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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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- All right.
- Just rest.
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00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:07,877
Just smoke, just chill.
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00:00:07,877 --> 00:00:09,357
- This is the last one.
- Last one.
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,142
Oh.
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Oh, my God, Lenny!
Oh, my God.
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00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:16,233
How long we been
working on this set?
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00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:18,148
- Two years.
- Fuck.
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00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:18,540
- Don't fuck it up.
- All right.
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00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:20,455
- All right.
- Yep, yep.
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00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:22,326
He just RuPaul'd it.
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00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:23,762
"And don't fuck it up."
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00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:29,986
Please welcome...
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00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,858
Leslie Jones!
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00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:50,789
What's up?!
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00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,621
Let's go!
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00:00:58,275 --> 00:01:02,540
Let's fucking go.
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00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,938
Yo. Yo.
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00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:10,548
You know what's so crazy?
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00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:13,508
I'm famous.
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00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,598
Why would they give fame to me?
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00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:19,644
Why? Why?
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00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:22,821
I still go to 7-Eleven
in my pajamas.
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00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:25,998
You not gonna stop me.
Fuck you, TMZ.
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00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,175
You know?
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00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:30,002
But now I got
different type of friends.
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00:01:30,002 --> 00:01:32,440
You know,
I got rid of my...
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00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,181
not all of my homegirls,
you know,
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I need the ride sometimes,
you know, so...
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00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,228
but I got new type of friends.
I got a lot of
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00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:39,838
white girlfriends,
a lot of white girls.
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00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:41,492
White girls fucking love me.
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00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:45,801
"Leslie Jones!"
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00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:49,021
So I got this one homegirl,
she came over the other--
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00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,806
a couple of weeks ago.
She was like,
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00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:52,677
"Yo, I want to go
see a medium."
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00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:55,941
I was like,
see, that's why...
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00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:58,292
I don't really fuck
with y'all.
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Cause y'all always trying
to talk to dead people and shit.
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00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:03,471
Like, what's your fascination
with dead motherfuckers, right?
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00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,212
Like, I don't want
to talk to no dead people.
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00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:08,911
Especially the dead people
from my fucking life?
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00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:11,174
I don't want to talk to them.
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I don't need my grandmama
stepping up, going,
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00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:14,786
"Why you masturbate so much?"
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00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:21,445
"Your grandmama here, bitch,
there's ancestors here.
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00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:24,100
Your great grandmama is
seeing this, Annette."
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00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:29,714
I don't want to talk
to no-fucking-body from my life.
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And my homegirl's like, no,
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00:02:31,325 --> 00:02:34,066
but, you know,
my aunt died, you know,
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00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:36,243
and I want to, you know,
make a connection with her.
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00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:37,809
You know what? I could
tell you what your aunt said.
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00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:41,683
"Ooh, it's hot down here.
Ooh, ooh...
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ice water, ice water.
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00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:46,514
The devil keep fucking me."
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'Cause your aunt was a whore.
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00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:53,695
I don't talk
to no dead people.
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If I had to talk
to dead people,
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00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,613
I wanna talk to dead people
I pick, how about that?
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00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:01,616
Like Whitney Houston,
you know, come back and sing
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00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:04,009
"Saving All My Love
For You," bitch.
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00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:05,533
You know what I'm saying?
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00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,317
I want to talk
to Martin Luther King
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00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:09,885
or Malcolm X
so they can look at me and go,
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"Leslie, we should have
sold liquor.
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We would still be here, Leslie,
we'd still be here."
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00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,546
And then Martin Luther King
look at me and go,
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00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:21,549
"And, Leslie, why do you
masturbate so much?"
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I'd be like,
'cause I had a dream, Martin.
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Talk to no fucking
dead people.
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She was like, "Damn, bitch,"
she was like,
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"at the end of the session,
she draws your soulmate."
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And I'm like--
like, lead with that.
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You know, I'm looking for a man,
lead with that shit.
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I was like, how much is this
little trick going to cost me?
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And she was like, "29.99."
And I was like, that tracks.
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I might find
the love of my life
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for 29.99.
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That tracks.
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So I was like,
"You know this a scam,
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but fuck it, let's go."
We pull up to the house
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00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:01,589
and I was like, look at this,
this don't even look like
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00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:05,114
- a witch's house.
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00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,376
Where the fuck is
the gingerbread?
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00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:08,726
Where's the gingerbread?
Where...
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00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:11,903
Where's Red Riding Hood?
Fuck this shit.
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00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,557
We went to the door,
she answered the door.
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00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:15,298
This bitch had a blowout
and some Pilates pants.
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00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:17,126
I was like,
bitch, where's your mole?
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00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:19,346
Bitch, you ain't no witch.
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00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,608
Where's the fucking
crystal ball, bitch?
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00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:22,740
Where is it at?
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00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:27,136
We went inside and sat down,
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00:04:27,136 --> 00:04:29,225
and she went to the back
and came out
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00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:31,532
with her little cart.
She had this little cart
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00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:33,969
with crystals on it,
and she was like...
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00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,885
I looked at that cart
and them crystals.
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I was like, bitch,
I've been to Wal-Mart.
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00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:43,457
Fucking aisle eight, bitch.
That is not real amethysts.
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00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,896
But she knew
she had my friends,
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So she grabbed one of
the crystals and she was like,
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00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,508
"I have to invite
the spirits.
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00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:55,295
I have to invite
the spirits in."
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00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:06,175
"Spirits, spirits."
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00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:07,959
And I was like,
bitch, you doing Zumba.
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00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:10,875
Stop it.
Fucking Zumba.
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I know Zumba. But she knew
she had my homegirl.
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00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:14,052
And she went up to my homegirl,
and she was like,
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00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:19,971
"The spirits..."
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00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:22,539
"The spirits," I was like,
is she fucking them spirits?
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00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:29,590
She looked at my friend,
she was like, "The spirits...
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00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:33,724
"The spirits want
to talk to... you..."
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"The spirits..."
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00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:40,731
"wanna talk to... you..."
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00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:44,344
Then she looked at my friend
and she said,
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00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,258
"The spirit says...
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00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:49,261
take more vitamins."
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What?!
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00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,835
That's all the spirits
got to say to this bitch?
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00:05:57,835 --> 00:06:00,838
I just met this bitch,
and I know she foul.
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00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:04,451
That's all that the spirits
got to say to this bitch?
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00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:07,149
This bitch got seven kids
and eight baby's daddies.
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00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:10,065
We ain't even figured out
the motherfucking math.
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00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:15,026
She had COVID and monkeypox
a year before the shit came out.
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00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:16,985
Like, what the fuck is
the spirits talking about?
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00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:19,770
Vitamins.
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00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:21,337
Vaccine or some birth control.
Get your ass over here
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00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:23,774
and draw
my motherfucking soulmate.
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00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,297
'Cause I still believed in her.
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00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,825
So she starts drawing it,
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00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,217
and she looks at me
and she goes,
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00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,915
"For $10 extra..."
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00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,659
"...I can do it in color."
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00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:41,879
I said, yeah, bitch.
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00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:49,496
Hope you not drawing
some white bitch
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00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:52,237
for my fucking soulmate.
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00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:57,329
So she handed me the picture,
and I was like, now...
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00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:58,983
I know a Property Brother
when I see one.
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00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:04,119
Bitch, you was just
watching HGTV.
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00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:05,729
Put this motherfucker up here,
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00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:08,036
'cause I know
y'all think I'm lying.
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00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:11,343
[laughter and applause
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00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:17,698
Does he look
like he can fuck me?
145
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:21,310
Does he look like
he can take my caresses?
146
00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:23,094
Yo, look at
these dick-sucking lips.
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00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:25,053
Look at these.
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00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:26,663
These lips suck dick
right here.
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00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,360
This is dick-sucking lips.
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00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,843
And what the fuck
am I supposed to do
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00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,192
with this fucking printing?
Walk up to people and be like...
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00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:44,725
Take that shit off.
See, y'all thought I was lying.
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00:07:44,986 --> 00:07:51,079
She came up to me
and she was like, "39.99."
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00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,995
And I was like,
I'm gonna go talk to my spirits.
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00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:02,264
That's what I'm saying.
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00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:18,323
My spirits say
you ain't getting shit.
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00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,723
But y'all know
I paid that witch.
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00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:27,507
You know I'm not gonna
do that to no witch.
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00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,683
She crazy.
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00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:31,380
I won't be able to shit
for a fucking month
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00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,251
fucking around with that.
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00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:35,427
I paid that bitch.
I gave her a tip.
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00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:39,867
The point I'm making
is soulmates.
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00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:42,130
Soulmates.
Y'all believe in soulmates?
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00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:44,349
Shut the fuck up
with your dumb ass.
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00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:46,438
You dumb motherfuckers--
no, you didn't try
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00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:49,050
to be loud
about that dumbass shit.
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00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:50,486
That's why you sitting there
with four bitches
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00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:52,096
instead of a fucking man.
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00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:54,664
You're dumbasses--
dumbasses.
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00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:58,886
You dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb-- dumbasses.
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00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:00,540
That shit ain't real.
I guess you believe
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00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,890
in Santa Claus
and the Tooth Fairy.
174
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,414
Ahh! Your mama
and your daddy
175
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:07,024
bought them gifts!
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00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:11,768
You think
that your parents is
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00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:15,293
gonna let some man
with wings...
