamplona.

What are you doing there? Are you coming?

A car accident? Where? When?

Hello, Monsieur.
- Grégoire Lecomte.

A suite has been reserved for me.

There must be a script with my name on it.
- Mr. Lecomte...

I can't see.
- But look for it, old man.

Grégoire, come and see! We're turning down!
- Turning around?

Oh! Look over there, fatso!
It's the Whale! That's my partner!

Yes, he's Mr. Krampe's doctor.

Ah voilà... Monsieur Lecomte!

Please fill in your form!

Yes. I will tell my master.

Oh my! He's got a mouth on him!

But it's Radj Khan!

Is that you, Radj Khan?

Come with me, I introduce my girl friend
to you. Viens, viens!

Her name is Bunny. Bunny as in Bugs.
Bugs Bunny.

Good morning, Mr Khan.

In the film, he's the bodyguard
bodyguard.

You are the killer number 1 of ze gros
trafiquant hein, l explain to her.

He's an untouchable.
- He's a what?

Shhh! In his country, it's an insult.
I know a lot about you.

Bunny look, good look, uh, look...
Shall we show her?

Shall we show him? Hop, hop!

Ah! Ah! You little sneak, you.
What do you think of that? There you go!

I'll show you. Take a look!

Wait and see!
He's the William Tell of Bengal!

Go ahead, show them!

Get started! Make a demonstration,
I'm not afraid.

Roll it!
- It's running.

One... The other one!

Two... three...

go!

There you go!

Bravo! But it's not just me,
I'm not the only one. Bravo, bravo, bravo!

Bravo, my man, formidable!
Hats off! Turban!

You scared me!
- Oh, guys, oh, don't go!

Hey, are you the director?
- Yeah, I am.

You work camera in hand.
Lelouch style. Bravo, bravo! Lecomte.

Ah, ah well: scenario, service sheet,
work plan? I'm here.

Then I'd better find out.
- Who the hell are you?

But I'm the hitman,
the one who has to kill the Whale!

So, how do you see it?
- How who?

Who? But my character!
How do I play him? Neurotic?

Casual inside?

Outside?
- Mr. Lecomte, please.

Don't move, I'll just be a second!
Good boy! Happy, happy!

Who's this moron?

Is Mademoiselle with you?

Well, why?
- Because Madame has already arrived.

What do you mean by that? Which lady?
- A young brunette.

She arrived 1 hour ago and
asked for your room. She has room 203.

Jesus Christ! It's Josyane.

Don't you have another room?
- Sorry, we're fully booked.

So, shall we go up?
- No, down!

Buy yourself evening gowns, beach dresses
anything that takes time.

I mean, take all the time you need.
- Thanks for your time. What color do you like?

Is that you? Did you come? Are you there?

Where is she?
- Who is she?

The bitch from Rue des Lombards!
The one from Place Pereire!

Don't come down! I'm going up.

Place Pereire, place Pereire...
Rue des Lombards...

A bitch, ah!

Frédo's got a mistress?
- He doesn't have one, he has 12!

Dozens of them! Frédo's obsessed!
So, the little one in question...

I'm glad you brought it up.
that you mentioned it, it's the one

that he seduced and abandoned.
And then seduced again, and then abandoned again!

This morning at Place Pereire before
leaving for vacation with his family.

Do you know how many dogs are abandoned
on the streets before the vacations?

But you were at Place Pereire!
- Yes, I was! He asked me to...

Take it back to the pound?
- Yes. No. What are you talking about?

I had to explain to him that he couldn't
with her to the Galapagos.

And that bastard had promised to take her
with her to the Galapagos!

Because he took the Concorde
to negotiate in the morning

Woody Allen's contract in New York.

And did the dummy believe you?
- No, she didn't.

Frédo, father of 5, sex maniac?
- Exactly! That's why he's got 5 kids!

Hello? Yes.

It's me, it's Bunny.
- The job.

I found some stuff!
Only, I'm hesitating between 2 colors...

evening dress level, pink or beige?
- Jacket 46, pants 44, size 24,

waist 67, head 18.
- What are you talking about? Are you nuts?

Who's she?
- The dresser for the costumes.

Josyane, my love, run me a bath
run me a bath because I'm dying.

Yes, yes. I'll be down for the fittings.
- No need, I'll be up.

Shit! Holy shit!

Hello? Who's calling?
- I'm not home.

Mr. Krampe.
- Yes, I'm here!

This is the Whale, my partner,
my author. Hello?

Hello, Mr. Lecomte?
- Speaking.

Mr. Lecomte, is your telephone cord
long enough...

so you can go out on your terrace?
- Wait, I shoot.

I'm talking about the telephone wire, of course
not the...

Das ist doch Scheiße!
Leck mich doch am Arsch!

Hou hou! I see you!

Can you see me?
- Ungewöhnlich!

Nicht, nicht deutsch sprechen,
Otto, nicht sprechen.

l do not speak German.
- I have a proposition for you!

Just a second!

Never mind, I'll get it. Otto, I'm in
shit! I'll put on my make-up and come down!

I'm off.

It's the lady who...
- Quiet!

Evening gowns, robes,
beach dresses...

And these... little packages.
- Are these for me? Grégoire!

When I heard you were here,
I thought there was a store downstairs...

Only in terms of size.
not quite right, I warn you.