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00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:19,123
money, and dead teeth...
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00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,473
come into your room
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00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:24,651
and take your dead tooth
181
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,261
and give you money?
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00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,959
CPS, bitch!
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00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:31,658
Fuck outta here.
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00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:35,749
Fucking soulmates.
The fuck outta here.
185
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,665
Know how old I am? I had
a gaggle of them motherfuckers.
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00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,710
A bunch of them bitches.
187
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:43,583
My first soulmate...
188
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,284
I remember telling my daddy
about my first soulmate.
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00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,199
That was my first boyfriend.
190
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:52,809
I was in love.
And let me tell you something,
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00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,377
my daddy is
a real motherfucker.
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00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,074
Like a real motherfucker.
He's always been real with me,
193
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:59,555
and that's why I've always
been that person.
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00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,122
In sixth grade,
he looked at me and said,
195
00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:02,602
"You's a big bitch."
196
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,214
"You bigger
than the other kids.
197
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:08,520
It's wrong
when you hit people.
198
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,392
It's wrong when you hit
the other kids, look at--
199
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:13,003
let's look at the hands.
See how big your hands is?
200
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:14,483
That's-- it's like
a grown up hitting a kid.
201
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,746
You can't do that, okay?
202
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,705
You's-- You's a big bitch."
203
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,753
My mom used to be like,
"Don't talk to her like that."
204
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,408
"Shut up, Diane.
She need to hear it from us.
205
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,062
You's a big bitch.
You almost killed your mama.
206
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,803
You almost killed
your mama."
207
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:37,027
"But I love you,
and I'm gonna make
208
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:38,246
- some money off your ass."
209
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,075
So I tried every sport.
210
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,729
And the sport
that stuck was basketball.
211
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,469
I was really fucking good.
I could dunk.
212
00:10:44,469 --> 00:10:46,950
I was a badass bitch.
I had scholarships.
213
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:49,953
I had a future and shit.
214
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:51,738
But I fell in love
with this motherfucker.
215
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,565
And I was like,
I gotta go tell my daddy.
216
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,350
And my dad was mad.
'Cause he hated Richard.
217
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,657
He hated--
that was his name, Richard.
218
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:00,703
So, he was like,
"You gonna ruin your future
219
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:04,054
for this piece of shit?
220
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:07,318
You gonna ruin
your fucking future with--"
221
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,452
"Dad, don't do that shit.
You gonna hurt you.
222
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:11,932
We do not have that much room
in the living room for you."
223
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,980
He was like, "What the fuck
is wrong with you?"
224
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:20,114
And I was like, I'm in love.
"You in love?!"
225
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:20,244
'Cause I know what was
going through his head.
226
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:23,595
Man, y'all got daughters?
227
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,902
All you thinking is,
"She done touched a dick."
228
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:29,384
- Fuck.
229
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,516
You thought
about every dirty thing
230
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,605
you did to a girl.
And you just like,
231
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,085
"Please don't let her suck
a dick in the locker room.
232
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:38,741
Please, please,
233
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,395
please don't let her fuck
in the parking lot.
234
00:11:40,395 --> 00:11:45,748
Please! Please! Lord..."
235
00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:51,101
So my daddy knew
I had some dick, and...
236
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:52,755
he was like, "What the fuck
you talking about, you in--"
237
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:55,410
And I was like, I'm in love.
"You in love?!
238
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,108
You ain't never told me
you love me."
239
00:11:58,108 --> 00:11:59,370
I was like,
it's implied, Dad.
240
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:02,199
It's implied.
241
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:05,246
He was like, "You in love?"
And I was like, I'm in love.
242
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,682
He was like, "You in love?
Why the fuck you in love?
243
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,424
Why you in love?!"
244
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:13,950
So at that moment,
I realized I had dick courage.
245
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:18,868
'Cause you know what I'm saying?
You get that first dick,
246
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:21,349
you know
what I'm saying, that...
247
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:23,438
- You know, it's...
248
00:12:26,093 --> 00:12:30,314
- You know?
249
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:31,751
It's a different fluid
in you, you know?
250
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,538
You know?
251
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:38,932
So, I got that dick courage.
252
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,585
And he was like,
"Why the fuck you in love?
253
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:42,979
Why the fuck you love him?"
And I was like,
254
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:44,807
"Daddy..."
255
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,941
"...he's a good man."
256
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:54,991
He got a 1987 Chevy Blazer.
257
00:12:57,298 --> 00:12:59,430
He got
a one-bedroom apartment.
258
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:03,478
He got two fish tanks,
a waterbed, and a VCR.
259
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:15,969
Now, men, you got daughters.
260
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,362
You done put your hopes
and dreams into her
261
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,800
and paid for her education,
and she sitting there
262
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,714
saying that dumb shit to you.
263
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:25,239
What would stop you
from breaking her neck
264
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:27,763
and burying her
in the backyard?
265
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,286
My dad was like,
"I'll kill you, motherfucker.
266
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,898
I can make
another one like y'all!
267
00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:33,943
With your big ass,
I'd have to dig a big grave,
268
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:36,946
- you big bitch!"
269
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,992
He was like,
"You the dumbest motherfucker
270
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:41,298
I ever talked to.
271
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:44,345
You got a motherfucking
VCR in your room...
272
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:47,609
- right now.
273
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:51,439
So, you already got a fourth
of what this motherfucker got.
274
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:54,311
And why the fuck does
he have two fish tanks,
275
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,313
a waterbed,
and a one-bedroom apartment?
276
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:59,969
Is he Aquaman?
277
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,710
You fucking
a superhero, bitch?"
278
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,673
My daddy was right.
279
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:13,026
Richard wasn't shit.
280
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:17,465
I went
to the ten-year reunion.
281
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:19,902
He had that same 1987 Blazer.
282
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:25,690
I was like, "You fucked me
in that blazer, Richard!"
283
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:36,701
Fucking soulmates.
Had a gaggle of 'em.
284
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:44,579
- My second soulmate...
285
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:47,277
my second soulmate was
more of like a stalk-fuck.
286
00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:50,672
Like a fuck-stalk,
stalk-fuck.
287
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,021
Yeah, he was fucking
the shit out of me.
288
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:54,067
But, hoo, I was
stalking the fuck
289
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,634
out of this motherfucker.
I was-- whoo!
290
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:57,722
That dick was good.
Let me explain something to you.
291
00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:00,464
So...
292
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,902
I talked
about the first dick.
293
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:03,772
But when you get
your crack-your-back dick.
294
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:06,601
Ha!
295
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,603
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm...
296
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:17,699
You know, you know...
297
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:20,702
You know that shit just...
298
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:23,487
Men, if you fucking your woman,
and that bitch just be like--
299
00:15:29,841 --> 00:15:33,149
...you going towards
the right direction.
300
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:37,980
He's fucking
the shit out of me, son.
301
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:41,810
But this the thing, though.
He knew I was stalking him,
302
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:43,681
but he still was fucking me.
So who's more wrong?
303
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:48,817
It takes two to tango, cuz.
304
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,995
So, we would fuck,
and then we would talk
305
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,171
about me stalking him.
306
00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:57,869
He'd be like,
"How you get in the gate?"
307
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,839
"Don't you be cold up there
on the roof sometimes?
308
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,841
That's just scary.
It's scary."
309
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,758
"I'mma not open
that trunk one time,
310
00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:17,977
and you gonna be
in trouble now."
311
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,459
And I always
try to keep it sexy.
312
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:24,940
I always try
to keep it sexy, I... I...
313
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,730
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
314
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,170
He'd be like,
"Yeah, bitch, I wanna know.
315
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,127
You fucking crazy,
you're stalking me.
316
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:39,563
This is awful."
317
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:45,004
He had two vicious
pit bulls.
318
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,831
Ooh, they was nasty.
They would bite anybody.
319
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,095
Oh, them motherfuckers
was so scary.
320
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,705
They would bite everybody
except for me.
321
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:51,749
'Cause I would go
in the daytime
322
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,012
and feed them bacon.
323
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:58,887
And he was Jewish,
so you knew them dogs love me.
324
00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,889
Them dogs...
325
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,196
He tried to sic
them dogs on me.
326
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,285
He be like, "Sic her,"
327
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:08,679
and the dogs be like,
"No, it's the bacon lady."
328
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:19,038
"Fucking love this bitch."
329
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:24,869
One time he did put
the lock on the gate, though.
330
00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,654
Y'all remember
"Fatal Attraction"?
331
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:29,048
When she was sitting
by that lamp and she was like,
332
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,311
I was standing
in front of that gate.
333
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,095
I had a flashlight.
I was like...
334
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:40,929
I was like,
you gonna lock me out?
335
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,322
I'm gonna lock
your ass in.
336
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,978
I went and got
some bolt cutters,
337
00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:49,068
and I cut his shit off
and put my shit on.
338
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:52,680
He struggled for two hours.
339
00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:54,638
And when we fucked again--
340
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:57,119
'cause yes!
341
00:17:57,119 --> 00:18:00,775
He fucked me again
after that shit.
342
00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:02,124
Who's more wrong?
343
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,086
You're asking for it
at this point.
344
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:12,787
He was like, "You know
I had to call a locksmith."
345
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,658
I was like,
yeah, I was there.
346
00:18:14,658 --> 00:18:16,573
- I saw everything.
347
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:21,143
You should have texted me back.