Oh darling, oh listen... I love you!

You don't know...
- But it's nothing.

Oh, I love it, oh!

What's this? Oh! A rose!

Oh, this one's great, great!
- There was a periwinkle blue one,

I liked it, but then I thought
you blue, always blue...

Did you think of that? I've been unfair!
I'm ruining your life!

But I'm so jealous!
- There's nothing to be jealous of.

Hou hou!

Have you tried this?
It's going to overflow!

Your bath will overflow!

My basket!
- Your basket? Your...

What did you say?

His basket, ah basket! To accompany.

You're coming with me! Come on!
Oh, you're beautiful, too beautiful!

You're gorgeous, we have to see you! Let's go, let's go!
I'm proud, I'm proud!

You gave me a fright!
- Follow me.

Mr. Krampe is expecting you at the bar.
- Allez, allez!

Phew! Let's go. Make-up,
where does it happen? Make up.

Barbouille, you understand?

Grégoire, is that you, my precious?

Ragoutoutou, my doggie's ragout,
I'm crazy about it! Ouah! ouah!

Are you there, my little one?

Okay, I'll wait for you downstairs.

This way, please.
- What a beauty, this guy.

What's his name?
- His name is Radj.

And his teeth! Even better than Omar Sharif!
How do you say lobster in English?

Lobster.
- You are the new Lobster Sharif.

Forget it, humor, belt!
- Humor, but humor...

Don't get carried away, he's an untouchable.

He looks mad with rage!

Excuse me, Madam.

I missed a step.

Is the bar that way?

Go to his room
and bring me the umbrella.

Listen, old chap. Be nice, we've got
we're not here for fun.

I know, I know, I know. Do you like the suit?
I took it blue...

like the eyes.
- Grégoire! Well then!

Coming!
- Wait! Wait! Wait!

She's not my girlfriend.

Grégoire!
- Oh, shit.

Coming!

I'm outta here! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Concierge?
- Madame...

I'm looking for Monsieur Lecomte.
He didn't come back up to the room?

Oh no, Madame. Here's the key.

Grégoire Lecomte, room 203.
The key, please.

But hurry up, man!

Give it back, give it back!
I need it back!

But you're crazy!

Come on, man, be reasonable!

You'll get more contracts.

Now, that's enough! You're bothering me!

Oh yes, that hurts!

Drop it!

Mister Krampe!
- Ja?

Wait, I'm coming!

Otto, make us the Whale!

Otto, The Whale! Otto, The Whale!

Grégoire, are you there?

Are you in bed?

He's asleep now!

Is that you? lt's you?

You are come, but you are crazy.
You mustn't! I don't want.

But you're so handsome!

As soon as I saw your burning gaze,
I knew I was going to crack.

Are you moved?

Leave your Josyane to it.

Well, relax, you're all tense.
My Indian, my Hindu!

Don't be so cold!

But that's my umbrella! Oh, Otto!

Otto! You're a good skateboarder, aren't you?

Otto.
- Otto is dead.

What does it say? Did you film
his death? But then, I'm the killer!

I was supposed to... So me,
no one tells me anything, it's unbelievable!

I'm in the soup!
You can't be serious!

Well, here we go again. Let's go! All in
joy! Come on everyone, hop!

It's a party, you'll see!
Come on, Otto, let's go again.

But he's really dead.

But I...

She's the one who fired!
- I eliminate!

Give me that! Hello, Sylvette?
Sylvette, can you hear me?

Allô, Sylvette!
- Hello, Sylvette! Did I get it?

You hit the nail on the head. He has his account.
And Krampe?

He should never have gone swimming.
- Case closed, we pack up.

We're going back to Paris.
- I'm staying.

A long time?
- Perhaps.

Come on!

But Grégoire!

With the cops, you get out first,
and talk later! Let's go!

Did you kill a man or not?

He was going to shoot. It was him or you.
- Listen, Bunny! We're going to South America!

I'll hide you on the farm
of a former Nazi!

No cop will ever find you!
- But I am a cop, Grégoire!

Look at me,
I'm an inspector with the D.S.T.

Are you a cop?

With your little voice?
And your hair all...

Are you a woman cop?
- I'm a woman, Grégoire.

In fact, it's the only thing
you've ever been wrong about.

So Krampe wasn't an actor?

And Barberini, isn't he a producer?
And the Hindu with his knife?

Ah. No, but no, but no! But this...

Now that's an umbrella!
isn't it?

Hypodermic syringe
filled with an instant, lethal poison.

A syringe, a Hindu, Saint-Tropez,
an all-blue meter maid,

a female cop who thinks she's Marilyn,
corpses, lots of corpses...

It may not be a movie,
but it's a damn fine story!

Grégoire Lecomte, this triumph,
were you expecting it?

My wife was expecting it.
- Please let Mr. Lecomte through!

Grégoire Lecomte, you wrote, directed and acted
and acted in the film yourself!

How did you find the money?
- Thanks to me, its daring producer!

I've always been a risk-taker.
- Yes, I have.

A few months ago, I told Don Barberi...
to Don Barberi... to Mr. Barberini.

He signed a contract with me straight away.
- It's a proposal

that I couldn't refuse. Come on, let's go.

Holy cow!

Go, go up, go!

Go, go, start! Move it!