I have the key.
348
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:30,587
You know what's so funny
about this story is that...
349
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,633
when I got SNL,
I stopped stalking him.
350
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:38,987
I ain't want Lorne Michaels know
I did shit like that.
351
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:43,861
I'm a decent person.
I'm a good person.
352
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,996
Mm, had so many
fucking soulmates.
353
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:52,043
I wrote a list.
354
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:56,700
This is for
your educational purposes only.
355
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,485
I changed the name--
I ain't changed it.
356
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,008
Fuck these hoes.
357
00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,230
- I fucked all these hoes.
358
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,623
Fuck 'em.
359
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:08,886
Blood pressure medicine guy.
360
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:11,193
Yep, I loved him.
I loved him so fucking much.
361
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:12,542
You know what's so crazy
about that joke?
362
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,109
It only hits
in Black audiences,
363
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:15,719
you know what I'm saying?
364
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,635
You white people got
insurance, so you...
365
00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:22,422
y'all don't know about
the plies of blood pressure.
366
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,511
I would have to fuck him
before he took that medicine.
367
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:27,078
'Cause he'd go right to sleep,
right to sleep.
368
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,951
Sometimes on top of me.
It's just fucked up.
369
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,128
Javier likes to fuck
in weird places.
370
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:34,434
Oh, I loved Javier.
371
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,957
Oh, I loved him.
He was so hot.
372
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,132
He was a mama's boy, though.
373
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,569
Loved his mama.
374
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,049
Always wanted to fuck me
in his mom's room.
375
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,964
Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
376
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:44,139
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
377
00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:47,098
- Okay?
378
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:48,752
But does she have
to be there?
379
00:19:48,752 --> 00:19:51,364
- I'm just saying...
380
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,802
Abuelita.
381
00:19:56,804 --> 00:20:00,024
Uh, fucked a dwarf.
382
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:01,939
Don't judge me,
motherfuckers.
383
00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:04,812
I was--
I was going through something.
384
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,553
He made me feel huge.
385
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:13,124
Going to hell for that.
386
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:16,476
Used to fuck
a dude named Shazam.
387
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,566
Every time he would come,
he'd go, "Shazam!"
388
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:23,309
Then he would disappear.
389
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,136
That was crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
390
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:26,877
He'd be like, "Shazam."
I'd be like, where'd he go?
391
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:34,102
Then there was Stacy
from Belize.
392
00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:36,496
Whoa!
393
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:40,413
Yeah... whoo!
394
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:43,198
That sound,
I'm telling you,
395
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:46,114
it's just like it sound...
from Belize.
396
00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:47,376
That motherfucker came there
with that beautiful
397
00:20:47,376 --> 00:20:49,291
big-ass dick, just came...
398
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,424
♪ Boo-bap, boo-bap ♪
399
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:54,035
♪ Boo-bap dap,
boo-bap doo boo boo-bap ♪
400
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,385
♪ Boo-bap bap,
boo-doo boo-boo-boo ♪
401
00:20:56,385 --> 00:21:00,084
♪ Boo, boo-boo,
bap bap bap ♪
402
00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:02,565
Fucking love
that motherfucker.
403
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:04,045
He had a beautiful,
circumcised dick.
404
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:06,047
Big old circumcised.
405
00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:09,485
See, did you see
how quiet it got in here?
406
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:12,532
Women love
circumcised dicks, y'all.
407
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:15,448
Look at,
look at you uncut bastards.
408
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,667
You out here uncut.
409
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:20,279
We still fuck with you.
410
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:24,021
We still fuck with you,
"Snuffle-ufagus."
411
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:38,601
Oh, anteater-dick-ass
motherfucker.
412
00:21:43,389 --> 00:21:47,871
We still fuck with you.
But, you know,
413
00:21:47,871 --> 00:21:49,699
it just take us a long time
to get to your dick, you know?
414
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,581
And then when we finally
get to it, it's like--
415
00:22:01,581 --> 00:22:03,583
--ooh!
416
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,549
Ooh, I broke my nail, damn.
417
00:22:15,072 --> 00:22:17,205
Is those Doritos?
418
00:22:22,863 --> 00:22:28,738
We like a nice, clean,
circumcised dick.
419
00:22:28,738 --> 00:22:33,308
Nice and clean.
Just, just... just clean.
420
00:22:33,308 --> 00:22:35,354
Just-- with
that mushroom helmet.
421
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:37,965
You know
how that mushroom helmet...
422
00:22:37,965 --> 00:22:40,141
just clean
under that mushroom helmet.
423
00:22:40,141 --> 00:22:42,404
Just, just, just like a...
424
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:44,928
a good butcher
with a chicken breast.
425
00:22:44,928 --> 00:22:49,280
- Just cut so clean and lean.
426
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,066
And if
it's a good circumcision,
427
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:53,589
it's got the John Smith
haircut in the front.
428
00:22:53,589 --> 00:22:55,548
It's...
429
00:22:59,726 --> 00:23:01,902
"Oh, no."
430
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:07,560
When it get hard,
it look like the Mandalorian.
431
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,039
Here we go.
432
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:13,914
"Luke."
433
00:23:16,873 --> 00:23:19,746
We like them circumcised.
434
00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:22,879
'Cause dicks are beautiful.
435
00:23:22,879 --> 00:23:24,577
Especially,
like, dick skin?
436
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:27,318
Oh, it's impeccably made.
437
00:23:27,318 --> 00:23:29,320
Dick skin. Oh, my God.
438
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,671
Just, ooh,
just, you know, just...
439
00:23:35,196 --> 00:23:37,894
You know?
440
00:23:37,894 --> 00:23:40,375
This skin was--
was made by, uh, uh,
441
00:23:40,375 --> 00:23:42,899
veteran gods, just...
442
00:23:44,379 --> 00:23:47,556
so supple and...
443
00:23:47,556 --> 00:23:49,123
just-- just like crepes.
444
00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,823
I love crepes.
445
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:58,785
Whoo.
446
00:23:58,785 --> 00:24:01,091
Stacy could fuck, man.
447
00:24:01,091 --> 00:24:02,963
Stacy fucked me so good
that I would buy him groceries.
448
00:24:04,921 --> 00:24:06,357
Stacy need his nutrition.
449
00:24:10,405 --> 00:24:12,712
But the good man
and the good dick never come
450
00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:15,062
in the same package.
451
00:24:15,062 --> 00:24:16,846
It's like
God has a cruel joke.
452
00:24:16,846 --> 00:24:18,282
He be up there,
drinking whiskey.
453
00:24:18,282 --> 00:24:20,589
He be like...
454
00:24:20,589 --> 00:24:23,070
"Put that dick on him."
455
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:25,855
"He gonna kill 'em, Abraham."
456
00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:32,819
So you know, he wasn't shit.
Lived with his mama.
457
00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:37,911
One day,
when I was putting, um...
458
00:24:37,911 --> 00:24:39,869
- his groceries...
459
00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:43,525
...I mean, not in
his mom's refrigerator,
460
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:45,396
but...
461
00:24:45,396 --> 00:24:47,442
his mom was like...
462
00:24:47,616 --> 00:24:49,705
"You can do
so much better."
463
00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:53,709
"He my son, I know."
464
00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:57,365
"I got another son."
465
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:01,804
"His dick is not
as big as Stacy's,
466
00:25:01,804 --> 00:25:04,981
but he got a good job,
and he will treat you right."
467
00:25:04,981 --> 00:25:06,330
And I was like...
468
00:25:09,072 --> 00:25:12,249
nah.
469
00:25:12,249 --> 00:25:13,990
I'll teach Stacy
how to read, bitch.
470
00:25:16,776 --> 00:25:18,560
And y'all don't drink
his fucking juice.
471
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,257
Whoo!
472
00:25:23,957 --> 00:25:27,787
Soulmates.
473
00:25:27,787 --> 00:25:30,006
I'm older now, you know,
I turned 57 this year.
474
00:25:35,795 --> 00:25:38,537
Yeah, that shit
gonna hurt later.
475
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,278
It's cool, it's cool.
476
00:25:41,278 --> 00:25:43,498
Since I'm older, you know,
I got the higher dosage
477
00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:46,109
- of ibuprofen, so...
478
00:25:46,109 --> 00:25:48,590
I'll just be like-- ahh!
479
00:25:48,938 --> 00:25:53,029
- Whoo!
480
00:25:53,247 --> 00:25:57,251
I'm blessed--
I feel blessed to make it to 57.
481
00:25:57,251 --> 00:25:58,252
- But-- no, it's good.
482
00:25:58,252 --> 00:26:00,733
It's true, it's true.
483
00:26:00,733 --> 00:26:02,125
But then I look
at this generation,
484
00:26:02,125 --> 00:26:04,040
and I'll be like--
485
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,738
--y'all not gonna
make it to 57.
486
00:26:08,915 --> 00:26:11,874
Y'all not gonna make it to 57.
487
00:26:11,874 --> 00:26:13,397
You're just so weak.
488
00:26:19,534 --> 00:26:22,668
Ooh, you're so smart.
You're stupid.
489
00:26:24,844 --> 00:26:27,237
Yeah.
490
00:26:27,237 --> 00:26:30,284
You know, it's our fault.
491
00:26:30,284 --> 00:26:32,199
I blame us.
I blame us.
492
00:26:32,199 --> 00:26:33,896
We raised you like that
because, see,
493
00:26:33,896 --> 00:26:36,638
unlike you think
we don't fucking know
494
00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:38,814
what the fuck is going on,
we know about the racism.
495
00:26:38,814 --> 00:26:40,903
We know about the misogyny.
We know about the bad pay.
496
00:26:40,903 --> 00:26:43,253
But we was already in it.
We got you now.
497
00:26:43,253 --> 00:26:45,821
We gotta raise you.
But we knew in our head,
498
00:26:45,821 --> 00:26:48,041
but-- that when you grow up,
you was gonna be better than us.
499
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:51,958
And look at you
TikTok-ing pieces of shit.
500
00:26:55,483 --> 00:26:58,138
You fucking suck!
501
00:26:58,138 --> 00:27:01,358
You think fucking life is
fucking easy?
502
00:27:01,358 --> 00:27:04,013
Let me let you know something.
Influencer is not a fucking job!
503
00:27:04,013 --> 00:27:06,625
- Not a job!
504
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,844
Not a job.
505
00:27:09,062 --> 00:27:11,586
You know who was
an influencer?
506
00:27:11,586 --> 00:27:13,719
My dad.
507
00:27:13,936 --> 00:27:16,896
"Wash the dishes."
"No."
508
00:27:16,896 --> 00:27:18,288
He influenced me.
509
00:27:23,816 --> 00:27:28,168
It's our fault.
We raised you too fucking soft.
510
00:27:28,168 --> 00:27:30,257
Y'all so offended.
511
00:27:30,257 --> 00:27:32,433
Always sleepy.
512
00:27:33,260 --> 00:27:38,265
And depressed and sad.
513
00:27:38,265 --> 00:27:42,269
That's depression,
fucking self-induced.
514
00:27:42,269 --> 00:27:43,966
That's what my aunt used
to tell me all the time.
515
00:27:43,966 --> 00:27:45,272
Look at the root
of your fucking problem.
516
00:27:45,272 --> 00:27:48,579
- It's you.
517
00:27:48,754 --> 00:27:52,845
We even raised you
in weak-ass playgrounds.
518
00:27:52,845 --> 00:27:54,455
Look at the playgrounds now.
519
00:27:54,455 --> 00:27:56,413
Pussy.
520
00:27:56,413 --> 00:27:58,851
Pussy, pussy, pussy.
521
00:27:58,851 --> 00:28:01,680
Weak as fuck.
522
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,943
- We took the hot slide.
523
00:28:03,943 --> 00:28:06,510
We took the hot slide
524
00:28:06,510 --> 00:28:09,426
out of the fucking playground.
525
00:28:09,426 --> 00:28:13,213
The lesson teacher of life.
526
00:28:13,213 --> 00:28:15,432
That hot slide hit
the back of that ass.
527
00:28:17,434 --> 00:28:20,437
You slide-- aah!
528
00:28:20,437 --> 00:28:24,093
- You learned about the sun.
529
00:28:24,093 --> 00:28:24,485
You learned about
different type of metals.
530
00:28:25,399 --> 00:28:25,747
You learned about aloe vera.
531
00:28:28,619 --> 00:28:29,882
You learned not
to go down that motherfucker
532
00:28:29,882 --> 00:28:31,753
at 12:30 or 1:00.
533
00:28:35,148 --> 00:28:36,889
What about the merry-go-round?
That motherfucker...
534
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,939
That shit taught you
balance and trust.
535
00:28:43,939 --> 00:28:46,463
Balance to stand in the middle
of that motherfucker
536
00:28:46,463 --> 00:28:49,336
and trust that
this motherfucker right here
537
00:28:49,336 --> 00:28:50,946
is gonna stop when you be like,
"I'm about to throw up!"
538
00:28:53,557 --> 00:28:55,081
And my big ass
never stopped, I was...
539
00:28:58,562 --> 00:29:01,000
They would fly
off that motherfucker.
540
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,697
- They took the--
541
00:29:02,697 --> 00:29:04,351
they took the pavement,
542
00:29:04,351 --> 00:29:07,484
they took hard concrete...
543
00:29:07,484 --> 00:29:11,184
hard concrete
out of the fucking park.
544
00:29:11,184 --> 00:29:14,143
Your rite of passage
as a child
545
00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:15,971
is to have
white meat on your knee.
546
00:29:19,105 --> 00:29:22,412
I bet you everybody who had
a white meat on their knee,
547
00:29:22,412 --> 00:29:25,328
I bet you survived COVID.
I bet you...
548
00:29:25,328 --> 00:29:27,591
'cause there's immunity
in that white meat.
549
00:29:27,591 --> 00:29:29,158
There's immunity.
550
00:29:32,118 --> 00:29:34,555
Kids don't fucking understand.
551
00:29:34,555 --> 00:29:36,600
You don't just get
something for nothing.
552
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,778
And you know what?
You will never enjoy success
553
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:42,258
until you fail.
554
00:29:42,258 --> 00:29:44,652
Until you fucking fail.
555
00:29:44,652 --> 00:29:47,786
I'm sorry.
That's how it goes.
556
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,613
You won't even
recognize success
557
00:29:49,613 --> 00:29:52,834
until you fucking fail.
558
00:29:52,834 --> 00:29:54,140
I think about that shit,
and I think about,
559
00:29:54,140 --> 00:29:56,882
like, my youth.
560
00:29:56,882 --> 00:29:58,622
And I think about like,
fuck, man, I wish
561
00:29:58,622 --> 00:30:00,494
they had discovered me
in my 20s and my 30s
562
00:30:00,494 --> 00:30:03,192
when I still had
my whole ACL,
563
00:30:03,192 --> 00:30:04,933
- you know what I'm saying?
564
00:30:04,933 --> 00:30:07,022
When my meniscus was
meniscus-ing.
565
00:30:07,022 --> 00:30:09,982
- You know?
566
00:30:09,982 --> 00:30:11,592
They called me when I was 47.
But it was fine.
567
00:30:11,592 --> 00:30:13,724
I was still good.
But shit,
568
00:30:13,724 --> 00:30:15,204
I think about
all the youth and energy
569
00:30:15,204 --> 00:30:17,293
I had in my 20s and 30s.
570
00:30:17,293 --> 00:30:19,687
And then my smarter,
571
00:30:19,687 --> 00:30:22,255
much more educated mind
572
00:30:22,255 --> 00:30:25,432
steps forward and goes,
"Thank God,
573
00:30:25,432 --> 00:30:27,695
Thank God you didn't make it
in your 20s and 30s.
574
00:30:27,695 --> 00:30:29,001
'Cause you was a hoe."
575
00:30:31,699 --> 00:30:33,527
"And you was
a dumb ho at that.
576
00:30:33,527 --> 00:30:36,486
- You was..."
577
00:30:36,486 --> 00:30:37,836
I'd have burned
through Hollywood.
578
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,533
I'd have fucked everybody.
579
00:30:39,533 --> 00:30:44,016
Everybody.
♪ Everybody ♪
580
00:30:44,016 --> 00:30:46,496
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
581
00:30:49,369 --> 00:30:51,588
Yeah, man.
And I wanted to make it.
582
00:30:51,588 --> 00:30:52,851
I probably would've fucked
Harvey Weinstein.
583
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:55,201
I'm just being honest.
584
00:30:55,201 --> 00:30:58,726
You think I haven't fucked
worse than Harvey Weinstein?
585
00:30:58,726 --> 00:31:01,033
I fucked a postman once.
586
00:31:01,033 --> 00:31:04,079
He gave me stamps
and chlamydia!
587
00:31:05,994 --> 00:31:08,257
At the same time.
588
00:31:10,042 --> 00:31:12,783
Hell yeah.
I'mma fuck Harvey, shit.
589
00:31:12,783 --> 00:31:14,263
I wanna be
in "Shakespeare in Love,"
590
00:31:14,263 --> 00:31:15,874
motherfucker,
I wanna be
591
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:17,963
"The English Patient"
592
00:31:17,963 --> 00:31:20,139
and fuck going
to your hotel room, son.
593
00:31:20,139 --> 00:31:22,054
Come to the house.
I'm frying chicken.
594
00:31:22,054 --> 00:31:25,100
You like chicken, Harvey?
595
00:31:25,100 --> 00:31:27,842
We can look
at my acting reel.
596
00:31:28,538 --> 00:31:31,759
You think I wouldn't have
been with Bill Cosby?
597
00:31:31,759 --> 00:31:33,804
Yes, I would love to have
a champagne glass
598
00:31:33,804 --> 00:31:36,329
- of champagne...
599
00:31:36,329 --> 00:31:38,897
...Mr. Cosby.
600
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:40,724
You think I didn't wanna
be a Huxtable?!
601
00:31:42,988 --> 00:31:44,728
I wanted to go
to Hillman, bitch.
602
00:31:47,557 --> 00:31:51,039
I'd have fucked
all that shit up.
603
00:31:51,039 --> 00:31:53,433
And he would have had to get
a restraining order on me.
604
00:31:53,433 --> 00:31:56,088
'Cause... 'Cause I'd have
showed up to the set like,
605
00:31:56,088 --> 00:31:58,568
♪ Ah, every time we fuck ♪
606
00:31:58,568 --> 00:32:01,528
♪ You knock me out ♪
607
00:32:01,528 --> 00:32:03,486
♪ I sleep all night,
it must be the dick, ahh ♪
608
00:32:07,795 --> 00:32:10,798
Probably would have fucked
with Jeffrey Epstein.
609
00:32:10,798 --> 00:32:12,756
You gonna tell me
at 20 years old, you gonna
610
00:32:12,756 --> 00:32:15,803
fly me on a private plane
to a private island?
611
00:32:15,803 --> 00:32:18,284
I'm fucking everybody
on that island!
612
00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:20,764
- I'm fucking the King.
613
00:32:20,764 --> 00:32:23,332
I'm fucking Clinton,
I'm fucking Tattoo.
614
00:32:23,332 --> 00:32:25,813
I'm fucking Mr. Roarke.
615
00:32:25,813 --> 00:32:28,163
"Da plane, da plane,
motherfucker!"
616
00:32:31,601 --> 00:32:34,387
And you know what?
617
00:32:34,387 --> 00:32:37,651
I definitely
would have testified.
618
00:33:01,414 --> 00:33:05,505
Harvey Weinstein was
a dirty motherfucker.
619
00:33:09,335 --> 00:33:11,163
His dick looked
like a gefilte fish.
620
00:33:11,163 --> 00:33:13,121
It was crazy.
621
00:33:13,121 --> 00:33:15,384
It was fucking crazy.
622
00:33:15,602 --> 00:33:18,474
He took advantage of me
being a whore.
623
00:33:23,262 --> 00:33:28,528
But after my 20 Oscars,
17 Emmys,
624
00:33:28,528 --> 00:33:30,312
30 Golden Globes,
625
00:33:30,312 --> 00:33:33,402
and 15 Tonys,
I've... changed.
626
00:33:39,060 --> 00:33:41,323
Thank you.
627
00:33:41,323 --> 00:33:42,498
You gotta be mature
to get that joke.
628
00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,197
You gotta be mature.
629
00:33:46,589 --> 00:33:50,593
People always
ask me all the time.
630
00:33:50,593 --> 00:33:51,725
Kids always like,
"How did you make it?"
631
00:33:51,725 --> 00:33:53,683
I fucked up.
632
00:33:53,683 --> 00:33:56,469
A lot.
633
00:33:56,469 --> 00:33:58,340
Y'all can't think of it
as fucking up or mistakes.
634
00:33:58,340 --> 00:34:00,690
You gotta learn
from your mistakes.
635
00:34:00,690 --> 00:34:03,084
Think about--
let me give you an analogy.
636
00:34:03,084 --> 00:34:05,260
Everybody's made a grilled
cheese sandwich before.
637
00:34:05,260 --> 00:34:07,219
Yeah, but the first time
638
00:34:07,219 --> 00:34:09,569
you made that motherfucker,
it wasn't good.
639
00:34:09,569 --> 00:34:11,136
You might have
had the wrong cheese,
640
00:34:11,136 --> 00:34:13,312
maybe the wrong bread,
too much butter.
641
00:34:13,312 --> 00:34:15,531
But what you did was you ate
that grilled cheese sandwich.
642
00:34:15,531 --> 00:34:17,446
'Cause you wanted to know
what you did wrong, right?
643
00:34:17,446 --> 00:34:19,883
That's life.
644
00:34:19,883 --> 00:34:22,538
Life is
a grilled cheese sandwich.
645
00:34:22,538 --> 00:34:25,759
Ha-ha! You just keep making
that motherfucker, baby.
646
00:34:25,759 --> 00:34:27,978
Keep making it.
It may never get perfect,
647
00:34:27,978 --> 00:34:30,068
but it's gonna taste better.
648
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:32,026
Yes!
649
00:34:32,026 --> 00:34:34,376
You gotta learn
from your mistakes.
650
00:34:34,376 --> 00:34:36,161
Learn from them.
651
00:34:36,161 --> 00:34:37,945
I'm still learning
from my mistakes.
652
00:34:37,945 --> 00:34:39,164
Like, stop fucking people
at your job.
653
00:34:42,950 --> 00:34:46,301
Stop shitting where you eat.
654
00:34:46,301 --> 00:34:50,044
Stop shitting where you eat.
You know how I learned that?
655
00:34:50,044 --> 00:34:51,611
'Cause I was
a cashier at Popeye's.
656
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:57,965
I fucked a fry guy.
I ain't have to fuck him.
657
00:34:57,965 --> 00:34:59,053
I could have fucked
the dude at KFC.
658
00:34:59,053 --> 00:35:01,969
Same dude. Same dude.
659
00:35:01,969 --> 00:35:03,971
Now my fryer's fucked up.
660
00:35:05,277 --> 00:35:07,844
Always learning from mistakes.
661
00:35:07,844 --> 00:35:09,933
Like, don't go
to a Usher concert
662
00:35:09,933 --> 00:35:11,892
in the middle
of the pandemic.
663
00:35:11,892 --> 00:35:14,242
When COVID's out there.
664
00:35:14,242 --> 00:35:17,941
- You gonna catch it.
665
00:35:17,941 --> 00:35:19,639
Did I catch COVID
at an Usher concert?
666
00:35:19,639 --> 00:35:21,467
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
667
00:35:24,731 --> 00:35:28,735
Is that joke corny?
♪ Yeah ♪
668
00:35:29,257 --> 00:35:32,782
Me and COVID was
having a good time.
669
00:35:33,131 --> 00:35:36,134
Still learning
from my mistakes.
670
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,745
Like, you can't watch
animal porn for 30 minutes
671
00:35:38,745 --> 00:35:41,095
and not call
your fucking therapist.
672
00:35:41,095 --> 00:35:43,750
It's... It's not about
the rhinos anymore, Leslie.
673
00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:45,795
It's... something deeper.
674
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,587
Everybody need to go to therapy.
Everybody.
675
00:35:54,587 --> 00:35:56,197
Everybody need to go to therapy.
676
00:35:56,197 --> 00:35:59,592
♪ Everybody need
to go to therapy ♪
677
00:35:59,592 --> 00:36:03,204
♪ Need to go ♪
Everybody!
678
00:36:03,204 --> 00:36:05,859
You think I ain't been
to a fucking therapist?
679
00:36:05,859 --> 00:36:05,989
I've been
through three therapists.
680
00:36:07,513 --> 00:36:07,643
My first therapist,
she just quit.
681
00:36:09,558 --> 00:36:12,213
Like, she quit. Like,
I heard she got a boat in Guam.
682
00:36:12,213 --> 00:36:14,998
I don't know. Like,
she ain't answering my texts.
683
00:36:14,998 --> 00:36:18,306
Second one became a stripper.
She said, "Fuck it, I--
684
00:36:18,306 --> 00:36:20,613
she just drove me to evil,"
you know?
685
00:36:20,613 --> 00:36:21,744
The third one is
hanging in there.
686
00:36:21,744 --> 00:36:23,137
But if she write a book,
687
00:36:23,137 --> 00:36:23,920
I'm gonna have
to kill that bitch.
688
00:36:27,620 --> 00:36:30,100
Everybody need therapy.
And you know what's so crazy?
689
00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:32,407
I'm not talking to the women.
'Cause women talk to anybody.
690
00:36:32,407 --> 00:36:34,975
Women-- you ain't gotta tell
a woman to go to therapy.
691
00:36:34,975 --> 00:36:36,716
You-- I'm telling you.
You look at a woman
692
00:36:36,716 --> 00:36:37,107
that's going through
something and be like,
693
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:38,370
"Girl, how you doing?"
They be like,
694
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:42,461
"Girl, thank you for asking.
695
00:36:42,461 --> 00:36:45,942
Let me tell you
everything, girl."
696
00:36:49,946 --> 00:36:53,950
I'm talking
to the fucking men.
697
00:36:53,950 --> 00:36:55,300
You motherfuckers rather walk
into the middle of the street
698
00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:56,779
and let
a fucking truck hit you.
699
00:36:56,779 --> 00:36:57,998
- You don't give a fuck.
700
00:36:57,998 --> 00:37:01,567
Go to therapy.
701
00:37:01,567 --> 00:37:04,134
- The gym is not therapy.
702
00:37:04,134 --> 00:37:06,224
You're just getting stronger
to kill us faster.
703
00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:08,835
Stop going
to the fucking gym.
704
00:37:09,314 --> 00:37:12,882
Go to fucking therapy.
705
00:37:12,882 --> 00:37:14,710
You know why?
'Cause you're sad.
706
00:37:15,450 --> 00:37:17,583
You're sad.
707
00:37:20,803 --> 00:37:22,283
Mm, big, strong man.
708
00:37:22,283 --> 00:37:26,548
You're sad.
You're sad.
709
00:37:26,548 --> 00:37:29,377
And you think that shit
don't affect your dick?
710
00:37:29,377 --> 00:37:32,206
It affects your dick.
711
00:37:32,206 --> 00:37:34,513
You think you gonna
walk around sad
712
00:37:34,513 --> 00:37:35,296
and depressed and shit,
and your dick is just like,
713
00:37:35,296 --> 00:37:37,820
"Yeah!
714
00:37:37,820 --> 00:37:40,823
Where the hoes at?"
715
00:37:40,823 --> 00:37:43,652
No, your dick is sad,
too-- swingle.
716
00:37:53,793 --> 00:37:56,143
♪ Nobody know... ♪
717
00:37:57,623 --> 00:38:00,016
You sad!
718
00:38:01,191 --> 00:38:04,412
It affects your dick.
Go talk to somebody.
719
00:38:04,412 --> 00:38:05,979
Go talk to Dr. Merle.
720
00:38:10,810 --> 00:38:14,509
Your mama
and your sisters
721
00:38:14,509 --> 00:38:16,076
dressed you up
like a little girl
722
00:38:16,076 --> 00:38:18,905
when you was six.
It's okay!
723
00:38:18,905 --> 00:38:21,299
Go talk to Dr. Merle!
724
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:23,953
That shit affected you.
725
00:38:26,260 --> 00:38:29,742
You almost fucked
your male roommate.
726
00:38:31,657 --> 00:38:34,486
Go talk to Dr. Merle!
727
00:38:35,530 --> 00:38:38,316
It's just feelings.
728
00:38:40,405 --> 00:38:43,321
Your grandmama caught you...
729
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,932
jacking off...
730
00:38:45,932 --> 00:38:48,151
to a picture of her.
731
00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:52,852
You gotta go talk
to somebody!
732
00:38:58,205 --> 00:39:01,643
Stop thinking women can solve
all your fucking problems.
733
00:39:03,993 --> 00:39:06,213
Fucking show up to a date.
734
00:39:06,213 --> 00:39:07,780
We here, looking good,
smelling good,
735
00:39:07,780 --> 00:39:09,303
ready to have fun and shit.
736
00:39:09,303 --> 00:39:11,871
And then you toss us
a Rubik's Cube
737
00:39:11,871 --> 00:39:14,221
of your fucked-up-ass shit.
738
00:39:14,221 --> 00:39:16,179
And we sitting there
the whole day.
739
00:39:21,271 --> 00:39:23,622
I don't know why
your daddy doesn't love you.
740
00:39:26,929 --> 00:39:30,672
I don't know
why he loves your brother more.
741
00:39:30,890 --> 00:39:33,371
I toss that motherfucker back,
I be like,
742
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,634
I am Leslie Jones,
743
00:39:35,634 --> 00:39:38,158
not Indiana Jones,
motherfucker.
744
00:39:38,158 --> 00:39:40,682
I am not about
to solve your crypt.
745
00:39:41,161 --> 00:39:43,990
It's fucking annoying.
746
00:39:45,861 --> 00:39:48,342
So fucking hard to date now.
747
00:39:48,342 --> 00:39:49,735
Whoo!
748
00:39:53,260 --> 00:39:55,697
That shit sounds--
"dating ain't shit" alarm
749
00:39:55,697 --> 00:39:58,700
just-- whoo!
750
00:39:58,700 --> 00:40:00,049
We should do that every time
we on a bad date.
751
00:40:00,049 --> 00:40:02,922
You know what? Whoo!
752
00:40:02,922 --> 00:40:04,140
This motherfucker's over.
753
00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:09,189
Check!
754
00:40:11,017 --> 00:40:14,063
It's like raising kids now.
755
00:40:14,063 --> 00:40:17,502
I'm tired of dating.
I'm tired of the bullshit.
756
00:40:17,502 --> 00:40:19,678
'Cause I'm a different
motherfucker now.
757
00:40:19,678 --> 00:40:19,765
You know what I'm saying?
I ain't willing to do the shit
758
00:40:21,114 --> 00:40:21,244
that it takes to get a man.
759
00:40:22,507 --> 00:40:24,073
Not no more.
760
00:40:24,073 --> 00:40:25,510
I don't wear
the slut suit no more.
761
00:40:25,510 --> 00:40:28,948
Fuck that.
Shit all squeezed in,
762
00:40:28,948 --> 00:40:31,385
you-- your
uncomfortable-ass shoes.
763
00:40:59,587 --> 00:41:02,503
All for you to go home
and take off all my shit
764
00:41:02,503 --> 00:41:04,200
and just-- pop!
765
00:41:06,202 --> 00:41:07,377
You gonna fuck it.
I'm still there.
766
00:41:10,468 --> 00:41:12,513
I don't need no motherfucking
slut suit. I'm rich.
767
00:41:21,261 --> 00:41:24,003
I got a motherfucking generator.
768
00:41:24,003 --> 00:41:27,049
Do you know
how fucking rich
769
00:41:27,049 --> 00:41:30,052
you gotta be
to have a generator?
770
00:41:30,357 --> 00:41:33,316
You gotta have gasoline
on the property.
771
00:41:36,755 --> 00:41:40,976
I talk to dudes different now.
772
00:41:40,976 --> 00:41:45,459
You go home with one of them
sexy girls with the slut suit,
773
00:41:45,459 --> 00:41:47,156
open up her refrigerator,
all she got is kombucha juice.
774
00:41:49,898 --> 00:41:51,726
You open up my refrigerator,
it's a full-course meal.
775
00:41:54,076 --> 00:41:55,687
I kill a turkey
every three days.
776
00:41:58,733 --> 00:42:01,910
It's gamey,
but it's delicious.
777
00:42:02,998 --> 00:42:05,958
If I really want to pull out
the big guns on 'em,
778
00:42:05,958 --> 00:42:08,003
I'll be like, hey...
779
00:42:08,003 --> 00:42:09,701
you wanna get
on my health insurance?
780
00:42:13,182 --> 00:42:15,358
I had a dude look at me
and was like,
781
00:42:15,358 --> 00:42:17,012
"Damn, my tooth is..."
782
00:42:23,018 --> 00:42:27,109
'Cause dating right now
fucking sucks.
783
00:42:27,109 --> 00:42:28,502
- Whoo!
- I'm trying to fuck
784
00:42:28,502 --> 00:42:30,852
with them apps.
I swear to God,
785
00:42:30,852 --> 00:42:30,939
the apps is the worst thing
that ever's been created.
786
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:32,637
You need to put
all the apps on one app
787
00:42:33,942 --> 00:42:34,769
and call it "What's Left."
788
00:42:37,903 --> 00:42:39,818
Looking for
the man of your dreams?
789
00:42:39,818 --> 00:42:42,777
- Here's what's left.
790
00:42:42,777 --> 00:42:45,214
It fucking sucks.
791
00:42:45,214 --> 00:42:46,738
And listen, listen, listen.
792
00:42:46,738 --> 00:42:48,914
Men who are 5'5",
793
00:42:48,914 --> 00:42:50,959
fucking stop
swiping right on my shit.
794
00:42:50,959 --> 00:42:53,527
That shit is hurtful.
That shit is fucking hurtful.
795
00:42:53,527 --> 00:42:55,921
Do you see me?
I am six feet tall.
796
00:42:55,921 --> 00:42:57,923
My pussy is humongous.
797
00:43:00,708 --> 00:43:02,928
My pussy is like 5'6", so...
798
00:43:06,540 --> 00:43:08,237
You know what 5'5" look--
you know what 5'5" look like?
799
00:43:14,679 --> 00:43:17,246
That's 5'5".
800
00:43:19,553 --> 00:43:21,250
You're just gonna fall in.
801
00:43:21,250 --> 00:43:23,122
You know
what I'm saying? Just...
802
00:43:30,390 --> 00:43:33,219
And then I gotta spend
the rest of the night
803
00:43:33,219 --> 00:43:36,135
trying to pull you...
804
00:43:36,135 --> 00:43:37,527
"Please, please, Leslie!
Get me out of here.
805
00:43:37,527 --> 00:43:40,618
This is--"
806
00:43:40,835 --> 00:43:43,490
And he'd be like,
"Do you know you got
807
00:43:43,490 --> 00:43:44,709
a dwarf skeleton
in that motherfucker just..."
808
00:43:52,325 --> 00:43:55,371
Men, y'all need
to get homegirls
809
00:43:55,371 --> 00:43:57,547
to help you
with your fucking profile.
810
00:43:57,547 --> 00:44:00,463
'Cause it fucking sucks.
811
00:44:00,463 --> 00:44:02,204
The fish pictures.
What the fuck is that?
812
00:44:02,204 --> 00:44:03,945
What is the fish pictures?
813
00:44:03,945 --> 00:44:07,035
So fucking annoying,
the fish shit.
814
00:44:13,868 --> 00:44:18,090
You know what we think
when we see them? You stank.
815
00:44:18,090 --> 00:44:21,180
Your car stank.
Your bathroom stank.
816
00:44:21,180 --> 00:44:23,791
Your mattress stank.
817
00:44:23,791 --> 00:44:26,533
You smell like shrimp.
818
00:44:26,707 --> 00:44:30,319
Coconut shrimp,
fried shrimp,
819
00:44:30,319 --> 00:44:33,583
sweet and sour shrimp.
820
00:44:33,583 --> 00:44:36,804
You need a homegirl to help you
with your fucking profile.
821
00:44:36,804 --> 00:44:38,501
So, I'm gonna help you
right now.
822
00:44:38,501 --> 00:44:42,331
You need two pictures
and a video. Okay?
823
00:44:42,331 --> 00:44:46,031
The first picture is
of you holding a check.
824
00:44:51,558 --> 00:44:56,476
The second one is the video
of you walking into the bank.
825
00:44:57,172 --> 00:45:01,089
To deposit, not cash...
826
00:45:01,089 --> 00:45:03,048
said check.
827
00:45:08,053 --> 00:45:11,621
The...
828
00:45:11,621 --> 00:45:13,623
The third one is
just a great dick pic.
829
00:45:13,623 --> 00:45:16,801
- You know, just...
830
00:45:16,801 --> 00:45:18,716
...my favorite ones is
the one where they look away.
831
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,413
'Cause they so ashamed
how big it is.
832
00:45:34,601 --> 00:45:37,082
All of my experiences
haven't been great,
833
00:45:37,082 --> 00:45:39,693
you know,
trying to find a guy.
834
00:45:39,693 --> 00:45:41,739
And I'm at the age now,
I just-- I just
835
00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:42,783
want somebody who know
how to fuck, I mean, like,
836
00:45:42,783 --> 00:45:45,003
it's really ridiculous
837
00:45:45,003 --> 00:45:46,744
how un-fucking qualified
you are for this job.
838
00:45:49,572 --> 00:45:49,921
Y'all need to learn
how to fuck, man.
839
00:45:50,965 --> 00:45:52,575
And you know what?
It's crazy.
840
00:45:52,575 --> 00:45:55,230
'Cause, like,
y'all love two things.
841
00:45:55,230 --> 00:45:57,667
You love your dick.
I know you love your dick.
842
00:45:57,667 --> 00:45:58,930
'Cause you talk about it
all the time.
843
00:45:58,930 --> 00:46:01,454
"My dick."
844
00:46:01,454 --> 00:46:03,804
♪ This is my dick ♪
845
00:46:03,804 --> 00:46:06,024
♪ Suck my dick ♪
846
00:46:06,024 --> 00:46:08,374
♪ This dick's in your mouth ♪
847
00:46:08,374 --> 00:46:11,638
♪ Get the dick, get the dick ♪
848
00:46:11,812 --> 00:46:15,511
But half of y'all don't know
why it don't work sometimes.
849
00:46:15,511 --> 00:46:17,122
Ooh, that silence.
850
00:46:18,601 --> 00:46:21,474
Cuts so true.
851
00:46:21,474 --> 00:46:23,955
How you don't know
why your dick ain't working?
852
00:46:23,955 --> 00:46:26,131
Go get your dick checked.
853
00:46:26,131 --> 00:46:28,960
Go get your dick... checked.
854
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,397
You need therapy,
855
00:46:31,397 --> 00:46:34,443
and you need to go get
your dick checked.
856
00:46:34,443 --> 00:46:36,576
You not taking care
of yourself.
857
00:46:36,576 --> 00:46:38,708
We are women.
We fucking know.
858
00:46:38,708 --> 00:46:40,319
You not taking care
of yourself.
859
00:46:40,319 --> 00:46:42,016
You not drinking no water.
860
00:46:42,016 --> 00:46:44,105
You drinking Mountain Dew,
861
00:46:44,105 --> 00:46:47,805
doing them fucking
protein shakes and shit.
862
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:50,633
Your cum smells
like bologna chips.
863
00:46:53,114 --> 00:46:55,334
Go put your nuts
in a man's hand,
864
00:46:55,334 --> 00:46:58,424
and cough to the left.
865
00:46:58,424 --> 00:47:01,166
Women, we know our fucking
body since 12 years old.
866
00:47:01,166 --> 00:47:04,082
Since we saw that little chart
with the fallopian tube.
867
00:47:04,082 --> 00:47:06,084
You know, the one that looked
like Jesus holding basketball.
868
00:47:17,008 --> 00:47:19,445
If we didn't
take care of our shit,
869
00:47:19,445 --> 00:47:22,143
you know how
funky our shit would be?
870
00:47:22,143 --> 00:47:25,103
Shit would smell
like Michael Jordan's shoe
871
00:47:25,103 --> 00:47:27,061
in the sixth game
when he had the flu.
872
00:47:32,371 --> 00:47:35,765
Y'all need to learn
how to fuck, man.
873
00:47:35,765 --> 00:47:38,377
Y'all could have caught up
to us in the pandemic.
874
00:47:38,377 --> 00:47:41,597
But y'all decided to learn
how to make sourdough bread.
875
00:47:47,125 --> 00:47:50,084
That's the second thing.
You love pussy,
876
00:47:50,084 --> 00:47:52,739
and you don't know
shit about it.
877
00:47:52,739 --> 00:47:55,611
Don't know shit
about pussy, nothing.
878
00:47:55,611 --> 00:47:57,700
Not a fucking thing.
879
00:47:57,700 --> 00:48:00,138
You know everything
about sports, though.
880
00:48:00,138 --> 00:48:03,315
Even sports
you don't fucking like.
881
00:48:05,230 --> 00:48:07,797
I was talking to a dude,
and he was like,
882
00:48:07,797 --> 00:48:09,669
"Yeah, I don't like
college basketball.
883
00:48:09,669 --> 00:48:12,802
But, you know, in bracket one,
blah, blah, blah, blah,"
884
00:48:12,802 --> 00:48:14,674
That's how you're supposed
to be talking about pussy.
885
00:48:14,674 --> 00:48:18,199
Bracket one is the clit,
bracket two is the G spot.
886
00:48:18,199 --> 00:48:19,809
It's gonna be
a fucking great tournament.
887
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:25,728
But nah, you be like,
"Where's the clit?"
888
00:48:25,728 --> 00:48:28,644
"Uh, I don't know.
He got traded to Denver."
889
00:48:28,644 --> 00:48:31,038
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
890
00:48:31,038 --> 00:48:33,084
You're an asshole.
891
00:48:33,084 --> 00:48:34,607
You're a fucking asshole.
892
00:48:41,222 --> 00:48:43,442
We know--
we know you can fuck good.
893
00:48:43,442 --> 00:48:45,052
We know you got
the attention span.
894
00:48:45,052 --> 00:48:45,183
You just don't want
to fucking do it.
895
00:48:46,967 --> 00:48:47,054
You know how we know?
You know how we know?
896
00:48:48,664 --> 00:48:49,927
'Cause we watch you play
the PlayStation.
897
00:48:56,107 --> 00:48:59,675
Your finger-hand
combination is impeccable.
898
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:09,033
This is the clit.
This is the clit.
899
00:49:09,033 --> 00:49:10,773
This is the clit.
This is the clit...!
900
00:49:14,995 --> 00:49:18,303
What's so crazy is
I'm famous, again.
901
00:49:18,303 --> 00:49:20,783
- It's-- It's fucking insane.
902
00:49:20,783 --> 00:49:23,090
It's fucking insane.
And then I realized...
903
00:49:25,310 --> 00:49:28,313
You don't have to do that.
904
00:49:28,313 --> 00:49:30,402
Thank you very much.
I appreciate you.
905
00:49:30,402 --> 00:49:33,274
But, you know,
906
00:49:33,274 --> 00:49:36,364
I realized that now
I gotta worry about how I die.
907
00:49:36,364 --> 00:49:38,192
You know what I'm saying?
So... 'cause I'm gonna die.
908
00:49:38,192 --> 00:49:40,760
You know I'm gonna die,
and I want to die
909
00:49:40,760 --> 00:49:43,458
the way that I wanna die.
Like, I wanna die two ways.
910
00:49:43,458 --> 00:49:45,243
On the toilet or some dick.
Same position, just--
911
00:49:51,901 --> 00:49:55,340
But then I realized
they gotta have a funeral,
912
00:49:55,340 --> 00:49:57,342
so the funeral's
gonna be crazy.
913
00:49:57,342 --> 00:49:59,300
Y'all kept Aretha and Whitney
down here a long time.
914
00:49:59,300 --> 00:50:02,216
I need to go to Heaven,
so, uh...
915
00:50:02,216 --> 00:50:04,044
I don't wanna be late.
I got some probation to do.
916
00:50:04,044 --> 00:50:06,438
Uh...
917
00:50:06,438 --> 00:50:09,354
Not gonna go
straight to Heaven.
918
00:50:09,354 --> 00:50:11,486
It's gonna be a procedure.
919
00:50:11,486 --> 00:50:13,923
Court.
920
00:50:14,141 --> 00:50:17,275
But I had to think about,
you know,
921
00:50:17,275 --> 00:50:19,755
my funeral,
and how I want my funeral.
922
00:50:19,755 --> 00:50:22,019
So I'm gonna tell y'all, okay,
how I want my funeral.
923
00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:25,022
Now, I'm gonna
tell y'all the details
924
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:28,112
that you must remember.
Now, if this is not done right,
925
00:50:28,112 --> 00:50:33,030
I will haunt the fuck
out of each and everyone.
926
00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:33,160
If you're walking
down the street
927
00:50:34,770 --> 00:50:36,076
and you got an itchy ass,
that's me.
928
00:50:42,300 --> 00:50:45,085
I'mma always turn
your TV off
929
00:50:45,085 --> 00:50:46,391
when the goddamn
best scene come-- clicker!
930
00:50:49,655 --> 00:50:52,919
Should have got
my funeral right.
931
00:50:52,919 --> 00:50:55,748
So, it starts off
with Jason "Mimosas."
932
00:51:00,231 --> 00:51:02,711
Now, there's little details
I gotta get right.
933
00:51:02,711 --> 00:51:03,843
He's on the mountaintop.
I'm gonna figure it out.
934
00:51:03,843 --> 00:51:06,889
Shut the fuck up. Okay.
935
00:51:06,889 --> 00:51:09,370
Jason Mimosas
on the mountaintop.
936
00:51:09,370 --> 00:51:10,937
And he got the whole
"Game of Thrones" outfit on,
937
00:51:10,937 --> 00:51:14,549
that Drago shit, whoo!
938
00:51:14,549 --> 00:51:17,378
And he got no shirt on,
and he doing his titties--
939
00:51:17,378 --> 00:51:18,423
you know how they do
the titties, when they go...
940
00:51:21,687 --> 00:51:24,342
I love when men do that.
I wish-- if I could do that,
941
00:51:24,342 --> 00:51:25,560
I'd have a whole different act.
You know, just...
942
00:51:29,608 --> 00:51:32,698
But he ain't got no shirt on,
and he doing that
943
00:51:32,698 --> 00:51:35,222
with his titties, and he got
his hair in a scrunchie.
944
00:51:35,222 --> 00:51:38,486
And then he's feeling on
his beard because it's long.
945
00:51:38,486 --> 00:51:42,142
He got a scrunchie.
He pulls the scrunchie off...
946
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:47,016
Okay? So, next to him
is Russell Crowe.
947
00:51:47,016 --> 00:51:49,802
Not the fat-ass
Russell Crowe now.
948
00:51:49,802 --> 00:51:51,978
Russell gotta lose
some motherfucking weight.
949
00:51:51,978 --> 00:51:54,111
'Cause I need him
in that "Gladiator" outfit.
950
00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:57,375
So, he gonna have on
the whole "Gladiator" outfit.
951
00:51:57,375 --> 00:51:59,986
And he's gonna be holding
a golden bow and arrow.
952
00:51:59,986 --> 00:52:02,075
And he's gonna look up
to the camera, and go...
953
00:52:02,075 --> 00:52:04,469
"Are you ready
to be entertained?"
954
00:52:07,907 --> 00:52:11,084
All right, now this is
the most important part.
955
00:52:11,954 --> 00:52:15,697
Okay? So I'm gonna have
to get a special shot
956
00:52:15,697 --> 00:52:17,873
that swoops down
to the beach.
957
00:52:17,873 --> 00:52:19,919
Now, in order
to do that shot,
958
00:52:19,919 --> 00:52:23,270
I need this camera
called the jig.
959
00:52:23,270 --> 00:52:26,055
They not gonna
wanna pay for that.
960
00:52:26,055 --> 00:52:28,841
So, I'm gonna buy
my own jig. Okay?
961
00:52:28,841 --> 00:52:31,365
So, the jig...
962
00:52:31,365 --> 00:52:34,455
swoops down
to the beach, right?
963
00:52:34,455 --> 00:52:37,850
Where Rihanna's
Super Bowl dancers is...
964
00:52:46,032 --> 00:52:48,904
Now...
965
00:52:48,904 --> 00:52:51,864
I had planned
on Kanye and his choir,
966
00:52:51,864 --> 00:52:54,171
but Kanye is
a fucking asshole right now.
967
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:57,522
So, I canceled him
from my fucking funeral.
968
00:52:57,522 --> 00:53:00,568
And then Lizzo fucked up,
so I had to cancel Lizzo.
969
00:53:00,568 --> 00:53:03,441
And the Diddy shit,
I'm just running out of
970
00:53:03,441 --> 00:53:06,183
- motherfuckers, you know?
971
00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:09,186
So, I got my eye
on Doja Cat. Doja Cat.
972
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,188
You know what I'm saying?
973
00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:13,233
So, Doja be on the beach
and she be like,
974
00:53:13,233 --> 00:53:16,367
♪ Ah, bitch,
I said what I said ♪
975
00:53:16,367 --> 00:53:18,804
♪ We all here
'cause Leslie is dead ♪
976
00:53:25,637 --> 00:53:28,379
Right?
Okay, now...
977
00:53:28,944 --> 00:53:31,295
my body is laying...
978
00:53:31,295 --> 00:53:34,385
on a raft...
979
00:53:34,385 --> 00:53:37,039
that's been made out of
Chippendale strippers' thongs.
980
00:53:37,039 --> 00:53:39,128
- COVID hit them bad.
981
00:53:39,128 --> 00:53:40,826
So they had a lot of...
982
00:53:41,348 --> 00:53:44,917
they had a lot of shit.
983
00:53:44,917 --> 00:53:47,354
- So they made me a raft.
984
00:53:47,354 --> 00:53:50,183
And I'm laying on this raft
with a beautiful
985
00:53:50,183 --> 00:53:52,620
Christian Siriano
lavender dress on.
986
00:53:52,620 --> 00:53:55,232
My hair done.
987
00:53:55,232 --> 00:53:57,495
Now this is
the most important thing.
988
00:53:57,495 --> 00:53:58,974
My tongue has to be out.
989
00:54:01,847 --> 00:54:03,544
If my tongue is not out,
I'm not dead.
990
00:54:04,284 --> 00:54:06,721
So...
991
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:15,774
So, Doja Cat is,
♪ Bitch, I said what I said ♪
992
00:54:15,774 --> 00:54:18,342
♪ We all here
'cause Leslie is dead ♪
993
00:54:18,342 --> 00:54:20,909
And she kicks my raft,
and I'm like...
994
00:54:28,526 --> 00:54:32,051
So, the jig swoops
995
00:54:32,051 --> 00:54:33,792
back up to Jason Mimosas.
996
00:54:45,630 --> 00:54:47,806
And Russell Crowe.
997
00:54:51,636 --> 00:54:53,072
He like a backup singer
I never asked for,
998
00:54:53,072 --> 00:54:55,509
just...
"All right!"
999
00:54:58,599 --> 00:55:02,037
So, Russell Crowe
lights the bow...
1000
00:55:02,037 --> 00:55:04,649
and then hands Mimosas
the bow and arrow.
1001
00:55:05,476 --> 00:55:08,087
And Mimosas...
1002
00:55:20,708 --> 00:55:22,362
It lands in the middle
of the raft. I'm burning.
1003
00:55:36,550 --> 00:55:40,424
So, there's
a little Peruvian boy.
1004
00:55:50,303 --> 00:55:53,350
There's a little
Peruvian boy by the shore.
1005
00:55:54,089 --> 00:55:56,309
He's from Peruvia.
1006
00:55:59,660 --> 00:56:02,446
I've been taking care of him
since his birth.
1007
00:56:02,446 --> 00:56:04,665
Him and his whole village.
1008
00:56:04,665 --> 00:56:06,928
Just for him to swim
this one time.
1009
00:56:09,278 --> 00:56:10,628
He got the best coaches.
1010
00:56:10,628 --> 00:56:12,151
I got him Katie Ledecky.
1011
00:56:12,151 --> 00:56:14,283
All of...
he takes a golden cup,
1012
00:56:14,283 --> 00:56:15,720
he put it
on top of his head,
1013
00:56:15,720 --> 00:56:17,765
and he swims
out to the raft.
1014
00:56:25,164 --> 00:56:27,862
As you can see,
I don't know how to swim...
1015
00:56:34,521 --> 00:56:37,481
And he gets on the raft,
and he puts
1016
00:56:37,481 --> 00:56:39,134
all the ashes
inside of the golden cup.
1017
00:56:39,134 --> 00:56:41,746
And he swims
all the way back.
1018
00:56:41,746 --> 00:56:43,487
Everybody-- his village--
they crying.
1019
00:56:43,487 --> 00:56:45,880
You know?
Stacy's mom is there.
1020
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:48,666
- He's...
1021
00:56:49,188 --> 00:56:51,930
"If she had just got
with my son..."
1022
00:56:54,236 --> 00:56:56,761
So, he gets back to the shore.
1023
00:56:56,761 --> 00:56:58,763
And he gives the cup
to Snoop Dogg.
1024
00:57:01,679 --> 00:57:04,159
And Snoop Dogg...
1025
00:57:04,159 --> 00:57:06,814
Crip-walks all the way
to his lowrider.
1026
00:57:10,731 --> 00:57:13,560
I look like that
Australian breakdancer, huh?
1027
00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:15,214
- Just...
1028
00:57:25,006 --> 00:57:29,097
Snoop Dogg drives...
1029
00:57:29,097 --> 00:57:32,057
all the way to my homeboy
Les' weed farm--
1030
00:57:32,057 --> 00:57:33,362
ooh, wait,
I shouldn't say his name.
1031
00:57:33,841 --> 00:57:37,715
- Lance.
1032
00:57:37,715 --> 00:57:40,282
And he gives Lance
the cup of ashes.
1033
00:57:40,282 --> 00:57:43,895
And Lance spreads my ashes
1034
00:57:43,895 --> 00:57:47,289
over some nice indica seeds.
1035
00:57:47,289 --> 00:57:49,248
And then that plant grows
1036
00:57:49,248 --> 00:57:51,555
into a stalk of...
1037
00:57:51,555 --> 00:57:53,818
"Les Dogg."
1038
00:57:55,297 --> 00:57:58,823
Everybody smokes me forever!
1039
00:58:01,826 --> 00:58:04,045
The end.
1040
00:58:08,093 --> 00:58:09,964
Thank y'all so much
for coming out.
1041
00:58:09,964 --> 00:58:12,663
I appreciate you
so fucking much.
1042
00:58:12,663 --> 00:58:16,318
Thank you so fucking much.
1043
00:58:16,318 --> 00:58:18,103
- Whoo!
1044
00:58:18,103 --> 00:58:20,366
Aaah! Let's go.
72196
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